Mistakes Are Meant to Teach Us Something
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Thanks for listening to my call of the day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Belinda, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura.

Hi. I was just wondering, I was married for 30 years. I'm 59 years old. Was in a very unhealthy relationship. What made it unhealthy? He got addicted to drugs. He couldn't hold a job. And his self-esteem was so low, he just always, like,

Talk poorly to me to a point that I couldn't even speak. Like at the end of our relationship, I couldn't even talk in a full sentence. I basically was... I think my counselor at that time said I probably wouldn't be here right now if I didn't leave him because of how...

Did your counselor ever ask you what took you 30 years? She was waiting a long time. No, I'm asking you, did the therapist say, why did you stay with this situation for 30 years and waste your life and cause your mental decline? She didn't ask you that? She would ask me, like, why are you with them, you know, questions like that. Well, I'll ask you.

It was unpleasant, uncomfortable, really bad. He was a loser. I heard the little spritz of compassion. He just had low self-esteem. But I want to know why a grown woman who has a lifespan that has an end point, meaning dead, wasted 30 years of your life. Please. I'm interested in your answer. I really am.

Let's see. I, you know, you know, I think when I get married, it's for a lifetime. That was not, that's not an answer. Okay. That's like somebody saying, I promised I'd stand in line. Now that man is shooting everybody who stands in line. But I have to stand in line because I promised, I said I would.

So don't throw the Bible, God, your vows at me. Okay. Because I don't think any of that supports a man or a woman being in a very unhealthy situation. It was very unhealthy. And I think it just never...

clicked to me. Like, I was just very loyal. And then honestly, I started listening to podcasts. And it just loyal to what he took quiet for a moment, please. He took vows to any breach them. He did. Yeah, all of them. Just about all of them.

So when you say it didn't click and that you were respecting your vows, that makes no sense to me. You were staring every day right in the face of somebody who blew out all the vows to love, honor, cherish, take care of you. He didn't do any of that. No, he didn't. So don't tell me it took time to click. This is going to be a deeper answer than you're typically willing to give.

So I'd just like you to spend a few moments trying to make rational sense of a woman taking about a third of her life and pissing it away. I did piss it away. We had children. And you had sex with him and made more than one child. Go figure. Well, we made one child. The other one we adopted. Why are you laughing? That's two children you brought into this mess.

On purpose? Yes. Holy cow. Are you going to take no responsibility at all? Because I said, what made this? You started your call with sort of it was an unpleasant marriage. I asked you what made it unpleasant. Right. Did you know that skin care can start in the laundry room?

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And you immediately said he. I was afraid to leave. I don't know if that's the question you... No, this is just all the typical psychobabble stuff without taking any responsibility. You made decisions that hurt two other children and yourself and other people who were supporting you. You need to take responsibility for that, and you're not. With all the therapy, you're still a blamer.

I did take responsibility that I should have left a long time. 30 years later is not taking responsibility. No. No. And we're doing this on radio. And the reason I'm struggling real hard to make sense out of this is there are young women, middle-aged women, older women listening who are wondering what they're doing and would they do this? And this is a learning experience for them.

So putting that aside for a moment, putting that aside for a moment, because I don't think you're going to make any progress in that answering that question department. What did you call about? How could I help you today? What was your issue you wanted to bring up? Well, it seems mild compared to what we were just talking about. And I do realize I should have gotten out of the marriage earlier. Before you brought two kids into it. Yes. Yes.

Well, he wasn't doing the drugs or anything like that at that time. So it was the last 20 minutes of the marriage. It was probably the last 10 years, 10, 15 years of our marriage. 10, 15. Yeah, probably 15 when he lost his first job, yeah. So my kids were like in middle school and stuff like that. Got it.

So your story is that for half the marriage, he was wonderful. I wouldn't say wonderful, but I would say we got along. We were somewhat happy. We got along. We went on vacation. It was good. Somewhat happy. Somewhat happy and good. I'm trying to make sense out of that. Would you go back and do those first 15 years again? Yes. I would do the first 10. First 10. Okay.

So now we're going to the third of it. Yeah, first hit. It gets smaller. Okay, what was your question for today? First hit. What was your question for today?

I just want to, I'm in a new relationship right now. I've been dating the guy for over four years. And I was just wondering that I'm at the third part of my life. How do you feel about like, I know when you're... You haven't finished a sentence yet. Could you take a breath?

Think of one sentence and do it. How do you feel about older couples not getting married after so many years of dating, or how do you feel about them living together and all that stuff? So you're new to my program.

No, I've actually listened to you a lot. Well, you're shacking up, which is not being a good role model. No, I'm not shacking up. Okay. If you're shacking up, it's not being a good role model for your children or for society. Okay. So you would say the only way to live together is if you're married? Yes. Okay. A covenantal commitment to...

healthily made with two healthily people yes well i don't know where i think both of us are afraid to pull the trigger to then stay separate and just date and have fun if neither one of you we are that's what we're doing and i'm still guilty about not saying sorry okay

When two people say they're too afraid, those are two people who freaking blamed somebody else for the stupidity they lived in. Because if either each one of you said, it was my responsibility to note these things, to make good decisions, and I made a mistake, I got in a bad situation, and I did something about it, that's not a person who's afraid to have a new relationship. So you and your boyfriend are both blaming your spouses.

Proof that what I'm saying is true is because you don't want to pull the trigger because you're afraid you'll get hurt the same way as though you had no power and control over what happened. Right. See? Now, if you admit your responsibility, he admits his responsibility, you both do the emotional, psychological work to remedy how you think and or make decisions or communicate, then you wouldn't be afraid. Right.

Because you could count on yourself. I agree with that. You'd know you'd make a good decision and then you'd find out. And if I made a good decision, but it took a left hand turn, I would know immediately and handle it.

Yes. Yes, I agree with that. The communication, I definitely need more of. Well, thank you, Dr. Laura. I think you gave me a lot to think of from before, and I do take responsibility of a lot of it. I didn't hear you cover any of that, so that's some work you need to do. Proof, you're afraid to pull the trigger again.

You know, it's not so much about trusting somebody else. It's about trusting your own strength and intelligence and courage. If you don't trust that, then you won't pull the trigger again and you'll give all kinds of excuses. It's just a piece of paper and the nonsense people do to deflect.

It doesn't really mean anything. Sure it does. That's why you're avoiding it. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram.

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