These Are the Repercussions of Chaos
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Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Georgia, welcome to the program. Hello, Dr. Laura. Hello. What's on your mind? I've been married to my husband for 45 years and I have a daughter who gave me two handsome grandsons.

My daughter did not stay married to her first husband. She remarried. And we put rules and morals in our children. And when my grandson turned 16,

And he decided he was going to go live with his dad and his stepmom because they allowed him to bring girlfriends over the weekend and party and all that good stuff for a teenager. And but every year we would since my grandsons were born, we would travel and do vacations with them and on weekends and, you know,

Just very loving and kind and just being a grandma and having fun. But since he moved out to be with his father, he doesn't speak to his mother anymore. He continued to speak to me. Now he's 25 and I haven't spoken to him in two years. He said that his life is his business.

And he doesn't like talking to me because he's afraid that I'm going to reiterate our conversation to his mother. And he doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm sorry that you're going to reiterate a conversation to his mother. What is that about? I don't understand. He doesn't want his mother to know any of his business or that I even spoke to him. I told him, all I want to know is that you're okay and that you're doing well.

And he says, I'll call you when I want to talk to you. I said, okay. You know, meanwhile, his little brother is just like the big loving teddy bear, you know. I guess his life experience was different from his little brother. Yes, definitely. Because he was the older brother. Right. So he experienced more of the chaos and difficulties. With the divorce. Yes.

And this is his reaction. I think everybody expects kids to be like furniture. I know. That we can put the house through hurricanes and fires and, you know, breakage and break-ins and somehow the furniture is going to be okay. Kids aren't like that. They have their own distinct personalities which lead them to react to how they're being treated and what they see. And he doesn't want control. I know. All I did was show him love. Yep. In your opinion, that's what you did.

He perceives things through his own eyeballs and his experience. So if he experiences that you're not a safe place to talk to because you and his mother will communicate, then he's not going to give you that opening, whether you call it love or whatever you want to call it. He sees it as disrespect and a lack of privacy, which means he's not really loved. So he sees the world differently because of his experience. Okay.

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But that's the chaos that happens with divorces and this and that and the other thing. That's why I'm on the air trying to get people to be secure in their marriages and take care of their kids. This kind of stuff doesn't happen when they're older. And I would say if there's one predominant sad topic that I get too often is the adult kids won't talk to me. It's probably one of the most frequent complaints. And I'm wondering, first 25 years that I did this on air, I never heard that.

I have no memory of ever hearing my kids won't talk to me or I have to kick my mother out of my life because she's evil. That doesn't matter. I've listened. Yeah. It just breaks my heart that I don't have a relationship with them.

Yeah. I mean, for 16 years, every summer we'd take our vacations and drive in the car. And, you know, he put the In-N-Out app on my phone. So, you know, we'd take off and go to the beach. And, you know, there's an In-N-Out, you know, just two miles away. Let's stop. You know, everything you want to do. When he turned 15, I let him drive in L.A. for Pete's sake. You know, it's like, you know, I did a lot for them. That never would have happened if he was mine.

that never happened you wouldn't have been driving at 15 you wouldn't have a cell phone yeah well I had no control over the cell phone stuff but um he was a good driver and he can even tow you know he was he you know the time that I did have well I'm happy at least you have a lot of good memories I do

But I still talk to his father. You know, it's not, you know, I can't. He's still his father regardless. And the communication is there with even the father's wife. And she said, we've tried to talk to him and he just needs to grow up. He needs to have a relationship with his family. Why is it adults put it on the kids? Why is it adults do that? They create chaos.

And then blame the kids. I don't know. What the hell? That's ridiculous when he grows up. Yeah, he needs to grow up. Well, I think he did a bit growing up, and that's why he spent a lot of time kissing off most everybody, because he didn't like what they had to offer. You adults need to sit in a pool. I don't mean a swimming pool. I mean a circle. And be honest about what everybody put the kids through.

Some kids just become acquiescent and go along with everything. Some kids get depressed. Some kids go on drugs. Some kids say, go to hell. Kids handle chaos in different ways. But I need the parents to acknowledge they caused chaos. That caused pain. And in his not incredibly psychologically yet mature mind, they solve the problem in ways which are usually destructive. But I guess I bristle.

When I hear it all put on the kids. When I was in private practice and ran a clinic, it was amazing to me how many parents wreaked havoc in their kids' lives and then sent them in for counseling. Like the kids were the problem. Here, the kid needs help. Fix him. And 9.9 out of 10, it's the parents who needed fixing.

Try to convince them of that. It's easy just to dump your kid and give a check. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. My number 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit DrLaura.com. Click on sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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