Ep. 56 - SWAP (SWitched Ass Papas)
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That's $50 off with code LISTEN at BlueNile.com. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Another boring day at the Black Mesa Research Facility. Nick Poodoo scratched what was left of his hair and turned on his favorite podcast, Dungeons & Daddies. Mr. Poodoo. The gaunt-faced G-man who was Nick's boss said, You better not be listening.

to podcasts on company time. Of course not. Nick said, quickly typing into his spreadsheet. Unbeknownst to the G-Man, Nick was actually typing out what would become his masterpiece, a Dungeons and Daddies fanfic. In it, the four dads and Glenn entered Book Castle, the lair of Well, Actually. There, they met up with Mark

likely and successfully defeated, well actually, using a magic spell to turn him back into Scam Likely. Unfortunately for them, as Mark and Scam jump through a portal, Scam cast a spell that caused all the dad's bodies to switch with their souls so everybody's all jibbledy-bibbledy. To be continued!

Okay, so this is my first fix, so please be nice and don't forget to comment if you want to see more. You can find my account at fanfiction.net slash likely scams. There is a lot of slash, so be warned! ♪♪♪

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a spooky body swap podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons. This show is about four dads from our world flung into a realm of high fantasy and magic in a quest to rescue their lost sons. And this episode's a little bit

different. I'm going to let Anthony take over from here on out to explain what's going to go on. Whoa, who's Anthony? Well, first of all, I'm your dad. Second of all, the previous episode that we had ended with everyone undergoing a sort of body swap spell. So every character is now in another character's body.

And the way that we are going to convey that to you, our beloved audience, I'm so nervous, is that every performer is still going to be performing the same body, but not the same soul. So, for example, whoever's in Daryl's body is going to be played by Matt. So essentially, every actor on this show is going to get to, for the first time, role play a character that is not their assigned daddy. So Matt will not be playing Daryl, but he will be playing somebody who is in Daryl's body.

Somebody else is going to be in control of my beautiful boy, Daryl. They're just going to make all the decisions for Daryl. Exactly. And vice versa. So don't be dick. Don't divorce Carol. Don't immediately try to throw your character off a fucking cliff. Or immediately talk about how big your dong is or smaller than your normal sized dong. You're right. This is a standoff. We can all just hurt each other. This is wonderful because I still get to play like Ron Sampler as a canonically black

5 feet 4 inches tall and 120 pounds with 20 of those pounds being a dick I'm excited because you guys get to help build my character because no one I mean clearly I need the help that's true we can really lay in some factoids here what a self-owned just give me some extra stuff so none of us have prepared dad facts so we're going into this fresh I've prepared five dad facts I cheated aww

You fucking overachiever. Will took notes in his good handwriting, turned in the homework. Freaking valedictorian over here. You can hear the rest of them on Talking Dads, where I will reveal the other dad facts. Fantastic. That's going to be on our Patreon. Here we go. All right. Here we go. Let's go. So I rolled some die and I randomly assigned souls to each of the bodies. As Death Cab for Cutie says, soul meets body. Meets body.

One last question. Are we human or are we dancer? Also, if someone is in my body, do they still be my character as a paladin or are they like, if Henry's in my body, is it a druid? Yeah, are we swapping character sheets? We swap character sheets is how we're playing this. One last question. If it started out like a kiss, how did it end up like this? God damn it.

Will, you know that was my thing. Hey, I've already body swapped. I'm Beth May and the body of Will Campos making that joke. This is the worst episode. My name is Freddie Wong and I play. You play Jodie Foster in Glenn's body. Are you kidding me? You got to be kidding me. I play Jodie Foster. I'm a lawfully good paladin highway cop turned dad.

I don't even know your intro, Jimmy. I'm sorry. Good diction. I just read Jody as a lot of diction. A little fun fact about Jody. Jody likes to do yoga. You know how in yoga, they're like, you got to make sure your posture is straight? The instructor has never said that to Jody. Jody's posture...

has been perfect. A fucking balloon. A balloon has been coming out the back of his head towards the sky since the day he was fucking born. That's amazing because it's both very much obviously something a Jody fact, but also has the like arrogance I'm so cool of a Glenn fact. Like we got a combination. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matt Arnold, and I just got my second dose, so I'm a pretty... I'm already kind of losing myself in this body in the first place, but let's see. Second dose of a vaccine. Let's see who I play. Who do I play, Anthony? We'll see if you do better as Henry Oak in Daryl Wilson's body. Yes. Hey, everybody. It's Henry Oak. Crunchy, munchy granola. Stuffing, loving. Birkenstocks wearing. Super cool. Drew it, Dad. Nailed it. Nailed it. He's so good. A little quick fact about Henry here. So, look, I mean...

We had a minivan and everybody's got their own car, but I just want to talk about what Henry's favorite car. It's walking. Just a good old walk. So that's what that feels like. Holy shit. Just intro this episode. Fuck the rest of the show.

Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Daryl Wilson. Yes! This is my dream blunt rotation. This is my dream dad rotation. This is incredible. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Daryl Wilson. Stay at home, coach dad.

Fun fact about Daryl here. He's from the South. Holy shit, this voice. Amazing. One time, I love it. Daryl farted in a church and then he laughed and talked about it.

Felicia. Absolute perfection. The love that Beth clearly has for Daryl Wilson just comes right through. The reams upon reams of headcanon that were already ready just right in the holster. Love it. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos and I play... You are playing Ron Stampler inside the body of Henry O. Yes!

All right. I'm Will Campos and I play Ron Stampler. Yes! After a great start already. Incredible. Ron Stampler is an emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, Ron is fluent in Spanish. Oh my God.

But here's the catch. So Juan, as a little kid, he stayed at home a lot. He watched a lot of Spanish telenovelas. And that's how he learned Spanish. However, he thinks that Spanish is a fictional language like Elvish that they only speak on telenovelas. That's really good. Brilliant. Really fucking good. That's good. Hi, everyone. My name is Jimmy Wong, and I play the character of Glenn Close, the good friend of the...

Daddlers. You sound like a fucking square. Can you like fucking crank it up a little bit, dude? Okay, here we go. Are you ready? Swagger a little bit. This is your chance to play Freddy. I genuinely could not have planned this better. You're the professional actor. Get some of that Mulan energy. Where's that, Jim? That movie just sucked my soul out. Fun fact about Glenn. Uh-oh, the mouse will come for you. Did you know?

that the actual best gig in the world is playing at a casino? You might think, oh, end of the rope type of musician. No, actually, one, they pay the best. Two, you get endless comps. And three, if someone wins big while you're playing, it's a double win for them. It's an audience delight.

The best place to play a gig, bar none. All right. Have you ever played one there, Glenn? Yeah, Glenn, have you ever actually been able to play a casino? Yeah, absolutely. Good, good one. I have to say this, but Jimmy playing Glenn is like the R-rated movie on TV energy. Oh my God. Oh my God. Holy shit. Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.

Okay, so really quick, everyone load up, whoever you're playing, load up their character sheets and let's just take quick 20 seconds to just get familiar with it, right? Yeah, longer than you've ever gotten familiar with your own character sheet when you were controlling it. Yay! Oh, so very true. Yeah, I'm like loading up a freaking Ferrari here. I got like 40 spells. Hey Matt, I counted all the change in the change drawer. That character sheet better be just as nice as the way I left it when I come

back. While you're looking at your character sheets, I will very briefly summarize. And while we ground ourselves in our new characters and new realities. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on, Freddie. You're not allowed to be like that anymore. Okay, while we ground ourselves in our characters, I want everyone to just familiarize yourself, especially because I don't want to get any tweets or any Reddit threads about any of the crap that we've done wrong this time. I don't complain about tweets and Reddit threads at all.

I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying I read every single thing because I make this fucking podcast. I absolutely do not. I could give a shit about what people say about my great podcast. You're sounding very much like Freddie and Jimmy being Freddie and Jimmy right now. Let's get into fucking character. Yeah, get into character, dude. Fucking get method on this shit. I'm sorry.

the professionalism. Jimmy's sounding like Freddie. Freddie, you got to get some of that Jimmy energy. Yeah, you got to be nicer, Freddie. I'm so sorry. Yeah, you have to just deal with all this abuse and smile through it. Sorry, sorry. I was too busy texting. I was just buying some new magic cards. Just whatever. Just going to win some tournaments. No problem, dude. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Hey, everybody. Beth May here. I'm looking at Daryl Wilson's character sheet right now, and I thought, you know, maybe like, oh, if I click on another person's character sheet, maybe the game will make sense to me and I will be good at it.

So far... Did it help? Yes, that's completely true. I'm going to fucking wreck your world. Oh, shit. All right. I clicked on Beth's sheet, and for some reason, I shit you not, she has disadvantage in four different skills. Including stealth! I don't know if that's possible!

While you're getting into character, I'm going to briefly summarize what happened last time. So you successfully exercised the specter of, well, actually from Scam Likely. Well, actually disappeared with his sister brother, Mark Likely. But in his final moment before he disappeared, seemingly cast some sort of spell to swap characters.

all of your souls between all of your bodies. And so you just look down and realize that you were all in not your original bodies. The massive Goliath, chesty, very aggressive body that Daryl previously had begins to shrink back down to its normal proportions as if rejecting the confusion of the body swap episode that is about to happen. It would just be too confusing. It would just be too confusing.

And it returns back to what it was. Man, two beautiful bodies experienced in a second. I have range, but not that much range. Oh my gosh. What the? What? I mean, who's? What?

Who's in my body? Gross. I feel awful. Ron, by the way, is just staring awestruck at his pants, which are still on. Actually, as you do that, as you stare at what used to be Henry's pants. Oh, no. Oh, no. The pants that are on Henry's body immolate instantly. They set on fire. Henry's body feels no pain, but the pants are immediately on fire. Henry, Henry, stop, drop, and roll. Stop, drop, and roll. Oh, my gosh. Ron, are you in my body? What?

Who said that? That's me. That's Henry. Oh, my gosh. Mercedes got me those pants like 15 years ago. I've never washed them once because they still smell like her. I can't believe they're gone. What kind of loser is it? Oh, unbelievable. Jody? Glenn, you hate. Okay, everybody stay still. Good idea. Is that Daryl? I can just tell by the masculine energy that's probably Daryl over there.

So Ron's body, a.k.a. Daryl, goes up to Daryl's body. Hey, I'm Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. I put my hand out. Yes, Henry. We've met. Hey. Hey, Ron. Daryl. We'll get used to this, I guess. And I shake Ron Daryl's hand. Oh, boy. Suddenly, a door behind you kicks open and two childlike figures walk in. Children, I evoke rage. You see little Nicholas and Nicholas goes...

I feel like I want to stab somebody and I feel like I'm way stronger and I feel like that's badass. That's cool. And Peyton goes, something, he's in my body. I don't, what happened? Nicholas, which one are you? I guess that's me.

that's me? I guess I'm, oh, wait, why am I covered in scars? Why am I so small? And Nicholas looks at Hayden and goes like, hey, don't go and solve that body. That body is 100% pure, pristine muscle as far as the eye can see. You won't even piss again. Why is everyone being so weird? And why did I get taller? And why are my legs blonde? I don't, I'm a little confused.

Dads plus Glenn, we need to focus up right now. And I believe that we need to establish a communication regimen here so that we don't get confused. I love communication. That's great. These rules are so dumb. Let's just look at each other. Raise your hand, say your name and just remember. Glenn, I don't appreciate you undermining my authority like that. I believe we've set a clear path forward and a rigid foundation.

which will allow us to have discipline in our communication. It would just make me and my son, Nicholas, who looks like Payden, a little bit more comfortable here if we establish some ground rules with how we are to communicate with each other as we are trying to figure out this situation. Wait, so Glenn is my dad now? Which one is my daddy? Nicholas, there's been a soul swap scenario. I...

I am your dad. I might look like that degenerate slacker stoner. Oh, come on. I am your dad. Nicholas, your dad looks really cool, but he's still really stupid, so don't worry about it. He's still your boring square dad. Okay, so that one's wrong. Okay. Nicholas, you should have respect for your elders. Let's set a couple of ground rules. First off, I'd like my weapons back. And I walk over to Jody and Glenn's body, and I grab the gun as well as...

The paid-in chucks. Oh, we're fighting over this. Do opposed strength checks. Strength check? Did somebody say strength check? Hi, I'm Daryl Wilsnice. Stick out my hand. Okay, opposed strength rolls. Opposed strength, yes, please. 17 plus 3. Oh, I rolled an 11 plus 1, so that's a 12. So Glenn's body retains the gun.

And Jody's like, you know what? No, this is exactly where it needs to be. I haven't had extensive firearms and small arms training. I think I should be the one in charge of this right now. In fact, you know what? Maybe not everything is bad. It looks like something's turned out a-okay. You know what's bad? Being in this weak body of yours. Good Lord. As you're saying this, Nicholas walks up to Glenn's body and looks you dead in the eye and goes,

You're a big old baby. You suck. Now, Nicholas, as I was saying, let's have respect for your elders. And I stick out my hand, but in a scolding fashion with a pointer finger. Tsk, tsk. Wait, hold on. Is this Payden in there? It's Payden in there. Uh, no. It's me.

Nicholas, your son. Hayden. The one who sucks. Hayden, we know it's you, buddy. No, you don't. Okay. You know this is Nicholas. I, Nicholas, the narc. Daryl Wilson, get a hold of your son. Oh, oh yes. Or your father. Oh, sorry. When I was scolding you, I was scolding your soul and not your personhood because you share a soul with my father there and I'm going to get him out and we're going to have a good old time. Anyway, Hayden, I love you. I love you too, daddy.

I agree with Daryl. Let's not argue, especially with a gun amongst all the children. Let's just stay calm. Usually when I have a problem, I look into myself and right now I can actually see myself. So I'm going to look

At me. Matt, you are so good at this. Yeah, you really are. Matt and I have spent a lot of fucking time together. Me, what do you think we should do? Hey, Daryl. So I think that we should, you know, who are you talking? Are you talking to? I'm Henry. Okay. So Samantha, when she does therapy with people,

they do like what's called role play sometimes. And that means that, you know, you pretend to be somebody else. Like, you know, you pretend to be a good husband as opposed to being a bad husband. What's that? Some sort of sex thing. It is Daryl. It is often also a sex thing, which can also be very therapeutic. So maybe what we should do just to keep everyone from getting confused is like, I'll just pretend to be Henry and you just pretend to be Daryl. And then we just, we can all just pretend to be the body we're in. It'll be less confusing. Yeah.

far out stuff wrong. I'll just be like, hey guys, it's me, Henry. I like nature and rocks. It's really cool, you know? So maybe we should all get along. Oh, I can do this. I can do this. I'm a square and I don't deserve to be my son's father. How's that? How's that sound? Oh, are we doing this now? That's a good exercise. Hey everybody, I'm Daryl Wilson and I'm tough on the outside, but deep down I could, you know, I just want to be loved and people do love me. I should remember that.

And I look at Daryl Wilson's body. Immediately, Nicholas gets really confused looking. He's like, again, which one is Daryl? Which one is my dad's son? You point at Ron. They all say, yes. Yes. I point to Ron's body. I say, I think Daryl's in there. Hi, I'm Daryl.

I put my hand out. Nicholas immediately climbs on top of Ron and like hugs him like from behind like a backpack. Just his arms around the neck and legs around his torso and just sort of stays there like a little human backpack. Aw. Hold on, is Ron's body genuinely strong enough to support Nicholas's body? Ron has very strong legs. Yeah, Ron's legs are incredible. And this would be a lot of legs, right? Yeah, quads of steel. Nicholas is basically the same height or taller than Ron, so it looks interesting. But more of you are going to do impressions of yourself as somebody else, so please do that. Okay.

Hey, if I'm as long as I'm impersonating Henry, maybe the two of you could role play being like guys who aren't so fucking annoying. Yeah.

Oh my god. Yeah, well, hi everyone. It's me. I'm a big degenerate rock star who can only play bad Christmas songs. And I just hang around with children at a soccer game even though I don't have a kid because I'm a big loser and I'm Glenn Close. Let's try to keep this positive. How do you like that now, huh? Hey everyone, I'm Jodie Foster, the biggest fucker.

Wow. Isn't it cool to be the lamest dude in the entire room? The kind of person that when he enters the party, the band literally stops playing because they see a narc. I look at Nicholas Payton and I go, Nicholas, don't listen to him. I'm so confused right now. And Payton, for the first time ever, begins to cry. Jody, looking like Glenn, goes over and hugs Payton, who is actually his son, Nicholas. And he hugs you back. And it's very sweet. It's okay. Let it out. Let it out. This is so wrong.

Well, I think that we should just keep doing impersonations of ourselves in the other body while we're at it. But we should do it in a more positive light. Like, hi, I'm Ron. And I do some weird stuff a lot. But that's, you know, that's who he is. I mean, that's who I am. And that's valid, too. That was nice, Daryl. Did Ron go back? Am I? Who am I? Are you Ron again? Who am I?

mine. No, that's Daryl. No, it's me, Daryl, and I stick my hand out. Rick and Morty ain't got shit. I shake Daryl's hand very cautiously and I say, I don't trust you, Ron. Look, guys, I've been on a lot of bad trips before and this one definitely tops the cake. So I suggest we find a way out of this conundrum. Makes sense, right, Peyton? A drug user? God, he's such a piece of shit. He's just really just a real piece of doo-doo. I should have asked for permission to say shit. I'm sorry, Father. That's right, son. You should. You can swear if you want, Nick. So

What's the way out of this? What's the one weird thing that we can do that just gets us out of here? All right, as you say that, you hear an explosion from the direction that you initially entered Book Castle from, from that drawbridge. And then you hear the sounds of many footsteps rushing towards your location. What are you gonna do before they get here? I invoke rage. Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, crap. They're breaching. They're breaching. We need to form a perimeter. Get back. Get away from the door. If they have explosive charges, they're going to blow through that door. We need to stay clear of the door. You're the only one with explosive charges, you narc. You almost took out our hearing and our vision. Well, then you'll know exactly what this will be like. Everyone, take cover and hide. We don't need to listen to this narc. What we need to do is get up there and actually confront these people. There's nothing that we can't stop, except I don't know now that I'm in this pussy body of mine. What?

Hey, I work on that body. I work on that body. Your posture's terrible. Your entire left side of your body's out of whack. This is ridiculous. Oh, yeah? Explain this. And I lift up my shirt to reveal a... Eight-pack abs? Dad gut. A fucking dad gut.

That Jody's just been holding nice and tight since day one. But there's a real gut there. Whoa! That's so good. Whoa, hey, put my shirt down. Put my shirt down, Glenn, as me. You put your shirt down. You put your shirt down, loser. Glenn's body, you feel a little tick, tick, tick as a rat appears on your shoulder. Nicholas Jr. And it opens its mouth and goes, ah! And as you look up into the rafters, there is a bird swirling around that's going squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak. Oh! Oh! Oh!

The rat and the bird switch bodies, Anthony. It lands on Jody's shoulder and just sort of stays there as this hawk on Jody's shoulder. And crunches Jody to death. Nick Jr.? Is that you? Ah!

Wait. Maybe that's our way out of here. It says shrugging its wings. So what are you going to do about the people coming in? Ron has already hidden under a pile of books. Perfect. I've entered rage. You got it. You got it, man. You got it. Perfect 10 for 10 cosplay. Jody stacks up along the other side of the door and listens for the approaching footsteps to try and discern.

What's on the other side? I go to Glenn and go, give me my painting chucks. I dig through them like, these pieces of shit, sure, fine, I toss them over to you. Okay, can I roll to see if they smack me in the nuts? Uh, yeah. Ha ha ha!

Now you're getting it, Jimmy. Give me a D20. I rolled a nine. It got close, but you saved yourself for the last second. Close call. Okay, so give me a perception roll, Glenn's body. That's 12 plus zero, 12. Okay. No perception whatsoever. Typical of a fucking cop. So with 12, you could hear... Whoa, no about that. Daryl, do you have any things you want to say about blue lives and how much they do or don't matter? I've been to a barbecue with a few cops. Woo!

I agree with everybody here, but I'm just saying I've been to a good barbecue before. Okay, so with a 12 perception check, you hear five pairs of two feet each. What the fuck? This is a math problem now? Please don't make this any more confusing. Math? Are you fucking kidding me? Five humanoids. It's Dungeons and Dragons world. It could have been any number.

You know that five people are approaching. They didn't teach me math in Catholic school. Wait, okay, sorry. One more time, Anthony. Five pairs of two feet? You hear five pairs of two feet. You hear five people coming. Okay. Five humanoids. Well, yeah, five humanoids.

I could have just said five people, but I wanted to make it a little bit more tactical because that's what Jody would hear. There might be a giant centipede coming, everybody. Get down. Let's go. When you hear narc, we got five sets of footsteps here. It's going to be one for each of us. Wait, Glenn, does that mean there's 10 people coming or does that mean there's like- I'm Jody. I'm Jody. I look like Glenn, but I'm Jody. So as you say, I'm Jody, the door busts open and you take a D6 of damage. I love taking D6s of damage as this motherfucker.

Fuck off. It was your body. It's still your body. Oh, shit. Right. Wait, if I see him taking damage, can I put in Spirit Shield and reduce his damage by 3d6? Yeah, you can. You sure can. Wow.

Well, that would completely obliviate all of that damage. Well, you got to roll. I took one damage, so. Oh, you took one damage? Oh, never mind. You got to tough it up, partner. So standing in the now open doorway, you see four blue coats led by the familiar face of Sheriff David Boreanaz. Oh my gosh. And he goes, all right, where is it?

Where's the fucking demon? Where's the shape-shifty, the change-y, the body-change demon? Well, that would be a good thing for us to know, too. Hi, I'm Henry. You probably don't remember me. I look a little different now because I'm not... Hey, everybody, get up. It's David Boreanaz. Another narc. I guess that we're all kind of the shape-shifty demons, seeing as we've all changed in some way. And I'm high. I'm Daryl Wilson. I put my hand out. So...

Boreana's squints at all of you, confused. And he goes, wait a second, wait a second. I got to listen to this again. Okay. And then he takes a raven from his backpack that has like really ruffled feathers. It looks like it's been like sort of shoved in there. And he presses the raven's belly and a magically pre-recorded message plays aloud. And this is what it sounds like.

My name is Baz Benhemp Benquin, owner of the Benquin Mining Service, at your service. If you've received this, Raven, you're one dead demon away from earning yourself 500 gold smack-a-woonies. There's a shapeshifting demon trickster thing wandering around the Forgotten Realms being a real killjoy dick, if you know what I mean. I just cast a locator spell, and it's apparently somewhere near Book Castle.

If you can bring me the demon head or shove it into a bottle or whatever you do to trap demons, you'll get your money's worth. I'm Baz Benham Benquin, owner of the Benquin Mining Service. How do I turn this raven off? And then he puts the raven back into his pouch and he goes, so the demon already got you, but you're the only one... Folks, guys, I think one of them...

Might be the demon. One of who? It's him. And I point at Glenn slash Jodie Foster. Okay. Okay. Glenn slash Jodie Foster immediately. If I have a time for a reaction because I'm behind him. You do. I would like to get David Boreanaz in a rear naked choke with my left arm. So would I. Yeah. Okay.

Daryl said that. Daryl just revealed something he had not considered saying aloud. I'd like to try and choke out David Boreanaz from behind. Yes. Give me a, I guess a dexterity roll. Non-lethal choke, Freddie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to block the blood coming from his carotid artery into his brain until he blacks out. Holy shit. But I won't kill him. Yeah, I guess we joke about stuff like that, but that's like literally what happens when you choke somebody. I mean, not that I'm like, okay, well, you know.

Sorry. Hey, yo.

12 plus two, 14. Okay, so with a 14, Jody and Glenn's body manages to get an arm around Boreanaz. Left arm, left arm. Left, very strong arm. Wait, you got a 14, you said? Yeah. Oh, well, anything involving Glenn's body's left arm gets a plus one to strength checks. Yes. So only by the fact that Glenn's body is so amazingly toned from being in the Meth Bay Correctional Facility, do you barely manage to hook your massive left bicep

around the windpipe. And like, as I'm hooking that, like my shirt comes up and you see that Glenn's body has a perfect eight pack abs, like sub 10% body fat, single digits, dude, just fucking yolk. Like the surface of a goddamn leaf. That's how vascular Glenn is right now. Oh my God.

Okay, so that's Freddie talking about Glenn's body, not Jody. Yes, how does Jody feel about that? Jody is quite annoyed because he's like, I was pretty much resigned to having a dad bod, but this is what it's like. This is what peak physical performance feels like. I, as Glenn, look at Jody in Glenn's body and go...

That's right. That's fucking right. So you have Boreanaz in a rear naked chokehold and he's beginning to lose consciousness. The other four guards immediately draw their swords and point them at Jody and Glenn's body. And they go, let him go. Ron is going to cast Thaumaturgy. What? Which is, is that the one that lets me throw my voice or whatever? Yes. Okay. Oh, right, right, right. He's going to try to throw his voice to echo around the room as if invisible and omnipresent.

Ron was going to say, hey, it's me, the demon you're after. I'm hiding. Go ahead and give me a performance roll. I realize I'm kind of doing like an Owen Wilson. I'm like half a shade away from. Oh, wow. So am I. All Ron is is an Owen Wilson impression. So Ron got a nine. Okay. In true Ron fashion. That checks out. That checks out. So hearing that, David Boreanaz with his last conscious breath goes, it's a head rate.

And he goes unconscious because he's heard Henry's voice before. And so immediately the four other guards. No, it's Ron. Shit. Roll stealth with disadvantage. That's super good. I got a 21. 21 with disadvantage? Ron's got a plus 11 to stealth, dude. Holy shit. So the four other guards spread out and.

And one of them looks at Daryl and Ron's body, who seemed to command the most authority and go, I feel like Jody, who just choked out their boss, had the most authority there. I mean, even in Ron's body, they're all just fueling authority coming out of Jody gave off the energy of someone trying to assert authority is what Jody. Yeah. One of the guards still has their sword at Jody and Glenn's bodies back.

And another one approaches Daryl and Ron's body and says, where's this Henry fella? I think Henry's got the demon inside of him. We got to get rid of him or else he's going to steal all your personalities and kill you and stuff. And I don't know, bad stuff. Hey there, fellas. Going to Catholic school, we learned a lot about people with demons inside of them. And I don't think Henry's the type...

I don't think we need an exorcism so much as a good old fashioned discussion. No, I agree with Daryl. Look, the demons, we all got demons inside of us. And let me just say for one second that I am Henry. I'm in a different body and I'm going to cast charm person on whoever was talking. The lead guard, whatever.

Is David Boreanaz knocked out yet? David Boreanaz just lost consciousness. All the David Boreanaz fans listening are like, really? We just choked him out immediately? My favorite character from like episode 10? David Boreanaz has no fans. The first thing I said that was bad about David Boreanaz was talking about his neck and then the fact that like he got choked out like around his neck.

It's karma. It's because of you. I did this. Henry, kind of get in the feel of Daryl's body. It's a little more top heavy. It's not quite the same dance moves. But he goes, hey, look, let's just exercise. Sometimes it's just good to move. You know, wiggle therapy. Have you ever heard that? Let's just move around and figure out what's going on.

on here and I cast charm person on the four guards. All right, America, if I could transport the video of Matt in the chat right now, slowly tilting his shoulders around while playing Henry and calling it wiggle therapy. Yeah. How does a charm person say wisdom saving throws? It's a wisdom saving 1717. It's like Uhura and Star Trek distracting them with her fan. Here are the four roles that they got in order for.

13, 11, 16. Nice. Wow. So all four guards immediately distracted by the wiggle therapy going on. Describe what it looks like that transfixes them so and makes them want to be. It's just the truffle shuffle. You just do like. And show us. You just wiggle your body out. You just wiggle it out. I said describe it. It's an audio video.

You just wiggle your body. You know when your arm's asleep and you're trying to get your hands back? It's just that, but your whole body. You're just shaking your legs and your arms. You're just feeling the whole form of yourself. You're getting back in touch with your body, or in this case, my new body that I got. I'd like to think that Glenn is watching Henry so closely that he likes it. Well, they're distracted. Let's do a dad huddle.

the pile of books that Ron is hiding under moves tremors like over to Daryl and Ron's body. I look at Jody and go, you stay there, narc. You're not welcome. No, everybody's welcome in the dad. Now they're both of you guys come over here to the dad. I'm just taking command of this situation, right? You guys keep wiggling. We're going to talk. Okay. We'll be right back. Nicholas walks into the dad. I was like, I got an idea. I could stab all four of them while they're distracted.

Peyton, with just a normal kid voice is so good. Right in the carotid. Just snip, snip, snip. Almost feels like I have my real son back. So upsetting. No, wait, before you do that now, son. Wait, no, you're not my son. Wait, no. It's kind of a both. It's kind of a both scenario. It's fine. You know, we're all America's children. My tiny, tiny boy. Finally, actually, Peyton gets to know what it feels like to have his son be smaller than him. He's like, that's pretty good.

Well, I'm saying that while they're accusing us of being the demon, we need to track down the real demon, you know, and see what's going on there. So what are the next steps we could take to find that? That's such a cool idea. You're, you're, you're, oh,

you're so much better at being Ron than me, Daryl. Oh, geez. Oh, no. Seeing Ron take charge of the situation is like feeling very sad and inspired at the same time. He's like, I gotta, oh, man. Mama's right here, baby. I see you. I love you.

I think we should all listen to Ron. I mean, Daryl. I mean, Ron. Henry's seeing his own face fall. Like, in sadness, he doesn't quite know. He just inherently reaches out and, like, starts tapping his own. He's like, it's okay, me. I mean, Ron. He does the face-off thing to his own face. Yeah. Thanks, Daryl. I'm just so sad that you're a better Ron than me. Oh, no. Nobody can be a better Ron than you, Ron. You are Ron. So all four guards take 2d6 psychic damage. Really?

As Daryl was saying, I mean, who, didn't we just have a bunch of demons here? Was Mark, God darn it, I don't remember what is, who's what. There's Mark Likely and Scam Likely. Are they demons? That's right. Mark Likely and Scam Likely were both here and they're both gone now. And if I recall, we made a deal with them, didn't we? Yeah. Favors. Yeah. Uh,

I notice I have a paper cut on my hand, but it's, you know, it's no big deal. Nothing I haven't experienced in football. Am I right, fellas? All those paper cuts from football. That's actually telling us Daryl never got to play. He was always just holding the playbook. Yeah, there you go. Devastating. Look, there has to be some sort of book in here, something that can help us get out of this situation, right? Books suck. That's a good idea, Glenn, and I look around for a book on this subject. Give me an investigation role. Sure.

Investigation. I got a 17. You find a book about demons. And after a couple of seconds of rifling through the pages, you find one on personality shifting demons. Did you just do the Owen Wilson wow? Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Wow.

the twist is that the demon is Owen Wilson. Yes. He's such a versatile actor. He can transform into anyone. It's all the Wilson brothers. That's my headcanon, by the way, for the Likely family is all the Wilsons. I guess there's just two of them. Amazing. Hey guys, take a look at this. I found a book that's got some stuff in it about personality demons. All right.

Good job, Rodney. Thanks. What does it say? The chapter on personality switching demons mentions that generally personality switches can only happen one of two ways. One is a chaotic expulsion of involuntary magic. So like how babies are made. Terrence had sex.

Yes, it's a chaotic explosion of involuntary matters. That's how Daryl describes it. That's the sweet talk to Carol. Samverland's involuntary explosion. That was like a Ron joke from a Daryl body. Amazing. On tax day. Tax day. You psychopaths. Time to itemize these deductions. And the second is the intentional replacement of

of one personality with another through space or time. Okay, guys, so it sounds like there's two ways that this can happen. It's either a chaotic explosion of involuntary power or an international soup plantation of one personality into another. There's a Bard Rock Cafe, so I think maybe we need to find a soup plantation. No, Ron, you're wrong. I think what we need to do is figure out which one of these it is because it's not Ron's idea. Ouch. Oh!

Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm doing Matt dirty there. I would have said it like that, Daryl. But I think you're right. I would just say that since it's not one of us getting switched, it's all of us getting switched. It does feel more like the first one. But I leave that up to the group. If everybody wants to have a say in it and let us know what you all think about it before we decide. Can we at least go to Soup Plantation after this, though? That'd be, you know, it's not been in a while and it's good food. Ron, I don't know how to tell this to you, but Soup Plantation is...

Is it problematic? Yeah, I was about to say, actually, Ron, if we could go to a place that doesn't have such a problematic name, that would probably be preferred. Sorry, Henry slash Daryl. What's problematic about it?

Oh, no. Now let's all try to get along. I didn't want my character to have this arc. Jodi, let me give you some literature. You know, I could be wrong if you have something that you want to say about it. I'm totally ready to hear, but I did read an NPR article. It's being a literature looking at these two types of ways to change personalities. Let's think about if something in time or space has shifted recently. I know I can think of one way that it's changed and Ron's body looks different.

at Jody's body. I can't believe we're going back to this again. I know, Henry, wherever you are, you said something about... I'm right here, Glenn. It's me. I'm Henry. You are Henry. You're in Henry's body. But I believe that we're not just defined by the way we look or our bodies. It's more about what's on the inside. Oh, my God.

And in that case, I am Henry. Yeah, good point, Daryl. You said something about timelines merging. Me and my son here, we can only speak to what we've seen with our own two eyes. And we're in agreement. Glenn's hasn't been here and he's new. And Glenn talking about having a kid all the time. Maybe this is the source of what's happened to us here. Actually, I think, yeah, you're right. That's what I think, too. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. I think that's true. You're just going to listen to this narc? Whatever Daryl says as me, I agree with because I'm really trying to learn a lot from him right

So Nicholas looks at all of you and goes, so all of you are now agreed that Glenn is the problem? No. Hey, nobody's a problem. We're all a team here. This is so confusing. Guys, I have good news. Before this all happened, Nicholas took away all of my knives, which means, and he takes out two very large, very sharp knives. He goes like, I could just get stabbed at any time.

I could take care of these guards and we could just bounce. Like, we don't have to stay here. We should probably go to the Bar Rat Cafe, though, because Jody, weren't you saying something about your anchor or whatever? Yeah, I felt something in that direction. Well, look, here's... Let me ask you a question. Just a quick observation of the door itself. Can we bar the door? You have a large number of hardback books that you could use to bar the door. Okay, so I have a very stupid idea for how to do this, but Jody...

is going to say, Payden, it's very strange to hear the body of my son saying that, but I don't think we need to kill anyone. I just think that, you know, we can de-escalate this situation by extracting ourselves from this room and barring the door on the inside while the guards are distracted. That sounds like a good idea, and I bet we can use a big two-by-four to nail some tools to the wall to do it.

with guy stuff. That's like how you do it, right, Daryl? That sounds like a great plan, actually, Ron. You're really thinking. Way to go. Pretending to be Ron, pretending to be Daryl. In Henry's body. Daryl, thanks so much for the lesson. I'm really happy to have you mentor me. And then I put out my hand to shake Daryl Ron's hand. I put out my hand and I shake Henry's hand. Okay, well, that's a great idea. So let's get these. Hey, guys, if you don't mind wiggling. Shut up, Henry. Hey.

like that, right? That was pretty funny. That was pretty funny, Ron. I'm not used to myself saying shut up to me. I didn't like that. I'm sorry, Henry. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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So I'd like to leave, and then I say we all nominate a book to try and stop the door, and then the number of total pages that we nominate from the various books equals how powerful it is. Great. Each of you pick the longest book you can think of. So Jody picks up a copy of Atlas Shrugged. Can we all just really quick take a moment to just acknowledge that Freddie came up with literally the worst DMD mechanic of all time. No, no. Just the dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard in my entire life.

was this idea like the page numbers is how like long we get to because I love that I fucking

fucking love that matt i want to be clear jody came up with the dumbest so we're going to use five books and the difference between 600 pages of books or 2 000 pages of books is whether or not this door gets closed okay anyway if you don't want to participate henry slash daryl then you don't have to participate henry picks the smallest book possible because he doesn't want to hurt the trees even though they've already been made into books

He's like, what's the smallest book possible? According to him, it's a canceled Dr. Seuss book. He's like, I hope this one gets broken when they try to break this thing down. This gets torn apart. Great. Henry reveals he's been on Twitter this entire time. Still checking up on what's going on. Keep it up to date. Making sure I know what's going on. Not talking to the wives, not doing anything. Just trying to see who's in trouble.

All right. Any other books? I can't think of any. I mean, Tom Clancy books are long. Rainbow Six is like 900 pages, I believe. Yeah. Really? Yeah, Rainbow Six is such a long book. Daryl says Rambo Six is about 900 pages, I believe. Rambo Six! Rambo Six!

It's Rainbow Six, Beth. I'm sorry, Beth. It's called Rainbow Six. Rainbow? Rainbow, yeah. Rainbow Six. Or he could find the novelization of the movie Rainbow Six. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He found Rainbow Six and mistook it for Rainbow Six. That's the one time I've guessed, like, the not girly thing and had it been, like, I've been wrong. Because it's an international secret squad of soldiers, so it's, like, all the colors of the rainbow, I guess. Okay. But it's not gay. But it's cool. But it's cool. Okay? Okay.

ron writes his own book that says the very long book by ron and then i write page 1000 at the end of it and then i had one page folded oh my god what a stud yeah you found an empty hardback cover and then wrote that on the inside of both covers of the hardback i guess yes glenn picks up 1q84 which is a haruki murakami book and it's

pretty big. That's a pretty weird pull for Glenn, but okay. You know, he likes weird things. He's giving him dimensions. Yeah. Because his IQ is 84 points, dum-dum. Is that actually what the book's about? I don't know. Jody takes these books and jams the door with it. So I think we're all on the other side of the door, plus our birds and our animals, plus our kids. Okay. And Bear Boreas has been thrown away into the other room. Perfect. So you can feel that the Bard Rock Cafe is...

and Jody in Glenn's body, you feel that your anchor is in the Barred Rat Cafe. That is to the west. I'm going to lead the group as I am wont to do with my great posture. Ron's body scurries up next to... Jody in Glenn's body, it's like... All of a sudden, three inches taller. All of a sudden, three inches taller. Exactly. It's like, whoa!

This whole time, huh? Jody is going to say, all right, I know things are a little bit crazy right now, but we should be trying to solve our objectives as they come. And I feel like my anchor is in this direction. So it doesn't appear that we have an immediate solution for our soul swap scenario. I think we should go pursue my anchor. Hold on just a second. Daryl thinks back to when he was the bad trip from the flowers and how his mind was perverted by drugs. Yeah.

And how he was paranoid about his friends maybe poisoning him. And he's like, hold on a second.

How do I know that one of you isn't the demon that made us do this? Hmm. Let's see. Hey, uh, Henry. Yeah. Looks like you're getting a pretty sweet deal with that smoking hot bar. Oh, I mean, Daryl, that's, I mean, it is your body. I understand why you would be attracted to your own. I just, you know, that's a very healthy. I always felt like you had some body issues, but it's nice to see that you're really appreciating what you got here. Cause I think it's really nice. Nobody could annoy me this much if it weren't actually you. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I think you can tell I'm not the demon, right? A demon wouldn't just annoy you. So are we good there? Do you want to ask anybody else any other questions to make sure that you feel comfortable moving on? I have a question. Yeah? Do they have a salad bar at the Bard Rock Cafe? I've never been to there. Are they open? I guess we should find out. Let's go. I'm in charge, right, Daryl? Let's go. And then Ron marches forward. Great. Oh, all right. He goes, it was my idea. Sure, okay. I guess if we're moving towards the objective, but I just think that...

Sure, fine. I'm getting what you want. Just move. And I push Jodie behind. Don't touch me. Don't touch me, Glenn. Okay, so you head back to the Bard Rock Cafe, which, as a reminder, is littered with a magical musical accoutrement. You see glowing lutes and fantasy turntables that are made out of bark somehow. Fantasy turntables? It's like two little slices of logs that you just move back and forth against magical needles. I don't know if you guys are ready for DJ Darul. No!

So when you head into the Bard Rock Cafe, you see that the walls of the restaurant are lined with different mannequins that have clothing on them that appears to be like, these are the actual clothes that this musician may have worn during their very famous tour or whatever. And there are different halls, one for human musicians, one for elven musicians, and one for demonic musicians. And Jodi, you can feel the pull leading you toward the hall of demonic musicians. Of course. Yeah, so...

I gotta just sort of speak honestly here. And Nicholas, if you can stay by my side, just want to make sure. Yeah, no problem. Of course, father. I think we need to go down this hallway.

That says demonic music. Oh, like Black Sabbath or NWA? Exactly like those terrible, terrible bands. Nothing good down there. Nothing good like... Excuse you, Julie. Like Nickelback or... Oh my goodness. I'm trying to think of good bands. Creed. Savage Garden. Dave Matthews Band. There's no Dave Matthews Band. There's probably not Dave Matthews Band down there. Certainly no Ants Marching. Real talk. Before we even get into this, guess who was the biggest DMV fan in our family growing up? John Mayer. That would be one Frederick...

Wong. Look at that. He played his music on his guitar. He's good. He's good at guitar. One of the most seen at the Gorge. Okay, all right. He was good at guitar and his great live show. Don't get me wrong. Real quick, Freddie Wong speaking here. This man puts on a good live show even though he pooped on a bunch of people in the Chicago River. But who has? But who hasn't really? Hey guys, it's me, Dave Matthews. Get my fucking name out of your mouth, Freddie. No,

That's right. There's going to be no Dave Matthews band down there. And who knows how terrible and demonic this music is. But I think we have to go. And Nicholas, just as a quick moment here, I want to point out that I'm feeling a little bit scared right now. But that's okay.

Because conquering your fear is how you become more powerful. Right, right. It's like you told me what John Wayne said. Fear is being scared to your boots and saddling up anyway. Exactly. Let's remember the great words of John Wayne. Doesn't explain why you're such a weakling. I like John Wayne too, and as much as I do enjoy a quick sin with the naughty music, I have

to say that from a, you know, from a perspective of getting us all right back in the right place. I do think we need to go down this demonic hall. Yeah, agreed. I'll send you a little article about John Wayne. We can talk about this later, but there's a few things you should know. You're all afraid of nothing. This is some of the greatest music ever known to man down this hallway. Daryl, really quick. That was a great thing you said. Does it remind you of like a sports analogy maybe? You know, I think that even...

Even though the demonic music like Black Sabbath looks like it's going to pass the ball, it might be a Statue of Liberty play where there's actual demons here. And I actually have to. Nicholas pats you on the back and goes, you're so good at sports. You know so many things about sports. Thanks, Dad. Love my baby boy. I should get good at sports, too. Should I get good at football or soccer, Daryl? You know, just...

Keep slicing those oranges, Ron. Wow. We're learning so much about best opinion of how Matt treats Ron. No, I'm doing Matt dirty here, but it's all I know. Everyone's kind of doing everyone a little dirty. It's great. You got it, coach. I'm going to do an investigation to see if I can find any oranges in your body.

I got a 16. 16, you find one orange left in the salad bar. There's a salad. Yes, it's all working out. All right. And then I go and I get the orange. Oh, hey, good job, Ron. Nice. Good job, Ron. Let's get into the deal. I mean, I'm a little scared here. Jody, I agree with you. It's good to conquer fear. I was along with you on that first half of your inspirational speech. The second half got a little bit too power hungry for me. It was a little bit. But, you know, I understand. Let's get into this tunnel.

You know what? Honestly, I want to get back in my body. I just want to get back in my body. I've spent a lot of time getting comfortable with my body. I'm getting a little nervous here. I don't know if you've earned being back in your own body, Henry. I think I'm doing a pretty good job being Henry right now. I just say... Ron's killing it. Ron, I mean, I thought you were being... Did you? I found this orange. Yeah. It's nature stuff. Good for you, Ron. Good for you. I think...

Someone like you, your body, Henry's body isn't really limiting for you. Meanwhile, you know, this body is a little bit limiting for the person that is Daryl, which is me. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. And I stick my hand out and then I make it a thumb and I point it back at myself. I'm like, heck yeah. Yeah.

I think let's all get it back in our own bodies. You're right. You could do a lot better, you know, not in my body. I should probably take my body back. I say, oh, Ron, no, you're fine just the way you are. All right, I'll stay in Henry's body then. Let's go. Okay. Yeah, okay.

We'll talk about this later. Let's just get going. Jody marches ahead holding Peyton slash Nick's hand. Yeah, no, it's Peyton's hand, but it's Nick in there. Peyton's hand. Who's Nick? Yes. So as you walk through the hall of demonic musicians, you see the cross of Ice Demon who played bass and you see the scarf of a wind demon that played the drums. And then at the very end of the hallway, you see something that

is bizarrely familiar just to you, Jodi. And when you look down at the name plate under the mannequin, it's a name that's very familiar to you, even though you don't have too many memories of them from your childhood. And it's the name of your mother, which is Dee Snider. And you see the mannequin with Dee Snider's signature dress that she would wear when she was rocking out on the mic. And...

A lot of your confusion is beginning to bubble up into the surface and your heart is beginning to beat a little bit faster because you know that since you were a kid, you've heard a lot about your mom, Dee Snyder, and how cool she was, but you never met her. And a lot of your memories from that time are really, really hazy. And you knew when you came here and you saw the other Omega Daddies and how horrible they were, you would occasionally see little glimpses of somebody who looked...

Somehow familiar to you, flashing in and out behind the Omega Daddies and pointing just at you. And maybe it's not something you ever mentioned to the other daddies because you didn't want to seem too crazy or anything, but it was something you noticed a lot of. Not to interrupt, but as I walk down this hallway and I see all these awesome axes, I'd like to roll perception to see if any of them will be a sick weapon for me, my character, Glenn Close to wield. Yeah, go ahead and roll perception. Good idea, Glenn Close. Yeah, I'm going to do that.

15. So with a 15, yeah, you see that the large base that's being held with a 20, you would have found a guitar. But with a 15, you find that the replica of the base that one of these demons held that's like bladed on either side. That would be a pretty good melee weapon. Look pretty badass. Like a big axe. Sick. I'm going to totally grab it and be like sad that it's a base, but totally OK. That's a sick weapon. Cool. And feel no remorse for interrupting your sick flow of the podcast, Anthony. So Jody looks at everyone and says,

Dads plus Glenn. I don't know how to say this, but that's my mother. Whoa. She's pretty hot. Yeah, it is. Hey, okay. Oh my gosh. Jodi, she's definitely, she seems like a lovely, was a lovely woman. What is, I don't understand. Are you doing okay there? I don't, I don't understand, but she wasn't from, was she from here? What does this mean? As you ask that, you hear a like,

like slowly like growing in volume and then yeah once it reaches the like part of a fucking immigrant song

The mannequin in front of you begins to move. It begins to headbang and features appear on its face emblazoned in fire. And it goes, son, you made it. Yeah. All right. You finally made it. Oh, I've been waiting this whole time. Wow. Wow. Such great pitch control. Mom? It's your mom. You finally came back into the phone. It's time to go.

It's time to leave all this bullcrap behind that happened to you, and it's time to be what you were always meant to be. Who are these other jokers? Finally, we get to have Jody go off with his mom and never come back. Nice knowing you guys. See ya. These are my friends, Mom. We've been trapped in this world, and we've been trying to get back. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, oh, snap. Oh, snap. So you don't... Sad guitar noise. So...

You don't remember? Remember what? Uh-oh, uh-oh. And Dee Snider's eyes turn to Peyton and Nicholas's body. That's, uh, is that like some random kid you found? Tell me that's just some random kid you found, please. One of them is, but the other one's my son. No, that's going to make this weird and awkward. You're not going to like this. The other one's my father. Wait a second.

I'm liking where this is going. This gal's got style. Hey, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, this is really good for you, but let's try to be a little empathy for Jody here. This is going to be a really tough time for him, okay? You barely even know the guy. I know, but we're all human beings here. We're all just trying to make it through this crazy journey called life, so let's just hang in there, okay, Glenn? Come on. All right, Captain Buzzkill. Glenn, it seems like the character Jody is going to get to have a big emotional moment, and the actor who's

playing Jody in this episode is going to get to have Jody's big emotional climax of his story arc. So just give him some space so he can focus and have this big cool moment on the podcast. Gosh, man, it feels like the real actor in the room is going to be upset by the fact that he's being overturned by someone that's finally having an arc, but it's actually him playing his brother's character in another body. I see the dramatic irony. I stick my hand out and say, hi, I'm Daryl.

The mannequin reaches over and grabs your hand and goes, Hi, I'm Dee Snider! Wait, Mom? You're some kind of demon? I'm so confused right now. So wait, y'all looking kind of confused. Do you want to maybe go back to your own bodies before I start this? What's going on? Why'd you come to me? Oh, that'd be great. If you were confused, if you don't know who you are, what even brought you here? Well, I was here to try and destroy my anchor, but...

I don't even know what this means right now. If you're... Oh, and real quick, Anthony, where is the anchor on this? Is it on the mannequin? Is it the mannequin itself? You see, it is the mannequin itself. I need to destroy whatever this mannequin is in order to get back home with my son, Nick, but... Oh, man! I don't know!

I'm an anchor. Oh, that stupid warlock. Oh, that sucks. And your son. Oh, that also sucks. Wait, what warlock? Well, Jody, it seems like you're in the same position that I am. My dad is kind of an anchor as well. Yeah. He's also paid in. I love him. My dad's an emotional anchor. That's what Samantha told me. No, Ron, you are so much better than your dad. Your dad's not an anchor. He's a fucking...

He's an asshole. He's an asshole. That's what Samantha says. She says, I got to cut him loose. I've been trying. You got to cut him from the team if you want to use a sports bet. You got to cut him from the team. Yeah, he can eat a bunch of oranges. All right, look here, weird, creepy lady mannequin thing. You may have amazing control of that voice and something I'm jealous of, but you need to switch us back immediately so we can finish this.

figuring what the hell's going on. Well, are you the one who messed up our bodies in the first, our body minds in the first place? Yeah. What? No, why would I ever do that? I couldn't even get in contact with you until my boy came here close to his anchor. I've been looking at it now, I guess in the wrong body. You can see that we're all in the wrong body? I can sense it. Yeah, you're all acting kind of weird. I'm not using any magic or whatever. You just are acting really bizarre. Ma'am, ma'am. Hi, I'm Henry Oak. Um, I

Can we just rewind for a moment here? You kind of offer that you could put us all back in our bodies. Is that something you can do? Because if so, I think we'd all be really interested in that. Yeah, I could do it again. Sure, happily. Do we have any more cell phones? Do we have any working cell phones? In all the hubbub, Glenn and Jody's body has failed to notice that his cell phone is ringing. Oh, shit. I'm going to turn away from everyone and take it out and look at it. Morgan is calling. I open it up.

Hello? Hey, hey, honey. Hey, uh, I, uh, are you okay? Are you okay? It's been, you know, honestly like 45 seconds, but I'm just really, I miss you a lot. I'm really scared and I want to make sure that Nicholas is okay. Is he around? Could I talk to him? Morgan? Yeah. Is that really you? Uh, yeah. So, it's been a really busy 45 seconds for you, huh? You sound all different. Oh, honey. I...

So Glenn starts to have a panic attack because he's literally never been in a position this emotionally vulnerable in his entire life, nor in the podcast. So...

Glenn and Jody's body, you can see across the room, Nicholas is turning back to you and he sees a lot of panic in your eyes. So he strides it very confidently and he pats you on the back and he takes the phone with his other hand and sort of puts it between the two of you. So she's kind of on speaker and she goes, it's okay, mom, shitty dad and I are totally fine. And we love you so much. We still suck, but we love, we love you with all the sucking. I haven't stabbed anyone. And,

And you see this like struggling and you see behind him that like Nicholas is using his hand to keep Peyton at arm's length and Peyton is trying to slap him. Like, let me talk to my mom. Let me talk to my mom. And I got it. I got it. It's fine. I'm doing a great job. It's really Morgan. She's, she's really alive. But she...

She doesn't remember me? She doesn't know who I am? She doesn't know who I am? She doesn't remember me? Dad's having a little, there was a spell. There was a spell. Ah, a big crazy spell. But I stabbed the guy, so it's fine. But we'll call you back. I love you, Mom. I love you so much, Mom. Morgan, Morgan, don't get in the car. Don't get in the car, Morgan. And he hangs up the phone for you. And he goes, it's okay. It's okay, man. You got to keep it together, though. You got to keep it together. You're going to have a panic attack. That's not good. Glenn crumbles to the ground. We got to have you here now. This is important. Are you okay? Can I use the phone now? I wanted to call someone. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, no problem. Nicholas tosses you the phone. Henry walks over to Glenn in Jody's body and gives him a big hug and is kind of rubbing his back. Jody looks over at Glenn and kind of scoffs. He's like, I mean, I got to say, the team is having difficulty keeping it together, keeping their eyes on the mission. I'm going to be honest. Hey, back off, fucking Jody. Yeah, I agree, Jody. We've been really cool with you for a moment, but that was obviously really emotional for Glenn. And what you just said was really inconsiderate. So, you know, go, go,

Fuck yourself. Yeah. How about that? Feel something for Glenn there. As everyone's yelling at each other, you hear Ron in the background go, Hey, Beth, it's me, Ron. You probably don't recognize my voice, but I just... I'm really freaked out right now, and I needed to tell someone that I've gone through a lot, and I, you know... I...

I don't know if I want to be Ron anymore. Should I go back to being Ron or should I stay as Henry? And every time I have to fuck somebody, I fuck them like my dad's going to come in and make me go through the rest of the pack. I'm sorry. I was doing the audio book of my poetry book. I was recording my audio book.

Oh my goodness. I didn't catch that. You're, you're, this is Ron? I'm talking to Ron? It's Ron, yeah. I know I sound like Ron's cool friend Henry, but I just, I want a little perspective. You know, we're all going to switch our bodies back. Do you think I should go back to being Ron or do you like Henry more as like far as like, I feel like I could do different stuff than what I was doing. I'm just really turned around. Uh, I can't remember you telling me much about Henry.

Is that the... Trying to think of what Ron would have said about the other dads before going on this thing. Wild to be watching this from a person who is both things.

okay yeah yeah is henry the like condescending one who's like kind of hot but you like resent yourself for it yeah and he's got the wife that talks in elvish i mean spanish i can't remember what it's called but i don't know how many times i tell you that spanish is a real thing i don't know why it doesn't stick it's because it's muy bueno to speak spanish on the television anyway i gotta go thanks beth i you know i i thought this would be funnier than it was and i hang up i think it's

Okay. Feel free to pick up the immortal soul Savage yard on paperback right now. I thought that it was pretty funny. I mean, Hey Ron, when you called Beth, you know, you should have given her a chance to give you a better advice. Cause she's really good at giving advice. Oh shoot. You know, you're right. I call Beth. Some people call a mom friend. Oh my God. Hey Beth, just hang on. I'm going to put Daryl on speakerphone. Cause he's been giving me some good advice lately. And so I just want to hear from both of you what I should do. So,

So, hey, you're on with Daryl. And this book is dedicated to the best man I know, Anthony Bursch. No, I'm going to delete that. I better delete that. That's not going in any of the editions. Sorry, what's going on? Hey, Beth, it's me, Daryl Wilson. I put my hand out. I know you're on a phone. The handball one. Yeah, so Daryl. I'm the handball one. Yeah. You sound like Ron. No. So somebody asked me a question about whether Ron should keep being Ron. I...

Like, I like Ron. Oh, thanks, man. Ron, I assume you're listening. You're cool. Like, you're fine. I mean, you're not cool. Like, you're okay. There's a lot of stuff about you that's really, you know, confusing or whatever, but, like, you're you. And there's, you know, there's something beautiful about that. Like, in my book, The Immortal Soul Sound Yard, which you can get on Amazon now, like...

I talk a lot about what it is to be you and like the damage you carry with you and like how we're all sort of combinations of things they've done to us and the things that we do. And a lot has happened to you, obviously. And you've also done a lot in return with Terry and stuff. So I think you're fine.

I think you're an okay person. It's okay to be just okay. Ron is silent and Henry's body just crying and there's just tears streaming down his face. He says, thanks, Beth. I really appreciate that. Okay, cool. I'm going to go tweet some shit about the Titanic sinking and how it's like a blowjob and it's going to go nuclear on my retweets. So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to have to prepare myself mentally for that for a couple

hour. I just want to say, Beth, if you're not emotionally happy with how the tweet does, you can call me and I'll listen. I can listen to you complain about that. Yeah, absolutely. You know what? I will. Okay. Back to the show. I have transcended this podcast. I

I have removed my skin and am only a brain and a heart naked with all of these stabbings. Is that a new poem in the book? Yes, actually. Amazing. Right before you put the phone away, you instantly get a text that says, a thousand likes, fucking ridiculous. Weak. Could have done better. Mom, what's going on? Okay, so I can lay all this out, but it's going to be kind of a...

First, before the exposition, we're going to do a body. One second, before we do that, Glenn, it's a lot going on. Can we all just take one second to just look? Because very rarely do we get to see our own bodies in three-dimensional space outside ourselves. Can we all just take a moment to just really acknowledge and appreciate our forms for one second? And then, Demon, do you mind if you give us that moment? Anytime. Take as much time as you need.

So Henry starts looking at his body and just kind of circles it and just kind of, you know, admires and feels the power and the understanding of the space that he inhabits normally. Ron's body steps up behind Daryl and spanks him and says, looking good, cowboy. Oh, hey. Okay. I mean, I guess it's fair. It is your body. That's absolutely something I guess you can do. Joey looks at Jody's body crying and goes, heh. Boom!

Ron is looking at himself in a mirror and goes, I don't get what's so special about this, Henry. Amazing. Glenn is still speechless. Dee Snyder goes, all right, everybody go ahead and close your eyes and I'm going to do the spell. And just for the sake of my own sanity, I'm just going to sort of rip the fantasy bandaid off in one go. So, so, so Nicholas put earmuffs on. Both of you cover each other's ears. Hearing both of those people simultaneously say that the two kids are both about to protest.

But then they sort of like squint and Nicholas goes, all right, I guess. And she was the knives and puts his hands on Peyton's ears and Peyton goes, of course, father. And then puts his hands on Nicholas's ears. And then D Snyder says like, okay, this is going to feel weird, but just trust me. It's all going to be good. It's going to be good. And as your eyes are closed, you feel like a, a heave forward. Like you get massive vertigo for a split second and you feel your body transition from the body that you're in to the

another body. And as that is happening, you hear the voice of Dee Snider say, so...

the whole Jodie Foster thing, like that is your name, but the identity you have, like you're a demon. You're my son, you're a demon. You lived and we killed stuff together and it was awesome. But then we got attacked and you got trapped in a battleaxe made of hatred. And then that battleaxe got taken by the state and

And then they broke it open and sucked you out like the yolk from an egg. And then they kept you around in case they needed to do anything messed up. So while that was happening, another trial was going on with this dick bag named Glenn. Oh, that's who that is. Glenn Close. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right. It's all coming together.

So there was a trial. The ruling was that this cat had to lose his son. And so the easiest way to do that is to send somebody back in time to change the timeline. And the only thing that can do that intentionally, especially when it comes to taking identities, is a demon. So they took you and they shoved you back in time and they found the cop that found his dead wife.

What? And they put your personality into his body. So basically, you are a demon inside the body of the cop that found Glenn Close's dead wife, but you went back far enough that you met Glenn Close's wife. I wish you hadn't because that makes it-

And the entire time I've been looking for you and trying to get you back here and using as much mommy magic as I could to get a location on you. And I finally managed to drag you here. So this anchor thing that whatever, you don't have an anchor. You're from here. You can stay here as long as you want to. I just wanted to chat with you and hang out and be cool. Then who was phone?

Sorry, that's all messed up. But whatever you want to, you can get all your memories back and return to your demon form. And all you got to do is basically think, I want to be a demon again. And then you'll be a demon again and your body will turn into fire and the meat part will die or whatever. But you'll be super powerful and I can hang out and be mother and son. So I'm so excited for that to happen. So, yeah, whenever you're ready, just go ahead and think, I'm a demon. I want to be a demon. And then we can hang out.

and you don't have to be that weird meat dad anymore. Jody, back in his own body, explicitly thinks, I'm not a demon. I'm a daddy. Well, unfortunately, I didn't say that you went back into your own body. No! No! No! How did I not see this coming? Jimmy, you have Henry in your body. Oh my God! Freddie, you have Daryl in your body. Yes! Oh my God. Beth, you have Jody in your body. Oh God. Matt, you have Ron in your body. Oh my God.

And Will, you have Glenn in your body. Oh my God. So she goes, so anyway, that's all the mommy magic I have right now, but I just wanted to explain that to you. And then yeah, whenever you're ready, just go ahead and take that and you'll be back into your original mode. Thank you so much. You've been a wonderful audience. Good night. And the mannequin explodes. It's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. Cause that's just life. And if you die, it'll be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right.

Dungeons and Daddies is... Hold on one second.

This is different. Matt Arnold as Henry Oak. Anthony Burch as our DM. Will Campos as Ron Stampler. Beth May as Daryl Wilson. Freddie Wong as Jodie Foster. And Jimmy Wong as Glenn Close. Theme song is All Right by Maxson Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special guest Jason Boulay as Baz Benham Benquin.

We were connected with Jason through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and instead of blowing his wish on hanging out with John Cena or going to Disney World, he decided to try his hand in the fast-paced competitive world of voice acting and podcasting. So thank you, Jason, for lending your talents to this episode as the voice message of the crow. Special thanks as well to Noelle, one of our fine patrons, who had the idea of tying in Jodi with the battle acts of hatred and the whole time travel thing. Thank you very much, Noelle. Noelle isn't the only fine patron.

that we have on our Patreon. We got a whole slew of them. Folks like Matt Donald, Alex J. Bushman, Ash Obenaus, JP Putnam, Josh J., Ronan Biggs, Jarvis Jarden, Kevin Hernandez, Rob Diebald, Shane Zussman, Molly O'Hanlon, Chris Holder, Tyler Fife, Brian Murray,

Tivis Sloan, Caitlin Seltzer, Alexandria Studley, Darcelle Minor, and Devin Benfield. If you're not on our Patreon like those folks, you are straight up missing out. I'm saying that right now. You're missing out. What are you missing out on? You're missing out on the funniest miniseries, in my opinion, that we've recorded thus far. Gungans and Daddies, all that jizz. It's a Star Wars miniseries. Episode 2 just came out, and if you act now, you can get on the Patreon. You can listen to Episode 1, then you can join us on Patreon.

Thank you.

all of that and more. You can find it at patrion.com slash dungeons and dads. Check it out, please. You can also check out our merch at bit.ly slash dad merch, all caps, like you're shouting it. Follow us on our Twitter at dungeons and dads, dungeons and daddies is our subreddit. Thank you so much for listening. Our next episode is coming at you May 4th. Ah,

crap that means we have to put out the Gungans and Daddies episode 2 on May 4th you can't miss that date alright I guess that's what we're doing okay oh and you know what stick around for a little snippet of episode 1 of Gungans and Daddies little treat there was a time you'd need between to know they never brought you down

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