Ep. 64 - Mechanics and Heat 101
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hi, the Stampler Stampede.

That's what I'm calling my fandom. Love you guys. If you were looking at me, you could see that I was crying a little bit, but this is just on audio, and so you can't really tell. I feel like I owe an apology to some people. The apology is because I said a joke that was...

Well, the execution of the joke was not funny, even if the idea of the joke was. But part of my growing as a person made me really step back and say, "Whoa, Ron, maybe even if you'd said the joke as good as it could have been, it might not still have been a good joke to say because it might have hurt people's feelings."

So if your feelings were hurt by my joke about women, I want to say I'm sorry and that it won't happen again that way. To all those...

who feel like I've wronged them, I would like to offer you free concert tickets to RonCon, the Bye, I'm Ron farewell tour, which will be taking place outside of Neverwinter. It's gonna be a great, legit show. You're gonna have a blast. Again, I am crying. And like, comment, and subscribe. Don't comment if it's a bad thing.

Okay, so this is a new video. Apparently my apology video did not go over well and I have to apparently apologize for that. I can see how you felt maybe because you couldn't see me crying that I wasn't actually apologizing enough. This video is not monetized. The last one was and still is, so go ahead and smash that like button.

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Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four dads from our world, this world, the world you're listening in. Season two should be a BDSM podcast. Damn. That's the answer. What a safe choice. Considering how not uncomfortable you were doing all the BDSM stuff in that episode, I'm sure you'll be really happy to do that for literally three years of your life. Are you against personal growth? Like, we'll just all get more comfortable with it. That's fair, yeah. I guess that's your character arc. I was uncomfortable with doing D&D, and now...

Look at me. I'm not okay. This is about four dads from our world flung into a land of high fantasy and magic in a quest to rescue their lost sons. One step closer every week. One step closer to the edge. Are they about to break? We're definitely not a step closer. We lost one son. We're farther away than we've ever been. But you gained a Doug. Two steps forward, one step back. My name is Freddie Wong. Hi, Freddie. Hey, Freddie. Well, I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bar dad. Oh, Matt didn't get to hang out.

The rock and roll bar dad of the group. This week's Glenn fact. Glenn's Satoshi. He's the guy who invented Bitcoin. What? No, he's not.

Hold on. You can't. Shut the fuck up. He can do whatever he wants. That's canon. No, that's not canon. That's canon. I think we all get one veto on a dad fact. I think that's the new rule. Oh, I would have spent mine on you quite a while ago. I don't want to get into too much, but I do want to clarify. So you're saying canonically Glenn created Bitcoin or is there some like... Satoshi Nakamoto is the alias. I don't care about him. I care about Glenn. Of a pseudonym of a person who supposedly created Bitcoin. Glenn claims he...

Is Satoshi Nakamoto. Is he? No. He would not be running around doing Christmas cover band DJ stuff if he had invented Bitcoin. But what if he sold it too early? Oh, the irony. Yeah, just because you invented money doesn't mean you have money. I'm going

It would be embarrassing if you didn't, but it doesn't mean that it's a lie. I'm going along with that fact because maybe Bitcoin will help us in this final battle. Let's not throw out any things that could help us in the final battle. The concept of Bitcoin might work here in the Forgotten Realms. You know what I mean? Like you get a bunch of goblins solving math problems. So you see, once they've solved these Sudokus...

You can spend this money. But why is it worth anything? Well, because they have to spend all this effort to solve these Sudokus. Hey, everybody. Just farms of goblins solving Sudokus. That's dark. That's why Glenn wants to stay in the Forgotten Realms because he sees much of the rooms. He's like, I got all these ideas. I could do the movie. What was it, the one? Yesterday. Yesterday. Glenn's just going to do the Beatles.

Everyone's going to be like, this song sucks. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, the stay-at-home coach dad. Wait, do you prefer to go by Matthew? Do I always say Matt Arnold? You just said Matthew. That's true. You just said Matthew. Have we been incorrectly calling you Matt? Sometimes you do say Matthew. Sometimes I say Matthew. Hold on, shit. Go into the transcripts. Honestly, that's pretty wild, I guess. Yeah, I've never been one to really care what people call me.

And that makes you invincible. I respect that. Matt Arnold in Call Me By A Name. Hi, everybody. This is Matthew Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of dragons. What do your parents call you? I don't know. Matt or one. Matt, Matthew. They call me both. Sometimes the wrong name. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. That's all.

I don't know what people call me. Energy is just electric. Speaking of this energy. Well, no, I mean, it's fitting because this seven deadly sin I'm going to talk about today is sloth. Probably because I was a little too lazy to really come up with a good dad fact. Which is a fact into itself, if you think about it. But Daryl's a pretty high energy, like pretty get it together person. Like he's not really lazy. Like sloth's definitely not his problem, except when it comes to pretty much all things technology. So, yeah.

he's probably never responded to an email and that is why he still has his Nokia. It's like the moment he even gets close to a phone store, he's just, let's get some ice cream. It's fine. We don't need to do this. So yeah. What if the phone store has a thing where it's like, hey, what if your cell phone was on your belt? I mean, he has one of those. Clearly that's what he won't get from Amazon. He'd rather go to the store than like actually work on Amazon. I'd rather go to a small business like Verizon. Or T-Mobile, man.

All right, Will. Hi, everyone. I'm William Campos. I am the voice of Henry Oak, Birkenstock, Rockin', Crunchy Munchy, Hippie Nature, Drew Dead. My Henry fact this week is that Henry's dad was the elusive bank robber, D.B. Cooper. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah, that tracks.

No, that's not my dad fact. My fact this week, we're talking about, you know, Matt's been doing the seven deadly sins. I'd like to talk about Henry's deepest, darkest secret. Oh, shit. This is the darkest, most fucked up thing to Henry about himself. All right. Henry knows that his Birkenstocks aren't vegan. Ooh.

That's great. So Birkenstocks, this is in fact brought to you by the fact that I finally plunked down for a pair of Birks, my first ever, and they're glorious. But they're leather. And I was like, they have a vegan Birkenstock. And I was like, no, I want the leather ones. And the footing of the sole is suede. Like you're parking your bad boy feet in suede, my man. It is glorious. That's why they're so expensive.

Yeah, they cost a pretty penny. So an animal died for you to wear shoes. Yes, so here's what I'm thinking. I think Henry got his first pair as a gift. So he's like, well, it would be wrong to throw them out. He'd be disrespecting the animal. And then, oh, baby, those shoes, man. So he keeps buying leather ones. No, but every time he needs to re-up with a new pair, he's gotta

find a new way to be able to get them so that he can half-ass justify it to himself. So he'll be like, hey, could you get me a pair of Birkenstocks for my birthday? But he's not going to tell you that there's a vegan one. And he's hoping you're going to go to the store and, you know, like that they're not going to have it because they don't really have it in a lot of stores. So it's like every time he's just getting a little closer and closer. I think the last time he just straight up like someone got him vegan ones and then he lost them. That's dark. Damn.

That's extra weights we wasted. Yeah, well, we wasted the vegan ones. He's like, these shoes suck. That was something. That was energy. That was water. That's water. He put them somewhere and hoped that someone else would go pick them up. It happened. He paid it forward to a stranger. No, if you ever wonder why Henry has this weird tension in his energy, it's because every step is a lie. Every step is a piece of hypocrisy. Every step reminds him. The pleasure in his feet reminds him that he's a hypocrite. That's my dad fact for this week. Dang.

Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week, a fact that has been compiled throughout this entire intro as everybody else was introducing themselves. Ron never actually knew what FOMO meant. Even when Glenn explained that it was fear of missing out, like it went over Ron's head. Hayden's explanation didn't cover it either.

Ron has been thinking and he's come up with a few ideas of what it might mean instead. We've got fear of musical overtures. Wow. Okay. Facts on mystery orbs. Facts on mystery orbs. Friday, okay. Monday, oh no. Ha!

That's good. That's objectively better. That's good. It's better. FOMO, that's good. First of my opportunities, fist, oral, marriage, orthodontist. I guess it's like an order of sex. My four favorite things. Those are the bases, I believe. The best forms of penetration. Feet, ow, my orthotics. Oh, nice, nice, nice. Fucked on my ottoman. Fucked on my ottoman.

I think that's it. This sounds sarcastic, but like you genuinely are a poet. That is not sarcastic.

I'll take a picture of this. That should be the title of your next book is fucked on my auto. People be like, oh my God, what does it mean? Hi, I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. I don't really have much of a dad fact today. Got a second wax. It's what they said. It's easier the second time. Yeah. That means we're dealing with smooth Anthony this year. Hold on. Guys, we are recalibrate. We were expecting stubble Anthony. I'm going to be nicer this time. I don't know what it does to your personality that you can just.

Say you got your asshole waxed the second time in a public forum and just not have any expression or emotion. It's called a lack of shame. But yeah, that's Anthony right now. You know how you don't care what people call you? I don't care what people anything name. That's not the same thing. You know, Matt, Matthew, hey everybody, I got my ass waxed. Then I'll call you he of unwaxed ass. Jungle butt. My favorite song. It's just me over here with my jungle butt.

Okay, so last episode, you did a bunch of prep for the big fight. Henry went to Oakvale and got his mother Autumn, a crab mech, and a bunch of Oakvalians to come by. How many Oakvalians did we get, by the way? I was thinking like 20. 20! Wow. 30 to 50 feral Oakvalians. 30 to 50 feral Oakvalians. But you said they're druids, right? They are druids, but I'm saying they're all pretty low level, like one or two. Okay. But they are feral. I'm just saying they're all level two. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Let's round up. They all have like animal souls. If you remember, that's right. They're like animals that think they're humans. Is that like my dog? Yeah, it's kind of the vibe. Ron and Daryl went to do maybe the funniest scene I think we've ever done in the show. I agree with that here. Here. Talking to Doug's parents to try to get some DNA from him so they could revive him using what you did.

And we ended last episode as you used the return button on the remote control to bring Doug back to life. Now, if everyone could give me an Arcana check, please. Arcana. 14 plus 3, 17 for Glenn. 13 plus 0 is 13. 6 plus 7, 13. I got an 11. Glenn, only you notice. Nice. That fiat currency is meaningless. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

It's a fucking lie. Yeah, I agree. You know, based on the things that Aaron has told you about Peyton and all those kinds of things, the thing that makes a person a person is a combination of their soul and their memories. And you can be like Peyton and have a soul with no memories, but you feel magically that Doug has memories but no soul. Oh, God. Oh, no. We pet Cemetery Doug. He was always like that. Sometimes Doug is better.

Doug has memories, but no soul. Yeah, so he remembers sort of the way that he's supposed to act vaguely, but like... The soil of an intern's heart is so... So he's the perfect intern. It sounds like what you're describing...

is an ideal like worker an ideal unit of productivity I guess in a capitalistic enterprise I mean hell like for its length Metropolis we got one of those folks okay criterion collection slow down I was literally gonna say Brazil so we're gonna get you from both angles you

if you just said brazilian but you guys you wouldn't have said terry gilliam i know who directed that movie it was fritz long i'm gonna kind of like gesture to the rest of the dads over him hey guys hey what's up glenn hey doug it's great to see you but we're gonna talk for one second but thanks again for the coffee bud i'll be here okay can you check what if anybody else like especially the boys and anybody else wants some drinks or whatever coffee for my boys no coffee just decaf for them or for the boys and then coffee orders for the other like

30 people. I mean, see what they want. Not everybody wants coffee. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'll go ask. And then he starts going through the like 30 or 40 people you have around her. And Doug, keep it up. Sport. What's up, Glenn? So I have this like, called an intuition, spending a lot of time around crystals and stuff like that. Actually, you spend some time around crystals too. Oh, yeah? What kind of crystals are you into? Oh, uh... J-O crystals. J-O crystals. I feel like if anybody tried J-O crystals, it would be Glenn. Is this a thing? You're the J-O

Hey everyone, we're not doing an episode this week. We're just learning stuff today. Just a little corner of internet history here for you. This is a reference to a Craigslist ad, which was titled Charge Up and J-O 38 Houston. And then it's a picture of a shirtless guy in the crystal next to him. It says, the crystal I wear around my neck contains an essence that gets recharged in a jacket with a bro who also has a crystal.

It gives me confidence at work, home, social situations, etc. Nobody knows it's a J.O. Crystal, but me and my bros, I've seen it glow white while jerking it with a butt. That's how I know it's real. You can come over for as long as you want, but I need a picture of you preferably wearing a crystal before I waste my time. Crystal, come over here.

There's no way this is real. Honestly, that's kind of beautiful. It is. I mean, it's kind of sad because it's like also it has this air of like, it's not gay. Like, I just have friends and we like to jerk off around each other. It's adorable. Oh, no.

I've lost my train of thought completely. We were talking about crystals. I don't know what I'm getting you all for Christmas. I'm serious. If you want to ruin it, just say this one comes pre-charged. Well, Doug seems to be kind of the opposite of Peyton, not in an intern sense. I mean, he's definitely the opposite of Peyton in so many ways. What do you mean? I look into his eyes and I don't see anything.

a spark of a human being inside there. You mean like, like what, Glenn? Like, what are you saying? I just think we can probably work him harder. Oh.

So are you okay? Is that why you just want to work him harder? Is that all you want to tell us? Well, I just want, I'm getting just a group enterprise. I'm getting the everyone's opinion about this. What? I mean, okay. We should still like treat him with respect. You know, we got to be nice to him. Yeah. I mean, we brought him back from the dead. You know, we want to, you know, dogs have souls. Oh boy. Yeah. Yes. They absolutely have souls. What about fish?

Yeah. No. In Anthony's world, he can answer that however he wants. That's his world. But according to the Christian God, no heaven for fish. Damn. Wait, hold on. Wait, Anthony, does that mean that we could transfer Peyton's soul into Doug to form a complete human being? If you wanted to turn this weird combination of people into somebody with Peyton's

soul and Doug's memories and then make Peyton's body an empty husk of nothing, then I guess that's something. Yeah, Peyton has memories. He just doesn't have Frank's memories, but Peyton has memories and a soul. Yes. It's simple. Yeah, but the soul is more important. I don't know if I'd say soul is more important. Whatever. Anyway, that's all. I just wanted to throw that observation I made about Doug. Hey, this coffee is really good, though.

This is a lot to think about. At least he remembered how to make a good coffee. Wait a second, though. There's like resurrection magic and stuff like that. Does that mean like if we get brought back, it's like our soul doesn't come back?

Is that what that means? Doug doesn't have a soul? Doug has a soul? I mean, I'm not a big fan of his. He murdered somebody. He definitely tainted his soul. I would say that a lack of a soul would be a great asset as a businessman. I don't know. Like, in the back of my head, I've been like, I know this is like a big, scary fight, but it kind of felt like if we died, like, there's probably some ways for us to come back. So I'm kind of like, hey, hey, mom, I have a question. My friends and I have a question, mom. Yes. Hello. Hello, everyone. Hello, Ronald. Hello.

Hi, Mrs. Henry's mom. Hi, Mrs. Oak. Call me Autumn. Hi, Autumn Oak. You call me Mrs. Oak. You call me Autumn. Okay, hi, Mrs. Oak. So, Mom, you know, like, about magic and stuff. You've been here a lot longer. My memory's a little fuzzy. If you cast a spell to bring someone back from the dead, do they come all the way back? Or, like, how does that work? No, no, no, they don't come all the way back. Generally, when you bring somebody back, there's something tainted about them in some way.

not necessarily because they like turn evil or whatever. It's not a demonic situation, but basically once their soul goes to whatever plane that they're intended to go to, uh, in the afterlife, there's kind of no taking that back unless you go to the plane itself and then convince them to come back. So what you're generally bringing back when you bring somebody back is their memories and sort of their overall form. Uh,

Your friend Scam Likely is not entirely dissimilar. He came back kind of weird, right? That's true. He did. Yeah. We thought that Doug was in hell, but he was in heaven. And he didn't tell us. I never understood, but one of Carol's favorite shows was Buffy. And yeah, there's like, yeah, there's some, I don't know, that young girl like died and she was pretty upset when they brought her back.

A young woman died. A young girl died. She was pretty upset with she... But she still came all the way back. This seems like a different situation. This is a different thing, yeah. Okay, wait, so if you come back and then you die again, then there's... You can't bring back anything. Even the memories are gone at that point. It's like taking a photocopy of a fax. Yeah.

I don't know if I agree with you, Mrs. Oak, but that's okay. Okay. I think your separation of members and souls doesn't really vibe with... Do you not respect my faith there, Henry? I'm just saying I disagree. I'm not saying... I mean, I don't want to yuck your religious yum, so it may be the case in your world, but that's how things work here. Wow, so tolerant. You're right, Daryl. In our world, when someone gets brought back from the dead, which is a real... Oh, wait, no. I was about to say something offensive to you, so I'm going to walk that back. Oh!

So I'm going to pump the brakes. I'm going to walk that back. I'm sorry. I think we're due for another apology. I mean, yeah, I can't believe you would say something so coarse and so unfeeling.

I don't know if we should support Henry and his... Okay, Ron. Okay, Ron. I'll see you over there later in wherever that place that people... Cancel town. Cancel town, sir. Anyway, Daryl, I'm sorry. I think I'm just a little rattled right now, but that was a pig-headed thing of me to say. I do think we should all be... This is just... I'm going to...

Yeah, no, it's okay. I'll be honest. I didn't even hear what you said. Ron was taking notes on this apology. It's just more, yeah, I'm just trying to get my head around it because like, I mean, Doug's one thing. I just, you know, memory, soul. It just feels weird that you're separating those two things. That's okay. Cause I honestly, I'm just trying to figure it out. This whole look, like dad, dad, hold on. Oh, and Mrs. Mrs. Oak. Again, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. She squeezes in right next to Ron. I'm just, um, Daryl squeezes in between Ron and Mrs. Oak. Married man, Mrs. Oak. Um,

Did you hear that? I said he's a married man. Oh, yeah. Does that mean as little as it does in this world, in your world? I don't know, Henry, Ron. I'm not saying out of this one. What is it? What does word mean? No, nothing. Nothing. I just want. OK.

Daryl's feeling very uncomfortable. I'm just trying to figure out this whole Peyton. Like, look, like we got Frank's soul in there and Peyton's got his memories and feels like we got this whole daddy magic situation going on. And, you know, it's just, it feels like whether it's now or sometime, like we're going to have to figure out this whole, you know, bring Frank back and what that's going to be like. So I'm just trying to figure out what's going to,

It's weird. It's like I'm trying to figure out what's going to happen like before I leap off the diving board. Oh, shoot. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just I'm trying to come up with an analogy. I'm trying to figure out what's going to happen before it's going to happen. Maybe we just got to do it and pull off the bandaid. I don't know. Well, no, I understand. I guess some.

of that daryl it's just i think you're you know if you want something but you're scared of what you might lose yeah and that's yeah that's scary we're gonna have to break the anchor at some point and i think i just keep trying to like figure out what's going to happen so when they could break look i mean you're right is we got to talk about this eventually and okay we don't need to talk about it now no i'm saying we i'm saying we should talk about it okay payton is you know i

If I remember how it works, there's the bowl and you break the bowl. And then Peyton's going to remember all the Frank stuff with your dad that from being your dad, right? That contains all his memories. Yeah. His memories. Right. Yeah. His memories. Yeah. Once he remembers being your dad,

Then don't like, doesn't Peyton have to, you know, I think he'll remember both though. Right? Like it doesn't just rewrite. Autumn says, yeah, it's not going to rewrite. He's going to remember being Peyton and your dad. He's going to be like a sort of Frank and Peyton, a sort of Frank and Peyton, if you will. He's going to remember. So my dad's going to wake up and be like, Oh, I've been dead.

And you're old now. What's going on? What's happened with everybody? They'll have Peyton there to chill him out. He's Peyton, though. I don't know. It's pretty freaky to me, too. He can self-soothe. I need some time. It's just we don't have time to think about this, but it'd be nice if I had time to think about this. Wait, Darryl, let me say something real quick. Okay. I

I know that you can't predict what's going to happen and that can be scary, but there have been lots of things that have happened on this little adventure of ours that have been terrible and that I haven't predicted and that I didn't want to happen. And despite all of that,

I am here with you guys, and I have my stepson, my son Terry, and I am okay. And so there are a lot of things that you can't predict. And yeah, we might die. Oh, man. Ron, you're the best. Is that it? Ron, honestly, yeah. That was beautiful. Ron, you're the best. I love you.

You know what? Knowing that I got friends like you means I'm going to get through this, and I just can't wait to get out of this and start a business with you, Ron. We're going to be great businessmen. Yeah. Wow. We'll talk about that later. Sorry, that's been on my mind a lot, too. We'll figure this out. It feels like a nighttime thing. I don't know why. It's just like I always have serious conversations at night. Let's see what we do next. What's next? It's also currently night. You guys were talking around the campfire. Oh, man. Who said that? It was nighttime. I got to. Okay. Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to take up the whole thing with just trying to figure this out. No, you got a lot going.

on dude okay and to remind you because you now have Doug the intern all of your roles will be a d8 instead of a d10 for how many hours your climax we know lovely

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Let me see if I've got the lay of the land here. We've got four pillars that I gather are projecting some sort of anti-magic field. To be clear, there's a big model slash drawing of this in the sand with a whiteboard and Nick Jr.'s helping out and Daryl's been trying to keep track of all this. There's a cool 3D map.

is what you're saying? Okay, so we've got these four towers that are powering an anti-magic field. It feels like we need to take these out first. Is that right, Autumn slash Anthony? Is that how the field works? So Autumn is walking around with you looking like General George S. Patton. Or no, it's MacArthur. I was going to say Mon Mothma in the Return of the Jedi scene. Oh, Mon Mothma's even better. Yeah, she's standing there looking austere and distant.

And she says, yes, those four crystals are almost certainly powering that anti-magic dome. Do all four of them need to be there? If you take out one, does it take out the whole thing? How does that work? From what I can tell, if you destroy all four of them, obviously the entire field goes down. If you destroy one of them, then it increases the chances that going through will not disable a particular spell. Basically, any magic that tries to go through will have to make a roll, and that roll gets lower depending on how many of those pylons are down. Hmm. There's the four pillars, and then in the field there's a big wall.

And the wall is protected by archers? Do I remember that correctly? Yes, the wall is within the four anti-magic pillars. And there are archers on the battlements of the wall itself. There is a catapult they're trying to build within the confines of the walls. And there are a bunch of grunts, the Boreanaz and his daddies, everything, and the angry innkeep. Oh, hold on, guys, I have an idea. What? So we have Roncon happening right here as a great distraction.

We're going to need thumping beats from an opening DJ because those bass beats will hide the vibrations and sounds of a group of sappers who are going to dig underneath those four pillars because...

They cover the magical field, but we don't need to worry about the magical field. We can dig underneath those towers and blow them up from underneath. They won't see us coming. Wait, isn't there stuff underneath the ground too? The magical field itself, it looks like a dome, but it's actually a sphere and half of that sphere is underground. That's totally fine. Which is fine. Good old fashioned explosives don't necessarily trigger. It's not magic. That's just chemistry and physics, baby. No, yeah. The fire will not be stopped by the anti-magic field. Okay. So explosives. We got dairy. Dairy. We got carry four tunnel. Carry. Oh.

Okay, I'm tired. We got to dig for tunnels, right? Yeah, you got a lot going on. Yeah, we got to dig for tunnels. Can we get another coffee over here for Daryl? Doug. Right at once, at once, of course. So we got to knock down those towers. And the cover is going to be the bass beats from the opening act. It's going to be kind of a shitty DJ. I know just the one. I'm kidding. I'm a great DJ. I was thinking of LeBron James. That's what I was thinking. I'm sorry. What about him? He's so good. He's really good at what he does.

Sorry, you guys aren't following me. Are you okay? Yeah, so it's the LeBron James problem. Like, Willie's LeBron James. Like, at the end of the day, you could, like, take out the rest of the team, but, like, if you're not double teaming, if you're not stopping LeBron, like, you're going to lose the game. So it's like, maybe we start our strategy from, like, biggest problem back. Like, you know, like, if I was trying to beat LeBron's, I don't even know what team he's on because it's just LeBron. Like, it's just the LeBron problem. I think he plays for the Dallas Cowboys, I believe.

He's the one on the Cowboys, right? Daryl's shaking his head. Willie doesn't play basketball. And if he did, I don't know. I think he'd be a lot better than LeBron because he'd probably play defense too. Really?

No, I don't even know if that's a good joke. I don't even know if that's funny enough. It was just being able to hear the smile. Ron's like, all that other stuff sounds really scary, but Willie's really all that I'm thinking about. Yeah, he's at the end. You're right. We've got to come up with our strategy to knock out these pillars. Taking out the pillars is nothing. We've got to get past the wall. That's a pretty big one. But then you're right. Then we've got the dads themselves.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we're going to be right there, mom. It's going to be fun. It's not going to be fun. It's going to be really scary. I don't know why I said it. It's going to be fun to spend time with you, but the context of the time is not going to be fun. I just, but you know, I got what you were saying. It's fine. Just a quick question. Autumn. Yeah. Mrs. Oak. Can you make homunculuses? Uh, I probably could if I wanted to, if I tried really, really hard.

Barry has had a lot more experience than I have in terms of doing soul creepy bullshit magic. I'm more of a Healy stabby type of Druid. But if I had a long enough time to train and hone my skills and stuff, I could hypothetically do that. I mean, we'd have to get a lot of animals to, you know, siphon their souls out and stuff.

Just put that in the back of your heads, everyone. Maybe something there. And Autumn says, oh, by the way, actually on the subject of training, if you all did want to just train your skills, that is something we could spend time doing. My thinking is four Climactions will equal one level up for all of you. Oh, okay.

Okay. That's something you should be aware of. Because the other thought was that Mr. Close, like I'm concerned, but not, I don't know, deep down, maybe it's just the optimist in me. I just like, I don't know. I just feel like ultimately he's going to come down on our side. He just like, he just cares about Glenn too much. Like, I don't know. Yeah. It wasn't really helpful. Glenn, what do you think? Oh, I'm going to kill my dad. Wait, what? Wow. Okay. Dang. I think your dad even really want to hurt us in the trial. Like, yeah. Are you okay? Why do you want to kill him? Uh,

Let's see. Took everything from me. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. That's fair. Oversaw the process which took everything from me. Was complicit in a corrupt system against everything I ever stand for. You know, listen, if I'm going to ever do a Rage Against the Machine cover and I don't rage against the machine, then who am I? You know what I mean? I'm going to kill my dad. Yeah. He sucks. Oh. Okay. Wow. Sorry. Wait, hold on. Let me just back up for a second. Are we all not killing our...

Hold on. I thought the plan was we were all going to kill our dads. I mean, do I need to kill all your dads? Like, I'm totally, I'm up for it. My dad's already died. So there's part of me that's like,

Well, that's already happened. It didn't really work out is what you're saying. It didn't really work out when he died the first time. So I was thinking actually if there's a way that we could not kill him because I don't know. I feel like guilty or I don't know. I don't want to think about it. There's a way that we can control him.

Make sure he doesn't hurt us without us killing him and just because you know it's like Sometimes I get so mad at him, and I get so mad at everything that's happened I'm just like it depth it seems too easy. It seems like I want him to know I want him to know that he didn't get away with this I see what you mean man dang. That's intense. Yeah, that is better than just straight up dang You know you're making me rethink killing my own dang it. Oh

Look, the way I see it, as far as our dad. OK, there's a couple of levels going on here, boys. There's the moral level. There is the empathetic level. And there's the tactical level. And to me, the girls are writing these down. He's already written down three columns. So on a tactical level, my goal is to get through that portal with my boys.

right? Like that's the goal. You know, if my dad's going to stop me from doing it, then the chips are going to fall where they may, sir. He's been making rules and stuff the whole time. You know, the stuff like we can't go back to our world without our anchors. And I don't even know all these arbitrary things and making up these rules and

what if we made rules that he couldn't break what if we found that dragon gartok with the the bracelets and he's got bracelets that make him have to do whatever's on the bracelets right that's true because you know what gartok he was shitty dad i mean little doubt about it he was a pretty shade dad he was the one okay i was gonna say something problematic again and i'm not going to but he was the one before cern right he's the other one yeah there are

too tall. Cern was a lizard. Gartok was a dragon. Cern was a good dad that we ruined his entire life and Gartok was the really bad dad with also really shitty kids. But now he's like, you know, cursed to obey whatever's on the bracelet. Those bracelets are really powerful. Didn't we get him to write something on those bracelets? You wrote something for him. It was treat everybody like you want to be treated or something like that but then it said There's some stuff about mac and cheese in there. So what are you thinking about? You all prepared this part. I can smell it on you.

If we get the bracelets off of Gartok, if we could just find some way to get it on my dad so that he had to obey whatever those bracelets said, then maybe we could get away. What it said would be helpful. I do believe there was like a thing where it said like, you have to respect your kids' decisions within a certain boundaries, which, you know, maybe those boundaries don't really apply. I don't know. It feels a little tight. Pretty early in the podcast. It was a big pain in the butt to get Gartok to write them. And I don't know if he's going to help us. I don't think we can just change what they say. We got to go talk to Gartok, don't we?

Like, we got to go, I mean, step one. Find Gartok. So here's what I like about this plan, because like you said, Willy's the head honcho, you know? And this feels like if we can get that bracelet on Willy, then a lot of our problems become easier, right? Like if we can disable Willy, if we can take him out of the equation, then the whole thing starts to fall apart. Plus, then it solves the problem of like, how is he going to come back?

for us because you know we tell them you leave us alone right so if we can get that Gartok bracelet maybe yeah our battle plan becomes like do you remember that movie with the big purple man do you remember this one there's the big purple man and then there was the space man and the robot man this was I'm not making this up this was a big movie is this a big movie

Two years ago or so, there was a big purple man and a space man and a robot man and like an old man from the Second World War. Oh my God. What movie? There's a big purple man and a robot man and a person from World War II. Oh, and the creepy green man too. There was an angry green fellow. Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue. I can't remember, but in the movie, there was one girl.

And in the movie. And a killer shot with all the ladies lined up like, yes, ladies, let's work it. But they had to get the big purple man had this big glove and they had to get the glove off. So I'm saying this is like the opposite of the purple man movie where we have to put the bracelet on. Are you talking about the Avengers? No, I don't think that's what it's called. X-Men. X-Men. That's what it was. X-Men, the Dark Phoenix saga. Yeah.

I'm 100% confident I, Henry, have said that is the name of the movie. As dads, we are confident in our memory of the movies the kids watch. I remember because it was on TV and I watched about 45 minutes of it standing up behind the couch while drinking a coffee. It was on the Superstation.

so that's good my only concern is guard talk guard talk's not gonna help us well let's try to talk to him maybe we should try to talk to him or or yeah i think we gotta go talk to him first right like let's see if he can help us and then like you know let's see what see if he'll give us the bracelet right okay yeah all right do you all want to go see guard talk together so you'll roll as one climb action are we all yeah yeah i feel like this is a dragon a small one but a dragon nonetheless okay

So the first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to roll your d8 for time. So not bad. You only rolled two. Hey, good job, Doug. Good job, Doug. Doug threw his...

beloved powers of internship. He has a network. His network, his LinkedIn network of chained ghosts that look like... Oh, my God. ...that oversee all of mankind. You find Gartok working at a crunchy fried meat stand called Captain Crunchies. Oh, no. Captain Crunchies. That was sent to us by Derek Rochelle. Thank you, Derek. Oh, no. But thank you, Derek. I'll take a number five, Gartok. Hey, man. Oh, my God.

How's it going? So he's sitting there looking at a fantasy medieval equivalent of a cash register, which is just like a small box with a lever on it. And he goes, welcome to Captain Crunchy's. Would you like to try Crunchy? And then you say his name and he like slowly looks up and anger just crosses his face. And he pulls up one sleeve of his Captain Crunchy's uniform. And you can see the band that you put around his arm way back when. Still there. And it's still glowing. And he goes, what?

do you want? How's, how's it been? Hey, how are you? I've been treating you right since the whole thing. Uh, I've been fine. I,

I have been the definition of hope. No, not like, but not good either. My children, they don't want to see me anymore. I haven't seen them since we were all last hanging out. And yeah, I don't have a big empire of slaves working for me anymore. Yeah, you got a job. You're not having slaves. That's good. No, now I'm the slave. Now I'm the one doing the work for somebody else. They're not paying you? No, they are.

paying me, but like my labor is not equivalent to the amount of money that I'm, it's all, this is bullshit, but no, I'm okay. I have a, I have a one bedroom above a tavern. It's actually not bad. That sounds lovely, man. Welcome to the game. I was winning the game. I was the one determining the rules until I met you. And now I'm just another piece on the board. So do you want a number five really? Or cause there are people behind you. Uh,

Oh, yikes. I turn around to people behind us. Hey, this is closed. They're closed. We got to talk to this guy. Roll persuasion. They walked into the wrong Chonkies. What's it called again? It's called Captain Crunchies, but I like Chonkies. Chonkies is a good nickname. That's what the locals call it. You know how the Australians call McDonald's Maccas? Yeah, it's Chonkies. It's Chonkies. Those in the know call it Chonkies. Exactly, exactly. There's poop on the food, but just today. Come back another day. The guard dog's like, I'm working.

working 13 plus 14 27 27 the orc and a small dog and a fairy behind you like oh bloody oh i wanted to get my chunkies on and they all head off it's okay there's another chunkies open down the way yeah there's one probably three blocks from here we're fine did the dog look hungry not like starving it's not like shivering and it's got big eyes okay just making sure otherwise i would get some food honestly the dog just like curses and seems really entitled about it two legs i

I bet it does. Yeah, he will throw out two legs angrily. That's how you know that's an uppity dog. So, Guard Talk, I see you still have the bracelets. Yes, the ones that I cannot take off under any circumstances. Yeah, I have the one. Don't be shitty to your kids and always buy good- Don't buy store brand. Don't buy store brand mac and cheese. Or toilet paper. So, you can't take them off?

Is that how it works? No, I can't take them. If I could take them off, I would take them. Do you realize how cheap store brand mac and cheese and toilet paper are? I would be living in a two bedroom. They do seem seductive, don't they? Yes, they do. If we get them off of you, can you change what they say for us? The question is, when you get them off, aka by cutting my arms off,

Do you have a way to reattach my arms? What if... Wait, that's a good question. How are we going to get them off? I just told you by cutting my arms off. I'm not going to cut your arms off. We're not going to cut your arms off. What if we never put them on? What do you mean, Ron? What if we never put the bracelets on? I mean, I know that we did, but what if we didn't? Because you're talking about that movie. What movie? Avengers? Oh, no, in the sequel to the Purple Man movie. Okay, so we can go back...

in time and never put them on. But we still want him to put them on. But we'll have them, but they would just be able to put on. No, Gartok would be a bad daddy if he didn't put them on. Oh, yeah. But now it seems like his kids didn't want to have anything. It feels like we don't want to monkey around with time a whole lot. Now, here's the question. You definitely do not. Have any of you seen Primer? But what are we talking about? We don't know how to time travel. We got the remote. That's right, Ron. On the remote. I'm looking at Anthony. There's a rewind button.

Okay. That's true. We could send someone back and then maybe, maybe we just have him write something else on there. And then right now where he is here, he'll have something else. Yeah. You know, like we can have him write, you know, like, first of all, we can like, maybe this seems like there's some loopholes in this thing that we should clear up. Oh yeah, we could do another pass of notes on it. But maybe we can punch it up a little bit, but then we could also like write something that he can just take them off and give

Oh, yeah, because, like, if we ask them, he can take them off. Yeah, but only us, right? Yes, only us. There's only other people to take them off, because we don't want them to take them off, but we don't want them to, you know what I mean? None of you have seen Primer. Daryl, but you've seen Primer, right? I've watched it many, many times. Daryl, this makes you... I really wanted Carol to be impressed with my understanding of it. I put a hand on Daryl's shoulder. You've been training for this your whole life, Daryl. Okay, okay.

I think I could do this. I also think it kind of fits because, you know, I've been trying to get better at, you know, talking about things right away. But like, I really need some time with this Frank stuff. So like, if we did go back, it's been a couple months. I'd have to stay alone. I'd have some extra time to think about this whole thing.

Oh, gosh, you're right, because we only have one charge. I would have some extra time. We can't bring you back. I'm just going to have to hang around. You can't show your face to anybody. You can't. Oh, yeah. Not even yourself right now. You can't. So wait a second. What we're saying is if we hit Daryl with the rewind button and we send him back in time, he can go back and like, what would you do? Tell us what to write on. We'll change what Gartok wrote on the bracelets.

And then we'll make it so that he'll give them back to us here. Yeah, we'll change the way it says. And we'll make it so that it's perfect for Willie. Okay, and then you'll, like, what? Just hang out? Just hang out? Let me worry about that. I'll figure it out. I need you. I need you to tell Grant...

Okay. He's my life. And tell Carol that I love her. And hey, man, you're going to tell them that yourself. Yeah, I know. But if you did, we send you back to the Cretaceous period. I'll tell them that. And if I don't come back and you got to get Frank out, just tell him, tell him he's got a good grandkid. And, you know, his son tried his best. Okay. Okay. I give Daryl a big hug. I said, I believe in you, man. We're going to see you soon.

Okay? We gotta do this. This is our best way to get home, man. Press the remote.

Glenn. Well, don't we have to roll for it? Just press the remote. No, you don't. Because I rolled a natural 20 on the remote, you just do it. Just press the remote. Okay, so Glenn points the remote at Daryl. I can't watch. And I press the rewind button. All right. As you press the rewind button, you feel the controller fizzle out in your hand. It burns up from the inside as the battery finally expires, its final charge expended. From the perspective of everyone except for Daryl, you see him suddenly...

And now, from Daryl's perspective, everything... Oh, actually, Anthony, one sec. Can you roll a dice for me? Can you roll a perception check? Yeah, could you roll? Yeah. All right. Perception check for whom? For you, the dungeon master. Yeah. I got a 19. Okay, so what you see is immediately as the dog leaves the door, Daryl comes right back in with a beard and a big bindle, and he goes, Hey, everybody.

It fucking worked. It worked flawlessly, Daryl? It worked flawlessly. Wow. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Do you want to check it? Yeah, Anthony, we went back in time. Do you want to check it? I mean, yeah. Did you go back to a previous episode to edit something in? I'm going to need you to put on headphones right now. Are you fucking kidding me? Can you go to episode two? Yeah, go back to episode two right now.

Right now. Go online. Go to episode two. In fact, and actually, I don't know if it worked, but I'm pretty sure it worked. There's only one way to know. Yeah. Go ahead and plug in your computer. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get a mic over here. Summer sleep kept us silent. Ads. Fucking ads. Damn. Did you go back in time before this podcast was popular when I could just fucking listen to it?

I feel like we need more practical values here. Like, there are some things that you should not buy store brand for. Toilet papers. Mac and cheese. That's true, actually. Okay. No, it's not okay, Daryl. What the? Oh, my God, there's two Daryls. I'm Daryl from the future, but don't worry about it. You're Daryl from the future? Oh, we're already dealing with time travel?

Hold on, Anthony. Are you okay with future time travel shenanigans? We're only two episodes into this podcast. Freddy, it's fine. All right. At least he's going to close his eyes and pretend this is not happening. Okay, so yes, I'm jumping in the future, but don't worry about it. Pretend I'm not here, but just listen to my words and you've got to change what the bracelet says. Just trust me, it's important for later. From the future, of course. Exactly, exactly. You guys did a good job. Bracelets are pretty good. Just a little clarification. Just say, treat your kids in the same way you'd want to be treated, but

It's always been the loophole and the golden rule here. But if you don't like yourself and you would actually treat yourself badly, that doesn't mean you can hurt your kids or hurt anybody they love, actually. Keep that in there. Oh, that's pretty good. Wow, I should have thought of that. Yeah. Also, continue on with, and you have to respect your kids' decisions, remove that within a certain boundary thing. Do not give... Oh, does that get us in trouble? Does that become like a bad thing? No. Too many questions. No, no, no.

Henry, you can't ask questions in the time frame. They're relevant to the future. And you can leave all the Dragon Age stuff. That's all good. It still applies to us dragons. Let's become adult when they're like 100 or whatever. Okay, second bracelet. These bracelets cannot be removed by anybody other than these four dads. And then you can keep all the toilet paper stuff and mac and cheese. Oh, that's great. Okay. Are you cool with that? Yeah, no. We really worked that out hard. So what do we do now? Are you on the adventure with us? I gotta run. Pretend I'm not here. Do everything as you would have done, as if this didn't happen. Just pretend this didn't happen. Goodbye, and don't follow me. And then Daryl just runs away into the woods. And then other Daryl is like...

Oh, hey guys. Is that cool? We got the bracelet? Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Holy shit! Of all the things that I thought would happen with your playing, that was not one of them. Oh my God. So new viewers are just going to be like, uh... Spoilers, I guess. Holy shit. Daryl's got the bend-only box of a guard tag. Be like, guard tag, I'll be taking those bracelets. Thank you very much.

And Gartok's like, yeah, no, I remember there was a time where I guess you were going to eventually come and get, oh, so you're the, whoa, whoa, primer. Yeah, right? Weird. Thanks. Thanks a lot. So Gartok goes, yeah, no, go ahead, take it. And he puts his arm out and allows you to remove the bracelets as only you four can do. Hey, Gartok, can I have a quick dad huddle with the dads here? We'll be right back to you. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Daryl, holy shit. Daryl. What did you do? A lot. I learned a lot. I'm the same person, but changed. Yeah.

Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. Daryl, did you get like six free months of prep turns for like this final round? You have to be kidding me!

There's a lot I want to talk about. There's a lot I want to say. But right now, we got a friend in Gartok here and I got to show you guys something. I don't know if this was a good idea. I just thought it'd be important. I had a lot of time just hiding out, making sure I never cross paths with you. It was hard. There's times where I was like, mistakes that we made that I thought maybe I could fix, but I learned about primer. I don't want to. I don't. I went back to Gartok's cave where we first met.

That's what this bindle is. It's what? I brought back the bones of the kid we killed in case we want to. What the fuck? Why? Which kid? His dragon. I always felt bad. That was the one mistake I was like, maybe we could fix. So I open up the bindle and there's a bunch of dragon bones. And Gartok's like, what you got there? Nothing, nothing, Gartok. Daryl, it's not just for you because it's been a while. But remember, we had this whole thing when we brought back Doug and we realized he didn't have a soul.

Because you can't bring them back all the way. I know. I just kind of didn't agree with your whole mom's thing about what the soul is. So your mom's never been wrong. You barely met her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

Okay. Well, yeah, we got these bracelets and these would be perfect to put on Willie. All right. Well, we're one step. Did you bring any of the other stuff that we lost? No, I was afraid. I didn't want to go anywhere. We've been dragging bones, but you didn't get like our car or anything. Okay.

Our car's in the real world, Bron. If I came back with a car, we'd just be home by now. I didn't find a way back. Yeah, you know, that'd be too easy. But, Ron, I do have a little something that might... What? What do you have? I've got a business idea. Oh, wow.

I did spend most of the time at, I felt pretty bad. In fact, actually, another good news is definitely that barmaid, or the bar, sorry, the bar owner is on our side now because I... You piece of shit! You fucking piece of shit! I spent the six months at her place because I knew we were never going to go back there. What? Ever?

And I just felt bad. So I cleaned up and I made brew and honestly, I've gotten pretty good. Not as good as my sisters and like, I've spent some time with myself. Honestly, she's a really nice person. She taught me a lot about, but my beer's getting pretty good and maybe Ron

be Ron when this is over? Anyways, that's a lot. I have a lot of time to talk about. I have a whole business plan. We'll figure this out. So we cut to the forest where your portal is and the lance and his crew are assembling a catapult and Dadkula is like sheltering himself from the sun. Boreanaz and some of his goons walk by the lady from the inn. What's her name, by the way? I feel bad. I don't remember what her name is. I literally don't think she's

she had a name. I don't think, I don't know if she had a name and she's just doing fucking bench presses of just two big barrels of ale on either side of a pole and they're like, and Boron's like, hey, you ready to kill that piece of shit Daryl for screwing you out of all that beer? And she goes, oh, absolutely. There's nothing I hate more than somebody welching on a deal. I am definitely going to kill Daryl Wilson and then they leave and she turns the camera and she winks. Cut back to you. Daryl, what's her name? What was her name, Daryl? We never

You never got her name. Her name is Sweet Matilda. Ah. That name was sent to us by Cassidy. Thank you, Cassidy. Sweet Matilda is her name. Matilda or Sweet Matilda is called her sweetie sometimes. I thought it was weird at first. Like, I should call you sweet. That's actually her name. Not to, you know, I mean, how close did you and Sweet Matilda get? So look, Matilda. Ha ha ha.

Here's the real deal. Cut back to sweet Matilda. She takes a picture out of her coat. It's of her and Daryl together on a moonlit night that may or may not be sexual, depending on what Daryl says next. But she looks at it with a great deal of love in her heart, and a single tear rolls down her cheek, and she puts it back into her coat. Look, she's gone through a lot, and we definitely helped each other out. Look, look, the point is... The point is... The look that is definitely the look Henry and Ron just gave each other. Like...

The point is, not only is she on our side, and I didn't even think she was going to do this. I thought she was just going to join us and join the army. But she actually infiltrated as a spy in their castle. Or in their whatever it's called. I just call it a castle. The stronghold, I guess. The stronghold. That's really, really wonderful. Wow, Daryl, you were so productive. I'm so proud of you, man. Big day for you, Daryl. It was more than a day. You know, man, I think you needed this. I did. Let's get back to camp. All right. Okay. I don't know what to do next.

That's awesome. That's great. That's fantastic. This is exactly the kind of shit I was hoping would happen, but I never would have predicted that. Okay. Hey, you should still be good to your kids, man. I mean, I guess they're on their own now, but you know. Yeah, I mean, honestly, if you'd taken these away a while ago, I would have been like, ha-ha, time to go re-enslave my kids. But I'm just...

I'm just tired. I got rent due next week, and this Chonkies isn't going to run itself. Oh, hold on. I got you. I go back outside of the Chonkies, and I start shouting. I'm like, actually, this is really good. No poop here. I don't make a commission. It's not going to help me if more people come to the Chonkies. You're just going to stress them out more. Now I need to be busy. I was just going to have a couple minutes alone to myself. This is a very busy Chonkies. Would you want a better job?

Yeah. I would love a better job. You want to become part of a fast growing competitive industry with a lot of room for upward mobility. What are the benefits like? Benefits are money. Money. You got it. What do you, what do you want me to do? Well,

figure that out. Glenn here is going to write up a job description, but let's get us back to camp. It's a really cool company. We're putting together a team. Yeah. All right. Well, you know where to find me. Come with us now. I'm coming with you. You know what? Fuck this job. He throws his hat down and steps on it and then follows you back to camp. Then the manager, Dale Chonky, comes out. He's like, hey, what are you doing? Captain Crunchies cannot stand this kind of treatment. Hey, Dale Chonky, do you own this place? Yes.

Oh, this happens to be the day that I visit this particular branch. This is the flagship chunk. You want a big, you want like a catering? Daryl, slow down, man. We got to win. I have a lot of time to plan about this. I just say we need food, don't we? And you have terrible food, right? And Glenn, you said we need terrible food for this fire festival. That's true. We need cheese. Can you do a cheese sandwich? I need you to put...

A thousand cheese sandwiches into some styrofoam. Can you do that? That'll be 500 coins. If that's what, if you want me to cater. We have 500 pennies. You only have gold and you know it. You have never had to buy anything for a penny. What if I told you you could cater the most expensive?

Exclusive, influencer-driven social media event of the... What if I told you it didn't actually have to be a sandwich, just a couple of pieces of bread and then a cheese? Exactly, Ron. You have full license to cut as many corners as you need. Oh, this appeals to Captain Crunchies. Yeah. We're actually trying to make a... 18 plus 14, 32. So yeah, with a 32, he goes...

You've got a deal. 500 coppers it is. So you have 0.5 less gold than you did previously. This is incredibly productive. You know what we just did was FOMO. Feel Out Meal Opportunities. Holy shit. You gotta run. God damn it.

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See store for details. So you return back to your beach camp with Gartok in tow. The world is your oyster in terms of more climb actions you can take. That only took two hours. That's pretty incredible. It only took two hours. It was a really quick, fast... Doug's good! Tell us, what's Daryl look like after six months? So Daryl...

I just pulled six months out of my ass. Please tell me. Someone who's been keeping track of the continuity's head is probably exploding every time I say that. To the six months. Everybody who keeps track of the continuity's head is exploding literally every single day. Daryl looks pretty happy. He's got nice clean. He looks like he just worked at a bar for a while.

And he's a little plump around the edges. He's been having some good drinks and having some good food. Daryl's been working at a bar. Does Daryl have like a cool sleeve tat now? Did Daryl get like a, like an, I'll say that you don't see any tattoos. There's no tattoo you see.

Thank you, Wilford. Sweetie pulls out another picture. That's her tattooing him. Yeah, that's her tattooing him in a very specific place. She's tattooing the Kate Winslet Heart of the Ocean picture while it's Daryl on Daryl's back. Hey, Henry, how come Glenn got to, like, do a metamorphosis in prison and Daryl got to do a metamorphosis in, like, time travel? When are we going to change? When are we going to change?

You know what, Ron? We don't need to change, man. We're the two dads that we've already got it figured out. That's what I think. They needed some time to get on. Henry, you got it. Glenn, come here. I just want to give all three of you, all three of you, I had a lot of time to think. I just want to say, you guys already changed, man. You guys, the one thing I realized, the one thing that really stuck with me is I had a great dad.

And, you know, I'm still trying and struggling. You guys had it so much harder than me. And I'm just so proud of what the sort of dads you became. You know, it took me a while. I just want to really, you know, you guys are great dads. All three of you. That's all. You don't need to change anymore. I mean, we all do. But, like, you've done a lot. My kids are pretty out of control. I probably need to work on that a little bit more. You'll get it, Henry. You got this. I need to kill my dad.

dad no honestly guys some part of me regrets that i feel like glenn could have used the six months but then i was like you know he already had like 20 years oh well no but that was before i'm sorry glenn yeah yeah it's all good i will quench my thirst with the blood of my father squeak squeak so here's the thing i think i should go talk to payton yeah man just like yeah i assume you've had some time to think on what you want to do about that we gotta break it i mean that's the thing it's like it's pretty inside i put it on the wall and no matter how many you know i

after he's already talking about Peyton like it no no I definitely he's not an it he's like he's like another I mean not quite a son but like he's like another son of ours like he's he's like he's like our son that's what's different we have we all have our kids and then Peyton's like yeah it's like you know we have like step sons and then it's like with Peyton's like

We made a baby. Yeah, we did. No, we did. You bought a zoo. You made a baby. You bought a zoo. How are you? I feel like I got to ask you. It's like, I'm not the only parent here with Peyton. Like, how do you guys like, are you okay with? The way I see it, man, every kid's got to grow up sometime. And we just know who Peyton's going to grow up into. He's going to grow up into your dad.

Right? Like that's... Man, when you put it like that, it's like, yeah, Peyton's going to grow up into like the best dude ever. But, you know, I think it's important that Peyton be in charge of that. You know, like I think you've got to talk to Peyton about it. And, you know, you've got to like, I don't know. I'm going to dodge this landmine. No, that's good. No, you're right. I mean, look, at the end of the day, like no matter how many times I wrote out on the wall, it's like, you got to break this. Like we got to break it or none of us are going home. It's like we got to break this anchor. So, all right. Yeah. I think ultimately, you know, even though...

you know, your dad had already kind of died and now it's like you're kind of getting rid of Hayden and stuff like that. It's just like at the end of the day, you know, you have two people that are like sharing the same body that both really love you like so much, you know, more than maybe one dad could. You've got both of them. So very true, Ron.

Okay. Thank you. What's Grant doing right now? Really quick. So all the kids are surrounding Peyton, who is chugging from the supper bowl, like a big, a big old supper bowl full of orange juice. And they're going drink, drink, drink. And he's like, and he like totally successfully chugs it and holds it up over his head. Grant's like, yeah, Peyton's really good at drinking orange juice. Yay. He sees you looking.

Older and more haggard and with a beard. And he goes, what? What happened? Did you did it? Did somebody cast a beard spell on you? What's going on? Hey, Grant. Hey, so, yeah, you know how we just went out to go get some food. We got a lot of food. Poor kid. We talked to Gartok. Look, I'm just gonna give you straight. I travel back in time.

He immediately just lays down on the ground face down. That's how I felt. Don't worry, Grant. You're still 12. You're still 12. Yeah, nothing else has changed. Well, now I'm wondering if I'm not. What do you mean? You traveled in what? Yeah, I traveled back in time just like a couple months. Like I still was in here in order to get some stuff to fight off Willy and everything. And it just gave me a little time to think. We got to figure out this whole...

paid and frank thing so i'm gonna have a talk with payden right now i just want to just want to see how you're doing just give you a hug can i give you a hug so he pushes himself up from the sand and dusts himself off it goes yeah hug hug i'm really proud of you but as he's hugging you it clicks what you were saying about payden because oh my gosh payden yeah no i i mean if there's any i don't know what i could do but if there's anything you need i was gonna say maybe pay needs a friend after this but like it's not gonna be paid and it's probably gonna be like my my dad your grandpa which like you never met so like it'd be pretty pretty exciting

Yeah. But all right. Maybe we'll talk about it later. You know, the only, only, only hard part about, yeah. Well, yeah, we will. We're, I mean, he's going to be here. We'll, we'll, we'll all talk about it. And yeah, kid, you know, the only hard part about the time travel thing was just, you know, for six months, I just missed missing you. So I'm just like, I know I just left, but it's nice seeing you right now. He said he had a great time sending bar though. So he was also okay. Yeah. By myself. Yeah.

And then all the kids and stuff saying chug, chug, chug. They say hug, hug, hug. I love that. The kids are going to hug, hug, hug. He goes, guys. And they're like, hug, hug, hug. Hug time. And they're like, he loves his dad. He hugs his dad real good. And everybody's very happy for him and they applaud. All right, Payton.

You want to bring that bowl over here? Oh, do you want to see me chug too? It's no big deal. I can go for as long as we need to. Let's see that. Yeah, yeah. Let's see that chug. Orange juice in, orange juice out. Easy peasy. Somebody orange me. And one of the hot trees just goes and hurls an orange toward him. And he grabs it in his hand and goes and squeezes it as hard as he can, which is not very hard. And like a couple of drops go into the bowl. And he like slurps the like three drops. He goes like.

And he throws the pretty much entirely unjuiced orange away. He goes, ah, delicious. Vitamin C makes me stronger. It keeps my bones nice and tight. What do you want? What's going on? Your bones are so tight. Oh, do you want me to teach you some knife fighting for the coming combat? Because I can teach you a few things. Also, nice beer. Damn. Yeah, thanks. Screw that. It will. Hell yeah. Yeah. I time traveled. I've been. When am I going to? Oh, you took. You.

Yeah, time travel. I've been gone for like six months. I was going to ask when I get to grow a beard at will, but no, time traveling, that sounds dope as heck. You won't believe what happens next. And then Ron starts crying. So Payne, you remember what Aaron told us and the whole, you know what you are, right? Yeah. Your dad's Saul, but super cool, unkillable, everyone's favorite, a legend.

She said one of those. Yeah. That's all true other than unkillable. I mean, we're all going to die someday. This is you, my man. Yes, your daddy's memories are in here, and he shakes the Super Bowl around. Yeah. And it rattles a little bit in his hands. He's like, I'm dropping it. No, I'm not dropping it. Look, you know the situation. These anchors are keeping us here. And I would say that we got to break them. But at the end of the day, this is...

Look, obviously, I don't understand this whole world and I don't quite know what's going to happen. And honestly, I'm a little, you know, I'm not worried. There's a lot of feelings I have about seeing my dad right now. But I mean, at the end of the day, it's still you. Like, I don't quite understand the whole how this world works in the souls, but like it's you are still you to me. So I can't tell you to break this thing. I just know that we're getting to that time and.

Now is better than ever. So it's I just want to know how you're feeling about it. And if you want to talk about it, Peyton has the supper bowl held aloft over his head and he brings it down to a normal height and he goes, what does Peyton think about it? To be honest, my man, I haven't done a lot of thinking about it. I just this is a thing that I've made up that I say that it's entirely my idea.

It's that I lived my life a quarter mile a day. Are you sure you don't want Frank and you? Because I loved road movies. That's one way to describe the best and the furthest movies. A road movie. That road series. Those road movies. Those nine films about friends on the road. He goes, when I think about the future...

I don't have much to think about because when I was in the UFC before you all met me, I didn't think I had a future. I assumed that my life would just be waking up, getting the piss beaten out of me, convincing myself I didn't get the piss beaten out of me, and getting up to do it all over again. So it's, I don't know, I kind of have this feeling that like every day since I met all of you has been like,

a gift. And if you keep getting gifts, at some point, you're going to have to like return some of the gifts because it's like too many gifts for your house. So you got to like get the gift receipt. I don't know metaphors. I'm just a fighter and the handsomest man you've ever met. But all I can say is if it's going to make you and your son safer, and if it's something that you think is the right thing to do, I know that

that I have the strongest personality of anyone anyone has ever met, including you. And the memories of your dad sound pretty dope, but I'm pretty sure if it comes down to a fight, my memories can beat up your dad's memories. So I'm willing to psychically dominate your father. Daryl nods proud. Daryl puts his hand on Payne's shoulder. He's like, you know what? Henry just told me, maybe it was Ron. I forget. Henry or Ron, one of those guys told me that

you know, every kid's got to grow up. And the only difference with you is that it was me. Oh, it was Henry. I'm going to go now. Yeah. Is that, um, I said some other stuff though. You said good stuff too. You all said y'all again, you guys are great. So me, but that's all right. Yeah. No, family is everything. Hashtag family. Hashtag family that, you know, the only difference with you is that we know the sort of, or at least I know the sort of, uh, man you're going to grow up into. And it's, it's a great one, but I also just want to say, I never knew my dad when he was a kid and,

I can't imagine a better kid than he could have been than you. So I think you want to do this. You want, I was going to say you want to do it together, but know what? You're the tiger. You want to chuck that thing. You want to chuck that thing against a tree. You want to just smash it. How you want to do it. I'll do it my own way. But before I do, if these are going to be the last words I say to you is just me as just Peyton Bennett's that I want to say another thing that I made up entirely on my own.

It's all about family. And he smashes the supper bowl over his knee. Wait, I want you to roll until he does because he's a weirdo. Yes! Okay, so he brings the supper bowl down on his knee. And for the first time ever, for the first time ever, he gets a natural 20. What?

Anthony just showed us the screen. Holy shit. Oh my God. For the first time and last time in his life, he gets a natural fucking 20 and cleanly shatters the supper bowl over his knee. And you see this beautiful pinkish purplish mist escape from the center of the supper bowl as they shatter and fall to the ground. And you see this mist swirl about in the air in front of Peyton and it shatters

shoots up into his nose and through his eye sockets. And Peyton goes, and he arches his back in what seems to be maybe pain or maybe confusion. He doubles over and falls to all fours.

And then he slowly stands up. But as you see him stand up, it's with a posture you've never seen him have before. His back is straighter. His chest is out further. And he carries himself with a different air. And he looks up at you with eyes that are kind of much like your own have been given the time travel recently. Eyes that are indescribably and bizarrely older and wiser. He stares into your eyes. Dad, it's Daryl.

Tara Wilson, your son. And I put my hand out. And he pulls you into a hug and he goes, my boy, my baby boy. And he hugs you very tightly. Tara hugs back and just starts weeping.

♪ It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright ♪ ♪ It'll be alright, cause that's just life ♪ ♪ All you do is try, it'll be alright ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler and myself. Freddie Wong is Glenn Close. Our theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Raff is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Derek Rochelle and Cassidy for providing names we used in this episode. You know who else I should give special thanks to? Some of our fine Patreon supporters.

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is one where we play kids on bikes, which is a system where you play kids on bikes. Very, you know, Stranger Things-y kind of. We don't take it in that direction, don't you worry. We also got our next stretch goal coming up with sort of what if Marvel style where we explore the Entourage Hell universe. Anthony prepared for Glenn's trial just in case.

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I'm so bummed you left the mac and cheese thing. I was going to say, with a second that Daryl went back in time, suddenly you're in a mansion because he's been buying only store brand mac and cheese.