Ep 68, Pt. 2 - Hi "Going Home," I'm Dad!
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Welcome to the conclusion of season one of Dungeons and Daddies, a story about four dumbfuck dads who fell into the Forgotten Realms on a quest that they kind of failed to rescue most, if not all of their... Like, a lot of stuff happened. You mean piece of shit. This is why I do the intros. I'm not mean. And the main thing that you need to know is that when we last left our heroes, they were so...

tantalizingly close to the portal that will take them back home to their families. But unfortunately, before they could do so, Willie Stampler activated a nuclear device that in three turns will completely obliterate everyone and everything in the area, including their kids, their van, and all the NPCs you've come to know and love. That is unfortunate. And now the conclusion of Dungeons and Daddies Odyssey 3.

Parentheses, season one. Brackets. There will be other seasons. Don't stop listening after that. Subscribe to us on Patreon. Just send us money on OnlyFans. Like, keep listening to the show, but, like, the conclusion of this part.

It is Radiolab's turn. He is going to fly away from Walter, who's going to get an attack of opportunity. And, ooh, he crits. Yeah, baby. A critty boy, a critty, critty boy. So he's going to do 4d6, 1, 2, 3, 4. And Radiolab is now down to 99 HP. Radiolab down to 99% of his HP. Oh, no. Okay.

So it's going to fly towards Glenn because he sees this demonic presence that is Glenn. And the dragon is going to like to see you cry. All right. So he's got a roll of D60. If he recharges his fire breath, he does not recharge his fire breath. So he's going to hit you with his fucking claws and his bite. So he's got three attacks against you, Glenn. One, two, three. He hits you with all three. So that's going to be 56 damage to you, Glenn, as he claws into you and hits you with his fucking tail. Okay.

Autumn's turn. She is going to try to cast Cure Wounds on Glenn. She could also, by the way, cast Earthbind on the dragon to pay it to the ground. That's even better. You want her to do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bind it down. Her fingers go into the ground and then just ahead of them, a bunch of tendrils of earth spring up like dirt tentacles, basically, and they lash themselves around the dragon. And so how does that spell work? It's a strength saving throw. Okay.

Nine plus nothing. So yeah, it fails and it is once again grounded. Daryl's turn. Okay, so we essentially have three rounds before this nuke blows up. Just to clarify, that means we all have three turns before the nuke blows up, not at the top of the third turn it blows up. So what I did is I actually gave the nuke an initiative. So basically the nuke will get its turn the third time

including this next one that the nukes turn comes around it will explode okay my first action I'm gonna do a cool spinny move to try to get the Lance off the hood animal handling so 17 plus 6 nice so 23 you

You do a cool fucking juke with the van. The lance tries to hold on and he rolls a natural one for his dexterity saving throw. Oh, God. I think he falls off the front. He went under the wheels. Yeah. He went under the wheels. I had a baby brother. See, you run over the lance and it fucking hurts and he's not getting up anytime soon. He's not dead. He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 3. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Oh, no. You found it. My favorite reference a human being could possibly make. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Okay, that's great. Okay, so he's out of it, but he's not dead. He's just real fucked up. Okay, so then I'm driving off the ramp for my second attack.

Because I get two attacks as I'm like driving past the walls with Elizabeth Warden. I'm going to throw my second to last grenade up into the walls. OK, cool. And drop it down. If fucking Valkyrie taught us anything, it's that not having windows increases the strength. I'm not going to risk winding up. The one guy who watched Valkyrie. I think Valkyrie was OK. It was OK. It was one of the more OK movies I've seen. Daryl's testicle still hurting immensely from the previous wind up is just going to play too much information. OK, throw it.

So no advantage on it. But that's okay. Still 23 damage. Okay. Cool. So 23 damage. What sort of sounds do we hear? You hear, what is that? Now wait a second. Now hold on. Hold on. Let me think about this. Oh, God. Oh, no. Through an explosion. Oh, God. And you see an antler. Oh, God.

And she goes, that was my favorite antler. Oh, no. I'm not dead, but I'm in a lot of pain. What about the other people? Still alive. Okay, but they're very hurt. Now, that does mean that all the walls take 23 hit points of damage as well. So how much HP does the walls have? Can you not? I'm trying to make it fair, baby.

baby that's all but you didn't tell me I was going to do damage to the wall well of course you would it was like Will just tricked me into trying to smash these walls so each panel has AC 15 and 30 hit points per inch of thickness the walls are sorry the walls are six inches thick

And so that means they have 180 hit points. Okay. So relax. So they're at 155. Yeah. So Anthony, just another piece of math for you to keep tracking. Yeah. No problem. Love to do it. Since I have a lot of movement in the car. Yes. I'm essentially going to drive towards the portal as if

I am the kids trying to break into it. In order to do that, you're going to have to drive over six bounty hunters and Willie. He's in the center ring. That's fine. Going through the bounty hunters. I'll drive through the bounty hunters. Okay. I'm going to slam on the brakes and like skid out right in front of Willie. Okay. You're trying to like deceive that. Like, yeah. Yeah. Like I'm scared. Like I don't want to run over Willie. I'm a kid. I'm scared.

So if you're just going to go ahead and gun it through these bounty hunters, one, two, three, four, five, six. I mean, that's cool that you're letting me hit the bounty hunters too. I was thinking the ramp was like making me jump over their heads. I'm like, woo, looks like Darrell Wilson is going to be a bit of trouble. And then throw a grenade while I do that. I literally can't hear the image of a car jumping without saying, looks like something's going to happen.

trouble yeah one of them expertly dodges out of the way two of them are immediately knocked to the side and at the very minimum knocked unconscious because i assume this car is going you know what at least 35 miles an hour i mean it's probably like 50 miles per hour okay yeah then they're fucked so that's two that are just out of the game for good and then another one so yeah basically there's one guy left and he's like okay he's like no

No, he does the same thing as his friends. He goes, I'm out. I'm out. No more bounty hunters. Nope. Bye. Bye. Okay. I stopped near Willie and I panic. I'm like, I'm locking my doors. Like I accidentally opened up like the side doors, like the side doors are opening. The truck is like, oh, car alarm goes off. Car alarm goes off. Hazard's coming on and off. And I'm just panicking. I'm pretending like I'm kids panicked. Okay. Awesome. So I feel like that's a deception roll.

with advantage because you've done a lot of very good prep. Okay, so I'm going to definitely use the bardic inspiration. Henry gave you guidance too before this, so you can have another 1d4 at your disposal as well. Okay, so I got 13. What's my deception? Minus one, so actually it's 12. So I'll do a d12. It's a seven, so that's a 17. I'm going to do the d4 just to be safe too.

That's a four. So 24. Good. Because the check was 20. Oh, I figured we'd be close. It was going to be a lot. Yep. I burned everything. So you see Willie look at this van of terrified children and he turns and looks at the portal. He turns back. He was like, oh, you were so close.

You were so close. Oh, and he just gets into the passenger seat with you. And he goes, hey, kids. I have some bad news for you, Anthony. Anthony. So when I broke my anchor, I got the daddy magic thing. And I chose a spell. And I wrote the spell down.

on a card and I put it next to you. Okay. Could you go ahead and open it and read it? I'm reaching and I've gotten the card that Beth gave me at the beginning of tonight. This is the daddy magic card. This is the daddy magic card that Ron selected. This is the spell that Ron has cast. On the van. On the van. On the van.

I cast Demiplane on the fake Odyssey. Demiplane? So when Willie entered, I didn't even hear the words he said. The moment he slid into the passenger side door, he entered a Demiplane because we made the doors...

portals to a demiplane. After you got in? Yeah, as long as you didn't open my door, it didn't matter. Okay, you create a shadowy door on a flat, solid surface. Okay, that you can see within range. The door is large enough to allow willy-sized creatures to pass through unhindered. When opened, the door leads to a demiplane that appears to be an empty room 30 feet in each dimension.

So I think he gets a roll when he opens the door if he like looks inside or if he's looking at the kids like still gloating. That's fair. That's fair. When the spell ends, the door disappears and any creatures or objects inside the Demi plane remain trapped there as the door also disappears from the other side. Oh. Oh.

Is Aimee near enough also to push him in if he notices it? We're going to have to see. Oh, because he's not next on initiative, though. No, he is dead last in initiative. So we need to definitely do that. We can push him in or something. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to have Willie do a wisdom saving throw, which means he gets a plus one to whatever I roll.

13 plus 1 is 14. That's not a 15, so he doesn't make it. But he has one final legendary resistance for the entire campaign. Okay. And he feels something's... Something ain't right here. It's 5 cents. Something's not fucking right here. This was too easy. And he literally, as his foot is beginning to move into the car, he stops and he looks away from the confused kids who are going, Fortnite! He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, Fortnite, whatever. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

And he turns and he looks and he sees it inside the car. It's not a car. It's like a small room made out of stone. That is basically what a car is. It is small. Yeah, but he's like from Earth. He knows what cars are supposed to be. Is this what cars look like in 2020? Thank God I died. And he goes like, wait a minute. No, no, no. And he steps back.

And I guess on his turn, he can like properly make a check and see if he can figure out what's going on. But definitely in this moment, he is next to a fucking open door. So that was Daryl's turn. So now we're going to 10. So that's Peyton. Peyton is going to start stomping around and beating up elephants. Really? It's nice that he got to live out his dream even in his afterlife. Oh, you know, no, this is way better. Peyton's looking around and he sees elephants or whatever. And then he sees a big, shiny metal crab.

Oh, no. Walter, no. And he's going to approach that. And he's going to raise up his arms. And he attacks twice. And the first attack hits. And the second attack crits. And he is going to do 5d12 damage. No. So he does 102 damage. So he brings his zombie hands down on the crab.

and fucking crumbles the carapace of the crab and does 102 damage. It is definitely bloodied. It's only got 57 health points left when it started with like 200-something. And he's going, and Walter's like, no, it's me. It's just

sort of father. I was your father for like two weeks. It's not paid in. It's paid. Come on. Come on, man. It's like that scene in Das Boot when like all the like bolts are pinging out. Yes, exactly. And just like that, turns out Walter was also a Nazi the whole time. A sympathetic one. A sympathetic one. So it was Bill Close's turn. What do you want Bill Close to do, Glenn? You tell me, Freddie, but I was thinking he could use power word kill on that dragon now that the dragon's below 100.

It's a 99. It has to be 100 or lower and it's 99. I think he's going to walk over and PWK that D-R-A-G-O-N. Okay. It's earthbound and struggling against its restraints and Bill starts walking up to it and sort of glances over at Bill and starts to thrash harder angry at his betrayal and Bill just points at the dragon with a finger gun and he just goes...

That was Glenn and my favorite show to watch together. And power word kill. And it goes...

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Like Mega Man when he fucking dies. The little circles go out. And Radiolab the dragon is done for. All right. Forever. Okay. I don't really feel bad for him. Good turn for Bill Close. Now it is the nuke's turn. So the nuke has two turns left before it goes down. It beeps ominously. Beeps ominously. Two rounds remain. Commercial break. Six seconds, right? So it's like...

He has 12 seconds. He had a timer of 12 seconds on this shit. What a rowdy dude. What was that? It could kill him. What is he trying to do? He's a bitter, bitter man. And now it is Henry's turn. Okay. So Henry thundering on the elephant looks down at Ron and says, Ron, I think we got to do a change of plan. Give me the item. You take care of your dad. I'll take care of mine. Sounds good. Here you go.

You can probably say it. You can say it. Ron, give me the bracelet. Here you go. You guys doing something with the bracelets? Yes. No, I know. Okay. So Henry turns the elephant towards Barry, takes the bracelet from Ron.

and puts it behind him like in his back, like in diehard. So he's got the bracelet behind him where we can't see it. Okay. Bracelets. Yeah. He's got them like in his back pocket, essentially. Okay. And can you remind me once again, what the bracelets say exactly? They say, treat your kids in the same way that you would want to be treated. The golden rule. Uh,

But if you don't like yourself and you would actually treat yourself badly, that doesn't mean you can hurt your kids or anybody that they love. Because that was always like a loophole. Got them. Yeah. And then also you have to respect your kids' decisions. And these bracelets can only be removed by us, the four dads. They cannot be removed by anybody. Except these four dads, which are us. So how far am I from Barry? I'd say you can get right next to him in this turn if you want to. I am going to respond.

Ride towards him then. Okay. I direct the elephant to use its gore move, which knocks somebody prone. Okay.

Okay. Because, yes, this would be a trampling charge because I'm charging 20 feet straight at egg. For sure. Okay, if the elephant moves at least 20 feet straight forward towards a creature, then hits it with a gore attack on the same turn, the target must succeed on a DC 12 strength saving throw or be knocked prone. Strength is not this boy's strong suit. Okay, so first we'll do the gore attack. Okay. So this is a plus eight to hit. Let me roll a D20. I got a seven. I'm going to burn my inspiration on this. Yeah, you should, because that's not a good roll. Okay.

I got a two. Okay, I'm gonna use my bardic. Fucking hell. A seven plus the eight to hit.

15. He's a 15 plus five. 20. Is 20. Okay. So you hit him with the gore. Okay. So that's 3d8 plus six piercing damage. You go ahead and roll for that. 23 damage. Okay. DC 12 strength save. Okay. He unfortunately got the 17. Damn it. Sorry. You knock him back and you interrupt his concentration on his spell. And for the first time, he sort of realizes that you're here. He goes, oh, Hen, you're here. Shit. I should have snuck up on him. God damn.

I say, hey, dad. He goes, Hen, I'm so happy that you can be here to finally learn your final lesson. Me too, but for you. Nice. Good one. Good one. Well done. Well done. Now it is Ron. I'm hidden. I'm under the elephant, right? Still. I mean, even if you want to roll off like you're hidden to Willie because he hasn't seen you. So I am going to cast.

Cast the fishing rod, not the spear part. I wish there was more clear language. No, I know what you're saying. You're going to cast it. I'm just going to use the perfect cast to try to catch my father. Okay, like around his cloak or his neck or what are you trying to just try to hook him anywhere? Hook him anywhere, but ideally the neck, the front of the neck. Okay. Yeah, I step up to the car and I cast over the car.

To hit Willy. I think it's going to be an attack roll with disadvantage because it's tight. Disadvantage, but I was hidden. Okay, great. Then it bounces out. So just a normal attack then. 17. Roll that D12. Yeah, because the last check was like a 20. Roll that bard against Bo. 12. Holy shit. Holy.

The difficulty of the check was 25. 29. Fucking hell. All right. You beat the check of 25. You latch onto Willie successfully. The hook embeds itself in the flesh of his... Adam's apple. Of his Adam's apple. Oh, God. So the hook goes into his Adam's apple, and everyone who can see his eyes just sees confusion and rage. And even as this hook disappears,

digs itself deeper into his trachea. He can't help but try to use his greatest weapon of just spitting vitriol at everyone he considers his inferior. So he's like, Anthony's taking a big old sip of water. Uh-oh. You fucking bitch. Oh my God. What the fuck is killing you? Where the fuck is the rod? Where the fuck is it going to hide it? Oh God. He's now hooked by your fishing rod. Okay.

That'll be a strength check to restrain him because he's not going to be able, you're not going to be able to physically pull him inside the portal. Yeah. But it'll at least be a strength check to make sure that he cannot move. Yeah. I'm just going to hand it to Daryl. I roll down the window and you hand me the rod. Hold on to this, will you? Probably the big one. Yeah. Got a real big one. Make our real son of a bitch. So Willie's going to make a contested strength check against you. Okay, so yes.

So my first one was bad. I have advantage on strength checks as a barbarian and obviously enraged now as I see Willie's face. My first one was a three. So I'm trying to think. I got plus nine on my strength checks. Okay. So I believe on my second roll, a nine plus a 20 is a 29 because I rolled a 20. A natural 20. That's on my strength check. Okay. Nice.

So you pull on him so fucking hard that his feet just leave the ground. And he is just pinned up against the top, like just above the door of the Honda Odyssey. And he's just pulling on his Adam's apple. You don't know exactly how the biology of an Adam's apple works, but you could swear that shit is getting pulled the fuck out of his body. He's a bad guy. It's fine. I'm going to also use my bonus action to hide under the car. Great. Perfect. Perfect.

And wait, I have elegant maneuver, which gives me advantage on the next acrobatics or athletics check I make during my next turn. I wish we could all self-actualize as strongly as you just did. The confidence you had as you said that. Some hard D&D moves. I will live the rest of my life chasing and never quite achieving. The hard D&D moves. Yeah. Do you have to make a roll to hide? No.

No, I think that's just a bonus action I get. Cool. Fucking awesome. Don't look that up, Will. You're definitely at least hidden from Willie. Ain't no way. He actually doesn't even know. No, he has no. He was literally looking at the empty room and that was neck hurts a lot. OK, now the trees are going to go. They're just going to keep maintaining their ramp position because you didn't tell them to stop. And they know that there's another van involved.

It's Jody's turn. Get his ass, Jody. Okay, Dadkula is just chilling, right? He's still there and very beefy. Yes, he's still there. I don't believe he's taken much, if any, damage. He is coughing, though. Aha! Okay, I'm going to attack him then. What do I roll? A dice. That's d20, idiot. Yeah. You know, I haven't played much, so I don't actually know what's happening right now. You guys all heard that I did that joke before Freddy, right? Yes. Okay.

Okay, I'm going to roll with you, Tony. Edit it so that you say it first. No, with the power of editing, Beth. Beth will sound really, really petty. Just use the fucking individual audio clips to have her go like, Freddy, what's a dice? Freddy, it's fine. Yeah, I guess if you just want to attack him, because you've got your whip and you've probably got like some horns or some bullshit, whatever your demons abilities are. You made me. What?

What the heck? If I were you, I would use my whip. Okay, I'm going to whip him because I don't want to get bitten by his teeth. As is always the case with Dracula's, very good idea to use the whip. Gets a good distance, throw some holy water. 18 to hit. Okay, that'll hit him. You actually have multi-attacks. You can also, now that he's whipped, you can hit him with your sword. Now that he's whipped, you can pretty much walk all over him. Damn right, baby.

Okay, so I'm going to whip him, and I'm going to use my sword. Okay. I got a 17 to hit on the sword. Hey! Also hit. So go ahead and roll damage for both of them. Huge plus. If you want to say anything cool as Jody, now would be the time to do that. Okay.

Uh, no, I'm just going to. No? I'm so glad we got you. I'm so glad you're on this podcast. Jimmy really supports fear of the mind. You can imagine a cool thing. Guys, leave Jimmy alone. It's hard to come up with, like, cool things to say on the spot. Imagine you, the listener at home, doing something to someone that you want to do something to and saying the thing you want to say in this moment. Imagine, like, five incredibly hot people be like,

funny and then you just have to do it this is my gift yeah that's something we can all I need a script okay I thought that was clear anyway okay it's not like you're on Mulan James people are actually gonna listen to this damn yeah I'm dude I'm gonna go home okay I'm gonna do 52 damage okay he's down to only 300 HP what the fuck was

why am I even here? I, yeah, me. It is now sweet Matilda's turn. You hear her like grunt as she attacks somebody. Like no more screaming in pain. No, no more screaming in pain. If anything, it's like a badass scream of I'm in pain, but I'm still fighting. You hear the death knell of a guard. Ooh. And then she starts to, I mean, you can't see this. She starts to fiddle with the oven. They're really loud. Clicky buttons. You hear the sound of there being three differently colored wires that she's stressing over.

All right, Dad Killer's going to take his turn. He's going to turn to Jody, and he is going to miss. I hate Dungeons & Dragons combat. Now it is the Lance's turn, and he's broken, he's bloodied, and his four guys are just going, what do we do? What do we do, Dad? What do we do? And he is going to roll to see if he still has any morale left. He gets a natural one. What a coward. And he goes, become...

Farmers. And they fucking run with his natural one. So the Lance and his dudes are out of this for good. And they run. They're like, we are farmers. Now the Oakvallians go. They are going to, I guess what do you want them to do? Oh, I don't know. Maybe help Henry fight Barry the fucking whole reason they're here. Oh yeah. Good idea. Okay. Actually Canary was beginning to run and then she saw, uh,

Henry sort of seemingly alone on an elephant riding up to Barry and she thinks about all the bullshit that Barry pulled on them over the years and how she thought it was love and how it wasn't and she turns to the Oakvallians and she points at Barry and all she says is now's our chance and they fucking book it and they all run straight towards Barry and they all are just gonna try to fucking thorn whip him level 4 against level 20 this isn't gonna go well

And so, yeah, they wail on him as best as they can. And they get a good 20 points of damage out of him, which is nothing to sneeze at. He's down to 80. And they're screaming at him. They're going, fuck you, Barry. Fuck you. And he's going, oh, we're learning a lot about getting our anger out. Ow, ow, ow, ow, fuck, ow. Now we're down to Glenn. I'm going to come around the corner, slow-mo.

Sweet emotion by Aerosmith starts playing. Yeah, and I'm walking slow and fucking cool as hell. My hair's on fire and shit. My eyes are on fire. Stuff coming around real slow. Big old buff left arm. And I come into view and you see my reflection flaming in Willy's eyes. And I'm going to cast Dissonant Whispers. Okay? I don't remember what this does. I whisper a discordant melody that only one creature of my choice can wrench in here, wracking him with terrible pain. Gotta do a Wisdom saving throw. That's a Wisdom 18. Okay.

He is decently wise. Let's see this. He fails. On a failed throw, 3d6 psychic damage. Okay. And must immediately use its reaction, if available, to move as far as its speed allows away from me. Oh! Oh!

The creature doesn't move into obviously dangerous ground such as fire, so it's like, you know. It's not obviously, I mean. It's just an open room. It's a boring open room. Okay, so he takes six damage and he realizes that what he's looking at, this demonic form, is Glenn, is the guy that he killed. What he thought was his greatest moment of triumph over you idiot daddies has come back to bite him, I guess on the neck, in the worst way. And he can't control himself. He runs from you in terror. He...

I let go of the... You just know you give him a little slack on the reel. Yeah, exactly. A little slack. Fish that big, you gotta let him out before you can reel him in. And he runs into the demiplane and smacks his nose against the opposite wall with the hook still in his Adam's apple. After he flees away from me into the minivan that leads into another dimension, I take a step back and I go, Ron, I think you had something you wanted to say. I didn't.

And I stand up and I'm like, right. And you see people go, wow. Jump scare. Hi, dad. Listen, last time I talked to you, I said a bunch of things about how like, I don't need you and I don't need anybody because I'm my own person and my own successful businessman and everything. You remember that? Yeah.

Sounds good. I don't need you, but I can't do this all by myself. I'm not alone. I have my family now, my real family. I have people who love me. My whole life, I had all this love to give, and I never got any of it back. And I thought that if I could just, if I could give you enough, then maybe you'd have some leftover to share or something. But now...

I have a real family and more love than I've ever had before. Even though I can't do this alone, I do need you, Dad. I need you to go fuck yourself. And I shut the door. Yes! He managed to pull the hook out just in time to begin to say something, and I assume he continued to shut the door? Yeah. Okay, fuck yeah. So the door slammed shut.

And Willie Stampler is off the initiative. In a room. Goodbye, fucking Willie. Bigger plans for that boy. Everybody give me an Arcana roll. I got a two Arcana roll. I hope this doesn't mean I'm dead. I got 16 plus seven. I love that Ron has the best Arcana. 11 plus four, 15. That's a wild rogue. I know. Okay, so Ron.

As you slam this door shut on your father, a spell escapes through the crack. And it is the message spell. And with a 23, you don't know what it contains. But you know it's the message spell. And you know it wasn't intended for you. Barry's turn. So Barry turns, looks over Henry's shoulder, and sees as Willie vanishes. And he goes, oh, that won't do. That won't do at all.

He's going to cast shape change on himself. Okay. And he's going to turn into an ancient white dragon. What?

He is going to turn into a massive white dragon that is legendary actions, which the two dimensional dragon I just straight up forgot he had. But now he can take a legendary action at the beginning of any other creature's turn. He is now in the form of a massive ancient white dragon, even bigger than Radiolab. And this one's actually three dimensional. And he roars in decidedly uncrunchy, unmoved.

Un-munchy, un-yoga, un-blitzen. Drew a dad anger as he realizes how close you all are to fucking up this entire plan. Fuck. I don't think you can put bracelets on him anymore. Shit, that bracelet ain't gonna fit, is it? No, he's a big boy now. Okay, so now it is the kids' turns. Are they still hiding? I think it's time for them to rock it. Yeah, I think... Punch it. So they are going to punch it. Nick Jr. is riding on the...

top of it like the doof warrior shredding a guitar solo to give them a bardic inspiration. No, not Nick Jr. Nick. Nick Nicholas. Oh, okay. Demon Nick is the doof warrior on top of the minivan. Very cool. Little Nicky is shredding a guitar solo and giving them all bardic inspiration. Okay, awesome. Yes, very good. Lark is going to roll to drive.

He fucking like drives out of their hiding space. Deja vu fucking drifts and drives into the ramp. He's going to fucking ramp this shit toward the portal as hard as he can. He gets a three.

The van like lands and like, and kind of aims and it sort of sideswipes the side of the fake Honda Odyssey. And it slows down for a second and the engine stops and it goes, oh shit, oh shit. He starts trying to turn it over. And you can see the ancient white dragon, Barry, turning and looking at the Odyssey and then turning and looking at the other Odyssey and realizing that whatever's going on, he might just well be fucked. So he's going to, as an attack of opportunity, as the car begins to try to escape,

bury the dragon like the fucking t-rex from jurassic park just boom boom the ground shaking as it approaches this van that can't move all the kids are screaming and lark is like i know i know i've got it i fucking got it must go faster must go faster the dragon is right up next to this fucking van as lark finally gets the engine turn over he hits the fucking gas he guns it and the dragon is going to get an attack of opportunity with its claws

Against the van and it hits I'm gonna do a spirit shield on this by the way. Okay, what does that do? It's part of my ancestral spirit So the four great dads George Washington Abraham Lincoln coach Taylor and Frank Returns as the ancestral spirits and I get to and this time it really is Frank Any creature within 30 feet of you you can use a reaction to reduce that damage by 46. Okay by 46. Yeah Wow

It's not like a huge amount of damage, but I mean, it's yeah, it's fair enough in total. It's reaction attack is going to use. What did we see in the video of Oakvale? We mean the video, the video of your life. Do we see Hildy? We did see Hildy. Okay, I'm going to do Frank.

and Hilde, in Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, Hilde gets in there because you'll see why. Because I remember Hilde, I'm like, okay, well, this is Barry Oak. So they are the ones who do the Spirit Shield. Okay. So they block 46. So go ahead and roll your 46. Marilyn Studd, like, hey, well, come on.

This is my big shot to be in the main feed, you know? They blocked 11. It's not the biggest deal, but what I also do, and I feel like Henry gets to say what this is. I feel like Will gets to do this. I also get to do Vengeful Ancestors.

which means that those four spirits that block the attack get to use that same amount of force and do damage to the enemy. But I think it's also just a good old dad scolding. And I think it's Hildy explaining to Barry what sort of terrible father Barry is. So Hildy Oak...

This old salty crone. She lived to be like a hundred and two or whatever. By Lincoln and George Washington. George Washington says, Barry Bartholomew woke. What in the HG double hockey sticks are you up to? You no good run. You little brat. I raised you better than this. And then she takes her cane and she whaps him on the head with it. Okay. So that ends up doing how much damage? 11 damage. 11 damage. She goes, ow.

You could see this like ancient dragon, this massive ancient white dragon. It like flinches a little bit at the hit, like, but that is still not enough to stop what happens next, which is his massive fucking claws still do 25 damage to the car. And specifically, he rolled so well that he rakes the entire left side of the van, including the tires with his claws. And they pop, pop.

And Larg is pressing down the accelerator as hard as he can, but the car is now drifting really hard to the left. Almost all of its forward momentum is gone, and they are so tantalizingly close to the portal. They are so fucking close. But that's their turn. So Walter is going to use the crab arms to try to grab Peyton, and he gets a natural 20 and fucking grapples Peyton and just gets each of his hands in his big old claws, and he pops the cockpit open and just looks at him, bully-wug,

to zombified 60-year-old man-child and says, take it.

I just want you to know.

I love you like a shot. Oh, God. And Walter's going to roll Persuasion on Payden. And he got a six. Oh! And then Payden is going to roll Resistance to that. Come on, baby boy, you can miss. And he rolls a three. So Payden looks at the half-wrecked crabbeck beneath him, and he goes...

Walter. Oh. Daddy. Oh, God. And he reaches down and picks up Walter in his little hand. And he's like, what do we do? And Walter's like, make up my friends. And Peyton goes, okay. And starts very slowly, like, ambling towards you. So he'll be at the floor. Walter's going to raise big Peyton. Oh, God.

From over by the van, Glenn and Nick take a pee-pee. You know, I thought the thing that happened to us was weird, but...

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We're top of initiative again. So now it's...

Autumn's turn autumn is just gonna literally run up to the fucking back of the car and just go fuck this and just start pushing It's kind of helping the car is gonna get there by the time the kids turn comes around But that's gonna be late in the initiative. Now. It is Daryl's turn shit. Okay. What's our endgame now? Do we just all want to run? I feel like if we pierce the dragon's ears we can use the bracelet still

Like, if I use the fucking... The javelin. Yeah. If you use the gauntlet of Claire's. He's going to pierce the ears. Give him like a ring. Yeah.

So I'll just use the fishing harpoon. Henry, picking up when Ron is laying down, says, you make the hole and I'll fucking close it up with the hoops. Just put me in, coach. Okay. Okay. How big is this dragon? Big. How big are its ears? That's the more important question. Actually, he should use the spear because he's got the perfect throw. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. And I got two attacks. It is gargantuan.

Yeah. Okay. I can't grapple it. No. If we threw the javelin twice, we'd pierce both of its ears and then you would like sneak up and like- I could probably clamp both the fucking things. They're small bracelets. I can pierce them both and want a hole. Yeah. Okay. But you have to get to his ear or whatever. You have to make a hole in his ear, get there. Yeah. Don't worry about me getting there. I know. I'm worried about the kids getting out. I'm just pushing them. They're going to be fine. Okay. Okay. Plus, worst comes to worst, they get out and run. Drew. Drew. Fair enough. Okay. Okay.

Daryl remembers high school track where he did not do javelin. He always wished he did javelin and said he's playing football. But yes, Coach Taylor gives him a thumbs up. His dad gives him a thumbs up. Abraham Lincoln gives him a thumbs up. Glenn gives him just a humming of the bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

He'll do like a sort of hat. Oh, nice. I think I used my bardic inspiration. I can keep giving you bardic inspiration until I short rest. Let me tell you, so I can do a perfect throw. So do I just throw it at the ear? Yeah, but also this is very precise. Precise. Because you have to do it low enough on the ear that you could hypothetically like, you know, loop a fucking bracelet. So tell me what to roll. Give me a range attack. You see that? 16 plus 9, 25. 25 will do it. The javelin sails through the air.

clean as butter, slices a tiny, from your perspective, tiny fucking hole in the ear of this dragon, but it goes all the way through. Fucking suck it, Claire's. You can't do that good. So yeah, now there's a tiny hole at the bottom of its earlobe.

Okay, and then for my, I mean, I have a second action. So start pushing that van. Yeah, I think after that, I look at Ron and Harry and say, good luck, guys. And I run to join. Hey, Miss Oak, mind if I help? I mean, why am I asking? I'm going to help. I'm pushing. And I start pushing the van, too. She goes, use your fucking back. Yeah! I start pushing. Okay, so that was the end of your turn. So now the Ancient White Dragon is going to use a legendary action, and it is going to

Use its wing attack. It costs two of its three legendary actions, so it beats its wings, and all of you have to succeed on a DC 22 dexterity saving throw or take 15 damage and get knocked prone. Okay. Dexterity saving throw. Fuck. Yeah, I get knocked prone. As does Autumn. I also get knocked prone. 15 damage, you said? 15 damage. I'm going to burn my one inspiration and go again.

I got 20. Not enough. Nope. No, 20, 16, 17. So all of your knocked prone all take 15 damage from the pure power of its wings of the wind that's pushing at you. And then it gets to fly up to half of its flying speed. So it repositions itself. So instead of to the left of the van, it and lands between the van and the portal. So right now between you and your kids and freedom is an ancient white dragon with full health.

So that was Daryl's turn, correct? Yes. And Autumn's. And prone is, what is prone exactly? Yeah, your only option is to crawl unless you stand up and thereby end the condition. You have disadvantage on attack rolls. Attack against you get advantage if they're melee attacks.

So, yeah, it's mainly for like making things good for its turn. OK, so it is now Bill Close's turn. So what he's going to do is he's going to hold his turn until something very specific happens. And then he is going to attempt to sneakily do something else. Tell me. He says very specific. So, you know what it is. Yeah, I do. What is it? You'll find out the nukes turn. You have one round left. The next time the nukes turn comes up.

It's done. I have something for the nuke, so once my turn, I think we'll be okay. So everyone else can just... I need one person to help me by holding turn. Okay, cool. It is now Henry's turn. Henry looks up at his giant dragon dad roaring and blocking the gate home. And he just shakes his head and he says, This is so you, Dad. God. This is who you really are. Just a selfish asshole. Well...

Not anymore, baby. And he turns. I don't always say baby, but he Henry teleports. He uses hidden paths to teleport up to Barry's ear. OK, and this is a bonus action. OK, what I want to do is teleport up to that hole in his ear and clasp the bracelets. OK, why don't you make a dexterity roll?

All right. I got a nine. You got a nine. It got a 14 dex saving throw. So it feels something on its ear and Barry shakes its head as hard as he can. And you barely managed to hang on. Okay. But you definitely drop the cuffs and they fall down onto the ground. The dragon is going to use other legendary action and whip the van with its tail. 16 plus 15 to it. So 31. Okay.

And then that's going to be 2d8 plus 8 bludgeoning damage. Thank God the kids have their seatbelts on. Yeah, so that's going to be 19 bludgeoning damage to the car. The windshield shatters glass, showers the inside. The kids are screaming. Fuck, Barry. Except for Grant. Grant's not screaming. He's just looking at this fucking thing dead in the eye. And he's pissed.

Same with Lark, actually. Liz Warden and the knights are going to try to batter their way out of this fucking thing. So they whittle away at the walls a little bit more. And next turn, they'll probably get out. Now it is Ron's turn. Okay, so. We've got Barry and we've got the nuke. Do you want to hold for Glenn? Yes. Is it entire action if I just pick up the bracelets? No, definitely not. But if you're going to hold for Glenn, just hold for Glenn. Then you do that on your turn. I think let's hold till Glenn for now. Yeah. Okay, so that's Ron's turn. It's not Ron's turn. He's holding. He's holding, sure.

No, no, you spent it all. Okay. And then the trees are going to, I guess now that the van is already ramped up. Do we want to ask the trees to do something? Yeah, we don't need the ramp anymore, right? Can we ask them to toss the van into the fucking portal? Yes. Having the trees throw the van in is pretty awesome. We ask the trees to help us get the van into the portal. So the trees are going to walk up and there's like fucking 20 of them and they're all really fucking strong.

So they all pick up the van pretty effortlessly and they're going to all as a group try to throw it over the like shoulder essentially of the dragon and hope that it doesn't like impact against the dragon and just fall over. But they all check and they see everybody's got their seatbelts on. Um,

Aaron's trees are good trees. Aaron's trees are good trees. And they are going to try their best to throw over the fucking dragon's head. They're all staring at Grant's face. All right. And they're like, one, two, tree. Oh, so funny. You get inspiration for that, Beth. Thanks. Wow, good inspiration. Happy to be here. You get whatever the opposite of inspiration is. You get a disadvantage on the next one. You see them go one, two, three.

and it's really funny the way they do it. Okay. God damn it. And they launch the van into the air far higher and far faster than you expected. You really were not thinking about how strong these trees are. And the kids all die. No. And the dragon sort of sees it coming past, but it doesn't have enough. It's already used its reaction on this turn to opportunity attack that van. So it just has to watch helplessly as the van sails over its left shoulder.

And in slow-mo, you see the kids going like, whoa, like looking out the window at the fucking dragon. And all the kids are fucking flipping the dragon off. And Terry Jr. is like looking around like, ugh. And Grant's like, ugh, and drawing his finger across his neck like he wants to fucking kill the dragon. And Lark just looks like fucking like he's a million miles away just looking in the middle of distance. And Sparrow's like, yeah, like fucking E.T. And Nick is just fucking rocking the shit out. The van sails over the dragon and approaches the now visible purple portal and dies.

The van and your children make it to the other side. Oh, we won. Oh, we won. All right. And then you hear it. Oh, God. The gladiator soundtrack. What? You hear it getting louder and louder. What the fuck? And closer and closer. And in that moment, you see a refurbished, repaired Honda Odyssey.

with your wives in the vans. You see Morgan Freeman shotgun. Morgan? You see Carol Wilson driving with a shotgun literally out the fucking side window. You see Mercedes O. Garcia on the hood fucking buck ass naked with crystals all over her. Ah!

You see Samantha Stampler leaning out the back window with a sword held high and they go, Mommy's back!

And they fucking careen into the back of the fucking dragon because they didn't realize the dragon was gonna be right there. And they ram Barry the dragon in the ass and he goes, "Argh!" and turns around and sees them. And the moms all get out of the car and Carol racks her shotgun and fucking Mercedes like finger-tuts and like prepares to cast fuck magic.

Samantha's gonna raise her sword and Morgan is gonna raise her shotgun. Let's go, baby! And they all begin to fire. Human guns! Human guns! And Samantha runs up and starts chopping away at its tail. It's not doing a lot, but she's having a grand old time. Samantha, you're doing great. I know it's not doing a lot, but you're having a grand old time.

I miss you so much, baby. And as you say that, they realize because the dragon was blocking the sight of you from them. All they saw was a dragon when they came in.

And when you say that, Samantha turns and sees you, and immediately tears begin to fall down her cheeks. After so long of not having seen you. At this point, to her, months. Well, days. Wasn't it the other way around? Fuck off. And tears are falling down her cheeks. We're that close! Days feel like months! Yeah, when you love each other that much, and Carol shoots a look at Daryl, and she just...

winks and then racks a shotgun and shoots Barry in the fucking face. You got this, Care Bear, oh my God! And she goes, I know. Mercedes looks at Henry and she goes, I came back for you, my lion. Mi esposa, mi leona, mi corazon de amor! And she casts a magic missile on the dragon. Morgan is looking around as everyone sees their returned husbands, but she doesn't see Jody. She sees a weird demon thing.

Okay, weird? That's a... Yeah, she sees you, but obviously doesn't recognize you as Jodie Potter. So as I walk towards her, I sort of like sizzle down back to normal size into regular highway cop looking Jodie and... Cop size. Yeah, cop sized. Fun size Jodie. Hey, honey. There's...

A lot you must be confused about. Are you okay? What just happened? You were a thing and now you're a... Yeah, wow. So much has happened. And then at that point I feel like a dragon type thing. Bloodthirsty roar. Later, later, later. We'll talk later. Maybe it's like one of those moments where like a tail of a dragon sweeps over my head. I have to duck and be like, I gotta get back to it.

Okay, that's kind of fun. Jimmy's been in some animated movies, I bet. Like work, you know. Yeah, so as you're talking to Morgan, the wish dragon hits you with its big old dong. Oh my God. And the fight against Barry Oak resumes.

But now they're in the initiative. It's interesting the time dilation worked the other way. Like the kids got back. You know, I love that. And then the moms found them and then they found a way back. It's because our dimension and the forgotten realms rotate each other in four dimensional space. So the space time dilation waxes and wanes as these two planets move around each other in a temporal celestial ballet. It's a very simple thing. Every time an object goes through it reverses the polarity between the worlds. Ah.

Oh, that's funny. When it goes in. Real fast, real slow. That's great. Yeah, so when it goes in, now our world is the fast one. Not quite as elegant cosmologically as my explanation. No, it's great because now that means we can keep fighting it. And it's very easy. Why? The crystals. Yes. Yes.

All the J.O. crystals that Mercedes filled. All four of the bombs have J.O. crystals on them. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. That's what she did. And it fucking worked. I also don't know what to tell you about that. Okay, so now it is going to be Sweet Matilda's turn. She's going to try to disarm this bomb somehow. I'm going to yell to Sweet Matilda and say, don't worry, I got something for that. Hold your turn. Okay, so she'll hold her turn until you tell her not to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Dadkilla is going to fight back against Jody, who is just... Hey, Dadkilla, hold your turn. Don't decline to time. Go fuck yourself, perhaps. Perhaps instead you could do that. And so he's going to attack Jody. Considering the fact that you just knocked 50 health points off him. Health points. Health points, Dadkilla. Oh, boy. So glad to be around all of you. That was the meanest thing. He is going to target you and go like, who the fuck? I don't even know who you are. But whatever. Fuck it. Here we go. And then like stabs two fingers in the back of your neck.

like Dio from Jojo and begins to suck blood out of your body. Jody likes it. Is that a Jojo reference? What? Just a little bit. I mean, he's a demon. That makes sense. Yeah, enough to at least not, at first I'm like, what the, oh, I'm like, oh, in the, like, in that moment I'm determining whether or not I enjoy this or not and I quickly realize I actually do not. Jody's a complex man. Yeah. A lot going on with Jody. A lot happens in hell, okay? No rules turns out. So he's gonna siphon away 25 HP from you. Okay. I emit 25 HP worth of grunt.

I will happily live the rest of my life not knowing exactly what that sounds like. I love this game. And now it is the Oakvalians and they're like, this is a big dragon. This is a big dragon.

Don't worry about it. Just hold our turn until Glenn's good. Okay, I guess we'll hold our turns too. What the fuck is happening? What is coming? The elephants see a big dragon and just out of fear, I think they all run away. They can go. Henry tells them to run. Yeah, the elephants bounce and now it's Barry's turn. Dragon Barry is going to use his cold breath. He's going to exhale an icy blast in a 90-foot cone that's going to hit either all the moms or all the dads. I think...

considering how little the moms actually hurt him because they're mostly hitting him with non-magical stuff. He thinks this is a distraction. So he turns around to face all of you. Yeah, that's fair. And he is going to

Force you to make a DC 22 constitution saving throw. Motherfucker. You take 72 cold damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. DC 22? Mm-hmm. I can't make that. I'm only plus one. Then, yeah, you take 72 damage. Fuck. I got a one. Ooh, okay. 72 damage. I'm sorry. How much damage can you... I mean, I'm in death saves. All right. So in that moment, then, I feel like, yeah, definitely something Oakvallians try to heal you. So you get, like, three cure wound spells cast on you. So take 3d8 health back. Shit.

I got a 20. I got two 21s. Ooh, that's even worse. So, yes, that was the worst. I rolled 13 twice plus eight. So, yeah, unfortunately, all of you take 72 cold damage. That was his turn, but now his legendary actions are refreshed. That's brisk, baby. Okay, so luckily we saved. Who held? I'm still back. I'm okay. So, the Ophalians held and they saved me with five HP now. So, I'm just above death. Okay. Just to remind you, you got a nuke. You got the nuke. Yeah. Yeah.

And now it is the mom's turns and they are going to just keep attacking this fucking thing as hard as they can to try to get its attention. And they are going to do. Nobody's done any damage to this thing yet. I don't like that.

Well, we kind of had the bracelets with kind of our thing. We're not really damage dealers. That's fair. I guess they're trying to distract us. I rammed him with an elephant. I did some damage to him. Yeah, but then he turned into a dragon. Shut the fuck up. So we got his dragon. You're the one who taught me how this shit works, this wild-shaped stuff. The wives continue to attack this shit, and they say, get the fuck away from our husbands.

And whoever that guy is, they say pointing at Glenn. Glenn takes a D for a psychic. You have a brief moment where Morgan looks in your direction and she squints almost as if like, wait, where have I seen this guy before?

And then she shakes her head. It can't matter. I just got to take care of Jodie. Dracula just fucked up Jodie. Okay, so they did 20 damage to this thing. So it has 310 health left. Okay. Okay. Interesting that you don't find that. That's not great. I don't think we're going to kill this thing with damage. We got a nuke. You do have a nuke. And now we go to Walter, who's like, uh...

I think you would have to fight a dragon, Peyton. And to be honest, the last time this happened, it was a much smaller, much less dimensional dragon and it didn't work out. But I think this time... I yell up from the bottom. I'm like, hey, giant Peyton, that dragon says that he thinks he don't know how to fight. All of a sudden, his eyes burn bright red. He looks like a fucking Resident Evil villain. But also you hear, you could swear you hear in his guttural zombie angry roars, the

the roar of a tiger. Yeah. And he's going to fucking run up like Godzilla versus King Kong and try to just shoulder charge this fucker. Nice. And let's see. I never thought that this would end up with a paid in dragon kaiju battle. I'm sorry. Paid in zombie dragon kaiju battle. Yeah. Let me tell you, don't ever say that we don't have character growth in this story because paid in rolled a two. Yeah.

It's spinning. It feels dry. How does this happen? Every time. He runs up and tries to shoulder check the dragon, but he just bounces off and the dragon looks at him like, and then Payne's just like, and Walter's like, don't let me get you, hey kid, he becomes Mickey from fucking. Maybe you guys should just go

Walter. Just raise your giant zombie son. Tell our story. If that's what you want to do. Okay. We're never going to see you again one way or the other. Just you were great, Walter. No, I was amazing.

And Peyton and Walter run and Peyton spares a single last look over his shoulder and he cocks his head like a confused dog because he's still a zombie and doesn't fully understand what's going on. But you definitely get it like kind of he loves you sense kind of sort of. You know, like when a dog like cocks his head and you're like, oh, like that's the vibe. Everybody else said, I'm like, I'm like, I mean, he's dead.

I was like, that's not Peyton. I already said bye to Peyton and my dad multiple times. I'm okay. Totally fair. Okay, so both Walter and Peyton escape having done almost nothing at all. I mean, Walter held that dragon down. Actually, Walter fucking killed it. Peyton was originally a bad guy. Peyton was true to himself. It turned out pretty good. Okay. I just want to see a story about the two of them living. We are back at the top. Wait, Glenn hasn't gone yet. Oh, did I just skip you on accident? I'm so sorry. I must have skipped you. I apologize. Glenn, it is your turn. Glenn's going to cast a level seven spell.

Okay. It's called Magnificent Mansion. So I conjured extra dimensional dwelling in range. I choose where it's one entrance is located underneath the nuke.

The entrance shimmers faintly and is five feet wide and ten feet tall. Feels like that could probably fit the nuke. Is that what we're talking about? Five feet wide, ten feet tall? I would say so. You and any creature I designate, sweet Matilda. When I cast a spell, can enter the extra-dimensional dwelling as long as the portal remains open. I think it's going to be open. I can open or close the portal if I'm within 30 feet of it. Feels like I am. Beyond the portal is a magnificent foyer with numerous chambers. The atmosphere is clean, fresh, and warm.

The place is furnished and decorated as I choose, very tastefully. It contains sufficient food to serve a nine-course banquet for up to 100 people. Oh, that's great. A staff of 100 near-transparent servants attends everyone who enters. Are they going to be like Linda Hamilton in her fucking T2 flashback? They're going to come and take the beer. They are my servants. The visual appearance of these servants in their attire, all just...

men and women. Jacked men and women. Just buff boys and girls. Okay. They're completely obedient to my orders. Each servant can perform any task a normal human can perform. They can't attack or directly harm other creatures, but they can do things like fetch clean men, fold clothes,

take the nuke inside the garage. Did you say clean men? Servants can go anywhere in the mansion, but can't leave it, which is fine, because the door is... They ain't leaving, sounds like. If you move the stuff, it disappears. Doesn't matter, because they're in an extra-dimensional space. So wait, this mansion just exists sort of on a weird other plane? It's in another plane. There's a door to it in our world. Right under the nuke. Right under the nuke. Okay. And you're like, Matilda, just kind of knock on the door and have the servants bring those in. She goes, well, what the hell? All right. Knock, knock, knock. You hear it.

And, like, obviously it's, like, in the ground, right? Yeah, yeah. So she, like, leans over and knocks on the ground and it opens, but, like, gravity is relative inside that mansion, so the guys are, like, standing, like... Oh, it's, like, the arrival of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so, like, they reach out of the ground, but to them it's them reaching forward. Yeah, yeah. And they're all, like, you remember Beauty and the Beast? They're all, like, you know, just dancing around. There's a musical number, like, in the middle. Oh. Nook.

Where's the nuke? Where's the nuke? If you have an insult, I have a rebuke. Hand it to me. Give it to me. I'll put it inside my vault. It'll explode. We'll all die. But we aren't really real, so it's no big deal. And then you can go ahead and fuck up the rest of Anthony's plans anyway.

Give me the nuke. Give me the nuke. Give me the nuke. Not much time left. My 100 buff servants. They're Chippendales. They can't leave. So Sweet Matilda just pushes it into the fucking thing and it like plummets for a second and then like and goes 90 degrees again because the gravity gets weird. Close the door. And they go, oh, it's one cell. Be a girl. And the door slams and you're...

The fucking windows blow out and blow straight up. It's like the castle from Disney where it's like...

I like the fireworks. What's going on? Yes, it's literally the Disney castle. It's the Disney castle. It's the Disney castle inside. And I look right at camera. I say, I learned that one from Satan. Well, there goes the version of season two that was going to be in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. There goes dad, max daddy road.

I mean, that could be another reason for a post-apocalypse. There's plenty of things going on right now. Yeah. All right. So the nuke. Don't laugh. I wanted it. You don't have to worry. This world could still end in nuclear annihilation very easily. Yeah. All right. So the nuke is now off the board.

Glenn took his turn. Were you really planning on just blowing us up with a noob? I assumed you would have at the very minimum been like, hey, worst case scenario, we're just going to run through this portal. And so then the Forgotten Realms will be bad from now on, but you're on Earth. So if we go back there, then it's Dad Max. But you didn't know that there's spells in Dungeons & Dragons that just make it tire. I didn't know there were two separate spells. They're like, what if an area existed that wasn't really an area? So you could put anything

wanted to them and completely obviate anything that your DM wanted. Fuck you, Gygax. But I guess I let you do whatever you wanted, so fuck me too.

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See store for details. We're back at the top of the order. Daryl. Well, the servants could pour wine. So the servants that are slowly turning into fucking fallout radiated ghouls are pouring wine for one another. Oh, this is how the beauty and the beast castle got formed. Because they're all, you know what I'm saying? They're all like teacups and shit. They're all people and they got

their fucking souls formed into the fucking silverware and shit to survive the blast. It's also not a mystery for me. They explained what happens to Beauty and the Beast. Glenn was too high for that. I never figured out what you guys finally solved it. That's what they want you to think. Glenn's like, that must be where the Beauty and the Beast castle comes from. No, no, no, Glenn, not at all. Okay, okay. So we still have to get Barry and we still have to get out of here.

Team, what are we trying to do now? Are we just trying to escape the portal? Should we just all run in? Do we want to take what's Henry want to do? Should I hold my turn for you there? I think we should still go for the bracelets. Yeah. I think that's the best way to end this fight. If we can fucking make it work. Yeah. You're still hanging on. I am still hanging on. Yeah. Yeah. Daryl's going to run and grab the bracelets. And then he gives Carol a kiss on the cheek as he runs fast and grab lashes.

And then grabs the bracelets. Oh, no, you know what? As you run, Bass, give you a smack on the butt. A little smack on the patootie. Daryl's, both of Daryl's eyes just fill with tears. He hasn't felt that hand on that butt for quite a while. That's an interesting way to phrase that. Both of his eyes. Both of his human eyes filled with tears. Oh,

Coca-Cola, zero sugar, please. And he throws the bracelets up to Henry. Perfect spiral, but Henry has to catch them. So, Henry, I think it's a dexterity check for you. Fucking God. Advantage dexterity check because a perfect spiral is easier to catch than a flopping ball. Sure. Now, here's the thing. You're going to say, look...

Henry, as a crunchy munchy druid, can't possibly catch a football. But my friend, this is not a football. This is much closer to a frisbee. And if there's one thing that a nature crunchy munchy druid hippie can do, it's to catch a frisbee being thrown at. Even with advantage? Even with advantage. Okay. Wait. Wait.

Wait. I get two attacks. He drops the bracelets, and I grab them. Okay. I go, hey, buddy, it's okay. This is just a light catch, man. I'm sorry, Daryl. I'm not good at catching stuff. Hey, Daryl goes, second down, 10 yards. No, Henry, that was a great try. You know what? That was my bad. Let me give you a better throw, bud. This is good. You ready? All right. I'm ready. All right. I wind back, and I throw them up again with my second attack. All right. Try it again, man. All right. 18. That'll do it. Yes. Yes.

You snatch those cuffs out of the fucking air. That is the end of Daryl's turn. The dragon is once again going to take a legendary action, and it is going to beat its horrible wings, and all of you are going to have to succeed at a DC 22 dexterity saving throw, or you take 15 bludgeoning damage and you get knocked prone. Henry is hanging from his ear. Yeah, so you're fine. I mean, there's no way. Is it 22 dex? Yeah. Yeah, so unless I roll a... A natural 20. I'm going to use Stone's Endurance, which is 12 plus 3...

Reduce damage so I just don't take any damage. Great. You do get knocked on your ass. Yeah, yeah, I'm prone. Yeah, I fucking rolled a four. I can use Uncanny Dodge to half his damage, though. So you take seven damage instead and you get knocked prone. Ugh. Nine plus nine, 18. Fuck. Could little Nick have Bardic inspired you on his way out the fucking door? That's cool. So yeah, right as he was flying through the air, you saw him...

meat eyes with you and he just fucking threw up the devil horns and my heart filled with pride as a father and i said oh my god a friend of a real satan so what's the save again 22 so you need four 21

Oh my god. Plus three. Knocked prone. Fuck. How much damage is again? 15? I'm in death saves again. Alright. Fuck. So now it is Autumn's turn. Autumn is going to cure wounds you right back onto your fucking feet again because she's still got the slots for it. You're doing a good job. You're just getting knocked down and coming right back up. Gives you 3d8 again. I feel powerful. Alright.

All right. Now it's the trees. Could they try to grapple, like do something to like make it easier? Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Root him down so to speak. Yeah, like they can be like a sort of giant entangle on Barry would be cool. Yeah, that's cool. They like crawl onto him like fucking Gulliver's Travel shit. And like he's like trying to use his wings to like bat them off of him and stuff. But they're just climbing up him and he can't seem to stop them. And they're not doing any damage, but he's definitely distracted by that. He's not going to be doing a whole lot of moving.

Now it is. Liz Warden and her knights, they break through the barrier and they see. It's a community gift. And Elizabeth Warden goes, I think the time has come for me to withdraw. Oh my God. And they just run. Fair enough. And then sweet Matilda, she turns and she sees you and Carol have that really sweet moment. And a tear rolls down her cheek.

And she nods to herself and she goes, they're probably going to be fine. Oh, sorry. I'm going to pay for that. The beer is really great. She looks at you, Ron, and she goes,

It's on the house. And she walks away. That's a rowdy ass move to walk away as a giant dragon's beating down on a bunch of people. They're probably fine. He does that quick glance where he notices her walking away, but he just kind of nods to her. He's like, yeah, he's also like, she's going to be okay. And as you turn away, she stops and looks back. But by that point, you turned away and she goes, ah. And then keeps walking. And I'm about to look, but I glance at Carol and I'm like, I probably shouldn't look. Yeah, you turn and Carol's just staring at you.

I was like, what? Who was that? I don't know who that was. You saw that one with that lady with the one antler, right? It's Crazy World. Was that a friend of yours? Hey, oh, hey. Okay, bye. It's Dadkilla's turn. He and Jody fucking continue to just... Oh, my God. What are you doing? Your boss is gone. Dadkilla goes, good point. Good point. Good point.

But also, just before I go, just for that little daylight spawning sack of shit. Just a real quick, just an oopsie, just a poopsie, just a doot, doot, doot, doot. No. So you're dangling from the fucking ear of this thing. So he crawls up and he's going to use vampire touch on you and go, doot.

and touch you on the toe and you take 6d6 plus that's fair my Birkenstocks has definitely flown off at this point yeah and he just goes this little piggy died and he touches he touches your big toe and you take 6d6 plus 7 necrotic damage

And you are grappled. What? And your body seizes up and it goes, tee hee hee, bye. And then he starts to crawl back down the dragon. How much HP do you have? I'm at 86. Oh, okay. But you are grappled and it's a DC 22 escape. I held my turn. When can I go? Oh, whenever you want to. You just have to tell me. I'll go now. Okay.

I'll go now. You'll go now. I think I'm just going to try to crawl up the dragon too. Yeah, he's grappled. He's not doing a lot of moving. You can climb the trees up to the dragon. Yeah, it feels like you could do that pretty easily. I don't know if you even really need a roll for that. Go for it. I climb the trees up to the dragon and the whole time I'm just like, oh, sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. So sorry. Excuse me. But you're going to need to touch a lot of really hot trees. Oh, okay. Sorry. Okay.

It's like, ooh, a foothold in the abs. Samantha's just watching you. Samantha's just looking up going, I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him climb up trees. Oh my gosh. Single anime beat of sweat comes down. But now that I'm here, I kind of just wanted to be there in case you fell or something. I think you just grab the bracelets and try to put them on.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm holding, because I'm hanging on, I'm holding the bracelet, so if you want to take them and give it a shot, fucking go for it. Okay, fucking, I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the bracelets, and I'm going to try to insert them into the piercing. Give me a dexterity roll. Okay, maybe I will. He'll oppose dexterity. That is going to be a six. Six.

He got a 21. So he manages to shake you off, Ron. You lose your grip and you're falling. You're about to hit the ground. And then Samantha just fucking runs and just catches you in her arms like she's Wesley and your princess buttercup or whatever. And she's just holding you in her arms like that. And she goes, hi, Ronnie. Hi, Sammy.

She gives you a little kiss on the nose. Yeah. Does Henry still have the bracelet? Henry's still got them in his hand. Okay. Okay. Thank God. Okay. Henry, it is your turn. Okay. I cast Hold Person. Okay. Which is a wisdom 18 saving throw. And I say, Dad, just stop. And he gets a natural one. So he stops moving to hear that force behind your voice and that confidence. It's not anger. It's like you know what you want. It's just authority. I just say, Dad, stop.

And he freezes for a second. And I say, now run! Ron, it is your turn again? Yeah, I crawl back up the hot trees. I give my wife, I give my hot wife, Samantha, a kiss on the lips. I say, I love you, babe. And then I climb up the trees. I climb up the trees and I grab the bracelets from Henry and I try to put them through the piercing. Okay, give me a dexterity throw. He'll make his disadvantage. That is a 12 plus one, 13. Okay, he got it.

Oh, okay. So we did it. No, that's good. Okay. So you successfully clamp the bands into his ear and he starts pawing at it with his dragon claw and then transforms back into his human self. And he goes, what the, what did you, ah,

Looking real cute, Barry. Looking real cute with that piercing. Hey, Barry. It looks really uncool on him. It looks like Harrison Ford after he got that stud in his ear. You want to put some ocean salt spray on that. It might get infected. And he goes, you must...

And he seizes up and he can't finish saying it because that's not something he wants somebody to do to him. So I snap my fingers to disable the hold person spell. Okay. Because he's, you know, back to... He falls onto all fours. Well, Dad, it looks like you're going to have to finally start giving a shit about somebody else for once. And he looks up at you and he says, Henry...

You finally learned everything I was trying to teach you. Oh, shut the fuck up! Shut up! I didn't really mean that. I was trying to be smug. I use smugness as a self-defense mechanism. Okay, you got me. Yes, okay, you got me. Fuck! Okay. Dad, do you want to talk about why you use smugness as a self-defense? No, not really right now, no. But thank you for offering. But no. Fuck. I thought I was going to get to live forever and have a bunch of power and daddy magic and shit. And now Willie's dead, which is good because he was awful. But shh. Fuck! Fuck!

I have a whole thing. Is he dead or he's just in this portal thing? I guess I could try to find him. No. Don't do that. I wouldn't want you to do that. That would be hurting us. Shit, why did I say that out loud? Fuck, fuck, shit. Dad, it's time you take responsibility for the people you created. You're now in their charge and they're going to do with you what they will.

And Canary is like, I have some new ideas for how Oakvale can be run. Number one, we all get free fries all the time. And he's like, OK. And they immediately tie him the fuck up and like run him out of town on a rail kind of thing. They're just like, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. And he goes, I won't forget this. I won't forget this. I may not be able to do anything about it, but I'll have my revenge. Maybe, Henry. I shouldn't have said that out loud. No, you're not. No, I can't have my revenge. No, fuck.

And he gets dragged away into the distance. You can see over your shoulder, Carol seems to be talking to a small lizard that you immediately recognize as Cern. He's going to kill her. He's not going to kill her. He just hands her the remaining deck of many things cards and you catch his eye as he does so. He sadly sort of nods at you and waves goodbye as a silent apology for those times he almost killed you. I give him a sorrowful nod back.

Cern having apologized silently and received an acceptance. It's a very dude apology. Yeah, it's a very two dudes just nodding each other and he's going to walk alone into the sunset. Henry runs up and gives him a hug before he goes away. He goes, thank you. I'm sorry. Sorry. Hey, man. I mean, we're sorry too, dude. And you're a good guy, Cern. No, I get it. We love you. You didn't mean to do it. No, I just, yeah. Have a good one. You too. After he walks away from Henry, I catch Cern's eye and I give him another sorrowful nod. He goes...

And Cern nods twice and points at you like, that's how I wanted to read it. As he walks away further, Ron yells out, but not loud enough for Cern to hear him. We cool? Yeah, we cool. Now, essentially, it's on your plate. You get to sort of determine what your epilogue scenes are and how you go back into the world and what you do.

First things first, Henry runs up and sobbing, hugs his wife. She hugs him naked as the day she was born. Oh my God, I missed you so much. Her J.O. crystals jangling all around her. And she goes, I miss you too, mi amor. She kisses you a million times on your fucking face. And she is so happy. She grabs your butt, just fucking rabbit for it. It was months. It felt like I thought you were dead. But our kids, you took such good care of our boys. I'm so glad to see you. And I'm so glad to find out that the crystals fucking work.

They worked. The crystals worked. Oh, there's so many apologies coming my way, coming our way. I tell you what, baby. Oh, I'm so fucking happy. I love you. I love you more than anything. I love you so much. You did it. You fucking did it. Hearing the odds that you were up against from Lark and Sparrow, I didn't think it would be possible, but you managed to pull it out. You are... No, you are. You're amazing. You're my everything. And then they just start making out. Yes, voraciously. Yes.

Like, fucking play the sounds of, like, wet sloppy making out under everybody else's epilogue. Samantha. Hi. Hi. Hey, Ronnie. Where are your pants? Oh, it's a...

Oh my god, I forgot. This is a payoff an entire podcast we've been waiting for. Well, babe, these say cool guy, and I'm not allowed to wear regular pants, just these. But if you want, sweetheart, I can wear another pair under these that say hot guy.

And they'll be just for us. But I'll change them. I'll have multiple pairs. It's just the boxer's got to say, babe, if that's okay with you. No, that sounds perfect, Ron. They don't always have to say, though. Ah!

No, they do. They do. Okay. So, all right. Okay, so that question's done. Now I have other questions. Wait, so does Ron's pants curse transfer over into our world? I guess you'll find out. Yeah.

Samantha, thank you for all that you've done for me and all the strength that you've given me and our kid, Terry. But guess what? Your little puppy dog, Ron, he's a big dog now, and I'm going to give you just as much strength and just as much love back, and you don't have to be so strong for me anymore. Did someone say scam? Scam!

I guess if you think about when I said strong and it also says- I'm so sorry, but you're having such a lovely moment with your wife. I just wanted to say, I felt like I owed you a favor for everything. And I did the street team and stuff and that worked out great, but I did have one extra favor I just wanted to give specifically to you, Ronald, if that's okay, if I'm not interrupting. Samantha, is it okay? Yeah, no, it's fine. Okay.

Who is this man? This is a very weird looking man. Yeah, it's a long story. And so he goes, just one last little present from me, your old pal, Scam Like Lee. And he reaches up to his mustache and he pulls as hard as he can. And he goes, oh, oh.

And he throws the mustache down on the ground and the mustache begins to form an orb of meat and the orb forms four legs and then a tail and then a head and then two cute little puppy ears. And you see a dog that looks very much like Rogue with a large mustache up.

still on its face and it barks happily at you and cuddles up to your leg and wags its tail. And Scam goes, that was the last present from me, Scam Likely. Now you kids go on and have fun, Scam Likely away. And he fades away like a force ghost. Oh my God. Is this a new dog or is this rogue? This is a new dog.

Hey, buddy, what should we call him, Samantha? I think we should call him Ron. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Maybe we should think about it more when we get home. We can go on to some like dog name websites or something. I see why there are a couple. Daryl walks up to Carol. I think he just holds her and they look at each other for a moment. God, you came back for us. That's... Hey, when we get back...

I think I got primer. Like, it's weird to explain, but I spent a lot of time here and a lot of time travel stuff happened. And I think I'd get that movie if we watched it again. Her eyes get so wide and so happy of all the things you could have possibly said to her. That was the absolute last thing she was expecting and the absolute pleasantest surprise. And she goes, I would love to watch primer again. How's Grant, by the way? Grant is...

you know what? He's, I've set up a recurring favorite pay appointment for him. And I thought I should set one up for us too. That's, that's what I was. I'm so, that's what I was going to say to Carol. I'm, I'm just, I have a lot to talk about. I even met Frank here. I got to see my dad again. And Oh yeah. Yeah. Grant told me. I just want to let you know that the only thing that got me through this was every day. I was just thinking about how strong you were and I'm so happy to see you. And, and we're going to make this work and, and,

I love you. She kisses you deep on the mouth, holds her hands against your cheeks and looks at you straight in the eyes. And she says, I love you too. And I always have. And no matter what happens, I always will. Same. So when I look over at Morgan and Jody and Nick, I'm,

I assume they're like by the portal talking. Yeah, they're all by the portal talking. Very happy to see one another again. And Morgan looks a little bit confused as they explain the whole Jody's sort of a demon and I'm sort of a demon thing. A lot of hand gestures. A lot of like timeline stuff. Making horns with their fingers. She's like kind of okay with that.

She's drawing stuff in the dirt. There's like all a very complicated diagram. And Glenn. Carol comes over to primer it up a little bit. I like to think it's like this moment where like the Simpsons during Christmas, they look into Flanders household and they're all just like super happy. And Glenn takes a mournful sigh and he's like,

"Well, time to kill my fucking dad!" Turn around, I cock my gun, and be like, "This bullet's for Bill! Where is he?" So, uh, earlier when he readied an action, he was reading it in the case that you managed to defeat Barry, which you did, and as I said, he was gonna stealthily do something, and that was, uh, walk away. Uh, he left. He ran. Oh my gosh! He just ran away, you see Bill close-sized footprints into the distance. He took your gun, too! Somehow he got your gun! No no no no no, I still have my gun, and I do the fucking point break thing where I go,

And I shoot the rest of the bullets into the air. And Anthony, what does the cloud do? Oh, you have to ask a good question. I'm like, what do I do?

All the gun smoke resolves to do an image of Nick. The gun was wise all along. And Nick is actually, you hear behind you. Everybody's ducked. Everybody's ducked. Yeah, yeah. Daryl's like, what's going on? What are we doing? Daryl's like checking Grant's body. Like, were you hit? Were you hit? Henry and Mercedes did not duck. So you hear little Nicky's voice behind you going, Glenn? Yeah. You, you're right.

It's pretty metal what we did here, but... That was pretty cool. You seemed kind of bummed. Yeah. I guess I should have expected it. My whole life, my dad wasn't ever really around. He was always kind of a... Piece of shit? An in and out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Piece of shit. Yeah. Bad tracks. It seems like he was not the best. I don't want to be like that.

And I drop my gun onto the ground. It fucking impacts the dirt in slow motion. Oh, you dropped your, and he picks the gun back. Do you mean to drop the gun? You're right. I should hang on to this. It's a gun. It's pretty useful. It's going to be great. It's fucking not registered. I'll sell this shit. No, no, Nick. And I'm going to turn around and I look over at Jody and Morgan. We're talking over there. They look, uh, I don't know. They look pretty. Yeah. Yeah, they do.

You know what? And that's, I'm okay with that. She deserves that. That person over there, she's, uh, she's not my Morgan. My Morgan died a long time ago, but she is your mom, man. So you, you, you fucking don't spend all your time in hell. Like make sure you spend good time with her, man. No. Yeah. I was gonna, yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. I figured I would sort of, you know, spend like 90, 10 split, you know, hanging out with mom to hell kind of thing. Every other weekend with the devil. Yeah. Every other weekend with Satan who canonically loves Christmas music. Thanks to you.

I'll tell you one thing, bud. I'm not going to be like my dad. I'm going to be in your life. To the extent that stupid cop Jody and her will be okay with it, I'd like to be in your life. Hey, I'd like you to be in my life, too. Do you want to go talk to them? Do you want to meet my mom again?

So little Nikki takes you over to Jody and Morgan who are embracing and smiling, laughing, and crying. And it was a wild ride I'll never forget. And Morgan puts her hands on her hips and goes, it sounds like it. What a storyteller Jody is. I just wanted to introduce my demon uncle, Glenn. Oh, yeah. This is Morgan. This is Glenn. Well, where he's from, he had someone just...

I'm just, think of me as a friend and a fellow co-parent. You know? As a godfather, if you will. I was going for uncle. Godfather's good. I like godfather. I like godfather, too. Morgan's like, did you say cut? And the little lady's like, no, no, no, he did not. He did not. He's a godfather. Somebody's co-parent. And I put my hand out for a handshake. And Morgan takes it. And she goes, nice to meet you. And I go, here's a little trick I learned from a friend of mine.

glenn close nice to meet you henry and mercedes break out of their passionate embrace and he looks at the other dad and says oh guys should we head out yeah let's go home let's get the heck out of here let's win that soccer tournament oh i think that's long gone ron oh yeah i know we lost i mean we we got disqualified there were no kids there it was like it was a also a news story so carol's like we could monetize it i don't i think that's a little creepy but like there are government agencies that have questions

There's a whole lot of stuff that's going to happen. True crime podcast. A lot of people. There's definitely a period of time where they thought we had gone girl, you all. And that was a whole thing. But no, this is going to be a lot less creepy now that you're back. So as everyone's heading to the portal, Glenn hangs back a little bit and goes,

Hey guys, you go on ahead. Maybe I'll see you guys around, but don't come looking for me. Glenn? Yeah? It's been an honor, man. Hey, you weren't too half bad yourself. Thanks. You remember when I got rid of that nuke with a ghost, man? Yeah, that was incredible. That shit was lit. Holy shit, I'm an integral part of this team. Hey Glenn, seriously? Yeah. You're going to be a great dad. You were a great one and you're going to be a great one. I think I wasn't too good of a dad, but you

But you know what? Maybe I will be in the future. But I'm going to be a good dad right now to this kid right here. Right, Nick? Damn right. And he fist bumps you and rat demon Nick Jr. goes squeak, squeak on your shoulder. And then I guess a

portal to hell where a bunch of Christian demons are playing Christmas music. You hear jingle bells lightly through the portal. Christian teen demons. Don't you forget about me starts playing. Yeah, you freeze frame as you punch the air. We do cool just like dad handshakes to Glenn. Yeah, just cool dad handshakes to Glenn. You know what?

Bring it in, you guys. Yes. One last dad hug for the road. Dad huddle. We do a dad hug. We all do a big dad hug. Camera pans back and Erin O'Neil is just has her arms crossed and is looking at you and Vince, her two-dimensional boyfriend, comes up and he goes, I'm so sorry I missed everything, but were they good dads at the end? And Erin goes...

So it's like the end of super bad, but with three dads, cause we all hold our wives hands. We all kind of like glancing at each other. So we, we tearfully watched Glenn step into the portal and vanish into thin air. And then, uh, Henry looks to Daryl and Ron and says, I think we're done here. I think it's time to go home. I grabbed Carol's hand and I squeeze it and I give her a smile and I walked towards the portal.

Let's go home. Henry gives one last look over his shoulder back to his mom across the battlefield. And he just, he gives her the tearful nod. And she gives him the tearful nod back.

knowing that she doesn't want to follow you it would be too oh mom do you want to follow do you want to come now that you've invited me yeah i kind of do yeah all right there's not a lot for me here the ophelians are real dumb oh yeah yeah all right so yeah let's let's oh hi i'm i'm i'm mercedes this is my mom i can't believe i wasn't going to introduce you what was i thinking with that cool guy thing mom come on let's go and mercedes like oh pleasure to meet you and and autumn's like oh pleasure to meet you are those joe crystals and she's like they all

And I was like, that is fantastic. Let me tell you some things about J.O. Kissinger. It's fine. I'm okay with my mom being a sexual being.

You three and your wives, your mother, and even with Glenn not with you, knowing that, you know, his son, his ex-wife, that the people that mean the most to him are safe. That through everything that happened, you lost Peyton, you lost Glenn in a sense. It wasn't a bloodless victory. But in the end, despite everything...

As you would always hoped, but always sort of doubted in the back of your minds. Everything actually was all right. There was a time when you could read between the lines. You know they never brought you down. They never brought you down. There wasn't a box and you weren't thinking anyway. So you never brought you down.

It'll be all right.

They never got you down.

And all of the times that you fell flat upon your face, you know it never made you frown. You picked it up off the ground. And I know, I know, I know it's gonna be alright. Yeah, it's gonna be alright. Cause that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be alright. It's gonna be alright.

It'll be alright, cause that's just life All you do is try and it'll be alright Yeah, it's gonna be alright, cause that's just life Even if you die There was a time when you could read between the lines You know they never brought you down They never brought you down

I'm Max Dimwaller, and I wrote the theme music and outro.

Courtney Tiron is our content producer, and I've been pronouncing her name wrong this entire time. I'm Ashley Nicolette, and I'm the community manager. I'm Chad Ellis. I did additional editing and sound design. I also played Rupert Gunderson. I'm Cherish Chen, and I was the merch coordinator.

Robin Rapp is our transcriber and a very special thanks to all of the community contributors for season one's early episode transcriptions. This show is supported by some very cool patrons, people like Lee Metzger, Patrick Frampton, Casey Horton, Ben D, Kevin Cassidy, Kevin Janes, Jamie Burns, Bernice Jackson, John Barnes, Aaron Mitra, Jillian Z, Elliot White, Martin White, Mary Bierbaum, Monica Carey, Keldon Litterell, Tyler Burnett,

Josh Mangan, Clayton Brewer, Chris Redding Jr., Miles Edwards, Katarina Scholz, Cole Lettice, Tim S., and Stephanie Dimitriou. This marks the conclusion of season one of Dungeons & Daddies Odyssey. We'll be back with season two very soon, but first we'll have a little bit of a palate cleanser, so stick around.

Our next episode will be a talk show where we'll debrief and reminisce over the season, give you a little bit of a behind-the-scenes insight into what we were doing. Patreon supporters, by the way, will get a special extended version of that in addition to all the other dad content they already have access to. Then we'll campus, we'll take the DM reigns for a three-episode miniseries called Fetch Quest, about three dogs and a cat flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to get back home. Then right after that, we'll be back with Season 2, which will continue this story in this universe. More details to come, so look forward to that.

The best way to support this show is to join our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. There you'll get a staggering amount of bonus content, or you can just buy merch at our store at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. We are almost sold out of our very popular deck of daddy things, which is a physical deck for all you DMs out there, which contains all of the items in the 5e deck of many things, as well as 22 additional dad-themed cards.

the perfect gift for your DM and a fantastic way to bring chaos into your campaigns. The art is gorgeous. It's done by Kat Kerwin. We're almost sold out, so get it while you can. You can also pre-order a bunch of new merchandise. We have a Hi, I'm Ron concert poster, an Odyssey-san hat, a Daryl Barrel special mug, as well as a new set of pins and stickers. And we're going to be refreshing our shirt sizes here very soon.

Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for supporting this podcast in whatever way you do it. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit, Dungeons and Daddies. November 2nd is when our season one after show episode is coming out. We're not going to be breaking from this biweekly schedule until the holidays. So there's a lot more stuff to listen to, more stuff to come. Thank you so much for listening to season one. We hope you've enjoyed and we'll see you soon.

A couple of weeks later, we go to the Oak Garcia household where all of your favorite characters are hanging out in the living room and they're waiting for the person to show up with a movie for movie night. Oh, can someone get that? I'm still adding cultivated yeast to the popcorn. Oh, I got it. I got it, buddy. Fuck, really? Cultured yeast? It's the thing you put on popcorn.

popcorn it's really good we have it all the time here at the oak garcia household daryl can you get the door you can't talk yet you're not in the house yet ready i know i know yeah glad i brought bagged popcorn also beth may is in the corner irl just yeah real irl beth may just on the corners looking at pictures of jake gyllenhaal on her phone hey beth you want some pop busy she screams and ron

That's just how she is sometimes. Daryl opens up the door. And it's Demon Glenn. Hey. Hey, Glenn. Yo. I brought the movie. Oh. The Blu-ray. Hey, did any of us tell Glenn about movie night? Oh, I invited him. Oh, good. Yeah, no, I feel really bad. I think I didn't know. I don't really deal with hell very much. I just did. You're always invited, Glenn. Glenn puts a hand on your shoulder and it's like, everything you know about Christianity is different now. I...

And then Nick Jr. on your shoulder goes squeak, squeak, and then does the sign of the cross. And then I'm like, I brought the movie. Darryl holds his rosary in his pocket. Just fingers his rosary as hard as he can. And then Glenn goes, hey, I brought the movie, the Minions one. Oh, you brought those Banana Boy movies? I love those guys. Not the Banana Boy movies. That's a different set of movies. Oh, boy. Little Nicky's like, Minions, Minions, Minions. And then Glenn withdraws the Natural 20 blunt.

that he stored in the moment I thought he had a character arc and I was like oh he learned about the minions that's really nice but there he goes and he looks at Daryl's disapproving look he looks at Daryl's disapproving look and he goes like one it's legal number two I'm not gonna go to hell for it number three I'm not saying you go to hell for it I'm just saying there's kids here you're gonna smoke a blunt I'll go to the backyard this is the only way I'm gonna get through this fucking movie dude Daryl looks around and is like can I have just a quick

When you died, I did it. It was the first time I... And we're in the front yard. You know, it's a very suburban-ass front yard. I'm like, all right, here, have a toke here. And I go, click it up. I take a toke. Daryl's cool now. Oh!

And a criminal. So inside the remaining, you know, all the wives and all the kids are chatting amongst each other. Terry Jr. is playfully giving a noogie to Grant, who is tackling him to the ground in the fun way that kids fight, but like, not really. To the death. Yeah.

To the death. Yeah, that's definitely what Lark and Sparrow are dancing. But then we go to the kitchen. And while Henry is doing abominable things to popcorn. It's a whole spice rack in this thing right now. It's just a lot going on. Lark and Sparrow walk in. Hey, my beautiful boys. How's it going? You guys ready to see this Minion movie? Lark is averting your gaze. And Sparrow says, Father, I know we know.

that things have been different for some time. And that since we've returned, Lark has been, shall we say sullen, but Lark, I have a good vocabulary. Fuck you. I love it. But Lark, I believe you have an apology for father. Oh, Lark, that's so sweet. You don't need to apologize for anything, buddy. I kneel down and get on Lark's level. You know, I just, you know, whatever you want to say to me though, I hope you know you can say it. So Lark comes in for an embrace and he says,

I really do need to apologize, Father. I am sorry. Sorry for what, bud? For this. And in that moment, you feel a blade enter your back between your shoulder blades. A knife. And it's not a very deep wound, but it hurts. And you feel it go all the way in. And he steps away from you and he just shakes his head and he goes, I'm so sorry, Father. As you look into his eyes...

you remember all the horrible things that brought you to this moment. You remember coming to the forgotten realms and you being the first person to cast a spell to entangle a red cloak so that he could be defeated. You remember using your jazz ball skills to build walls of fire and stone around each other. You remember obviating the entire football game by digging in trenches and stuff. You remember using the power of your mind and your colon to

to completely immolate David Boreanaz, even as he was screaming that all he had ever wanted was for the Lord of Chaos to spill the blood of the unsung hero. And as you think about that, you remember that as the door slammed on Willie Stampler, he had cast the message spell. Oh, shit. And in this moment, you realize, as Lark mouths it in front of you, what that message was. Henry Oak is the unsung hero.

and the Lord of Chaos has just spilled his blood. Oh, shit. And suddenly you and your two children find yourselves wracked with convulsions as you all begin to vomit up a stream of blood.

Oh my god.

I stagger to my feet. I check on my boys. Are you guys all right? Are you okay? You hear a smash of glass outside. You hear car alarms blaring. Oh, God. So if you want to head outside. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the sound draws us outside, I'm assuming. I pick up my two boys and I run out the door. So Lark is like borderline catatonic, given what he just did. And Sparrow's tears are spilling down Sparrow's eyes. And as you head out into the front yard, you look up and you see what was the small cloud of static

beginning to grow larger and larger in the sky. And it begins to completely fill the sky, blotting out even the moon. You can tell it begins to encircle your entire field of vision. It begins to encircle the earth. The sky is turning this horrible black staticky color. And you know in this moment that the doodler has returned.