pride episode
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Oh my god No, this is for Ali

Oh, Ali Spagnola? No, no, no, no. This is Ali. Okay, welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. I am realizing now the comical timing of all of this, but if you listened to the last episode, I talked about doing shrooms for the first time, and through that video, I got reached out to by a spiritual guidance counselor by the name of Ali, and I've done shrooms every day since. But...

And I don't pay for anything. Wait, is that a tattoo? I don't. Well, yeah. Okay. Also, okay. So her birth name isn't Ali. Her birth name is Sarah. But Ali stands for all Libras love you because she's a Libra and she believes that within like astrology. Big Libra. Yeah. Big Libra. She believes that like Libras are top tier. But I'm okay that you guys think it's for gay people because I like gay people too. Well, you know what month it is, right? Are you aware? Yeah. It's like the gay festival month.

That's what my groomer for Azul called it. Yeah, Azul got groomed. It was really fucking weird. I know. I should have put child protection on his bum. You should have protected him, bro. Like, it was really scary. So you're an ally? Wait, I'm confused. Are you an ally or not? I am by default because I do have a lot of gay people in my life. No hate to the game. But this is for my spiritual... Why did you look at me? What? Why did you look at me when you said that?

It's your month. Yeah, look at your arm. I got my flags and I'm waiting. Should I should I call people and come out to them on this episode? I'm going to do that. Who are you going to call?

Okay, who am I going to call? Well, I did... Okay, so I wanted to wear something festive for Pride Month, though. So I wore something that... I didn't want to wear the colors because I didn't want to confuse anybody. I wanted you to go all the way and do the full rainbow. For anybody who doesn't know what this is referencing, we'll throw it up. But I don't have... I'm not kidding. I sat there for... It took me so long because for a second...

I did it with white under. And then I was like, okay, I need to do the colors because that's what makes it funny. And then... You look so fucking stupid. No, but I did... Okay, but...

Before we get into that, my outfit, I just didn't want to confuse anybody, especially with this tattoo. I didn't want to throw anybody off because people have been making that mistake, which makes sense. Because I got a discount on the tattoo because I got it on Sunday, on June 1st. And I thought he was giving me the discount because I'm a beautiful woman and it was Sunday. But no, I think he thought I was playing for that team. And I love that team. Go team. Go team.

I'm not on that team. Also, if you don't know, that's a joke. I literally just got all of my acrylics removed to get off of my dick. Oh, fuck. What was I going to say? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wait. I did do eyeshadow. Pretty. It's iridescent. The rainbow is there. The rainbow is here.

In your heart. Okay, who should I call? Thank God I didn't get the tattoo I used to really want when my boobs sat perfectly on my chest.

I wanted so badly to get a tattoo right here, bro. That would have been so fucked up. It literally would have been like when your child is growing and you're like marking on the wall. That was like line, line, line, line, line. What were you going to get? Something. Wow. Some dumb Miami shit. I was going to get like a heart or like a star. A butterfly. Or like an E. An E would be a vibe. I would still get an E. A monarch butterfly. But like I would have to get the E like more down here.

Well, the amount of happy pride text messages I got was like genuine. I'm not I am literally not joking. I got 30 of them. I'm 30. I'm literally not. People think of you. I know they really do think of me, but I'm.

Don't fucking think of me when it's regarding pride. But who were those 30 people? The 30 people is what, like, did you get any happy prides that were dead serious? I was one of them. No, they were all, they were all facetious because they know I don't play with that shit. They know. Also, is this sounds really like disruptive? I think when you do that, yeah. Not when you're just like chilling. Wait, Kai sent a picture. Kai, every single time he's out of state with someone, like,

And they're at lunch. He sends me a picture of them together and then says, we're glazing you right now. So I want to know what the glaze is about. Cause you only say we're glazing you, but like, I want to know what the conversation is. And why never me?

Because that's weird to do that to a girl. I'm not going to glaze a girl. That feels misogynistic. Wait, because to me, I'm like, wow, you guys think he's really funny and cool and awesome. Why can't that be happening for me? Because what is the glazing about? Well, me and my male friends will sometimes get together and do male pride. We'll do male pride. Or we'll just talk about other guys for hours. What did y'all talk about? Male pride. That's just gay. I can't remember what the exact thing was. I think we were just saying...

You're incredibly nice and welcoming. You're advanced, but you're very nice, which is very rare for someone to be intimidatingly cool, but also incredibly nice. Oh my God, wait. And again, we only brought that up because we were doing male pride hour. So I'm intimidatingly cool, but I'm also a good person. Yeah. I could see that because your silence from the outside doesn't seem fearful. It seems like... No, I'm listening.

when i get in big groups i realize like the reason i don't speak is because i'm listening you're too busy listening um i'm too busy trying to fill the silence because i don't want to be in a room with strangers in silence also guys y'all are gonna see my i might put on a different shirt because this is crazy i'm like sweating crazy

Oh, it is. Like, damn. You do sweat so much. Yeah, I try to tell people I sweat so much. Like, I think I'm going to get Botox all over my body so I stop sweating. I brought in a topic to talk about. You know how, like, men that jack off are called gooners? Enya's a goonette. Aw. Oh, my God. Did I say something? Um, yeah. What did I say? You just called her a goonette.

Yeah, because males are gooners. And Enya with the rose toy. I just thought with the rose toy. Yeah, but you're a straight man. You're a straight man and it's weird when you think about her doing things like that. Yeah, you're right. It's really destabilizing. Yeah, you're right. Can you compliment me a little more? Oh, yeah. You look very handsome. I always see comments of people saying that you look really handsome. I personally think you have Pedro Pascal vibes.

You wear really cool clothes. Thank you. That fit you really well. Oh, you know what? I was with my friend in New York recently and she was like,

Skinny skater boys, like the way that a shirt will fall on them, no one else. Like it doesn't, like the same shirt will not fall on other people the same way. And you kind of have that vibe. Skinny? Yeah. Like the way that shirts fall on you, you have like wide shoulders. I do have broad shoulders. I'm proud of my broad shoulders. Yeah, you do. Yeah, exactly. I used to get compliments by older men when I was younger that I had broad shoulders, like 11, 12 years old. Oh, that's like trauma. It'd be like, you have an athletic build.

Yeah, I don't know. Okay. How old were these men? I think in their 40s and 50s. Okay. Yeah, that's maybe a little bit inappropriate, actually. Yeah, that was... After I said it out loud, I was like... Because that genuinely did happen. Can I dap you up? Thank you for always keeping me in check. I think sitting in my room and getting ready to do what is my job, which was putting the word ally on my forehead...

It really was freaking me out. I can't lie. Like I got here and I was in such a good mood because originally I was going to just like stitch a little like felt thing and put it on that gold shirt. But then I remembered that picture and I was like, oh, I love that picture. I want to do that. And then once I really got to it, I was like,

Like, I don't know. It was a bit jarring. But the good news is I talked to my psychiatrist at four today. Yes. That'll be good news. And then the better news is I have my haircut tomorrow, which is after my psychiatry appointment, which is amazing. And she's doing the big chop, y'all. She's cutting it all off. Really? Well, I'm doing the Demi Lovato shave on this side. This side. And it's going to be to the ear, kind of like that one.

Always Sunny art wig, the blonde art wig. Inya's going for that look on the other half. That's going to look really good. It's going to look awesome. I'm really excited. I'm kind of nervous, but it's for free. So I think I'm just going to do it. Yeah. What? I keep looking at Inya. Because I look good or what? Is it kind of destabilizing to see me like with this on my hat? I don't know. Because I kind of think I did like an amazing job. You did great.

That also took her two hours, by the way. It did not take me two hours. Yes, it did. It took you two hours. It was two hours. He's the reason I do it. Aw, YVL. That's the pride handshake. Yeah. Oh my God, gay friend struck by lightning, Kai. That was repeated eight million times this week. That is so awesome. Like, he would literally just start doing the voice and be like, lightning, damn. Like, God.

Gay guys struck by lightning is one of the funniest things. It's so real. Also, it's two of my favorite things. Gay guys and lightning shows. Like literally best combo ever. It really does not get better than that. They need to put that on like...

somebody's like menu like you know how everybody does a matcha collab now like air one does a smoothie with everybody they need to do a gay french truck by lightning smoothie we'll make it that's gonna be my air one collab but it's gonna cost 38 dollars girl where is the pride air one smoothie they can't do that because if you mix it up it'll just turn brown like with it it'll oxidize and in three seconds it'll be like

Hungry, hungry hippo over here.

No, I really just laid in bed. I'm not even kidding. Talking to Orion and gnawed off every single one of my fingernails. And guess what? I ate every single one of them. Like swallowed? Swallowed. Bitch, I swallow period. That's 70 calories right there. I just put it into my fitness pal. But this is a thought. This is a thought I had that I was like, the world needs to know. The App Store logo...

Sucks dick and balls. And we're not having that conversation. We haven't ever had that conversation.

What is that? I know it's an A and I know it used to be paintbrushes and rulers and shit, but like now it fucking sucks. Yeah, now it looks like... And then they didn't... I never realized. And they didn't want me to realize this because now I'm bringing it to everybody's attention. Look at the other fucking logos. They all suck. All of Apple's logos suck. Apple, if you're watching this, which I know you fucking are, change the UI this month or else. Your apps are...

Okay, not too much. Don't scroll over two more. Oh, wait. Oh, we're good, actually. Wait, do you have them hidden? No, I don't, actually. I deleted them all. Oh. True's body tensing up watching you do that. I know. I'm like, what is she doing over here? Yeah, that fucking sucks. It looks like a stack of fucking pretzels. But also everything Apple does at this point is all fucked up. Like, we genuinely shouldn't. We shouldn't have gone past sidekicks. Yeah.

Sidekicks were lit as fuck. I would love that right now. I also want us to go back to like, remember that phone that was like a Blackberry, but it wasn't and it had like a screen that you could draw on and it had like a pen. Did you ever see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want that. Because when someone pisses me off, I want to like, I want someone to turn over. Did you just redownload that that quickly? What was that?

That was Grindr. It was fucking Grindr, bitch. Fuck y'all. It was fucking Grindr. I'm allowed to use Grindr. It's fucking gay pride month or whatever the fuck. In the three seconds you just brought that up, talking about talking shit about the app store and you don't like it. You went on. You read out. Yes. Eight notifications. I'm sexy fucking hot. I made a new account. Hello. Like people like really desire me. It was Kai. Kai's on his phone on the other side. Oh, sorry.

Well, yesterday I got into a car accident and it was awesome. Oh, yeah. And you crashed her fucking car again. Oh, actually? Not okay. Again. I've never crashed my car. I've never crashed my car. It is actually crazy that your car has been crashed into or other people have crashed your cars more than you've crashed your car.

Yeah, like your your car is so like your vehicle is like the one that other people crash I know I don't know what the vibe is Like people just love hitting my car, but yesterday it was kind of my fault, but also not my fault It was a hundred percent your fault. No, no, no, no, no, um To be fair it happened on the same side that guy hit my car and you kind of can't tell Um, which she hasn't gotten fixed yet. I've reminded her eight time now eight times eight time now

That doesn't make sense. It's just grammatically not correct. In what world would I get in my car on a beautiful Pride Month day and go to the car store to fix my car? Getting your car fixed is the most ally thing you can do as a woman. That is the gayest thing you can do.

no the gayest thing i could do is leave my car fucked up because i bet it's a bunch of gay people who have been hitting my car see there she goes where what's the deal with the ally tattoo on your forehead when you want to be okay i've heard that a lot they can't drive okay i've heard that a lot actually actually i've seen it all over the internet um

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But I was at the movies with my friend and we were... Can you... I can't... That's a really satisfying sound. It is so good. Dude, seriously, we have to work. It's like the pluck of a harp from the heavens. I guess this story isn't that interesting. Like I literally just hit

just hit someone's car like it's really not that crazy my dumb ass got in my car and I was with my friend at the Grove and we had decided we were gonna go eat together after this movie so we were like yes we had parked next to each other we were like let's go and I am like all of my friends are very slow movers like anytime we like carpools or not carpool every time we meet up somewhere and we both have our cars like opposite of carpool actually

Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about like, how can I double up my pollution? No, me and my friend live on different sides of town. But we were both leaving and I'm used to my friends. Like we all sit in our car for a second because we're all the type of bitches to be like, what song are we going to listen to? I'm going to look at myself and chill. So I got in my car and I plugged my phone in and I'm like looking at my phone and I have my rear view on. So like you can I can see that.

There's no one behind me right now. And I'm looking at my phone. I'm trying to figure out like putting in directions, all that. And then from like putting in direction. Right, right. More like looking up two dudes kissing. God, that sucked so fucking bad. Can we cut that, please? No, no. I'm like looking here and in my peripheral, I see like.

like a car extremely similar to hers, like backing up. Like I just see it backing up and speeding off. And then like, I don't look to my left, which was the dumbest mistake I could have made. I should have just looked to see if she was still there. But like, I'm still looking at my phone in my head. I'm like, damn, she's like getting the fuck out of here. I like, I'm, I'm following her at this point. So I'm like, oh, I should just follow her. Fuck the directions. And then I like go to back up because, and then from like this peripheral,

I see her car zooming past. I'm like, oh my God, she really is whipping the piss out of her car to get out of here. Like, I don't want to keep her waiting. I'll just follow her. So I go like, I just, without looking up, go like this. And literally within two seconds, I just feel my car slam like back. Um, and I hit her car. She killed three people. Like she's literally like,

Leaving so much out. Yeah. It's not that bad in the grand scheme of things. Three people is pretty bad. That's three more than most people have done. That's like 60 less than me, though. Period. But yeah, I guess that story isn't that funny. I just hit the fuck out of her car and I wanted to kill myself. I was so humiliated. But it was not a big deal. I don't think there was any damage. I didn't really look too long. Like,

I haven't hit a lot of people's cars, but when I do, I'm like, ooh, if I could go up to it and I go like this and the mark goes away, I'm not touching any marks. I'm like, it's good. It's good. It's okay. Okay, well, we all know this. They've been trying to make Real ID a thing for, was it 25 years now? Yeah, it's around 25 years. 25 years now.

Are you okay? I don't know what this note is. Well, read it out. Doing literally anything by getting real ID. Okay, so the concept is procrastinating over getting real ID. No, we can work with that.

Using the wing button instead of getting real ID. Well, I have something amazing to show you. This is like genuinely, I've seen a lot of things in my lifetime. I never thought I would see this. And that I use on a daily basis that I got from Walmart that I don't even know what I would do if I wouldn't go to Walmart. I don't even know if I would be happy if I wouldn't go to Walmart. He's a Walmart ally now.

Oh my god. Oh, he looks good. What? Period. He does. His skin looks good. He looks great. Like, duh. He literally is bad. That's what he's known for. You think the Walmart guy is bad? Bro, this is his legacy? He's bad.

Like, he doesn't play. Oh, I don't even know what they sell at Walmart. Aww. What is the Justin Bieber? Oh, I was just going to say, I tightened the mic so you don't have to fuck with it anymore. It should be much stiffer now. Or, well, I shouldn't have said it like that, but I fixed it. I wouldn't have noticed, but thank you. Hmm. Okay. Weird as fuck. Like, I'm serious. Oh, I went to the batting cages for Pride yesterday. Yeah.

I literally like that was a conscious thought I had. I'm like, I want to go to the batting cages for pride and let out all my anger, all my gay anger. Did it like work because you seem to be like so really upset? No, bitch. Y'all, I literally don't know what is going on with me, but I woke up furious today. I literally nothing in specific. I just woke up mad and I.

Kai did mention something about bad dreams and like it kind of destabilizing your day following. And I did have really dark sided dreams last night. So I'm going to blame it on that for now until I find the root of this anger. But oh my God, I want to punch holes in walls. Like I've never wanted to hit walls, but like I was in the fucking kitchen with Kai and I was like,

Oh my god, I want to punch the wall. I really, I get it. I see them. I saw them for the first time. I saw you, Kai. What? Punching holes in walls. That's not my vibe at all. That's actually why the ceiling in the last apartment broke. Yeah, broke is because we told Kai to stop punching holes in the wall, so he started punching holes in the ceiling. Yeah, I have anger issues, but I feel like the rest of my vibe makes up for it.

Well, I feel bad because I'm on the complete opposite. I woke up today in such a good mood. I literally woke up today with a smile on my fucking face. We do that. We really do flip-flop. You have an awful week. I have a good week. You have a good week. I have a bad week. That is soulmate shit, though, because you're there to take care of me like I was there to take care of you. And that's why you need to literally just...

Run away from all your problems and be avoidant. I know like literally i'm like girl I'm done facing my demons not actually but I do think it gets to a point where like you can only go in circles around the things upsetting you so much And that's like well now i'm gonna start taking opium again

I mean, yeah, I have been doing shrooms every day. So maybe that's what's making me so happy. Yeah, it's been really fucking scary. I just can't stop doing shrooms. I just can't stop coming. Maybe, yeah, your brain chemistry was rewritten. Yeah, I mean. Because you're feeling pretty good. Well. Says it all. Yeah, I guess you're right. But maybe the psilocybin created new neural pathways in your brain and now you're happy all the time. Y'all know the mycelial network?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Mycelium is alive. The earth is alive. Mother Nature is a real fucking thing. Trees use their root networks and their mycelial networks to warn each other that fires are coming. It's true. I feel like you've told me that before. It's a thing. And everything you say, I believe you say it is a thing. It is a thing. Hello. I love the mycelial network. So like a little bit that I play on Enya is no matter...

my phone is connected to every single Bluetooth object in this house, in our old house, my car, literally everything. And I only really do it to you. And it's only a thought that I have to do to India. But like when she like turns on a speaker in the kitchen or whatever, and my phone automatically connects to it. Like I genuinely, I don't have like a,

Like I don't think it. My body just like goes into action. And like I immediately like clock that my phone is connected to the speaker. So I go to Spotify. That's the jarring part is how quickly you realize that's exactly what happened. I know. It's weird. It is weird. And so I go and start playing fart sounds or porn sounds on the speakers. Most of the time it's fart sounds. I tried porn sounds, but I don't think they worked yesterday. Oh,

Oh, I didn't hear that. Yeah, I tried. I really tried. Because it was playing through my phone and then I got like really uncomfortable because I was like, what if Josh just hears me listening to like gay porn loud as fuck in my room? And I was like, I honestly at one point was just owning it. I was like, I don't give a fuck. Like, this is my house. I'm going to play really loud porn, but walk around. So it just sounds like I'm like... It's like a podcast. On my phone and like walking around. It's a podcast. Like I'm going to be in the kitchen doing dishes and I'm just going to have like a porn open and like...

Peeking over. Rewinding to see what you missed. I'm going to put the suction, the Octo Buddy on any surface. Why can't we watch porn on planes?

I think you can actually. Right? If a dog's next to you, because that's kind of essentially what the screen asks you. It's like, yo, before you watch this, who's sitting next to you? I saw a clip on Instagram of this like probably seven-year-old like boy sitting in the middle seat and he was watching like

cartoon or adult cartoon. I don't remember what it was, what show it was, but there was a scene in it where this like girl like tripped and fell into this dude's lap. And then she like,

I guess the funny part of it was like just started twerking on his lap. And this kid, I'm not joking, rewinded that clip like 30 times. And this woman behind her got the whole fucking thing on video. And it's like, you know, like the joke where it's like no one like moves quicker than a baby hanging up on you on an iPad. Like just like quick as fuck. That one guy that you think is hot, Kai, that like can catch things. Like that's a baby hanging up on an iPad. Right.

But it was crazy. It was robotic. I want to see that. It was robotic. Actually, I know. It would end. She would get up. The clip would end. And then she would go boop. Or he would go boop. And rewind it back the perfect amount. And if he would rewind it back too far. On the plane? On the plane. And if he would rewind it back too far. Kids don't give a fuck. But I guess he's a kid. He has no idea like.

He's not thinking like, oh, people are going to think anything of this. He's just like, whoa. Yeah, he's like, whoa. What the fuck was that? But she said she told his mom in the comments because everyone was like, you better have told his mom. And she was like, I did tell his mom because it was four times too many. He did it so many times.

But to answer your question, yes, I watch porn on airplanes. I think it is legal. But the only reason why is because I remember when I was like 12, I was at the library and a guy was watching porn on a computer. And I was like, sorry, Kai. No, it's OK. I mean, this was 1968. It wasn't 1968. It was not even close. It wasn't even close to that. Not too much on the guy. It was different.

I walked up to the librarian and I was like, he's watching porn. And she said, yeah, that's fine. You're allowed to do that. And I was like, what are you talking about? She said, yeah, that there's actually legally nothing that we can do about that.

Whoa. But that's what that one librarian said. So I don't know if that's changed. Or she's down. She's like, fuck it. Let him go crazy. I want to see what he... I'm into what he's watching. I want to see what he's watching. I want to get into it. I'm into it. No, that is fucking insane. Like, but I guess it's kind of like the thing that like...

If you catch someone shoplifting at a lot of stores, you're not allowed to do anything. So I wonder if there is a weird legality. It's like how there's weird loopholes to all the freak shit bitches want to do because bitches are freaky and nasty. No kink at Pride.

Is that a thing? I think so. Really? Mm-hmm. That's like a movement. Do you guys know what aftercare is? Hell no. What is that? That shit sounds weird as fuck. I actually don't know. Aftershave? Aftercare? Like after sex care? Yeah. Why would you do that? If you throw just a rotten moldy towel at the person, and that's aftercare, and then you tell them to get the fuck out. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say, usually it's like...

That way. That's great. Well, you know what? Aftercare is for me. I will pull out my acoustic guitar and start playing a personalized song for my sexual partner. Dude, I'm not kidding. I am not kidding. I am not kidding. I think I would stab you. I think I would stab any person who did that. If somebody actually... Like, I think I would just leave. I would be so... Like, that to me is such a threat in a way that I genuinely can't describe. Fuck, what were we talking about this week? We were talking about the Breaking Bad lady house. Okay.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay, y'all. So, I mean, we've all seen it by now, but the lady at the Breaking Bad house is the realest bitch on this fucking planet. I need to go kick in her. I need to hang out with her. Like, no cameras. Like, I really just want to pick her brain. No cameras, chair, beer can. Beers, like, cigarettes, like, all of it. Because I know, like, she has the craziest takes of any human being on this fucking planet. Like...

Like literally just her psyche is so fascinating to me because like you'd think at some point she would just be like, whatever, like it's not that deep. But now she literally sits in her front yard all,

all fucking day long yelling at people taking pictures of her house which like respect like I wouldn't want people taking pictures of my house but like spraying them with water hoses like throwing rocks at them like I don't know if she throws no I love I'm obsessed with the water hose I'm so fucking obsessed with

that. No, she's so real. Like she like she she has the time like that's the thing is she has it and she executes. I both understand and don't understand because to me it's like, well, you moved into the most famous house on TV. But then I also understand because, oh, I just saw Breaking Bad like two years ago. Maybe the bitch didn't give a fuck about Breaking Bad.

It was like if you told me that I was buying an apartment in front of Abbey Road two years ago, I would have been like, who's Abbey? This is not her road. I'm moving in. This is my crib now. And I would have been so mad. I also would be mad if randomly there's hella bitches on the street all the time. Like,

Wow, the house is listed for sale for $4 million when it's closer to value of $350K. She's literally doing it. She's fierce. I love her. Seriously, if we put some of that delusion in ourselves, I genuinely think we would be further. I just don't have that kind of motivation for anything. I just don't love myself. I mean, me either, but you know. No, I literally hate myself. Really? Yeah. You're a dead ass? Dead ass. Dead ass.

That's fucking crazy. Well, I love you.

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babbel.com slash Spotify podcast spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Spotify podcast. Rules and restrictions may apply.

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I need to see the video of her. I like need it. I'm like shaking. I'm withdrawing from the video of her. I'm trying to find out how much she got paid to live or to rent out her house for that because like, I mean, she's retired since before. I think she might have bought the house. I don't know. Hi, we need to talk to her.

Oh, wait. This article, quote unquote, we're done. Owner of Walter White's house in Breaking Bad puts it on market for $4 million. We're done. Turn it into an Airbnb. Like, what? Like, literally, Airbnb that bitch out there did that with the Call Me By Your Name house. And, like, I'm sure they fucking retired off of that. I want to go to that house so fucking bad. Y'all, I literally started crying not even watching Call Me By Your Name, but just thinking about it.

Thinking about it. Unrequited love does something to me that like I genuinely like, oh my God, I want to rip my fucking heart out of my goddamn chest. I love unrequited love, but I hate it. The yearning. The yearning. No, I've decided I hate yearning. I don't want to yearn. I don't want to yearn anymore. I'm different. Well, I think there's like different levels to yearning. I think the general...

has now assumed that yearning has to be negative, but I'm like, yearning can be fun. But yearning, I think, is usually fun when it's yearning on both sides. I'm fucking crazy. Well, yeah, that is the problem. That's why you don't like yearning is because you're not yearning. You are literally losing your fucking mind. I'm a crazy person, y'all. Like, you really think it's a bit, but, like, no, like, I'm genuinely fucking crazy. Like...

He's not. I guess you have. No, I'm not. You don't do crazy actions. You have crazy person thoughts. Yeah. You can convince yourself of everything. That's why you need to meet Ali. Spag? No, Sarah. I'll call her Sarah so you don't get confused. Ali Spagnola is my queen. Come on the pod. I really want to pick your brain. I actually would love to talk to her. I literally like...

I don't know if I've talked about this publicly before, but like she literally means something to me.

And I feel weird saying this because we go to the same gym and she sees me and I think she's scared of me. But I am obsessed with this woman in a way that like I've never been obsessed with another creator. I mean, yeah, for you and Josie, it's... I'm gay, don't worry. For you and Josie, it's like... It's how I feel about like Evan and Caitlyn or like even like a Safiya video. Like I watch like certain people genuinely because I'm just like, wow, you bring me like a comfort. And I also like falling asleep to your content. I love her ideas. But that's the difference. I like falling asleep to those like people and you...

You know what? I'll give it. Thank you. It's like I... Thank you. No, I don't. Just vote. Just vote. Just vote. No, I love stag. What were we talking about before I derailed the conversation like usual? Oh, yearning crazy person thoughts. No, I don't do crazy things. That's embarrassing. If you do crazy things, you're fucking embarrassing. Get a grip on fucking reality. But I can convince myself...

of realities that do not exist better than I think anybody else on this planet. Like I, I really like the thoughts that I have in my head become so real. And there's even a part of my brain where I'm like, I am fucking crazy and I know this is crazy and I'm making all of this up.

But I still believe it. I still believe it. Well, yeah. I don't... Well, at this point, I don't know what you believe. Like, I'm not even kidding because it's so confusing to keep up where your brain lands on it. Where your brain lands on anything because you...

You go back and forth. But it's just because you're indecisive in nature already. And I'm indecisive, but I'm more willing to be impulsive. You're not. You're indecisive and you are literally held down by like... It is... Trump wants to put that anxiety dome over the US. If he really wants to protect the US, he needs to put Drew's anxiety dome over the US. No, I'd have this bitch... Because everyone who comes up to him... I'd run this bitch like a lesbian behind a McDonald's counter. Like, put me in the office. Yeah.

what the fuck was I going to say? I think you just like, I guess I just need to get on medication, but I really like, I don't do it. Don't put me on meds. Like literally I'm going to stab you with a syringe of wellbutrin. I would, I honestly do that at some point. I'm a stab you in the fucking brain with a blunt force object. I'm from the Bronx. That's all right. What is it? I'm from Brooklyn. That's all right.

The Australian dude who's claiming he's from Brooklyn. He's even from New Zealand. I always mix up Australian and New Zealand because to me, the accent sounds so similar. I have trade in New Zealand. When I pull up to New Zealand, I'm not even kidding. When the fuck are you going to New Zealand? How long have they been waiting? I was planning a through hike pre-pandemic. I got trade in New Zealand. So they've been waiting this year. Yeah, no, since 2019. Yeah.

I have him on a short lease too. I'm like, oh, if you hook up with anybody else, I'll kill you. Guys, I'm joking. He's not joking. I watched him send that text message before the episode started. And when he didn't get a response, he said, hello, I know you read those. He sent it with the invisible effect too. Milky, milky. What the fuck? Dude, I'm just like, I'm so rotted by Jonas right now.

Who? Jonas. Air cut, air cut. I want to go to one of his comedy shows so fucking bad. His sets kill me. We should go to the next one. When are they? I know there was one on Friday and I wanted to go, but I had obligations. I forgot what I was going to say. Hold on. Oh, hi. It's true. I just wanted to let you hear my voice for the first time over the app. Yes. Was that a... Was that...

God damn it. That was the guy? Yeah, that was his response. He sounds like Lady Gaga's bodyguard. What does that mean? You know. Seriously, what does that mean? She... I know you want to make bad dudes home around...

I know you want me to bat. Turn around. That's not her actual bodyguard. No, it is. The vocalist in the song. Yes. What song is that? I don't know. But like, why would you think that? No, it is. It is. It is. It is. Hold on. I can't lie. The only bodyguard lore I've like relatively kept up with is Beyonce. Yeah. Famously. That's her bodyguard.

You have Ally tattooed on your fucking forehead and you don't know that? It's fucking Ally. It is Ally. Spag. I didn't get it tattooed with the colors with that in mind. Every other month of the year, no one is going to think it says that word. It's only in June. Right. And if anything...

Maybe I'll get a discount everywhere I go because it's been happening. I've gotten a lot of free coffees in Echo Park. Yeah. Alfred's. Alfred's hooked it up. They sent two bags of coffee today. Drew, I did want to bring up something that I think you might find interesting, which is that they're building brains to they're making computers out of real brain cells now. I've been seeing this. Yeah. Keeping up.

Yeah, and they're planning on building a huge server in the United States, which is... Out of human brains? It's going to be human brain cell...

Are they taking the tissue from people or are they? I don't know. I don't know. But this is like real. This is happening and they put it on like. Imagine they take your brain tissue and it like splits your personality. I think it's like from a real brain cell and then they like clone it. I don't know. Whose brain cell? They need to take mine. I will literally give them mine. I'm not even kidding. They can like go in and take it. They'll be gay supercomputers. Yeah. Instead of.

Oh, wait. No, wait. We need to workshop this right now, y'all. Okay, super intelligent. No, we need to workshop this because, you know...

I got it. I got it. Computer speaking binary. The gay computer speaks in non-binary. Wow. That cooked. Wow. That was good. That cooked. I know you feel better now. I know that shit just let you out. The thing is, I genuinely think we need to back the fuck up because what are you even talking about? Like, what? That shouldn't be happening. And I think I'm going to...

Start ordering a bunch of random chemicals and then mix them up and get my pilot's license similar to Nathan Fielder. But really what I'm going to do is put all of those random chemicals into the back of my private plane because I will be allocating the funds to buy a small personal flyer jet. That's going to take you 30 years, babe.

No, I have my ways. I have whole. So it's going to get. Oh, trust and believe it's going to get done. We're going to leave a poll in the comments. Should Inya start selling whole for me?

To give me money. You don't pay me. No, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, no, you pay me. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, you sell whole. At this point, you make me pay you. Oh my God. It's because you don't have to bring this up fucking publicly, bro. Is that not weird? I don't think we should talk about it on the podcast. I feel like it's not appropriate. Is that not weird though? It is weird. That I have to pay to have sex with my partner?

It's weird, but again, I don't think we should... This isn't the right platform to talk about it. And he has sex with a bunch of other people and he makes them pay him too. Women, not people. Women. Let's make that very clear. Just to be clear. I really want us to go on like an old show. Like, you know, when they would get like...

Back in the golden age when they would get celebrity couples on live TV and have them duke it out publicly like in an interview setting. I need that for me. We would literally cook. We would fry America.

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you safe. Go to selectquote.com slash Spotify pod today to get started. Have you seen the couples therapy show? Yes, we were just talking about it. Did you watch the Polly one? No, not yet. It's so good. Oh wait, I think I did get to that and I was like, it's so fucking funny.

Really? I was like, this is really interesting. And maybe this is something that I'm interested in is doing this. No, CT is like, I think I, I think I have a poly bone in my body, but I am also super territorial. And if,

The person I'm with hooked up with someone, I would kill both of them. The poly bone in my body is I'm a slut. Yeah, you're... That's the poly bone in my body. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like I just don't give a fuck. Like, what? I don't think I could do it, honestly. I don't think I have the mental fortitude for that. I don't. I would actually... It would be... There is no world where I think I have the mental strength to remove sex from...

of like intimacy and admiration and like what it means to me. There's no world. Like what? I like decided I don't give a fuck about sex. I really don't care. That's cool. That's good.

I mean, to go from like the kind of slut you were to that is genuinely proof that anything can happen. The gay computer is right here. To go from flying to New Zealand to have sex to not having sex or even enjoying it. No, not even. He was going to fly to New Zealand and do a backpacking trip. Yeah. And fuck random people. A through hike. Yeah.

A through hike of trade. My trade through hike. This was real. I'm not kidding. Honestly, like if there was a gorgeous, like, because that would be gorgeous. Like backpacking through New Zealand sounds. It's the most beautiful hike in the world. But there's a bad bitch every couple of miles. Bitch, I'm getting it done in record time. I'm literally doing it. Sprinting to the next one.

Yeah, I would sprint there to save time on the walk and then take like a 30 minute power nap and then wake up and like brush my teeth in the backyard with like one of those like Amazon ass like to go toothbrushes. Drew, where did you go? To his trade. Yeah. He went into the depths of his mind to think about. Astral projecting to hook up with your trade. We're so back.

That curing you is so funny. All I need is three seconds. Laying back, thinking about my trade. It'll ground me. Can I have your arm band, Kai? Yeah, of course. Wait, Kai, before. Hey, you dropped a bunch of stuff. That feels good when we do that. It was so easy to get that off of my slender arm. It kind of fell off, actually. It's okay.

Oh my god, Kai, you're a fucking monster. He couldn't find the right thumb hole and he ripped through. No, I swear I found the right hole. He literally ripped through on the other side. I seriously can't find the right hole. That's not true. I guess that's Kai's vibe. I have a 100% success rate with finding the right hole. Everybody keep that in mind if you're interested in Kai. That's not real. They look good. I really liked how my arm looked in that. I have one hole and Kai can't find it. You have more than that.

He what? He has more than one. What are you doing? Why are you muffled? Oh, for the audio listeners, Kai had Drew's balls in his mouth. Mm-hmm. They're really long. Do you think it'd be a funny bit if I was doing whippets during, and then sometimes I would respond and it's like a really deep voice. And I'm cooked. I actually would love that, dude. I'm not kidding. Like,

I'm a few scrolls away on my iPhone from meth. I'm just a few scrolls away. I will say meth is one of the drugs that I am interested in. Let's do meth together, Kyle. I'm serious. I would fucking love that.

Sorry, I need to chill out. I know, you kind of lit up. Whenever I look up stories of what people do on meth, I'm like, this is cool. This sounds fun, actually. Building a bicycle out of computer parts. Let's do meth and build. Me and Kai are going to exit the home we do meth in, literally with a production company on our new. They paint their walls in tally marks. That sounds lit as fuck. Like...

No, I genuinely think I would be completely addicted to meth. I'll watch you do meth. I'll be your meth trip sitter if you want to do meth. Oh, that's really sweet. Yeah, I'll take care of you. I just don't find this funny. As a previous meth user in a past life. In a past life. I've done meth before on accident. Well, one of my alters does meth a lot and it actually upsets me because this is my body too. Girl, that's you. You can't blame your addiction on an alter.

It really upsets us. Well, one of Drew's altars is ran through. And so he... Well, guess. That's how you Drew compartmentalize. Like what? One of Drew's altars has a thousand bodies. One of my altars was planning a trip to New Zealand. That was not me. I just saw one of the Metro cars drive by. The Metro Ubers.

Oh, I haven't seen those. Yeah. So you're lying because I didn't see it. It was a micro. It drove by. There's not even... I'm not kidding, guys. We're not in a room with a window. I don't know what the fuck Drew's talking about. He's like looking at a wall right now. One of my alters is obsessed with public transportation. One of your alters is outside. Yeah. Guys, we know. Like, we know. We get to see Kai tomorrow. Kai, doesn't that make you happy, bro? That does make me happy. I'm very lonely. Oh. Are you actually?

No. I was going to say, I feel like you're always around people. Men tend to isolate as they get older. You can't just read off Uber facts. That was a tweet that I made for my pro-male Twitter account.

Or X, sorry. My followers like when I call it X instead of Twitter. They get really mad when I call it Twitter. Is that like a thing? I think so, yeah. 100% a thing. I think there's like evil people that are like, basically don't dead name Twitter. Yeah.

Does anybody use threads? We'll see. No, I don't think so. Dude, I don't know. I feel like if I met someone and they had like an abundant life that they were living via thread, I would be really, really like. That's a scary motherfucker. Because like they kind of, it's hard to get in there. That's a dangerous motherfucker. Like you need a whole other app. You can't get up. You need the fucking app.

to get on there. I'm not getting the app. Instagram does get me. They get me. They put really fascinating topics that are being talked about on thread. The fascinating topics in question is like...

Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes video for 2020 of them walking during the video. Yeah, no, it's literally like slime. Like that's a fascinating topic. But no, it's like it'll be like a graphic and then like some text and they have ellipses at the end. And it's like, oh, I want to know what the end of that says. And I click on it thinking it'll just open it up. But I don't have that shitty fucking app on my phone. They tried it.

And I never get to see. I never, ever, ever get to see. I haven't met anybody who uses it. You seem like you would have a Threads account. I don't have a Threads. Oh, I have one for the week that people were on it. Look at my Discover page. It's all male plastic surgery for those who are curious. Oh, is that what this is? I was like, what am I looking at? I don't really understand.

Oh, it is a lot of like, ew, like it's actually so annoying. Like how do men take everything from women? Like seriously, now you guys are taking over the ED space. Like women can't fucking have anything. Like I'm not even kidding. You guys can't even let us have the thing that you put on us and destroyed us with. Like, oh, now you want to come up in the game and make some money off of your diet plan. Yeah. Yes.

When is the man, like, when is there going to be a man who really gets in and starts, like, the Avon and Mary-Kate foreman? But there has to be something like that with protein shakes. I know there's some of y'all who are paying way too much for protein shakes or something from some random person. Literally me. My media of the week is, honestly, I've been listening to, like, the same shit over and over. Taco Truck X Venice Bitch by Lana Del Rey. This is a driving song.

No one knows it, but that's like the song you drive to. No one knows it. Everyone knows it. That's my media.

My media is I Love You, Secretly, The Miracles, and Marvin Gaye, Hold Tight, Lucid, Centipede, Rebby Jackson, She Is Mine, The Psychedelic First, Tomorrow, The Brothers Johnson, and movies, movies, movies. I really can't remember what movie I watched the other day. It was my first. Oh, Thelma and Louise. Oh, so good. That's my media of the week. Cereal is good as hell every 200 weeks. Yeah.

That is so real. I've been on a big cereal kick. I love cereal right now. I love raw dogging cereal. Oh. The more the market rate influx cyber secure. Mr. Sterling's right. I'd like to bring this post out of the woodworks every time. Fuck, dude. Listening to someone else's phone. Not the watcher. It's like the most eerie shit ever. Like, man.

They got us. They literally got us. They got us. They isolated all of us. Families don't watch movies in the living room anymore. They're all too busy watching shows crafted for them to separate them. Yeah, people watch porn alone now. It's very sad. Like, seriously, what is wrong with you? You actually need to see help. Like, you need to see help. I was adding on to your point. That made a lot of sense. Which one of us is in a ham? Either way is good with me. You. Bye.

You're dying.