me, myself and i
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Okay, I guess we're really doing this. I'm nervous. I'm so nervous. Okay, hi guys. My name's Shannon and this is my beautiful girlfriend. Kidding. I'm kidding. It's just a joke. It's just a joke. 🎵

Hi guys, my name is Shannon Beveridge. I am your host of X's and O's, a podcast about queer relationships and sex. Who's excited? This podcast will be filmed from my bed, from my bedroom. It's giving 2016 YouTube and if you've been here since then, thank you so much. I am shocked and also grateful that you stuck around through so many ups and downs, many, many hiatus from you

YouTube, but I am back. And if you're just listening to this, then hi to Spotify or iTunes or Apple, whatever, wherever you're listening. But if you're watching, hi to my YouTube channel that has pretty much laid dormant since like 2020. I'm really, really excited for this podcast to bring my YouTube channel back and to be on camera again. And just to connect to you guys in general, it's been...

Too long, some may say. Too, too long. I would say it's been too long. And I'm really grateful that this podcast is giving me an intro back to YouTube because I really miss y'all. And as intimidating as it is to stare down the barrel of a camera for the first time, really, in years, it also is weirdly nostalgic and something I loved and something I owe so much of my life to now. So

To go back to it, how exciting. A little nerve-wracking, but also super exciting. So if you're looking at me right now,

Hey, and if you're just listening, also, hey. If you're new here, my name is Shannon Beveridge. I have been making content online for over 10 years. I started on Tumblr, which does in fact probably age me, but the truth is that I am 31 years old, so I know I look like a teenage boy, but I am in fact 18.

31 year old woman shocker just to give you the shortest recap of my life I am from Dallas, Texas I joined a sorority and when I was in my sorority I started to document my coming-out process the rest is kind of history I've been online since then creating content for a queer audience and

Talking a lot about coming out, sharing relationships that I've had, and I've had a few. And yeah, so yeah. That's the title of the podcast, X's and O's. If you were confused, because some people were, the O's in X's and O's does in fact stand for orgasms. Yes, believe it or not. The X's I do believe is more self-explanatory than the O's, but yeah.

Something I never really talked that much about on my channel has been sex. And I think for the beginning of my career, that's mostly because everyone felt sort of young and I felt young. And I was like also really learning a lot about sex when I first started YouTube. I was not not secure in talking about topics like that.

But it's been a while now, and I do know that my audience is also growing up with me. And I just feel like there's not that much content for the queer girls out there where we're talking candidly about sex. I think a lot of people have this idea that I'm super prude. I gave people all the reason to think that because usually when sex comes up or when it has come up, either on YouTube channels or other podcasts I've been on,

I tend to get a little shy or like coy about it.

And I think it's just because I've never really talked about it. So it's like a whole new world of sharing. But yeah, in my real life, in my day to day, when I'm talking to friends and family, family, I don't know about that. When I'm talking to friends, I'm not like the shyest person, the way that you may or may not, I don't know, assume that I have seemed. Yeah, I can talk about these things. Okay, trust me.

And we are going to talk about them. Before I get too deep into the episode, I just want to say a quick shout out to the sponsor of this episode, Tomboy X. I'm currently wearing a tank top from them. So stoked to have this brand on board for this podcast and we'll get more into them later in the episode. Also, before we get too deep into anything, I just want to say a huge, huge thank you to anyone who subscribed before this episode even came out.

If you were one of the people who subscribed just off my 50 second trailer, I was completely and totally blown away by the response I got and by the charting that we were able to do. I think we may have peaked at number 30 of overall podcasts in the USA, which is insane for a 50 second trailer. Y'all are amazing. And clearly, I don't know, maybe you wanted this podcast to happen, which is crazy.

What a relief. Thank you again. Really, truly blew me away. Obviously, the response numerically has been wild and I'm so, so grateful and stoked. The response comment-wise has also been very interesting. A wide array of responses from people. Everything from spill the tea, Shannon, to...

don't spill the tea, Shannon, and take the high road to this coming from a girl who says she hates drama, which I didn't know that...

insinuating that I didn't appreciate a song an ex-girlfriend wrote about a current girlfriend of mine and name dropping that current girlfriend of mine was synonymous with I hate drama. But that is a topic I do want to talk more about. Maybe not in today's episode, but we will be talking about it. If you did listen to my 50 second trailer, then you do know that this podcast does intend to have guests. Obviously today I am all by myself.

That's mostly because I just wanted to go into a little more depth about what this podcast is and seeing the reactions that it got. Clearly, people are not 100% sure what that is. So I thought I'd just sit down by myself today, explain it a little bit more, and then also answer a few questions from people just to show y'all that I am intending on being a

honest and talking about things I haven't talked about in the past, which honestly at this point is not that hard because I basically haven't said much of anything in the last three years. And a lot has happened, obviously, in three years. So I just wanted to give a more glorified trailer almost today. So that's what you're getting from me, myself, and I all by myself. I also mentioned in my trailer that

you may or may have noticed I've taken a few steps back from the internet in the last few years. I think for a lot of reasons. The pandemic obviously I think affected so many people in so many ways

One of the ways it affected me is I just really, I don't know, I got, sharing got a lot scarier and so much of what I have built and so much of what I have is because of my vulnerability that I had when I was younger and how like open I was online. And as I got older, it just got, I don't know, there was a lot of feedback. There's a lot of critique. Something happened where I just, I don't know, I kind of like didn't want anyone to know anything about me for a minute.

And in that time, I also took a step behind the camera, which was a really exciting, fun, beautiful adventure that's not over. But I never intended for that to sacrifice me in front of the camera. I wanted to find...

a balance of both. I definitely have not found it yet, but I think that this podcast is a step in the right direction of getting to create content, but also getting to share and share my own voice again. Speaking of guests,

Who do y'all want to see on the podcast? I have seen a few recommendations. I think some are kind of obvious who you are hoping to see and hear from. But if you continue to comment, maybe you'll see some of those people online.

on the pod. Could get really interesting and stressful, but interesting nonetheless. I could not be more excited that the first sponsor of X's and O's is a queer-founded and queer-owned business, Tomboy X. They have sponsored the entire video and I'm so so appreciative

If you don't know them, Tomboy X creates sustainable, size and gender inclusive underwear, swimwear and loungewear. They make everything from bikinis, briefs, boy shorts, compression tops and underwear for tucking and packing. And they run from sizes 3XS to 6X, which is boss.

This tank top I'm wearing today is from Tomboy X and I love it because I don't have to wear a bra with it because it has built-in support, which is kind of the best thing in the whole entire world because I hate wearing bras and it's cute. Supporting them helps support my podcast. So go to www.tomboyx.com slash Shannon for 20% off the entire website.

So just to bring it back to spill the tea, don't spill the tea, take the high road, that whole conversation. I just want to say this by no means is a gossip podcast. I'm not here to talk badly about people. I'm not here to slander anyone's name. I genuinely just want to share my experiences and I'm not here to slander anyone's name.

I've had a lot. And if you also read the blurb or bio about this podcast, you may have read that I'm going through my third public breakup. Yes, it is true. I am single for the first time in what feels like kind of like nine years. Nine years? Could be ten, honestly. A long time. I'm currently actively going through a breakup, so...

It's very sad. It's not something I was trying to make super light of, although it is kind of my sense of humor to make light of serious situations because that makes them less real and less scary to me. But yes, you may have noticed starting a few months ago that there is a lack of a girlfriend presence going on on my social media. And that is because I am single. Shannon Beveridge, single. Who thought they'd see the day?

Me, myself, and I. In more ways than one, I guess. I understand that maybe some people wouldn't want to take advice from someone who has been through three...

Big, big, big, big breakups. But at the same time, I'm like, I'm just a girl dating in her 20s, now 30s, but my last relationship started in my 20s. I think it's not that weird to have three relationships in your 20s. Obviously, some people get lucky and one of those relationships is a forever relationship. That has not been my experience so far. But I had three really beautiful relationships in some ways.

I'm proud of myself. Like they were great relationships. I learned so much. I think a relationship is such a mirror to yourself and like such a good way to learn about yourself. I do feel like I need to not be in one for a minute. So that's the journey I'm on right now. I can't do what I've done a million times before, which is jump into another relationship. Yes.

I do know that about myself. I do see the pattern, okay? I'm working on it. But this podcast is a long time coming. It's something I have been creatively working on for over a year. I had many different ideas of podcasts I wanted to create. It was like the more...

I overthought it. Just nothing was coming to me naturally. Nothing felt organic. Nothing felt like something I actually wanted to sit down and record every week. I guess in a lot of ways, my breakup was a catalyst for creating this version of this podcast because I feel like I have a lot to talk about. I have a lot to contribute in a relationship conversation because I have had

such intense relationships. I've had such intense breakups. And yeah, I like there's, I know a lot, although wouldn't, you wouldn't think since it's not working out for me, but it's something I've always wanted to talk about. But when I'm within a relationship, my partner's feelings are almost above my own. And when I was in a relationship talking about anything relating to like ex-partners, that's just kind of like, I don't know, maybe you can relate or maybe you can't. But

But sensitive. Those are sensitive topics. And when I was dating, it didn't seem like something that would be accessible to talk about or something that I would be allowed to talk about for my own standards. Not because I had anyone telling me, like, you can't talk about things. No one has ever said that to me. It's just my own standards.

the way I operate, the way I think about things. I just felt, you know, like I had to put other people's feelings at least at the same level as my own. Whereas the fact that I'm single now, it's like the first time in nine, 10 years, whatever, where I feel like I can put my own feelings first.

which is really scary. It's a very scary feeling for me. My comfort level is to put everyone above myself so that I don't have to think that much about me because I stress myself out. I prefer to handle everyone else's feelings over my own, which is obviously not a positive thing and something I need to work on and probably did not contribute to healthy parts of my relationships, I would assume.

See, I'm a little self-aware. Anyways, I'm really, really, really, really excited for this podcast. I miss the community that I built and I know that y'all are still there and I feel like I've just been not feeding you and maybe you're hungry or I guess in my case, thirsty.

You need a beverage? Okay, please forget that I said that. Thank you. Let's move on. I hope that kind of clears up what this podcast is about. It's not a drama podcast. It's not... I'm not here to talk badly about people. If you thought that ever, then you clearly don't know me that well.

But I still want it to be a really interesting podcast, and I will be talking about things that I'm sure you want to hear about and I haven't talked about in the past. I'm just not going to be doing it in a malicious way or in a way that is seeking to hurt anyone's reputation or reputation.

life. It's just really not my vibe. So I am a person who's experienced a lot of interesting, weird, different things than maybe everyone else. And I know you guys have been watching from the outside, looking in for a long time and getting very, very little information from myself in turn than creating your own narratives for what's going on, which it's interesting to watch, honestly, from my perspective, because sometimes it's

Y'all are right. And sometimes y'all are so fucking wrong. It's hilarious. We're going to set some things straight, which straight is kind of usually something I don't use to describe myself. But for this podcast, we're going to be setting some things straight. Gay. Gayly straight.

Straightly gay. I don't know. I wanted to just scratch the surface of a few things, but I also asked y'all for some questions over on my Instagram @nowthisisliving and now I'm gonna answer some of the questions that I chose and I chose them myself and when you hear what they are I'm like, why did I do this to myself? But in the sake of being honest and in the sake of showing you guys the vibe of what this podcast will be and things I do plan on talking about I tried to pick some that are like a little juicy, a little interesting.

So let's get into it. The first question is, have you found similarities between your exes? Interesting question. I would say there are some physical similarities between my exes, some like features that I find attractive on girls that seem to have through lines within my relationships. I think if there was like a Venn diagram of all three of them, there would be things that are similar and in the center alike.

Of all three circles. Can a Venn diagram have three? I think. Whatever. Imagine there's three circles. There would be things that are the same in the center. Namely, probably like senses of humor. Like everyone I've dated has always had like a funny sense of humor. Everyone I've dated cares about family. Everyone I dated has been...

Is that the only two things? No, there's more. There's more. But yeah, there's similarities between them. And then there's also huge, huge differences between them. All the girls I like usually have like nice lips and like pretty eyes. So yeah.

Moving on. How do you work on fully processing a breakup instead of just avoiding it? What a wonderful question and seems to be an answer I have yet to find clearly. I think in the past my choice has been usually to avoid it, which I am this time trying so hard not to do. I'm trying to really look at my last relationship, see where I was a problem,

and see where things kind of like got derailed first and taking that into account for any future relationship I have. I think the most important thing after a breakup is to sit with it and really think about it and really think about your relationship.

Think about the ways that you didn't show up for that relationship. Think about the ways that your partner didn't show up in that relationship in ways that you wanted them to. Maybe write some lists down. Write lists down about what are like non-negotiables in your future relationships. That's something I've been trying to think on. I think in the past, I tended to just not think about it at all. I would kind of disassociate and then just jump into another relationship, which is...

Bad. Bad, bad, bad. I'm a bad girl and I know it. My advice would be to really sit with it and reflect on it and try to see it for what it was, which I think you need to do by not looking at it with rose-colored glasses, but also not looking at it through whatever the opposite of rose-colored glasses would be. Just seeing it for what it really was.

And also talk to people about it. Talk to a therapist about it, but also talk to friends about it. Talk to your family about it. Get people's perspectives. It's interesting when you break up with someone, people will really tell you what they felt about your relationship. People will be honest with you if you ask them to be.

And I think a lot of growing can come from that. A lot of healing can come from that by talking, talking it out with friends and family who were there for it and who saw it and could see it maybe in a way you couldn't see it. It's hard when you're in a relationship to see it like with 20-20 vision. It's hard even when you're out of the relationship to see it with 20-20 vision. And I think sometimes family and friends have a little bit

clear perspective. They can also have a bad perspective. So be careful who you talk to because some friends and family will like

steer you wrong but you have to know the people you can trust you have to know the friends that are the ones that are like gonna shoot you straight we're really shooting straight today what's going on with all the straight I don't I'm uncomfortable let's move on is it weird to stalk and exit social media even though you know it won't help your healing process well I don't think it's weird but I think it's weird in general that we have social media and that we can stalk exes I think it's a really unfortunate thing that our generations are having to deal with

A big part of me wishes I was growing up in the 90s and dating in the 90s and if I didn't want to see someone I could just avoid them and wouldn't have to like tell myself don't watch their story, don't watch their story. But that's not the truth. That's not the reality that we're living in. Weird, I don't think. Helpful, also don't think helpful. No, it's not helpful. And it will just continue to hurt your feelings. That's the thing. It's easier said than done though to not look.

I have a lot of self-control in these ways. Sometimes I'm able to like not look at things. I'm not, I'm not really in that stage right now in my current breakup. Definitely still looking, which got to get better about, got to get better about. It's hard though. It's really hard not to look. Breakups are horrible. It's like,

grieving someone who's still alive. So sometimes just seeing them on social media, it's like a nice reminder that they exist. I think it gets to a point where you really have to stop. You have to stop looking because it will just hurt your feelings unless they're really cringy. And then sometimes that helps. But you didn't hear that from me.

Why is sex so good in a toxic relationship? Of course, a lesbian would ask me that question or bisexual girl or a straight person. However, I kind of doubt many of my asked box was coming from straight girls, but no judgment.

No judgment at all. This podcast is for everyone. Probably will make more sense to lesbians and queer people in general. But straights, come one, come all. Not heterophobic. As someone who has kind of experience in this way, good sex in a toxic relationship, I think...

That the sex is good because when your relationship gets to a toxic place, one of the only ways that you're really connecting with your partner is physically. So the sex can become better as the emotional part of the relationship becomes worse. But the weird thing for me, or like something I was just talking to a friend about the other day, is the sex is good, but then everything else like seeps in like...

right after you have sex, you know? All the things that aren't working are so clear the next morning when you wake up. It could be like the silliest thing, just the way that they talk to a barista or something that you're like, oh my gosh, yeah, I'm not happy right now, or this isn't good right now. And like all the negative feelings start to seep in. And then the sex honestly feels worse the next day too, when you start to think about it, because you're like,

What am I doing? This is not satisfying me in like totality. It's satisfying one little part of my life, but it's not satisfying me as a person fully. It gets sadder and sadder. Yeah, so the toxic sex just, it gets worse. It does get worse. And then eventually you just crash. I don't recommend it, but it is really hard to stop, I will say. Do you believe in the right person at the wrong time? Personally, no.

No, I genuinely believe that we meet people when we're supposed to and they teach us the lessons that they're supposed to when they're supposed to. I think thinking in that kind of way just romanticizes relationships that weren't really meant for you.

And also at the end of the day, keep you stuck and keep you from moving forward in your life and keep you from seeing other potential partners as like the right person because you have this thought process that you already met the right person and you're just waiting for them. I don't believe in waiting for people. I think that that is wrong. I think...

When you break up with someone, you shouldn't wait for them. You shouldn't tell them to wait for you. I think it's a very selfish way of communicating with someone that you, if you're saying that, clearly love. So yeah, I don't believe in right person, wrong time. This person said, the pressure of not being married and being single at 27 has me stressed. Girl, I'm 31.

And single. And I too am stressed. No. Well, yes, I am. I am stressed. I have to admit that going through the breakup I'm going through right now, I was, there was a feeling inside of me of kind of embarrassment and

knowing that people were going to find out that this relationship didn't work. And I think a big part of it is because of my age, especially I'm from Dallas, Texas. A lot of my friends are having their third babies and I am...

going through my third breakup. So I feel you. I understand where you're coming from. But at the same time, I think there's like this like delayed adolescence for queer people sometimes. I don't think it happens to everyone. And I think if you were someone who got to experiment with your dating at a younger age, maybe you don't feel that way. Or if you just meet the love of your life really young and it works out, like maybe you also don't have that experience. But

But for me, when people were 16, 17, getting to experience their first loves and their first breakups, I was deeply in the closet. A lot of my 20s I spent in a way that maybe people get to spend their earlier teenage years. I mean, not exactly, but sort of, you know? So I've been dealing with this same kind of thought process, but also trying to give myself grace and know that

yeah, the right person will be there at the right time and things will work out the way that they are supposed to. And it's not embarrassing. It's not bad to be single. It's not bad to be 30 and single. It's not bad to be 40 and single. It's not bad to be anything and single. Being single is beautiful. And I'm trying to embrace that thought process myself, but don't be so hard on yourself. It's so easy to compare yourself to everyone these days. Social media makes it

painfully easy to compare yourself to everyone. And at the end of the day, social media, it's not real. But also I'm sure you know people in your real life who have great relationships and maybe you're envious and maybe you do wish you were like making next steps in your life. But I just think that things will happen when they're meant to. And yeah, don't be stressed. The second you stop looking and stop

Trying. That's when the love of your life is going to walk through the door. That's what I'm telling myself. That's what I'm telling myself. This isn't really a question. It's kind of like a statement, but it says bisexuals being othered by lesbians. I feel like obviously that happens. Personally, I love bisexual girls, so hit me up. I'm kidding. Don't hit me up. I have to be single. Thank you, but hit me up. No, stop it.

It's 2023. It's almost 2024. It's time that lesbians embrace our bisexual people in our lives. I think a lot of those like othering situations stem from insecurity and this like thought process that at the end of the day, a bi girl is going to end up with a boy instead of a girl. Personally, I don't understand anyone who wants to end up with a boy over a girl. So I don't have that insecurity. Just trust bi girls.

Buy girls that they want to date girls. And if they're dating you, trust that they want to date you. And that's all you really can do. And treat them with respect because they're awesome. And I love them. Hit me up. I'm kidding. Stop. Thoughts on threesomes. I'm really, really exposing myself in this first episode. I hope that you guys like it. Everyone's so concerned that I'm joking and not going to be open and honest. But here I am talking about threesomes. And I've never had one. There. I said it.

Dang it. I think a big reason why I've never had a threesome is because I tend to be in relationships and I think that the thought of being the couple within a threesome is less attractive to me than being the third in a threesome. Just from like my own life experience and friends experiences, they can get kind of dicey pretty quick it seems. There's a lot of feelings involved with sex in general but...

with threesomes too. Yeah, the opportunity just never arose in any time in my life so far, but maybe, maybe it will. No, stop it, Shannon. Stop it. I have to be single, okay? Okay. My last question on here, and now I'm like practically whispering, and also my roommate just came home, so of course, Zoe, hey, right on this question.

Yay. The last question I have written, and again, I did pick these of myself. So why? Why did I do this to myself? I don't know. I don't know why I did this to myself. Any of it. Any of it at all. The last question is, do you like butt stuff? So mom, dad, Jesus Christ, please don't listen to this question. Please, please. Anyway, to be honest, I have very little experience in that regard, but I am...

very open-minded person

So I'm not opposed to trying anything once and that is all I will say about that. Shout out again to TomboyX for sponsoring this video. Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me happier than promoting queer-owned companies. Finding underwear that makes me feel both confident and comfortable has always been a struggle for me and with TomboyX I finally am able to marry both of those things together. The styles TomboyX carry genuinely make me feel

Hot, so, so hot. As someone who's been shopping in the boy section for a long time, the one area that usually falls short for me is the underwear because they just don't fit right. But Tomboy X has solved that problem for me and I will be living in their boy shorts forever now.

If you want to pick up a pair of your own or shop their other styles, please go to www.tomboyx.com slash Shannon for 20% off the entire website. Thank you again to Tomboy X for sponsoring the first episode of X's and O's. I am so grateful.

Okay, guys, I hope you enjoyed this first episode of X's and O's. I'm looking so forward to having my guests on so we can talk more deeply about things and have more conversation-based conversations. Conversation-based conversations. You know what I'm saying. If you haven't subscribed already, please subscribe. And if you're watching on YouTube, it was so good to see you. If you're just listening, I hope that you enjoyed it. And...

Thank you already for the people who have subscribed. I really appreciate it. And I feel beyond, beyond lucky and grateful to any and everyone who cared enough to stick around to the end of this and who cared enough to watch or listen at all. It's, I'm very, I'm feeling very overwhelmed with love and I just, there's not enough thank yous in the world. So yay.