SUPERFLY #30 - D*ck Jokes at the DNC
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You know, in fourth grade, my teacher was a raccoon. He's like, that's good. OK, Theo, that sounds a little different, but sure. And he's like, yeah, so yeah. I kind of I kind of feel like a tadpole is a tad too big. What do you think of that? I think you're nuts. I think you're crazy. Do you think that Grinch was a real guy like way back? OK, ready? Ready? Go. Ready? Welcome to Superfly with your host, David Spade.

And Dana Carvey. Yes. You leaned a little early. I leaned a little early, didn't I? Oh, man. Let's do one more take, Greg. Oh, do one more take. Let's just check it. Okay, do your thing. Welcome to Superfly with your host, David Spade. And... Oh, wait, now I'm later. Oh, I wait for my name? Yeah, I gotta give you your name. Anyone watching this, trust me, this is... We're shooting the rehearsal. No, this is good. Go ahead. This is quality.

that you won't believe this is not scripted. Welcome to Superfly with your host, David Spade. And Dana Carvey. Yeah, there you go. Fucking print it. Moving on. Going to lunch. Damn, podcasting is easy. We're going to get so many people smashing our subscription button. Thank you so much. Smash that fucking thing. I don't care if you break your phone or camera or whatever, or your laptop. Don't touch it.

Don't just get... Oh, yeah, we're at 175 now on YouTube. Damn! That's it. It's inching up. Don't just go like that. Don't go like that. Don't go like this. Rub, rub. Subscribe. Go fucking... Bam!

Let's ask Tyson to come on because he's got that fight coming up. Yeah, we got a fight coming up and I'm going to hit him so hard. It's going to kill his whole family. I didn't really want to kill his family, but I hit him so hard. Even his relatives will feel the pain. I'm Mike Tyson. I know now he's nice. He goes, I hit you so hard. You're going to wake up with a bit of a stomachache. I know. That's what we did before. You're going to get a tummy ache.

He threatens really heavily, but after the fight, he's a pussycat. Before the fight, I'd kill you, I'd kill your entire family. After the fight, would you like to go maybe climb on some jungle bars?

Come over. I can put a hot water bottle on it. Let's go and do it. I don't even have my Tyson down. Newsflash to impressionists. It takes a while. It sounds good. I'm going lower. I ain't got to do it hard. I was hitting him so hard. I was so scared. It's still very Brooklyn there. I was so scared. I was so scared. You got to love Tyson. Let's get Iron Mike. I like Tyson. I did his podcast, and it was...

He had a guy there because, you know, he has like a, he, I sit in the middle and he has a guy on one side that's sort of the mediator, you know, like co-host. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then he would ask questions. Mike would ask questions. It was kind of fun, but the other guy, not a professional, but like a professional football player, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Mike Tyson has kind of a sneaky hyper wisdom, you know? Yeah. No filters. It's just really simple, you know? I think it's called hot boxing. So I think they combine boxing with smoking weed and the results are incredible. Let's look at a clip.

He is known to have a little bit of a funny cigarette. It's funny because you get a little Mary Jane. A little wacky tabacky. There's one. That was a good one because it's the lips pinched and then to the right. A little funny friend. I want to only shoot this side.

That's really fucking poof town. Okay, so let's talk what's going on in the world. We'll start with the convention. The convention this past week. Yes. Unbelievable. We talked about the Republican convention. For those of you who don't know, they have a convention and then the Democrats do. Four days long. And they're kind of similar to each other. There's a lot of diehard freaks out there with badges and hats just jangling things. Yeah!

And they start at three in the afternoon, and some of the speakers are obscure congressmen you've never heard of, and they just drone on. Bill Squankmeyer. Yeah, from the great state of Tennessee. Ladies and gentlemen, we go out into a new world, a world that's changing, a changing world. Yes.

But if you're Obama, you're like, don't bite my shit. Don't talk about crime. This is my stuff. Don't say Trump. That's all my stuff. If I was a headliner, I'd say, these things don't, I don't want the openers talking about.

And then, yeah, when Obama comes out, he's just cool. He just brings it all down. He's got 18,000 people waiting. And that's the thing we're going to do. We'll do it every time. And what he did, which surprised me, and I thought it was funny, he did a dick joke about Donald Trump. Oh, what was it? So he's up there. He goes like this. He goes...

And he goes, "And Donald Trump seems to have a strange obsession with crowd sizes." Then he goes with his hands, he goes like this, goes apart, looks down and goes back. Big laugh.

Visual. He's doing visual stuff, too. He did a visual thing. He said that I heard they had some tape of him with Michelle. I'm going to do the handout. I hand in. I look down. They'll know it's a dick joke. Stay on me. Go wide shot. Come and get me. Strange obsession with crowd sizes. And then I'll bring my hands in. I'll look down and then cue the left. Hit the applause button. Yeah. You know, it's funny because people are saying he's obviously a great speaker. If he wasn't good looking, would he get this much attention? He is good looking.

Uh, yes, yeah. He's very, very photogenic. Um, I, you know, I think it's a combo. You just he's just a rock star. I mean, you know, he just has has that down. I mean, even in 2004, he's waiting in the wings. He's going to speak at the Democratic National Convention. He was nobody. And somebody said to him, are you nervous? He goes, no, not really. I can play this game. I got this. I got this. So he knew that.

he had a talent for public speaking. Now, Biden, on the other hand, is a little bittersweet, 'cause it was his farewell. He went on Monday at noon, right?

No, the thing is they held him past prime time. He went on at like 1130 in New York at the end of 50 years of public service. Let's put on another. The acrobat is going to do a thing. You know, jugglers will come out. Yeah, that Sam Kinison last spot. My favorite line of him, and he's done it before, is like,

Trump, Trump, he said our troops are suckers and losers. And then he just goes really hard. He goes, but Trump, you're the loser. It was such schoolyard bullying. You know, it's ironic what you just said. You're the loser, guys.

And then, and then he, did he come out in his pajamas or were they, he waited. He had to wait. Everyone's going along. That sucks. You're at a comedy. Oh, I know. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, he's 81 years old, and yeah, and there's another one, another one. As a matter of fact, they bumped James Taylor. It got so late that they go, look, they bumped James Taylor. And he just picked up his guitar and he said, you have not got a friend. And rocked out. Oh, boy. It's the perfect thing to say. Can we get a rim shot?

Bunch of suckers and losers with Donald Trump. The mega republic is a threat to democracy. And it was like 12:30, 1:00 AM, and the people said, but anyway, he got out of there. - Democracy is a big catch phrase that like just, I don't even know what it means anymore. When people say something so much, I don't know what it means anymore. - Well, everybody, both sides say the other side is a threat to democracy. So it's like me saying to you- - And then everyone listening goes, "What's democracy?" - David Spade is a threat to comedy. - I am? Now I listen.

Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know why that face always gets me. Anytime, because I hate when I watch this, I'm looking down because I have to see these dumb fucking squares because I'm on... I look good because I'm on ooze...

Oh, come on. Stay close, folks. Trying to get from 156 to 144. I really am. I fattened up during Grown Ups, which a couple people remember. Thank you. I remember you were a bit round in Grown Ups 1. I was a little rotund. You were a little round. Chubby cheeks. I asked Chris Rock Point Black if I was fatter, and he said, yeah. Yeah.

I go, did you notice? I said, was? I said, I actually gained 20 pounds in the last five years and I didn't even know it. I said, did you notice? He goes, yeah. He goes, you're getting in a Val Kilmer area, which then was Val Kilmer on the beach with a fucking wetsuit with his big gun. I go, I'll fucking kill you, Rock. It's called a scale. You just get on it once in a while. Keep track of stuff. I know, I didn't get on it. Here's a...

Mm-hmm. Okay, go ahead. You put your head in the sand and you paid the price. Yeah. They found maggots, M-A-G-G-O-T-S, in the breakfast bar at the Democratic National Convention. Oh. They don't know how they got there, but that's the last thing you want when you're getting a cup of Special K. Apparently, Clinton went down there, Bill Clinton, and he went ballistic.

I listen, excuse me, somebody I've got maggots in my special K and I will not stand for that. I will not sit here. God damn it. Get the maggots out of my goddamn cereal right now. I will fuck you up. You know what they call them? They call them a M a G a tits.

- We got-- - Maggots. Now, I don't wanna make any trouble, but we got Maggots. We got Maggots in us, and I do not like Maggots. And Maggots are a threat to my cereal and democracy itself. I think it was, they said the protesters that came in that are behind fucking-- They said you have to take-- You have to show eight-- Your ID eight times to get in. So there's so many walls around that place.

It is lock solid. So there's protesters on the outskirts of town at this point. And I think they're around throwing maggots like they're confetti just to fuck everyone's game up. Well, it's like there's lines and lines of protesters, and usually the one behind the protesters is more protesters protesting what they're protesting. And then it goes back and back and back, and then 17 miles outside of Chicago, there's people...

protesting the state of Illinois. They wanted to rejoin Indiana. They're constitutionalists. Was it part of Indiana? Look at how much I don't know. The more you don't know. If you don't know, I don't know it either, but look at the confidence.

Oh, yeah, you do. You're like, I go, Dana knows. He's like, don't let me walk you through everything. And then the roll call went on for four hours. That was the great state of Indiana. They always go, we nominate for president the next president of these here United States. Kamala, H-R-W-N-Y-Z, Kamala Harris. I like when they go, we're the great state of Maine, and we're taking our four voters and giving

Giving them to you. We are the principality of the USA, the Guam. The principality of Guam. We have one half of a delegate. He's a dwarf from New Guinea. And we nominate... We are the delegates of Gilligan's Island and...

We'll give you the professor. ♪ We are the delegates of the Leper Guild ♪ Sorry, you had me going. All right, anything else on the DNC? DNC, really? Is that what you want? Is that what you do? Not really, just JFK Jr. maybe is gonna drop out today and go with Trump. His VP said that, right? His running mate said that. Yeah.

And Trump commented, I didn't know which one he said. One of them, they're very nasty. They've been very nasty. And you have to look at it. You look at it. They're nasty. They say nasty things. They're not nice, nasty things. And you can look at it. They keep doing it. And there's one particular person that's very nasty, but I'm not going to say, I'm not going to tell you who it is. So I don't know who it was, but somebody. Trump's on Theo's fucking podcast. I love Trump sitting there and Theo going.

You know, in fourth grade, my teacher was a raccoon and he's like, "That's good, Theo. Okay, Theo. Well, that sounds a little different, but sure." And he's like, "Yeah, so yeah." I kind of feel like a tadpole is a tad too big. What do you think of that? I think you're nuts. I think you're crazy. Do you think that Grinch was a real guy, like way back?

Yeah, so I didn't hear yet, but I love Theo. And he gave me a shout out. Of course we love Theo. Love Theo.

All right. My hair, we're going to talk about later. I can't get this to show me from the side and that's all I want. That's why I'm primping and preening like a peacock. Well, you got to just stay front and center. You don't need a side angle. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I would. I

"Damn, really? How's that possible?" I won't say if that's a negative or positive comment. I just go, "Really?" - Yeah, I go, I start to space out, then I go, "Oh, I'm watching a podcast with Dana Carvey and Nick Nolte." - I get so spaced out, I can't, the drawer's in the back, I'm sorry. - One, two. - I'm still doing some physical stuff. All right, let's look at the headline. - All I heard was Nick Nolte. - Yeah, I look like Nick Nolte, yeah.

All right. I'm going to tell you something about a LinkedIn, Danny, which you probably already know, but you know, when you're hiring for a small business, you want to find quality professionals are right for the role. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn jobs. Now, when I was getting a job at Bullocks, which is a clothing store in Arizona, they said I had the best meeting and the worst performance. So they would have weeded me out here at LinkedIn jobs because they have the tools to find the right professionals for your team faster and for free.

That's exactly right. I mean, it is very difficult to know who you're hiring and comprehensively to get them vetted by LinkedIn gives you takes, you know, takes away the hassle of finding new people. I mean, LinkedIn isn't just a job board, David. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. Even those who aren't actively searching for a new job, but might be open to the perfect role. Do you understand?

Yeah. I mean, listen, I feel like I get it. In a given month, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit the other leading job sites. So if you're not looking at LinkedIn, you're probably looking in the wrong place.

Well said. On LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. Hire professionals like a professional on LinkedIn. 86%. That's a good percentage. Who has the time? Dana, you're a small business. You're out there trying to just run a show and you can't just stop everything and try to interview and make calls and bring people. You just call LinkedIn and...

It's easy. Bing, bang, boom, beep, bop, boop. Quicker. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates. That's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free. Terms and conditions, of course, apply. Donald Trump reshares IA generated images falsely claiming Taylor Swift endorsement. I saw this. I think this

It's supposed to be funny. It's not, I don't think it's a good idea because A, people believe it at first glance. B, it's, I'm, you know, I don't know who Taylor Swift's voting for or if she talks about it. But are all these fake? I would think, okay, this Taylor Swift one in the middle is Uncle Sam is fake. But are Swift, maybe they're Swifties for Trump. But if you make it AI, maybe I don't believe all of it. Right, I'm saying it, so you either say,

I'm sure some Taylor Swift fans are for Trump, but if you do this and then you know that's AI in the middle, then you don't believe. I've had-- I'm calling all AI. All. I'm just saying the idea of it, I don't think is-- You know, in the grand scheme of these things, I would say I would stay away from that kind of stuff because AI makes people nervous anyway.

And then if you start saying that. If you reshare something, what is your responsibility to check that it's real? And how do you check that it's real? Yeah. But if you reshare. Sorry, someone debunking the debunker. So really you just don't know anything. I know everything, but some people don't know anything. I don't mind. I like deplaning, but I don't like debunking. Debunking is probably something you should take in college because there's so much of it going on.

If you were debunking while you were deplaning, what would you be called? Yeah, I don't think you could do that. That's too much. That's all. That's the only phrases in the human language. You start with a D-E-A. Yeah. Okay, next one. Okay. Oh, really? Oh, Caitlin Clark rejects.

See, again, a million dollars to appear on The View? Come on. They're not going to pay her a million dollars. I barely get $575 when you do a talk show. Yeah. She says, I believe she said, I'm not a fan of The View. I don't think anyone's offering anyone money to be on The View. I'm thinking that she's pretty savvy. So I would say she would stay out of this. So I'm calling. Can we figure out if this is a real quote?

-Never. -I'm not a fan? Never. -Oh. -We're just-- Let's just-- I don't even know if that's Caitlin Clark. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna-- Yeah, I don't-- That's Drac from Hotel Transylvania. Yeah, I think that's, uh-- Don't laugh at that, Heather. Clark Kent. How many times in-- No, I'm gonna say that's AI. This is our AI episode. Yeah. Actually, tell us in YouTube comments, 'cause we don't know fucking one thing, obviously. All right, next one.

- Dunkin Donuts slogan says, "America runs on Dunkin." - Fake. - I think I know what that is. - What is this? - My friends, this is a pumpkin swirl frozen coffee. Who the thought it was a good idea to put this on the menu because this drink has 185 grams of sugar in here. How much is it?

This guy's in Dunkin' Donuts. Oh, this is one because sometimes we need a feel-good story or an informative story. This story is how much sugar is in a Dunkin' Donuts that I eat scotty. It's 500 grams. Is that a bunch or is it 53? I try not to eat any sugar.

I worked with an editor once that had an iced coffee like that every morning, and he was trying to lose weight. He goes, this is all I have. This is all I'm having. All I'm having. And I go, it's a billion calories. I haven't had that much sugar since high school. One drink. Yeah, keep it. Go easy on the sugar. I've heard, here's another thing you can debunk for me. Cancer can't live unless there's sugar.

white sugar in your body. Is that a lie? That sounds like there's some- Well, I'll put it this way. I don't know of that exact quote, but cancer loves sugar. So does heart disease. Sugar is kind of bad in high doses. Watch the sugar. Would you call 185 grams at once high doses?

I only have a Coca-Cola every once in a while. Oh, not cool. How much sugar? Go read it. Oh man, I got to shame myself. This is either my hands, I have shack hands, or this is a smart hand. I know, easy. That makes your dick look bigger. Good job. It's the most important thing in life. Okay, sugar.

25 grams. Yeah. It's not too bad. You're skinny. By the way, I do these five-hour energies now and then. And every time you turn on like a TikTok, it's like, do you know energy drinks make you tireder? I'm like, oh boy. No, actually, a lot of caffeine makes you sleep. I'm like, please, everyone, let's not ruin everything.

I once got pulled over for sleeping while driving and I said to the officer, I said, "I took a five-hour energy drink five hours and 10 minutes ago." It wore off and I fell asleep. - It knocked you out? - And he let me go. - You going unconscious? - They're working on a six-hour energy drink. They've been working on it for years. They were three-hour energy drinks for a couple decades, then they got to five hours.

Well, if they could do it eight hours, maybe I could go to work and stay awake the whole time. How about, yeah, a drink that makes you not cranky? How about, yeah. Okay, next one. Okay, here's one. Okay. I don't even know what this one is. Okay, ready? We'll see how the tech industry collectively responds to the fact that their threats are not working. Dell fired everybody.

12,500 people now unemployed. The video reported that Dell wanted people to come back into the office and the employees refused and they won. Well, now they're unemployed. She's wondering how other companies, especially tech, will respond. They're responding already by firing remote workers. And the cuts have been increasing over the last year. 2023, over 80,000 cut.

April 2024, almost 120,000 fired. Just two weeks into August, over 60,000 have been terminated. Corporations are already responding. Oh, this is all remote work. If you're fully remote, you're more likely to be cut. So remote work. And if employees are remote, they'll just fire you by email, Teams, or Zoom. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. Did employees really win by refusing to come back into the office?

I guess so. Oh, what a hot button issue. If they were looking to get terminated, they got what they wanted. Yeah, we're sort of doing work by home right now, so we can't comment. Well, we have the capability of interviewing Steve Martin in London or something if we want. So I don't know if it's the same. But on that first headline, he didn't say that they make AI pivot. Dell makes AI pivot. So AI pivot.

I know a guy who works with AI and it says that he does half of his job. You just talk to the AI and it writes a paper or about the, you know, so I don't know. I think maybe what I was thinking is someone told me this at hires and fires at a company we know. And they were saying people come in and say, I'm willing to come in one day a week. And this boss was saying,

The problem is don't make yourself so invaluable that they don't miss you. Like if they're saying, who would we cut first? That guy was saying, let's keep the people we have interactions with that work around us every day that we see. And it's easier to take people you don't see, you don't have any relationship that are just like emails and just say, we'll lop them off first. It sounds like.

But I don't know, because I'm not in the workforce every day. Now, when we do a movie or something, you have to be there every day, so there's no getting out of it or TV show. It's a different, weird job. Fine. But I don't know if that's... I think that's what he was saying. I was sort of shocked by the fact they even are laying off remote workers. I don't know if you could. I don't know what the legalities are. Well, in the early days, I assume it goes on now. It's a little difficult. I know people employ a lot of people.

And the people I know who work from home, they're like, they are so flexible. They can get all their work done in the morning if it's something that they can truncate, you know? And then sometimes they're, then they go to Cancun and they're Instagramming and then doing their work from 12 to 1, then hitting the beach. So I don't know. It's up to each employer to see if that person is productive enough to, you know,

be employed so right i had one that i work with that would only email me after their day so they do their whole day get everything done you know their whole day their personal life kids whatever and then from six to around 11 at night you'd start getting the emails from the day to answer so

A lot of things are only open in the day and only effective in the day, so it doesn't always work. And I do think that the pandemic kind of shifted people's mindset, a lot of young people. The idea of you...

it's sort of European in a way that you, you, you work so that you can live. You don't live to work. I mean, we live to work cause it's, it's, we are our job kind of, I don't know. I'm just hanging out with you right now. But, um, I think people just question things, especially young people. What, what am I doing? Um, and they're thinking for alternative lifestyles. Part of that's work from home or travel or, you know, I don't know. Yeah. It's after, obviously since COVID it's

Flip the script. Yeah, everything. Okay, next one. I'm going to take a bite, but I'm going to cut this part out. What's the newest DashPass annual plan benefit?

Ah, that's what we're here to talk about. We're going to talk about it. Go start talking about it, David. I am right now. Watch this. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. You know what I mean? You can stream Max with ads. That's up to $120 value. Included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

Wow. Unlimited zero cost delivery fees on eligible orders. Members only exclusive offers or menu items. Yeah. You get, you get a lot of benefits when you do your DoorDash Pass annual plan. Yeah. By the way, what's your dream night in? What would you do? Um, I would say I would probably watch the Gilded Age on Max. It's new season with my wife and

And I would have a soda or a light beer and get a cheese pizza. Yeah. Okay. So I would watch. I was doing this last night watching The Penguin. And that's on Max. And when I order Dash Pass, Door Dash, I get, yeah, pizza is a favorite. And I get some diet drinks, no names.

And I get basically food that to stuff myself, maybe a burrito also. Yeah. Um, it's a guilty pleasure. It's a guilty pleasure. I mean, you could watch, um, the house of dragon and we're dash past order some sauteed dragon. Um, yeah, that was a joke. Usually when you're in, that is a good time to order in. And so you can pair up stuff with your shows if that's fun. Uh,

There's no penguins out there to eat, but there's birds and chickens. Sign up for Dash Pass annual plan and get Max included at no extra cost. It's your door to more terms and conditions apply. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. Stream Max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

The road to getting engaged. This is the story as old as time. It can be long, full of memories, or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is a straightforward path every time. All you got to do, you know what to do, Dana.

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This phenomenon is just a gang of cicadas taking a leak. You see, cicadas have an insatiable thirst for the liquid flowing through a plant's xylem system. To cobble together enough nutrients, each cicada must consume up to 300 times its body weight in xylem fluid, which means they have to pee a lot. But cicadas don't just dribble droplets, they form a jet of liquid, which is more energy efficient.

They pee harder than I do. Gross.

It's like a mini water gun. Turn it on the volume. And it's not just about staying cool. We got enough. The houses underneath those trees, surprisingly, their prices held up, which shocked me. A lot of real estate moves quickly. I don't know what it is about that, being rained on by, urinated on by some kind of weird insect all day long. Yeah. I hope you don't mind when you leave your house and enter, you're smothered and splashed in cicada pee.

Yeah. The real estate agent says, we have a very nice kitchen. We have bedrooms upstairs. We have a raining insect urine that will come down to your head when you leave the place. But the owners are willing to negotiate. Yeah. We're willing to negotiate. It's a great school district, but you've got, you're drenched in cicada pee and it doesn't come out of your hair and it stinks. Yes. It will, you know, it's full disclosure. It's in the contract. The

Is it cicada or cacada? What is it? Cicada, I think. Cicada urine will soak you through. We suggest you have a place before you go into your house, you strip down on the deck and you put it on cicada hangers where they also will then...

We have a mudroom where, and then the cicadas, but the mudroom's also filled with them and they pee on you again. Then they throw up on you. Yes. Now, disclosure, when you open the washer in the morning to put clothes in to wash them, there will be cicada spray coming out of that because they do nest in there. Out of the washer? Yeah.

out of the washer into your face we expect you get a dry cloth you wipe it off you take a shower you strip down you come back then you stay away from the opening to the washer and you throw your stuff in this is just true disclosure we're willing to negotiate we want 20 percent down yeah and they don't like i mean cicadas make a lot of fucking noise too but they're not allowed to say that anymore because it's offensive to them to say that you don't like their pee so you have to

go along with it. Yeah, the Shakeda's, I know it's weird, it's never happened before, but they have technically unionized in terms of ownership of that tree and the unloading of urine. So I wouldn't challenge them. They will go on strike.

And then you're gonna miss the cicada. All right, next one. That was good. We really milked a lot of cicada pee out of that one. We milked some cicada there, I'll tell you that much. Okay, this is just a, what happens on Instagram that is, I guess, the realities. The stress of being a girl. That's what you can do. I didn't know you could just use the, I mean, I know people, I thought in a photo you could make yourself like curve a little skinnier or bigger butt if you want, but

I didn't know you can just take a video. It's so weird to me. It's just like digital copies. If they can make a digital copy and make it look like you're in a porn film, they can do that. I'm not surprised, but I've been saying this for a long time. Yes. Whatever it is. You are your digital image. So if that young lady can look like that,

or any way she looks. -It's perception. -The only way I integrate with her is on a digital screen. So if she then has a new body, that is the reality. So, um, I'm all for it. Everyone's gonna look gorgeous. No one's gonna be fat 'cause of Ozempic. Everyone's gonna look stunning because of filters and AIs. The whole world's gonna be gorgeous. And the only rulers of this planet will be Shakeda's. -Right.

And the only two people that look like shit are me and you until I get you on Ozumpic. Guess what? This is pre-filters. Wait till I get the filters. Oh, shit. Look out. You think I'm a six now. Wait till I fucking gussy it up with the fucking deej deej. All right, next one. We run a tight ship. Here we go. No idea what this is. What's this guy blabbing about?

During a brief two-month period at the tail end of the summer of 1991, seven albums were released that changed the course of rock and roll history. August 12, 1991, The Black Album from Metallica. August 27, 1991, Ten from Pearl Jam. September 17, 1991, Use Your Illusions 1 and 2 from Guns N' Roses.

September 24th, 1990. Nirvana. Nevermind. Fucking shit. Nirvana and blood, sugar, sex, magic. Oh, hot shit. Yeah. In October 8th, 1991. Holy fuck, dude. That's during... And sound cards.

It is absolutely incredible that all of these albums came out almost in succession. I was 13 years old at the time. It absolutely changed my life. It changed the course of rock history. And to this day, these albums stand the test of time. That guy with his vinyl. Good on him. He had like a million records back there. Yeah, but just picture that. So in two months, there you go. In two months, those were like Mongo Monster top albums.

100 of all time albums. Kind of some iconic- Bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh yeah. Iconic for rock in our generation, absolutely. You know, it's funny 'cause during SNL, we were around what I was around like '93, '94. That's I think when we had Pearl Jam, we had Nirvana, we didn't get, and maybe the Peppers. We didn't get the Soundgarden. What else do you say? Oh, we didn't get Guns N' Roses.

You know, SNL used to have a thing where they wouldn't put some bands on. They wouldn't put NSYNC on, no matter how big they were. When I was there, they wouldn't put Backstreet Boys. Even if people sold this many albums, they'd go, "It's not us."

Oh, because we were rock and roll, basically. Because those were nerdy, yeah. They were considered something else. Now, anybody sells anything they're on. You know what I mean? Remember when I hosted the VMAs, the one that you wrote on it? Yeah. We had U2, we had Nirvana, we had Guns N' Roses, Elton John. Fuck, that was a big one. That was a big one. Don't be jealous. And Nirvana, I was there. Ha ha ha ha!

We were underneath when Chris Novosack threw his guitar up and it hit him in the head. - The bass guitar and him in the head, yeah. - Oh boy, those were the fuckin' days, my friend. I thought they'd never end. All right, next one, next one. Oh, good one. Let's see what other bullshit we have. Okay, wait. I'm just saying, when girls complain about guys,

Guys complain about crits. But this dude puts in the work. He's not the best looking frog or whatever he is. But nobody works harder to impress a potential partner

than whatever this guy is. Let's see what he has. Okay. Exciting. Harder to impress a potential partner than this pufferfish. He's in the middle of spending an entire week crafting a delicate sand mural on the ocean floor, just hoping that one female pufferfish will like it enough to give him a chance. He's a perfectionist and the finished work of art will be a perfectly symmetrical geometric masterpiece over 20 times his size. He's also something of an engineer and has learned that plowing the finer grains of sand to the center will help protect it from the currents.

preventing the work of art from being washed away immediately. But even so, the current will constantly erase or alter small parts of his work so he can't rest at all, constantly tending to the piece to correct small errors as they happen. And as a final touch, when the main shape is complete, he'll add

sand dollars and seashells around the outer edge as finishing accent pieces. Soon enough, a female pufferfish looking for a mate will swim around as if browsing an underwater art gallery. And if she likes a particular work of sand art, she'll hover over the center of it to communicate her approval.

and she'll mate with the male artist in order to deposit her eggs. After she swims away, the artist will stay nearby, fiercely protecting the eggs until they hatch. The white-spotted pufferfish is the only species that crafts such highly ordered works of art. And until the species was discovered in the early 2010s, the constantly reappearing sand circles were a mystery to divers and scientists. But now we know that this little pufferfish... Fuck this dude, I'm already tired. Wow. But that's...

Unreal, that dude. What? They say ants are hardworking. No one's talking about puffer fish. The grind. Yeah.

It's a crime. Just to get action. What a rough life. And then he has to protect it. I mean, that was, that puffer fish was seven hours old and it started the circle at five and a half hours and their average life expectancy is 8.2 hours. So it's a rough life. Well, I read a lot. I read a lot.

But he gets laid, then he's like, "I don't even care about this fucking thing anymore." 'Cause he's got-- it's so much upkeep. It's like living-- worse than living near the beach. He's under the water. And you know the real reason they call him the Pufferfish? 'Cause at the bottom of the ocean, there's nearby alcohol deposits, and that is an absolute alcoholic puffed-up fish. And it puffs his face up or he slept on it? I don't know. I've been called a Pufferfish 'cause I wake up, it's so swollen.

You wake up swollen every day? In my face, yeah. We'll talk about that later. Doctors are baffled. Okay, next one. I like the alcoholic fish. Yeah. Okay, here's Alicia Silverstone. She had a little situation. Here we go. I discovered something that I can't figure out what it is, and I need your help. I just bit into it because I was on the street, and we were discussing whether this was a tomato or not.

It's definitely not because look at these leaves. So she randomly walks up to her neighbor. Those are the leaves. Plucks. So what the heck is this? Because when you open it up, it looks like that. And if I bite it. Dumb. Who's biting someone else's? I don't think you're supposed to eat this. What is that? It's almost like a pepper. Does anyone know what this is? It's a Jerusalem cherry. I don't know what it is. I need someone to tell me. I'm in England. So basically. It's a herb. Thank you. No, it's poisonous. So.

You're not supposed to eat it. So her comments got flooded with people going, go to the fucking hospital. Did the person who planted them and had them grow through the fence so people could block them know they were poisonous? I mean, I don't think anyone thinks you're going to go eat them, but she...

They said, yeah, you're supposed to not eat them and look at them. And then what did you say? And no one heard from her for six months. Oh, no one heard from her for six. She didn't say anything. And everyone was like, are you okay? She just put up an old picture and said, I'm okay. I didn't swallow. She said, I'm okay. I didn't swallow. Oh, funny. There she is. So she didn't swallow it, but it was more of a mystery when she was gone.

You know, I'm glad she's safe and she's lovely. I just remember I was doing a movie once and talked to some crew members and her name came up, Alicia Silverstone. What's she like? She's got a funny habit of just picking anything and grinding on it, chewing it up. And so that was in the 90s. Yeah, she'll just grab and boom. Yeah, she's a sweetheart and I hope she didn't get totally sick, but I am not good at just picking...

things up that look shiny and pretty and just shoving them in my mouth because that's how you get poisoned. I don't eat mushrooms. Mushrooms are very dangerous. If you're walking, if you're in a mountain, would you eat a mushroom if you just found it? No. No. No, not my idea. Unless I saw Rob Schneider sitting to it and saying, it's psilocybin.

Take it. Hi, Rob. It's good for emphysema and inflation. I mean, not inflation, but that's what I mean. Well, it'll do your tax returns. What? Give it a chance. All right, let's go to the next one. Don't be like that. Okay, I don't know what this is.

I got a client request to write his name on a sock and wear it in a sauna for $400. Oh, this is how people are making money. Forget OnlyFans. This is a new one I haven't seen. Write the guy's name. Sealed for freshness. Oh, and you have to... Sick! So, and I'm guessing OnlyFans.

So this is what a guy wants. This is what we want, Dana. Guys. To have someone, a woman that we think's attractive sign a sock with our name, put it on, go in a sauna, and then send it to us for $400. Oh, put the perspiration on it. And a sickening Ziploc bag. For $400. Yeah. Nice work if you can get it.

Mm-hmm. Nice work, if you can. Hey, get it! Hey, there's Dana's socks. How much? Go on YouTube. Tell us. They'll send you some filthy fucking socks. A million dollars. Mm-mm. A million? A million. That's too much. I may only get one or two offers. I admit it. If it's a million dollars, I'll probably only get one or two offers, but it's worth it. You have to write their name on it with a marker.

Look, we see the pupper fish slaving. I mean, it's hard to be a man in this world or a fish. It's all tied in. Chicanas are pissing on everyone. Poor, poor lonely guys. All right, let's go to the next one. We're lonely, all of us. Hey, David, why do you want to learn a new language? And where would you use it, or how would it come in handy? Well, if I tour the road, I would go to mostly English schools.

places, but sometimes I want to go to these other countries and I do feel a little insecure about going without knowing a language. And it's never too late, but it's also never too early. I mean, I should have done more when I was younger. This is Rosetta Stone we're talking about, and you should try to get in on this quickly because you probably learn quicker when you're younger. Oh, definitely. Yeah.

You learn about cultural appreciation. You appreciate cultures when you start to learn a language and go to the culture. And also it's good for your brain, David. It does wake up your brain. Like I, I do like to study stuff about comedy and when I'm on the road and trying to memorize stuff, but yeah,

Definitely don't use the brain like that anymore. And I think it wakes it up and it's very good for you. You know, like you travel more. If I even go to Mexico, which is very close. I don't know if you know where it is, Dana. It's straight down from here. Straight down. I thought that was Hungary on our border. You thought it was Canada or Chechnya. Yeah, Canada is up and then Chechnya is down. Anyway, I'll look it up.

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All right, let's do one more. We're getting a... I got so much going on, Dana. I know. I'm turning down things right now. There's a new trend where... Oh, I didn't know what to say about this. There's a new trend where women are putting a gap between their teeth. Not a permanent gap. Oh, a permanent gap. She looks like a beaver. That's what you want.

Look at the song, TLC, Unpretty. Is that what the song is? Is that a real song? The funny comment. Who's happy about that? I mean, why would, I mean, let's see. Famous gap to people. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, much more attractive. David Letterman. You know, Paul, it's great that everybody's doing this and that. Who else? The guy on Good Morning America. David Hartman.

From the 60s? It's a first person. See? No, who else? I had four teeth pulled in the 60s. That's why I have a tiny mouth. My tooths were like this when I was in third grade. And you know what? I will tell you this. I didn't care. I just thought, these are my tubes, you know? And I would smile in a picture like this.

I didn't care. I just wanted my picture taken. And they were like this. And finally someone goes, what's wrong with your teeth? They look fucking so stupid. And I was like, huh? And then they go, wrangle those in. So when I was in fifth grade, I roped them in with some barbed wire. It was basically braces, but they were so like out of control.

And then I never smiled big again because they told me I looked bad. And from that day on, they dimmed my light. Well, wait a minute. Don't clip my wings. You roped in some barbed wire. You made homemade braces with barbed wire? No, but I got braces, but they really had to like... Because they were just going every which way. And once I was made fun of, I went into a shell, Dana. I don't know if I've ever come out of it. I've always wanted to...

Anybody who needs dental, it's a handicap not to have straight teeth in life. It's definitely, you know, no one, there are five kids in the family. I was the only one that got braces because my nickname for a while was Bucky. What do you got figuring to do? Figuring to do. He's going to be called Bucky unless you do something. So at first, my parents didn't have money. They could only put them on the top.

So the bottoms were all like crooked. Then the orthodontist said to me, can you just develop a habit of just pushing that tooth and push it back? For real? For real. Could you possibly just push that tooth back over time? But that didn't fly. Bucky, are you listening to me?

I said, "I don't think I could do that." But yeah, it would have been a very different life. But I did pay for the bottoms. When the door closed, he goes, "Hey, Bucky, you know what a sucky?" And you go, "I'm sorry, what?" And he goes, "Nothing, what? Nothing." And you're like... And then you go, "Hey, have you seen my new cicada?" Spray the guy in the face with his pee. I'm trying to do your face like... It's so good, you gotta go up to the camera and look right in it.

You know how to sucky, fella? Young fella? Well, that's what you do. You go to the camera. I was going here. Yeah, go to the camera, dude. That's the funniest. That was a good one. It helps a joke. And mine need help. It does. All right. All right. So let's, we can wrap on that, right? We did pretty good. I think we did pretty good.

We don't want to torture our audience. Smash that subscribe button and we'll make history. Come see me on the road. David Spade. Where am I going first this weekend? Where are you going, David? Seattle. Seattle next. Going to Hartford, Connecticut. I'm going to Indianapolis. Indianapolis. Boise. Boise. Minneapolis where I did my last special. It was great.

So come check me out. Great audiences there. And we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for tuning in. See you next week. God save the Queen. God bless America. To all our troops overseas, God bless you. And to Joseph R. Biden for 50 years of service. Yeah, the service. All the lights go off in the convention. Sir, sorry, it's over.

We're witnessing history. Let's see how this whole thing plays out. It's going to be interesting. Let me tell you what it is. I'm not even trying to do Trump anymore. Bye, guys. Peace out. Thanks for listening or watching. Bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.