SUPERFLY #45 - MORE AUTOGRAPHS!
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Okay, Dana, you know, I like to gamble a bit. I'm just, I'm not like too deep in it, but I take a little bit of the Joe Dirt money now and then in the reruns. Do a little of this and that, but this is about at BetMGM. Now you can follow and tag BetMGM across all your socials and that gets you in the mix. This is the sports book, Born in Vegas.

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Uh, you've officially gone to cuckoo land and I hope you're coming back because you are not in the real world right now. One flew over the cuckoo's app. I bet once at the first touchdown would be the first one. And, um, I want to afford some of these are good offers. They're like, if the touchdown is scored by even a soccer player, you win. It's like, Oh, that's right.

If someone scores in the back of a Dodge Dart in the parking lot, you get a pretty penny, okay? Listen, I'll just tell you, that's good. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to gamble responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms 21 plus only. This U.S. promotional spot is not available in Ontario.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Available in the U.S. For New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY. That's 467-369. For Arizona, call 1-800-NEXT-STEP. For Massachusetts, 1-800-327-5050. Iowa, 1-800-BETS-OFF.

For Puerto Rico, 1-800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. This is an ad for a new sponsor, Luxe Bidet. John Lovitz, are you listening? We have to, you know, toilet paper fails you sometimes. And all I hear about is bidets and how

It's the future, right? And it's horrible when toilet paper fails you and you've you've used the restroom and then your significant other says, did did it did it please you or did it fail you? And you just go thumbs down. Total fail. Yeah. Also, they're making it skinnier, I think, toilet paper, because I'm you know, I'm I've got a roll of paper towels there. For what reason? I'm not going to tell you.

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Toilet paper, you're making choices. If a bird poops on your face, would you just clean up with paper? No, you'd wash it off. Right. Yeah, this is so archaic. I mean, Billy Toilet was a French inventor and he said, we're going to wipe our bottoms with paper. Thin paper on little squares. What are you going to call it? I don't know. My name is Billy Toilet. How about Toilet Paper? Yeah.

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Look at my roadrunner. I'm in a new location. Now, what is this now? This is my other place. Just don't worry about it? It's not. I'll be in New York. You know, I go, I keep moving. I have three homes. Mm-hmm. Don't be jealous. Do you leave anything in New York? Do I leave anything in New York? I leave everything there. You do? Mm-hmm.

You keep it the whole time, Richie Rich? Uh-huh. Jesus Christ. No, no, I don't pay. Some other people are very generous. I took care of that for you. It's okay to ask, David. I took care of it. Trust me. They've got the money. Trust me. They can afford it. You know, I told him to do the right thing.

Do the right thing. Stop the bombing. Hey, handsome. Who's funnier than you? We're going to have to make memes out of our manager. I had Gervitz on a Zoom today and he was fucking bombing. Did all his fucking, all his hits. All his schtick and nothing crickets. Oh boy, yeah. Fucking cricks. Jeez, you got a lot of Zooms on.

I do have I have a lot They're mostly with Theo But god dang There's a lot of zooms Oh Theo's the funniest one To zoom with But he walks around Sometimes the laptop Drives me crazy Oh Just sit I can't stand these zoomers Hey man I know That's kind of a hip thing to do Get carsick Where are you going You gotta zoom I know Everyone's sad Oh shh I shh

It's funny when people say, you're talking to the phone, you say, I'm going to take you into my car. I've said this before, but it's funny. I'm taking you in the car with me. No, don't. I'm trying to order a pizza. You're trying to drive. Hang on, I have to beat my kids. Wait a minute. Let me get the effect for the driving and then the hitting of the kids again. First, the driving effect. Hey, stop. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

You almost made me crash. Was there a dog in the engine or something? Yeah, no, that's the tires. Then they hit it off. Well, what was in your hand? It didn't sound like a slap. No, just, it's an elbow.

It really gives him a wake-up call. I know. Well, I was a little tired yesterday. You know? So I took a hot bath. Put the thing in so the water wouldn't go down the drain. Then I toweled off. As long as you say what it is, the sound effect can be terrible. Then I got a cheese grater.

Then I ate a cheeseburger. Dude, I have to tell you. You know what? Every time we do any riff on this, I imagine it's a YouTube short. So I start improvising. And you go, we need more. We need more. We got to get to a minute. For Patrick, I start thinking, what will he do with this? I know. I feel YouTube has ruined it because we have any real conversation, we go, we got to zhuzh it up with a little ya-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah.

That's it. That's going to be in some kind of Instagram. Don't be mad at my new haircut. Oh, yeah. It's pretty fluffy. Well, the shorter, the more the fluff. We've talked about this many times on this podcast. I'm cutting the sides off this week. All gone. Shaved. I mean, you're trying to look like me?

No, you're not going to shave and then have a nose ring. Check your birth certificate, Quinky. Come on, Glico. Hey, Christ sakes, there's a time and a place for that kind of accoutrement, all right? You turn into Scheherazade. Ha ha ha ha!

Whoever that is. I know, but that sounded almost like an author or something. The Egyptian author wrote The Bridgeway to the Nile in 1947. Now listen, I'm going to back up.

To Thanksgiving, because I know Thanksgiving was last week, but I will say the beginning of Thanksgiving always starts with me watching local news. And they always have some newscaster posted up at the airport. I love it. Oh, the car. It is a record. It's always a record. Literally, there's never been a week or a year there wasn't a record. Record 80 million drivers. And then the airport, 80 million flyers.

Always a record. Who knows? Who checks? Who knows? Sounds better to say there's a record. And we're here at four in the morning and it is

And you know what I mean? We're expecting 149 million people to go to Disneyland this Friday night. You should always give it about seven hours ahead of time just to let them frisk your balls. Did I tell you? I did tell you when they frisked my wiener. Did I tell you this, Heather?

The guy goes, they're always like, hey, Spade. Hey, Spade. Everyone's cool. And he goes, and I'm like, beep, beep. He's like, this is a random one. I think he's telling me to go away, but he goes, I say, oh, come here. It's a random one.

Meaning I still do it. You know, it's me. Nah. And he gets in, he goes, something's in your groin area. I go, oh, you've heard about it. He goes, no, something's in there. It's showing up on the thing. And I go, maybe it's a zipper. I don't know. And he goes, he gives you an interview first. Cause that, I gotta get in there. I go, get in there. And he goes,

You sounded seduced for a second. I got to get in your groin area. I know. You ready for a groin pat? Mm-hmm. He helps me, nods. And I go, and he goes, all right.

You want front or back of the hand? I go, just let's just do front. You know, we're having fun. He literally goes front or back of the hand. I know. I've never had like a nice, cheerful dialogue, but I want to hear this. I get frisked every single time I go through the machine. Not a bit. Not a joke.

And I know how they do it. They're talking to you and they come up the inner thigh with the hands and then they sort of bounce up and make sure. Hey, you the church lady? It looks like more like the church dude. It's just, Christ. They go up the pant leg. Yeah. There you go. Pew, pew, pew.

And that's before I get to the airport. Okay, good night, people. That's the sky cap? Yeah. Delta guy? So you literally got frisked and he grabbed... He gives me a backhand hand job like this. I'm like, okay. He goes...

You're good. But I get it every time. People are going, hey, did you do the church lady? Can I get a picture? And then, yeah, okay, up against the wall, spread out. Where are the bombs? Let's go, Tiny. Jesus, didn't you see all those fans back there? Yeah.

Yeah, we don't care about you and your fan base, which is shrinking, according to this document. You work at the airport and you have data on my fan base? And he said, yeah, I do. And my favorite thing to do is when I work Phoenix Airport because I get a chance to grope David Spade, even though the X-ray says he's clean as a whistle.

Because it might be a glitch. It might be. We are now into Senator John F. Kennedy territory. Glitch. I have to grab your testicles. My words, not yours. Yeah. At least he's honest that way. Do you still have two testicles? Most people do. I do. I know I do. Yours is as big as Dallas. Do you name?

Each individual. Sorry, where are we going with this? Where does this end? Do you think women still have pubic hair? Just a question. There's no right or wrong. I once dated a lady from Memphis, Tennessee, and she dyed her pubic hair in a kaleidoscope effect.

Is that your experience? You could pull on them. They're seven inches each. They're just jammed down. Yeah. And if you had some jam left over from your sandwich, it would make a sticky paste and you could spell letters. You could actually write a little note to her that she would find later in her kaleidoscope groin area. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is an Instagram clip.

People like this. We didn't say they were good. We just said they're clips. They're noisy. So I get to Thanksgiving dinner. I got Harper. And we have this good idea, right? Harper says, let's get little canvases like this. Because my mom ran into a woman that teaches art or whatever. My mom will literally talk to anyone.

I literally talk to anyone. They talk for a long time and then numbers exchange, Facebook, this, this. So she's dialed in immediately. So we get in a circle, the idea, and then we all have a, we paint the person on the opposite side of you. So it's kind of fun. Get a little paint there, get the brushes. I'm just, I'll jump ahead. I'm easily the worst.

My brother Brian was better than I thought. It shows a lot of personality. Like people, he was more abstract, you know, drawing eyes. To start with a portrait is a horrible idea. Unless you're Kevin Nealon or someone that's really good at this, you know. No, yeah. It's impossible. And you look like a fucking asshole. I think it should be a joke on a date where the guy is so bad that the girl loses interest in him because-

He's so bad. Like, you're just like, oh, you have no talent at all. There's nothing going on in your head because they were horrible. Now, Harper's was pretty good. I actually have Harper's. She had to draw me. And do you have that? Can we see? This is just watercolor. Watercolor. Just stare. Harper. I got a brown, a little of this. Harper's 16. Draws it just, she's 16 within like five minutes. Let me see. We're just going to pop it up. We'll clean this up later. Mm-hmm. Okay. That's not bad, right? Yeah.

It's cute. That's pretty good. Yeah, that is. Absolutely. Isn't that good? Yeah, yeah. I like that. And she signed it. And so that, listen, you got a little blue in the eyes. You got a little... Yeah, she got some... She got her hair blue. Generous with the hair. Yeah, yeah. And cheeks, you know, she's discoloring things. You know, that's a certain style. Yeah, there's blending. There's a lot of... Literally, the art teacher's walking around going, oh, Harper, I like this. I like the blending. The way you... And with me, she goes, okay. And she keeps walking. She has nothing to say other than like, it's too much...

wrong to even get, there's nothing to even help. Just keep moving. So anyway, we did that. And then my mom though, my mom, I have to tell you, when I come in, I've told her maybe 1000 times, I'm leaving at the end of this art thing because I have to go to the airport. I don't want to fly on Sunday. It's going to be Saturday night. I've told her honestly, 1200 times. I walk in, she goes, Brian just told me you're leaving today. You're not, are you? I go,

I'm not leaving now at the end of the two hours. No. Oh, my God. She goes, it's so classic, mom.

And I go, mom, did you step on a rusty nail? Are you okay? She goes, oh, you said you'd stay another showbiz lie. I go, no, mom. It's not a showbiz lie. Oh, yes. You're so, where's the Davey I used to know? I go, I'm just leaving one day early because it's too hard to fly on a Sunday. She goes, oh, you have to get back to a freak off. Oh.

I go, I wish. No. Hollywood turned you into a freak-out. Where's my baby? Yeah. Ride bikes with the neighbor kids, I promise. I want to hold you and rock you. Yeah, she does. She's like. That's cute. I like her. And her friends gave me a present.

It's always odd. I don't know what to do with presents anyway. Well, you can't get someone a present. They gave me a present. This is for your birthday from July. Anyway, my mom kept going, oh, oh. And then I go, I got a half hour left. No. I go, Mom, are you William Defoe at the end of Platoon? No.

Getting shot. Your mom turned into William Defoe. I see it. Yeah. Remember in Platoon, he gets shot from the back and goes, ah. And now a word from our sponsors at Betterment. Do you want your money to be motivated? Do you want your money to rise and grind?

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I can't even begin to tell you how bad it was. It was Lord of the Flies in a building. It was called Straight Incorporated. This is the story of Straight Incorporated, an experimental drug rehab for teenagers that infiltrated communities across the country in the 1980s during the height of the war on drugs. We're kidnapping, brainwashing, and torture. We're disguised as therapy.

It's the origin story of the troubled teen industry, which continues to profit from the desperation of parents and the vulnerability of their children. And its roots can be traced back to a cult called Synanon. How do I know this? Because I lived through it. My name is Cindy Ettler, and this is Season 2 of The Sunshine Place.

Listen to and follow The Sunshine Place, an Odyssey original podcast in association with Robert Downey Jr. and Susan Downey. Available now on the free Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts. Bet MGM, Dana, I bet. I don't know if you do. I bet.

Listen, BetMGM, it's at BetMGM, just so you know. It's what the kids are doing. That's what they do, everything. It's the sports book born in Vegas. We have a second chance on first touchdown score. Folks, all season long, BetMGM is offering you a second chance on your first touchdown bet. When a customer places a wager on a first touchdown score bet, and he does not score first but scores second, we will return 100% of your stake back

In cash. Do you get it? Do you get how good that is? I'll do it as Joe Biden. Come on. Go. By the way. And guess what? Here's the deal. I'm not kidding around. This isn't rocket science. BetMGM. Come on. Here's a BetMGM. Faster than ever. BetMGM.

Boom. Rake in the cash after. As Christopher Walken would say, bet MGM is the way to go. Thank you, Christopher. Bet MGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. Bet MGM and Game Sense remind you to gamble responsibly. See betmgm.com for terms 21 plus only. This U.S. promotional spot is not available in Ontario.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Available in the U.S. For New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY. That's 467-369. For Arizona, call 1-800-NEXT-STEP. For Massachusetts, 1-800-327-5050. Iowa, 1-800-BETS-OFF.

For Puerto Rico, 1-800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. Oh, my mom also goes, go eat the cheese. No, she didn't say that. She goes, did you take a bite of what's out back? I go, no. She goes, oh, Davey, I can't believe you're leaving. I just got it in the mail. I go, what?

Sorry, I can't eat the food that you just got in the mail, whatever the fuck that means. Oh, I just got it in the mail. It's ready. I go, what food is in the mail? Will your mom come on this podcast? Can we get her on this podcast? She goes, go eat it. I go, there's crackers and a big circle of something of gunk. And I go, is it cheese? She goes, taste it. I go, just what am I getting into? Should I, is it melted? Is it hot? Is it cold? I don't know. I go.

So I go out there and it's honestly, I couldn't tell you. I dug in, it kind of broke the cracker and I'm like, and I faked and I went and I go, not bad.

Just a generic answer. She was right. I know my, my mother-in-law was eating. It's kind of a pace, but it's made from pig's feet. And this is not a joke. Not a joke. So I was trying to think of things that she would go. Ooh. And I go, yeah, they, um, cockroach feet. They take just the feet of a cockroach. Grind them up and create kind of a jam or a peanut butter spread. She was like, Oh, that sounds okay.

And then they take the abdomen of the cockroach. Abdomen. Yeah. What do they do? I don't know. I just wanted to get a reaction like, Hey, you know, but you know, she's like, Oh, interesting. Yeah. You know, you know, I ran into, uh,

in a car in a parking lot in LA. Your doctor's nurse and she got out and she goes, "Oh, you hit my quarter panel. "I have to tell the doctor." I go, "The doctor or the insurance?"

The doctor first. Oh, I called. I actually talked to her today about another thing. What'd she say? She said, she's so sweet. She goes, I was, the doctor prescribes me a thing where he has to talk to me twice a year. Like, still good? Are you all right? Nothing crazy. A common medication. So I noticed that he'd called me a couple of weeks ago and just left a voicemail. I missed the call. So I told her today that,

I said, I missed the call from the doctor. And she said, Lily, oh, but you were supposed to talk to the doctor. And I go, I know, but I missed the call, so I didn't. So patient. Oh, so you didn't talk to the doctor. Wow.

I'm going to have to make another appointment. When are you available? And I get this. It went on and on. It's a real conundrum. She doesn't know what to do with those. She wants to do a good job. Yeah. And she doesn't want to get shit canned. Then I said, I'm doing a thing called Superfly with David Spade. Oh, David Spade. I remember him from the movie Superfly.

Dickie Roberts. And I go, that sure was a funny movie. And she goes, oh, it made me laugh so hard. Crickets for Dickie Roberts? No, someone's trying to call me. I thought you had some kind of sound effects. Come back and get Dane on here. I can't find him.

I disappeared. Yeah. This happened the other day. What am I supposed to do? I'll go to that shit. Also, Heather's got something to show you. Send that to Greg, that thing. I'll show him what you made. Yeah, you want to? I think it's interesting. Heather has a book and no one told me? Oh, my mom had too many dogs at Thanksgiving dinner. Mm-hmm.

where she had her dogs and my brother had two dogs. And so they're all circling under the table like sharks, you know, and they're kind of nipping and biting. I don't realize my mom's feeding her whole turkey, whole dinner to them under the table. So once they get fed, they're like tangled up my legs. I'm like, hey, beat it. You know, I don't want to sound mean. I love dogs, but give us eight minutes where the dogs aren't barking at each other and

doing territorial games and fighting. Here's a mic drop on this one. Metaphorical cigar. So I'm in the White House having dinner, my wife and I, with George Sr., the President of the United States at the time, and his wife Barbara. And the dog, Ranger, kept coming around looking for food. So I was kind of sneaking some food to the dog. And then at one point the President just said,

don't don't feed the dog and i literally said yes sir i won't but i didn't know is the dog so cute it's like yeah they like it then you leave and now they're yeah and then they're not your friend also before we get this next subject did you send it in okay uh we have we did i don't know if you read but hunter biden your guy joe biden has a son named hunter and he got

left free pardon. Did he start jail yet or not? He hasn't started yet. No, he's not going to jail. He was pardoned. But was he about to? Maybe. He had the trial. The legal system takes so long. But it was potential that he might. So as a good dad...

Pardons are here. Yeah. And you know, Hunter was like, I didn't do one thing. I don't even know what they're talking about. This is so nuts. Literally, I did not nothing. I don't get... And he goes, I saw the 75 videos. Dad, that's so funny. That's AI. That's AI. When I was doing stand-up, here and there, there were no comedy clubs. Not like when you started. Yeah.

In San Francisco, I would still do the Nixon. I would say Richard Nixon was seen at a shopping mall, elbowing people intentionally and then saying, pardon me. And that was the whole bit because he was famously. That's not bad. He pardoned a lot of people, right?

Well, he got pardoned by Gerald Ford. Oh, he got pardoned. Pardon me. They say people like Clinton, probably Trump, who knows, that they just have a laundry list when they leave. But I think Jon Stewart had a good joke last night. Robert Smoggle was telling me it was sort of like the pardon goes back for 10 years. So anything Hunter Biden has done since 2014 is expunged if there's anything. And then he goes to his dad after the pardon.

Uh, you know, I think, uh, maybe just do it through new years. I guess he's planning on maybe having a big party or something. Dad, could you extend it forward like 10 days? But I think that 10 years covers Joe Biden too. No, come on. I'm not getting around here. And furthermore, furthermore, let's let, let me be clear. Uh,

What the people are saying. This isn't rocket science. Let's get serious. I'm not kidding around here. And by the way, guess what? Yeah, that's all I have. Five catchphrases. I repeat them every Saturday night. We'll see what I do tomorrow night. Oh, yeah, it is tomorrow. Whoops. Finally. Finally, we got it right. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Who's the host? Go.

I know. Paul Mescal. Nope. Paul Mescal. Or it's Mescal. Paul Mescal. And Gracie Abrams is the musical guest, who is J.J. Abrams, the famous director, movie producer's daughter. No way. Way. I didn't know. You said it was this guy's girlfriend around together. Girlfriend? It says. Mescal. Oh, Mescal. Yeah. Yeah.

That's his girlfriend, Tommy. You got to wake up. You got to know what's going on. Oh, really? Is that the connection? Are you serious? Starting to get it? Well, well, well. We like ourselves, don't we? We made a fun one. We feel just a little bit superior. Well, it's that special. Who got who into the show?

Did they get her? And she said, I want the dude. But let's wind back this for a second. So they're literally dating. So one got, and then could my boyfriend be in or could my girlfriend be in? Yeah, that's what I'm asking you. Which one did what? Plot thickening. I'm going to do a deep dive on this and get back to you on the next Superfly. Yeah. Dan McCarthy.

Come up with some blabbing and yapping. I kind of, I think I'm kind of getting in a church lady mood. I kind of feel like she's got to come back, you know? You could do it. Well, well, well. Mr. P, Mr. P Diddy. We like, we like lotions and oils. Do they do any Puff Daddy stuff on there? Not that I, maybe update jokes, but not, not a church lady grilling and spanking.

Okay, let's show Heather made, this is what I was getting at. She made over the last couple years, one year, this whole thing. This is miniature, right? Yeah. How high is it? It's called a nook. It goes in between books. It's a book nook. It goes in between your books. Wow. And she had to- That looks like a movie set. Yeah, it's unreal. I had to hand glue and cut out and glue every single thing.

She had to hand glue. She had to cut those little pieces of paper. She had to glue them, open them, stick them. Was she following a guide? How did she know how to make a little tiny chair? Look at Inkwell. Oh, yeah, it was a book with pictures, but it was foreign or something. She couldn't understand. Please tell me you did BTS. Oh. Oh, you get a piece of wood, yeah.

What kind of mind thinks of this? You couldn't do it, Dana. Well, I would wonder when Heather finally said, huh, I'm going to make a little miniature bookshelf. It'll take me seven years and I'll spend 2,000 hours. One year. But it is a lot of work. All right, let's get to the news before you have to give me all your stuff. What's the first headline news that

Here we go. What's going on in America? Yeah, what's the haps? And we just talk about it. Okay, there we go. Oh, this is the kid that trashed Walmart. What was you? Okay, how about this situation? You're in Walmart. Someone's trashing it. Here, play the video. What do you do? No, I don't see the parents. Oh. Do you say anything? Well, you just go and stop her immediately. First thing you do is grab her. Everyone's saying don't stop her.

Don't touch her. Don't do anything. Because the parents aren't there? I don't know where they are. Then she starts breaking jars. Now this woman's saying, don't even record her. Yeah, there you go. Oh, finally. You just have to kind of gently hold her. Are those her parents grabbing her?

I don't know. I thought that I worked here. Yeah, you just have to kind of stop her. It's called a tantrum, David. You know a thing or two about that. Your mom and I talked. I threw the worst fucking tantrum. I don't like my breakfast, buddy. Dude, when I grew up, I'd throw tantrums in my house and I can get away with it. If I did a store, it would be, I would get hit by not even anyone I knew. Someone would just hit me and everyone would applaud.

Because back then I think you had disciplined other people's kids. I think it was pretty cool because if you're going that crazy, we just have to, first thing you do is just got to stop. It's got to stop. It made me crazy to watch that. Yeah. Yeah. It just, you just have to kind of gently stop her from doing it if you're not the parent, but you got to stop them. That's my opinion. I know it's a hot take. It's a hot take. Would you do it if you were in Walmart? Yeah.

throw things around like she does? No, would you do the one tackling? I wouldn't tackle. I don't think you'd have to tackle her. If you're saying gentle and I'm like, so you tackle? Okay. Well, she looked like maybe a 50-pound little girl kind of.

I mean, it might be rough stuff for you, but you know, I work out a lot. So I could fight some of the weight 50 to 70. That's my weight class. 50 to 70. I would gently have gotten down and I would have, I would have said, let's throw something together. And so I would throw like a roast Turkey. And I, and then I would say to her, you know, you, I owe you an ice cream. Let's go to a Woolworths.

Woolworth. Remember Woolworth? Well, Rite Aid has them sometimes too. There's random, like suddenly there's an ice cream store right next to the fireworks. Yeah, it's so weird. I've seen that. And then the cashier has to walk over and they're like, hey, do you have cookies and cream? I'm like, I gotta go.

Well, can't they have a part-time employee over there like, okay, you're a line of 40 people. I'll see you in three minutes. I'm going to do two double scoops over here for a second. Too convenient. No wonder they're going bankrupt. It's not the smash and grabs. It's inefficiency. Good Lord. Get with the program. Next one. Get with the program. Okay. Okay.

Oh, okay. What is your take on this? So DiCaprio's staying at a hotel in Bali or something. He is checking out. The staff alerts everyone. So they're all waiting for him in the lobby. And he ices all of them. Almighty ices. I think that's maybe his girl. So he fakes on the phone. And a song. How did...

Oh my God, how embarrassing. That's all for him? Yeah. Oh, is it a traditional reception they do? I bet it's a tradition for everybody who walks through there. They're like, he's gone and we're not even through the first verse. Maybe they all watch Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. He was really good in that. Well, they all know him. They're probably just saying like, hey, can you play along?

What do you do, Dana? You goof around with those people. Um, I'm a little codependent because I'm mostly a homebody. I'm not out at airports all the time, but I did get, I think I talked about this. I came off the last flight from New York at LAX and there was a big smiling gang of people with all the bobble heads. And what they do is, and again, I, I just said, I, the,

The thing is, okay, is there a time I can do where I'm presenting well for the luck I've had in life and there's a time when you feel like you're being used? In the olden days, you'd have an eight-year-old come up and say, okay.

I loved Wayne's World. Could I have an autograph? And this was you. I'm a bit older than you. And I remember signing the autograph for you. But now it's become commerce in a business. But in that case, with Leo being a global superstar,

You either kind of settle in for a half hour if you're going to start doing pictures, 45 minutes, or you just walk by. I'd like to hear from you, Mr. Spade. Well, I do understand the people at the airport don't understand why I don't like them. And it's because I like fans. They aren't fans. They're never happy if you stop signing. And basically, I say to them, listen, we're in a business together that I don't want to be in.

You, I'm 50% of a business. I don't want to be in. You, you're like, I went and bought this. I drove, I secretly found out your flight number and your frequent flyer number. So I know where you are at all times. So I show up here in your hotel, which is horrible, drives me nuts. And then I come on down here. So you owe me to sign it. That's your part of the deal. And then I go sell it, make the money. I go, I don't want my part.

And they're discombobulated. Well, that's why there's going to be a fight one day because this guy was yelling fuck you to me because I didn't sign enough.

And he goes, you're just standing there. I'm like, this isn't my job. I don't care if you sell that or not. What are we doing here? So, but with DiCaprio, when I leave, I would be like, yeah, I would goof around with him a little bit. I, you know, you don't want to probably get stuck with a half hour pictures if you're going to your flight, but you wave and say thanks and say, yeah, hey, I'm taking off or something. I would think now he's a big star. He's sort of known for being quiet. I'm known for being quiet.

We don't know what here. What we don't really know is the contacts of the video. Now, he may have stayed there. My words, not yours. For a week and a half and came doing some kind of movie or commercial. These big movie stars do overseas stars. So every time he went through, they played that music. And this was the 13th time. Oh, yeah. And it just went like that. But I will say.

It's a numbers game. Like Taylor Swift would have, excuse me, Taylor, pardon me, but there's 76,000 people outside that would like a picture with you. So that's an easy one. You got to go underground or overground. I've seen apartments in New York where they line up on both sides like Taylor and they get from the car and they just walk straight in and they all scream. But

You know, how much does she owe them at that point? She's trying to get, he's got to do that all day, get in and out. Well, you can't win. I mean, even in my little tiny world, if there's 20 people there, they'll just show me and they look, you can't, they're beat up hanging there for hours. They show me a panel. It's got eight little plastic squares. Yeah. That's for fun. And they tell me it's either a buck 50 or two 50. If I just go like that, that,

And so that's $10 a panel. I might be able to feed my family. So you just, you know, you know, they tell me I do one pick which one they go. Okay. This, uh, Ben Schwimmer's Jersey. So I signed that and they go, and what about this? I came all the way here. I go, I just said one, pick that one. Then you should have picked that one. Then he goes, my, my daughter loves it. And she is your biggest fan. And she's holding a Funko like this. And I go,

All right. I go, what movies do you like, little girl? And she goes, who the fuck are you? Okay.

They don't know. They just grab someone and go, tell this asshole you don't have to sign it. He's not going to ask anything. It's the eye, I guess. Yeah, she's got her eyes messed up. Poor thing, you know. I mean, it's just... Just sign this shit. This guy's going to buy me a snow cone. That's the thing. I just go, and then the first time I sign, it's a beautiful D-A-N-A. And by the hundredth one, it's like, it's just... But what I did, this is what I did, and it's going to get worse if I say this, but it's out there.

Because I just got bored signing things. So I started doing a little quick drawing of Garth. So I do Garth. And then people started to bring a TomTom drum top. So, hey, can I get a picture of Garth? So I start drawing these abstract pictures of Garth. You can see the glasses and the hair. And so those are big. And then once in a while, I'll see what your doppelganger is. I don't know if that's the right word. I'll see something. And they've got Mike.

It's like a Wayne's World Rolling Stone. And then they have Garth now. So that's like a big thing for them. It's worth more, yeah. Yeah. So you would get that with Rob Schneider. I get that with if they have almost finished. Vantage Warmers with those guys. Grown Ups poster. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep. That stuff. If you get everybody. And I get baseballs too. What are we doing with the baseball? Why is David Spade signing baseball? I don't know.

I don't know. No. I get the caps that men wear in water polo. I get those. And I go, what's the connection here, guys? I'm not in the Olympic team. I just get jock straps. Just sign it so I can have dinner. Yeah. No, at the beginning, I do a perfect D, perfect cursor. By the end, it's just a liquid fart. I go...

I love that thing. Okay. Liquid fart. You taught my sloppy writing. God damn, I hit this and yanked my thing. Anyway, I'll just say it. Next one. Anyway, Dana, great guy. All right, this is Masterclass, Dana, and this is a gift that is really like an interesting thing to give someone because unique gifts are where it's at. Lasts a lifetime. You can't do better than Masterclass.

I mean, first of all, you learn from the best. Obviously, they have, what, 200 plus of the world's best. That's why Wirecutter calls it an invaluable gift because it is. Learn from any master class instructor anywhere, on your phone, on a computer, on your TV. I'm just looking again. Of course, Steve Martin, we love. Yeah. Basically, a private...

Teacher. Helen Mirren. Penn and Teller, if you like magic. There's so many things they have. Penn and Teller, that would be cool. I didn't know they were on. That would be a great one. I'd love to learn some magic from them. Ken Burns for documentaries. How to Do a Documentary. Yeah. Fantastic. They have so many good, I mean, even Mariah Carey. It's just so many great people.

So many people see got Amy Poehler. She does improv, how to overcome your fears. People always ask about improv and it is tough, but you can learn some tricks. How to turn your passions into...

achievements. Oh yeah. Listen, I think, well, I use this, I know you've done it and 88% of members feel that masterclass has made a positive impact on their lives. I agree with that. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It's a, it's a great thing. You should really give it as a gift because it's so user-friendly little bite-sized videos, really clear and clean. And they take you through the whole class. It's not like, yeah,

Steph Curry. Steph Curry's on there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's just shabby. I'd like to know how to shoot like him. Yeah. Yeah. Shoot from half court and don't look. Yeah. No risk. Every membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. This is great. Masterclass has great offers during the holidays. They always do. Sometimes they offer as much as 50% off. Head over to masterclass.com slash fly for the current offer. That's 50% off at masterclass.com slash fly.

masterclass.com slash fly. Blue Nile. Dana, I don't have to tell you about Blue Nile. I do not. You're the one guy I don't have to tell about Blue Nile, but I will. Yeah. Blue Nile. You will. This is the time of year. Blue Nile blows up the hardest because if you're looking back at your amazing memories from 2024, maybe you're in love.

Maybe you're looking at 2025. What are your plans? Maybe they involve getting engaged, right? You're making a big step. You can source your engagement ring from bluenile.com. Bluenile. Why do all the work when Bluenile will do it for you? Do you know, David...

Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. Did you know that? I actually recall that. But do you know, Dana, the only time we say each other's names is during these. Right. That's what's funny. They offer a diamond price guarantee, which means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond.

And you can feel great about the purchase because you got a great one and you got it for less. Yeah. The thing about Blue Nile, David, they're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. So you can feel great about that too. Yeah. Jewelry is a tough word. I don't know how to say it right. Blue Nile orders are insured.

And they arrive incognito, you know? So you don't have to worry about that. They got guaranteed service and repairs for life.

guaranteed free shipping and return. I mean, there's so much going on there. Yeah. And you know, you're going to want to hear things. There's things you want to hear in life after there, your other significant other opens up their incredible blue Nile gift. Oh honey, you shouldn't have, Oh, I love you, honey. This is beautiful, honey. Where did you get it? Bob's jewelry store? No, no,

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Blue Nile.com. It says two people that rely on her voice. You know, this is our job. Stand up this, whatever. Zycam is great because if you feel a cold coming on, you know, I have Zycam in my bag. Like if you're on the road, give it a couple of squirts because it's sore, sniffling. That's when I go for it because it's sort of,

If you're already in the throes of it, it will speed it up. It will shorten. It will shorten the cold or reduce the symptoms so that the second you start feeling, because sometimes you go, oh man, am I getting a cold? And that's when you hit a Zycam. Boom, boom. Yeah, nail it. And it's kind of fun too. They have rapid melts, medicated food drops, a lot of flavors, you know. Nasal swabs. Nasal swabs. Those are fun. Sprays. Yeah. So you can get it in a lot of different ways.

If you feel a cold coming on at the first sign, reach for cold shortening products from Zycam, the number one cold shortening brand. And for best results, use at the first sign of a cold and continue to use until the symptoms completely subside. Pick up Zycam in the cold and flu aisle. Visit Zycam.com to see where to buy online. All right, here we go. This year old girl decided to something a balloon.

A release a balloon. Oh, this is an interesting story. Okay. The true story. This girl releases a balloon, puts her name, writes a note. Like we all, all of us little girls do. Go ahead. Tiny old girl decided to release a balloon one day with her name and address on a note. Apparently this is actually her grandpa's idea to help her find a pen pal. But although they figured that nothing would come out of it, what happened next just blew everyone's mind. You see around a week after Laura Buxton released her balloon, she suddenly got a letter from Laura Buxton.

As it turns out, after floating for more than 400 miles across England, her balloon had just landed in some random guy's backyard. But right as this guy was about to toss it out, he suddenly recognized the name. Somehow, he actually just so happened to have a neighbor named Laura Buxton, so he simply tried returning the balloon to her. But since she had never even seen this balloon before, she was really confused. And when this Laura Buxton finally wrote back to the address on the note, something absolutely crazy was discovered. You see, not only were these two girls both Laura Buxton, they had the exact same eye color, age, and build. They also owned the exact same pets.

A gray rabbit and a guinea pig with a mark on its butt and a three-year-old black lab. On top of that, when these two girls met for the first time, they somehow both wore jeans with pink sweaters and brought their guinea pigs. And both were even the exact same height of 4'7", which was really tall for their age. They ended up becoming close friends and still are to this day. And Snopes actually verified that all these details really are true. They both hated Dana Carvey. Um...

I would say they're twins separated at birth. Or that was too many coincidences. It was too many. What's this Snopes? What do we have to believe about the Snopes? Yeah, who the fuck believes that? I don't even know what that is. Yeah, what is that shit? Yeah, who knows what's real or not real, but. I believe literally everything on TikTok. I go, oh my God, next one. Oh my God. That's what they want. I'm a good customer.

Yeah. Well, I'm not saying you're gullible, but I'm saying you might be a little impressionable or easy to convince. I don't want to get into something weird. They have to get you in two seconds. So they go, this is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my whole entire life. And then you stay and they go, let me back up. I was born. And then you go, oh.

Then they don't, they want to keep you on for as long as you can stand it. I know. See, we're not, we don't Harbor in that kind of stuff. Maybe because we went to state school on this podcast with like teaser bylines and controversies. And guess what? David Spade says.

Yeah. We just kind of start yapping and hope for the numbers. I just put up a TikTok and it bombed. All right. So, okay, we'll go to the next one. That was just sort of a human interest story. I thought it was sweet, really. Oh, this is classic, dude. Man sent his family's $550,000 savings to a streamer so she would call him bro. Now talk about sounding fucking dumb and fake. And look at this bro. That's not the real guy. Bro.

Well, what would she, would she call him bro for a hundred thousand or how did he get to 550? How about $5,000 to call me and say, bro, come meet me at the airport like they do and give me a little taste, you know, wet the beak. I'll say, bro, I'll say. So she turned down 540,000. Get the fuck out of here. I gave you the number. It's 550. So anyway, how'd you like to, uh,

I didn't want to meet her. I just wanted to hear her call me bro. Yeah, something's wrong. Financially ruin the family and they're surviving on plain buns. What are the odds that the person or the entity that called him was not an AI? So he just gave over a half million to an AI. Oh, that would be worse.

At least he's really buttering up this girl. But some of these girls make so much money. I mean, they fart in a jar. I don't want to gross you out, but there's just things they do. It just makes money. And we're sitting here busting our humps. I've always said it. Just watch the technology. The technology begats the behavior. I mean, the world's first telegraph, the first message was Kansas City. We need food. The second message was Kansas.

Kansas City, what's your name? What are you wearing? Touch yourself. You up. That was it. You up. I mean. Touch yourself, Dana. That's a little risky. That's a little touchy for me. No, I think. That's a little frisky. This is a longer bit. I'll just do the first part. But it was a flight of fancy in my head that. Beep, beep, beep.

What was the world's first phone sex? Because phones, when they came into the home, was really like, operator, get me a Lancer 447. You know, those little old-fashioned phones. The world's first phone sex would have been awkward because they wouldn't know. So it's like, hello, hello? I'm Maude's pa.

Paul, what do you call me for? I got 10 kids. I got to make dinner. What are you doing? Well, Ma, I was down at the Five and Diamond. I saw a lady mannequin wearing nothing but her under things and

And it got a fella thinking, Ma. What are you yapping about for? What do you mean, got you a thinking? Well, Ma, I wondered what kind of pantaloons you're wearing today. Pantaloons? Well, if you must know, I'm wearing my Carter Spanky briefs. Oh, I was hoping you'd wear those catagore print pantaloons I got you in Dodge City last year. And that's...

Part of the bit. I don't want to do that. I like it. Kept going. Dodge City. He went all the way to Dodge City. Oh, yeah. Flannel pantaloons. Yeah. And she gets on her high horse and then. She wasn't really going with it. Paul, did you have a five cent beer? Cause you sound drunk. No, Ma. I had a two cent beer. I'm not drunk. I got an old school boner. I got a.

And don't yell at me about it. So anyway, that's that kind of stuff. So but long story short, today in the digital world, women and men, but especially women and with only fans are able to monetize how men are just sort of helpless people.

Helpless fools. Men are the worst. I mean, my God, who's worse? Horny, greasy, stupid fools. Horny, greasy, stupid, and willing to depart with cash. No joke, dude. My God. No joke. I'm not kidding around here. Okay, lean in. Set me up. Set me up with my Joey.

With my Joey. Katie used to say no joke. That's why I still love it. I want to challenge you. Okay. So Carson, Johnny Carson's alive today and he's going to do a monologue joke about Hunter Biden being pardoned. Okay. Go. Oh, we need one? I don't know. Did you read this today, Ed? I don't know if you read this. Hunter Biden, the one who was having sex with his wife.

brother's wife. He's got himself in a bit of a pickle. I heard, I heard a rumor. Yeah. Someone got into his diary and found all sorts of unsavory things. And so apparently Hunter Biden gets, got pardoned by his father and it was quite controversial because apparently he was under the charges of being drunk and holding a gun on a Saturday night and shooting it off in the neighborhood. And,

Obviously, it was just another night with Ed. Don Rickles over there and said, shoot me and I'll eat a cookie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed's in the corner. Ed, the show started a half hour ago. Give him a cookie, pack him in ice and put him in a home. I like pack him in ice. Pack him in ice. Oh, the show started. Oh.

Oh, Frank Sinatra. Baboonsy Gold. No, I love Rickles. But Johnny, Johnny Kirshen. What's another? I can't think of a good one. I know that's a hard one. What's a news story? Heather? Greg? Nobody. Oh, no. Any news story? Oh, she said alien stories are all over Instagram and TikTok, but they don't talk about the abductions as much as they used to. It's more just sightings, which is a valid point. You know, conspiracy theories.

But I think they do have, when people disappear, I think a lot of it's, I think we have a deal with the aliens where we give them some and they give us some technology. There, I said it.

The last time I saw something that really looked truly alien was Bill the Plumber fixing the faucet. And that crack was as long as an alien spaceship. Longer than San Andreas. I dated a woman named San Andreas a while back, and she said everything wasn't her fault.

Yo! It's not bad. I actually came up with a joke. God damn, we just stumbled into one. Woo! All right, let's do one more. Is there anything good? One more. Wrap this extravagant. And then let's let Dana lay down. This is cute. This is the world's first horse mixed with something else.

Let's see. Do you think this is mortally ethical? There's a ranch in Casper, Wyoming. I almost said Laramie. Sorry, Laramie. It's in Casper, Wyoming. And they hybrided this animal between two different animal species. And I want to see if you can guess which two animal species you think it is.

So the first one obvious is a horse. So its mother was a horse. They were surprised that it came out looking like a horse given who its father was. Now let's see if you can guess who the father is.

A giraffe. Yep. They did breed it with the giraffe. And not much came out from the giraffe besides two things. One is the neck is longer than the average horse. You can measure it right here. It definitely is longer. But second, pretty obvious, the pattern. Good pattern. It's got the giraffe pattern. It's a little bit different. But it is beautiful. They're starting to sell them. They're very expensive. They're almost a million dollars a pop. But are we messing around with nature too much? Or am I just being too sensitive? Let me know.

We're messing around too much. That's a little weird. It's very weird. You hear that, Ed? What they did was they got a giraffe to make whoopee with a horse and

And the only thing that came out was the horse could not reach the apple in the tree. He was frustrated that his neck wasn't longer. Sorry. It's been a long day. I drove three and a half hours. I apologize to our audience. Did that horse's neck really look longer? No, no, it didn't. And it wasn't bred with a giraffe. Oh, gross. Yeah. It wasn't bred with a giraffe. And it wasn't. It wasn't? No, it's all made up. Oh, listen to Dana's take on this. It's all made up.

It's made up. They have a funny horse. It's all made up. And they're trending with fake news. I know. Some of it's fake. You don't know. Most of our stories are made up on this one. Is that a good enough one to end with? Let's do one more. Sorry, in case we have one more. Yeah, let's do a closer. This is called The Closer. Okay. Oh, this drives me nuts. This is at our goddang mall. We go to Century City. What would you do, Heather? I was there during the semester.

Oh, she was there for a smash and grab. She did nothing. Oh, you were. Okay. They were laughing and stealing everything. Now, these guys in their motorcycles, just picture. Wouldn't that scare you? They're like running, you know. Yeah. When they come in numbers is sort of the threatening motif. I mean, look at the guy that rides. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't see that. I don't like it. I just don't like that crime shit going on in all the malls. No, that's like, it's a little bit like Clockwork Orange for the three people who get the reference. And it's too accepted. They're like, hey, you know, here's what you should do when you get robbed. Here's what you should do when they smash your store. It's like, how about we have them not do that? Why are the store owners the problem? Like, you should pay to get more. You should pay to get thicker glass. No. No.

How about arrest somebody instead of just... Yeah, because we went through this. I mean, we went through the lawless West where 20 cowboys would come in, shoot their guns. Ha, ha, ha! Cough, cough.

and everyone would cower, you know, we'll be back tomorrow. And I hope you have that bag of gold. Right. But then they'd fix them. Then we went through law and order and stop it, sir, freeze and all that stuff. And now we're right back to wild, wild West up there on motorcycles. I mean, God dang, it's just like everywhere you go, they're boarding up somewhere. Someone else lost their whole business. You go, what would it sound like when they were boarding up? Yeah.

Hang on. What did you say? What? Oh, we're going to have to... Okay. This... Okay, we got to... Oh, she's going to shoot hoops, try to hit this basketball. Here we go. Okay. Okay. That's a three-pointer. That one's actually a really perfect shot. Okay, this is one shot. Okay, Dana. She can angle. Ooh.

I think it's real. It looks good if it's fake. That's a tough one. Look at that. She didn't even act like it was a big deal. Chris Farley's sister. You see that stance and that's the triple. Well, if that's real, hats off, I'd say. That was a good one. That's a lot of practice. She spends a lot of time doing that. How many thousands of takes in the thousands? What would it be?

It took two years to get that video. For you to do it, how many years? How long did it take Heather to make the dollhouse? What would be the hardest one? It would be Heather and the dollhouse times 10. How long was the dollhouse? A year. It seemed like the Frisbee would be the one because she banked it. Yeah, you could do it on an angle. But still, yeah, I would have to, you know, maybe it was an optical illusion like the basket was like eight feet across or something. I bet I could do the football one.

First. Yeah, sure. Football. Yeah.

I look like Gerwitz today. Yeah, it's Prada. You like Prada? I have a shirt just like that, except mine's expensive. Hey, handsome. And this is your guide through the lexicon that is show business constantly. I see all your money's not going back in the wardrobe. Okay. Oh, you hate money. That's okay. Some people like it. Dana likes it. Rob Lowe likes it. I said I know Rob Lowe's every other billboard.

good for us we're trying to wait on this kick that heather's sending we might have to start with it next week because oh i went to the doctor today dana so i'm feeling a little goosey still are you feeling still like gave you a little little mad or something there's still a little well they get they just checked they just i don't think it's a bad deal they injected me with uh dye or something heroin yeah and they said um

but when they do it you can't eat which i don't like i have low blood sugar so i don't like to not eat so i go i gotta get right in there and just do it but they have to put the uh stickers on me you know yeah and they didn't make me take off my shirt but of course she goes up to my neck under my shirt she's like okay where are your pecs i'm like you're close just stick did they shave your chest

They shaved my pubes for- Even though they didn't put any electrographic thing down. I didn't want to make any waves. I just said, do what you got to do. And then they put the stickers on and they changed them. They weren't like perfect. They look at the monitor and go, they changed maybe 45 times. I kept going, have you guys done this before? What's going on? They're like, we just got to get a good connection. It was like a car battery. They're like, nah, nah, nah. I'm like, because they kept going. Then you go in there and then we inject your veins with-

die and i'm like yeah then it feels very weird it it's a little warm really warm really warm i didn't want to tell you pulsating headache and a pup tent they said was not related so you got kind of turned they injected you with cialis yeah i go is there any viagra let's go to gas station grab a boner pill by the way i like when they're right by the cashier

You know, when you go to check out your gas. I didn't notice that. And they go, Herbal Viagra, huh? Rod for the road? Maybe. Where are you going, Irvine? Maybe a boner for no reason? I'm like, eh, throw one in. Yeah, why not? You're in a lot of quick stop gas station places with all kinds of synthetic beef jerky. How do you like it? It's 4% actual beef, beef jerky. It's synthetic.

All right. I'll tell you more about stuff next week. A lot's going on. Yeah, I want to know what the results of the test was. Oh, yeah. Me too. I'll read them live on the air like Maury. Pulp bitch. Oh, wait. David makes the shot clip. Oh, no. This is me making a shot kicking Petito's bottle when I was on Lights Out. One try. One try. My girl's going wild hat.

Chris Rock and I did a gig. But did it go somewhere or you just kicked it off? This is like for charity. I did a thing where I could do a spin kick and kick off the little top of a Tito's bottle. Did you need to have to ice down after that low stance and the physical movement? Yeah, show it again, actually. Let's show it again. Ready? Oh, God, it starts too fast. You can't even get your bearings. What? Dude, I have the exact same shoes on right now.

That was me going, whoa. Mustache is pretty meager. I mean. Meager. It's wispy. Mustache is a little. Yeah, a little light. But I pulled my hamstring, my quad, my thorax.

Let's bring Lights Out back. That was a fun show. Yeah, it was fun. We might. We might. But next time, don't call a show Lights Out because good night, Mr. Spade. And don't, it's like calling a show canceled. I might have my new haircut next week. I'll tell you. I'll let you know. Are you really, you're not serious about that. You're not kidding. I'm trying. I think I'm cutting the side from like here.

What do you mean? Like in the back. So you'll have a little bit of like a crew cut, just double around your ear. I think I've seen that style, but not on anyone over 30 years old. Well, you can do it if you're a pop star, but no Dana, I'll tell you, it looks going to be great. All right. I got to go. I got so many things going. All right. All this die in me.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.