SUPERFLY #49 - Give Us Your Location
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Find it on AutoTrader. See it, find it. AutoTrader. I went down the memory lane on an Airbnb I occupied once and it was, I'll just say it, awesome. It's clean. It was tidy.

It was beautiful. It was private. Great big kitchen right next to a forest. What's not to like, David? You check that box saying I'd like to be near a forest. That's a good thing. A lot of people like Airbnb because you can do that. You can say, hey, I want to

place with a pickleball court, you know, and they can find you on. You can be in town. You can be in the suburbs. You can be in the country. I mean, you can have a pool. You can not have a pool. I mean, the benefits of Airbnb are just the flexibility of it. Yeah. And the locations and privacy compared to hotels.

Listen, hotels are fine and that's great. But sometimes I think if you get into an Airbnb and you see the convenience and all the things, you don't have to walk by people in the hallway and not get on the elevator and talk about the weather. So you realize that it might really be more tailored for you and it's the turns into the perfect accommodation, whether you're with family, friends, whatever you're on your own, you know, consider Airbnb for your next adventure. I don't think you'll regret the switch.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about doing Garth at 70. Oh, to do Garth again? At 70, bitch. Why not, bitch? That's our first line of the podcast. At 70, bitch. No, I'm very young. Don't worry, fans. I want to thank our fans, first of all, for clicking on Dr. Stephen Greer. Holy tomatoes.

Stephen Greer. How many YouTubes at this point? 2.6 million? I'm going to say more. That's a lot where I came from. Where I come from. You come from Scottsdale. Jesus Christ, they had more clicks than an eight-year-old discovering Google, okay? Not too bad in a pinch. More clicks than Michael Flatley's heels during Lord of the Danes.

More clicks than one of those Irish dance lines will have to be iced down after the knees fall off twice. Pack my fucking ankles in ice. More clicks than Adam Sandler doing a sequel to clicks. More clicks than when you search click during the movie Click in the script.

clicks ahoy yeah so that worked out 20 000 comments about the uh stephen green the ufos comments i know you do and so what was the how did they think my hair looked in that episode

19,000 were about the hair. Yeah. And some were about Stephen Greer. No, people are a little nervous, a little afraid, a little trepidatious. I think all this stuff, there's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories, there's a map we have to show where the UFOs and drones. Drones is another word for weather balloons from the 50s when they say, so a UFO, it turns out to be a weather balloon. And you're like,

I don't know. So there's some drones. I was at the airport. I ended up next to the guy and he went on and on and on about these UFOs. And I said, would you stop droning on? Yeah. Not bad in a pinch. That's two for me. Not bad. I'm up to zero with my clicks and my drone. Dude, the top of your head has got to be empty at this point. I got no notes. You got a whole list of jokes right in front of you. No, I don't. I know you don't. I made that up. No, I do. I, uh...

I have to say that it was very intriguing what he said. It was-- You know, he goes-- There's little 10-minute chunks of answers with him, but he's got a lot of information. So, I think people sift through, like we do. I understand that. That makes sense to me. Northrop Grumman, these places. A lot of these places have tons of money. No one's looking over here. They're building. So, are these drones partially ours?

Are they the bad guys? We've seen this one a lot and I think it was in Interstellar.

you know, point A to point B, but if you fold it in half-- - Oh, the folded paper. - What do you get? I was a little bit like-- - By the way, it doesn't make exact sense to me. Like, I get the idea of if it's C12 time, like, I don't know. - So you fold the universe like a napkin? What are you talking about? - I mean, is the universe folded? I've never tried it, but-- - Yeah, I mean, it's like a folding chair to pick, you know? - No, you just grab it, fold it. - That table won't see 12. Unfolded it will.

But as they were here, no one knows how or why. There's stars out there. They seem like they're beckoning us. So I don't know. I go at it with a quizzical but not cynical open mind. David? I do agree that there's something. Beckoning us. I think my strong opinion is something weird is going on. It's my strong, strong side I take. Well, look. Here's the way I think of this, okay? Yeah.

Science agrees, if science is a thing, that Earth at one point was just an inert rock. It was just a rock. There were no microbes. There's no water. That came from comets. Thousands of comets came and spilled the water. But basically, you have a rock. So if you want to understand the theory of evolution, you put a rock on your kitchen table. You come back four billion years later, Richard Nixon is sitting there. That's evolution. That's it. Oh, my God. No one's...

said it so concisely. A rock turned into Beyonce, turned into Richard Nixon, turned into Elon Musk. A solid rock. They said, because we're so microscopic, that they said that they found water in the galaxy and

a trillion times more, a chunk of water, a trillion times more than we have in our oceans. I'm like, okay, guys, either we're throwing the word trillion around too much, but no one can check that. No one knows. Two scientists maybe. I think trillion is probably an understatement. Any entity, any celestial object that has hydrogen and oxygen could make

That's why we want to get a hotel on the moon and a space things. And we go up there, get the water from the hydrogen and oxygen and get our ass to Mars. But when you go there the first time, you got to bring that shitty box.

boxes of Kirkland water from Costco just to make sure you have some water up there before you find the wells and everything. Yeah, you have to bring a lot of canteens. This is a bit I used to do, which has become, I want people, our audience, to know that they can use it when trying to get advice from friends. So I did a bit about a spaceship in space. Houston, this is Apollo whatever. There is a giant spider, a giant spider in front of our spacecraft. Do advise, please.

- Hi, Paula, whatever, this is Houston. Our advice is to get away from the monster. I repeat, get away from the monster. So that's become a running thing with my brother and I, when there's relationship issues or whatever's going on in any way in your life, just remember this, get away from the monster.

Life is that simple. I think we've finished our podcast. Right. I don't need Mission Control to tell me that. I know that. Oh, Mission Control and Apollo whatever. Yeah, I like that bit. It's a little undercooked. It's like the place where they make the calls and the space thing. Just trying to get to the advice is get away. Should I stay with this guy or this girl? And then you hear about him. My advice is to get away from the monster.

I've run from some monsters. I will tell you, there's a lot of crazy weather. I don't know if this killer fog is real, the poison fog.

I do know that weather porn on TV is something they do like to scare you, and it works. It used to just be really cold back east. Now it's a polar vortex. Let's not throw around the word vortex so easily. We used to have lots of rain. Now we have atmospheric rivers, mofo. What the fuck? Yeah, I don't need any monsoonal moisture. I don't need a river 8,000 feet above my head. Oh, atmospheric river. There's a stormageddon.

Stormageddon. Yeah. You can add "mageddon" and you can have "burrito-mageddon" and it's like a little scarier than just eating a burrito. Yes. Oh, that's right. Armageddon. Who started that besides Bruce Willis? Who said the asteroid's the size of Texas?

Billy Bob? Yep! Billy Bob Thornton. Oh, yeah. One of our own. Either step on my dick or suck my dick, but you got to do one or the other. I'm really enjoying Landman with Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Hamm. They're both great. Oh, is he on it? And others. Ali Carter. Michelle Randolph, yeah. Yeah, but Billy Bob...

in the zone reacting to all these craziness, you know, and it's so much fun to watch as an actor. - Yeah, I've heard Landman is the one to watch, my buddy always gives me the updates. - I'm not saying it's Shakespeare, but it's really entertaining. - Okay, so here's another thing. I'm driving up my house today, my little crooked street to my dumpy mansion, and there's a woman that since I've moved here three years ago,

You know the HOAs are always so tough. I guess this isn't an HOA, so she's just gone rogue. But she puts cones across her whole front yard and her driveway, across the whole thing, one house. Okay. And there's some are green. You notice that, Heather? Green. They're not even matching. And then police tape. Sure it's not Christmas ornaments. No. Okay, go ahead.

You're like the cops interviewing me. No, I know what ornaments are, Dana. I don't. It's not. The cops are interviewing you about the cones? Yeah. And I'm like, no. They go, you sure it wasn't like candles? I'm like, no, they're orange cones. And then police tape, like it's a crime scene. And I want to say to her, hey, get all this shit off of here. Like the whole street looks like a dump, you know, because. Right, right. All it takes is one bad apple. And she said, oh, what happened was.

Because she's a little older and a little crazier. She goes, oh, some people were parking in my driveway. I go, in your driveway? She goes, they were blocking it. And I go, and when was this? She's like, 1987. I go, well, I think the tide has gone out and we're okay for a while. So why don't we just not make our whole neighborhood look like dog shit?

And then you walked and then you got out of your bathroom, stopped looking in the mirror and practicing what you were going to say. Just a meek wave, right? I practice even when I pull up and I don't want to do it when I'm going up the hill because it kills my neck. So I want to do it when I'm going down and then I'll do the window like this. I just stared her through the window and then I got my fingers ready and go, it goes down. Then I go, hey, fucko. She's like 90. She's like me. And I'm like, yeah, who else is here?

And then I continued that speech that I've practiced. All right, here's what we do. We park in front of her house. Heather comes out like it's A&W root beer in the 1960s, puts a tray on our window and we order hamburgers and milkshakes and we eat them as we're staring at our porch. Either that, if you can't move, because I know you've got multiple abodes,

then you got to get away from the monster. That is my advice. Oh, that's true. Yeah. You know, you, I don't want to for sure move in with you, but it's on the table. Okay. Other than that. Okay. That's my. That's the scariest thing I've heard in a long time. Can I move into one of your pantries? We put you in there with your protein bars and your Gatorade. Oh.

Uh, so I had a good Christmas and then it was New Year's. I did-- I went to the Comedy Store, that was fun. Did a couple sets. Saw Tim Dill-- We had one show where it was me, Tim Dillon, Nikki, uh, Glazer and Bobby Lee, Annie Letterman. It was really fun, so...

That was fun because New Year's Eve, I didn't have any plan. So we've been working on it. Who can follow Glazer at this point? It's the year of Nikki. Well, it's hard to follow because she's also working on her Golden Globes set. So she's like, boom. She's working on her monologue. So she goes up and says, everyone, this will be fun. You can be a part of the audience picture of the Golden Globes. And then it's a little different because it's not your regular set. You have to pretend. You pretend that you're like, where am I? What's going on? Yeah, you're like this. Hey, welcome to the Golden Globes. Hey, look at Bradley Cooper, you asshole. And then everyone's like.

Where-- Is he here? No, no, we're pretending we're-- Okay. -You know what? -So... I'm just gonna insert this because they-- YouTube, for some reason, feeds me Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes. Yeah.

And no one could really follow Ricky Gervais, but now Nikki. Nikki is going to save the show, and I will negotiate her second hosting deal for her. I will tell... They're going to start calling her Nikki Gervais because... Because she can stay likable and shit on people because she has this intrinsic likability. Yeah. Well, they're expecting... I mean, I think it's the closest...

to her doing the roast. You know, a captive audience, they know it's coming. I think the Emmys for her wouldn't have been as good of an idea. I think they talked about her hosting that. The Emmys are a little more fluffy and boring. And this, at least, everyone's close. You got a lot more movie stars. And you can directly hit them. Yeah, they're right there. Let's play a little game for a second. Okay. You're the host. You see Bradley Cooper. You want to do a friendly jab. Hi. Hey, Bradley.

I'll do one. I'll do one. If you don't want, I'll go first. Go ahead. Bradley Cooper. Oh yeah. The maestro. We remember that. Didn't do that. Well, I guess it wasn't conduct conducted properly. Okay. That's all I got. Sorry. That was an ad lib folks. Hey Bradley. Uh, I was going to see the maestro, but I was sick that day. I was sick that year. It kind of came and went. Okay. Let's see who else will be there. Hey, um, Jennifer Lopez. How are you?

I hear you're dating Matt Damon. That's not to get back at Ben, is it? Look at our fictitious crowd work is bombing. I know, but that's why we do it here on the podcast when it's only us and our 275,000 subscribers. The best crowd work is when you do the front row like we've talked about and no one can see in the back.

So you go, look at this muscle man up front. He's like this, pick up the table. And then everyone laughs. And then you look at him. He's a meek little nerd. I know you just invent characters up front. They can't see. Look at this dwarf. What's he doing up here? Look at four eyes. This dipshit.

Other than that, I did see the set she's doing for the Golden Globes. Very good. Should be great. It's going to be great. I'm excited to see that. Will Tom Brady be at the Golden Globes? What if they just put him there swinging his shit on me? She should plant him in there. It'd be funny. It would be funny for him to have a set. She should tell the Golden Globes, act like you're the Tom Brady audience. I'm going to do Tom Brady jokes.

All right, let's get to our hot stories. Yeah. We have no guests. Do you have a story? I'm sorry, we didn't talk about your- No, I have an observation. Yeah. That in Hollywood, and I know there's people working this week, but in Hollywood, you do the Christmas, you do the New Year's,

And now there's these days that we're podcasting and these are lost days. These days you can't really start a project or end a project. You never know what day is it. Is it Friday? Is it Sunday? Yeah, that's true. I'm completely disoriented. It just makes me really sad. Yeah, I know that the agents who don't like to work anyway, they are usually... First of all, if Christmas is on the 25th, usually...

they take off on the 9th. Not kidding. It used to be like the 15th of December shutdown. Now it's creeping up. The day after Thanksgiving, it's slim pick. I mean, literally people go...

We were pitching something and they go, and it was like the 1st of November, and they go, well, we'll try to get some dates in January. I go, to pitch it? And they go, well, it's November 1st. It's just Halloween. They go, well, you got Thanksgiving and then no one really does anything until the New Year. So everyone's supposed to come back on the 6th. So I checked with someone. They go, yeah, we're going to sort of trickle back 6th, 7th, 8th. They're in villas. Trickle back? It's New Year's Eve. I can't remember it.

And guys, they're in Hawaii or the Caribbean in a villa. It's not a high-rise hotel room. It's a villa with servants and a private boat and a private yacht. I mean, they work hard. So they take a couple months around the middle of the year. They take all year. Don't you have to bring your Dumbo kids back to school or anything? I mean, anything you have to do? They have someone else doing that. I'm sorry to break it to you, Dave. It's called a nanny, all right?

They have the jet and a little baby private jet takes the kids. Yeah. Junior wants a banana split. Crack. Make it. Servant. Yeah. Junior. All right. Watch your stories. Okay.

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Oh, I think I'm annoyed that California, we live in California, folks. They keep asking for money for homeless. Fine. I used to vote for that and when I go vote. But now the last 24 billion, it's gone unaccounted for. They can't figure out what they spent it on. Fine. I mean, that's 18 zeros, babe. Can we keep some tabs on it? Wait a minute.

Taxpayers pay money. Government has 24 billion. What are you going to do with it? We're going to get it to all these different homeless initiatives and agencies, and we're going to take care of the homelessness. Four years later, hey, there's twice as many homeless. Where'd the money go? We're not really sure right now, but we'll get back to you. The grossest part is then they go, by the way, we're raising money for homeless. They're taxing you again. I'm like,

I'm all for paying taxes. I love it. But if I can't see anything from it, like just show me a road in front of my house. It's a little smoother. Take down the cones and the police. Then I'll go. Something in my life is better. But you want more for home? And then people are coming in that are homeless. Now it's like the homelessness getting worse. Increased. So if it's not that it's not, it's not the same. It's 24 billion and it's going up. I'm going to call it.

It feels like a business that something's going on where obviously we don't know about because people forget. It used to be millions of dollars that everything, it was just in the last five, seven years that you started giving away a billion and now it's like chump change. It's a hundred billion, 200 billion. And guess what? This is the way the government works. If they fund a program, 24 billion. And if you said we solved the homeless problem,

but we only spent 15 billion. That's considered a failure. You got to spend the budget so you get the same amount the following year. Right, because COVID money was left over and they wouldn't spend it on home. Anyway, I'm not going to fix this town. Biden's passing out COVID checks today because we had left over $250 billion. A lot of people didn't claim the check anyway. Come on. I remember there was an earthquake. He's like,

No, the hurricane. Remember to get your COVID shot. That's the first thing we have to do on the way to fix the hurricane. Get your COVID shot. It says right here. I'm going to do everything I was ever going to do. What did you just say? He's getting worse. I saw him today talking about there's tragedy. Of course, the new year brings immediate tragedy. And he's like this.

Hey, man, this is a bit of a fuck-up, but it's all going to fucking smooth out in the big picture. He's definitely camping. He doesn't even know what's going on. I did him really strong, and people got all flipped out. There's no crisis at the border. What are you making fun of that guy? Behind the scenes, he's running laps around us. Hey, Jack. Get your facts straight, Jack. I love when he's tough. Okay, what's the next one? What's the next one? Bye-bye.

Kroger just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition. Oh, okay. Play what this guy says. Okay. Just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition technology.

This means that Kroger has the ability to change the prices of their products depending on the image of the person buying them. Not to mention that most corporations already own a lot of our data. This means that depending on the image of the person buying the product, they can access our information and dictate that price. We can also use our image to determine how often we buy certain products and increase the price of that product.

could lead to discriminatory practices using ai as a scapegoat it gets worse people of different races turn it different they used to do it if you had a roland or pulled up in a bentley but that guy all i'll say about that guy perfectly nice guy but he could really really play an ai robot in a movie without any he was very is that guy ai he looked very digital me to me what kroger is doing

is studying you and raising their prices. Now, where do they study you? Like you lean over for a head of lettuce and there's a camera in the lettuce or something? Or they do it when you check out? What they do, Dan, they see me and they go, he, it goes, he orders lots of kumquats, raise the price on them.

Because I need them. Like whatever I need, they inch up the price, I guess. Well, if they go to your lovely home and you say, we're going to trim your hedge. And then they look around and they see a few things, look at a couple of things and they go, that'll be $1 million. Oh, yeah. And then you go in the mirror and tell them off. You come out and you say, okay, guys. I told you I got a car wreck.

i was on sunset i tell you this already and then i just tapped a guy in front of me it was more like for fun it was just funny and then uh yeah he got out and he goes are you david spade i go yeah and he goes so he literally was like i was like well listen because he was pretty cool about he goes i'm all right and we look and he goes my car is all right i go yeah and then i'm like well should we get

take pictures or something he goes yes i'm like selfie i just wanted to like get a selfie and get out of it but uh he goes no maybe of the car so we did that and then could you see any damage yourself no i know to mine was a little on the license plate but to his nothing and then uh

And then I'm like, listen, let's get out of here. I mean, I guess we'll never know whose fault it is. Who's to say? Yeah. He's like, well, you were behind me, so I guess it's yours. I'm like, sure. And then anyway, so don't hear from the guy for two weeks of Christmas. And then he's insurance contacted us and a lawyer. Really? Yeah.

Oh, because he's feeling a little sore? No, because he goes, his first question is, are you David Spade? So he tells someone that and they're like, oh, well, obviously you're going to sue him even though you're fine. He's like, oh, I mean, I guess. I don't love it. So is there a lawsuit or what? I mean, there's a lawyer involved now. I don't know what's going on exactly, precisely, but I don't like that.

I feel like it's Kroger price gouging with me with the same. You know, it's just, they're just doing it more sophisticated. People would gouge all the time. And, and, you know, I knew someone who literally kept a neck brace in their closet. And if they ever got a fender bender or thought anything, or even kind of walked on an escalator improperly or something, they just lawyer up and they've made a lot, a lot of money because people just want it to go away. They wouldn't say, give me a million, but they go, Oh,

50 grand, I'm gone. You know, pay him. That person was John Lovett. Oh, no. We got to cut that out. No, he's coming back on. He's our favorite guest. The funniest and favorite. Okay, next story. What's on the hot off the presses from three weeks ago? Oh, this is funny. This is one of the football games. Okay, you know, they all run out at the start. This is like from a movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, here we go.

Oh,

What is this? The poison fog in Florida? Jesus. Look at the hell wipe out and pile on each other. They all wipe out because there's too much mist to make them look like they're goddesses, gods coming from the Viking mist. The freaking smoke guy was like this, ish, ish, ish. I'll get a raise. He should have done that. They weren't all at rehearsal, I'll tell you that. Yeah.

- The college sports, you could never exactly, I played Nylunds, well, I actually played near New Orleans, and the guy gave us a tour of the campus. It was all stadiums. Baseball stadium, football, 100,000, that's 150,000 people fit in that stadium. That's bigger than any NFL stadium. We've sold out for 48 years in a row. I mean, it's kind of like, it's a game, people.

That's high school too out there in Texas. Friday Night Lights. Great show. You know, this reminds me of one time when I was in SNL. I went to a strip club with Timmy Meadows. Timmy Meadows? Tim Meadows. I like how I dragged Tim into the story. But we went. I made him go with me. I go, let's go. And there was a...

A girl named Terri, I can't say her name. Anyway, we saw her, we knew she was in Playboy, but she had jumped, made the leap into porn. It's not a huge, it is a big leap.

It's just from, you know, naked to porn, which is, you know, especially back then. That's all done now. Only fools do that. Sex workers are great. Only fans is everything now. She had to go out there. Like, you know, listen, porn now is just on your phone and the girls are like, I'll stay in my house. I wouldn't know. So Dennis Miller and I were trying to write a sketch about –

like a porn star husband because she had a little show she did because, you know, she did like two shows a night. So she comes out and the guy's like-- He's got like a little board, he's like this--

little smoke machine little puff of smoke comes out she comes out and then he's like this he's got like light board like this it's this big he's like lights down and up and then then it's like it's the cheapest he's got a long ponytail he's like babe and then afterwards you get a Polaroid with her for 20 bucks and

And he was like, "I'll handle the money." I don't like the music choice. To me, the classic is like... ♪ Da da da ♪ ♪ Da da da da ♪

Yeah. I mean, that's classic. So the idea is going, yeah. No, he's trying to add music. He's trying to be the manager and the husband and the stage direction and the lighting. It was just all so lo-fi. Mm-hmm.

uh and that that was i give them credit for trying but only fans is is the shall we it i read about them in business business sites about you know global business it's up to seven billion a year generated on on only fans so and anyone can go on there by the way they want comedians on there they want to branch it out but yeah i don't want all whitney cummings is on there

Yeah, there was a woman making a... She made about a million a year, and she's never naked or having sex or anything. She might be in her panties or... I don't know, but it's not... It's soft. And then she talks of lonely fellas, too. Yeah. You know? So it's... Yeah, she's pretty cool. I like her. Yeah. Yeah.

Will I do it? I'll say maybe you'll see. I'll do it. Whitney's on a different, there's OnlyFans and OnlyFans TV. Well, she's on, yeah. Whitney's OnlyFans is like for comedy. Give Whitney time. She would laugh at that. Whitney did a good job at CNN roast. Did you see that? I heard about it. She did some funny jokes. Also, if I do OnlyFans, I'll just do...

Carnival food, and I'll go click on this and you'll see my corn dog." And then they click for $20 and then they go, "It's a real corn dog." I go, "That's what I said."

I say, send you turn around. They see your Cinnabons. All right. How far is this metaphor going about the sexual proclivity of a man who's substituting Danish and circus snacks for their appendages? Proclivity. Hey, I know I get, I get smarter when I do Dennis, if he's listening, get a big turkey leg. My IQ gets bigger, by the way, I just want real quick, uh, new year's resolution for David's Bay, just so we can do a,

A viral thing. I know you got something locked and loaded. New Year's resolution. David Phineas Space. What is mine? Yeah. You don't have to have one. I don't think I have any great ones. Your resolution is not to have a resolution. People go like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't have any major ones. I'm just trying to use less than 22 hours a day on my phone.

that's what my last report was and i'm like we got to pump them numbers up

My phone beats me up every day. First of all, I had an Apple Watch. I lost it 10 years ago. You almost close your circle. I'm not even clicking on anything. You could get there. You're behind, actually. And then it says, congratulations, you beat last week's record. You're on your phone for 79 hours. Reminding me. When it shows you how much phone usage, I walk away. I put the phone down. I turn it over. I go, I don't want to know.

Have you done this where it says, hey, iPhone? Because they go, here's a story that's so interesting you'd like. And I go, all right. And I click on it. It goes, join the Wall Street Journal right now. And you can read it. I go, no, no. Don't bait and switch me with that horse shit. I don't play that shit. I do a lot of clickbait on some of these sites, like CNN. Like, OK, I'll click on a fucking thing. And then it's like, are you a subscriber? Join. Would you like to join for a dollar a month? Good headline, though, huh? What's it about?

You wanna know? - I know. - Just put your email in, we'll give you a free one for a little bit. - Okay, answer, just live, don't even think. Are these a plus positive for society or negative? Yes or no? Plus? - Sons. - Plus for humanity or minus? - Plus. - Okay, I know where your bread's cluttered. - What do you say? What do you say, no? - I don't know. I'm an analog man in a digital world, you know? - Listen, I was doing fine with an abacus forever.

Abacus, what's the next line and joke for abacus? That's funny. I had one in the 60s. Is that too old? I'm not sure what the substitute is between- Calculator. A calculator. There you go. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Well, I was writing notes. We were writing notes in class and that's gone. And do those little fold up napkins thing? Instead of texts. What were those things? You'd write things on them, you'd do a little fold and then you'd do a little puzzle or something.

That's one of the four phones. What about at SNL when Sarah Sherman's like, then I texted Lauren and said, why did my sketch get cut? I'm like, you text Lauren? That floors me. As a cast member during the show? Oh yeah, Lauren was giving notes when I did Hunter Biden and then we're all sitting there and Lauren's got a microphone now and he's like...

"Cold open." And he starts reading and then he goes, "Sarah," 'cause she was like, "Matt Gaetz, maybe you gotta face the, you're not in the light enough. Can you face more toward the middle?" And she goes, "I'll try." I'm like, "I have, how about, yes, sir." - I remember one, was that the show where he said, "Dana, you look like you're reading the cards." And I said, "I look like I'm reading the cards because I am reading the cards." - I go, "Can Wally give it to me so I can just hold it?"

Well, it's a lot of fucking dialogue. I used to, I was doing, yeah, here we go. And then I'd fall down or something. All of a sudden, um, that thing was written last minute. They did an incredible job, but it was a lot of, uh, traffic. I was not used to it, but you know, I got used to a little bit cause they're removing the cards inside baseball for the audience.

there's a single shot of the church lady. They'd move the cards under there and then they'd move them over there, you know, and there was a little bit, where do I look at my single or do I look at, look at the wide shot? And we needed more rehearsal to get that down. Sure. That ain't SNL. Cause they go Hunter Biden, right? They go Hunter Biden. You deliver that one thing about Trump straight to camera. I go, all right. And then I did it. And after dress, they go, we're moving the camera. We'll tell you where it is. You'll figure it out. And I'm like,

I wouldn't count on me figuring it out. Why don't you just tell me? And then while Matt Gaetz is on, while he's literally over there pointing and going like this, I'm like, what does that mean? I'm on in 20 seconds. And then the guy goes, he says, it's changed now. You're looking at a different camera. I go, and what camera would that be?

We're trying to look relaxed inside baseball. I'm trying to be the Church Lay interviewing Hunter Biden. We're trying to be relaxed, having a conversation. We're seeing like nine cameras and 25 people nervously staring at us. Cute card guys waving cards and moving them around. The audience behind them wondering if they're going to laugh. They're looking at the monitor, look at us, look at the monitor. And the whole time, be relaxed, land your line, under-rehearse. It's a fun job. All right, next story. Next story.

Next story. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of leg surgery? Have you heard of leg? Turkey's where everything's happening. Everyone's getting hair transplants and leg surgery. So this is a guy who has me and the boys. Oh, leg lengthening surgery. Leg lengthening. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, that's big. They go to Turkey to do it, and it's very real. This is not a joke. So this says, me and the boys after we go to Turkey for leg lengthening surgery. This is an orthodontic surgeon. Okay, play the surgeon too. I want to hear what he says for a second.

Me and the boys after going to Turkey to get leg lengthening surgery. Yeah. So this is a thing. Is this fucking real? Look at that. No, they look, they're wearing the size of your arms guys. I mean, but this is real in a way. Cause they do do it. I think these are too big, but they can do about three or four inches. They cut your leg in half.

And they insert metal things and then put it back together. It's like, just pretend you've been in an auto accident. Hey, how was that auto accident? Oh, I'm fine now. When I told people was, yeah, I just said, I'm writing a script. I need to be quiet for the next couple of, don't bother me. And then they go, where's the script? I go, what script is that? By the way, I'm six three. And they go, oh, that was Turkey. Yeah.

So it's ironically, it's in Turkey. Why is everything in Turkey? I don't know. What is up with Turkey? They're messing around with Syria. Trump, they're very tough. They're leader. Eragon, he's a tough cookie. He's a smart cookie. He's a sweet cookie. You can get a lot of cookies out of him. The new Trump, I'm working on the new Trump because he's not at the rally screaming. He's more quiet now. So there's going to be a new Trump that I'm going to- And he won, so he doesn't have to try as hard.

Yeah, he can be more conversational because all his dreams came true. Listen, it's very good and we're doing things. That's the new one. I like that. We're going to take care of a lot of people and a lot of people are talking about it. You can see it and look at it. He's so happy. Don Jr.'s got a new chick. She just buzzed by Mar-a-Lago the other day.

- Don Jr. - I know, they sent the old girlfriend, woman, they sent her to Greece. They're sending her to Greece, to Greece she's going. She was dating Don Jr., they were gonna get married, but were sending her to Greece. And she's in Greece, she's gonna stay in Greece and be our ambassador to Greece. - Senator of Turkey. Get some longer legs and come back. - I'd rather go to Greece, get on an island, you know? - Oh yeah, that does sound like a bad deal. It's not exactly Alaska, so.

antarctica all right next one we're doing great dana i'm so proud of us okay you read this one construction of luxury ski resort in the ukraine starts in the middle of russian invasion i never know what's going on with ukraine what is going on that can't be real well some of these things i see on instagram it's like ukrainian nightclubs everyone's like every girl's beautiful and they're like i'm like are are

What is going on? Well, maybe most of the war is this in the... Maybe it's on the outskirts or something. Not at the east or toward Russia. Maybe it's on the way west in the mountains. I don't want to say they're flush with cash, but they do have probably a little extra laying around because how can you spend that much money? I don't know. It's a problem to get it spent safely and accurately and legally. I say one word, fishy.

I'll leave it at that.

- Well, the weird part is, and I'm just reading this off my phone, but the people who are in charge of the California homeless 25-year-old happened to be the Committee to Free Ukraine. It was Ukrainian. - The same accountants. - Same accountants from Ukraine were working in California. - Can we fire those accountants? I don't think they're nailing it. - We're gonna stop it. We're gonna stop the war. Very fast. It's gonna take one minute. I'm gonna do it in less than-- - I like when he goes, "One phone call."

War over. What's the phone call? No, no.

No, no. No, we're dealing with tough cookies. These are tough. More cookies? These cookies are tough, and you got to hand it to them. He's a tough cookie. He's a smart cookie. But I'm telling you what, we got cookies too. He asked me, he said, do you accept cookies? I knew that was coming. Let me ask you and our fan a question. Please. A hundred times a day, they say, can we have your location or not?

Is that true? That's what mine is. Yeah. Can we have your location? Allow it or not allow it? Why do they want it so bad? First of all, they know where it is. Uber comes to get me. Everyone knows. Then I go, hey, how far is it from, I said the other day, like Syracuse to Naples, Florida? And they go, you'll have to give me your location. I go, you don't need it.

How, just how many miles is it? Give us your location. Just go to settings. It's so easy. I go, it doesn't matter. What's the temperature there? Well, give us your location. We'll tell you what it is over there. I go, fucking Siri. And I go at it. Guess what's the latest is. Cause I have somewhere for movie theaters. We'd like to, we,

We'd like to have your precise location. I'm sorry, what? Stalker? Which part of the house are you in? Yeah, precise location is the latest one. But when I say you're not allowed to have my location, then the Wi-Fi sucks and I can't. The stuff goes shitty. Then I go allow it and I notice it's better. They get what they want. You want to make your life easy? Just say yes to everything in your life. They allow if you want to have good Wi-Fi in your life.

If you want to be a smart cookie, a good cookie, any kind of cookie. Yeah, I'm telling you, Siri's been a real twat. I hate to use that kind of language. All right, what's the next one? Seriously? Siri has been. At Sierra, you'll always find apparel, footwear, and gear for 20% to 60% less than department and specialty store prices. But right now, it's clearance time, so you can save even more on everything you need to get active and outside. Visit your local Sierra store today.

ABC Wednesday. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears. Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So, a couple of days. When his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended up.

The wheels come off. Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults? Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore. Series premiere Wednesday, 8, 7 central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Okay. Underwear versus seven office. I think a fight's going to break out. I don't know what this is. Everything's happening in Bella serious or Bella, Bella Russell. Yeah. I think these cops, when they don't have guns, they're,

Who's scared of him? This guy in his underpants isn't. You can't even trip him? The kids are involved? Look at this little kid in his shorts. What's he gonna do? Look at this little girl. Your wrestling is useless. I mean, look at Spade. I can't take him down.

He's so angry that he's got a superpower anger strength. Why is he mad? What is he on? Give me his underwear. He's terrorizing the cop.

The underpants burglar is back. Listen, you got to see that. Click on that if you will, if you're listening to this in your car. It sounds worse than it is. And his underpants, he's kind of a heavyset bald man. He's terrorizing dozens of people as police officers don't know what to do. He's really doing nothing. He's not shooting up the place. He's just running around screaming. And there's kids. I would be too. I'd be like, hey, dude, beat it. Like,

Don't scream around kids, dipshit. To me, that's just another Saturday when I was a kid. Another Saturday in Belisarius. What's it called? Belisarius tonight. Gerald Ford. What's it called, Heather? Belarus. Belarus, people. Look at you. Belarus, Belarus. Can you do the Fandango? Belarus, Belarus. Could you do the Fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning. What movie is that from?

Wayne's World. Did you hurt your neck in that? A little sore. You know, we had Penelope and Chris and I did it in a scene in, I think, Black Sheep. And she goes, shake your head more. I go, I can't. It's too painful. Because Chris has like no bones in his head. He's like this. He's like a, he was like Gumby. Yeah, he could just. I'm like, I can't. No one's looking at me. No, Howard's a this. You were really doing the same thing. Dun, dun, dun, dun. We were doing it not to. Different music. It wasn't exact ripped off, but it was like.

Just some hard metal or something. But it kills your neck. I would never do it today. Never.

You know, you just get in a way where you fake it. Like there's this heavy metal band, German, Rammstein, and the lead singer, he's this hulking German guy. Dos, ais, dus, ros, dis, en, zwei, drei, vier. And it feels like he's getting a little older now, but he wants to do that big old vomit the donut with the head. Flip their hair around. He kind of gets in a low squat and he's sort of more moving his shoulders than the head, you know? There's ways to fake it to make you, we'll talk about it for your next, when's your special coming out?

By the way, April, I think April, by the way, bus boys, I haven't even looked at that. Bus boys, the new movie that's going into production. Can I announce that? Yeah, we're going the 10th. It's coming up. Theo Vaughn and David Spade are the bus boys. By the way, I bring it up because I forgot that I'd probably have to carry bus tubs. And I go...

How many Styrofoam ones do we have on the set with fake pretend paper glasses and they're like, "Dude, are you joking?" I'm like, "This is a strong one." I go-- No, you better have. Didn't you write this? I'm like, "I know, I didn't really think."

Well, are you clearing a table with a tray and carrying it like that? I mean, you know how it is. Like when I'm a bus boy, they have all these posters in the back, like lift with your legs, look straight up. I'm like, yeah. When you're out in the field, like I am boots in the ground, you know, Dana, you're like, there's the kettle of pitcher of water. Rip your back. There's a pot of coffee. Rip your back, lever arm, ripping neck, scalenes. I had to take giant things of hot,

because I cleaned pots, gigantic pots that weigh a freaking ton. And then I would spill the water out. But one time it went on my left wrist and it hurt for 20 years. 20 years it hurt. Finally got rid of it by doing exercises on it. But yeah, I hurt myself a lot. I do too.

Well, no one wants to see anyone do that signal if they're over 12. Remember, I used to be embarrassed to go, Mom, it's so dry in Arizona. When you're at the store, can you pick up some Jerkins? Do you remember Jerkins? Lotion, we called it Jerkins. Jerkins, and that was- I think the commercial should have said that. Also, there was rose milk. Gross. I was at the lake with some buddies doing like a-

guys weekend and my brother my brother loves beef jerky so he did this joke of probably five six hundred time he'd put the have the beef jerky he'd hold it up to you and say jerk that was every time that would kill jerk and it would kill in the room while we were all we had a couple pops you know yeah i'm happy to use some fucking wobbly pops just all beer you know

Lager beer. No harm done. All right, we can keep going. Let's go another one. This is so entertaining. Okay, I'll read it. There's a woman. We always read them because people listen to it. Are driving. There's a woman sitting on a commode dressed. Yeah. Three unusual benefits to getting rid of toilet paper and using a family cloth instead. I have not heard about this.

I did not know this. Go ahead. What is she doing? I have to worry about this. Let's go. Okay, there's no more toilet paper. She's got like a rag. A rag and she's going to wipe the bottom. Is that it? You save $465 a month. Well, do you rinse it out after each usage or? Do you hand it to the next guy? So it's just a face rag and then you wipe your behind and then you

I don't know. I don't love it.

It's okay. Covered in skitters. Well, I don't know if I want to use it second, third, fourth, fifth, you know? Well, I have a personal experience with this. It goes back a few years. I'm four years old. I get up before everybody. Poopity, poopity time. There's no toilet paper, so I do use a little hand towel. And being four years old, I put it back on the rack. I'm a full Monty.

So then later on, my dad comes out. Oh, Jesus Christ, what's this? So I had to get in the living room. He made me go get his belt. I had to grab my ankles and all my siblings gather around. Then he asked how many, how many? And I got a nice little whooping. It's a show like Gladiator. Yeah. How many should he get? Yeah. It was like a thousand, a million. He's like, keep it within reason.

My other poo, do you want to hear my other poo story? It's 30 seconds. Well, I do know I had to pick the belt once when my dad showed up once a year to give me a spanking. Did he snap it? Go get the belt. I'm like, uh, and then I got a drink. I go, you want a belt of whiskey? And he's like, nice try. No,

- No, later on I'd go back, I'll go back there for 10 minutes and go, "I couldn't find it, dude." He forgot, "What did I need it for?" - Oh yeah, that's great. Okay, what's your other poop story? Hurry. - My dad did not like to stop. So when we're driving in the station wagon to Montana, once you get going, you just keep going. You know, "I gotta go." "Oh Jesus Christ, you can go and win a mocha." And again, I'm three or four, poo my pants.

get to the Uncle Jack's house. He goes, hey, something smells coming out of the car. I go in the bathroom, take down my drawers, and I see the whole situation. The only way to get clear is to get the underwear and get rid of them. You can't flush them, can't put them in the thing. So what I did was I crumpled up the soiled underwear and I climbed, there was a window that I climbed out of, went in the backyard, dug a hole with my hands and buried the underwear.

Your underpants? I buried my underpants. Now, your words, not mine. You took off your soiled drawers, climbed out a window, and buried your underpanties? Is that your testimony? What grew? A poop tree? Ha ha ha!

No, years later they sold the house and some people were about to buy it, but then they went over there and they were kind of decayed and archaic, like a fossil thing. Dude, this is the grossest fucking... I'm sorry. I've really turned. No, I don't care. Pop quiz. Best movie of 2024. For real? Look at this. I like your thumbs up. Oh, look at that. Is Heather doing that? Oh, okay. This is...

a woman explaining to a cop, a real woman, she wants money for something. I can't remember. Go ahead. Let me see. - Gave her a 20 and she didn't give me nothing. - Why does she owe you $20? - I gave her a $20 bill. I gave her a $20 bill. - For what? - For anything. I don't care. Whatever it's for, but she can give me my money back if she ain't gonna do nothing with it. - Okay, were you planning to buy some drugs or something? - Yes, I was.

What kind of drugs were you wanting to buy? Rock. Rock? Yes, I was. You gave her $20 to buy-- I gave her $20. She gave me some plaster. And now you want your $20 back because she didn't supply you with crack cocaine. Well, if she shouldn't have given me nothing, no plaster or nothing, she should have said no. What's going on?

I agree. Lord have mercy. This is the real world out there. I like the people who call the cops. Why do you want the cops involved in that?

I don't know. I'm processing the whole thing. This is where some of the $20 billion would get just to help rebuild that neighborhood and create jobs. Yeah, let's rebuild it. Yeah, rebuild it. I mean, give them some decent wage jobs.

You know, listen, in every, every city's got some tough neighborhoods that are. I mean, I always think of you like great comedian and all that, but if it didn't happen, if you didn't figure out that was your calling, I always thought you would have been a great, a greeter at Best Buy. Male prostitute? No, at Best Buy. Oh, a greeter? At Best Buy, you would sit up. Yeah, I would probably be pretty good. Hey, welcome to Best Buy. Can I, you know, you would have been just great at that. Relax. Is that the one where I have a blue shirt?

You'd have some kind of shirt or maybe red or some kind of green. It's best to buy a blue shirt. I think so. Blue and yellow. I could do that. Yeah, I like that. Blue and yellow are the colors. I would like that. I would do that. If I didn't do this, I always feel for people because I don't know. I have absolutely no skills. None.

Well, I always thought, because I majored in broadcasting, communication arts, what a goofy degree a lot of people do. Well, maybe I could be an AM or an FM DJ. A radio announcer. Oh, a DJ. Yeah, yeah. That's good. And a small, like in Santa Rosa or Fresno. This is the dang rock. I used to do this joke where...

It's let's see. What was it? It's like it's 219 in the city to 24 on the Dane rock. The Dane rock always had a slightly different time. Why is it Dane rock ahead of time? I don't know. It's 2. It's 1228 in the city. 1247 on the Dane rock.

That was the joke. Fucking Dane Rocks. It's just so happening or something? It was just Dana. Dana has a FM called the Dane Rock. Yours would have been, it's Spudly time in Spudville. I'm your host, David Spader. No, I think I came up with a rap name. Here's my rap name. Pump Fake. Mm-hmm. You okay with that? I'm thinking about it. Or are you in a jealous rage because it's so good? I am a little jealous.

- I would be, let's see, no, no, I can't. - Don't worry, Heather will help you kill time by sneezing a thousand more times. - I have one. - Okay, you can be push fight. - I would be no concealed weapons.

That's your whole name? That'd be my name, rapper. And now a new song from No Concealed Weapons. NCW. NCW. That's not bad. Mm-hmm. Because I won't keep my caps in my cap in my ass. I say, where do you go? And you don't want to be last. I say, got to have a blast. Say it won't last. Get up in your face, and I'll tell you what's going to happen. Oh, you're a regular machine gun scarecrow. Yeah.

No, he's good. Good, very snappy tune. You got a toe tapper. All right, one more story. One more story. I got a million things to do today. Take it. I don't know if we can end with this. This is a fun Christmas story. Indonesia's old Christmas tradition of kidnapping the naughty kids. Look at this. I like Christmas music.

There's uncles grabbing kids and stuffing them in the... Would this not scare you, Dana? But right at the end, he says, okay, you're going to be good? So you're going to be good. Okay. Okay.

All right. It's a fun lesson for all. No, no.

Too harsh? When adults do shit to little people, they forget how traumatizing it is. Oh, yeah. So the only thing that would make up for that is other bigger guys come in, take the big guy, put him in a big bag. Yeah. Then he promised. You like the music, though. It's fun music during that. How about the videos of...

Stupid parents inviting the Grinch over at night on Christmas Eve and the kids go fucking bazooties. They cannot-- It's too terrifying. Oh, yeah. No, that's a terrifying-- Did they see the movie of Jim Carrey? I mean, or-- And they do-- What they do with TikTok, and they're like, "Here's my kid. I got some clicks."

Did you have a Santa? We had a neighbor, Bruce Stewart was his name. He owned a music store. He came over dressed as Santa. Oh, he was your local one on the street? Yeah, just next door neighbor coming over to our house. We had five kids, maybe some friends there. And I'm like two and a half. And I'm thinking to myself, you're not Santa. That's Bruce Stewart. I know. My Santa at the mall used to flirt with me every year. And every time I'd sit there, he'd be like, you been working out? And I'd go, I'm six. No.

Did you remember the moment when you stopped believing in Santa Claus? No, it's too horrible. No. Because I had to go home. It's always a kid at school wanting to ruin it for everyone, and I can't stand it. See, the last of your innocence is believing in Santa. I don't remember believing, but I must have. Oh, you never did? I don't remember, but I might have it too. When do you go back to Santa?

I go back to three, maybe. First memory, three. Oh, first memory is like three or four, yeah. I think it's more like four. You're a little slow. Your mom told me. Yeah, five. You were in the slow group for reading. Well, I was in four years in Michigan from zero to four, and all I remember is two memories, one in snow and one my mom out front. Maybe I was blanking it out. Zero to four. I always wondered, how did people reminisce in the year two?

Hey, when were we at the lake? I don't know. It might have been early one. I don't remember. I think they say a caveman right now is like seven is going to be my year.

That's the new year, seven. And why did they always have Native Americans? Is it true they always said, instead of their age, they go, I've seen many winters. I mean, can't they just put a notch in a tree? I thought it was so patriotizing. I see this many winters. There you go. I was dating this girl, but let's just say she's seen a couple of winters. You know what I mean? She's getting up there. Yeah.

That's how they were rude back then. Yeah. I think they had it better off than us. All right, Dana, we really nailed it right at an hour, and then we'll have 45 minutes of commercials, so it should work out. We're going to make the commercials extra fun, so stay tuned. I think they're scattered throughout our nonsense. Yeah. Remember to smash that subscribe button. Yeah, smash the fucking shit out of it. Remember, it's free entertainment. You can always fast forward. Dana and I are busting our humps over here.

We're just trying to lighten your day. Just lighten your day a little bit. We may change up our style soon. We're going to see what happens in 2024. Yeah. Get a little more controversial. All right. I'll leave you with a flex. All right. Thanks for coming, everyone. Thanks for being on my show, David. Yeah, thanks for having me. David Spade's been my guest. Okay, bye.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.