SUPERFLY #58 - OSCARS AFTERPARTY
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I like it so far, Dana. Nothing really bothers me there. No one's expecting you. I mean, I'm in a hotel room. Nope, they're both going back, Greg. Yeah, that's fine.

This is a good beginning. Yeah. This is the beauty of remote podcasting. I'm in different hotels. Now, do you want your mirror in the background because it shows like that square? Oh, that's why. Maybe we should open it. This is funny. We go full. He yanked his head off. Jesus. God, I almost yanked my earphones off today and I almost killed someone.

It got caught on a tree and I was like, snap. Yeah. Well, we got a few minutes left, Dana. So what should we talk about? Well, okay. I got a lot of stuff I want to talk about. We'll go back and forth, but oh yeah, I'm doing the tour. So people exciting, go to davidspay.com. I'm coming to your town. Probably not, but I'm coming to a couple of towns. Coming to some town. You know what? I announced the tour, the first leg of it.

And then everyone goes, where are you going to Pensacola? That's all the comments are where I'm not going. So I will be adding and adding, but that's all on that. But it's, you can buy tickets now. Finally. I just saw David. We worked together at this event and I watched from the wings of

And he's in very sharp form, very funny. I tried to cut him off. I tried to get the mic on. Get him out of my hands. I said, hasn't he done his time? I kept going to the crew and they go, he's on a roll. Let him go. Let him finish. I go, does he have to finish? Yeah, Dan and I had our first corporate gig together. It was a great idea because we went all the way to Indiana. Indiana.

And in the daytime, I walked across the street and went to the NFL Combine. It was right across from the hotel. Everyone in our hotel was either a coach, assistant coach, weightlifting coach, QB coach. It was kind of funny. All dudes. Not great. It looked like a pirate ship. And then I walked over there and got on with Rich Eisen and did some goofy stuff and then walked around and saw the Combine, which I watch on TV every year. Just fun to walk around.

Uh, you went to the combine. How long did it take you to get there from the hotel? Did you sprint or anything or? Yeah. When I did this 40 over there, I go, I'm already tired because I sprinted here. But I was, I felt like, and I might be imagination. I was being scouted while I was walking around. Like people are like, what about this guy? He could be a good rover back.

Yeah. I mean, I always saw you as scrappy as a fighter and I see you as kind of speedy, quick, quick. So, you know, I mean, the zero to 20 yards, you'd probably be make some noise. Yeah. And then I did some of the sled. I did some sled work where you knock it back, you know, flip the tires a little bit like that.

Just let them know it's pretty easy. If I seem a little tired, it's because there was a party last night at the hotel.

My wife was here. And good night, sweetheart. And then it just, can you do the effect? Yeah. And just people talking, what up, man? So this went on for hours, going to the front desk. And they're like, I don't know. We told them many times. They had the balcony open. It's just blowing bongs, pounding beers. And they kept knocking. And they were like, your walls should be thicker, man. We're not that loud. It's your fault.

Yeah, so we're like, we got all our shit in the other room. We know we won't sleep and they can't stop them. So can you just give us a room to walk to so we can sleep is where I am now. Oh, you did that? Oh my God. Just so we could sleep because- You drag your blankets and pillows down the hallway. Kind of. All blurry-eyed. Yeah, all blurry-eyed. So, yeah.

And then I went to the dermatologist today just for a classic skin check. Oh, do your fucking one that I wish I had in my act. It's so funny. Age related. He's got a little eyeglasses going around. Age related. This time, this time, the guy's really nice, but this time I didn't realize I was wearing powder blisters.

blue underwear. I just grab them, right? Oh my God. They go, please get down. So I'm sitting on the paper, just nothing but the powder blue boxers. Skivvies. Sitting for like five, seven minutes waiting. Gross. Then it's like...

He comes in. So this time when he checked me, it goes, those are red dots. That's normal. You're going to be getting a lot more of those. These dark ones back here, you're going to be getting a lot more of those. So your balls hang to here. It's going to be getting a lot lower. And then he said on my wrist, he goes, let me, I go, is it cancer? He goes, it's pre-cancer. Don't worry about it. It's pre-cancer. So we're going to freeze it. So.

Is everything sort of just pre-cancer until it's cancer again? I don't know. Yesterday, because I'm in town and I live in the country. Leave out an warning in the contract.

I keep thinking of Patrick trying to... Farm animals. He's thinking live in real time. I might be able to salvage that for something. The coyotes, when they work in packs...

And you hear them coordinating out in the field behind our house, like coordinating. Oh yeah, definitely. They attack. And then they're, they're like hyenas. They're high pitch. Wow. They get horny. You're killing. But anyway, I was in the big city yesterday. I got the eye thing better now or better now. Oh, now better. Now better. Now better. Now better. Now for about 45 minutes. And then the op ophthalmologist said,

came in. That was just me by myself. Better now. You're practicing. Better now. Better now. Now the left eye is kind of weak, but the right eye is pretty good. So what I used to do, and this is possibly considered cheating, was I'm waiting for my turn. I try to memorize each line. And then I go up and they go, okay, play. I go GF, PF, four, three, two, one. And they go, well, there's no numbers in there. I'm like,

That means I couldn't even see it when I was cheating. Well, let me ask you a question. This is just straight up.

Why didn't you, when you go to the pharmacy and you get the, you know, 1.5, 1.25, 1.75, they're up in me to two. Why getting assistance in your eyesight is called cheaters? Oh, you need some cheaters. Get some cheaters. Why is it cheating? You can't see. It's cheating. David's wearing, I'm wearing cheaters right now. You'd be a total blur. Yeah.

If I didn't wear these. No, I actually can sort of see, which is crazy. So you have a lot of good genetics. And the next grownups, we should do this where we all sit down at the diner. The next grownup. Yeah. And one of the next grownups that we all sit down and everybody puts the four, the four out of five guys put the menus like this, you know, way back here. And then they're, cause they all can't see. And then I go, you guys, that's so lame. And then I go like this.

Instead of grown-ups, the next one's going to be called old, grown-old. It's not growing up anymore. It's going to be G-R-O-A-N, grown-ups. Yeah, it's not going to be good. So I got the eyes. I got the skin. I finally slept. It's been a big weekend. Liver bad, kidney bad. What's that from? Is that from your ex?

Yeah, I think so. They go check you, oriental medicine. They go liver bad, kidney bad. Well, no, that was when I used to go to a homeopath. There was sort of acupuncture doctor. And I was on SNL at the time. It was in the Valley. And I would go and they would take your pulse and go, oh, liver bad, kidney bad.

bad everything bad from your pulse you're tired you're tired you're so tired now and they give me these bottle of red pills now what they would do is caffeine you do all the anticoagulant stuff we put here for you i'll go to i'm doing a norwegian accent yeah yeah bad one okay for you sure

So they also would put it in your head So one time, and this is not a bit And not a joke, I drove away And I noticed I still had one of the Acupuncture things coming out of the top of my head Like an antenna So I was getting This is FM radio K-Fog From the San Fernando Valley But anyway Life is what it is Picking up AM radio in Iceland

Christ sakes, I think next time you should comb through the turf before you exit the acupuncture place. Hey, how much if you pluck them out? Let me ask you a question because I like to do that. Have you ever done acupuncture? Oh, yeah. With this neck? Are you kidding me? You know what was a bummer the other night? We flew home. We did pretty good on the flight. That turbulence at the end kind of tightened me up. And from then on, I went to this Oscar thing.

and i went with chris and we and then i couldn't go out late because it was killing me so bad i started getting such a bad headache such a bummer what a fun night but we did put a lot in it we did flu all day i mean we came from 18 degrees everything about it was just a beating and so kind of interesting um we i i like to kind of just let the turbulence exist on its own so i just flopped

Like I just go with it. And I saw you tensing and tightening. I thought, well, most of the time you're sitting on the floor of their, which is kind of hip, like a kind of a hippie thing. You're like, I get on my knees. Yeah. Bongo. He's done. It bothers the other customers. Actually, I think when I was biting on the pylons, collarbone, just cause I was so nervous, like, ah,

On the way down. Yeah, I know. Well, we had a fun time. Here's a funny thing. So I go, I don't see the Oscars at all. And our boy Conan was on them. So I see little clips here and there, but then I go to this shindig, this Vanity Fair one with Chris. So when you get there, it's going to be a little bedlam inside, but there's a press line. So that's kind of stuff they don't really want guys there because-

Guys, you know, I'm wearing a black suit. So is Chris. He looks good. They don't want guys there? Well, they just want to take the pictures of the girls' gowns, basically. Got it. The guy who cares, you know? And so when you get the press line, you know at SNL, the press line, it was like log jam. I was standing there for 20 minutes waiting to go through. And like four degrees? I mean, was it outside or no? No, this Vanity Fair, this one. Oh, at SNL? Oh, you weren't there. Yeah, it was inside, but...

For some reason, it was backed up. I missed it, David. I know. I just keep bringing up that you missed it. But this one was, there's a few people waiting and we're behind Jeff Bezos and Lauren, right? Oh, I love that. So you just never know where you're going to be in line, you know, because whoever gets there, like last year, a slew of these models came in, like Gigi Hadid, Emrata, and

They all were in line. And so they all, I said, you guys go first. Cause that's all they care about is this, this stuff, you know, fine. So I'm waiting. And then they say there's three circles. This is, this is inside baseball as we always grow. So I love it. I know. Don't be mad. Don't be mad. I want to, I'm, I'm getting information right now, even though I've been to the Oscars. You've done a million of these. So this is just the after party. Okay. And there's a, there's a wall of photographers. Yeah.

And so we're waiting. And so Bezos, who I don't really know, I don't think I know him at all. I know Lauren a little bit. So they go first. So they get on their little circle, a few clicks, you know, Jeff, Jeff, Lauren, Lauren, over here, over here. Oh, yeah. You know, they're doing a little action because it's a couple, you know. So they go to the next one. So Chris Rock comes up. They go, Chris Rock, Chris Rock.

So he's in the next one. Okay. And then? And then when they move forward, they go spade. So now I'm on me. It's a few clicks, but you know, we get it. I'm wearing a suit. I look around, got it. And then I look at Chris and I go, go, like, let's get out of here. You know, go to the next circle. Let's get out of here. Yeah. And then Bezos is there, but he's like, hey, hey, you know, he's...

He's kind of peacocking. He looks good. Lauren's very pretty. Did he have a sleeveless tuxedo with his biceps bulging out? Yeah. I mean, his skin tight. He actually brought a solo flex with him. He is jacked. Yeah, he's ripped. Yeah. And so, oh, there's a picture of us. Oh, Heather will send a picture. Maybe we can put it up. Okay. I never saw that. I didn't see any pictures from that night. Oh, you should look for another one because... So then...

They're still taking long, so we're not getting off our circles. And I'm just dying out there. And now the photographers are like down. They kind of shoot from the hip. Now they're going across me and Chris trying to get Jeff, you know, Lauren that way. And then they're looking at their film. They're checking their phones. I'm like, Chris, go. He's like, I'm waiting for them. Then they finally move off. So we go to that circle. Then we cruise off. No, then we get a couple together, I guess. So then...

We go off and now they stopped for something. And now we run smack dab once we're off the carpet into Jeff and Lauren. And Chris is with his daughter too. And they say, oh, let's get a picture of all you guys. Like we're all together. And I'm like, so I say hi to them. And then they send us all a picture. Now we're all like all the party together. But he was very nice. And she was always...

been sweet so then if you're the woman you're very i'm sure very conscious of like oh it's everything i'm looking at my gown my makeup and then every woman there is stunning and yeah so we go in and then uh i run in of course to some comedians i see melanie and i see nick kroll and uh a few others so we just sit with them and bullshit and then you know you get acclimated then you start going

I'm going to take a lap. First of all, Sasha Baron comes out. Now, you know, Sasha Baron. We played Borat. He pretended to be sort of a Middle Eastern man. Oh, there they are. Oh, there we are. Okay. That's not bad, right?

Look at my hair, shaving. I don't know if it's your best picture. I don't really. Oh, thank you. I mean, but that's not your fault. You're incredibly handsome. Yeah. I mean, listen, maybe I had an option. It was a bad picture. It didn't look like you to me. Can we see it again? Let's have a look. No, don't make me horrified. Let me see. I've never seen these. No, it looks perfectly fine, but it doesn't. Well, I think it's weird. My sides are shaved.

So it looks a little different. Right. But look how stern you are. Look at Chris with the big smile. That doesn't look like your personality. I think I looked too smiley one time. And from then on, it was all right. Oh, and then you're like Howard Stern in it up. Yeah. I just, I'm like, listen, let's just get. Oh, so here's, this is it. Okay. So here's,

This is it. Good lord. Look at how funny. So this, the other funny part is Chris's daughter is with him who's obviously very pretty. How old is his daughter?

I think she's 21. We all came together. So we stopped and grabbed them. Lovely daughter. And her friend. And so then we're walking up. I'm like, oh, Chris, people think we're double dating here. This is a problem. So I kind of hang behind. Then we get there. And then Lola gets there. There's Lola and Zara, his daughters.

I go, let's have no confusion. Like we're all together. So anyway, anyway, funny picture of all of us, right? That's funny. It was funny. I just, you know, this, I don't know if I'm,

or not liberated, but it's just interesting that men are covered in their tuxedos and women have to have their collarbones and their shoulders. Well, no, there they are. Look at me. Oh, my shirt's unbuttoned. Well, that looks like you have a mullet, but it's not your hair in the back. I do. No, but it's really coming out. Chris Rock is leading the way. He looks like he's about to do a stand-up bit today.

He goes, now the thing is, he always says, but Sasha's too tall. So I don't want to hang out with him all night. This is true. So he's always funny. And I do like him. He's very fun. So, you know, friendly. So they go to the bar and I go, I'm going to walk around. Yeah. Yeah. He's brilliant. So anyway, I run into a few people and obviously every other person is

famous celebrity because people don't really get plus ones not many do obviously bezos and lauren come together and uh so i just see a lot of interesting people you don't see a lot but i was not feeling great obviously with my horrible pictures and uh my shirt was too unbuttoned there's so many good oh there's good ones i'm sure there's great ones a photo can be you catch someone yeah oh there is oh fuck show that

It was with Rock too, right? Oh, you'll like this one. This is so important to me. I don't even know why. It's important to me too. I really want to see your big good photo. I want to find a good picture. I don't know if this is it. I want to see it. But you know, they walk around, they kind of ruin it because Kim K was just on SNL and they're building a Skims right by my house and I wanted to grill her about it.

But it's hard to go up to her because they always have someone sort of floating to nail someone. They have security. Just get a picture with her. Yeah. And if you say hi and get a picture, it looks like you're trying to get a picture. Too sweaty. Out of respect, I said hi for two seconds, but it was in between when the guy. I don't think the only negative about the Vanity Fair part, and there's really none.

is there's probably two floating photographers. And so- In a ballroom of 300 people. Yeah, maybe 200. Yeah, and it's small. So it's small. It's like a- Yeah. Okay, here is your-

Oh, here's a bad shot of me. But it is when Mick Jagger came over. So that's good. You guys are kind of, there's this, I don't know, something like you're kind of- Is this what I look like from the side? Let me just go real quick. I want to throw myself through a plate glass window. No, you do not look like- Oh, that one's better. I got a smiley one, yeah. That looks more- Let's put that one. I know who that looks like, but I can't think of his name. Star Wars, you know.

c-3po no that's the oh mark hamill yeah from the side yeah a little bit god anybody better that was just a photo no i know i i kind of a gray beard i mean a blonde one so it's uh no i i'm fine with how i look uh but listen this woman came up i was gonna ask you heather do you know who dr k is from instagram or something

Anyway, she's a plastic surgeon, but she wanted a picture. And then I, of course I do the classic Dana. She was, Oh, I do plastic surgery. I go, Hey, can you give me the, the Brad Pitt? I don't even know if he's done anything. Just make me look like him. She was, Oh, I see what we could do. And she starts touching my face. I go, I'm kind of kidding. You don't have to leap into action already with your professional opinion, but she was very sweet. Here's what happened to me when I went to the Oscars. So I was invited to the vanity fair party. This will be quick.

I was invited with a big white envelope. Vanity Fair invites you. They invited me for 25 years straight. And I just never went and I never responded, but I kept getting invited. So then they stopped inviting me the year before I was invited to the 2018 one because Mike Myers was there for the queen movie. And so we went to the Oscars and,

Got all dressed up. I went to, I go, okay, this is probably my last Oscars. So I think we went to one of the Neiman Marcus or one of those. Okay. I got to get a tuxedo. Right. So I said to the guy, I just want George Clooney. I just want exactly what George Clooney. So he started pointing. We'll put this. We're going to put this. I go, is this George Clooney? He goes, oh no, George would do that. I go, no, no, no. I mean, literally I want a George Clooney. Just the shoes. Simple. Yeah.

Everything, because George Clooney always looks the best in a tuxedo. That's great. The tuxedo cost money, and I looked a lot like George Clooney. But anyway, so we go there, and then we're in some kind of after party talking to Mike, who was generous enough to invite us to go there, and his wife. Okay, they're going from there to the Vanity Fair party.

Right. So I go, well, we're not invited to the Vanity Fair party. We don't have any invite. They're like, oh, come along. We'll get you in. But I couldn't I couldn't be the third wheel with my wife. Like we don't really have an invite, but we know famous people. Could we go in? So we decided to go. We left and we went to catch. I was in a tuxedo and she was going to eat.

to eat and things were- Not a bad move. By ourselves. First of all, you're as famous as anyone in there or more. Stop it. And when you, and people would love to see you. People ask me about you all the time. So, but the problem is- I'm a recluse except for this podcast. Yeah, you are. It's good. You have a little bit of mystery to you. I have none. So I go there. Also, I know my angle isn't this from now on, Heather, when I'm taking photographs. Those photographs have nothing to do with reality. Yeah.

They know I'm personality driven. Well, you didn't look like yourself in that shot. He couldn't have recognized you. Look at me. Now do I? I'm angry to be at this party. Yeah. Okay. So when you pull up to Vanity Fair, you see this woman and there's like a guard gate and they have police everywhere because there's too many people there that they don't want anything to happen to, I guess. There's dignitaries or whoever.

Like Bezos, he himself is, they're probably keeping an eye on him alone, along with everyone else. So you have a stop. You have to show something in the window of your car. And then you have a hard plastic David Spade vanity fair thing. So you have to show that. Then even if they know you, they would go ahead. Next one, stop, get out, show that again.

I saw a guy go literally, hey, David, do you know this guy, whatever? I go, yeah. And he goes, can you tell him I'm stuck out here? I'm supposed to be with him. And I'm like, oh, the chances I would run into this guy inside, which I never did.

But he was stuck too. Sorry, we just don't have the thing and you have to have the thing. So it might've been, I'm saying it might've been a slight problem just because I saw how rough they were on everyone. They weren't even screwing around. Anytime you're in that party and if you pivot left or right or look up or make a sudden move, you will be tackled.

You were in danger of being tackled for two hours at the Vanity Fair party. Yeah. Taken down guy with his knee in your back. What are you doing? You know, so it's not, why are you shaking Jeff Bezos's hand? Yeah, I know. So, uh, and then I pushed out on the guy, Osiri party because that goes all night and it's super fun, but,

I felt such like fuck pie. I go, I can't do it. And then of course, I feel better now. And I'm like, oh, but of course I can't. Anyway, well, I got a lot out of it and we got age related and we got, let's give it just a. And now a word from our sponsors at Betterment. When investing your money starts to feel like a second job, Betterment steps in with a little work life balance.

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Make your money hustle with Betterment. Get started at Betterment.com. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-M-E-N-T.com. Investing involves risk, performance not guaranteed. You know, when I'm on the road, Dana, I'm always pretty much staying in hotels, but there's been a shift to Airbnb and you hear about it all the time. Hotels are fine. They can be great, but Airbnb is a great alternative, you know, because...

you get a lot of choices of where you can stay. It's very practical. I mean, hotel can be like, oh, like when I go on the road, I go, that one's,

The closest hotel is a half hour from the gig or something, but you say, Oh, Airbnb, just go, Oh, I want to go a little closer. I want to be in this area. I want a swimming pool and I want this. Yes. And I famously have said many times a place we used to go, my wife and I to get away and we stayed at some really nice hotels, but then we found this Airbnb, which we used, I think three times is always spotless. The keys are outside in a little padlock and they used to have a bottle of wine and a note. And, uh,

You have a kitchen. And it was very, very nice. The benefits of Airbnb is that space, privacy, better locations compared to hotels. You get to pick how close you want to be to wherever you want to go. You're traveling with family, your friends, you're on your own. It's

It's great. Shout out. It'll be whenever it's out to our friend. Conan did a great job. Yeah. Great jokes. He had his serious moments, funny moments. He kept it light. And I thought it was a home run for Conan. And he's probably, I bet he's already been invited to do it next year. And Adrian Brody, all the highlights I heard where he did a long speech.

Which is fine. I do love it when a guy goes, stop the music. I've been here before. You know, he told him, no, no, no. Stop. Stop. Please drop the music. I've done this before. This is not my first rodeo. This is not my first. Whoa.

Can I just make... Go ahead. The gum one, go ahead. No, not my first rodeo is such a funny figure of speech. Like apparently first rodeos are complete shit shows, but the second rodeo is really nice. But the first one, you get messed up. I saw a girl with a hat on, honestly, about a week ago and said, this is my first rodeo.

Please excuse me. This is my first video. Here's the cool thing about this that he talked about. So this guy gets the Oscar 20 years ago. He's a great actor. Right. And then he's kind of in the wilderness years. He's not getting as many A-parts. And he really talks to that. Like, I'm still here, Hollywood. It was very open and emotional. But after about 26 minutes of that...

I thought, okay, he said everything he needs to say. How funny. Yeah. His pin was her second earring. So she took an earring off. Oh, she took her earring off and he wore it as a brooch? Yes.

Why is broaches out there? Is this early in a relationship? Is this romance? Like, is it the first six months? All right. I'll ask you about romance and Heather can chime in. All right. The clip I saw is he won. He got up. He started walking. He got about 20 feet away, took his gum out and threw it back to her to catch. And, uh,

I don't see that a lot of Hallmark movies, but you know, maybe that's the new romantic gesture. Right. Take this bitch and hope it sticks in your Oscar hair that you had done for two and a half hours. I had a hostess snowball in my pocket. One of those hosts of snowballs when I won the Emmy, whoops, how'd that get out? So I walk into the stage, I look back at Paula. She was sitting next to like, I don't know, Eddie Van Halen. I just went, whoosh.

She had a catcher's mask. Just romantic. Yeah, it's cute. If I was her, I'd be like, hey, next Oscars, maybe not throw your gum at me. Maybe not. Yeah. Did he bring up Weinstein? That's hard, too. That's a tough subject at the Oscars. Well, I mentioned that before, and it has nothing to do with Weinstein or anyone. It's just such a turn to go from the Weinstein type, Harvey Weinstein, to Adrian Brody, who has...

just this gravitas about him or sadness or he just has this cool, incredibly genuine person based on what I saw. I like him. Obviously talented. If he doesn't get an Oscar for 20 years, it means nothing about his acting. It's just, there's so many, there's only X amount of good movies and so many actors that are good that it's just,

It's sort of lucky. I think he works. He works all the time. But if it's about the Holocaust, there's always a chance it's going to be taken very seriously and it might get pushed to the front of the pile. It's something, I'm sure it's brilliant. It's just a place I can't go to anymore. But he, Adrian Brody, what do you? I'm eating a banana. I didn't know what time it was.

I still don't. I just know I was like, I spent the weekend with you. We were doing our own thing going around there. But every time I turn around, you're peeling a freaking banana. I go, is this guy got a potassium deficiency? Banana is my new go-to. It's easy. But anything on the podcast, I can't really eat. I have shit around here, but I can't eat. Remember when I handed you an orange and you said, what am I going to do with this? And you threw it down. I was like, that's not very nice. And then you go, give me a goddamn banana. Yeah.

You're like a monkey. You need a fucking banana. I don't want people to think I eat food. Oh, by the way, before we get into the stories, there was a quake here the other day. Did you feel it? What are they talking? 3-9? It was a chumpy 3-6. Embarrassing. No, that's nothing. That's like, is the mattress moving? I didn't really feel it.

There was a big one in San Jose. I flew over it while the earthquake was happening. I think I was on Southwest and the pilot came on and said, earthquake down in San Jose right now. Now we're over San Jose. Now we're not. Now we're over San Jose. Now we're not. I mean, the whole city was moving. I was shocked. Yeah.

That's very shocking. I was surprised. I mean, that's a big earthquake. It slides out from under the plane and comes back. Now we're not. Shakers, tremors. I had a friend once. People are telling me they're like, it was a 3-6, but felt like a 4-1. We know our earthquakes out here. So I'm like, you get into the fives, I'll start to listen.

I'm scared. And it's also depth, the depth of it, uh, and the way it shakes. And was it a roller? Was it a sideways one? Was it up and down? I have a good friend who during the, yeah, I'll tell you more later about that. It's not for the podcast. Uh, Northridge earthquake, which, which was a six something, but more like created action, like an 8.0. My other friend was like, when it was hitting, it was going, this is a big one. This is a big one. Uh,

We got to get out of here. It was the biggest. It was like 6'6", right? Well, look. Listen. The Ring of Fire in Japan and stuff, Tokyo can take a 9.2, and they're on ball bearings, so they just kind of go like that. We, in California with San Andreas, we're kind of tapped out, I hope I'm right, at maybe a 7.2. Before it gets super ugly? Because our...

You know, things are two tonic plates are moving this way. You don't want them to move this way off the coast of Oregon. They're going to move this way. And that'll be a 12.4. The plates. If they're moving this way, there's a certain, you know, but if they're moving. Two tonic plates. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It doesn't always have to be funny. It can educate. No, I like it. I'm riveted. But do you get it? Can you keep up? Yeah. All right. Let's go to look at some stories. We've covered everything. We didn't cover the Oscars at all, but it's funny. Who cares? Kudos to Conan. Oh, wait. Oh, this is cute. You know how dogs can do a lot of tricks? This is cute. This dog...

alerts people of fainting episodes. This dog, look at how cute it is. This woman's going to faint. Bailey comes up. Hey, I have to try to catch you. You need to lay down because you're going to fall, right? Put the dishes back. Okay. Put the cascade away. Now she lays down because she feels it coming on. I don't mind that flooring either, by the way. Then the dog helps her a little bit. And then he goes, let me get you a beer or something. What do you think Bailey's...

Yeah, electrolytes. Here you go. Look at how good Bailey is. What a good dog. See, that's the dog I want to have. And Bailey just turned on the oven, shut the door, put in the pizza rolls. Now, like, I'm just going to chill here. Oh, what else? Is he going to turn the water on? Is he going to run the garbage? Is he going to do the dishes? Is he going to wax the floor with his paws? He's like, that's all I know how to do. What did you get her? Oh, the medication. Medication.

Fucking Bailey. Now he lays with her. What a cutie. I know. You know. Oh, I want to hang out with Bailey. Sniffer butt. He goes, this is part of it. Take some medicine. He goes, hey, one for Bailey.

Oh, he wants her to lay down. I think he wants to do more than lay down. I think he's beat up. What's happening here? Bailey's a bit horny. I'll be honest. Oh, my God. That's not appropriate. Bailey, this isn't part of it. I was on Team Bailey, but I see the whole thing is set up for that last dry hump. Yeah, I didn't like at the end when Bailey went, shh.

I'm sorry. Bailey was just trying to get laid. Let's just call it. I mean. Yeah. Bailey's like preying on people with feigning spells, I feel. Yeah. You like Bailey. You know, where does the phrase horn dog come from? Oh. Hello, David. I see Bailey's eyes darting right now. He should be called horn dog. I gave her some, you know, and sure. All right. Let's go to the next one. Mm-hmm.

This is such a well-run machine. I don't even know what this one is. Oh, oh, Dana, you have to explain to people at home. I wouldn't do this for a million dollars. Two doofuses are throwing, they're blindfolded basically. And look what they do. Would you do this? This is full of water. They don't know it's coming. In the head, would you take, that'll break your neck.

I mean, are you? Oh, my God. And you're continuing to do it. So they have like a gallon filled with some water. Dana, could you take this hit to the head? I can see.

I didn't understand the last part. Two observations. Alcohol was involved, obviously. They're giggling. They're numb. Number two is what in God's name will we do for clicks and views? And I want you to think about this. You're a smart guy. You're a tough guy. You're a good guy. You're judgmentous. Think of a stunt we can do so we get, you know,

three what do they get two million likes i doubt it that looks like a low liker and they put in all that effort oh no i thought it was 1.9 was there millions on that heather i didn't see it 1.7 i mean honestly if you dropped a feather and hit my head i would start crying because i cannot take a something filled with water no no and when you're not ready for it oh my god there that was not safe and not good

Yeah, welcome to the internet. Okay, what's the next one? Don't try this at home. Don't try this podcast at home either. Yeah, be careful. All right, here we are. What is this? Oh, this is kind of interesting science. This phenomenon is called spontaneous synchronization. So they're taking like, what are those things called? Melodromes or something? Melodromes, yeah. Five melodromes on a- And they're off. Off.

Spontaneous synchronization is a phenomenon where independent oscillating systems like metronomes or fireflies, they naturally fall into sync without any external coordination. Look, they're getting closer to being the same. For what reason?

Wow. It is observed in nature, physics, and even biological processes like heart cells beating. So little toy metronomes were all discombobulated. Five of them. And then achieved synchronicity without any outside help. See? Very cool. Okay, you can stop it. And you think the universe was just random? Yeah.

Yeah, good luck. But they say sometimes girls all have their like, you know, what's together. So that's, is that sort of the same thing? I don't want to talk. Yeah, I'm not involved in this bit. I'm not saying a bit. I'm saying that's, I've heard that that happens when girls like live together in like a dorm. They all kind of sync it up somehow. I'll just put it out there. Heather, you're being quiet. Do you know this story? Have you heard of this? Yeah, what can I say?

Oh, periods get in sync. I was just nailed it. There's a lot we don't know about the universe. I was dancing around a little bit, but yeah. Yeah. It just sums it up by saying there's a lot we don't know about the universe. Eventually. I mean, we have a telescope out there that's a million miles from earth now, and we're going to be able to see, and I always have a hard time with this. There's light, the big bang, big bang, big bang,

All the matter of the universe ahead of a pencil. And then it explodes and all this light comes out. We're thrown out of here. We'll be able to see back to the beginning of the big, big Bane and big bank. Sorry. And I think they just did it. And all he saw was a giant eyeball blinking.

At first, I thought you said, we have a telescope a million miles away, and I'm like, that's too far. They should have the telescope here that they could see a million miles away. Well, it was cute when it was on a mountain in Hawaii, but then you get out in outer space, you're going to see a lot better. Dude, I don't want to know what's out there, because I see stuff from the space station, and there's clearly UFOs flying around, and everyone's like, I'm like, mm-hmm. Oh, it's real, Dana. There's a lot of... People got itchy last week when I said I believed in, what was it, cloud seeding? I don't know. Yeah.

Chemtrails. And everyone's like, what? What do you mean chemtrails? Was I there for that? Well, they spray and they put stuff in the air. Oh, that one. Yeah, yeah. I remember. I think they really do it. Everyone just says, what can I do about it? There's nothing you can do. You just have to

slurp up that parasite poison or whatever the fuck it is i hope it's not bad that's what i was saying is that someone's gonna murk somebody if that's real because nobody likes to be slowly poisoned to death i don't know i'm crazy that way yesterday they i doctor said to me you eat a lot of vegetables i go yeah yeah spinach isn't that he says spinach is out

And he said, no, it's too many toxins when they make it. Too many chemicals. Spinach is out? What is in? He goes, well, don't eat kale. I saw a picture of salmon with maggots. Salmon with a bunch of parasites in it. Parasites are the new thing. They're probably in everyone to some degree, even though they're microscopic. Or they pull out of people. Literally, it's like this. It's like bleh.

I've only known kind of human parasites that sort of try to use. Like plus ones. I'm more worried. Human beings are the scariest thing on planet earth. I'll put it that way. Yeah, we're worse. Yeah, we're worse. All right, next great riveting story. Yeah, let's do this. Let's dig in. Oh, Daniel, you'll like this. This is like a scientific thing that Heather won't be able to fucking handle. The stairwell illusion is one of the hardest to understand. So here's a guy coming down. Here's a guy just standing. He's going upstairs. Walking up.

You're not going to like it, Heather. I'm telling you right now. I don't even understand it. And you're going to think it's... Hate it. Hate it. Can't stand it.

My brain is flipping like a pancake. I like they give you a graphic like you can show like, see how easy it is to figure out? It's a jump cut on the camera. That's all. I don't think anything is a real thing. It's called a Sherian stairwell. It's a visual paradox inspired by impossible construction. But it's a normal stairwell that just creates an optical illusion. I need more. I need more.

I'm feeling sick from watching this. No, I don't. Yeah. I don't. I don't understand it. No, I don't. It's a documentary about how weird that is. There's a documentary. So the basic idea is you're looking at someone go up a stairwell. They continue to go up. Then it looks to you like they've gone down or coming up a lower stairwell. Something like that. Something like that. I call bullshit. Oh, you think it's a camera trick.

Little, yeah. So funny. Well, otherwise, let's go to some building, a stairwell, get Heather with an iPhone and make history. You'll be the guinea pig, no offense or nothing. I'll stay back with the iPhone. Let's build an Asusian staircase and just do it. That should be our big YouTube bit. We have a lot of mystery. And then they'll say it's camera tricks, though.

There'll be a bunch of Danas out there. Let's give them something to talk about. Let's give them something. Whose song is that? Bonnie Raitt? Yep. What about, you were just saying, the big, big bang, the reason I'm... That's a song on my iPod. iPod old man. Okay, next. Why the raspberries? I don't know. Okay. Okay.

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Where'd you get those shoes? Easy, they're from DSW. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour. The boots that turn grocery aisles into runways. And all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes.

Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or DSW.com. Did you know I saw that Chile, you're saying it wrong, Chile, Chile, is it a country? Yeah. They had 19 million people without power out of 21 million without power. That's what scares me.

Those things seem so easy to happen in this world that just a couple problems and the grid go, you know, that just scared. No power. They couldn't go in elevators. They're stuck here. They're stuck in the street. I mean, I would not, I would freak. Then everything rots in your face. It's just too much. There was Dick Cheney. Love him or hate him, but he had one of these quotes. Everyone's a Republican when the lights go out.

Oh, I don't even know what it means, really. Well, it sounds like a good one. It's kind of the environmentalist is the last person to build a cabin on the mountain. But we're so dependent on power. We take it for granted. And I don't know. Sometimes we have brownouts. All I need. Nope. Nope.

How many bananas do you do a day? It always looks like it has a high collar on it. Hello. It looks like an ice cream bar. I don't know. Anyway, it's a little fucking on the ancient side. Did you ever have a frozen chocolate banana dipped in? Oh, fuck yes, I did. Okay, that's a whole other kettle of banana. I don't know if they have those anymore. Who invented those?

GP it's a good invention yeah I used to go to Dairy Queen and light it up with a dilly bar

I think as a kid, a banana split from Foster Freezer, like a banana split was a magic thing. It had the vanilla, the chocolate, and the strawberry, Neapolitan, and the banana and then chocolate syrup on top. So it was like such an indulgent thing. What'd you do, dude? I got a banana split, man. Oh, they're unreal. Full Monty. Yeah. I wonder if people are still listening, but I think they are. This is...

This is so, and I like this kind of talk because it throws me back to when I used to eat more sugar. I fucking loved it. I look good in this light. Let's do this at the God dang Vanity Fair party. I looked at the metrics and most people fast forward to minute 45 on Superfly. I don't want to hear anything about bananas. So they just joined us. For those of you just joined, we'll show another story. Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm.

I don't know what this is. Okay. Paint foot. Smash ass onto a jean jacket. And voila, it's a blob of shit. This girl just rates people's fashion. That doesn't seem like a five-minute craft to me. Craft. All right, take your motherfucking shoelaces out of your shoes and do some early 2000s bullshit. Her under panties are going to show.

That looks like shit. She's a tough critic. What am I watching, please? Well, people get on like a TikTok or something on one side. They show one like we do and then they just critique it from the other side. Like they'll have a cook and he'll watch someone cooking something and go, okay, you put the stuff in there. You're good so far. Why are you adding that? And then they just criticize. That sucks. I like that woman just like trashing someone's food.

She was just... She was a funny character. You look like shit. Yeah. Okay, next one. That's good, though. I don't do that with you. I like your outfits.

I have a uniform. I just wear that. Dana looked good at the corporate gig, Heather. He had a little suit on. Did I? Little jacket, yeah. I'm never going to go do stand-up again with a tucked-in shirt because I'm fighting it the whole time. It's riding up, the buttons. No, it's tough to do stand-up when you're moving around. I need an untucked shirt. Remember the company Untucked? Did they go bankrupt? No.

Call us. Untuck it. No, there's too many of them. Oh, they still exist though? Because it closed. Untuck it, yeah. Yeah, okay. Call us. We'll sponsor you. Okay, can you do this, Dana? Okay. I didn't mean to cut you off there. No, no, that was all. Could you get out of this? I always think, could I do these things? I think I could do this and I'm so delusional. I think I could do this.

You think you could do this? I think you could, Dan. I don't know. That's pretty, that's like a guy sprinting in this snow cone tunnel and just going up and up. I would have to try it. I don't know. I would. That's a little parkour-ish. I would hope I could do it. I would hope I could. You're strong. You got strong quads and you have endurance. That's a tough one. But if you're, here's the one I think I can do in parkour. This is one if I was stuck and it was life or death. They jump off a building onto a pole and slide down.

It's the only way down. If it's the only way, you just do it. You clamp so hard, but you got to grab it exactly perfectly on the way down and grab. And then you slide. It slows you down a little bit. I couldn't do it as good as they do, but. I've seen those. Yeah. I won't do it unless I have to. So don't ask me to do it. Did you, were you, were you kind of a daredevil as a kid? Yeah. A little bit sometimes because skateboard or what was your. Oh yeah.

Skateboarding and then went out for every sport. I had three older brothers, right? Stacked. And so we're living in San Mateo, California, and there's these old mattresses you find at the dump. Oh, yeah. And they were jumping out of the second story window on them. And I was four years old, so I was afraid. But the next day, they all went to school, and I decided to climb out on the ledge. No.

way. And then I sort of panic. So I'm hanging from the window and the neighbor calls my mom and says, I think your son Dana is hanging from the window. Oh my gosh. What are you doing out here? What are you doing? What in goodness

Goodness, name the other time. God's green earth are you doing? I crawled into the dryer and somehow it got closed behind me. So she said to came in. I'm four years old. I weigh like 30 pounds and I'm just like going like this. On the glass. I got the glass from the inside. Choking on lint. Lint. Lint blabby. All right, let's do another. We don't have to do too many more. We can keep going. We're looking good. We're killing it actually. What's this joke?

Oh, my daughter meant poop and pee. It's...

the city wastewater treatment exhibit and cried when we had to leave them. So they have mascots for poop and pee, I guess. And what is the point of that to, to educate little kids about, about toilets and how it goes down. Okay. The comment goes and they say, never meet your heroes. How do I land that gig? It's funny, dude. I would do that part time to make money.

Oh, yeah, of course, dress up in a thing. I would do rock, paper, scissors for pee. I'd rather be pee, I think. Did you ever, as a youngster, stand outside like an ice cream store or something and just hold a sign and turn it and stuff like, hey, come over here? Oh, no, that thing, I can't do that. I'm not a great stander. I can't stand for hours on end anymore. Not as much fun as I used to be. Standing's good for us. It's the sitting. It compresses everything. Oh, standing keeps your body moving, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We already walked Heather. Helps your spine. Heather, do we walk you? Walk the crowd. We have a crowd of one here in chalk. Same old, same old. Okay, so anything, final thoughts? I'll say there's an AI Tommy Boy thing that people keep sending me on, I think the Bell Brothers or someone put out. AI Tommy Boy. Maybe we'll play it next week. A scene or a movie? Yeah, it has us going on Shark Tank.

Within three to five years, you will be able to say, Tommy Boy 3, they're in the army. And then within one second, you'll have a perfect feature film. And you'll have a film done, I could say. And I'll still complain that it was hard to do. Wayne and Garth in the Wild West. Boom. And then the movie would be done. So-

All those people out there, the grips, the lighting people, the makeup artists, I don't know what to say. The actors. What about Wayne's World 3, they go to Uranus. That would be that good Wayne's World one. And then they would giggle. They say, let's go to Uranus. And then they would laugh for like 90 minutes. Pfft.

sounds like your butt. I always said, people ask me what's with Wayne's role. I said, the two biggest losers in town are the happiest people in town because they ritualize every single moment. They're in a good mood. They like, people like to see people that are having fun. Yeah. Let's go to Stan McEwis, man. Get some donuts. By the way, I think there's an assembly of bus boys so far, an assembly. I haven't seen it.

We're letting the director. Jonah's going to do stuff to it. Well, like Spielberg, you have assemblies just constantly updated. You're seeing every day you have the scene cut on some. So you should have a rough cut by now. I've only seen a couple scenes cut, which I liked. But I think the trick is what's everything in a row? People don't know you shoot a movie out of sequence. Some people don't. So you don't really have any continuity. You're like, you shoot your last scene first and a middle one, then one of the first ones, then you go. So it's very hard to get it.

to feel how it's going as a story. What's the heart tugger? Well, they're bus boys. They struggle. Yeah. Yeah. His dad's in jail. Okay. And you get him out and he gets hit by a car early on life. He's a little off. And, uh, and then we, he doesn't have a dad and his mom doesn't really like him. So I take him in. Jeez. It's like Joe Durer or something. It's like any, uh,

any movie where people are like have stacked against. Well, if this is a classic comedy are rated maybe 75 minutes and then you have the, you know, the closing credits and that's only an hour 15. Well, then closing credits will pad you to 85. So we'll definitely do a gag reel. If it's, if it's got these tent pole funny scenes, that's all people really live for that, you know, like five or six,

really big, funny moments. Yeah, that's all you need. I think we're going to get it down to about an hour 40 and then have Judd look at it and make it 220. It's weird, but Theo hit me up and this is kind of, I shouldn't even say this, but I'm editing, I'm editing Busboys. You are? I'm the editor. And you're,

I think it's going to be great. I wouldn't mind that. I would trust you. I think it's going to be great. You come off great. Theo's great. I don't know the editor, but I've seen a few things. So I, and you know, the director,

gets per the union he gets the first cut so i don't mind that that's the way it's always been so he's gonna get it he's gonna report while he's doing it and then um we'll all go in there and take a look so i'm excited yeah anyway oh we did it we still did an hour look at us dana i know we just it's shit i don't know how we do it no people are eating dinner and doing stuff yeah they're riveted this shit's great we should be called the backgrounders

This is what you listen to when you're doing other things. While you're doing something important. Superfly happens while you're busy making other plans. You know what? John. Yeah. That's what, that's what life is too. Life. Wait, what is the phrase? Well, you have plans. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. John Lennon, beautiful boy, double fantasy album, 1980. All right. People quote the line, but they don't remember where it came from. No. Uh,

Okay, that's it. So we'll see you next time. We'll see you next time on... Oh yeah, you can buy tickets for the tour now on my David Spade. And also we're at the Fantasy Springs. Oh yeah, we're going to... By the time this happens, we'll be there the next day, right? So then you get a two for one... No, it's not. Oh, it's in a week. Oh yeah, okay. Okay, it's not the next day. We do our funny stuff and then we're going to come out and it's going to be mayhem. We're going to take questions. I don't want to use the term razzle dazzle, but you'll be...

razzled and dazzled let's put it this way it's called nothing's off the table tour we only we only have two dates in a tour we've already done one we've done one we're halfway done yeah but uh it should be a banger it's mostly because i don't think dana wants to go around the world and do this i don't it's it's getting late in the game just go hey you guys want to do a world tour we're like oh my god i don't know because the podcast is seen everywhere so like you want to go to australia you want to go to england i'm like

I love those places. I just don't know. Heather wants to go, of course. You want to tour like the Rolling Stones. They do a date.

And then they take four days off. They pack Mick and Ice. They do a thing. He's extraordinary. But I'm not- My friend? Yeah. Your friend, your buddy, your doppelganger. You guys are like twins or something, but you're much younger. But he's in incredible shape. But they do take four days off. Then they do another one. So they tour and it's six weeks. And they're in a 747 and they stay at the Taj Mahal. And it's arenas. But yeah, you don't- There's ways to do like little mini-

We're at a motel four and a half. Which started three years ago, and they're going round and round. I mean, it's just like, I don't know. It wears people out. I get it. All right, we're going to end. All right. Okay, I'll see you later, Dana. Bye, guys. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Ooh.