SUPERFLY #66 - Kevin Nealon & Donuts IN STUDIO
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Yeah, Dana, I travel all over and sometimes, you know, you're on the road. Sometimes I get stuck with a hotel I don't love. And what happens is you think you see a few pictures, we look online, then you get there. And sometimes I was like, I should have tried to do an Airbnb on this one, you know? Yeah, I was on a road trip to Montana and we stopped in Winnemucca, Nevada. And Winnemucca...

There's a toddler in town. Let's just say there wasn't maybe the best choices in Winnemucca. So an Airbnb would have been a much better choice, but I still had a good time in Winnemucca. Don't want to badmouth the town. You know, people can also take their houses and make them Airbnbs. That's the other flip side of that. You know, you go stay at nice ones, but if you have a place...

It could be big or small. You know, you never know. Yeah. And while you're away, your home could be an Airbnb. Yeah. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.

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I'm told it's super easy to do at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com. All right. I know this is weird. We've done this a long time, but could I get a selfie? Just a picture of you? Yeah. Okay. Your best look. Okay. Show them what that look is and they'll look back at me.

You poked it pretty hard. You got it. Yeah. Well, I had to mime it. Oh, yeah. That's comedy shit. I could jizz.

- Hmm, well here we are, you can see our whole bodies. It's not an illusion or it's not- - Yeah. - Are we dream boats? No. Are we, have we been on a boat? Do we dream? - At least we're not the same person that everyone accuses us of. - Yeah. - I was going through the comments, Dana. - Mm-hmm. - And just blocking people. - I know. - And no, I didn't- - I go through other podcast comments and pretend they're about me. - I compare comments of other YouTubes and go, "Oh, the people hated them. They're pretty nice to us. That's good."

My wife leads a little comment sheet, you know, that types it out every day. So I get comments on how I was the day before. Oh, she does on the fridge? Yeah, it's like comments. It's called. About your performance and said, that one guy looks stupid. And you're like, was that about me, honey? That's funny. So Dana, I was on the road. I know you're riveted by my stories about the, what's the tour called? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I got a feel for it. Yeah. So I was on the tour. We just started. We did New Jersey. New Jersey. And we did Boston. Okay. And then I got some coming up in Omaha, Des Moines, and what? St. Louis. Oh, that'll be good.

Home of Nikki Glacier. I know it is a fucking grind. And America, you know I'm the biggest pussy, so please come out because to get on stage, to limp on stage after all the travel. I know. For the love of God. Do you want me to still do my act? I just want to get there and touch the mic and go, I did it. Let's go. But when I hear the roar of the crowd. You've been everywhere, man. So here's what happens, Danny. All right, so which town or which flight? The hike.

Heather went on this one. I was with Dan Levy, Catherine Blanford. Heather went to just sort of supervise the children. So we go all the way out there. We get one of these first class, right? But you know, they kind of, you know, planes more than I should have checked with you. It's not the one that they say it's like a little small apartment. No, it's domestic. Yeah. So it's very rarely a wide body.

You know, do you know the difference between a wide body and a narrow body? Is it a 737? It's two and two, not two, three and two. Seats, that is. Wait, so it's two on the outside, three in the middle? Can be. Is that a wide body? Can be, depending on how they configure it. So you're probably on a Max, one of those ones that tend to go, but it's all right. Super Max. Super Crash. Super Crash.

So I went on and I was in first, 'cause sometimes I do code, sometimes I do first. This leg, lingo. Goes to sleep. I did. No, this leg I sit in first. But it was so squinchy, I couldn't really camp out in there, it was pretty basic. So it's just eight hours of reading Us magazine. And my monitor was on the fritz, my TV. They're like, "Oh yeah." And my wifi doesn't work, so I'm really raw-dogging it. How long can I read the barf bag?

Well, I have a fear of flying. And what's great is on some flights, I try to get on the Wi-Fi. Yeah. And I try for like four hours. That's the first half of your flight. And we'll be landing shortly. And all I did the entire flight was try to get the Wi-Fi. More like tri-fi. Yeah.

When I get on it, it goes credit card. This isn't your thing didn't match. And I'm like, and they're like, we're almost there folks. You're wrestling with a robot. I mean, I want to give them my money. No, here's the thing. The wifi works when you sign up for it and you pay. Oh, it works perfectly. Then suddenly it's on the fritz. Then it can't do anything. I'm like, how did the money get there so fast? How did that work? I don't get, I don't get, I don't get on wifi when I want to pay is what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, I'm saying I pay for it and then it won't go through. No, I know that's the worst. Okay, that's the double worst. Yeah, I'm rat fucked. So you made it. So there I am. There I am in beautiful New Jersey. So I walk around, do a few bits, you know, on the street just to warm up. Yeah. Anyway, show's fun. Great crowd. Next day, this is where it gets complex, Dana. Stay close. I'm listening. I have to take a, get a little puddle jumper to go. It's only like a 39 minute flight, right? Yeah.

So it's a puddle jumper. Well, like a smaller plane. You'd hate it. You'd hate it. I've been on every plane. It's not props, but it's a little skinny one. And now where I go, it'll be fun if we're on coach together, jam together. So I get on and they go, oh, you should get on first. You know, let's get on first. Bad idea. You get on first to give the, so you have luggage room. Right. You've never been in coach.

I should have taken pictures. I started out in coach for years. Oh, you've been there. You remember. Yes. So I get my bags up. Now I'm squinched and now we start the taxi. I have a show that night. So you get a little itchy, like, let's go, let's taxi. Let's get this thing. Right, right. So I'm like, are we driving there? I'm like, hey, there's the airport. No, we're driving over here. Taxiing. We're taxiing for one hour. Really? One hour? Yep. And then we're sitting there and I'm like,

Everyone closes their window on the plane. That's a new thing. Open. I want to see where I am in the world. Oh, we're still on the runway. We're about five feet from the gate. And then after an hour and people are, you know, they're putting their stuff in their butts in my face. I'm like, I don't really care about coach. This one was so tight. And so these tight butts in front of me. So I go, okay. And then they go, Hey, it's your captain. Uh, we got a little snafu up.

snap what snafu snafu up here and he goes we got nine computers and eight of them are working but the other one i go go for it like i'm like i don't care eight's fine i don't know what the ninth one does i'm gambling it doesn't do a lot but if we got eight that are pumping it out working hard and so he goes we're just gonna go back to the gate and check it out back to the gate oh that's a that's a real and you know you're and you know you're fucked when he goes

Actually, we're going to have you grab yourself and get off the plane just while we figure this out. Well, that's better because sometimes you sit on the plane. Maintenance is going to check it out. So you see a guy in an orange jumpsuit with a wrench, goes into the cockpit, comes out. He's sweating and he's shaking his head like this as he walks out. And he goes, get off. I'm not giving a lot of confidence. He's got a socket wrench. He's going, is it righty, tighty, lefty, loosey? I don't know, man. So I get off.

And I feel better that I'm off, but I go, we got to rent a car and go. You know, we got to just go. Because my flights, you know, I got to get to Boston. I cannot disappoint my fans. Oh, you went for the car thing. So we start calling a car, and then they go, well, it looks like we found a plane. We're going to get on in a half hour. I go, it's cutting close. And then they go, well, our plane, it's leaving from Charlotte soon. I'm like, oh, so it's not here. So what was that story? So we see a pilot.

And we go, dude, cut the bullshit. Give it to me right down the middle. Is this plane going to take off or should I get in that car? He goes, I'm one of the pilots. They usually, if they say a plane's coming, we're going. I'm like, okay, because our window's closed now for a car. So we wait. About an hour later, they load us up. Hour of taxiing.

Get there. Beep, bop, boop. Bop, bop, beep. This and that. That and this. Run on stage. Crush, crush, kill. Crush, crush, kill. Standing O. Standing O. Standing O. Sit down. Stand up again. Jumping jacks. Kill, kill, kill. Everyone's shooting off bottle rockets, rolling candles. Anyway, great show. Worked out. And, um,

That's a story that could have been 20 seconds. I have a 20 second one. So my wife and I are in Paris, metaphorical cigar. We don't travel ever. And we're going on an A380. It's like a, you know, basically a shopping mall with wings. It's so huge. And they drive you out in this car and they're playing music. And we go up on the gangway and it's French. It's Air France. So guys like Maurice Chevalier, for you older folks, he's just a charming French guy. And he means us, we are.

Pretty much probably going to take off, but right now we have a maintenance problem. So I suggest you go back to your lounge and come later. So guess what? They fixed it. We went and I was not happy on the climb out.

The climb out. Is that when you leave and go like that? Well, once it's the first 20 seconds are the most dangerous part of a flight. So you just, you know, you just wait. If you go to two minutes, the odds go to 20 million to one. So I just allow myself to be nervous. After how long? Two minutes? I ask my, I allow myself to be nervous for two minutes. I count from one to 120 back to zero and then I just go fuck it. Yeah. And then this is before I go to the airport though.

Sorry. Good night. Boom. But that's it. So I did that. Got back. My voice is a little low and we had Larry David today and I go, he better not think I'm sick. He will flip the fuck out.

I'm not sick guy. It's called being super fucking tough. That's what he does. I don't think he's phobic because afterwards he was so great. I just spit my palm in front of it. Put it there, pal. He did. Yeah. It's a big handshake. He wanted to wrestle out there. I'm like, wrestle? I don't wrestle. He's like, no, just grapple around a little bit. Take our shirts off. He gave me the whiskers like my dad. He got on top of me and he's like rubbing it. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

You know what the most embarrassing part of that is when you get a boner and you're like- This did not happen with our friend Larry David. No, it didn't happen. This is Jerry Seinfeld coming into Superflight just to say, no. He was great though. But he's on Flying the Wall right now.

He's literally on, as we speak, he's on there. And he was, he had two. Purple nurple. He had two tomato boom booms at the desperate sponge. I've done these Carson things for the last three years. It's working. I've got desperate sponge and I have not been able to beat it. But I have one I'm going to try right now in Superfly that doesn't beat it. But for some reason, it really makes me laugh.

I had two double daiquiris at Banana Dan's at the Prickly Porcupine. Banana Dan's is funny, right? I know, that's a quicker one. No, it's funny. I'm sorry. Listen, by the way, it sounds chaotic, but we have our buds coming in here to jump in and join for the news.

Because we're, I just like, I'm more amazed, even though our stories are dumb, I'm more amazed we're both sitting here and we get to show our whole hands and body. It's fun. Right. We're showing our legs, feet, hands. You get to see the Carrie Underwood calves I got going on here. I'll just say it. Gap, Brooks, Brooks. Oh yeah. Dana, Dana, what are you wearing? Gap, 10 years old, 10 years old, or Banana Republic. Cords. Banana Republic, stolen, Levi. Whole outfit, $39. How much is this little cutie? $39.

Whoops. Don't give yourself LASIK with the glare. Don't be jealous. It's solid gold with a solid diamond arm. It's a Rolex. Whoops. No, I have one good watch and our mystery guest is coming down the stairs. One of our old buddies. Oh, this is fun. We do have a mystery guest. Yeah. Okay. So we're not going to advertise. We've not advertised our guest and we're going to shoot it.

Oh, no. Carol Channing will be here in a minute. You might recognize him from the title. Yeah, as we stare at the door now like two puppies. Brooke Shields. Oh, I tell you, we got to get Brooke Shields on. She's great. I flew with her once. I hear Heather yapping in the hallway. It's our mystery guest. Interesting.

We're going, Kev, so just come sit down or whatever your name is. It's just rolling. You're just walking into television. Careful. This is like the Tonight Show. Let's bring out our first guest. Hey, good to see you, bud. There it is. Kevin Nilon. Kevin Nilon.

I brought you guys a little gift. Oh my God. That's the first time I've brought us something. Whoa. Good job, Gilligan. Anyone try these fucking chairs? I said Kevin is a properly sized man. One for one. I told him to give you space. I got it.

Yeah, they got a fucking box of groceries for some reason over there. All right, you're fine. So what is this stuff? Let me see. That is little cream puffs.

Dane, I'm a little bit of a spendy Susie. A boozy Susie and a spendy Susie. I'm more of a boozy Susie, but yeah. You are a spendy spender, yeah. And a lot of our listeners are nice enough to write in and say, you look like you drank a lot and slept on your face. But that's just constructive criticism. Well, it's very concise and you don't really drink very much, I'll tell the fans. Just puffy. Okay.

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We just show his clips on the internet and we'll see if they're- Right now, I would not join a modern day hunting party of men because the question is 100 men versus one full grown silverback gorilla. No chance. And there are people out there like this that are saying that 100 guys would win. And no, none of them wouldn't. No, just flat out no. A gorilla's skin, you can't bite through it. Their bones, somewhere between- There goes my plan. Learn that the hard way. As ours.

Their hand, like their grip force is something like 1,300 pounds. You can talk, O. Could make you jizz in two seconds. You know, if they came at him one at a time, they wouldn't win. The gorilla would win. But I think if they all jumped on him at the same time and poked his eyes out. Yeah, I think that the trick is the eyes are the nuts.

I think if the gorilla just put its giant arms down and just sat back and went, go ahead, your best shot. Sorry, substitute Yoda. How do you do a gorilla talking, Kevin? Well, here's what I would do. I can say you were onto something. Spotty was onto something. You take the balls and you shove them in the eye sockets. You cannot see through balls. You cannot see through balls. That's true.

- So then he's blind and ready to be pummeled. - You can't see through mine, I'll tell you that. Many have tried. - What would Hans and Franz say about a gorilla? - Well, you know, let me tell you something, Hans. There's no maths for us. You get us in the jungle and we just go ape crazy. - We humans, we're not a primitive primate. - You don't need a hundred, you need two. You two, Hans and Franz. - How many guys would it take though to take down a, let's say a chipmunk. Let's start with a chipmunk.

I'd say ground squirrel first. And then you work up. This guy, here's what would happen. You're right, Kevin. The strategy is I'd start with a push fight. Just let the grill, I get a feel for him, you know? Yeah, yeah. Okay, he is pretty strong. What are you looking at? His skin is tough. Okay. And then I'd tell everyone else to go first because he's going to get winded. I mean, if he's just plowing through guys,

It's hard. You need everyone to go at once. Like, go. And then everyone grab an arm or something. It's just, but it's too tough. It is too tough. Well, you know, they say to get rid of a shark, you just punch him in the nose. Yeah. So maybe that works with a gorilla too. Yeah. How about this guy? I think we should try it. One foot or maybe 18 inches of water or maybe two feet of water, great white and a gorilla fighting in two feet of water. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I got the plan. Where's Mr. Beast? I got the plan right here. He'll put this together. I don't know why we didn't think about this earlier. You have some kind of ether, and you put it over his nose and mouth and knock him out with the ether, with a bag of a cloth, the ether, put it over. And then he's out, and you just stomp on him, I guess. I'd say 100 guys all with chainsaws.

100 guys with chainsaws versus the gorilla. I guess they're saying you can't use any kind of weapon. Yeah, I would think you don't even have to say that. Please, this is new rules. Okay, people. Okay. New rules. 100 guys with chainsaws. Sorry, Bill. Okay. Is this worth it? Let me see. Mathematician who refused to accept

A Fields medal and the $1 million clay prize? Yeah, he wins a prize and they give him a million dollars. That looks like Bill Hader in makeup, right? What is a million dollar clay prize? I don't know. Play it. Let's see if it's worth a shit. Oh, he's not interested in money or fame. I don't want to be on display like an animal at the zoo.

I'm not a hero to mathematics. Ah, finally. - You're disturbing me, I'm picking mushrooms. - Oh yeah, this guy's just not fucking-- - So he gets a prize and he just rejects it? Is that the whole-- - Yeah, he's old school. He's like, I just do math, dude. I'm not trying to be in Goodwill Honey all day. - Man, what are your favorite heroes of mathematics? - Oh, I've got a lot. - Oh, fuck. - You gotta start with Newton. - You gotta start with Newton. - You gotta start with Newton. - He's in my car.

He is Isaac Newton. And if we knew another mathematician, we would say that's the next guy. Karl Marx was an incredible at arithmetic. Oh, yeah. And a great comedian, too. Yeah. He had an abacus.

I'm okay. Thanks for running over. Were you good at math in high school? I was very good at math. This guy's a whiz kid. Really? I was a whiz kid. But, you know, I got out of it. I think I hit a wall. Something stupid like geometry didn't click with me. Yeah, yeah. All my scholarships went down the drain. That was the only one I was good at was geometry. Oh, meet mop, square peg.

- I like that the best, 'cause I'm good with pictures, you know? - Oh yeah. - But there's numbers I'm not good with. Pictures, yeah. - Will you get a multiple choice? - Yes, for the SAG. - Can I give you one? - Yeah. - Okay. What doesn't belong here? Apple, pear, banana, tank. - What kind of banana? Is it a cicada?

This is a trick question. Yeah, it is. Is tank the name of a fruit? Kevin was shocked when he said, if math was more pictures than numbers, you would have been great. I would have. Turns out it's more numbers, I think. What's your top five worries in just your personal life? Is climate change in the mix? Kevin, is your number one worry you're set at the improv? COVID much?

My number one worry is that gorilla. If it's that gorilla they showed, I would be scared. But go ahead. How about a thousand men trying to take it down? How about me taking on a hundred gorillas and let's see what the fuck's going on? How about one gorilla takes down a thousand? Well, I think, you know, the top five worries I think for everybody is, except for Spade, is financial. Financial. And then health.

Right. Right? Yeah. And then your car. They always say invest wisely. And then bags under your eyes. Bag eyes. That's one of mine. And then any kind of wrap. Carpal tunnel. Thanks, comments. Carpal tunnel. Did you honestly, no joke, did you sleep on your face last night?

Someone called me a pound puppy. That's what people say. I'm sorry. You know, those old pound puppies, they have dogs with big droopy baggy eyes. Yeah. I'm going to Brad Pitt's guy and I'm going to say, take a samurai, do whatever. Why Brad Pitt? Does he, has he, I don't think he just looks good. If anyone looks good, I want to use a CPAP machine at night. Do I? Yeah, I do not. Do you want me to? It's kind of fun. What does it help? It helps if you're snoring or if you, um, wake up with, uh, uh,

sleep apnea where you gasping for breath how do you know you have it oh you'll wake up I do it yeah you wake up and you're gasping yeah I do that oh what if you wake up and you're kind of like that was a sexy dream you don't have apnea right oh no no have you ever waken up with a boner let's look at a clip

Not mine. That's me. By the way, like these two guys, because we just in here together, like Kevin's rhythm comedically and yours just, there's symmetry there. I mean, it's kind of nice. But who came first? No, Kevin. By the way, we can mention it here and mention it later. Kevin is shooting a special. Yes. At the Irvine Improv. Great room. Great room. Incredible. What are the dates? The date's going to be May 11th.

10th. May 10th, Saturday at the Irvine Improv. Two shows. Two shows, six and 830. Irvine Improv. Tickets are going very quickly. Low ticket warning. No, Irvine does fill up and it's such a good comedy crowd. They're really good. Great comedy crowd. Yeah, people should check this out because Kevin, I've been watching for years and years and always guaranteed funny. I see you doing

Even practice sets of the improv killing. Kevin Yeun is everybody's, all the comedians know he's one of the all-time greats. Everybody's friend's favorite comedian. Now, you know, they say Nate Bregazzi goes, I'm everyone's mother's favorite comedian. Yeah, right. Is this, do you feel like you're at the top of your game? I'm at the top of my game. I'm at the top of my game and it is downhill after this, I'll tell you that. But I'm telling you, I've been working a lot on the road lately and I'm, I gotta

I gotta be honest with you, I'm kind of funny. I'm kind of funny. - Oh, you are. - Yeah, and I can't wait to do this actually. I'm really, you know, I used to, I did other specials before and I was kind of worried about it, you know, do the exact same thing each show, but now I'm just going in, I'm having fun. - Yeah, it is such a mind thing. - It is a mind thing. - If you just go with that.

Let's keep talking. Okay, keep talking. So we're talking about Kevin's special. Tickets are going very, very fast. Irvine Improv. May 10th, Irvine Improv. I'm so excited. And he's at the top of his game. Top of my game. It is like an athletic thing. Scotty, I got to tell you this. Mm-hmm.

I've been doing a lot of research on specials. I've talked to Dane about this and I've been going on Netflix. By the way, there's like a thousand specials on Netflix. So I don't think there's specials anymore. So I'm looking at different backdrops that people are using, you know, to get an idea. And then I came across yours. I thought, well, let me hear what, let me hear what Spade does in his act in the beginning. Let me see how he gets into it.

And you did a bit that was exactly the bit I was going to do. Oh, really? Yeah. And I thought, oh my God, that was like my, that was my coming out of the gate, get him on my side. And then I could just cruise for the rest of the show. Okay. And what is the bit? The bit is, uh, I just do a truncated, but he really milks it. He's got a better, better way of doing it. But I say, um, so I'm outside, right? I'm out front of the club and I'm talking to this woman. I don't know who she is. Fan. And, um,

She's one of these people who likes to announce that she's a hugger before she hugs you. She goes, I'm a hugger.

And I said, well, I'm a kisser. She wasn't a hugger anymore. And then I go on. But so I'm watching Spades thing. It's a good quickie. Oh, shit. Is that your special? It was kind of, it was during COVID. I'm a hugger. He's an ass grabber and all that. So just absolute, sometimes it happens parallel. Yeah. I mean, there's so many comedians out there now. I mean, people are, a lot of comics are doing the same hunks, same topics. Yeah.

And I'm going through these things. I'm thinking, okay, got to get rid of that. Got to get rid of that. Got to get rid of that. It's your spin on it because back when we started, everyone had a 7-Eleven joke and McDonald's.

But then I was like listening to Dennis Miller and I'm like, well, he's not a hack. He's doing all of them, but he just does his version of it. So as long as it's your version of each joke, who cares? Well, I like the way you did my version of it really well. Yeah, you know, I remember that night you went and saw Kevin at the store and you go, he was really funny. His opener was great. I said, I have no ideas for a special. Then I saw him and I go, I have a lot of ideas.

And then you said, all of a sudden you had a new act, but you said you saw him there. And then you also saw him at the ice house. No, I just did one, but you're going to, Dana was telling you about shots. Dana wasn't happy with his shots. Yeah. He liked the cowboy shot. And so you try to go loose. Even this is like,

It's really nothing, but it's kind of important. Dana and I like to show both of us, so it's just like more of a bullshitting. Let's let them in on what the cowboy shot is. This is like, it started with Steve Allen, I think, or Carson. Comes out for the monologue. If he had a pair of six shooters, you'd still see the bottom of the guns. So it's sort of like mid-upper thigh.

And also then if you gesture like, so I went to Nova Scotia, you could still see the hands in the frame. Yeah, yeah. So that's the shot you want to stay on most of the time. The special I did, for some reason, they had eight cameras. They didn't have that shot. They had head to toe or here or here. Tight. And here is good for horror films. Yeah.

But for comedy, it's editorializing. And when it's that Jimmy Kimmel, Fallon, they all do, Colbert, they all do that cowboy shot. You should be a cinematographer. You're so good at noticing those things. Thinking of that, I know, I can't help it. There's always a shot of sweating, like a tight shot. Some comedy, you're like, oh, this kid's working. I think just the title alone will bring people to my show. What's the title? Loosen the Crotch.

Loosen the crotch? Loosen the crotch. Hilarious. Mostly. I like it. I'm doing one too. It's called What's Up, Bitch? Oh. Yeah. And who is she? I'm trying to stop yours. David, if your special wasn't Dandelion, what was it going to be? It was going to be In Between Benching. That's good. Actually, a friend of mine, Larry Bubbles Brown, is like this very funny guy.

That was where I got the line from. He wanted to name my special, Don't Laugh, Bitch, You're Next. I don't mind that. Well, it's such a painting a picture of something. You're just called Dandelion? Yeah. That's a great title. That's like Chris Rock's tambourine. I don't mind one word. It's kind of vague. And it really kind of means, because in one of my bits, I say, I almost got in a fight at McDonald's. And I say, guys, I can't get in a fight. I'm a bit of a dandelion. I look tough on TV, but-

I will break easy. No, I think it's good. Think of a title. But that's good too because you could kind of refer back to it. Well, that's, you know, when I did Dandelion. Yeah. You know, as opposed to, that's when I did Loose in the Crotch. It's not the same really. Don't you love when people refer to shows they do and truncate it? I knew a guy who worked on Saved by the Bell and he wanted it to seem more fancy. He goes, yeah, that was when I was working on Bell, you know? Yeah.

And, you know. S-A-B-D. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah, we worked on Bella, you know. Yeah. But, you know, I was working on Dandy. You know, that was my Dandy special. I know, Curb Your Enthusiasm went down to Curb, but it could have, it's easier than saying, I worked on Enthusiasm.

You tighten it that way. It's hard to do that. I don't know if they'd go Feld. I had a show called Feld. Seinfeld. You guys are two of the people I think I could sit and listen to the most and enjoy like a conversation, like in a booth at a diner. Not separately. That would be horrible. Right, because you need the two. Well, you know, in Russia, there's a guy, a Russian friend of mine said this, is that if they go for a vodka, they always get a third.

So they never have two guys going out. It's almost intrinsically kind of romantic. Just two guys alone. What do you like? What do you like? What woman do you do? You know, so they get a third. Right now we're in a third. So if you say something funny, you might have two people laughing. If I say something funny, I probably have two people laughing. And then people in the background laughing really hard as well. Now, David. That's the same policy I have for a threesome.

You know what I mean? You don't want one-on-one. I did have a three-some-odd. You've ever done a two-and-a-half-some? You've had a three-some-odd? I had one recently in college. Did I tell you this? Recently? When did you just graduate? In college. Okay, it was me, my buddy, and this other guy. Okay. Listen, one of us was supposed to be a girl. That was the first plan. That was the blueprint. And then it got nighttime. Shit.

She flaked and I'm like, guys, it's all set up. Let's just run through it once. Let's just grab someone. Let's just see if we get the beats down. You know what I mean? Let's just do the blocking. Dry rehearsal. And, you know, we got the candles. It looks like a sting video. And so in hindsight, it seemed gay. Yeah. When I explained it to people and then they explained it to me. It didn't. It was gay. Yeah. I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with that. Some of the seams, I guess, is out of it now. It's all just. Well, hindsight.

It's got to be gay. Yeah. Hindsight is a good name for a special. Oh, man, that would be good, hindsight. But then you got to put that word in there somewhere. Oh, and you're asked. That's the hard thing of doing that is like a movie and then the title somewhere in it. It's not a rule, but it's kind of interesting that Dandelion was in it. But I liked Dandelion

And then I go, I got to make sure I do that bit because I want to say it in there somewhere. What about these guys who have t-shirts printed up with their joke on it? And they got like a thousand t-shirts and they got to keep doing that joke. Oh, that's right. To sell the t-shirts. Who is the first one you remember that had merch? Vic Dunlop was mine. Yeah, what a good memory. Remember him? You know what it was? Tim Thomerson. I'm just thinking of the comedy store regulars. They were like, it was what people, well, you don't know. A bit from their act that would kill.

- Yeah. - They decided, oh, I'll bring a suitcase full of these goofy eyes. And then people laugh, they walk out drunk, they grab it for 10 bucks or something. - The great thing about dandelion is you could just put that on a shirt and people like that anyway. - It'll be a nice dandelion. - It'll be a skinny dandelion with a little bandaid on it. And the white parts will be my hair and it'll say, blow me.

It's not bad. Oh, so it's not the, that's an overly ripe dental. Yeah, but I thought that's what they all were. No. That's how stupid I am. Kevin's like, oh my God, no. That's good to be able to say, blow me. It's like, wasn't Howard Stern's book coming all over you again or something? No, that was Tom Segura's tour is, I'm coming all over the world. No, Howard Stern had a book too. Coming all over.

So why, how come we never did Hans and Franz t-shirt? I guess we couldn't back in those days. Hey, have you read the Lauren book? Don't be a girly man. Huh? Have you read the Lauren book? I'm on page 800. Really? I just wait for other people to read it and then explain it to me. Have you read it? Not yet, but my wife read it and she, every morning she gives me a recap. Oh, really? Oh, that's good. So I might do that as a podcast, like as a Instagram. Oh, to read it? Every day, read it and just kind of give a little summation. Oh, you should. It would go on for a long time. I'd watch it because I want to know what's in it. Yeah. Photos?

- Yeah. - Is there photos in it? - A couple, just me though. Just a lot of different. - He was always my favorite. - Did you still draw cartoons? - Something about Kevin. - Did you ever draw me? - Not yet.

It's interesting to see how many people got fired from that show that you didn't know got fired. It was soft firing, though, kind of. We talked to Taron Kelly about that. It was sort of like, you're never like, you're fired. It's sort of slowly you get fired. Farley and Sandler. I didn't know that. Soft firing, right? Yeah. Did you know they got fired? I didn't know that. I did not know that. I found out about a year ago that they got fired. Me too. Yeah. Because they were doing so well. Yeah, we were doing that threesome.

Was that you, the third guy? What school did you go to? But that book, it's pretty interesting from what I'm hearing. Oh, Lauren's? Yeah. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. I heard it was really good. She spent eight, Susan Morrison? Yeah. Eight years on and off. Ten years. She came on here and you have to buy it. Really? It's good, yeah. Yeah, nice. Would you like to have a book written about you, David? No, because I don't like everyone's recollection. People are like, oh.

oh in Arizona my friend drove with you you were sitting on a keg in the back of a truck all the way to Flagstaff cracking jokes the whole time I'm like wrong wrong wrong would never be in the back would never be cracking jokes the whole time keg maybe but it's always like stories that are like a it would drive me crazy if I was these super famous people that you have to read like all these things about yourself and

You know, some's true, some's not, but you just feel like an asshole. Okay, pop quiz. It's three million to write the book. Banana. What was the question? Tank. You don't want to write a book, but they say, it's three million for David Spade to write it. I know. Dana's thing is like- I'm about money and camera angles. Would you do this? That's the name of my book. And then you say, absolutely not. Would you do it for this much? And you go, well. You know, I do this hiking show, as you know, because you're both on there.

- I was on it twice, Griffith Park, or three times. - Yeah, and often people go, "Who was the most of a handful on your hike?" And I say, "Well, you know, everybody's great." I said, "No, if you had to name one." I said, "Well, David Spade. "David Spade finally agreed to do it after two years." - 'Cause either the sun might blind him. - No, he said that, "Okay, I'll do it, "but it's gotta be in between rush hour traffic."

and it's gotta be totally flat. - I gotta be flat. - It's gotta be flat. And I got just a trail, it was totally flat. - You fucking ass. - And we're walking. - Nope. - And all of a sudden he stops and he goes,

Are we going uphill? It was like a 1% grade. I could feel it. He could feel it. And he had to have food. Feel my neck. I'd have a picnic. You'd have to have picnic halfway through. Poor Kevin. First of all, I did say, I did suggest that Kmart parking lot on third by the Grove. I go, it's funny. It's flat. Okay. All we're going to do is talk.

Do we really need to beat the shit out of me? And he's like, yes, we do. This is very legit. Part of it is the effort. No. Anyway, so then. Not in your episode. Not big on effort. And then, but Kevin, I was thinking, what a puss I am. He's holding a camera, right? And you have all these waters for me and you to make sure. Yeah. A little trail mix for me when I black out. First aid kit for when I get bit by a snake. So we're walking up and I'm like, this poor guy. And it didn't even bother you. You were just like.

Well, it was flat. Well, you're still holding stuff. Do you ever wonder what people say about you at your memorial? I know. It's kind of sad, but I do think about it sometimes. Don't you wish you could have a memorial before you die?

- That's called a birthday party or something. I don't know, it's called something. - You're right. - You know what, you know you're getting old when someone goes, "How old are you?" And you go, "Blah, blah." And they go, "Eh, still kicking." Am I that close to not kicking anymore? - The worst is when they say, "You know, you look good for your age." So in other words,

You're really old, but you look good. But you're pulling it off. I know. I used to tease Sandler. I don't do it anymore, but I would always say, so you're what? And I would, knowing I'm saying like six years younger. Yeah. So you're like 34 right now, right? And he goes, oh, Carmen, you son of a bitch. It's like he's 40. But always go older. Like I just tell people I'm 87 because I want, I just want to be shocked. I want them to go, what? I like to go up to muscular people, you know, that I know. I go, so when did you stop working out? That's

That's so great. Then you get them in a headlock. Yeah. Here's one I think we shouldn't do as a society. This is pretty heavy for everyone. Interesting. But every time someone croaks, whatever, delicately put, there's, they put them on their Instagram, you know, and everyone says this really nice things. They should do that when people are getting toward the end, like,

They should see that. I never got the thing about writing on Instagram to someone who's dead or someone who's not there. And they write this long thing. That's for people to say, oh, what a good guy you are. They can't read it. So they would cherish it if they saw it before. Okay. Let me have you. This is, I'm fascinated. I love that. And I'm also fascinated in the general topic is people who have successfully faked their own death.

And disappeared on planet Earth. So if you were going to fake your own death and really had to get away with it, what would you do? You have five seconds. Well, I've done it several times. So I know. People thought I was dead until I came on here. Your name is Vladimir Koltis. You get a show on the CW. I think I would.

Remember, what's his name? D.C. Cooper or something. He jumped out of a plane. Oh, D.B. Yeah, that's probably successful. He parachuted out. And Andy Kaufman, of course, faked his death. He's still out there somewhere. Is he? Andy Kaufman, yeah. They say a lot of people are. Elvis. I think I would have to do something with an explosion so that it would seem like there's no way I could have lived. No questions. Well, first of all, you want to leave everything at home.

So they would think that you couldn't go anywhere without your credit card or your passport or anything. Yeah, you'd have to race. Leave it all there. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then I think I would almost kill myself. Do you know what I mean? So I could come out of a coma later, like in the middle of the woods. Or you could say of amnesia or something. See, I could convince people that I was dead without going anywhere.

Do you understand what I'm saying? No, I don't. I don't either. I'm a riffing. What about the lady that said she had an affair, but she just came out and she said, I was attacked. I don't remember anything. And she beat herself up. Oh, yeah. They bought it for about 10 minutes and they go, hey, you want one? You can have one. I'm going to have one of these. These are mine now, but I'll give you one. Talk about gorilla testicles. Tasty. Good. Let's get that in slow motion. Tighten in. Dana, you haven't had this many carbs in...

- I just don't, it would make me sick. I can't have that much sugar. - Is it a jelly donut? - They look delicious though. - Fucking shit, Kevin, this is expensive. - Is it talking? - This is nice. - I could return two of them. They said if there's any unleft. - Are there sponsors? - Oh really, then they're gonna sell them to the next guy? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I get it. - But, yeah, I don't know. How would you make it look like you died? - Well, it's a trickier question. - I'm sorry I brought it up. - It's a skateboarding accident.

I went out to skate the desert pipes and then I just disappeared. They thought the coyotes got me and then people didn't know if they meant the coyotes that bring you over the border. And it was just so, yeah. - This is mine. I would introduce to the world that I'm a long distance ocean swimmer.

And so for at least three months, I would go out there and I'd swim in the ocean. And then one day I would, you know, have hired some local bandits or whatever, have a rowboat. Bandits. And I'd just get in their boat and, you know, I'd take off my trunks and the flippers and everything. That's a great idea. And then I would just row to another place. You know what? Sleeping with the Enemy. Remember that movie? Julia Roberts? Yeah.

I took it a clip. She swam off. She did. Yeah. I'm more about leaving parts of my body so that they think that, well, that's it. Like I would take, this is something I really have to sacrifice. No joke. The lower my jaw. I would rip that out so they have dental records. They know it's me. And where's the rest of the body? Doesn't matter. Does a tooth count or they can't tell? They have to look at your whole body?

- Just the dental, the dental. - But like if you left a tooth, can they tell it's yours? - Yeah, maybe. - First of all, I'll put tattoos on all my teeth, there's like a bit, then they'll know I have that. Then I just leave one tooth and then I wanna go, you wanna put that in there? - Can I just put that in there and keep it safe? I'll put this on top of here. You know, these are really sweet.

I was on a date with this girl and I go, hey, do you want the rest of this pasta? And she goes, I don't want the rest of anything. Just give me a new one. I was like, wow. How long did you go out? Dude, I faked the bathroom and I bounced. No, I didn't. That's a disappearing act. Like, I'll just be a guy. And then you just bolt ghost out. That's roo-hoo. How far do you think someone was hustled as, you know,

what is the record for hustling somebody like out of a club? You know how they hustle you out, you know, like they're throwing you out, but then they keep going. They keep hustling. - Oh, they hustle you out. - Down La Cienega, you know, out to the 405, they're still hustling. - Down to San Vicente and then keep going to the 10. - Well, the record is 30 miles. - Oh, I didn't know that. - Yeah, yeah. - The record. - Flat, you would like it. - What joke did I think of yours the other day? I always tell you the same ones, I'm trying to think of different ones. - You always bring up the joke I used to do.

You know, I got a really nice camera. It's one of those black ones. That's because every camera was black back then. I was like, there's back in the day. That was good. The nestled in the hills.

- Yeah, and this is all memorial stuff. - You don't do those anymore? - No. - You don't? - No. You don't keep stuff like that, do you? - Once in a while if I'm stuck in a jam, I do your jokes. - Oh, here's a good story. I ran into David Letterman over the holidays.

And he could not be more complimentary. And I never felt like I knew him that much or that he was a fan of mine, but he was listing stuff. He goes, oh, that, you know, you did the Mark Twain thing for Lorne. You were the funniest one there. Oh, wow. I love your hiking show. I watch it all the time. Really good. I'm not kidding. It's a really good show. And he goes, and then I keep quoting your joke, the Lincoln joke. And I go, what Lincoln joke? He goes, you know, the one where, you

You know, the one you do, the Lincoln joke. I said, I don't, I'm not sure which one you're talking about. You know, the Lincoln joke where it goes like this, you know, you know, Abraham Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow. But what they don't tell you is he was late every day. Mm-hmm.

I go, I don't, I don't remember that one. He goes, well, I've been giving you credit for it. So I thought, well, maybe I did do that. And then I thought, I'm going to do that again, man. I'm going to do that next to my next set. So I go up there and I do it. Crickets. I don't personally get it.

Because he walks so long, he's late every day. I know, but what? You think he's a hero, but you know what? What has to be set up like it was unbelievable. He walked in a blizzard every day. He was a hero. He had most absence. Needs a much bigger setup. I'm just quoting him. He was really late. Yeah, we're fixing this joke that Kevin didn't even do. I think our friend David Letterman misremembered it. I think he would have written it a lot better. I ran into him and he didn't read my resume.

A friend of mine gave me a joke. A friend of mine gave me a joke that I was doing, again, at the beginning of my act. And I thought it was his, but it turned out that it was like a well-known old joke that's been around forever. And it goes something like this.

And then you can punch it up. There's a lot of those. We don't know the stock jokes. We don't know where they came from. Yeah. So this guy, you really have to appreciate things in life. A lot of people don't. Like I know of a guy, he has sex twice a day. He reads three books a week and he's always working out. And yet here he is still complaining about being in prison. I'm like, really? That's good. That's not yours, is it? No. That's a good one. That's a good joke.

But I thought it was his. And so then when I Googled it, and it's like a joke that's out there. I have this joke that gets such a laugh. I don't know why two Irishmen walk out of a bar. It could happen. Why does that get such a laugh? I do it as George W. Bush. Because they're all drunks, right? Well, you've got to give a name of the pub. You've got to give it like McSorley's. Well, if I do it as a character, it gets a big laugh. Oh, you do the Irish accent. No, I do George W. Bush. I said he was a funny, you know. Is it because they're all drunks?

Yeah, the core knowledge you'd have to think is they never leave a bar because they're alcoholics. But there's more teetotallers in Ireland than any other country. Really? Yeah, but the ones who drink make up for it. But they love their tea. British people and English people. Let's have a proper tea, huh? Can we have a proper tea? Yes. My mother-in-law is Irish, 94, and she's...

Everything is tea. She'd like a cup of tea, love. I'm the worst at British accents. I don't spit, I don't think you are either. No, I'm great. I think you're worse at it. At SNL, when they had a table read and everybody had to be British. Sickening. Phil Harmon, everybody was doing different, you know,

places of England and it comes around to me all I could do was John Lennon oh I remember one time you know that's good all I could do yeah and everybody would laugh here's where I gotta laugh because they go you have to do German and this one I go German and then they go and I think Mike Myers was Hitler and they go to me and I go oh

Then I got a laugh. I go, oh. So every time they get coming back to me, I fucking milk the odd Jew out of it. I was like this cat. You like some milk. I give it to him. Do you have any cats? Do you have any animals? Do I have any animals? I have to ask someone. No, I share a dog named Junebug.

- Junebug? - Junebug. - Nice. - Bulldog. - Cute. - I have a great name for a dog if I ever got one. - That's a good idea. What are the names? - Chowder. - Chowder? - Yeah, like clam chowder, but chowder. - Oh, that's cute. - As they say in Boston, chowder. - Yeah, that sounds so much like it. - Chowder. Chowder.

I like boss. Does anyone know what Chata is? What's up, boss? Hi, boss. Irvine Improv. Irvine Improv, May 10th. Can we watch more clips or what are we doing? Yeah, let's watch a couple more clips. I'm shooting my special called Loosen the Crotch. Loosen the Crotch, where do you see it? 6th and 8th, Irvine Improv. Oh, you see it. I thought that was a joke, Loosen the Crotch. No, that's it. Oh, that's great. That's great. It's a joke. It's part of a joke. So you're taping it there. Loosen the Crotch. Taping it there.

And then we'll see. Okay. So we're going to tape it. So show up at the tape. We're on improv. May 10th. And let's look at a few more stories and we'll bomb on these and then we'll wrap it up. Tickets going fast. We'll fade out here, but the next thing you'll see is him doing stand-up. I thought about low ticket warning isn't a bad name for a special. Oh, that's good. Dana had the best title. Tell them your title for your special. Oh, Critics' Choice. Critics' Choice. Yeah. People think, oh, the critics love this. But no, it's the title. Yeah. And then Sandler did Certified Fresh. Yeah. That was kind of- Oh, for Tomatoes. Yeah, for Tomatoes.

What are you calling him? I've been in- He's on Amazon. Probably six Sandler movies, and combined, we got 100% rating. Now, combined, we got about a 54. Okay. We got nine on Grown Ups, eight on Grown Ups 2. Great.

You're still ahead of Master's Guys. Those tomatoes are harder to get than you think. Got negative 19. It was so bad that they actually, Rotten Tomatoes, like 10 years later, 15 years later, rewrote the review. Because then they thought it was much better. And they said it was if it was written by little children. Even if tomatoes turned themselves into ketchup, they were so embarrassed for that movie. I guess it's one...

If there was a sarin gas attack, where would you go? Oh, under the Superfly sign. Do you have an earthquake kit? It's got my head shot in it. It's got a couple basics. You got a fire kit? Three Triscuits and a Slim Jim. VHS Joe Durst in there. I don't like this.

We got such great food in our earthquake kit. Oh, yeah. What do you have? Some gourmet stuff? Well, not much now because I've been eating. Oh, you got into it? Don't get into the earthquake kit. Oh, man. I love it, man. What do you have in there? Spaghetti? I replaced it with just popcorn. It's like styrofoam. Yeah. But, you know, people get those earthquake kits and stuff. And if they put them in the house, how are they going to get to them if the house is totally collapsed? Oh, yeah.

I would like a buzzer that tells you where the earthquake is going to be so I can get to a part of the house that would help me. Because chances are you'll be in your car or whatever. They say this last one, the buzzer went off, but it only gives you eight seconds. Like everyone just goes like this for eight seconds. Like, where are you going? What's the plan? No, no, no. Yeah, you yell no, no, no. But you weren't threatened by the fire. You weren't, Dana, because you live up north. Nope, nope. No, it doesn't scare me. Not a chance, but I haven't been there.

Danny goes, I'm going to move so far. There's no fires out. There's no fire. They don't know what fire is. We laugh at that. It really makes you realize what's valuable in your life. Yeah. What was it? What did you realize? Well, I was out of town. What's valuable? I can't remember. And the fire was coming close to us. You know, we're in evacuation, red flag area. And I call my assistant. I said, would you go to the house and get those external drives I have and my passport? She goes, yeah, she got it. Whew.

Fire's not getting to our house yet. There's no evacuation notice. So I call her back. Would you go back to the house and less and less valuable stuff. Will you go back to the house, get that Gibson guitar I have and that art set. And then it got to the point with, would you go back to have a mechanical pencil on the desk that I really like? I like the way it writes. And there's a sandwich in the refrigerator that I made yesterday, tuna salad.

And it goes on and on like that. Would you go on? Would you take the garbage out while you're there? Yeah. Would you go back? It's just inconvenient. Would you go back? Hey, I know you're- Hey, do me a favor, you know? Could you get on a plane tomorrow and go to my second home in Arizona, you know, and check and see if the air conditioning is off? Do me a favor. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. I was on the road and I got the- Do me a solid. This house right here, they had a mansion alert. Do you remember that? I have a mansion app. I hit that in the middle of the night.

Amber Alert, when that thing goes off, I'm more scared than the kid, just for that short time. All right, well, our guest has been Kevin Nealon. I'm still Kevin Nealon. Oh. Our guest is still Kevin Nealon. There's your next special. Still Kevin Nealon. Kevin, Irvine Improv, May 10th. May 10th. Tickets are going fast. Showtimes again? You can get them on kevinealon.com. Okay. Or you can go to the Irvine Improv and get them on there. Irvine Improv, great room, a lot of fun. You can eat right there at Habit.

Javier's. Great place. Paul. Cocktails. Yeah. I love that place. So good luck with it. And I'll see you here at the practice sets and let's hike it, man. Let's go a little steeper next time. Don't be a puss. All right. I couldn't agree more. All right. I'm going to leave and you guys, you know, leave in about five minutes. Okay. Bye guys. David Spade. Yeah. David Spade. Dana Carvey. Dana Carvey. Nice.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Mm-hmm.