Mommy's Going to Federal Prison
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So are we supposed to start the podcast?

Hi, Jenny. Welcome. Well, thank you so much for welcoming a lowly old co-star such as myself to your show in which you are the star. Oh, yes. I am the star. We would like to welcome our listeners to this Thursday edition, bonus edition of I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. And what were we going to call her, Kylie? Oh, the Princess Diana. Yeah.

Of Oklahoma City. I think we can call you the Princess Diana of podcasting. I think I'll start calling you Jessica. Fuck off. Fuck, that was such a good burn. God, that was good. It's hard on you. Oh, that's so good. Kylie is here. Richard is here. And before we move forward, I want to read a comment that, was this on TikTok, Kylie? Yes. And his name is Tyrayann.

Okay. And he comments, every atom of their beings are the exact opposite of a Karen. Okay.

So I would like to take that comment and cram it up everybody's ass on all the social media sites that referred to us as a Karen because this motherfucker knows what's up. God, he has our back, doesn't he? Yes, he does. And I love him. I love that. I love him. Although I've kind of embraced being a Karen. I kind of think I am one. I just have had it with you embracing shit like that. You're embracing aging. I've had it. It's not a positive thing to be a Karen. No.

Don't say you're embracing. But it's not bad. It's bad. I don't think it's bad. It's very bad. Richard? I mean, you're like a busybody over. It's bad. It's aggressive. You do not want to embrace being a Karen. Okay. Okay. I mean, stop it. Stop with I'm getting bangs when I turn 60. I'm embracing being a Karen. My glass is just always half full.

There is nothing, nothing full about being a Karen. These women are awful. Speaking of awful women, this is just like a pop culture thing I have to talk about.

Okay, the Elizabeth Holmes, you know, the Theranos person, the blood company. Yes. The quote unquote dropout. Yes, a racket, complete racket. The biggest racket up to a billion dollar racket. Yeah. Where she got like Henry Kissinger and other famous people to back a product that was all fake. Right. She was lying about it from the jump. Right. So she gets arrested. Right. And she has, when her trial, her trial's supposed to start. Right.

She has to delay it because she's having a baby, which I'm like, would you really have a baby when you know you're guilty of sin and going to go to jail? But apparently she didn't. Is this her first baby or second baby? First baby. Okay. So then she's supposed to go to jail in February, but she can't because she's had a second baby. So she has to postpone going to jail.

So now this woman has had two kids knowing she was guilty of sin and going to go spend a ton of her life in jail. In the federal prison. In the federal prison, which I'm just like, so you're using a baby to keep yourself out of jail. This is called selfish breeding.

Selfish breeding. Yes, there are selfish breeders that breed for completely selfish reasons. And I think this needs to be taught about at school. Some people think like they're in a relationship. I'm going to get pregnant. So this relationship will continue. Selfish breeding. Well, I just think I'm going to get pregnant so I can delay going to the federal penitentiary. Right.

Selfish breeding. There's a lot of people out there that are breeding that should not be breeding. And the fact that they're doing it is selfish.

Yeah. Well, I mean, there's a lot of reasons you shouldn't breed. Mine is a perfect example. I mean, my kids are great, but I mean, I should have skipped that entire part of my life where I was breeding with my ex-husband. What would you do with your time if you did not have these kids? I don't know what I would do. I would be so sad. I know. As you once told me, I'd have other kids that I'd love just as much. Yeah.

No, I think it is. I watched the whole show. That was unbelievable. It's unbelievable. I'm sure a lot of podcasts have covered this, but we're a new podcast, so we're going to fucking talk about it. Yeah. But-

all of these smart people that bought into it. Right. And she never showed him the prototype really. Bananas. I mean, she had it sold and was using it in Walgreens and it didn't exist. But isn't the baby daddy of the, of these two kids, isn't he like a billionaire? He's a billionaire, which I'm like, you know, they're going to break up when she's in jail. Maybe he would want to be my boyfriend, my billionaire boyfriend. I'm,

I mean, what do you think is wrong with him? I have thought that before. Like, you know she's going to jail. Now you have these two little bitty kids with her. Because you know he's going to dump her flat. I mean, who wants to spend...

A decade of their life with somebody in jail. No way. Every weekend going to visit them. No. And I think they said she's going to Texas. But you know what, this gal, this is like five-star entitlement. Right. She felt so entitled that she had this idea and she saw the Zuckerbergs and all of these people, the Jeff Bezos, that became billionaires. And so she thought, I'm going to invent something like they did and I'm going to be a billionaire. And it's like...

She just thought it. She tried to manifest it. And this is why manifesting is bullshit. If she could have manifested, it would have happened. She manifested a prison sentence. Right. Yes, she did. She had this idea and then she lies to everybody. But the sense that she should still be taking in all of this money is complete entitlement. Right. The fact that she's having these kids when she can't mother them.

Right. It's complete entitlement. I mean, this is just completely she does not think the rules of the world apply to her. And she feels very entitled to create a fake billion dollar business. Right. And then she creates these very real children. Right. That are going to be raised motherless for the most time.

important years of their development, she's going to be in the pokey. Right. She's going to be in jail. And here's my whole thing with it. If you got arrested after you already had kids, that's different. Right. I mean, obviously you don't want to be a criminal, whatever. To have kids born at such a time that it delays your trial and then delays your sentencing because she was supposed to go in February to report to jail. Right.

But she got extended to April because she had a baby. I mean, that to me is... How long is her sentence? Like 11 years. But I mean, that is just... She's fucked up. It is like... It is an entitlement. She felt entitled. Narcissism too. Narcissistic. She should not be breeding at all. I mean, that was an immediate... I'm charged with multiple federal crimes. Right. I think perhaps I'm not going to have a baby right now. If she wanted to freeze her eggs...

Do it. Right. Good for her. Have a surrogate like the last year. But I mean, it's her choice. And at the end of the day, I believe having a child is everybody's choice. Right. Not the fucking Republican parties. That's for goddamn sure. Right. But it's her choice to do so. But I fundamentally judge the choice of doing it right before you're about to do an 11-year stint in prison. For fraud. Here's another thing that bugs me about her.

Remember when she was in the middle of being the queen of Sheba Theranos? She made her voice very deep like this. Yes. And she only wore black clothes. Yes. Like Steve Jobs. Right, right. And said, I don't want to have to think about what I wear because I'm so focused on my work. Shut the fuck up. She was so focused on ripping everybody off. I mean, just a total...

I don't know. I think it's weird. That's just my little pop culture blurb for today. So stick with I've Had It for more hot takes from Pumps. But right now, we want to hear some hot takes. We want to hear from our listener. You know, Pumps, I think I want to try to smell better naked. Yeah.

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Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps and

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Hey y'all. So I don't really have an I've had it, but I have something that I want y'all's opinions on, specifically Jennifer's.

So this weekend, somebody in my town had a pickleball gender reveal party. So the dad hit a ball with the pickleball racket paddle, whatever it is, and that revealed the baby's gender. So I know y'all hate gender reveals, but I know, Jennifer, you love pickleball. So I just really want to know y'all's thoughts on this situation. Love y'all.

Love listening to y'all. I've got all my friends listening to y'all. And yeah, I would just love to know what you think. Hannah, what I would call what you just proposed to me, which is a gender reveal pickleball party. I would call this hijacking of an innocent sport. Yeah.

By a bunch of grandstanders that are bragging about having a child, about reproducing, which every species does. Every species reproduces. This is hijacking. This is holding an innocent sport captive.

This is abusive. This is non, you know, I don't think it's really consenting. I don't think you should have powder coming out of a pickleball. That's what I wondered. Like, how's the court going to look after that powder? It's selfish. It's just another example of how selfish these gender reveal parties are. And I...

have had it with that. I mean, that very, that, that upsets me. I mean, that very much upsets me that somebody tried to bastardize pickleball with these goddamn gender reveal parties and marry these two things that should not be married, not be married. Those two should not be together. What if the only way you could play pickleball is if there was a gender reveal for a whole week, like you could play every single day, but you had to go to the gender reveal pickleball party.

or no pickleball for a week. I'd go to that fucking party with enthusiasm. I'd be like, what are you talking about? A podcast that trashes gender reveal? I love a gender reveal. No idea what you're talking about. I mean, God, I think this is the best idea ever. Next, I think we should have a party about breathing oxygen. Right. And I'll start hosting it. Yeah. I'll start hosting it. You know, humans breathe oxygen party. Absolutely. Yeah. And I love her accent.

Oh, I love a good Southern accent. I do, too. OK, up next, we've got Cody S. Hey, y'all. So I was I was being a bad girl and I was I was scrolling on Facebook while driving in traffic. But you know what I've had it with is these women with babies that have to take a picture of their child on some dumb blanket and.

Every single month. I'm like, what is this? A survival chart? Like, oh, Brayson Brayson Paisley Poo made it to two months, then to six months. And I'm just like, when did this become a thing? My mom could care less that I made it to the next month. She was just waiting for me to get to kindergarten so that she could carry on with her life. I've had it with all the baby foolery. Lord Jesus. Ha ha ha!

Oh my gosh, he's fantastic. I've seen this. I have too. These are the people that throw gender reveal parties that now are chronicling first month with a photo on the blanket and then it's the second month, the third month, and it goes on and on. And I mean...

I, number one, when our kids were little, I was a terrible documentarian. I was a horrible historian. Like, I don't think I have one picture of Luke Olson before the iPhone camera. It was so like, I was so in the trenches. And then I didn't really remember, like somebody would say, how old's your baby? And I would have to think about it and think, oh, they're three months old actually today. Right. But it wasn't something I consciously did. So let's, let's unpackage this. Okay. Okay.

It's now starting with the gender reveal. Right. And then we have a baby shower and or sprinkle. Right. A couple. A couple. And then we have the sip and see.

And then these girls are getting blowouts and a full face of makeup for the post delivery photograph. I look like hammered dog shit after I gave birth to my kids. Last thing I was thinking about was putting on makeup. Right. And those are trotted out. And then now we're celebrating month and documenting and posting it on the World Wide Web every month.

I just think it goes back to if you want to take that picture for your own personal photo album, swing for the fences. I think it's a great idea for you to have. I'm sure your kid will appreciate it. Spare the rest of the world because nobody gives a shit about your baby being two months or three months, but you. Can you imagine like as bad as the helicopter mom shit is right now? And my youngest child is a sophomore in high school.

So these people that have infants right now that are doing this. Oh my gosh. Imagine what's going to be going on at these schools with this breed of power moms, which blows us out of the water. Right. I mean, it is going to be, I mean, God, those, I mean, I feel bad for teachers, those school boards, those, it's very difficult to deal with parents and,

It's the worst part of being a teacher or pediatrician. Anything that you have to deal with somebody's kids, the parents are the worst part because they think their kid's the smartest, the funniest, the cutest, the most put upon. Why didn't you play little Johnny more at soccer? He's three. And even though he came out and sat on my lap for half the time, he should have started. Like stupid shit. Yeah. No, I agree with him. It goes back to this

I think what we're identifying here is they're yak mous in real life and then there's yak mouthing on social media. Well, I think it all goes back to the one-upsmanship from social media. Like if one of your friends in your friend group does it, then everybody has to do it. I think it's yak mouthing on social media. Well, that's a lot of things. If you're posting all of that about your baby all the time, I mean, that's like a family group text.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. At best. At best. At best. Yeah. I mean, and when I go back to like my mom's house, there's not a whole lot of pictures of me when I was little. I don't think my mom has five pictures of me, period. To be as fucked up as pumps in me, don't photograph your kids. That's the secret sauce. And then your kids can grow up and have a podcast wherein all they do is just high quality shit talk. Yes.

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That's athleticgreens.com slash had it. You got to check this stuff out, listener. Okay, up next is Emily B. So I'm just sitting here at my desk at work, which is really where all of the things that I've had it with come to light. But something that I've had it with is this whole notion of I want to be invited to everything, but I'm not going to show up.

That is the most selfish bullshit I've ever heard in my life. And the thing is, if I keep inviting you to shit and you don't show up, I'm simply just going to stop inviting you. I see it all the time. Oh, I want to be invited, but I'm never going to come. Well, then I'm never inviting you, bitch. Emily, so I would say with Emily about this is,

Most of the time, 99% of the time, I don't even want to be invited and I'm not going to come. Right. My feelings are not hurt. If it's a good friend of mine, I want to be the rejector. Right. I don't want to be, I don't want to get the non-invite from a really good friend.

But the majority of the time, I'm happy to not be invited to stuff. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm totally happy not to be invited to stuff. I think she sounds younger. So she's probably in that age where you're having get togethers and doing dinner club and bunco and all that crap you do when you're young before you have kids and you have a life.

And it sounds like somebody's like constantly going, well, are you going to invite me? Are you going to invite me? Which first of all, I hate the person that assumes that they have to be invited. Like you don't have to be invited. I told my kids that from the jump. I did too. You're not going to be invited to everybody's birthday party. Right. You know, if so-and-so had a party and you didn't get invited, you'll get invited next time. Like not everybody has to be invited to everything. Right. But

But this person in particular that she's talking about sounds like they want to be invited so they can big time you just so they can say, oh, well, I were invited. So I just think not only do you not invite her to your parties, you just say, we're not friends anymore. Don't talk to me. I'm out. You would just say it's over. It's over. This friendship is over. You're too high maintenance. Oh.

High maintenance. The whole getting invited, not getting invited to stuff. People get so butthurt over it. For the most part, I just don't give a shit. I just don't give a shit.

I'm relieved when I don't have to go to stuff. Sometimes being invited to stuff is a burden. Yeah. There are certain invitations that you receive where there is a relationship in place that is such that you cannot reject it, but you want to reject it. Right. But you cannot because it would put that relationship in a precarious position. And so, I mean, all in all,

You know, not everybody gets invited to everything. Right. And it's not a big deal. Who's next? Up next, we've got Becca P. Girls, this is my second memo to you. And I'm sorry, not sorry, but I mean, there's a lot of motherfuckers out there. You know, this one is for people that post selfies of themselves with random inspirational quotes to justify the fact that they're posting yet another selfie of themselves.

Just post the picture of yourself, you fucking narcissist, and just say, hey, here's another picture of me again. Have a nice day. We don't need to hear from Denzel Washington, the Dalai Lama, none of that. All right? We're good. Just post your damn selfie. I've had it. Plus, P.S., I just left Target and had to wait on some motherfucker to ass in nose front into a parking spot.

But you know what? It made me laugh this time. And I appreciate the fact that you changed my heart about that. Thank you, girls. Love the podcast. Oh, my gosh. I love her. I wish she would do it every week. Absolutely love it. Okay. One thousand percent. So they're posting a selfie. But look, I'm quoting the Dalai Lama because I'm so spiritual. And oops, look how hot I look in this photo. Fuck off.

I mean, fuck off. Like if you're going to post a picture of yourself, post it. Right. I don't have a problem with that. Fucking post it. What the caller is getting in at is that they're trying to disguise it. With like inspirational stuff. Like they're helping their followers with this sage advice. When really it's just a great picture of themselves. Exactly. But here's something that cracks me up about social media.

is when you see somebody who like their avatar is about 20 years old. And they're my age? Well, they're 20 years older than what their avatar is. It doesn't matter what age they are. I'm just saying that, you know, you've got somebody whose avatar is always when they were in their prime. It is false advertisement where maybe they're 50 and they're posting a photograph of themselves as their profile picture.

when they were 30. yeah no well i think that's false advertising ted cruz is the worst remember we looked at this one day yes it's like honey that was 30 pounds and 30 years ago yes i mean false advertising he is the worst okay up next we've got phoenix jay hi ladies obsessed with your podcast by the way and this is a hello from james in bristol england i've absolutely had it with email formalities

Hope you're well. No, you don't. It's 8 a.m. on a Monday. I don't even care if I'm well. I don't care if you're well. Just get to the fucking point. Hope you're well. Kind regards. How was your weekend? No. Unnecessary interactions. I've had it. I mean, he loved the accent. Love. We have a man from England. Yeah. I mean, I could just do a cartwheel. I'm so excited. Yeah.

No, but he's right. He's 100% right. It is. I hope this email finds you well. And it's all of this. There is a lot of unnecessary yak mouthing and emails. See, I think that's one thing about being a lawyer. There's not a whole lot of just like, it's just like, I looked over this. There's not a whole lot of pleasantries exchanged through email, where I find that that

bugs the shit out of me is when somebody I haven't talked to in five years, but they need something they know I have. And they text me, well, how are you? How are the kids? Hey, can I borrow this or that? I'm like, just text me and say, hey, can I borrow your deal? Like we don't have to go through the formalities of chit chat and small talk. Let's just get right to it. I'm texting you because I need to borrow your

jumper cables or whatever it is we don't have to well so how are the kids no I don't care you can have the jumper cables if I don't have to chit chat about because then what happens is I just answer like yes I'll put them on my front porch and then I have to go backtrack and think and ask about their kids and all that and then I'm just like fuck why didn't they just ask for what they wanted

Yeah, no, it's there is a lot of unnecessary interactions with people. And it's just beating around the bush. Right. And it's also like the reason texting is so preferable to telephone calls is because you do have to do the small talk chit chat when you call. But when you text, you can just go straight to that.

the point. Right. Some people don't do that. I receive as for what I do for a living, if somebody has like a question, I get a lot of people that because I'm an interior designer that think that they can reach out to me about a paint color, about a sofa, people that I don't know will message me stuff on Instagram. Like, here's what my living room looks like right now. And I want this to happen. And I'm just like, I don't

fucking do this shit for free. I don't, I don't like go. If my friend owns a restaurant, bogey owns a restaurant. When I go there, I pay for my food. Right. I don't just expect that I'm going to get it done for free. You probably get this with law. Yeah. People think they can just, although you did represent me for free. Right. Well, in my divorce, but, um, I, it's just, there's so much unnecessary posturing that

Before they ask for the free advice or before they ask for the favor. And it would, I would respect the person so much more if they didn't posture so much and beat around the bush so much. Agreed. Just get straight to it. It makes it easier. Everybody knows what we're talking about.

We don't have to like, why is she texting me? There was a meme recently on, I don't know if y'all saw this, where it's like about email formalities, but they changed the closing where instead of just, instead of sincerely or yours truly, it says like hanging on by a thread. Yeah.

So that's an email I would enjoy. Yeah. So maybe, maybe we could twist it up a little bit. Like, you know, dear pumps, I hope your Monday is as shitty as mine is. Here's what I need from you. Yes. See, I like that. Yeah, I agree. Okay. Thank you, listener.

For your amazing, great voice memos. They really are such a highlight. Please DM us some more to our Instagram account and Kylie will sift through those to see if you can get picked. Let us know what you've had it with. Get crazy with it. Get crazy with it. Join us on Patreon, TikTok, Instagram, Instagram.

Twitter, and we will see you next Thursday or Tuesday. It's Tuesday. Or both. This is a Thursday. Right. So the next time we'll see them will be Thursday. Okay. See you next Tuesday. So we will see you next Tuesday, listener. Thank you.

I'm John Glover. Emmy Award winning researcher John Glover and I'm Marissa Pinson. Critically unacclaimed TV writer Marissa Pinson. And we're the hosts of the new podcast On Brand with John and Marissa. Join us every week for an exploration of the world's most interesting and iconic brands like Walmart. Do they still have

the old people who say welcome to Walmart. No, they got rid of them. So you just want more old people in the store? I want every staff member to be over 90. And Heinz. Heinz. Heinz. I say Heinz like I'm a German dictator. And while you learn about these legendary brands, you'll also learn a bit about us. Hey John, do you still sleep in shoes?

There's probably, I would say probably three times a year I fall asleep in shoes. You told me the thing that you should never look under a Costco chicken. Well, I don't think you should ever look under a chicken. So tune in every Wednesday for a brand new episode of On Brand with John and Marissa. Available May 24th wherever you get your podcasts. See you there.