Bert Kreischer: Living in the Weeds
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Hey, everybody. Welcome to Literally. It is your humble host, Rob Lowe. So in 1997, Rolling Stone does an article about the biggest party school in the world and picks one guy in particular as the biggest partier at the partiest school in the world, and that launches Bert Kreischer. From those humble beginnings, this guy has accomplished so much in comedy, but is literally

playing the Greek theater in Los Angeles and baseball stadiums and arenas. And if that isn't the magic of show business, I don't know what else is. Let's get into it with Bert Kreischer. ♪

I never thought in a million years that I'd be talking to you. Do you remember the first time you told the machine story? Was it one of those things where you're like drinking beers with the dudes and you're like told the story and everybody laughed and you went, hey, maybe there's something there. No, no. So this will get into the weeds. But so when I went to Russia. No, weeds. We live in the weeds.

We live in literally in the weeds. This is where we live. Um, when I, when I was in Russia, I then backpacked through Europe and, uh,

And my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend while I was there. So when I came home, that was my reality. I didn't tell anyone the machine story. I kind of, it was like, I didn't tell any stories about how was your trip. Cause I was like, I was literally the town cuck. So everyone knew they'd been hooking up all summer and everyone knew it. And so that was what I talked about. That's all I ever talked about was getting cheated on.

I was doing Loveline with Dr. Drew, random, and someone from my class called in and said, why don't you tell Drew about the time you robbed your class in Russia? And I went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Drew's like, wait, what? And I said, when I was...

At 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia. He's like, what? And I told the story for the very first time on Loveline. The very first time ever. And then he made me come back the next night and tell it again. He was like, tell it again. And the next night, it got better. It was better because that's how a story works. You remember things a little better. You know that you can lead in with certain things. And then I told it two more times. One on Elliot in the Morning. One on my buddy Cowhead's show.

And then on Rogan. And I knew, I knew I could tell it, but it was like, I didn't know if it was going to be, I, I just, it was like a story I'd tell friends. Um,

But after I told on Rogan, then Joe was like, you need to tell this on stage. And I was like, oh, it's not a stage story. And he was like, no, no. And he said on his show, which was at the time becoming wildly popular. I don't think any of us knew it, but he's like, from now on, this man is only to be known as a machine and you need to yell out the machine when he's on stage and force him to tell this story. And that weekend I was in Columbus, Ohio and they were yelling the machine through my whole show. And I was like, guys, I'm not telling it. And this dude in the front row goes, Bert,

You have to tell it. This is your story. Don't worry. We'll fake laugh, but you have to tell it so it'll get good. And so I told that story for about, honestly, probably a year before it got remotely good and four years before it got like, like real good. And then,

And then, uh, and then, cause I didn't have an ending to the story. The story didn't have an end that cause I thought the end was tonight. She party with us. I thought that when it just didn't never delivered the pop that I, that I wanted it to. And then one night in Columbus, Ohio, randomness random. I was back in Columbus, Ohio, and I was telling the story and there was one part where he spits vodka in her eyes and shuts the door.

And I was like, you know, he should say something there. And they had this thing they would say all the time. All the time was, this is Russia. This isn't America. This is Russia.

and he was like, fuck that bitch, this is Russia. And then I was like, oh, I have an end to the story. I have an end to the story. The cop, the cop, when he goes, tonight you party with us, I just go, I'm not in trouble. And he leans in close so I could smell his morning cigarette, and he goes, no, fuck that bitch, this is Russia. Like, and I was like, and then the story had an end. They clapped, and it was good. And I was like, now I can, and then I recorded it for my Showtime special. And then, and then, by the way, we want to get really into the weeds, did not misread my contract, posted, posted,

that was allowed to post four clips. I posted like 35 minutes of this hour special 45 minutes of this hour special on Facebook. And the machine was one of the clips and I went viral. Wow. So a nice mistake worked out in your favor. Oh, it was, it was all, I mean, I remember the day it was crazy the day it went viral. Uh,

I remember my wife was like, I think your story's going viral. And I was like, no, I was, cause I always, I always say, should I know how to work the internet? And yeah,

And I looked at it and I was like, no, that's gotta be wrong. It says, I think the very first time I looked at it, it said like 700,000 views. And I was like, no, that's can't be right. I've never gotten that many views. And then I refreshed the page and it was at a million and I went, hold on, hold on, hold on. And then that night I got in bed with Leanna. She was like, no, for real, it's going viral. And she showed me the video and it was 3 million. And it was just, it was like, anytime you refreshed it, you get another, another 500,000, another 700,000. And

And, uh, and right now it's, I think on all platforms, it's at 88 million. In the terms of great stories, what else even comes close? Can you think of any, anybody who has, I mean, everybody goes, have you ever heard Robin Williams talk about golf? That's one people like to talk about. I mean,

I mean, there are people's bits that are just classic like that. I'm trying to think of what you have favorites. Ron White's Tater Salad story is one of my favorite stories ever. Ron White changed the way I did stand up in a lot of ways because my wife's a redneck. So we went and saw the Blue Collar Comedy Tour in theaters. We saw it in theaters. And when he told that story, I was like, that's the perfect, that is the perfect story. Jay Larson has an amazing,

amazing story about getting called into a wrong number. There's some really great stories. I get to hear a lot of them. But Ron White changed the way I did because I heard that story and I was like, that was more my natural. When I first started in stand-up, I was more like, I talked about going to Disneyland on acid and getting into a fight at a school and like,

I was more of a storyteller when I saw that. I said, yeah, I think I should lean into the stories. And I did. But the one thing that changed the most, and this is the weirdest part, is I watched Ron perform. And I was like, oh, I hope he tells Tater Salad. And he didn't. And I remember the feeling as a fan going like, God, it's my favorite story. I wish he would have told it. And I was a comedian, too, so I had the opportunity to talk to him. And I said, you're hilarious. I wish you had told Tater Salad. And he goes, I don't tell it anymore. And I said, why not? And he goes, I don't want to. And I was like,

I was like, wow. And as a fan, I was like, that really bums me out. Like I would definitely pay for like 20 tickets so that my family could hear that story. Cause my, I'd love to show that story to my family. It's one of the best stories ever. And then as a comic, I went, when I went to retire the machine story, people said to me in the audience, uh, that's the only reason we're here. I brought 20 people to hear that story. And I was like, okay, so I'll do it for this run.

and then I'll retire it. But then the venues just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then it was clubs and it was rock venues. Then it was theaters and now it's arenas. And so I keep figuring as long as this builds and it gets bigger, I'll just keep telling because I don't want to, you know,

I've had comics tell me to stop telling it. Like comics, like friends going, man, you should retire it. And then they go and they do like a baseball. We do baseball parks over the summer. There's a tour called Fully Loaded. And one of my, and the best comics in the country do it with me. And every single one of them go. The pop when you say, when I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian Mafia. Like, dude, you can't stop telling my story. You just got to keep telling it until...

And I'll tell it until the day I die. I'll be a shirtless at 75 taking, just going to what I was trying to do. It's the same for bands. Yeah. Like I'm sure they get tired. They think about retiring the hit, the big hit. You know what I mean? And you see bands like that where you're like,

I'm just making this up because I've never seen them, but Led Zeppelin, they're not going to play Stairway to Heaven? I saw Steely Dan at the Hollywood Bowl. By the way, huge Steely Dan fan. Same. Huge. Huge. Huge. Yeah, huge. Me too, man. He played like four songs you knew and the rest were all new stuff. And I was like, okay, okay.

And then, I don't know, I know you're sober, but like sometimes when you get high, you're like, come on, man, just, just take me there. Like, get me there. Like, I want to, I want to feel that moment where I look up to the sky and I go, this is everything that everyone ever promised me and everyone's singing. And he didn't, he didn't. And it was adversely, we went and saw Jimmy Buffett the night after I did Red Rocks. Jimmy Buffett was at Red Rocks.

And my wife is not a Jimmy Buffett fan. I'm a big Jimmy Buffett fan. I grew up in Florida. And my wife said, do you think he'll play Margaritaville? And I went, oh, you've never been to a Jimmy Buffett concert. I go, baby, he's playing it twice.

Jimmy knows what's what. Yeah, and I had a conversation with Chris Porter, a fantastic comedian, a fantastic comedian. We were getting high in a bathroom in Omaha in his hotel room, and he's like, so you still tell the machine store? I said, Chris, man, you'd be shocked how many people don't know who we are. Like, you'd be shocked how many strangers show up in these clubs. And I go, tomorrow night,

Do me a favor. Say I'm in the back of the room and that I've asked you to tell two of your best, your Taco Bell bit and this bit. And he was like, okay. And he did it. And he was like, oh man, it murdered. It destroyed. And he was doing it during the check spot. But yeah, it's like, if you go see a band, I want to see the hits, you know? But now granted that like someone like Bill Burr or Rogan or Jim Jeffries or like some of my best friends, Segura, I always, I want to see what they're working on.

You know, because I like to see where their brain is and what they're working on. But, you know, if you take me to see Ron White, I want to see Tater Salad, you know? Yeah. By the way, have you, as a Steely Dan fan, have you seen the Making of Asia, that documentary yet? No. Oh, I'm about to change your life. For real? Yeah. So you can find it on YouTube. Oh my God. They must have done it. It feels like they did it in the mid-90s, but it's Fagan and Becker together. Yeah.

And it's a series of making albums. So there's the making of rumors. There's the making of Asia. There's the making of, I don't know, whatever. Oh my God. Yeah. I see it. Do you see it? I got a part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six. It is. First of all, there's this great moment where my favorite moment is there. They're listening to, um, black cow. Oh my God. And, um,

And he's like, and it's like, and the corner of my eye, I saw you at Ruby's. You were very high. You were high. And Fane's like, you were high. You were very high. Like he's commenting along with it and being so funny. Yeah. And then they did this whole bit with Michael McDonald where they isolate on Peg. They isolate his vocals. Oh.

And it's so insane. I love that you're doing this because this is something I hang my hat on. People, you don't know how much of a fan I am of yours. When good things happen to you, I get excited. That sounds crazy. When you were on Rogan, I got excited because I've been a Rob Lowe fan since day one. No way. I saw fucking Youngbloods. Come on. Dude, to this day, you're not going to remember this moment in your life

To this day, when I get the girls and we go to school, back in the day, my phrase was the same phrase you said after you got in the fight in St. Elmo's Fire and you grabbed the sacks and you looked in your blood off your lip and you look at the group and you go, let's rock. I say that to the girls all the time. Let's rock. I love it. It's just such a great...

And so I'm a fan. So when, like when you did, you did, what was the show you did with Fred Savage? Oh, The Grinder. My buddy Jared wrote that. That was his show. But when I saw you on it and I watched you kill it, or when I saw you in Tommy Boy, like as a fan, I feel like I won because my guy is doing great things. And so I apply that. I apply that to my career and the way I look at things. I love being a fan of shit. I love it.

being into shit like uh like uh jeff tweedy i'm a big fan of wilco and uh nicky glazer goes says to me have you ever have you ever heard his living room albums and i'm like what she goes oh oh back in the day for 25 grand his wife had him do living room shows and she'd donate the money to charity and it's all acoustic and it's him messing up and him like starting a song and then forgetting the lyric but it's it's just recorded in living rooms and i

The second you show a fan something cool, it's the funnest thing. It's the thing I have against bullying. My daughter, Isla, was into anime. And she shared that with her friends. And they made fun of her. And you watched her get small. And you go, oh, that's... It broke my heart. Because...

When you share stuff, like when you share like, hey, I'm a big fan of this. I hope you like it. When you share that, you're really sharing who you are with people. And when you connect with someone, when you're a fan of someone together, like we both like Steely Dan, that energy back and forth is the coolest thing ever. And you allow people to do that. You give that off. But that's the coolest thing about entertainment business is you

Is being able to share that with people, like whether it's movies or music or comedy, but also it happens to us. Like I got kids that are, I had one kid tell me one time, I don't, I don't follow sports. I've never been to sports. Comedy is my thing and podcasts. And you're my guy. And every time you succeed, I feel like I picked the right guy.

And I was like, and it makes total sense. And I feel that way about you. It's really cool. Like, I got really excited when you did Rogue, and I was really fucking excited. Because I was like, yes. I'm like, for many reasons. I'm like, obviously, I'm really good friends with Joe. But I'm like, oh, this is fucking awesome. I was like, in my head, I'm like, Roblo gets it. Like, he gets it. Like, he's doing, like, he gets it. Like, oh. ♪♪

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Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. I mean, you're, I literally, I was talking to my wife and I was talking to her this morning and she goes, she goes, Rob fucking Lowe? I go, yeah. And she goes, if anyone can get you to be sober, it's him.

I was going to say, well, I was going to throw down the gauntlet to say, you have this entire podcast to convince me to give up my soul. No, no, no, no. This is your time. You have the floor. I'm open. I'm open to everything. It's one day at a time. This might be the day. Today might be the day. You might be the guy. Me, you, and Ben Affleck.

oh he's ben ben it stinks because the idea of like uh of like when when you know celebrity parties and then they get their shit together and then they're just killing it but i always go the idea of them partying is way sexier than the way they actually partied like like i always think like

it would be fun to fall off the wagon have have like have a moment but i've seen dudes fall off the wagon that that really had problems and it never is as sexy as you want it to be no i mean look it's all everybody wants to think about how it'd be so hot to be in the south of france and in the 60s and the stones and they're recording in a chateau and you're tying off with keith and

And, and, you know, but then you don't want to think about, you know, he's shitting the bed in the morning. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He's got blood coming out of his nose. Yeah. You don't, you don't ever think of that stuff. Do you ever, do you ever, do you ever miss having a drink? I, no. I think for the first time,

Maybe the first year, year and a half, I did from time to time. And then wine culture started. Oh, yeah. Two things I've missed a lot. I missed a lot, and I'm a little—I missed fancy Cuervo. By the way, why do you think I only drank Cuervo Gold? I'll bet you you can do the math considering we're both Steely Dan fans. Of course, Steely Dan, yeah. That's why. Oh, really? That's why Cuervo Gold was because Steely Dan told me to do it.

You know, that lyric in, what is it? The Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian. Yeah. Make tonight a wonderful thing. Never was a pot guy. Oh. Never was a pot guy. I was never a pot guy. But as I've gotten older, like...

I'll take like edibles at the end of the day to like go to sleep. Oh, that's the other thing. Edibles. I mean, you know, I might get the odd pot brownie made by Emilio Estevez, who is really...

I mean, he was like fucking Julia Childs with his pot babies. And then I could kind of enjoy it a little bit, but I'm feeling like if it had come in a gummy bear, I might have had a whole other...

whole other, you know, vibe going for me. We, I've, I found these really great edibles that are, uh, there's, they got CBD in them and they're very chill and they, and they're, they let you sleep. My recovery on my whoop was like in the nineties. And so, and, and I was, and I had the perfect mix. I had, uh, um,

Blanco tequila and a gummy. And I was, I was like, the only problem is I was eating like crazy. Every time I ate, I was like, this is the best I've ever had in my life. Yeah. The eating thing. That's leading man has to watch that. I have a, I have a, I have a, I have a, um, I have a viral clip about me saying I'll never quit drinking. Um,

And it just was, I didn't even mean for it. It was like my love letter to alcohol. But for me, my thing really is treats. I'm really obsessed with treats. I need a reward in order to work because I work pretty hard. But if I don't have a treat coming to the end of the day, I almost don't have anything to look forward to and I get bummed. Yeah, me too. I just replaced it. Now it's a cigar or...

I'm a big cigar guy. What do you smoke? I just had a mini Churchill. It was, I'm trying to think of who made it. I think it was Romeo and Julieta mini Churchill. I'm a big Tatuaje guy. I love Tatuaje. The Cojones they have is one of my favorite smokes. I got a bunch of Rocky Patels given to me by an arena. Every year I do, I celebrate Winston Churchill Day by living the way he lived.

So I get up at 7 in the morning and I have a soft scotch with eggs, bacon, ham, tomato. I eat it in my bed, soft scotch and a cigar in bed. And I read the paper and take meetings for about three hours. And then I have champagne at lunch and then cognac at night. And I just live the way he lived. And it's really fun. It's January 24th. I do it every year. This year I did it in Amsterdam. I was in Amsterdam yesterday.

at the Grand Hotel. And they came in. I had a butler and he came in and he served me breakfast in bed. And it's fucking awesome. Okay, here's what you have to figure out a way to do. You have to be playing somewhere near London and you need to go to Blenheim Palace. That's where Churchill was born. And Blenheim Palace, if you go there, you'll recognize it. It's been in a ton of movies. It's sort of considered the most beautiful place

um, palace in, in the world. And it's still in the same family. And I've been there a number of times for, um, um, bird shoots. And, uh, you can see where Churchill, like literally like the room he was born in and do all that. If you could figure out a way to celebrate Churchill day at Blenheim palace, that would be great. That,

would be super sick that would be awesome that would be i like eventizing life i like having things to look forward to like i love i'm sure that there's a therapist that could probably break down very easily whittle down what my problem is but but uh but i love like um like i love like when you go oh we're all going to hawaii at the end of the month and then you get this thing that you're looking forward to and you can talk about it i love that about everything and so uh

Because you work hard and you travel hard. I mean, I get it. There's nothing more brutal than being on the road. There's been a thousand songs written about it. And then you're out on the stage for that

moment in time and it's great. I started doing my own show about four or five years ago. I would love to do a Q&A with you. That would be fun. Done. My team needs to make a note of this. We're going to do a Q&A. You guys listening in there? You're paying attention, right? I'm in the professional studio today so I can actually see them while I talk to you. It looks like they're playing Tetris or Nintendo or something. It doesn't look like they're

Paying a ton of attention, but they say they are. Has Charlie Sheen tried to sue you over a copyright infringement on calling yourself the machine? No, he has not. Well, he should. Because he was the machine. Was he? He was the machine. Yeah, machine. Oh, yeah. He was. Oh, bro. That was machine. That was his thing. Really? And I was like, how has Charlie not reached out and gone, dude, dude, come on. Ha, ha.

There was, uh, there was, well, there's a bunch of machines. Albert Pujols is the machine. Uh, the, the boxer, uh, who was the boxer? My wife is my one, the one guy. My wife is, she's in love with, well, she's in love with the weirdest people. Uh, the boxer was the machine. He was, uh, he was like 49 years old when he won the title. He had been to prison. Bernard Hopkins, Bernard Hopkins was the machine. He's copywritten it. He has the copyright to it. And then, uh,

Yeah, my wife's two cheats are Bernard Hopkins and Dwight Yoakam. Dwight Yoakam with or without a hat? Either or. She doesn't care. She thinks he's gorgeous. She thinks he's the coolest guy.

His performance in Sling Blade is one of my favorite performances an actor has ever given. If you haven't seen Sling Blade, I just assume everybody's seen Sling Blade because Billy Bob Thornton won the Oscar for it. And it's one of the great performances of all time. But Yoakum's work in that is beyond amazing. Yeah, I was trying to get him to play at our house for her 52nd birthday. For her birthday. She celebrated her 50th during COVID. So I was going to blow up.

but his price point was, uh, pretty hefty too much. Like it's so funny. I had the same when I, I had the same trying to figure out some for my wife's birthday. And I was like, people charge a lot of money. I'm glad. Good. They should. But you're like, you start going down that list and then you realize why you see the same people at every charity thing. Cause they're like the ones that are,

I wouldn't even do it. I wouldn't do it. I would like to, if I was going to do anything, I'd like to, uh, attend dudes bachelor parties. Like that would be fun. Like, like you can hire me to come to your bachelor party and I can just, I'll just be there and just hang out with you guys and party with you guys and make it fun. That's a good one. I bet you could see a lot of stuff. Uh, yeah, I went to Mark Norman is a comedian. Very funny. Uh,

I went to his bachelor party, and I was the only one that was really rich. And so I was like, fuck it. Let's get a boat. Let's go to two boats. We're going to go fishing. We're going to strip clubs. We're getting a car service. We're going to get... I just was like, throw money at it. So we had a blast. Throwing money at it is usually...

A good thing to do. You know... Particularly when it comes to bachelor parties. You get what you pay for. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know these days with Coke, they give you a... I didn't do Coke. My cardiologist would kill me. But we did get Coke at his bachelor party. And they give you a tester for fentanyl. No. Yeah. Well, it makes sense. I was like... See, that's the part I don't miss, obviously. Is like that you just don't know what you're getting today. I mean...

You know, I, listen, I, I hit it at the right time when I, when I was running wild, uh,

I, that's the other part is I don't regret it because I feel like I, I, I, I left nothing on the table. You did it. It's like, I left it all. I left it all out. Your partying is like how I feel about college. Like when I left college, I was like seven years. I'm good. Like I did it. I did everything I wanted to do. Rolling stone magazine wrote an article about me calling the number one party animal in the country. I'm ready for the next phase of my life. There's no reason for you to go back. You had, you had,

You've had fame for so long, but your first splash of it was the funnest time to be in Hollywood. That was the funnest time to have ever existed in Hollywood. I feel bad for people getting famous, like kids getting famous now because they have to talk politics. They have to talk woke talking points. They have to, like, they got to be careful what they say. They have social media. They've got to represent themselves on social media. Like, you just got to run it at, like,

At the best fucking time. Yeah, I agree. I've thought about it a lot going, well, I mean, would it have been better to be, I don't know, Cary Grant in those days? No. Would it have been better to be Rudolph Valentino? No. Would it be better to be, you know, Leo now? No. That was it. A little like that late 70s into the 90s.

was the time. The 80s, basically. It was the 80s. Because you guys, there was a little bit of responsibility. Like, back in the day, they could have killed a woman and gotten away with it. Like, back in the 20s. But your group is like the funnest. And it was like, oh, it was the fucking best. I'm so glad you like those movies. I love that they still have a life. And a movie like Tommy Boy, which was not looked upon when we made it as...

Anything, really, is the one out of all of them that has become...

like a, it just occupies a place in people's hearts that I never ever would have guessed. Did you feel, did you feel like when you were younger that you were underrepresented in your talents? Cause you were sold to America as, as literally a heartthrob, but you, your comedic sensibility is so strong. I wonder like, I was, I always wondered that. Did you think when you were doing all these movies where it was like,

Rob, we just need to throw a little water on you and let's see your chest. And can you flip your hair back? And were you like, hey, I'm really fucking funny too, by the way. I mean, you know, and that's why I've always been so grateful to, it was really Lorne Michaels and Mike Myers who really,

acknowledged that when I hosted SNL the first time and they, and that's where all those movies came from. And I was so relieved and so happy because that's what I love. Like we were talking about the grinder. That was, that's the most fun I've ever had on a TV show. And I've been on a bunch of them and, um, I've got a new one. Um,

I got a new one on Netflix you're going to love called Unstable. Ted Sarandos, I'm going to do a name drop, who runs Netflix and knows every piece of film ever recorded by anybody. I mean it. He's encyclopedic in his knowledge. So he's seen everything anybody's done, which means he's seen everything I've done. And he's like, it's the funniest comedy part you've ever had. Am I ever? He goes, yes. And-

It may be because I co-created it with my son. It's my son and I, basically. And you're really going to like it because it's me back to doing just hard comedy. Oh. Hard, like a super hard comedy character. Oh, I can't wait. But I love it. I love that. And I love that it came, you know, in the mid part of my career because it gave me a whole, you know, new...

A new area to be excited about. How cool. You haven't even gotten to play an old man yet. You still have like all those years when you're in your seventies to play old men. Like how cool is it? You got to play all the actors.

Yes, that's exactly it. It's like you do your, I don't know, who would have been my young ingenue phase and then you get to do your leading man phase and then you get to do your old, because those old man parts, they're amazing. On Golden Pond. I think of on Golden Pond all the time. That movie was so big. It was like the one movie we owned on or didn't return on VHS. So we always had it. So I could watch on Golden Pond over and over and over again.

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You know, Jane Fonda made me an honorary Fonda. Really? I'm an, I'm an, I'm, I am both an honorary Fonda from Jane and Peter. Wow. So it wasn't just, I mean, Jane and Peter said, you are here. They, they, they didn't knight me. I don't have a thing on my lapel or anything, a metal, but I am an honorary Fonda and, um, an honorary Baldwin. Oh, wow. That would have been a fun family to grow up in. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine? Yeah. I, uh,

I can, but you can kind of see it, right? You can kind of see where I could be like the long lost Baldwin or the long lost Fonda. Oh yeah. Yeah. The one that, the one that, when, uh, when Billy brings his chick home for, when he brings his chick home for Thanksgiving, sits down and she sees you and she goes, oh, I didn't know this. This guy was a Baldwin too. Shit. Yeah.

This is Uncle Baldwin, Uncle Robbie Baldwin. When they wrote the Rolling Stone article on you, how did they approach you? You're like at a frat and they're like, hey, there's a Rolling Stone reporter here. This is in 1997. They write this article. How did you end up being the guy? They called. So this guy, Eric Heidegard, called me.

uh like the president of the school i think i know his name was fred maglione at the time and he said you know we're doing an article on florida state uh we we'd love a you know somebody show us around and uh kind of give us a tour someone who knows a wide group of people not just

uh, like his friends, like someone who knows a lot of people. And I, I grew up with Freddie Maglione and his sister Chrissy. And so he just said, well, I know a guy named Bert. He would be good. He'd I'll give you a few names. And so he called the next guy and the next guy happened to be another guy that I'd, I'd party with the night before. And he goes, Oh, Bert would be fun. And then he called the third guy by the fifth guy. They've all said my name. And, uh, and so he just goes to this guy, Eric, uh, Bogey said, can I get Bert's number?

And so we gave him my number and he called my blood. My roommate Blair answered. I was in the middle of a bong hit. We were going to play Frisbee golf. And, uh,

I took the phone. I said, hello. I hit the bong and I held it in until he finished his spiel. And he said, you know, can I stay with you for like a week in November? And I exhaled the bong hit. And I was like, sure. And he was like, did you just do a bong hit? I was like, yeah. And he goes, I think I found the right guy. And so he came and stayed with us for a week. He was originally going to write an article on Florida State and make it about the number one party school in the country.

And when he got back to New York and submitted his article, the editor of Rolling Stone, Jan, I guess his name. Jan Winter. I've had him on the show. You got to listen to my conversation with him. It was awesome. I would love to. Yeah. He said, let's just make it about this kid.

Let's just make it about this kid and we'll talk about the school, but really talk about this kid and his partying. Because I was with this guy for a week and so I have a fear of missing out. I talk a lot. I'm not going to let a conversation go dry. So I just talked to him and hung out with him and did everything with this guy for a week. And so he had a lot of stories about me and I'm a wild... I was not a wild guy, but I was...

I was a fun guy to be around. I've always been fun. I've always been fun. And so they just changed the article, made it about me. And then when it came out, I didn't even know it was about me. I read it. And the first sentence is, uh, it's taken Bert Kreischer six and a half years to become the man he is today. The number one partier at the number one party school in the country. I'm such a meathead, Rob. I started crying and I was like, they understand me.

But, uh, but yeah, you knew, you knew somehow you knew somehow without knowing it, that it would lead you to playing arenas. I did not, I did not, I did not know. I did not know that that was going to happen. I had a bunch of pivotal men in my life. Uh, my uncle, my dad and my, one of my best friends, dad's call me up and say,

If you're ever going to capitalize on something, now's when to capitalize on it. If you wanted to try stand-up, now's when you try it. If you want to get into the entertainment business, now's when you make that move. Move to New York and try your hand at stand-up. And I ought to be dead serious. No one was – I mean, Dice did an arena. That was it. Like, that was the only person ever do an arena. So, like, I don't think – I didn't even really know how comedy works. I knew you did it at comedy clubs, but I didn't know you'd leave New York. I didn't know – I mean, maybe you'd go to L.A., but I definitely didn't know about the road.

Uh, and I, I, I just was like, maybe you get a sitcom or something. I don't, I didn't know how standup worked. I just know, I knew that I love doing it and it came very natural to me. And so, uh, yeah, I just moved to New York. Has the business of comedy and standup changed much like the movie and TV business has? Cause you're right. I mean, back in the day it was, you know, you, you hope to get a shot on Carson, right? And then, uh,

That was like the biggest thing ever. And then you would do the road and then maybe if you were, maybe you would get a sitcom. Do people even want to do sitcoms anymore? Do stand-ups even think about that anymore? Uh, I'm, no. I mean, you do show, uh,

If you were passionate about doing a show and you wanted to do a show, but I mean, financially, it doesn't make sense to the vast majority. It doesn't make sense. You make more money on the road. Oh, I mean, Rob. Yeah. They're not, they're not paying. They're not. Television is not paying a fraction of,

of what we make on the road i mean not even a fraction i'm and not just me i mean i'm probably one of the higher earners but like i'm talking just regular theaters i mean theaters theater comics weekend guys selling tickets in clubs over the weekend would lose money if they did a sitcom um so yeah it's it's changed the business is unrecognizable i i don't think

I mean, when I got into this, you were at the whim of everyone in Hollywood. Nowadays, I mean, I don't, I can do whatever I want. I mean, I got my podcast. I got my cooking show, two podcasts.

And my road work, and like I remember someone was like, hey, do you want to do this movie? And I was like, why? I'm going to be sitting in Atlanta for a month and then losing money? Like, no, I'd rather just do the road. And it's what I love doing. I mean, I absolutely love doing podcasts. I mean, so much of this business has changed. Like, I remember getting a publicist when I did my first podcast.

uh when i did secret time for netflix my first special i got a publicist and her first question was can you get on rogan and i was like i hired you for you to tell me can i go yeah so i just called joe i'm like hey man can i come on promote my special and he's like yeah of course i mean i mean rob things have changed so drastically when i did my movie uh you know

The machine, it's coming out Memorial Day weekend. It didn't have a distributor. It was sitting on a shelf. People were afraid to touch it because, yeah, they're afraid to touch it because it had to do with Russia. And so I was like, and I was like, and I was like, I know it's good. And I got the teaser and I got in trouble for it, but I got the teaser and I just went on Rogan and I just leaked it. And I was like, I don't, I was like, if I start this ball moving, then maybe it'll, it's better than it's just sitting there and no one ever seeing it.

And it got leaked and...

And then Sony was like, Hey, let's do this. Let's do it. And then, and, and so now we, we got Sony's distributing the movie. And, and by the way, they've been the coolest partners ever because they understand my energy. So like we get the actual trailer and I go, Hey, can I, can I play it in Tampa? And they're like, no. And I was like, are you sure? And they're like, yeah. I was like, what would happen if I play it in Tampa at my arena show for my parents? And they're like, just please don't. And I go, but am I going to get in trouble? And they're like,

Can you just not tell us about it? I guess. It's amazing. And so I just leaked it again. I mean, like, but they've been the, I mean,

they've been the funnest partner Sony because they're doing, they're, they're like so collaborative and so fun. And they get that part of what's fun as a fan is to see people breaking the rules and doing things outside the box. And, you know, watching Rogan's career blow up the way it has. I just like, if I look at Joe and I go, I think I want to leak my teaser and he goes, do it. I go, I'm going to do it. And I mean that, that part of the business, I don't even, it's unrecognizable. It's so funny. I'm so bummed that I,

When I did, he came on my podcast and he was great, but I had done his first and we hit it off. We'd sort of seen each other around Hollywood here and there, but not really. But we, you know, you do that podcast, you really get to know him and I'm a fan of his and we're like, let's go shooting this weekend. So we went and did tactical shooting. And then I was like, I found a new best friend.

yes yeah taryn yeah and then and then he moved he literally moved like that week to austin i was like god damn it yeah yeah fuck joe god damn it i was like i got a guy those assholes i know damn but he loves austin he loves austin i'll tell you a good rogan is one of my favorite rogan stories ever so uh i had uh

I met Joe probably, I'm guessing maybe like 12 years ago. I'm guessing. I don't remember exactly. I had had a relationship. I'd had a friendship, couple of friendships go sour, like public publicly sour with comics. And so I just was like, I'm done with friends. I don't need friends. I got my wife. I got my kids. I got the tour. That's it. I'm good. I meet Rogan and, and, and Ari and Joey and, and a bunch of, a bunch of comics. I meet all these comedy store comics and,

And I'm just keeping them at arm's distance. I don't trust anyone and I don't care to deal with having a fallout with a dude. I'm like, I'm not going to have another fallout with another man. So I'm just being distant and they're trying to be friends with me and I'm just like, I'm being nice, but I'm like, I'm a whatever. So we're at the ice house one night. Joe comes up with two Heinekens and two shots of Jack Daniels. And he goes, hey man,

We were doing a podcast and then we were doing a show. I was about to go on stage and he goes, it was a fun podcast. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was great. And he goes, you're a good guy. I go, thanks, Joe. And he's like, you're a really good guy. And I'm trying to be your friend. And I went, okay.

And he goes, no, but you got to let me be your friend. Like, I'm not going to be a dick. I'm not going to fuck with your head. I just want to be your friend. He's like, we're all trying to be your friend and you're not letting us. So if you let us be your friend, we'll be your friends forever. And I think you just need to trust us. I was like, and I made like a conscious decision. I was like,

all right in my head i was like don't you fuck this up rogan like i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not so we take a shot he gives me a hug he goes i love you brother have a great set and i ever since that day he's been one of my closest friends i trust that dude i tell him everything him sagura joey like ari i mean no ari and i go go back and forth but but uh but yeah that it's he is that dude when he becomes friends with someone he's your friend he's like a ride or die for you

It's well, you know, guys, I, it's hard for dudes to open up to other guys. You know what I mean? I mean, it's super, super. And I think like you said, as we get older, like anything, we get more set in our ways and, and, and we go like you did the list. I've got this, I got that, I got that. I'm good. It's like, I'm taking my winnings and I'm leaving the casino. I'm cool. I don't, I don't need any more of it, but it's limiting at the end of the day.

If you don't remain open, then you don't have that new friend. Yeah, I screwed up a bunch of friendships in that I just didn't trust anyone. Like, Elliot Gould tried to become my friend, and I just was like, I was like, I remember being like, is he trying to fuck me? Like, why would he give me his number? It was just, like, so weird. And then we went to dinner, and as we got done dinner, it was like a great dinner, and he was like, I'll talk to you later. And I was like, never again. Not me. I don't trust you. Like, he didn't even try to kiss me. What's going on?

But like, I just, I never trusted anyone. I just didn't trust. I don't trust that Elliot Gould wants to be your friend. I'm just saying, just that in and of itself, I'm very on its face. Of all the people you could have said, you had to have workshopped that. You'd be like, I'm going to tell a story to Rob Lowe, who wants to be my friend that I don't trust. I think Elliot Gould would be a great name. That's a great, I want to almost do an Elliot Gould. Hello, Bert.

My granddaughter had a peach the other day. Interesting. Yes, it's something like this, isn't it? Yes, yes. He was playing a blind guy. Elliot Gould, for I think a four-year period, was the biggest movie star in the world. Oh, yeah.

You forget, but he was. Yeah. Oh, I, I, uh, we did a sitcom together and he was playing a blind guy and I was playing, uh, the, the dude's best friend. And, uh, we were, we were doing pickups at like two in the morning for the pilot. And there was one line we couldn't get the likability of the, the wife in. And there was just a line where they're like, they're like, she comes in and she goes, Hey, you guys are drinking beers. And then the idea was that I am friends with her. And so I go, yeah, you,

you want one? She's like, can I have one? And I go, of course. And so my thing was like, sure, sis, that was my line. Sure, sis, come on. You know, like it just wasn't landing. It just felt like it wasn't real. Elliot's now with a dog, like staring off because he's blind in this and he's just behind me the whole time. So we're doing it. The networks are there. The studio's there. Everyone's there and we're doing it. We're doing it 10 times. And Elliot Gould comes up to me and he goes, improv one.

And I went, what? And he goes, just say something. Give it an improv. Give them an improv. And I went, okay. So she comes in. She goes, can I have a beer? And I go, is a duck's ass watertight? Get in here. And it gets a big pop. Everyone laughs. And the showrunner comes up to me, gets in my face, goes, great one, great one. We're going to do it like it was on the page. Because right now, you're fucking me in the fucking ass at two in the morning. So do it the way I fucking wrote it. And he walks away. And Elliot Gould's behind me. And he goes, sorry. Sorry.

Wow. By the way, there's so much to unpack in that story. It's all super valuable. That's why it's hard to make comedies that work. You crush, but some writer's got a vested interest in his lame joke. Oh, yeah. And you die on the vine.

You die in the fine. This has been great, man. I'm psyched. This has been super, super, super fun, man. Dude, this is a highlight. You don't understand. I am such a fucking fan. I am such a fucking fan. This has been a real honor. So thank you very much, man. Awesome. Thanks, man. Bert, it's great getting to know you. We'll do more of it. I'll call you. Give me your number. We'll listen to some Steely Dan. That's a good dude. That is a good dude. And by the way,

I know he's a storyteller and a great raconteur. The fact of the matter is, I'm still not drinking tonight. He didn't move the needle for me. He did not meet the challenge. I'm sad to say. Joe Rogan can come up to him all he wants with his Heineken and his two shots. Ask for his friendship. I ain't drinking. Sorry. Anyway, you got questions? I got answers. Let's hit the lowdown line. Hello, you've reached literally in our lowdown line.

where you can get the lowdown on all things about me, Rob Lowe. 323-570-4551. So have at it. Here's the beep. ♪

Hi, Rob. This is Lila calling from Virginia. I just listened to the podcast with Penn Badgley, and I'm wondering how you like this podcast and what podcasts you recommend. What do you listen to when you're between things and in the car, listening on your earbuds? And even when you're with your family, what podcast do you all listen to?

And something your wife might recommend. Would love to hear what podcasts you guys are all listening to in the Lowe family. Thanks. Love the show. Keep it up. Bye.

Hey, thank you for the call. I am a big fan of Smartless with my buddies, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett and Sean Hayes. They're just super funny together. I mean, my favorite part of their show is just them. I'm not even so concerned with the guests. I think they're hilarious. And I'm a big fan of the comedy, obscure comedy.

comedy podcasts. But honestly, when I'm in the car, I'm sleeping. I mean, I choose sleep over any podcast. And then when I'm on the way home from work, I am returning phone calls and just doing business. But I'm going to turn the tables on you. I need you to call back the lowdown line and you tell me

what I should be listening to when I finally have a break and can really devote some time to it. Anyway, thanks for the call. I hope you guys had as much fun as I did. That was, that was super cool. Um, don't forget please to give us a nice review on Apple. That's always good for the old show. And also, um, send a link to, uh, go through the library, pick somebody interesting that we've talked to and send it to somebody who might've missed it. Um,

I'm running into people on the street going, oh, my friend sent me a link to your interview with so-and-so, and it's been really cool. So keep it up if you're so inclined. And join us next week, and there will be more fun and games here on Literally.

You've been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe, produced by me, Nick Liao, with help from associate producer Sarah Begar, research by Alyssa Graw. The podcast is executive produced by Rob Lowe for Low Profile, Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and myself at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Stitcher. Booking by Deirdre Dodd, music by Devin Bryant. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on Literally with Rob Lowe. This has been a Team Coco production.

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