Mel Robbins: Let Them
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Hey, everybody, it's me. Welcome to Literally Today. Mel Robbins is on the program. An amazing self-help. Sounds so generic. I hate to use it, but the help that she gives on her podcast, Mel Robbins podcast, is amazing. She's given one of the most viral TED Talks ever. She has a new book called The Let Them Theory.

about how we can navigate life in a way to have some peace and some sanity and to get out of the results of life and the fears of what if and what if and what if I don't and don't I have to and all that stuff. She's a brilliant communicator and we're going to have something actually actionable that we can use when we're done with this talk. How are you? How are you doing? Uh,

How am I today? By the way, that's a very hedged answer. What do you mean? We're starting out with, it's like usually it's just great and then it unravels. Oh no, I'm always unraveling. I love the, do you know that things where you go, how are you? And do it on a scale from one to 10, but you got to throw out the seven. Oh yes. Ooh, I love that. Right? Because everybody picks a seven because it's not, you don't have to commit.

There's a big difference between being a six and an eight. No shit. It's giving me the shivers just thinking about it. Well, I love it because it makes you choose whether you're tipping positive or you're tipping a little negative. And I started to notice my kids always would choose a seven. And then if I pulled the seven out, they typically go down to a six or they stop and consider and they go, oh, well, actually it's an eight. And I would say today,

Today, I'm like a nine or a 10, actually. Good. I feel I'm right there with you. I'm going with eight plus. Oh, I'll take it. Oh, all day long. All day long. Right? Especially at our age. Isn't it true? I mean, every day I wake up and I give thanks that I'm just...

Breathing. Yes. And happy. Yes. Gratitude, right? What do you think the most important in the menu that would contain gratitude, happiness, health? What's the most important? For me, it's gratitude. I think it is. I think it's responsibility. Oh, wow. Because if you look at the word responsibility...

It's just the ability to respond. And when you truly understand that you're responsible for your life and you're responsible for your mindset and you're responsible for your happiness and you accept that definition, that it is just the ability to respond to anything that's happening around you or to any mood that somebody might be in or any opinion that somebody might have, the simple fact is that through your response,

Response to something. There's only three things, Rob, in life that you can control. Only three. It's what you think. It's what you do or don't do in response to something. And it's whether or not you allow your emotions to rise and fall. That's it. That's all you have. And so when you talk about gratitude, you're talking about the impact of taking responsibility for your attitude about your life. Right.

And it works because gratitude is the intentional practice of pulling yourself into the moment and being grateful and savoring something that you would otherwise take for granted if you were

looking at what other people are doing or allowing outside circumstances to affect you. And so I do think that the single most important thing that we have in life is the ability to respond to what's happening around us. Well, this is this is

basically what the book is about, your new book. I mean, this is, I went without even trying to do a segue. See how good I am at this? I just laid it right out without even, like no ham-fisted segues around here. No, you didn't need a turning signal at all. No, no. I know that you wrote a whole book about it, so you can't distill it. I can distill it. Oh, good. Give me the let them theory. So the let them theory is a simple mindset tool.

that will immediately show you what's in your control and what's not in your control in any moment. And the way that you use it is very simple. Anytime that you feel yourself getting stressed out, annoyed, frustrated, or hurt, typically by another person, you're just going to say two words, let them. And you're going to notice something really weird but powerful happens. The moment you say let them,

You feel yourself detached and you'll feel this like release of the stress and annoyance and frustration and hurt. And it's this moment of peace and power where you release control because Rob, there's one thing in life that you will never be able to control. And that's what another human being thinks, says, does, or feels. That's, you just can't do it.

And it presents a problem for all of us because every single human being has a hardwired need to feel in control. It is wired into our nervous system and our brains. It's what makes us feel safe. If you feel like you're in control of your decisions, if you feel like you're in control of your future, if you feel like you're in control of what's happening at work or what's happening in your relationships, then you feel good, you feel safe. But the problem is,

When other people are doing something that worries you or that frustrates you, your need to control means you're naturally going to want to try to control them. And that's always going to backfire. And the reason why is everybody that is on this planet also needs to be in control. So if I try to control you, you are going to feel affronted because of your need to control yourself.

And what I realized in discovering the let them theory, and I discovered it in a really ironic way as I was micromanaging one of my three kids, is that I had been working against the fundamental wiring of human beings for 54 years of my life.

I was creating frustration and stress and distance. And I was causing pressure and expectations and all kinds of things to happen in my relationships that simply don't need to be there. There's a completely different way to live your life. And it begins by allowing other people to be exactly who they are.

Because when you allow people to be who they are and you stop trying to push them to be something that they're not, your relationships get better because the person actually feels, perhaps for the first time, that you see them and accept them for who they are, which creates the space for somebody to feel more connected to you and the space for somebody to take ownership over their life, the space for somebody if they're struggling, and it's very hard to do with kids, especially adult kids, to be able to be more connected to you.

the space to actually find the strength that they have to make decisions, to fall down, to pick themselves back up, knowing that you see it, that you believe in them, that you're there to support them, but you also know that they have the strength and the capacity to do it for themselves. That makes perfect sense, but then I'm going to be devil's advocate. I'm going to say what I know if I tried to say that to my...

My kids aren't 14 now, but if they were coming to me for advice and I hit them with that- Well, hopefully you don't hit them, but you know. Yeah, yeah. They would go, well, what if they, fill in the blank. Uh-huh. Well, give me one. Let them, yeah. Go ahead, give me one. But what if my suspicion that so-and-so is actually the not good person for me that I think they are,

What happens? What if I'm right? Meaning that you're in a situation where you're dating somebody or you're in a situation. Okay. So there's a couple things I'm going to say, and we're going to start to unpack this because I've only told you part one of the theory, which is saying let them. Because you're never going to be able to control another human being. So you have a fear.

And the answer to the fear is let them. Is the fear that they're dating the wrong person? Let's make up one. I was just making one up. You give me one. There's a fear that we have that is keeping me stuck that you need to say to me, let them. Okay. I'm going to get fired. How about this? I'm going to get fired. Let's just use that one. Great. Let them. Let them. You want to know the greatest teacher in life, Rob? Life. Yeah. Let people learn from life.

Why are we shielding people from the consequences of their decisions? And what I have learned is that every time you step in and rescue somebody, you cover for your kid who was out partying late last night and now they're sleeping in because they're hungover. And so you call work or you allow them to call work and say, oh, yeah, well, you know, we have a family thing today. I can't come in. That is actually...

enabling somebody to stay stuck in their behavior, right? And so what you want to do is, first of all, we'll kind of layer this in because it's the exact same dynamic if you have an adult child who's struggling in school. It's the exact same dynamic if you have somebody who has let their health go. And wanting somebody that you care about to do better

That's amazing. Seeing the potential in somebody, Rob, and knowing that they could do better, that they could be healthier, that they could make more money. Seeing that somebody is dating somebody that's treating them horribly or very, very badly or whatever, and knowing they deserve better, that's an amazing thing. Wanting that for somebody is what we should be all doing. Wanting it is not the problem. The problem is how we go about it.

And how we go about it with other people when we're worried or when we have an opinion or when we have expectations is that we express those things in a way that doesn't motivate change. It actually, if you look at the biology and the neurology of the way a human being is wired, you actually create resistance to change.

And so let's take the example that you have someone in your life who is in a relationship with somebody who, whether it's, they're just not bringing out the best in the person that you love, or they are not treating them well, and you see it. Here's the thing I want everybody listening. So as you're listening to Rob and I, and you're spending time together with us, and you're on your walk or you're in your car, I want you to consider something. Who is the hardest working person

in a classroom. It's not the person getting A's, it's the person who's failing. See, people know Rob when they're in the wrong situation. If you're dating somebody and you know they're not treating you well, you don't feel good in that relationship. You know it. You're busy in there in conflict with yourself because you wish this person would treat you better. If you're struggling in school, you know it. You know, you wish that you could snap your fingers and get straight A's because you'd feel better about yourself.

So the last thing you need is your mother or your father's judgment about the fact that you don't have motivation because it's usually not an issue of motivation. It's usually an issue of some skill that's missing or some confidence that's missing or some hope that's missing. But there's a lot of effort going in. People who are out of shape, they know it. You don't think that they'd rather be in fantastic shape

And so any kind of judgment or pressure, and especially the kind of thing that we typically do, which is like, hey, you know, maybe you should go to the gym today. You're like, you don't think I've thought of that, Einstein, that I would actually feel better? The reason why it's hard to change is because our brains are hardwired to do what's easy right now. It's a simple fact. And we are hardwired to resist what feels hard.

And there's this line in addiction and in therapy and some of the world's leading psychologists that I spoke to in researching the Lethem Theory book. It just struck me. They were like, look, Mel, nobody gets sober until being drunk is harder than facing the thing you're running from. And so if you're in a situation where you're in a relationship with somebody who treats you not great,

And you want to be treated well. I choose to believe every human being wants to thrive. I choose to believe every human being wants to feel good. I choose to believe that every human being deserves to be happy and to feel fulfilled in their life and to have support in terms of friends and family that encourage them to go on and to keep moving. But most people...

When they find themselves in a situation where they're not thriving or they're surrounded by friends or family members or they're dating somebody who's treating them poorly, they know it. They just don't know how to get out of it. And so that creates a problem for the rest of us because when we're worried about somebody or we see potential, we usually express it.

We usually get worried for them. So we start to feel intense pressure about it because we want them to change because we think we know best. And the thing that I've realized over and over again is that when you operate that way, you're not creating an environment for change. You're actually creating resistance to it and more pressure on a person that already feels it.

And so the reason why the let them theory is gonna flip all this on its head is because the second you say, let them, let them live their life, let them be adult, let adults be adults, let them sit on the couch, let them lose this job, let them struggle in school, because you've got to first detach from the outcome and you've got to detach from your emotions and the tension that you feel so that you can go to step two,

Because your power in this situation is never in applying pressure to the other person because it backfires. It's in detaching. That's the only power you have. Correct. The only move you have. Correct. Detached. That's number one. Then you're going to go step two. And step two is where you say, let me. And let me is the more powerful part of this theory because this is where you remind yourself that you have something that's within your control. And that is, what am I going to think? What am I going to do?

And what am I going to do with the emotions that I feel? Because that's where your power is. It's never in the other person. Your power is in tapping into what you can do. See, you can't change another person, but I never said you couldn't influence them. And so when you say, let me, you now get to choose. You get to choose how you're going to show up.

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What's the difference between influencing and attempting to control? Well, attempting to control is when you push somebody, when you pressure them, when you express your expectations, when you directly force them. Influencing is when we tap into a huge body of research, and a lot of this comes from Dr. Tali Sharratt, who is a professor over at King's College London, whose entire field of research in neuroscience is around the power of influence and what influences people's behavior.

And we are hugely social creatures, like just we're wired for social connection. And other people's behavior, when it looks easy and fun, influences you. And I'm going to give you an example. So let's say that we're at work and it's lunchtime. And I'm a workaholic and I'm all stressed out and I'm worried about what my boss thinks. So I'm sitting there on my laptop and I'm typing away and I'm shoving a sandwich in my mouth. But Rob, who's super chill,

Every day he gets up and I notice he like shuts his laptop and he goes outside for a walk. And then he comes back and my God, he's got a smile on his face. And then he sits back down and he's all refreshed. And he's like always annoyingly perky in the meetings in the afternoon, has great ideas. So day after day, this happens, Rob. I work through lunch. I see you leave. At some point, usually a month or so later, I'll look out the window one day and be like, you know, I think I'm gonna go for a walk. And the funny thing about that moment

is that I don't think it's your idea. I actually think it's mine. But it was your influence that made me choose to do it. Because people only change when they feel like changing. And people only change when they can change. And if somebody isn't doing well, it's typically because they can't right now or they don't feel like doing the work to change.

And so your influence is important because your behavior and your energy around something either creates the space for someone else to change or it creates a cage in which somebody else continues to feel trapped and resists the change. And so here's what you're going to do. There's a technique that I boil down into a simple thing you can remember. It's just A, B, C.

It's a particular type of conversation that you're going to have with this person. And the first step is A. So A is apologize. Literally apologize. Hey, I'm really sorry that I've been judgmental of the person you've been dating. It must be super annoying to have your family not like the person you're with. I'm really sorry about that. Or, hey, I'm really sorry I've been pressuring you about your health.

I'm worried about you, but I know I've crossed the line. And so I just really wanted to take a minute and apologize for that. And most people won't even say anything because they're going to be startled that you're saying that. And they also don't trust you. So they think that there's something coming. And then you're going to, A, ask open-ended questions. And the first one you're going to lead with is, you know, I realize I've never even asked you how you feel about this. And that is like dropping a grenade on somebody's head.

Because what you do, and again, everybody knows when they're not taking care of themselves. Everybody knows when they're not tapping into their potential. Everyone knows when you're dating somebody that doesn't treat you the way you'd like to be treated. They already feel pressure. It's a mistake to think that somebody's stuck is actually still. They're extraordinarily active inside themselves because they're in conflict between where they are and what they know their potential is.

And so when you ask that question, you know, I've never even asked you how you feel about this. How do you feel about your health? How do you feel about your relationship? And that's when you got to let them talk. This is the let them. No matter what comes out of their mouth, let them. And then you say the part when you're about to speak, just let me shut up right now. Just listen, right? That's the hard part for me. Just let them talk, Mel. Let me shut up. And no matter what they say, Rob, the words don't matter.

Because according to Dr. K, who's this extraordinary psychiatrist that goes by the Healthy Gamer online, and he specializes in gaming addictions and helping young adults around gaming addictions, studied at Harvard, did his residency at McLean, which is the number one psychiatric hospital in the world. Absolutely amazing dude. So the friction inside them is what you're stirring up. It's not about the words that come out of their mouth. No, they're fine. Why? Yeah.

Because again, they feel so judged by you that they're still going to feel a little defensive. And then all you need to say is, oh, okay, so what makes you feel fine about it? Like, I'm really just want to know how you're doing. And they may shrug, they may not do anything. This is all good because you're stirring something up. And then here's the question that opens the door. You say, have you thought about what you want to do about it? Or if you want to do anything about it at all?

Of course they have. That's all they do. That's all they do. And they may just shrug their shoulders or they may say, yeah, you know, I think I should be probably trying playing a little less video games. That's all you need. That's all you need is just that moment of tension. And my favorite place to have these conversations, by the way, is in the car. Because first of all, they're trapped. Second, there's no drinking. Third, there's no eye contact.

And so I don't know about you, but I've had the best conversations with my kids or my spouse when I'm in a car because there's also something that's called forward ambulation. And you experience this on a walk too, where all the motion on either side of your body opens up bigger thinking and ideas and possibility in your brain. It's why you always come up with great ideas when you go on a walk. Same thing's true when you're driving a car. And so people tend to be more open in that setting for those four reasons.

And it's a less kind of intense, like sitting down with somebody. And then you can just say, well, you know, if I can ever do anything to be more supportive, I'm totally open. Like I would love to just make sure I show up in a different way so that you feel supported, so that I'm aligned with like what you want to do or you don't want to do about the situation in your life. That's it. That's it. No advice, no opinion, no nothing.

And then B, back off, back off. This is why you need the let them theory. Because for the next three months, you're going to see the loser you hate picking up your sister in the driveway. Let them. You're going to see your person sitting on the couch watching golf all weekend. Let them. You're going to see the person quietly quitting work and you're like, they're about to get fired. Let them. Because you have to let people learn from life.

And it's hard as hell.

But what you're also doing is when you back off, you're demonstrating that you believe in somebody's capacity to change. You believe in their capacity to make decisions in their life. It's actually very empowering. And when you back off, you're also creating that space that was created in the example where I was talking about you going for a walk and me sitting there working. You're creating enough space for the change to become their idea.

We've all been on the receiving end of this where somebody thinks they know what we should do. And one of the reasons why we don't want to change is because you don't want somebody to be like, see, I told you you'd be happier if you got a different job.

You're like, fuck you. I don't want, like, no. It wasn't your idea, dickhead. Like, I'm in charge of my own life. Like, this is why I didn't want to change because I'd be hearing this bullshit about gluten-free for the rest of my life. Right, right. Right? Yeah, for sure. Right? Because this is what I'm talking about where the pressure gets created because of the opinions and the worry and all that stuff. Like, I think a lot about the fact that our son really struggled in school. He had profound dyslexia and ADHD and

It wasn't a matter of willpower. It was a matter of skill. And so as he's upstairs playing video games, because it's easy and he's good at it, why wouldn't you want to do something easy and good?

Why would you ever want to do homework when you suck at it? And then I come clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp up the stairs to like, hey, dude, you know, I hear you screaming up here. Get off, you know, the Xbox and Fortnite and do your freaking homework. It's like, all right, mom, flip off. You're like, whatever. So it's like, I'm just creating more of that standoff. But when you have this ABC conversation and now comes the C part,

you just celebrate the tiniest things. And it's not like, oh, see, isn't going for a run fun? Don't do it in a passive aggressive way. It's sort of like, hey, you know, bud, I'm really proud of you. I saw that you must've gotten your homework done last night because I didn't hear you screaming at your friends over the video games until eight o'clock. Pretty cool. Just small little, like just small little things. You're on the sidelines clapping. The other thing that you got to do is you have to model things.

positive change and make it look fun and easy. So if you're expecting somebody to try something hard and you've been avoiding something, then clean out the garage if you've been avoiding it and just kind of model that, yeah, this stuff sucks, but it just makes you feel better when it's done. Nothing to do with the homework. You can't ask somebody to cut back on their drinking while you're pouring wine every night while you're cooking dinner.

You can't ask somebody to get in better shape while you're, you know, the one sitting on the couch not doing anything. And so when you model the behavior change, your influence has power over people. And here's the thing. It takes time. You know, like you got to be able to give this three to six months at least because people only change when they feel like it. And they may not be ready to change when you're ready for them to change.

And with family and friends, you can have a longer bandwidth. When you're in a relationship dating with somebody, the really important thing to remember is that people's behavior tells you exactly who they are. And the mistake that we make over and over and over again in relationships is that when somebody shows you who they are, we don't believe it.

We argue away. We make excuses for their behavior. We live upstairs in a fantasy about the potential of who this person could be. If only they did this, only that. And then we're not actually in the reality of who the person is.

And so many relationships, particularly romantic ones, end because resentment has built up for two years while somebody's been in their head silently wishing somebody would change and never accepting the person exactly as they are. And what love really is, is the ability to see somebody as they are and as they aren't and to choose to still care about them. And

I'm excited for this tool to get out into the world because, you know, one of the big pushbacks that I get when I talk about this is, what, I'm just supposed to let people walk all over me? I'm supposed to just let, you know, them treat me poorly? No, you're actually doing that right now. That's what you're doing right now. If you have somebody in your life who has a narcissistic personality style, or if you're dating a bunch of people that treat you poorly,

and you sleep with somebody and they slink out the door like a cat in the morning, and then you somehow convince yourself that because they said I love you while they were drunk last night, that that means that this is going somewhere, they're not the problem, you are. Because you're not willing to let them reveal who they are and whether or not you're a priority in their life through their behavior. You refuse to do that. You're in the fantasy.

And you got to let people show you who they are and show you through their behavior whether or not you matter or where you fall in the line of priorities. And then you go to the second part, let me remind myself that I have power here because I get to choose what I think about this person and their behavior. I get to decide whether or not this is enough or it's unacceptable or it's a turnoff.

I get to decide how I'm going to process my feelings. And, you know, people forget that you have so much power. You're never stuck in a job. You can leave an interview or a date or a dinner table or a text chain or a situationship anytime you decide to.

And we're so focused on them and controlling that person and trying to interpret everybody's moods and what they're thinking about that you've just gave all your power away to something and someone you can't control, Rob. And then you don't even see the fact that you have all the control. You do. And yeah, it sucks to know that sometimes the people that you choose to love are not going to choose you back.

You have to let them. What if you're a person who has a hard time with boundaries, who has a hard time advocating for yourself? This is a boundary. Let them and let me are the only boundaries you need in life. Because I personally believe that if you're tired or you're overwhelmed in life or you feel like everybody else comes first or you're just not as happy as you'd like to be or you can't catch your stride,

in the way that you think other people are, I'm going to tell you something. The problem isn't you. The problem is all the power you give to other people. And there are four ways that you're doing it. First of all, you allow other people and inconsiderate strangers and stupid shit to stress you out.

All day long, it's a death by a thousand cuts. Whether you're standing in the line at the supermarket and there's only one cash register open and there's seven people in front of you and it's like beep, beep, beep. And then you start to get all agitated and pissed off. And next thing you know, you're like, why aren't they doing the announcement? And you think you can run the store better than anybody else. And then you're kind of reaching for your phone. Let them, let them staff this however they do. Let the employees like hang out in the aisle and gossip while you're standing there because you're forgetting something.

You have the ability to respond to this. And let me remind you, your time and energy are the single most important thing you have in life because where you put your time and energy is your experience of your day-to-day life. Why on earth would you allow a situation like this to drain your life force? Let them. And then let me remind myself, I get to choose the thoughts. I get to decide what I'm going to do right now in this line. In fact, I can walk out of the store if I don't want to stand here.

You know, every, if you're listening and you always right now, and you feel like you have no time to call, to talk to people that you care about, you're exhausted at the end of the day, take the five minutes and call your grandmother, practice meditation, look around and see that you're in a grocery store and you have money and time to be standing there and tap into a little bit of gratitude. There's a million things you could do, but none of us do it because we give power to the stupid stuff.

If your friends don't invite you out this weekend and you see them all, you know, golfing or they're out for, let them. Absolutely, it stings. That's a sign when you're rejected, if it hurts that you're a normal human being, that means you're mentally healthy. But you don't have to spiral. You don't have to villainize people. You don't have to then like become a victim

People are allowed to go out with other people. People are allowed to make plans without you. We're adults here. Let them. And if it bothers you that much, remember the let me part. Let me remind myself that my social life is my responsibility. When's the last time I invited anybody anywhere? When's the last time I planned something? When's the last time I actually reached out to those people that I'm now feeling rejected by and was actually interested in their life? And it's very sobering because you start to realize, wow, I've

outsourced my happiness and my life to other people. And I think it's their responsibility when it's actually mine. So stress is one really important way that you will use this to lower your stress and to stop making a people and people and things around you a problem in your life. The second way that you're going to use this is enormous, which is, I don't think anybody realizes the extent to which you're giving power to what other people think.

And the example that really can bring it home for not only you, but as you're listening to Rob and I right now, I want you to think about your favorite social media platform. And imagine you're opening up your account and you're about to post something. And you go to pick out a photo or a little video

and you put it up and then you're like, okay, wait a minute, should I put that filter or that filter or that filter? Is this the right photo? And it could be a photo of anything. You in a bathing suit, it could be you wanting to talk about some new project that you, it might be a song that you, anything. And then you go to write the caption and you start writing like, oh wait, is this too much? Back, back, back, I delete, delete, delete. Emoji, emoji. Why? Too much for who? You are giving power to someone else's thoughts and you have forgotten that

that this is your social media platform right here. This is your self-expression and we all do it. And I can prove it. Just look at all the drafts that you have saved. And the reason why you have so many draft posts saved is because you get so stressed out thinking about something you can't control, which is whether or not somebody's gonna unfollow you or they're gonna like you or they're gonna think about this thing, that you exhaust yourself and then you just save it and you don't even post it.

That is an example of how you've allowed something you'll never be able to control because the average person has 70,000 thoughts, most of which are random that pop into our head, and nothing will guarantee that you have a positive reaction to what you do. Like, you know, it's amazing when I think about this because, you know, the person I love the most on this planet is my husband. I have negative thoughts about his ass all day long. I do. And I still love him.

There is nothing that man can do that will guarantee that Mel Robbins thinks something nice about him. And I personally think that family Rob has this beautiful role in your life because family teaches you how to love somebody you hate at times.

And people are going to judge you. People are going to say negative things about you. People are going to unfollow you. People are going to have their opinions. And what I'm going to say is instead of giving power to it because you can't control it, there's a radical, beautiful idea. Let them think negative thoughts. The next time you open up social media or you go to say something at work and you feel yourself hesitating, just say, let them think negative thoughts. Let them judge. Because when you say that, you get this weird sense of superiority, right?

It's like so cool because you're seeing it, you see the reality and you realize, I'm not going to waste my time trying to control something I can't control. So I'm going to let me just make decisions that make me proud. And the most amazing thing, and I know you've experienced this, is that when you operate in a way where you're proud of yourself, you don't even consider what other people think because you know the truth. ♪

Hey, I'm Paul Scheer. I'm June Diane Raphael. And I'm Jason Manzoukas. And we're the hosts of How Did This Get Made, a comedy podcast where we deconstruct, make fun of, and celebrate the best, worst movies ever made. Have you ever seen a movie that's so bad that it's actually good? That's what we're talking about. From blockbuster franchises and made-for-TV romances... To bonkers 80s action flicks and obscure sci-fi musicals, we cover it all. You can find How Did This Get Made wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode.

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It makes it simple. It makes perfect sense and is also hard to do. Right. I mean, I don't think it is. I don't think it is. And the reason why I don't think it is, is because I spent 54 years as a person who was navigating life based on other people's emotions and based on people's opinions. And I was constantly drained and stressed and anxious. And I was the kind of person that viewed life like a competition and

And I allowed other people's success to paralyze me because I didn't understand the way that life worked. And I always wanted to let things go. I didn't know how because when somebody would say, just let it go, Mel.

I would say, but that means I have to give up. That means I'm defeated. That means I have no power here. And so it felt like I was having to surrender to something that I didn't want to surrender to. And there's something interesting about saying let them because you rise above it and detach, but you feel this sense of power and superiority, which is why people love it. And then the part that is let me reminds you of what is in your control. So it doubled down, you double down on the power.

And I have never in my life discovered something this powerful and this transformative. And one of the other reasons why it works is it's not living in isolation, Rob. The Let Them Theory has deep roots through just the history of the human experience. I mean, it is a modern application of stoicism.

I've always wanted to be more stoic. But, you know, when you talk about these intellectual concepts, like the advice on managing and worrying about people's opinions is crap. When somebody tells you, just don't care, you know, don't think about it or, you know, people aren't thinking about you that much or, you know, I don't care about people's opinions. When somebody says, I don't care about people's opinions, you know, they actually care about people's opinions. I don't care what they think. I don't give a shit what they think. Bullshit.

That's not true. Right. And so anything that is too intellectual, I have never been able to apply in my life. And the reason why this works is because it's tapping into stoicism, Buddhism, detachment theory, radical acceptance, all of these philosophical ancient philosophies and therapeutic modalities that have helped people across the history of time. But it does it in two simple words, in a nanosecond.

and applies all of that in any situation. And it works with the laws of human nature. And it works with the way that the world works. Because, you know, let's talk about chronic comparison, which so many people struggle with because they're online six hours a day. But happiness, love, success, money, these are in limitless supply. They are there for the creating. And for far too long, I made the mistake of,

of thinking that in the game of life, I'm playing against you, Rob. That's not how life works. I'm actually playing with you. Other people can't block the way. Other people lead the way. Only you can block your own way. See, if I have an attitude where your wins are my losses, I will forever make you the enemy. I will forever use other people as an obstacle and a reason for why it can't be me. And that's not how the world works.

If somebody else has what you want, they provide the formula for how you could get it too. Right. And when you let them be successful and you let people get things on their own timeline, and then you go, well, let me remind myself that there is a path to achieve these things. And through my attitude and my actions over time, I can achieve these things for myself too.

Now, it may never look the same because it's not the same because you're going to put your whole spin on it. But a formula is a formula is a formula. And if you don't have a person that's in it, go to AI and literally type in, you know, act like the world's best life coach and tell me, what do I need to do every day for 10 months if I'm here right now? And by 10 months, I want to do this. Give me a daily plan that I execute one hour a day and you will have exactly what to do.

But then you're going to have a problem, which is, will you let yourself do it? And most people won't because once they see the map and they see the steps, they say, well, everyone's going to think I copied them. Somebody else has already done it, which means you're now back into turning other people's opinions into the reason why you can't do something. Let them think you copied it.

And let me follow the plan that AI just spit out. Because by God, I'm not going to get to my deathbed and look back and have the same regrets that most people do, which is I cared too much about what everybody else thought. And I never actually allowed myself to live my life. When does this book come out? Because I have a couple people. I was thinking about a couple of people through this and wishing they were listening. December 24th.

And this is going to be, like, everybody needs to read this because everybody on the planet is going to be saying let them. I mean, when I shared this, Rob, about 18 months ago online in a 60-second video, I explained it very simply, 15 million views in 24 hours. I did one podcast episode about it in October of 2023, and it was the fifth most shared episode of any podcast on the planet ever.

in just two months for all of 2023. This is so viral that when I announced the book, it debuted as number two on Amazon and it is not even available. And the reason why is we intrinsically know that we want more freedom and peace in our life. And I had no idea how to do it until I was 54 years old.

I mean, I pressured my kids, judged my husband. I started distancing myself from people that I was busy labeling as the toxic behavior person. And I was creating just as much friction and judgment in my relationships. And I didn't want to be. And this simple thing, let them and let me, it's the ultimate boundary. And the thing that I love about it the most is that it actually creates space for deeper connection.

If you've got somebody in your life that's really narcissistic or super challenging or immature, we all have somebody like that in our family where you just know they're going to be there and like, oh my God, here we go again. Let them. Why brace when you know what you're walking into? Why not just let them be who they are? And let me remind myself that I get to choose how much time and energy I pour into this based on what I value and the kind of person that I am. Let's say there's somebody in your life and you give them that little, not little, you give them that piece of advice.

And he still can't do it. It means you don't want to. It means you'd rather be in conflict than have peace. It means you'd rather blame other people than take responsibility for your life. It means right now, for whatever reason, you're committed to your stuckness. And I'm going to come back to this line about sobriety. People don't get sober until being drunk

is harder than doing the work to change. And there's a neurological reason for this beyond just the chemistry of addiction. Our brains are hardwired to do what's easy right now. That's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym. That's why we lay in bed and stare at our phones instead of getting out of bed. It's easy. Change is hard. Facing your problems is hard. Doing the work to be the bigger person in a dynamic with a human being that's challenging, it's very hard.

And that's why we default to what's easy. That's why we don't have hard conversations. And so there will come a point in your life where you'll just get tired of where you are. And if you're listening to us and you feel very stuck or there's somebody that is in your life who is stuck, that's really good news because when you start to actually just say, I feel very stuck or lost,

you are now verbalizing that you're not happy where you are. And that's the very first step to all of that friction and tension rising up in you and the intrinsic motivation and the capacity that you have to change. It's coming to the surface. And so that's a good thing because you're no longer happy with the way you're going about your life. And when you start to say, let them,

you're going to start to get time and energy back, time and energy you can pour back into yourself. You're going to start to feel more peaceful and confident and aligned with yourself instead of constantly navigating everybody else's moods. You know, when somebody, you know, if you're somebody that's afraid to disappoint people or let them down, let them down.

Let them be disappointed. Like one of the things that I got wrong for a long time about disappointment, Rob, is that if somebody was disappointed in me, I felt horrible. Whether it was a business partner who wanted me to show up and speak at some event and I can't make it and, oh my God, well, the client's going to be really let down and then I'm feeling bad about this. Let them be disappointed. I mean, isn't that a good thing? Isn't disappointment just the fact that somebody wants you there? Right. Yeah.

Why do we aim that against ourselves? It's because we've made it our job to manage other people's moods and expectations. They're adults. Let them be disappointed because it means they want you there. I mean, the alternative is, well, Rob's a dickhead. I don't want him here. Why would I want him here? Disappointment's a good thing. It doesn't mean you have to change now. If you go to the let me part and you drop into your values and you say, well, you know, if I really stop and think about it for just a second,

maybe I do want to go. Not because it makes them feel like I'm a good partner, because it makes me feel like one. Not because it makes my parents think I'm a good son, but because it makes me feel like a good son. Because when you bend over backwards to manage other people's expectations or disappointments or their guilt or upset, you turn them into the villain and you lose power. When you bend over backwards because it makes you feel good about yourself, now you're in control of what you do,

And it makes you proud of yourself. Do you see how that difference that is? I do. I can't wait for this. I know what kind of stocking stuffer I have. Will it fit in a stocking? How big is it physically? It will. Just jam that fucker in there. Well, I'm old, so it's got big print, everybody. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So this thing goes crazy. And then people started tattooing this shit on their bodies, Rob. Let them. I believe it. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, you need to be reminded. Just look down. Yes. This is great. Thank you so much. I'm putting in my order right now. Well, I would love to send you. Will you send me one? Send me an autograph. Is that the book right there? Is that it? Yeah, it is. Let me see the copy. I love it. Mel, you're the best. Thank you so much for coming on. It was great to be with you. Really great to be with you. I've admired you for a long time. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you, Rob. This was fantastic. Have a good one.

Okay, how many people did you think about listening to this podcast going, they need that. They need to read that book. And maybe it was just one person. I certainly had some. And you know who you are.

Thanks for listening. This was really fantastic. Lots of fun next week right here on Literally. So be sure to subscribe to the channel. We're on YouTube. Hopefully you're watching this on YouTube now. Very exciting. And spread the word, would you please? And I'll see you back here next week on Literally.

You've been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe, produced by me, Sean Doherty, with help from associate producer Sarah Begar and research by Alyssa Growl. Engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel. Our executive producers are Rob Lowe for Low Profile, Nick Liao, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross for Team Coco, and Colin Anderson for Stitcher. Booking by Deirdre Dodd. Music by Devin Bryant.

Special thanks to Hidden City Studios. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on Literally.

Hey, I'm Paul Scheer. I'm June Diane Raphael. And I'm Jason Manzoukas. And we're the hosts of How Did This Get Made, a comedy podcast where we deconstruct, make fun of, and celebrate the best, worst movies ever made. Have you ever seen a movie that's so bad that it's actually good? Eh, that's what we're talking about. From blockbuster franchises and made-for-TV romances... To bonkers 80s action flicks and obscure sci-fi musicals, we cover it all. You can find How Did This Get Made wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode.

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