Shownotes Transcript
This week on Myths and Legends, we're back with Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, and the journey to the West. We'll see which animal you should transform into when you're lowering the per capita attractiveness of that hot new city, and that, when it comes to hiring, maybe avoid the person who wants to hold the whole city hostage. The creature this time is that half-Spider-Man who's less about the heroics and more about the opposite of that. He's a murderous thief. ♪
This is Myths and Legends, episode 397, King of Hearts. This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen.
Okay, real quickly, in the story of The Journey to the West, a 16th century Chinese novel, we follow Xuanzong, the human monk who was tasked with retrieving the holy scriptures from the Thunderclap Temple in the West. Since the road is impossibly long and dangerous, he was granted four guards, essentially monsters on a redemption arc for his trip. There was Sun Wukong, the monkey king, a super-powered monkey who turned against heaven and nearly won hundreds of years prior. He was
He was imprisoned and granted to Xuanzang as a bodyguard. There's also Pigsy, a stinky, appetite-driven pig man, and Sandy, a dour indigo sand man. There's also their horse, which is actually a dragon, but who almost never leaves the form of a horse. Today, we'll catch up with a group, not on the road, but outside of a city, hoping that this time it'll be different.
Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, walked up to the soldiers slumped over by the wall. Back on the road, closer to the forest, Xuanzong, Pigsy, and Sandy all huddled in the snow, waiting to see if this was the type of city where they would have to bargain with and eventually fight demons to not get eaten, or if they could just have their travel rescript certified and get back on the road.
It's so rarely the second one, Pigsy whispered. But arriving and seeing a sleeping, uneaten human guard was actually positive. Humans could exist, uneaten, which is actually our natural state. But also, the city could bear a pretty egregious dereliction of duty, with the guards sleeping on watch and not getting swarmed by demons. The Monkey King walked up and...
gently shook the sleeping guard awake. The man shot first to his feet and then to his knees. Holy Father, he bowed. What are you talking about? Sun Wukong shook his head. You're Holy Father Thunder God, aren't you? What? No. The soldier looked him over and sat down with the, uh, yeah, that makes sense. He didn't look like a Thunder God. Okay, what's going on? This guy's going back to sleep? What city is this?
The man yawned again and fluffed his helmet. It used to be Bixu Kingdom. Now, it's Young Master's City. Why'd they change the name? Monkey demanded. But if the soldier wasn't sleeping, he was doing an awesome job of faking it. It's Young Master's City? Sun Wukong said.
They renamed it? Hey, he had to ask, was he not scary anymore? Had he lost his edge? Xuanzang quickly pivoted. Young Master City, they should figure out why they renamed it, and began walking toward the city. He was probably frightened into unconsciousness by you, big brother. Happens to me every night, Pigsy whispered. That's called sleeping, Pigsy. You're just being nice. You should lie better, but I appreciate the thought.
They let themselves in to, um... The travelers looked at all the people going this way and that, buzzing all around. Monkey looked at the other members of the group. Was he wrong in thinking everyone in this city was, like, really hot? They did happen to notice that everyone there was inordinately attractive. Monkey in a suspicious way and Pigsy in a, uh, Pigsy way...
Sandy acknowledged their symmetry and cleanliness, and Xuanzang, for all of his renouncing of the world, well, he had eyes, and yes, they were in a city full of very attractive people. And also, this isn't just like a fun little addition, the original spends a good amount of time talking about how attractive everyone in the city was. Monkey, Xuanzang whispered. Sun Wukong said, yeah, you're causing a scene.
People here are attractive. You're gonna frighten them with your ugliness.
Xuan Zong hissed like Monkey was a six-year-old causing a scene at a department store because the six-year-old doesn't want to stop pretending the circular rack of clothes isn't a fun fort because it clearly is, and it's really the store's fault for designing it that way and being super boring to begin with. Oddly specific examples aside, before you start thinking, yes, a glow-up for Sun Wukong, we're going to have our own version of the sexy Squidward meme, sorry, he turned into a bee.
While you're not a hideous monkey, please do something useful, Wukong, Xuanzang said. Each house had a goose cage in front of it. Try to figure out what's going on, if there's like a festival or something we need to honor. We wouldn't want to run afoul of these beautiful, beautiful people. Some Wukong buzzed to his discontent, but did listen to his master. He should go figure out what the deal was with all those cages and... Oh...
Master, don't move. A bee has landed on your ear. Pigsy raised a hoof to swat it. Pigsy, it's just Monkey. He left in the form of a bee, Xuanzong said. What's just me? Monkey walked up behind them. After a few seconds of them freaking out and Pigsy swatting at the bee, Monkey stopped it with a clap between his hands, and, with a smile, the hair returned to his side.
Xuanzong sneered that he did not like that little joke and told Sandy to stand in front of them to block Monkey's ugliness. Now, Monkey, what are in the cages in front of everyone's house? Oh, those would be boys, Monkey said. Pigsy and Master cocked their heads while the Sandy screen dropped. Um, what?
Monkey said there weren't too many other interpretations you could glean from that. They were boys, all between the ages of five and seven, all trapped in cages. Some played with toys, some slept, some ate fruit, but yeah, kids in cages. Xuanzang took a deep breath. He knew. He knew that you had to accept the world for what it was.
He was to be apart from it, but come on, did every single place have to be so ridiculously evil? I mean, boys in cages? And so brazen in front of every house. Do I have to hide now, Monkey said. Xuanzang sighed. No, Monkey can take the lead. Monkey spun his finger in the air. Murder triangle, go.
"'I hate that name,' Xuanzong said as they took their positions, Monkey and Pigsy in front and Sandy behind Xuanzong. "'Let's get to the administrator, get the rescript certified, and get out of here before they reveal how evil they all are.' "'How much more evil can you get?' Xuanzong said, and Monkey had to agree. "'Oh, nope, no can do. Can't get you into the meeting with the court until tomorrow morning,' the stationmaster said as he waved in the tea.'
For a city that kept kids in cages outside their front doors, the station master was a sweet man and prepared a vegetarian feast for them. As they ate, Xuanzang asked, um, normal dinner conversation?
How did they rear children in the city, like, generally? The man was happy to describe where babies come from in specific biological detail. And then, after all that, they're born after about 10 months, they're fed with milk until about 3 years. Xuanzang sighed, um, thank you for the junior high health class, but if he was being honest, and he was always honest, he was the Tang monk, he was more so curious about the children themselves.
in goose cages. Oh, don't mind that, kind elder, the man laughed. I mean, I do. I do mind, Chuanzang said. It's nothing for you to worry about, dear sir. Before you get on the road tomorrow and never return to the city, the station master laughed again.
Xuan Zong smelled the food, to confirm that it was not in fact people, that happened more than you'd think, and then said, he was going to have to insist. Why were there kids in cages? The station master held up a finger, and when an attendant came back with the tea, the station master told the man to tell the others he was fine looking after the travelers. They could all go home.
The man bowed and, for the next five minutes, until the station was empty, the pilgrims and the station master ate in silence. It is our king. The station master shook his head a few minutes after the doors closed. The travelers could see that he was holding back tears. All those boys, all 1100 plus boys, they were going to die. The station master took a drink of his tea and said that this city used to be known as Biksu Kingdom.
Recently, though, the people, at a protest, changed it to Young Master City. Three years ago, a Taoist monk arrived, or someone claiming to be a Taoist monk arrived, in the city. An old man.
He traveled with a girl of 16. She was, by all accounts, beautiful. The old man presented her as tribute to the king. The girl, though, took to her new position and spent a lot of time with the king. Morning, noon, and night, the king neglected his consorts, his duty, and his people to spend time in the arms of this girl until, well, he began to grow sick. He was unable to eat or drink.
the king began wasting away. It was then that this Taoist presented a secret formula to save him. Pigsy's hoof shot up. Sorry, uh, quick question. He keeps saying Taoist, but what is that? Is that like a type of cow? Monkey turned. Yes, a cow took over the city with his cow daughter. Do you seriously not know what a Taoist is?
We've never talked about it, Pigsy noted. Monkey thought that they had talked about it, but they were probably due for a refresher. Rooted in the teachings of Lao Tzu and the Tao Te Ching, Taoism is a Chinese philosophical and spiritual tradition, emphasizing living in harmony with the way, or the Tao, which is the fundamental natural order of the universe. It advocates simplicity, humility, and aligning oneself with the flow of nature rather than resisting it, valuing balance.
So, they're violent and evil? Pigsy was still confused? No, not at all, actually. Quite the opposite. They value peace and life and will only use force and self-defense. So, and I think I'm almost caught up, why are Taoist monks frequently the baddest?
Pigsy put his hooves together. Monkey said, well, if Pigsy had been paying attention, which he clearly wasn't, the monks were not the baddies. In fact, it was frequently demons and monsters in the disguise of Taoist monks and not the Taoist monks themselves. All this comes from, well, culturally there's a tension in this time between Buddhism and Taoism. And the story we're a part of is the Buddhist one, so it would take that side. Oh,
and we're Buddhist pogroms, Pigsy noted. Yes, we are, Monkey smiled. Okay, I think I get it. I hate Taoists now. Pigsy slammed his hoof down. No, no we don't. And once again, it's very clear these are not real Taoists. He turned back to the station master, who continued on with the background. Anyway, the traveling priest returned from a long trip abroad with the solution for the king. Boy's hearts. One
1,111 boys' hearts boiled in, presumably, one big cauldron or several small batches. He wasn't 100% sure on the logistics, but he did know that that was bad. The boys were selected by the priest to put in cages, to put some weight on before the big day. Those were the children that Monkey saw. Okay, so why does everyone seem so happy then? Xuanzang couldn't quite understand what he had seen, and...
the very attractive city outside. But the station master said that everyone was afraid of the king and the minister and didn't want to seem like an enemy of the state. Some had fought back initially. They were gone now. Those that were giving up their sons didn't want to lose any more, and those that weren't didn't want to risk what they had. Well, yeah, good idea on their part, Pigsy nodded in the original, before taking another bite of food.
Realizing the entire room was looking at him in disgust, he said, "'What? Oh, Master was crying? What, do you take someone else's coffin, bring it into your house, and cry about it when it's not your problem? Come on, this had nothing to do with them.'"
Xuanzong fumed. Pigsy, stop it. This was a clear injustice and they would set it right. Besides, whoever thought of eating someone's heart to lengthen your life? Sandy raised a finger to point out that, um, that had been not every stop so far, but it had to top at least 80% of them, with demons kidnapping Xuanzong to eat him to live forever, but Monkey shook his head. Don't bring that up.
Sun Wukong patted his master on the back. It was okay. They would go get their travel rescript certified the next morning and, what words couldn't solve, an iron rod to the skull absolutely could. Xuanzang opened his mouth in protest, but Monkey said he would try everything first. He would teach the king how to cultivate himself, try to reason with the priest. He'd even get the kids out of the city first. But if it turned out that the priest was a demon, which, I mean, let's be real, he
There were two ways of dealing with them, making their brains spill out like meat patties, once again, also the terminology they use in the original, or calling on the denizens of heaven to aid them, which they have been doing that kind of a lot lately.
Xuanzang said that Monkey should have let him finish. He was pretty down with extermination. No need to even talk it through. This was, frankly, pretty messed up. Monkey said, okay, fun and interesting turn of events, but he would still feel more comfortable getting the kids out of the city first. He had some work to do, but when the cool wind blows, they should know that Monkey had gotten the kids out.
And a few hours later, the cool wind blew. It was a wind so cold that it began to freeze the outer layer of cloth of any citizen outside that night, and a dark mist dropped on the city.
When it lifted, the goose cages were gone. Monkey had gone to talk to some local deities who knew what was going on in the young master's city. They were more than happy to rescue the children, but couldn't stand against the evil false priest. The kids were safely in their caves, warm, fed, and entertained, which isn't the most important thing, but is a really important thing when it comes to having multiple five to seven year olds over. The next morning, Monkey squinted, looking out on the city.
Man, these people did not miss a beat. Their children slated for death were gone and they didn't even cry. When Xuanzang announced that he was leaving to get the travel rescript certified, then Xuanzang blinked and Monkey was gone. Sorry if that was confusing, Master. I'm actually still here, Xuanzang heard in his ear. No, I know, Monkey. How many times have we done this?
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Don't miss out. Riversoundnappa.com. That's Riversoundnappa.com. Rules apply. Oh, it's like a Theoden King Grima Wormtongue situation. Monkey whispered as Xuanzang entered the grand and ornate throne room. Xuanzang whispered under his breath that he didn't understand Monkey's references. Also, Monkey could talk to him, but he was unable to talk back. It was like a dentist's office. It was awkward.
Monkey said he understood. He understood. So, got any plans for the weekend? Xuanzong sighed as Monkey laughed. The Tang monk bowed before the king, who was less sitting in the chair than melting in it. His hands hung limp at the armrests and his neck barely propped up his head. Xuanzong bowed and presented his travel rescript, which the king took, affixed his seal, and handed back to the monk.
Wow, that was super easy, Monkey whispered. Well, at least that was out of their way. Now they only had the evil priest reveal and slow clap they heard from behind the throne as Xuanzong tucked the re-script into the pouch at his side.
A man in silk robes stepped out. He was older but strong. His hair was white at the temples, but his shoulders were broader than any of the guards they had seen. "'It's rare we meet one so accomplished in the way as the Tang monk,' the priest said, walking in the throne room and not only failing to bow to the king, but completely ignoring him. "'What brought such an illustrious man to their humble city?' The Tang monk told him they were seeking the scriptures in the Western Heaven.'
"'Tell me,' the priest demanded, "'is it true that through submission to the Buddha, "'a monk can not only transcend death, but gain longevity in life?' "'Xuanzang said yes, but that wasn't really the focus. "'Through self-cultivation, he gained wisdom and knowledge "'and worked to sever attachment and bring about an end to suffering. "'By doing this, he could lead others to peace and harmony as well.' "'The priest laughed. "'Nope! "'Wow, you really believe that? "'What a fool! "'What an absolute knave!'
Xuanzang wasn't going to be suckered into a bad faith debate. I'll tell you what I believe. The false priest looked around with a half grin to the courtiers. I believe that when it comes to believing the right stuff, I do and you don't. A chorus of...
went up from the courtiers and even a throaty chuckle from the king. And I'll say another thing. When it comes to your enlightenment and your way and your meditation, you know what I say to that? Sit, sit, sit, your butt will split. That's a real quote from the book. And he won the argument according to the laughter and the cheering in the throne room. He really knew his audience. Taoist meditate too, Monkey pointed out in Xuanzong's ear. Taoism
Xuanzang, though, had no reason to try to debate him, and since he didn't feed the troll, the priest didn't have any more to use. He wiped a fake tear from his eye and said all this was in good fun. They would be preparing a vegetarian feast for their guests in the postal station where they were staying. Then they could get on the road before nightfall.
Well, that was super easy, Monkey said as Xuanzong left the throne room. He's obviously evil, though, and seems to know next to nothing about actual Taoism. Also, he or his daughter are sucking the life from the king. Weird that they didn't mention the cages being removed, though. Hey, go back and hang out with Pigsy and Sandy. Tell them to be on high alert. I'm going to hang out here and see what I can learn. Xuanzong nodded in assent and felt the flea jump from his ear.
Out of the corner of his eye, as he left the palace, he saw a kingfisher, a bird, now perched in the highest rafter. You all have friends in high places, the station master marveled, as the king's servants brought in dish after dish, steaming with food. Pigsy salivated and Xuanzang took a seat.
Ten minutes later, the doors flew open, and Monkey strode in. "Ah, Sun Wukong, you're back," Xuanzang swallowed his food. "What did you learn?" Monkey walked up to his master, took the pawful of mud he had, and shoved it in his master's mouth. Through muffled screams, Xuanzang watched in terror as the hairs of Monkey's body crept down from his arms and entered the mud, which then spread out all over his master's face.
creeping all venom-like to his torso, arms, legs, hands, and feet. "'What are you doing?' Pigsy screeched, reaching for his rake. Xuanzong, the monk, gagged as the mug continued spreading all over his body. Soon he was still, and then he was monkey. Sun Wukong rose next to Sun Wukong, and the Sun Wukong who had entered as Sun Wukong became Xuanzong.'
"'They've closed the gates of the city, and when I flew here, they were surrounding the postal station.' Monkey, in the form of Xuanzong, informed the group. "'Monkey, what have you done?' Monkey, a.k.a. Xuanzong, shrieked. And then his hands went to his throat. Why did he sound like that? It had to be convincing. That's the reason they didn't care about the boys in the cages being rescued. They're coming after you. And since you can't fly or change your shape, this was the only way to get you to safety.'
Don't worry, I'm not going to kill all those people out there. Because they, and not even the king, are evil. They're all under the sway of whatever is masquerading as that priest. I can't just bludgeon my way out of this. It has to be me, Wenqi told them. Luckily, there was some mud outside, and the hair should hold it in place. Wait, like, right outside? Pigsy asked. Yeah, by the wall, why? Xuanzong, aka Monkey, gestured.
Oh, whoops. That's actually, um, where I peed. Pigsy grimaced, and he actually did do that in the original. Xuanzong started screaming, but Monkey held up a hand to silence him when, at the door, rows and rows of soldiers entered. They had an invitation for the Tang monk to return to the palace. Xuanzong, once again, Monkey, ordered the other three to stay there.
He nodded to the guards and started the walk to the palace.
"'We need a supplement from you.' The king managed to sit up as high as he could on the throne. Behind him, the priest snickered. If he gave it to them and saved the king, they would build a shrine to him. He would earn daily sacrifices, and the state would honor him with perpetual incense. "'Oh, wow! What a great deal! I wonder what the supplement is that I could possess, for I am just a poor traveling monk who has renounced the world.'
Monkey was setting them up for their big sinister reveal. With a nod, the soldiers behind the false Xuanzong marched a few steps closer. What we need from you, dear elder, is your heart. The priest cackled, then stopped. Um, why was the monk not freaking out? Oh, I mean, yeah, okay, Xuanzong shrugged.
"'Oh, okay?' The priest waved his soldiers in closer. Xuanzang said, "'Yeah, it was no big deal. Which one did they want?' "'Which heart?' The king cocked his head. "'Yeah, I have a few. We want your black heart, the one with the purest essence.' The king and the priest were very confused."
Xuanzong turned to the man who was sneaking up on him and waited for him to just bring him the knife. He would check, but he wasn't sure he had a black heart. Looking at the priest for confirmation, the soldier handed the faux monk the knife. They watched the Tang monk undo his robes, embarrass chest, feel just under his left pectoral, nod, and then plunge the knife in.
After cutting away his flesh, Xuanzong held out the bloody knife for the wincing and horrified soldier to hold on to. He forgot about his ribs. He gripped one, pressing his fingers as best as he could between them, and, with a crack, broke the first one, then two, then three. Oh, shoot!
Xuanzong tried to catch all the hearts that came spilling out. A white heart, a yellow heart, an avaricious heart, a greedy heart, an envious heart, a petty heart, a competitive heart, an ambitious heart, a murderous heart, and several more dangled from veins and arteries, extending back up into the supposed Tang monk's chest. How do you have so many hearts? The king was nonplussed.
The Tang monk studied all of them. Yeah, unfortunately, it was just as he thought. No black heart. He turned to the soldier who had by now fainted and said, fine, he put them all back in himself. One by one, monkey put the hearts back in his chest. They were all of his actual hearts, by the way. That part was real. He put the rib back in place and lazily laid the skin back over top of it.
The more he thought about it, though, he actually could provide a black heart for the king. A pure heart. The priest behind him hadn't mentioned the source of this one, and frankly, no one could blame him, because it was the priest's black heart that could save the king. With this, Monkey shook, and his face simian, his body covered in fur once again, his sharp teeth formed into a grin. Let's open him up and find it.
The priest took to a cloud, but Monkey's foot found his face before he was able to burst through the ceiling of the room, sending him tumbling toward the floor. The priest held out his hand, drawing his coiled dragon staff to himself, and attacked. He brought down the staff, and Monkey blocked it. He unleashed a magical blast of fire, and Monkey blocked it by spinning his iron staff and dissipating the blaze.
He turned his attention to the assembled nobles and courtiers cowering by the wall, and Monkey said, "'Oh, no, not the people complicit in his rounding up and murdering children,' and sat down. The priest sneered and dropped that tactic, and trying a few more times to hit Monkey, and failing a few more times, he turned into a beam of light and shot back into the palace."
As Monkey sighed, two beams of light, a golden and silver, father and daughter, shot out an open window toward the sky. Monkey turned to the king. Well, at least that was over. What did we learn? But the king was gone. Where's the king? Monkey turned to the people, bowing and cowering, saying they would do whatever he asked of them. He was their leader now.
Shaking his head, Monkey said, Stop doing that for strangers. That's how you end up harvesting boy hearts for a demon. Floating back, Monkey discovered the concubines still trembling. Across the room, Monkey's eyes searched for the king. Oh, hey! The king waved, huddled in a pillow fort being waited on by his concubines. He was just...
making sure the women here were safe. Monkey nodded. Indeed, that was brave of him, by the way, to flee in terror to go check on all these human shields, I mean concubines. Monkey shook his head and found his way to the watchman at the front of the palace. Who are you? The watchman pointed his spear at Monkey. Monkey said he was Sun Wukong, the Monkey King, great sage equal to heaven. Maybe the man had heard of him.
"'What happened to the guy I let in this morning?' The watchman was puzzled. "'That guy, from earlier, he was good-looking.' Monkey said, "'First, it was an elaborate ruse to free your kingdom, and second, he's not that handsome.' "'More handsome than you,' the watchman chuckled. "'Okay, this is not helpful this week. Did you see which way the beams of light went?' Monkey demanded, but the man said, "'No, it was light and daylight.'
Did Monkey know where drops of water go when they enter the ocean? Monkey really restrained himself from launching this guard into a nearby mountain and told him to send an envoy down to the postal station to get his master.
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I just used Thumbtack. I can hire a top-rated pro in the Bay Area that knows everything about interior paint, easily compare prices, and read reviews. Thumbtack knows homes. Download the app today. You know, this is on us, the king left. He was only human. He only wanted to live forever at any cost, even if that cost was the murder mutilation of a thousand plus children. Was that so wrong?
"'Yes. Yes, objectively wrong,' Monkey groaned. "'Well, a priest said it was okay, so what am I supposed to do?' the king shrugged, still barely able to hold himself up. "'I don't know. Think a little bit about it?' Monkey pleaded. "'Like, a good starter is any time a plan involves mass murder of children, or anyone, really. It's a bad plan.'
Monkey had done a few more interviews before they got there and learned the location of the cave. If he let the demons, and they were demons, keep going, they'd just be back and take over again. Monkey turned to his master and said it was relatively safe here, just don't let them worship you or anything. They seem to have a tendency to start doing that.
Monkey then thought about it. Pigsy was coming with him. Of everyone in the group, he trusted Pigsy the absolute least to not inadvertently start a cult. So, leaving Xuanzang in the care of Sandy and sitting down to yet another vegetarian feast, Monkey and Pigsy traveled about 70 miles north to the Pure Fluorescence Cave. But there was no cave.
Hey, you guys looking to mess up that demon that lives here, they heard, spinning around to see the local god? Monkey said yes, but what prompted that? Well, not a lot of times we get an anthropomorphic monkey and pig traveling through here, so figured it was a safe bet.
I would have come for help, but he's super powerful, and there would have been retribution against me and everyone I care about. He's down north of the brook. Just find the willow tree with nine branches. Circle the trunk three times from left to right, three more from right to left. Put both hands on the trunk and say, open the door. Monkey thanked the spirit, and he and Pigsy went back down to the brook.
When they did that fairly simple thing, the tree shifted to the right all Legend of Zelda-like, and a stairway, dropping down into the darkness, appeared. Monkey told Pigsy to wait outside for him. He'd chase the monster here. Pigsy did not need any extra incentive to not enter a dank monster lair, and, to be honest, was still a little mad at Monkey for not letting him start a cult.
Three years the priest held his daughter in the residence below, which were actually quite nice and homey. Three years of planning ruined by that ape face. Sun Wukong stood from the darkness. That was too far. He was a monkey, not an ape. So he smashed their house.
Hearing the battle below, Pigsy put aside his dreams of cult leadership and got amped up. All right, fight time. He knocked over the willow tree to get warmed up and started beating it with a rake, as you do, and noticed that it was starting to bleed.
Bleed blood. Just then, Monkey chased the priest from the cave who, taking one look at Pigsy, said, No way! And turned into a beam of cold light, taking off into the sky yet again. Monkey sighed, emerging. Really? They had to do this all over again with the chasing and the mountain spirit and the... Then the priest hit the ground. Hard. Cowering from the white light in the sky above.
Hey, Wukong, they heard, and Monkey shielded his eyes. Was that aged star of the South Pole? It is! Long time, the star of the South Pole said. He chuckled. Monkey would never believe what happened with this guy, the one pretending to be a priest.
"'He's one of your beasts of burden who got loose, stealing your magic staff in the process, and who came down here to wreak havoc. But while he's been down here for literal ages, you only just noticed because time works differently?' Monkey asked. It was more rhetorical than anything, though. "'Sorry,' the star said. He was playing chess with a friend, and the creature got out. To his credit, he did go looking immediately.'
"'Change back, or your master will spend the next thousand years picking up pieces of you from the hillside,' Monkey demanded. And the priest turned back into a white deer. "'He's my riding deer,' the star descended and mounted the deer. "'Great, and who's his daughter?' "'Daughter?' the star asked.'
Monkey sent Pigsy into the cave, and then Monkey played something like 16th century baseball with the daughter, who shot up in a beam of light, and was then hit by Monkey's staff. Unfortunately, when the fox's body dropped to the ground, there was no saving her. Monkey waved the body of the deer's adopted daughter before the wailing beast of burden, and then even the South Pole star thought that that was a bit much.
The star announced that he wanted to personally apologize to the king of these lands, though, and Monkey gave him the address. After Monkey and Pigsy burned down the lair, you can't have Zelda lairs with secret tree doors just sitting around, they'll attract monsters, they made their way back home, where Monkey and Pigsy found a feast already in progress.
The South Pole star had dialed back the brightness and was telling everyone about real Taoism. But the aged king coughed. Um, so he had been drained of life by the fox woman? Yeah, for doing gross things, Monkey spoke up. Everyone else shot him an annoyed look. Monkey didn't care. He was right. I was supposed to get an elixir that would heal me today, the king said in the saddest, weakest tone he could muster.
By sacrificing a thousand children, Monkey blurted and then shook his head. He needed to go take a walk. The king asked the star if he had just a little immortality he could give him. Just a taste of complete eternal life and youth. The star said he did bear some responsibility. And while he doesn't pack immortality elixir when going out looking for his deer, he did have some dates in his sleeve.
He tossed the king some dates who ate them, and in a moment, his wrinkles smoothed out, his hair turned black, and his eyes were clear. He breathed. The court applauded. Their king was young again. The king smiled. Wow. Thank you. So, like, the rest of the elixir, though? When could he expect that? Tomorrow?
The South Pole star said he would look into it. He'd get back to the king with that. The king didn't know the disparity between time passage for heaven and earth, so he might be waiting a while. Monkey called out. They were back. The court emerged to see 1,100 goose coops on the wind being set down at the different houses. Because, yes, the boys were back in town. Sorry I had to.
They were also allowed out of their cages, which feels like they should have been allowed to do that sooner. I guess the local spirits were just protecting them and not babysitters, though.
The boys, having learned all about how Sun Wukong negotiated their salvation, declared that they would heft the party onto their shoulders and parade them all through town, even though they were horrifically ugly. Monkey sighed, thanks, that was the meanest way anyone had ever been nice to him. The travelers stayed in the city for a month, eating a meal at each of the boys' houses, which still left about a thousand houses to go. The rest of the families helped to outfit the group for their journey,
And when Xuanzong, Monkey, Pigsy, and Sandy left, the perpetually burning incense wafted up from in front of their pictures in the temple because, for their kindness and courage, they would always be remembered in the city. That's where we'll leave it this week. I actually almost skipped over this one. But I like how Monkey had to work his way through a threat without hurting a human. He's actually showing Gross as a character that that wasn't even on the table.
I also like the ridiculousness of the attractive city, though Xuanzang only ever hassled Monkey about his ugliness and not the obvious Pigsy. Also, we're not told why the city was so attractive. Next week, it's a Scandinavian Christmas, where your dad hates you and you go to zombie church. If you'd like to support the show, there's still a membership thing on the site.
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The creature this week is Cacus, from Greek mythology. Now, we've talked about it, but the smith god Hephaestus was among the best of the male Olympians. It's an astoundingly low bar, but he manages it. Even good people can have challenging children, though. And growing up the son of a dad dealing with his own issues of anger and inadequacy, and possibly being the son of Medusa, you're going to end up on the bad side of the Olympians. Or at least their lackeys, but when that lackey is Hercules...
And you rob him on the way home from one of his labors, yeah, you're gonna have a bad time. Kakas was, according to some places, half human, half spider, with a gigantic body and three heads that could breathe fire. He lived in a cave his dad carved out for him and robbed travelers. Not the most honorable profession, but the job market for a half spider son of the lowest ranking Olympian was not great.
His fatal mistake was angering Hercules. While Hercules was on his tenth labor and driving cattle home, Hercules stopped off at the house of a friend and, thinking that no one would try to steal his cattle he just stole because he was Hercules, Hercules had his cattle stolen. Cacus tried the whole walk the cattle backwards to hide where they went. This didn't work because Hercules didn't remember taking them from a random cave in a field.
The three-headed spider monster saw Hercules and bolted for the safety of home, and when his adamantine rock door, the one that his dad made, slammed down behind him, he knew that he was safe. But a door is only as strong as the house to which it's attached. And Hercules lifted up the entire cave. You might be thinking, how does that work? Caves are attached to the ground. Caves basically are ground. And
And for that, I have a one-word answer. Hercules. But Cacus wasn't done. To his credit, he didn't try to fight Hercules, opting instead for an octopus escape where he clouded the area so much he could flee.
spewing smoke, Cacus almost got away with it. Until Hercules thought about it and went to the area where the smoke was the most concentrated, wrapping his rippling bicep around it. Cacus's cause of death was that of so many monsters in Greek myth, a semi-nude hug from Hercules.
That's it for this time. Myths and Legends is by Jason and Carissa Weiser. Our theme song is by Broke for Free, and the Creature of the Week music is by Steve Combs. There are links to even more of the music we used in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you next time.