Ep 297: Joanne McNally
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That's code PerfectManny20 for 20% off at OliveAndJune.com slash PerfectManny20. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, crushing up the meringues of conversation, adding the whipped cream of humor, and adding in the strawberries of friendship.

Eat and mess. Whoa! We've not had that one before. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is... Joanne McNally! Joanne McNally, an absolute smash hit of a stand-up comedian, James. A juggernaut, a force of nature. Force of nature. Joanne is absolutely hilarious.

She was also on Taskmaster, of course. Brilliant on Taskmaster. Joanne is back on tour. She's doing her new show, Penophile. I mean, Ed told me that he laughed out loud when he read that. Really funny. I can't say I disagree with him there. Yes, Penophile. Her last show was such a massive success that, I mean, I don't know how long it ran on for. She sold so many tickets on that tour. I'll tell you what, sold even more of on that tour. Prosecco. Prosecco. Since this is a food podcast. Yeah.

that is relevant. I'm sure we will speak about Prosecco with Joel. Or indeed Pinot. Or indeed Pinot. Yeah. And listen, we have chose a drink as the secret ingredient, but it isn't either of those things because we felt like that would be unfair. It would be pretty harsh, wouldn't it? Yeah. The secret ingredient this week is...

Pachine. Pachine, when we were in Dublin doing our tour, that was a suggested secret ingredient from the audience and we did not accept it as a secret ingredient and our guest Tommy Tynne and then went on to pick Pachine. So what could have happened?

What could have happened? I mean, of all the people that we wouldn't have managed to kick out. We would not have successfully. Tommy's up there, isn't he? We kicked Tommy out of a live gig. It's a homemade, often homemade booze, James. Like moonshine, am I right? Yeah, sort of moonshine, the Irish moonshine. Yes. Thank you very much to Sean, one of my local baristas. He gave me a bottle of it after Christmas. Thank you, Sean. He's one of James's local baristas. Yeah.

I appreciated it. Gave me a bottle. Yeah. Yeah, gave me a bottle. He went back to Ireland for Christmas, bought back some poutine. You're just drinking unmarked bottles of stuff that people you know in a coffee shop give you? Only if they're qualified baristas, yes. Not sure it matches up, mate. What are you going to let him do next? Dentistry? That's good. Could save me a pretty penny or two.

And this is the last episode of the series, James. Oh, farewell, old friend. Farewell, old series, but we'll be back soon, I'm sure. What a fun series it's been. What a fun series, man. We've had some incredible guests from all over the world and all over entertainment. Yes, and I finally confronted Stephen Graham. Yes. Gave him what for, and I'm very proud of myself. And many more reflections beside...

Yeah. We can't wait to speak to Joanne. She's great. So without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Joanne McNally. Welcome, Joanne, to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Joanne McNally.

Thank you so much. I've been waiting to come on for ages. Have you? Yeah, I've been sitting there at my menu. How long have you had your menu ready? Years. How long has this gone? Years. What was the start date? I've been waiting since then. 2019. 2018. 2018. For the real fans, Ed. We started recording in 2018. The first one came out in 2019. My menu's been going since then. No, it's changed. Okay.

It's evolved with trends and my tastes. And that's, we knew that, Joanne. We knew that you wouldn't want to go with your first draft. Not at all. So we've waited for you to get to this point and we now know that you think the menu's perfect. It's the final draft. I'm thrilled. Everyone listening will be very excited to get to the drink course. No spoilers, please. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. But you often name shows after drinks. I do. They become a thing. Yeah. My first draft of this had no food at all. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just me on the bottom of a drinks cart frothing at the mouth. Yeah. Very excited. Of course, Pinophile is on tour. You're on tour now with your show Pinophile. Yeah. It's rare that the title of a tour makes me laugh out loud when I see it. You like Pinophile? Absolutely love it. It's good, isn't it? What's it a play on? LAUGHTER

I don't know. I just don't understand why paedophiles can take file. Like, I mean, it's not their work. We should be able to take it back. Yeah, yeah. It was actually, do you know where it came from? The file is obviously just you're mad about something. And I'm mad about peanut. Yes. And what happened was there was a viral clip going around. You know the Peloton, you know the exercise bikes that everyone bought during lockdown. They're peddling away at home.

And there was a video going around of an American trainer or whatever they're called, class instructor thing. And she was looking at the leaderboard and there was, everyone has like a name that they use, like peddling for wine or whatever. Like, you know, kind of like spin for gin. It's usually, they're the ones I notice anyway. And anyway, she saw something on the computer that she didn't like and she was mid pedal and she was like, no kid. And she was like calling up to the leaderboard to kick him out.

kick him out ban him ban him she's like we don't do that here we don't do that here and of course I was like what was the name the name was Pedophile which I I just thought was so funny and I was talking about it somewhere and actually a woman DM'd me and she was like if you were cycling your name would be Penophile and that's where the name came from so I can't even take credit for it but I was like that's a great name for a show yeah yeah good word imagine getting kicked out Pedophile I mean it sounds more like her no I'm early I thought you were doing your spin class

I got kicked out. No, the worst thing is you do them from home, right? You do, yeah. So you're kicked out of the class and then you just sat on your bike at home. You're in your kitchen. Yeah. Covered in shame and sweat. Yeah. Yeah, but then you realise you can just keep pedalling and just do it yourself. She was getting a bird. You need the motivation, you need them screaming. Yeah, I guess that's the thing. I was just very narrow-minded of her, I thought. Yeah, it's pretty...

Pedalphile is so funny as well. It's so funny. It's so funny. Yeah. I got it. It was a, it gave me, it gave me, it really lifted my day. Yeah. So are you a big fan of solid food as well? I am, but I am, I do eat solids, but I have, what could, I would say, I,

I hope I don't embarrass myself here because I have quite an immature palate, I would say. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, I would say it's like apocalyptic. A lot of canned foods. Like when the apocalypse comes, I will be... You're like a prepper. I'll be down in the bunker living my best life. Yeah, cracking up and spam and stuff. Will you be good in the apocalypse? Because if you've eaten all your cans, because you love them so much, you won't have any saved up for the apocalypse. I'll do a collab or something. Yeah.

If I sense it's coming, I'll get a collab. Yeah, yeah, get a collab in. Who's your dream to collab with in the canned food biz? You'd go Heinz, wouldn't you? Because then you have your spaghetti eddies and your spaghetti spot. You get all your beans, your alfabeti spaghetti, all that stuff. I also, like I eat, well, I don't eat sausages anymore. I used to eat pork, but I don't have gone off at night because I read about that pigs can basically play Nintendo. They like can use joysticks and stuff. They have the intelligence of a toddler. Yeah. Yeah.

That's actually true. Yeah, they can use joysticks. And they can recognise their own reflection in mirrors and the orgasm for like 40 minutes or something. Yeah, that's true. I had a half an hour, but maybe I got a shit pig. You'd blame that on yourself. Yeah, yeah. If you're doing it right. The pigs on TikTok giving out, be like, you're a shit. Yeah, I follow a pig on Instagram called Merlin the pig. Yeah. And

He has all these buttons with different phrases on them and he can tell his owner what he wants by pressing them. Dance with me, mummy! They're really smart. I think he's just randomly hitting buttons. No, he hits the dance with me, mummy one a lot. I watched a YouTube video about that pig. Dance with me, mummy! That's what he does when he presses it. He does the cha-cha and he's great. He dances a lot. It's his favourite one. I can see why that would put you off.

pork I also don't like the taste of pork yeah now sausages I would but anyway my point was I used to eat the sausages out of the can it was like my palate never developed past 17 year old boy sure yeah I have a student palate but I'm very

But I'm very happy with this. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We've had a lot of immature palettes on here. I think that's, you know, we've got to represent the full. I think so. That's what I was thinking. It's not a snobby podcast. Yeah. And, you know, that's not to say we're not going to take the piss out of you. Yeah, of course.

But we'll do it in a nice way. Yeah. When I'm on the road and I see a service station, there's nothing more exciting to me. Like I'd book in a table in a petrol station. Like I love the sandwiches. Yeah. I love the little quarter bottles of wine. Yeah. Like I'm a simple girl. So if you're in a service station, what's your favourite place to go in a service station? Or is it literally the petrol station is your favourite? Well, no, I mean, ideally it would be one of the bigger ones, which have the options of the Nandels and the Pretts and the WH Smiths. Yeah, yeah. And then I'll kind of shop around. Mm-hmm.

full day make your own kind of dream meal out of all the different things and I love a machine coffee yeah it's mad you wouldn't even go to the Starbucks in the service station well I actually think Starbucks tastes like burnt hair sorry

It does. Am I the only one who thinks that? No, you've got a point. Gross. No, Pratt would be my favourite now. I'm a real Pratt girl. Yeah, yeah. Pratt coffee and the services, I think, is the way to go. Yeah. Although I will get Starbucks if I'm feeling like... For me, it's like the... I know it's a bit more of a junk foodie. Yeah, it is. So sometimes you're in the mood for that. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Would you ever eat a Starbucks sandwich? No. No. Cake pops. The cake pops from there. Yeah, the bars. Yes, but... No, the little cake pops. The little, like...

Cake on a stick, dick. Oh, nice. I would have thought you were more civilised than that. James is cake on a stick. The guy loves it. Yeah. I'm cake on a stick all the way. It's so good. The cake pops, the ratio of the icing to cake, which is more icing than cake, is spot on. Do you know what I can't control myself around? Is the Pratt chocolate mousse desserts. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I very rarely do. I mean, look.

If I'm going to Pratt, and this sounds crazy, this does not sound like a treat, but I think one of my favourite things in the world is the chocolate-covered corn cakes. That is a treat. It's not a treat. It is a treat. Anything in Pratt's a treat. He lives a sad life if that's a treat. The chocolate-covered corn cakes. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah. Any of the wraps.

A chicken avocado sandwich and it's, yeah. But then of course I just, I pull apart the sandwich and dunk a bit of barrel of salt on it. Yeah. You're salting the sandwich. Yeah, which is basically a block of salt anyway. Yeah. It's not no salt for me yet. I love that. I wonder, I think I'm probably going to get rickets or scurvy at some stage. I've no nutrients really. Yeah. Like in my ideal meals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's...

That's fine. I mean, this is the dream meal. I think we can safely say in the dream restaurant there is no worry of rickets or scurfing. There's no rules. No, no, no. No, yeah. We will promise you you won't get it from this meal. Great. Fab. I'll go in for a medical straight away. Yeah. We always start with a little sparkling water, Joanne. Sparkling, please. Yeah. I'm a big sparkling girl. Is it because it reminds you of Prosecco?

No, there's a sense of occasion to it, I feel. And before I made any money, before I had any income from comedy, I was like, you never could afford sparkling water. It seemed like such a wild extravagance. Yes. So now I think it's a bit of a flex being like, I'll take the sparkly. Yeah, every time. Every time, sparkly. And when I buy a house, which I hope to do at some stage before I hit 50, I want one of those sparkly taps. You know those, what are they? The Quaker taps, what are they called? Yeah.

They're not Quaker taps. No, that's one that has porridge coming out of it. What are they called? Quaker. Quaker. Quaker. Yeah. Do they do sparkling water as well? I don't know how they do it. I don't want to know the science behind it. Because they do hot water as well, right? You can get the boiling water taps. Crazy hot one. Yeah. I don't know if there's some lad pumping it down there. I don't know what. There'll be a lad pumping it down there. I think there'll be a lad down there, yeah. Morning!

morning. Take your morning to the lab. That's nice. See his eye through the plug-on. If you paid thousands of pounds to have a new tap installed and then you realise when the guy turns up he just gets in. In just a basin underneath. Yeah, I know. He's just blowing bubbles himself with a little wand. Like if it was the Flintstones. And his legs coming out of the car. A little animal making it work. They're not that expensive those

taps I don't think I would have thought they were about 60 grand they should be a million pounds because that's a lot of pleasure to have a quarter coming out of your tap yeah so you're not far off getting one yeah you've aimed very far in the future as well being like you hope like one day I hope to get one of these taps and you said like by the time I'm 50 I know I struggle with I struggle with admin so I don't know how I'm going to with admin yeah there's a lot of admin in trying to buy a house I'm doing my own yeah you know

You don't want to have one of those taps installed in where you're living at the moment because you want it to be put in your own place. I don't know if this is correct now. I could have read this somewhere. It could be fake news. I think you take it with you. I think they're detachable.

So you don't... There's no... There's no installation within the actual plumbing of the house. I don't believe so. It's just all on the... It's just magic. It's one tap that carbonates water as it's coming through the tap. I believe so. That doesn't feel right. It doesn't actually. It must be a lad. It must be a little lad. Yeah, just a lad bumping down there. You got the ice in that...

In that drink? No. Depending on the weather, no. No lemon, nothing to stain the end. Just bubbly water. Brand of sparkling water you like or do you want it out the tap? Out that special tap? Well, I like a sample of Greeno. I like the bottle. Makes me feel like I'm on holidays in Italy. Yeah. I like it. What's that can that makes it look like you're drinking cider? Demon water. Liquid Death. Liquid Death. Yeah. Huge fan of Liquid Death as well. Are you a fan of Liquid Death? Yeah, I love Liquid Death.

Yeah. I was kicked out of a pub once. You can put a skull on something. I love it. Hold on. They think it's cans. Yeah, I know. We're coming back to it. Sorry, Joanne. Please tell us why you were kicked out of the pub. It was after a gig. I just did a gig on Always Be and I went to the bar across the road but I had a can of... The doghouse. Yeah. You went to the doghouse. Yeah.

And I had a can of sparkling death. What's it called? Liquid death. Liquid death. And it looks like a really hardcore can of cider or something. And I walked in and your man came out behind the bar and he was buzzing to kick me out. Like, do you know these people? He was like...

glee yeah yeah he was like straight away out not a chance nope pointed to the can what a feel he felt yeah I bet what a feel oh so he thought you were bringing booze into the venue yeah and I was like it's water and he was like I can't apologise enough is that what he said I'm so sorry like yeah great I mean it is one of the best feelings in life

to be right is knowing you're right yeah while the other person completely just like goes way too hard yeah knowing you've got this just taking the whole thing knowing that I'm gonna get but then taking the higher road like when I'm like don't worry about it it's okay because he bowed down very he stood back he was like I'm so sorry yeah because he made a show of himself yeah

We were all embarrassed. The only time I really get that, because I'm often in the wrong, is when I'm going to venues and there's like a bouncer on the door searching people's bags and stuff and you're not allowed to take food in. I'm type 1 diabetic, so I always have to have glucose sweets with me. So they'll like pull out the sweets from my bag and be like, no food, mate, you're going to have to toss that. And I'll go, I'm type 1 diabetic. Yes.

Do you have a little card or anything? No, no, no. Oh, they just have to take your word for it. So if you guys want to use that, go ahead. I didn't know you did that. That's amazing. If they pushed you any further, you've got your kit and stuff in there. Yeah, I've got insulin and needles and stuff. Anyone could rock up a kit. I could rock up a kit. Do you know what? Anyone who goes through that trouble deserves to take some sweeties into the gig. Yeah, that's true.

I know, yeah. But it's a great feeling. It's like when people are just taking their little pets on the airplanes now and calling them therapy dogs or whatever. You're like, how do you prove that you are completely traumatised that you need an alzation on your neck? Yeah, because the only way you can prove it is if the dog wasn't with you. Yeah. So you're going to be really calm when the dog's there, right? Yeah. Stick it in the hold, see how that works out for you. Well, that has happened and it didn't work out well. Sorry? Yeah. For who? The dog. Yeah, but...

I'm sorry. I meant, who did it happen to? Who did that? Who did that? I don't know. Someone in the Daily Mail. Yeah. Oh, of course. I don't have a person here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop-Dom's on bread! Pop-Dom's on bread, Joanne McNally! Pop-Dom's on bread! I go pop-a-doms. Okay. I have enough bread coming up and I love, I love crisps and all. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Can you say some of your favourite crisps?

It depends on the mood. Are we not being patriotic here? Oh, we go Taito. Yeah. Yeah, we'd have to. And hunky-dory, aren't they Irish as well? Are they? Yeah, I think so. I haven't heard of hunky-dory. Have you not? Okay, well, we'll go Taito then. I'll rep. I was looking forward to giving Joanne a mood that she was in and matching it with the crisp. Okay, yeah. Will it be more... A drink as well would be... I love anything ribbed, but I will take... Taito are quite... They're not... They're unribbed. I'll take them as well. An onion ring and...

Hotlips. Do you know Hotlips? All those tempeh crisps, banshee bones, anything like that. It feels like you're making all of this up. It's like a sketch, a comedy sketch where somebody's ordering stuff no one's ever heard of. After school, we go in with like, banshee bones. They're all like kind of corn crisps. Yeah, yeah. You know yourself. I think...

Space Raiders. Yeah, Banshee Bones were, yeah, kind of like Space Raiders. Banshee Bones were a form of Space Raiders. Yeah, and wheelies. Wheelies. Yeah. Like basically, if I was brought to like a 21st Spring,

birthday party and it's bread that would be my ideal meal like goujons and shit crisps basically so I would have poppadoms because it's the closest thing and then I get the condiments well look if you would rather have crisps or your favourite crisps for this bit you can it's your dream meal yeah well then I will yeah then I will yeah so we'll put some banshee buns in there for you yeah okay scrap the poppadoms and we take about 10 crisps and potatoes

Yeah. Sour Cream and Onion, big fave. Sour Cream and Onion, Tatos. Sour Cream and Onion, Tatos. I'm also, I'm a big fan of Pringles. Yeah. They're great. Yeah. I find them quite addictive. They're probably famous. What would you say? I don't know if they thought about this, but once I pop, I feel I just can't stop. Do you think you'd get on with the Pringles man on the tub if he came to life? Oh,

What Pringles man? This is huge. Oh my God. I've never noticed. You've never noticed there's a man on the front of the tube? What the fuck? No. Oh, hold on. Sorry. I can't picture him. Don't show her. I can only see the tattoo land now. I want Joanne to describe what she thinks the Pringles man looks like. Oh,

I know him. I do know him. The Italian lad with the moustache. Yeah, I do know him. And do you know why? I don't know if he's specified as Italian. Yeah. I think you're thinking of lumping him in with Mario because of the moustache. He's got a hipster vibe, doesn't he? Yeah. He's got to bang a fixie bike off him. His name's Julius Pringles. You don't know that. That's true. You just made that up. That's true. Look it up. His name's Julius Pringles. They gave him a first name. Yeah, yeah. It's Pringles or Pringle, but it's Julius. Definitely Julius. Yeah.

I think we have talked about it on the podcast before. Yeah. Does he have like a date of birth and a start? He doesn't even have a body. I actually own a pair of Pringles sent me a pair of Crocs. They did a collab with Crocs. And they were like, do you want a pair? And I was like, yeah, I do. Yeah. And they arrived and they're two different colours, which I thought was a mistake, but it's not. Apparently that's the vibe. One's red and one's green and one's blue.

and then he's like stuck on them like charms like there's like a Pringle coming like you know they're very Teemu but they're very comfortable there's a specific name for those things you put on Crocs aren't there charms Croc charms no they're called like widgets or something I think are they there's a specific name for the things you put on Crocs yeah I've never heard of this no yeah

I didn't even know there was things you could put on Crocs. I didn't know that was a thing. Huge in Japan and like flying out over here now as well. It's charms is what I thought they were called. But anyway, you knew Pringles was called gibbets. Gibbets. Gibbets. Gibbets. Well, I should know that because I've been wearing gibbets around the house for about three months. Yeah.

So you got some Pringles in a bowl, you got some Tato's in a bowl. You got some wheelies. Yeah, hot lips. Some hot lips. Some, yeah, Tato's.

Chili crisps, anything chili, sweet chili. Yeah, anything, all of it. And a huge... Am I getting ahead of myself? No, what? And a huge Pinot Grigio. Ice cold. Yeah, huge. Huge. We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses. No. You can pair every course with a drink if you want. So Pinot, Pinophile specifically refers to Pinot Grigio. Yes. The Grigio.

Yeah. I feel like you should do a bit at the top just explaining that just in case any Pinot Noir fans turn up. There's a bit of no Pinot Noir. Fine, I won't come to your show. It's not our vibe. What about Pinot Grigio do you love so much? The taste. LAUGHTER

Like I'm not going to sit here and say I know anything about its legs or citrusy smells. I just love the taste of it. But it has to be ice cold. Like I don't really complain because about stuff because I wouldn't really like I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there. I don't really care. I really don't.

But the only thing I will send back is if the wine's not warm. Sorry, if the wine's not cold enough, I will send that back. I'm like, I'm practically a sommelier. I'm like, that's kind of room temperature. And then they'll give me another one. It should really be closer to room temperature than you think. If you want to taste it properly. Yeah, but listen, I'm just on a course of wheelies. Ha ha ha!

I clearly don't get a shit, you know what I mean? Are you, so obviously when you did the last show, the Prosecco sold very well with the audience. Yeah. Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grigio industry? To raise awareness for Pinot Grigio? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To sell it as much as you did. You'd love to have your own line. I had a week with your tour manager because they replaced my tour manager for a week. Oh! And they were saying,

sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco yeah yeah yeah well I mean whose fault is that like if I was that venue I'd be like I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express like we would tell the venue in fairness to my agents they were ringing because I would I would get annoyed then because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going they're out of Prosecco they're out of glasses and I'm like it's carnage out there

So I was saying to my agent, please ring ahead and make sure they know. And then they would ring ahead and the venue would be like, oh yeah, don't worry, it's all taken care of. And the same thing would happen again. I was like, don't underestimate those women. I think we broke the record in the Palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show. Yeah. Now I think someone's broken it since because that was maybe two years ago. Wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much. That wasn't ours.

It was mine. Thank you, dweebs. Keep coming to see us. Did it run out of Sajuka or something like that? We've also shared a tour manager in Australia. He took me around maybe a couple of weeks after. Oh, yeah. And he said, yeah, your audience, drink. Yeah. He said it'd be all these, like, he said all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening and then come out of the theatre looking the complete, just absolutely shit-faced.

I know, I love it so much. That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me. It's hard for me sometimes because I have to remind myself it's not my night out. Yeah. So I'm like, woo! Do you know what I mean? Like when I first started, like I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't, like a drink on stage is fine, but it's not my, it's not my night out. Like I'm actually there to work because sometimes they're, they just,

I don't know I just love that kind of girls night out vibe I just want to kind of crowd surf and get involved or when I do smaller shows I'd go out after I'd just go to wherever they were What's the audience? Yeah To party with the audience Yeah well like it's not like they were going out en masse but like if women would text and be like oh we're actually in the pub next door I'd be like okay

Are you going? Yeah, I'm going. Was it not weird? Were they not like, you know, talking to you about your comedy all the time and it was a bit of a divide? Not really. No, this was back, there were smaller rooms. Yeah. But no, it was just like, oh, there's Joanne. It was not real. There was no divide at all. Yeah, we just go and drink wine at the pub. Yeah, it was nice. But you can't keep that up, can you? Because how many dates did you do of that last show? I don't know. It's...

it's loads though isn't it it was a lot yeah yeah it was a fair it was two years yeah so that's shit loads that's shit loads that's yeah so at some stage I had to kind of be like okay this is a job now yeah you know can't be without drinking with the audience but I can tell you I Jesus I really I'm like really I can I can go yeah

I couldn't go. Even I was like, wow, I'm going again. It's crazy and I feel great. I love, because I love gigging so much. I love doing shows so much that like the balls of it, I would just go and I think there was only once or twice in the tour that I was like, I think I tried to change or reschedule a show because I was like, I really, I was like, you know yourself, 12 shows in a row. I don't think I can't.

and we didn't we never once changed anything I just kept doing them you know yourself the adrenaline you just kind of come alive oh so you're saying so sorry when you're saying like I can go I thought you meant you were drinking every night after the show I was yes that is actually what I meant that is what I meant yeah but

But then I just enjoy the show. I enjoy the buzz of doing a show so much. That you're able to then just like... Do you want to carry it on? Yeah, I still care. I have... I don't really get hangovers or anything. I don't know. I'm like a cockroach. It's weird.

But yeah, they get worse as you get older. I'm 41, James. I mean, you know what I mean? Bring me another argument. I didn't know you were 41. Yeah. Okay. Well, I can't tell you that. I just as a 40 year old told a 41 year old, hey, your hangover is going to get worse. Believe me.

It's weird. It's like, yeah, I don't know what it is. Is it a built up immunity? I don't know. There's very little consequences. Even, yeah, Irish drinker, we definitely have a rep for drinking. But like, even amongst my own people, I'm pretty, I can go. Yeah.

I don't know how else to describe it. Are you going to do your own pinot for this tour? Well, you'd love to. Imagine selling out of your own booze at every venue. But you know what the problem there is? Because I have someone who kind of, I don't, I'm no business savvy really at all. I'm just, I don't think about stuff like that.

But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine? And then I was like, oh, that's a great idea. It could taste like toilet talk. I wouldn't give a shit. Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it. Sure, they want to sell their own booze. Of course, yeah. Of course. You know what I mean? Imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flop my own booze. They'd be like, you cheap bastard. So no, no merch. But you could sell it to them, you know. To the venues? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

I'm sure. I'm sure there's a way of doing it. Yeah. This is me talking as if I have any business acumen whatsoever. They'll find a way of ripping you off. You can sell it on your website. Surely you can be selling booze. But like what calibre of wine? Well, it doesn't matter. You're putting ice in it anyway. Snoop Dogg is selling wine. You think that's great? Sorry, I don't put ice in wine. Okay, well, you're having it super cold. Super cold. Super cold. But I won't put ice in wine. I think it's a disgrace. Yeah. Oh, okay. Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick, my husband...

Mohammed. Yeah. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine? It was a prize task, wasn't it? I saw the whole series. It was a prize... Do you remember we had to do... We had to bring in something you can get into. So that could be like maybe a hobby or something. Obviously because I have no imagination brought in a sleeping bag. LAUGHTER

But it was designed like Tootin' Camus. That was kind of my thing. I was like, how cool would it be to get into Tootin' Camus' team? Anyway, Greg, wasn't it fun? Yeah, last one point. I think next was one point, to be fair. Thankfully.

He's like the sweetest man ever. And he's just so innocent or something. But he brought in the photo. And like bearing in mind, the production have to agree. Like I put in stuff that they were like, you know yourself, they're like, nah, that's not really going to work. So they obviously saw this and they were like, yeah, go for it. And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in it. And it came up on the screen and we were all like, what? And he's like, did you know you can add ice to wine? And we were just looking at him like, are you fucking on crack? Yeah.

He'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous. Someone had told him he could do it and he never knew it. He didn't think anyone else knew he could do it. It was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine. And he said it so proudly, didn't he? It was like he'd invented black

Jackals or something. He was like, did you know you could time travel? It was very funny. But no, I don't put ice in wine. Don't agree with this. When he was on this podcast, he said about putting a grape. Frozen grape, yeah. A frozen grape into a glass of... Lemonade. Lemonade or something. He calls it summer cocktail. Of course he does.

Your dream starter. Okay, so my dream starter will be a club sandwich. Lovely. Great. Ed finds that funny. I do. It's a sandwich. I love club sandwiches. One is the bacon, of course. Yes, of course. Because of the lemon paste. Yeah, downy bacon. It feels like it's not a club sandwich anymore to me. It's a chicken sandwich. Yeah.

Yeah, chicken salad sandwich. But I guess you've got the three layers. Yeah, and the toasty bit in the middle. Yeah. And then again, let's add loads of salt. Mayo. Loads of mayo. It's basically, it's mayo with a side of sandwich. That's what I would say. I think it's a myth, but, oh, it might not be, but club is supposed to stand for chicken and lettuce under bacon, but I think it might have been disproved. So I have a clu. So you have a clu. I have a clu. Yeah. Yeah, I have a huge clu. Yeah. Yeah.

It's my favourite meal. And chips. Yeah. Yeah. The chips in the middle. Chips in the middle. There is something about when you're travelling abroad, especially for work, if you get there late to a hotel or something, there's always a club sandwich on room service menus. You can't really go wrong. Yeah. You can't go wrong with a club sandwich or a club sandwich. Stop being my starter. And again, a huge...

Pinot still? Pinot, yeah. So another Pinot. Yeah, James, another. So it's not a different drink. I went on a while, I was in Cape Town in January and we did this wine tasting event and I was like, can I get a glass of wine? They're like, the wine tasting is starting and I was like, yeah. They're like, okay. While they were lining up the other wine. Cleansing your palate. Yeah, cleansing my palate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, by the way, no one's allowed in the restaurant. Tell me what the ingredients of anything. I can't bear it. I don't care. You don't know what's in there. I don't care. I don't care. And they fucking clog up the whole thing telling you what the... I don't care. And it's in the fancy restaurants where they're serving you foam. Yeah.

Yeah, they're pointing at it and stuff. And you're like, I do not care. What do you do in that situation? If you are in a fancy restaurant and the waiter comes over and he's like doing a long spiel about what... I have to live. What can you do? You can't just smack him off. You have to listen to him. It's like a one man show. You're like, oh my God. Because I don't care. I'm just like, it's just all fishy foam. It's all foam really, isn't it? I think there's a way of doing it where you could be like... That's enough now. I know you have to do this.

but I really don't care so you can go and take the next couple of minutes off but then I think they take that personally yeah like when I was we went to this really fancy restaurant in Cape Town because one of the lads I was there his boyfriend wanted to go and he's a real foodie and me and his boyfriend aren't so we just were like just whatever and we didn't care

But like the staff, it was obvious that it bothered them. Like they wanted the ceremony of ding, ding, ding. They, you know, they stood at the top of the table and they pointed. It's like, you know, when you're on an airplane and they start sending you instructions through the tannoy and you can't understand a fucking word. It's just like white noise. That's what I hear when there's someone at the top of the table telling me what's in the food. Yeah.

And then it comes out and you're like, all that for something the size of a Tic Tac. How are there more than two ingredients even in it? Yeah. Yeah. So it's wasted on me. So I don't want anyone interrupting telling me what's in the meals. What about someone telling you about the wine? So pouring you a glass of wine and then telling you about the producer and the climate and the vintage. How do you feel about that? What do you think?

I'd imagine you hate it, right? Couldn't give a shit. I know because I sound so low rent, but I am. I think I get it because you just want to have, eat the nice thing or whatever. If I had one day left on earth, you'd find me under the top in a Wetherspoons, just like, do you know what I mean? Trying to get paid for 20 quid. I just love it. Do you have a particular Pinot Grigio that you love, that's your go-to to buy? Anything around the eight pound one. Yes.

No, I don't care. But there must have been one where you're like, this is... I wish I cared. I wish I cared. There's not one. I know there isn't one. There's not one that's amazing. Persisting, but... Do I never went, oh, this one. Even... I'm like, oh, let me taste it. And not for any of that reason, not for any sort of fancy wine reason, just to be like, I'll get that one again because I know I like it. I know, I like it. I like Barefoot. Okay, there you go. Which I think is kind of like the Alco pop of wine. I think it's like saying... That's corner shop wine. I'll pair my steak with a Blue Wicked steak.

I think it's pretty basic. I'm like, oh, barefoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's terrible. It's one of those things, it's like star signs. I wish I was more engaged. You wish you were more engaged in star signs? Yeah, I'd love to believe in it. Oh, yeah. I don't think it's the same thing. It's not the same. I mean, star signs aren't, I'm sorry, star signs are up for debate. But what people tell you is in the food is fact. Yeah.

I don't believe in this. According to you. I believe in this. I mean, so you say. Yeah, I just wish that, because I think, I know that like men certainly, I see a man at a, like the pride of a man at a barbecue or like women who kind of slave over meals and I just don't get it. It's like looking at, it's like trying to, you know, remember in that film with Robin Williams. Okay, here we go.

What happens in it? We'll try and guess it. Your man's great at maths. Yeah. Good will hunting. Good will hunting. Remember he's standing in front of the equation.

Remember, people can't solve it. That's like me with fear. I'm like, I don't get it. I know I need it and I do eat it. And I like what I eat, but I like... I completely... I was going to say I understand. I sympathise with that viewpoint. Yeah. But it is the opposite of mine. And then when some people go over the top, I'm like, I think it's a bit wanky. I think they're being a bit pretentious with it. Yeah, I am. Yeah. You're so one of those. When they come out and they tell you what's in it and stuff.

People who, particularly, I've dated men before, they make it their identity. Now, I mean, what? Well, they start a podcast about it. Do you have a food podcast? No, not this one.

Joanne, where do you think you are? Jesus, that was... For the listener, I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke. And then when the penny dropped and Joanne realised what she had said, I was like, oh, that wasn't a joke. That's incredible. That was a genuine question to Ed. Do you have a food podcast? While we are discussing food on the podcast...

Oh my God. I think it was just the way you presented it. Yeah. That I thought it was something you were doing on your own. No, no, no. And since James is here, I just, and Benito, I lost track. Of course this is a food podcast. This is more like a restaurant podcast though. Sure, sure. I mean, what are restaurants if not

food related. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, fair enough. Oh God. So you've dated men who are upset making their identity. They make it their whole personality and that kind of annoys me. I'm like, get a hobby. Says you're one slamming the peanuts. I'm like, get a hobby. It's not like I'm doing anything interesting but still, I find they can be a little bit

much at times. I think, yeah, I think definitely if you're in a relationship or dating someone who is hyper into something you're not and they don't care that you're not into it but they want to tell you about it all the time and push that upon you and use it as a way of showing off their intellect or whatever. It's very... There's something snobby about it. Yes. Yeah, they're snobby about it. And obviously with my palate...

It's just never going to work. Yeah. You know? Fair enough. Yeah. They're making French onion soup and all. I'm like, I'm not here for that. You know what's in it. Does it annoy you in the title of what's in it is in the title of the dish? As soon as they've said, I'll make you some French onion soup. Don't give me the whole spiel. Just say it's brown soup. You know I just want a cup of soup. With a bunch of fake croutons.

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Your dream main course. Okay, so keeping with the immature palate. Now, I love warm, reassuring food. And I have to say, this is just my dream meal. Like I do eat like other things. This is just if I could. I would love, I love two minute noodles. Yeah. I love, are you laughing at me now? No, no. You're probably an eight minute noodle man, are you? Something fancy. Are you a ramen man? Yeah.

I love a two minute noodle. It's two minutes, you're in and out. And I love potato waffles. And what I would imagine in my dream restaurant, you know those sushi boats that you get in Asian restaurants? Yes. If I had a boat made out of potato waffles and then inside it was filled with the two minute noodles, it would not be delicious. So good. Yeah. And it's floating in a bowl of butter. It would not be gorgeous. Yeah. And the anchor was a goujon. Yeah.

It has to be an anchor. It would just float away. Yeah. It would be out the door. Yeah. Yeah, it wouldn't stay, exactly. You need to keep it still. It's like an eater. That would be my dream dinner. Two minute noodles, as in, is that a specific brand that you like? Any of them. Or is it just like a pot noodle? No, no, no, no, not the pot noodles. No. The packets of them. The pot noodles wouldn't do it for me now. Which I'm glad to say I have some standards for.

Like the square. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like come with the flavouring seasoning. They are great. Aren't they? They're so good. They're so good. And I actually checked at one stage, there's no nutritional value in them at all. But like, whatever, we're out. It's the weekend. Yeah. And I'd have them, but the waffles would have to be obviously a little cold just to keep them in shape or whatever. And then maybe a Pringle is the sale. That's good. That'd be cute, wouldn't it? Yeah. How big is the waffle boat?

And how many packs of two-minute noodles do you reckon you'd need to fill the waffle boat? And then, warning, there's going to be some maths involved after this.

I didn't think actually I never thought about whether I'm on my own or not yeah yeah for your dream meal who do you want there I can't imagine you wanting it on your own because you're a social person you love you drink with your audience I eat on my own a lot I eat on my own a lot oh do you yeah yous can come yous can come thank you okay and my mum just the four of us yeah wow will we get on with your mum ah yeah yeah she's saying she'll like her what's she like sorry Ben I don't know if you're what your plans are don't you yeah

I didn't mean to. He'll bring it down. He'll bring the vibe down. He'll bring the vibe down. Yeah, you don't say much, so I'm not sure what you'd bring to the table. Not much fun. So you're not involved in the waffle boat. You've been sent back to shore. So the waffle boat, well, it would have to be something quite remarkable, really, wouldn't it? And pushed out. On a trip. No, someone would have to push it out. Like, as in it would be kind of quite the...

What would I say? What am I trying to think of? When you look at something, it's a spectacle. Yes. Yeah. I'd want the whole, do you know the way in restaurants and they bring out the hot meat platter and there's like, it's all fizzing and there's fire coming off the sparklers. That's what I'd want really. Is it sailing to the table? Is there like a river of butter that leads to the table? Well, now you're talking. Feels like it should really. Oh my God, yeah, I didn't think of that. The river of butter like leads out of the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't think of that. Like a sushi conveyor belt, but it's a river of butter. Oh!

Yes. But then you'd have to get the goujon anchor and anchor it yourself. Oh yeah, that's nice. A bit of exercise. Get my steps up. Put the chow down on 60 kilos of potato waffles. Yeah, no, I could do that. That's a really good idea. That's a spectacle, isn't it? Is there a particular flavour of the noodles that you want? The chicken ones. Yeah, chicken ones. Or curry. I like them both.

I mean, you've got so many packets in there, you could have a mix. Chicken curry. And just also, that whole meal would cost about £6. Yeah, yeah. I'm bringing value here as well. I guess the construction of the Butter River. My mum would do that. Yeah.

Someone's got to build a waffle boat. I mean, that's what we cuffed them, mate. My mum would do that. How many packets, though? Because do you want us to boil them all at the same time so it's two minutes across the board? Yeah. Or are we doing them one after the other in the same, like...

No, because... And then it's going to take ages. No, no, no. We'd have to do them at the same time. Otherwise, you're mixing al dente tuna noodles with much softer tuna. They'd go cold. Yeah. So we're going to have to have a lot of pots on the boil. Yeah. It'd be quite... It'd be like a Challenge Annika kind of thing. Yeah. And there'd be like timers and stuff. But we're not involved in that. That's all behind the scenes. Yeah. Is Annika doing it? Ann, your mum? Yeah.

I think it's, remember she used to drop out of like planes and helicopters. Running the whole time. Running all the time. Yeah. In those incredibly tight pants. I think it would become like an old school comedy sketch where it's like, who's doing the noodles? Rice. No. I said the noodles. Rice is doing the noodles. Rice is on the noodles. Well, get them off the noodles. Then noodles from the offspring pops up. Did someone call for me? I'm doing the rice.

he's the guitarist yeah that'd be a good sketch Joanne yeah do you want the theme tune from Titanic playing when the boat comes out no we do something like fun like Vengaboys or something Vengabus is coming isn't that confusing though if you're playing the Vengabus is coming when the boat comes out yeah

It's only us four. Yeah, and we know what's going to happen, so that's fine. We've ordered it. We know what's coming. Down the border river. On the menu, it would have a picture of it. It feels like there would be a picture of it when you order it, right? 100%, yeah. And it would say, accompanied by the Vengabus is coming. So you know what's coming up. Or maybe you can choose the song you want. That's good. Yeah, that's now, we're adding a bit of...

There's a party vibe happening here now. Yeah. But you would select if the Wenger bus is coming? I think so, yeah. Something to kind of lift us after our club sandwiches. Because we'd be carved out of it. So we need to kind of... I mean, we're back off a potato waffle boat with noodles in it. I don't think the carbs are going away any time soon.

Yeah. And I'd like, because it's a dream meal and I don't smoke anymore, but for the evening that's in it, I would like one Marble Light indoors. Yeah. During the main course. Well, I don't know. I'm trying to decide where that would go. But I don't want to miss the music. Has the ship got a cannon and it just fires a cigarette into your mouth? LAUGHTER

No, don't be ridiculous. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Ridiculous. It's fantastical. No, I'd like a little Marble Light, but I would like it indoors, like old school, like 80s kind of vibes. It's great. Are we pairing a drink with the main course? We are. What would you like? I'd like a giant glass of Pinot Grigio.

I'm three down now, am I? Every time you order a new drink, do you spend the time being like, I wonder what I'm going to have now? And everyone's sat there going, we're not going to fucking have drinks. What? What?

What wines do you have? Is that in New Zealand? No one cares. No, do you know what actually, no, to spice it up because two large wines are enough for any woman really because then you start getting a little, you know, opinionated. We wouldn't want that to happen. And I just want everyone to enjoy themselves. I just want everyone to enjoy themselves.

So I'd move on. Do you know what drink I love? And I don't know, I've never paired it with a potato waffle boat before.

I love a Negroni. Yeah. This will calm those opinions down. I love a Negroni. Bit of class. Yeah, a little bit of class. Lovely, yeah, yeah. Bit of class, yeah. Negroni with a little umbrella in it. Yeah. Yeah, lovely. And a Ferrero Rocher is floating down the bottom. What? A Ferrero Rocher. A Ferrero Rocher in the drink? In the drink. I want to continue to lower the tone, I don't know. Or Frozen Haribo. So you put...

Well, you were worried there when you said Negroni. You were like, people are going to think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, what have I done? I'm just saying this for show. That's not what I want. Frozen Haribo. Do you never freeze your Haribo? No. Oh, I mean, that sounds genius. I love that. It's lovely. Yeah. I freeze most things. Like those naked bars. Oh, yeah? Freeze them as well. Great. Yeah. With the Haribo, you've just eaten them frozen. Wow. Yeah. They last for six times the amount. Like, they're chewy. They're delicious. Yeah.

I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast before, but we got sent a bunch of naked bars once when we were starting this podcast. So I had loads in the house. And the first time that my girlfriend came back to my flat in the morning, I had to leave really early. I said, help yourself to everything. Got loads of naked bars in there that need eating. If you want one of them, you just have a good quick breakfast or whatever. Got back. She'd gone. She'd left the naked bar wrapper on my pillow with a note because she didn't like the naked bar.

As a joke. Oh. But when she left, she shut the front door. A breeze must have occurred that meant that the naked bar wrapper blew off the pillow, but the note remained. So I came back after the first night I'd spent with my girlfriend. This was the first intimate night. Yeah. To a note on my pillow that said...

Worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. Stop! That's not true! James! That is what happened. No! You're the only comic I know who that would have actually happened to and you've still not done it on a fucking tour. That's amazing! How are you not doing that? How are you not booking a gig in for tonight? That's so funny! It doesn't sound real. It doesn't sound real. It sounds too written. People don't care about that. No, they don't. Well, still, it's important to me that people know that that is what happened.

That's so funny. What else could I have put in my mouth? Have you not told me that before? I thought I had. I thought I might have told you that. Good for her. Good for her. It's nice to have opinions and give feedback. Sure. But I was like, well, I can't text her now. I don't know. I'd like to go on another date with her. Which is awesome. This seems a bit brutal. Because that's not going to happen again.

And I can't be shouldn't like naked bars. I horse those things. Yeah, I like them. I love them. I like them. Yeah, I love them as well. No, she wasn't. Have you had the, they do like chocolate covered ones now. Have you had those before? No. Yeah. They do like bigger sort of chocolate covered ones. I'm eating the, there's the, they do a protein one because as we know, protein is huge right now. Huge. And they say that like once you hit your forties, if you're not eating, I don't know.

60 kgs of protein a day you're going to fucking die of muscle atrophy or something it's all about protein now yeah yeah and lifting weights so I try to get my protein in wherever I go yeah yeah your dream side dish coleslaw by the way I just want to say there's no protein in this meal

There's a bit of chicken in the club sandwich. Sorry, I have to say, I've eaten 99 bites before. Chicken flavoured noodles. Chicken flavoured noodles, yeah. Come on. What are you talking about? Open your mind. A lot of protein.

I'll get an old fashioned is there an egg white in that would an egg white in an old fashioned yeah they do there you go no they don't it's whiskey sour you could get whiskey sour sorry you completely tricked me there yeah you agreed I did you were bored I assumed there was an egg white in that I pictured a whiskey sour I was like yep and then I was like no that's a Devin Brown trick you've done on me yeah coleslaw like I love the stuff how much coleslaw would you say you're eating day to day

Well, my mum, when she'd do the big shop at the weekend, she'd get, like when we were younger, she'd get one of those, you know, those like buckets of coleslaw, say on a Friday or Saturday to do the big shop. And by the Tuesday, Wednesday, it was gone. Amazing. Yeah. How many of you in the house? Well, I don't have it in the house now. I'd have it as a side for a sandwich, but like I only get the little tubs. Yeah, yeah. Or I'd like it, just find me in dead face down to see a coleslaw. Can't be trusted with the stuff. I love it. Is this coming on the side or is it going to be on the boat?

somehow as well. Well, that's a presentation issue, I guess. But do you want it on the boat? Well, you could maybe attach it and there come some dinghies, some little dinghies of coleslaw. Dinghies that all have coleslaw in them. Like a flotilla. Roped to the main vessel. Yeah, yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah. That'd be fun, wouldn't it? Does that mean the ship is sinking? They're having to escape? No, no, no, no. Why would the ship be sinking? Well, I don't think they're lifeboats ever deployed if it's not. It's not a lifeboat necessarily. I

I thought you said lifeboats. I said dinghy. Okay, so these are people just knocking about. Yeah, just like for presentations. There's the main waffle ship. That's the main event. And then the sides...

float down after oh do you know we'll put them in do you know those circular water rubber rings yeah put them in little but then they've got to go through there's no bottom to those the cold source is going to go straight straight through into the butter in the butter river do you know what we do to keep with the aqua theme I thought it was Vengaboys famously Ed aqua sang the Vengabus is coming as a tribute

Do you know what would be fun? Just fun now. To keep in with the aqua theme, the pool needles, I've always hollowed them out and put the coleslaw in there and then you have to blow it out into your plate. Right. Yeah. Revolted. Yeah. Awful. I can't believe I only cracked it this time. Yeah, that'd be fun. We'll just blow the coleslaw out via the pool needle onto the plate. I don't notice it. I'm smoking. I'm smoking somewhere in the corner. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're stepping away from the table to smoke? I wouldn't smoke at the table. I'm not a complete monster. Yeah. I'd just be watching it all, Ralph. Watching it all happen. While your mum blows coleslaw out of a straw onto her plate. Yeah. I'll be over in a bit, Mum. Just finishing my cig. Blow me out a coleslaw from that pool noodle. Okay, Joanne.

Splat. Splat. Everywhere. Fingerbuss blabbing out. Yeah, I mean, yeah. What's wrong with that sentence? Oh, nothing. I've just never heard it before. I think it'd be great. I'm having a ball. Yeah. It's a fun night. It's a fun night. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Undeniably fun. We're all having a nice evening. Benito's watching outside in the rain. Yeah.

His face pressed against the glass, can't come in. Chopsticks to eat the noodles? No, I'm not that talented. No, it'd have to be... You must have known the answer to that before you said it. I don't think I did. You're thinking hands. I'm thinking hands. Yeah, like quite Buddhist.

Yeah. Very Buddhist. That was terrible. That's what I think of when I think of you, I think of you as very Buddhist. Yeah. I actually can, I can use, I can use chopsticks if, like in an emergency, like if there's nothing else, but I don't find it the easiest.

No, we'd all have a ladle each. Yeah. That's normal, isn't it? To ladle noodles into your mouth? Yeah, ladles normal. Yeah, ladles normal. Yeah, ladles normal. And it kind of flashes. Well, it depends what you're using it for. Flashes. Are we using the ladles to eat? Are we going ladle to mouth? Are we ladling the noodles onto the plate? Yeah. Okay, so I'd say ladling noodles into your mouth isn't normal. Yeah.

So it doesn't mean you can't do it for your dream meal. Exactly. I'd like the sense of camaraderie. Yeah. Camaraderie that we're all just getting stuck in. And you can ladle butter out on top as well. Yeah, and no one's worried about germs or anything like that. We're just at one. Yeah. Oh,

I think if you're eating noodles out of a waffle boat, you're probably not concerned. Yeah. But straight to the mouth. Especially out of a butter river that ran out of the kitchen and onto the table. Yeah. And we're just really connected. Blowing coleslaw out of a pool noodle doesn't feel COVID safe. No.

None of this would be taking place in 2021. Yeah. No, but it's fine now. It's like we're just all, we're just really like together. No one cares about that kind of thing. Yeah. And is there a drink paired with the side dish or? With the coleslaw. Yeah. And like using it as a mixer. No, I'm not saying you have to put the coleslaw in a drink.

I just mean that for every course so far, you've had a drink as well. I don't know if you also want to drink during this course. You've obviously got a Negroni going on with the main. It's got Ferrero Rocher's in it. It's got Haribo, frozen Haribo. So I don't know if you also want some when your side dish comes out. And is the sparkly water gone? That's still there if you want it. That's on tap. That's always going to be there. Do you know what I'll have at this point in the evening? Because I'm probably a bit lethargic with the...

food so I'd have maybe a little round of shots yeah

And we're back in the game now. What shots are you talking? I'd let people choose and then I'd order tequilas for everyone. Tequila. And then you'd the sense of occasion you're doing the salt and the... That's fun. James is playing footsie with me. I just played footsie with Ed. Tequila. Yeah, that's the tequila cooking in. We're all getting a little gamey now. Everyone's getting a little squidgy. Yeah, I do shots. I was about to ask you if there's a particular tequila that you like. But I suspect I know the answer to this. I don't. No. No.

There's one that comes in a skull, which is really cool. Yeah. Have you seen that one? No, I know the Vulcan that comes in a skull. Yeah. But...

Crystal Head. Crystal Head. That's the one. But there might be a Tequila as well. Do you know whose company that is? Crystal Head? No. It's not Kendall Jenner. Doesn't Kendall Jenner have a Tequila company? She's a Tequila brand. A lot of people have Tequila companies now, right? Tequila's huge in America. They love it over there. Does Clooney have a Tequila company? Yeah, The Rock's got one. The Rock's got one. The Breaking Bad Boys have got a Mezcal company. Mm-hmm.

Kylie Minogue has a wine. Graham Norton has a wine. Gary Barlow has a wine. He sent me a box. I'm not hitting him personally, but I got a box of Gary Barlow's wines the other day. They were lovely. Were they? Yeah. I've heard they're actually pretty good. And people love that Kylie Rose as well. Yeah. You need to get on this. This is when the pinot, come on. I know.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I drank so much Prosecco during Prosecco Express that I've lost the taste for it now. Do you know, I find it triggering. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like it's gone, even the smell of it now and all, I'm like, no, no, no. I've moved on, I've evolved. It's like when you hear music,

from a playlist that you're doing a show of now and you're just like oh god your stomach just starts tying up I find apparently smells and music are like the biggest triggers for memory so if I smell like Tommy Girl or anything from the 90s or 90s it's like wow

you're straight back drinking and feels with your friends like it's so strong the memories that it brings back yeah I love how anything you smell takes you back to a time when you were drinking I just heard that but like we were all drinking that's when we were do you know what I did once oh my god and I know it sounded like a complete piss out like I don't drink all the time but I'm but

I heard that little growl. One time my mum, so when we were younger, you'd make dolly mixtures out of like whatever was in your parents' drinks cabinet. You know what a dolly mixture is, don't you? Well, I thought I did. And then you carried on talking. What do you call a dolly mixture? It's the sweets. No, no, no, no, no. In Ireland, they call it a dolly mixture. So you'd open the drinks cabinet and like whatever was there, you just like mix.

Like whatever you could get away with. That's a very cute name for something that is... Could kill you. Yeah, atrocious. Yeah, I know. Wow. A Donny mixture, we call it. A Donny mixture with everything in the cabinet. Anything and everything. Like a shot of each? Yeah, because you couldn't... Whatever you could get away with so it didn't look like the level had gone down. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So you'd have like a bit of absinthe, a bit of creme, like you'd creme de la... The crap that they weren't drinking anyway, right? Exactly, some brandy, whatever. And then you'd go out and get absolutely walked out of your face.

Yeah. It's called childhood. Anyway. Childhood. One time. James, it's called childhood. Look it up. Childhood.

It's called memories. Well, no, it's not. It's called blackouts. Teenage blackouts. So my mum was out and I was in a rush and there was no... I had to like, you know, take the dolly mixture. When the opportunity presents itself, you take the dolly mixture. You might even be going out for three days, but you take it and you store it. And I had no plastic bottle. I had no drinks bottle to store it in. I had no vehicle for it. And my mum had just come back from Lourdes and she brought back this huge...

Oh yeah, I know. Isn't it so bad? This huge Holy Mary virgin statue full of holy water that she'd bought like in Lourdes and like got blessed with it and she'd flown it back. And I fucking, didn't I toss out the holy water and fill the whole thing up with Dottie Mixter? Yeah. I dragged it out at the weekend. And they didn't, the thing. I think it's quite appropriate we're sat in a circle for this story. LAUGHTER

The crown was the lid, the little blue crown. I love that you were like, I've got to get the levels perfect on all the booze so my mum doesn't realise any of it's gone. But you're happy to completely pour away all the holy water. I'll steal her fate. Yeah. Yeah, well, she'll open that down the line. Yeah,

It'll be empty. Miracle. Yeah, exactly. Stinks of fucking brandy. Stinks of every booze I've ever had. She used to drink vodka now. But then the Mary thing, she turned up in one of the girls' back gardens because we were drinking down like in the local estate. And she faced down in the mud. She was like, oh my God, you're not going to believe it. Yeah, so she actually came back like a little boomerang. But my mum didn't notice for ages that she was gone. Did you get it back? She didn't take it back. You didn't drink it and then take the Mary back. No, I lost it down the field. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So is that what you're having for this course? Dolly mixture? I'm lost now. No, where did that come from? Oh, tequila shots. Tequila shots, yeah. So we're having tequila shots. We're having tequila shots because you guys are getting a little quiet and I can feel your fading a bit. Yeah, so I'm like, all right, come on, get the shots in.

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Your dream drink. This is now your dream drink. Number one. So far we've had two large glasses of Pinot. Yeah. The Grige. Two large Pinots. You've had a Negroni. A Negroni with frozen agarwood and a Ferrero Rocher. And we've had a tequila shot. So what's your dream drink now? Pfft.

How are you opinion wise? Because you're opinionated with the Grige. Yeah. And then you've calmed yourself down with the... It might be time. I was going to say it might be time to have a little Robinson's, but it's not. Fuck it, we're out now. I was going to try and have something like a green tea just to save face. Yeah. But I'm not going to. But then that would go down on record as your dream drink. Yeah. No one would believe that. Is it back on the Grige? Yeah.

I mean, the Grigio is my dream. It is my dream drink. But if I've had two huge ones at this stage, do you know what? Just for, can I give two answers? Yes. Technically, Pinot Grigio is my favourite drink. I also like a gin and slim, but if there was a gun to my head, it would be Pinot. And if there was no gun to my head, it would still be Pinot. But what I think at this stage in the evening, I could do with something to kind of up

my game a little bit and I do enjoy an espresso martini this is the point of the evening for an espresso martini yeah I think it is I think you know we've let you pair each course with a drink I think the same should go for the drinks course yeah so you've got your espresso martini but we'll also pair that with a pinot grigio oh yeah great yeah I wasn't sure I was allowed to do that but that sounds gorgeous yeah I need

If I'm there by this point I'd eat an espresso martini because this has been carb overload. Oh, big time. I'm shit-faced. I'm out smoking. I'm all in the dealer. I'm like, these guys need to wake up. Mum's covered us all in mayonnaise. I've accidentally sucked in on my pool noodle. I'm choking to death on coleslaw. Yeah.

We need smelling salts. That's what we need. Yeah. To shake shit up. Yeah. So yeah, espresso martini. I think so, yeah. Ed had espresso martinis at his wedding. I did. They're lovely. But you can only, there's only so many you can have, I find. Like, do you not find that you can kind of... Seven or eight, yeah. Did you have seven or eight? No, I think I had three. I think three is probably my top limit. But that was, they came out at like 10 o'clock at the wedding, which is a perfect time for them to come out. We arrive at your dream dessert. Well, well, well.

So I thought maybe again adding to just like I like presentation, sense of occasion that I would have and we've gone loud and colourful. Yeah. So I would love because there's no budget here I can do. There's no budget. No budget. Put that out of your mind. Yeah.

Put that out of your mind. There's no budget. There's no budget here, which is great. There's no, well, there's no budget, but you've already insisted your mum make the potato boat. Yeah, because I was worried I didn't want to go over budget. There's no budget. A lot of labour from your mum has gone into this. Yeah. Didn't necessarily need to. Yeah, and a lot of styrofoam. Yeah. Yeah.

the council on idols I think I would I was thinking about like a dessert trolley and I was like no no no no why settle for a trolley and I would love the dessert I would love to choose from a selection of desserts and I'd love Tom Hardy laughing

Well, how much is he? Huh? There's no budget. There's no budget. I'm sure he does corporates. I'm sure he does corporates. I don't think Tom Hardy does corporates. I think he does corporates. I don't think he's the type who does corporates. Okay, one of the lads from Magic Mike. But hang on, why don't you just have Tom Hardy? You can have whoever you want. No, I'm not.

It doesn't matter if they do corpets or not. Yeah, no, I'll have Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. I want Tom Hardy cycling out. You know those tuk-tuks in London with all the fur on them and stuff? Playing really loud music. Yeah, Tina Turner. I want one of them coming out. And then Tom is driving it. And maybe there's like a sidecar full of desserts.

Yeah. So is he, because you went in the Magic Mike direction, is he topless? He's topless. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't going to say that. Jeans on? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not in like pants. No, he's in jeans. He's in jeans, but like he's topless. Yeah, so he will be, he will have no top on, but that's with his full consent. Yes. That's the way he said that maybe last time. Yeah, he will have no top on. Yeah, you said it like it was a hugely professional thing that you were talking about. Like a very, the whole thing was professional. He will have, he will be topless. Yeah. And maybe for fun. This isn't fun yet? No.

Tom Hardy, topless, driving a tuk-tuk around. Yeah, with a sidecar of desserts. For some reason it's a tuk-tuk even though there's no one sitting in the back. We need to make this more fun. How are we going to jazz this up? It's very po-faced. Sorry, Joanne, please. Maybe something, maybe something waterproof and then he swims back up the Butter River.

when he's leaving yeah so he drops off the desserts and then he takes us through the options yeah oh so you don't mind it when Tom Hardy does it oh yeah suddenly and like there are only macaroons and all so he's not gonna do you know what I mean he's not gonna bang on about it for fucking two days it's a quick description

So yeah, take us through what's in the sidecar. So there'd be macaroons. Yeah. Yeah. Think very much like hen party desserts. Okay. I'd let me some French fancies. Some gelato. Yeah. With some choices of different types of gelato. I like choice. Yeah. I like

Oh, I love a profiterole. Yeah. And some chocolate biscuit cake. Chocolate biscuit cake? I don't think I've had chocolate biscuit cake. It obviously sounds brilliant. It's really good. I mean, is it a cake or is it a biscuit? It's a biscuit. I believe, for tax reasons.

Wasn't there that huge debate? Wasn't a Jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit? And what was it in the end? A cake. Yeah. No, this is very much, this is hardcore biscuit. Right. Yeah. I used to make them in school and then sell them in the locker room. Is it like the crushed up biscuits with chocolate poured in and you just put it in the fridge, right? That's it. And you can add marshmallows if you want. I love that stuff. They're so good. So you get biscuits, you crush them up. Yeah. You glue them back together with melted chocolate.

throw in a couple of marshmallows and then you send them at school after you've had them in the fridge overnight or let them freeze yeah or in the freezer yeah you can put other chocolate bars in them as well and stuff you can do like bits of Mars bar and they're gorgeous yeah great yeah really good so then you've a choice of selection and again there's like a bit of chat and it's a bit of a there's camaraderie

in choosing and we can discuss it. No, I think it'd be really good fun. How long is Tom Hardy hanging around before he swims back up the Butter River? Depends on his fees, really. I mean, again, cannot emphasise this enough. No one is paying for this. It's a fantasy. James is a genie. James is a genie in there. A genie who can make any of it happen for you. I don't want him to stay longer than he feels like he wants to, but I'm not going to ask him to leave. Yeah.

It's hard, though, to magic on him that he wants to, but he can leave when he likes. Because essentially, if

If we didn't make it that he wants to, he's not showing up to this. There's no way Tom Hardy's taken this gig of his own free will. So we have to, I have to use, I have to use my... What, James? What are you on about? You haven't shown him the menu yet. Yeah. He doesn't know anything about the Waffle House, the Butter River. He's here as a worker. Yeah. He's an employee. You're so classist. You said the guests were us two and your fucking mum. I'm not that eat.

It was us two and your mum. They're the only people that you said were going to be there eating. If I had to have my top off, I don't want to eat that many carbs. No. He's not touching that. He's not touching it. There's a stage about to pop up now that you're about to get on it. Yeah, that's the problem. We've realised that Joanne now has ultimate control and we are there.

I'd just make a strip and I'd throw out Kinder Bueno. It'd actually be great crack. Happy to. Yeah. Why not? I think that'd actually be good for my self-esteem. Yeah. Little Kinder Eggs. Yeah. I can get chocolate for it, don't me. Yeah. It'd be lovely. So Tom's there. He's taking us through the desserts. We're picking a little... Is he doing a lap around? Are you getting in the tuk-tuk and he does a little lap around the room? No. The fact that...

I hadn't thought about that actually. It's a great idea. It's a really good idea. Because otherwise, why is there a sidecar of desserts? They should just be in the main carriage of the tuk-tuk. But like, if the main carriage is just completely empty. But no, because when you, when the tuk-tuk, when the tuk-tuks drive past you...

in their day to day before they turn into dessert cards at night you don't see what's in the back it's kind of hidden whereas I would like the more kind of the presentation of maybe he drives out and there's a big kind of the front of the I know sorry

Take it all back. Okay. Tom Hardy, penny farthing bike. So he's very tall as he arrives out. Yeah. And he's pushing on the front a kind of a stage of desserts. Okay. So I'm guessing he's like, when I picture him on a penny farthing bike, I'm imagining him as Bronson in the film Bronson. Or in Peaky Blinders. Or in Peaky Blinders. I know that reference. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So sort of looking old, oldie, wellie, Victorian sort of. One of those little old man baseball caps. He's got no topper. And he's topless. But that's his choice. I was like, Tom, do what you want. No, this is your, it's his choice. It is all coming from you. No, I think that that's what Tom wants. Okay. He just doesn't know yet that that's what he wants. Oh. Yeah, he doesn't know yet. Is he getting off the penny farthing to show you the desserts or is he just staying up there and shouting down what? No, no, no. He's coming down. He's hanging out like, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no point having Tom there and paying those fees if you're not going to. Yeah.

have him engaged with you in some way. Literally, we're not paying him. Like, no one needs to pay him. And then he swims down the Butter River once he's all done. I just think it's... If he wants to make an exit, I think no harm. It seems... Well, he can't take the... He can't cycle the thing. He has to leave the penny for everything that's deserved by fair. So that we can keep going if we so wish. We will. We will. We will wish. We will wish. And then I just think it would be a nice kind of finale to the evening if Tom Hardy is...

doing some sort of little breaststroke back up the Butter River and we're waving. We wave at him. I believe so. Yeah, wave him along. I do, I believe so. And then the Vengabus music kind of slowly starts building again. So he swims out to the Vengaboys. It starts building slowly. So he starts swimming and as he's swimming, he's like... Yeah. Or maybe it's something more epic. Maybe it's something from the Miserable. It gets louder and louder. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I like that vibe. Yeah.

And then there's confetti. Yeah. You know, one of the Venga boys has had loads of problems with dolphins. I got told that when I was on Nevermind the Buzzcocks. What do you mean? That like one of them like has repeatedly been attacked by dolphins in his life. What? To the point where it's a, it's an issue.

Surely one dolphin attack is enough to step away from... Yeah, the sea. The sea. Yeah. Well, you would think so. They're very persistent dolphins, apparently. The whales were kind of... Let me see. Let me see. Why are you recycling stuff you did on Nevermind the Buzzcon? I didn't do it. I got told it. Greg Davis told it to me. You know he has a C3 toaster. I assume a researcher told Greg. That's where I heard about the C3 toaster. Greg Davis has a C3 toaster. There you go. There you go. That's a flex. Yeah, that's a big flex. That's a big flex.

So one assault. Well, Robin Paws shared a bizarre behind-the-scenes moment. He's assaulted by a horny dolphin. That's what it says here in the news. In the news?

The dolphin. Yes, that's my story. Yes, I had an encounter with a dolphin. That would be Tom Hardy writing about me. There are some inappropriate things that have happened. Robin, while shooting a music video on a tropical island in the Caribbean, was sexually assaulted by a dolphin. Very horny dolphins. LAUGHTER

This is what it says. I'm just reading it verbatim. I've heard this about dolphins before, that they are very horny and very persistent with tourists. But how would you know? How can you tell the difference between a dolphin coming on to you and a dolphin kind of starting on you? The dick. Yeah, I guess. The massive dick. Like, is that a thing? Do they get erections and stuff? They get boners, yeah. Do they? Yeah, yeah. And it affects their swimming like a rudder. Shut up. That cannot be true. They start going the wrong direction. Yeah.

They can't help it. Backwards and all. It's amazing. I'm going to read your menu to you now, see how you feel about it. Okay. You would like sparkling water. Yes. You want loads of crisps before the meal. Tatoes, banshee bones, wheelies, pringles, hot lips, hunky-dories, and a huge pinot grigio with all those crisps. Ice cold. Yeah. Ice cold. Club sandwich with no bacon. Mm-hmm. Uh...

a Clue sandwich with another Pinot Grigio ice cold for your starter. Main course, you want a potato waffle boat full of two-minute noodles floating in a river of butter with a goujon anchor and a Pringle sail. And you would like to pair that with a Negroni with some frozen ham and bone Ferrero Rocher in it. Delish. Side dish, coleslaw, which you will be blowing onto your plate using pool noodles. Yeah.

And you'll get everyone a round of tequila shots. Drink, you would like an espresso martini. You're going to pair that with another pinot grigio, ice cold. Dessert is Tom Hardy, topless on a penny farthing with a sidecar of desserts, including macaroons, French fancies, gelato. You like choice. You want those are different options there. Profiteroles and chocolate biscuit cake. And then he swims away up the river. Sorry, no, but is that not a banging night out? I mean, it'd be a good night out. Yeah. Come on, no. A good night out. Yeah. Definitely a memorable night out. Yeah.

I'd enjoy that. I mean, you couldn't with your diabetes. I could give it a go. Could you? I could give it a go. I mean, I'm not even saying it would be a lot of admin. People with diabetes can eat whatever they like. Thanks, Dave. You know my mother, well, you don't know, but I don't know. So, my mother's there. My mother was the head of the diabetic unit in a hospital in Dublin. Really? Yeah, she was a diabetic nurse. Oh, there you go. Yeah, she's always testing. So, she can look out for me? Exactly. Yeah. She can give you CPR if you need. Did

Did you see the footage raising up the rat giving the other rat CPR? Did you see this? It was going around the internet. Swear to God, in a lab. It wasn't John. I swear to God. It wasn't doing CPR. He was resuscitating. He wasn't resuscitating the other rat. He pulled your man's tongue out of his mouth. Look, I'll show you. You're mad. You're mad. Is there Wi-Fi in here? A rat giving another rat CPR. Google it there. He pulled the tongue out of his mouth and gave it CPR. He pulled the tongue out of his mouth.

it's come up from a rat resuscitates rat well I'm pretty sure he's googling rat resuscitates rat he has googled it and it has come up with a scene from Dr. Dolittle are you sure you haven't seen a scene from Dr. Dolittle and you think it is a real thing have you seen that video of the rat who can control the chef that's crazy

I'm going to get this. I'm going to get this. Yeah. And he pulls his tongue out of his mouth and all. Yeah. To unblock his airway. Tell

telling you yeah oh you're gonna be so sorry I'm not gonna be sorry I'll be very happy to see it staying alive I read it on science weekly science weekly you can't just make up a newspaper where is it then where's this video hold on a second I'll get it Benita's found it I think Joanne's taken a while to find this video because she's got two phones for some reason show empathy okay he's got it there yeah look there you go he's trying to fucking kill him

yeah well for a start they're mice yeah that's a mouse but it doesn't look like he is resuscitating it that is just that bit that they're showing oh no maybe they are rats because they've just gone with mouse to mouse resuscitation which you can't ignore that I mean the animal isn't important the point is that they are I'm not sure that's trying to resuscitate it I think we're putting I believe it is I think he's

eating its tongue. The scientist who made the meme is highly respected. Highly respected in this field.

He says. Yeah. He's resuscitating them. Yeah. And I choose to believe in science, James. Yeah, that's true, actually. Why wouldn't you believe the research, James? Do you know what I mean? Do the work. Yeah. I think only if he did save his life, which obviously doesn't happen in the video. Can you say it was trying to resuscitate it? Otherwise, I think it's eating its tongue. Well, there was something going on. Yeah. Yes. So that's a better lead in. Have you seen that video with T-Rex where something's going on?

Can we all agree something's going on here? Yes. Yes, we can. He pulls his tongue out to unblock his airways. It's crazy. But is it to unblock its airways or is it, I'm going to get this tongue, I can't wait to eat it. Pull that out the mouth and then it just gets stuck in, gnawing the tongue off. If you can't trust the Daily Mail, who can you trust? So true. You know? So true. And on that note, thank you so much, Joanne, for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you, Joanne.

What an episode, James. I feel pissed talking about booze that much. I feel absolutely hammered, man. I'm going to be hung over tomorrow thanks to that chat.

Joanne was absolutely great thank you so much to her for coming on and of course she did not say poutine the only alcohol that wasn't mentioned in the podcast I was ready I thought here we go oh Benito just received an email for the Tom Hardy film Havoc there we go Netflix have let him know that it's on free advertising there for Netflix his film Havoc is about when he got hired to ride on a penny farthing with a dessert trolley into Joanne's restaurant yeah I would watch that film yeah so would I

Do go and see Joanne on tour. She's on tour now. The show is called Penophile and we know that she is that.

Yes, and it's going to be a hilarious show. Get yourself along to it. It's going to sell out pretty quickly, I'd say. I believe so. Thanks for a lovely series, of course. That was the last one in the series, James. Yes, thank you if you've listened to all the episodes. Thank you. If you haven't, I know that you're going to go back and listen to them all. You've got to catch them all, man. We've had some crazy guests on this series, of course. Goldblum, De Niro. Who would have thought we'd be going, oh, do you remember when we had Jeff Goldblum and Robert De Niro? When...

Only, you know, a series or so ago, we had, like, Huge Davis. You're going to have to remind me who that is. Not familiar with that name. I don't really describe him. Yes. He's grumpy, sort of. Uh-huh. Okay. It's not humour as such. Okay. I'll get it. I'll get it. Hi, Huge. Hello, Huge. Are you going to put this in your little Instagram story now?

Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. Where you're sat on a train looking sad and this is playing. Yeah. Yeah. Pretending you're upset, but you're getting loads of views out of this, aren't you? Oh, I hope you love the views. Huge. I hope you delight in them. And this is cyberbullying, Biatch. Goodbye. Goodbye. G'day, America. It's Tony and Ryan from the Tony and Ryan podcast from Down Under. Today we want to talk to you about Boost Mobile, the newest 5G network in the country. These guys are not

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This is Paige, the co-host of Giggly Squad. I use Uber Eats for everything and I feel like people forget that you can truly order anything, especially living in New York City. It's why I love it. You can get Chinese food at any time of night, but it's not just for food. I order from CVS all the time. I'm always ordering from the grocery store. If a friend stops over, I have to order champagne.

I also have this thing that whenever I travel, if I'm ever in a hotel room, I never feel like I'm missing something because I'll just...

Uber Eats it. The amount of times I've had to Uber Eats hair items like hairspray, deodorant, you name it, I've ordered it on Uber Eats. You can get grocery, alcohol, everyday essentials in addition to restaurants and food you love. So in other words, get almost anything with Uber Eats. Order now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details.

Hello there Off Menu listeners. It's me Amy Gledhill and you might remember me from my episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you were in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No, nor the news. Our podcast is coming back

for series four. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast. No way. We're two northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like... Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. And we're joined by special correspondents every week like...

Like you one and only Ed Gamble, who you might have heard of. You remember him from this podcast, the one you're listening to now. Yeah. He hosts it. Yeah. He could co-host. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot I did as well. Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. That's Northern News, out every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.