Chris Fleming's Dramatic Turn
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- Those in the dumper like in Purple Rain. - What are those? - Dumper? - Dumpster. - Dumper, either. They ask you to do one of those early-- - Dumper Stumper with the big ass from Bambi.

Oh my god, Chris Fleming! Hi, Caleb. Hi, honey. Thank you so much for doing this. And please do figure out the mic. I'm treating it like an oil rig. You're like, oh, hey. Chris Fleming's physical comedy never stops. No, no, no. He couldn't if he tried. I asked for this vine. Can you make the mic wrap around like a vineyard? Sorry. Me being like, let's start. The mic's on the floor. Do you ever see footage?

That's great. That's great. Do you ever see footage of a podcast video and you're like, you're fully supine? Oh, as a fat person especially, I'm like, I'll see myself and I literally look like Jabba the Hutt, like chained up in the basement. I'm like, just slumped over. It's like FBI raid lighting for most of these podcasts. And I watch it back, I'm like, oh, is Cyndi Lauper doing podcasts now? Yeah.

Is that Molly Pitcher? Not Molly Pitcher. The biggest hit to my confidence is stand-up show photographers. They will take any chance they can to ruin you. And it's the most booming industry, I think, in LA right now. And everyone's got a style. 700. Oh, yeah. They're like, mine are pink. It's like everyone's got their own little take on it. And the lie of a stand-up photo is you can't tell if someone's bombing or not. No. Like, you don't.

they don't capture the crowd just totally sullen. And only physical comedians win at this game. I'm a guy who just stands up there and talks, and so I never win because all my stand-up voters are like...

You don't just stand up there and talk. You just... I'm pistol-whipping the audience with my intellect. You're fast. Chris, you are one of my favorite comedians in the whole world, and this is not just because you're on the pod. This is true. I tell everyone this. I'm such a huge fan of yours. I'm such a huge fan of yours. You hit high decibels in those rooms. Well, because I'm being really loud. No, no, no, no, no. You're getting in there. Yeah. Could you quiet down? You're saying I'm too rowdy of a comic? Yeah.

No, you're saying I'm killing? Yes. Chris. Yes. Stop. I've never seen you not kill. I am shocked that more people don't put us on shows together. There's a fear, I think, around you and I being on the same lineup. Too much power. It would be like that bumping mics thing. What? What are you talking about? What is that? It was handily the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It was...

I want to say Jeff Ross. It was some horrible looking people doing in the comedy. It wasn't even lit. And it's just them. And then when they like something that one said, they go, kaboom. And then they literally, this is real, right? This is a live show? They were like roasting each other. And when it was a good roast, they'd be like,

Then they hit the mics together. It was called Bumpin' Mics. And Robbie Pross said, yeah, let's put this on. Let me tell you something about roast comedy. Everyone involved should spend some time in prison.

Rose comedy to me is the most, it's the silliest. And then the way people perform being a good sport, where they're like, oh, he really, really got my dead mom on that one. I'm like, what are you doing? I know of a friendship that got ruined by a rose. And they both bombed. And they just, they tore each other apart. And then they went home and they like,

The story is like they were in the parking lot and they just went to their cars and they haven't talked. And they were like good friends. All for naught. All for naught. To do all of that and then bomb. Yeah. What a crazy, crazy thing. It's also a really indulgent thing. It's like roasts... Like a roast of Dean Martin or something when the world knows... It's like... It's a really aggrandizing way. It's like self-aggrandizing to be roasted. Yeah. It's like...

Oh, you guys know everything about me? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you've pegged all my little eccentricities? And it's just, we're just seeing these freaks from Austin that we have never heard about. Well, what's going on in Austin? Can we get the mics cut? Can we get the lights shut down? Oh, I mean, Cold Plunge, yeah, like the Cold Plunge community. Cold Plunge community.

It's like, first of all, it's such a great advertisement to not do something because they're all purple and they were not right in the eyes. It's like, at least the one thing, it's like, they're starting their day tricking their central nervous system into thinking that they've fallen through the ice and the idea to rot. And it's like, oh,

Oh, yeah, that kind of stress. That's great. And they're all the baldest people you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. You know who I want to imitate? The guy who looks half dead that just jumped in cold water to kick off his day because it wasn't enough to, like, read a good quote or something. Like, this is the only thing that can get me going is if my body is tricked into fearing death. Well, and because almost dying is a good – and not dying is great, right? That's like what – isn't that the whole ayahuasca thing? It's like that's like the best thing.

But it doesn't mean you should do it daily. And also what I think it's doing is I think it's really just like a search and rescue mission for a not yet expressed personality disorder, what a cold plunge is. Like, I think it's just going down and trying to, like, wake up a dormant schizophrenia. Trying to pull out that other character. Yeah. You've got Dr. Jekyll on the phone. Yes. Now can we get Mr. Hyde kind of ripped out of the cold waters? Yeah.

The depths of the Antarctic. That's all it is. That's all that is. What personality disorder do you think you're most likely to end up with? Oh. Me personally? Yeah. After a cold plunge? What would be ripped out of you? Voices. Voices? Oh, yeah. That clinical diagnosis that is voices. Oh, yeah. I'm hearing like my childhood best friend saying stuff to me. What's he saying? Well, my best friend growing up.

Incredibly charismatic little guy. And what he would do is, one time we spent about eight hours just walking around in the neighborhood and he just told me the whole plot of Fly Away Home. Okay.

Eight hours and he's just ripping through. And it's only like an hour and a half. That's kind of what I'm thinking. He must be going beat for beat through this thing. Yeah. And that was your best friend. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I still love him to this day. What would your personality disorder be? What would be ripped out of me in the cold plunge? Probably whatever was going on with Barry.

In the show Barry. I thought you meant Barry Katz. Barry Bonds. I would be an incredible baseball player. No, yeah, I think I would become like a contract killer. That kind of sociopathy would take me over and allow me to go to that place. Oh, you'd become a killer. Yeah, I would never kill for fun. I would kill because I've been trapped into it by a guy. I've never seen Barry just because I hate seeing dramatic turns. Okay, so you mean... Krasinski's is the one that really... That took an hour off of my sleep. When Krasinski went... It's like...

You have, let me, okay, let me point something out very early in the episode. Okay. You have no fear around naming names. You're just, you'll go on stage, you'll go on a podcast, and you'll say, John Krasinski's career, I lose sleep over. And this is a fear, you don't have this fear. Well, it's true. What am I supposed to say? Tell the truth? I can't not say that's the truth. Yeah. Dramatic turns, you know what's sick about me? I like them. Because I crave them. I want one. Yeah.

I want to be like a silly guy and then all of a sudden in like 2028 maybe, I want someone to tune in and they go, whoa. Well, you're doing The Matrix Reloaded, aren't you? No, even funnier. I'm having Lily Wachowski direct and Colin Trevorrow from Jurassic Movies produce my indie drama movie.

Which makes, I love them to death and I'm so grateful that they're doing it. But I do, there's been a couple people that go, is there going to be like lasers? Yeah, it's you on the spider. It's you on me fucking zipping through. The three-wheeler. Rolled up with goggles, Oakley's on. Yeah, buy that, die not. Yeah, this is the team I put together to do like the dramatic indie movie about my dad dying. Yeah, I remember talking to you

Right after you went there, I think, right? In the green room. We were doing something there. You were in a green room and you were like, I'm so happy to hear that your dad died. I've been waiting for you to be brought down a peg. That's what I think you said to me. Yeah, as in confidence. Well, that one shouldn't be said in public. No, no, no. Yeah, I had gone home to deal with that stuff. And literally just actually, I mean, my dad died two years ago. Just wrapped up the logistical stuff like a month or two ago.

It's so much paperwork. It's forms. It's like you have to get death certificates to prove that he's died. The body wasn't enough. You know, it's like you have to do all this crazy shit. If someone said you can have $2 million, but you have to fill out two forms, I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I can do one form. Yeah. Two forms.

Even DocuSign. Two forms of stone too far. And don't bring DocuSign to me, because guess what DocuSign is? It's terms and conditions. I'm not reading any of that. I'm going signature, signature, signature. And your signature is just the most pathetic italicized comic sans. It's just like what a hawk girl used to write in AIM. And it's legally binding. They're like, do you adopt this? I'm like, I guess. It's just my name typed slightly diagonal. It's a strip mall Italian restaurant font.

And they go, now you can't back out of this. This is a parmigiano. Do you want to try Nana's favorite pasta dish? And it's written out like that. Yeah. What's your favorite Italian? My favorite Italian? Food. Food, okay. I was going to go person. No, no. My favorite Italian food...

God, what do they even make over there? Oh, I don't think I'm going to say it right, but pasta alla matriciana. Do you know what I'm talking about? Qu'est-ce que c'est? Qu'est-ce que c'est? Okay, okay, okay. It's like a red sauce with... Chex mix? Yeah, it's puppy chow, but with oregano. Okay, yeah, yeah. No, it's like a red sauce with guanciale and onions.

And then usually I think they do it with like bucatini. See, I'm only aware of like the three staples. You were going to go with spaghetti. No, bolognese. Spaghetti bolognese. Yeah, spaghetti bolognese. Honestly, spaghetti stresses me out. Why is that? Do you cut it? I don't want to be like... Do you cut it? Because you know when you're eating it, I don't want to be like... Because you... They're like... They're foot-long pieces, right? They're like...

One time in college, I was so hungry, I ate raw spaghetti. You ate raw spaghetti? I went down in the night like a raccoon. I went... Was there no... It's like a Trader Joe's snack, honestly. Was there no water that you could boil it? I wasn't aware yet. This was freshman year. I wasn't aware! I didn't know. Cut that. Take this out. Cut, yeah. We're not filming, are we? Don't make me seem crazy on this pod. Is my leg been up?

This is so embarrassing. The leg's been up the whole time. My not tattooed legs? How humiliating. Do you not have tattoos on your legs? No, I'm not cool enough to have any tattoos. Really? The only two ideas for tattoos that I've ever had are a Sheltie, a Shetland sheepdog, and a bag of popcorn. Those are legitimately both incredible tattoos, specifically arm or thigh tattoos. Arm or thigh?

Like on the theme? You put a Shetland right there? Yeah. Beautiful. What about a Shetland with an arrow pointing up? Easily. You're kidding, but here I am being serious. Or pointing down. Either way is kind of sexy. Tiny little bag of popcorn right here on the arm. People would go feral for this. I might have to fuck you if you did that. Do you have any? I do. I have... Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Quite a few. Oh, my God. Only on my left arm so far, though. I haven't moved on. Those are beautiful. Thank you. There's a story for them all, Chris. Who is that? This is a cowgirl with hearts on her handkerchief. Yeah. That I just liked. This is the state flower of Missouri, a dogwood. Mm-hmm. This just says mama's boy for my mom. Yeah. This is a jester frog. Oh.

Oh my God, I love that. I knew that you would relate to him most. I knew that you would like him. Oh my God. That's my favorite one. That's literally a picture of me doing stand-up. That's you doing hell for Peacock live from the Dynasty Typewriter. That's me at the Elysian opening for a 21-year-old. Opening for someone who just blew up on TikTok. Yeah. Be like, Chris, I love your stuff. Could you come open? Who throws me in the dumpster? What?

Chris, I'm such a huge fan. Those in the dumper like in Purple Rain. What are those? Dumper? Dumpster. Dumper, either. They ask you to do one of those early... Dumper Stumper with a big ass from Bambi.

We lost. This is the risk of doing one on one off. You can't do one on one off with Chris. Those early when people have just blown up on the internet and they decide they're going to do stand up. So they do one of those lineups. That's like, here's 20 people I respect doing three minutes. Yeah. Those lineups are my favorite. That's what Nate Bargassi is doing. Is Nate doing that over there? He has like 30 openers. Does he? In arenas. What's he doing that for? I don't know. I don't know why he's doing it. Nate, answer for yourself. Have you been one yet?

No, you're not a, you're not a Renee. Oh, no. No, they would hit me with the fire arrow from Breath of the Wild. I just got, you know who just asked me to open for him? I don't know if I'm allowed to say this or not, but Matteo Lane, and I love Matteo. Oh, killer. I adore Matteo. And great, great arms. Great body. Leads with the arms. Leads with the arms, and then you're surprised when the comedy's good because he's so hot. Yes. You're like, wait a minute. Do you ever see someone like that, and you go, I saw someone last night, and I'm like, ah.

New York comics, when they come here, and they just run laps around us. Oh, yeah, because they've been doing reps. Because they're doing nine shows a night on McDougal Street, you know, and they're so sharp. Yeah, they haven't spoken to their parents in years because their parents don't offer stage time. It's like New York comics are, I love many of them, sociopaths. They have no life. They're like...

They're like, yeah, sorry, I can't come to your birthday party. I have to do three midnight sets at the store. At Pret-a-Manger. Not the store, whatever, the cellar, whichever fucking one is over there. Do you ever do that places? No. No, me neither. No. I was asked to do the store recently, but I was out of town. Yeah. And then it never followed back. I think they said, how dare you? I saw you doing...

The Masonic Lodge for Netflix is a joke, which is why I said, yeah, I'll do the Masonic Lodge. Really? Yeah, you know when you see it, you're like, okay, that's cool. Chris. Seriously. Stop, you flatter me. Netflix is a joke, though, stresses me out. I think my nephew has a Netflix is a joke show. Yeah, everyone's doing one. Like after Matt Friend or something. Wait, before we go on, John, can we fix the curtain behind Chris? Could we make it a little bit worse?

Yeah, can we just split that as big as we can? No, I'm kidding. Can we just bring them together? There's an older woman who keeps popping her head out from behind here. She's pissed. She asked me not to have you on. Have you seen The Visit? The Visit? What is that? Okay, no one's talking about The Visit. It's M. Night Shyamalan. And look, I know M. Night Shyamalan is...

We don't indulge, right? Because it's like, oh, we jumped the shark. I watched this last night. You watched M. Night Shyamalan's The Visit last night. I have had chills since. You have to watch it, Caleb. It is the best concept I've ever seen in a movie. Is it new? I think. You don't know when it was made. It's exquisite. M. Night Shyamalan's The Visit. It seems like SpawnCon. Tell me about it. No, yeah, look directly into the camera. Spike the camera. It's two children.

It's two children visiting their grandparents for the first time. And that's all I'm going to say. What's not to love? And it's found footage. I'm telling you. Are you a horror person? Oh, I can do horror. I can do anything I set my mind to. You're making The Matrix reloaded. Of course you can. The, uh...

Horror for me, it's like taking my anxiety to the dog park. It gives it something that I, like, the only way that I can relax is through horror because it all, I can put it somewhere. It's like cocaine for people who need Ritalin. It's like, oh, all of a sudden I'm focused. I don't need to be at this party. I need to be doing homework. I have a theory about cocaine. Please do it. I think nerds are doing cocaine now. Coke is out. It's nerds. It's nerds now. Coke is for nerds now. It's like, you went to music school and you're doing cocaine? Genuine drug addicts do heroin now.

But genuine drug addicts are off coke. I will tell you that. I have noticed this. Thank you. Okay. And what's really scary is a lot of nerds are kind of taking over the zeitgeist. Now nerds are trying to tell us. There's two different schools of nerds, right? There's the school of nerds. Thank you. There's a school of nerds that wants to. Are you hearing an applause in your head? Yeah. There's a school of nerds. Thank you. Thank you.

I always, when I'm speaking, I always hear an audience affirming me. There's a school of nerds. Want me? Got me finished, y'all. Do you start to hear, when you're writing jokes, do you hear phantom laughs or not phantom laughs? I'm like, oh, that's not going to get a laugh. Oh, for sure. Yeah. More often than not, though, I hear the phantom laughs.

And the problem is, the problem is, it'll be on like a setup. Like I'm literally insane. Like I'll be writing a joke and I'll be like, I'm never going to see this coming. Yeah, it's like sick. For me, the setups are the punchline. Thank you. And that's because you're a true joke writer. What'd you say? You're a true joke writer. Oh, I thought you called me Scrooge something. I thought you were doing a play on the- You're Scrooge. It's because your ad was like, wow, we're going Christmas Carol right now?

Sorry, you were saying about... There's two schools of nerds. Okay, yes. There's nerds who want to be rock star cool guys, and so they're trying to do coke, and they think that's going to usher them into cooldom. Never going to work. You're still a nerd. And then there's this new age version of nerd coming out that is... They're all like cool kids on the internet that are like not having sex, drinking, or doing drugs. Their whole thing is like, I don't need to have casual sex. I don't need drugs and alcohol. Right, right. I'm like, okay. Whatever. Whatever.

I need casual sex, okay? Give me an example of this. I'll give you an example of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does it look like online? Specifically what it looks like online is the outrage on TikTok and Twitter, which I sometimes read or watch. I've been off kind of both for a little bit. I'm off. I'm not posting. I go and post my little – on Twitter, I just post show announcements and articles about me. That's it. I see really tragic things on Twitter. That's all I see. It's over. It's over. I can't do it.

Specifically, this is playing out in discourse about whether or not sex scenes should be in movies. Right. Have you seen any of this? Yes, I've seen that. Yes. Shut the fuck up. Of course. I'm like, what are you... Of course they need to fuck in movies. There needs to be more fucking in movies. There needs to be inappropriate fucking in movies. No more dialogue. Get rid of the... Why are these characters talking? They could be fucking... What do you think about the Florence Pugh sex scenes and not... I'm...

I've never said it out loud. Oppenheimer. I didn't watch it. Yeah. I didn't watch it. I saw it with my parents. Were they good? It's just like her character exists only in like a Radisson hotel. Like in like a... She doesn't exist. Like it's so Christopher Nolan. She only exists waiting for him in a Radisson. Yeah. She's just waiting on Godot. Like an egg sandwich. Yeah. And it's foolish. She just waits around to get fucked. Is that what's going on there? Yeah. And it drives...

I think it drives him insane. Is that right? Or vice versa? Yeah. Yeah. And somehow it... Now, who is she driving insane? Cillian Murphy? Yes. Okay. She's driving Mr. Oppen. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Crazy. I love her, but I have not seen that movie. Oh, I love her too. I love Florence Pugh. Oh my God. We had an incredible night in London. She and I. Tell me more. We have mutual friends. She came to... I was doing a run of shows in London. She came to two nights of my hour. Oh, you better believe it. The one where it's raked...

Up, the one that room, or the downstairs? I did the downstairs. Did you experience where they're like, it's silent in the nap, and you're like, that was the most bloody brilliant thing I've ever seen in my life. And we fucking loved it, mate. Yeah, one thing I experienced was they were so bizarre about ticket sales at this venue. They were like, I tried to get in last minute comps because Foreign's Pew wanted to come to the show, and they're like, we don't have room. And I was like, I can guarantee you we'll find room. I'm like, if I have last minute guests who want to come to the show. Well, there's like 30,000 employees, too, walking around. Yeah, they're milling. There's like a new president every night in the show.

There's like a culture of milling about. Yes. Yeah. I had the time of my life there. I love this. And they have a billboard of you up somehow like, yeah, like a full movie mural. Never happened in the States where I have like my biggest audience. But in London, they're like, I was getting across about in Australia. I went there and they thought I was way more successful than I am.

That's the beauty of going to other places they don't know. They're like, this is a big American comedians. Yeah. This is Louis C.K. When in reality, it's a Tumblr freak. This is Molly Pitcher. Pouring people margaritas on the battlefield. You remember Molly Pitcher? Who's Molly Pitcher? It's the second time you've referenced them. Civil War or something? Revolutionary War?

She's a war figure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring up a war figure? Yeah, in podcasts, I look like Molly Pitcher. I'm like, oh, I look good. And then I look, and it's Molly Pitcher doing an appearance. And the person you're referencing is a war figure. Yeah, so when people would get hurt, she would...

She would run around and pour drinks into their mouths. Her job was to give them beverages? I say margaritas. I don't think it was margaritas. I think it was virgin. She's a revolutionary war waitress? Yeah, yeah. She's a... Well, the way servers act these days, you'd think they were at war. You'd think they were on the battlefield, Chris, the way these people are acting. I gotta get out of here. Goddamn.

Molly Pitcher is the one thing that guys got going on and have always got going on. It's the power of the nickname. Dudes love a nickname. It's like spiders being born knowing how to make a web. Even the dumbest guys in high school were just savants at coming up with nicknames. They're on it. Did you have one?

Oh, phlegm and em. I had tons. Phlegm and em. Oh, yeah, tons. Will the real phlegm shady please stand up? Flamingo. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you? Oh, mine were all based around being fat, and I played football, so they were always like... You played football? Oh, yeah, third grade through ninth grade. See, you're a paradox, and this is why you got it going on. Come on, Chris.

Say more about me. Do you ever talk about that? It comes up from time to time. I played until my freshman year of high school, and then I had a knee injury, and so then I started doing other stuff. What was your knee injury? Meniscus? Something like that. The cartilage that is supposed to protect the calf bone from the thigh bone from rubbing against each other went away, and so my bones were snapping off at the end. I had to have surgery.

Yeah, it was crazy. I was 15. My mom was like, hey, maybe something else, maybe a new hobby. I was like, for sure. What did you do instead, theater? No, you would think, but I was trying to stay in the closet, so I was like, can't be just giving it away like that. So I did student government. Why buy the cow? When you can get the milk for free. Why buy the homosexual when you can get student council offices for free? Yeah, I did student government. Treasurer. Treasurer, naturally. Even worse, school spirit chair, multiple years running.

multiple years running. So you were dropping pajama day? Oh, I was dropping theme days. I was like having sit-downs with the principal about how we weren't going to behave at the game. You were warning that there was going to be a riot? I was literally like, just so you know, this one player on the other team, he recently lost his mom and some of the kids are making a chant about it. And the principal would be like, can you stop it? And I'd be like, I'm all over it, sir. It was a political office that I held. So you were not quite a narc.

Oh, I was an ARC. You better believe it. But every once in a while I would stick it to him and be like, students are going to do what the students want to do. You know?

But I was an informant for sure I worked both sides. I was double agent you were a rat I was a rat and I hate I hate that you've brought that Because you've always been very upstanding well one thing I do want to say about you earnestly you know I'm such a huge fan is I've always thought you were so funny and smart and brilliant and then I Wouldn't just when I thought I couldn't love you more you came out for blue lives matter recently I thought here's a guy

Who knows what's going on. Thanks, man. Thanks. I really appreciate that. I really appreciate you being earnest. Thanks, man. I'm a zero-issue voter. You're a zero-issue voter. You vote about nothing. Can we do some voicemails with Chris? Yeah.

Chris, we have voicemails from our listeners. Now, mind you, the podcast has not been released yet. So these are people just coming in. I looked for it and it's like a... Just an announcement with no episodes yet. There's no carbon footprint of this. Yeah, we try to... One thing about my career is I'm smart with keeping everything secret. I don't put things out. That's honestly so brilliant. Like the Prince Vault. All right, let's go. Oh yeah, the podcast. I don't let it...

Hey, we're wondering how do jellyfish reproduce? And we're also wondering what... Who do you want? And we also want to know about your music taste. Okay, this is Grace. And Alex. And we're signing off. Okay, bye, Pookie.

So one thing I just want to say about my fans, they are homosexual, they are drug addicts, and they are mentally ill. And so I don't know what combination was happening there. Well, it's clearly in like a foreclosed townhouse. There were like six people on all fours calling each other pookie.

It's clearly 3 a.m. that you got that. This is clearly all, they all have to report to Starbucks for work soon. Yeah, and they have a house full of jellyfish, and they want more. And they're like, they won't fuck. What's the aphrodisiac? We've been pissing on our, that's not it. Nothing. Nothing.

How do we get them horny? Caleb, help. I'll tell you. Planet Earth. Planet Earth. Turn it on. Watch them go. That's Jellyfish Softcore. Put on the deep sea and put on a little... Put on David Attenborough and watch those guys fuck. Say, hey, me and Jellyfish got a lot in common.

That's so true. Remember back in the day, Planet Earth was what you would put on. Planet Earth was the thing. You'd be like, oh, it's just something in the background. Why don't we just watch Planet Earth? Why don't we just watch Planet Earth? Come over, let's watch Planet Earth. It's so boring. I'll tell you one time I had a guy over. I was staying at an Airbnb and I had this guy over and I was like, you want to watch this nature documentary type thing? He was like, no, I've been to Earth.

He goes, not mind you. He came over to fuck. This is like why we're here. He goes, no, I've been really wanting to watch this Korean rom-com. It's in subtitles. And I was like, huh. Well, if you've been really wanting to watch it, maybe now's not the time to put it on. This is your summer reading. And we watched the whole thing. And I just kind of, I was inching closer. I was making moves. And then literally as soon as it was over, he was like, do you want to hook up? And I was like, no.

I did like two hours ago, but I just did like intense subtitle reading. I'm like tired. My friend just told me about someone brought him home.

after a fish cover band. He's a cover band fanatic. Yeah. And he, they were at this fish cover band. I know it smelled crazy in there. I know. And, and then, and she was like, you want to watch this fish documentary? Yeah. And then she was like, let's watch it in my bed. And then they just watched it in the bed and then he went home and it's like, this is what fish fans are doing. They're like evangelists. This is fish culture. This is fish culture. That's crazy. Inviting people into the bed after the, after they're already sold on fish and saying, let's,

Let's watch more fish. Get in bed. Let's watch Trey Anastasio rip for a little bit longer. The terror of jam bands. It never ends. Jam bands are one of the most horrifying cultures to me overall. Yeah, no time limit. They're scary. They're so scary. Those people are really willing to do anything to watch a guy play guitar for too long. They go to any length. With dirty glasses. Oh, boy. You know Trey hasn't washed those things since he got them at LensCrafters in 08. He hasn't washed those things.

Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Hold on, hold on. They asked about also taste in music. What is your taste in music? Who do you love? I like desperate synth. That's kind of what I love. You like a desperate synth. Yeah. I've been listening to a lot of gold frap recently. Spotify, Spotify, Spotify.

Spotify Discover Weekly has been putting some incredible stuff in my basket. Are they killing it for you? They're killing it for me. What are they giving you? They just gave me a song from a band, a British band called Prefab County or something. Okay. And it's called When Love Breaks Down. And I just loop songs. When love breaks down. Yeah. Did I kind of nail it? It's the least charismatic. This is so mean. I mean, this guy's still alive. I shouldn't say that. I got him.

He hasn't died since Spotify Weekly came out last week. But it's fun. I don't know. Yeah, I love, I mean, 80s stuff is kind of where I'm at right now. Yeah, you're big in that. Yeah. What do you like? I like all kinds of stuff. I'm just, I'm different like that. Oh my God. Muna. I love Muna. I saw you hitting the harmonies. Come on. You had a clear, clear.

Clear harmony. Had a vision. You worked so good. Had a vision. Doing that. That was at their Kansas City show. I hopped up on stage with them and did Silk. I watched that multiple times. It was very cool. That's the coolest shit. In Kansas City. Yeah, it was very cool. It was so sweet of them to ask. I love them so much. And I don't care that they're gay. I don't care about their pronouns or any of that. I think they're awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, with me, it's never a problem. I don't think they support the police enough. That's my one. You have said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, come out for our boys. Yeah. So...

Or at least just do one music video being cuffed. Because they always got the cars and they always got the feature act coming out of the back of the car. I just want to see one of them. Get cuffed. Get cuffed one time. What's it going to cost you? I mean, that music is car crash music. That's like, if you're listening too loud, you're going to roll that thing.

You're in some big trouble. You know that song? Stay Away? What do I think you're doing? You're doing like, we're having a good time. What is that song? Oh, Freddie Mercury. That's what I thought you were doing, but you're doing Stay Away by Moona? Well, what do you think about how, I think that there's a lot of, you know how every woman now has a tall, mustachioed boyfriend? Yeah.

in LA. During the pandemic, it was like salt and pepper fiancés. They're all gone, and now they have this mustachioed... I know that there's limited fashion choices for men, but I think that these guys do not deserve the mustache. A lot of these guys. Do you think you should be taking away the mustache? I think you need a little charisma if you're going to get a mustache. Yeah, and they're not carrying it for you. I mean, have you met these guys? I've met these. I know these guys intimately. They're some of my closest friends, because they're all producers.

So I try to stay on their good side. These guys make things happen in the industry, Chris. And I won't be crossing them. We have to cut all this. John Krasinski. John Krasinski makes things happen in the industry. John Krasinski was about to Skype me. You had a Skype meeting set up with him and then you blew it. Asking me to play his wench in Tom, what's it called? Tom Can Do It. What's his show? Tom Can Do It. Jack Reacher. No, no, no. He's Jack Ryan. Jack Ryan. Jack Ryan. Out of Riches.

Tom can do it. Okay, Tom can do it. In his show. What is it? David Goes the Distance? What is his show? Oh, Jack Reacher. Wait, do we have another one? I gotta get Chris's text on these. We didn't answer the jellyfish. You did. Oh, we did, okay. Oh, you big time did. Okay.

Hi, my name's Piper. I'm from Missouri, which is why you should answer my question. Thanks so much. A little entitlement. What I want to know the truth about is how the fuck do bridges work?

Sort of the kind of holding things up portion of how they work and also the kind of how are they installed portion of how they work. There's like a minute and a half left. I'm sick. We're halfway through. Bridges have feet, you know, and the feet kind of go into the water. But it's like, how did they put the feet there? This is the kind of question that could drive a man insane. Like, are they moving the water?

are they kind of just dunking the bridge? Like our lives are fucked now. Is it going brick by brick? Also, what does gravity have to do with it? Anyway, I've spent my entire life trying to figure it out and so far no dice. So hoping that maybe you could shed some light onto this very important topic. Thank you so much. First of all, those brick bridges you're always seeing. Oh yeah. Those brick bridges you're always seeing out and about. Yeah, across to grandmother's house. Laughter

I'll be honest, though. Piper's spitting because I don't fucking know. I don't know. No, I got a feeling of full body dread listening to Piper talk about that because it's something I don't want to think about. And now that that has been incepted, my mom actually has a fear of bridges. So does mine. I'm not kidding.

I'm not joking with you. My mom finally got on Sarkal. I hope you don't mind I spelled the T. She got on anxiety medication because of bridges. Chris, she's always had a fear of bridges, and one day she always had to cross a bridge to go to work. And one day she couldn't do it. She literally pulled over on the side of the road for two hours and was like, I can't cross the bridge. And the next day she was like, I'm getting on meds.

She's on the suspension bridge Lexapro does. It's the best thing that ever happened to her. That is, wow. I mean, I do think it's a sign of intelligence. It changed her life. I mean, we had tech ed in middle school, and we had to make suspension bridges, and obviously mine couldn't even handle the lightest of weight. Yeah, yours got blown over by a small breeze. It blew up. Yeah, it exploded. It blew up the whole town. Yeah.

My town is a sort of Chernobyl-esque site because I tried to build a bridge. Yeah, generations are ruined. You know when a house blows up in an action movie? Of course. Why is it just the house? What do you mean? You know how it's just the house that blows? Wouldn't it be smaller or bigger? It's just the house? What do you mean? You're expecting...

Do you think it would be like the ground as well? I don't... I mean, like, the blast radius is just perfectly the house. Like, do you know what I'm talking about? What are the odds that it would be like this? The blast is like a split... Exactly that of a split-level home in Lethal Weapon. Yeah. Just that piece of land. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, back to suspension bridges. How do you think they work? Piper...

Piper was talking about feet in the water, and that's where I started to get sick. Yeah. Because I don't know what she's talking about. That is where I saw it. I saw your stomach turn. You got queasy in that moment. Yeah. I'm going to cry. You're right, because that is so sad to think about. The bridge has feet in the water before the bricks. The feet sustain the bricks.

Yeah, I mean, Piper, look, to ask this to Caleb is such an imposition. Yeah, shoot it straight. Thank you. Stand up for me. To introduce this concept to us, like, obviously, we're not going to cross any bridges now. No. Like, I'm done with bridges. I'm done. And I actually love bridges. Yeah. But I'm done with them. One of the biggest things that ever happened to me was the Sixth Street Bridge in Los Angeles getting built.

To downtown? Oh, yeah. Downtown to Boyle Heights. Arch District of Boyle Heights. I was there for the grand opening. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. I crossed it. How close to the pig butcher is that? You know what I'm talking about? Pig butcher. You'd have to say more. I used to live in Boyle Heights. There's a pig farm on DTLA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lived in Boyle Heights for a second. There's a pig farm. Yeah. Did not know that. I would hear the screaming of the pigs. You trying to audition for a toothpaste commercial? Tell me more.

Just pigs howling in the background. Sorry, I'm in Boyle Heights, you guys. Chris Fleming, 6'2". My smile has never looked brighter with Colgate. Have you done a commercial? Yeah, I did a Tim and Eric, which is insulting to be cast in a Tim and Eric commercial because they're casting carnies. LAUGHTER

But I told myself, I'm like, "Nah, I'm in on it." I wasn't in on it. Tim was like, "Stick your tongue out, get on all fours." And it was for glue. It was... yeah.

You did a Tim and Eric commercial for glue? Yeah. It's like me and a bunch of... There was one lady called the Pink Lady, and she was probably 89. And she was dressed in all pink, and she would go everywhere with these suitcases that were seriously her height. Both pink. All pink. Yeah. Oh, my God. Did she have to get on all fours and stick her tongue out for glue as well? She didn't. They gave her a little more dignity than they gave me. Yeah.

Being on all fours is a young man's game. We're not going to put the pink lady through it. But Chris, we need you to crawl around. Yeah. Licking my lips. Chris, lick your lips. Lick your chops. Justin Carty's. I love Tim Heidecker. I can't believe he put you through that.

He's not right. You should call him out professionally in public. We talked about it. You talked afterwards? Yeah. Him being actually a good musician is a turn I don't. I can't respect. It's too much. He's like the most talented visionary person I can think of. It's fucked up. Yeah. He's probably the funniest actor I've ever seen in my life. Oh my God, dude. Yeah. Have you done commercials?

No, they won't allow me. I think I read that. They won't let me. They won't let me in the space. There is nowhere in this industry that they – now, they've allowed me to slip in a couple places. There's nowhere that they want a fat gay guy. You know what I mean? They're not like, please bring us a fat gay guy. You know what I mean? I sneak in a couple places. Yes.

When they leave the door open. When they leave the door open. If it's a big enough door. When they leave the door open, I get in there. But anytime they find out who I am, they go, wait, you're fat and gay? Get out of here. I'm glad that you feel... I feel like a... I just went to... We can talk about this after. This is an after thing? Yes. Okay, great. I love that. We'll talk about our status afterwards. Yeah, yeah. How did you end up in LA? Because you were talking about New York comics earlier, but I genuinely...

Everyone thinks I live in a cider mill in Rhode Island. How did you end up in LA? Yeah. A manager scouted me in Boston. Yes. This is the... Okay, please, yes. Tell the story because I saw a bit of this. And then she became a chef when I moved out here. So you were... I landed at LAX and I see her posting about shishimi peppers in Times Square. Well...

So you were doing comedy. Guess I'll be a tutor. You were doing comedy in Boston. She scouts you and tells you to move to LA. You do it. She promptly becomes a chef. Promptly. Exactly. Expeditiously enters the chef world. Immediately. What happens to you? What happens to you in those years? What year is this? What year did you find out about me? You? Oh, God. I was born in 95, and I think I became aware of your comedy in probably...

Sorry, that's a big question. 9-11 hadn't happened. I think I used to say it was 2000 that I became aware of you. Yeah, that's about right. No, I was just drowning out here. Like...

trying so hard to get booked on free shows. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what it was. Yeah. Sending Facebook messages trying to get booked on free shows. The era of starting comedy and just begging to do somebody's bar show that they're not even going to give you a drink ticket for. It's insane. Please. What did we think? Please. Please. I know I'm wretched. I need this. Just let me, just let me, give me five minutes. Please, if I can just do three. Please, I have a great new observational bit about.

About the police. About the police. They're not so bad. Give them a shot. Let them work. Yeah. Have you ever run your hand through the crew cut of a cop? I will say that killed at Stories Cafe, though. I saw you do that at Stories Cafe, the crew cut bit, and it killed. Yes, thank you. They love that at Good Heroin. At Good Heroin. They loved it. Outdoor shows, like...

I did a show at JFL Outdoors, and they were like, you're going to have fun, but you're not going to hear any of the laughs because the trees soak up all the laughs. Yeah. That was a direct quote. The trees are greedy in that way. They love the laughs. They need it. You can't have them. The trees need them, Chris. When did you move to LA? I moved to LA, and you're going to love this, June of 2020. Oh, my God. June. God.

COVID. So you knew the risks. COVID was well underway. And you took them. I moved to LA when COVID was raging. Yeah. You moved here when Trump got COVID. For sure. Yeah. When he tested positive, you got on a plane. I pulled into the city. The entire city is clouded in smoke because of the wildfires, right? We're wearing masks because of COVID. And then the- Cloth masks. Cloth masks. With sunflowers on them. Beautiful. Yeah. Gorgeous statement pieces. You know Zoom was the number one spread of COVID I just read? And FaceTime? Zoom. Zoom.

Zoom and FaceTime were the number one spreaders of COVID. Yeah, isn't that fucked up? Now, what do you mean by that? Imagine if Zoom was- They profited? No, no. Imagine if that's how you got, if we found out. It came through the screen. That's what was happening. Yeah. Did you have to do a Zoom holiday with your families? Oh, yeah. Oh, Easter, Zoom. I remember. Oh, God. Oh, God. We did a Zoom Thanksgiving once, and 15 minutes in, I was like, we didn't set an end time. That's right. We didn't set an end time. I don't know how to get off.

They think I can stay on all day. Someone had unlimited Zooms. Remember when it was 45 minutes? Oh, someone paid. Yeah. Someone paid. And I was like, we got to get off here. You were at Daddy Warbucks in the Zoom. Yeah. So someone in my rural Missouri family was like, we're going to pipe up for it. We're going to do it. John Edwards' hometown, right? John Edwards. Who was that? He was like a senator who cheated on his wife a couple times.

You're a hero. You love John Edwards. Well, I didn't like him until he did that. Right. And then you're like, hold on. This guy's got some points. Oh, because he's a Democrat. Yeah. Well, honey, he's a Democrat. I love them. What you're thinking about primarying Joe Biden.

Well, Obama and Biden are doing a Netflix is a joke bumping mics. Oh, sorry. It's Obama and GW, and they're doing it at Dynasty, and it's almost sold out. Bumping mics at Dynasty. Low ticket. Please go get them right now, you guys. I love the low ticket alert. Oh, low ticket alert. I think we should be able to do that, send it out like Amber Alert. Yeah.

Joe Biden. Low tickets! Joe Biden, low ticket, bumping mics. I'm not going to stress out about someone having low tickets. He would do Dynasty. He wouldn't do Masonic. Obama would do Elysian. Obama would do Elysian. Yeah. I heard the Obamas have single-use laptops. Like K-cups. They've got K-tops. They just...

Toss it. Get it out of here. Obama's bisexual reveal has been beautiful to me. Oh, I know. Him just over the course of decades coming out to us as bisexual to me has been so beautiful. He's the perfect bisexual guy, wife and kids. There were Easter eggs. Yeah, there were signs all along. Him singing Al Green at election events. I'm like, the way he was singing it was a little f***y. He was trying to tell us. Yeah.

And he would always, Mitski was always showing up on the lists, right? My favorite song of the year? Y'all guessed it. Once again, Mitski. Yeah, he loves her. A 45-minute song by Mitski. And then I go hang out with my wife and children. Yeah, on Martha's Vineyard. Vineyard.

He probably puts on a Ronald Reagan mask and sneaks into the back of the Mitski show. What do you think the Reagan mask... Mitski, can I hide in your piano during your set?

Chris, what do you think the Reagan mask would do for him? Why does that have to be Reagan? It's a disguise. No one would think it's Obama in the Reagan mask. He would pick a Democrat. Exactly. Right. That guy's got the shoulders of Obama. He's wearing a Reagan mask. He wears the tan suit. He gives himself away immediately. I've been thinking about the tan suit since you said bye, but it seemed too easy to say. Oh, my God. Remember how...

People were pissed, right? People were so mad. They were like, he's not presidential. He wore a tan suit. That's how averse we are to freaks in this country. Well, because he was wearing granny panties underneath. Yeah, that was one thing that clocked. That was the big, yeah. He was wearing pantaloons, those old school, like, puffy pantaloons. That Mr. Toad from Wind in the Willows wore? Yeah.

Just so he could upskirt when he was driving around town. I'm out of control! That's how he talks! Why would he talk like that? Oh, fuck! My pantaloons! It's all coming out! Oh my god. Wait, Chris, I have a question for you. Yep. Obviously we've had our fun here on the pod. Mm-hmm.

You're about to ask me to leave. You need a security issue. What is something that's so true to you? Okay. Now you know I have a million of these. Okay. Something that's so true to me. I mean, there's a couple things. Thank you. Fashion brand company is big bud for evil people. Okay. You have to. Okay, keep going. Is just apparel for people who are verified but shouldn't be.

You have to be, there's like 17 people, and I'm one of them. There's 17 people that it speaks to. Big Bud, you might have some latitude with, but fashion brand company, you are asking a lot of the listeners. I got more, I got more, I got more. And you're right, by the way. People always say that China sent TikTok to destroy this country. Yeah. I think the app, I think the most dangerous app development is close friends Instagram. How so? I think that whoever came up with it

It's some sick fucking Palo Alto roaming around his orange grove, just shooting oranges with a pistol. Yeah. Saying, how can I make high school truly unlivable? My promise to Mark Cuban or Mark, one of the Marks, that's a way to hurt billionaires.

You pretend to not know who was in charge. Oh, I thought Cindy Crawford owns that. I thought Cuban did. Yeah, one of the marks. He's going, I need to make good on my oath to make sure that no high schooler gets a night's sleep. Because imagine they're tossing and turning. Oh, did Catherine take me off Close Friends?

Maybe she hasn't posted in a while. If they had close friends when I was in high school, I would have enlisted in the army. I would have bought fatigues on ASOS and I would have showed up to Vietnam. This is 2005. I would have showed up to Vietnam and said, I'm here to help. Whatever you need.

ASOS. You would have bought fatigues on ASOS, showed up to Vietnam to serve. Are you using close friends on Instagram? Am I on yours? Yeah, you are. I'm on there. I only put pictures of my mastiff, and I haven't posted in a long time. We had something much worse when I was in high school. What's that? Yik Yak. Do you know about Yik Yak? What's Yik Yak? Yik Yak was designed by Al Qaeda to destroy...

It was a collab. Him and Chris D'Elia came together to make Yik Yak. Yik Yak was an anonymous social media. Was it based on location, guys? You can only do it in a certain mile distance. So people set up their hubs at their school, at their high school. Their hubs? They're like Yik Yak hub. And you would post, people would get on there and be like, there's no usernames. There's no IP tracking. Oh my God. And people would get on there and go,

Kaitlyn sucked Derek's dick behind the bowling alley last week. She's a huge whore. She's never going to heaven. And this is the kind of stuff they were doing on Yik Yak to the point where we had an assembly...

about Yik Yak, and they had the police come and lie to us. They had the police come to an assembly and they go, we have tracked all of the IP addresses. The police would never lie to you, Caleb. No. No, but you feel that way, Chris, but they did. Believe me. They said, we've tracked all the IP addresses and we know who's posting things on Yik Yak. And the air sucked. Oh, that's brilliant. Literally 300 teenagers just going...

What's the equivalent? That would be the equivalent would be when our texts leak, which everyone's texts are going to leak in a couple years. Yeah. They're going out. Yeah, yeah. And that's the only fear I think that I could imagine that is like that. Were you a poster? Oh, I was posted on Yik Yak, yeah. What were you saying on Yik Yak? I've never even heard the words Yik Yak. Yik Yak is real, dude. And I was going even further. I started – here's what happened.

Yik Yak came and went. Yeah. We were all still craving the gossip. When it says Yik Yak, I want something after. Like a don't talk back. I want a bass or a baritone. Yik Yak. And don't talk back. And look at my back. And look at my back knee. It's high school. And look at my back. Stacy's got back knee. Look at my back knee. I want my baby back. It's an implied knee.

- Yik Yak Knee. - Yeah, it's just there. - Yik Yak Knee. - We were still craving gossip after the, there was a vortex created a vacuum that existed after Yik Yak. So I was talking to a friend maybe two years ago and I said, do you remember when that horrible Twitter account popped up, CHS Confessions?

And my friend goes, yeah. And I go, that was horrible CHS confessions. They were saying awful things about people. Yeah. They were spreading rumors about teachers and students alike. Oh, CHS was your high school. CHS was my high school. Yeah. I said, can you believe. Caleb High School. Caleb High School, where I went. Yeah. I said, can you believe that someone did that? And my friend goes, Caleb, you ran that account. And I go, no, I didn't. And he goes, yes, you did. Do you remember? It started because. And then I go, by God, I did. Yeah.

And I had really rewritten. Yeah, you've got the killer gene. I had really rewritten in my head. Did I do that? I was literally like, CHS Confessions was horrible. Yeah, Dahmer had that. Yeah, Dahmer had that. Who did that? Did I fuck that school? No, no, no.

I did. I was just singing karaoke that night. Now, there was a committee of us. I think five or six of us ran CHS Confessions together. Now, that was revealed to me in my memory. It was a collab. It was a collab. You were the spirit week coordinator. I do remember we had a meeting when the cops also came to talk to us about CHS Confessions. I let the police get involved. The police were really present. There was one that hung out at the school. He was actually a pretty nice guy. They have dogs?

These are the yik-yak sniffing. They can tell whose phone has it. Whose Blackberry has yik-yak? What year was this? This is 1995.

Wait, you went to high school in 1995? No. Could you imagine? We've got social media and Blackberry somehow. I'm in this really advanced town in Missouri. You were born in 95. I went to high school. You're 28? I'm 29. Freshly. Barely. I went to high school. I graduated in 2013.

is my truth. You are a spring chicken, Cade. I'm the youngest they come. Yeah. But I'm an old soul, Chris. Not even 30? Not even 30. That is cool. I'm not planning on getting there either. You were in Jurassic Park at what?

I was young. I was young when I did 23 Seconds in the Jurassic World movie. That's all you need. That's all you need. Are you kidding? The checks come. I'll say, you get checks from movies like that. That seems kind of silly sometimes when I get things where I'm, I don't know if we need. You're a little bit on the executive side. You're like, I don't know if we need to pay Chris for that. Yeah.

I forgot I did that. Yeah. I don't think, I think you could easily get away with that. You could probably keep your 700 bucks. Yeah. Yeah, you don't need to send it my way. Get yourself some chicken parm. Get yourself some chicken parm from the strip mall Italian restaurant that does the DocuSign signatures. Yeah, yeah. Get over there. That's right. What do you think is so true?

What do I think is so true? What's on my mind right now about so true? You know what? I keep a little list and I'll read you one. How's that? I love notes. I love the notes app and mine are psychotic. Here's something true about me. Two years ago, I started, I remember doing it. I started an iPhone note called Beautiful Thoughts. Earnestly. Because I thought, I've been having a lot of beautiful thoughts. I should keep track of these. Checked in on it recently. Not a single entry. You know what? Okay.

That seems to me, Ben Franklin, to release his autobiography, he, like you writing Beautiful Thoughts, it's almost like you're anticipating dying and having someone find your phone. Yes. Like I would never talk to myself like that. Yeah, you wouldn't do it. That is such an awareness of the audience that's very brilliant and very young. And Ben Franklin did it for his autobiography because he thought it would be too vain to write an autobiography. So he tricked, he made it look like he was writing a letter to his son. And then he was like, you know, publish it. Really said it. Yeah. Put it out.

Oh, sorry, bro. If you want to hear that part, you're going to have to go to the Patreon. The link to that is in the description of this episode. And now back to the regular episode with Chris. Cinema. Yeah. Martin Scorsese wants what they have. Obviously, Scorsese's daughter made that. Scorsese, what's her name? Who was it? Like Katerina or something? I think Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci Scorsese. She Joe Pesci Scorsese. She Pesci. She Wolf. She Pesci.

Have you seen the new She-Pesci? Our two-prof name. Yeah. Are you writing on the new She-Pesci? I thought you were staffed on She-Pesci. You were EPing on She-Pesci, right? Yes. Yes, yes. That's so big. Congratulations. I remember when I used to EP. That was a really fun chapter. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Seriously, you're going to have so much fun doing that. I really love that for you. I really appreciate you saying that. Who would play Shepeshi? Shepeshi? Me in a wig. I'm always trying to cast myself. Whatever it takes. You're going to be in Trash Mountain, right? Or you can't reveal that. Oh, yeah. I wrote it. Star. Star, great. Number one on the call sheet, I think. I'm the lead character in it. Rachel said it. We're going to try it with her. We're going to run...

We're going to run with something different. We're going to do a rehearsal with her. Oh, the number of times I take something out for pitch or I'm having a general with someone and I'm talking about an idea that I had and they go, oh my God, when I've clearly written the main character for me. Of course. And they go, you should write like a really fun like number three or four for yourself. And I go, huh. We'd love to see you get slammed in a door. Yeah.

We would love if you could play like Brad Pitt's gay assistant. Oh, he would kill in the lead role for this. He would kill his 25-year-old gay man. If we could see you in a window in the background just going...

That's how Jonah Hill started out. Get back here. That's like a very Seth Rogen turn for you. I could see that. Remember how good Jonah Hill was in that? Wait. Oh my god, I forgot. That's the weird thing about things that pop so violently about when he was so mad at his surfer girlfriend. Oh my god.

Remember, it's like, it hits you so hard in the frontal lobe that then like... I forgot. I do think I've been wiped of that because I think things can be so top of mind for a day that then it's gone. It almost clears the hard drive. Yeah, forget it. It just wipes. Because these are not armored hard drives. These are not the Seagates. No. No. They harbor our minds. A little wind can kind of take out a couple gigabytes. Wipe some things out of there. Yeah. I'm counting on it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm counting on that being true. I need some things wiped out. Yeah. Chris, I have a game that I think you're going to do very well at. Here's the deal. Scrabble? We're going to play a full game of Scrabble right now on camera. I'm going to tell you 15 true or false statements. Oh, awesome. If you get more than 10 of them correct, 10 or more...

I am going to give you 50 US dollars, and that's a promise. There's a cash prize? There's a cash prize. I don't need a cash prize. No, it raises the stakes. This is for the pod. The fans want it. I would have worn a tie if I knew there was a cash prize. Okay, so I'm just as quick as you can. I'm just going to give you the statement. Wait, I'm sorry. So I say true or false? You say true or false. Okay. If you think it's true or false. Okay, pigs don't sweat. Come on!

You gotta go. That's a Bruce Springsteen song. You better go. Uh, true. It's true. The Massachusetts state bird is the red-capped chickadee. That is true. False. Black-capped chickadee. And you're not from Massachusetts at all, bitch! I just knew it was the little chubby one. Dolly Parton lost the Dolly Parton look-alike contest. Yes. True. Horses cannot breathe through their mouths.

Through their teeth? True. True. Barbara Walters was an elite level scuba diver. True. False. Cookie Monster's real name is Sid. False. True. Saturn is not technically a planet. False. False. The Buffalo Bills have won two Super Bowls. True. False. They've won zero. Let's not forget. The Empire State Building has its own zip code. No. True. Winston Churchill's mother was Irish. True. False. She was American. The shortest war in history lasted 38 minutes.

True. True. The big war. True. Michelangelo wrote a poem about how he hated painting the Sistine Chapel. True. True. Amazon's Alexa is named for a French queen. Amazon's Alexa is named for a French queen, Chris. False. False. Library of Alexandria. Woodrow Wilson's face was on the $100,000 bill. False. True. Kamala Harris has a degree in musical theater. True. False. How many did he get right? Seven. Oh, no.

I gotta go back to school. Chris isn't gonna make it. Carla Harris has a degree in musical theater. That's a good one. You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? That's a music, that's a BFA right there. No, you exist in the context. That's a BFA. Oh my God, that was so scary. I know, I know you like horror, so I wanted to ramp you up a little bit. No, I do like the adrenaline spike.

I think you saw how bad of a student I am. I'm such a bad student. You basically just did the SATs. What if I passed out on air? I feel like I'm going to pass out. That would be huge. We need a viral clip. Viral clips are everything now. You know that. Oh, my God. And whoever... They have these demented people clipping podcasts. Yeah. They're like, okay, but you're going to do a good job. You can tell. No, these guys are different. No, no, it's truly... But usually what comes out, it's like me sneezing blood. Ew. Ew.

It's me just like looking at my hand. I'm so glad you brought this up because it would actually be a huge help to me. You know, I don't really do front-facing videos or anything anymore, so I need these clips to go. Could you just give us a viral clip of some kind? Is there anything you have? Yeah. Do you have a stepladder? It would just really help. And a leader of Sprite. I need a stepladder, a leader of Sprite, and a katana. It's going to be 20 minutes.

Chris, thank you so much for coming on. Thanks so much for having me, Caleb. I am a huge fan of yours. Everybody should go watch Highline Peacock. Oh, thank you. And I'm a huge fan of yours. Everyone should go check out The Visit. I'm a huge fan of yours. Everyone should go check out M. Night Shyamalan's work. Truly, you've got to watch it. This loser has nothing on M. Night Shyamalan. My jaw dropped. I'm telling you, you've got to please watch it. Thank you so much, Chris. We love you. What's up, fans?

If you guys like the hilarious episode with Chris Fleming, one of my favorite comedians in the whole world, please go watch his special Hell on Peacock. He's just one of the funniest doing it. Go buy tickets to his stuff. But before you ever think about spending a dime on Chris's shit, come see me live. I'm playing New York City March 28th, Washington, D.C. March 29th, Philly March 30th, Chicago April 1st, Nashville April 5th, San Francisco April 9th.

Los Angeles. I'm at Largo on April 10th, which will be so special. All those shows are with my friend, Annie DeRusso, one of my favorite musicians in the whole world. We're doing a co-headlining tour. I'm going to do comedy. She's going to do music. We might kiss. I'm always teasing heterosexuality. I might finally get back into that. And May 6th, I'm playing Netflix is a joke fest at the Masonic Lodge.

um, in Hollywood forever cemetery in Los Angeles. And so it was Chris playing that venue at some point during the fest. Um, please go buy tickets and come see me live and go check out the Patreon. Um, the Patreon is for people who actually support me and love me and anyone who watches this stuff for free and doesn't pony up a little bit of cash. Uh, I don't see you getting past the gates of heaven. I see you being rejected back to hell. And that's just kind of my personal opinions on things. Okay. Love you guys so much. Ciao Bella.