Shelby Wolstein is On a Short Leash
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I would delete me being sort of cast out of my chosen profession. And so I would add to the record me having a job. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Shover!

Gaylorino. What is going on with you, brother? Holy fucking shit. How does it feel to be back behind two mics together? Two mics in the same room. Puss in the boob. It's Puss in the boob. Puss in the boob. Puss in the boob, back on the track. Keeping records reunion time. You guys are listening. You guys are listening to Keeping Records Reunion Time. I don't know if I can say that.

Legally? Can we say keeping it... Well, this is a... Jake, Amir, please. Jake, Amir, step out of the company Miata and chat with us for a second. Shelby, what have you been up to? I don't know. We haven't talked since the last episode. Yeah.

We actually can't joke about that. Here's the thing about Keeping Records fans. They are rabid and unstable. I love you guys so much. I love you guys more than life itself. You've got to relax. Caleb and I talk often about how you guys think that we hate each other. It's funny to an extent. It's like funny to like, like literally Keeping Records fans every day on my social media are like, and why aren't you behind a microphone with Shelby?

There's like 75 Keeping Records fans who would die for the idea that we are in drama with one another. And we are. And we are. Yeah, do you want to talk about our falling out? Is that how we should start off?

I guess Caleb and I were dating the same woman. Yeah. God, what was her name? Oh, Sofia Vergara. Sofia Vergara. We were both dating Sofia Vergara. And it was fun. It was fun. But then what happened was I was ready to propose. Yeah. And I was not. Yeah.

And yet he said I couldn't propose if we were going to be. It was like a whole thing. Yeah, we need to be on the same page or completely different pages. Then it was like we were different pages. Then we just didn't talk for a couple of years. We didn't talk for a couple of years. What has happened with you, girl? What is going on with your last couple of years, girlina?

Count those W's. Count those, stack those checks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's W nation over here. I keep, the joke to me was that our dads both died, but that in fact happened during the podcast. I was about to say, well, what's happened? My dad passed, but we talked about that with you guys. In fact, we did. We did that podcast episode. We did that episode.

We did that episode. Should we get back into it? Grief is... So grief can be so powerful. Grief takes many different forms. And by the way, it's not linear. But you're going to probably do a new podcast soon, right? Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. I'm really excited about it.

Well, we'll see. You guys, listen up when it happens. For real. Peep that announcement. No, for real, guys. When it happens. Peep that announcement when it happens. When it happens, and I want your ears and eyes on it. What's been on your record as of late? What's been on my record as of late? What are you listening to? What are you watching? What are you loving? What are you hating? I've been making a lot of playlists lately. Like, every two weeks, I'm like, new playlists. Yeah. Time. Yeah. I've been doing... Go ahead.

No, you. Well, I was just going to say, I've been doing an, last year I made a best of 2023 playlist at the end of the year. This year I'm doing my best of 2024 playlist as we go. Okay. So when I find a new release that I love, I'm adding it in there so at the end of the year I'll have a compilation. I think what I might end up doing at the end of the year is taking all of my

mini playlists. Yes. And just adding them all to one mass. And I think that's genius. We're doing the same thing effectively. Yeah. Except for right now, if I make it all into one big playlist, when I play it, I'm like, Oh, I've listened to the song 600 times this past three months. Yeah. And so instead I go, this one's wearing on me. Yeah. Or if I add it late into that playlist, I also added it to the next one. What are you loving? What's big on your mind right now? I've got some loves and some hates, but I want to know yours. You say yours first. My first, to give you some time. Yeah. Um,

Don't forget me by Maggie Rogers. Okay. Banger hit for me. I'm loving it. She put a little bit of Faith Hill in it. I'm enjoying it a lot. Both the new Waxahachie singles, Bored and Right Back to It with MJ Linderman. Loving. Hating. Here's something I want to say. And I love this girl to death and I know she's a listener. Kacey Musgraves. The latest single, Deeper Well.

Let's dig a little deeper into that well. The well could be deeper. The well could be deeper. Let's reach some more down there. Let's keep digging. It just has not been there for me since Golden Hour. Yeah, I didn't know. And you know what I'm scared of? I'm scared. I didn't know, girl. I'm scared because Golden Hour was so perfect that I'm scared, really scared for Chapel Roan right now.

Because I think Chapel Roan just put out a Golden Hour level of perfection album, and I'm worried about the next one. My mom famously has lesbian music taste. One of the most lesbian music ears I've ever seen. Is really loving Chapel right now. Yeah.

now. So Chapel girl, your time is now. You are up with Dykes. You're up and you're up with my mom. Yeah. But she's kind of the Puxatawney Phil of Dykes. Yeah. My mom's like, here's what's actually in for gays. It's crazy. I sent you the text that my mom sent me about. I said, you have lesbian music taste. And she was like, what am I supposed to listen to? She's in way. She's right. You're out. She was like, I'm sorry. What am I supposed to listen to? Kanye West? Well, it's like, I guess. I don't know. I love her.

Your mom is an icon to me. She likes, she likes Muna. She likes Chapel. She likes Tovelo. She likes. Is it Tovelo or is it Tuvelu? I think it's technically Tuvelu, but. Do we have to do that? I think that's kind of like when you say baguette, like croissant. It's like, no, it's Tovelo. Let's be fucking real. Do you know what my least favorite is? And it's Bon Iver, bitch. Not Bon Iver. Sorry. Bon Iver. It's like.

Bon Iver. I'm not a professor. Do you know what my least favorite? When I start wearing tweed, I'll say Bon Iver. My least favorite suburban white person trait is when they go, oh, we're just going to Target. Target. And they're not doing it like they think that's how it's pronounced. They think it's like cute. Cute. I hate it. I'm doing a little Target run. Just a little run to Target. You're going to Target. You're going to Target.

And by the way, it's way cool to go to Target. It's super cool. Go in there. We're sponsored by Target. We love that place. Free clap for the girlies. Target, we love what you're doing. Free clap for the girlies really upsets some people on the Keeping Records threads. We started really bleeping things out. We were bleeping everything we were saying, and the girls were not liking that. We're going to do that today.

No free clout for the girlies. No free clout. And what I'm loving right now is Dr. Pepper. Oh. Bleep. Bleep. I've been loving the soft drink Dr. Pepper. Bleep. I saw it. I guess we call it a meme these days. No. No.

I guess these days. I guess we're calling this a meme these days, but I saw something on the web. I was on the interwebs. I was surfing the web and I saw something that was like, someone said, I went to the Dr. Pepper factory and the weirdest part to me was that they didn't explain this. And it's a picture of just like a really deep hole in the ground. And.

That's the deeper well that they draw it from. I can't stop thinking about it because I'm like, I don't know if that was like, like not there and they're like, it's a different picture and they were doing a play on that. But the joke of the meme was someone going, that's where they keep him. So it's like the original joke itself. It was like, what is this? That's where they contain Dr. Pepper. I wish I had, I don't know how I would even find it on my phone, but I,

The hole is so much deeper than you think. It goes on forever. It's endless. It's an endless hole. It's an endless hole. Hey, I've had a few of those. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Shelby, don't leave. Yes. Ew. It goes so deep. Ew, we'll have to put that up over here. Ew. Yeah, it's unsettling.

I don't like it. It feels mystical as well. And why would they have a deep, deep, deep hole at Dr. Pepper Fact? Fact. At Doc Pep Fact. At DP Fact. At DPF. You know, I'd love to go down to DPF and check out the big holes. I would love to go to the DPF. Oh, sorry, dude. I can't hang out tonight. Me and the boys are going to DPF to check out the hole. God, the hole at DPF. It hits deaf. It hits deaf when you're at the hole at DPF.

There's nothing like cracking open a cold DP at the DPF. Right by the hole. Just gathering around the hole and being like...

Feet dangling into an endless hole. I think that's my biggest fear actually, it turns out. An endless hole? Feet dangling in. Feet dangling into it? Yeah. Okay. That's your deepest fear? I think. Well, I think you're probably... Dying alone. Oh. Have I told you recently that my new thing that I keep thinking about is like, if I died, obviously people would be sad. Me chief among them, yeah. I think a lot of our friends would be better off having to deal with the grief.

Hold on. I think our friends could learn a thing or two from losing me. I'm like, no, like there are some that would offer some perspective to our friends. I think there's some friends that would, the perspective would do wonders.

You, that is the most, that is the most like mom at the end of her rope thing to say. When I'm gone, then you'll all realize. It's not about like losing me. So like, it's not like my loss. It's like the loss of a loved one. A person clearly dealing with loss.

I think everyone in my friend group needs to go through something harrowing soon. Can't just keep being me and Caleb. I'm sick of knowing this feeling alone. I'm like, y'all gotta get to know it. I'm gonna clock out soon and y'all gonna learn. One of the top ten most concerning things you've ever said to me. I'm tired of knowing grief alone. I think my friends would benefit from me being gone. Anyway, there's a hole at the Dr. Pepper factory. I...

I don't have suicide in me. I couldn't do it. You really don't. I've tried. I've tried to pull it out of you. Yeah, I know. But I am like, wow. My life would, Shelby, my life would be measurably worse if you were gone. He says this after he moved away from LA. So you stick around. He's like, my life would be so much different if I couldn't see you every day. I am going to Kansas City for a month. Now, you're always invited to Kansas City. Don't play games on here. That's true. But when a girl's broke, a girl's broke.

What's up, y'all? A few quick things from me. I'm going on tour. I'll be in New York, D.C., Philly, Chicago, Nashville, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Dallas, Houston, and Fort Worth in the coming weeks. So please go get tickets and come see me live. If you're enjoying the podcast, there is so much more of it exclusively on Patreon, including monthly bonus episodes from me and additional segments with every guest. So go check that out if you want more So True. And finally, if you're enjoying the show, please tell your friends, subscribe everywhere, leave a five-star review and all that stuff. Okay.

Love ya. Ciao. Well, I am curious about how you're feeling about life. No, I want to live forever. I just think some people, I just think some people, you know. What do you think is the ideal age to go? Really? Actual ideal? Actual ideal. I mean, there's two options to take, right? It's like 100. Yeah. But then it's like, ugh, my body would feel horrible. I would never go that way, yeah. My body will feel bad by 80. Yeah. I think, look, it depends how much success I get. Okay. If I'm successful...

80. Okay. If I'm unsuccessful, 45. If I'm not having success by 45, honey, take it out. What are we doing? What, I'm just like sitting around? Please take me. I'm unemployed right now and I'm bored as fuck. You really are. I've been getting some phone calls. No, God, can't.

I laughed so hard at this. Caleb the other day, I texted him, was like, what are you doing today? And he sent me an itinerary of 15 different things. And he said, what are you doing? And I said, nothing. I have a haircut at 4.30. And he called me and he said, hey, are you okay?

I just, it was really sad to hear that you don't have anything going on right now. And it made me laugh. And I did see you that day. Yes. I saw you that day. I made time because I'm worried. You didn't make time for me. I made time. No. I cut out time for you. He went to the plans he already had in his schedule. I just happened to already be there. And I didn't cancel on those plans because I knew you'd be there. That's not how it happened. I cut out time for you and I'll never let you slide by again.

I'll never let you slide by into your depression. I'm going to bring you out of it every time. I'm not depressed. You're really not, but it is a fun bit. I'm not depressed. I'm vibing. You kind of are vibing. I'm vibing. I like the way you're dressing lately. I like your vibes lately. You're dating, which I like a lot. You're out. Shelby is a LA girlies. Do you want me to say guys too? What's up with that lately? Probably like.

No. We're cool. LA girlies. Shelby's on the prowl, so if you're a cool lesbian... She's on the prowl, she's hunting. Shelby's hunting prey. Shelby's at the bar, so she's hunting. Shelby's at the bar trying to pick up chicks aggressively. Shelby's been taking it a little too far lately. Shelby's got a problem. Shelby's in a bad space with it. Where are you going? This had a short leash. I went like this. I got a short leash.

We keep Shelby on short leash. I went, anyway. Slow-mo that. Stay in your place. Slow-mo that. Stay in your place. Shelby place. I do. There is. Sorry, John, because I am a toucher of this. Of this. Of this. Of nothing else.

I have a toucher of this. I don't touch people. I'm hunting girls, but I'm not going to touch them. Ew! Ew! Ew! I don't touch them. Hey, we have some fan voicemails for you. You want to do a couple? Yeah, are they addressing me by name? No, not these ones. No worries. But they're for you in spirit. Cool. We got two for you.

Something I want to know the truth about is insurrectionist Meemaw and kind of where she is today. You know, that lady, the old woman who was at the insurrection, she was, well, ultimately wearing a mask, which is a bit confusing considering where she was, and holding an American flag.

and she looks like, I mean, she's going to turn to dust in about 30 seconds. But I need to know who she is, how she got there, whose Meemaw is that, who brought her, why did they bring her? Certainly she was a liability to everything that was kind of going on. Did she get out? Is she in jail? No.

Is she still alive? Does she remember anything from that day? Was she conscious? The length of this is crazy. These are all the things that I really need to know about. I need someone to locate her and to kind of pass the mic to her so that she might tell her story or her POV, if you will, of January 6th and the events that transpired on that historic day.

Um, I know her to be modeling for the animators at Bob's burgers. She's working over there. I found an article during all that that said the, we tracked down Capitol Meemaw who was not actually at the Capitol. A January six photo of an older Trump supporter was actually taken in Topeka, Kansas, not at the scene of the mob riot in Washington DC. That was written by her family and her lawyer. Yeah, it is on BuzzFeed News. They were like, actually she's in Kansas. Yeah.

She's with her grandchildren, baking cookies. She hired a really good lawyer who was like, that looks a lot like the Capitol. Yeah. But if you actually, if you talk to everyone that she knows and that loves her, she was actually in Topeka, Kansas. She was at home in Topeka, Kansas. Oh, how many of you were in Topeka, Kansas? You were at January 6th. Well, it was a fun day with my friends. With your meemaw. Yes. That's your meemaw. Me and my grandma went. Yeah. Yeah. That's my grandma. We...

Have like a really complicated past, but we really, we didn't used to get along almost at all. And then once Trump took the presidency, we finally connected on something. Okay. Yeah. Cause we were like, this guy rocks. I forgot that about you. This guy's got some good ideas. What are you, by the way, better heart. What are you, um, moving off of insurrectionist me ma cause we have nothing for her.

We don't know the truth about her. She's in Topeka. There's nothing on her. What are you looking for in a lady? I'm trying to get you a girl from this. I'm back on that. I'm back on that. What do you need in a young woman? I don't know. I feel so stressed answering that. I can't. Putting it on the record. I can't stress enough how stressed I feel. What just like hair color? Any. Any? I think. I mean, like, let's not go green.

Hey, we'll see. We learned something from that. I do think when we're getting a little too wacky with the colors, I go, oh God, come on. Yeah. I think that shouldn't be part of the gay culture anymore. Bright hair, bright hair colors. Yeah, just be normal hair. I think when you're gay, you don't have to look worse. I think maybe

If they're out, they should look a little worse. And I don't think you have to do that. I think you can look good still. That's actually really powerful to hear because I've been thinking I need to look, I've been looking bad on purpose to seem gay. It's literally like, you'll see something that's like, how do gay people dress? And it's like, holy sure. Like,

It's like Adam Sandler-length gym shorts, cowboy boots. It's like, Jesus Christ, just put on a pair of nice-fitting pants for once. I know that I'm not cut out for L.A. in its entirety because the way people dress in L.A. stresses me out. Brooklyn, too. Put the Janko jeans away. Specifically, the trend I'm seeing lately with cowgirl boots and gym shorts, stop. Enough. Enough.

- Stop. - And I get it, I see you. You wanna be clocked as gay, especially like hot fems are like, well I guess I'll dress really disgusting 'cause I'm hot and femme. - Yeah. - So I can dress horrible so that people know I'm interested in women. It's like, please, for the love of God, just wear like a couple of rings or something. I don't know. - Or a pen or something. - Put a ring on. I promise we're gonna figure it out. People are gonna try with you regardless, you're gorgeous. - Just do short nails. - Do short nails.

And like keep like two unpainted. That's like one of the biggest signs there is. Okay. I didn't know that. I mean people aren't always doing that but I'm like if you are concerned about being clocked, that would do it for me. I'd be like that's – Is it these two? No, it's your thumb and your pinky. I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Me fingering somebody like this? Yeah.

All right. Hey, hang loose. What did you say? Boys in high school used to be two in the pink, one in the pink. Yeah. That's this. This guy? Yeah. But not me. I'm fingering people like this. Let me get my pincers in there. Anyway, yeah, I think with hair color, be normal about it. It doesn't have to be your natural either. Just be normal about it. Like,

Think about like what your bully in high school would dye her hair and it could be any of that. Like don't get so nuts. Don't get so nuts with it. Yeah. All right. Well, let's see what our other voicemail is. Now we solved that. Hey, Caleb and guests. Name me. Something that I've always wanted to know the truth about is why Henry Winkler and Tom Hanks hate each other. Um,

By all accounts, they seem to be two of the most beloved men in Hollywood in terms of, like, on-set behavior. And yet they've been in a feud for decades. Are you looking that up? I'm about to. And I would just love... I feel...

I feel pretty confident that it's probably Tom's fault. That's crazy. I feel so the opposite. I would love to know. I'd love to be taken back in a Pensieve, like a Harry Potter memory thing to whatever fight led to this feud. So thank you. Bye.

So it came from when they were filming something together. 1982, an episode of the TV sitcom Happy Days, where Hanks played the bit part of Dr. Dwayne Twitchell, but the feud wouldn't spark until years later when they collaborated once more on the comedy flick Turner and Hooch. Hanks played the protagonist, Detective Scott Turner, a stern character who whatever, and Winkler was supposed to direct the film before he was fired by the studio mere weeks into filming. Though it was never officially confirmed, it was highly rumored that it was Hanks who got Winkler booted from the director's chair.

I'm reading the same article, so I put it down. I could tell when the words were verbatim. That's crazy. Yeah, there's a guy who's friends with them both and said that their relationship was disappointing. I see this for us. Me and you? Yeah. All I hear is, we're going to be working on some big projects. But no, Shelby, you're going to get me booted from directing a movie. I think you'll survive it. You're going to get past that. I'm going to cry. And do something bigger and better. Because I really see this for us. Like Toy Story.

You're going to get bigger and better and you're going to play Buzz Lightyear. Buzz Lightyear. Bitch. I would love to play. Oh my God, we should make a gay toy story. We should make a gay toy story, me and you. Buzz is like, quit, bitch. He's like, to infinity and beyond, bitch. There's a low key snake in my boot. He's like, I'm literally going to slay in space, bitch. He's like, Woody, you're literally boots the house down.

Not little bo peep serving cunt. That's a woody line. Uh oh, little bo peep serving cunt. The evil kid who tries to destroy the toys is like a non-binary DJ. Sid was non-binary, unfortunately. I felt him so boycotted. I don't know. The buzz cut hair and the skull shirt was getting non-binary. Yeah.

You go back to that room, play. You know what? He had that, or they had that. Sorry, they. They had that spider with a human head. Yeah. They were playing with identity. They were fucking with gender in a very. They were doing something unique and special. They were like, you don't actually have to be one thing from the start. And I think we looked past that as queerness. That's queer. That spider person is queer. Yeah.

And I think Tom Hanks and Henry Winkler are one day, I think they were lovers. Hey, do you want to tell the people what this is? Hey, that's a vase I made. And if any of you ever want something made by me, please, for the love of God, DM me. I'm not employed. I bought this. He did buy that. I bought that from Shelby. And you did a really good job on it. It's beautiful. It used to be in my bedroom. And now it's in here. So I've actually had sex really close to that thing.

I've never had sex near it. Why not? I never had it in my house long enough. Okay. I don't think I ever had it in my house. No, straight from the stew to the... To the stew to the shop. Stew to the shop to the Caleb's house. And I didn't fuck at the stew. And I didn't fuck at the craft fair. You never did one of those ghost-style pottery fuckings? No, they're really weird about who comes into that studio. Yeah, and who comes in the studio, right? Come on. Didn't want to give it to him, but kind of had to, huh? Yeah.

Anyway. We completely fall off after that. Hey, Shelby, it was so much fun having you, girl. I love you to death. What's been on your mind lately? What's going on with you? What are you thinking about? What's up with you? Is this what I've prepped? Well, do you want to tell the people you're so true? Is that what you're asking me? What's something that's so true to you? I'm asking generally what's up with you, but I, in fact, now would like to know you're so true. Am I so true? I have two on my mind.

One is so convoluted that I think I just have to let it sit and not address it. And we'll be hearing that maybe later. But what's the one you want to run with? Well, is that I think ethical meat is unethical. Okay. Okay.

Speak on that. I think when you go to a restaurant and they're like, they named the cow. Yeah. They're like, this is the cow. Yeah. Like her name was. This is Margo. Margo. And she had a beautiful life on this thing. I'm like, that's the one that should have lived. Yeah. The one that we should have killed is the one chained to a fence in a factory. Yeah.

I think like if the cow is that happy, let it live. Why are we, why is that the one we want? The one we named and gave a beautiful life to? I'm like, so you're telling me, you're telling me, you're telling me that this cow had a farmer it trusted and loved. Like let it run free all the time and they just had a beautiful relationship until one day he came out and was like, sorry dude, with a knife and slit her throat. Oh my God. You made it, you made it a knife slit throat? That's how kosher meat is made. Oh my God, really? Yeah. Good thing I don't eat kosher meat.

It's supposed to be feel better. I don't know how it's supposed to feel better. Oh my God. But then instead, what we're doing is they're still making the factory meat. So then there's a cow begging for death. Pleading. It's sitting there going, please, please, please. And they're like, nah, today we're going to take Margo. Don't eat Margo. Eat 14713. What?

number cow I think you're right I'm really with you I'm done I'm done being at a and they're like our cows are raised I'm like they shouldn't be if we're gonna eat them don't give them a taste of life but you're not eating them that's your thing I'm not eating them at all but if I was I'd want the one that wants to die yeah you're real for that it's like if you if someone if someone came into a room and said you have to kill someone in here I would say who's saddest I would say who's been chained up the longest

I would say, which one of you is saddest and wants to die the most? And that, to me, would feel like the ethical choice. That's just. That's just. That's righteous and just. I'm like, I'm sorry, if I came in and I was like, I don't know, who's been happiest? It's like, oh my God, why are you killing her? I think I would kill the happiest person. What? I think I would. I would go, I go, because you know when I'm most comfortable with death is when I'm having my best times. I,

I go, oh, that would be a great time to go. I'm up. If someone in the room was ideating, I'd say, I'll just do it. Ideating. Suicidal. If someone was suicidal ideating, you would just take them out? If I had to. I'm giving a gun. I'm giving a gun. They said, if you don't kill one person here, we're killing you all. I'm going, okay, fine. Who is the saddest in here? I think I was with you on the cows because they have no autonomy. But I think with humans, I would go happiest because I'd go, I'm going to take you out while your hand is hot. Sad people, I'm like, I'm going to give you a chance to recoup.

What if they never do? And then it's like, okay, so then they have to live a lot. I mean, you know, but I want them to have the chance. I think I would kill the happier person. I'd say who in here is happiest? Not me. Me and you are just different kind of killers. Not me. It's a mercy kill for me. Yeah, mine is opposite. I think I want to go out in a happy place and not a sad place.

I think it is happy you're dying a hero. I'm giving someone an opportunity to die a hero to save the whole room. Yeah. So you think you're changing their story. Yeah. You're not a depressed loser with no prospects. No. You're a hero to this room. Exactly. Yeah. I hear you. I hear you. But I think, yeah, when people talk ethical meat, I go, that to me is the least ethical that there is. What was the so true that you didn't want to say?

I have been having a hard time recently with how many period pieces we have on TV and movies because often they're having people fuck. And to me, all I'm thinking is there is a smell in that room. You couldn't imagine. There's a smell in that room that we have eradicated. Yeah, we've gotten rid of that. We've gotten rid of the smell that's in that room because – Well –

We have. Not entirely. It has. Sex still smells crazy sometimes. Not the way that it smells there. Yeah. Because these are people who have showered in the same bath water as their grandparents every day. Yeah. And they don't brush their teeth. Yeah. And they don't wear underwear. And they're chained up in 16 different layers of corset. They smell crazy. Smells like armpits and Fremont de Cheese in there. And they're walking in being like ripping off each other's corset. I'm like, keep that off.

- It smells crazy in there. - I think this is a great so true. So what do you think the solution is? - I think if we're doing period pieces, one, address the smell in the show itself. - Okay, so you want them to be like, "Heh, heh, heh, ah." - Yes, I want there to be some conversation around like, "Hey, it smells weird in here."

Mary Todd Lincoln and Abraham hooking up and Abe's just going, I have to be honest. Your pussy smells wild. I watched The Favorite recently and I was like, it was the first time I'd ever seen it. And I did really like it. But she also had like a flesh eating bacteria. They were sick. Emma Stone walks into the castle covered in poop. And they're like, no, she's going to be fucking today. I'm like, what?

She didn't have poop on her when she fucked though, Shelby. No, they took it off with dirty water that all the other servants bathed in. She was bathing next to all the other servants and then getting splashed with boiling water. The chambermaidens? The chambermaidens. I'm like, so she didn't smell better. It wasn't on her skin anymore, but the smell was with her. Who do you think you are in the favorite?

Who do I think I am in the favorite? Like, what character do you think Shelby is? I have an answer, but I want yours first. I don't think I'm Olivia Colman. Okay. You do? No. Okay. I don't think I'm Joe Alwyn. I think perhaps, oh, I'm the cousin from, what's that show everyone loves with the family? They're rich. They're the Fox News family. Oh.

- Succession. - Oh my God. - Cousin Greg from Succession. - Yeah. - In the favorite. - Sorry, just trying to figure. - That actor. - Instead of, oh, you think, what's his name? - Greg Hirsch. - No. - No, Holt. - Nicholas Holt, no it's not Nicholas Holt, that's a different guy. - No, Cousin Greg, Cousin what? - Greg Hirsch is his name in the character. - Oh. - Nicholas Braun. - Nicholas Braun. - I think it'd be his character. - You think you're Nicholas Braun in the favorite? - Yeah. - I was gonna say you were one of the horses.

The one that drags her. One of the Clydesdales. Yeah. The one that drags her for a really long time. Yeah. That drags Rachel Weisz through the, I'm Olivia Colman. Clear to me. No, you're the diseased old queen. You're the guy who is keeping, is that Rachel Weisz? Uh huh. In the, in the other castle. Oh, that where she's like kidnapped and he's like probably a sexual assaulter.

His character's like canonically doing sexual assault. You think that's me? No, I don't think he's doing any of it. I think he's overseeing it. So, I'm sorry. You don't think I'm a sexual assault. Do you think I'm a sexual assault czar? Yeah. Oh, Shelby. I thought it was fun that you were a Clydesdale. You said that you're not a person, you're a horse. And I said I think you're the boss of a brothel. It's different.

It's just different. It's just different. It's just different. No, I think I'm Nicholas Braun. Nicholas Holt. Nicholas Braun. Nicholas Braun. Nicholas Holt's not in the film. Nicholas Holt was the lead of that Nicolas Cage vampire movie. Allie's got something. Can I just say, Nicholas Braun is not in the favorite. Nicholas Holt is. Wow. Nicholas Holt is in the favorite.

So what do you think you are? Him still, but... So you do think you're Nicholas. You think you're the conniving... He was Goofytown. He was trying to overthrow the kingdom, was he not? For sure, but he was... But in the name of... No, but he was doing it in the name of democracy. Yeah, he's Goofytown. But it isn't that I think I'm just in that way. It's that he was kind of like... He was kind of like Goofy and like...

He was saying some stuff, you know? He was being funny about it. You definitely identify with silly characters. You think you go, I'm silly. I'm goofy. You'll pick the silly guy. Yeah. Well, I'm not Olivia Colman. You're not Olivia Colman. And I'm not Emma Stone. I don't have...

I don't have what she had in that, which was sociopathic entities. Yeah. I know I couldn't have, I couldn't have been so high fallen so low and worked my way back up high. I would just be one of the chambermaids forever and I would make community with them.

I would get close with the chambermaids. Yeah, when they were in feud with each other, I was like, hold on, you guys band together. You guys stop. You guys band together. It would be so good for you guys if you guys could have community down here. Yeah. Instead of poisoning her with lye, why don't you just instead become better friends? Why don't you be in community with one another? Why don't you guys for once in your life be in community with one another?

What, oh, I have a question for you. Sure. What would you delete from, um... The favorite. Well, if you want. What would you delete from the record of the last, how long was it? It's been two years since we did our last Keeping Records episode, maybe? Me and you? Yeah, about. What would you delete from that time period of your life? Last two years of your life, what are you deleting? Um, um...

losing our shared job due to strike. We lost our shared job due to strike. We lost our shared job due to strike. We lost our shared job due to strike. I think I would delete that. I think I would delete the strike. Whoa. Well, I would keep the outcome, but I would delete the title. Hold on. Hold on. You're like, I guess I would delete... I guess I would delete collective action?

No, I would keep like the what happened from it and like I would keep like the community that we found within the strike. I loved walking with you guys. I would get rid of the time that I wasn't making money. And then also the right after losing my job that I was supposed to have after that. Yeah. So.

I think, I guess what I would delete is me being unemployed. I would delete the concept of unemployment from my personal life. I think for me, like what I would do is I would delete me being sort of cast out of my chosen profession. Okay.

And so I would add to the record me having a job in my chosen field.

I guess, yeah, I would delete me not succeeding at my career. I would probably add to the record me having a successful career. Yeah, if that makes any sense at all. I don't know if that makes any sense to you guys at home, but for me, it's like I would delete the loss of potential opportunity in my chosen field, and I would add...

ample opportunity in my chosen field. I guess I would delete scarcity and add abundance. I think I would add a couple zeros onto my bank account. Oh yeah, I'm really unique. I would delete me losing. And I would delete the negative side. Yeah, delete me losing and add me winning, I guess would be... Anything that I haven't gotten that I wanted in the last two years, I would get. And then I would...

Yeah, for me, it's going to be making myself the hero instead of the fucking Court Chester. I'm not the villain, but I'm not the hero. I'm not the horse. I'm Olivia Colman. I would add that. Yeah, I would be Olivia Colman. Actually, not even just in the favorite. I think I would just be Olivia Colman. Olivia, look at me. Let's go Freaky Friday mode. Olivia, please. Please. You would love my life. I'm young.

Olivia, please. Olivia, you would love this body. It would be awesome for you. I'm young and I'm having fun out here. I would love to be you for just even five days. Five days? What would you do? Five days as Olivia Colman. Five days as Olivia Colman. I'm whispering in everyone I know's ear how great I am.

I'm like, you've got to meet this girl. She's awesome. There's this talented young comedian named Shelby Woolsey. I'm posting it on all my socials. She's doing like every interview. I'm forcing my agents to sign me. I'm going crazy. If I'm switching bodies with an A-list celebrity for five days, that whole time is campaigning for me. There's not a single thing I do that's like,

Crazy. It's like, it's not blank check for me. It's like, this is campaign. Yeah. I would probably end like World Hunger or something. I don't think she has that in her. Olivia? Coleman? You think she could end World Hunger? With the snap of a finger. No, she could not. Taylor could. Which Taylor? Swift. Swift. Swift, honey. She could end anything if she really wanted to. You're a huge Chiefs fan. You love, you're low-key a Swifty because you love the Chiefs. So.

Olivia, if you're out there, girl. Olivia, please hit Shelby up immediately. What do you want? What do you want out of your career? What is the goal, really, truly? Caleb's asking this as if we haven't had these conversations. It's for the listeners. What if there's a big-time producer listening and they want to know, what can I do for Shelby Woolsey? What do you want out of your career? What's the goal? Listen, Ted Sarandos. What's the dream? Look at me. Ted. Look at me. You would love this body. You would love this body.

I'm having a lot of fun. I'm young. And I'm having... And I have boobs. Oh my, you really do. Ted would love that about me. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. That's me thinking about your boobs.

What do I want out of my career? I want to write things and have them made and have them be beloved. And I would like to act as sort of like the fourth person on a call sheet. Fourth on a call sheet, okay. I don't want to be number one on a call sheet. Don't ask me to be unless the money's right. Stop asking her. Unless the money's right. But I think...

I don't know that I have leading lady capabilities. I think I have really good fourth on the call sheet capabilities. I think you have all the capabilities, but I think fourth on the call sheet is a fun place to be. Right. I have like some fun vibes. That'll just live down there now. Don't cry. What if I had a huge breakdown after that? Well, it'd probably be good for us. We could use clicks. Okay. Yeah. I'll do my best. Actually, if you can think of anything viral to say into the camera, we're always looking and thinking. I feel like I've been kind of giving it up.

I feel like I've been giving you hints left and right. I think I've been sort of talking about Olivia Colman being in my body. Oh, yeah, that's killer. No, people are going to love that. I'm being serious. What what would be the dream thing for you to make? What would be the dream Shelby project if someone was going to give you the money? Oh, brother. Your fans want to know. I don't know if they all know this. Do I know this? What's my dream project? Yeah. What would be the thing you would make if you could?

Well, I think if I could, I would make a lot of things, right? Like, I think there would be something that I would want to make that is fully about my dad and is just absolutely gorgeous. Yeah. You're getting the opportunity to do that, and I'm going to take it right up. And I would steal it from you in a heartbeat? No, I would write something really beautiful about that that is, like, funny only in the sense that dialogue is funny, but that it's, like, actually just full of heart.

Or I would make something sort of batshit crazy. Something, you know...

21 Drum Street sort of crazy. Oh my God, I love those movies. That's just fun. We once concepted sort of a murder movie. Did we? Which one was this? You and I have talked about a billion ideas. And we're never in the studio writing them up. We're never in the studio. Which one was this? Was this the gay friends that do a heist? Yes. Yes, that one. Okay. Kill someone, put them in a truck. Accidentally kill someone, put them in a truck. Kill them, put them in a truck. And it's hard to see how this hasn't been fleshed out.

We have almost no... I'm like, what is that? We're like, oh, gay friends kill someone. That's as far as we got. No, it was that they did a heist, but then they accidentally kill someone, and then the movie ends up being about how they're going to take care of that body. That actually is a good movie. I'm really smart. Wait, we're low-key talented. Low-key. If one of you fucking takes that... It gets made next week.

My dad used to actually, my dad once had an idea where he was in Florida and he was like, we should do a show about the people that work on these boats. And then Below Deck came out and he was like, someone heard me. He was like, I'm wired, I'm wired. He was literally like,

They stole it. And I was like, they just had the idea. They just had the idea as well. Like some executive has a boat and was like, these guys are crazy. Some business guy in entertainment lives the same life you do, Dad. They're around and they had the idea. And they had the idea. They were on a boat and they said, these guys have kind of a full life. So. They were like, honey, I was listening to them. Did you know they have a life when we're not around? These are real. Hold on. The servants have depth. Yeah.

Hold on. The servants have death. These are people with full lives. There's a saying for that where you realize that every stranger has its own world. Oh, God, yeah. It's called my reason for being depressed in college. When you accidentally recognize the humanity in everybody, that's exhausting. Today someone flicked me off in the car and I was like, yeah. You accepted it? You liked it? I didn't like it, but I was like, they needed that.

The links I will go to sometimes when I'm trying to have a well outlook and someone will be so objectively bad around me and I'll be like, yeah, they must have just gotten a really bad diagnosis or something. That's why they're acting that way. I think he ended up being kind of fucked up, this guy. There was a guy who in my high school came as a speaker and he –

He had Tourette's and he also had like a medical condition as well. And he was talking about how like he was going on a bus and he was saying like his Tourette's had him like saying a bunch of slurs. And he was like, and people were really mad at me, which is like, yeah, yeah.

Of course. But then he was like, but what they didn't know is that my mom died that day. And I was like, well, you're still like on the bus killing slurs. So what? Sorry. He was paid to come talk to you guys about why it's okay to say slurs sometimes? No, he was coming to talk to us about, I guess, empathizing with other people's experiences. Yeah.

Uh, he said he pooped crazy. That was like, I remember that vividly. He said he pooped crazy on stage. I actually think he did something really cool in his speech. A lot of what he said, I didn't agree with, but he did when you walked in the auditorium, he gave every, a couple people randomly a piece of paper and it was like, at this time, stand up and bark or like at this time do this. And he was like, that's kind of like what it's like to live with threats. Shelby, I've got a game for you.

Good. You know I love them. This is true or false, okay? I'm going to read you 15 statements, and as quickly as you can, tell me if you think they're true or false, each one. If you get 10 or more of these correct, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. You ready? I think. I hope. All modern dogs are descendants of wolves.

Yes. True. The letter J is the only letter in the alphabet not included in the periodic table. Yes. True. Fortune cookies were invented in China. No. False. The United States. All kings in a standard deck of cards have a mustache. No. False. King of hearts does not. The letter E is the most common in the English language. Yes. True. There are 30 NFL teams. 32. False. 32. That's my girl. Kwanzaa lasts for five nights. False. False. Seven. The names of the mascots for Rice Krispies are Snap, Crackle, and Pop. False.

False. That's just what they say. True. French fries originated in France. Wrong. False. Belgium. Toy Story was Pixar's first movie. True. True. John W. Willey was the first mayor of Cleveland. False. True. There are 10,000 dots on an NBA basketball. False. False. 35,000. The human body is about 60% water. It's more. True. Steve Jobs owned the rights to the Flintstones cartoon. False. False. Online sports gambling is illegal in Alaska. True. True. How much did you get?

- 12. - Ah, you might have, is that the highest one yet? - That's the highest we've gotten. - My girl's a genius. Wait, what was the one you got right that I was surprised about? - Um. - 30, oh yeah, you knew the number of NFL teams. - Yeah, 32. - I don't know that, that's crazy. - 32, I knew Kwanzaa was seven days because it's like a menorah but with seven instead of eight. - You're so culturally competent, girl. You're so smart about culture, girl.

Lesbian hand rub. Where lesbians rub their hands together like little mice. Caleb and I were at our friend Allie's the other day and I was rubbing my hands like that close to a window and Caleb was like, what if you just fell?

Would you be happy? Oh no, you're phone on the ground. I wouldn't be happy, but again, I think some of my friends would benefit. You saying that our friends would benefit from you dying is one of the craziest things you've ever uttered in my presence. And I've known you for a minute. It's not that I think my absence is the gift. The gift is to go through something hard.

It's the gift of perspective. You don't think we could give it to him in another way? I don't know. I think I went through a lot of stuff for a long time and then my dad died and I said, whoa, this feels different. I said, damn, death feels different for real when it's close to you. FRFRFR. FRFRFR. When death is close to you, it feels different. Death is low-key different when it's close to you. Death is low-key different. Death hits different when it's near to the heart. It does when it's near and dear. And so I'm like, I don't know. Hey, what's your favorite type of movie?

Right. Like, I'm not talking genre. I'm talking like your favorite thing. Like my favorite thing in a movie is when, like basically my favorite movie is a coming of age movie. Like when someone realizes what it's all about or who they really are. Mine, I think is like a puzzle. What do you mean? Like not even necessarily specifically psychological thrillers, but like something where like I as the audience am figuring out something alongside the character. Oh, like they're putting us, they're like kind of like The Hangover. Yeah.

They're putting together what happened and you're right there with them. And me as well. Yeah. I recently was, I had been talking about how much I loved the movie Premonition and I was like, I haven't seen it since the first time I saw it, but I remember loving it and I watched it again. It's the worst movie ever made. I've never seen it. It has like a 2% on Rotten Tomatoes. Have you ever seen Murder by Numbers? No. It's a Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock movie. I've been doing a lot of paint by numbers.

Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock or Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock? Ryan Gosling, Sandra Bullock. Is it when they dated? I don't know, but... That's weird. It's a scary... It's not scary. It's a fucked up kind of weirdo movie, but there's a sex scene in it where Ryan Gosling is naked. And I watched that movie at a pretty formative time and I had to definitely pause and rewind the scene a couple times to be like...

I'm into whatever he's got going on. But it's like a movie about him being like a psychopathic killer. Well, sometimes that can be... Sometimes it's what gets you going. Sometimes that's the threat, you know? That's... That's the threat. Sometimes the threat of being killed is what can turn you on. Sometimes the threat could be that you might fall in love and sometimes the threat might be that you could be killed at any moment. Well... You need a threat. Yeah.

Sexual attraction is all about threat. What am I threatened by? How can I get it close to me? How can I be threatened a little bit more today? What color can their hair be? Brown, blonde, the right kind of red. A certain reds, shirt in yellows.

Let's get on sort of a neutral palette, I guess. Would you take gray, by the way? Just back to that conversation for one second. Sure, I think a tasteful gray. Okay, cool. Just good to know. Just good to know. A tasteful gray. What is your favorite memory of us?

My favorite memory of you and I... I want to think of one too. My favorite memory of me and you. I mean, my most wholesome memory of us is moving to LA together and just going on a lot of drives to Malibu because we didn't know anyone else.

Yeah, we were just in the car being like, well, I guess we're going to explore LA. We're like going through the hills being like, gorgeous, huh? So also we moved here at the height of COVID. June 2020. June 2020. A globally good month. God, we were in it. Historically, we were loving June 2020. My favorite memory of us would probably be...

When I'm assuming some of the listeners at least know this, but you and I ran a weekly show together in Chicago for two years that was called Studio 11. And I would say like – As the world burns? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. As the world burns. Shelby and I did a – we did an improvised with Tom Simmermaker. And there were other people in it sometimes, right? Or was it just me, you, and Tom? Well, Alex –

Alex Collier from the booth. But we did an improvised soap opera called As the World Burns, and that was fucking psychotic. But anytime, like I would say every three weeks of that weekly show, we would have a huge audience, and just all those shows were like the best. That show rocked. That show rocked. If you guys didn't get to go to that, I'm really sorry, because you would have really been different. You missed out on Studio 11. John was there. John went to Studio 11. Allie. Allie never made it to one, I don't think.

Allie has never really supported me. And she's never supported me. She's never really supported you. She's never supported me at all. I've known Allie since we were 14 years old and I have never once gotten support from her. She's really not a nice girl. No, she's gorgeous. Beautiful. One of the most beautiful girls we know. But it's like, once in a while, it's like, you're just kind of like, Oh, like it's looks like aren't everything like, who do you think is your friend? Who's the most beautiful, but the least cool?

I don't think I can answer that. Name them. Everybody in the comments say, tag your friend. Tag your friend who's gorgeous but ugly on the inside. Mine's bug. Mine's your cat bug. She's gorgeous and gorgeous inside. She's beautiful, but she has toxic behaviors. Not anymore. Did she cool up after me? Yes. She doesn't even make sounds anymore.

Oh, that might be something to look into. This girl's crazy. You're like, yeah, she barely moves. She can't see. She's awesome. She's been in the same spot for six weeks. Yeah. It hasn't moved. I haven't eaten. Hasn't eaten. She's dead. I drag her around the house. We go on walks. I drag her around on her leash. It's awesome. No, I tell her every day that I won't live a day longer than her. Okay.

You guys, Shelby is fine. Everything's good with Shelburino. I'm all good, but I will not live a day longer than my cat. She's got like 20 years left in her. Don't stress. But when she's gone, so too am I. But that's right around the 45 mark. I actually really fear the day that bug goes because I know I'm going to have a tough week. It's a year. It's going to be one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. And

Not top five, but top ten. Top ten. Pug's in top ten. Pug's top ten. She's probably number six. Like, she's up there. She's in there. Could be seven. No chance she's nine. There's no chance. Hey, I have one final question for you. Fuck. I know. It sucks our time is coming to an end. But what was your favorite episode of Keeping Records?

And it can only be from our era. It can't be EJ's era, because obviously we love EJ, but I want to talk about our era. You know my favorites. There's a top three for me. Yeah. It's Beth Stelling. Yeah. It's Sam Irby. Yeah. And it's when we had the guy who worked on. The guy from the actual records. The actual records on. I think, yeah, guy who worked on the records. His name is escaping me right now. Mine too. I feel horrible about it. John Landgraf or John. It is John. John Landgraf.

Oh, boy. Get on the keys. Get on the fucking keys. What was his name? John Lauderman. John Landegraft. You really want him to be Jewish. I'm like, John L'Chaim, is it? Was it? John Steen. John Steenbergen. John... No, I would love if he was Jewish. I don't know if he was. John Landau? No, that's also a Jewish name. Is it? You know my reverence for the Jewish people. Knows no bounds.

It's early. John Lomberg. Lomberg! John Lomberg. You don't have to look up his name. It's John Lomberg. And by the way, that's Jewish. Is that a Jewish name? I was kind of on with that. You don't have to look. I know it in my heart. It's John Lomberg. He was the king. He zoomed in from Hawaii. He's the best. No worries. I fucking love that guy. One of the best guys I've ever talked to. I fucking love that guy. And he worked on the Molden Records.

Is there anything you want to plug to the listeners? Where to follow you, where to find you? You guys know my handle. It's my full name, Shelby Wolstein. I will have a podcast soon. You guys should listen to that. It would mean the world. Beyond that, if you have an uncle or a dad or a cousin who has a show that they want to hire me on, I'll work on it for a salary. Yeah.

And nothing more. And nothing more. A salary and nothing more. If they want to give me benefits, tell them to get fucked. Dream on. Get fucked. I will not take a benefit from a company. I won't take benefits or accolades. I want a salary only. I want a salary only and I want it to be low. I want it to be only barely livable. I want to be concerned about making rent. I want people to be worried about me, but I want to be having a task during the day. If you want people to be worried about you, I think this episode has certainly done it. We love it.

I love you so much. Thanks for being on. Hey, thanks for having me. Love you so much. I love you. We got to talk more often. What's up? We haven't chatted in a couple years. This was fun. This was fun. Oh, I love you. What's going on? Oh, my gosh.