#120 - Roy Wood Jr.
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Welcome everybody to Stobby's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in, we'll solve your problems. I'm pumped to have on the couch Roy Wood Jr. today. One of my favorites, one of the best comics ever.

Truly, like, you have a great career and you're still underrated, in my opinion. And the special right now on Hulu, Lonely Flowers. Go watch it. It's awesome. You have the CNN show, Have I Got News For You, as well. A lot of places to see our boy, Roy. But go check out the special. We're comedians here. Stream that shit, man. Yeah, stream it. We don't know about the news. Get Roblox off that shit. I stream that shit on my son's laptop. I don't give a shit.

Give me your laptop, boy. Stream it in Minecraft somehow. Who's blocked? You're stupid and don't know how to circumvent parental settings. Yeah. I know what I'm doing, boy. That's a good point. You should put parental controls on your kid's shit just so they learn how to cheat through parental controls. If you have a kid who can't figure that out, it's tough. It's not looking good. Mine is getting there. He already learned how to Google me. And then, of course, the next thing he did was Google himself. Ha ha ha.

He wants some feedback. Yeah, he said, I googled Roy Wood Jr. Kid. And I go, did you like what you found? Yeah, it was some nice pictures. But I was a little younger then. And I go, good.

Good. Keeping you off of the internet. That's so funny. Yeah, I mean, it just really feels like we're cooked in terms of kids and the internet. Your son's going to have, like, a robot girlfriend. Like, it's just like, they're going to be like, they're going to make things where you could just, like, I mean, her and, like, the Blade Runner. And by the way, if you get a girlfriend that looks like Anna Darmis,

I would sign up. You know what I mean? Like, even though it's... I would want him to have, like, one of those ex-Machina. I'm sorry, bro. It's coming. I know you don't want it. I would be so embarrassed if my son dated a robot. Eric, man, let me show you some of these white girls. Yeah, that's the march of progress. Black man would bring home a respectable white woman. Not one of these goddamn robots.

When I was your age, you brought home a black woman, and then as you get tired of that, you bring home a white woman and disappoint your mama.

Your mother's crying. She's in there. She found motor oil all over your pants. She knows how that got. You don't have a car. She knows how that WD-40 got there. You know what television sitcom does not stand up? What's that? I caught a glimpse of it down a Reddit rabbit hole. Uh-huh.

Small Wonder. Small Wonder doesn't hold up. Small Wonder was a sitcom about a robot, about a teenage robot. Oh, yes. Yeah. The zany adventures of a suburban family, their next-door neighbors, and an innovative robot. Interesting, interesting. Yeah. It was like a 10-year-old that's a robot, and then the dad. But I watch it now, and I'm just like...

Knowing what we know about just creep motherfuckers. What's going to happen the instant a robot exists? Or you can't make it a kid. It's the one sitcom that is for sure reboot proof. Because today's technology on robots combined with the loneliness of Ben and the creepiness of pedophilia, that sitcom would take a left turn very fast. It would be like, hey, dad, why is this your life's work?

And you know what? You would hear an argument from the pedophile scientist who's like, look, you want me to fuck kids or you want me to fuck kid robots? Exactly. I got to get it out of my system somehow.

You know what, though? That's maybe how we'll have robot breakthroughs. If we charge people, we're like, look, you guys get to make kid robots, but y'all's got to make the adult versions that are good for the rest of us. We will have that technology. Those shitty Tesla robots that don't do shit, those are gone in a month if we tell pedophiles they can figure out

They can fuck children robots. If this show was done today, it would be a dialogue and discourse about the age of consent. It would easily become... With all the hilarious hijinks. Right, right, right, right. And at the same time, they'd be slipping on stuff. Yeah, I don't remember... I know Small Wonder purely as a punchline about weird, shitty old sitcoms. I'd never watched it before.

I watched it for a quick minute. I was of that punky Brewster era. Sure. So, you know, rebellious, you know, Macaulay Culkin, like any rebellious white kid. Right. That was like every black kid's dream was to talk shit to authority. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Like fucking different strokes. These motherfuckers, the slick mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To Mr. Drummond. Yeah. Different strokes. Like, let's make the subtext the text.

And it's like just like it's get to live, get to directly mouth off to the rich white people instead of just pretend they're richy rich. The funniest shit about different strokes. I miss sitcom openings. Yeah. Where the opening of the sitcom. I love theme songs and sitcoms, but I used to love how sitcom openings like the video they would show would essentially tell the premise of the show. Yes. Yes. No matter where you join the show. Yeah. You're caught up. You know what this is.

And the different strokes opening sequence, the song is great, but the opening sequence is Mr. Drummond riding around in a limo. And he just keeps looking out a window, looking at the window. Yeah. And then he just looks and he just sees two black kids playing basketball in the hood. Fucking Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman go scurrying into the limo. And he drives off. Like, what the fuck is this show about?

It's just a white dude pulling up on broke niggas. Come on. No chance of getting sex trafficked, that's for sure. Bro, they didn't ask no questions. Because in the song, it doesn't establish... That it's an adoption, that it's a whole thing. In the lyrics, it establishes it, but when you're watching it, I was microdosing. Yeah.

He's a man out there, he's a man, but alone came two. They acknowledge the legal adoption process within the lyrics. Right, right, right, right. But visually. But visually, it just looks like a fucking rich white man picking up young black boys.

I mean, small, yeah, we were working on some, it was really, it was really like, it's like, of course all of Hollywood is pedophile. Look at, look at the, the proof was in front of us the whole time. All the shows just did it outright. Punky Brewster was an older man. Punky, tell that black friend of yours to start vertical. Yeah, I caught a little bit of Punky Brewster. You were a big sitcom kid?

Yeah, oh yeah, I was huge, bro. I watched all the things. Only thing I didn't really rock with was Saved by the Bell. Not that I hated it, it just didn't... I don't know, I always found school boring. Well, it might be a generational thing, too, because you're a little... Yeah, I'm 46. Yeah, yeah, you're like 10 years older than me, and so...

So your fantasy of like mouthing off, I was watching... Because yeah, school sucks when you're actually in high school. But when you're a little ass kid, when you're a little fat kid and you're like, damn, Zach gets all the bitches, everybody loves him. When I go to fucking high school, I'm going to be like, Zach, that was the fantasy they're selling. It's for like young, it's for like, you know, 80s.

eight year olds to be like, that's what school's going to be like. And I'm going to be fucking awesome. Did, um, just Dustin diamonds care to ever get late? Like, did he get some ass at any point? I don't believe. I think Lisa like threw him a bone and kissed him on. Yeah. Yeah. True. He was, he was obsessed with Lisa, but even that was like pathetic. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

I know Urkel had to transform into Raquel. But at the end, she did like him for him, right? Wasn't that the... I don't know. This is the age I am. I watched... I was...

in the end of Family Matters as it was going off the air. Like, I remember late period Family Matters post-Erkel, you know, post-Stefan Erkel, when Erkel was like, when it was clearly like, you know, you know, who's the actor that plays him? I'm forgetting. I'm blanking on it. Jaleel White. When he was like, you know, you got to show that I'm not a fucking loser. I can also fucking, like, you know, dance and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm reading his memoir right now.

You really are a learned man. That was my fucking character. Yeah, yeah. And I got a lot of respect for G. Lill just as an actor and as a human being. But, like, he really breaks down in that book how it was his mom that was, like, defending him and making sure that, like, he didn't get fucked over. Like, I'm paraphrasing how he said it, but he basically said, nobody ever tried to fuck me. Yeah.

That's not how he said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But basically, his mom did a great job of protecting him from the demons and the evils of Hollywood and whatever comes with being a child celebrity. And for all of the stuff that was in that book, the thing that I found most interesting so far is that he breaks down what really happened with Judy Winslow. Oh, really? Because everybody jokes like, oh, Judy Winslow went upstairs and started doing porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was the tutoring. In his book, according to him, I didn't know this. You have to go to school, right? Yeah, you have to go to school as a kid actor. You have to spend three hours a day on set learning shit. If you start flunking, they have to fire you from the show. Wow.

Nigga just wasn't doing her homework. Yeah. I got a sneaking suspicion if Urkel was flunking, they'd figure something out. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, look, you're on the line character. You got to learn algebra, bitch. You can't. You're not important enough for us to look the other way. You're not the starting wide receiver. You're the reserve left tackle. All right? You'll get cut.

Before we cheat for you. We need you in the film room watching tape. Yeah. I don't want to watch tape. All right, go up them stairs real quick. And action. And that was it, man. But it's really, I mean, it's Jamie Foxx's story to tell, but it's a very interesting dichotomy of just how having two different types of parents on set dictated their trajectories in two totally different directions. Totally. I don't know, that part of like,

watching old sitcoms now that have children knowing what you know what the business does to most children it's hard to watch some of them because it's like fuck that kid probably just like when you watch home improvement i don't remember which one is the one that's always beating on women right but but one of the kids one of the cool time kids yeah yeah yeah really likes to punch women

Yeah. So when I go back, I can't watch the sitcom. No, most, it's like watching like a movie from the 70s which like, that had like a, you know, it's like watching like, not even from the 70s, any movie with like animals in it. Like I bet you, like Homeward Bound, it's like, oh yeah, they killed 12 golden retrievers getting that shot where he has to jump over the train tracks. It's like, it's just like, watching old sitcoms with any kids, it's like, yeah.

dog, you don't want to know what had to be done. Like, that's what I think, especially the operation dumbo drop. You know, they were beating the shit out of that elephant. Absolutely, dude. Danny Glover and Ray Liotta cussing that elephant out. Turner and Hooch, you know how many fucking dogs they went through, man? Tom Hanks strangled one himself for not cooperating. Yeah, dude, it's so fucked up. I like watching the old shit. I was watching...

I went down a rabbit hole of sitcom theme songs. And I don't know if there is a song more sad or pull the lyrics up for me just so we can read the first. WKRP in Cincinnati. Okay. Sorry, which? WKRP in Cincinnati. Lyrics. This shit reads like a suicide letter. And it's for one of the most hilarious sitcoms of all time.

If you ever wondered, whatever happened to me, I'm living on the air in Cincinnati, Cincinnati WKRP. Got kind of tired of packing and unpacking, town to town, up and down the dial. How the fuck? By the way, Ellis has never done this. You know this. We're never meant to be, but maybe think of me once in a while. You sad fuck. So it's a guy...

Who took a job in Cincinnati to be like the local weatherman or whatever. He's a radio DJ. Now I'm in a weird city, but damn, I had to leave the woman. Then he goes, heading up the highway and leaving you behind was the hardest thing. Mind you, this song is nothing about what the fuck the show is about. Does this ever come up in the show? No. There's no character who left his wife. He never talks to her. He's a director.

station fucking off with everybody else. Heading up the highway, leaving you behind. Hardest thing I ever had to do. Broke my heart in two, but baby, pay no mind. The price for finding me was losing you.

Oh my God. That's so fucking funny. It's fucking sad. I had to lose you. Memories help me hide my lonesome feeling far away from you and feeling low. It's getting late, my friend, my love. I miss you so. Take good care of you. I gotta go. I mean, listen. The pills are hitting in that verse. It's getting late. I love you so. Yeah. One of the greatest sitcom theme songs of all time. That's fucking awesome. But one of the saddest fucking... Jeez. Oh, man.

Yeah, that is fucking hilarious because they probably just were like, they gave some musician, they're like, all right, it's about a guy who's moving to Cincinnati to be on the radio. He's like, I got it. Don't say another word. I fucking got it, baby. Revolver in my hand and I'm spinning the cylinder. Thinking of you as I play Russian roulette. This episode of Stavi's World is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah.

And we're on a tour, guys, and you know that. And you know we're sleeping on a tour bus, but we get tired of the bus. We just had a couple off days in Los Angeles. We weren't going to sleep on the bus. What did we do? We went to Booking.com to find us a beautiful accommodation. I want to stay healthy. I want something with a nice big kitchen, something easy, enough bedrooms for me, George, Eldish, the whole team. We found that in a breeze with Booking.com, a nice little accommodation.

Maybe we were more in other cities. We're in the mood for hotels. I got to tell you with, uh, you know, with the tour bus, we'd like to have one hotel room per city to, if somebody needs to chill out, take a shower, use some personal facilities, whatever it is. Uh, we've always been able to find a really nice hotel close by to the theater. That's huge.

where we're performing because you want to walk right to the place thanks to Booking.com. Whatever you want to do, Booking.com's got it. You want to go to the beach. You want to go skiing. You want a nice little hotel-type situation. You want a nice little chalet. Any type of shit in America you want, these mother-freakers at Booking.com got your back, chief.

Okay, I think everybody knows that these mother freakers got your back. So find exactly what you're looking for on booking.com, booking.yeah.

You were, you know, radio. You were fucking radio. You have an awesome career. You have, like, truly, I feel like you're, like, one of the last of the Mohicans in terms of, like, how to come up through, like, radio, road work through the South. Like, it's, you were a DJ for a long time, weren't you? Yeah, right. 12 years while I was still doing...

That's like a classic. That's a throwback guy is the guy who did stand-up and morning radio. That's crazy. If the gig was within five hours of Birmingham, I drove home after the gig to be on air the next morning.

Because I didn't want to lose the job. And for context, I'm 21, 22 when this starts. Sure. So you got the metabolism for that. And you're excited. And you're, like, surviving on cherry Coke and Skittles at 3 in the morning, fighting that dose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taking truck stop speed pills. Yeah. The most unregulated shit. I hope RFK does clean up some of this shit.

The shit I was putting in my body was not... Not good, bro. The packaging was just weird. This is before... We're talking late 90s? Early 2000s? 01. 01 through about 2015 is my radio era while doing other shit. But like...

This is the beginning of energy drinks and Red Bull and Five Hours. The bleeding edge. Yeah. When they were putting whatever in there. When it was like, make your hands tremble. I remember Four Loko. That was our college years. It was so like that shit. And they used to have these fucking pills at these truck stops. And I don't know if it was called Stay Woke or something. But...

It had Black Panther packaging. Stay woke. Before George Floyd. It was like the package was like a stick of dynamite holding a thunderbolt. Love that, dude. And I would take three of those. Yeah, probably just speed in there. And hop back in my Ford Focus and get to the station in time to do mornings.

And that was the life. Man, radio was wild, though. Because I'd go back and listen to some of the prank calls I did. And I was like, I was just fucking hungry, bro. I didn't even mean it. The shit I said to people. Because the TikTokers have gotten a hold of some of my vault stuff. My stuff has always been like...

So when I first started doing pranks, I gave them away for free. Yeah. I put them on my website. By the way, again, that's what I'm talking about. You have like a, like you, you almost have like a vaudeville career where it was like radio prank calls. I guess it's like, I remember, we remember that era of like, you know, we're talking jerky boys. We're talking like every, like, you know, you'd have like,

would have like prank interstitials. Comedy and hip hop had a relationship. Comedy and hip hop had it all. Yeah, absolutely. There would be skits on every, on every like big rap album would have like three pieces of sketch comedy. Masterpiece, make them say, uh, opens with a prank phone call to No Limit Studios. Yeah.

Right. It was culturally very big. Yeah, so that made me money, though, man. I sold those CDs. Really? That's awesome. I would print, bro. So that was like your merch? Yeah. Oh, wow. I can never think of a joke to put on a shirt. Sure. But I had an HP desktop 5550. Oh, yeah, dude. And I would pack that bitch in my Focus, and I would spend all day in the hotel burning greenback CDs. You would burn your own Frank CDs? Print and press.

And they had the label stomper where you could stomp that bitch. You fucking did your own label? I did. So you're in a fucking Holiday Inn Express? Just making dope all day. You brought your fucking desktop on the road to burn CDs? No, I had Adele, finally. Okay, okay. Adele is for an 8100 with a wood grain heel rest.

Laptops used to have... Fuck, I'm old. Laptops used to have customizable heel rests where you could pop them in and out. I'm not bullshitting. That's awesome, dude. I had a wood grain fucking laptop. That's incredible, dude. You had the wood grain. I had a Dell Esperan 8100 with the wood grain heel rest, and I would just fucking make CDs all day and sell them shits. That's awesome. And, you know, it's cool that...

A lot of that old shit that I've forgotten about. And I stopped doing pranks in 08, 07. When I moved to LA, I stopped doing them because I didn't want to be known as the prank hall guy. And it was starting to...

I get that. Because it was good, but it was like, nah, I want to do other shit. So I just never sold another CD, pulled all the shit off iTunes at the time. Right, right. And it's long enough, it's far enough in the past where it was before everything was automatically digitized that it's kind of easy for it to stay hidden. Whereas, you know, if you do a podcast, for example, in your mid-20s when you're saying wild shit, that's there forever. Correct. You know, like...

But I mean, but like people started finding the old pranks and I got to give it up to a lot of these TikTokers that would just, folks have just put my shit on YouTube once YouTube gained traction over the years. And then TikTokers would take this shit off YouTube and then pull that up and then they put, I'll never do another prank call. I don't even retweet. I don't even think people know it's me half the time. Right, right, right. Which to me is still kind of cool. That's even cooler. You're just laughing at some shit and I'm just going, yeah, I was like,

That was me, bitch. Yeah, yeah. No, believe me, I wish that would happen with Comptown. I wish people would be like, oh, that fat guy that's laughing, I wonder who that is. Actually, my laugh would instantly give me away no matter what. But I think we're at a point societally with comedy where in terms of the retroactive cancel... Oh, yeah. ...that we're in a different place where you can understand...

Comedy matches the times of what... And I know this because I have a degree in journalism and I flunked mass media law three times. You flunked it three times. I flunked it three times. The third time's the charm. What is decent or indecent is decided by the listening public at large within the region of the material being broadcast. Oh, interesting. So...

The same way some radio station could play a fart sound. Right. Like if it's Bubba the Love Sponge or classic Opie and Anthony. Like you took half the shit Opie and Anthony did on the East Coast. And that was terrestrial radio. They never got a complaint for real. They never got taken off the air, right? Yeah. If you take any ONA segment and you drop that in Tupelo, Mississippi on a gospel station. Right. Yeah.

They're going to catch a strike. That station would catch a strike from the FCC. So most of what we were doing at the time just fell in line with, yeah, I want to use some racial slurs to yell at you to get you to cuss me out. And it's going to be funny. Sounds great. But it's just the idea of anger. Totally. Totally.

If I can trigger you into being angry at me, yuck, yuck, yuck. That's all Jackass was. For sure. Jackass was just triggering people into being. Yeah. I'm trying to elicit a reaction. Yeah. Whatever I can say to get that is fair game. Yeah. Eric Andre's pranks. Yeah. But at the end of it, you know, and I don't think Eric shows all of that within his show. But at the end of all of these pranks, you go to the person and go, hey, it's cool. Cool. Cool.

Every prank that I've done at the end, the person's laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like there's a degree of reverence in what we did, but it's just not something I ever wanted to go back and do over and over again. Of course. And also I think there's the thing of like, it's not only just the time period, but it's also like the time in someone's life. Like prank calls is a young man's game.

You know what I mean? Like, saying the wildest shit you can think of on a podcast is a young man's game. Yeah. Like, and that's, I think every generation goes through that. Everyone loves prank calls. Everyone, when they're fucking 13, calls someone and says, can I have a pussy burger? You know what I mean? Like, you call, like, the carryout, and you're like, uh...

I want some jizz fries. Not that I'm going to say that's what you did, but I'm just saying it's a natural thing. It's the same. I called a hotel once. What I learned from being on the road is that I learned how to call directly to hotel rooms without circumventing the front desk. Not even need to know the person's name on the room. I get back to the radio station and I would call a hotel room and just I would act like I'm fucking. Right.

And then call the room pretending that I'm next door. Yeah. And asking them if they'd slide a condom under the door. You ain't got no rubbers over there, dude. Put a rubber. I'm in 302. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't do that at 46. No, no, no. But it's still funny. It still holds. I'm 46. You can't behave like that. That's why I love seeing, like, in case in point, that's why I feel like even with sketch humor,

There's a maturity cycle that we all go through. Sure. And it's like five to seven years. There's like a five to seven year window where sketch comedy got you. Right, right, right. And that's your fucking guy. Yeah. It's Will Ferrell era. Totally. SNL.

For me, it was that and In Living Color. That was my peak sketch era, which is what makes Chappelle such an anomaly. Right. But I think part of what Chappelle did was a lot of longer form sketches. So stylistically, it was a new way to consume the fucking shit. That's interesting because I think he had a lot of windows in that...

Yeah, there was so much cultural significance. He also called the DVD, the box set DVD wave of like... And there was like a few box sets of my generation that's like those... And that might be the one, honestly. I mean, there's also family guys first when Fox took them off the air. That's why they got back on was because of like box sets. DVD sales and then Adult Swim was like, all right, we'll put it on. It was only off the strength of the secondary market. But I feel like that's why...

If you notice, even with, I'm trying to think of it, because I'm trying to say this with respect. It's not a diss. Yeah. When you think of like sketch, internet sketch artists or performers now, right? Yeah. No matter who you love that does a funny thing on the internet, on their channel, and it's so funny, they've got five to seven years before you as a consumer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Your take, your, your palate changes. For sure. For sure. Your comedic palate changes. And it doesn't mean that that person isn't funny anymore. They have to figure out a way to evolve to get the next generation that's growing into them. Yeah. Or to grow with their, grow with their fan base. And the ones who don't grow with their fan base to create new content that addresses their palate shift, uh,

You know, they're fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then they go, why are you still doing that? Yeah, they're like, remember? Yeah, it's like they're just doing movies from... They're doing quote... They do stand-up and they do quotes from the movies they were in in 1994. You know what I mean? It's like... And you guys can put together maybe a couple people we're talking about. We don't gotta fucking say who it was exactly. But, you know, it is like the kind of thing where it's like, yeah, you gotta... It's just...

everyone should grow, but, you know, I love that you started in prank calls because it's just so, because it's fucking hilarious to be like, yeah, you have that degree. I mean, you were on The Daily Show for years. You have a news show, you know, a news comedy show, but it's like comedy just starts with the fucking, like,

let's just pick up a phone and piss some people off. There's some base ways to do it. It's crazy because people just go, oh, you're just liberating, you're a fake comedian. It's like, there was 15 years of me sleeping in my car. Yeah, yeah. Cursing out strangers. Totally, doing the worst shows. I literally could not afford to purchase 1,000 CDs at a dollar a pop. Yeah, yeah. I had to self-produce them at $2.50 per. Yeah.

I don't even have the front money to buy enough CDs to make it cheaper. To buy blank CDs. I can't buy. I don't have the money to buy blank CDs. It took me a while, man.

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Were your parents in all, like, because, you know, I know your dad has, like, he's, like, comes from a much more distinguished, he did, like, you know, he actually covered the civil rights, you know, he was in the civil rights. He covered just conflict. Like, my dad was, like, first off, he was, like, the first black at most radio stations he was at. He was a radio news reporter and commentary type guy.

But he would also just volunteer to go to just the dangerous shit. Really? Yeah. But he knew it's because he would get more access. Right. Because no white reporter. Right, right, right. My father literally covered the South African Soweto riots. Wow. And then the Zimbabwe-Rhodesian Civil War. Damn, dude. Just, you're hired, Wood. Thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a ticket to Africa. They shooting at niggas. Yeah.

And I'd like to cover it. And they're like, go right the fuck ahead. They're like, wow, that actually saves us. We were going to have to do an awkward thing where we had to pretend. You know, we had to make a decision about who we were going to send to Africa. But thank you for being the one to volunteer. And he would get shot at, report, win awards, and just kept moving up the ladder. I mean, he did Vietnam. He was embedded over there. Civil rights movement. Chicago in the 60s, like the rise of violence over there and riots. So...

Yeah, he was very revered. My mom's been a college educator forever, and so she's very, huh-huh. Right, right, right, right. So she wasn't a fan. And then you're like, all right, Mom and Dad, can I have a fart machine for Christmas? I have to make prank calls. So I got the little bit of bread I had before I started, like,

I think I was 13, I started raking leaves around the neighborhood. - Hell yeah, dude. - And that was to get Nintendo tapes and sneakers. - Love it. - 10 yards front, 15 front and back. - Love it. - Tell me no, I take leaves from a house I already raked.

and I wait till dark and I put leaves in your yard wait a week come back to your house new customer it would be a real shame if there was some more leaves on your front lawn wouldn't it be that's what I would do I would create low level leaf extortion payments I'm like Trump baby I create the problem then I give you the solution baby hey that TikTok's fucked up and I fixed it

So I would take that money and I would get subscriptions to... I didn't do baseball cards. I should have. Yeah, yeah. Because you are a big baseball guy. I did Game Pro, Electronic Gaming Monthly, and Mad Magazine. Love that, yeah. Those subscription costs is where I spent most of my money. And my pops would see that Mad Magazine...

what is this monkey shit? Because he just didn't fuck with humor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny to think about. Mulaney talked about the same thing where it's like his dad was like, he was like, so what? What do you want to be, Steve Martin? And he said it like it was an insult. And Mulaney's like, that would actually be insane if I could achieve that. But like his dad, Steve Martin's like a fucking...

pathetic clown. It's so funny to be the kind of people that love comedy that your dad couldn't even... He just thought it was a waste of time. Couldn't tap his hand. Because there was the idea that

You're trying to be funny at a time where there's a lot of serious stuff going on. We ain't got time for these laughs. We got to mobilize. Right, right, right, right. My father was one of the original investors in Soul Train. Oh, wow. The television show. That's fucking awesome. So he hired Don Cornelius. That's huge. He hired Don Cornelius. That's crazy. Don Cornelius, you can Google this shit. Don Cornelius was a Chicago cop. He pulled my father over. Really? Don Cornelius was a cop? I had no fucking idea. For a year. Oh, okay. For a year. So not long enough to hit him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So pulls my pops over and my pops tells him, yo, you got a nice voice. You should be in radio. Here's my card. Come do radio news. Wow. Don thinks about it, dips off and starts working at WVON in Chicago and builds his media, began his journey in the media. And, you know, I'm not going to act like my dad was like the main front man or something. Other people gave money.

But when it came time for the Soul Train pilot to be sold, Don couldn't get it sold. And it was taking longer than expected. And my pops goes, hey, man, I know you got this little dancing show that you're doing, but I need my money back. And Don Cornelius, too, I mean, I'm paraphrasing again, but basically was like, trust me, this is going to be a hit.

The train of soul is a moving, grooving thing. And if Dick Clark can make money like this, I think there's an opportunity for black America. When the 70s come, we're going to get into a whole different vibe in this country. To which my father said, and I quote, don't nobody want to watch niggas dance for an hour. So he's anti-dancing and comedy. Get through a finger. Dr. King just got shot. Yeah.

- All right. - Fucking Detroit riots. Like, when you think about what the 60s were for black people. - For sure. - And then some dude goes, "You know it'd be fun if we just danced. It'll be a 40 year empire. Shut the fuck up and bring me my fucking money back." So that's who my father was. - Yes, yes. - He did not fuck with fun. - He did not fuck with fun.

You know how people have their, I remember sitting with my dad and we watched the ball game and we watched the special show. My father and I, these are the shows we watched ever together as a fucking unit. Yeah, yeah.

60 Minutes, Dan Rather, 2020, specifically John Stossel stories, C-Span, and Jeopardy. Wow. Yeah. That's who he was. Jeopardy's the funnest it got. Jeopardy's the funnest it got, dude. Yeah, so I just, I don't know, man. I grew up an only child. I got a bunch of half siblings, but I grew up living in my own head. So like that's where the...

Funny and weird shit started. My mom was against it. Have siblings on your dad's side? Yeah, of course. So I see the kind of fun he did fuck with. There was a specific way he preferred to blow off steam. I am the ninth of 11 kids.

That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome.

Hi, Daddy. How are you, son? You're doing your duty to the cause. My mom didn't fuck with me doing comedy because I was on probation when I started. Okay. And so she wanted me to, like, stay in school. But I got arrested when I was 19 for stealing credit cards. Oh, respected. The credit card scam. Yeah. People forget this.

90s yeah that there was a was there a dead prez song that told you how to how to steal identities i believe i could have wrote it there's yeah there was a there's like the credit card fraud was a big one people don't understand how wild credit card usage was in the 90s there was no chip right it's just the number it's literally the number the you had to sign the back of the card

If it wasn't signed, then that was like running through TSA without stopping. Yeah. But otherwise, as long as you had a card, they would do a physical imprint of the card. They had carbon copy machines. And that was like, so if someone had a piece of that carbon copy, I have your full card number and your name as it appears on the card. And in those days, you didn't even need a billing address to mail order. Hilarious. So it's like...

It was just so simple and easy. We just figured out a number of different ways to fucking get free clothes. Yeah. And we'd take the clothes and sell them sometimes. Yeah. Got caught, got on probation, got suspended from school for a semester for this shit. So during that suspended semester is when I started doing stand-up. So I get back in school.

And you're in college, right? Correct. I'm at Florida A&M, Tallahassee. So my mom, you know, she's, I'm going to be on top of it and see what the fuck is going on. And you're not going to be fucking up anymore. And I'm going to fucking chuck up on you. And my mom went there and my father taught there. So they've got a bin Laden network. Right, right, right, right. Keeping an eye on you. Yes, yes. So I don't, to this day, I don't know who. Someone in the journalism department sent my mother my class schedule.

And that first semester back after my suspension, I was taking 15 credit hours in three days, Tuesday through Thursdays. And I had like one night class on a Monday, but literally from eight to five.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, just education. 15 minute break in between. Fuck a lunch. Yeah. Just go. Gonna get it done. I did that so that I could have Thursday night and Friday morning to take the Greyhound to go do open mics anywhere in the South. Because Greyhound is fucking eight hours to go four hours in a car. That's crazy. But I need it Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I need Monday on the comeback. Yeah. To get back to Tallahassee. Yeah. So my mom sees my...

The schedules. What the fuck? Why aren't you spreading your shit out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I just want some days off. Yeah, yeah. And then one of her students saw me sleeping in the bus station in Birmingham like a couple months later. And Birmingham is small enough socially. Yeah.

Totally. My father, and I say this humbly, but my father, he died my senior year of high school. Okay. Highly respected man in the city of Birmingham. We're talking about a city that's 75% black, Birmingham proper. My father was for black people, so his name rang out. For sure. And you're named after him, right? Ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why is the son of Roy Wood Sr.?

Sleeping on a fucking Greyhound bus. Correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next to homeless people openly doing crap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that gets back to my mom, and she's fucking furious. Right. But I was on Dean's list. Ah, nice. Grades come out like a month later, and I go, here's the deal. If my grades are solid, you can't say shit to me about comedy. Right. We don't talk about it. I won't tell you about it.

You're concerned about my grades. Yeah. Clearly my grades are better because I have something to focus on. Yeah. I was respectful. Of course. I didn't go like fucking punch a Brewster on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut the fuck up, Harry. Is that his name? I think that was the guy's name. I don't remember. So she said, cool. And then about six months later, my mom put down on a car.

for me to start driving so I wouldn't sleep in the bus station. Awesome. Still didn't fuck with me doing comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, I don't want you on crack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want you inhaling crack fumes. Crack fumes, at least. Yeah, I mean, she's my biggest fan now. Yeah, now it's easy. But your parents, they're just trying to protect you from your own stupidity. For sure. And I get it, but, you know, I had to make good grades as a way to keep peace. Yeah.

And it actually was the best thing that ever happened to me. But it would be like three, four more years before my mom would even acknowledge that maybe I would do this as a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's better. I mean, I can't even imagine. It's like we were talking about the parental locks. It's like, dude, if somebody's parents are supportive of them doing stand-up, they're bad parents. Right.

Like, there's no, like, they're just bad parents. If you're like, because it makes no fucking sense. You should be like, all right, whatever. Like, you should, if your son starts doing open mics, anybody who's listening, treat it like, you know, he started smoking weed and you're like, all right, well, hopefully he comes out of his system and like, it's not going to, everyone does something stupid in their youth and like, you know, and then if he, and then if he does it more, if he's like starting to drive and take greyhounds, that's,

uh-oh, now he's taking pills. You know what I mean? And then he's like, I think I'm going to move to New York. It's like, fuck, they're on heroin. You know what I mean? All the shit you can name that happens on a Greyhound, I didn't see it. Yeah. Motherfuckers jacking off, women waking up, what the fuck, motherfucker? Like, fighting and shit. Yeah, fights. Drivers kicking people off. The most painful shit was...

Every Blue Moon, when we would take the Greyhound, I'd take the Greyhound. I call it the dog. Sure, take the dog. I only did a little dog. Luckily, I had the Megabus. Went from Baltimore. I was in Baltimore. I was in the Megabus days. Right at the edge of Megabus territory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did a lot of Megabus. But I had to... If the gigs were really shitty at the beginning, I did have to take a couple Greyhounds. But I got just a taste. I did everything one go-round. I got so lucky. I didn't have to do it over and over. I did like...

D club, C club, you know what I mean? Like, I did it all. I did it nine years before I moved to LA. It's fucking horrible, dude. And the worst part of the Greyhound rides were you would ride up past Parris Island for Marine Corps basic training. Okay.

And I'm not going to say we were right up on the gate. That part I don't remember. But I do remember there was specifically a stop at Parris Island where they picked up Marines who had either quit or been kicked out. Damn. Whatever the fuck you thought your life was supposed to be has not happened. And this moment on the bus is the first real moment. Damn.

that this person is having a what the fuck next. Yes, yes. Moment of self-reflection after leaving the Marines. Because that was the dream. That's what you were going to do. And for whatever reason, you're on a goddamn Greyhound with me and two masturbators. Someone smuggling some shit. And just the look of frustration, sometimes tears, sometimes crying. And it's wild because I wish I could go back

And like, this should be a reality show of just fucking someone on a bus that pulls up to Paris Island or we'll go further to Fayetteville for the army. Like just fucking don't be sad guy. He just sits down next to me. These are like 18 year olds and 19 year olds. Totally. Hey man, you know what's going on? It's all good, man. You got time. Yeah. You're in shape. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

You don't have to kill anyone in the third world to protect our global interests. Yeah. You're fine, bro. That shit used to make me so sad because I just never knew what to... Like, you ever see a stranger you want to say something to? Totally. You don't know what the fuck to say. Nah. Folks, I'm here in a green room of historic theater on my very successful Dreamboat tour, and I got to tell you, when I'm kicking back, I'm about to do the show, and when it's over...

I'm going to get it very twisted. I'm going to keep it twisted with, that's right, twisted tea. We love sucking them back on the tour bus. We love that they're delicious, that they're brewed with real iced tea. A nice, refreshing 5% alcohol by volume. Flavorful. Delectable. You want plain iced tea. You want peach. You want raspberry. They got it all. When you want to go keep it twisted on a nice day...

sip, get having a picnic, sipping on a twisted tea, nothing finer. You'll love it. Just like me and Eldis and straight George, who some of you might know who's on the tour. Look, we're keeping it twisted on the bus, off the bus, responsibly, deliciously. And we suggest you keep it twisted to go, go to your local purveyor of fine beverages and

And get a nice cold twisted tea. You're going to thank me. I think you're really going to thank me for that. So remember, folks, grab a refreshing twisted tea today and keep it twisted. Those days were fucking wild, man. The road, you know, I was nine years. Just whatever anyone said, yes, I didn't give a fuck. Yeah. If it was a microphone, I'm in that bitch. I performed and I'm not making this up.

At the Monticello Watermelon Festival in Monticello, Florida. Or was it Medford, Oregon? I think it's Medford that has the Watermelon Festival. Interesting. Yeah. Was it good? I mean, that's pretty... I would love to attend a Watermelon Festival. You couldn't do it? It was one step too far? Performing there's enough? Yeah. I feel like... I feel like... Just type in Monticello, Florida Watermelon Festival. I think it was Monticello. I know Medford...

Has one as well. There it is, yeah. It exists. Yeah, there it is. Monticello Watermelon Festival. Looks good, man. No, it's everything that's wrong with comedy. Everything that ruins comedy. Miss Watermelon Queen. Yeah. It's a day show. It's outdoors. Mm-hmm.

And it's racially imbalanced. Yeah, that stuff is just a bunch of white people enjoying watermelon. They're like, and now? And you have to work clean. It's a festival. I call it 8 to 80. It's 8-year-olds to 80-year-olds. Oh, my God. Look at this shit. Let's see how far you have to scroll before you see a black person. We saw an Asian before.

We saw an Asian? No. Oh, sorry. Instagram blocked us, folks. You're going to have to check out the Monticello Water Festival on your own. It's in its 73rd year. It's been around forever. It was a gig. Yeah, man. It was a gig. And it's not like they were like, let me make sure I'm framing this because I know people get it. And luckily your father had passed away by then. He didn't have to hear about you. He had the monologue. He had to roll down to that bitch. Motherfucker, get off that fucking stage.

What is this monkey shit? But let me just make it perfectly clear. Yes. The watermelon is like a big cash crop in Monticello, Florida, and they celebrate the harvest with a big festival here. Hooray, the town's making money. Yes. That's the origins of the festival. Of course, of course. So it's just there to celebrate the culture of the town. It's not like I got on stage and white people were like, he wants it, he wants it. Yeah.

It was a very proper event. Yes. But it's just... Still, a horrible... A day festival, one of the worst possible. A day festival as a black guy celebrating watermelon. Yeah. A little odd. Please don't put my photo on the flyer.

Yeah, or at least one where I'm frowning. You just don't know. Fuck. Well, there's so much more we want to talk about, but we do have to fucking, we do have to get to some questions, including the one thing I didn't get to is how much I love that you were a Dolphins fan because teal and orange were the only non-gang affiliated colors.

That were, like, easy for you to, like... You wouldn't get beat the fuck up if you were wearing... The football teams that were good in the 80s and 90s, the Dolphins were the only ones with gang-safe colors. Yeah, that's so fucking funny. Niners were bloods, Cowboys were crips. The Steelers were gangster disciples. Damn, dude. So you couldn't even wear a Bo Jackson Raiders jersey, and he's from Birmingham area. You couldn't even wear that because it's gangster disciples. That's black. Like, they ran Birmingham. Yeah. So...

whatever team, you better be a fucking Packers fan or some shit.

It's just fucking hilarious to be like, yep, Teal. Yeah, but Marino was respected. Also, Marino was respected because he had two black receivers that were very ignorant as fuck. I didn't know. Like T-O-1.0 type of thing. Oh, yeah, I love that. Mark Clayton and Mark Duper. They were very good. They were more Tyreek Hill. Tyreek, sure, sure, sure. That's fun. So, yeah. You got it. Your receivers and your cornerbacks have to be fucking insane. Yeah, man.

Yeah, Marino was good, man. And they have to believe you're the man. So it kept me from getting teased at school. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Elders, why don't we do a couple calls here? You know, we have some advice, a lot of wisdom over here. The man's got a journalism degree. He's seen guys beating off old greyhounds. He's seen it all. It took me five years to graduate. Yeah.

Yeah, we heard you do that class three times. All right, Elders, what do we got here, buddy? Hi, sorry, hi, Elders. Hi, Jeff. We'll try this again. Dumbass. So I was switching up at half-level break.

I, sorry, I guess I'll try this again. So, as the situation will happen over break, Thanksgiving and Christmas, we'll keep you in on. Anyways, from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve and Christmas, I spent every weekend and every holiday with my girlfriend's family. I had a great time doing it. We had fun. It was awesome. But I missed my family, obviously.

So for New Year's Eve, my brother and sister invited my girlfriend and I to dinner. They live like three hours away, so we were going to drive up on the 30th to New Year's Eve and leave the 1st. So only really seeing them on the 31st.

Um, so this is the restaurant. My girlfriend, Amelia doesn't want to get anything on the menu. Um, I mentioned they can make accommodations for certain ingredients and she suggested that we ask changing the restaurant. Um, and this is the restaurant, this is her favorite restaurant. And they both did like months ahead of time. Yeah.

I said, no, we're not going to do that. She said, well, what if we just don't put dinner and we eat without them? And that was like a two- or three-hour dinner of most of the day that I wasn't going to get to spend with them. And then she suggested she just eat beforehand.

My feelings were hurt because I feel like she was trying to get all these accommodations and changes to the plans that my brother and sister had purchased inside of this. I didn't like that. I understand she wants to be a priority and she deserves to be, but I felt just because this day was a priority to spend time with my brother and sister and for them to get to know her. She hadn't met her before. Oh, wow. So I just felt like...

I feel like I've spent every weekend up until now with her family and now it's only about my family and she's making it all about her um, one of the power through um So what do you think is this a giant red flag and put one off? Let me know. Yeah, I mean that's fucking She's I mean, that's fuck. It sounds really fucking annoying minimum um

Yeah, you spent every fucking holiday with her family. You probably didn't say shit. You were trying to make a good impression. Like, I guess it's one thing if she was like, I'm allergic to everything on this menu. But it's like, she just didn't like the food? That's insane. To be like, can we change this? It's like, no. It's like, she's not... The fact that her mindset isn't like, oh...

We saw your family. You made a great impression. Let me go. Yes. Let me go, like, have them like me. And it's like, look, if I don't like the food there, yeah, fuck it. I'll have a sandwich beforehand and I'll pick at some shit. But I'll make it about... Because no one's policing what you're eating either. It's so clearly about the dinner. It's so clearly about getting to know each other. It's a New Year's dinner. It's just...

You're drinking. You're just having a good time. Like, the whole idea is it's not about the food at all. And it is... That is red flag behavior, in my opinion. Yes, but is it enough to ring her up, put her on waivers? I don't think so. I think it's enough for, like, a demerit. All right, you got to call a team meeting. Yeah, absolutely. Here's the move. You put this as...

You can do it one of two ways. If it were me, I would press her to still go to the dinner. Sure. I think go to the dinner. Listen, I want to have fun with them on their terms. I met with your family on your terms and I want them to feel, you know, comfortable. This is her favorite restaurant. It's her night. It's her event. She's inviting us into that space. Right. So we're not going to change the venue to.

We can go, if you want to just nibble on something and we do something afterwards, cool. The problem with option two is that you're opening the door to always accommodating her wants and needs when the situation doesn't fit, which means she'll feel like she never has to adapt. Yeah, yeah. If she has an inability to adapt to your social situations or even read the social cues that

She's fucking wild for calling a restaurant to ask if they got almond milk. Can you make the fucking Alfredo with almond butter? No, they can't. It's fucking regular fat ass butter. You probably have someone in your presence, my friend. This is bigger picture. You have someone that

is not yet capable of putting their needs sometimes second, which is what a real relationship is about. For sure. Taking turns being uncomfortable. That's love. She doesn't want to take her turn. Right. Absolutely. And you've more than done your part in doing Thanksgiving and Christmas. I mean, by the way, New Year's is barely a fucking holiday. You need to stay your ground on that Thanksgiving Christmas shit too.

split those up or we do one in one or we do half of one and half of another because what it sounds like is that she's trying to merge you into her culture and doesn't really give a fuck about choice which means she just needs a dude that is compliant she doesn't care about love she cares about somebody that's compliant because in her head she's already built out the role of husband and you're just either me or her is my own shit coming out no no no this is great this is great

You got to split those holidays. To be fair though, to your wife, you have nine half siblings. That's a lot of Thanksgivings. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Everybody gets gift cards. I don't fucking visit. I don't visit. I got one nephew here in New York. I fuck with him. Yeah, yeah. Because he's 30 minutes on the trail. Right, right, right. But, yeah, I think that... No, I think you're right, Roy, where it's like this is... Yeah, it's about... There's no compromise here. And she has kind of... And I...

I would just be, this isn't necessarily a deal breaker. Maybe she could just honestly be immature and be a little like ignorant of the social cue. And hopefully if you have like a, hey, this kind of hurt my feelings because I feel like I did everything I needed to with your family. And this is really the only one time. And I really would hope that, you know, you'd be thinking about trying to make a nice impression and spend time with them. I really want you to get to know them.

The food, all this other stuff is immaterial. Let's be honest. What it's about is like spending time with my family. And I think like, you know, and just, I think that's really what the discussion is. And look, I don't know how old he is. Did he say? It doesn't matter if she's dumb enough to sit for three hours and not eat shit. It's going to look weird. It could just be some young shit. That was my only caveat here, right? Where it's like, and look, but you're right too, Roy, in that,

Maybe she just isn't ready to just be in a real... Because meeting each other's families over the holidays is a really big...

If this goes well, we take it to the next level. If this doesn't, we have to reassess. And there is... You have grounds for light reassessment here, is what I would say. Is that, like, this is enough to be, like, to see, is she really selfish, actually? Was she just acting weird? Did she just... Did she have one fuck-up where she wasn't really... Did she not realize how important this was to you? Because also, a girl like this, what you're talking about, about wanting to, like, absorb you into their culture...

There's people that would love that. There's people that hate their fucking families. In college, I had a college girlfriend. I was like, oh, I have a fucking excuse not to go to Thanksgiving. Like, I was pumped. I fucking never went. It was awesome. And so, like, she can find those people exist.

Maybe she's looking for that, but maybe also she just didn't understand how important this was to you. And to her, maybe it was like... Because if you take the importance off it, right? If it's just, hey, we got dinner plans with like... You know, we got dinner plans. Then the food does kind of matter. But if it's like, no, it's not about the dinner, you fucking idiot. It's about my family. Correct. If she missed that whole part, then it's possible if she just like...

looks at it from your perspective and she's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize all this stuff. I get it. Would I hold my breath if that's what's going to happen? No, but yeah. Here's the olive branch you throw also because you're going to have this argument and it's time to split Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Next time we hang with them, we'll pick the restaurant. Yeah. Give her some control. Let her choose the fucking place. But in the short term, call a team meeting and see what the fuck is going on. Yeah. She starts crying and acting weird and saying that you don't... I'm just saying. You don't care about me. Right. Whatever. Then that motherfucker's irrational. Yes. And then the way you circumvent that, if you... Because this sounds like the type of guy who needs, like, four or five strikes before he pulls the trigger. Yeah.

That's how I am. I think, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like you. I'm really fucking trying. For sure. God damn it. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to email Starvy. So you have to make sure that you're not letting her dictate every fucking single thing you all do socially. But if they're taking your words out of context or misreading your tone, write a letter. Trust me. Putting it in writing is actually helpful sometimes. No one reads letters mean.

Yeah. They assume you to be in your nicest form. You know, if you tell her, she's like, I'm going to cry now. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, buddy, grounds for a slight reassessment here. Yeah, but if you cut it loose, let us know. Send a picture. We'll set it straight. Yeah.

All right, damn, that is fucking annoying. Get in their DMs. Heard what happened to you at New Year's. That guy's a fucking idiot. You're so cute. I can't believe he would treat you that way. Go ahead, Elders. Dude, I fucked a...

I fucked a guy's girlfriend one time off the radio. I love that. I don't even have time for these stories. Oh, we do, brother. Some guy called the radio station. He was like, can you prank call my girlfriend? No! He requested the prank call. He fucked his girlfriend.

Devastating. So I prank call her. But the prank was like... You're like, hey, it's a really good prank. It was the prank. Because you're at the end of the prank. Again, hey, it's the radio station. Your boyfriend put us up to this. And also your boyfriend wanted us to tell you. Ba-ba-da-ba. Harp, violin, violin. Right. And she's like, oh, no. You like her? Yeah. Oh, no.

Alright, we're going to email you about the prize. We're going to email her about the prize and that motherfucker replied with her phone number. I was just going to give you the ludicrous CD.

I'm just sitting there picking up information to come get the CD. Why don't you bring it to my house? Wow, dude. That's incredible. My 20s were a wild time. Read this next one. What a time. Respect, dude. The woman I want to date is probably watching. This poor guy.

that fucking idiot all these podcasts that i do like this where it's just fucking off fucking around yeah always end up saying some shit that i have to explain that's the that's the magic of this man it really just feels like hanging out that's the problem it's not magic i was better at this shit when i was in a relationship because i would fucking behave yeah yeah no i just talk shit and then i would it's

It's not even going to be today. It'll be like a year from now. For sure. So I was listening to some podcasts of yours. Yeah. Is that what you did? Yeah. Did you just fuck people you met on the radio? Yes. Yeah. That's the whole point. Everyone does everything. Definitely the reason comedians do comedy. All the time.

All of us were like, this will be how it happens. And it did somehow. We don't understand it. This is a great decision. Yeah. I've put all everything else makes no sense. But I will get attention from women if I do this. That's that's how it starts. That's always how it fucking starts. And yeah, sometimes we fuck women. We don't deserve to actually almost exclusively, to be honest with you. Yeah.

Jeez, Louise, you know, right now we're a finely oiled machine here at Stabby Baby Enterprise. We're going on theater tours. We're selling truckloads of merchandise, whether it's a Dreamboat t-shirt or the Stabby Baby calendar that we do yearly. But that wasn't always the case. We used to be a bum operation. We were selling things. We had shitty spreadsheets. There was no one helping me. I was doing it all myself. I'm too fucking dumb to do that kind of shit.

That was in a pre-Shopify world. Now with Shopify, we've blossomed. As my business and my career has grown, Shopify has made it easy to scale up our merch selling operation as we've gotten more fans, more interested in our stuff. Whatever you're trying to sell, you got a little online shop, you want to sell, you know, I don't know, you making arts and crafts, you making soaps, you selling dried meats, whatever

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Oh, that's another sale, baby. All right, Eldest, what do we got, Eldest? What else we got? Robbie, Eldest, possible guests. Love you guys, love the show. Let's dive in. So my question is not centered around but involves the recent election. Hmm.

Doesn't matter what party I usually vote for, on a personal level, on a human level, I feel like a man like Donald Trump is unfit to be the legal head and international representative of not just my own country, but also, you know, arguably, potentially the greatest, or most, I don't know about the greatest, but most powerful country. Annoying. Who's SGA president called then, man?

Jesus Christ. I also love that he says it doesn't matter who I usually vote for. So are we dealing with a never-Trump Republican? One of the funniest types of guys. Like, well, I want to fucking... I want to start wars, but civilly. I want to be able to lower the minimum wage to $7, but call someone sir or madam. It really pisses me off that he paid porn stars for pussy, but I want to do essentially the same stuff he wants to do.

I love those guys. Those guys are awesome. You don't pay them. You're giving them an internship. You just transfer them out of your office. Who is paying for vaginals?

Those guys are fucking awesome. Anyway, this guy's awesome. Keep going, Eldest. Most powerful country to ever exist in the history of the Earth. And I just learned that one of my oldest and dearest friends of 15 years just didn't vote in the last election. And I think there are a handful of reasons that could be justified.

But we had a long conversation about it and we both got the chance to say our piece. And after hearing his whole side of the story, I cannot help but see him as anything, as not just a coward and a bitch. And it's,

It's making me so depressed. It bums me out every time I think about him. Because it's just like, he's one of my oldest friends. I love him to death. And I thought I had a stronger ally in the humanity part of being a human. Really?

And I learned that corporate Democrat. I mean, are you fucking paying attention, bro? Jesus Christ. This is what we delude ourselves into thinking. It's like, look, of course, don't vote for Trump. But are we pretending like shit's been going good with fucking Joe Biden? Didn't even know he was fucking alive half his term.

The humanity of this shit? Are you kidding me? Kamala couldn't win a fucking... Anyway, this is fucking... Yeah, this is... This is crazy. Let's finish it. This is a simple solution. Human.

And I love him to death. I'm not ready to throw away a 15-year friendship, but as much as I try, I've been arguing about it with myself alone in my apartment for a month now, and I cannot mount a successful argument against myself that he's actually that good of a guy if he's willing to just stand aside and let that kind of a man take the reins of our own country. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here, but Stavi, you're wiser than I. Love you guys. Love the show. Thanks so much. Ciao.

I mean, wow, I have plenty of thoughts. First of all, I didn't vote for either of them. So stop listening to the show. Now, caveat, I live in New York. Like, if I lived in a battleground state, maybe it would have oppressed me more. I probably would have. Who knows what push comes to shove? But, like, there are caveats here. Where do you live? But go ahead, Roy. You actually fucking, you know. Is the issue itself...

This is a message about how could you not vote, but it sounds like a how could you not vote for Kamala. Right. Like if you voted, if you voted for the Green Party, how would you feel? You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I don't know. I think, Joe, Joe, thank you for the message. Thanks for the call, Joe. I think that.

You cannot save this friendship if there is no respect. Now, we can argue the idea, and this is what all the voter apathy boils down to. Yeah. It's fucking, do you want the captain or the, which drunk pilot do you want to try and land? Yeah. That's politics. Hey, everybody, we're getting ready to crash. We have two captains up here. One's drunk, one's on shrooms. Right.

Which would you like to vote? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Joe's buddy is in the back going, neither of these are good fucking captains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck it, let's crash. Yeah.

I don't just, I'll just say it as a broader sense. I don't agree with not voting. And you're going to still complain about shit. If you don't vote, people are going to go, well, I didn't vote. I didn't vote in this country as fuck. Well then what are you doing to, to dethrone the, the two party system or whatever? Trevor Noah showed me a South African that he has in his office, like Mandela's ballot from the, the year he won when he got out of prison. And,

Just like 20 motherfuckers on the ballot. And it's like, that looks like a nice level-headed country where you have some level of all the candidates. Everybody's invited to the debate. So I understand the despair that your friend has in choosing not to vote. But if you feel, and clearly you do, this strongly about politics, you got to let that friendship die because there's nothing you're going to be able to do. But it's also like...

So you're not going to be friends with anyone that voted for Trump? I mean, that's all because like if the thing is my friend didn't vote for Kamala Harris so I can't be friends with them anymore. Like that's – and your issues with Trump, which I guess whatever. I mean, I'm not pumped that Trump is president. But again, it's like what if your friend had real issues with Gaza? Yeah.

I mean, what if he had fucking issues with like, you know, like like there were things that the fucking that the Democrats did that say that they said they weren't going to change anything about that. It's like I understand if it's a deal breaker for certain people to not vote for it. And it's even if I didn't agree with it. Right. And it's like this also opens up the philosophical discussion of do you have you don't have any friends that voted for Trump?

And then it's like, if you want things to change, you gotta also have, like, you gotta be open to... Because I have friends who fucking... I mean, they're actually older relatives or whatever, but I also have friends who, like...

You know, it's like there aren't people that I think there are people that vote for Trump that aren't totally all the way gone. Correct. Right. That it's like. But those people, I believe those people are more single issue voters and it's good. It's like the whole fracking thing. If you are a fracker or a coal motherfucking Trump come in town and go, I fix coal.

You don't give a fuck about deportations and birthright citizenship. I'm trying to eat right here. And this dude say he got me. So you're in such a despair. You're not even going to look through all the facts and look at the multilayered corporations that are lying and that they actually aren't going to do anything to help your industry get back off the ground. I think that this election, this term with Trump, it would be helpful, but

To have, and I don't want to say softer approach because it's, because liberals look at it as I have to sacrifice my humanity for your comprehension of why what's happening is bad for me. Right. Right. So I'm not going to table my humanity to get to put knowledge into this person's head. But if you all stayed friends and just periodically you bring up whatever the fuck that's going on or this thing,

It may be an opportunity to help get some policy permeated. Because I think a lot of people who voted for Trump are going to look up, unless Trump is smart enough to know how to blame the Democrats at midterms for what he hasn't delivered on. If there are promises he has not delivered on, it will not be seen as incompetence within his administration. It'll be seen as incompetence.

Well, they're blocking me from doing the shit that I want to do. And you know this too. It's like how many times, every time there's a big win, there's always the midterms. Historically, it always comes back a little bit. You know what I mean? Like it's always like that's just how politics works because you get in office promising a bunch of shit that doesn't happen. And so there's always like, you know, it always comes back. So, yeah, I mean.

I can imagine this guy's friend too. This guy sounds like every time any politics thing comes up, he's going straight to the humanity of the greatest, most powerful country in the world. How many people did we kill in Iraq?

It's like, what the fuck? America fucking sucks, dude. I don't think Joe is wrong in that regard. I just don't think that that is an effective verbiage to reach people anymore. But it's also get off your fucking high horse. Voting compared... Are you actually doing anything or did you actually vote? You know what I mean? It's like, I do take a little umbrage with these people that act like they've done... They have like their fucking civil servants of 30 years because they cast a vote and maybe...

you know, because it was easy for them to do. It's like, Joe, are you that much better than your friend? Really? Like, that's my other question. That depends on, and that's why I say it goes back to who did you vote for versus voting at all? Because if it's voter apathy and you just didn't take part in the system, I forget what the percentage was this year.

pretty high population but it was well over half yeah which is right not the norm yeah yeah yeah okay records it was like what did trump have like 83 million votes to like 77 yeah i don't know and i did vote for everything else by the way it was a i was objecting to the it was like a i live in a state that's gonna get carried by the democrats anyway and i am objecting to how

how Biden fucking... Like, the hubris of Biden to run again instead of finding... Democrats had four years to find a fucking successor. Yeah, 77 million to 75, so it's a little over half the country. We're at 300 million as a nation. So, yeah. I... Yeah, that's crazy. I feel like I don't... Just to his question, because we can stay all day on the politics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If, Joe, if you feel that strongly about politics...

I do not see a path through for this friendship. Sure. Because you all have been friends until it hits something that truly means something to you that you are not going to bend on, nor should you.

I just don't think that you, you know, you can kind of demote people to an outer sphere. But if you're like me, it's either you're either inner circle or you're fucking Pluto. Right. Like, I don't really have an in between. I kind of know what you're talking about. Yeah, I guess that's fair. If we just if we're looking at this and look, I agree. Like, if this thing is that if you have really thought about it and it's that important to you, then yes.

But I don't know that this is exactly the kind of thing that I would lose a friendship over. Like I said, I'm friends with people that I straight up disagree with. And I would just think as a human being, this is an issue. If we're casting aside people that you have...

divisiveness is a problem. And if you're casting aside a 15 year French, if there's not more common ground, then it's like, how are you going to find common ground with people that you have less in common with? And how are we going to actually move forward with something that, because the real division, that's fair. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, it's like, we got it. We got it. We, we,

A lot of Trump voters have a lot more in common with you than they do with the ruling class that's actually sowing discord here. That's my sort of thought here. And I think we've learned that as comedians because we've been on the road and we've seen every voting...

block and demo at a granular level where you see someone as an individual but when you put them in a collective it completely looks different. Definitely, yeah. Also, but I completely understand

why some people voted for Trump. Like, it's not, for a lot of people in this country, it's not about the bigger picture. It's just about what's happening for them on their street. And if it's so bad that you're willing to believe a potential lie, then it's like the comics who open for known joke thieves. Yeah. Does that make sense? Sure. Yeah, yeah. You want to look. Have you no shame working in that administration? It's like, look, I need a couple grand a weekend, man. What do you want from me, dude? My fucker is paying me nice. Yeah.

And I'm like, you should be in the struggle. The Monticello Watermelon Festival needs an opener. 200. No gas, no hotel. No gas, no hotel. As many watermelons as you can carry. But no bags.

So anyway, dude, that's our thought here. And, you know, at the end of the day, your enemy is not your year of 15, your friend of 15 years. It's, you know, billionaires who are trying to fucking keep everybody else fucking down. And that's another thing that shocked me. I went on Theo's podcast and I talked about how historically the...

conservatives are who billionaire who like the ruling class new billionaire support and this is how good their propaganda is that people didn't believe me they were like that's not true the the the richest people support democrats it's like

That's just like a fact you can find in terms of... Like, you can find that in terms of... And it might be more individual billionaires, but in terms of straight money that is poured in, it's always, historically, there's... I would be willing to... I don't know this for a fact, but it's like...

And it's like historically more has gone in from the richest people to conservative causes and candidates. And now it's even worse with Citizens United because you don't even have to disclose all that fucking shit. But that's the shell game that you're able to play on people who are just figuring out whether or not they're fracking coal mines, whatever the fuck is going to be open tomorrow. Yeah. They don't have time. For sure.

For sure. It's like to them, that's... But anyway, who gives a fuck? Let's get a question about jacking off or something. If Trump said he was... If you worked at Blockbuster Video and Trump said he was bringing back VHS cassettes, you're going to vote for him. You're right. That's your fucking meal ticket. I do miss Blockbuster. Go ahead, Eldis. Stavi, Eldis, what up? What's going on? I need some help. I need advice.

so i'm born and raised in queens nice i moved down south bought a house got a nice job making my money whatever whatever got my girl with me got my two stupid dogs the only thing that sucks is that i miss new york hell yeah dude the problem is i can't afford new york right i got the big beautiful house down here i can't do that back home if i go back home i gotta live with my crazy parents that

Picture Frank and Estelle Casanza from "Stand Up." It ain't happening. Not in my age. And I'm struggling because back home in New York, I was doing stand-up. I had my life. I grew up there. I was embedded into Queens and Long Island, mainly Queens. Love it. But now I'm down here with people that I can't stand. They're all hicks. They all suck.

Oh, he's in a small town. They're just, it's hard to get along with them, you know? I wonder where he's living. We don't have the same interests. They're all like these, everybody wants to be the funniest, biggest man in the room. Like, I'm not acting like myself down here. I miss my old life. He's Vito in New Hampshire. I have a potential for a good life down here, but man, there's something about New York, man. It's like dating that fine Spanish chick from Brooklyn.

Like, she's toxic. You know you shouldn't date her. You might get stabbed. You might get spit on. You might get shot. She might call you the M-word, but you keep coming back for more. For all that's in the mouth. I don't know what to do. He had you the first half. Then he lost it. She might call you her jungle bunny. So you go back to fucking Nigeria. Okay, wow. So this guy is going through the classic...

The cost of living. He's been priced out of New York. He went down south. And I wonder where he's living. Here's a couple things we know true. Yes. It's not a major metropolis because most major metropolises in the south, even New Yorkers will give grace to go

It ain't New York, but it's got at least... No, that happened to me definitely because I have a very similar out view to this guy where mid-Atlantic... I'm from Baltimore, but I've been living... And I remember when I started actually touring...

Anywhere in the South, I was like, this is going to fucking suck. Yeah. These fucking hillbillies. And then you get there, it's like, oh, it's a fucking awesome city. Also, tale number two, he said he did stand up in New York. He hasn't sought to do stand-up where he lives. That means he's not in the city with a comedy scene in the South. And there's not many. There's a few cities with a sustainable...

If you're an alcoholic and the best they got is Mike's Hard Lemonade. Right, right, right, right, right, right. You could make do with that. You run through a couple Brita filters. Level stand-up scenes. Yeah, yeah. So we're talking double-A, triple-A baseball markets here. We're not talking no city with a major sports team in the Big Four. Right, right, right, right. So we're talking Macon, Georgia, Tupelo, Winston-Salem's, Montgomery, Alabama's.

You know, sounds like Knoxville. Yeah. Knoxville has a fucking comedy scene. But I guess I guess Nashville is big now. But I guess look, look, dude, here's what it boils down to for this guy. Is that all right. You like maybe you don't come back to you. You miss this type of lifestyle, right? You miss and you don't have to go straight to New York for

If you're just, A, maybe try maybe a major city in the South, whatever, but...

It doesn't have to be New York or this place. Is there somewhere where you can have, like, anywhere in sort of, like, the Northeast region or the Mid-Atlantic region where it's like, yeah, it's similar. It's, like, the same kind of place. Jersey, even, like, fucking Pennsylvania. Baltimore, you know what I mean? Like, just, like, some kind of city like that where it's, like, kind of similar. Cost of living is lower. You know, whatever. You want to do open mics? I can't stop you, but...

You shouldn't. You got to scratch that itch, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It might be the one outlet for him. True. And it could help him, you know, get a little bit of bread to make this movie we're talking about. Let me stop you right there, Roy. You should never do open mics and say, now this is going to get me some money. You should go into it being like, this is a financial loser, but I like doing it. It's a loss leader. If you randomly get fucking successful, great. I have a feeling that N-word joke was straight out of the act. Yeah, you're right.

The dating the Spanish chick act. That's just closer. I miss violence and racism. I think you try and go to one of those hybrid cities. Go to Raleigh-Durham where they wear bubble vests but eat cheese grits. Yeah, absolutely. One of those New York overlap-ish. Sure. Why do you have to be where you are? Look, you don't want to go back to living with your fucking parents. But look, at the end of the day, if you also love New York,

then maybe it is Long Island, maybe it is the suburbs, maybe it's somewhere on the outskirts. Like, you know, not that a story is cheap, but I just mean like...

If you really love it, you got to go there and make it work. But if you just want, I think a hybrid could work, whether that's somewhere in the South or whether that's somewhere closer to New York with a smaller, you know, a better cost of living, that might be the way to go, little buddy. I just don't think that there is any scenario where you can build the life you want for yourself if you're not first happy. Yeah, that's true. And whatever misery you have in New York...

It's countered by your spirit being fed. And then that could be the inspiration for you to do better and want more and be able to create more and actually parlay with people that's trying to build versus, you know,

Whoever these people you're working with that just want to be the next funny, fake-ass Andrew Schultz. Like, you don't have punchlines. You're right. That's what it sounds like. Sounds like they just do racist jokes with no fucking pizzazz. I'm curious what he even means by that. Because it's like, what, just everybody wants to be the funniest, biggest man in the room. It's like...

Doesn't that kind of also sound like New York? Like, what is New York? A lot of fucking demure personalities? I thought he meant funniest bigoted man. No, no, no. Okay, my bad. Forget all that shit before that. But maybe this is just not your, like, maybe this is just not your culture and you need to move somewhere where you feel comfortable. But look, yeah.

You shouldn't want to... You shouldn't move back home. But yeah, if you think you can stick it out and you really want to move back, do it. But...

Also, there's a grass is greener situation. Like you might get to New York and then the problems, it'll be like, I love it here, but man, I hate this little ass basement apartment. It's like, you really have to think about what's important to you. I do think you can find a nice middle ground personally. You know, I always thought if I, if I, if I had to move out of New York, I don't, you know, I love it here. I don't want to go anywhere, but it's like,

I've been to places where I could be happy and that were cheaper if I needed them to be. But good luck. We have one last question here we're going to wrap up with. Roy, thank you so much for coming, dude. Thank you for having me. Guys. It's my parachute. Yeah. Yeah. Not bad. I've already got my parachute. It's nice. It's nice. It's close enough to Birmingham and shit. And now it's like, I mean, Theo lives there now. Like, it's the...

Club is good. They got a real scene. You can perform every night in Nashville. It was not the norm. Bro, when I started in 98, open mic used to be once a month in some cities. That's fucking wild, dude. Tampa and Atlanta were the only cities that had consistent weekly open mics. Wow. Fucking nuts. That is fucking crazy. All right, Eld. What do you got to take us home here?

Hey, Stav, Elvis, and guests. Uh, this isn't a question, but I just had to leave a message because this was funny. We saw you at Magoobies. Oh, hell yeah. Magoobies joke house. I guess it's been a couple weeks, but, um,

You were calling out dentists for giving away the toothbrush bags and stuff about how much you hate dentists. It was so funny because I'm a dental hygienist. And as soon as I saw you were coming to McGoovies, I texted my boss, the dentist. And so we were both there at the show. And it was just so funny while you were saying that. I was like, please.

Yeah, what the fuck? Fuck you. Well, listen. He has a great sense of humor, but we love you guys. So even though you hate the dentist, we love you. Look, the dentist is fine. But what do I need fucking a shitty toothbrush...

a fucking tube of travel toothpaste and floss in a fucking embroidered little pencil bag. Why do I get that every... You're just giving me trash. Name... I don't need it. Name another branch of the healthcare industry that actually gives you a fucking grab bag. All right. Next time I go to this, I'm giving you my grab bag, Roy. Here's the wild part about the dentist. Yeah.

You ask for a second toothbrush, they get annoyed. Yeah. It's a fucking toothbrush. Give me another one. And they were like, because clearly for me, this is a sneaker cleaning brush. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. Respect. Respect. I'll see. Motherfucker is back there. Come on. You got a tub of them.

You got a tub of them. We will decide. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. It just cost me $800 to be in here. I can't get another toothbrush. Fucking toothbrush. But it's like, you know, you told me to get the fucking electric one. You told me to buy a fucking expensive one. Why are you giving me a fucking, you know, whatever, Oral-B bullshit?

Oh, it's not even Oral-B. It's like, before he says the name, it's like Charles. What fucking brand is this? Yeah. I can get that shit. Delta gives you the same quality toothbrush sometimes. Yeah, oh yeah, the little fucking, that little bag. The little lotion bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, thanks for coming to the Goobs. I always love to get over, oh fuck, I have to deposit that check actually. Oh.

You better. The owner's mad at me, and he's like, and I also might not be there if I keep waiting. Bro, I've worked those clubs. Yeah. All right. We got to end this episode. I got to go to Chase Bank, everybody. Roy, thank you so much. Guys, watch this special. It's so funny. It's on Hulu right now. It also looks fucking incredible, by the way. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Ever since I've produced mine, and I've actually started caring about how specials look since then. Color and angle. It's like...

ground dude it's fuck it might be my favorite since mine came out and we like because we watched a bunch of old ones yours was like I'm gonna be watching it when it's time for the next one to like see how you did a lot of that shit it looked awesome watch Ari Shafir's and get furious too motherfucker got a whole forest on this yeah yeah that's a little much for me I think he overdid it personally I prefer the look of yours I think Ari look the one he did for Jew was really nice and the lighting was interesting and

What are you in a fucking rainforest cafe Ari? Yeah yeah yeah yeah I thought this one was a little much but whatever. I was looking at it and I was like shit what kind of budgets do they got over there? I want to be in the jungle performing.

uh but go watch special now it's on hulu right now lonely flowers and uh yeah we'll see i'm glad we got this done it only took us two years it is funny i should i should send the text we should do a video of the text exchange it's literally like what's up man i'm gonna be recording and it's literally we went back and forth for literally like you were one of the first batch we reached out to when we started the podcast but we got it done and uh

We love it. Thanks for coming, man. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye. Idiot.