#447 - Dating Apps Are Getting Too Specific
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Welcome back to the base Welcome back to the basement yard Frank. How's it going? Are you okay? You're right. What are you? Okay? Why? Joey you got some really troubling news before we started recording and I just wanted to check in on you I know you often speak about how the roots of your desire to be a you know peak physical specimen started with watching a lot of sports growing up and one of your

Sports heroes. Well, I know where this is going now. One of your sports heroes that you often talk about how much you love inside and outside of the world of sports passed away, OJ Simpson. Yeah. Are you okay? Yep, I'm good. Are you sure? I'm all set. Yeah. I will say I had no idea that OJ Simpson had cancer. Apparently he was just like not telling people, which is not uncommon for people in that space. I want to make sure I'm navigating this conversation with grace and cancer.

Care? I was going to say carefulness, but care. I think sensitivity. Sensitivity. That's the one I should use. Yeah, carefulness is not good. What is grace, by the way? Can you explain that? Yeah. Yeah. It's just like an elegance. Floating? I'm picturing floating. I'm picturing a dove.

Doves fly with grace, not like geese. Geese fly with fucking stupid. Geese are dumb. They make a honk. Yo, a bird honking? Figure it out. You're not a honking animal. Fuck the honk. The hiss. Hiss. Hiss, brother. They hiss like snakes? Bro. Geese. Swan. Swans? Swans. Swains. Swains.

And like other birds hiss like they're- you're not snakes. We're not stupid. And you're not- I could see your dumb fucking idiot neck and your shitty ass feathers. Wait, I didn't know that they hiss. Bro. I knew that they honk like "Gunk!" I'm like, bro, you're not a fucking bike bell. But the honk isn't even like a "Gunk." It's more like a "Gunk!" Like a- Like a donkey? Like kind of almost like a donkey. Like an ass? Which are notably stupid fucking animals. Whoa. Donkeys. Are they?

No one looks at a donkey and says, "What a fucking graceful, elegant animal." They're like, "Look at this dumbass idiot." Well, that's because of Shrek, so we have them to blame for that. Are you insulting Donkey from Shrek? He was just a donkey that just wanted to love. He was a moron, and we know this. By the way, I don't know why we haven't spoken about this. The dragon in Shrek? Thick as a fucking bowl of oatmeal, baby. Oh, the one that wants to fuck the donkey? Wants to. Does? How many Shrek movies have you seen?

One? Two? Okay, okay. There are others. The donkey full-on has, like, children. They don't fucking... Oh, oh. Full-on has... Oh, yeah, Joey. The Shrek movie is showing donkey go fucking thigh-deep into this giant dragon. You were walking me right to there. Well, they had... The insinuation was that it happened because they have children. They have offspring.

They're fucking no way a donkey could fuck a dragon pussy listen not with that mentality. All right, no way Look, I'm telling you right now donkey children Shrek they're fucking they got your right Shrek because yeah I don't know what the fuck was gonna pop up there See the eyes of the dragon and I will say and they're just everything else of the day half donkey half dragon a donkey all right a donkey or a

Yeah, I guess that's the only way it would work. Or yeah. Dunkin'. It's good. Dunkin'? Dunkin', yeah. Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah. What I would do for a donut right now. Don't make me fucking start. Listen, listen, listen. Have you ever had crumbled cookies? Crumbled. What? Just words. Just say them. I can't. Have you ever had crumbled cookie?

What is wrong with you right now? No, that's what it's called, I think. The company is called, like, Crumble Cookies or something. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you were trying to say, like, a crumbly cookie. Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying, like, there's a company called Crumble. No, no, no. You know what cookies... But they, like, drop a letter because they're, like, crumble, like, grinder. Oh, my God. I hate that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't really help that I used, like, the gay dating app as the example. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, you know what cookies, I swear to God, if cookies were sexual, insomnia cookies. They're not? They are. Well, okay, maybe a little more. Bro, during college, the only thing, because this was before fucking like food delivery apps and all that shit. So the only things that were really open late were like insomnia cookies. Oh.

So you would order... Wait, is that why they're called that? Because they're openly? Maybe. I don't know. Probably, honestly, now that I think about it. That's a good idea. But it'd be like 2 a.m., you'd be hammered. And you'd be like... I need a fat... I need a fucking cookie. Yeah. And this thing would come... And by the way, insomnia...

Your means of transportation back in 2011? Dogshit. Because you'd get a box and it would be I ordered five cookies and they would just slip and slide and fucking oil fuck each other into one cook.

Okay? This thing looked like a fucking stick of butter and just a bag of flour gang banged and just fucking came all over the place. Doesn't sound like a bad orgy. I was gonna say it was delicious. If I were to stumble upon an orgy, I would pick that one. A cookie orgy. Yeah. Be honest. Be honest for a quick sec. You don't strike me as like a I want to pick up and go to an orgy type guy. I'm not an orgy guy. But...

If they started saying like, oh, this isn't a regular orgy, it's a cookie orgy. Or it's a donut orgy. Or like, it's a red velvet cake orgy. Yeah, I mean, if you add any of those things to anything, I'm on board. Okay, so like here, eat this bowl of shit. But like, you add like a... I'm just like, it's a bowl of cookie shit. Yeah, that actually doesn't sound that bad. It doesn't. I like the fucking like...

Warm cookies that like fat idiot. Yeah, but like but the icing's hard but the inside of the cookie is like oh a little mushy Oh, yeah, I mean, I like have you seen the corn though? Okay. Yeah, you said that warm Once again, what are you doing? You're sticking your fingers in this cookie borderline. I haven't not I Haven't not done that, you know, I know it's crazy. Have you seen like subway? They're like new footlong cookie. Yeah, this thing is just a cookie dildo guys who I

Who's on the board over there? Subway's been reeling. That's what you came up with? I was going to say, Subway's been reeling for about a decade now. They're like... Just like... They made their whole fucking persona about this fucking guy who lost all this money and now they're just like trying to backtrack a little bit. They're like, forget this creep. Here's a fucking 12-inch cookie. There's just some idiot in an office somewhere at Subway and they're like, we're losing sales. What do we do? And he's like, just make it a foot. Like...

It's a foot-long cookie and a foot-long pretzel. And I think a foot-long churro. Which? Churro. Aren't all churros foot-long or even longer? Longer? How long have you had a churro? How long is it? I've taken down an 18-inch churro. That's a wild thing to say. Don't say taken down. I could have said that. Where? Six Flags? No, bro. Those aren't 18. Like compounds.

Same answer. They're not giving out 18-inch churros. You never know, man. I also... I wasn't... No, no. You don't know. We know. I wasn't sitting there and going like, wait a sec. You know? Yeah, but 18 inches, I feel like now you're getting a little droopy. Poopy. You know what I mean? No, because they're fried. So you get a good fry on that bitch. Yeah, but even anything fried. I mean, if it's long enough, it'll crack. No, no, no, no, no. Listen. I also like when they're filled with shit. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

You could have... I just saw your eyes. You could have went anywhere else. But they do fill them. Oh, I do like... I've had a chocolate filled one.

It's not bad. I'm into that. Croissants filled with stuff? I want a regular fucking croissant. I don't follow you for that because a regular croissant is super good. Very good. Things that are just butter flavored. Let me ask you a serious question. I'm ready to ask you this. Would you rather... Oh, God. Is it food? Yeah. Would you rather have...

One? Let's talk just desserts. Blanket desserts. Blankets. Would you rather have one stupid, fat-sized, Americanized dessert? Americanized? Yeah, like a fucking, you know, a pizza pie cookie. Okay, okay. Or would you have a couple little ones? Because...

What are you talking about? Let's use cookies as an example. Would you rather have a fucking clock-faced cookie? You know, like big? No, I don't like that. Or would you rather have a cup with a bunch of one little baby boys, like silver dollar pancakes, but maybe even a little smaller? I like that. I do too. So like, I would rather silver dollar pancakes than I would like two big silver dollar pancakes.

I don't want I'm right there with you I want You know why And this is gonna sound so weird Cause I wanna feel like I can put them in my pocket And hide them Just in case Hide from whom and what Someone maybe wants to steal my pancakes That's not why I like them I like them because They're so versatile Like you could just pick one up With your finger And go You do whatever And you'd also get two at a time Oh

I also feel way cooler eating a whole pancake. It also makes me feel like a giant. Yeah. Where it's just like pancake. And it's just like one fucking pancake goes in my mouth. Yeah. Like I feel like I'm eating a whole pancake, but it's like a little dollar. That's why I like like the mini or the smaller cans of like soda. Cause I hold them in my hand. Like I'm Andre the giant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me feel like a big, big.

Big, big guy. And you're not. Well, I'm not. No, no, no. No, no. Just admit it. I'm not 10 feet tall. I will admit that. Yes. Okay. At least you admitted that. Yeah. You know, you're half that. No, I'm not. But like, would you rather have just like an 18 inch churro or would you rather have a cup of mini little churros?

I think I like the minis. It makes me feel like there's more of it. And also, I feel like I'm more healthy if I'm eating little ones than one big one. For me to go out and be like, I ate a foot-long cookie. For instance, we're approaching the end of spring training and dog sucking season. What seems healthier?

10 pigs in a blanket. 10? I was going to say 25 minimum. 25 pigs in a blanket or three hot dogs. Bro, it is three hot dogs is not even close. That's right. Like...

I might in a full... Let's just say that we're at a baseball game, right? Yes, yes. And it's like, oh, we've invited you and now you get a free food, right? And they just keep... Why did you say that? We've invited you and now you get a free food. Yeah, it's like Mario and Luigi invited us. This baseball stadium is brought to you by Greece for some reason? I don't know. But there's just endless bowls of pigs in a blanket. In a blanket.

In a baseball game? Take it down. Bro, I could literally eat 50 maybe. I would love to see what the ratio of... But I can't eat more than two hot dogs. Pigs to hot dogs. How many pigs? Let's look just girth-wise, length-wise. Four pigs. No. Five pigs? Five pigs is, I think, one hot dog. Right.

Bro, I could take down 10. That means I've been eating. When pigs in a blanket are around, I'm eating 1,000 hot dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're getting chomped on. Over the course of a day, too. Forget it. If you put out a plate of like 50 pigs in a blanket, I promise you by the end of that day, they will be gone. Also, I'm not eating two at a time.

Like, I will stand there and I'll eat one, but I won't leave until I've eaten six. Yeah. And I will be back. Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you this, though. I will say this. This is what infuriates me. If you cook these pigs and one of those fucking little weenies accidentally falls out of its blanket...

Don't even put it on the plate. If I see it on the plate, I'm spiking the whole thing. I'm just letting you know. I don't like a lone weenie, but I do like a lone little croissant thing. Oh, yeah. The little pastry. The puff pastry. Yeah, but like a lone weenie. Get a blanket on this thing. Get a blanket. It's disgusting. Cover up. Yes, exactly. You get a fucking coat. I don't want to see this stupid-ass shit. Yeah, I don't want that. It's gross. I'm actually grossed out by it. Yeah, because then I just think about it sweating.

I don't want sweaty like hot dogs. I don't know. By the way, we started on OJ Simpson. I don't know if other people do this, but like I know that you'll be honest. So pigs in a bike, you know how they have like an end that it looks like a cigar. You cut it. So it's like a flatter end. Yeah. I don't even know how to describe what I'm about to say. But have you ever taken the dog and pushed it against your teeth really hard and tried to eat just the middle of it?

I'll be 100% honest. I'm not even quite understanding the mechanics of what you're asking. So, hot dog. Yeah. You push your teeth. First of all, hot dogs are not holes.

Huh? No, they're circular. Circular, circular. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So this is the rest of the hot dogs here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But you push your teeth against this. Against the flat butt. Yeah. Okay. And then you try to just eat, not this. You try to eat like you're fucking like using like. You stick your teeth out. Remember SpongeBob? Yes. I see.

- I was gonna say that. - Like Spongebob when he ate the thing. - Yeah. - And like that, I try to do that, but just like the center of the hot dog. - Oh, I'm sorry, I don't. - Damn it. - I do. Now, you know sometimes like hot dogs, like one of the sides isn't flat, but it looks like it's like a wave. Like it's like Jimmy Neutron's hair where it just kind of goes like that. - Yeah, and it's like, it goes, what did you do? - Sometimes lick the curvature of that.

No. So like the end of a hot dog, it's like misshapen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it comes down and it's like, whoop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to like just like. What do you do? You flick your tongue. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't make this sexual. When I go to bite it for a quick sec, I like lick the curvature of the hot dog. But what's the curvature? Like lick the end of it. All right. All right. You ready?

Show me, show me. Welcome back. Sorry. If you're not watching on YouTube, you're missing out. All right. So let's say this is one side of a hot dog, right? And it's got like the little like butthole over here. You know what I'm talking about. Where they tie it off. But like this side. Yeah. Kind of like, kind of does like one of those. Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking. And I'm like, I'll go to eat it. And I'm just like, you know what I'm saying?

No? Stupid. So you lick the abnormality. But it's not like a sexual lick where I'm just like going from base to top. But I'm saying you're just like... Yeah, exactly. Like Yoshi. Yeah, yeah. You know, just to kind of, you know, it's all going to the same place. I wouldn't lick it. I would probably bite it off just so I could be like, let me try and get this. Do you want to get this nice and identical? All right, now I got you a serious question. Okay.

That sentence means nothing. Alright, so you know when you take a bite of a hot dog?

And like you bite it like well first of all are you a side a side a side biter or a fucking full on I'm vertical biting your vertical bite. Yeah, like so you get my top lip So the okay so you get the side the bread that kind of comes to a point because you're the way that you're you're chomping You're chomping. Yeah, do you level it off like you're dude what you have to right? Okay, good I just wanted to make sure like I'm a bite is not a bite a bite is three bucks. Yes. It's hum Yes

You have to bite the ends because like I've just messed up the bread. You can't, you need a good bread to dog ratio. Right. So good. Okay. You're like a landscaper, a hot dog landscaper in that. Some would say that, yes. An artist, if you will. Who eats, people eat hot dogs sideways? Yeah, I've seen people eat hot dogs sideways. They take it with the ketchup and they go, I'm going to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also seen people like they don't turn the hot dog. They just turn their head because they don't want the toppings to, this makes sense. They don't want the toppings to fall off.

If they're on top, where are they going? Well, sometimes people like to bite sideways, Joey. It's like the weird way you eat corn. You remember how you told me you eat corn the long way? What? Yeah. I never said that. Joey eats corn the long way. Put it out there, folks. That's a tweet. I don't even know how you could do that. Oh, like this? Are you talking about just taking it and just going...

No? It's a joke. Oh. Like insinuating you're putting phallic things in your mouth. Got it, got it, got it. You know, because normally you'd eat corn. I eat corn up and down. You eat it sideways. You go like this? No, no. That's what you do. You wait. You go like, you hold it like it's a fucking newborn baby and you... No. No. What did you say? Up and down. I go like around.

Yeah, that's what I was doing. But I don't, you go yin, yin, yin, yin. Well, you didn't see the rotation. You didn't see the rotation of the pen. I go yin, you go yin, yin, yin, yin. No, no, no. Listen, you didn't see the rotation of the pen. I put a spiralized pattern into this corn on the cob, okay? So I go, I go nine, nine, nine, but I'm also turning. You're spinning while you're yin-ing. Yes. So it's nine, nine, nine. So in reality, it's...

It's like this. Oh, you're trying to make a little... You're getting fancy with it. I'm getting... Oh, you're doing like... I'm doing like cosine curve where you're doing... You're just doing back and... Or you're doing up around. I'm going around. You're going around. I'm doing circles.

You're doing I'm doing next-level shit. You're doing like I'm doing two birds with stone But when I'm when I get back to the other side, I'm done with corn I go over one and then I do it again What do you do because you're going this way and then when you're done then you go the inverse but go this way Yeah, then you go here. Oh, you're zigzag. I'm zigzag. Okay. I'm a zag zagger. That's that's stupid. Oh No, it's not You know what I used to have in my house I

These thing. It looked like a piece of corn. It had two prongs and you shove it into the sides of corn. You don't remember. They're called corn holders. One, don't make it seem like you had a special house. Every house had those. Two, you don't remember small soldiers where fucking they shoot those. The commando elite shoot those into their dad's leg. Frank, not everyone remembers this one

Bro, no, stop. Because someone... That you love. I recently retweeted, like, people were like, oh, Small Soldier. I was like, forgotten gem of the 90s. I had multiple people quote tweet or respond to my tweet saying, like, I, to this day, am afraid of corn holders because of that movie. And it's... I don't even remember that. I remember the stapler.

He was shooting staples at their legs or something. I don't remember. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember the staples. Also, bro, a bunch of toys ain't taking me down. Give me a fucking break here. We don't need to go over this. We've parsed through ad nauseum the absolute cinematic peak of Small Soldiers and why I firmly believe that, you know. I do love it. I think it's like a... When's the last time you watched it? Honestly. Here we go. Just do this. Show up. Show up. Show up.

Show up to your nephew's house. Yeah. And just be like, Uncle Joey brought some popcorn. We're going to watch this movie and going to get hooked. Yeah. Because he'll love it. Yeah. I mean, I don't doubt that. I loved it when I was younger. It's a great movie. It is a good movie. It's like Toy Story, but like edgy. But like badass, you know? Yeah, like there's some fighting and blood. God, I love that movie so much. Does anyone die? Not the toys. No, but no. Someone gets...

nails in their leg or something. Someone gets the things. There's like a blowtorch at one point. There is a blowtorch at one point. They hit flaming tennis balls. Oh, that's cool. You remember that? Where she's like playing tennis and they're like throwing the flaming tennis balls and she spikes it at him. Very cool. He lit up talking about his career. You know, there's a fucking truck driver that gets tied up and basically mauled by a bunch of toys. Yo, if you get tied up by a bunch of fucking toys. You're a loser, bro. Yeah, I can't. He was an old bag though, so he kind of

He was an old bag, though. And that's about as much sympathy you're getting out of Frank for being an old bag. Barely. We do have some sponsors for today, the first one being Rocket Money. Rocket Money is going to put money back in your pocket, folks, okay? Are you irresponsible with your money? Props, all right? Because on average, people are finding out that they could save $720 a year with Rocket Money. How are you going to do that? So what Rocket Money does is they're going to find and cancel unwanted subscriptions that you may have...

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Yeah, you start and end your week with The Basement Boys. Okay, now for some reason, if you don't know how to go to patreon.com slash thebasemanyard, you can go to thebasemanyard.com, which is where we included all the information on our shows. Thank you guys so much for helping us sell out. Absolutely wild. But also, if you go to thebasemanyard.com slash submit, and you are one of the people that are going to be coming to any of the shows, you can, what is it? Submit stories, comments,

things that you want us to talk about and maybe we'll pick them. And Joe, some of these cards the last couple shows, the first three shows, I should say, pretty out there, pretty wild. Yeah, people are out of their fucking minds. And like, that's one of the funnest part about, like, one of the best parts about the show is that you guys get to be involved in it as well. So...

like Frank said, you go to the basement yard.com slash submit, fill out the forms. If you're coming to the shows, because you know, we like, sometimes that is a highlight of the show and like people are there. We interact with them. Um, we've,

We've even had... We've met people after shows that are like, oh, that was my card. Like, can I have it? So we just give them the card. So, yeah. We want you guys to be involved as much as possible. So if you're coming to the shows, go to thebasementyard.com slash submit. There'll be prompts there. Just kind of like tell us something you never told anyone. And also, you can stay anonymous. You don't have to say it to you. So whatever it is. And there's other prompts there. Just fill them all out. And yeah, helps a lot.

Helps with the production of the show and it's a lot of fun. We had one person, one of the cards, remember? It was like, I'm here with my boyfriend and he doesn't know I'm married.

Yeah. Just wild. Just wild. You can choose to stay anonymous or not when we're talking about it on the show. Maybe we had someone come up on stage at one point in time at one of the shows. So listen, they're a lot of fun. They help the show. And it's a good way to get us to interact with you guys. So like Joey said, go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. If you're coming to those shows, make sure you put in all your information and answer those questions and prepare yourselves.

I was gonna say prepare your butts, but that's not... I was like feeling that you were going to say that. I didn't want to go butts, so that's why I pulled back. I didn't... I feel like it would be appropriate. Because no one's butts need to be prepared for the show. Your laughter organ. Your butt will be fine. Yeah, your butt. Quit while you're ahead? Yeah. Laughter organ? I don't know. Your diaphragm? What is a laugh? No. No, that's you riding penis.

No, it's not. Do it again. First of all, you know what? I've never ridden one, so I can't confirm nor deny. So nice little trap you tried to get me in there, bitch. Do gay dudes ride each other? I was going to say, do they, as if I had firsthand knowledge. But like, do they? I think so, dude. That's crazy. What? What are you saying? You're looking at me like...

I just didn't think about that. How is that crazy? I always thought doggy missionary and that was kind of it. And maybe sideways stuff. Dude, they probably have shit that we can't even fucking comprehend. Oh, yeah, I imagine. You know, I'm not tapped in, so I'm sure there's a lot of different secrets. Do lesbians ride each other? Or do they just fucking scoot like a dog across the carpet with worms? I wonder what the percentage is, how many lesbians are strapping up and how many are just...

That's a quick Google, babe. You think so? I'm sure if you... How many lesbians... Strap up? What am I going to say? Use strap-ons? Yeah, look it up. Why not? I'm sure there's a number where it'll say like a recent study at fucking the University of Birkin-Turkin said that 80% of same-sex couples use strap-ons or they would probably have some fucking belted phallic equipment or some stupid scientific term.

There's not. I mean, there's a thing that says how often do you use strap-on during sex, but it was a Reddit ask lesbians, and they said I'd say about 80% of the time. So let's use some just general math here. If one lesbian couple is using it 80% of the time, then that means that whatever in the percentage of them that are using it, they're using it 80% of the time. That doesn't help how many are using it. So 80% equals X times Y. So if we divide by...

No. First of all, I'm not even, I'm choosing to not listen to you. This one says 59% of lesbians don't reuse sex toys after a breakup. I mean, I imagine. That's low. Oh, you think it's higher? No, no, no. I'm saying that should be 100. Why? Because the ghost of your ex is just on your dildo. Get rid of that. Get a new one. They're not that expensive. Do you think like people are putting like souls in the dildos?

The ones that are gothic. Careful. What? Is that a slur? Careful. Just don't talk about the goths because they'll come for you. But I would imagine it'd be like, oh, I have to get rid of this because this is... Like if you had a dildo. Don't. This is not... I'm not allowing this hypothetical. Back at you. If I had a dildo, say it.

Like about yourself? No, no, no. Not your dildo. It's a dildo that you and a woman use just for funds. Like it was your dildo though. You know what I'm saying? Like... I'm not taking any ownership of a dildo. No, no, no. Like it's not... You don't... The dill is not mine. Yeah, you don't get dildoed. Dill theirs. Yeah, you do the dildoing.

You dildo. I dilded. Right. You dilded. I dilded. You dildo. She gets dilded. Do you understand? So that's how I feel like you guys are figuring it. I don't like this sword fight. This is a little bit evil. I don't like this sword fight. I will say this is a little bit evil. It's a little wild. If you use that with some girl and then you guys end up breaking up, will you going to use this on the next girl? Yeah, no. It has to go. You got it. I imagine it has to go. Listen, new girl, new dildo. I mean, but-

But again, the dildo's not remaining with me, so... Of course, because it's going to the landfill or wherever garbage goes. The ocean? I don't know. No, no, no, no, no. Let's use a non-penetrative fucking sex toy for me. But we're talking... Okay, okay. Handcuffs. Handcuffs? Oh, I'm so sorry, fucking queen of sex. Tell me what you use. Vibrators? What about that? I'm sure...

But I'm not keeping, I'm not like buying a vibrator and keeping it and just being like, this is. No, it's not. It's not like that. It's like one that you and a partner use. So it's like. Yeah. But if the, cause I'm, I am a straight male. Right. My female partner, I'll be like, that's yours. You could take it. It's not remaining with me. And she's like, you could throw it out. I'd be like, Oh, I see what you're saying. I'm not being like, I'm going to take the dildo in this. You know, you know what? Yeah. What?

I won the vibrator in the divorce. The reason why now I'm like, because before I was like, this is such a specific headline, like dildos. I mean, lesbians, but they're both women. Yes, exactly. So that's why dildos. Because I assume, and again, I don't have firsthand knowledge here. I assume there is a significant percentage of lesbians.

that have, you know, phallic sex toys. I'm not gonna say dildo or vibrator, but something that's meant for penetration. Yeah. Okay? Because they bring it to the relationship.

You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, this is my Xbox. I actually wonder... We broke up. I'm taking my Xbox back. I wonder if dildos are like bank accounts for lesbians in a way. Because you know how it's like, we have our own bank accounts. We have our own dildos. Do you mean a joint one? Yeah, I imagine. I imagine, yeah. And is that one double-sided? I'm sure that has to do with sex toys in general. I mean, we know some men that have sex toys that I'm sure when they got into a relationship, it was like...

This is my, you know, my toy. I imagine them like they're like, I imagine them like in a big trench coat and they open it and they got like pocket watches and then fucking strap ons and shit, you know? So like, I imagine it's exactly that. It's like that bank account, that bank account. We've been together long enough. Let's invest in our future. Let's go me and you, let's go have these on a ditties. This is, you know, let's like, let's use this joint account to,

to pay the bills, to get the job done, so to say. So then you could be like, oh, you know, instead of looking at new couches, you could be like, oh,

Did you see that really nice vibrator in the window? Wow. It makes sense, though, because you have dildos that are just for masturbation. Those are yours. Use that. That's your own bank account. That's your own money. Use your own. Yeah, but when we're having sex, we have to have our own. We have to have like, no, we have to have like a joint. You know how I feel about masturbation. I'm not going down this rabbit hole. Okay, you're not, but people masturbate. I know, I know, I know, I know. But, but.

I imagine it's like, and then do you share? Frankie's afraid to touch his own dick. I'm not afraid to touch my own dick. I touch it all the time, every time I pee. That's not true. Sometimes I'll be like laying on the couch and I'll just throw my hand on my shit. Oh my God, dude. I thought you were going to be like you lay on the couch and just piss. No. I was like, what are you talking about? No, no, no. No pee pee. You ever not touch your dick and you just go like this and you just pee? Yeah, but weird. I have, I like, I have to go like backwards.

That's forward. Yeah, but like I angle my body. It's a long story. I bet it is. Well, when you're fucking packing rocket fucking fat meat. No, that's a great question. It's like a lesbian rabbit hole right there. Right down the lesbian rabbit hole. The walls are painted dark colors and, you know, there's flannel pattern everywhere.

They have a garden of radishes, you know. What does any of that mean? I'm not very in tune with what lesbians are into. Did you think that lesbians were really into radishes? I assumed... No, no, no. Explain the radishes. How does that have anything to do with lesbians? I close my eyes and I imagine flannels. Okay. Overalls that are dirty and one of the straps is undone and then they wipe their brow. I kind of like that look. Yeah. I'm not saying anything bad about it, but like...

Like that's what I'm imagining that like the reason that they're in those overalls in the flannels is because they're pulling like root vegetables out of the ground and that's honestly honestly Honestly, honestly the first root vegetable I thought of in my head was a radish. So there you go You think of lesbians and you think of farming women? Is that what you think? I know that obviously that's not all of them. But like oh, there's definitely a farmer lesbian, of course farmers only

Yeah. Gotta be on it. How specific is that? I mean, the dating apps get very specific, which, whatever. Do they, though? Like, that's pretty. There's, like, farmers only, J-date. Yeah, but, like, Jewish people only marry Jewish people. Not necessarily. No, I know, but, like, a lot of them are like, well, my parents want me to marry a Jewish girl. But it also could just be, you know, just like, I want someone that has similar interests in me. It might not necessarily be because of, like, a forcible, like, you need to marry a Jewish person.

But like in religions that are like hyper, very religious. Yeah. Like even Christians, like Christians. And I think, I think there, there are Christian mingle, Christian mingle. There you go. Okay. So it's like those people, it makes sense that they have their own thing. Now I need to look at farmers, bro. Farmers. The most specific dating apps. Now I got to look this up.

Alright, so... Farmers is insane to me. You're crossing a line here. Like, we're not even involving a religion here. It's just that you... What? You like to dig? Is that it? Alright, hold on, hold on. I got you, I got you, I got you. Okay. There's a dating app called Hater. Which, what do you think it is? Oh, you get along because of things that you hate. Yeah. That's fire, by the way.

What's better than that? Finding someone who's like, I hate this. Yeah, now there's a website you could follow for a person who shares a distaste for the same things as you. Hater slogan is meet someone who hates the same stuff. That's funny. Okay. Bristler. Brist? Bristler.

What the fuck is that about? If you identify as being really into, think of it. Bras? No. Bristler. Bristle. It's basically bristle. Bristle. What is a bristle? Toothbrush. Okay. Think more outside the box. Combs. What could it do with human beings? Comb them. Bristles? Clean. Okay. For those who are really into facial hair, then maybe you should join bristler. Connect those with beards to those who want to stroke beards.

Okay, here we go. I thought bris also isn't bris like the Jewish thing where they cut off your yeah sizzle, okay dating app for spicy food lovers Spanish people the lifelong vegetarian that I am will never fully understand people's obsession with bacon But if you're someone who eats sleeps and prays for more bacon then go out when you go out to brunch You may feel your heart beat faster at the sound of a dating app dude, which is also owned by Oscar Mayer

The hot dog app? Hot dog app? This is incredible. Oscar Mayer, very smart. Do you know how fucking far gone you got to be to be like, I've tried everything. I'm going to download the bacon dating app. Bacon, bacon, bacon. Jesus. But you know there are people out there that'll do like, oh my, it's like chocolate covered bacon and bacon drizzle and bacon beer and bacon soda. I went to a place in Denver that had a bacon flight. It was unbelievable. Of course it was, dude. It's bacon. They had a maple...

Some shit. Oh, yeah. You ever drizzle? Well, I assume you don't make much bacon. Next time you do, next time you do, hear me out. You ready? I'm hearing. Go. Brown sugar. Oh, candied bacon. But not a lot. And then a little cayenne pepper. Oh, man.

You know what I'm saying? All right. I like that. Hidine. H-I-D-I-N-E. Oh, people who like fine dining. Probably the most awkward date of any app is when the... Sorry. Most awkward part of any date is when the check arrives and people get flustered as they pull out their wallets. This dating website has one main rule. The guy always pays. Okay. Sounds like dating. Maple match. Syrup. Canadian? Canadian?

It's motto, for anyone gung-ho about leaving the country now that Trump is possibly moving back into the White House.

There's a new dating app that'll help you find love in Canada. Its motto is make dating great again, probably because once you've dated everyone in America and had no luck, Canada is a country nearby. All right, this is stupid. Bro, all of these things though, like all of the ones that we've sort of named here, if there's more than a hundred users, what's going on? Yeah, this is wild. A line. But you know what? This is the thing though. I remember like speaking to one of our friends, we're not going to put their name out there, but like they have explained that they have multiple dating apps. So it could be one person has like 10 different

fucking dating him. No, I get that, but like, dude, who the fuck likes bacon that much that you're gonna base your relationship on bacon? It's a weird place to start. Very weird. Align.

If you believe in the magic of astrology and are constantly checking your horoscope to see when it's a good time for you to go out there and find love, there's a dating app that lets you find your match based off your zodiac sign. This is probably my least favorite one. That probably also is the most popular one. Honestly, yes. And also, it's probably so annoying because all it is is people just being like, Leo, no. You know, and it's just like, well, I'm sure that's what you pick. You're like, I don't want any fucking Virgos or whatever. That's wild.

That's wild. Yeah. Last one here. Yep, my light's on. Last one here, Luxie. If you are very, very rich and also kind of an asshole, then you can eyeball other potential matches in your tax bracket with a dating app called Luxie, which bills itself as, you guessed it, Joe, Tinder without the poor people. Why? No way. Yep. So it's just about how much money you make. It's basically Raya, but a little more douchey.

That's way more. And Raya's douchey as hell. Yeah, okay. Well, then there you go. That's bad. I've never been on Raya, so I can't confirm the douchiness of it. That is hilarious. I've told this story before, my experience on dating apps. It was probably only Tinder then, no? Tinder and Bumble. Okay. I didn't know Bumble was that old. Yeah. Well, yeah. It was literally right before Becca. Yeah. And I was on it for a couple months. Take a wild guess. What?

Just close your eyes. Close your eyes, all right? I'm closing. You know me. I know you. You know my humor. Yeah. My looks. Right. Just the general appeal of me. Well. In three months, guess how many matches I got on either of those dating apps. I'm going to go with a soft zero. Yeah. Is that true? Big old goose egg. Wow. Yeah. But did you use a lot of pictures from college? Because I get it. Oh, boy.

It was when you were dressing like you worked on a plane. Careful. Careful what you're saying. Like I work on a plane. What do you mean? Like I was like an attendant? Like a flight attendant? Yeah. You wore a lot of like blazers for like no reason. I did wear a lot of blazers. I wore them for my job. And like. For my job. Wrong.

No, definitely right. And you would wear a lot of red pants. I did have salmon pants. I did have blue pants. A lot of Sperry's. Sperry's. Yeah. I mean, listen. You dress like someone that would use the Deluxe app. Probably. Honestly. Yeah. But I was using, if there's a, at the time, poor person dating app. That's what I should have used. Right. Called like...

Uh-oh. I almost slipped up. I don't even know what you're about to say, honestly. I almost slipped up. I ain't gonna. Okay, good. Because I don't want to be a part of what you were about to say either. Yes, Frank? How many fingers am I holding up? Five. How many things did we say we wanted to talk about today? I have it written down, but I haven't looked at it. One, two, three, four, five. And...

How many of those things... Wait, wait, before you answer. How many of those things did we talk about? And, hint, it is numerically the same amount of dating app matches I had gotten.

That's how I was going to answer to my wife. That's what I was going to answer to. Yeah. Yeah. Zero. It would be the big fat zero. Big old fat old goose egg. And before we get to the second round, I do want to just throw in the dream that I had last night. Super weird. But I had a dream that like I killed a bunch of people. Apparently I didn't like kill them. Like boom, boom, dead. You're dead. You went like the good old fashioned American way of killing people is just like, you know, out of sight, out of mind.

Pretty much why I didn't intend to kill anyone. I, I went, I was walking past this building and like, I needed, so we're clear. Son of Sam didn't intend to kill anyone either. He just thought he was saving them. So I'll explain why I was walking past this building that I needed to be demolitioned.

Okay, you're you're not i'll be honest here. You're not helping your cause. No, so listen I like no, but this filthy disgusting There was a fucking guy selling dominican food. Is that what you're saying here? No, there was there was people there was uh It was a building that was supposed to come down eventually and I was like this needs to come down already And I don't know why it needed to come down, but I was like question. Go ahead Where was this building?

Indiscriminate? Indiscriminate. Or was it like with confidence say it was in New York, Queens? No, I have no idea. Okay, go on. But it was a big apartment building. It wasn't very tall, but it was probably like five floors, but pretty long. And it was a bunch of- So let's use the Pistilli building. Oh, yeah. Let's use the one that no one knows. So now they have a good visual of what it- What are you saying? Clown? Anyway. Anyway.

But there was a button, right, on the fence. And it just said demo. I'm sorry. I have a lot of questions. Red button? I think it was orange. Get the hell out of here. It was a construction site, basically. Any cool buttons are red. Fair. But... So I was like... Or square. Bro, buttons that you need to lift up a glass case and press? Oh, man.

I could lift up glass cases and press buttons for the rest of my time. I honestly, I can't tell you how bad I've wanted to like, this is a crime and I've never done it, but how bad I've wanted to. Launch a nuke?

That oh yeah, yes Joey that is a crime I meant like I'm saying like the fire alarms that are like glass and you just need a fucking punch them and hit a button behind them Oh so bad No I want to turn a key and then have a light and then have a thing pop up and then press a button and like But I don't want anything to happen. Yeah. Yeah, you know you kind of want something to happen a little no I don't want anyone to explode unless it lands in the water and there's a big splash then I'll be down Oh, what about like at the Bellagio?

Oh, and you- Isn't that a thing where it's like a button? It's a rumor, I think, yeah. Is it a rumor? I don't know. I don't know enough to- Call your boys. Oh, he just died. All right, never mind. But, so there was a button that said demo. So I was like, oh, and I just pressed, I was like, this place needs to come down. So I pressed demo. And then I realized after the fact that, like I pressed it, but no one saw me press it, except I was with somebody, but I don't remember who it was. And I press it and like the building comes down, right? Yeah.

Uh-oh. And then someone's like, oh my God, what happened? Like all those people. And I was like, I didn't know there was people in there. But I just thought places to calm down. Bad of you. Also though.

Don't have a big orange button. Don't have a demo button. Don't have a demo button. I was on the sidewalk. Sidewalk. If it wasn't you, honestly. It would have been anybody. It would have been anybody. It would have been one of those measly kids. You know? One of those mangy kids and that dog too. Yeah. You know? But like, and then I felt so bad and I was like, we have to get out of here. And I like was trying to hide. Not hide, but I was like, let's go. And like, I was like trying to leave. You don't remember who you were with? I have no idea. And then when I, I remember because I was like, oh fuck.

This is eventually, I'm eventually going to get caught for this, for doing that and killing all those people. Of course, yeah. And then I woke up and my first thought was like, thank God I'm not on the hook for that. Like I was like actually relieved that I didn't take down a building of people. Did I tell you that I had a dream recently that you and I robbed a Target building?

Yeah. Yeah. I had to, my big thing was when I woke up, I was just like, oh good. Okay. That was a dream. I love when I have dreams and I'm like, I'm so glad I'm not dealing with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got enough going on. I don't need to deal with fucking demoing a building with people in it. Yeah. I was like, I don't need to deal with mass murder. Everything's going so good. Why did I even press that button? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm, I'm selling out shows nationwide. I don't need to deal with this. You know? Ew. Ew.

Ew. Dead people and rubble. Dead people probably of a lower socioeconomic status that you're blowing up their homes. Yeah, now they're just rubble. Big fan of rubble, by the way. Love the word rubble. Rubble as a word, as a thing. I like a bunch of rocks. I can't tell you how... I don't like when people are under the rubble. But I like rubble. You have to read the ads now. There's no way you can come... We have...

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When you get the stuff if you don't love something you just send it back free shipping every single time. It's lovely stitchworks.com Slash basement. Enjoy folks um, but yeah, oh what I did want to talk about something that we did write down is like, um, because we talked about cicadas I don't know if that was like patreon or like that was so long But then you so here's what frankie said. He's like, oh there's a fungus and then cicadas are gay So

That's what he said. All right, all right, all right, all right. And we already done lesbians, so now we have to do gays. This is a very gay episode. Because of equality. This is... Absolutely. You know? The straights get too much. Too much. So let's, you know, give gays and lesbians their chance. To... Shine? I don't know. Are they shining? Yeah, so on the Patreon episode that we recorded this week, but by the time you're seeing this, it's already out, we talked about there's reportedly trillions of cicadas. By the way, what...

I'm going to ask you something. I know you're not a big fan of cicadas or crawly bugs. No. Or things that have little legs that kind of like... What is a group of cicadas called? If this isn't going to make it 10 times scarier... What does it start with? A B. If it ain't going to make it 10 times scarier for you, you're not... Like, I don't know what will. A bastard. No, that would be great though. No, a brood.

A brood. Kind of cool, but also when you're just like, there's a brood coming for me. Yeah. You immediately think Gangrel. I do think of Gangrel. Immediately. That's the first place your mind has to go. I do. 1990s fucking Attitude Era vampire wrestler Gangrel. Yeah. And the original brood. Edge, Gangrel, and... Come on, dude. Are you kidding me? You're not serious. Edge's tag team partner for a close... Oh, Christian? There you go. Oh, I thought that was too easy. And then, you know, the new brood.

Do I? The new brood. Here's a nice little wrestling trivia question for you. Is it Roman Reigns and them? No, that was the shield. Oh, right. Shit. The new brood came immediately after the original brood. So it was Gangrel. Yeah. Who were the other two? Can I have a hint? Any hint would give it away very easily. X-Pac. No, no, no, no. He was the X, bro. I know. Oh, I don't know. And then X-Factor. X-Factor.

Who is it? Once you hear it, you're going to be upset. You're going to be like... Okay, but walk me a little bit. Walk you? Big guy, little guy, jumping guy. Two guys that... So tag teams. Yeah. Two guys... The Hardy Boys. Yes. They were the new brood. Wow. Yeah, dude. I didn't know that. Yeah, it was kind of crazy. But two different types, two different broods of cicadas are reemerging this year. Trillions of cicadas are going to be out there. I hate this. Joey already hates it. Now to make him hate it even more.

Don't you dare. No, no, no, no, no. But reportedly, they're coming out with a fungus, okay, known as Massospora cicadina. Contagious condition causes a white fungus to overtake infected cicadas' bodies. So far, sounds like some Last of Us shit, right? Yeah, yeah. Before the ailment progresses, prompting the bug's genitals to fall off,

Oh, this is a dick. It's a dick falling off condition. They enjoy one hell of a last hurrah showing a lot of hyper-sexualized behavior and for several of the males turning gay. That's a good idea.

Bro, there's gonna be trillions of cicadas. We can't let them fuck each other and make more. There's too many of them. Make them gay. I don't think this is a good thing for the cicada population. I don't care. I hope they all die. Oh, really? Extinct them. Why? You gotta be careful here, Joey. What? I'm talking about cicadas right now! I'm talking about cicadas! No, no, no. What, do we need them? We need cicadas? I think they are good for the environment. How? First of all, they provide nutrition for...

To what? To other bugs. Fuck all of bugs. Why are... Can you make a case for us needing bugs? I know we need bees. Why are cicadas good for the environment? They're not dangerous and can provide some environmental benefits. They're a valuable food source for birds and other predators. Don't care, bro. That one I don't care about. We got old people. They throw bread at them. They'll be fine. Fair enough. Fair enough. They can aerate lawns and improve water filtration to the ground.

I like that. That is something that is important to homeowners like myself. You know what you could do? You can go out there with a pitchfork and go, pep, pep, pep. Yeah, yeah, but that is hard. Or I can just let these cicadas just fucking burst through this lawn, and then boom, aeration already done, get some oxygen to the roots of my grass. That's really going to help the whole fucking lawn look nice and beautiful. Let the lawn die and then get more sod. No. You're fine. No. But is this not...

Put your tinfoil hat on for a sec. Is this not proving every like hyper... That we can create funguses to do stuff? So now... Wow, that's interesting. I didn't even think of that. Maybe, hear me out. Yeah. Maybe the hyper Republicans are like, oh, great.

We got the fungus. This is what the Dems are going to do. That's what they're going to do. Reportedly, there is a very high-ranking member of Congress. What? I'm not going to say their name, who reportedly is very anti-gay, but in his private life, very into gay. You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's like a bunch of them. Well, what if he comes out and he was just like, it was this Masa Prasa Sikadeya, or whatever it's called. Yeah, I don't know if that's it, but that sounded cool.

Yeah, I think that they're... You know what's interesting? Because...

We also wrote down the eclipse. I don't know. It was kind of underwhelming. I couldn't see it. Sun, moon, both. Don't care. Guess what? Couldn't see it. I won't go to either of them. Don't care. Oh, it got dark. It happens every day. I don't care. You can't go to one of them. Don't care. I don't care. Okay. But with the eclipse, it's like, how do you live your life thinking that everything is like a conspiracy? Like, honestly, maybe it's a little fun for them, but like... Or terrifying, bro. Just thinking like,

The idea that like all of these powers and listen now I'm not going to get into Which is what are we talking about? I'm not going to get into like certain conspiracies because there have been proven in some capacity to be like fucking like malevolent forces that are like gearing and fucking trying to eat people and shit. What? But imagine thinking every part of life is that that even if it might be real and you might have good I don't know

live my life of happiness. I don't know that I care, bro. I don't know. I don't care. Unless I'm face to face with a witch. Witch. Go be a witch. I don't care. That's very honestly nice of you. But there are people that don't feel like that. There are people that are... Because they're bored, bro. Have more thing on in your life. Well, not necessarily. I mean, witchcraft can have to deal with, you know, religion and stuff like that. And people feel that it goes in opposition of themselves and their beliefs. Yeah, but like also like... Yeah. Give the Bible or some other book like a chance to like...

Maybe not everything is through the book. You know what? Joey, you should write an addendum to the Bible. Yeah, let's cremate Mormonism. Cremate. Let's cremate it. Let's cremate. Just write the San Agato Bible. And you add just like here. At this point when Lucas talks about doing this to whatever his name is. What's his name? Who? From the Bible.

Which one? There's a thousand people in the Bible. Jesus are you talking about? Lucas. Is a Lucas in there? Luke. Okay, Luke. Fine. You guys are on a cool, cool name basic. Whatever. I just call him by his actual name. Luke is a real name. But Luke is normally short for Lucas. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. L-U-K-E. Yeah. It's short. It's its own name. It's short for Lucas. No, it's its own name. Hold on. What? Hold on.

Like, Dick is short for Charlie. Which, that doesn't make any sense. Dick is short for Richard, you dumbass! Right, right, right. Charlie is short for Charles. Sorry, my bad. Sorry. Dick is short for Charlie. Joey's really, you know, keyed in on what short dicks are for. But like, Frankie Francisco. I mean, it's... Yeah, Frankie. Joey Joseph. Yes.

Am I crazy for thinking Lucas is the longer form of Luke? No. I mean, I think people call Lucas's like Luke maybe, but like Luke is its own name. I mean, yeah, sure. Joey's its own name too, but it's a derivative.

Yeah, if you're a baby kangaroo, but it's no one's name like Joey. Well, that's not true because Danny's name is Danny. Danny's legal name is Danny. Yeah, it's not Daniel. Danny. Danny. Which is interesting. There was someone else who told me that their nickname is like their actual name. I can't remember who it is, but that's where that story ends. Why are we talking about the cicadas? No, but I was going to say this fungus is a good idea because if they're gay, then they can't reproduce, and then we could just like...

Fight them The cicadas the cicadas just want to make sure I'm not fighting a people for the clips Oh, gay people whoop your ass, dude Anyone would Yeah, like I'm not fighting it fair I I just I I feel like cicadas are good for the environment, you know this this this we should figure out this fungus Yeah, because then Alex Jones is right and then it's a man wrongs. Yeah, the frogs. No, it's not man-made you get man make a fungus. Oh, oh

I thought that's what you said. Oh. Oh, so how are they getting fungi'd? It's like maybe it's like a... It's like in there, the water or the dirt? It's like a cicada STD or something. Dude, imagine getting so horny your dick falls off. I don't know if that's like cool or bad.

Like, you know how horny you have to be for your dick to just explode? Well, no, I think it's like it sends them to a state of hypersexualization. Yeah, but is that dope? Where, like, they use it so much that it's like a skin tag. It just dies off. Oh, they, like, rub their whole dick off. Yeah, they, like, use their dick to the point where it's just like this thing can't produce enough blood, so it just dies and falls off like a raisin. Do you think that'd be cool? I feel like it might be fucking sick. No. Like, just like, oh, I'm so horny. No way.

Like it's probably cool while you're in it. Dying's not sick. Oh no. I don't think it's cool. No? Well you don't want to lose your dick. Yeah, I mean they die, no? Oh, they lose their dick and live? I think. Nah, you can't have a dick and live. Yeah you can. If your dick falls off, you got a big hole in your body. Bro, sew it up! Sew it up. Yeah, there's nurses in the cicada world.

There's no hospitals. I don't know. They just bleed out. You ever think about that? Nah. Like if animals get hurt, they just get hurt. They're just bleeding. There's no hospitals. They're gone. Yeah. Like there's no nurse tigers. You stab a tiger, a tiger is stabbed forever. I mean, there are vets. Like we say. No, no. I'm talking about wild. But like there are no, yeah, there's no like other tigers like come over here. Yeah, yeah. Like let me fix it. Let me like patch it up. Let me like. But I think certain animals can like fight through it. Like you ever seen a lion like.

a battle-worn lion. Their face is all fucked up. They healed from those wounds. That looks cool. It does. Yo, when I was younger, I wanted a scar like this. Look at me, dude. I am a bitch. Imagine walking around with a scar like this. It would mean nothing. Bro, in every wrestling game when you could create a wrestler, I gave myself a scar across my face or down one of my eyes. And then, like, I would want the scar to the eye and then, like, the white out

Eye contact? You know what I'm saying? Like, "Oh man, this guy's seen some shit." You know? I've seen nothing. It's a wrestling game. I've seen nothing. I've seen nothing. I've never seen. I've never seen anything. Blind to the world, basically. Any sort of experience whatsoever. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Yeah. Are you gonna... Drink? Water? Yeah, I'm thirsty. I'm parched. Chug it. You won't. That was so sick. Are you gonna throw up? You wanna hear something funny? What I did this morning? You threw up? No, this is a good send-off story.

I was on my way here and I had to get gas, but I was so into what I was listening to in the car that I forgot to get off the rest stop to get gas. And I didn't have enough. What was it? What was it? I'm just going to play it for you and you confirm. You were so into something that you forgot what was going on. I'm just going to just hear it out and then you'll be like, all right, this makes sense why you weren't able to make it or why you forgot to stop. Are you ready? Are you ready? Yes.

With the fucking attitude. Okay? Oh, wait. Do you blame me? I smell pussy. It's a good song. By 50 Cent. By 50... Ja Rule, if he's watching, is not going to be happy. G-Unit. It was by G-Unit, yes. It was the G-Unit. It was the G-Unit. But I was into it, drove past, and I didn't have enough gas to make it to the next rest stop. So I was like, fuck, I need to...

I was gonna- in the middle of the parkway there are little spots where you can just drive across but they say don't do that and normally cops hang there so I went and I was gonna drive across and I saw a cop car so I stopped my car and I opened the door and pretended to dry heap like I was gonna- No you didn't! You did that this morning! I swear on my children 100 million percent I was like- I saw the cop there I was like I gotta think I gotta think I gotta think I gotta think so I just opened the door and I was just like

Did you make eye contact with the cop? I s- no. Because they were far enough away and they were in like the like murdered out like Dodge Charger. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And I just- and then I- and then I was like I put- I full on acted. Yeah. Did you get out? No, no, no. I just leaned over to make it look more real. And then I just like- and then I like did like a- I swear to God. I swear on my children's lives. And then I drank water and sped away.

Sick man. You got something on your nose. So, hey man, when you gotta, I guess when you gotta get gas, you gotta get gas. You know what I'm saying? That is, God bless. That's Frank Alvarez in a nutshell there, ladies and gentlemen.

Frank, where can they find you? FAlvers885 on Twitter, the Frank Albers on all the forms of social media. Go check out the Patreon, patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Folks, our Basement Yard Experience shows sold out legitimately insane. If you are coming to those shows, we said it for the first three shows. If you're coming, go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. A big portion of the show is we read fan subscription, you know, subscriptions? No, submissions. Yeah.

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