#488 - You Have A Weird Relationship With Your Mom
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Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going? Are you- Did you just wake up? What's going on? Yo, honestly, I just got tired, dude. You just got a-tired. I just got tired. One tired. A single tired. Do you do that thing where you're tired where you do this? Have you ever actually done this? Uh, I don't do this, but I do this. You do that? I like kind of rub it like a-

Oh, Jesus Christ. I whispered it. There is a sect of the internet right now that was just like, what do you think? Yeah. But does anyone actually wake up like a cartoon character? Just like... Yeah, no. No one does that shit. Babies kind of do it. Babies? They kind of go like this.

Well, they rub their eyes, but like, I don't know, baby, baby. Or like, what is the thing when people cry? And they're like, way. Who the fuck, what fucking dumb ass bitch is crying like that? Yeah, I cry without my hands on my face. Do you cry like you make it a point to? No, I cry. And whenever I start getting myself going, bro, I'm crying at the drop of a hat lately. Man, wait till you have kids. I watched a movie that like wasn't even sad. Yeah. And I just.

Recently, remember I told you I watched Home Alone? I was like, shit, this almost got me. Dude, so Miles and I finally finished the Harry Potter watch-along. Okay. And this little guy. Did he cry? No. Someone did. There were two people in the room. Miles didn't cry. Who did? I don't know. Somebody figure this out. But, like, not going to spoil it for just in case because someone once was just like, how dare you spoil Harry Potter? 20 years old. Mm-hmm.

After everything that happens with Snape. Yes. He goes, pause it. Explain that to me just so I make sure I understand. And I'm like, well... Wait, you were explaining the plot and you cried? But like, bro, I just watched everything that happens with Snape. Yeah. The pensive memory and everything. Right. And then Miles was like, I just want to make sure I understand what he said. And then you cried. And what happened. What did he say when you started crying? I didn't... I wasn't like bawling crying, but like I would be like... Choked. So...

What happened? You know, like I would like pull it together and I slowed up the conversation. Did he say, Kiki, what are you doing? He was just like, he was intently watching. I think he's at an age now where he's not going to point out me crying because it happens probably way too often. But he was just like,

Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm going to stop asking. Okay. You know, he was like, all right, whatever. Watch the movie. Jeez. Put it back on. Oh, but like at the end, I was just like, it was power love, you know? Oh my God. Frank, pull it together. No, bitch. I feel things, bitch. You fucking try it. Bro. I'm mad sensitive, but we're talking about a movie that you've seen maybe eight times. It doesn't matter. That's that speaks to the strength of the storytelling. Honestly, it was my favorite. And acting. Yeah.

Good acting. Oh my god. Good acting. All those people gotta stop dying from Harry Potter. Anyway, we do have announcements! We have an announcement, if you didn't hear already on the last episode, but we are coming to the UK. Dirty! The boys are going across the pond! Tickets are on sale right now at TheBasementYard.com. If you guys don't know, here's where we're going. March 25th, we're in Scotland. Do it. That show's gonna be great! That's what it is.

That's what it is. That's what it is. My favorite thing that you do. Yeah. The 25th, we're being Glasgow and Scotland. The 27th, we're going to be in London. We're going to go to London. We're going to go to London. We're going to go to London. We're going to go to London. Oh, yeah. You say Tuesday. Is it a Tuesday? I don't know. No, it's a Thursday. Oh. Thursday. And then on the 31st, we're going to be in Dublin. Yeah.

Can't do the Irish accent. I mean, I think I could. Ask me to talk about it like I'm fixing wood or something. Hey, talk about it like you're fixing wood. Well, this is a piece of oak. Nope. See, I lost it. I mean, it's not bad. Well, it's oak. It's very not. No, no. I had it. We just did an episode a couple weeks ago and I had it. Yeah, you did. Now I fucked up. But anyway, we're going across the pond. We're going to be in the UK. So we're going to Glasgow, London, and Dublin for the Dublin show.

There may be a second show if that show sells well. And the same thing for the London show. If the London show sells out pretty quickly, we'll add a second show. But yeah, so that's what it is right now. The boys are going to come and do a couple shows over there in the Uke. But yeah, pop out. Tickets are available at TheBasementYard.com if they're not sold out already, which I hope they are. We hope people like us. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. We're going to go there, have some food.

What are we going to eat? Because the food over there, notoriously, is not very good. That's what people have said. I mean, I didn't really have an issue with the food when I was there. I'm crushing beans on toast. I'm letting you know right now. It's good, dude. You know how I feel about beans. You love beans. Beans, bangers, put them anywhere you want. Bangers and mash. Wait, I thought the bangers were the mash. No. What's bangers? Bangers are sausage, babe. You bang the sausage. Wait, why do they call them bangers?

Because of banging? Like banging sausages? Do I look it up or do you look it up? I don't think either of us look it up. I imagine... Yeah, that's probably a very scary Google search. Why do they call sausages... Bangers and mush. Bangers. Bangers. Why do they call it bangers? I don't know. I imagine because you bite into them and the flavor bangs your fucking throat.

That's not a good way to say it. Definitely so many other ways I could have said that. A thousand. Infinite other ways. Honestly, yeah. Infinite. Several billion. Yeah. But we're excited to be there.

We're gonna try and like See the sights Frank's never been to the UK I recently just went to Scotland I've never been to London Never been to Dublin Two places that I've wanted to go In my life so Really cool that the first time Is gonna be these shows It's uh It's gonna be something We might be a little sleepy Getting over there Cause of jet lag Jet lag Yeah Jet lag Don't it Jet lag What's that? I don't know why I keep saying it So uh Yeah go check it out Thebasementyard.com And uh

What's that? Can we see Platform 9 in three quarters? It is in a train station. Is that King's Cross, isn't it? Yeah. Is it? I don't know where it is. It has to be in London. It has to.

Okay. I mean, might as well start, right? What do you mean? There's probably a bunch of Americans that show up and they're like, oh, here's where... Drive your car. Yeah. Oh, no, absolutely. 100%. Will you take a cart and drive it into the wall? I think the thing that they have there is they have a cart half pushing... Sticking out the wall and you can pretend that you're pushing it and stuff like that. Yeah. There's going to...

We're going to be probably annoying Americans. Hell yeah. All of those places. Yeah, I don't think we have a choice. Maybe. Yeah, I don't know. It's just in our blood. I mean, it is just who we are, baby. It's coursing through our veins to be annoying. Through our veins. Yeah, we're going to be really excited. Bro, I hope you do the entire Scotland show on the accent. That would be great.

I don't know. Oh my god, dude. We get to interact with the Scottish crowd and hear their voices. Yeah. Do you think their laughs sound different too? Because like here in America, their laughs are like, ha ha. Or they're like, ha ha ha. In London, they're like, oh ho ho. This is Dainey. This is nice. This is nice, yeah? We're on bunk, yeah?

Oh man, they're not going to be happy with us probably. They're just going to be like, what are you guys? Mostly you, I would say. No, do you remember all that stuff? I can't do the accent. Oh yeah, we talked about the royal wedding. But she's dead. I don't think anyone's fucking with this guy. Who's the guy? King Charles? With his sausage fingers? We probably should not talk about the king, dad. They'll come get us. What's he going to do?

Probably several... There's several hundred years of history that suggests he might do something. He's gonna send his army of horses at us? Come on. You wouldn't be shook if you just woke up and there were several horses running in your direction? I'd be terrified. With lances and swords and all that? You'd be scared. I'm re-watching Game of Thrones, and it's honestly crazy that, like, people on horseback...

Could kill... Like, you know what I'm saying? How hard is it to kill a guy on a horse? Why is that hard? Because it's happening very fast. Yeah, but just cut the horse's leg. Like, now I feel like I'm... I think that's what they... I think that's what they do in the show. Is, like, they, like, take the horses out and then... Like, isn't that what happens in Battle of the Bastards?

Yeah, they like cut a horse's leg and he comes down and he fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. That show, I've seen it once. Never need to see it again. I'm so okay. Unbelievable show. Yeah. I mean, it's, I think it definitely is a great show. It is not one of the greatest shows of all time. I stand by that. Easily. Not even top five. Easily. That's insane. No. I'm not even going to ask your top five because I don't care. But the reason that you love it so much is because of the production value. What? No, it isn't.

do you do something like that what goes through your head that you you're just so used to saying things that you're like here's why you like i when have i ever said that so why do you like it

The storylines, Joey? Tell me one storyline. Frank. Oh, you like watching brothers and sisters fucking diddle bop, bing bang, bing bang, bangers and mash. Yeah. That's not why. I think it's such an incredible show because there's like nine different storylines going on. The production value. That's not production value, dumbass. The fact that they can interweave. All right, the writing. You're a big fan of George R.R. Martin? Frank, that's the reason why anyone likes any show. And the acting is great.

Acting's good. I will say that. It is good. I think that a lot of people, they see that show. That show sent a benchmark for TV. After that, now shows are $50 million projects, and each episode is a million dollars. Not Severance, which is coming out. It has 100 Rotten Tomatoes. You're saying? Oh, I haven't seen any of Severance. Is it good? It's good. I don't want to act like it's insane, but the reviews for the second season, which is coming out next week or some shit...

are like a hundred like it's getting like praise like whoa one of the best seasons of a show ever which is like i think it's a good show okay but if this second season is like great then it definitely could be like yo okay all right we're not going to talk about shows the whole time anyway we could baby we can sit here and talk shows all day i'm a show i'm a show talker i know i love shows as well uh here's a more basement yard topic

We got more. You brought this up to me. Mm-hmm. And all I did was write down what you said. Yeah. And it says, son of OnlyFans star explains why he takes pics for his mother. Yeah. Now it's your turn to tell me what? Or I can just sit here and hold out and make you squirm like a little piggy. I don't even know how to respond to that. You don't respond to it. That's how, because I'm going to put a ball gag in your mouth, you dirty little. What's going on with you over there? Kid woke up horny on the horny side of the bread. No, no, no, no. I'm not horny right now. Shit.

No, I'm not horny right now. No. No, apparently there is an OnlyFans creator. Oh, a content creator? What do you call them? Creators. Models? Creators. Creators? That's what they call them. Okay, who's they? The Earth. Gotcha, okay. OnlyFans creators. Because OnlyFans is a product of the Earth. Correct. Yeah. But apparently, I don't know what her name is. I have the information on my phone, but I don't care to look at it. Her son is the one that...

Is the photographer behind the... There goes that photographer again. Come on. Behind the camera taking the pictures and presumably videos for his mother. Is she... Wait. I haven't seen... I don't know. Is this not against the law? Is there not a law like... Why, babe? Why? I mean, I think it should be, but why would it be? Because that's like child abuse. He's of age. I think he's in his 20s.

Okay, then he should be in jail. Or we should lock them both up separately. Yeah, together they might be. You never know what would happen. The fuck? No, but so people said like, that's weird. Weird? It's disgusting. We agree, right? Of course. If your mom. Frank. Okay. Don't finish your sentence. Okay, okay. But if your mom. Fuck you. Okay? Did you ever. No, no, no. I'm saying like if your mom. Don't point at me. Frankie. Yeah, sorry. Your mom was asking you.

Hey, I'm going to take these photos or I'm going to, I need you to take these photos. I'd be pissed. She told me in the first place, right? Do it on your own time. Right? I don't need to know about this. I understand now is a different place than the word, a different place in the world. Now we're not that different place that you're going to be taking naked pictures for your mother, bro. Could you imagine? No, never in a million years. I don't care how close I am with my parents or my children like that. It ain't happening. I wouldn't do that for my friend.

Joey. What? Joey. You, what? I don't like that you turned towards me. If I called you and said, yo, take pictures of my dong, dong sack butt, I'm throwing it online. You're not going to be like, I support you? That's not what you're asking. And take the pictures for you? I'm not taking the photos. Why? I don't need to. Just to be clear, I'm not taking them for you either. But I would expect more, I would expect more respect than I give you. Respect? Yeah.

Then I give you... I'm not taking the photos. I'd be like, here's a link to a tripod. Set it up with a timer. But I'm not going to be there five inches from your... Taking photos of it. I'll show you a tripod. Yeah, I bet you won't. That's bananas. It is ridiculous. There's no excuse for taking naked photos of your mom. So someone asked him like, hey, what the hell? Sure. Yeah. Fair question. I have a question. Um...

Yes. My first question is, what the fuck? Man in the back. Man in the black shirt. I already did the thing. Oh, do it again. Well, let's get, because it'd be funny. We'll go with that. Just be like, all right, we'll be fielding some questions. Hold on one second. I have a question. Okay, yes. Man in the black shirt. Go ahead. What the fuck is going on? What the shithole? So he said, he was just like, I, I, it's just, it's not weird for me because I don't get horny. It's, I consider it work. And then afterward he goes, oh, and also because it's my mom, I'm not attracted to her. Yeah. See, you kicked that one under the dirt. You're fucking.

What am I saying? Kicked it under the rug. Who are you? You are me. I am you, me, you and me. What? Yeah, no, that's disgusting. You can't be doing that. Ill. That should be illegal though. You shouldn't. The first part should be like, yeah, I, it is. I'm not attracted to my mom. Let's make that very clear. Like burying that underneath the first part is the weird, you know, like they're not beating the allegations there. Do you as a parent approach your son like with this attitude?

Hey, can you take some pictures for me? I imagine. All right, let's role play here. I'm daddy. You're my son. Okay, you ready? You're not daddy. Let's get that clear. All right. What do you call your dad? Dad. Okay. I am daddy. Go ahead. Go ahead. No. Oh, it's on me to initiate. I'm sitting in my room. Hey, sport. I need to talk to you for a sec. Do you mind coming and sit down right here on papa's lap?

I am 24. Okay, you're 24 again. In this situation. Alright, alright. No, I'm joking around. Just joshing you. Haha. Skirt. Okay. Skirt? How would you bring that up? I would say, hey listen, I have to take some pictures for work, but I really don't have anyone to take, I don't have a tripod and I need to get them done soon. Do you mind helping me out? What kind of pictures?

Just stuff for work. Nothing crazy. What am I taking pictures of? Me. It's just me. Oh, just like a headshot? No, a little more. Like head to toe. Full body shot. Yes. Yeah. Only like three or four of them. Nothing crazy. Okay. All right. What are you doing? What are you doing? What? Why are you taking your shirt off? Oh, well, I'm not going to be wearing this for my... Oh, you're going to wear a different shirt? Look what I'm wearing. You're going to wear a different shirt. I'm sorry? I'm sorry.

What did you say? I couldn't hear you. You're going to wear a different shirt. No. You're going to be a shirtless. What are you doing? What are you doing? I just, I'm not, I'm not, I can't wear it. I just said I can't wear this for these pictures. What are you wearing? Why are you taking your clothes off? Quick, we got to get this done. I'm not taking underwear photos of you, dad. And your pants are coming off. Are you changing your pants? Why are you taking your pants off?

Shaking your butt off? I just, I can't wear this. You understand. I don't understand. Let's get that clear. Let's get this done. I gotta send this. It's already like midnight in Tokyo. Come on. You're selling these to Japanese people?

So that's how you do it. Yeah, but are you naked now? Yeah. Oh, I'm running out of air. Really? Yeah, no. Just quick. I already locked the doors. Just stay. You locked the door? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not going to eat. Just take the pictures. I'm not going to eat? Just take the pictures or the shackles go back on. It's weird. That's what we're joking about. Ha ha jokes. It's weird. Yeah, no, that's a little crazy. This dude should be questioned by the FBI maybe? Oh, I don't think it's in this country.

I think it was in Brazil. Brazil. Yeah. I don't know much. How would they sound if the mom asked? I have no idea. I don't know how to. Oi, tchutchuku. Okay. You know? I don't know what that means. It means like little cutie boy. Does it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I remember that. You remember that? Yeah. Who called you a little cutie boy in Brazil? I dated a Brazilian girl. And she called you that? She called me tchutchuku. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What does that mean? A little cutie boy? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't get any nicknames growing up. Yeah, you've never got nicknames. Never got nicknames. No one called you anything. You called yourself a lot of things. Agent Zero, you called yourself. Let's see, what else? You called yourself a proud boy for years.

Oh, that's all right. You're right. You're still calling yourself that. Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's it. If you could honestly go back to when you were a teenager, if you could have a nickname, what would it be? I remember actually, this is going to sound so fucking stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the show. Welcome back to the basement yard where everything sounds really stupid. I maybe, I don't know if you felt this way too, but like,

You wanted a cool nickname. Hell yeah. That was just like not your name at all. Hell yeah. And I remember watching the Friday Night Lights movie. What was his name? And one of the running back who gets hurt, his nickname was Boobie. Boobie Miles. And I was like, damn, I wish people called me Boobie. You wanted people to call you Boobie? Boobie. Because you were so afraid. Not Boobies. Boobie. Boobie. Yeah. Why? Why?

That was his nickname and it just felt mad cool. So that's all... Like, that's, like... I wanted to be Boobie. Really? I don't think that I ever, like, brought that to our friend group. Be like, yo, how about Boobie? Like, I never did that, but I was, like, hoping that you guys would. Oh, yeah.

Like, just out of nowhere. You thought we would accidentally call you Boobie, and you're just like, yep, yes, uh-huh, yeah. Say my name again. Yeah, like, I was like, I wanted my nickname to be Boobie for some reason. Boobie, that's a weird one. I don't think, I mean, you know, our nicknames were Joey and Frankie. Yeah. Like, that was the closest thing. I don't think I had, like, there was one person that we knew that called me Fax. Who? Chelsea. Chelsea. What? What?

I didn't think you were going to say fax for a second. Yeah. What do you think? Oh, you thought I was going something way worse. I was like, I know it was back in the day, but don't say that on this show. Well, there was someone that we knew that used some bad words. Wait, Chelsea called you fax? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yikes.

I mean, I didn't hate it. I know, you loved it. We went to Splish Splash and Frank got a tattoo across his chest that said F-A-X. Well, it was facts too. It was squared. Facts squared, baby. Which is so many facts. That was our tag that we never once tagged anywhere. Ever. Ever. You were Joe Mudd.

I was faxed too. There was other kids in our class that like wanted one. I remember once my brother Nick was like, yo, like do you think you can come up with a cool nickname for me? And there were these toys that came out at the time and they were like little like – they looked like stick figures but they were made of blocks and you could like change the way that they were. Oh, yeah.

You know, you remember what I'm talking about? Weren't those like always in like dentist's office or some shit? No, kind of. But like you could change the way that they were so you could stack them in like a building. Okay, okay. And they were called knickknacks. So you called your brother knickknacks? So my brother was knickknack. And then, yeah, I can't remember anyone else. Yeah, I remember my sister when she was like in eighth grade maybe. She was dating some kid.

And I remember sitting outside of my stoop and his name was Joseph, right? Or maybe this was a little older, but I remember sitting outside on the stoop and this was like before he knew my name and she was standing there with him. And I think I was asking him like, Oh, why do you go by Joseph? Cause to me that was like something my grandma would call me. And he's like, because the nickname Joey is gay. And that's what everyone called me. Yeah. And I literally was like, Hmm.

I never said a word. You know what's funny? He obviously knew your name. No, I don't think he knew my name. He was dating your sister. I'm sure that there was some conversation about I have a little brother. They're in eighth grade. They don't talk about like, so what do you do for work? They just enjoy chocolate milk or whatever the fuck. Maybe I'm underestimating how old eighth grade is. You're definitely like... When I...

Yeah, they talk about their siblings and stuff. So he was pressing me. He was definitely, it was like a moment of like, I'm the man of this house now. Got it. Because Thomas was probably in college at that point, right? Yeah. Or like about to go. So he had to reestablish himself or establish himself in your home. Right. I was like, I'm the alpha male here.

Keith was on RuneScape. He was busy. So he was like, yo, you got a gay nickname, Joey. Yeah, just to let you know. You changed it. I'm the only Joe in this house now. I didn't really see it that way. I thought that he just didn't know my name was Joey. So I was just like, oh, yeah. That was a power play. Yeah, that's crazy. Yo, that is gay.

Oh, you know what? I had a code name, I guess, not a nickname. I think I've told you this. Frank, you're not a secret agent. Well, it was... It's a nickname? No, it was when I was in sixth grade. My sixth grade girlfriend and I would write, like, notes back and forth, but... And your name was Chester. Chester, yeah. How did you land on the whitest name ever? I don't know. I think we just... Did you pick Chester? Maybe. I'm not sure. It's quite possible. What was her name? I can't remember off the top of my head. Damn it! Yeah, I know, but...

Like I was Chester I forgot What was the reason For having a code name Well you pass notes Explaining how much You liked someone And it would be Forget about it If a teacher caught that You know they'd do One of the whole Like let's read this out loud That happened to me In Ms. Barbario's class I was passing a note To Jamie And she took it She didn't read it In front of the class But she read it And she was just like smiling And she gave it back to me And I was like What did it say

I don't know. It was something about... I may have, like, passed it through you to her. I was so... That was the thing that was so difficult for me. It was like I was the intermediary between both of you, and I would be like, oh, what is it? You guys like each other? Cool. Like, I would hand it off. Yeah. You know, no one fucking... Oh, my God. No one wrote for me. No one wrote for me in fifth grade, dog. First of all... I didn't have a ride or die like you did in fifth grade. No one fucking...

She didn't ride or die either. Yeah, she didn't ride or die for you. That's what I'm saying. You know. And then you made out with her. Well, you know, I will never forget that. Forget it. What? Uh.

I think it's time you can forget, bro. I mean, like, the whole part of it, like, you finding out. That I will never forget because you were... Finding out? You just told me. I told you. Yeah. You were not happy. There was no investigation. No, but, like, I just... I'll never forget telling you that in your response. You were not happy. Yeah, no, it was not good. But... I...

I'll never forget that. It is seared into my brain. That is fucking hysterical. Yeah, but I don't even know why I brought it up. Oh, because of the passing notes. But I was in Ms. Barberio's class. And you remember when they made us walk down the hall and be like, oh, this is what high school is going to be like. This is what sixth grade is going to be. You walk 20 feet to your next class. Yeah. Well, I think because they had switched up for math.

To put the kids that are strongest at math all together and then weakest together. And that's why we were in the same math classes. We were both good at math back then. I was always great at math. Believe it or not, me and Frankie were good students. Yeah. We're only dumb now. We're academically probably still very gifted. Yeah. And gifted in other ways.

Not wieners. I'm saying like, you know, like, well, why did you say some people say like, he said that he's got gifts. He's gifted, you know, well endowed. Oh, I don't know why I went to wieners first. I'll be honest. Okay. Maybe therapy. Look into that. Uh, but yes, Ms. Barbaro's class, I was passing a note and then she took it and she saw it. I was like,

I also very vividly remember that day because that was the day of the Mount Carmel dance. And Frankie, I remember it. I remember that dance too. And you, it was like you and Jamie were going to dance together. We didn't, I know, but everyone was just like, Oh shit, what's going to happen?

And I remember because where was that school because it's on like 30th Avenue If you would ask me that school was in upstate New York Oh dead hours. I did like anywhere that I had to get in a car. I'm like, oh my god We're happy in Pennsylvania. Yeah. Yeah swear to God. I thought the exact same thing crazy Yeah, but I remember I remember going and being like damn like everyone's so tall cuz we were like young and

Yeah, but they were only like three years older than us. It's not like they were ancient. Those three years are insane for growth of your actual physical body. And you would see them. I remember there was a kid in our neighborhood that I think was only a year older than us, but I saw him dancing with a girl, and I was just like, that's what I'm going to be like when I grow up. Like that's...

Like that's like as a kid, you see people like older people doing stuff and you're just like, whoa, that's so far. That's so sick. Like kissing girls is so sick. This is what the future holds. Yeah. Maybe even less than a year old, like a calendar year, like six months. Yeah. That was dancing with girls was so bro. Do you remember Alex, the girl's birthday at her crib and in the basement they put on like Spanish music and I was like,

Yeah. I was mad scared. I remember around that time is when Yeah by Usher came out. And that was the thing that people just threw that on repeat. And it would be fucking ludicrous. Yeah by Usher. Yeah. And that shit came on. I was scared, man. And they shut all the lights off. Yes. And there was a light machine. Yes. That did multicolor lights. And I remember it was her birthday and we went into her basement. And her parents let us be down there. Just chilling. Just like...

Put on these lights, put on music, and I was already mad nervous to like dance with girls or do whatever. And then fucking Daddy Akey came on and I almost had a fucking panic attack. And I was like, if someone puts their ass on me, I'm literally going home. Joey heard rompe one time and it was, he got very scared. Oh!

I was like, no, no, no. This can't happen here. No, I hear you. I think you danced with someone that day and I was like, damn, good for Frank. Listen, man. I was the mentality of like, just go for it, dude. You know? We did a 180 in so many ways. At that time, I was like, life is short. I was 12. Right. Let's just do it. Life is short. Let's just do it now. Live for the moment. Now I'm like, let's take very calculated risks. Right, yeah. And making sure, you know? Yeah.

I remember, yo, that's so funny. Yo, dancing with girls and kissing them was like, I don't know if I've ever felt panic like that. I really like, and I am not looking forward to that part of parenting, but like, I wonder what, this is a weird way to say this, but like,

That was like a rite of passage when we were kids. Our parents kind of let us experience life and didn't really talk to us about stuff like that. At all. My parents did not. Me neither. Your parents did not. But I see the relationship that Becca and I have with Miles, and it is very heavily based off of communication. And like, how are you feeling and understanding? And like, I have a crush on this person, blah, blah, blah. So like, what is that going to be like when our kids...

At that age are like, I have a crush on a boy. Like bro, Ruby comes home, tells me she has a crush on a boy. I, I'm not kidding. I might kill a child. No, you just got to do a background check. Not him, not her, him or her, whatever she's into. Right. But like, that is going to be so weird to navigate. I'm going to, I'll tell you this.

We're going to have a lot of material for this show, boy. Yeah, yeah. Because there's a... Oh, my God, dude. Can you imagine? I can't... Like... Ah, yeah. Teenagers? Oh, God. And you know what? You know what will be nice, though? Like, my kids are a couple years older than your kids because you have... Zero. Yeah. So, like, I'll be able to, like, walk you through it. I'll be big bro again. When was the first time? Say those ads. Go ahead. Read those ads. We have ads. I'm older than Frank by a couple of months.

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Joey, back to you. I think that just kind of coming back to the conversation we were having before, there is a lot about parenting that I remember my parents saying to me, wait until you got to deal with this, and now I am terrified of it. Oh, like teenagers? Yeah, dude. Like, bro, they're nuts. Kids are nuts. Even when they're not, they're crazy. Yeah.

If they're not nuts, they're crazy. That's what I'm saying. And then if they're not crazy, you're like, wait a sec, what is wrong with my kid? Why aren't they a little nuts? So I don't know. Do I want my kids to be crazy or nuts? I don't know. I think that you are maybe causing yourself some anxiety there judging by the sentence that you just gave. No, I'm excited. But also, I'm a cool dad. I am going to do my best.

My goddamn best to embarrass these kids, though. You're one of those dads. I'm going to have to be. Hey, kids. No, no, no, no, no. But like, if they're having their friends over. You're going to blast music while you pick them up from high school? Oh, yeah. When they're having their friends over, door open or I'll rip it off its hinges. Uh-huh. You know? Oh, like don't close your door. Yeah. Hell yeah. What are you guys talking about? No phones. Let me see it. No phones. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, you have... Because you have to establish, like...

always thinks you're gonna be a cool dad you know cool dad yeah i'm chill you know like yeah and then these kids come home with you know and they're engaged to be married at 18 years old you know what i'm saying wouldn't that be a good thing bro if you went home at 18 mom dad oh and like not like i married this person in vegas or something yep yeah no that's insane yeah you know yeah you know what i'm saying i thought you meant

Don't know. I don't really know I like I was picturing like oh like because our parents got married your childhood crush at 18 not childhood But like celebrity crush at 18 Maybe like Katy Perry or something Which who I would have married at 18 So if Katy Perry has said don't think about it too much, but you just turned 18 and I want to marry you Yeah, I wouldn't have thought about why that's weird until probably today. Yeah

But, yeah. Yeah. I probably would. I'm trying to think who was mine. I remember being upset that Katy Perry didn't know I existed. I'm saying didn't know like she does now. Yeah. She doesn't. There's a better chance that she knows you now. Sure. You know. Oh, there was a less than zero at 18. Like now she might have just been like, who's this loser that. Exactly. You know what I'm saying. That's what I mean. So like maybe she saw my face at some point. But.

I did have a huge crush on Katy Perry. I mean, but she's also with... Like California girls, Katy Perry? Whoa. She's with Orlando Bloom, so... I know, I can't... She'd see your face and just go, fuck this guy. Ew. You know, she's with Legolas. Yeah, it's true. You know? Unless I beat him in a sword fight. Well, he was never great with swords, obviously. He was great with swords. He was good with his sword, but his strength... Not Legolas, bro. I'm talking about Pirates of the Caribbean now.

Oh, Will Turner. Yes, Will Turner. Will Turner. Yeah. He was not great with his sword either. He was just always in the right place at the right time. No, apparently he was good with his sword. He was like a blacksmith or whatever. Yeah, that doesn't mean you're good with a sword. It means you're good at making them. He was good with a sword, though. Like him as an individual? That was a whole thing. That whole scene of him fighting Jack Sparrow with the sword and Jack Sparrow was like, oh, this guy's pretty good. That's like part of the movie. Really? I don't remember that. I haven't watched those movies. I would like to re-watch that. I haven't watched those in a while, but I remember a lot of them being dog shit.

No! Some of them got a little too much. The first one was great, too. First one was good. Second one was good. And then after that, they started going... I feel like I fell off of... When Jack Sparrow wakes up in the middle of nowhere... That's like every movie. That's like the third one. He gets swallowed by the Kraken. Remember? In the second one? I don't remember, honestly. Remember his dad has barnacles on his face? Yeah. Actually, it was cool. Ugly, though. Yeah, well, duh. If you could pick to be in the Lord of the Rings franchise...

Hear me out. Go. You can exist as a character, and not like a loser character. A cool one. A cool character in either Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean. I think my next is going to easily give you an answer, but whatever. Or I'll do this. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean. Because if I ask Harry Potter, I know exactly where you're going. Harry fucking Potter, baby. But I'm not asking Harry Potter because we know you'd be a Hufflepuff.

Yeah, right! You'd be a Hufflepuff. No, bitch. You'd be like, no, the hat's gotta be, it didn't fit where I... No, I'd be, I'd probably be a Slytherin, because I'm cunning. Frank, you wish you were a Slytherin. Bitch! You wish. Bitch! You wish. Go on, go on Pottermore right now. Let's figure this the fuck out. Go on Pottermore? Pottermore. You can get your Patronus, you can get your house.

What does that mean? Wait, hold on. Is this a website? Yeah, it's run by the Harry Potter people. Pottermore, babe. So you're just putting in names? Well, like they'll ask, you'll take a quiz and it'll be like, this is what your Patronus animal will be. This is what your house would be. Pottermore, find out house. The official Hogwarts house on, yeah, okay. Yeah, but get sorted now. Get sorted, but- Start the sorting ceremony. Okay, all right, okay, okay. All right, I'm doing me. All right.

When's your birthday? We know your birthday. Oh, it's month first. Oh, wait. That's how it works normally. I thought they were doing that. I know. I thought they were stupid. Okay. Email address. One of these. One of these. You can put mine in if you don't feel, you know. Just do it. But you didn't answer. As you're filling this stuff out. Yes. Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, or Star Wars? It's going to be very difficult not to like...

That's tough, right? It's toughy-dove. Maybe Star Wars. Really? You can travel to different planets? Terrifying.

Yeah, but not if you live in the world. Yeah, but then you're also under the regime of like space Hitler. Regime. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, honestly. Like it's warm. Because it's just like it's not fantastical. I mean, there is some fantastical stuff. Why are you saying fantastical? Because like Lord of the Rings, there's orcs and wizards. Here we go. All right.

Dawn or dusk? You are more, probably I would say you are a dusk guy. No, I like the dawn. Really? The dawn of a new day. Dawn. All right. Okay. Early morning. Okay. Boom. What are you most looking forward to learning at Hogwarts? What are the options? All about magical creatures and how to befriend and care for them. You do like that one. You like animals. Flying on a broomstick. That's a good one too. Apparition and I'm not even going to read that. Too many shins.

Being able to materialize and dematerialize. No. Secrets about the castle. Kind of cool. That is cool. Transfiguration. Turning one object into another. We know what that means, Joey. You don't need to read that part of it. Hexes and jinxes.

Every area of magic I can. I think you would want to be a well-rounded man. I want to be well-rounded at magic. Well-rounded, yeah. Choose a category to continue. Cats, toads, or owls? Cats, fuck you. Toads, ew. Owls, a thousand percent. I'll take the owls. Yeah, Joey's an owl guy. Which pet would you choose? Barn owl, tawny owl. Oh, what the hell? Snowy owl. Snowy owl. Screech owl. Oh.

Brown owl! Wait, hold on. Brown owl is pretty cool and for diversity reasons you should pick that. If you don't, you are a racist. But I like the tawny. He's brown though. Is he brown? Oh, there are pictures of these owls? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. That's a tawny owl. Oh, that one looks smart. That looks like it's gonna feed- Look at that one though! The snowy. But the brown one looks like it'll be a professor.

This one looks like the one that ate all the lollipops. The tawny one looks like it would be like a professor and he would say something like, you know, like, we are doomed to repeat history if we do not acknowledge it. Yeah. Okay, which of the following do you find most difficult to deal with? Loneliness. You like being alone sometimes, but like too much loneliness. Boredom. Hunger. Being ignored. Cold. Cold?

What are those that you can't deal with? Like, find the most difficult to deal with? I'll say boredom. Well, Joey lives in a $40 million mansion, so when you're cold, you just go into your hot tub. Your swimming pool-sized hot tub. Which road tempts you the most? Tempts. The twisting, leaf-strewn path through the woods? These people don't realize I'm a puss. No.

The wide, sunny, grassy lane? That sounds beautiful. You do like woods, though. Yeah, but not dark woods. Did it say dark or did it say windy? It said dark and whiny. Windy. Twisty leaf strewn path through the woods. Oh, okay. It doesn't say dark. It doesn't. It looked dark. The narrow, dark, lantern-lit alley? Wild.

Literally not. No, absolutely not. We grew up in enough alleys. We're okay. The cobbled street lined with ancient buildings. That one's kind of cool. I'm going to say the wide, sunny, grassy lane. That sounds about right. Yeah. Once every century, the flutterbee bush produces flowers that adapt their scent to attract the unwary. That's mad words. I can't. If it lured you, it would smell of... Okay, so what would lure me? The scent. Money. The scent.

I do like the smell of money. Attention. And books. Oh, yes. The smell of books. So if books is an answer, I'm taking that. This one says the sea. Who is tempted by that? The sea smells good. The salty air. I don't hate that. Am I a fish? Home. That's nice. That is subjective. Home smell is subjective. A crackling log fire. Love that. You like the smell of fire, though, or do you just like the sound of it? I think that... No, I like both. I like the smell of... Okay. All right. Good. Fresh parchment.

That's book, baby. That's book. That's as close to book as you're getting. But it's parchment, I think, of scrolls. Yeah, and what do you think books were made of back then, Joey? No. I'm going to say a crackling log fire, though. Okay, whatever you want. After you have died, what would you most like people to do when they hear your name? Ask for more stories about your adventures? Miss you, but smile? Think with admiration of your achievements?

I don't care what people think of me after I'm dead. It's what they think of me while I'm alive that counts. That one. That one sucks. I'm gonna say... Jesus Christ, this is getting morbid. Ask for more stories about your adventure. What adventures have you been on, Joey? None, but... You've drank in several countries. Those are not adventures. Those just prove that you have possibly a little... Oh, look at Lewis and Clark over here! Heads or tails?

Okay, okay. Are you getting your answer? Look at, turn it to me. Turn it to me. Turn it to me. The sorting hat is ready to make its decision. All right, turn to me and don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Did it do it? Gryffindor! Yes! Way to go, Joey. Way to go. Yes! Congratulations. I'm, and I'm, here I am. You know what I mean? There you are, babe. Now you know. That's crazy. I'm not going to do mine because either I get Gryffindor and I'm happy or I get someone else and I'm pissed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I would love to be a wizard, though. Besides the point, I'm picking pirate. I would still like to be a pirate for like a month. But like a good pirate, like a nice pirate. No, I'd like to rob, but maybe other pirates I'd like to rob. Oh, so that's pretty good. I mean, I'm saying like you're the pirate's pirate, you know? Like you're going after the booty of the other pirates. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And rum. There's that alcohol. There it is. There it is. Right. And wine. Yeah. That one's tough because of all the... I don't really like being out at sea, though. Being known as someone that lives out on the sea is miserable. Kind of crazy. Let me tell you, that sounds awful. I probably have a really good tan.

Uh, yeah. And you'd also have a really good couple spots they needed to probably cut out of your skin because of the potential melanoma. Yeah. I probably definitely get that. Yeah. You'd be an old leathery hag. Yeah, but I have a cool hat and probably a pet monkey. Let's just get, why can't we just dress like pirates? Why can't you live in Brooklyn? Most people dress that way anyway. That's fair. You know, we could like pirate chic.

Which is just pirates. I mean, you would need earrings, which you have none of. You would need longer hair. And I would need mascara. Not mascara. Eyeliner? Eyeliner. I mean, whatever. That's fine. A golden tooth? That'd be cool. You know what's crazy? Collectively, all of our success, neither of us have gotten grills. You think that's crazy? That we haven't? Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Wait, you want grills? I mean... Frank, I know that there was a point in your life where you desperately wanted them. I mean, hear me out. Would you hate it? If I had grills? Yeah. I don't know that it would go with my whole life. Really? It doesn't match my life. Grills? Yeah. Or at least one gold tooth. Like, what's his name? Like, one of the wet bandits? Marv? No, Harry. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Do it. Why not? Why not?

I don't know. I don't think I can. I think you can pull it off. I don't know. I don't know. You probably can't pull off a grill. What about you? Would you get like a diamond chain? Like a big one? Not like a giant one. I'm not even going to lie to you. I've recently been looking up getting more jewelry. Okay, what kind? Because one of the gifts that Becca got me for Christmas was a watch box and there's like slots for like jewelry and stuff like that. So you're like, obviously you got to fill it up. So now I got to fill it up. Okay, but are you going to get like diamonds?

No, so I'll show you after. I'll show you some of the rings that I've been looking at. Rings? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you going to fill up your hands? Not like fully, but like there's going to be at least two on this hand. Okay. But like not at all times. Shiny? Diamond-y? Different colors. Different colors, you know. You're a ring guy. I think I am a ring guy. Okay. You know? But like this hand, I like it just being my wedding band. Like it stays on its own. It's nice. You know, it does its thing.

This hand, on the other hand. Fill it up. It's going to be filled. Yeah. You know? And then I looked into, like, bracelets. And I saw... Because we know someone who is just an absolute menace to society who got, like, a Cuban link bracelet. And I was like, I can't ever do that. A Cuban link bracelet? Yeah. Okay. So... But would you get a chain? I could get me a chain for Christmas. I'm talking about, like, a...

Like a big old one. Not like a big giant one, but like something egregious. No, no, no, I wouldn't. I think the one that Becca got me is pretty much almost, it looks almost identical to the one that you're wearing right now. But like the way you have your bracelets, like those aren't bad. Like those are subtle. And like, I'm more into like subtlety with jewelry. Uh-huh. You know. I'm more into subtlety. I'm filling this hand up. I said very clearly, I'm not filling it up, but I am going to put some stuff on there. Yeah. You know. Okay. Just a couple of different.

Maybe take the tape off of your thumb and that would make it look a little better. Yeah. No, but like fill it up with tape. If I come in and I have a ring for each hand, that would be insane for each finger, you know? Right. You just think you're Thanos with that. Yo, I didn't even think of that. Don't spend too much thinking about it. It's not very cool. I would say I wasn't even thinking of getting a thumb ring, but now that you said that I've put a ring on my thumb before. Where else have you put a ring? We have more ads.

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Slash bass man. All right. Very good. Very good. Ooh, very good. Dude, we have to talk about, I'm down a rabbit hole with this dude on TikTok who is like addicted to soda and he drinks like

Around the clock. He opened up his fridge and it was just filled with soda. I saw that. And then he's like, people ask me if I have water. And then he's like at the gym. He's like, of course I've drank water. But I also, and he holds up like two Pepsis. And I'm like, bro. I also saw that like he'll like pour it. Like, cause I was watching it too. I know what you're referencing. And he opened it and there was like Fresca. And I was like, oh, okay. Fresca is not like,

What is Fresca? I think it's just like, it's like LaCroix. Oh, okay. You know, like that. I could be wrong, but I don't care to find out. Right. But then I saw he'd like pour a Fresca and I'm like, all right, that's not bad. And then he'd put like three pumps of like, like Starbucks sugar syrup in it. Yeah. Yeah. I have seen that. Dude.

Not good. I mean, he said he can go through like several 12 packs a weekend. Yeah, it said he claims he can drink three 12 packs in a weekend. That's insane. That's a lot of sugar, dude. That's like four times the amount of soda I drink in a year. What does this person look like? Are they not like...

Well, maybe outside they look okay, but on the inside they probably are not doing so hot. Even with the sugar content of a soda, like, bro, the bubbies? That's a lot of bubbles going on. Well, some of us are adults and our insides know how to deal with carbonation, unlike your fucking, you know, toddler insides. So the bubbies are not the problem. It's the sugar content. Frank, the human body, if you drink a lot of carbonated shit, will get bloated. Yeah, and you go like this. Boop.

That's it. Sorry, Joey. I haven't burped in 20 years. I have a condition. Which is called what? There is a name for it. Oh, really? I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought it was just like a little jokey thing. What did you think I was doing? I thought it was like a little like... I can't burp. So now you're going to bully me. Oh, is it like a serious medical condition? I didn't know that. It's not a serious medical condition. Are you okay?

Don't act like you give a fuck now! Everyone now, he just guilted me into saying that, so now everyone sit around and let's talk with him. Are you okay? This is what you wanted, right bitch? No it's not. Little bitch. You're mean. You're mean. And you're a bastard.

Not in like the literal sense, but you're a bastard. You're being a bastard. Being a bastard. Yes. You have a father. I'll wear that. I do. I do. And he's a very like present. Yes. That's a lot. Three 12-packs in a weekend. You know what? I used to love soda, but then like- What was your favorite soda? Coca-Cola. Oh, yeah. I knew that. Yeah. You've made fun of me for that before. What's your favorite so does? What? What?

Like you're like top five. Oh, Coca-Cola, Love Sprite, Orange Soda. That's like the worst one. Who loves Orange Soda? Frankie loves Orange Soda. Okay. Is it true? I do, I do, I do, I do. Okay, fired. Are you wearing yellow socks? No. Why are you wearing yellow socks? I'm not. Those are cool. Oh, yeah, I am.

They're like not just yellow. They're like Easter yellow. Yeah, baby pastels. I'm exploring my color palette with my clothing a little bit. They're socks. They're colorful socks though, bitch. Yeah. Sorry. I'm kind of hungry. I'm kind of hungry. Yeah. I get angry when I'm hungry.

Back to what I was saying. Yeah, so those sodas are up there. I like those sodas. But I don't really hate... Oh, I hate cream soda and I hate root beer. And anyone that likes those. Do you like a canned Hawaiian punch? No, it feels wrong. It does. I need to drink this out of plastic. Same with brisk. Although brisk... No, I like it in a can. I will say, yeah, I recanted that. Brisk and Nestea, the one that had the cool looking...

You know, like the cool looking snowman on it? Yes. That's sick. I fucked with that. That was so good. Also... Ice tea is great. Not real. It was... Yeah. Sure. I remember the first time I had ice tea that was iced tea and I was like, what the fuck is this? This sucks. Because I was drinking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember my dad used to get the powdered iced tea at the lake house. Yeah. You remember this, right? And I would...

No, so growing up, we had like the big pitcher. I'm sure everyone had it. Everyone had the same looking pitcher. And the top spins. Yeah. It's like one that has like, it goes through like this. If there's ice in there, yeah. So we had that. And like, if you, the rule of my house was like, if you finish it,

Then you have to make the new one. And we would just pray to God that Keith wouldn't finish it. Because when this kid would make iced tea, half the bucket is going in here. There'd be an inch of sugar on the bottom of the thing, even if you stirred it like crazy. That's not surprising. Crazy. That is not. Darkest iced tea ever. Or with lemonade? Forget it, dude. Yeah, all those powdered drinks. But my dad would do it. And I remember he's like, hey, can you make it? And I went and I read the instruction. And it was just like three scoops. And I did it. And I was like...

It's just brown water. And then my dad was like, what is this? And I was like, I made the iced tea. And he's like, go make it the right way. I'm like, how many scoops do you do? I swear to God, he told me 16 scoops. I swear. How is there any powder left? I don't know. 16? Yeah, dude. It was like 16 scoops. And I was like, dad, how is this possible? And he was just like, that's how it tastes good. I'm like, you're just drinking sugar at this point. Yeah. That is an insane amount of scoops. Yeah, my dad would say 16 scoops.

Yeah, I can't. The iced tea. If it's in a can, it needs to be carbonated for me. I can't do like fruit punch in a can except iced tea. They get a pass only because of the cool logos. A snowboarding snowman? Yeah, dude. That's fine. He was like a skeleton snowman. Yeah, he was skeleton-y. He was skeleton-y. What the fuck is that? You know, but like I don't know any soda that I could drink that much and not forget about the health concerns. Just like not hate, you know. Three 12-packs in a weekend.

That's insane, dude. When I was like 21, I couldn't do that with beer. Yes, you could. Yes, you absolutely could. I probably could at the lake. Yo, we should do that for a San Agato Studios video, a case race. I can't drink a case of beer anymore, Frank. I think you can. I can't drink 30 beers. Are you insane? Teams. Me and you on a team versus two other people. That would also be very tough to drink 15 fucking beers. I think you could do it. In a day? Yeah.

It also depends on the way in which you're consuming it. If we were playing drinking games, we would be able to do it. But if we were just sitting down drinking out of a can, we might not. 15 is so insane. We could do it. I don't think I've ever drank a case of beer. That's just like, why? I have during college. You drank a case of beer? There was a day, I'll never forget. We woke up at like 9 a.m. and started drinking. And drank all day until like 3 a.m.

Yeah. Good Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a tough day. A lot of fun. You probably woke up the next day like, I'm good.

I remember because this was weird. This is when the state of Connecticut was weird with their alcohol laws. Who? The state of Connecticut. Oh, oh. Where like you couldn't get it after 5 p.m. during the weekdays or some shit. And then you couldn't get it at all on like Sundays. And so we, I remember me and a bunch of my buddies in college drove to the New York-Connecticut border and bought beer and then drove back to drink it. Wow. Probably drank on the way home like, yeah!

I used to do that. I know. I know. No, you were allowed to drink. I don't... I still don't... Yo, I promise you that was the law because I looked it up. All right, so then at the time... Not in New York State, but once you crossed the border into Connecticut, I was like, bang. Yeah. I was just opening up beers. Not driving. Let's make that very clear. No, no, no. I was a passenger. He was not in the driver's seat or probably even in the front seat. You were probably all the way in the back. Our friend, who I won't say his name to incriminate him because he has a career...

He didn't like when I did it. I don't blame him. I'll say that. Because it's terrifying. Yeah, I wasn't sitting in the passenger seat. It was a big truck, and I'd be in the back, and then I would just stare at my phone, and we would cross the border into Connecticut, and then you'd just hear, and he'd be like, yo! I'm already back here. You made it like a thing that you were cracking it. You'd go, chug!

You know, but all about drinking. I will say, I think I looked it up like within the last five years and I think it has changed. Well, honestly, probably good. But it's kind of a crazy law to begin with.

Passengers over 21 can have open containers of alcohol in a vehicle. Still? That's what it says here. According to that Gemini, the AI thing that told the guy to kill himself. Right. Which allegedly. Passengers over 21 can have open containers. Each passenger can have only one open container at a time. Drivers cannot have alcohol containers while driving. Yeah, that's an insane law. Yeah, that's stupid. There's no reason why you need to be drinking in a car.

car. Drivers can't have open alcohol containers in parking lots with 10 or more cars. That makes no sense. So they can in an empty one. Yo, let's go to the parking lot of the stop and shop that's closed. No, I think maybe if the car is like in park and off, I don't, I don't know. That's weird. There is a law that like you can drink in your car as long as your keys aren't in your ignition.

Well, now with, yes, I know what you're referencing. Now it's not even about just in the ignition. Like you can't even be sitting in the front seat because now most cars are pushed to start. You know, like, isn't that crazy? Our kids will never understand turning it like a car on like that. Bro, do you remember how fucking cool it was when those first came out of like push to start? You're like, yo, that is like luxury. Yeah. I remember when I got my Nissan, it had it in there and I was just like, yeah. Yeah.

No keys. Push to start. Yeah. You know what it is. Everything I do. Do it big. Yeah. Uh-huh. Screaming. What does he scream? That's something. That's nothing. When I pulled off the lot. They stunting. That's stunting. That's stunting. But yeah, I remember push to start when it first came around. I don't like it. I like turning a key. I kind of do too because you can do it aimfully. Go.

But I also just like when a car doesn't start, it's like, I don't mind both of them. My old car, like the very first car I had, I had to rock in the front seat to get the starter going sometimes. That's how much of a piece of shit it was. How would that help get the starter going? Because with the starter, if someone has a bad starter, they say move the car because that might get it going. So you'd be in your car. I literally would be in my car rocking back and forth.

Until you'd see the car from the outside shaking. And it worked sometimes. What was your first car? A 2001 Nissan Altima. 2001 Nissan Altima. All black, murdered out. When did you get it? Murdered out is insane. Like a Nissan Altima. It's just a black car. No, but it had black illegal tints, black rims. You had illegal tints? Yeah. Why did you get them? So I bought it from a Dominican kid in like...

Bayside for $1,000. And it had the entertainment screen on it. I got it with like 134,000 miles on it. Bro, I thought you were going to say 134,000 miles on it. What do you think it was $1,000? It was also 12 years old when I got it, Joey. That's so insane. Yeah. I rode that thing until it was dust. I remember that car. Dust. I remember the day I traded it in.

I didn't have the... The tires were like deflated. There was a broken flex pipe underneath. Probably pissed in that car. You know, that's a great question. I don't remember peeing in that car. That was something you only did as an adult. Got it. Okay. I remember once Espo and I were driving to the lake house and I hit something on the road and it broke a pipe underneath. So I would drive and you'd hear... And you literally look under and you would see the pipe like that. And I brought it to a...

where I lived at the time, right next door was a mechanic. And he's like, this is going to cost like $1,200 to fix, or I can just tie it up. And I was like, just tie it up. Just tie it up. And he told me, he's like, okay, but you can't drive with the windows up because like the fumes can get in the car and you can pass out.

And you were like, that's fine. I'll just... It's fine. Windows down. Yeah. I remember my mom's car. I was driving to go get like sandwiches with Keith or something. And we were listening to a song and I was looking at him and I didn't realize I was drifting. And I drove over like...

the shoulder and we were bouncing around, dude. And I pulled over finally and I looked under and there was like this metal part and it was just like these giant cuts in it. Oh yeah. I was like, I fucked this car up. I, uh, I one time pulled into ironically, uh, a liquor store and they were doing work on like the, the entrance from to the parking lot from the street. And I guess I had taken my eye off the road for a sec and I hit something. Oh,

It wasn't anything living. Right. It was already a dead person. No, and then I got, I went, I like parked, went into the store, bought everything I was buying, came back and there was a puddle of oil. Like, and I had fucked up the oil pan underneath the car. Of your, oh my God. So I drove it to like the mechanic the next morning because on the way home, it was smoking bad. Smoking? Oh yeah, it was smoking bad, dude.

Yeah. That's fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My first car was like, it was nice. It was good. Yeah, no, mine was not. A Mazda 3, I think it was. Nice. It was like- It must be nice being new. $219 a month. Must be nice. I paid $1,000 cash for-

for what could only be described as the biggest piece of shit car on the planet. But I have a soft spot in my heart for that car. It did its job. We're all shocked that you missed your old car piece of shit. That thing was a piece of shit. I'm surprised you gave it back. Didn't keep it. I kept it in my garage. I dropped it off. I dropped it off at the dealership. I traded it in. They gave me $1,500 for it. You made money on that car? Somehow. How many miles did it have when you gave it back? I mean, technically, no, because I fucked up that pipe

Wait, how many miles did it have? Oh, 200,000? Probably, yeah. What the fuck? That's insane. Probably 200,000 miles on it. And they gave me $1,500 for it. And they didn't even, like, they didn't say, like, let's go see the condition. They were just like, yeah, we'll just give you the, for the parts. Yeah. Little did they know those parts were dust. Yeah. They were tied up. They were held together by a literal string. Not an exaggeration, Joey. Yeah.

But yeah, I told you with my car when it got fucking smashed. Yeah. And the guy was like, Oh, can you just pull it down the street? I'm like, dude, I'm scared that I'm gonna turn the car and it's going to explode. Yeah. I literally couldn't shut the door and I had to drive it down the block. That's the other thing is I, I, I bent the door backwards on that one. How did you do that? Um, Oh no, no, not backwards. So I was pulling out of, remember the gas station up the block from us in Astoria? Yeah. I,

I pulled out and I was like, I guess I looked back for something and there was a street sign like a no parking street sign and where the Front, I don't know how it explains but like where the door Hinges and where the front bumper meets there's like a crease right there and it hit there and it bent it backwards So my car door couldn't open more than like this So then I brought it to I brought it to the guy that both of our dads know the mechanic that was on 23rd avenue

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Joe's Garage. Joe, yeah. Yeah. And he used some tool on it where he like put a crowbar in and there was like a thing on a track and he like, it was like a weight and he threw the weight back and it popped the thing out and he's like, you're good.

Damn. Fire. So sick. Being a mechanic is sick, but also sucks. Yeah, yeah. I love the idea of just having dirty hands all the time. And a face that's dirty. And just like a... And my wife beater's all fucked up. Yeah. And he just like... And also, you wear the same thing to work every single day, and it has a cool little... Your name on it. Your name. You know? Right there. Yeah, it's just me. You know? Yeah, it's no problem. I know your daddy. He's your buddy of mine. Don't worry about it. Buddy. Always a buddy. He's always a buddy. Love that. Anyway, folks, those are our shitty cars.

Well, one of us had a shitty car. I had a nice car. I did drive my dad's minivan for a very long time, and that was filled with sandwiches and newspapers. Yeah, that was a strange place. Yeah, it was. We knew someone growing up that had a big, giant red van that just didn't have seats in the back. And we would drive places just sitting in the car. Hello, you're looking at him. That was me. No, there was somebody else, too. Mine was a red minivan. I know, this was a red work van. There was no windows, nothing.

Who the fuck was it? I'll tell you after. I don't want to say any person's name. That's so strange because there was no seats in my dad's car. Yo, nothing. No bench. No, nothing. Like not even like you could see the rivets or where they took it out. It was just not there. Yeah, that was the same thing with my dad's van. It was weird. I delivered pizzas in that. Yeah, I would sit back there on the way to like Jones Beach. It was so weird, bro. Weird place. Weird place. Things happen. Anyway, where can they find you, Frank? F Alvarez. Go find it.

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