Shownotes Transcript
Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank. How you doing, baby? I'm doing great, how are you? Do you prefer baby over bitch? Yeah, I think anyone would. Well, some people don't like baby. Baby makes them feel a little uncomfortable. What do you mean? Some people don't like baby. Love that jacket you got going on there, by the way. Absolutely love it. Love it. Um, just the colors are great.
I love a good inside pocket because then people think you have a gun. Nothing is cooler than when I'm wearing a suit and I put money in there. Bro. Dude, it makes me feel so... Hey, welcome back, by the way, guys. Yo, at weddings, when you have the card... And you pull it out and you're just like, this is for you? Yeah, but have you ever... Giving anyone anything from my jacket pocket is the coolest feeling in the world. It is really cool, yeah. It's better than smoking cigarettes, which is cool. Not actually, but it is cool looking. Don't do it, don't do it, don't. Cool looking. Don't do it.
Yeah, but like at weddings sometimes the car I got is too wide and it doesn't fit my pocket. Yeah, I hate that. And I get so fucking mad. I hate that. Listen, as a former cigar smoker, you gave it up? You're a retired cold turkey? I think I'm done, baby. You're a cold turkey? I'm gone. Yeah, I got nothing left for my turkey. Because I got no reason to right now. I just... What was the reason before? Enjoying it.
I don't know. Maybe if the time was right. But right now I'm in a place of just like, I don't need it. I'm trying to not die. But whipping out a cigar and then whipping out a Zippo lighter out of one of those bitches and just being like, Zippo lighters. Dude, what a great... Bro, lighters? Lighters. All of them? Like there's some metal ones.
Metal lighter. Oh, yeah, like plastic Bix. Yeah, like I'm not. Listen, no offense to Bix, but why pens and lighters? Like, why is that? That's very confusing to me, to be honest. But, dude, there's like this lighter account on TikTok, and it's like this French guy, and he finds a bunch of old lighters, and he's like, this is from the Japan. You know, forgive the French accent. It's okay.
Oh, so he has all these old lighters. Does he refurbish them? Dude, and he like gets them. Is that the right word? Refurbish? Refurbish. Like you make them new again? But what is... So then if fucking something up is furbishing it? Yes. Don't. Don't? Look it up. No, but I love when people get... I mean, we've talked about this too because there's that one Irish guy who's like, oh, I've got to bring this thing back. Oh, the wood. Yeah, yeah. Oh. It's like woodworking. Sometimes he'll... I've seen him like...
make a machete look really nice and shiny again. That's fun. Have you ever seen the ones where they put the machetes in like the tub and then they shock it to get all the fucking rust off of it? No. What? You've never seen that? I do like that though because sometimes they do that with like watches or like jewelry. What is going on in this little tub? It's a little horny little tub. What is it? Is it electricity? I'm sure... So like, it's like a...
Yeah, I don't know. Or it just shakes it. It just shakes it. I don't think the shaking is the thing that's cleaning it. I think it's probably the chemicals that are in it. Oh. So I can't put my finger in there? Like if I had a dirty hand, I can't clean myself? That's a great question. I don't know. I don't think we should look it up because how would we even look that up? Would you get in a shaky tub like that? Knock the dirt off of you?
I don't, there's something in the way you said that, that seems a little like double entendre and I don't like it. What does that mean? Like to me, I know what a double entendre is, but how am I saying? No one's knocking the dirt off me. My, my dust has been knocked off. See, now I fucked it up and I said it. So now you do get dusty. We're all a little dusty.
Definitely. But, so this guy, it's like old lighters. And some of them are just like, it looks like a little clam. And then you open the clam and it's just bang. Like a fucking flame. Yeah. And it's so sick, dude. You know what's cool? Yo, I don't really, I mean, I don't know. I don't know if I love torches. I love torches. My dad, my dad. Yeah, like, no, no, no. What? My dad. What?
My dad always had, because my dad gave up smoking cigarettes to smoke the better option, which is black and mild. Right. And he would light it with a plumber's torch, which is the fucking torch with the giant propane canister underneath. Yeah. And he would light it like this. Yeah. And that thing was fucking wild. Yeah. He doesn't have eyebrows anymore because of that. That's an insane thing to be lighting that with, by the way. Yeah.
I mean, it's my father. Does anything surprise you about it? It is true. Were your parents smokers? Oh, I mean, one time, my dad like never smoked. I don't think he's ever smoked in his life. Really? I've never seen him smoke and I remember them saying... Oh my God, I can only imagine you asking him. Dad, have you ever smoked?
Yeah, he would be so offended. We have gotten it out of my mom. I've been like, Mom, you used to smoke weed. And she's like, I... And I'm like, whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You smoked weed. You fucking pothead 420. That's a three. Fuck.
But yeah, so I think my mom smoked a little bit of the grass, the devil's lettuce. Well, you definitely shouldn't say that. There's definitely better ways to say that. Devil's lettuce? Yeah, because weren't – it was – I think all those old-timey terms for weed were kind of a little insensitive toward people of color. Well, yeah, because they – it was like a popular thing to smoke by –
Black men and women. So, like, the white people were just like, you know. You know how they be. But... What? I thought the devil's lettuce was, like, because it's a drug. Also, yes. And the devil likes drugs. But, like, there's another word for them that I don't want to say because it's kind of mean. But, like, it has to do with a type of music. And then they call it the music cigarette. I've never heard that before in my life. Have you ever heard that? You're so tapped into, like... Yeah.
Yeah, man. But backtracking a little bit. Again, you know I'm not a cigarette smoker, but if you pulled out of your jacket those old-timey metal things that held cigarettes. Yeah, but they're hand-rolled. And you made them earlier. They're like, yeah, you bought the tobacco at the store.
See, I would do that. Really? I mean, it's still bad. It's still bad tobacco. Duh. That's not why I'm saying I would do it. I would do it because it's just cool. Or, honestly, hate this aesthetic, but...
There is something about a rolled up cigarette pack in your sleep. Oh, like your fucking Johnny from the fucking greasers? Yeah, exactly. When we were kids, when I would do Cub Scouts, my sister and I... What? You did Cub Scouts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did Cub Scouts. Do you have badges? Bro, how did I not know you were a Cub Scout? I was a Cub Scout. I don't think I finished. How long did you Cub? I think that means something else, but...
it was at St. Francis. It wasn't very long, but I, I remember my parents, we used to dress, they used to dress me as fucking Danny Zuko from Greece. And my dad used to put an empty pack of Marlboro Reds in my t-shirt as like a five-year-old. Wait, I thought Cub Scouts wear uniforms, but like they had like, you had to make like those cars, uh,
You never saw those where you have to woodwork a car and win a race? My dad put so many quarters in that thing. You'd strike me as a Cub Scout. No, no, no. Eagle Scout? No, that's better. Well, I think you need to go from one to the other. You can't be an Eagle Scout if you don't start as a Cub. I don't know the hierarchy. I stopped at Cub. I was done. I think I saw too much. I didn't Cub. Did you do anything like that, though? Were you a part of clubs when you were younger? I will say I did go camping with some Boy Scouts once and...
It was an experience. Were you a Boy Scout? No. Or were you an adult? I'm not an adult. Because the way you said that was like, I went camping with some Boy Scouts. I was in...
middle school and some of the kids that I went to school with were like you remember some of them yeah they were Boy Scouts and like we went for like two nights and it was just like where I don't remember where it was somewhere in New York but like it wasn't like anything intense it was one of those like you ever see those TikToks of that guy that's like in the wilderness and there's like a shack that's like four campers the guy with the
Oh, no. The guy that's just like, so we're going to be digging out. Is that the guy with the glasses? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that guy. I will kill for him. We watched one of his videos when we were in Vancouver. We did. We threw this video.
This dude gets like 28 million fucking watches a month. He's like, look at this. And then he takes a stick out and he's like, 14 foot snow. I'm like, dude, get off of that. Like it's dangerous, my guy. I love, I forget what his, I think it's like Brave Wilderness or some shit like that. Yeah, I don't know. But he's like, so today we're going to be like, I brought this homemade bread and it's just dough in a bag. And he's like, and I got this honey butter and he's just scooping chocolate.
charred bread that he made over the fire into honey butter. All about it. There's a TikTok account that I... There's a couple of them, but there's one in particular that I don't remember the name, but it's this dude who has the sharpest knife in the world. Is it the obsidian knife? What is that? Star Wars? All right, you finish. The sword from Zelda? What is that? Do you want me to go off about the sword from Zelda? I'm sorry I brought up Nintendo. Because there's the Skyward Sword. All right, go ahead. No, but this guy, he like...
goes out into nature and he'll find a piece of wood or something and Then there's like a river so he'll like grab a fuck He'll get a fish and then like he'll scale the fish Yeah and then he'll make a fire out of like a stump and something else and then he'll create a fire and then he's got like Like bread and then he's got like a piece of meat. Oh He's making What are you doing?
And he's like slicing tomatoes thin, thin tomatoes. And he's got that giant fat knife. And they're see-through. The tomatoes are so thin that you can see through them, bro. It's almost like...
It's unbelievable. And he like takes a big like rock and he wets it and cleans it in the river. And then he just like puts it on. He cooks a steak on this fucking rock. He's got the steak and then he takes like a piece of rosemary or just like a piece of leaf. And then he like dips that in olive oil and he goes like this. And I'm like, dude, this guy's not worried about diseases at all. And he throws an onion in the air and he catches it on his knife.
God, whatever this big knife guy is, I love your knife and I love your skills. I love your knife and skills as well. Those are the best, dude. When he throws the onion and then catches it and then he turns it over. And then he starts going shung, shung, shung, shung, shung. I'm like fucking, oh my God, dude. Oh, it's so good. You know why I like it? Because I know I could never do it. Dude. And then when he slices like rosemary, like extra.
Well, rosemary. Rosemary is like a leaf. Well, I know. He like scrapes it off. That's not what I'm talking about. Oh, but he has like parsley and he like shaves it. And he's like, oh, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like. Oh my God, bro. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Or like he has like a mortar and pestle and he puts like peppercorns in it and he's like, quank. Dude. Sharp.
And then he, yeah, yo, bro. Oh, my God. When people go the extra mile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, yo, there's salt and pepper. It's everywhere. But you're like, I'm going to make it. I could see you in a couple years after all this is said and done. Joey's going to be one of those. He's going to be it. And I'm proud of you.
I know, but like the prospect of you doing it, I'm proud of you. Yeah. I would love for like a Patreon video. Do you know the Canadian one? Go ahead. Do you know the Canadian guy? Which Canadian guy? There's a Canadian guy that does this, but he's, hello, buddy.
you've never seen that have you ever seen bro there don't skip over this you skipped over me the skipping continued on your side i was afraid that you were going to go off of these tick tocks he it's like a little cabin and he's got a big he's got he's got like stash and he goes hello buddy and then he makes a thing like a tea that he makes and a little meal and then he sits down at the end of it he's in this cabin with a tiny tv he's playing like duck hunter bro
You mean Duck Hunt. I do mean Duck Hunt. You mean Duck Hunt. Awesome. Yeah. Unbelievable. So the guy I was going to bring up before, I forgot who he is. As if his name would matter here. I don't know. He makes ancient tools and he's like,
What's so funny? We're so deep in. This is so niche now. He's like... There's a guy who makes ancient tools. He has, like, a piece of, like, cow hide on his leg, and he holds, like, a piece of obsidian, and he takes a rock, and he, like... What's obsidian? Obsidian is, um, like, super-cooled lava that becomes glass. Oh. And, like, a lot of, like, ancient, um...
I was gonna say companies. No. Ancient cultures and civilizations would make tools out of this shit because when it breaks so thin and it's like 30 times sharper than a scalpel and you don't need to sharpen it because the more it breaks, it just breaks thinner and thinner. So like old swords. Look up old obsidian swords. Look that up right now. Old obsidian swords. Do they sell this? Let's get a sword. Let's get a sword.
here? Yeah. Old obsidian swords. Look at this. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, they put them on like paddles and stuff. And they were like the ancient, oh man, I feel bad that I won't be able to understand like correctly. It's Aztec. Aztec. Okay. And they would like shing, shing, but then they'd catch them and they'd rip it.
And it would just fuck their shit up. Damn, dude. I'm not on ancient tool-making tech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he, like, holds it. Whoa, are those obsidian fucking butt plugs? I was trying to look for prices, but yeah, then these butt plugs. But, like, if he, like, takes it and he's like, bang! And he hits it with a rock and it, like, pokes. It, like, cuts off.
Yeah. It cuts off. It cuts off. Dude, TikTok's got some great stuff. TikTok, TikTok. You know? Honestly, I'm kind of sick of people like us just talking. Like, let's see some skills. You know what I'm saying? Well, I think what we do is very skilled. In a different way. It ain't making obsidian swords. I mean, you wouldn't see them going and selling out Radio City. What are they going to do? I would buy a ticket to that. If there was a... Hold on. If I could go...
To a show where they just do that? Where a guy's gonna... Oh, you know you go to like a Peyton sip and you're like, ha ha. Like if someone's like, yo, we're gonna make ancient fucking swords in here. And we're gonna drink some wine. That's probably a little too dangerous. Alright, shut up. What if it's... You know how they would do like the old timey, like people watching surgeries in like the theater in the round? I think they still do that. Yeah. I mean, weird now that we do that. Like we could... It's for students. I know, but still stupid. Like...
I think the students should learn how to do surgery before they do surgery. Yeah, they could be in the room. They don't need to be watching it like a fucking vulture. How are you going to get out? You're not in his way. Can I sit with you and watch? Yeah. Done. You don't need to fucking have it in a pod where people watch you like it's a lion's den. I think that's actually what they call it. Or maybe that was a wrestling match that included Ken Shamrock. Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman. Those are wrestlers. They were. But, yeah, I don't know either. I have no idea where we were. Now you've offended me. The thing...
You've offended me. But if they did that, but like in there, they're not doing surgery. They're just like shaping wood into a canoe. Yeah. Just like woodworking. There's that guy. Remember that guy who went viral years ago on Twitch? He's a, I think he's from New Zealand or from Australia. And he's just a, just a big happy dude. And he's just like,
all right, we're going to make a paddle today. And someone gifted him a sub, and he's like, oh, I want to send you the money back. You don't need to do that. I just like doing this. And now he's huge, dude. Yeah. Very underrated impression that he did. I feel like I've— It was good? It was very good. It's funny because— His name was like Brocks or something like that. That's a sick name. So cool. But that's also the impression he does for David Beckham.
But now David Beckham is here. Now do the guy. Alright. Maybe it's a little close. You know what? They are pretty similar. But what if, bro, if I saw David Beckham and I heard him talk like that, I know I could beat him up. If I saw this guy, I know I can't. You think realistically you could beat up David Beckham? Absolutely not. I've seen him. I mean, maybe. You've seen him sitting down, Joey. He was standing at one point. But he's not that tall. He's what? He's like your height, like 5'1". You bastard.
Six foot. Height and weight. I mean, he's definitely 150. I'll dog him when it comes to that. So he's six feet. What the? 75 kilos is, yeah, 75 kilos. That's like 170. Are you sure about that? I have no idea how to do the conversion, to be honest with you. 75 kilos to pounds.
163. Oh, see that? Confidence paid off. Now I look smarter to everyone that thought I knew it. I feel like you just, like, I'm trying to picture his body and how much he would weigh. Yeah. Crazy. But six feet, you're done. You're toast. This guy's got a good 10 inches on you. All right. I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah, no. I guess shout out to David Beckham and his wife, Victoria. Why am I doing that? You ever see that clip of where she's just like,
Talking about like my dad we had it so hard and and he's like in the back David Beckham in the background He's like what school did your dad drop you? What car did your dad drive you schooling? Yeah, she's like it doesn't matter David. He's like what what car and she's like David it doesn't matter he's like it was a bloody rose Royce or something something I'm a big fan of bloody by the way when people from like England say oh it's bloody crazy and
Or like whatever. And I'm on cheeky too now. Cheeky? I really... Like, I would... I love the idea of cunt. But like, we can't do it here. We can... Cheeky. Cheeky's cool. Cheeky's cool because it's playfully naughty. You know what I mean? But if you say cheeky cunt, you could probably get away with that. Cheeky blime. What comes next? Cunt? So we're gonna do... I actually planned on this. We're gonna do an episode of like Europe slang before we go over there. So we'll be well...
I was going to say endowed for some reason. We won't be that. We'll be well-versed before we go over there. But speaking of well-versed, there's actually something that I saw that I wanted to bring up. I don't know if you saw this. This is not going to have anything to do with well-versed, huh? No. Or well-endowed. Or maybe. Speaking of well-versed, here's something that has nothing to do with that. No, no, no. Well-endowed might be the thing. Okay.
I'm not going to show you. Which means big dick. Yeah. By the way, I'm not showing you a picture of a dick. That'd be great. Okay, I'm not. I promise. But... This sounds like you are now. No, I'm not. But it's been going around on the internet. So there's a woman who... Look at me, Joey. There's a woman who...
Was going through her dead grandmother's like belongings after could grandmother's be dying I mean we know that they do be dying and found this card in her dresser and Show the first one first the first no no yeah, so that one So this is a car that was in her dresser presumably from the 50s or 60s for dr. Dan expert plane and fancy fucking evenings by appointment only this is awesome
Grandma was getting it, dude. So, I mean, we can just go- Cut rate to a party of six or more? Satisfaction with one hard-on. This dude was giving out six-man discounts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, first of all, way to go, Dr. Dan. All the way, also spelling doctor wrong. Is that-
Is it doctor or doctor? Is that spelled right? That's wrong. Doctor. It is doctor. Yeah, yeah. So this guy didn't want to get in trouble. I don't think this man is a doctor. I don't think he's a fucking doctor either, dude. What are the lines of being a doctor, though? I think that's something that we definitely have to ask. Schooling. Schooling. Schooling. Really? Yep. Because you could be a doctor of thugonomics. Look at John Cena. You could be... Maybe to you. But...
This guy knew... Extra attention given to neglected married women. Also, bottom right corner, widow's a specialty. How... He specializes in widows? There's one part of this that you are vastly overlooking. Virgins treated gently. Spinster satisfied. What the hell is a spinster? What is that? What is a spinster? Spinster...
Spinster. What is that? It sounds like Chucky Finster, which I think doesn't mean anything compared to this. Who is that? Chucky Finster? I don't even know why I asked. Chucky Finster. Tommy Pickles. Oh, that's his last name? Chucky? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. By appointment only is great. You can't just walk in here with a party of six. So this was clearly... So grandma was...
She was getting, she was, you know. She needed Dr. Dan. I'm assuming, you know, Grandpa died, she became a widow, and that's especially. What do you call this, a gigolo? Is that what that technically is? I think so, yeah. Or a male prostitute? Yeah, could be. I gotta say. I mean, this is a doctor. I gotta say. Gigolo? Cool word. It's a fun word. It reminds me of Jell-O. It does. It reminds me of... Say it, R. Kelly. God damn it, I wasn't going to.
That is a... I'm a gigolo, always on the go. Imagine making a song about like... It was a gigolo spending lots of dough. Oh. Do you remember who sang... I thought he was always on the go. Do you remember who sang that song? He did the hook. R. Kelly. He did the hook. Do you remember whose song that actually was? No. The signs were there, man. Stop. P. Diddy? No, the signs were there. It was Nick Cannon. Was it a Nick Cannon song? Yeah. You don't need to pull up the... Absolutely do not pull it up. I mean, the song kind of hits. I think it was on like Now That's What I Call Music, like seven or eight.
And I remember- Why do you know that? Because we had those. My mom would get us those albums. You had all the Now, That's, Whatever? Not all of them, but we had a few. Did you have any kids bop? No, thank God. Thank God. You had kids bop? I did. You would. You would. Kids bop. You bopped. Your parents probably loved that you were a kid bopping.
I guess. I don't even know how to understand that. Do you remember any of the good kids bop? Like, did you like legit listen to it? Or did you know immediately like this is. I just remember some of them were pretty good. Like what? I don't remember. I couldn't tell you. It's kind of a bananas move.
To be like, yo, let's take popular songs, make kids sing them, and then sell CDs and give them probably nothing. Oh, yeah. Did I tell you that there was a company who reached out to invite me to Kidz Bop? Yeah, they tour. They tour, and they were just like, bring the family, which is cool. By the way. Very gracious, but then they were like, meet the stars of Kidz Bop. Right. And I was like... Like, I'm not going to meet Tommy, bro. What am I going to do? What song do you like, you know? Yeah. I was going to ask, tour...
Like, that's how you say it? Tour. Do you say tour? Or do you say tour? Going on tour. Tour, yeah. Tour. See, like, yeah, people say tour. I think it's just a regional difference, you know what I mean? I don't think there's much. Someone from New York one time was like, tour. I was like, oh, what the fuck? Too weird? Yeah. I also pronounce a lot of words wrong, but, you know. Well, we're New Yorkers. We do, you know, coffee, chocolate. Everyone gets on me for Axe.
Well, that's because you're just saying it wrong, but I understand. Yeah, I don't have time. So, just based off of what you're seeing here, if you knew someone that needed a little fancy fucking... Right. If there was neglected married women, then who better to call than a doctor? I mean, here's the thing. Nothing here that says it's only for women. Extra attention given to neglected married women. That's fair. That's fair. Nothing that says...
Right. He's not. Dr. Dan isn't given the Dr. Dick to dad. And the virgins are treated gently, which is what you want to hear. Exactly. You know, you want them to be treated with respect. We don't want anyone treated not gently unless they don't want to be treated gently. So that case, I really hope there's nothing about this that has come out that has been like bad or dark because then then we sound bad. But what did we say? I'm just saying. I know. I know. I know. I'm just saying. All right. So now, Joey.
There is another portion of this, which is the back of the card. Wait, hold on real quick. I just want to point this out. There's a photo right underneath this. So it's so funny that there's like a family photo or her and her husband. And then right under that, Dr. Dan with the dick out. Because your grandmothers are all gone. Right. If you had gone. You made it sound like I have 20 of them. Both your grandparents are gone. Yeah. Both sets of grandparents are gone. Yeah. You're clean slate. Cleaned out. Cleaned out. Yeah, we're empty. Gotcha. Gotcha.
If you found this in your grandmother's drawer, would you be hype or would you be like grandma? Frank. Oh, if she's alive? Mm-hmm. Well, no, no, no. Oh, if she died. Current situation. If my grandmother died and we went to her house and I found this, I'm putting it in a frame and I'm hanging it. Really? You're that pumped? 100%. Yeah, I would... This is honestly like finding the Declaration of Independence. There's also something sad about this because at the time women were...
Not that they're treated great now, but like... Do we know what time this was? It's... So, we're gonna get into that. So, I think... I tried finding the original post and I couldn't find it. I think it's around the 60s. Okay. So, there's another part of this, before Ant pulls it up, that includes...
What is offered by Dr. Dan? What his services. The services, okay. The services. So in addition to what the services are going to pull up, we went the extra mile here at the basement yard. We take research very seriously when it is stupid. And we did a conversion of what the cost would be
Oh, with inflation? With inflation. Adjusted for inflation. I love that. So... Perfect. So, why don't we pull up the next... Why don't we get to the ads and then we'll get to this? All right, yeah. Ads and then we'll talk about Dr. Dan giving that...
Go to the end. Yeah, thank God. First off here, we got Omaha Steaks. Omaha Steaks, they make amazing steaks, okay? Legendary steaks. They sent a box of them to me and Frank, and we are very excited about that. They're in my freezer freezing right now. They have been America's original butcher since 1917, okay? Way before Dr. Dan. They deliver the world's best steak experience and bring people together with more than 100 years of family-owned expertise, right?
But yeah, now during their semi-annual sale, you can get 50% off site-wide at Omaha Steaks. Plus, our listeners will get an extra $30 off with the promo code BASEMANYARD at checkout. Okay, you're saving tons of money here. And these are great steaks, and they have a bunch of different cuts. So if you're having a party or anything like that, or you're just a steak lover, you can get them at Omaha Steaks. So grass-fed, grain-fed.
Finished beef has more marbling for exceptional flavor and is a choice of steakhouses and professional chefs around the world, so you're getting that kind of quality steak. All right? So don't miss the semi-annual sale at Omaha Steaks. Visit omahasteaks.com for 50% off side-wide and for an extra $30 off, use the promo code BASEMYARD at checkout. Okay? So...
Saving a ton of money there. 50% off omahasteaks.com. Get that extra $30 off with the promo code BASEMANYARD. Go get yourself some steaks, all right? And we also have Caraway, okay? Good looking, clean cooking. There's a lot of pots and pans out there, and we've learned over the years that
cooking with them enough, you can kick up some dirt and there's some toxins that are in the things that they are using to protect the pots or whatever. And it's not good because it gets into your body. But with caraway, um, we got, we got rid of that. Okay. Um,
You know, like microplastics and stuff like that. The amount of plastic in brain samples has increased 50% since 2016. I'm going to think about that for the rest of the afternoon and scare myself. A single scratch on Teflon cookware can release over 9,000 microplastic particles. Also going to think about that. But Caraway Kitchen Mirror is crafted with sustainable, non-toxic materials. Um...
premium stainless steel natural slick ceramic and more to help you create a safer healthier home okay so if you do a lot of cooking just better to have a pot that you know is not going to kick up any micro plastics into your body so it's nice I have it and they're also beautiful okay not for nothing there's got some very pretty colors and it's nice aesthetically it's not like this you know whack looking thing but
Anyway, there's no better time to make healthy swap to Caraway, our favorite cookware set. Save you $150 versus buying the items individually. If you visit carawayhome.com slash basement, you can take an additional 10% off of your next purchase, okay? This deal is exclusive for our listeners, so visit carawayhome.com slash basement or use the code basement at checkout. Caraway non-toxic cookware made modern. Enjoy that.
Yeah, and you know what? If you're cooking something up in the kitchen, you know, why don't you throw on more of us? More of The Basement Yard, which you can get at patreon.com slash thebasementyard. Thank you so much to everyone that continues to support us, especially the people that support us over on Patreon, which is...
kind of realistically the most direct and easiest way to support us. Go to patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Sign up today for that first tier, and you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. And then that second tier, well, you'll get exclusive episodes every single Friday at 7 a.m. Like clockwork, baby. Our biological clock is ticking right along for you. Okay? So, yeah. Thank you, Ant. So go over to TheBasementYard.com slash...
Nope. Patreon.com slash the basement yard to check that out. We thank you guys so much for continuing to support us and we appreciate it. And if you can't do it, it's okay. I completely understand, but please do it. Joe holds a gun to my head when you're not here and the cameras aren't on. Also, if you're coming to any of the Europe shows, we're doing shows in Scotland, uh, London, uh,
Dublin, if you're coming to any of those shows, make sure you check out thebasementyard.com slash submit. A part of the Basement Yard Experience shows that we've incorporated into each of the shows is that we like to talk to you guys, with you guys, about you guys, and we ask you to fill out a little questionnaire, include some funny stories, something scandalous. We've had several people tell us about their significant other cheating on them with their parents. It's crazy. So go check it out at thebasementyard.com slash submit.
Tell us what show you're coming to. Fill out the questionnaire, and then you never know. Maybe we'll talk to you about you. We're not sure. So thank you again. We appreciate it, and we'll see you in Europe. I love the to you, about you, from you, to you. Well, I'm very good at this. The name of the father and the son. So, okay. So here is the price list that Dr. Dan was so kind to provide us with. So we're going to go from the top down, baby. Top down price list.
Starting off clear-cut, okay? Plain insertion. Plain. No pepperoni. No pepperoni. No sausage. Well, no. Maybe sausage. There's sausage. Just sausage. Well, there's, well... $20! $20! Now, with caresses... $27! $27. Yo, $7 for caresses? What are we talking about, by the way? I mean...
Well, caresses, we've figured out, is back of the hand. Yeah. Back of the hand. So like this, because a caress adds a level of intimacy. I don't know that I've ever caressed. So what Dr. Dan is clearly doing here, obviously, is establishing as a businessman that he is no nonsense. Right. 20 bucks. 20 bucks for just the base insertion.
Is there tax? You know, that's a great question. I imagine that Dr. Dan does not report any of his income from this. I don't think so. I don't think he has an LLC. So $20 for a flat insertion with caress 27. And just for shits and giggles, can you let us know in 1960 what 20 or $27 would be in 2025 inflation?
Insertion with caresses, $27, would be $289. So base pay. $290, basically. Also... To get caressed and frarged. Now, you're a businessman. Yeah. A lot of people respect you, myself included, as a businessman. Do you think he's missing out here in any way? Because he's clearly establishing flat rate for plain insertion. Do you think he should charge per percentage of insertion?
What does that mean? Just the tip. Tip in part, 40%, 50%. Does anyone really do just the tip? I don't know, but. I don't think that's a thing. I mean, listen, there are people out there that dress up like Spongebob and scream at each other during sex. I'm sure people do that. Yeah, but they don't go just the tip. They put the whole fucking grabby patty in there.
You know? Listen, if Nickelodeon didn't have bigger fish to fry, they would have come here and shut that down. Probably, yeah. But, I mean, potentially, as a businessman... $289. For just a plane in search. It's a plane. Now... It's not a bad starting point. Now... Okay. The next line makes me think that this is just flat out...
Missionary. Inverted positions. What is an inverted position? I would imagine anything other than... So... Inverted sounds inside out. Doctor... You know what I'm saying? You're kind of not wrong. Like a 69 is inverted? I think inverted is just like in this sense that Dr. Dan is defining it different. So if I was a businessman here, which I'm not. Okay. I would say, well, Dr. Dan, you need to explain what...
your base position is define that because there's the legal there's there's certain legal things here that is not lining up inverted positions so is this I guess I assume this is on top of what yeah because the next line says dog fashion right and that's 2250 as well with included barking yelping barking and yelping yelping is funny
Well, that's what I picture a Yelp being. With barking and yelping is $25. Just doggy style, $22.50. Not bad. Barking and yelping being $2.50 seems fair to me.
I mean- Put in $2.50, what would that be? So an extra $2.50- $2.50, $26- Whoa, that's way too much! For barking! $2.50 in 19- what was this, 1960 we're doing? We're saying 1960, yeah. So 1960 would be $26 now? I'm not throwing that in. I'm not barking and yelping. For $26, barking and yel- well, I imagine, so he's doing the barking and yelping.
Womb stretch? 39.25? You're jumping ahead here, Joey. Jumping ahead? What's a womb stretch? Is this that? You go like this? I mean, bro, what's 39.25? Put that in. That's got to be 300 bucks. What is it? 25? Here we go. 420?
To get your womb stretched? Honestly, if your- What is a womb stretch? That sounds like it's medicinal. Maybe Dr. Dan does have some knowledge. That sounds like a birth. Maybe he's like a part-time obstetrician. Is that a doctor name? That's what the OB in OBGYN stands for, brother. Fire. Yeah, you know that.
Barking and yelping right now sounds so not worth it when you consider you if you just level up a little bit you can get I mean listen if you're into if you already got $27 for caressing yeah you might as well bro you might as well you might as well throw barking in there if you're into stretch oh that's you caressing that's caressing yeah oh okay I got you the caress and the bark I'm understanding can you give me your best bark
No, no, no. What kind of dog? Um, well, so he specifies barking and yelping, so I imagine barking is a larger dog. You're like, "Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub." And then yelping's like, "Ack!" So he's doing both. There's two dogs. Now I understand why it's 250. *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *Yelping* *
Holy shit, that was incredible. That was really good. I can see why the yelping. There's people that work right behind that wall, by the way, that are confused. The womb stretch, though. $420. What is a womb stretch? I think that's like you want to stretch it. But that sounds more, like I said, medicinal. Maybe that's because that'll stretch it.
That will stretch it. Joey, you can't. Of course it will. Everyone knows that. All right, we got to move on from the womb stretch. Wait. $50 for tongue bath. A tongue bath? 50 bucks? I mean, I'd rather be stretched in my womb. Joey, at the time, there were not... What is a tongue bath, by the way? I imagine that's cunnilingus. Well, no, because the next is muff dive. That's... What is the difference between... All right. Oh, muff dive is if you have hair.
So, I mean, so then by appointment, you need to hope that this guy is a beard. Because muff dive might not be always available. Muff. I think it's pubes. Maybe, yeah. Maybe he charges like if you are. If you got a lot of pubes. If you have a lot. I need 50 extra dollars. Because a regular tongue bath is 50 bucks. A muff dive is 100. This guy seems misogynistic to me. Why?
Why can't women have a $500? $536. Hey, man. Well, at the time, women would be like, I'm not feeling great because I've been home all week with the kids. And he's like, you're crazy. I'm going to get you a lobotomy. So clearly men had no sense of being a gentleman back then. Have a cigarette about it. Yeah, exactly. You're pregnant? Here, just smoke this. You'll feel great.
$100. Put that in. How much is $100 with a... I mean, we could do the simple math. It's $1,000. Yeah. $50 was $7. Yeah. Bro, a muff dive for $1,000? Dr. Dan may be a little out of the price range of a normal purse. Well, I mean... That's a lot. Clearly, this gentleman was...
I mean, have we seen other or heard of any other... Doctors? By the way, also, giving out cards. This was like the card, the sesame drinks card that we knew when we were... Maybe that's what Dr. Dan evolved into. He stopped pleasuring lonely widows and he started selling alcoholic drinks. Yeah, this is also kind of crazy right now because there is a womb stretch on this thing, but on the front of the card, it says being gentle with virgins. I don't know how gently you can...
Can you do me a favor? Urban Dictionary, tongue back. Just so we're on the same page. Yeah.
What do you think it is? Like, what do you think? I just think it's eating out, cunnilingus. Oh, maybe a tongue bath is just like soaking but tongue. You know what I'm saying? Like just taking a bath, just chilling out. Tongue bath, the art of licking the entire body of your partner. A literal lick, you're a dog. Oh. So it's literally he's licking her whole body. He's doubling down on the barking and yelping. And now he's like, I'm just, we're a dog as it is.
Now I understand why it's 50 bucks. That's a big job to lick a whole body. Oh my God. And that could be a disgusting job. Have you ever licked your hand or arm? That could be gross. I've watched you lick your hand a lot. Yeah. My hands are a little dry right now. I haven't moisturized today. Yeah, you lick them like a cat. But basically that's what he's doing. So then just do me a favor. Confirm what a muff dive is on Urban Dictionary. Just so we're all on the same page. We know what we're paying for. Honestly, $50 for a tongue bath.
Might be low balling it. I don't know. It's what it sounds like. Performing all sex on the family. Exactly. So we figured that. Okay. All right. So time limits per hour. $37.50 on top of all this? So, yeah. So if you're doing an hour of plain insertion, that's running you $57.50.
I can't. You're getting into, I imagine a tongue bath comes with a minimum amount of time. You know, like union rules. It's like if you have them come in for even 20 minutes, they need a minimum of four hours of pay. And like they're going to take a break in the middle of that. Yes, they need their union mandated breaks depending on the amount of time before they go into compliance. We don't want to get into HR issues here, which is clearly Dr. Dan is worried about. OSHA certified. Also, all night being 12 hours. Bro, whose night is 12 hours? That's bananas.
The world's night is 12 hours, brother. Nah, night is not 12 hours. Standard night is 12 hours. No, it's not. We have evening. I think at the time, Joey... It was only day and night? This is bullshit. I mean, that sounds about right. All night, 12 hours, 150 flat rate. Hold...
All right. So Joey is clearly skipping ahead here into the bottom portion of this. We have the sides. We have the. We've gotten to the entree. The shareables. The shareables. So extra attention. The first one there for $1.15, you could do titty chewing. Which, what is that?
I don't know. We know what it is. I don't know what that- You want me to chew on those tits? I mean, a titty chewing sounds like there's more teeth involved than normal. Yeah, I mean, I think that like, yeah, what is this? Dude, you know that like John D. Rockefeller's neglected wife is just like, "I'm- give me the everything on the menu." Chew on my tits. Two of everything! Yeah.
Titty chewing? Chew on my tits like a cat. For $1.15, some people, you know, there have been claims that people get off just from titty play. Yeah, there are. No, there's no claims. There's a small percentage of women who can orgasm just through titty play.
I don't know that from experience. Relax. I just never, he's never from any experience. Yeah. I'm a, I'm a virgin who needs gentle Dr. Dan. Uh, but titty chewing a dollar 50 French kissing. I love that. He specified mouth $2, 75 cents steel. And then underneath in, it says pussy C muff.
And see muff dive. See muff dive? See muff. And the I is upside down. Yeah, I don't know. I think the French kissing is for the mouth this price, but if they want it somewhere else, they need to refer to muff dive. Got it. Oh! Genius. Genius. Aunt. Clearly. Aunt. Yeah, good for you, buddy. You got any grandparents named Dan? Yeah.
A French tickler. Taking over the family business. There's a French tickler involved? 325? French tickler. What is that? We're back to Urban Dictionary. We gotta find out what that is. French tickler. I imagine... I imagine it's something like... Yeah, but on a butt. I think it's something with a butt. A French tickling eating a butt. French tickler? A sexual device in the form of a condom containing a massaging accessory at the tip. That's 1960. Wow. This guy, what was it? The Nikola Tesla of sex? Yeah. Yeah.
Used for... A massaging accessory at the tip. Why is it specified used by those who play guitar and suck toes to do both incredibly? What does the play guitar have to do?
I couldn't tell you. All right. All right. Okay. Then we have a finger diddle, which we know what that is, obviously. We figured out what the finger diddle is. And then we have Vaseline if needed. And then Vaseline if needed. Flat rate, $125. That makes sense. I mean, of course, there are some people that require that. $125, a $13 upcharge. Bottle of Vaseline, yeah. Well, no. I mean, a bottle, dude. Yeah. Whoa. And this is when it was made from, like, legit, like,
petroleum like you were basically getting like gasoline rubbed on your shit yeah this is crazy is there a number on the front
No, I checked for that. Okay, god damn. See, here's the thing too. They have this, but it's kind of mysterious because you have no way of getting in contact. Is it? I imagine there's gotta be. You just gotta run into the doctor again. Did they have phones in the 60s? Yeah, dude. What do you mean, did they have phones? Have you never seen anything from that time? This phone's probably from the 60s. That's more like the 70s. I know my phones. Oh, fuck.
I know my phones. I would say that's probably from the 70s. Could you imagine just being like, pick that up and calling Dr. Dan on a rotary phone? Imagine the other one where it's like you have two pieces and you're like, hello, Dr. Dan? Come chew on my tits. Titty chewing is bananas. Titty chewing is pretty. Yeah, that's cool, though. I like that. I hope wherever Dr. Dan is, I imagine he's dead just like the rest of everyone at that time. Yeah, he probably is.
You don't make it out after this. Crazy. He's not living a long life. Bro, if I, like, seriously, if I had grandparents that, like, loved each other, I saw this, I'm like, what the fuck? This would ruin my, because you know how, like, this would ruin your life. You'd be so upset by this for some reason. Well, no, if it was just, like, farting. If it was, like, an old-timey gramophone recording of my grandmother farting, I'd be pissed. It's a giant gramophone, and he's, like, plays it. Rawr.
Grandma. I told you, when my grandmother died, we found, like, saucy letters that her and my grandfather sent back and forth to each other. Oh, like, oh, I can't wait to see your ankles. Yeah, basically. Yeah, because my grandfather was in the Korean War, and they, like, wrote messages back and forth, like postcards. Damn. And it was just, like, one of them was just, like, I can't wait to hold you in my bosom. And, like, that was... That's fire.
That's basically titty chewing. That was sexting at the time. I've never found anything of my dead grandparents, anything horny, honestly. I mean, you know, sex is a part of life. So, like, you do have to imagine that, like, your grandparents were doing it crazy, you know? My grandpa on my mom's side was dead before I was born.
That's right, yeah. So I don't know how much sex she was having. Yeah, I mean, I think there was also a type of woman that was just like, I've lost my life partner and I'm just going to be celibate for the rest of my life. She was very Irish and like traditional, like... Irish Catholic. Yeah, Irish Catholic. She was like, God's watching and now my husband's watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The vents didn't get cleaned out. Yeah, well, I don't think that we should say it like that.
I mean, my grandparents too. Although, I will say one of my grandparents... Actually, both of my grandfathers were kind of dogs. In what way? Not like in the DAWG way. They both had affairs and left their wives. Oh, okay. And then went and had children with the other woman. Right. So they were really interested in sex. Yeah. And then one of them... I'm not going to say who. I'll narrow it down to two. Two.
we're not I can't even follow your family yeah yeah yeah it'll be honestly me neither because they mix because some of the branches go into the other branches that's why you hear this shit you hear this shit oh you're confused his uncle like no no no no married his cousin there are two cousins that are distant cousins like third cousins that distant meaning they live 10 miles from each other go ahead no they they they are now married um
That'll do something to the root of the tree. Yeah, and they have a kid whose eyes are in his mouth. Yeah. No, no, no, I'm kidding. I don't even know if they were able to have kids. God bless. I think that's a good place to start some ads, I think. Oh, I was going to tell you about my... Who's your uncle? No, it's not. One of my grandfathers had an affair, and then like...
Would like was with the new woman and would fly the other woman like his original wife The OG to come spend weekends with him in the house. Yeah with his new wife. Yeah crazy stuff baller baller crazy that you're just Appropriating like the way that like fucking people did that. I mean you told that story with a smile on your face I feel like I'm the only one who should get credit for this. Look at this. Look at this smile. There's no smile. Sorry watching You're happy you're happy any of your grandparents cheat on each other. I
Probably. Probably? Maybe. They were all, let me guess, they were all happy until the end. I got a pair. You still got a pair left? Wait, both of them or like one and one? No. Hold on, read the ads. I'm going to ask you about your fucking old ass grandparents. One of them. One pair is dead. Okay. All right, cool.
Why are we laughing at that? Yeah, crazy. Anyway, we do have some more sponsors here. We have FitBod. FitBod is going to create a personalized workout routine based on your goals, fitness level, and available equipment. So if you don't have access to a gym membership or anything like that, or there's like the gym's too far away, or I just don't like going to gyms, you can do so with just the equipment that you have in your apartment or your house. Even if you don't have equipment, you can also create a personalized workout routine for yourself through FitBod.
Workouts adapt to your growth. So each workout is challenging enough to push you to make progress. So it tracks your muscle recovery and things like that. You can't just go online and find a workout routine that's going to work for you. You have to make sure you're building off of your last thing. And also it's, you know, for your goals. If you want to lose body fat or you want to put on some mass or whatever the case is,
uh... it's very you know those things are very different so not only that but it's very educational as well as a for a thousand demonstration videos so if you don't know anything about fitness you're just starting on your fitness journey you can learn a lot with this as well because i said thousand demonstration video so
Level up your workout. Join FitBot today to get your personalized workout plan. Get 25% off your subscription or try the app free for seven days at fitbot.me slash basement. That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash basement. All right. And lastly here, we have...
PrizePix. PrizePix is a lot of fun. It's the best way to get action on sports in more than 30 states, including California, Texas, and Georgia. The app is really easy to use. You create a lineup. All you have to do is pick more or less on a few player stats for your shot to win up to 1,000 times your money. It's nice because you're not competing against pros or anything like that. You're just competing against these projections. So you can build these lineups, and all you have to pick is more or less.
That's all, and you can win up to 1,000 times your money. PricePix, you can mix and match players' projections from different sports. Combine your favorite basketball players with players from baseball, hockey, esports, and much more. They have a bunch of different sports to choose from. It's not just the main ones, so go check it out. It offers Venmo, Apple Pay, MasterCard, and more for quick and easy deposits into your account this sports season.
Yeah, download the app today and use the code BASEMENT to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Okay, so all you have to do is download that app, use the code BASEMENT to get $50 instantly after you play just a $5 lineup. So enjoy, have fun, and, you know, be responsible. All right, folks. What was that?
There's a lot of construction going on. There is a lot of bangs, and none of them are from Dr. Dan. I'm sure there's tons from Dr. Dan. So you got a pair left? We got a pair. Good for you, man. Are they like, how old? Are they in their 70s or 80s? 70s. Wow, so they're young. What? Mid, late 70s. Okay. I mean, still kind of relatively, I guess not. Everyone back then, they were having kids. They were like, you're 20 now. Time to have a child. Yeah. Crazy. You like them? Yeah.
What do you call them? Something white like... Oh my God, do you have those names? Pim Pum and Game Goof. It's my Italian side, so it's Nono and Nonna. Oh, okay. That's not too bad. Yeah, I like that. Did you Abuela? Abuelita, Abuelito, yeah. And then Yaya and Papu. His accent is so fake. No, that's what we say, Yaya. Yaya and Papu. I mean, Yaya, you were there, Yaya. Yeah, I know Yaya. You can't not say that, but Papu. I never met Papu. Yeah, he was... Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to see him. When did he croak?
The same year as my grandmother. As his ex-wife. Damn, so... He came to the wake and he was just like... He showed up. He came to the wake and then died that year? Yeah. Damn, bro. All people die because of broken hearts. It's kind of sweet. I mean, no. I don't think he had a broken heart. I think he was like super cool. He was super cool with it? I mean, he showed up, bro. He probably broke his fucking heart. That was honestly...
Bro, if I showed you a picture of this man, you'd say get the fuck out of here. Why? Because there is the Greekest looking man on the planet. The Greekest looking man. I'll show you. I'm not going to go look. I'm picturing cigarettes. Hell yeah. And gold chains. Hmm, I don't remember gold chains. Hairy chests. Hell yeah. The mustache, dude?
You couldn't believe it. I really want to show you right now. Wife feet are sitting down outside of a cafe. This guy, he had several restaurants. He was like a cook. Wow. And that's, you know, the guy was fucking something. But yeah, he came to my grandmother's. And he would always, he'd scare me when we were kids. He'd pop his teeth out. He had dentures. He'd look at me and he'd go, and he'd fucking drop his teeth out of his mouth and scare the shit out of me. He's a good guy. Damn, that's crazy. Yeah, he's a good guy.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about this thing. Apparently there was a... Wait, before I even get to that, which maybe probably at this point we will never get to, but I wanted to ask you this question that I thought of yesterday, and I was like, would you drink a full... Let me just pull it over here. Would you drink a full 16-ounce cup? A pint. A draft beer. A pint. Of a random person's piss, right? Yeah.
If it meant you could be granted one wish, it can't be money and you can't throw out.
You can't throw up or else it doesn't count. You think you can do that? I start gagging right now and you'll throw up. I'll be alright. Get the fuck out of here. 16 ounce glass of a random person's piss. You have to get the whole thing down. You can't throw up. Is there a time limit? On what? How long it takes me to drink this piss. No, but why would you want to stretch it out? I mean, if I only take a little bit and I stretch it out to, you know, like two, three days. Oh, no way. I think you just chug it as fast as possible. Chug piss? Yeah. Yeah.
If anything, you get one wish and it can't be money. So then what could the wish be? There's other things in the world besides money, you pig. Crazy with the pig. What do you wish? What would you wish for? I have some questions. Go. Is the piss diseased?
So that's the thing. It's a random person's piss. If it is disease. Is it disease? If it's disease. Is it dirty piss? Here's the thing. If it's yellow, it ain't some clear, you know, guy. Okay, so I can't even, I'll know it's piss. It's piss. There's no doubt about it. It is so piss. Is pee carbonated? Shouldn't be. No. I've seen some bubbles in my pee. Okay.
He's going to the computer. P is not carbonated. Are we okay, guys? Do we even know what that means? It's in there. It can't be. Because urine carbonate always seems so bubbly. I think it's just like if you smash water together. Well, that's Quora. We don't know how accurate Quora is. Let's go to that one. Northwestern medicine. This is foamy urine. Oh, my God. If we're going to find out. We're going to find out. I'm sick. Let's not click it. Let's not click it. Let's not. Frank's going to find out. Oh, no, no, no. An STD.
What causes foamy urine? Your kidneys. No, I think it just creates bubbles when it goes into the water. I also think that too. Yeah. All right. I mean, that's the reason why there's bottles in there and bubbles in there. From sea to shining... Oh, they don't say foamy in that song. From foamy sea to shining sea. So is it a diseased piss? So you don't know. But if it is a diseased piss, I don't even know if... I mean, I'm sure you can get sick from drinking piss, probably. But like if you drink the piss...
It's not like you're impervious to the sickness. The only thing is you won't have some long-lasting thing that happens to you. So if it's diseased, it might be something that's easily curable, whether it be that day or a couple weeks. Right, but you'll feel the effects of the piss. Well, yeah. I mean, it's piss. Rarely poses a health risk. Okay, so there you go. I mean, of course, there's STDs and stuff in there that I would not want. Can you get STDs from drinking piss?
I believe so. I think this is all-encompassing. I don't think you can. Bro, it's like bodily fluids. Pathogens contained in urine rarely poses a health risk. Yeah, but bodily fluids. These bodily fluids do not spread HBV, saliva, tears, sweat, or pee. Huh, interesting. Okay. There you go. Would you do it? Ant has a question. Ant. Can I chill it?
Great question. Can I mix it with anything or it's got to be straight peak? No, no, no, no. All right. You could chill it, but you can't put ice cubes in it. Well, then how are you chilling it? Are you just letting it sit in the fridge for? Yes. Answer your own question very easily.
Piss martini. Pour it over a couple dash of bitters. Can I make it into something else? You have to taste the piss full on. I mean, I'll taste the piss. Yeah, no. You're going to have to full piss it. Because if I put it in an alcoholic drink, like a pina colada. Mmm. That would be a good pee-pee-nia colada. It would be the easiest piss I ever drank. Yeah. Yeah.
Wait, you've drank more piss? You can put, what? You've drank more piss? No, no, no, but it would be the easiest one I ever drank. But if you put it in the freezer, you would just have to let it sit there, and you could, like, chill it in that way, but you can't put ice cubes in it, so straight piss. I'll do it then. But what would you wish for? Teleportation.
Why did you do this? Like, it didn't matter what the wish for. Like, the whole reason. So, brother, you can't see him, obviously. But Joey goes, what do you wish for? He goes, teleportation. Like, obviously, idiot. Like, what else would I wish for? I didn't know that it was obvious. I thought it was just like, whatever, teleportation. Like, I'm not even going to think about it too much. I would wish, you know what I would wish for? I would do it, yes. Because, whatever, brother. Piss. Me and piss are like this at this point. It is a random piss. It's not your piss. I mean, if there's nothing about the piss that's going to be like, it's good. And you also said don't throw up.
I'm taking the chance. There's a good shot I'm gonna throw up. And you would spread it out over a course of days? Just two days. A little sip of piss.
You know? I feel like that would just make the whole experience much worse. Like, I'm continuously going back and forth. All right, so maybe I'll try to chug it. I don't know. In this hypothetical, I'm sorry I haven't figured out. Can't hold your nose either. Can't hold your nose. That doesn't work for me. Me either. People that do that where they're like, and they take a shot, still taste it. You do that shit. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. Do you? I don't think so. Yeah, you do. I thought he does. I don't know. I'm just going to... I'm backing you up here. Thanks. Yeah, I mean, I'm taking the chance, and then I'm wishing for, like...
Tony Stark level intellect. I'm talking like this, the brains to be able to do anything and figure out anything. I want to make it clear. So not world peace, not wishing for world peace. I can make, I can, hold on, hold on. I can teleportation. Yeah. What do you mean? So you're not taking world peace, Mr. I can fucking snap of a finger. You're good. You'd be jumper. That's what you want to be. The 2006 movie jumper. He just wants to be able to get back and forth from Epcot. Yeah.
He's like, I could get to Disney like this. Yeah. I'm saying, yeah, because with that intellect, I could solve world peace, you know? Tony Stark wasn't able to, but I could. I don't think no one's smart enough to come up with world peace. I just don't think the rest of the world is willing. That's true. That is true. But I would be willing. I'd be smart enough that I'd be able to make them willing, you know, with my Iron Man armor.
Is your wish that you'd be Iron Man? No, but just like Bruce Wayne level intellect. Because with that intellect... He picked two billionaires, by the way. Well, Bruce Wayne is not just a... By the way, he's known to having a genius level intellect. It's not like I'm picking Elon Musk, who very well could be a dummy. You know? I'm saying you did pick two billionaires, though. Okay. All right, Charles Xavier intellect. Yeah.
Does that just mind reading? Well, no, he's also very smart. I don't know. Before that, he's a professor. He's a professor. There's so many. Sorry that all the smart people I can realize. Stephen Hawking, you know? Yeah. Very smart. Very smart. You know? But I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah. But you say, like, you would want to be as smart as you can possibly be. The smartest to ever exist. Like, there's nothing out of my intellectual reach. Okay. Drinking piss to get there. Yeah, whatever. I mean, listen, man.
That's life. You can't make an omelet without cracking a couple eggs. You can't be smart without drinking a couple cups of piss. Yeah. And you... But, okay. Same thing. Wait, what are you wishing for? What did I say? I said that I would wish for... Oh, I know. I would never get sick. Patek fully perpetual calendar. No, I would never get sick. That would be a good one. But I would be smart enough to figure out that I can never get sick. I don't think that you... The brain, I can cure the common cold.
What do you think? Because you're smart, bacteria dies? Well, no. If my brain knows no bounds, then I would be able to solve all of the world's problems. Hunger, war. I mean, you don't have to be a genius. Sickness. Frank, you don't have to be a genius. Like I said, you can figure out how to do world peace, but people have to be willing. Yeah, but that's the other part of it, is that you need to be smart enough to understand how they're going to be willing. So I'd be smart enough to do it all.
No. Yeah. This kid is such a fuck. I'm so smart that I can convince people and manipulate the world and I run the world. I'm gone. Now you use the M word. I never said manipulate. I just said that I'd be smart enough to figure it out. Right. Yep. What would you wish for? Oh, you said never get sick. I could never get sick. Like, I just know that like, I'll just always be healthy no matter what. But does that mean that you'll live forever? No. Because technically dying of natural causes is as a result of sickness.
Yeah, so like I also thought about that too. I mean obviously I'm still like I get hit by a bus
Like that could happen. That sucks. It does suck, but that's a reality. So why not wish... You could get hit by a bus too, genius! No, because I would be smart enough to not get hit by a bus. To get out of the way! I'd be smart enough to not... I'd understand the probability of a bus hitting me that day and I would remove myself from that opportunity. Yo, you doing this as the smartest person in the world, I would kill you with a gun. But I would know that you'd be pissed and I would see the gun killing coming. Would you see all the 30 hitmen I hired? Yeah.
The assassins? I knew that I would... You know, like Ozymandias. Another, again, a billionaire. You don't know who that is. I don't know. Who's Ozymandias? From The Watchmen. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, but now, same thing. And it can be money. Okay. Human shit. Log of poop. One log? Yeah, but like the master log. No, you had different rankings for crap. But you know what I mean. Just, alright, so a good like...
Just, I mean, that's too big. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But just a log of solid shit this large. And it's a random person, bro. And I can't do anything to this log of shit. You could use a fork and knife. Can I throw up? Because that is going to make me throw up. That's going to make me throw up. Yes, you can throw up. Yeah. So then I'm taking the shot, baby. You're taking the shot. Yeah. And you're definitely getting sick. I mean, you're eating. Well, actually, no, I'm not.
And I'll tell you why. Because with the cup of piss, I have the genius intellect to figure out how to become the smartest man, richest man alive. No, this is the, this is the, what does it have to do with eating the shit? I won't have to eat the shit and wish for money because I already have the intellect to figure out how to be the richest person on the planet. Right. And that doesn't even mean that I would use my intellect for that. Maybe. He's like, if I'm smart, then I can invent. And now I'm back to the billionaire. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm telling you. But like, obviously different worlds. Would you eat the shit? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know how much money I would pay to watch you even sit in front of a plate of human shit? Me? Yeah. Why him? You would gag maybe uncontrollably. You may suffocate from gagging. Can I chill it? What is?
Can I chill it? Honestly, I feel like it'd be better hot. No. Hot and ready like Little Caesars. No, I don't know about that. Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking throw up. Can I chill it is such a funny question. Wow, you want it to be like sausage? You're making my eyes water, but you're not gonna get me. I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get him once. You want it to be like sausage? I can see it happening. Slowly I can see it in his face. He's gonna gag.
What is that bro? How come you are so like... This is the easiest thing in the world! It's crazy. Why would you want it chilled? I feel like it'd be nicer. Like it'd be nicer! But like you want to be able to cut it like a sausage? Yeah! Okay. Chopsticks? I gotta eat this. Oh, like a sushi? Kinda. Okay. Shishus? What about... Oh no, I got hiccups now. You deserve that a little bit. That's kind of disgusting for some reason.
They have hiccups during this conversation. Go, keep going, keep going. What were you going to ask next? What are you doing? Oh, is this how you're going to get rid of them? Oh, you do the keep. You've done that a lot on a show. On the show. Oh, God. Did it work? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, so far. Wow. God bless. Yeah, so. Yeah. If it means a comfortable life for everyone I know, I will gladly eat a log of human shit. Six ounces of semen.
Six ounces. What is that? Fluid ounces? Yeah. Well, I think there's a difference between fluid ounces and just weight. Can I pick the person? No. Two shots. Two shot glasses, I meant. Oh! Two shot glasses. I don't know. I think that's where I draw. Can I pick the person? How would you even go about picking that? Honestly, I think that's where I draw the line. Semen. Yeah. Two shot glasses of blood. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll ask for a third. Ew, dude. I'm kidding.
Two bloods is crazy. No, blood, that's... Really? I'm disgusted by it. Really? Like, arm, like, blood. If it's my own blood, I don't care. It's not your blood. That's the point. It's a random person's blood. The idea of drinking a random person's blood is so disgusting. Yeah, it's disgusting. Let's be very clear. All this was gross and probably got us demonetized a while ago. Probs. But good morning to whoever is watching the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On their drive to work.
We're like, it's going to be a beautiful day. It's going to give you something to think about for the rest of the day, though, because you are going to probably ask your friends, like, yo, are you drinking this piss? That's a good question. Yeah. I'm going to ask. Yo, the piss thing is probably like anyone who says no is a fucking idiot and you should kick them out of your lives. Like you should be able to easily drink a glass of piss. Piss means nothing to me. Bear Grylls was pissing. He's drinking his own piss. Now, Bear Grylls is different, though. I know. He's a weirdo. I think he.
I think there's some stuff about Bear Grylls that's not very nice. How about the fact that his name is Bear Grylls? Awesome. Definitely can't be his real name, though. Yeah. Definitely. Give us that. Oh, my God. If he has, like, a whack name. Yeah, if it's like Roger Stevenson, I'm going to be so pissed. Bear Grylls' real name. Edward Michael. His name is Edward Michael? Is anything in this world real? No, it's not. And honestly, he deserves to drink his own piss.
He was given the nickname at a week old. His sister gave him the nickname Bear when he was a week old. So it's not his own. All right, you know what? But he also perpetuates it. Because you know he goes around and he's like, my name's Bear. You know he does it. So... Damn. What's his wife's name? Shauna, it looks like. Shara? What does that say? Where? Oh, here? Shara Grills? Shara? Oh, Shara Grills. Shara Grills. Or is that a weird Sarah?
Maybe. It could be because there's a lot of like Irish names that are like it's spelled and it's like the name is like Siobhan. Yeah. It's like. But it's spelled like Siobhan or something. Siobhan. Yeah. Like what are we doing here? Yeah. Well, we don't want to offend anyone that speaks Gaelic. So. Right. Or anyone that watches this name Siobhan. Right. Or anyone that's watching this name Saoirse. What's that?
That's another like Gaelic Irish name. Like the actress Saoirse Ronan. It's spelled like S-A-O-I-R-S-E. Soiree. There's a lot of those. There's a lot of those like really difficult to pronounce Gaelic names. I used to tell people I was Gaelic because I just thought Gaelic meant Irish.
I didn't know. Oh, there's no way you were getting, like when I heard gay lick in like 2004, I was just like, huh? A gay lick? Yeah. Ew. You speak what? You're going to gay lick your boys? Um, anyway. That's an interesting question. I think that's where we can end. Right there. You know what I mean? With gay lick. Right. Gotcha. Okay. I mean, all right. Where can they find you, Frank? Uh,
Drinking a cup of piss to become the smartest man in the world. I wish. FAlvarez8085 on Twitter. The Frank Alvarez on all the forms of social media. Go check it out. Patreon. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. If you're coming to any of the shows in Europe, TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Go follow TheBasementYard on everything. Go follow Joe on everything. Go follow Ant on nothing. And then, yeah. You saw that coming. You did. You saw it. Yeah, I did. You saw it.
We calm down. Yeah. Go, go, go. Anyway, guys. I love how he goes like this. He goes like, prepare. Yeah. Anyway, guys. That was good. That was a good one. That was a good one. One more time. Yeah. His eyes are going. All right, guys. Seriously. This time, we're not going to. Ew. Don't actually do the thing. Rumble. Rumble.
This is now just the stupidest show ever. You've taken it to a new level of dumb. Well, hey, baby. Guys, that is all for this week's episode. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Turn off the lights when you leave the basement. Better? Okay.