TDS Time Machine | 2024 Foxsplains
14:46 Share

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy, like Otsuko Okatsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Reif, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros Helkias, Wanda Sykes,

and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to LiveNation.com slash comedy to get your tickets today. That's LiveNation.com slash comedy.

This is Holly Frey from Stuff You Missed in History Class. The national sales event is on at your Toyota dealer, making now the perfect time to get a great deal on a dependable new SUV, like an adventure-ready RAV4. Available with all-wheel drive, your new RAV4 is built for performance on any terrain. Or, to get a great deal on a dependable new SUV,

check out a stylish and comfortable Highlander with seating for up to eight passengers and available panoramic moonroof. You can sit back and enjoy the wide open views with the whole family. Check out more national sales event deals when you visit buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places. How crispy are the new Delimex crispy quesadillas? Let's see. I'm going to pop one in the microwave. Yeah, Delimex crispy quesadillas are crispy even from a microwave. I can already smell it.

Heads up, if you hate loud crunching, you might want to mute. Mmm, so crispy. Like, barely hear myself think crispy. These should come with a warning. Mmm. If this crispiness is making you hungry, get to your closest grocery store for Deli Mac's crispy quesadillas in the frozen aisle. Hey everyone, Desi Lydic here. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in the new year on January 7th with all new episodes.

Why is Taylor Swift really dating Travis Kelsey? Is it because they have a genuine emotional connection or is it the more obvious reason? They're part of a top secret CIA operation to re-elect Joe Biden and push the COVID vaccine on our nation's teenage girls. Well, I've been watching Fox News for 1,989 hours straight and I'm ready to Foxplain the most dangerous Taylor in America since that guy who made Obama's tan suit. ♪ Alarm ♪

The Super Bowl is rigged for the Chiefs. Sure seems like something that is like concocted in order to accelerate the fame of these two people. The Biden administration is working on what they call the Taylor strategy. Taylor Swift, quite frankly, does not know that she is being utilized in a covert manner. This fake campaign.

carefully crafted show is nothing but a sigh off. Taylor's got a blank space baby, where she'll write in the name of dead people on fraudulent ballots. Bumble and Biden's plan just might work because the Swifties are brainwashed. They'll do whatever she tells them to do. It's a cult. I could go on, but I have to leave in 10 minutes so I can get a good spot at the MAGA rally that's eight hours from my house. Taylor Swift psychologically manipulates thousands of women with her mediocre music. It isn't even that good.

It's like she literally wrote this song about me. Mark my words, Joe Brandon only wants Taylor's endorsement in case it helps him win the election. Oh yeah, I just blew the lid off this.

Travis Kelsey, a.k.a. Mr. Pfizer, some grown man who gets paid millions of dollars every year to throw a ball around while promoting poison death shots. Taylor Swift and Mr. Bud Light Pfizer. Who is this Travis Kelsey, a.k.a. Mr. Pfizer, a.k.a. Mr. Bud Light, a.k.a. Mr. Potato Head? Can he also change his facial features and genitals? Problem.

keep politics out of the NFL. It's about sports and standing for the national anthem and the Air Force flyover funded by the US military. The government is clearly forcing Travis and Taylor to date. Does this look like a happy relationship to you? Please tell me because I don't know what a happy relationship looks like. And some people say Taylor Swift is secretly gay. Yeah.

A secret gaygent of the CIGAY. Here's how it's gonna go. Chiefs win the Super Bowl. Travis proposes to Taylor. The wedding invites go out. I don't get one. I show up anyway, dressed like the Joker. I am so done with these two. I bought a Travis Kelsey jersey and a cardigan so I could burn them. And yeah, that led to me burning my house down. So yeah, if you could donate to my GoFundMe, that would be really huge for me. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years.

Patrick Mahomes is Antifa. Donald Trump has been handed down a judgment that is, in many ways, worse than the death penalty. How could this happen in what used to be America? I've been watching Fox News for 175 hours straight, down from 464, and I'm ready to Foxplain how New York's fraud case against Trump is the worst bond decision since Quantum of Solace. ♪

First, the facts. Donald Trump was ordered to pay a staggering $454 million to New York City. Just to put that in perspective, that's $1 per person that's been murdered on the subway every day. This judge was a far left whack job. Look at him. What is he, Hillary Clinton in a Henry Winkler mask?

I'm onto you, Buster. Let me tell you something. If Trump was a drag queen, New York would be giving him $450 million. He'd be dancing in a public library right now and he would be serving. No one can afford a $454 million bond. I mean, except Trump, because he's super rich. And that amount of money means nothing to him. Which brings me to my next point. We have to give money to President Trump.

Venmo. Zelle. Kickstarter. Put dollar bills in his waistband like a stripper. $454 million bond. Ask yourself, how did they come up with this number? Math. Who invented math? Muslims. Or was it the Chinese? I need to Wikipedia. The Babylonians.

Wokesters. The timing of all of these cases is a little bit suspicious, don't you think? For example, is it really a coincidence that the Democrats waited until after the 2020 election to prosecute Trump for trying to overturn the 2020 election? No victims, half a billion dollars. There were no victims. There was no money lost. There's no victims in any of these cases. This is a victimless crime. I mean, it's not like you raped anyone.

Let's not use that one. What kind of lonely existence is this when you derive your happiness or sorrow based on the trials of another person? If you're excited by the idea of locking him up, you are sick. Lock them all up. You want to know why this is happening? D-E-I, Donald Election Interference. Also black people. Hi, Bank of America. May I borrow $454 million for a friend? Hello?

Huh. The Babylonians were the first to compute the value of pi. Interesting. Donald Trump weighing in on abortion, saying it should be left up to the states. The states will determine by vote or legislation or perhaps both, and whatever they decide must be the law of the land. He talked about compromising, having a heart for other people, but also we have to win. Abortion is murder. Ring the Republicans' chances in 2024. So they've developed

a perfect new stance on abortion. What is it? Well, I've been watching Fox News for 1,864 hours straight, and I'm ready to Foxplain how Donald Trump and the GOP have learned to speak sincerely and compassionately about this stupid ladies' issue.

Republicans have principles that they will not compromise on, unless it's an election year. I want power. Whichever principles give me power, I choose those. So Republicans are learning to moderate because at the end of the day, women can vote, unfortunately. Luckily, Republicans are led by the perfect spokesman on all issues, lady and vaginal, Donald Trump. Trump ended Roe v. Wade. That solved the abortion issue nationwide.

except in like 40 to 45 states. And Trump is genius to send it back to the states. When has a states' rights issue ever led to anything bad in America? Donald Trump is pro-life, but he's pro-choice for states. He's pro-ch-life. Pro-choice.

I remind those folks that are passionately pro-life, and I love those folks, if we continue to lose elections, we do not get this issue right, we will lose elections. We love our babies, and I love being a mother, but what's most important? Republicans taking over. His core argument is about winning, and if you lose an election,

Are you really winning the life issue? We must protect the sacred life of Donald Trump's re-election campaign. Hush little campaign, don't say a word. Trump is gonna win you a second term. Pro-choice with life. Pro-choice with life. Pro-choice with life.

If you had to travel to another state to get an abortion, it's not the worst thing in the world. Buying a bus ticket to go somewhere to get it is not the worst thing in the world. It's really probably more Democrat that wants abortion literally when it's coming, when the child is coming out of the birth canal. It looks like the majority of Americans don't like the rape and incest thing. So listen, Republicans must learn to be very sensitive when talking about the rape and incest doohickey, blah, blah, blah.

And if your state bans abortion, who cares? Get on a bus. All aboard! Don't be fooled. Democrats are going to spread all sorts of misinformation when it comes to the Republican stance on abortion. And don't forget, Democrats want legal abortions up to the 23rd trimester. I'm...

very pro-choice. I was proudly the person responsible for the ending of Roe v. Wade. You said that you were pro-choice. Now you've changed, right? Not strongly, but I am pro-life. Donald Trump's true stance on abortion should be a decision between Donald Trump, his brain, and any woman whose abortions he might have paid for. Trump is pro-life with ads. $9.99 a month for nine months. No backseas. Planned Parenthood is run by werewolves. Hey,

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy, like Otsuko Okotsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Reif, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros Helkias, Wanda Sykes,

and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. Head to LiveNation.com slash comedy to get your tickets today. That's LiveNation.com slash comedy. Jon Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.

Democrats treat Trump like a terrorist. Now they've taken away his freedom of movement. The president's got to sit there, he can't say a word. I think they bought a million dollar soccer field for the people in Gitmo. This weaponized Department of Justice, it will never recover.

Move over, Trail of Tears. Donald Trump's hush money porn star case is the worst thing America's ever done. They are treating President Trump worse than a terrorist. He's stuck in court. Meanwhile, Bin Laden's out there all day surfing in the ocean. He can't yell. He can't nap. He can't sneeze. He can't even play Sudoku on his phone. You cannot make someone sit still for that long. It is impossible.

It's inhumane. Trump's in a torture chamber while Biden's prosecutor puts on a show trial. The guy needs exercise. He needs sunlight and he needs activity. So he has to sit there all week for six weeks.

And if he says anything, they'll throw him in jail. That's crazy. They are torturing this man. Trump needs sunlight, fresh air, regular walks, his heartworm medication. He's gonna get the zoomies. Trump was this close to exercising for the first time. Not anymore. He can't sing. He can't dance an Irish jig. He can't play his beloved ukulele. He can't yodel. Ha!

That unprecedented gag order preventing Donald Trump from even defending himself in public. He's not allowed or they're gonna put him in jail. What happened to freedom of speech? For the love of God, lift the gag order. The American people deserve to hear what Donald Trump thinks about this case. If Trump can't speak his thoughts, what's he supposed to do? Keep it all inside? He doesn't have any room in there. This jury is not impartial. I've been following all the jurors home every night this week to watch them sleep.

I promise you, they are nuts. He can't gargle. He can't break dance. He can't build Ikea furniture, for God's sake. This is vindictive. It is evil. A former president should never be treated this way. Until Joe Biden is out of office and he should get the electric chair. Biden is authorizing deadly violence.

Force against his political opponent. This was an attempted assassination attempt on Donald John Trump. Merrick Garland basically issued a kill order for President Trump. Donald Trump in an email titled, they were authorized to shoot me. Biden was, quote, locked and loaded, ready to take me out. That's right. John Wilkes Biden approved a raid on Mar-a-Lago where FBI agents were authorized to use deadly force.

The FBI was 100% out for blood. And if Trump wasn't 100%, 1200 miles away in a different state, they would have gotten it. Nice try, double-O Biden. Or is it double-Joe-7? I'm still working on it. The FBI said this is standard violence.

protocol. Who are you going to believe, the FBI or the chairwoman of the House CrossFit Committee? Hey, FBI, here's a standard protocol. Gagoosh. Oh, but the FBI was so polite and tried not to cause a scene and never pulled out their weapons. It's called killing him with kindness. Y'all get it twisted. Biden was locked and loaded with a custom glizzy ready to pop a hot one in Trump's

that dome. They brought a medic, a combat medic. They had a trauma center 18 miles away and a map. They wanted a gunfight. They were also instructed to wear unmarked polo or collared shirts. It was a siege by land, by sea, by air, by Uber during surge pricing, assassination

assassinating political opponents, America has turned into a banana republic, which explains all the polo shirts. And it all went through the FBI, the federal Biden of assassination. Joe Biden is a senile old fool who also masterminded an elaborate multi-agency assassination plot. The man is incompetent and also dangerously competent. Zero Dark 45. I'm on to you, Jessica Chastain.

They're calling Republicans weird, which is weird in and of itself. It's so weird. Democrats say J.D. Vance is weird. J.D. Vance is somehow weird and not the party that brought people like Sam Britton, you know, who stole everybody's luggage at the airport. There's some weird policies on the left, like porn in kids' classrooms. You know what's really weird?

Leaving our borders open. What I think is weird is not thinking for yourself. That's right, the far-left Democrats have taken time away from building a socialist abortion laser to call good, honest patriots like J.D. Vance and Marjorie Taylor Greene weird.

Republicans are weird? Democrats are the ones who want to make AP butt stuff a requirement for elementary schools. They're the ones milking almonds, which, last I checked, don't have nipples. They're the ones providing litter boxes to illegal immigrants who identify as Garfield. No me gusta Mondays? Then get out. You know who else they called weird? Steve Jobs. Elon Musk. The Unabomber. He went to Harvard. Republicans have so many wonderful patriots in their ranks. Look at this man. Does he look weird to you? Patience.

Stop calling Republicans weird. You guys are being so un-woke right now. Stop it. Stop it. So unfair. It's just so juvenile. It's doo-doo. It's poo-poo head. They go poo-poo in diapers. What does weird even mean? What does it mean? No one knows what it means. Why won't they tell us what weird means so we know how to respond? I pronouns are not and weird. No, that's not. But not weird.

And not weird. Not weird. And she hurt. I would accept it if liberals attacked Donald Trump for an actual flaw, but he does not have one. God bathed him in the milk of perfection. Not weird. It is so disappointing to see these childless socialists stoop so low. I'm so weird. How come none of the strangers that I talk to in the YouTube comments of Flat Earth videos have ever called me that before?

You know what? I don't have time for this weird nonsense because I have to go protest in front of a library because there's a book in there with boobies in it. Trans immigrants are taking our cheeseburgers.

Hey, comedy fans. The funniest comedians in the world are on tour, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. Laugh at the biggest names in comedy, like Otsuko Okatsuka, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Carr, Kathy Griffin, Matt Matthews, Matt Reif, Sarah Silverman, Sebastian Maniscalco, Stavros Helkias, Wanda Sykes,

Hey, everybody. Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out

Every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGIT. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches.

And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.