Shownotes Transcript
And the content they can see.
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Toyota, let's go places. You're listening to Comedy Central. Don't Bogart that prescription, man. The grooviest federal advisory panel ever has just released a report that claims patients suffering from serious diseases should be allowed to smoke medical marijuana. While critics... All right. While critics contend marijuana is dangerous and often leads to much more addictive substances like laughter and sex...
Here's the drug czar, where the drugs are. What I will absolutely support, though, is the notion that I think this report very admirably makes, that there are other cannabinoids besides THC. Ah, yes. The itching and swelling of cannabinoids. And the embarrassment of eating your donut pillow. Doctors are worried about the respiratory effects of smoking marijuana, but there's some good news and some good news. Talk to me, dude.
We recommend development of a rapid onset but non-smoked delivery system, such as an inhaler, perhaps similar to an asthma inhaler. An inhaler will likely be lauded by 14-year-old shop students, but drastically change the image of the high school burnout. I'm going to kick your ass after gym. Dork. Research monkeys become addicted to marijuana. Their desperate parents plea for them to just say,
If you go to the zoo and see a gibbon in a beret reciting Ginsburg's Howl over the wail of a Coltrane 78, don't worry, you're not high, the monkey is. A new study released earlier in the week reports that monkeys will repeatedly dose themselves with THC, the active ingredient of marijuana, if given the chance. Researchers found that squirrel monkeys repeatedly pushed a lever to self-administer THC through injection. Though in all fairness, an earlier study had given all of the monkeys glaucoma.
According to the scientists, the monkeys didn't show any sign of being sedated by the drug, though they did show signs of paranoia, claiming they felt like they were in cages while being watched by men in lab coats. Our next health story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self-prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive.
But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than .0001% of American marijuana smokers. The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes...
is illegal, period, and has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling, long-haired, hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick. No, seriously, they're sick and they need help.
Robert McGinnis of the Family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana. I don't deny that, you know, sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high. And when you get high, you feel better. Robert McGinnis speaking out strongly and poorly against miracle marijuana. Medical marijuana, which is a miracle.
Now, the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter-button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's Even Steven. You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized? Yes. No. Yes!
The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an 80-year-old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people suffering, Steven. Far out, Steve. Groovy point, man. You're blowing my mind.
Face it, you and your Dr. Dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a convenient case of glaucoma real soon.
This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro-people, not pro-pot. Oh, come on, Steve. You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections. So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve. Where do you get your pot?
Steven, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying, because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty, that I'm into wife swapping. Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you? Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine. Let's.
What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunkweed is just as ridiculous as if I said, "Hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners?" Would that idea appeal to you? I don't know, Steve. Would we be high? I don't know. Would you bring the dope?
Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some. You're not listening, Steven. You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind bud. But we would be wife-swapping this Friday.
Have I made myself clear? Clear as crystal, Steve. But let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed. Yes. Okay, that sounds perfect. Great. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell, and this has been Even Stephen. Even Stephen. Should we bring anything? Yeah, a bottle of wine would be nice.
One of the challenges of this job is to engage the audience in stories they have no inherent interest in. And that's going to be tough again tonight, because sadly, we're about to talk about marijuana. Now, grow up.
Now, not everybody in the medical community is a big fan of it, but last Thursday, that may have changed thanks to America's favorite doctor. Um, no, not him. Um, I'm talking about the real McDreamy. Dr. Sanjay Gupta changes his mind on weed. Sanjay, you were very critical of medical marijuana for a long time. You've changed your mind. Tell us why. Whoo!
Sanjay Gupta getting on the Mary Jane train. Chief medical correspondent of the Cannabis News Network. Talking some weed with Erin Burnout and Wolf Spliffzer.
So, uh, Sarge, what changed your mind about the ganj? I think, you know, we've been terribly and systematically misled in this country for some time. I took the DEA at their word when they said it's a Schedule I substance and has no medical applications. Wait, you took the Drug Enforcement Agency at their word? Is there any other-- other medical misinformation that you may still believe just because someone told you? You do know that you won't actually go blind from jacking it, right?
Because I just found that out two weeks ago and it's turned my life around. Anyway, Dr. G, please continue your report on weed. What's next? An exclusive report on tasty munchies? Huh?
Very early studies on mice are now showing the potential of marijuana to kill cancer cells. Amashe is using marijuana to help him with the pain and nausea from chemotherapy. Residents here are using marijuana for pain, loss of appetite, Parkinson's disease, and dementia.
Oh, right, because, of course, marijuana actually has real medical benefits and can be prescribed by doctors. In fact, dispensaries sell different strains to treat different problems. And on that note, if you want this drug with serious medical benefits to be taken seriously, how about adulting up the names a little bit? That way, a sick old man doesn't have to ask for a quarter ounce of rainbow diesel funkadelic cheddar, Harmony. LAUGHTER
It's just a suggestion. But I have to give CNN credit where it's due. Sanjay Gupta copped to his error, their weed special answered the most pressing questions about the legitimate medical uses of marijuana, and they also answered a question that absolutely no one has been asking. What's Piers Morgan like when he's high?
I'm gonna make a shocking revelation here. I've tried cannabis when I was a young, younger lad, and I've also had to have Vicodin when I broke some ribs, falling off, embarrassingly, a Segway in Santa Monica. And I can tell you that it was the Vicodin which I was prescribed by my doctor, which gave me a massively higher high than the cannabis ever did. Okay, this is important.
I would like to personally offer $10,000 in reward to anyone who can bring me footage of Piers Morgan falling off that Segway. I mean it. Neither Vicodin nor marijuana nor the purest ecstasy could bring anyone as much joy as that videotape could.
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Let's do this. Ciao, it's Stassi. Of course Lisa brought in her favorite to be resident chaperone of the castle. Hey!
Stassi is an icon. She's my eyes and ears. I love this. Get ready for the luxury and drama that awaits us in Italy. Cheers to all the toxic couples in the castle. Season 2 of Vanderpump Villa premieres April 24th. Streaming on Hulu. Today is... What day is today? Ah, April 20th. And that date, when written in numeric form, indicates that it's time for...
Super Kush, Totally Chillax, Sticky Icky, Informative, Marijuana News. What's up? What's up? I didn't have time to do the whole thing. I honestly look like a rainbow-haired Larry Fine from the Three Stooges right now. 420, man! Best day of the year! My birthday!
Let's tune in and drop out and get totally baked on news. And there's one network that gets the groove that I'm grooving. It's 420, brah. Times are a-changin'. I just legally purchased marijuana. A new movement is growing. One network, one groundbreaking event. It's 420, so grab your favorite munchies and get ready for a night you wouldn't expect on CNN. Yeah! Like I always say, CNN is cool as f***.
And I'm way ahead of you guys. I got the munchies all set. I got my Ben & Jerry's vanilla... Whoa. What? I got my Ben & Jerry's vanilla afikoman crunch. It's basically lactate ice cream with real bits of matzah hidden right inside there. The good news is, the more you eat it, the less matzah you have to deal with. All right, first up, Weed 3. Take it away, Sanjay. Feel good, pa? Hope he ties up all the loose ends from Weeds 1 and 2.
Could marijuana help save veterans? It seems to be helping her PTSD. Using marijuana to treat the symptoms of Alzheimer's. She says marijuana makes her nearly pain-free. He was once suicidal, but Sean now has hope. Hope that comes from this plant. Well, you f***ed me, Shannon.
I'm ready for weed stock, the whole thing, and you're giving me this. This is an actual news report. What, are you going to bore me with an economics lesson now? It has been over a year now since Colorado legalized recreational marijuana. In February, the state reported a $53 million tax revenue increase. This pot story isn't fun at all. It's all about disease and taxes and what about free love and hot boxing and
free love hot boxing. Come on, guys! -All right. -Get it together, dudes! What's-- Okay, lose the wig, Wavy Gravy, which is a reference I don't even understand. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Hey, Jess, happy 420. You chilling?
- Oh, okay, stop. Enough, enough. - I'm just grooving to the hash bar. - No, no you're not. You're making everyone look bad. POT isn't just for shirtless old dudes with bongos. It's a non-addictive proven effective medical treatment that is now raising much needed tax revenue for like schools, libraries and roads. - Ooh, look at the square.
It's 420. Why can't we just sit back, hit the dube, and use a Pink Floyd gatefold album to sift out the seeds in our lid of skunk weed? What? I literally don't know what any of those words mean. Nobody uses record albums to sift their pot. Nobody owns record albums. I mean, like, I do because I'm cool. What the hell is skunk weed? You know, skunk weed, schwag. Schwag? What, like free T-shirts? No, like bad weed.
There's a such thing as bad weed? You know what? Never mind. Look, this is now, John, and we don't smoke. We vape our scientifically cultivated medical-grade buds that we had hand-delivered using a phone app called Dankstagram. Which signs a delivery to show up precisely five minutes before our Thai food. It's great. I gotta vape. I vape. Oh, really? Which one? You got G-Pen? You got a PAX?
I believe it's a Vicks. It's a vaporizer. It's not a... I add some albuterol sometimes if my allergies are kicking in. You know, pollen in the maze. John, you make me so sad. I love you. She's awesome.
But even with all marijuana's proven benefits, there's always one guy who's got to be a total narc. Governor Chris Christie says if he becomes president, he will crack down on states that allow the sale of marijuana. Marijuana is a gateway drug. We have an enormous addiction problem in this country. Marijuana is an illegal drug under federal law, and the states should not be permitted to sell it and profit from it. You heard the man. Hey!
Let the man be ideologically consistent. Or at least appear that way. No Christie administration will tolerate, let alone raise revenue from anything addictive or that federal law disapproves of. Roll the tape. Chris Christie is the guy that signed into law to legalize internet gambling. He claims legalizing sports gambling would add a new source of cash for his state. Well, there is a difference, though, to be fair. If you smoke too much pot, no one comes to break your knees.
My guest tonight is a multi-platinum selling recording artist whose new album is called Rolling Papers 2. Please welcome Wiz Khalifa. Welcome to the show. What's up, dude?
This is the second time. So, you... I met you backstage now. Yeah. And I got high just meeting you. That's awesome. And I'm not joking. This is the second time. There was one time I was flying out of L.A., and you were ahead of me in the TSA line. Okay. And you had to, like, take everything off. You had, like, hoodies and all that, and you were, like, taking it all off. And I'm standing behind you. Yeah. And it smelled like every Snoop Dogg album. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And I remember on that, I was like, oh, I'm high. And this is like the second time. Is this like, you do this everywhere you go? You inspire people? Yeah, well, I want people to get... I want you to get stoned for free. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. I'm the homie, you know what I mean? Humanitarian. Yeah. That's who Wiz Khalifa is.
Before we get into the weed, let's talk about the album, though. Rolling Papers 2. 25 songs on the album. That's a lot of songs. Is that something you always planned? Why did you want to have 25 songs on the album? I've been working on this album for, like,
-three, close to four years. -Right. And early in the process, I asked my fans, like, should I make it a double album or not? And they all told me that I should make it a double album. So it was always my intention to release a lot of music. I just had to figure out a way to make it flow and a way to, you know, put it all together. But, yeah, I definitely wanted to give people a full-course meal. Right. And when... Like, when you... Is this, like, weed talk now? Is that what we're doing? Well, I just ate a turkey burger, so...
It's been seven years since your first studio album, Rolling Papers. Why has it taken so long? Well, I've just been growing pot. But for real, for real, like, I have a really extensive catalog. Right. It's really, really long. So I've been just, you know, satisfying everybody on every... I'm with you right now. You know what I mean? And now I'm back with another album where it's like, okay, let's...
Let's get back to it and then create another 10, 15 years of legacy. And people think you're joking about growing pot, but you are really big into the legalization of weed. Absolutely. You have a business, Khalifa Kush. Yes, sir. Right? Yes, sir.
How is the weed business going? Is it as booming as people say it is? Absolutely. It's really good, and it's super cool because people are not as afraid of pot as they used to be. Right. So it's like they ingest it in different ways. They eat it. It's cream. It's like CBD where they've taken the THC, which got you stoned. They took that out.
And now you can just enjoy the medicinal effects of it as well. So you have a choice. As a dad, would you let your kids smoke weed? When he gets to the legal age, absolutely. Oh, yeah? Absolutely. Does he know you smoke weed? Absolutely. How does he know? It's hard not to know. Oh, before I let you go, I wanted to talk to you about your body. Yeah. The, um...
No, this became a big thing online. Wiz Khalifa was always known for being this scraggly dude. You were really tall, six foot four, I think. You started working out, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put on, what, 30 pounds? 30 pounds, absolutely. You look like you work out, too, man. No, I just eat.
You're kind of like this in that suit, though, man. But how did you get 30 pounds on you? What did you, like, what did you do? And how did you just get into working out? I joined a gym in L.A. It's called Unbreakable. Right. They put me on a meal plan and diet and all of that stuff. And it's a lifestyle thing, so it's something that I'm gonna do, like, for the rest of my life. So the new album is out. Are we gonna wait another seven years for the next one? Ha-ha!
Do we know? Is it like, is it gonna be Khalifa Kush all the way and then an album? Or do you see yourself on the road writing something new? - I see myself making a whole lot of music. I have a label, Taylor Gang, and I have a lot of artists that I focus on as well. Chevy Woods just put out a project called 81. We just signed Skate. We got a bunch of other people who's been working on music, Burner, Tukey. We got producers like TM and things like that. So just as long as the music is getting out there, it doesn't even matter if it's one of my albums. Like just as long as people get stoned.
See you, Dad.
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These five models rank in the top 10 for resale value of all vehicles, according to Kelley Blue Book's KBB.com, and have a retained value after five years that is thousands higher than the average vehicle. So, after countless carpools, road trips, and off-road adventures, your Toyota will still have plenty to give, both on the road and towards your wallet. Shop by a Toyota.com for a great deal on the vehicle that's right for you, today and tomorrow.
Let's do this. Ciao. It's Stassi. Of course, Lisa brought in her favorite to be resident chaperone of the castle. Stassi.
Dossie is an icon. She's my eyes and ears. I love this. Get ready for the luxury and drama that awaits us in Italy. Cheers to all the toxic couples in the castle. Season 2 of Band of Pumpfella premieres April 24th. Streaming on Hulu. I want to dig into all these angles with the greatest news team in the world. Let's go to the airport right now with Roy Wood Jr. Roy! Yeah, Roy. Roy. Roy.
Well, you interviewed the flight attendants. What did the flight attendants say? Oh, this is so good. Oh, my God. Roy, you interviewed the flight attendants, right? Yeah, yeah. I was going to interview them, but damn, why is it so good? It's so small, but it's so good. Roy, I'm sorry. What's going on, Roy?
Look, look, Jordan, I just wanted to relax a little bit. It's 420. It's 420. So, on our 420, I just smoked a little bit of weed, and then I smoked a whole lot more. You're high during the show. Come on, man. The news is so depressing out there, and I just needed a break. Plus, it's Black History Month, man. Back up off me. Roy, you literally just told me it's 420. That is April.
Is that what the fall stands for? Damn it, Roy. Damn it. I'm disappointed. Sorry, folks. It's very unprofessional. Let's just, let's go to Southwest headquarters to get the corporate reaction from our own Desi Lydic. Desi, Desi, Desi, is Southwest policy on baby attendance going to change? There's an even bigger question here, Jordan, which is how do planes even fly?
Like, they have wings, but the wings don't flap. I've never seen a plane take off like this. God damn it, Desi, are you high? What? No! I mean, yes, but on weed.
I'm not like high in a plane. Is that what you meant? No, that's not what I meant. Honestly, folks, look, I'm sorry. This is a total lack of professionalism. You deserve better. It's unbelievable. Let's try this one more time. Michael Kosta, are you there with us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I am, Jordan. I'm Michael Kosta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't you worry, because I'm not high on weed. I'm high on cocaine, okay? Come on, let's go.
It's very illegal. Yeah, well, don't you worry. It's medicinal. I bought it behind a Walgreens, so we're good. Did you at least interview anyone? Oh, buddy, I interviewed everyone. I interviewed the guy. I interviewed the baby. I interviewed every piece of luggage. I interviewed myself. That was interesting. And I'm going to interview the plane once it lands on this runway. Woo! Wait, how did...
How did you get on an active runway? It was easy. There was a door. It was unlocked. It was basically unlocked. You just walk through, punch the security guard, and then you're here. You're there. That's it. You've got to get out of there. It's not safe. Don't worry, dude. I can't physically die, okay? I see the plane coming. Bring it on. Bring it on. Let's go. Is that another Cinnabon? What are you doing? There's a plane coming. Roy! Roy! But how did you get on an active runway?
- How do they get the cinnamon in the bun? - I don't know! It's so good! - How did you even get that? You weren't even at the airport. - Oh, I flew. This does work. - Is this what? We should start at, I don't know, you could be the flight, you could be the back door. - You know what, go ahead and get hit by a plane. I can't believe you all got high at work without me. Desi, Roy, and Michael, everyone.
Hey y'all, it's your old pal Sarah Silverman and I'm back in New York City where now weed is so legal they have stores. Stores with weed. I mean, what is this? 23 other states? Great, but could I find someone to smoke this fancy new legal weed with? Do you guys smoke pot?
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - You buy it from the store now or do you guys still, are you loyal to your old dealers? - Used to have to go all around and like, "Hey, I got a text to you, a menu." So now I just go down the corner and then there's like a store right there. - I noticed a couple of you have walkie talkies. Is it for work? - Yeah. - Hey, this is Sarah Silverman. I just want to let you know that Curtis has diarrhea and he might be a little bit late.
Okay, well, these guys didn't get stoner comedy, but maybe I'd find some bud buddies at one of the new licensed dispensaries like the Union Square Travel Agency, where buying drugs feels like, well, a little bit like making an appointment at the Not-So-Genius Bar.
So when New York legalized, they granted the first licenses to people being formerly incarcerated. I love it. When I first moved to New York City, the way I got weed was I'd call my dealer or get into his Toyota Yaris and have to sit in a smelly car while I listened to his band's demo. And here, I mean, are you in a band? I'm not in a band. It's refreshing.
Instead of dealers without professional boundaries, these new dispensaries have weed baristas, a.k.a. bud tenders. I want the giggles and the creativity of a sativa with the feeling like I'm being held by like a 16-foot man cradled like a baby. We have something for that. Really? We do. So what's your preferred method of consumption? Do you have anything that I can...
- Put up anally, like it's a backstory of some kind. Not with weed in it, just anything. - Not here. - Are you high right now? - No. - I'd like to speak to a manager, please.
Non-high weed dealers? What a strange new world. At least the customers were just like in the old days. What are you guys going to do when you're high? We giggle. We laugh. We laugh. And do we get intimate? We get intimate and we get brownies. What's brownies? Is that some kind of sex euphemism? No. Oh, it's just an actual brownie. We're old-fashioned. It's brownies. Oh, that sounds good. That's right up my alley. Can I get high with you? Sure. When it's time to get intimate, you know what?
One of you guys will have to leave. - Can we choose? - We'll pick straws. - And people aren't just using weed to enhance their eating and love making. - It helps with a lot of like anxiety or just like that nerve pushing button where you're just like, I don't want to talk to you anymore. - It's like, I feel like you smoke pot and you realize that nothing you're worried about matters. - Yeah. - I mean, basically we're already dead.
These users were so stoked on their legal weed, it seems like anyone could sell it to them. Hmm, notes of hickory. Like anyone at all. What ills are you trying to solve with drugs? I'm just looking to get higher than I've ever been. Yeah, just ultimate high. Yeah. We can do that with this. That's going to be $738. For an ace? It is expensive, but it is cheaper than therapy. That's crazy.
All in all, it's crazy to think that something you can buy now for a lot of money in a fancy store used to get people sent to prison. And many are still there. There are people here that were put in prison for weed crimes. It would be great if there was a radical exchange of wealth with people who have served time for something that politicians are making millions from now. Absolutely.
I don't know what I'm saying. I'm stoned. I still hadn't found anyone to smoke with besides the horny brownie lovers, but as usual, New York City didn't let me down. This is crazy. We're actually doing a story about people smoking weed in New York. Yeah, I'm smoking weed in New York right now. That's crazy. And you're doing it. Mm-hmm.
- What kind of weed is this? - So this is like sativa. It's a cookies blend, you know, classic. But I get it from a smoke shop. - You get it illegally from a deli? - Well, from a smoke shop, you gotta be careful with what you get. - Yeah. - Yeah, my guy showed me photos of where he grows and stuff, so I trust him. - Yeah, if he has a picture of it, it's definitely true.
which led me to address the most serious question that this issue had raised. I've got a dog at home. Like, do you think she loves me or do you think it's just like I'm the person that feeds her so she just plays ball? Your dog is love and that might be what you need. And even if it's not directed to you, that's the love you got. Like, that's your dog. So it doesn't matter.
I guess it doesn't really matter whether you get your weed from a fancy dispensary or as part of some tragically misguided drug war, as long as you smoke it with a friend. My dog is love. I could cry. That's so beautiful. Love. My dog is love. Love made a mess on the carpet. And love cleaned that mess up. It's all love.
We start tonight with the fundamental battle of the ages, not the one between good and evil. Evil won that immediately. I'm talking about the fight between marijuana and alcohol. Alcohol has had the upper hand for decades, but now it appears that marijuana is pulling ahead.
Well, for the first time ever, daily marijuana use is outpacing daily alcohol use. This is according to a new national study. Millions of people in the U.S. report using marijuana daily or nearly every day, according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Those people now outnumber those who say they are daily or near-daily drinkers of alcohol. That's right. Daily pot smokers are beating daily alcohol drinkers in the race to see who can escape their sad lives more quickly. Yeah!
But in some ways, it makes sense. You know, edibles are just much more efficient than booze. I mean, have you ever tried to get a trick-or-treater drunk? It's almost impossible.
Of course, the rising popularity of weed is a good reminder to the beer industry that they got lazy. They thought they could just sit back and relax while Tommy Chong bought every goddamn ad on Twitter, you know? Congrats, beer companies. You lost to that well-known, super ambitious, type A, hard-working go-getter Tommy Chong.
Now, weed and alcohol aside, the larger issue is that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be depending on all these substances in the first place. You know, life is much better when you're sober and we can really feel everything authentically. That's an epiphany I had on my weekly ayahuasca voyage, so...
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