TDS Time Machine | Air Travel
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♪ Lenovo, Lenovo ♪ - You're listening to Comedy Central. - Ever since United Airlines got in trouble for upgrading a passenger to wrestling class,

People have started paying close attention to how airlines treat customers. You know, there have been many viral videos of crazy stuff that's happening on airplanes. Uh, in fact, they're thinking about starting, uh, an airlines for WorldStar Airlines, right? And basically what happens is you're just gonna choose your section-- first-class economy or McDonald's parking lot-- and then if they have an emergency, phones drop down from the ceiling so that you can film yourself. "Ah, WorldStar!"

For more on the trends in travel, we turn to senior travel correspondent Ronny Chieng, everybody. - Thank you. - Thank you. Thanks, Trevor.

Look, flying sucks, right? It's always sucked. But back in the day, we just couldn't record how much it sucked. Now with camera phones, we can relive those terrible moments forever. This Delta pilot was actually caught hitting a passenger. Apparently trying to break up a fight between two passengers in a jetway. American immediately suspended a flight attendant who allegedly ripped a stroller away from the mother, nearly striking the child in the process. Hey, bud.

You do that to me and I'll knock you flat. - Another disturbing airline incident caught on camera. Two passengers throwing punches at each other. The man in red yelled, "You think I'm crazy? "The government is crazy." - No, dude, you're crazy, all right? Who fights in a Hawaiian shirt? He's like the angriest guy at the luau. Why is there no umbrella in my pina colada?

And what is this? Is this a new pre-flight routine? Here's your seatbelt, here are the exits. All right, now let's keep them off the belt, everybody. All right, well, it's still a good, clean fight. You think Detroit is tough? Try being in boarding zone five. Come on, people, we can't just keep fighting each other on airplanes. We have to come together and unite so we can fight other species. - A passenger stung by a scorpion. The United flight was heading from Houston to Calgary when the scorpion suddenly dropped from an overhead bin, landing on a passenger's head.

Why are we fighting desert animals in the sky? Okay, look, if a bird picks a fight with me, okay, maybe, right? But a scorpion, no, I'm not mentally prepared for that. And the worst part is when a scorpion stings me, I won't have the antidote because it's more than three ounces. Yeah.

Right, so now I'm dead like this rabbit United Airlines is dealing with another PR nightmare following the death of a giant rabbit They've come up a statement at the safety and well-being of all the animals that travel with us is of the utmost importance to United Airlines what makes matters worse was that Simon was a promising rabbit at 129 centimeters long his father Darius holds the Guinness World Records for being the biggest rabbit

Thanks a lot, United. You killed the Yao Ming of rabbits. Seriously, this is a professionally big rabbit. It's like first ballot Hall of Fame rabbit. Jesus, Ronnie, I-I fly, but I didn't realize flying had gotten so bad, man. Is there anything that the airlines can do? Well, I'm glad you asked, Trevor, okay? First of all, hey, airline, stop overbooking flights, okay? Yeah! This is what you do, okay? You count the seats on your plane,

And then you sell that number of tickets. That's it. Sorry, is that too difficult to understand? Okay, second thing. We don't need 20 websites searching each other for cheapest flights, okay? Just have one website. Call it the cheapest flights. That's it. We go there, we get the cheapest flights. And if there's a delay, they should pay us. Okay, that's how it works. And if we crash in the ocean, yeah. And if we crash in the ocean, we need knives under our seats. Otherwise, we're just sitting there like chicken McNuggets for sharks.

You know, uh, Ronnie, uh, actually, speaking of helping this, I read that, uh, Congress is having hearings today, and Congress is gonna figure out a way to make a passenger bill of rights. Great. Congress is in charge of airlines. Next time I go home, I'm driving. Thanks, Ronnie. Ronnie Chang, everybody. We'll be right back. Do you hate flying? Well, the airlines don't care.

First, it was shrinking legroom. Then it was the overhead bed space. Now American Airlines, they're thinking about making bathrooms smaller. The company announced that they're planning to make them only two feet wide in their new planes. American Airlines new planes will have 172 seats, 10 more than what they have now. - Yeah, bathrooms are gonna get even smaller on airplanes. This is why I always choose to check my deuces at the gates. You know, yeah, I get looks, but it's worth it.

You know, I honestly wonder what asshole thing airlines will come up with next. Are they just gonna have two people per seat? You know, someone will come up to you and be like, "Excuse me, hello." And you'll be like, "I'm sorry, am I in your seat?" And they'll be like, "No, you are my seat. That's what this says."

'Cause like, when does it end? You pay for extra luggage. You pay extra for leg room, extra to guarantee your seat. You know it's only a matter of time before they make you pay for different parts of the flight. It's gonna be like, "Sir, we're about to descend, so I'm gonna need you to exit the plane." You're like, "But we're still in the air." "Oh, you wanted the takeoff and landing package. Oh, you done up."

So they're trying to squeeze every single dime out of us. But, like, really, squeeze. In fact, to give you an idea of how small these American Airlines bathrooms would be, we're joined in the studio by our very own Desi Lydic, everybody. Thank you, Trevor. To show you what we're talking about, we built a full-scale model of American Airlines' proposed 24-inch bathroom, and it is like the walls are closing in, suffocating us like we're trapped in a hopeless marriage.

You know, there's barely enough room for a person to sit comfortably, wash their hands, or shave their bikini line at 30,000 feet. Trevor?

Thank you so much for that, Desi. In other news, President Trump today granted Kim Kardashian's request to commute the prison sentence of 63-year-old drug dealer Alice Marie Johnson. And you know, the thing about Kim Kardashian, like, have you ever noticed how she's such a great person who might one day be able to get me out of prison, which is why I'll never make another joke about her.

Yeah. 'Cause I mean, can you imagine? I'll be in jail crying like, "Kim, please tell the president I'm innocent." She'll be like, "First, can you tell that joke about me and Ray J?" And I'll be like, "So the joke is..." Sorry, uh, Desi? - Hmm? No. - What are you doing? - Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. - That's not a real bathroom. - It is now. - All right.

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Let's talk about flying. Now, it can be a terrifying experience. You're in a small building that's moving 500 miles an hour in constant fear of either crashing or having to act interested in what the person next to you is saying. Oh, that's right. I guess I never did think about who distributes phone charger cables. Yeah. But for some people, flying can be even harder. A college student in California is demanding an apology from Southwest Airlines after being escorted off a plane for speaking Arabic.

Wow. That is shocking. Americans can recognize Arabic? Wow.

It's so messed up. I didn't know speaking foreign languages was against airline regulations. And when I first heard this, I thought, well, maybe he was shouting and acting like he was a threat, but no, he was just being a person who speaks Arabic. - The woman sitting in front of him told the crew she overheard him making potentially threatening comments. - He was on the phone with his uncle in Baghdad and used the common Arabic expression, inshallah, or God willing.

Another passenger told security that Makhzumi was using Jihadist language, he was pulled off the plane and then questioned. - Wow, thrown off the flight for saying God willing. Yeah, I bet the full sentence was probably, God willing my fellow passengers won't throw me off the flight for no reason. Nope, nope, looks like they're taking me away. Well, God willing I won't get a cavity search. Nope, looks like that's happening as well.

And by the way, what did that passenger mean? He was using jihadist language. A language doesn't get owned by the worst people who use it. We don't call English the real housewives language. That's not how it works.

Arabic is a language. It's not an action. Now, now, now, look, this passenger who complained didn't know what she was talking about, and I understand that. And I understand why she was alarmed. It's because every day on TV, everyone is telling her to be alarmed. The entire Obama administration refuses even to utter the words "radical Islamic terrorism." There is a link between Islam and terrorism. There's a large group of violent extremist Muslims who are coming to kill me and you. A total and complete shutdown.

of Muslims entering the United States. Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim. And not all idiots are Fox News hosts, but all Fox News hosts are... Well, you'll figure it out. Um... But... But Southwest Airlines...

Here's what I think. Just because someone saw something and said something doesn't mean you guys have to do the wrong thing. As an airline, you shouldn't be racially profiling. That's the TSA's job. Like, the problem is that Southwest is getting a reputation for doing this.

A Maryland Muslim woman says she was humiliated after getting kicked off her flight because of her religion. The woman, Hakima Abdullah, who was wearing an Islamic headscarf at the time, says all she wanted to do was switch seats. Instead, she got the boot by a flight attendant. What she failed to mention was that she wanted to switch seats with the pilot. Now, now you'd think with this pattern, the least Southwest could do is offer an apology.

Southwest says the students' removal was, quote, a collaborative decision rooted in established procedure. Flight attendants are allowed to remove people off flights if they pose a threat to public safety. Oh, oh, really, Southwest? Yeah? You want to talk about public safety? Uh, maybe you should start by assigning seat numbers, because right now, every single flight is like a Black Friday sale. I had to trample three kids just to get a window seat. Three kids! You know how hard it is to enjoy a view with dead children at your feet?

Thank God I had a window to look pensively out of. What have I done? What have I done?

And Southwest, if you're trying to sell how seriously you take safety, then maybe stop making these pre-flight announcements. ♪ These days some airlines gone crazy ♪ ♪ Charging for each little thing ♪ ♪ All my flight attendants, all my flight attendants ♪ ♪ All my flight attendants, put your hands up, oh oh oh ♪ ♪ Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ♪ ♪ All right stop, buckle up and listen ♪

Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun what they're doing. Until the plane's going down and you can't remember the lyrics to the safety song. Yeah, because it's a song, people. So now, you know, like, you're gonna have to do that thing where you have to sing the whole song just to get to the part that you can't remember. The plane's going down and you're like, ah, what was it? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Stop, buckle up and listen. And then listen a bit. Oh, from the ceiling. Right, mass on the ceiling. Mass on the ceiling. Mass on the ceiling.

That does not make me feel safe. Planes are not a place where employees should be singing. It's not Cold Stone Creamery. I've never been into Cold Stone Creamery and been like, man, this is so much fun. I wish my life was in their hands. Since Southwest doesn't look like they'll change their policy, we at The Daily Show took the liberty of at least recording a pre-flight announcement that they can show to help their Muslim passengers. And this is what we came up with.

Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. Before takeoff, here are a few ways our Muslim passengers can avoid terrifying their fellow travelers. Don't bring a bag on your flight because bags can have bombs in them. Instead, carry your possessions in your arms at all times.

If you speak Arabic, don't. It's a scary language. But don't not speak either because that's also super suspicious. Instead, memorize some common English phrases. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Be considerate to your non-Muslim seatmates. Give them fair warning before you make any movements with your hands. I'm about to buckle my seatbelt, not detonate a suicide vest.

And most important, please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exit so that in the event of an angry mob, you'll know where to go with your parachute. Thank you, Muslims, for still somehow choosing Southwest. You are now free to move about the country as long as Linda in 11C is cool with it.

If you have a flight coming up, you may want to be careful about what you drink. Because a new study looked at the water safety from a dozen major airlines. And those airlines with the cleanest water are Alaska Airlines, Allegiant, Hawaiian Air, Frontier, and Southwest. While the dirtiest water is found on board Delta Air.

American, United, JetBlue, and Spirit Airlines. That might surprise you, right? The study suggests sticking with bottled water on planes and avoiding the coffee and tea. You can also use hand sanitizer instead of washing your hands in the bathroom. Yes. Turns out if you've been drinking water on a plane, your bowels may be in danger. And honestly, this was surprising to me. Because I always knew that the water in the bathroom wasn't for drinking, right? You use that to wash your feet. But

I didn't know that the water they serve you can also be dirty. Like, how does it get that bad? Like, do they take the hot towels from business class and squeeze the water into cups for economy? Is that what they do? You're just like, "Mm, what does that taste?" "Sir, that is the taste of success."

And that list was pretty interesting as well. You've got Alaskan at the top, and then all the way at the bottom is Spirit Airlines. And I know, I know some people think Spirit should be ashamed that they're number ten, but to be honest, I was impressed that they have water on their flights. Yeah, normally the only refreshments on Spirit are your own tears of regret. Spirit Airlines, our water's the least of your problems.

If you love flying, but you hate crying babies, well, then maybe you should be flying to Japan. Japan Airlines is coming to the rescue of travelers who don't want to sit near a crying baby. Japan Airlines' seat selection map now shows where babies will be seated on upcoming flights. This is good news for parents traveling with children as well, since they can try to congregate around fellow travelers with babies who won't mind being around them. Yes.

What a genius move. Japan Airlines will show you where the babies are on a plane before you book your seats. It's the best invention in flying since the seat-back tray. Yeah. Yeah, because before the tray, when you asked for orange juice, you just had to be like, "Yes, please. Yes." I-I love this idea. I want to see where the babies are on a flight, 'cause there's nothing worse than thinking you're gonna sleep on a plane, but then you realize you're sitting next to a tiny, crazy person. 'Cause that's what babies are. Just a tiny, crazy person just screaming and shitting themselves. "Aah!"

Then they eat their feet. What are you? I also hope this means more babies will sit next to each other. Yeah. Because that's the only way you can ever get a baby to stop crying. Have you ever been around babies, right? Like, there's one baby crying, and then have you noticed when a baby sees another baby crying, like, they'll be like, ah, and then another baby will be like, ah, and they'll be like, whoa, what's going on there? They'll be like, this person's weird. Is that... Is someone gonna deal with this?

So I love the idea. I also don't think we should stop there. Yeah. I don't just want to know where the babies are on a plane. I also want to know where the dude who snores is gonna be on the plane, all right? I want to know where the person who gets up and goes to the bathroom five times an hour is gonna be on a plane. And I definitely want to know where the people who talk to you the whole flight are gonna be on the plane, all right? Talking is for the runway. Once we get over 10,000 feet, you shut up. I'm not your friend. We talk here. How are you tonight? Oh, where you flying? Cool. Ah, seatbelt sign. When that goes off, your mouth goes off as well.

So congrats to Japan Airlines for letting me see the seats with the crying babies. And congrats to Spirit Airlines, who have announced a new feature that lets you see where the adults will be crying. Spirit Airlines, you'll wish you were sitting next to a baby.

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Millions of people will be traveling for the holidays next week, and just in time, our favorite airline has made a major announcement. Spirit Airlines unveiled its redesigned cabin that features more comfortable seats and bigger tray tables. Spirit says the seats will offer two extra inches of usable legroom and full-size tables. The change coming after the carrier faced a lot of criticism over the years about thin seats and tight legroom space. The new interior is currently installed on one airplane so far...

but the plan is to try and make it available across the entire fleet. - Yeah, Emirate Airlines has finally upgraded their planes, and can I just say I'm so proud? More leg room, a full-size tray table, and just look at those seats, huh? I mean, sure, it looks like they stole them from the Delta terminal, but still, but still. And you also could argue that a full-size tray table is a weird thing to brag about, but on the bright side, now you have room to put the meal they don't give you. This is great.

So congratulations, Spirit. I mean, we dissed them a lot on the show, but this is a big improvement over their old seats, which were just a dirty couch they found on the street. I think that's great. Airplanes. There used to be a magical way to travel in style, but these days, they're so cramped and frustrating, it's turning into Fight Club in the sky.

A passenger on a recent American Airlines flight says a man assaulted her by continuously punching her seat. See that guy back there punching that woman's seat? So that is Wendy Williams sitting in the seat there. She said the man initially asked her to recline up while he ate. She says she obliged, and when the man was done eating, she reclined back again. That's when she said he kept hammering away at her.

at the back of her seat. You could just see him punching, punching, punching, punching. In a statement to CBS News, American Airlines says they are aware of this and looking into the issue. Really, people? This is just childish. And I mean for both of these passengers. First of all, guy punching, right? If this woman is reclining into your space, you don't hit the back of her seat. Come on, grow up, do the mature thing. You call the flight attendant over and you tell them you saw this lady putting drugs up her butt. That's what you do.

And as for the reclining woman, do you really need to recline, huh? Does that extra two inches help you relax? There's nothing relaxing about flying. You're trapped inside a bullet full of farts. Just sit upright for a couple of hours. I don't understand these fights. If you ask me, these two passengers shouldn't be mad at each other. They should be mad at the airline. Think about it.

They're the ones who keep squeezing all those seats closer and closer, making the rest of us fight for the overhead bins and all the space. Pretty soon, flying is gonna turn into The Hunger Games. Yeah. They're just gonna put one bag of pretzels in the aisle and be like, "All right, passengers, lunch has been served. May the odds be ever in your favor." With all this money Congress is sending overseas, you might be wondering, "Hey, when does Ronnie get a little taste of this, hmm? Yeah, when's the government gonna do a little something for me, hmm?"

The Biden administration revealing new airline passenger rights, protecting folks from hidden fees and other frustrations of flying, like the refund policy for flight delays. Passengers must now get automatic cash refunds when a flight is canceled for any reason or delayed by more than three hours for domestic flights, more than six hours for international. OK, cash refunds. That's something. Yeah, yeah.

I'm always having airplane delays. Yeah, that is pretty good. I mean, but, you know, delays is only a small part of the problem. I mean, what if, you know, when, like, airlines make you change airports or they add connections and they're always just trying to screw you over. If the airline changes any of your airports, adds connections, downgrades your seat, or even changes the plane to one that's less accessible to those with disabilities, those are all new reasons for cash refunds. Okay.

I'm cautiously optimistic. It's good. You got my attention. It is pretty good. In fact, it feels a little too good to be true. But hey, I guess all I have to worry about now is losing my luggage and shitty Wi-Fi. If your checked bags aren't delivered within as little as 12 hours or your Wi-Fi doesn't work, you're entitled to refunds.

This is the greatest thing the government has ever done in history. I mean, the New Deal wasn't pretty. No, in history. In history. Jordan, the man is refunding you for Wi-Fi in the sky. That doesn't work. What more could you want? I mean, you still got to fix that thing with the doors falling off. Okay, we'll get into that. But thank you, Joe Biden. Thank you for making my life better. Now just bring back Roe v. Wade so I don't have to sit next to a crying baby on a red eye.

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