Shownotes Transcript
Today, teens can download any app from app stores, even ones parents don't want them to. Congress can change that by putting parents in charge of teen app downloads. That's why Instagram supports federal legislation requiring app store parental approval and age verification for teens under 16. Three out of four parents agree they should approve teen app downloads because giving parents control helps keep teens safe online. Learn more at Instagram.com slash parentalapproval.
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Let's begin with explosive news! Secrets are out about the war in Afghanistan. Not just a leak, but a flood of secret documents. 92,000 documents. It's the biggest leak in U.S. military history. Really? 92,000 pages? I would hope that would be the biggest leak. Seeing as that beats the Pentagon Papers by, I don't know, 85,000 pages?
Perhaps this might be an appropriate time to let leakers of military documents know it's not a competition. So, uh, some, uh, some top secret s***, hmm? We just came from an off-camera session with Colonel Dave LaPan, a Pentagon spokesman. He says it looks to be secret in nature, not top secret. Oh, it's just secret!
I was worried. I thought it was top secret. It's just secret. That is a much lower security classification than top secret. It actually goes, Army classification-wise, secret, then top secret, and then, of course, I believe pop secret. That is where all of our military information is encoded in fluffy and delicious butter-coated kernels. Oh. So pernicious.
An intelligence breach of this magnitude must have been coordinated by a conspiracy of high-level masterminds with ninja-like powers of concealment. Last May, a California computer hacker was contacted online by someone calling himself Bradass87. He said he was an army intelligence analyst deployed to Baghdad who had access to classified networks that showed incredible things, awful things, that belong in the public domain. Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Brad Ass 87, really? The incredible super mole spy went by the name Brad Ass 87 and told the computer hacker that he was in Army Intelligence. Let me take a whack at trying to solve this. Maybe I've been watching Bones too much, but computer, search through the files looking for an Army specialist named Brad who's 87 years old. No, wait! Born in 1987. And go.
On May 26th, Army Specialist Brad Manning, born in 1987, was arrested outside of Baghdad and is now in a military prison. How did they find him? How did they do it? Well in, Sherlock. By the way, Brad, you also might want to delete your armyspecialist.bradmanning.com backslash leak guy at itwasme.bradmanning.com.
Does Bradass87 have any idea what he's done to the American military? Not to mention what he's done to the life of Dove soap heir Bradford Assington the 87th. Hasn't he suffered enough? For Christ's sake, the 87th generation of Assingtons. The world can't change that last name. That's why he's a douchebag. Is that... I'm just curious. Is that a stock photo? I'm over it. There's probably a guy somewhere going, I thought it was Joe. Look, uh...
Maybe Manning didn't need a secret name. Maybe his data collection skills were that stealth. He allegedly also described how he downloaded the classified information. I would come in with music on a CD labeled with something like Lady Gaga and erase the music, recording intelligence onto the CD instead, allegedly writing that he lip-synced to Lady Gaga while exfiltrating possibly the largest data spillage in American history. I believe the obvious question here is,
How does a soldier sit around lip-syncing to Lady Gaga all day and not run afoul of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? That has got to be a substitute for telling, no? So Wikileaks.org has posted 92,000 classified documents about the Afghan war online. Well, let's take a look. What is the, uh, is it, oh, okay. Apparently our war strategy in Afghanistan is being encoded in Justin Bieber's Twitter account. Any news organizations out there taking the time to maybe wade through these documents and...
boil it down a bit for us? The leaked records give precise accounts of missions gone horribly wrong. Helicopters shot down. Two religious schools are providing 95% of suicide attackers. There is also horrifying detail about civilian deaths in 2007. Pakistan's military intelligence agency, the ISI, is helping the Afghan insurgency attack American troops.
What the Pakistan is doing? Millions of dollars of aid. Pakistan is funneling that money to the Taliban? One of the chief financial contributors to our enemy is us? We have ostensibly put a hit out on ourselves.
This is insanity! Or to put it another way... Oh, I think there's nothing new really here. This is sort of a storm in a teacup. The substance, frankly, is not new. On the content, there really is nothing essentially fundamentally new. Yeah, see, I'm not reacting to the newness of it. I'm reacting to the f***ing uppiness of it. What does it take to get you guys... What does it... What does it do?
Seriously, what all these documents are doing is exposing the existential trap we find ourselves in in Afghanistan. I guess it's no kid may or may not be in balloon. That was crazy. That whole afternoon I was like, is he in there? Have you heard the news? Extra, extra. Future President Hillary Clinton may have to pardon former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
a bombshell report that Hillary Clinton may have violated the law during her time at the State Department. - Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. What did she do? Did she funnel arms to ISIS to pay for a land deal in Arkansas? Did she sell Alaska back to the Russians in exchange for their silence on Benghazi? What did she do? Pad her resume with fake countries she supposedly negotiated treaties with? I should have known there was no such thing as pants-sudistan.
Hit me with the bad news. It appears that while she was Secretary of State, she did not have an official email account at all. Oh, is that against the law not to have an email? I mean, it seems less of a scandal and more of like a nerd snap. Like, oh, she's so old she doesn't even have an official email account. I mean, what's the big deal about not having an email account? Or what am I missing here?
Hillary Clinton may have broken federal record-keeping rules by using a personal email account instead of a State Department account. The official rules are that you're supposed to use government accounts, which are saved for public record and are considered more secure. Oh, okay. Well, that's not nothing. That's... She should have done that, right? But don't we have a facility in Utah that collects all of our email anyway?
Solving the whole archive problem? Can't you just ask them or they don't talk to you either. Why is this coming out now? Wasn't it clear to anybody who emailed Secretary Clinton during that time that her email address was her personal email? When somebody in the White House, in the West Wing, had an email to send to the Secretary of State,
Did they just use her private email? How did they get in contact with her? Did that never raise a flag inside the West Wing? And did it not also raise a red flag in the West Wing that her personal email was, don't tell anyone about this account at secret slash shh dot definitely not gov? Come on, it's not like the State Department didn't eventually get all the Clinton emails that Clinton decided they should get.
In 2014, Clinton did hand over 55,000 pages after the State Department sent a written request for the records. Aides say they tossed out Clinton's personal notes, like memos on her daughter's wedding. I believe it is a sign that you have been in government too long when you write memos about your daughter's wedding. Re the happiest day of your life. Your father and I look very forward to sharing the event with you. We love you very much. Dictated, not read.
I think the concern there is that the aides are the ones who get to decide which emails are appropriate to be shared as opposed to an independent arbiter. That's why Doritos doesn't get to decide which ingredients consumers need to know about. Or why you don't get to tell the cops which pockets to search. Wait, officer, not that one. That's my weed pocket. And those other two gentlemen are my...
Is there another reason that she didn't need to archive her emails with state? Secretary Powell wrote about this in his book. He had a personal laptop installed in his office so he could use personal email. But I think the regulation started in 2009, no? Wasn't that four years after Powell left? And I mean, if Colin Powell was using a personal email address, they didn't really have rules on personal emails yet because, you know, back then email wasn't really as prevalent. Laptops, which
May explain why Powell felt the need to install one in his office. How can we know that Clinton even turned over all her relevant emails? She has taken steps to preserve those records by providing the State Department with the 55,000 pages. I think 55,000 is a pretty big number. It is a big number. There are bigger.
A million. And it's not as big as the number of pages Clinton actually had, but that's the crazy thing about numbers. You know, you can always top them. Somebody be like, you have 100 Dalmatians? That's a load of Dalmatians. I can't imagine anyone having more than 100 Dalmatians. And then some lady being like, 101. That is a lot of Dalmatians, actually.
But if that's, you know, how everybody feels, why not just say that Secretary Clinton did turn over all her emails? She provided a huge, you know, a large amount, those 55,000. Just say it's everything. Well, how can I? I mean, Brad, I'm not in her email. If you were in her email, you'd be starring in the most boring Tron sequel of all time. Tron 2, the inbox.
Oh, no, they're spam. Today, teens can download any app from app stores, even ones parents don't want them to. Congress can change that by putting parents in charge of teen app downloads. That's why Instagram supports federal legislation requiring app store parental approval and age verification for teens under 16. Three out of four parents agree they should approve teen app downloads because giving parents control helps keep teens safe online.
Learn more at Instagram.com slash parental approval. Cauliflower has done it again. And pickle lovers, this one's for you. Introducing the first and only frozen dill pickle pizza. And it's going to blow your taste buds away. This one of a kind creation starts with Cauliflower's iconic stone fired crust made with real cauliflower florets. Now topped with the number one trending flavor of the year. Picture a luxurious creamy white sauce infused with savory dill pickle brine
Garlic roasted to perfection. Melty mozzarella cheese and fresh dill. It's a flavor explosion that's as unique as it is craveable. And because it's Kali Power, you know it's made better for you. It's gluten-free, clean label, and packed with 14 grams of protein. And best of all, you can eat half the pizza for just 400 calories.
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Today, once again, by the way, we begin our program with a continuing saga of WikiLeaks, a 250,000-page document dump that, like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is endless and fascinating to pick through. And if you know anything about my family, should, of course, remain classified. The release of many embarrassing and possibly damaging diplomatic cables has introduced the world to a new supervillain, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Assange. Shep, am I pronouncing that right?
WikiLeaks and its founder, this man, Julian Assange. Ah, Assange. Thank you, Chef. Assange is the founder of WikiLeaks, a site not to be confused with WookieeLeaks, where for $10.99 a month, you can... Self-explanatory, really.
This is Wikileaks, a website whose sole purpose is to expose information. So who is this Osama? Working in secrecy, he hides the location of computer service to ward off cyber attack and hides his own location, moving and changing names and email addresses to ward off arrest. Clearly they are working with terrorist organizations. I believe they've become one themselves. Ah, clearly! Assange is Osama bin Laden crossed with Magneto.
And the albino from The Matrix with more than a scooch of the Dyson vacuum guy. Yeah. It's mostly the Dyson vacuum guy, quite frankly. Anyway. What hath Assange been Dyson wrought?
Cables that reportedly show Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice before her ordered U.S. embassies and intelligence services to gather private information on U.N. leaders and diplomats. Yemen's President Saleh telling General David Petraeus about strikes in Yemen will continue saying the bombs are ours, not yours. German Chancellor Merkel avoids risk and is rarely creative.
Afghan President Karzai is driven by paranoia. Dmitry Medvedev plays Robin to Mr. Putin's Batman. Ahmadinejad is Hitler. Italy's foreign minister is calling this leak a diplomatic 9/11. Well, then he's a f***ing idiot. I mean, not for nothing, but if this is the diplomatic 9/11, sack up. I'll give you its diplomatic mischief night, maybe.
But most of the s*** in there is non-policy chit-chat and things we already knew. And quite frankly, Ahmadinejad is Hitler? I think he might take that as a compliment. A peace offering towards a detente. I mean, transparency is a good thing. Government wrongdoing should be ferreted out. Although, just because something's secret doesn't necessarily mean it's nefarious. How's Secretary of State Hillary Clinton dealing with the blowback? Madam Secretary, are you embarrassed by these leaks personally, professionally? Is she embarrassed?
Were you alive in the '90s? Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? You know she's married to this guy, right? I think she's built up a bit of an embarrassment tolerance. It'd be like splitting a Mike's Hard Lemonade with Keith Richards and going, "Should I call you a cab? Are you too up to drive?"
Not that there weren't some embarrassing details. In the effort to close Guantanamo, the State Department plays what the New York Times calls, let's make a deal. Slovenia, for example, is told that if it wants to get a meeting with President Obama, it needs to take a prisoner. Sounds a little desperate. Offering foreign leaders face time with the president in exchange for taking a Gitmo detainee. It could hopefully be more effective than Obama's original, take a prisoner, leave a prisoner jar. So, ultimately...
Very few took, a lot of people left. Ultimately an interesting yet somewhat less explosive and less than searing indictment. So why Assange? Why? Assange? I'm sorry, Assange. Why Assange? What drives you? I'm a combative person, so I like crushing bastards. So it is deeply, personally, deeply satisfying to me. I think you're underestimating how cynical Americans are about our government already.
We've engineered coups in Chile, Iran, Guatemala, etc. We sold arms to Iran and then used the money to fund Central American revolutionaries. We sell weapons to our enemy's enemy who somehow always then becomes our enemy and forces us to defend ourselves from our own weapons. That happens a lot. In fact, you know what we call that? The number eight. It takes a lot.
to unimpress us, you really should read up about the s*** we already know about us. So unless in these WikiLeaks we're gonna find out that the aliens from Area 51 killed Kennedy, stop with the drama. For more on the story, we go to our senior intelligence correspondent, Asif Manvi. Asif! Asif! What is... What is all this WikiLeaks? Well, John, it's the 21st century. What I've coined the Information Age. A glorious...
Thank you. A glorious utopian data scape in which everyone has a right to know everything about everyone. It's why I get to see your penis at the airport. You're not... You don't get to... I'm not gonna let you see my penis. Why? What are you hiding? I'm hiding my penis. Oh. Oh, really? Yes. Is there something about your penis that you don't want us to know about? Yes.
Are you in favor or are you not in favor of transparency? But, Asif, that's not transparency. Transparency is being open to the public on important issues and processes so that the public can make informed decisions. Ah, again, Rip Van, old grandpa man. Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know. Because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping it from me. Like your penis.
So your, your, your, my penis is a metaphor? Sure. That helps you sleep at night? All right. You know, should everything, Asif, be out there? If there's total transparency, we won't really see anything. Oh, an old 20th century man driving my car to get food. People still do that. You don't do, I'm not that much older than you are. Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's count the rings on your penis. That's not, I'm down.
Stop with the penis already! I know, I know, John. I'm annoying you. But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark of a free press. That's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important. It's basically our generation's Pentagon Papers. Well, the Pentagon Papers exposed blatant lies about how the government got us into the Vietnam War, how they continued to mislead us
about the war's progress even the most cynical reading up these documents I don't think rises to that indictable a lot of men to man now it's about the beautiful anarchy have information it shows that what the government says in private is not necessarily what it says in public doesn't know that that seems like a relatively but not going to be made not all information is equal though of
And that's why your fly will always be up and my generations will always be down. Your fly is down? Always. Thank you, Asif. Asif Manvi, everybody. We'll be right back.
Do you guys remember last week when the Trump administration was in the deepest after the James Comey firing? Specifically because Trump's sudden dismissal of Comey further raised suspicions of his relations with Russia. And then remember how literally the day after that, the day after that, he hosted Russians, two top diplomats in the Oval Office. You remember that? Yeah? And then we were all like, man, it can't get any worse. We were wrong.
Breaking news tonight. President Trump reportedly revealed highly classified information to Russia's foreign minister and Russia's ambassador in a White House meeting last week. This according to The Washington Post, which cites current and former U.S. officials as saying that Trump's disclosures jeopardized a critical source of intelligence on the Islamic State. Do it! No, I knew something was up when we saw President Trump with the Russians, and they were smiling.
There's only two times a Russian man smiles-- the day he dies and this. I mean, once again, this sounds like a story that we would invent, right? Trump invites the Russians into the Oval Office, and then in his meeting starts bragging, "I get great intel. I have people brief me on great intel every day." And then proceeds to give them the intel. He probably doesn't even know what intel is short for.
My Intellivision is the best. It gets the highest ratings. Best ratings of all. What's really sad about this is that Donald Trump is trying to impress the Russians with the fact that he's president? They know. The guy's there like, yeah, do you guys know that I'm president? And they're like, yes, that is how we planned it. Yes, of course. Like...
Like, right now, right now, if I were Putin back in Moscow, I would be like, "This is a trap, no? No, it has to be. No, it can't be this easy. Come on. Come on." Because you know they thought it was gonna be a lot harder, right? They were probably trying to figure out how to hide bugs in the Oval Office, you know, figuring out where to put everything. And Trump was like, "Hey, what's that? Is that a microphone? I love those. Hello. One-two, one-two. Here are my secrets."
Now, before you get your hopes up, the White House has already called the Washington Post's report false. And in any case, even if it wasn't called that, the chance of Donald Trump getting into trouble for this is next to nothing. Because, you see, a president, almost by definition, can't leak classified information. Once a president says it, it's declassified. That's the law. It's a crazy law, but it's true.
But I'm sorry, right now, it feels like Trump is doing everything he criticized Hillary for doing during the campaign. Mishandling national security secrets under threat of an FBI investigation. At this rate, next week, he's gonna faint in public. Just be like, I also lost my shoe. I will say this, though, people. At least now we know there's no aliens. Yeah.
Because if there were, Donald Trump would have told us by now. Like, he would have leaked it immediately. "E.T. used my Samsung to phone home. He did it, folks!" So the good news is Trump listens during intel briefings. And the bad news is Trump listens during intel briefings. Let's move on from one piece of work to another. Donald Johnson & Johnson baby-powdered Trump. The ex-president most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet-T-shirt contest.
Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential records asked the Justice Department to investigate Trump's improper handling of official documents. And, like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken, you know? Like, if there was a Guinness Book of World Records for crime, he'd probably steal the book.
But yeah, according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he read them, right? He took boxes of material with him to Mar-a-Lago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most Trump thing that he possibly could have done with some of these documents. - We're beginning with breaking news. Staff members at the White House residence discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet
on more than one occasion during the Trump administration and believed that it was the former president himself who was trying to flush documents. I learned that staff in the White House residence would periodically find the toilet clogged. The engineer would have to come and fix it. And what the engineer would find would be wads of, you know, clumped up, wet,
printed paper, um, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper. It could be Post-Its, it could be notes he wrote to himself, it could be other things, we don't know, but it certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what we know about how he handled material in the White House. You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them. And-and-and by the way, I will say this. I know it's easy for us to all go, "Trump was trying to obstruct justice. That's what this was!"
But you do remember at the start of the pandemic, there was a shortage of what? And I don't know about you guys, but when there's no toilet paper, state documents start to look mighty tempting.
It also does explain why Trump was always complaining about toilets. You remember how he always did that? People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. They end up using more water. Yeah, they're flushing it 10 times, 15 times. No, dude, you were flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times because you were shoving your homework down the toilet. I mean, everyone assumed he was a man who clogged the White House toilets, but no one ever thought we'd have to ask the question, "But with what?"
Now, of course, Trump denies all of this. He says he never clogged any toilets ever. Smooth as poo of all time. So the big question is, who's telling the truth? Well, luckily, we have an exclusive interview with the only man who knows what the truth is. So we're gonna go out live right now to the White House to chat to that man. Sir, I understand that you are the official White House plumber. That's right. It's-a me, Carl Schwartz. I know.
Well, doing well. Thank you so much for joining us, Mr. Schwartz. As the White House plumber, we'd love for you to tell us everything you know about Trump flushing documents down the toilet. All right, let me stop you right there, Chief, okay? Sorry to disappoint you, but I can't. It's the plumber's code.
The Plumber's Code? That's right. It's the iron code all plumbers live by. One, never tell a toilet secrets. Two, always round up the bill. Three, no visible butt crack. Trying to break that stereotype. So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know about Trump's toilet, no matter what. Oh, come on!
Alright fine, I'll tell ya. I was in Trump's bathroom almost every day pulling paper out of the toilet. I unclogged so many classified documents they had to give me top secret clearance. I'm talking CIA briefings, diplomatic cables, the medical experiments that created Rudy Giuliani. Honestly, some of the stuff I didn't understand what it meant. Like I found this one document that just says "Nuke Spain?" Oh wow. Yeah.
You must have been pretty frustrated with President Trump giving you so much unnecessary work. Are you kidding me? I love President Trump! He made my job more interesting and he trusted me with our nation's top secrets. Unlike certain other presidents who just use the toilet to poop or pee. Obama.
I don't know why you said it like that. You could have, we knew who the, anyway, let me ask you this. Was Trump the only one in the White House who was flushing documents? Did Vice President Pence do it? - No, no, no. Mike Pence never even used the bathroom. He actually doesn't have any holes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an emergency I have to deal with. Kamala Harris has been locked in the bathroom for the past year. - Oh wow, is that where she's been? Well, good luck with that and thank you so much, Mr. Schwartz. - You got it, Chief. - Did he say no holes?
Today, teens can download any app from app stores, even ones parents don't want them to. Congress can change that by putting parents in charge of teen app downloads. That's why Instagram supports federal legislation requiring app store parental approval and age verification for teens under 16. Three out of four parents agree they should approve teen app downloads because giving parents control helps keep teens safe online. Learn more at Instagram.com slash parentalapproval.
Cauliflower has done it again, and pickle lovers, this one's for you. Introducing the first and only frozen dill pickle pizza, and it's going to blow your taste buds away. This one-of-a-kind creation starts with Cauliflower's iconic stone-fired crust, made with real cauliflower florets, now topped with the number one trending flavor of the year. Picture a luxurious creamy white sauce infused with savory dill pickle brine,
Garlic roasted to perfection, melty mozzarella cheese, and fresh dill. It's a flavor explosion that's as unique as it is craveable. And because it's Kali Power, you know it's made better for you. It's gluten-free, clean label, and packed with 14 grams of protein. And best of all, you can eat half the pizza for just 400 calories.
Find Kali Power's Dill Pickle Pizza now at Whole Foods Market nationwide. It's time to taste the buzz everyone's talking about, and it's kind of a big deal.
Bring spring to your door with Target Circle 360. Get all you need for Easter hosting, spring get-togethers, and more with unlimited same-day delivery through Target Circle 360. From Easter basket goodies to fresh florals, getting everything the same day is easy. Open the Target app and bring the magic of the season to your door with unlimited same-day delivery through Target Circle 360. Visit Target.com slash Circle or the Target app for more details. Subscription required. Same-day delivery is subject to terms. Applies to orders over $35.
Oh, my God. FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Mar-a-Lago. The FBI, people, raided a former president's house. This is huge! This is bigger than when the feds investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone.
And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January 6th or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD. No, apparently, apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House. And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime.
At any moment, at any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up. He's got a crime that he's doing now. He's got a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey, but of crimes, you know? Every day I'm like, does he have the same hours in the day as me? He gets so much done. Now, if you remember, if you remember, earlier this year, the feds already had to go down to Mar-a-Lago and take back 15 boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have. But apparently they think there's more hidden on the property, right? And I believe that. I believe that too.
I mean, like, Trump's not gonna keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person. That was the same dude who buried his ex-wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that. And, yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a former president. That is true. That has never happened in American history. But don't forget, Donald Trump has also never happened in American history. Everything is an anomaly with this man.
I mean, like, why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person he interacts with is like, "Yo, have I got a up story for you?" And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail, but no, Trump's got busted for taking work home with him. What a nerd.
Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of the situation, which is why he has refrained from comment while the legal process is pe- Nah, I'm joking with you. Come on. The guy released a statement immediately. Immediately. He read, "These are dark times for our nation."
As my beautiful home, Mar-a-Lago, in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided and occupied by a large group of FBI agents. They even broke into my safe. What's the difference between this and Watergate? What's the difference?
I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful. ♪ How could they do this to my beautiful heart? ♪ Also... Also, this is completely different from Watergate, all right? For one thing, the guys breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off the documents, but the other big thing, the other big difference is that the raid was legal, all right? It was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who, by the way,
was appointed by Donald Trump himself after he got rid of, like, 17 other heads of the FBI, because they didn't want to do crimes with Donald Trump. So now the big mystery is, what did the FBI find? Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took
was his heart. What could they possibly think existed inside of Mar-a-Lago in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the attorney general of the United States would have to raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there? I don't know. They'll probably find a note from me telling him how proud I am of him and what a great job he was doing as president. They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some nice...
you know, headlines, maybe a nice note from you, Sean. "Oh, Eric, you silly, silly man."
Did Daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go? Hmm? Hidden away somewhere safe? They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge in any way, Eric. That's why I lock them up right next to my wedding ring. That's what I do. Now, aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic.
Like, because apparently they had to break into it, right? So now you're like, how did they do it? Did they blow it open or did they just correctly guess the code was 6969? Honestly, I'd be surprised. I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe. Because a safe is where you keep your most prized possessions. So in my head, flushing through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this.
All right, guys, let's see what we have in here. All right. My God. The entire safe is just filled with McRib after McRib. This is... This is... They're stacked on top of each other. This is... I don't even understand. It's an unventilated safe. Who would do this? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. There's a secret panel in the bottom. I think we found it. We just found... Nope, another McRib, boys. Another McRib. Now, you might be wondering... You might be wondering...
Isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes, it is. It is. You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes, right? Because nobody in America is above the law, except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes. But aside from them, nobody is above the law. But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's trust in governments. So it's a really tricky situation.
And the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds. Or if you're Fox News, you can just freak out right now.
This is an abomination. This is Gestapo crap. It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI. This is a wake-up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene simply tweeting defund the FBI. If this is what they're able to do to the former president of the United States, think about it.
about what they could do to you, to anybody in America. The real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real target of this investigation is you. - Do we have a dual justice system in America? Is there equal justice under the law? - I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not put assassination
behind these people. - We're entering a, basically, a Venezuelan, Zimbabwean, East German-style Banana Republic in which the law doesn't matter. - This is some third world bullshit right here. Let me say it again, third world bullshit. All right, first of all, as someone from the third world, maybe leave us out of your shit for once, huh? How about this is some third world bullshit right here.
Every time, every time Americans want to call something in America that's corrupt, all of a sudden they're like, "Oh, this is third world bullshit." My man, at what point do you realize that it's happening here? It's you. It's you. Bad things only happen in other countries. When it's here, it's still happening in another country. In fact, when something happens in the actual third world, yeah, these days America's gotten so bad, people in Africa are like, "Are you kidding me? This is just like America. Ah, no. This place is doing here. That's how we do it."
But I do get what Super Karen is saying. If the FBI... if the FBI is gonna go after Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House, then what's to stop them from going after you when you steal classified documents from the White House? Is that the country we want to live in where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes? I don't think so!
It has been one month since the FBI raided Donald Trump's beautiful Mar-a-Lago home and stole his beautiful top secret documents. And we're still getting new information every day. Like it just came out that one of the documents in Trump's possession had secret information about a foreign country's nuclear defense capabilities. Yeah, so now America needs to send out letters to every country in the world like those ones you get from your credit card company.
You know, it's like, "So there was a data breach and you're probably going to want to change your nuclear codes."
But even if you think you've been following the story closely, you haven't really, unless you know how they're covering it on Fox News. So for that perspective, here's Desi Lydic with another installment of Foxplains. What is the secret document scandal really about? Why is it happening now? On a scale of one to the most innocent man who's ever lived, how innocent is Donald Trump? Well, I've been watching Fox News for 26 days straight, and I'm ready to Foxplain the biggest witch hunt since Dorothy skipped down that yellow brick road with a robot in a hurry.
People, this wasn't a search. This was a raid. The woke FBI smashed a window and broke in and Merrick Garland took a bubble bath in Trump's tub and erased everything.
everything on his DVR. He was catching up on Abbott Elementary, Merrick. What Donald Trump did was normal. Everyone brings work home, even when they no longer work there. After I got fired from H&M, I brought home an entire cash register. It is totally normal and not illegal. Joe Brandon's Department of Justice is out of control. Congratulations, FBI. You did it. You found Melania's top secret underwear.
Can I see it? Seriously? Donald Trump took documents? Documents? This is no worse than what Hillary did, which was terrible and she should go to prison, which is why Trump should not go to prison. Do I have to list why it's okay that he has the documents? Okay. Attorney-client privilege, executive privilege, white privilege, diplomatic immunity, uh, the Kavanaugh hearings? Trump is technically still the president because he never gave us two weeks notice. Double jeopardy.
That's gotta be a thing, right? Seriously? We're prosecuting Trump on the Espionage Act? You're trying to get an American president on a French word? I don't think so, Pepe Le Pew. No. Uh-uh. No. No. No.
No. America, if you are not so outraged that you forgot to pick your children up from school every day last week, then you are not paying attention. Where's the raid on Hunter Biden's laptop? Oh right, the laptop is sitting in a five-star hotel getting a massage and eating caviar. From China. If they indict Trump for this, there will be riots in the streets. And if they don't indict him, there will also be riots in the streets. Just like on January 6th, which was not a riot, it was a normal tourist activity, which is good or bad. Either
I will not be picking up my kids from school that day. Sorry, sweeties. This is just another deep state hoax and a major distraction from the real story. Joe Biden gave a speech when it was dark out. That's all for this week. Bye, everyone. Merrick Garland is a space elf. Okay, you guys remember that for the past six months, we've been roasting the shit out of Donald Trump for keeping classified documents at his house? And I have to agree. What kind of morons
I mean, what kind of irresponsible piece of shit would keep classified documents at his house? I mean, he's got to be the only dumbass that would do something so stupid. Breaking news from the White House. More classified documents were found in President Biden's Delaware home. Just roll the damn tape.
This morning, President Biden is facing growing calls for transparency from Republicans and even some Democrats amid the special counsel's investigation into his handling of classified documents after he left the Obama administration. Pressure is mounting. After this weekend, the White House Counsel's Office said additional pages of
classified documents were discovered inside the president's Delaware home. It comes after about a dozen initially discovered at Mr. Biden's private office, including at least one document marked top secret. That, followed by two batches discovered in Delaware, including inside his garage. Classified material next to your Corvette? What were you thinking? By the way, my Corvette's in the locked garage. Okay? So it's not like you're sitting out in the street. What?
This is a national security emergency, okay? A man this old with access to a Corvette? I don't know what's more scary, Biden losing the nuclear codes or Biden going 85 on the highway. Biden! Hey, Corvette! Let me tell you something, he probably loves talking about this scandal because it gives him a chance to talk about his Corvette. Hey, everybody. I've got stolen documents next to my sweet Corvette.
♪ Go grease lightnin' you're burnin' up the floor ♪ ♪ Grease lightnin' oh grease lightnin' ♪ And look, I know this is a big scandal, but honestly I think these documents was pretty safe at Biden's house 'cause it's hard to find anything in an old man's garage. Grandma, where's the documents? It's by the leaf blower. It's leaf blower's grandpa!
But can I just say this for a minute? I am so disappointed in you, Joe Biden, because this is the Trump scandal you copy? Still in documents? You could have been black balls deep in porn stars, you dumb . But there's a bigger problem here, because first it was Trump, now it's Biden. What I need to know is who is in charge? You missed. The bitch who is freely giving out documents.
What's up, y'all? How you doing, man? You want to get some documents? Check this out, though. I just came back from lunch, and I smoked the biggest spliff I have ever rode, so I'm real hot right now.
So it's your lucky day. I'm gonna hook you up with all the documents you need right now. You know what? Just take what you want. But wait, wait. I'm gonna need to get you to sign. Hold on. Let me get something for you to sign. You know what? I remember you. I remember you. I trust you. I trust you. But you gotta be cool, son. You gotta be cool with these documents, okay? Where you gonna hide them at? In the Corvette? You are a G!
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