TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
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You're listening to Comedy Central. If you really want to understand what's going on with the 2016 GOP candidates, all you had to do was spend New Year's Eve with Fox News, which gave each candidate the chance to express New Year's wishes to the American people. This year, my resolution is to preserve our liberties and restore prosperity across America. My resolution for 2016 is to do everything I can to not just restore the American dream,

but to expand it to reach more people. I hope you've had a good 2015, but I'm hoping you're going to have a better 2016. Good luck with your resolutions. Mine is try to stay off the ice cream in Iowa.

I love this. You know what I enjoyed about this whole night was that you really got a sense for the candidates. You could understand everyone. Rand Paul lives in some libertarian utopia. I don't know what that background is. Marco Rubio, he's clean-cut, middle of the road. Mike Huckabee, he's just happy to be here. And, uh, and Rick Santorum knows that there's only one battle in Iowa he has a chance of winning this year, and it's not against Jeb and Donald. It's against Ben and Jerry.

Ted Cruz also took some time out to talk. I wish he didn't. And, uh, let's hear what he had to say. Eric and Kim, it's great to be with you. Happy New Year. You know, 2016 is gonna be an incredible year. 2016 is gonna be the last year of the Obama presidency. 2016 is gonna be the last year before Hillary retires permanently to Chappaqua. 2016 is gonna be the last year that we have Obamacare.

- You know what, I hate to, this is actually the part where Ted Cruz was trying to filibuster New Year's. And this is gonna take a while. So you know what, let's just put him down, yeah, let's leave him down there. We're gonna come back to, this goes on for a while. Anyway, now, not everyone was as enthusiastic as Senator Cruz about the New Year. - To all my friends, I hope that we have a prosperous, healthy, and secure New Year's.

Happy New Year, everybody. -He had more time. -Yes! -We gave him as much time as he wanted. -I know! -He could have had more time. -I know, I know. But you know what it was? It was, uh, short and sweet. That's exactly what you can expect from the Bush campaign. Short and sweet. He has unlimited resources, and he doesn't do anything with them. This guy's still going. Let's see what Carly Fiorina had on her mind. While you're in exciting Times Square, we're here in Mason Neck, Virginia, with our grandkids, our daughter, and our son-in-law. Whoo-hoo!

Was that a sarcastic woo-hoo? "And this is the couch where we spend Christmas, New Year's, and let's be honest, probably where we'll spend the election night. Woo-hoo!" Oh, and look at Cruz. He's still talking. Nobody wants to hear your story, man! It's New Year's Eve. People want to get hammered and watch strangers in stupid hats kissing.

This guy's still talking. But the best moment of the night... best moment had to be when Fox brought on Donald Trump. Now, he was supposed to do the countdown for them to midnight, but for some strange reason, he didn't count down when everyone else was counting down. And then after that, he proceeded to have his own mini-countdown by him-- You know what? Just watch the thing. Just watch it. Stay with us. We'll get back with you.

-Right after the ball drops. -Okay. -We're doing the countdown. Stand by. -Okay. -I want it. -One, two, three, two, one. -One, two, three, two, one. -Yes! -Yeah! Donald Trump gets his own countdown. I'm so rich, I get five more seconds of New Year's Eve.

And if you think about it, it actually makes sense. Donald Trump is basically the human embodiment of Times Square. Yeah, they're both old, loud, flashy, and full of garbage. And New Yorker... New Yorkers can't understand what everyone else sees in them. They're a perfect match.

John, the last time on Slimming Down with Steve, I chose a personal trainer. But as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top New York City nutritionist. My name is Steve. With me.

Before a nutritionist like Miriam Pappo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient. Just tell me if you've eaten these in the last week. Okay. Cheese? Yes. Fried chicken? Yes. Other fried foods? Yes. Hot dogs? Yes. Salami? Yes. Snack chips? Yes. Bacon? Yes. Sausage? Yes. Sweet roll? What's... Sweet roll? Like a Danish? Yes. Okay.

What type of milk do you drink? Buttermilk. What type of oil do you use? WD-40. Usually peanut oil. When you have chicken, is it with the skin or without the skin? Just the skin. What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more vegetables in my diet. So she offered to make me a healthy meal.

Look how beautifully green these are. Green things! The supermarket was gonna be a lot of fun! This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you?

We did have fun, but now it was off to the kitchen to make pasta primavera, which in Italian means no meat for Steve. That looks good. Yeah. What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish? Because it's usually using all fresh vegetables. Bam! Right? Like that chef. Okay.

Great. Finally, it was time to indulge. Let's dig in. Let's say grace first. ♪ All good gifts around us ♪ ♪ Are sent from heaven above ♪ ♪ And thank the Lord, oh thank the Lord for all his love ♪

I really want to thank you, Lord. I want to thank you, Lord. Oh, thank you, Lord. Oh, Bob. That's all right. Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

First of all, thank you for allowing us to go on this emotional journey with you. My pleasure. Now, how is the new diet going for you? Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime. I think you mean regimen, not regime. John, you do what you need to lose weight. I'll do what I need to do, okay? Now, take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetables.

- Right. - Couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need. - I actually think it's shortening, vegetable shortening, so it doesn't-- - It serves up just like ice cream. Mm. What was your resolution this year? - Sleep better. - Sleep better? The hell does that mean? - Get more sleep. - Oh. - Be a priority. - Okay, like just getting more sleep. The way you made it sound is like you're grading your sleep. Like you're in bed and then you're sleeping and then you're like, "I gotta do this better."

This is, I can't sleep like this. How am I sleeping? Or are you one of those people who sleeps with their eyes open? Those people creep me out. Have you seen those people who like sleep, but then their eyes are like, they do this thing. And then you talk to them and then they just like, they don't say anything. That's the creepiest shit ever. Yeah, in Africa, we burn people like that. You can't just be like, how are your eyes open at night? What are you doing? You'll be bewitching us. And have you been sleeping better? How? Yeah.

What do you mean you make sleep a priority? What does that mean? - Not staying up late for no reason. - Oh, okay, I see. I thought you were saying like when you get into bed, there's like other priorities that you might have. And then now you're like, nah, from now on I sleep in this bed. - People not looking at screens, the court, you know. - Sleep hygiene, I like this.

This is very cool. I like this. This is a good resolution to have. You see, this is what I'm talking about. These are pandemic resolutions. What's my resolution for the new year? I'm gonna sleep more. See? And now you look like you're doing something. Imagine if you said this shit in, like, 2017. You'd be a loser. Do you know what I mean? What are you gonna do for the new year? I'm gonna sleep more. People would be like, what a loser. Now people are like, wow, powerful. ♪

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In today's segment, I'd like to turn my attention to what some might consider a radical way to take off the pounds. But for me, it's just another chapter in my weight loss odyssey. My name is Steve. With me.

I've been trying to slim down through diet and exercise, but I still feel like 190 pounds of crap in a 175 pound bag. It's time for some desperate measures. I decided to slim down the old fashioned way, the surgical way. So I met with New York plastic surgeon, Dr. James Reardon. How much weight can I lose in a liposuction procedure? This is one of the typical canisters that contains the fat and the fluid that's removed.

You can remove four or five of these. You can remove four or five of those from my ass. No, that's not... People think that's true, but it's not. I am a fat, ugly person. Do you think I would be a good candidate for liposuction? It's not going to make you handsome if you're not handsome to begin with. Do you think I'm handsome? You're not doing it for your face. You're doing it for your...

for your body image. Do you think I should do it for my face? No, no, absolutely not. Anyway, I was there for liposuction, a surgical procedure usually reserved for older men with titties. And what could be more natural than sucking fat

fat out with a stainless steel tube. I'm sure a lot of people have concerns about entering into this sort of procedure. That's the reason we see the patients usually twice in consultation beforehand. If they need some sedation and feel they need it, we will give them some sedation the night before. Would it be possible to get sedated during one of the consultations? No. No. I was beginning to think that Dr. Reardon was a bit too conservative for my taste.

I needed a surgeon with a tan. A tan you can trust. What sort of other procedures do you do besides liposuction? Virtually all cosmetic procedures, including facelift and eyelid surgery and breast surgery. Breast surgery? Right. Let's talk about breast augmentation. Okay. Is that a fun surgery to do? Is it a fun surgery for me to do?

It is because the change is rather immediate. Would that be a fun surgery for me to watch? I don't know of any surgery would be fun for you to watch. Well, that one might be. Dr. Gold recommended we focus on my surgery. And besides, my D-cups didn't need enlarging anyway. This is a recent photograph of me. What are my problem areas?

When he regained his ability to speak, Dr. Gold weighed my options. It all seemed almost too good to be true. But there was a downside. The greatest downside is you can die. Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen. Steve Carell. Wow.

For people at home who are watching this, which one of these two doctors that you met with would you recommend? Well, both are excellent surgeons, but a little bit pricey. Now, if you're like me and your show won't pay for the procedure, you will have to look for alternatives. So did you go with another plastic surgeon, one that was less expensive? Well, not exactly. My mom has an excellent podiatrist.

And he watched the procedure on the learning channel, thought he was comfortable enough with it, and thought he'd give it a whirl. And just look at the results. I couldn't be happier. Check this out. Oh, my God. I know. Look at me. I feel so thin. Oh, God. Oh, my.

I gotta just sit down for a couple minutes. We'll be right back after this. Medic! Medic!