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But as funeral preparations continue, the death of Pope John Paul II has prompted tributes from around the world. In Argentina, the nation's leaders attended church, while Mexican President Vincente Fox paid a call to his country's Vatican embassy. Elsewhere, the Pope, who was credited as a leading force of anti-communism in the '80s, was fondly remembered by... What? That's right, a condolence book signed by none other than Fidel Castro, who, and I say this with all respect,
is next. That's the pool I'm in. But perhaps the most moving tribute took place in Brazil. Specifically, that Catholic hotbed of Rio de Janeiro where soccer fans remembered the Holy Father like this. And these people are mourning. You cannot bring the Brazilians down. You can't do it!
In Rome, millions of people filled the streets for a chance to pay their respects to the pontiff in person. While outside St. Peter's Cathedral, Italian officials struggled to provide the crowds with blankets, portable toilet facilities, and, of course, incomprehensible cinema. Probably would have been better off with just more toilets. Now what are you going to do?
One international worshipper described his dedication. I'm from Poland, from Warsaw. I came to Rome yesterday at 9 o'clock. I've been walking for 10 hours. He added, did you see the balls fly? Yeah, been working on that.
We're going to take you out to Rome, Vatican City actually, where Daily Show paper correspondent Ed Helms is standing by. Ed, thank you so much for joining us. I understand that you have joined the throngs, the millions in Rome. That's correct, John. Like countless others from around the globe, I am waiting online here in Rome. I've just started hour 16.
Don't know if I'm gonna make it. We're not all going to get there. But Ed, can you give us a little bit of a sense of what it's like to be there in Rome during this historic moment? It's terrific, John. No problems at all. As you know, the Italians are famous for their organizational skills. They're handling this sudden influx of three million pilgrims like a Fiat handles on the autostrada. So you would mean terribly.
It's not good, John. But they have done some things well. Officials are handing out bottled water, setting up porta-potties, and perhaps even more important, porta-confessionals. As it turns out, 99% of all sins happen on pilgrimages.
That's interesting. It's an interesting statistic. It does sound like there's been a spirit of coming together there that... Yeah, absolutely. John, there's nothing like death to bring people to get... Oh, hey! Looks like I'm up. Arigato. This stuff is awesome. Ed, you were online for gelato? Dude, you can't get this stuff in the United States. This is like triple delicious ice cream. It's better than sex.
Reminds me, I gotta hit one of those confessionals. All right, well thank you very much. Ed Helms, everybody, from Rome. Now of course, if any, that looked absolutely realistic.
Of course, for many of us, the passing of Pope John Paul is a time for reflection on how to use the Pope's death to further your own agenda. It's a difficult task, after all. It would be impossible to sum up this Pope's personal, political, and religious beliefs with just one simple talking point. Frankly, this Pope...
as I view it, is a great, great pillar of humanity because he liked freedom and he was in love with the culture of life. Yes, as luck would have it, the Pope's death turned out to be a wonderful time to point out how his views coincided exactly with those of many conservatives.
I'll let White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan continue. The Holy Father was someone who stood for freedom, for human dignity, and promoting a culture of life. He was someone who believed very strongly in a culture of life. Culture of life. Okay, you've set it up on a tee. The Pope is beloved. The Pope believed in a culture of life. Bring us home. The president has long believed in promoting a culture of life. Yes! You've done it! The president won in the same!
Yes! But unfortunately for the administration, the Pope had also expressed other beliefs. Yeah, I was going to say, Senator Domenici, on the issue of the death penalty, you disagree with the Catholic Church. You know what, that's a nice question, but I didn't really come on here to talk about that. I came on here to spin the Pope's death positively for me. Scott McClellan, same question.
-Knowing that the president fully supports the death penalty, the use of the death penalty, does he see it as a contradiction to use that phrase "culture of life"? -I think the president's views are well known. I don't think now is the time to talk about where they may have differed on one or two areas. -For shame. For shame, reporter. Out of respect for the Holy Father, just once, could you not point out our bull , please? Just once? Out of respect for the guy?
Another place the Pope differed from the administration was on the war in Iraq. The Pope called it, quote, a defeat for humanity, while the Vatican referred to it as, quote, illegal, immoral, and unjust. To Fox News' Neil Cavuto, that meant there was some wiggle room in the Pope's position.
I think he impressed a lot of people in the Arab and Islamic world by taking a strong stance against the war in Iraq. Something we might want to... Well, to be fair, his views were not that black and white on the war in Iraq, but the same. Thank you very much. Well, I think you're wrong about that. Okay, well, we can argue, but I don't want to argue with you today because I like you. Pope says defeat for humanity, I say tomato. But as always, the classiest respects were paid by our good friends at Crossfire who decided...
We decided the best way to honor the Pope was through completely inappropriate show intro music. I you not. Here is an actual clip with the actual sound from the opening of Tuesday's Crossfire. Today on Crossfire, live from the George Washington University, Paul Begala and Robert Novak. Ave, ma, Crossfire!
You know? I'm starting to think I was too easy on those pricks. Starting to think that show's cancellation orders came from higher up than we thought.
We know that a Rick Santorum administration would look to the Vatican for inspiration. But how would Santorum get those messages of inspiration? Last week it became clear. The Pontifical Council for Social Communications, or probably better known as Pope Benedict's social media team, is using Twitter in hopes of getting Catholics to focus more on Lent. The Pope, who you see here using an iPad nonetheless, will post spiritual guidance on Twitter. Pope has an iPad?
What's he using that for? Why are the birds so angry? What have the pigs done to anger the birds? The green boomerang-y bird. Why cannot this bird learn forgiveness? But if a 2,000-year-old institution is doing it, it's got to be cutting edge. Where do I find this holy Twitter feed? Pope Benedict will tweet some of his themes for this season to you, Vatican. To you, Vatican? The Pope can't get a straight-up Twitter handle?
That is weak, Twitter. That is tweak. Although it is the inspiration for my new off-Broadway show, Pope Benedict XVI chooses his Twitter account. I had to go with a chef's hat and a 20-year-old iMac for some reason. As a Jew, obviously, I'm not licensed to go full miter. Okay, this is... Pope Benedict XVI chooses his Twitter account. My new one-man show. www.twitter.com Click on new account username. The Pope.
Already taken. What? I'm the Pope. What about the real Pope? Nine! Nine! Let me take a nine! How is that? Pope with a zero for the O! The actual holy dick, the 60! Motherfucker! Thus is lost my... I'll just go with Pope to you. That's taken! Pope to you. Are you watching this? One man... One man show, is it?
What? It's closed already? Now that the Pope's online, though, what's the Pope going to put out there? The spokesman says many of the key ideas of the gospel fit very nicely into 140 characters. It's very convenient. It is very convenient, although not all of them, you know what I mean? I don't know if you know the famed passage from the 23rd Psalm, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear. Oh, boy. So close.
Of course, there was one message the Pope really does want to get across. It's good to see the Pope adapting to modern times to communicate with young people. I think that's a great idea. A great idea. What better way for a celibate 84-year-old to modernize his religion for a younger generation of hormone-addled kids eager to protect themselves from unintended pregnancies and SCDs than to start a Twitter account? I can't think of anything else you could do. Hashtag nothing comes to mind. But let's begin tonight with the only independent country Lichtenstein can whip.
Vatican City! Today marked the beginning of the 21st century's first papal conclave. As we speak, 115 Roman Catholic cardinals are gathered in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next pope, while thousands of pilgrims gathered outside to witness history and, of course, taunt the Swiss guards. Hey, hey, guardie! Nice hat! The northern-breasted cockatoo called!
I'm sorry, is that too specific? This morning the Cardinals entered the chapel and took an oath of secrecy, promising to follow the rules of the conclave. First rule of conclave: you do not talk about conclave. Of course, second rule of conclave: the one who denied it supplied it.
The Cardinals are now discussing the church's future under the impressive backdrop of Michelangelo's painting The Last Judgment. Interestingly, in a poem written three years ago, John Paul II himself urged the Cardinals to look to the masterpiece for inspiration when choosing his successor. I have an English translation of the poem right here. Let's see. Canto 43, I believe. Okay, here it is. Painter from Florence named Mikey...
drew some pictures of popes you might likey. Oh, I wish I'd been on Oprah last week. You'd really have something to tune into. The cardinals will not emerge until a pope is chosen. Wait a minute. That? That's what you guys are gonna laugh at? I'm up here busting my nuts all show for nothing? We throw up Pope's secret? Oh, I am very... No, I can have Oprah disappear, you people.
I'm friends with him. The cardinals will not emerge until a pope is chosen. For some, this will mean days away from their wives, although those are the bad cardinals. But, um... For further privacy, electronic jamming and anti-bugging devices have been hidden under a false floor in the chapel, making it impossible to even get a cell phone signal, which is good, because when you're making your case to be the spiritual leader of 1.1 billion people, nothing undercuts your argument like... RATSINGER!
During each round of voting, the cardinals write the names of their chosen candidates on ballots marked "Illigo Insummum Pontificum," which, if my Latin serves me correctly, is just a bunch of crazy gibberish. They keep voting until two-thirds of the pope cardinals agree on one man. After three days, if they don't, a simple majority will suffice. If that still doesn't do the trick, each side gets one possession from the 25-yard line with a minute on the clock.
Now, as is well known, the cardinal's progress is monitored by the color of the smoke emerging from the Vatican chimney. Today, black smoke emerged, meaning a pope had not been chosen. But when a pope is chosen, the chimney will look like this.
For more on the Conclave, we're going to go out to our senior religion correspondent, Ed Helms, who is in Vatican City tonight. Ed, thank you so much for joining us. Talk to us, Ed. How's it going out there in Vatican City? John, the security here is tight. The Sistine Chapel is locked down. The place has been swept for bugs, surrounded by Swiss guards. Frescoes are rigged with explosives. Cyborg armies patrol the roof and, of course, the Sloman's Shield.
So there's really no sense, I guess, a way for you to get in there and get a sense of what's happening? Not exactly, John. I do have a conclave simulation program. The Simstein Accu-Chapel 6000. Now this gives you a pretty good idea of what's going on. As you can see, the College of Cardinals files into the chapel. Then they move past this guy here, kind of a downer.
Then the world's top Catholics take their seats and prepare. The voting begins. The Cardinals write their choice on official ballots. The votes are then tallied and burned in a furnace to produce smoke. Then afterwards, everyone takes part in a violent shooting spree. Woo! Bang, bang! Bang, bang, bang! And, uh...
That was Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto, Vatican City, John. Thank you. That's really very nice of you. Thanks for joining us. Slow down, John. With this recreation, even you can be part of the action. Check this out. Okay, now watch this. I'm totally conclaving.
You got that? John, if I press the A button, I can vote for my favorite cardinal. And if I push the B button, this is awesome. I can punch him! Woo! Woo! All right, Ed, we have to go now. I'm sorry. I'm totally working on a combo move. A-B-B-A puts Francis Cardinal Lorenze in a headlock. All right, thank you very much, Ed. We'll be right back after this. The whole Pope thing. I'll tell you, here's how wrong I was about this whole thing as far as the new Pope. I had my money on Lieberman.
I thought for sure... I'll tell you what, conservative, religious, I thought, uh... The only problem, apparently, uh... He's got the, uh... What do you call it there? The penis with the, uh... He's got the, uh... Apparently, you want to be the pope. You got to wear something on the, uh... But the important thing is...
I know nothing about anything. Let's, uh... What an incredibly historic time in Rome. Yesterday and this morning, the crowds gathered in St. Peter's Square. They were disappointed as black smoke emanating from the Vatican chimney signaled that no pope had yet been chosen. Because only an idiot would indicate a pope had been elected with black smoke. But at 6 o'clock Rome time, 11 o'clock Eastern time, more smoke began to pour from the Vatican chimney. At first, many news people were caught off guard.
Vatican Radio so far is saying it's black and you can hear no bells. However, once again, there's a lot of confusion about... Jim, black smoke yet again. We're not absolutely positive here, Betty. This is a tough call. It's looking white now. It's looking white, although... That looks darker now when you look at it. We all know what a tire fire looks like, and this is not it. What is their... I could do that. What is their job? What is the news people... What is their job?
Are they reporters? Are they literally just sitting there in their pajamas, drunk, yelling at the TV? That's my job. It's like MSG 3000, for God's sake. They're just sitting there narrating. It looks like smoke there. Why don't you flip over to ABC, see what they have. But soon the news was confirmed. The bells began chiming. A new pontiff had been selected. Caloo Calay! Fox News broke the story with the stunning words, We have a pope!
We! Exclamation point! We have a pope! We have a pope. Apparently Fox News is now officially a diocese. By the way, the graphic on Al Jazeera TV was a little different. Who is the new pope? The throngs gathered in front of the central balcony cheered wildly as the doors swung open to reveal... Here he is! The best! My God!
I can't actually know it's Germany's Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, or the Joey Ratz, as he likes to be called. Pope John Paul II's longtime advisor stood adorned with papal vestments and crowned with the pope's signature white skullcap. And as he stood there before the adoring multitudes, it was then that he realized this is how Bono must feel. ♪ With or without you ♪ Sunday, holy Sunday!
Ratzinger, now known as Benedict XVI, addressed the crowd. Let me hear you say, yeah. Now just, now, now just the ladies.
So there you have it. The suspense is over. Roman Catholicism has a new pontiff. And as usual, the CNN news crawl was the first signal of the media's return to idiocy. As the Pope was being announced, they announced singer Clay Aiken will talk about his own experiences with bullying on the Dr. Phil show today. How are we supposed to watch that without getting brain damaged?
Sunday was the Easter there, so I thought it was a good time. Let's check in with the new Pope Francis I and see how he's holding up. The first pope from Latin America is setting a new tone with the papacy, choosing to wear simple white vestments, shake hands with the public, and focus on the poor. Presenting the priesthood as a task of service. Choosing a simple apartment over the grand papal residence, accepting a soccer jersey from his favorite team. Serving communion at a Tupperware.
Buying his red slippers at Payless. Trading in the Popemobile for a Popemoped. It's a simpler time. What else is he doing? Paying his hotel bill after becoming Pope. What, the Popes didn't used to pay their hotel bills? The other Popes, what do they do when they go to check out? They're just like, hey, this thing's got no pockets. What are you going to do?
I tell you, this Pope Francis seems like a breath of fresh air. I like this. He prefers the title of Bishop of Rome, simpler and less majestic than Pope or His Holiness. Please. His Holiness lives in Florida. Basically, everything Pope Francis does is a standing reproach to the more festooned style of his predecessor. I'm not saying Benedict overdid it, but every time that guy went to Mexico, kids hit him with sticks hoping jewels would pour out. LAUGHTER
What is the most un-Benedict-like thing... What is the most... You like that? What is the most un-Benedict-like thing Pope Francis could do? Instead of washing the feet of 12 priests on Holy Thursday, the Pope disregarded church custom and washed the feet of 12 prisoners, including a Muslim woman. I don't see anybody's religion. All I see is 24, really 30 feet.
What a hundred and twenty very dirty toes. Let's do this again. This little piggy went to confession. This little piggy went to prison. You are not a good person. I love this guy. He's giving prisoners Manny Popes. We should call him Pope Raymond because everybody loves him.
And it's only his second week on the job. How do you top this? The new pope is marking the weekend with many firsts. On Italian television today, the pope did something popes rarely do. Hunt rare lions from a hot air balloon? Harlem Shake? Tell the aristocrats joke?
The Pope did something popes rarely do, participating in a broadcast special on the Shroud of Turin. It's the first televised showing in 40 years of the Shroud, only the second time in history. What a relief to Catholics everywhere. To have their new pope go on television, this is the only dirty laundry he's going to be airing.
But I get it, Mr. Varney, you're a supply-sider. You want to hear a moral argument about that type of economics. Well, let's look to a gentleman seen as a voice of moral authority for millions of people.
Today, Pope Francis denounced trickle-down economics as unfair to the poor. He calls unfettered capitalism a new tyranny, and he urges world leaders to fight poverty and inequality. Money must serve, not rule. I exhort you to generous solidarity and to the return of economics and finance to an ethical approach which favors human beings. Ooh, somebody light some incense. That's going to go over like a fart in church.
I disagree with the Pope who doesn't like free market capitalism. I think free market capitalism is a great liberator. You're going up against the Pope on how to help the Pope. In this man's wheelhouse, this helps the Pope. But you're telling him how to do his job? Pope doesn't come over to where you work and slap Jamie Dimon's s*** out of your... That's weird. That wasn't in the prompter.
Can anyone actually have a rebuttal for the Pope?
With all due humility, and as a church-going Catholic convert, a devotional convert, I adore the Holy Father. I still must completely disagree. Need I remind His Holiness, Pope Francis, charity is a gospel value, and that puts free market capitalism on the right side of the Lord. Exactly! Free market capitalism on the right side of the Lord! Who says you can't serve both God and money?
Who would say such a thing? Who would such a... That's not fair. Look at the beard. Guy's clearly a Marxist. All right, step right up. Who's got next? When the Pope criticizes an entire economic system and is negative about it, he's indulging in politics, and I don't think he should. I personally do not want my spiritual life mixed up with my political life. I go to church to save my soul.
Then why aren't you there right now? I do think we've got some common ground here. I think we both actually agree that some people are being paid too much money to shovel unappetizing, unhealthy to the American public. We just disagree about who those people are and where they work. Speaking of Richard Lewis, let's go, why don't we start the show with the opposite of, said Richard Lewis, the Pope.
He's the head of the Jewish church. Pope is the head of the Catholic church. The vicar of Christ, number one on Godspeed dial, 1.2 billion worshipers hanging on the Pope's every word. And guess what? The word just came down. Pope Francis issued a nearly 200-page document casting climate change as a moral issue, not simply a political or economic debate. A 200-page...
200-page encyclical, moral treaties on climate change and just in time for beach season. What a great read down at LBI. I hope it's in the original Latin. So the Pope is weighing in on the side of taking action against climate change. Seems a little odd for the Catholic Church to take an environmental stance about Buddhism. Was the religion obsessed with recycling? Oh! Boom! Boom! Oh, snap!
No, you didn't! Holy s***! Where my eight-fold path walker's at? Yeah, that line usually doesn't get a lot of enthusiasm. It's not to say the Vatican is being a poopy-cum-lately to this. They've recognized climate change for a long time.
I don't know if you really want to list Galileo as one of your references.
The Catholic Church? Yeah, no, I remember working with them. They were lovely people. Convicted me of heresy and sentenced me to house arrest for the last nine years of my life. Otherwise, though, very forward-thinking. Tell me more about this magic hand I'm talking into. Now, here in America, the Republican Party has traditionally been pretty pro-Pope. Pretty pro-Pope. Sharing as they do a yearning for the simpler morality of
15th century. But now that the Pope has gone rogue, how are they going to handle it? Joe Barton, the senior Republican on the Energy and Commerce Committee, says he doesn't consider the Pope an expert on environmental issues. The Pope's job is to stay with his job and let us stay with ours. That is his job. That's the biggest job of the Pope, is to tell people when they're being bad. That's why he dresses like a big white blanket. He just, uh...
But you know what, Barton and Inhofe, who cares about those guys? Santorum will back the Pope. Santorum's so Catholic, he was an altar boy until like six weeks ago. This guy's so Catholic, his crucifix... Where's the crucifix? I think that we probably are better off leaving science to the scientists and focusing on what we do, what we're really good at, which is theology and morality. Yeah, no, you should leave it. Just leave the science to the scientists. By the way...
What do the scientists who have an overwhelming consensus about global warming say about global warming? Even Republican frontrunner Yebe Bush is chafing at the Pope. I don't get economic policy from my bishops or my cardinals or from my Pope. I think...
Religion ought to be about making us better as people and less about things that end up getting into the political realm. Yeah, religion's about making us better people. Politics is about bringing out our worst. And I think we need to keep those things. Yeah, but this is weird because Jeb seemed very in favor of church and state at least dating at last week's Faith and Freedom Coalition.
Our faith and our moral traditions, it is really the moral foundation of our country, the greatest country on the face of the earth. This conscience should also be respected when people of faith want to take a stand for traditional marriage. So there it's okay. Well, perhaps maybe people would be more for preventing global warming if we referred to it as taking a stand for preserving traditional sea levels. It's Adam and Eve, not... That would work. I think that would work. Mm-hmm.
As the Bible says, it is Adam and Eve, not Adam and... Look, Republicans reacting to the Pope's honest call for environmental consciousness with hostility is not the way to go. When the Pope lays down the doctrine like this, there is only one force on Earth powerful enough to sway him. Exxon sent, actually, a senior lobbyist and another executive over to Rome. Exxon's been lobbying the Vatican over the Pope's climate change message. Ah, they've appealed to a higher authority than God.
And so, in the words of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, drill, baby, drill. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. Paramount Podcasts.
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