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cover of episode TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day

TDS Time Machine | Valentine's Day

2025/2/15
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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

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Nate Corddry humorously explores the commercialization of Valentine's Day, contrasting its origins with modern-day celebrations. He critiques the shift from honoring Saint Valentine's martyrdom to a focus on commercial products and sexualized imagery.
  • Commercialization of Valentine's Day
  • Contrast between historical significance and modern celebrations
  • Critique of profit-driven retailers

Shownotes Transcript

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Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or DSW.com. You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome back to the show. February 14th has long been a special day for people who aren't drowning in a sea of loneliness. But have we forgotten its true meaning? Nate Corddry investigates. February 14th.

The day when we pause to remember the martyrdom of Saint Valentine. As everyone knows, he married couples in defiance of the Emperor Claudius II. For that, he was brutally beheaded. But what was once a sacred holiday has been turned into a secular orgy. That's right. There's a war on Saint Valentine's Day.

We have chocolate thongs for women. This is for the guys. And those are very beautiful Valentine's Day sweaters. A little lingerie. It's a far cry from the St. Valentine TV specials we remember from our youth. This represents the still beating heart ripped from St. Valentine's chest. Let us sup on his chocolatey love for the Lord. And how are profit-hungry retailers cashing in?

I went undercover for some reason to find out. In just 18 short centuries, we've gone from honoring the bloody decapitation of a religious martyr to dogs in boxer shorts and innocent balloons turned into wanton displays of sexual perversion.

Do you have a St. Valentine's Day section? St. Valentine's? Well, we have Valentine's Day cards. No, no, St. Valentine's Day cards. Not specifically for St. Valentine's, no. Yet another example of the War on St. Valentine's Day. Bastions of the ivory tower media elite like Harlequin Publishing would have you believe that it's all harmless fun. I've been out to the shops to see how people want us to celebrate Valentine's Day. How do you explain these?

I don't think I have to explain them. It keeps your juices flowing. All you people think about is sex. What about St. Valentine? Huh? What about him? I'm not an expert on that. I am a romance expert. Isn't romance expert just a fancy way of saying slut? No. Haven't seen enough? You won't believe what's going on in our schools. Heathen craft projects. Pagan decorations. Someone had to put the saint back in St. Valentine's Day.

Now I'm gonna starve you. What? Wait, what do you mean? I'm gonna strike down the wrath on you, buddy. I'm gonna kick your butt with my sword. No, no, please don't. I'm just trying to follow God's love. You went against me, and I'm gonna cut your head off with this sword right now. It was a lesson they'd never forget, and the school encouraged me to spread my message elsewhere.

So remember, keeping Valentine's Day saintly begins with you. First, instead of giving flowers, sit quietly and reflect on the sacrifice of St. Valentine. Second, don't take your loved one to a fancy dinner. Fast and reflect on St. Valentine's martyrdom. Third, cards are fine as long as you use them to paper cut your neck St. Valentine style.

If we follow these simple steps, maybe one day, the great St. Valentine will be honored with the same reverence and respect of his brother, St. Patrick. On a lighter note, today is Valentine's Day. And for more on love, that most mysterious of human emotions, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us. Let me put this to you if I can.

What is love? Well, that's really the wrong question, John. If you've ever been in love, you know it has a different meaning every day. Some have argued it's always special. Others, by contrast, contend it's gripping stuff. A sizable minority even claims it's a quasi-mental illness prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital-free infants in a daily cartoon strip. No, John, the question isn't what is love, but why is love.

What does that mean? Well, sexual attraction serves a clear evolutionary purpose. It's a primal urge that helps propagate the species. You can feel it in this very room. For instance, as I speak, my air of danger, coupled with my otherworldly machismo, is prompting the release of hormones in both the live and television audiences. But that's not love. It's lust. I get that a lot. All right, so...

Why is love? Well, that's really the wrong question, John. You're the one who said that that was... The problem is there are so many different kinds of love. The ancient Greeks had almost as many different words for love as they did for pederasty. There was eros, passionate love, philia, familial love, agape, sacrificial love, and mezze, the love of appetizers. Like stuffed grape leaves. Stuffed grape leaves, I have to admit, are delicious. Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry them?

Why would I marry a... No, of course you wouldn't marry a grape leaf. That's my point. You love grape leaves, but you're not in love with them. So you're saying love is what, a social construct or an idea without any physical basis? Well, yes. That's been my entire premise. Thank you. And it would have been successful, too, if it weren't for one thing. The floor is yours. The prairie bowl.

The prairie vole. I don't think that I, uh... John, the prairie vole is an unusual species of rodent. Come mating season, they find a partner with whom to breed, but afterward, they remain with that partner and continue to copulate exclusively with them. This, as you've probably already guessed, is where we get the term to f*** like a prairie vole.

I have never heard that phrase. It means to have slow, tender sex with a loving monogamous partner while burrowed underneath the ground. I thought you were from New Jersey. Studies show that prairie voles experience the same surge in oxytocin that happily married humans do, meaning love is an empirically observable chemical reaction. Meaning, ipso facto, love is real.

Well, maybe, but really it means that love can be sold in a pill or time-release capsule form now. Now, that seems incredibly dystopic. I agree. I suppose we're romantics, you and I. We prefer our love the old-fashioned way, in an easy-to-inhale aerosol spray, so that on a day like today, we can wistfully turn to our loved ones and coo, darling, let's s*** like prairie bulls. Thank you very much. Happy Valentine's Day. John Hodgman, we'll be right back. Thank you.

If a news story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black. It's February, the most depressing month of the year, which means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. And if you haven't got the money or the energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes on this.

free computerized, pre-made Valentine's cards that you can email to all of your girlfriends. And look, there's even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a Monica cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic because, as you can see, they're sitting on the Don Juan's.

They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're selling 20,000 a month. This is good so I can give it to all my friends. And just why would you want to do that? Oh man, it's just like when you smoke this, it's just like reminding you that you're in the Oval Office. Let me tell you, pal, only if it's too soggy to light.

Well, romance isn't dead. So many great romantic couples are. Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Dodie and Diana. Speaking of which, George Benson has sold his soul to Dodie's daddy, Mohammed Al-Fayed, and written this romantic little ditty for the late lovebirds. And is it ever good. Dodie. Dodie. Dodie.

Dodie. Diana. Man, I just can't get that haunting melody out of my head. John. Thank you, Louis Black. That was excellent. Louis Black. We'll be right back after this. Take us out with a song. This is it.

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And that's why a rabbi in Southern California has hired former porn actress Nina Hartley to teach an adult education sex seminar for his congregants at Temple Beth Ami. By the way, the key word on that sign? Reform. The rabbi, Mark Blazer, surprisingly that is not his porn name,

that's his rabbinical name, explains why he couldn't lead his congregants to the Promised Land. The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what we had already done as part of our adult education lectures on the topic of sexuality. And so they said, "Can we get somebody else to come in?" Because, quite frankly, I had thought everything I knew about sexuality, which is, compared to Nina, fairly limited. Rabbi Blazer was then given the coveted Understatement of the Year Award.

Rabbi porn star. So why Nina Hartley at a synagogue? Well, for one, she's Jewish. She does have 18 years of lecturing experience to go along with her religious background. Not to mention she gives great kepi. I have information people don't often have access to. I've had more sex than most people are going to ever have. And if you can learn from me, I'm very grateful for it.

Yes, my name is Shlomo. I'm a 25-year-old Talmudic scholar. My question is this, Ms. Hartley. Is it permissible under Judaic law for me to be masturbating right now? What makes mom and dad happy is good for the family. And one of the things that is given to us from whichever source you say is the delight in sexual union with your partner. It's a very important thing. Yeah.

Hartley stresses to Jewish congregants that sex is indeed an important part of family life, and she even gives tips on how to enjoy edible underwear. The great part is, whatever underwear you don't eat, you can wrap up in tinfoil and keep for later. In technology news, if you got dumped this year because your ex said you didn't communicate enough, it might not have been your fault.

If you received a mysterious text message this week from someone unexpected, you are not alone. This happened to a lot of people yesterday. They reported they received messages that appeared to have originally been sent on or around Valentine's Day this year. One person tweeted,

So at 2:30 this morning, my phone decided to send a text to my ex-girlfriend from nine months ago. She made this really sweet video of us for Valentine's Day. She thought I didn't respond, so that led to, among other things, a ruined holiday. So you know, that's how today is going. Oh, no.

Man, this story is crazy. Apparently, a bunch of text messages sent on Valentine's Day only got to people's phones now. Yeah, it's a huge glitch that affected thousands of people. Nobody knew about it, and now it's in the news. And I bet a lot of guys are using this as an excuse, like, "Oh, wait, wait. You didn't get that giant bouquet and that diamond necklace that I texted you? Oh, my God. AT&T, man. AT&T."

But, yeah, a bunch of Valentine's texts didn't go through, and it sucks, but I'm gonna be honest. If your relationship ended over a missed text, maybe that was the best. You dodged the bullets. 'Cause I don't care what anybody says. Texting is supposed to be casual. It's not about an immediate response. That's why this isn't a problem for old people. They still send love letters in the mail. You know, they'll be like, "Dearest Gertrude, I can't wait to tap that tight bran muffin of yours. Respectfully, Harold."

The craziest part of the story, and this is completely true, the craziest part of the story is that some people got text messages from people who have since died. Yeah, that has got to be the most awkward booty call ever. Can you imagine just on your phone, it's like, "You up?" You're like, "Are you up?" It's Valentine's Day, otherwise known as the saddest day of the year to go on Pornhub. Some people think this day is about love, but really, it's about arguing with strangers on the street on Prove Me Wrong: Valentine's Day Edition.

Ugh! Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year. Prove me wrong. No, I mean... Valentine's Day is rush hour for love. We have all this pressure from society to take people out. And if you can't get it done, guess what? Everyone is upset. In Puerto Rico, it's called El Dia de la Amistad.

which means friendship day. - What do you do on friendship day? - You give your friends like candy and flowers. - You get into a fight with your partner over what restaurant booking you could not get? - No. - Well then that's not Valentine's Day. - You don't have to participate. - Yeah, you can just enjoy the pretty colors. - Oh really? You don't feel the pressure of society weighing on you on February 14th? - Love doesn't have to be romantic. I text all my family and friends on Valentine's Day. - Oh yeah, I'm sure all your platonic guy friends really love hanging out with you.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love. So the other 364 days, they can go f*** themselves. What other day do you wake up and just think about love first? Well, if you're a good person every day. It's an excuse to get f***ed up, pretty much, if you're single. Some people use it to have a baby, some people use it. So Valentine's Day is an excuse to f***.

-Yo, not me. -Yeah. -You know, I do me, but for people that not getting ass, you know, dudes that don't get no buns. I live on the West Coast now. I live in California. -Yeah. -You know, females are a little bit more happier, you know, 'cause they enjoy, you know, sexual activities in their bedroom. You know, they're not having intercourse in the car, on the side of the street, in the train station. -What are you talking about? -I'm talking about this. When you was talking about the, um, Valentine's Day and about, like,

about dudes putting in the pain. - Okay, so is Valentine's Day the worst day of the year or not? - No, it's not. - Chocolate's the worst candy. Prove me wrong. - Chocolate's delicious. - Pure chocolate, pure cocoa, tastes like shit. - Why are you so angry at chocolate? - Because it's overrated. Like, if you really love me, get me something that lasts, like your HBO password. - Sharing the HBO password. - Is a sign of true love. - And a sign of commitment. - Yeah, it means I'm gonna let this person

- up my algorithm. - What you see walking around, that's chocolate right there. I'm chocolate, she chocolate. You see all the chocolate? You see all this chocolate? - Don't make this racial. - Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

I'm gonna have to groove this for me Morning sex is the best Morning sex is the best I'm with you You got energy Listen, people like to go to the gym in the mornings Give me dick And I am up I am motivated to start my day Like never at night, ever Never When you have sex and then you go to bed It's like a really nice Listen, there's something called circadian rhythm Circadian rhythm? Whatever It's the rhythm you have

As a human. Okay. That's how it looks when it happens? Yeah. Just like, that's pretty aggressive. Yeah. This is a morning activity. That's like alligators eating one another. This is what you do in the morning. This is like coffee. This is nature's coffee. That looks exhausting. How is that coffee? Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day. Prove me wrong. I agree.

All the single people are side pieces. Sneaky links and you know they're gonna up the date. I agree with this 100%. Let the couples go out. I think you are better at this than I am so maybe you should sit here and take my job. Please. Oh, okay. Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day. Prove me wrong. It kind of feels like gatekeeping.

Like, you have to go out and f*** out of here. Single people need to go out. They're the ones who need to be out. The couple should stay home. The single people need to be the ones getting drunk. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. How is that dumb? But Valentine's Day is not for single losers. It's not losers. Valentine's Day is a f***ing thing by society. They're losers who couldn't find someone on the most desperate day of the year. What are they supposed to do? Go on a f***ing date.

- I'm in state or something on Valentine's Day. - How much of a loser are you? - They should be allowed out 'cause they make it fun. - Sorry, someone's pissing on the street in Brooklyn. What a surprise. If you're single on Valentine's Day, the government should send you money. Prove me wrong. - Single people, they have to take care of just themselves. - Yeah, but it's a Valentine's Day thing. If people are sad on Valentine's Day, just send them some money. - Money doesn't make you happy. - Oh really? - No. - If I give you 20 bucks right now, would you be happy? - No. - Yeah, well fine, I'll give you 50 bucks. If I give you 50 bucks, would you be happy?

- I got you, I got you. - There's discounts for married people. There's discounts for family. What do single people get? - Yeah, give us some money. - Exactly. - Some tax breaks at least. We're the ones who need it. - Exactly. - What are desperate, sad people who need that money? - I wanna say desperate and do something. - Are you going out with someone on Valentine's Day? - Maybe. - Do you really want this? - It's cute. Look at my nails, I want it.

- All right fine, I'll prove to you it's the worst day. Come on a date with me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you it's the worst day of the year. - Sorry man, I can't. I don't wanna go on Valentine's Day with you. I wanna go on Valentine's Day with Trevor Noah. Trevor, if you're watching this, I wanna just let you know I love you.

I enjoyed your show at Madison Square Garden a couple of weeks ago. You were hilarious and I know you like Indian food. Come to Brooklyn. I will take you out to a nice Indian restaurant and show you around Brooklyn. Love you. - Yeah, Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year. - This is it.

Your moment. This is your time to make your comeback with Purdue Global. When you come back with a Purdue Global degree, you create opportunity for yourself, your family, and your future. It's a degree you can be proud of, a degree that employers will trust and respect. Purdue Global offers working adults like you over 175 flexible degree programs to meet your specific career goal.

goals. These include associate, bachelor's, master's, and doctoral degrees and certificates. Purdue Global degree programs range from nursing to business to communication and more. Whatever your interests, we have the degree that will move you forward.

You have the knowledge. You have the experience. Now it's time to get credit for the work you've done and earn the recognition you deserve with Purdue Global, Purdue's online university for working adults. You know you're worth it. We do too. So don't wait another second to get the degree that will take your career to the next level. Start your comeback today at purdueglobal.edu.

Cauliflower has done it again, and pickle lovers, this one's for you. Introducing the first and only frozen dill pickle pizza, and it's going to blow your taste buds away. This one-of-a-kind creation starts with Cauliflower's iconic stone-fired crust, made with real cauliflower florets, now topped with the number one trending flavor of the year. Picture a luxurious creamy white sauce infused with savory dill pickle brine,

Garlic roasted to perfection. Melty mozzarella cheese and fresh dill. It's a flavor explosion that's as unique as it is craveable. And because it's Kali Power, you know it's made better for you. It's gluten-free, clean label, and packed with 14 grams of protein. And best of all, you can eat half the pizza for just 400 calories.

Find Kali Power's Dill Pickle Pizza now at Whole Foods Market nationwide. It's time to taste the buzz everyone's talking about, and it's kind of a big deal. Residents at Brightview Senior Living Communities enjoy enhanced possibilities, independence, and choice. Brightview Dulles Corner in Herndon and Brightview Great Falls offer vibrant senior independent living, assisted living, and memory care services through various daily programs and cultural events.

Chef-prepared meals, safety and security, transportation, resort-style amenities, and high-quality care. Everything you need is here. Discover more at brightviewseniorliving.com. Equal housing opportunity. You guys know what today is, right? It's Valentine's Day! Aww. It's the one day you can dress up as a baby and shoot people with a bow and arrow and get away with it.

And it's really nice to have a day where we just, we get to show that special someone that we care, isn't it, you know? And to the men out there, that's all you really need to do, all right? Because not everyone can afford flowers or chocolates or a private Kenny G concert like Kanye West. No, Valentine's Day is just about sharing what's in your heart, all right? Letting your girl know that you love her. Now, ladies, if he doesn't have flowers or a bear or something, you need to cut him loose.

Because clearly he does not respect you for the queen that you are. I mean, he had all year to save up and now he's trying to say he can't afford a box of chocolates? That's $5.99 at Walgreens. He can't say $5.99? That's two turnstile jumps. That's all that is. If your man won't jump two turnstiles for you, you need to cut him loose.

And finally, today is Valentine's Day, the day when flowers find out which house they're going to die in. Seriously, why do we give people roses? They are already dying the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a hospice patient. Love them while you can. Just try to keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible.

But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than Rose's, stealing people's money. Well, it is Valentine's Day. Law enforcement reminding you to keep an eye out for what they call romance scams. Officials say criminals will scour dating websites, dating apps, chat rooms, build a relationship with you with the goal of accessing your financial or other personal information. The FTC says romance scams cost nearly 70,000 consumers $1.3 billion.

dollars last year. The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims. Let's talk red flags. This one might hurt, but if they're too good to be true. Gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle make a scammer's job of luring you easier. If they seem sweet, genuine, caring, talking about a future together a little more quickly than typical relationships, they could be drawing you close to take advantage of you.

That's right. You got to be careful out there. If anyone literally ever says anything nice to you, call the police. And she said another red flag is if the person has an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh, my God. Am I a scammer? Well, for more on these romance scams, we turn to Michael Kosta. Michael, it's...

I'm so sad to hear about this, especially on Valentine's Day. I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams. Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly a scam, because I had already just wired the real Abraham Lincoln $10,000. There's only one Lincoln, buddy. How stupid do you think I am?

You're very smart, Michael. But let's focus on the romantic scams because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly. Yeah. The elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable and they're so horny. Honestly, I'm scared for my own loved ones. That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.

You're catfishing your own grandmother? As a preventative measure, yes. The best way I can protect my 97-year-old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her myself. This way she feels loved and I put all the money she sends me right back into her bank account. It's the same way I stop dogs from eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating them myself.

I'm sure the dogs are grateful, but how does catfishing your grandmother even work? Take me through this. Okay, well, it works the same as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming but believable person. In my case, Miguel Gustavo, international art dealer and king of Brazil. First, you like their posts. Then you start the DMs. Hey, I like what I see. Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted for yourself. Here's what I'm packing.

Rose, you send your grandma nudes? Well, not my nudes. Obviously, I'm not a creep. I send her pics of guys I find online. Good. Phew, I thought you exchanged nudes. No. No. I mean, she sends me her nudes. Oh, my God. Look, I know it's gross. I don't like it either.

I am glad she's using the yoga classes I got her for Christmas, but still, I don't want to see it. Just like I don't want to spend hours texting with her about how her grandson never calls or have her explain every episode of The Yellowstone. It's just Yellowstone, Grandma.

I don't have a choice, Sarah, okay? As Michael Kosta, I can't keep my grandma offline, but as Miguel Gustavo, well, I can make sure her money stays where it belongs, in the bank account that I'm going to inherit one day. I guess in its own way, this is actually like a loving thing, Michael. I hope all the men out there love their grandmas enough to seduce them. Thank you, Sarah. I really am the best grants... Sorry, I got to...

My grandma's DMing me. Mi amor, please send $5,000. I'm having my third kidney removed. Thank you so much, Michael. Yeah. All right.

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Residents at Brightview Senior Living Communities enjoy enhanced possibilities, independence, and choice. Brightview Dulles Corner in Herndon and Brightview, Great Falls, offer vibrant senior independent living, assisted living, and memory care services through various daily programs and cultural events.

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The new year's here. It's the perfect time to refresh those household essentials and score some cashback rewards with Colgate Palmolive. From toothpaste to dish soap, chances are you've got Colgate Palmolive products on your shopping list and in your house right now. We're talking brands like Colgate, Soft Soap, Palmolive, Irish Spring, Fabuloso, and Tom's of Maine.

And right now, you can get up to a $10 digital Visa prepaid card when you buy up to $30 of Colgate-Palmolive products. Here's how it works. Spend $20 on their products, get $5. Spend $30, get a $10 reward. All you do is shop your favorite brands, snap a pic of your receipt, and upload it to cprewards.com. It's so easy. That's cprewards.com. So grab what you need, or maybe try something new, and get rewarded just for doing your usual shopping.

And start your year fresh by earning cash back rewards with Colgate Palmolive. Rewards available while supplies last. Limits apply. U.S. only. 1-125-331-25. For full terms and conditions, visit cprewards.com.