Hour 2: Dan's Carrot Cake Story
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This is the Dan Levitar Show with the Stukas Podcast. So I'm a really big fan of the subreddit hypothetical situations. It might be my second most favorite. My favorite, of course, is Bar Rescue. Bar Rescue subreddit, number one. But number two is hypothetical situations. And I came across one yesterday. And I was like, oh, this is a good question. Would you rather have telekinesis, the power to move things with your mind,

or $250 million. And...

I think the answer is less clear than I think most people, oh, just give me $250 million. But you can move things with your mind, man. There's no telling how much money you can make, right? First of all, just as a novelty act, right? You go to America's Got Talent and all that stuff, and then you have a Vegas residency. Just moving things with your mind. Everyone says, oh, it's strings and all that stuff. You get paid crazy. David Copperfield, that dude makes like $40 million a year. And he doesn't have actual magic, right? If you have telekinesis, you got actual magic.

But then now you think why you go to casino right and you say oh I'm gonna bet it all on black and then you make the ball Land this is a lot of work I have to do to acquire a lot of money when you're giving me the option to just acquire a lot of money Yeah, I don't have to do all this work of being in a cool power You'd have no one else has you make a ton of money and also You can use the power for other things that money can't buy right hey

I'm playing basketball. Tony, you hoop? Wouldn't it be nice to magically... To never miss? Yeah, basically use the power of your mind and say, no, it's not going off. Can I just clear traffic? You'd be Steph Curry. You realize that you'd shoot 100% from the field? That'd be nice. I'd actually like that. You can't go 100% because then... Suspicious? Yeah. You've got to lose enough. Just like the roulette thing, though, too. You've got to lose a little bit. Can I Bruce Almighty traffic?

Like, just like, I mean, yes, but you might hurt some people. Use your power for evil. Yeah, that's not good. As Bruce Almighty himself learned. I feel like when Bruce did it, though, everyone safely was pushed out of the way. Bruce was God, so he did it in a way that he could change things. Benevolently. He wasn't God. He had God's help. He was not God. He had God's power. Morgan Freeman was God. Well, he made him God for the day, basically. So, you know, go ahead. It's so easy. He was renting.

okay okay he was not there was not god ownership there no ownership no morgan freeman we can all agree morgan freeman gives off more god than jim carrey does uh and

I don't know. Based on what's happened in the world over the last 10 years, I kind of feel like God's a little bit more Jim Carrey. A little just out of control, smoking. My brother for years around here played Would You Rather with us. It's a game that we used to play all the time, but they were more negative things like that. They weren't positive. You weren't having a choice. Chris Cody, a bit allergic to work, just found the flaw in the hypothetical when he said, well...

I can go to a casino and try to win this at roulette $17 at a time, or you can just wire $250 million to my account, but I don't need to have the power of ever using my mind, which is pretty much the job he now has. Zagaki. Look, Chris, there's things that money can't buy, though, man, and that's that joy. It's like yesterday, we actually upped the ante. I was talking to Tony about this yesterday. I said, what about telepathy, right? Mind control. And

I was like, yo, you can walk into any bank and legally have them give you money because, hey, I need you to give me this loan for $100 million. And then every time it comes due, it's not due yet. And they're like, yeah, you're right. It's not due yet. And you're cool. So that's not hurting people? Well, no. The bank. Who am I hurting at the bank? Exactly right. They've been hurting us for years. But it's an inefficient way to do it, given that instead of just taking the $250 million, now you're asking for a loan and paying the interest on it. I'm not paying the interest. Zero interest loan. Come on, John. Vegas Act.

I'm like conning casinos. Like you just have 250 million. You know what you can't do if you have mind control? Like with 250 million dollars and no mind control? Tony's got a young baby. Baby cries and is feeling pain and stuff. Mind control. Hey, you're not in pain. And the baby's like, you know what? You're not right. I'm not. You can't do that with money. A billion dollars, 200 billion dollars couldn't do that. Mind control, baby. It's the best superpower there is. I got stuck the other day. You mentioned magic and Copperfield. Can you guys look up for me?

the magician who is paid the most because Copperfield is famous for a salary that's insane. I don't know if he's making more than David Blaine these days, but the real magic of magic is that the other night, because as I often do, I wasn't in the mood for something that was two hours or an hour and 30 minutes long. All of a sudden I'm on Netflix and yep, I've watched a full 50 minute magic show.

Wow. Yes. Is it Jake Wellman? I don't remember what the person's name is, but what he was doing didn't have any explanation that I could tell. And I found myself fascinated, even though I would assume, obviously, that it's not actual magic powers that he has. Dan, I've got a list for you. Net.

worth richest magicians in the world. We got five and we got five OLIs. Wow. Ready to do this? Whoa. I don't know if I am ready to do this. Let me get the fanfare for you. Go ahead. All right. Is this dead or alive or active? This is everyone. All time. This is all time according to carnivalofillusion.com. We've got two lists right now that we're going to get together. And I think this one's great, but I think Chris Cody's got a better one. Top 25 NFL players of all time. Oh, wow. Wow.

Do you want to go dueling where you go with your 10 or your OLI? And then, Chris, where's your list from, Chris? CBS Sports. But I'll do top 10 here. Let's do top 10. Okay. Here we go. Number 10, David Blaine, $12 million. That's it? Modest. Number 10, Dan Marino. David Blaine of the NFL.

Number nine, The Amazing Jonathan, also known as the Freddy Krueger of comedy, $15 million. That guy has more money than David Blaine? Number nine, Barry Sanders. Number eight, Barry Santino. Number eight, Uri Geller, $20 million. I was more impressed by Barry Sanders' magic than Uri Geller's. Me too. Penn and Geller? No.

Number eight, Reggie White. Minister of Defense. Number seven, the world's fastest illusionist, Dutch magician, Hans Klok. $25 million. You know what? David Blaine needs a better agent.

Tony just said, he mouthed it, what are we doing? Once you've gone... On's clock. You can't go give me a Dutch magician and tell me he's better than David Blaine. Guys, it's working its way up. Dude was in ice for like 15 days. Number seven, Lawrence Taylor. Number six, and admittedly this might be cheating a little bit, Neil Patrick Harris, $40 million. $40 million.

This list stinks. Carnival illusion. Number six, Peyton Manning. Chris Cody's list is good, and he's feeling good. Like, he is feeling so good about never using his mind. Watch this. Number five, they call him the mind freak, Chris Angel. $50 million. Number five, Joe Montana. $50 million.

He signed a record-breaking contract at the Monte Carlo Resort in Las Vegas back in 94. It's Lance Burton. $100 million. Lance Burtman was a magician? The Puma. Number four, Walter Payton. He was famous.

Number three, a pair of guys that we talked about a lot on this show about a year ago or so, Siegfried and Roy, $120 million. Were they magic or were they just, you know, tiger treasure? Number three, Jim Brown. Number two, we've made several jokes about them during this list right here. It's Penn and Teller, $300 million for the bad boys of magic. Number three.

Number two, Jerry Rice. Who's going to be the number one player in the history of the NFL? I wonder. Number one, clocking in at over a billion dollars, David Copperfield.

Take that $250 million and shove it up your ass. No way. That's a lot of money. A billion? For magic? Am I doing it a dollar at a time? A hundred. Well, how much do you normally do, Dan? Like the slots.

Where's Houdini? Depends on whether I'm wearing my high heels or not. Broke boy Houdini. No way. One of the greatest magicians ever. Broke boy? Broke boy, man. The forerunners. That's what always happens, man. I want to get to... We got number one. Number one. We know who number one is. Gale Sayers. Wow. It's Tom Brady. I thought Gale Sayers was like a journalist. What?

And a woman? Gayle King. I just thought Gayle Sayers. Maybe I'm doing Gayle King. Yeah, you are doing Gayle King. No, you are. Hold on. Gayle Sayers. If you would have said that name to me when I walked in today, I would have just been like, who is that? CNN? Where does she work? Put it on the poll. Did you think that Gayle Sayers was Oprah's best friend? And also, at Levitard Show, have you ever known anyone who thought Gayle Sayers was a woman?

It said a journalist. It could have been a man. It is a very unorthodox name for a man, right? Gale. Do we have any other Gales in history? Breaking Bad. Wasn't the Australian player for Seton Hall named Andrew, was it Gale? No, or is it Andrew Gaze? Oh, I thought, okay, I'm sorry. That's fine. I'm talking about first name Gale. First name Gale? Wasn't there a famous ship that got lost at sea that has a Gale in it? No.

The Gale probably made it last this season. One of the lead characters from The Hunger Games, played by Liam Hemsworth? Yeah, Liam Hemsworth. So no real people. Gale. By the way, those Hemsworths, all of them smoldering, and I was not understanding why it is you would get a smoldering Hemsworth and have a Mad Max Fury Road sequel and decide to get one of these smoldering Hemsworths and put a giant prosthetic nose on him.

I was just confused. If you're gonna get one of these smoldering Hemsworths, just let them be beautiful. Do not put a giant prosthetic nose on a Hemsworth. - Two things, number one, it's called acting, Dan.

They want to stretch their abilities. Number two, there is an ugly Hemsworth. It's the one that was in Westworld. He's the one that's like, you're a Hemsworth? And he's scrawny. Yeah, it's like, you're related? You sure? I don't know. Find me his first name and then make the poll. Is blank Hemsworth the Cooper Manning of the Hemsworth? What, just Googled the ugly Hemsworth?

Is there an Ugly Hemsworth? Westworld Hemsworth. Wait a minute. Yeah, Luke. Wait a minute. You Google Ugly Hemsworth Brother and Luke is what comes up. But it's not fair. Is he actually... Look, I'm not comfortable calling just about anybody ugly. Type in Ugly Cody Brother. See what comes up.

This is the deal. He's got a big face, but all of his facial features are bunched into the same area. The eyes, the nose, the mouth are right here. And then the rest of this is just a massive expanse. Put it on the poll at Levitard Show. Is everyone ugly compared to the Hemsworths? And here's the issue where you're talking about tall brothers, right? Both Hemsworth brothers are two of the three tall, maybe 6'3", 6'4". This one, maybe sub-6. Not good. 5'9". Yikes. I got a good eye on that, huh? Come on, man. Oof.

Oh, there's a Craig Hemsworth. There's a fourth Hemsworth. Who's that?

There's a fourth Hemsworth. We were just talking about siblings. Look at that. Look at these two. Are you telling me this is unfair? Look at that. He's not ugly. He's just ugly compared to the Hemsworths, and we all are. He is a Hemsworth. I'd actually take the one on the right. Speak for yourself. I'd go with the one on the right over the left. I mean, the middle is clearly the best. Roy, I will speak for you as well. Okay. Compared to the Hemsworths, you are ugly because everyone who stands next to the Hemsworths is ugly. What are you talking about, man?

I'm not saying anyone's ugly, I'm just saying they're ugly compared to the Hemsworth. See, to me, there's one that's clearly the best looking, and I don't know their names. The one on the right right now. It's Thor. We call him Thor. He's clearly the best looking one. The other two, I would put in the same plane. It's really like a Pokemon evolution of each other. Like, you start at one, you evolve to that next step, and then you end up at Chris. Yeah.

He's right, though. It's the chart of evolution where you start with a baboon and then you end up at a human being. What a terrible thing to say about the short Hemsworth here. You said it. It does look like a baboon. And

Anyway, moving on to other things. We've got pitch clock for those of you who did not get enough baseball in the four hours that we did last night. I've got another clip that I want to play for you guys to celebrate that. But if you haven't been a part of our watch parties, and we're going to be doing more and more of these over the course of the next couple of years.

and hopefully we will watch more game than we did last night because yesterday was a contrivance, and then we didn't end up actually watching the games. We just ended up talking for four hours. But one of the interesting things that happened, and at the end of this hour—

For those of you who missed it, we're going to relive game one of the finals of the NBA and the watch party we did with Mero, my dad, and an assortment of others. But one of the highlights from last night was the general awkwardness of what I'm about to describe, which is many years ago, the Marlins, Jeffrey Luria, the owner of the Marlins, had hired Bobby Valentine and David Sampson.

did an assortment of things to try and undermine the fact that his owner had hired someone that he and Larry Beinfest did not want as the manager. Bobby Valentine and David Sampson do not like each other, but...

They did have, last postseason, some time on a set where they were doing baseball analysis. And so Sampson said, we're cool now. We're fine. We buried the hatchet. But then Bobby Valentine came on later, and there was some question about whether or not these two people bury hatchets the same way. Because it seems like Sampson buried the hatchet, and it seems like Valentine is still swinging it.

Not as awkward as it would have been if Bobby Valentine had shown up here and seen David's face. Am I wrong, David? You are, actually, because we finished that entire bit of awkwardness last October when he and I did pre- and post-game for CBS Sports as analysts for the World Series. And the way that happened is we each got a call from the higher-ups at that network saying,

saying, how would you feel about working with Valentine? And how would you feel about working with Samson? And we both said, hey, no problem. And so we were in studio together every day, watching every World Series game together and doing all the pre and post. And we talked about what had happened.

And everything was fine again. I was happy to hear that you and David Sampson had buried the hatchet last postseason. Well, I can't. Is that a fact? I don't know. Buried the hatch? Well, you know, I think right at the end, I think we worked together. And right at the end, I might have said something like, I forget what I might have said, but I might have said something like,

Do you know that I wasn't the one that told Buster only about me being the manager of the Marlins? And I think he walked to his car and I walked to my car. And I guess that's the way we buried the hatchet, I guess.

That's not a buried hatchet. Not even a little bit. Was he sitting on a recliner or an office chair? I want that to be a recliner. It seemed like a recliner to me. I think it's an office chair. He also had his camera covered by half of a pillow or a t-shirt or something for an overwhelming majority of the time he was on the bus. That was not a buried hatchet. That is the smile of a man who enjoyed not burying that hatchet with David Sampson. That's the smile of a man, not unlike Amin earlier in the show when he was fearing AI, that would like to bury that hatchet in Sampson's forehead. Ha ha ha!

Very white teeth. The way he looks right here is, you said, do you guys bury the hatchet? Oh, you mean this thing right here? Right in Shanson's face. Can you guys find for me, please, why it is that people would bury hatchets? I was very happy there as you see that screen. Go ahead, Amin. I don't know if you want to find out that etymology. Do you know?

I believe it has something to do with pilgrims and Native Americans. Okay. I do want to know, though, America's ugly history. I don't want to hide it from the people. And if it's hidden in a phrase like buried the hatchet, I would just want the information of that. But on the screen, you may have noticed in one of the boxes,

And all of this is available by YouTube if you want to watch any of it from last night. But Jeff Miller was there of the Los Angeles Times. And the reason Jeff Miller was there was only to tell what is, I believe, the most embarrassing story of my professional career. What again? It doesn't rank as my biggest professional regret. We'll get to that next week. But as an embarrassment...

Jeff Miller told the story of being at Shea Stadium. I was in my early 20s and we were in the press box and he was like, you won't do it. I'm like, I will do it. He's like, you won't do that. I'm like, I will do it. And I was pushing a piece of carrot cake that was stale and starched and terrible toward the edge of the press box window. And there were people down below.

And so he's like, you will not do that. That's too unprofessional. I'm like, stop daring me to do it. And I eventually just flicked it over. Now, I know. Savage. Should start a new Chris Cody of the day segment. I'm embarrassed by this. And I look, they brought Jeff Miller on to embarrass me and tell that story. And he did. He's telling it to Bobby Valentine, who I thought was the manager of the Mets at the time. He wasn't. It was Dallas Green.

But I'm pushing this carrot cake. That's not the funniest part of the story. That's the embarrassing part of the story. But it gets better because after I push it, he's shocked. I'm looking at him shocked. I'm like, I shouldn't have done that. That was a bad decision. Then I hear from down below, hey, what the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then I hear from above me, no, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep,

Because there's just no way on earth that Mike Frances is doing that from the press box. But there would never just be a plate of pie in the stand. So it's like, you have to do some math here. But you're right, you would never think a journalist would do that. You just skip right over. You put a mental block. Well, it's not this. So you think you have this frosting in your hair and you're thinking to yourself, you know, I think the media commissary is where that would come from. They're not selling carrot cake at concessions in the upper deck.

Where can I get a nice plate of cake? So a guy was yelling, hey, please.

bleep off in the middle of flushing New York. Guy, he's got icing on his face. You think he's saying to himself, well, that carrot cake couldn't have come from the upper deck. They're clearly and maybe going up to the upper deck because he'd like some carrot cake because they're selling it up there. What are we doing here? What type of 8th grade peer pressure did you succumb to? I was in my early 20s. Don't dare Dan. He will do it. Again, not double dog dare you? Not proud of it. I will also say

Shea Stadium carrot cake, early 90s, deserved it. Deserved to get thrown on someone? It was terrible. Terrible. You think that I've gone a lot of my life not putting that carrot cake in my mouth? Yeah. That's the biggest upset here.

Apparently Amin was right on burying the hatchet. The phrase is an allusion to the figurative or literal practice of putting away weapons at the cessation of hostiles or hostilities among or by indigenous peoples of the Americas and the eastern United States and Canada. But is it a physical burying of an actual hatchet? They would bury their weapons at peacetime and then...

Well, we know what would happen when it wasn't peacetime. They'll take them out. We got to a peacetime? I'm trying to find... Well, he was right. No, America happened. That's right. Three America. Always just three Americas. Latins get left out, Dan, in those two America jokes. I don't like that. That's why I always say three. Well, there's more than three. Well, it's four Americas. We're going to do that. There are many more than four. Stefan White Castle. Nice.

Hispanics, I don't know that anyone has noticed this because Hispanics, especially during this time when we're talking so much about immigrants, but Hispanics, generally speaking, very grateful to be in this country. Hispanics, generally speaking, you do not hear a lot of complaints from Hispanic minorities that are public or public.

because that doesn't tend to be what is taught in our culture. But the end result of that is that our demo, which is the unicorn in media, go ahead and name all the Hispanic people on, I don't know, Fox or ESPN Sports. Go ahead. George Sedano. Friend or coworker? Everybody on Deportes. Sedano, yeah. Go ahead. What's the second one? I don't know. Go ahead. Eduardo Perez? Keep going. Eduardo Perez, there you go. Keep going.

Pedro Martinez with Turner. Oh, yeah. It gets hard. Dan Levitard. There aren't a lot of women, and it gets difficult to do. Jessica Mendoza, she's a great baseball analyst. The demo does not get represented proportionally in the media. Is Toni Collin still active? I think she's out. She's out. Living her life.

But you don't hear a lot of complaints about it, at least in part, because there aren't a lot of Hispanic media members to make the complaint. Sarah Spain?

That's been in their name. Not a play on for me. Jeremy made his way through. Jeremy? Yeah, I've powered through all the difficulties in the plight of my people. Whittingham as well, but it is hard to identify sometimes when they look like Jeremy and Chris Whittingham. Whatever do you mean? If Chris Whittingham... Or me. That's the funny thing. Chris Whittingham looks the part, but the name is kind of like a shield, right? If his name was anything else...

Well, Chris, what do you have? My parents did that purposely. My dad wanted to name me Luis or Gonzalo. And then they changed their mind because they didn't think that that would be friendly. And so what ends up happening later in life? I have to go get his cartoon accent so people don't think I'm French.

We like to mock Witty a lot. His Jim Gray take, aging nicely. What was his Jim Gray take? That he's going to have a better career. That he would not take Jim Gray's career. Over his own? He said it like years ago. And now he's like, he's going to be calling World Cup games in a few years probably. I'm telling you, he could call every single World Cup from here until the end of the world. You wildly disrespect the career of Jim Gray. Are you kidding? If Witty becomes like the top or second soccer guy of all soccer. Name me all the soccer guys.

You know, there's Phil, Phil Shane, I think. Phil Shane. Name me the soccer guys that you have at this level of notoriety that everybody knows. Jim Gray put together the decision in his spare time. Jim Gray knew Snoop Dogg when he was 12 years old. I'm not saying he has surpassed him. I'm saying that take, we mocked him. It's just like, it's... He'll have a pretty, Witty will have a great career.

- Quitty! - It's Quitty, it's Quitty. - Jim Gray also has a Hollywood Walk of Fame star. - Woody will never have one of those. Also, really quick, last minute confession. Chris confessed to me in my ear that he didn't know that Gale Sayers was black. - What? - No! - Rough hour for me.

Oh, we relive the watch party with my father, Mero, and others. Game one of the finals. There's good stuff in here. Watch. Listen to. Franco Harris and Gale Sayers. Watch.

Jeremy, you know something about me, right? You know when I'm grilling outside and it's summertime, you know how I supplement my summertime? Of course I do. I make a Miller Time. Of course. That beautiful white can. Oh, when it's so hot outside, I just put it right to my forehead, right there, and I just roll it sometimes right on the forehead, cool my body down, and then I crack it open and

instant relief and then that first sip brother does that first sip that is a top five sequence of events that you can possibly go through i'm just serenity now when i just imagine that first sip of miller life just thinking about it's making me happy dude the sun is out it's nice you have your friends showing up you got your family there you just had your first sip of miller light and you know what you're happy

You're blissful. You're fulfilled. I've been stocking my cooler with Miller Lite for years and for good reason. It's brewed for taste. Only 96 calories and 3.2 grams of carbs. This year, Miller Lite turns 50.

There's five decades of cookouts, laughs, and ice cold moments that never miss. It's the original light beer, and it's still my go-to. Miller Lite, great taste, 96 calories. Go to millerlite.com slash dan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Cheers to 50 years of Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

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Last minute. So don't just dream about that next trip. Book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit Priceline.com to go to your happy price. Actual prices may vary. Limited time offer. Terms apply. Don Levitard. And he was doing all kind of wild stuff. When he threw the ball off the glass to himself and yammed it, I was like, wow, that's crazy. You're on perks. Stugatz. You know what I mean? Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Allegedly. This is the Dan Levitar Show with the Stugats. And now, top five moments from our NBA Finals live stream with Mero, O-L-I. Stan Van Gundy got a job at Amazon. Stan now works for Amazon. He's going to go to Amazon. Oh, congratulations. Thank you, Pop. He's going to be a delivery guy. I'll have it.

Yeah, he's just delivering things to Amazon. It's not a great job. I thought that he was going to be broadcasting from the Univision. With Amazon, you never know. Hard times, hard times, Dad. He's got to deliver packages. So if you need something in an emergency, Stan might bring it by the house. Stan, don't knock on my door. Ring the doorbell, please. Yeah, please. Leave the package at the door. O-L-I. Poppy reacts to Samson's poor Spanish pronunciations.

I want to play some words that David Sampson has tried to say in Spanish. You try and guess what they are. What is this word? Teitas. Teitas. Oh, teitas. Let's go. Let's go. And Papi knows one thing. They're singing my song. Yes, sir. He said, I love this song. Teitas.

Are they singing your song? Yeah. They're singing my song. Who's singing your song and what is this song? Bro, that's the... Teta. Teta. Teta. Teta. Teta. What about this word, Papi? What about this one? Correcta. Correcta.

I'm sorry, Papi. That is croqueta. Dave Sanson spent about 15 years in downtown Miami. He couldn't say croqueta. He got no influence from Latin culture. How about this one, Papi? What's this word? Caiveira.

Oh, that's Guayabera. He's on his game today. Guayabera. Guayabera. Dan, I think he's using a spark plug with the tetas all of a sudden. It's a bit of a spark plug. That goes to the tetas, bro. The tetas. The tetas. The tetas. Number five, Sam Morrell says he respects the Pistons more than the Pacers. Sam says he respects the Pistons more than the Pacers. Come on. I'm upset.

Come on. He's not wrong. Come on. Wow. The Pacers are a veteran team. They're deeper, but the Pistons scare me more for the future. I think this is the Pacers' one trip. Enjoy it. Enjoy the thunder. Clap in them, I think, in six.

And, you know, that's that. But I think the Magic and the Pistons are the team next year. Those are the teams that scare me. The Magic are tough, man. They didn't have Jalen Suggs. They play a tough game. He's right about that. They bother Boston. Jalen Suggs. T.O. Bankera.

Come home. Yeah. Come home now. Jalen Suggs. If you can't hit us, come home. Come home. Milk carton that boy. Listen, Detroit was the best team that Knicks faced the entire playoff run. Yeah. 100%. And I respect them. What are you guys talking about? I agree with Sam. Sam's right. Don't boo him. He's right.

The pace is ass, bro. They're just very deep. When you look at the breakdown of the series, Dave, it makes sense. They're deep ass. God hates Knicks fans, and that's why that Halliburton shot fell in. That's okay. And it's like Angels in the Outfield, except it's some fucking demon. Jim Irsay. It's just Jim Irsay. Rest in peace, by the way. Fucking Jim Irsay had to die that day.

He sacrificed his ass for a fucking finals run. He really did? That's crazy. He perished the same day? That was a Christopher Hoyt. That was the Just Call Me Al? No, that's crazy. He tweeted out. He was like, yo, go Pacers or some bullshit like that. And then he died right after. That's crazy. What do you think happened there? I think he got sacrificed to the gods of the Midwest.

Mike Pence was praying to these gods trying to not allow gay people to get married for years. The demons answered their prayers.

And the Pacers got a finals run, but they will lose in six games. Number four, Jamel says the Knicks firing Thibs is like leaving your wife for a chick with a fat ass. OK, so here's the problem is like I feel like the Knicks are going to be susceptible to the relationship 80-20 rule. Right. They saw the chick with a fat ass and like they had a girl at home.

who was doing everything she needed to do. - Except playing more than six people. - That's okay. It's like, I feel like they had Not Gonna Cry Mary J. Blige at home. - Yo! - Right? And then they decided like, I'ma leave her for Cousin Faith from Soul Food. Just some black shit then, you don't understand this. - I'm looking for that too. - But it's okay, it's okay. - I like the Halliburton pack right now. - I'm going deep into it. I'm going deep down into it, right?

Messed around. Y'all hit Cousin Faith. And now you think, like, yo. Yo, this is it. This is it. And I feel like this is going to end terribly. She's burying you. For the next coach. Listen. Look, not gonna cry. I was at home. She helped you build your business. She did. And she lit your shit on fire because you were such an asshole. She did. She did. And now you're gonna mess around with Cousin Faith. But listen.

You boned in the studio and it's going to be bad. Those two minutes of Cousin Faith hitting the spots that, you know what I'm saying, Mary wasn't hitting at home. Oh, no. Oh, no. But at the end of the day. Christian walks in and goes, what are we talking about? What's going on over here? Yeah.

Number three, Papi makes fun of Jorge Sedano for being a Cubano arrepentido. Hang on. Cubano arrepentido. Arrepentido. Papi makes fun of Jorge Sedano for being a Cubano arrepentido. Now they got to call you George Sedano. What is this now? You always called me George Sedano.

I always call you Jorge Sedano. Off with the croquetas. Jorge Sedano and croquetas. That's it. No, but...

But no. Do you know why they call me George? Because my dad, my puppy, was Jorge. And my mom needed to know who she was going to yell at. Okay? Nah. Borte paquete. Nah. Tremendo paquete. Tremendo paquetón. That's the highest of paquetes. Paquetón. Where you bought that one? In Macy's? You know what, puppy? No. Next.

Get his ass! Next time, what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell Lute no more of Rocco Frijole with you. Oh, no, no. We're missing the Frijole today. That's not fair. You can't take away my black beans. You hit it where it hurts, George.

I know. I know where to go. Number two, Tony reacts to the flagrant honk on Caruso's nuts. This is clearly two shots. I just saw that they might be looking at this. That's got to be a flagrant foul. No, that's just a hard foul. He goes for his shooting arms. Brought to you from the guy who said, take a look at that in hockey. Give me a break. That was just a hard foul.

He gave a little honk there on the bottom there, too. I didn't like that. I don't know that that's a honk. What was the honk? You tell me. What do you mean there was a honk? He got the arms, but then all of a sudden there was a honk. I did see a honk. You saw the honk, right, Drew? Okay. A bit of a honk. Check the other page. I don't know.

Wait a minute. They're reviewing the honk. That's what they're doing. Yeah, honk. They honked him. Wait a minute. Mero's out here doing some sort of ultrasound on testicular cancer. That's what he did. But at game speed, you don't see him go like that. That's the thing. It's too fast. See? Oh, look. It's look at me, referee Steve Javie. Bang, bang, play. Oh, I think that he flopped.

He tried it. Steve Davis. Flop on the hunk. I think he flopped. Here you go, Dan. Here you go. So he hits him in the shoulders. Here you go. Boom. All right, we're coming around now. Boom! Yeah! There's definitely a hunk. That's a flagrant one on the hunk. That's a flop. That's a flop. That's not a flop. That's a flop. That's a flop. Oh, come on, Sam. Wow. Yo, he grabbed his crook. Oh! That was a quick whistle. Bobby, that doesn't make any sense, his analysis. That's a flop. That's a flop.

That's crazy, bro. Dad, what? Wait a second. He honked? He honked. He honked. Reviewing the honk. Flaker at one. Honk. He gave him a prostate exam real quick. He said fix. That's wild. That was a fix. Wait a minute. My father's dead. Get a hold of that riff. All right. We're going to have to. Bobby, you're going to have to leave. I'm sorry. You're out of control. It's late night. I'm going to have to get you out of here. No. Look at Caruso. Look what they have. Yeah.

I'm telling you. It's a fix, Bobby? Yeah, that referee, you got to check his credentials out. That guy, that guy. I don't trust him at all. Looks like he's on the tank. Upon review, we do not have wind up. We do have a honk. We do have contact. Not a flagrant foul. We do not have a honk. Therefore, we do not meet the criteria. He said no honk. I read it. I'm telling you. We got an obvious and clear foul.

Number one. Tony, Mero, and Poppy sing... Oh, God.

Hang on. Te suelto el pelo? Is that right? Te suelto el pelo? All right, this one's a little bit more sensual. We're staying in the Yandere topic, but te suelto el pelo. Oh, te suelto el pelo. Te quito la camisa. Tu pantalo. Y después te como completa. Papa, you want to translate that? Oh, you caught me off guard here.

You want to try again? I'll say it slow. All right, Papi. I let your hair loose. I let go of your hair. He's playing a refrain. I take your shirt off. Uh-huh. Papi. Tu pantalon. Well, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Fabio, you said that as they're singing my song. That's what you said. And now he says... This is getting more right to the point. This is more intimate. This is a lot more intimate. Let's start again. I will let your hair loose. I pull your hair. I let go of your hair. I'll take off your shirt. I'll take off your pants.

No, no, no. That's where he gets jammed up right there. He gets jammed up right there.

That doesn't school. I don't understand why you're stopping there. Just translate for the English audience. Let's start again. I will let your hair loose. I will take off your shirt. Oh, you're also your panties. Not your panties, but your pants.

Not your panties! It's a two for one there, Dano. Come on, it's a two for one. They were not your panties, Dan! They were slacks! They were slacks! I'll take off your slacks! I'll take off your slacks! There's nothing reggaeton! Yo, every girl I picked up at Latin Night Reggaeton Party was, yeah. They were wearing slacks. Yande was bumping, dude. Yande was bumping and they was all wearing slacks. Both of them. For Rakata, yeah, for sure.

Jeremy, you know something about me, right? You know when I'm grilling outside and it's summertime, you know how I supplement my summertime? Of course I do. I make a Miller Time. Of course. That beautiful white can. Oh, when it's so hot outside, I just put it right to my forehead, right there, and I just roll it sometimes right on the forehead, cool my body down, and then I crack it open and

instant relief. And then that first sip, brother, does that first sip? That is a top five sequence of events that you can possibly go through. I'm just serenity now when I just imagine that first sip of Miller Lite. Just thinking about it, it's making me happy. Dude, the sun is out. It's nice. You have your friends showing up. You got your family there. You just had your first sip of Miller Lite. And you know what? You're happy.

You're blissful. You're fulfilled. I've been stocking my cooler with Miller Lite for years and for good reason. It's brewed for taste. Only 96 calories and 3.2 grams of carbs. This year, Miller Lite turns 50.

There's five decades of cookouts, laughs, and ice cold moments that never miss. It's the original light beer, and it's still my go-to. Miller Lite, great taste, 96 calories. Go to millerlite.com slash dan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Cheers to 50 years of Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.