Local Hour: I'm The New Daddy
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game winning streak with his Marlins. Hell yeah, hottest team in town. And Zaslow is officially bummed about the Heat. Man.

Official. It's official. Zazz, one of the super homers that we have in town. Mike Ryan's a homer. Parakeet Cortez is a homer. Greg Cody is a homer. But when it comes to the Miami Heat, two-time champion broadcaster Zazz is really firm in his convictions and allegiances. But right now, he is super bummed. Doesn't mean I don't have my allegiance. Doesn't mean my allegiance is not strong as ever. But I'm bummed, man. I feel like it made me look stupid.

Why and how did they make you look stupid? And let's also go on the record here. I don't like looking stupid. They make me look stupid because it's not that I've sat here and defended them. It's that I'm trusting that they're going to do something. And I'm just sitting here watching them do nothing. Everyone else is doing stuff. Some teams are doing stupid stuff, but it's the Eastern Conference. It feels wide open. It's like...

Every roster spot is filled. They literally have every roster spot filled. They've added one player, Fontecchio. Yeah, that part was funny. You couldn't have found a funnier name to trade for than to have Duncan Robinson leave town. When I first met Fontecchio, I laughed at his name. Like the first time I saw Fontecchio, I'm like, that can't be good at sports because it's named Fontecchio. And...

I now have in front of me for an era of Heat basketball, and this part hurts. This is the total of what you got for all of these players who made it to the finals and had an exciting run. Okay, so you got nothing for Jake Crowder. You didn't get anything for Caleb Martin.

You didn't get anything for PJ Tucker. You didn't get anything for Gabe Vincent. You got a second for Struess. You got nothing for Duncan Robinson except some cap relief. And Fontecchio. You did get Fontecchio. Dragish...

Dragic with Precious, you got Lowry, and then you sent Lowry with a first-round pick to get Rozier. And Jimmy for Wiggins and a first. So for the entire two finals runs era of Heat basketball, what you get back is Wiggins, Rozier, a one and a two. How does it make you feel when I say you traded Dragic, Precious, Achua, and a first-round pick for Rozier? Ugh!

That's really the only one that actually stands out there is like poor management. But the rest of it is...

The rest of it is understandable. If you look at every other team that makes runs to the finals, it's not like they then preemptively trade their roster. You got play out of those players. So when you say you got nothing, that's not true. You went to two finals with them, and when they were free agents, they got better offers elsewhere because you learned your lesson from the previous time that you did this and overpaid guys like Tyler Johnson.

That feels like some spin cycle when your roster is now Bam, Hero, Davion Mitchell, Ware, Jovic, Larson, Fontecchio, Love, Kyle Anderson, Jaquez, Wiggins, Rozier, Highsmith, Johnson. Yeah, and everybody was salivating over the Hawks yesterday, like the guys that they added are these giant difference makers. Would you like Porzingis on this team?

Dude, of course. Would you like... But that's not the position that they were in. Would you like a 20-year-old dude? To add guys just to add them doesn't make a ton of sense, but...

Would you like Luke Kennard? I want to be better in the Eastern Conference. I don't know exactly what the plan is, but I trust that there is a plan. I don't want to overpay guys. Whatever. It is what it is. If Dan had said that exact same thing and the team was the New York Knicks, you would all be ripping the Knicks and laughing at them like they were a laughingstock. But instead, now we're going to be like, well, Pat Riley has a plan. Stan Patty.

And now we're going to be on a Pat Riley apology tour for three hours. Zaz started with he's bummed. He didn't start with I hope. He started with I hope he has a plan, but it didn't seem like he was confident that there's a plan. I'm bummed, dog. This is the Dan Levitar Show with the Stugatz Podcast.

As Zaz just mentioned during the Shadow Show, he is someone who under all circumstances refuses to look ridiculous. And he does not like that the Miami Heat have made him look ridiculous. I hate looking ridiculous. I have not looked up the stats, but now Duncan Robinson has gone to Detroit. Detroit is on the ascent. Detroit is a very good young team. They can use when they've got a gambling problem.

alleged gambling problem on their roster. They can use the shooting of Duncan Robinson. And I'm doing the eye test here. I've not looked at the numbers. Mike Ryan disputed this when I said it yesterday. Duncan Robinson is the best shooter in Heat history. Do I have that wrong? You

You don't have that wrong. Well, what are you going by? Are you going statistically or are you going by? I'm legitimately going by when he shoots, I think it's going in more than any other player who's ever shot a basketball for the Miami Heat. I haven't looked at any other numbers. It's simply based on when that person's shooting, do I believe it's going in more than at other times people have been wearing that uniform. By that metric, Udonis Haslam, greatest shooter of all time in Heat history because that little short corner J was always going in no matter what.

Obviously, you start. I'll put Duncan second, but obviously Ray Allen is the top shooter. Just game six, that shot, number one, all time. I don't care what anyone says. I don't care what numbers you say. That's a moment, though. But it's just, that's the shot. You think of Miami Heat shooters, Ray Allen, that's the answer. Okay, so you also think then that LeBron is the greatest player in Miami Heat history, not Dwayne Wade. That elbow jumper. I mean, you could talk me into that elbow jumper putting LeBron on the Mount Rushmore. Jordan, yeah.

Because that's the same argument. LeBron's the best player in Heat history, not Dwayne Wade. If Ray Allen's the best shooter in Heat history, not Duncan Hopkins. I see what you're doing there. I'm not going to play that game with you. Where's James Posey on the list? Because I felt confident when James Posey had the ball. It was probably the Sox, but I felt good about James Posey.

Do you mean Mike Miller? No. Because you say socks. Mike Miller was the shoeless one. No, he had the tall socks. James Posey was super tall socks. I thought you said socks like he shot with socks. Come on, man. Are you a heat fan or not? Do you feel like people confuse James Posey and Mike Miller often? Yeah. I don't think we're going to get any other nominations from the entirety of anyone who has ever watched basketball that has James Posey as the best shooter in Heat history. No, no. You stumbled onto another wild Billy Winston.

You guys don't know how to play this game. It's about to go up. Stats be damned. When James Posey had the ball, and I know I'm alone on this island. That's what people say when they're wrong, by the way. Stats be damned. No, they also say what Chris says. I don't care what the numbers say. I don't care what anyone says. I'm right about that. Well, you started with, I didn't look at any of the numbers, but...

What's the difference there? I admitted all of it. Okay, so we're on the same page. I just don't do it every single time with every argument. Usually my arguments have a little more information than that. Can we put on the poll best heat shooter of all time? Duncan Robinson, Ray Allen. Put Antoine Walker on there too. That's the island I'm on, but I love Antoine Walker. What about the man with the golden arm? I cannot believe the Jason Capono erasure.

That is a terrible nickname, by the way. Awful. The man with the golden arm. Awful nickname. Oh, I loved that one, actually. Eric Reid tried to get that off the ground. But too wordy. It is. Has a nickname ever worked that has that many words in it? It's a sentence. The man with the golden arm is a six word. Also, do you feel like you shoot with your arm? No. Like you shoot with your hand, your wrist. It was a truly terrible nickname. Yeah.

What did Capone know? Give me the numbers officially. Just what are the numbers officially on three point shooting for Ray Allen, Duncan Robinson and James Posey? Well, I have the three point field goal percentage leaders in team history for Miami. Now, this isn't about volume. Jason Capone is at the top. He shot four.

49% from three as a member of the Miami Heat, which is insane. But if you want to look at Ray Allen and Duncan Robinson and compare them, their percentages are essentially identical. So Ray Allen in two years shot 39.8% from three for Miami. Over seven years, it was 39.7% for Duncan Robinson, but he did it on seven three-point attempts per game while Ray Allen did that on...

Did you just say that Jason Capono shot 49% from three one year? Not one year as a member of the Miami Heat four years ago.

Well, he played two years and he was two or three. Yeah, well, the reason he didn't play more shooting that well is because he couldn't guard anybody. If you think Tyler Hero couldn't guard anybody, Capono had feet made of cement that he lifted off the ground to shoot that three. But I can't imagine that anyone has ever shot a higher percentage than that playing for a basketball team from three. He did it on two attempts per game. Yeah, it was one for two.

That's amazing. But still. Stats be damned, though. We're having that conversation. He won the three-point. No, we need all the stats. He'd be taking 15 threes a game in the modern NBA. He won the three-point competition. Twice. So it's not just that he was taking two three-pointers a game, but do we have a lot of players ever who have shot better than 50% from three? Because I often...

Off the top of my head, I cannot remember seeing a stat line that has some... Did Kyle Korver shoot over 50? I think Tim Legler led the league one time shooting over 50%, believe it or not. In the 2006 and 2007 season, so he joined for the championship team year one. He only took actually one three-pointer per game, shot 39.6%. But in the 2006 and 2007 season, on three attempts per game, he shot 51.4% from three. He was a starter on that team.

So Zaslow knows his basketball, and if you were listening last night to ESPN Overnight Game Night with Zaslow and Norris Cole. Yeah. Couple champs chopping it up. Zas's power went down, and I felt for the poor producer who had to go the rest of the way with Norris Cole when Zas's power went out in his house. Oh, man. So you got to understand, like...

I'm paired with Norris Cole, which was fun. I'd never worked with him before, but he's not a radio host. He's essentially an analyst. And the show's going great. Literally 90 seconds. It's almost one in the morning. 90 seconds left in the show.

My power goes out in the house. It started to storm. Power goes out in the house. And I'm like, oh my god. And so I'm obviously kicked off the show. And for the final 90 seconds, our producer Josiah did an excellent job. He had to drive the show. 90 seconds? I mean, that's nothing. I thought you were talking about 90 minutes at 1 a.m. also. But then I started thinking, well, you know, I don't know if you understand how time zones work. I don't. That's 10 p.m. in the West Coast, all right?

That's the way it goes. Still 90 seconds on the West Coast, though. Right. But then I was just thinking, oh, my God, what if it happened 90 minutes left? Oh, that would have been bad. How's the family van doing for Norris Cole? That was his thing. Oh, right, right, right. I think it's still parked underneath in the arena. Really? I think so. They kept that? Oh, yeah, for a while, for sure. They kept his family van? It's just parked in the arena? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? How did they get around? I don't know if it was still functional. Billy, always great at asking the questions no one can answer.

Sorry. I'm trying to find a longer nickname than the one we said before. Charles Barkley, Round Mound Rebound. This is hard. That's quick, though. That's Round Mound. That's a good one, though. And it rhymes, right? If it was the man with the golden arm and somehow there was a farm in there somewhere, farm and arm, if you've got a rhyme somewhere. But it hurts to have. Is there a longer nickname that has worked than the Mound Round Rebound?

The round mound of rebound. You all right? Yeah, sorry. Just wanted to make sure. I appreciate the help with that. What are the details, Billy, since you want to know so much about the Norris Cole van? I don't know anything about the Norris Cole van. It was a giant thing during the Heat's championship run. The Norris Cole family van was a thing that was outside of the arena. They allowed fans to come by and

That was the story about how it was that he would get to like all the games and stuff growing up. So they brought the family van there, the fans signed. It was a big rallying thing around this Heat team. I'm surprised you guys don't know about this family van. It's a big Heat nation over here. Don't know about James Posey and his socks. Don't know about the family van. We do know about James Posey and his socks. We don't know that James Posey is the shooter that Ray Allen and Duncan Robinson is.

We got Jeremy heightened enough that he started a sentence with dude, which is the first sign in a debate that someone is unraveling. Is that like a sign of aggression from him? I mean, that's basically him pulling a knife. It's like mother effer. When Jeremy hits you with a dude to start a sentence, it's like someone else shiving you in prison. The question was, do you want Porzingis?

That's what he answered dude to. Well, he's right to be upset by the fact that I tried three different times to point out, hey, Lillard waved is something I wasn't expecting to see together. And everyone wanted to talk about something else, including the championship fortunes of the Atlanta Hawks in what you guys keep calling a wide open East as if the Cavs don't exist. The Cavs are frauds and we know that. Okay, but the Hawks aren't?

The Hawks could be interesting. Okay. Could be interesting is the way we all like to analyze everything. Oh, there's something new. Wow. Maybe that'll be good. And it's never good. This is one of the things that has corrupted and contaminated all offseason talk is that the Hawks will always win the press conference in the offseason. And what? And the...

The fan base wants simply change. The fan base in Miami doesn't want to keep going with a roster that they know is not good enough. And the roster looks and feels stale. I will not believe that this is what will head into the playoffs next year. Playoffs? It better not head into the regular season. Let me head into the playoffs. Do you want anybody in the stands? I think they're at kind of a tipping point now when it comes to the fan base where...

going to be a reaction, a tangible reaction in the stands this year if the team looks like this again. I mean, you think the building's going to be packed on Wednesday night against Charlotte if they keep this roster? That's why we were saying that they should get Kevin Durant because he would be a draw even if he's on a bad

team and then you have him down the road or he's part of the Heat family, he's part of the Heat culture, he's part of the history of this team, knowing that they probably weren't going to build a championship contender, but at least you bring in this memorable person in NBA history to be part of your team for a season. We're all going to look really silly if

He makes a move for you. Not Zazz. Zazz will not look silly. There's no circumstance under which Zazz will not look silly. I hate looking silly, and that's the part that bothers me most about what's going on with the Heat here because I've had the confidence or I have the confidence. I'm very confident. Everybody knows that about me, and I don't want them to make me look stupid. Right now, I feel like I look stupid, and I'd like them to do something.

You know, guys, it feels pretty good when you accomplish something you've dreamt of for a long time. I've been feeling really, really lucky to not just make it to 30, but to be doing all of the things I ever wanted to do, including working here on the Dan Labattard Show with Stu Gatz. And when you think about it, the origins of this show were once just a dream for them. That dream turned into the show and business that you're listening to today. And starting your own business is a dream that lots of us share, but too many of us just let it remain a dream.

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What's up guys, Tony here, and I wanted to talk about something super important, and that's how I keep my home protected. Obviously, you guys know I have a little one back at home. My wife is there with her, and I get tremendous peace of mind knowing that the moment I leave for work, that my home, my property, my family is protected, not just reactively, but proactively by Simply Safe.

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Jeremy, you know something about me, right? You know when I'm grilling outside and it's summertime, you know how I supplement my summertime? Of course I do. I make a Miller Time. Of course. That beautiful white can. Oh, when it's so hot outside, I just put it right to my forehead, right there, and I just roll it sometimes right on the forehead, cool my body down, and then I crack it open and

instant relief and then that first sip brother does that first sip that is a top five sequence of events that you can possibly go through i'm just serenity now when i just imagine that first sip of miller life just thinking about it's making me happy dude the sun is out it's nice you have your friends showing up you got your family there you just had your first sip of miller light and you know what you're happy

You're blissful. You're fulfilled. I've been stocking my cooler with Miller Lite for years and for good reason. It's brewed for taste. Only 96 calories and 3.2 grams of carbs. This year, Miller Lite turns 50.

There's five decades of cookouts, laughs, and ice cold moments that never miss. It's the original light beer, and it's still my go-to. Miller Lite, great taste, 96 calories. Go to millerlite.com slash dan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Cheers to 50 years of Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

Don Levitard. Go ahead, Billy. Ask him your question. Is gymnastics possibly corrupt? Oh, wow. Wow. Stugatz. I got some phlegm in my mouth. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. Is gymnastics possibly corrupt? This is the Don Levitard Show with the Stugatz.

Chris Cody, I felt that we as a show looked stupid for a number of different reasons yesterday, but one of them was you were out, your father said out loud, and I don't know what to believe anymore with your family because you guys hid from me for three decades that Uncle

Uncle Mike exists and has one eye. Greg Cody claimed on the show yesterday that he's a handyman. And I'm like, we if Chris were here, there's no way he'd get away with that. I know Greg Cody. And unless he's decided to do something in the last 10 years, I've never known him to do, which is simply learn.

Because he doesn't like to learn. Greg Cody's allergic to learning. Doesn't want any part of it. So him being a handyman or identifying as a handyman, I thought was a bold-faced lie. But I didn't have anyone here who could have questioned you. Yeah, it's crazy. The bit with him, with me and my brother, our whole life is he thinks he's everything. He thinks he's handy. He thinks he's salt life. He thinks he's a country soul. He thinks he's a reggae guy. He is.

Like he thinks he's everything. So it's just, yes, this is not surprising. Did he claim something about his mailbox? No. I think he tried to put up a mailbox recently. So I'm trying to, what did he say he did that was handy? He said he was going to have a competition with Billy in which they tried to make some sort of furniture. I think we settled on a table, but we'd have to get the lumber. I would take Billy.

Thank you. I can see Billy. The thing about being a handyman, like if you're Greg, is you really just have to believe in your abilities to do it. That's not really true. Not true in any way. It is true. That's how you end up with a handyman with one hand. That's a stupid thing to say. That's not a stupid thing to say. You know who stops you from doing things the most? You.

If you say that I can't build this table, guess what? You're never going to build that table. If you say I can, you can build one. I mean, it may wobble from side to side, but you'll figure it out eventually. It's a bunch of I can't guys in here today. The power of positive thinking. When Michael Jordan gives the graduation speech and says you can all be me, he's lying. The power of belief.

No, there's fast twitch muscle. No one should believe in the require the high Ayatollah of slam Ola for Larry Nance senior. That's bullshit. I never heard that

Wait a minute. Not a nickname you could have today, right? Well, not a nickname you should have had then either. Defensive that Jeremy even said it. Different time, though. The Ayatollah of Slamola. I think we're fine. No. The Houdini of the hardwood. Bob Cousy. I like that one. Just rolls right off the tongue.

Four words: the man with the golden arm, The owl without a vowel. Bill Milkvy? M L K V Y? I like that one though. Was there a question mark in his last name? There is for me.

I think Greg said his dad was a carpenter. He was. See, that's why I think my dad thinks he's handy. His dad was. His dad was a carpenter. That's like a gene that gets passed down to you? I'm trying to think what my dad has built. The story was he wanted to build a table around a tree. And then Uncle Richard, I think it was, he said it was a know-it-all.

And Uncle Richard came over and was constantly giving him tips on how it is that he should build said table. And he was annoyed because Uncle Richard was telling him, you need to use this corner, this, that, whatever. And then at the end, he ended up telling us, well, when you build something, you need to use this. And we realized Uncle Richard actually taught Greg a lesson that day that he still carries with him today. Uncle Richard and my dad had a funny, tencious relationship. I actually have a funny story. After Uncle Richard died. What was that word? Tencious? That's, yeah. That's not a word. It's a play on.

You know what I meant. There's a lot of tension in their relationship. Yeah, "tentious." I didn't know what you meant. "Contentious?" "Contentious." There it is. See? See? Everyone knew what I meant. We can't say that first part. I didn't know. So, this is actually a good story. Stay focused here.

When Uncle Richard died, they were having the post-funeral thing at Aunt Bonnie's house. And my dad, who I had a nice, a weird relationship, a tenacious relationship with Uncle Richard. And one of their songs was the Beach Boys. One of the happy Beach Boys songs. So my dad... Are there sad Beach Boys songs? I don't know. We're on the poll at Levitard Show. Do you think...

of anything sad when you think of the Beach Boys? So my dad, thinking of Uncle Richard, was playing a song that they connected of. It was a Beach Boys song. But visually, the optics. So after the funeral, my dad's driving to Aunt Bonnie's house for the post-funeral thing. And Aunt Bonnie's brother is out front.

and my dad rolls up to the post-funeral party blasting a Beach Boys song. So the visual of my dad, like, happy song. Windows down? Like, windows down, like, jamming to Beach Boys. So he went up to my dad and was like, why are you, this is a sad time. It's disrespectful. Why are you rolling up? And my dad had to be like, no, no, no, we connected over the Beach Boys. So this was actually me paying tribute, but just not a good look. He should have just said, why can't I have an enjoyable car ride still?

Put it on the poll. Are you allowed to jam out after a funeral? Put it on the poll at Levitard Show. Can you roll away from the funeral with the music too loud, the happy music too loud in your car? Jeremy, you made a face on our lack of Beach Boys knowledge. Is there something horrible in the past of Brian Wilson or one of the Beach Boys?

Brian Wilson was like extremely depressed. Pet Sounds is one of the most beautifully tragic albums ever written. Maybe the best album ever written, including the song I Just Wasn't Made For These Times, which not only is this self-reflective, sad mental health song, but it's actually Kevin Love's favorite Beach Boys song. I'm pretty sure he rolled up to sitting on top of the world. Like it was like.

Yeah, I think of the Beach Boys, though, as all Surfing USA type of happy songs and just bounce around. But you're right. There is a history of sadness. So we need a different question. I do think of Beach Boys music as being happy, though. Put it on the poll at Levitard Show. Do you think of Beach Boys music as being happy? I like the idea of Greg pulling up to the funeral with Surfing USA blasting out his voice.

Oh, he's just wildly inappropriate and then will defend his action no matter what and will take several days before he concedes. The thing about it is if he's telling the truth...

It's a play. He's good. But, you know, Uncle Richard's not around anymore. There's no one really to verify that they connected over Beach Boys. So my dad may have just been jamming out and then needed a cover. He's not a handyman, though, and he does have Dunning-Kruger the same way that Stugatz does, where he just delusionally thinks he's good at every single thing, even though he's 70 years old. But you guys are reminding me of the greatest thing that my father taught me around handyman stuff, which is...

have friends who can fix things because my it's all i saw in my childhood uh my brother used to tell the story of the scarring of being a boy scout and my father helped him with the car and as soon as the race started the wheels fell off and the thing just hit the ground like as a block of wood because and he had to quit he had to leave the boy scouts in disgrace to leave the scouts well because you can imagine right you're sitting there you're 36 years old you let go of the

car and then the wheels fall off. How embarrassing. Tentious. How you feeling about that? He's going to sit with me for a while. Tentious. See, I was like, I was looking at you guys like, what are you guys talking about? This is clearly a word. Tentious. I like the idea of Lebo in a Boy Scouts uniform.

It didn't really fit, right? Leave the scouts in disgrace. Well, my brother ended up doing all the sports things with us, even though he was fast as the running back. He'd just keep moving his head around because the way the wind whistled through his ear hole. So we'd snap the ball and my brother would just be standing there in the backfield, making his ear hole make whistling noises as the play hit it.

designed for him goes in the other direction. He'd also stop for like a four-leaf clover if he was in the open field. Do you think he takes off the patches from the scout outfit when he leaves in disgrace? Do you have to leave it behind? They rip it off you as you walk out the door. I feel like just the car falling apart was disgrace enough. You walk out of the scouts never to return just ashamed of your father.

Embarrassed. Embarrassed because your father isn't good at fixing things. My father didn't know how to put up a painting. My father didn't know how to put up a picture. Wasn't he an engineer? Yes. He ran a fiberglass plant. He knew scientific things. He just didn't know how to do anything around the house. That's like the one thing I can do is put up a painting.

Nothing. Isn't it funny that you have these sets of Cuban men that grew up at the same time, had the same experience, yet there's a section of them who can fix anything and do anything. And there's another section that is equally as large that can't do anything. But they were friends with the people who can. Exactly. The problem is our dads and our grandfathers were on that side of the line. Your dad can't fix anything. My dad can't fix shit. Neither can my grandpa.

father. He used to work business. That's how it gets handed down though. When your grandpa can't fix shit, neither can your father. That's why I can't fix shit. None of these people, the levitards can't fix anything. The women can. The men cannot. That's how I was about to say my mother-in-law

I believe the last time I had a flat tire, my mother-in-law changed it, which is not a fun sentence to say. My wife does that stuff around our house. Oh, man. Yeah. Would you be embarrassed? Put it on the poll at Levitard Show. Would you be embarrassed if you had to call your mother-in-law to fix your flat tire? It was not a good. Don't you guys want to know how to do things, though? I know how to. I just don't want to screw it up.

So I'm like, "Ahh..." The hardest part about changing a tire is knowing where to put the thing to lift the car up. The jack. I don't want to bend my leg. Right, right. You don't want to dent the undercarriage. Right, it's like, which I may have done in my, you know, when I was like 17, 18. You try to lift a car, all of a sudden the car is just denting and not lifting. It's like, "Okay, I'm not gonna do this anymore." The jack.

One of your favorite, your father's favorite sentences when he says there's a fact. Once again, you knew what I was talking about. I do, but your trouble with words is disconcerting today. Billy did know what you were talking about, and Billy did have it right when he said to the group of us,

Don't you guys want to learn anything? You can learn how to fix anything on YouTube now. Like, it's incredible. I went into my car the other day. Well, my previous car IP was total. But I went in there and I fixed, like, the thing that's on the spark plug. Or not the spark plug. I guess on the battery. The, like, mount. Because it was sitting there. I had a bad...

It said that I had a bad battery, but I didn't. I had to go in there. I had to change it. I just watched it on YouTube. It was like this thing I ordered on Amazon. It was there. Cabin filters you can change on YouTube in two seconds. Dude, cabin filters? What a scam. Can I tell you something right now? And I'm sorry to all our mechanics and mechanical scammers out there, but...

If you go to a mechanic's or a garage or whatever, and they tell you, we can fix your air filters, we can fix your cabin filter, and there's two filters, it's going to cost you like $250. Because that's what they'll tell you. You're like, oh, wow, that sounds like a good deal. It is absolutely not. You can buy those two pieces for like...

$30 combined probably and change them in 10 minutes. And then I can stare at my engine for like three hours being like, where does this go? No, you just go on YouTube and find a video you're done in five minutes. With the internet, we trust the internet on you. What if I was a terrible person and I would just put up a bunch of

How-to videos? Like, doing it incorrectly? There's all kinds of accounts on Twitter where, like, the blue check marks are tri- How about- I'm gonna start tricking people. How do you know you're not getting the NBA Centel version of fixing cars on YouTube? Before you put this in, you spit on it.

Okay, I have fixed enough things with the help of YouTube that there isn't a sinister plot conspiracy of people who are pranking. I don't know that. Man, I want to be a flat-out wall for that. There's no Barry McOchner of spark plugs, okay? There's a nice space for that, though. You're too lazy to change your tire. You're not going to spend the time making videos to trick people into breaking their cars. All right, if you want to change your tire, first roll it down a hill just to make sure it's got good treading, and then you just see some idiot like...

I am embarrassed by how this show has talked about all of this. I want to apologize on behalf of the manly men in the audience who are indeed handymen, who are hearing everything we're saying and hearing a show that can't be bothered to even check out YouTube's quick

explanation on how to fix things. Now we trust the internet. I would also like to apologize to the women in the audience who are also handy and think it's a little lame of us to think it's pathetic that we can't do things.

We said Chris's mother-in-law can do things and that we can. I am specifically warding off the judgment of men against men for not being handymen when Greg Cody alleges that he's a handyman when I know him to not be. He at least tries. You guys aren't even putting in the effort to try to fix things. If we had some sort of Olympics on fixing things, I would finish last. I would be the worst of all of us, but...

Not a lot worse than some of you. You're thinking a new edition of gold, silver, bronze, or did not podium today? Yes. Good game yesterday. Tony loved it. Another wordy one. Well, do you think... I've heard accusations around the office, Billy, that you're of the belief that Tony is now making parenting decisions simply to spite you. Yeah. I think...

Last week Tony was in a patented pickle. You know they sell pickles in my movie theater. Really? How much? It's $2.99. Is that so? Well, I think that last week Tony was in a patented pickle and we discussed it on air where we said it seemed as though... For it to be a pickle, Billy, not to interrupt you. For it to be a pickle, it had to be something that is a rock and a hard place and I'm kind of stuck in the middle of trying to decide. This was a very easy decision for me. Yeah.

I think that last week, for those of you who are catching up on the show, last week, Tony, congratulations, had a child. And it turns out his child was born six months ago. And we were discussing whether or not Tony would be someone who celebrates half birthdays.

And we kind of got the feeling that Tony might celebrate half birthdays. Tony one time, if I remember correctly, had a party at a brewery for a dog. And we were kind of like, what's going on here? A dirt day. So he had a whole party for a dog at a brewery. The dog birthday was not for me. He invited all of us. We're like, no, thank you, Tony. That's not what we're going to do here. I have a dog. So anywho, Tony has a child and half birthday was coming up. So last week we were discussing whether or not Tony would have a half birthday. He has a child? So...

Here is the pickle that Tony was in. Do I celebrate my child and give my child lasting memories via photographs that they will see years down the road because a child that's six months won't remember anything. But do I celebrate my child? Do I do this for the family? Do I do this for my wife? Or...

Do I prove Billy wrong and not throw a half birthday for my child and do the good parenting thing and do nice things for my family and my wife and everyone involved? And I was made aware that

that Tony's wife wanted to have a half birthday party. And Tony said, no, we're not having a half birthday party now because of the conversation at work last week. So Tony found himself in a pickle and he cited proving me wrong over the happiness and joy of his wife and family.

So it wasn't a full blown birthday party. My wife wanted to get a cupcake to take pictures and stuff. That's a half birthday. Not happening. You said not happening. For what reason? Because we don't need the constructs of, oh, get a picture with a cupcake. It's your half birthday. No. No.

It's six months, we celebrate it, we move on. That's it. You put a cupcake in front of them, you see what they do with it. They like poke it. No, because then she puts it in her mouth, she can't eat that yet. They do the thing, they put their feet in it, it makes a giant mess, and you're watching, and you're like, what are we doing? They start to grab their hair, this is a disaster, and they're like, it's so cute. Avoided. And then a year later, you're like, eh, it was kind of cute. I was getting upset about nothing. So Dan, I looked at my wife and I said...

No, not going to happen. But I was looking at her, but I was really looking at Billy. Like, Billy's form took over my wife, and I was like, nah. So he's right then. You're making parenting decisions to spite Billy. He's spiting me. Of course. Absolutely. When really, I forgot that that even happened until we came in today, and you're like, guess what? Didn't have a half birthday. I'm like, I didn't even give that a second thought until today. Well, now you'll never forget it.

Yeah, you're ruining a child's life to spite me. Congrats. Thank you. It will be wonderful years from now when Tony is alone in Sad Dad Village because his wife and the child have left and he's just smiling because he's like, but I did spite Billy. I got him. I didn't have a birthday. He thought I was going to have a birthday and I did not have a birthday. Imagine a crazy twist. Never.

Never mind. So this is from Louis Riddick. Good work there, Billy. Well, because it puts all of us in a bad spot. But I was going to say, imagine a crazy twist or something happens to my family and then Tony's family leaves him and they end up with me.

After he was making all these decisions, breaking them up to spite me. What a plot twist. And then I win at the end. So wait, so something happens to your family. All of my family goes to live with you and now you become their father? So it's not just, it's not just, it's not just his wife. I'm the new daddy. I'll fix all the problems that you have because your old daddy made poor decisions to spite me. So many have birthdays around me, right?

We celebrate quarter birthdays in this house. Get used to it. So just to be clear, what just happened was that you didn't offer for Tony and the audience the mere possibility of you stealing his wife. And family. You didn't.

But his is going somewhere else, too. You took his wife and six-month-old and you just said, I'd like to add everything to my family. I don't want to eliminate my children or my wife. Are you all living together? No, in this horrible situation, which none of us want to have it, something happened to my family. So I was there. Yeah, no, I wasn't going to leave my family for Tony's family. I'm sure they're lovely, but I love my family more than his. I thought you were going to have

both families. I thought Tony was going to be alone. No, no, I can't handle any more kids. They're different wings of the house. Plus the dogs too. I like it better as you just stole Tony's family and now he's lonely, but he has the victory over you on half-birthday.

Oh, he's got to celebrate all the birthdays and I don't have to do anything. And he's got that victory forever. Play PS5 finally. You may be having a great time with your wife and his wife and your child. No, something happened to my family. It's a horrible situation. We don't want this. No, you've made it that.

I've made it something different. I prefer you stealing the entirety of his family. But you understand why I said never mind now, right? Well, the part I don't understand is as a professional broadcaster, why you start to say something and then offer it to the audience and then pull it back. It's not because I don't understand why you didn't say that you were thinking about stealing Tony's wife and child. I wasn't thinking about it. Just something that may happen.

Based on the parenting decisions that he is making to spite me. It would be the most ironic thing, I think. I don't know how irony works. The most ironic thing if he's trying to spite me and what ends up happening is I end up winning. I want to put in front of you this tweet from Louis Riddick. What do you have to say? We have a problem with him?

It felt like it. It felt like your tone suggested that there was a problem with Louis Riddick. What did he have to say as if he had said the wrong thing? No. Well, I could be the judge of that.

You are a judge, a journalist, a lawyer, a doctor, and a race war expert. Yep. So here is Louis Riddick on the Dolphins after they lured Darren Waller out of retirement, something I evidently was more excited about than just about anyone on earth, including Darren Waller yesterday. Dolphins are the very definition of uncertainty going into 2025, has zero idea what this team will look like, play like, come together like, chemistry-wise. Zero. Fascinating to me.

Sounds like the most exciting Dolphin team in my lifetime. Is this team fascinating? What's fascinating about a team that hasn't won a playoff game in a quarter century and now has just a bunch of question marks? And whatever players you've seen be great in a Dolphin uniform so far are not on the...

in the prime of their career, I guess, outside of Tua. I think what he's telling you there is, you look at it on paper, and certainly there's a lot of talent on both sides of the football, so hey, they could be really good. Or, they could be this year's total hot mess. They could be like the worst team in the league, and just

everything goes wrong. This is just frustrating because we had like a, what, two year stretch, a year and a half stretch of being good. Yeah. Like it took so long. We finally got there. I like trying this. I was like, we have a good team. We've right now it's gone again. And now everyone is back to just thinking we're a joke. And it's like, yeah, we had a few injuries to our defensive line. I know we made some trades, but it's like the team's not that different.

that it was a few years ago. But you said they were good and they weren't. They were, though. Right, they're not that different. They weren't good last year. They were interesting, but they didn't win a playoff game. Because they got injured at the end of their good season two years ago. They got...

battered at the end. Who was that old defensive lineman from the Chiefs they signed? Houston? They signed for that playoff game against the Bills? That team going into that year was good on both sides of the ball. They got battered with injuries at the end of the season and it all fell apart and it just stinks because it seems like other teams have injuries and then get back to being good and it seems like the Dolphins were good for one season, got a ton of injuries and then just can't get back there.

The teams that are good tend to be teams that are good even if they have injuries in that sport. That's fair. No depth in that. I understand what you're saying. It's a perfectly logical explanation for how it is the blueprint exploded on a win-now franchise. They...

They started the season having lost whatever they were, 9-2 or whatever it is. We can agree it ended with the loss on Monday Night Football to Tennessee. That was the beginning of everything. It just always ends in December around here in this century. But what Riddick is saying about the Dolphins as an entity is true, right? Because...

Everyone is looking at the Dolphins and saying, well, if at quarterback you have the greatest of injury risks that will obviously detonate anything that you were planning in terms of team building, then of course you're a bit of a mystery. But he's doing that because of the Darren Waller signing, right? Because nobody knows what that is.

You can't have any idea what that is when the last three years have just been body problems and head problems. Oh, I think it's all of it because in the span of the 24 hours, you have a team that brought in Minka Fitzpatrick and also traded for Darren Waller. Two very big names and it's still like, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what this team is. You need Phillips and Chubb, right? Their defensive line has to be what it was a couple years ago, or else it's just... If Chubb, if they're not what they were, they're not going to be a good team. That's it. How about their offense being what it was a couple years ago? Because it feels like that kind of got found out, and everybody's like, oh, what do we do now? We can't go over the middle. How about this one? How about in 25 years, you keep using draft picks on offensive linemen, and some of them can block?

Jeremy, you know something about me, right? You know when I'm grilling outside and it's summertime, you know how I supplement my summertime? Of course I do. I make a Miller Time. Of course. That beautiful white can. Oh, when it's so hot outside, I just put it right to my forehead, right there. And I just roll it sometimes, right on the forehead, cool my body down, and then I crack it open and...

instant relief. And then that first sip, brother, does that first sip? That is a top five sequence of events that you can possibly go through. I'm just serenity now when I just imagine that first sip of Miller Lite. Just thinking about it's making me happy. Dude, the sun is out. It's nice. You have your friends showing up. You got your family there. You just had your first sip of Miller Lite. And you know what? You're happy.

You're blissful. You're fulfilled. I've been stocking my cooler with Miller Lite for years and for good reason. It's brewed for taste. Only 96 calories and 3.2 grams of carbs. This year, Miller Lite turns 50.

There's five decades of cookouts, laughs, and ice-cold moments that never miss. It's the original light beer, and it's still my go-to. Miller Lite. Great taste. 96 calories. Go to MillerLite.com slash Dan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Cheers to 50 years of Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

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