PTFO - Share & F*ck Around & Tell with Michael Cruz Kayne and Katie Nolan
52:05 Share

I'm Pablo Torre, and this episode of Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale. Exceptionally smooth cognac for all your game day festivities. Please drink responsibly, because today we're going to find out what this sound is. What? Right after this ad. This episode is brought to you by Tic Tac. Summer tastes like Tic Tac.

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I'm fixating on an old song that I've rediscovered. I can't stop listening to it. I mean, what is this? Uh-huh. Something About You by Level 42, which I'm fading out for legal reasons. Come on. I would just want to vibe to that. It's so good. It's such a vibe. What's it called? Level 42? That's the band. I was going to let it get to the chorus so people could know they've heard it before because I promised you both have. We can skip to the chorus.

That base is filthy. I love a base. We love a base on this one. Is that a Sharon tell or is that just a snack for you? Is this a Sharon tell? I guess it is. I was told to bring it. Don't open it. What's going on? Okay, I'm jumping in here to say that if you watch PTFO on YouTube, you probably know that the Nintendo adjacent style sound effect, the doot doot doot doot that you just heard,

visually triggers an actual role-playing game style menu with a little animated version of me who explains stuff, which is why internally the PTFO staff calls these voiceovers that I do RPGs. Anyway, I say all of this because Katie Nolan's question today, what is going on, is a good one.

Numerous Pablo Torre Finds Out observers have observed that we have always chosen the "Pablo Explains" menu option, but I have never actually selected the second option that is shown right beneath "Pablo Explains," which is simply "F*ck Around." But after repeatedly forcing chair and tell regulars Katie Nolan and Michael Cruz-Cain to be guinea pigs in what some critics have called "the future of journalism,"

and still others have called your stupid Bill Belichick, Jordan Hudson episodes, I realized something. I realized that it was probably time to just f*** around. I've somehow explained less about what we're doing here today than I have in previous episodes, which I also explain nothing. Right. Which is not just crazy.

I have been reflecting. Okay. And I think I owe you guys an episode where we just get to chill. Yes. With surprises in the center of the table. No. I sent a group chat to you guys and it was just hello. And Katie's response was, uh-oh.

And I was like, we need to reestablish our friendship. Anytime I hear in this group text, I go, oh, Jesus Christ, what'd she do now? Yeah. But this wasn't about, it's not about her. Well, so technically, it has been now 50 days since our many, many, many, many, many public records requests were filed and not fulfilled. Oh, no. So that is happening in a parallel track alongside this. North Carolina administrators, if you're listening to this and- Come on and raise up.

Raise up. Take your shirt off. Heels up. What do they say? They must have a thing. Oh, what's their slogan? Heels up. Click your heels. What is North Carolina Tar Heels slogan? Go blue. They have a song called I'm a Tar Heel Born. Do you want to listen to what that sounds like for a second? I do and I don't. That it's not as good as Something About You. Oh, it doesn't have the lyrics spoken.

Maybe you could sing them. You get the gist. I'm a Tar Heel born, I'm a Tar Heel bred, and when I die, I'm a Tar Heel dead. Dead. Nice. Wow. It's Tar Heel because they wouldn't run, right? They were brave?

I think that's why they're called tar heels. I just figured they made tar. I thought it was because they were being attacked and they were like, I ain't going to flee. My heels are stuck right here. Did you Google it at all? Or that was just all... That's just all rattling around in here. Instead of information that I need, that's what I got there. Tar heel state.

Okay, here we go. In its early years as a colony, North Carolina became an important source of the naval stores of tar and turpentine. Nope. Which they then put in the cigarettes.

Didn't they? Not seeing that quite yet. Well. What about heel, though? Here we go. Tar heel. The troops from other states call us tar heels. I am proud of the name as tar is a sticky substance and the tar heel stuck up like a sick kitten to a hot brick while many others from a more oily state slipped to the rear and left the tar heels to stick it out. This is from an 1863 article in a rally newspaper in which a Confederate soldier from North Carolina is quoted saying,

what he just said. The Tar Heels stick it out. A sick kitten to a hot brick. Sick kitten to a hot brick. That's bars right there. He was dropping, as they said at that time, some bars. You are praising a Confederate soldier's bars. Whoa, not me. I'm distancing myself from anything he just said. Look, I don't agree with stuff that they say, but the rappers from the Confederacy were incredible. I don't think that's true, actually. ♪♪

So I have a snack pack. We have a container of something that Katie does not know, but I know, and Michael knows. I barely know. I just thought it was a... What's the one everyone's playing? Pickleball? Yeah. It's not a pickleball hitter. It's a violin? Nope. Okay. It is what it says, but that's not going to explain. That's not going to help you. It says...

Omnicord. Omnicord. Oh, is it a ukulele? Nope. Okay, sure. What are we doing here? So far, so good. What's the purpose today? That meat's not going to open, is it? Honestly, I'll eat a gusto pack. I'm not afraid to. So much of my diet is gusto packs.

Small batch artisanal meats. Oh, gross. Smooth Vontina cheese, artisanal crackers. Gross, gross, gross. Genoa mild salami. Gross. Snack pack, keep refrigerated. Is that the one with the chocolate? Oh, it's got a little fruit bar. It's got a fruit bar. There's no fruit bar. It's just cheese, meat, and more meat. Oh, just crackers. Just straight protein and dairy and some artisanal crackers. No. Yeah. This is the adult Lunchable. Yes, very true. We have a lot of those in my home. Probably much more expensive. Oh, yeah.

A lot of salt in there, baby. Oh, yeah. I don't want to investigate that. Don't let me forget I'm putting this on the ground. Okay? Okay. I'll try to remember that. That's a disgusting place to rest your lollipop stick. Well, there's no trash in here. There's never been a trash in here, which is crazy. Where are the receptacles? Thank you. We're like Japan in here. Yes. You know what I'm talking about? No.

No trash cans. No trash cans. But I believe that we are like Japan. Or like New York City during a marathon. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Just pee in our pants. Yeah. Walking your dog and then you realize like, oh, something must be going on publicly this weekend because there's no garbage can anywhere. Is the whole episode going to be what we're doing right now? Because honestly, I'm great with it. I guess so. I didn't get high enough. I'm hyped. Yeah. I didn't get high at all. Damn, that sucks. I don't usually get high. I don't really get high. I tell you what, the littlest and I'm so far gone. Great. I'm absolutely obliterated. That's...

Economical. But I never, it's very hard for me to find a place where it's like, I'm glad that I did this. Just take one hit. Start there. Okay. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. What happens to you?

What happens to me? Do you get scared? Yeah, I kind of, well, I often become like so far gone often. I hardly ever do it. But like so far gone that I'm like paralyzed. You know what I mean? The very first time that I accidentally used a marijuana product, I was at a party and there were brownies and never even occurred to me that there would be weed in the brownies. So I ate like a few brownies. Because I'm the type of guy who'll go to a party and I'll eat a lot of your brownies.

I'll eat a lot. Just to be, you know, conscientious towards the chef. Yeah. Right. You made all these brownies. I'm going to let them sit here? You're the guy that walks in like the third time in the room and goes, oh, brownies. That's exactly right. Well, I got to eat them, even though it's your third of the day. You put them into a big shopping cart. Yeah. I make a big show out of it.

And yeah, I'll eat a few. So I ate a few brownies and it was by a pool. And I was sitting by the pool and I was like, I feel a little bit weird. And then people were like, you guys want to get in the pool? And I was like, yeah, I would love to get in the pool. And then my arms and legs would not move. And I was like, I guess I'm here for a while.

So that's kind of... I don't want to sound bad. I rarely get to the place where you're like, oh, I'm just a little bit happier than I was. I don't think eating a couple brownies was taking it easy. Like, that's like... No, you're right. If I ate a couple brownies, I would also be comatose. I guess that means I'm not good at... I feel like you seem like someone who's really... You're a connoisseur. Mm-mm. No? No, Dan is. I just, whatever he gets, I go, nice. And then I take a hit or two of it, and then I go, I'm good for three hours. I got you. Yeah, see, I just don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I need, like, a weed sommelier to...

Probably. To show me how to be a whore. Pablo could help. I'll be your Sherpa. He brought a bunch of weed to my house with athlete names on it. Athlete names? Oh, you didn't even watch the episode, Michael. Well, I did. Gary Payotian? I mean, that's the pun it could have been. It wasn't that pun, but yeah, that's close. So far, you're one for one. It's just Gary Payton. The glove. It's just called Gary Payton. Is that a pun? No, Payotian was a pun. No, but I thought, okay, but there wasn't one. No. Good. But what about...

What? The amount of times I come here and I forget to put my engagement ring back on is too many. Methinks the fiancé doth protest too much. Yeah, I don't wear my wedding ring. It's called a redding wing, and I don't wear it very much. Why? Because I have what is called... Because it's easier to cheat. Infidelity. Eczema. Oh. And so I get a cool little ring of eczema right around my hand, and it's not...

Fun to have that. Sure, sure, sure. As long as I don't sweat at all, it's fine. But if I do sweat, then it starts to accumulate under the ring. Yum. And this is also, this is like, how do you track metrics for this podcast? This is the kind of thing that makes me whoop. It's going great. Yeah, numbers are going through the roof. Yeah, so I give myself a shot. Let's describe your finger eczema more. No. No. I want to get to what Michael brought us. Okay. Is it food? No. No.

And I was told to bring it. What? You didn't tell me to bring anything. Yeah, I assumed you'd bring like a... Thanks. Honestly, I assumed you'd be bringing like some kind of obscure instrument also. I brought the funk. I thought you'd bring like a wood block or something. As you can see, I brought the funk. You did, that's true. We were all funk now. People don't even know that. I know. We don't... Zooped out of the episode. Sorry, sorry, sorry. We deleted that. Okay, sorry.

It might be free. It's fair use. That's an old song. We'll fair use Sound Alike for the fun. No, it's not going to be the same. We can do, the three of us can do an acapella. On whatever this is. Well, yeah. It's not acapella if we use this. Can you use, is the problem, you can't even license, you can't sing the song, right? No. Yeah, you can't do anything. Well. Is Level 42 litigious? I don't even remember them as a band.

Well, they're going to be litigious now that you said that. That was nice. We're coming for her. Is level 42 really going to sue us? Right. I dare you. Level 42. It's like when Bill Simmons said, what are you going to do, fire me? And then they very much did. Bill Simmons said that, and then next week, level 42 sued him. I am sorry, by the way, to Katie Nolan for getting you sucked into a larger internet happening in which you were asked questions like, which side are you on?

I've sucked it up and handled it, so I need Simmons to do the same. It's weird. Pablo's investigating it. He's doing a fantastic job. So I'm team Pablo. And I assume you are as well. Oh, yeah. But I picked you. It wasn't like there was no hesitation. I noticed. He didn't even listen to the episode. I was like, bro.

Come on. Pablo got into a media fight with another member of the media. His name is Bill Simmons. I believe we just talked about him. Bill Simmons took issue with Pablo's reporting. We don't need to read that. We can cut it out, but Pablo went to L.A. for his... Did you win the... No. He went for the what's it called?

Peabody's. Peabody's. What a Boston way to pronounce that. Yeah, that is, sorry, the Peabody's. Sorry, it's Peabody, Massachusetts. And he was out there in LA, so he did Simmons' podcast, like refuting Simmons saying that it was like whatever, reporting or whatever. And,

And basically during the episode, he was like, have you listened to any of the episodes that the aggregated clips are coming from that you're referring to? And Simmons was like, well, what I'd like to talk about instead. It was a skillful move by Bill. No, it was not. It was a skillful move by Bill. It was immediately, you could see right through it. It was like, so no then, Bill. I didn't realize that Peabody's, the Peabody's had nominations. I thought you just won it. Oh, no, there are nominations now. Oh. I know because I...

You have one. Didn't win it. I do. I have one. We noticed in your house. Oh, brother. Yeah. We did. Jan was like, you know, he's a somebody. And I did the thing that Connor McDavid did that everyone got mad at him for. I touched it.

Oh. Oh, that might have jinxed it. You see that thing that he touched the cup? You should neither touch nor hoist the conference trophies when those series have been won because the players, according to this footnoted Wikipedia page, feel that the Stanley Cup is a true championship trophy and only it should be hoisted. Yeah, we're kind of pretentious hockey fans that way.

But it is what it is. It's a known thing. I'm just trying to guess further and further away from the fact that Michael has the thing that I... Eczema on his hands? Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I don't have it right now. Don't give it to the cup. Right now, I don't have it. Right. Where is it? The eczema? Where are you keeping it? I don't have the eczema anywhere. Who's on first? No, you guys, I take a shot. I take a shot every two weeks. I'm a farmable. Really? Oh, you do? Which one? Wait, let me guess. Let me guess. It's... Because it's... Nothing is everything. Nothing is everything.

Now is the time to ask your dermatologist about Sky Rizzy. Uh-oh. Yeah, what is that one? Sky Rizzy? Oh, it's not that. It's not Sky Rizzy. Damn, that is Sky Rizzy, though. Have you seen the one where they have the... Oh, wait, we did an episode about this. We did? It's Dupixent. Yes, I must have...

I talk about it all the time. I love Dupix. Do more with Dupix. That's right. How do you know all of the jingles? Because I watch TV all day. I watch TV all day. There's a commercial where they have baseball fans in a stadium chanting Farsega. Farsega. Farsega. Farsega. Ask your doctor about Farsega. Farsega.

Now, there is one from a commercial that I noticed. Was I with you? I must not have been with you guys. But there is a pharmaceutical drug that is supposed to address a bent penis. Oh, yeah. For that's called Peyronie's. The disease is called Peyronie's. I cannot stress enough how this was unprepared by everybody. I believe it's called Peyronie's.

Disease. I mean, the level of quickness with you. Oh, yeah. Sure. There's a good one and a bad one. Spandora? Yeah, I got that. I made it up. I don't know. It is absolutely called Peyronie's. Thank you. That is the disease when a fibrous scar tissue inside the penis causes curved, painful erections. That's got to be such a bummer for Doug Peyronie. You know what I mean? Yeah. For the doctor to be like, actually, you're going to be famous on this. And he's like, wait, why? What? Please don't. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Name it after anything else. Can't you call it just Bendy Penis Disease? No, Doug, we're naming this after you. No, no, please. They need to understand how fibrous this scar tissue is. Oh, my goodness. Fibrous. I'm looking for the pharmaceutical. What the medicine is? It's not like just a splint? Xyoflex? I think it's Xyoflex. Damn. Xyoflex. Otherwise known as collagenase. Collagenase?

Adalimumab. Histolysitum. Lysticum. This is so off the rails. What are we doing? What is this? What is it for? What are the rails? What are the rails? Are we a train? Are you saying that you're trying to straighten the rails? No, absolutely not. Are you saying that there's a fibrous tissue perhaps in the rails? If it hurts, you should have it medicated. But I will say if it doesn't hurt and it curves a certain way, you could just leave it. Okay. That's just advice. But just think about how... That's just advice.

That's a freebie. That's just free advice. As long as it doesn't hurt, you can just leave it. Doug Peroni, why don't you call in, buddy? If it's going side to side, probably take the part. Take the Zykaflex. Right, but if it's up, you can leave it. My main reaction was like, wow, this must be a common affliction in order for this commercial to be aired online.

during the sporting event. They do a lot of dick-centered stuff during sports. Yeah, this is like, this is where we're going to get them. Remember baseball playoffs used to always be, what's the one that's not Viagra? The one that starts with maybe a C. Cialis. Cialis. That's right. Remember when there was... Nobody wanted to make that a big deal, but you knew that right away. Took me a second because I almost said Skyalis, but I knew that wasn't right. Skyrizzy. That would be embarrassing. Skyrizzy, that's when you put them, when you take them together. That's when you... Skyalis.

Nothing is everything is hard as f**k. Hey, you want to get f**ked. Sky Rizzy. Sky Rizzy. A flirtatious bird. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, you're right. We got it. Sky creature. What is the podcast? So, Mr. Peyronie. Yeah. Francois Gigo de la Peyronie. No. Okay. Okay.

A French surgeon. Oh, it was the surgeon. Oh, wow. And this is, I think, a real problem for the other Peyronies in this lineage because, yeah, he's the guy who discovered...

as it is described here, induration of the corpora cavernosa of the penis. Cavernosa? Oh, wow. You guys want to see a diagram? Probably not. Yeah. But yeah. I do. I do want to see the diagram. I do. Wait, where are we? Where are we? What are we looking at? We're looking at the constituent cavernous cylinders of the penis. I'm sorry? What's the... Where are we looking at? Is that the mushroom at the top? I don't know.

What's going on? The glands. I don't know what that is. This is like an old illustration. I don't know what that is. My dad is a urologist. This is totally exactly what he would want me doing. Totally exactly. Wikipedia-ing medical illustrations. Red Sox traded Rafi Devers. How is that? F***ing miserable. That must have been a real kick to the dorsal veins. F***ing miserable.

Let me close out some windows and open that one up. Close up some of my penis tabs. It has made me so miserable, and yet I brought it up because I don't want to talk about curved dick anymore on this podcast. Looking for a way out, she brought up her own deepest pain. And that is... Sounds like there should be a pharmaceutical product for what you're dealing with. I know. I think there's a lot of them. I think they have, yeah, there are actually a lot of those. I think I'm going to take them all at once. Well, let's not do that.

That feels a little severe. What if instead we unzipped something else? ♪

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Michael, I believe, has been spending his days when he's not around us doing something that we should enjoy now that he's here with us. Okay, so a friend of mine, a comedian, had an Omnicord in her office. I'm supposed to know what that is? And I started playing it, and I thought, oh, this is so fun, and then I bought one.

How much? Price point? It's like $750. Okay. It's kind of expensive. I love this. Below $1,000. And I got it like a week ago. Okay. And I also, I think since the last time I saw you guys, I broke my elbow. Did you know that? What? No, you seem like you're fine. I don't even know which one. My left elbow. So I've got some limited motions. How did you break it?

I was playing b-ball with the youths. Oh, man. And I'll tell you guys, I was fucking saucing these kids up. I bet. So I watched. I was actually ruining them. I've been grinding some Michael Gruzkane game tape. Yeah. What I love about Michael Gruzkane playing basketball is that he wears sweatpants. Okay. I do sometimes. I do sometimes. Why? I'm not afraid to do that. Well, just whatever's clean. Okay. It doesn't have to be that clean. Whatever's around, I'm going to wear. Basketball pants. Yeah. Common. But he's got a J. I was absolutely. Wait, what are you even talking about? Where have you seen me play basketball?

The same place. On Instagram? That I saw you play an Omnicord. I was so. Through your window. Let me tell you this. Let me tell you this story because it's worth it.

For this podcast. Okay. I was saucing these kids up, absolutely ruining some 20-year-olds. You were sky-rishing them. I'm feeling so good. So you know what I do? Something I haven't done in 10 years. I sprint from one end of the court to the other end of the court, and I'm calling for the ball. I'm saying, I'm telling the guy- Hit me. I'm going. I'm like, send it. I'm driving to the hoop. I see that. I'm tracking the ball with my eyes. I go to catch it. I'm fully extended. Oh, no. A much bigger, stronger, faster, younger man is doing the same thing I'm doing. Not a good idea. I-

leap off the ground. Must have been one, maybe 0.5 inches off the ground. Get absolutely mauled by this younger man. My legs go over my head and I catch myself with my arm extended, fracturing the radial head of my elbow. I'm kind of rolling around the ground for a little while. Everyone's like, are you okay? And you don't really know how injured you are right away. I was like, I think I'm fine.

So I play one more play. No. We're down by two, Katie. Damn. This is a real Klay Thompson situation. Your boy gets the ball on the wing. Wet. Game's over. And I go, you guys, I think I got to go. I think my radial head is K-Day. And then I left. I think, honestly, I think I've changed those kids' lives. Yeah. Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time not playing basketball, trying to learn how to play the Omnicore. Great. My God.

So that's it. It's right here. So you said, okay, computer. Nice. Nice. Nice. I don't know. You called the karma police. That's good. That's radio head. Radial head. You said the radial head of your elbow. I got you there. It took me a second. I knew that it was radio head. Of course. But I didn't get radial head. Right. Because they sound so different. That's all I can see. Why it took so long. You thought we just left you high and dry. Whoa. I don't even know. I don't know what that is. Fake plastic trees or whatever. That I know. Of course.

Man, well. Anywho. I'm feeling like a real creep and that's too much. Is it too easy? No, that's good stuff. Those are all the ones that I know. That's the best stuff.

TV talk show host on mute? Talk show on mute? Are you stroking out? Yeah, yeah. Oh, and of course, talk show on mute. That's a Radiohead. We're doing Radiohead songs. Is it a Radiohead song? I think so, but I can't remember the order of the words. Alexa, tell me if talk show on mute is a song. Talk show on mute is Incubus. Oh, f***. Wait, then what's the one I'm thinking of? TV... On the radio. No, that's a band. Video killed the radio star. Ha ha ha!

Sorry. Can you do this? No. What do we do? Hold on. We got to describe for our audio audience as a visual thing. Okay. So, Katie, can you describe actually what this is? She's Googling Radiohead songs. Talk show host. Talk show host. Talk show host. That was the song I was trying to think of. You said it like you were trying to make Jay Leno appear. This thing. I don't think that's who shows up. I don't think that's the one. Candyman rules. Um.

Omnicord by Suzuki. Yeah. It's a motorcycle. By the way, I didn't know this, but the motorcycle company also makes all that other stuff. Yeah. Yes. It's truly wild. What a company. Yamaha, I think, is also the same. Doesn't Yamaha make motorcycles and pianos? Yes. And like water skis, water jet skis. Water jet skis, ski waters? Maybe. Well, I just think like that. It's shaped like a bean. It's a little bean-like. Yeah. It's almost like the outline of a whistle.

One side, on the right side, the smaller, the tapered end, we have what appears to be a speaker. Yeah, that's right. I don't know what this ribbed part is. That's called a strum plate. Okay, there's a strum plate. And then we have a couple. That's a silvery strum plate. Well, that says that's the strum plate. No, these are the controls for the strum plate. You know what? Can I tell you? I'd say strumplet is what I would have said. Strumplet. There are like a zillion buttons. Rhythm, chord, keyboard, strumplet, voice pattern, and...

And then we have major, minor, the seventh, and all the different chords across the top. Sure do. Okay, so this is a push button. This is like a keyboard, but different. Yeah.

It's like a keyboard. I mean, honestly, you know, now you know as much about it as I do pretty much. So this also has an aesthetic of like, what year do you think this was made? 72. I think it definitely has the look of that. And I think it is modeled after some version of itself that was released around that time. But I think this is a relatively new instrument. It's probably money you paid for it. It better be at least. So you bought this on the internet? I used the internet to buy it. I said Omnicord.com.

buy and I went to shopping and then I bought it. And here it is. Wow. Okay. And this is the OM-108 model. OM-108. Yeah. So my daughter and my wife went to El Paso to see Coldplay with my brother and his girlfriend. Okay. And you were not invited. I was neither there nor was I invited. Okay. So I was at home and I taught myself to play

the beginning of one Coldplay song on here. Oh, I think I watched you doing this on the internet and I couldn't watch it. So I changed. I think I scrolled past pretty quickly. You couldn't watch it because it's like so cringe. Yeah. No, no, no. It's because it was so good and I was like, I'm not ready for this. I think I had just had a little bit of drugs and was like, I don't think he needs to look in my eyes and sing. I don't think I need to have him look me in the eye and sing personally. So, and then I guess Pablo saw this video, which I think...

Having looked at it, I think maybe a hundred people have seen. Nice. It's been shadow banned by Instagram, rightfully. People can't see this kind of stuff. Too hot for TV. I made immediate direct eye contact with it. Yeah, sick. Uh,

And then you want him to do it live? And then for some reason you had me bring it here. You did. What I wasn't sure about is like... Just in my defense, okay? You're saying if, I don't know, some other trio of friends you hung out with, one of them bought a musical instrument and displayed a proficiency with it, you wouldn't have follow-ups?

No, I sure would. I would. I would. If Katie bought a theremin, I'd be like, bring that shit in. That's what I thought would happen. What I thought would make sense to me is you were like, Michael, you bring your Omnicord. Katie's going to bring her theremin. I've got, you know, a glass kazoo. A pan flute. A pan flute. And I will play it like Zomfear, the master of the pan flute. And together we'll play. How are you even going to zugle? Zugle. Look that up on Zugle.

We just replayed Katie dismissively saying Zungle. How are you going to Zungle that?

How are you even getting a Zougal? Zougal. Zougalette. Zamphir? How are you spelling it? Zamphir. George Zamphir. Oh, it's exactly how you would have spelled it. My God. Wow. Master of the piano flute. I didn't. Hello, darkness, my old friend. Zamphir, man. Jesus. Romanian. And alive. 84 years young. Capital of Romania? And he's known as...

Yeah. He's from Gaiesti. That is it. Okay. Sorry. Play your f***ing thing. Let's go. The master of the pan flute is Zomfier, the master of the Omnicord. Well. It's not. I'm not even good at it. I'm about to hear it. I've had it for a week. Listen.

I've had it for a week. I'm better at the piano than I am at this, and I suck shit at the piano. Yeah. Woo, am I bad on the piano. Did you ever take piano lessons? No. But I had a boyfriend who was super into Billy Joel. Sure. Who once taught me a Billy Joel song. Scenes from an Italian restaurant. What song? It might have been. Goodnight Saigon. No. I think it was...

It was a doodly-doo-doo, doodly-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. I think that is Caesar Italian Restaurant. Doodly-doo-doo, doodly-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Yes, that is it. Yeah. So I used to be able to do that. I could not do that now. That feels like a relatively complicated first thing. It was incredibly complicated. This guy sounds like he rules so far. And that boyfriend, Billy Joel. Yeah. Yes.

He was a big Billy Joel fan, and his name was Billy Joel. No relation. None. Try as he might. He's really queuing on now, that ex of mine. I recently saw him reposting Newsmax, and I was like, Jesus, I got out. Oh, boy. What's his name? We can zoogle it. Look him up on Zoogle.

My internet search history is whacked out. It's real crazy. I'm on a terror alert list of some kind now. So no, I never took any piano lessons. I played clarinet in middle school. What was your go-to song? Oh, I don't know. Whatever we were playing that week. But I was second clarinet. That's pretty good. Yeah, it was decent.

How many clarinets were there? I don't know, five. Two. Or maybe two. I got to sit in the second clarinet seat. I had solos. You didn't think of going pro with it? No. I couldn't even tell you why I chose clarinet. I don't remember at all. I just, I loved it.

It's a beautiful instrument. It's like a girly oboe. Yeah. A she-oboe. Yeah. I took piano lessons. Nice. I can play one song. Chopsticks? No, I can play, well, yes, two songs. Chopsticks and Für Elise. Nice. By an artist you may have heard of before. Sting.

Not the police. It's actually the police. Yeah. It's Mozart. I think it's Beethoven. I think Beethoven. Beethoven. Ibiza? We go to Ibiza? Crazy. The Beethoven? Crazy. I had a little Yamaha, a little white Yamaha keyboard. I wanted to play piano. And I remember once I saw it when I saw Home Alone. Somewhere in my memory. Remember that song? Nope. Dude.

Oh, yeah. I went upstairs and taught myself that on my little... But it wasn't knowing piano. It wasn't like making it sound good. It was going... But even that... But that's pretty sophisticated to be able to hear it and be like, I could play that. I don't think it is. A lot of people can't do that. A lot of people can't hear a song and go, I can match it to this.

Is that perfect pitch? Yeah. Are we finding out right now that you're a musical savant? Are you Beethoven? Yes. So that's my, that's the extent of my music. Stevie Wonder. And then I tried to play guitar when I was in college and my hands are too small. What were you trying to play, Billy Joel? No, John Mayer. That was when I was in my John Mayer phase. And so my, the song I could play, again, to start way too difficult than like easy chords is,

There's a John Mayer song called Comfortable, and the beginning of it is like this very beautiful, complicated, and I could play that. I couldn't now, but I could then. I feel like we're learning you're secretly really good at instruments. Yeah. I don't think that I am. She can accurately describe. I think that I start them, and then I stop them. It's the Smuckers Uncrustables podcast with your host, Uncrustables.

Okay, today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome Crust. Thanks for having me. Today's topic, he's round with soft pillowy bread. Hey. Filled with delicious PB&J. Are you talking about yourself? And you can take him anywhere. Why'd you invite him? And we are out of time. Are you really cutting me off? Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. Sorry, Crust. Hi, welcome to IKEA.

This is my college campus. Correct. But I see you're on IKEA.com ordering some college items. My daughter's room is pretty bare. We need a lamp, some comfy pillows, her favorite stuffy. Dad! With pickup options, we've got what you need to conveniently order IKEA. Literally anywhere. Sweet. More time for gaming. And studying. Wait, where are you going now? Got to show the ultimate frisbee team how easy it is to order from IKEA. Get IKEA whenever, wherever, however you want. Choose from thousands of pickup locations, affordable delivery options, and more.

Now tell me how this works. I don't understand it. Okay, well I don't understand it either, so we're gonna find out together. Let's do this thing where we point your microphone, Katie, at it. Okay. And we'll point this microphone at us. People who actually know how to use this instrument are going to be sad about this.

Oh, there it is. Okay. And then, well, I mean, I'm just going to play it. So, like, cool. It does, like... I feel like we're your backup band. It's very, like... Do-wop-wop. Do-wop-wop. Oh! I love this instrument already. But check it out. What?! I mean, isn't it just fun? It's so pretty. And the thing is that a dog could play it. Nothing. Changed nothing. This is like if Chris Martin was in Zelda. Yeah.

How do I make it funk? That was basically the chords of Fix You. Thank you so much. How do I make it funk? That comes, that happens. He's twisting knobs. Ooh, yeah, the dance remix? And then if you want other rhythms in the background, this is the same rhythm. It didn't change. Oh, that's rock too. This is just an ad for the Omnicord.

But you need the chords to be playing. Booyah bass? Oh, bossa nova. Booyah bass. Activate booyah bass mode. And that, my friends, is everything I know about the Omnicord. Now you know everything I know. There are other things you can do on it. See this button that says keyboard here? Yeah. What does that do? I don't know. Great. That's a great question to ask. I haven't had long enough to know. They're yelling at me that I need to take my mic back. Okay, you have it.

That was cool. I don't feel like I know it any better. This is, I like this part the most. Yeah, can we do that more? And what's the little one for? Oh, the little one. The little one. Okay, wait. The little one. It's like whatever's happening, the little one goes, stop. Oh. The little makes it all stop. Okay. And you know that this instrument

was designed by someone who had a child because then at some point they had to put a button on it to be like, it makes it, it makes it just brilliant. What are your, Oh, so have you unveiled this to your kids?

Well, they all saw the Instagram. I would say that my children approached it with apprehension, but have taken kind of, have taken an interest in it because it is a thing where like you go to a song that you like and you see the chords and you're like, and now I can play every song. And now I just push the button. Yeah. You don't have to figure out how to make your fingers do that. You just go boop. It's a really great intro to playing music. Yeah. There's a whole subreddit.

R slash Omnicord. Cool. Did they post you in it? I hope not. They go, check out this guy. Omnicording. It's going to be people in cool bands.

Do cool bands use these? I don't know. Maybe. Who uses these? I think the Gorillaz. Is Gorillaz? That's a band, right? Oh, yeah. Of course it's a band. You don't have to do that. I think they have a song. I couldn't name a song that Gorillaz does. Yes, you could. I could? Yeah. Feel Good Inc. How's that go? Feel good. I don't think I know. Feel good. Oh, maybe I did. When you went down, I knew it. Thank you. But I think they have a song that they made on the Omnicord. Cut that out, by the way.

Show me somebody wailing out on the thing. Gorillas, Clint Eastwood is an Omnicord preset. Oh, Clint Eastwood. I ain't happy. I'm feeling good. I got sunshine. Oh, I know that song. That's them.

Oh, yeah. You can make that do that. You have that? I don't know what chords they are. Okay, well, I'll show you the screenshot. Oh, my God. This is crazy. That looks different than yours. Yeah, this is like an old one. He's got four little buttons. Yeah, that's probably the OG Omnicord. But if you put it on auto mode, it will go through chord progressions on its own. And so this is the podcast? Just you wait until we reveal our... Jordan Hudson's here! Mystery guest!

She's here!

Man, okay, so I'm going to buy an Omnicord. Oh my God, really? Are we all going to buy them? Then we'll have an Omnicord and stuff? Yeah, guys, we're starting a band. A three Omnicord band where nobody plays anything different. We all play the same instrument. It's crazy. Press the button together. Oh man, this rules. Okay, I would like to have Michael, though, perform the song using...

His voice. Wait, why? You're going to make him sing for us? It was mid-yawn. Wait, really? You're going to make him do the thing live? I couldn't even stomach on my phone? Yes. I have to look at him while he sings? Can I turn my back? It's no offense. Like the voice? Really? Yes. And I'll spin around if I like it. We can do the voice style. I really don't like looking at people directly while they sing. It makes me so uncomfortable. I'm sorry about it. I'm sorry about it. Don't you need to clean? Can I even sing the song on here? Yeah.

That's a really good point. I'm turning my chair just in case. He's making a really good point. No, no, no. We are going to... I don't want to be sued by Chris Martin for singing this song and also be singing it badly. But what if we're journalistically analyzing it such that we are going to fair use your rendition of this song? Is it Fix You? Uh-huh.

I think I know somebody who was one of the producers on that album. So maybe we could call him. Maybe they'll hire me. We got a new Omnicorn guy. Does that make them more or less likely to litigate? Hey, you know that sound you've been looking for? Well, this is not it. I would like for you to play it and then we can figure out if this is a thing we can air or not. Why? Because as Katie Nolan has turned her chair around,

This is the voice. I need to journalistically establish that we're going to discuss this, its contents, its lyrical value, its musical execution, through the lens, of course, of how I intend this, which is as a dedication to Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson. When you try your best, but you don't succeed. Oh, you sing it. You sing it. I don't even know the right... Honest to God, I don't know all the words. Look them up.

But don't look at me, you know?

Do you want me to hold the lyrics on my computer in front of you like a physical karaoke machine? My Filipino destiny? People listen to this podcast. More than ever, actually. This is a big moment for you. This is your way of going. We got too many people listening to this. We were like, what if you jet skied over the shark? Let's call the herd. Let's have singing happen.

Too many people here. Let's clear the room out. Michael? This is true. It really is that. It's like it's me bringing my guitar to a party of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except in this case, the host of the party will not let you leave until he gets his dose. And girls are turning their backs. It's actually doing the opposite. I feel like the rats that are being driven out of the city. Listen. Listen.

Do you really want me to do this? I think it has to happen now at this point. Do you want me to open the snack pack? Because that's the backup plan. I can give you backup vocals. We've got a snack up backup. That's all I got.

So, again... This has a lot of, like, long-term humiliation potential. Yes, it does. But this is not... It's not about you. It's about... The music. Bill and Jordan. Now, that I'm not understanding. For whom, I think... I've seen the connection at all of this. Because I believe, because journalistically speaking, I believe that this is a song that we can discuss in the context of journalism that allows us to use it for fair use. Okay. And this... I still don't think that's true. The contents of this, I think, are...

I would say this is Jordan. But he tried his best and he did succeed. Or... Well, maybe we should let the song decide. You're right. You're so right. Are we doing it or not? Because I'm going to throw up. Is this really... Katie's going to look that way. I'm going to look directly at Michael. I'm...

I am vibrating with anxiety. Sure. Just thinking about all the ways that people will be able to make fun of me forever. I mean, I already posted a video of myself doing this on Instagram. Which was crazy. Which was kind of a cringe thing to do from the outset. No. That wasn't cringe. It was bold and brave. No.

Just not for me. It just wasn't for me. This is going to be the last time we see each other. Probably. This is it. I've had so much fun. This is it. We've had a good run. This is it for us as a show. We really did. Five, six, seven, eight. Oh my God. Why are there more microphones?

Okay, let's just... Let's just do it. We're really gonna do this? Let's just do it fast. Yeah, let's just do it really fast. Do it at the pace that the artist intended. What the hell is this show? It's also not a good key for me. I should probably learn how to play it in a different key. It's too high. Also, I haven't warmed up my voice. I haven't had any tea today. When you... Okay, let's just start over. When you... When you try... Okay. F*** me. All right.

When you try your best and you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. That was a nice little run. I'm not turning around yet. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Yeah! Stuck in a river. Beautiful. He can sing! This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Meadowlark Media production.

and I'll talk to you next time.