Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
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How soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce? My wife decided she wanted a divorce and there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things. Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. When she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home. You didn't really see that coming?

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us talking about your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Real people going through real challenges from all over the planet. Give me a call. 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee? Hey, Dr. Deloney. I'm just wondering, how soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce? Ooh, good question. Tell me about your world, man. Well, about...

Oh, about a year and a half ago, my wife went to live with her folks to take care of her mom. And then about half a year ago, she decided she wanted a divorce. And there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and stuff.

uh, some other things that I, uh, I worked on and tried to save the marriage. And, uh, but in the end, she went ahead with a divorce and, um, what were the other things on your end? Uh, I was, I, I hesitate to say financially abusive, but, uh,

I, when, whenever we would get a tax refund, like the first year that we were married, she, she first two years we were married, she spent the tax refunds for, I had a chance to have any input. And then ever since then, I, I would spend them without taking any input from her. And I would justify that because, Oh, well, she spent,

She spent those two tax refunds, so now these other 12 I've spent. How did you share finances? We did full, just all in on keeping everything together. Where else did you say, this is mine and this is yours?

You did that with your fantasy life, and you did that with tax refund checks. Where else did you do that? I would say that, yeah, it was kind of the house was not so much me, but on her end, the house was always hers, and I didn't really get much of a say in what was, you know, like...

Hey, I need a trash can here. Can I have that? No, I don't want that trash can there. Stuff like that. When she moved to go take care of her parents, how often did you see each other? How often did y'all talk? We talked every day, but we'd see each other maybe twice a month. Okay. Were those just conjugal visits or were they high fives and you'd just go back home? Sometimes conjugal visits.

Tried to, you know, tried to when we were able to. We had five kids, so I wasn't always able to do that even. But when we were able to, you know, I'd try to make it a date and, you know, spend some time together. Where are your kids? They live with her now. How old are they? They are 11, 10, 9, 7, and 6. Golly. How far away are you?

I'm on the other side of town. Okay, but you're in the same community? Yeah. Okay. And all these questions I'm asking, they're serving a purpose, and here's where I'm headed with them. Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. And so there's not a good standard stamp answer to how long after a divorce is finalized is it smart or safe to start dating because it's so context-dependent.

the way you're painting it, and you and I could probably talk over a couple of drinks here in Oklahoma City for a couple hours, it sounds like y'all have been roommates for a long time. And when you're roommates, this is mine, this is yours, you did this, oh, well, I'm going to do this, and there's scorekeeping, and I did the dishes on Friday, and you owe me $4.28 for the Arby's meal that one time. When there's that kind of

Like my buddy George Campbell said, it's like when couples start Venmoing each other, right? Y'all are roommates because that's what me and my roommates did in college. And so when you're there and then somebody takes off and you throw five kids into the mix under 11, right? You can't survive that if you are not completely unified in a singular purpose on we're building something together.

So, my suggestion would be, or just in two seconds of hearing you talk is, you've been living a separate life for a long time. You all come together to make kids, and at the same time, it sounds like, and tell me if I'm bonkers, when she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home on a divorce, you didn't really see that coming? I didn't. Okay. So, how long ago, six months ago, about right now, when she said, I'm filing? Yeah. Yeah.

How long were you married, man? 14 years. My gut tells me you're still walking around the house after the tornado, just sitting in the damage of a house that's been completely blown over. And you're trying to see, like, I can save this potholder. This guitar still was in a case. It's okay. Here's a few photo out. But, like, you're still walking around a completely wiped out house. Is that fair? Yeah. And something else that you said that raises an eyebrow for me is...

When she made this announcement, you went into try-to-save-it mode, which means six months later, you may be sitting at your house right now on the phone with me, really beating yourself up for, quote-unquote, what you did to blow up this house. Or that somehow this is all your fault. You don't get to see your kids every night because this is all your fault. Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely where I'm at. Can I just tell you, man, I wouldn't wish where you are on my worst enemy in the world. I'm sorry, dude. Thank you.

I know that doesn't bring her back. It doesn't bring your kids bouncing through the house back. And, um, you never thought you would miss all the noise in the house, right? And now that house gets death or your apartment or wherever you're living gets really, really quiet at night. Doesn't it? Yeah, it really does. I'm sorry, man. So tell me about what you're thinking with dating. Well, I'm, uh, definitely looking not to make the same mistakes that I did, um, in my, in my marriage. Um,

And I'm just, you know, I'm looking for a companion, a wife, somebody that I can walk with the Lord with. My fear for you, brother, is you're doing probably what I would do, which is the very overly masculine one tool in the toolkit response, which is this. You're going to go fix this. You're going to fix you. You're going to fix a future marriage.

You just need, it's kind of like you're at the YMCA and somebody, a team just came in and wiped your team out, just crushed y'all. And you immediately are like, I'm not going home like this. Let's run it back with another team. I got to get back out on the court right now. And if you do that before you sit down with your team and say, hey, why do we get beat so bad? And we got to work on our shots and we got to work on passing. We got to learn a few plays. You're just going to, the tendency is I want to fix this right now.

I want to stop hurting so bad. And you quickly tell yourself a story. Oh, what will make me not hurt is a companion, a wife, a chance to run this thing back. Because now I've got my pornography problem licked. Now I'm never going to say this is mine and that's yours. I'm not going to do that again. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. And most of the time I see that happen, I see people run right back into the exact same brick wall they just got a concussion from.

Does that sound right? Or do I sound crazy? It sounds like you're really staggeringly and completely under, I completely understand it. It sounds like you are staggeringly lonely. Yeah, I'm definitely lonely. Yeah. Here's what I would, I hate on two ends. I hate for you just the thought of you, just a good guy, just sitting at home. I hate the thought of you just being at home in a quiet house by yourself in every evening.

And I hate when your kids, you get to see your kids, you suddenly have to perform. You don't get to just be with them with your shoulders dropped. It has to be a show now. I hate that for you and I hate that for them. And on the other side, I would hate to see you two years down the road, dating and dating and dating and trying and trying to fill that void with another person, another person, another person. But the same demons are still haunting you. And so the demons I'm concerned about are beneath the pornography, beneath the

What must be true for me to feel alive in my own skin, in my own house, in a house with five rambunctious bananas kids, with a wife who doesn't look the same, who's tired, who's exhausted, but we're all on the same team, that we don't keep score together, that you're able to hear feedback and criticism and go forward. Those same demons are going to haunt you wherever you go. So all I have to say is my dream for you would be

And I learned this from Dr. Young, who trained me. I would love for you to say, I'm not going to jump into anything for six months to a year after the smoke clears. And I don't think the smoke has cleared yet. What I would love you to do, though, is get a group of guys that y'all commit to going fishing every Saturday. Or you'll never hear me recommend this again, but go play golf.

Go play pickleball. Go, I don't know what you're into. Go bowling. Go do silly stuff, but start, fill the void with real relationships with men, with guys that you can finally practice being yourself. You've never been allowed to fully be yourself. And fully being yourself wasn't always great, right? So you have to have guys that call you out. An exhausted mom of four who's pregnant with number five just may not have the energy to fight you when she finds out you just spent the $2,000 on a TV or a golf club or whatever you spend the tax return on.

A buddy for sure will, right? I do have a group that I get together with on Tuesdays to go shooting. Awesome. That's fantastic. After y'all go shooting, I want to challenge you for the next 60 days, the next two months to have the courage to say, hey, we're watching whatever fights, whatever game, whatever's going on at my house or at the local Wild Wings or whatever.

I'm getting the first round or I'm buying the first round of wings. I'd love to invite y'all to come. And several guys can be like, no, I got family. I got this, but a couple will show up. I would challenge you to do that and begin exhaling and learning that you're not the worst person who's ever lived. And it took two people to tango in the marriage you had, and you've got to learn to forgive yourself and you've got to learn to exhale. In short, the Twitter statement here is become a guy through action that you deeply respect.

And then that gives a new romantic partner something to anchor into when you meet. Otherwise, you're using somebody else to feel better. And that makes you a parasite. That makes you like a vampire. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes good sense. Is there anything about you, and this is just you being vulnerable, anything about you that you don't respect? I've got several things with me. What about you?

Yeah, definitely. Rattle them off. Say a couple out loud. Early in my marriage to my wife, I had forced myself on her at one point. Okay. And I had trouble respecting myself from that. Still haunts you? Yeah. Have you sought forgiveness and to make that right with her? Yeah. Okay.

So I'm going to tell you with that lingering fear of yourself, that lingering, you can't trust yourself. 15 years later, 14 years later, that's a place where I want you to spend some time working on it. Because every time you feel like something's going well, that little demon is going to pop up and say, yeah, but one time years ago you did this. Yeah. My dream for you, brother, is you find forgiveness for yourself, peace for yourself through a community of men who hold you accountable. You'll have fun with, you'll laugh with, you'll learn things with, you'll do silly things with.

And from there, you become a man that you respect, which then in turn, you're not expecting somebody else to fill that gap for you. You're able to show up for somebody whole and then they can anchor in. And now y'all are off to the races. Grateful for the call, man. Thanks for trusting me just to throw some things out there for you to chew on. Hey, coming up, we are talking to a veteran who is struggling with alcoholism. We'll be right back.

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Hey, how's it going, John? What's up, my brother? I'm doing great, man. How are you? I'm hanging in. I'm super excited to be talking to you. Awesome. Hey, can I just say, I don't even know what you're hanging on to, but I'm proud of you for hanging in there. Whatever's going on. Thank you. Good on you, man. What's up? Thanks. So my question is, how do I overcome alcohol and isolation? I served in the Marines for four years and picked up heavy drinking there.

I quit for almost three years after I got out of the military, but I got divorced during COVID and went through kind of like a year and a half spree of making some really bad choices. Then in June of 2022, God kind of gave me a wake-up call, and I turned a lot of really bad behaviors around. I've learned a lot, but alcohol is just...

It's an everyday occurrence. It's an end of the day kind of thing. I get home and I just, whether I'm lonely or I, I, I'm kind of at a breaking point with this thing that has just followed me. Uh, yeah. How often do you say this out loud? The story you just told me a lot to myself, to other people.

Um, I try to be transparent. Uh, people are usually surprised when I tell them I have a drinking problem, but the last time I lied about it, it just ended up being really bad. So I don't think you have a drinking problem to be honest with you. And bro, feel free to challenge me. Okay. Yeah. I think alcohol is playing an important role in your life. I think you have an, I don't love Tyler problem.

and a I've created a life that I don't want to live in anymore, then alcohol plays a pretty important role in keeping you from doing something pretty stupid. Yeah, I can see that. You sound tired, man. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm not talking about tired from sleep. I went to a concert last night. I'm tired. You sound like you're tired of, you're exhausted from being in your own skin. Yeah. Mostly just tired of fighting. There you go. It's an everyday thing. Yeah.

How long have you been fighting, dude? Not just alcohol, but how long have you been fighting, Tyler? My whole life, I think. Yeah. When did you realize Tyler's life was something you needed to escape from? Probably as a kid. Home life wasn't the best. I have a great family for the most part, but... So you just said two important things in the Marines I've sat with over the years. Not that great. And for the most part...

are usually fantastic cover-ups for some pretty gnarly stuff. Yeah. I've had to swallow a lot. Yeah. And I guess two years ago, I got to a point where I said I'm not swallowing anymore. Yep. And I'm becoming more sensitive. And the more I'm starting to reconnect with myself, the more I'm closing up to the world. Tell me about that. So...

Um, the Marine Corps gave me a great tool, which was swallow it, swallow it and fight on, deal with it later. And I discovered your show and I've been on this walk of, of becoming stronger, um, walking with God. And as I'm opening up these old boxes, it's just really hard to sit in it, uh,

So when I was a kid, my sister, Oh, go ahead. No, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. Go ahead. I was just saying, uh, uh, my sister was a meth addict, uh, growing up in the home and she had a kid and my brother deployed in 2005 to Iraq, all those things kind of happening all at the same time. My dad was gone and I've always been called like I'm the youngest. I've always been called like the anchor of my family or the peacemaker or, and, uh,

Now that I'm alone out here in Tennessee, it's just been trying to figure out who I am or who I want to be. Sorry, I don't mean to throw so much at you at once. Bro, I feel like you're truly honoring me, so don't ever apologize, okay? I made a choice to sit down and talk with you, and it's an honor, okay? Thank you. So here's the one gap I see in your entire story, okay? And this is just me promising you I'm going to tell you the truth. I can't

My buddies who are SEALs can't. You can't. You cannot hold all of this by yourself, period. Yeah. And the gap between this work you're doing, which, dude, is freaking noble. I'm proud of you. It's awesome. But the gap between this work and you exhaling and finally setting all these cinder blocks you're carrying around down is you have to get with other people. You cannot do this by yourself.

It's the same thing as you would not get in a truck as a gunner and just head out past the wire by yourself. You wouldn't do – nobody would do that. It's insane. Yet so many of you guys come home and you go in your apartment and you know, you know better than I will ever know what brotherhood is, what friendship is because you got a line of people who are ready to get deployed and die on your behalf and you for them.

Yeah. And so you come home to an apartment and Janet next to you is like, um, you left your trash can lit up, right? So you, I mean, you know that disconnect and you all, you have a second layer. Somehow you've convinced yourself that there's shame in being trained and not going. And so you don't feel like you're fully in that gang, but you're not fully in the civilian gang. And by the way, you've been holding up your whole family forever. And you just kind of blew over my dad left. You know, you get what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. And you got a six-year-old who's now, how old are you now? I'm 29. Yeah, you got a six-year-old wondering why I don't fit in with the military guys with the stories and why I don't fit in with my civilian friends and why I don't fit in in this town where I don't have any friends. And then by the way, dad, what was so bad about me that you left? Yeah. Of course you're drinking, bro. Alcohol works. And this is going to sound crazy. I'm going to applaud you for finding something that works in the meantime. And your strategy is going to kill you. You know that, right?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. So instead of continually fighting, what's essentially become a crutch for you until you go sit with a trauma counselor and walk through and let that little six-year-old boy stop wondering what was so bad about him. Because by the way, nothing. And that peacemaker skillset you have can stop working for everybody else, making sure they're at peace and you can start working on inside. I can, I'm worth having peace. Yeah. Then you deal with the alcohol.

Because you've got a new support system to help you walk. What scares you about talking to people in real life? They'll know too much of me. I leave a pretty good first impression. I'm a good worker. I'm a hard worker. You're a Broadway performer. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a pretty good performer. But yeah, letting people see all of me, I'm a little bit scared of. What's so bad about you that if somebody sees it?

that they're going to be disgusted or walk away or not want to be around you? I'm just really ashamed of my past, I think. I don't measure up to the hype. Now that you ask, it's kind of like there is no real... I shouldn't be this disgusted with myself. Let's throw the shoulds out, and I just want to suggest that disgust has probably played a role in keeping you safe too. Yeah. Yeah.

If you can make the switch from I should have and I have to and I've got to and I need to, if you can make the shift to I get to because I'm worth it, that's peace. I get to tell the truth because I'm worth not hiding from. I'm a pretty good guy. Yeah. I grew up in a hellscape and I've told everyone my whole life that I was good except for a few things. Growing up in the house with somebody who struggles with math and also her kid and your brother going off to get a bunch of medals and pins.

and your dad disappearing, and your mom living in that chaos, and you being her emotional support animal, bro, no kid can carry that. And you're almost 30, and you're still carrying it. Yeah. And I think, I want you to, yes, I want you to cut back on drinking. I want you to sit with somebody and begin to work through that.

But I want your position to not be, I need to stop drinking because what you'll do is if you don't deal with that six-year-old kid inside your chest, you're just going to move to another thing. And it might be work or it might be rage or it might be success. It might be some, it's just going to be another drug. Right. Instead, I want your position to be, I am declaring a ceasefire inside my own chest. My nine-year-old self wanted to go to war. My 30-year-old self is glad I'm still here in all one piece.

My 21-year-old self wanted to get in the action too, and bro, I totally get that. And maybe I'm going to go back to grad school and become a counselor and sit with those that did because I can speak their language. Just the landscape is wide open. I just need you to believe it. For the listeners, we often change the state and the town just in case.

I'm going to put this out there and you can let me know who's on the phones right now when we get off the call. If you're in my area here, I want to get your contact info and I'll go have coffee with you. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Do me a favor. Make a fist. Yeah. Whatever hand you would punch somebody in the mouth with, make a fist with that hand, left-handed or right-handed. Yeah. And put it right square in the middle of your chest. Okay. Okay.

And exhale as deep as you can and pull your shoulders all the way down. And say these words to me and the millions of people that will see this clip. I love this guy. I love this guy. And I'm done fighting him. And I'm done fighting him. And today is day one. Today is day one. Amen. Amen. So you get off this phone call. I want you to pull up Google and I want you to commit to go into a meeting tonight, okay? Yes, sir. And no more hiding. You have nothing to hide about. Have you done stupid stuff? Yes, we all have.

Have you done some big stupid stuff people don't know about? Probably. Yeah. You've been working really hard on making yourself a great dad, a good man. You're doing the next right thing. You called me next right thing. You're going to sign up for a counselor. Next right thing. You're going to go talk to, uh, like go to start going to meetings. Next right thing. Are you back in the gym? Yeah. That's the only thing that I do. Right. That's not true. That's not true. You take your little boy for ice cream.

Absolutely. That's something you do, right? You tell him you love him every time you see him? Every time. That's something you do, right? Do you wrestle with him? Oh, yeah. That's something you do, right? Do you honor his mom even if she makes it really tough on you? I treat her with the utmost respect. She's the mother of my child. You're doing a whole bunch right, brother. So that not true statement, that dishonest statement, you're not going to say that anymore. You're doing a lot of things right. Understood. Fair? Very fair. It has been a high honor to talk to you today, brother.

I don't get to talk to a lot of men. I talk to a lot of men who are doing good stuff, and I talk to a lot of men who feel frozen and stuck. I don't get to talk to a lot of men who are frozen and yet are scratching and clawing from the inside of that ice cube to get out, and that's what you're doing. And I've got the utmost respect for you, man. Thank you. Okay. Day one. Day one. And if you drink on day seven, okay.

Shoot me a direct message on Instagram and just say day one and I'll applaud you again because we're back on the horse. But we're not going to war with Tyler anymore. We're making peace with Tyler. Cease fire. It's over. We're friends now. Now we're going to do the next right thing together. And that cannot be done alone. Has to be done to other people. Period. Point blank. End of story. Yeah. If you come down and visit me, I'll have coffee with you. If you bring a couple of guys, I'll take you out for lunch and buy your lunch. How about that? Okay. Game on? Sounds amazing.

Game on. All right. Hi, hi, Honor. I'm going to send you Building a Non-Anxious Life as just a gift. It's a roadmap for you, man. And the secret to that book is it's not just about anxiety. It's about being uncomfortable in your own skin. It's not going to be a tool to help you stop drinking, but it will help you build a life that will make alcohol less and less relevant. Okay? And if you're like any of my other buddies who are veterans, I'm going to also send you...

The network I work for is the Ramsey Network. Their flagship product is Financial Peace. I'm going to send you that too. And you can start getting control of your money because I know that haunts you too. Fair? Very fair. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. And I'm going to give you all nine lessons. They're digital lessons. You can just watch them by yourself. Or if you want to be a gangster, have your six-year-old sit down by you and watch them together. And y'all can talk about them over ice cream. And you can say, this cycle stops with me. Yes, sir. Cool. Game on? Game on. All right. I love you, good man. I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I am proud of you, dude. Hey, if everybody's listening, this right here, what you just heard from brother Tyler here, this is what bravery and courage looks in real time in the real world. Having the grit and determination, I will make the next right step. God, it's what an honor to talk to you, man.

When we come back, I'm going to talk to a new mom who is mourning the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and struggling with the idea of going back to work. This applies to millions of you because I get your questions. Stay tuned.

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Running a scam called a podcast. What's up? How can I help? So I'm currently struggling being back at work when my desire is to just be a stay-at-home mom and the best wife that I can be. So I'm just kind of wondering how to navigate this next season of life. Why'd you go back to work? I went back about two months ago. How come?

I'm basically the one who has the health insurance, dental, all those benefits. Are you married? I am, yes. What's your partner do? He is a sales rep for, he does rust proofing on vehicles and helps the sales guys sell their product. Okay. What's he make a year? Last year he made about 180. Okay. So y'all can afford health insurance if you wanted it, right?

Yes. Okay. So answer me the question. Why are you back at work? Basically to help provide for the lifestyle we enjoy. There you go. So it feels so cruel and soulless, right, when I ask it like this. What do you want more, the Tahoe and the jet skis, or do you want to be holding your babies? Holding my baby. Is he not on board with this plan? He sees it more when...

There's more than one kid in the picture. I feel like you're holding back a little bit. Yeah. I think he says it, but I don't know that he is on board. He grew up pretty comfortable. He makes $180,000 a year. Y'all are going to make it. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's getting him on board. And that's the part of me that I don't ever want to resent him.

You're really close already. Yeah. And he's the best husband and dad. So are you not telling, well, there's two things or one big thing. Either that statement isn't true. It's something you just keep repeating to yourself because if he makes, if he made 35,000 bucks and he was in grad school and he was driving Uber in the morning and you had to go back to work because y'all have to eat.

Because apartment rent is insane and house rent is insane and buying a house, God help anybody trying to do that, right? Yeah. If that was the case, I would exhale with you and say, y'all are in a rough season and I hate it for you. And I would say he's an amazing dad and husband trying to grind it out and make it work. He makes $180,000, by the way, in a field where he is hustling and scratching and clawing, right?

Yeah. He's not sitting at a desk just getting a salary. He's busting it out there, which tells me he's a hard worker and he'll go get stuff done when he needs to, right? Yes. Okay. So either he's the best husband and father and you haven't been fully honest with him about how much your job is killing you, or he's not the best husband and father. He's a pretty selfish guy who doesn't care that his wife is withering away in her own home because he wants his new Tahoe and he wants his jet skis. Yeah. One of those two things is true.

I do believe he's an amazing husband and father. I do think he has, and this is something we've always talked about, he has selfish tendencies for sure as far as nice things. And he's in a job where he's the only sales guy at the company. And if he were to lose an account, like his income isn't always, like he can't be promised that this next year he'll make the same amount of money if he were to lose an account. Okay. So...

So basically he's using his wife as his insurance plan or his fallback plan. Kind of what it feels like, yeah. Yeah, that's not a good way to quote unquote use your wife. No. If y'all both agree for a season, my job's pretty precarious. I need you to pick up some work so that we can go back and get a full-time job so we can make sure at least we have health insurance for this little baby. I get that. But is that selfish of me? To want to be a stay-at-home mom? God, no. No. I just feel like anyone I talk to about it,

Especially his family. They just kind of tell me that's not practical and they don't know how we'd make ends meet. You make $180,000. Let's say his salary got cut in half. You'd make $90,000. Yeah. That's not what it was five years ago or 10 years ago, but you're still not starving. You're doing just fine. Yeah. Even working part-time.

Yeah, and I've been trying everything on my end to go to part-time or it's just not really working out. My company isn't allowing that right now. Okay. And so maybe that's not the company for you. And that's okay. That's a conversation for a future thing. But the deeper thing here is I don't think you're struggling with going back to work with a new baby. I think the baby exposed, you're living with a provider but a very selfish man.

And you've probably always known that a little bit, but you could navigate it. And now that you have a kid, you can't navigate it anymore. Yeah. And what in the world? He's allowing his family to speak in on his behalf. They don't get to do that. They don't get a vote. Yeah. I think we both come from a divorced family.

And both my family and his family have said they know that financial struggles can really affect a marriage. And so I think that's the selfish part of me that I know he does. Like to me, $180,000 is a lot of money. I know there's sacrifices we would have to make as far as, you know, maybe we can't go on a trip as often as we'd like. That's not a sacrifice.

Yeah. That's not. A sacrifice is when a dad doesn't eat dinner. A sacrifice is when a mom and dad say, in this season, we have three kids under the age of four. We will never go to a restaurant for a calendar year because we simply cannot afford it. I'm going to take the bus. I'm going to get a ride to work. I'm going to make this full-time sales job. And at night, I'm going to go to night school so that I'm not beholden to if one account goes away, we starve. That's a sacrifice.

Not going on a third vacation is not a sacrifice. Yeah. Not being able to travel to family holidays. That's not a sacrifice. It's just not, not in the grand scheme of all humanity until like 30 years ago. And I'm not mad at you at all. I'm just, this is the cultural air that we're all breathing. Cause the illusion is those things, that stuff, those pictures on Instagram or in our phones are,

are somehow going to give us the peace that here's why fine here's why financial stress destroys marriages number one there is the basics if you're hungry you don't make good choices if you're scared to death at work you don't make good choices if you don't have a car or you're cold because you don't have any heat totally get it abject poverty is very tough right

But the reason financial stress hurts most marriages is because people aren't united in moving forward towards a goal. Right. And so it's the unity is the problem, not the up to a certain point, not the income level. Yeah. Everything above that is about ego and pride and what I want to show the world or what I think I quote unquote deserve. Yeah. The piece you're chasing is found in both people with both feet in the boat.

Are you scared that if you tell him the truth about how you feel, you're going to end up like both of y'all's families? A little bit. Okay. Like, I don't think he'd ever leave me or anything like that. You think he's going to resent you? Yeah. Okay. So you'll have a resentment collision in slow motion happening right in front of me. And it doesn't make you unique. Every marriage I know has multiple seasons of this. But somebody has to stop and put it on the table. Like this. I can't breathe in my own house.

Every morning I hand this kid off to go sit in some dead-eyed office to make money for somebody else. I can't. It's not about being the best mom and wife. I mean, that's a performance thing. This is about I'm starting to hate breathing in my own skin. I don't like the life, the thought of somebody else raising my kid. Yeah, I hate that. And so I want us to put on paper a four-month plan for me to stay home. What must be true? A six-month plan. In six months, I'm out.

So what subscriptions do we have to cut? What cars do we have to sell? What credit cards do we have to pay off? What house do we have to downsize? What vacations are we going to cancel? What must be true? And put on the table, I don't want to resent you. I love you too much. And by saying this stuff out loud, I'm terrified that you're going to resent me and not love me or this kid. Put it on the table. And I've told him I'm scared of resenting him and that's his...

He gets very sad when I say that as well, and he doesn't want that either. Okay. So I just feel like we're in this revolving door of... Yep, somebody's got to break the loop. Yeah. Somebody's got to break the loop. And I get, dude, I don't want to badmouth the guy. It sounds like he's working hard, but it sounds like he's trapped too, and this is what... I didn't have this life growing up. I'm going to make this life, period. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think the challenge is for two people at this point in a marriage, both of you come from broken homes, from divorced homes, right? From a mess. And you're trying to create something new. And you both go in with a picture of what that looks like that's well and good and that helps you survive. Now you have a kid. Now you got to both say, okay, what is our picture going to be? Let's co-create it together. Yeah. How can I approach him differently?

without feeling selfish for leaving work or like when he says life is expensive well there's there's two ways one feel what you're going to feel your body's going to try to protect you you're any way you can and many young girls who come from divorced homes their job was to keep keep the emotional lights on in the house that can't be your job anymore you'll have to both do that

So your job isn't to make sure all the windows are open and the sun's in the house. That's both of y'all's job, which means some days he opens the blinds and some days you open the blinds. So your body's going to feel what it's going to feel. It's going to try to keep you safe the way it's been trying to keep you safe your whole life. You can't make decisions based on that. And then the second part is we have to approach that, those throwaway statements. Well, life is expensive. Cool. Let's map it out. Let's see. Yeah, he did do that. Um, he did sit down and,

go through everything and all said and done with everything. And he included if, you know, we were to pay for insurance and all of that. And it was like, we had about $900 left over. And for a season when you have young kids, that's not enough. I don't know. I'm asking you it's 10,000 extra dollars a year. No, no, it's not. It's more than that. No, it's about 10,000 a year. I think for the season, it would be worth,

Being home with my kids. I 100% agree with you. And I'm just afraid we don't have the same values in our house. Okay. That's where you have to go. Because couples can be all over the place when it comes to beliefs. They can be all over the place when it comes to desires. You got to be unified on those central values. And central values are things like, I want peace in this house. Or central values are...

If one of you hates your job and needs to get out of it for whatever reason, we're going to both work together to see if that's a reality. It might be a two-year reality. It might be a five-year reality because we borrowed so much money we can't do it. We literally can't do it right now. It might be a six-month reality. $900, quote-unquote, extra dollars if you're smart – or not smart. I didn't say that right. If you are savvy can become $1,200.

And that's assuming you're assuming he might lose an account, but he might gain an account. And if he's a great scrappy, go get him salesman. He needs to find another job. It's not so precarious that one account, the whole world goes away. He can go use those talents. Everybody, the world spins around salesman. He can go find other sales jobs that will pay him a considerable amount of money. Everybody's looking for good salesman, everybody. And so I think it's about saying, okay, six months, what must be true?

And by the way, I don't want him to do that. I want y'all to do that. Y'all to do it. Kelly, what's that insurance company that Rachel...

Christian Healthcare Ministries. Yeah, check out Christian Healthcare Ministries. I don't know if they don't have a faith requirement, I don't think, but that's the name of the company. Go check them out. That might be a great alternative also. A friend of mine endorses them and I've heard great things about their product. I just don't want you to Google one thing and be like, all right, that's it, and then move on.

And I also know there's sales jobs because I work at a place where there are salesmen who get benefits. And so it might be, okay, I'm going to look around and I'm going to go get a job doing sales where I make 150. But I'm also going to get health insurance and benefits so we can all exhale a little bit. What I'm saying is there's a path. There's a path. There's a path. You're not crazy. I shout from the rooftops and salute anybody who wants to be a stay-at-home mom. Love it. Love it. Love it. And...

you're headed towards a slow moving resentment rack. It's a, yeah, I think it's saying I tried it for two months. I tried it for four months. However long you've tried it, I'm going to have to make a change. Feel how, feel like, oh my gosh, I feel this. I feel that. I feel guilty. I feel whatever. Exhale and then go do the next right thing for your family together. It was a tough one, Elizabeth. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

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All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? Yes, this is from a woman in Kentucky who asked to remain anonymous, but she writes, Tonight on Instagram, John posted about grabbing your husband's face and telling him that you're proud of him. Grabbing his what? Face. Face. Face. Okay. I thought that I say it enough, but tonight as I leaned down to kiss him, I grabbed his face and I said it. I felt a little silly.

But my husband actually teared up and told me how much it meant to him that I said that. It goes to show that it never hurts to tell him more and more how proud I am of him and how much we appreciate him. So thank you for the idea. I'm telling you right now. Here's the honest truth. Some husbands don't act in a way that is worthy of their wife grabbing their face and saying, hey, stop, stop, stop. I am proud of you. I'm glad I picked you to do life with. I only got one shot at this. I'm glad I chose you.

Some guys aren't there. But for those that are, nobody's perfect. But for those that are, I'm telling you right now, if you're listening to this show, make it a point tonight to take a quick stolen moment, grab your husband by the face, just look him in the eyes and say, I need you to hear me say this. I'm so proud of you. So glad I chose you. I'm grateful every day at how you're trying to hold this whole thing together in a crazy world. Dude, that's like a drink of water in a desert for an exhausted husband. Thank you guys so much. Love y'all. Bye.