133: #133 Insects
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Hello, folks. And hey, bear. Marty's smiling too much. Yeah, Brian Bates, Aaron Weber, and Dusty Slay. Hey. All right. Need new glasses or want a fresh new style? Warby Parker has you covered. Glasses start at just $95, including anti-reflective, scratch-resistant prescription lenses that block 100% of UV rays.

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The state of America. It's wild out there. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah. You think anybody noticed it? I'm not Nate. Yeah. Surprise. The middle brother. All right. That's Derek. Well, we'll miss you. We'll miss you, Derek. Miss you guys. Yeah. Thanks for having me. You brought some good energy onto here for the three minutes. Yeah. And I appreciate that. Appreciate you guys.

Thanks for letting me come. See you, man. Have a good one. All right. That was Derek. I think we all see why he's the middle brother.

I probably sound, I mean, it's sounding a little different, but I think people when they first wouldn't notice when they see him. Visually, I was just looking up in my peripheral vision. I'm like, God, he looks like Nate. Yeah, yeah. He goes, when he walks around, like when he's at a show, if he goes out and walks around, like, I mean, you see everybody kind of looks at him and they're like, you know, they think it's me walking around. Yeah. If it's not Nate, it's somebody.

It's a Bargetzi. Yeah. It's a Bargetzi, dead gum Bargetzi, if I've ever seen one. Welcome, hay bear. All right. That was it. That was fun. That was fun. That was very exciting. Added a little something to it. Just trying to make this podcast listenable. With a visual gag. Yeah.

If you're listening at home, yeah. Yeah. Maybe they thought it sounded like T. I wonder if they thought something like, God, Nate's on the road, man. He's just struggling. I believe this will be the last episode before your special comes out. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Yes, it will be. I think I would have done the Tonight Show. How'd it go? In Good Morning America. Went good. Went to the playoffs. All right. Yeah.

There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Special comes out. I will be – because I'll be gone, so it's like – yeah, yeah, because it'll be – special will be out. And then what else is – oh, I'll be doing the Pebble Beach Pro-Am. So make sure you – if you want to watch that, see how good it goes. Is this the one that we read last year on the show? No, no, that's Lake Tahoe. Okay. That's in July. Okay.

But this is the Bill Murray. One Bill Murray is always out. This one's on TV? Yeah. Do you know what network it's on? It's on the main ABC, NBC or something, or Golf Channel, then one of those. 4.3. Yeah. Circle TV. Circle Network. Yeah, it's on the main. It's what Bill Murray does every year. They do a Pebble Beach, and they have the celebrities play with –

You play with pros. And so if you're pro, I do not know who my pro is as speaking right now. And I won't know until I don't think that week. But Derek is going to be my caddy.

And, uh, it's, uh, I, if you, if the guy gets in, like, cause it's a real, like the Tahoe one is awesome too, but it's just all celebrities. And then the, uh, that might be on NBC, but, uh, in the Pebble Beach Pro-Am, uh, it may be on CBS, I don't know, but they're, uh, just keep going up the dial. Keep going. I think it's Fox. Maybe YouTube. Uh, but if you're on it, uh,

Ooh, Jason Baker. Oh, this is fun. The lineup on here is crazy, dude. Oh yeah. Darius Rutgers, Steve Young, Eric Church, Larry Fitzgerald. Yeah. Scott Eastwood, the bad Captain America. You remember that? Carlton, Fresh Prince, Alfonso Riviera. Yeah. He plays in all of them. Uh,

Yeah, it's Macklemore, Jason Bateman. You can do a practice round, so you can sign up so you play a practice round. I signed up with Will and Arnett and Jason Bateman. We're playing the first group out on a practice round, and I put my name in there with them. I don't know them.

See what happens. I'm going to get there and they're going to just be in a different group. They're like, yeah, yeah, we're just trying to play alone. Have you seen Arrested Development? Yeah. I mean, it's one of the best shows ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it'll be... Don't agree? No, it's good. I don't know best ever. It's good, though. All right. You think one of the best ever? I think it's just so funny. I mean, the last couple of seasons...

Not as much, but the first three. I have a hard time with a show where a guy's always trying to lift the family and the whole family is just tearing it apart every time. Too close to home? Yeah. I mean... I would like to know the other shows that you watch that are like that. Well...

I don't know right off, but sometimes I can see them and I go, oh man, just one guy trying to pull it together. Yeah. Everybody else. One guy trying to build a career in comedy and the rest of the family. I mean, I feel like that's every sitcom in the way. Living in a dead gum trailer. You're going to test me. Yeah. I don't think you like Jason Bateman.

I do like him. I like him in that, and I like him in Horrible Boss as the first one, but I can't think of anything else. Ozark. I've never watched Ozark. It's great. Teen Wolf 2. Ozark, Pray By Your Life. Yeah. Yeah, Ozark. Ozark is, yeah, and that's where he moved to your life. Yes. Yeah. I did not watch, I watched the first season of Ozark, and I was kind of done. It's my...

It was kind of my Michael Jordan Kobe thing where it was like Breaking Bad, then they went to Ozark, and I was like, I can't do this again. It was like too much. There's no comparison between the two in my mind, but... Yeah, well, I mean, they moved to town to start selling drugs. A guy that doesn't sell drugs or launders money then moves to a place to launder money. I mean in the quality of the show. Quality of the show. I get the idea, but it's the same. Breaking Bad worked, and so they go...

We're going to make this other one that's kind of like a laundering. They just laundered money, right? Yeah. For the car show. Yes. What's the better quality show to you? Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad to me is like top five show all time. Yeah, it's my favorite. Really great. And it went out on top five seasons. It was great. It hit its stride.

Ozark was three seasons, I think. Three or four, I can't remember. Breaking Bad was only five? Yeah. Oh, wow. The last season was split into two. Okay. It's something to be said for not milking it to death. Right, right. You go out on top. Yeah. This will be Nate's last special coming up. Yep. Retiring. Yeah. I hope I have new stuff here and this. Just up there rambling.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, yeah, people love Ozark, though. I need to get into a mood to watch, and I just haven't been. I think it got better as it went. I mean, it was pretty good out of the gate, but I think it got better. No, I thought it was great. If I would have watched it first, I would have probably been like, oh, I think it jumped the shark. Okay. All right. Different opinions. Yeah, I think it's like Breaking Bad. It was like that idea was so crazy.

And then Ozark is, you know, you're like, all right, I mean, you...

Do you come up with that idea if Breaking Bad doesn't exist? You're like, I don't know. And then, so you just end up going kind of like, but it's like one of those, like, I wish I would have watched Kobe. I mean, I watched Kobe, but I wish I would have enjoyed watching him more. But it was like, you just got done watching that. Yeah. And then you're kind of like, okay, well, and then, and that's with that one, you're so like, well, they're trying to say he's better than my guy, Michael Jordan. And then you're, you know, so. Yeah, there's room for both.

No, yeah, there is. But it just hits the different ages. Yeah. You know, Larry Bird guy. Probably exactly right. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, saw him play in college. I think Larry Bird's the best. Just graduated college and you went back, watched him. They go, here we got a freshman over at Indiana State. He's doing pretty good. I was right on the edge of remembering that. I do remember Magic's rookie year in the NBA because they won the championship. Yeah. Yeah.

And Kareem got hurt and Magic played center. Really? Yeah. How crazy is that? That's crazy. Yeah. Different time. Would you listen to it on the radio? What games would you listen to? Baseball?

I've listened to some baseball. Baseball is tough on the radio. See, I think it's not bad. I think it's like people like it because it's kind of calm. It's very just laid back. They just hear. You hear. A lot of people believe radio is actually the best medium for baseball. They actually prefer it to watching it on TV. Yeah, Dusty's very wrong. See, yeah, I can't see how that, I mean, you know, I don't know. Baseball is pretty boring to me, even watching it on TV. I like it at a game.

I can get into it here and there, but on the radio, it's tough to me. People like the rocking and rocking chair. That's what you're thinking. It's like just the game's on. It's a few hours. It's not a lot of excitement. It's not about constant entertainment. It's about you have it on. You have a conversation. They would take a pencil and they would hit the desk to make the sound of the bat hitting the ball. Are you serious? Yeah.

Oh. Was that your first job in the media? That's where Bates got... Finally made it up to Channel 5. Yeah. You sit in your rocking chair, get an old knife out, do some whittling. Just waits for it. Yeah, and he just goes... He does it wrong. Outside! Ball outside. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

angle I was at I thought he got it I thought he got a piece I would listen to the reason I know how to say Nate's last name is because I listen to Vanderbilt basketball and it was Charlie Alexander and Ron Bargatze

And I would listen to the games on the radio and I would keep my own little scorebook of all the players and how many points they scored. Are you related to this guy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm related to every Bargetti. I would guess so. There's not, it doesn't seem like a ton of. No. If you meet a Bargetti, they're in. All right. Yeah, I mean, I think that's first question I asked you, probably first question a lot of people ask you. Yeah, oh yeah, my whole life in Nashville. You Ronnie's boy? Still, I mean, it's still very much, it's funny because you would just try to be, that's all you were asked at the beginning.

And I still get asked that now. Anybody's older, they all go, you Ronnie's boy? They wouldn't know him now. They kind of know me or they know my dad's a magician. There's other Bargetzis, too.

But it was, I mean, it was all Ronnie. Ronnie knows everybody. Nate Bargetti at Bridgestone? Who's that? Is that Ronnie's boy? Is that Ronnie's boy? Wow, we buy tickets to go see Ronnie's boy. Are you related? I mean, I know you're related, but how are you related? Is he your uncle? He's a second cousin. Okay. Yeah, but he's who my dad moved down here with. My dad's story, which he's got a great story of him upbringing. My dad got, when he got saved and he moved from, his dad called Ronnie and

And my dad was always kind of in trouble a little bit. And then, uh,

My dad moved down to Nashville and lived with Ronnie and his wife at the time. And then they, Melinda, they lived together. My dad lived there, and Ronnie was like, look, you're going to, you know, made him kind of act straight and took him to church. He got saved, and, you know, and here we are. Wow. And so Ronnie's a big, Ronnie's the best man at my dad's wedding. Ronnie's, so he's my second cousin, but it's,

It's a lot more. Yeah, yeah. He's like family. Yeah, he's like family. But it would be like it'd be an Uncle Orson. He's the one that told me about Two Thumbs Borghese.

Ronnie's the one that knows a lot about Bargetzi. He's the one when I said 23. Dusty doesn't know about two guys. When I did 23 and Me, and it said we were 0.0 Italian, I told Ronnie Bargetzi that, and he goes, that's not true. I was like, maybe it's not. And maybe it's not. I don't know. It is kind of weird because we are families from...

Like, Italian Switzerland, like, there's, like, up there, kind of towards the top of Italy. What's he saying is not true, that you're not Italian at all? He was saying I had no Italian in me. Oh. But it's like, we do. Yeah. Our family, you know, so it's... I think 23andMe, yeah, they're just... Is 23andMe, you know, who knows how accurate. It's like, yeah, I don't know. They go, whose spit was this? I don't know. Just mail it out, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, this is an interesting question. Who do you trust more? The geneticist or your second cousin? I trust Ron. I trust Ronnie. Well, you go look at ancestry, we're over in Italy. Yeah. So something went wrong at the DNA company? Well, I mean, there's a chance. I mean, it's a...

They're just sending, you're spitting in a tube. I totally believe that. That's what you're guessing happened? Yeah. I mean, I think, I don't know, maybe it didn't swab it all right. I mean, we have to. I don't know. We have, you know, the way we look is definitely more Italian look. I get very, like in the summer, I get very dark. I get very, you know, some hair on my back. Orange hands? I have orange hands. It's Italian. Yeah.

You know, I don't like tomatoes and onions. That's the American part of me. I don't care for the vegetables. I was born here.

Kevin Nealon said- What are you, from Lebanon? Your family started in Lebanon? 100% Lebanon. I did it. They just said, yeah, you've always been here. Yeah, there you go. You go before Columbus, way before Columbus. And you were specifically even at Lebanon. It was not Lebanon, but your family started here at Lebanon. Yeah, when they made it to Lebanon, your family was already there. I had one- Hey, hello, folks.

Come on in. Brian Bate. Kevin Nealon has a joke that someone spit on his car and he was so furious about it. So he went and bought one of those 23andMe kits to send it off to find out who did it. And it turns out it was a bird. Bird poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. I hope to meet Ron Bargetzi someday. That's my dream. Oh, yeah. We need to meet Ron. Yeah, he would love to talk to you. You go and throw out some names in his heyday. Oh, I would. Yeah. Yeah.

So here we go. Can I ask this, though? When you met Nate for the first time, were you like, are you Ron's boy? Yeah. I think I asked. He said it. I don't know if he worded it like that. He's the age group that would have. I mean, I felt it coming before it even got over to me. You're Ron's kid? Yeah. He just, he made, you know.

We were both in the same open mic. Bates bought a ticket to it, still went up. You Ron is boy? Meal kit. Meal. I don't know if I say that right. Like mill. Mill. Meal kit. They're making the kits at the mill. Yeah, meal. That's a kit to make a meal. At the meal mill. At the meal. What are y'all making that meal? Meals? Other meals to make meals? Yeah, making meals meals.

And they have to, you would think to make a meal, you would need a place that does make meals. Yeah. A meal. Right. A meal meal. A meal meal. I don't know. They've been trying to shut that meal meal down forever. Why? Well, people don't like meals. And then, so we go, we can't shut all these meals down. So I go, what about the place that makes the meals? That's a pretty good idea. The meal meal. Uh,

This week. Y'all don't have to, you know, we pre-recorded this. Y'all ain't been doing nothing. Comments. Paul Bickle. Recently, I played a board game with family and friends called Confident. My wife became less and less amused when I would have correct answers and continually cite my source, Nateland.

The categories included the Olympics, physics, the universe, decades, eras of history, and even how many Oscar nominations Meryl Streep had. Even after the game was over, my wife asked me if I had heard of the new movie Cocaine Bear, and again, you received the credit. Look at that. That's what we're here for. That's why we're labeled an educational podcast. You will pick up stuff. I mean, it is educational. That guy learned something. He remembers more than I did.

Yeah, I mean, Paul Bickle's testimony is, that's what we need. That's what we need. And when trash goes out of space, Paul will have known about it first. Yes. He'll know about it first. He goes, yeah, I know where I heard that idea. Yeah, and he will know that it's cheaper to shoot it towards Jupiter than it is towards the sun. Yeah, yeah. Go to the Jupiter side. Yeah. It's all the planets, they're just in a straight line.

No, they're all in their own orbit. They're all over the place. I would guess at some point they could be all lined up, though. Some of them are. That's when you have eclipses and stuff, right? You know, the entire history of the United States has happened. There hasn't even been a full Pluto orbit since America was founded. It takes hundreds of years to get all the way around.

We're almost back to a full revolution for Pluto. Wow. Which would be one year for them. This would be their one year, yeah. For all those people on Pluto. What if that's the ages, like, you know, in the Bible? What if it was age like that? It'd have to be the opposite way, though, because people were living much older lives. They'd have to be, yeah, closer to the sun, faster. But they were like 900 years old. Yeah, on Pluto, you'd be one year old coming up.

Yeah, but what if it was you spinning? Now we're talking. Yeah. There you go. They spun and the Earth was, and that's how they counted it. You know, there's a picture of the planet Pluto or whatever they call it, and it looks like the cartoon dog Pluto is on the side of it. Oh, they might've put that. Yeah. Someone else might've put that. Because I mean, Pluto went away.

They got it, though. Yeah. Yeah. So this is the real picture. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it looks like the dog. Would you have seen that if somebody didn't put the picture of Pluto next to it? We would want, yeah. I don't know. I'll be honest with you. So if you're listening, there's some discoloration on the planet Pluto. Oh, there you go. Vaguely the shape of Pluto. Looks a lot like Pluto. Yeah, that helps our listeners. It looks more like Mickey Mouse.

But look at the ear. It looks like Pluto. Yeah, I mean, I'd say it looks like Pluto, and I think... You could talk me into Goofy. I think it's all a game. They're playing a game on us. Now, this is the picture that first popped up when I Googled it. I was like, Dusty, that might be a Photoshop. When did they... It's official NASA photos here. Yeah, when did they... Because Pluto went away, and they said it's not a planet. And then now it's a planet. We have a picture of it now? What never went away? Okay.

Yeah. It was always there. They just said it's not a planet. They just said it's no longer classified as a planet. Because it's a dwarf planet. That's right. Yeah. It didn't meet the criteria. And I just know this because I had a joke about it. But...

That was from 2022. That was from last year. Playing jokes on us out here. Noyel Jones. Noyel, right? Yeah. I like that name, Noyel. What's your name, Noyel? Is that what you're saying? You're definitely going to go, what are you trying to say? Yeah, yeah. Noyel. Noyel? Noyel?

Noyle Jones. I thought you would have said Noly. Noly. I bet it is Noly. I don't know, but. Noly Jones. Noyle. I like Noyle. Yeah, Noyle. I hope it's Noyle. Noyle. Noyle. Noyle. You'd be just trying to. Maybe Noel. Yeah, they got to call him something else. Noel. Noel. Could be Noel. Noel. Yeah. Noel Jones. N-O-Y-L-E. Noyle. Noyle Jones.

In Nate's defense, thanks, Noyel, Texas is bigger than any individual country in Europe, which I believe is probably the fact he had likely heard previously and slightly misremembered. Noyel, I'll tell you what. Someone gets it, Immaterial gets it, Noyel. Well, that's what I said that day. That was nice, Noyel. Texas is probably bigger than England. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Here's a picture of Texas compared to some of the larger countries in Europe. Yeah, I mean, we're half of them in there. Yeah, we're... You're halfway right. Well, some space left over, honestly. Yeah, you filled it in. Plenty of room. I like how Hungary is there at the bottom, almost like it's got like a pot belly coming out of Texas, and the country's hungry. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. That's what you bring to the show. Yeah. Yeah.

Ben Rosser, the news of Nate meeting Tiger is unreal. Add Michael Jordan, that is my dream foursome golf group to play with. Curious. Curious. Curious as to what Nate's dream foursome would be. Probably those two, Tiger and Jordan. You got one more. Tiger, Jordan. Bring baits. I would say this foursome right here. Yeah, this would be a dream foursome. I mean, just...

I could get my own cart. Us three have to ride together? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd want everybody to have their own cart just to get through it. I'd just come along. You guys would need another golfer, but I would come along. Yeah. Someone said you could do the pesticide for the green. Yeah. I think Ben said that. Yeah, you've got to work. Yeah. Yeah, I would say Tiger, Jordan. I'm trying to think.

Who else would be? Those are golfers. I'd want to be a golfer. I mean, you could. Tom Brady?

I feel like he's like the same age as you. Yeah. That lady who held up the sign about America's team? Yeah, yeah. Trying to think like football or like another. OJ? Yeah. He plays golf. He didn't know it was interesting. That would be like a crazy one. Henry Cho told a story on stage this weekend about playing and a guy in his group hit into OJ. Oh. OJ comes down. Do you know this story? Yeah. Yeah.

And very angry. And Henry said he didn't really hit into him. It just kind of rolled up kind of close. OJ came down very angry and laid into him. And as he walked away, got to his cart, his buddy said, oh, yeah, you didn't kill anybody. It's a very funny story. That's what I always think. When people lose their mind like that.

And you're famous. Yeah. Like it would be enough. Like that's enough to go like, I just wouldn't yell. Cause you just don't, they're going to be like, was that? And then you're the guy who people think killed someone. Yeah. Now I think this is the fresh off of, this is in the mid to late nineties. Yeah. Just happened. So this was literally all anybody in the world was talking about. Imagine just seeing OJ. He just out of court. Yeah. Imagine seeing him on the green while you're waiting to tee off. Yeah. Oh gosh.

Trying to think, if you had Tiger and Jordan as your foursome. You need another greatest of all time. You need another. But then you don't have to be an athlete, though. Yeah, I almost think I would throw it, like, not throw an athlete in there. You could bring your dad or somebody. Well, I mean, yeah. Who's trying to suck the fun out of this? Bring Laura. Yeah, Derek was just here. I mean, Derek golfs. He's going to be the caddy. I think he'd probably enjoy it. He'd go, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it's Laura, Harper, and my dad, and me, and Holly, our dog. I was thinking about an interviewer, someone that's a good talker and can get stuff out of them. I guess I would try to be that interviewer.

But it's, you know, I'd have to be the one trying to get out of it. Is this living? Living or dead? Or is this just living? I'm saying living. Yeah, I'm saying living. You know, like a Bob Costas there or somebody? Just to facilitate? Yeah, someone that's like, just keep it moving. Like, let's keep it, you know. All right, you know, Tom Cruise could be fun.

Yeah. Or the complete opposite. Well, I think Tom Cruise could pull it all out. I think we'd all be believing a few things afterwards. And then we'd all be very close. You'd be on a spaceship. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I would though in Tom Cruise, you know, but Tiger and Jordan are going to at least, they're like, if you're talking about playing golf where you're going to like, all right, we're going to get through this. Yeah. Uh,

You're worried about the quality of the game? You almost need a balance though. Cruz has slowed us down. Tiger and Jordan are such great athletes that they're going to be bonding over being great athletes. You need someone else to mend. That's why you need me to come. You know you're not getting in the cart with them. They're in their own cart. They're in their own cart.

I would be leaning on the carpet like, Tom is killing me. He goes, I wish I had rode with one of y'all if y'all want to switch. Y'all want to talk to him? Y'all want to talk to him a little bit? No. They're like, no, no, we're not doing that. Yeah, I would be like, do they have to talk to me? Uh...

Michael Jordan would be good. I bet Michael Jordan would be tough, though, to like – meeting Tiger was like – I think you could get a lot of – it seemed like he was awesome when I met him. So Tiger would be fun to deal now. I think Jordan would be –

I think it'd be a lot. Jordan would be a lot. You'd have to bet like a hundred grand a hole. Yeah, it would be, Jordan would be a lot, I think, to play with. Like you'd be like, it's exhausting. And you'd want to talk to Tiger. If you had them two, they might be pulling each other away. So then you want to, you're like, all right, well, who do I want to? So I'd probably choose Tiger. And then I don't know if I bring in Jordan because if I'm trying to get the most out of it, maybe I do Tiger and Tom Cruise. And then I'm a comedian. Okay.

I'm me. You've got an actor, an athlete, a comedian. I'll be the talker. And then you need a musician. But you don't care about musicians in that way. That doesn't mean anything. Mick Jagger. He goes, what? I'm like, I don't know, dude. I didn't listen to the Beatles. All right. Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep. That's a fun question, Ben. You can get a Tom Hanks in there.

Yeah, Tom would be nice. Tom would sit in it. Tom Hanks would be someone that's like, I'll sit wherever you guys want me to sit. Yeah. You go, yeah, you go sit in another movie, Tom. I go, right, Tiger? And he goes, what? I go, let me ride with Tiger for a little bit. I was just telling my whole Tom Hanks thing. I go, this dude is everything. Tiger's the only reason he might watch this guy. He's the only existence of God. I go, right, dude? Don't you think he's too much everywhere?

yeah Tiger's to Jordan's like that's the hello world guy I don't don't let me write yeah I named my special after you Ty I'm in the car behind him every he just he's like I don't even remember saying that he goes I don't even he goes I think I met a he goes who names a comedy special after a golfer

That doesn't even... It makes no sense. That doesn't make sense. Hi, you guys having fun out there? Talker. MJ. Sarah Sweeney. Just to clarify, do you prefer the hey bear, let's go folks, and yee yees in the beginning, or can they be thrown out in the middle of a set if it applies? No middle. I like a yee yee about mid set. Yeah.

I mean, you're asking for it. I'm starting to drag a little bit. Yee-yee. At 47 minutes? Yeah. When you're trying to get to an hour? Yeah, when I'm about halfway through. Yeah. I like it when you walk out and then after that, let's just do the show. Did anybody yell that when you were at the Titans game? Hey, Bear? I think so. Yeah. People said they yelled it. They didn't know if you heard it.

Yeah, I think I heard a couple. Yeah, yeah. Nice. We were playing the Bears, so I don't know. A lot of let's go Bears. Let's go Bears. Just waving. You're like, oh, they combined. I go, my goodness, look at this. Look at this. Waving, just going. Entire Chicago Bears football team is behind me trying to get out of the tunnel. Yeah.

I never imagined it'd be like this. MJ! Jesus. Remy Veristrati. Veruchstri. Veruchstri. Veristrati. I was impressed with the first one. Then you went a totally different route. Remy. Remy. They go, ugh. That name, Remy. Yeah. Remy Veristrati. They go, Remy. They go, Remy? They go, all right. I got it. Oh, that's tough. All right. Give me your last name.

Varox-tasty state. Vrox state. E's there at the end. E-T-E. It feels like I want too many E's in there. I mean, there's 40 other letters before that. Yeah.

But the E's seem jumbled up there. Spread those things out. Yeah. Sprogg straight. Sprogg straight. I recently watched a few Seinfeld interviews where he talks about the importance of a daily writing habit. And he shows some of his early jokes handwritten on a yellow legal pad. Do you write out your jokes? Do you write every day or just jot down ideas when they come to you? Interested to get a little behind-the-scenes insight into how the magic happens.

I write it just as they come. I'm kind of all day just mining for stuff. And so you kind of just put it in your phone and I'll think about it. I think I need to start a writing habit now. I don't ever do it. But you just got to look up like joke, you know, just stuff that ideas. I don't know if I don't have a system. I wish I had a system.

I write mine down. What do you write every day? I try to. What do you do? You just sit with the paper or computer? No, type it out. I find, though, the drawback is, that's just what works best for me. It's harder to get your career going somewhere? The drawback is you're not going to go anywhere.

You're so conversational, and it sounds like you're hearing it for the first time, where when you write stuff out, if you're not careful, you're memorizing it, and then it becomes like a play. You're reciting lines from a play. You don't feel like you're in the moment. That's what I find that I got to be careful about. Yeah. I was never a big write-it-out-word-for-word person.

I find that if you write it out and then it doesn't work the way you want it to work on stage, that it's hard for me to change the way it's worded because I wrote it down and it's like it cemented itself in my brain. I like to just go up and just roll. Because at this point, I got enough jokes to where I can do some jokes and

Throw a new one in. If it doesn't work, say we're having a good time, move on and go into some jokes that do work. Yeah. Yeah. That's when you want the, yes, exactly. And then, uh, you know, just keep working on it on stage until it works. Yeah.

Or doesn't. And then I record it and put it on TikTok. Do you sit, and when you go write and try to come up with ideas, do y'all just do the free writing or do you do the, did you ever do that? Does anybody know? Free writing is you just supposedly just start typing your thoughts. So the idea, I don't know if people know this, but it's like you would be like, I'm sitting at this table talking about writing. I can't think of anything. I don't know what to, and you just keep doing that until you...

Do you remember the scene in The Sixth Sense where they make the kid do free writing? And it's just horrible, crazy stuff written all over it. That always scared me from doing that. I don't know what's going to come out. Yeah. I don't know what's going on in my head. Yeah, enough. I used to write out stuff word for word like a speech. And let me tell you, you could tell when I was up there. Yeah. I was just reading it from my head. Hello, everybody. And they go, what's up, Aaron? You go, oh, yeah. You go, I don't.

I went to the store today. Yeah. You got to. Hello. You can find out. I use the same notes app. I've been using it for seven years and you can actually scroll. If I scroll all the way down here, just look at like how I was writing stuff. Yeah. I mean, word for word. Yeah.

This was a little alarming. I had a heart attack scare recently. Had to rush to the ER, hooked up to the EKG. Listen to this. Is this true? Effective advertisements. I watch a lot of TV commercials. A lot of them I don't think work on me. Home Depot, look, you're not going to get me excited to do yard work, okay? That's how I'm writing it. It's a good joke. Dennis Miller in there. It's a good joke. Yeah, that's the hard part with writing out word for word.

Anytime I would do it, I have a hard time remembering it if I do that. And you're actually going to punch it up more than you if you do it the other way. And so it works in like monologue style or like that kind of stuff where it just can become too punchy because you're writing it out so you have time to punch it up. And when you do that, you're like, well, now you're kind of not talking like how people talk. Yeah. And so...

Even if you write yours out, there's got to be some, you got some leeway. But I mean, I noticed when I would do it, it was like, well, I don't even talk like this. Yeah. And then you're also just throwing in so many jokes. It's the, yeah. Right now I have trouble with like, it's like just ideas. I think I have trouble with right now's ideas just because it's like, I've been so busy and it's like, I'm not going to get to really do anything. That's been my problem.

Yeah, you got to live life to be able to talk about this. You got to live life. Could you ride by your butler or your driver? Yeah. A lot of comics are doing that kind of stuff. Yeah, they are. And you don't want to do that. I don't have a butler or a driver. But I have a wife, and that's why you get married. That is right. And she's the driver. That is right. My wife's coming to pick me up later. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How'd you get here? Aaron. But you don't want him to take you out? No, we're leaving. We're getting out of here. Okay. Oh, where are you going? I'm going to Alabama. Just to hang out, you know? Yeah. Visit the family. I'm going to try to cram in some family. I got one day. Yeah. So I'm going to try to get my mom and my dad and my sister all together. And my parents aren't married, but they've been divorced for like 37 years. Yeah. So I think they'll be all right. Yeah. Yeah. Have they been together before? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to try to get a little hang in with the granddaughter, you know. Yeah. You know, really put her in there, see which one she likes the best. Yeah. That kind of thing. Put her between the two. Yeah. Like the way they do the dog on who's going to win a game. Yeah. Yes. The end of Air Bud. That's what they did too. Has your parents met the granddaughter yet? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And my, you know, my, you know, I travel a lot. So my wife, you know, will have her friends over and it'll be a bunch of girls. And so my daughter doesn't really like a lot of men. Right. She likes me. But if my dad comes around, she don't, she won't like, like to be around my dad. Yeah. My, my daughter. So I told my dad, I said, well, she's not around a lot of men. You know, my dad always wants to make jokes. I'm like, she's not around a lot of men. He goes, well, you don't know that. You don't know what's going on here when you're not around. And so, so.

So then I'm like, ha, ha, ha. And then a little while later, you know, she like, he tries to hold her. She's crying. I go, I'm telling you, she just doesn't see a lot of men. She's not used to seeing men. I'm trying to help him. And he goes, well, you don't know what she sees when you're not around. I go, okay, well, she just doesn't like you then. I don't know what to tell you. I'm trying to help your feelings. Yeah. You're like, your wife's a hoe. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeez, man. Take it easy. Dad. Yeah. Yeah.

Trying to help you here. Glad you got it out here before you got down to them. Yeah. I need a little outlet. Got one to read? Oh, yeah. I'm on the downside. 80% at gas stations. I did the math one time.

Between gas, and I was buying a lot of my groceries at gas stations. It was a real dark time in my life. Wow. I was spending more at gas stations than rent, like for sure. Good thing you don't live near a Buc-ee's, huh? That'd be a problem. Yeah, that'd be fun.

But Eden at a gas station, it's not bad, though. I enjoy it. You can get okay stuff there. Yeah. Especially if they got the little rack with sandwiches. Yeah, there's no rules when you go in there. You didn't get one with McDonald's or something inside of it? No, it's just like a little family marathon by my old house. I go there every day. Yeah. David Biggs.

We were at Nate's special, and at one point we saw Aaron standing in the row in front of us, in front of his assigned seat, talking to people. When he went back to his seat, instead of walking around, he climbed over the row of seats, seemingly putting his whole weight on a chair. My wife commented that she is happy he's lost enough weight to feel confident in such a maneuver. It appears no chairs were harmed in the taping of Nate's special.

I think we have video of it. No video. Do you remember this? Well, I do that a lot now. It's a confident move. It's fun to do. You don't want to have to go. Cause I, the worst, literally one of the top five things I hate doing the most.

is having to get out of a row somewhere and be like, sorry, guy. And then they have to stand up. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much. So if I can just jump over and there's nobody up there, I'll do that any chance I get. They have chips on the ground and you step on the chips. I can, yeah. I mean, I'll go two rows to go out if it's empty. Right. Yeah. I'll sit there and yeah, I'm with you. Well, you're nimble now.

Yeah, that's a good word. Floating around. William Byrne. I could listen to an entire episode of Aaron just riffing on what kind of person he thinks Dusty is. So far, he has mentioned that Dusty seems like the type of guy who uses the wind to tell direction, wears full pajamas with a sleeping hat, and eats sugar cubes now and then instead of candy. Now and then instead of candy.

I've not even heard these descriptions. Oh, I've said them right to your face. Yeah. I've got a few more if you want to hear it. I've got a few thoughts on who you are. Let's get some other plans. Yeah. I bet you always use a broom instead of a vacuum. I do like a broom. Yeah. I do like a broom. I used to, when I waved tables, we had to sweep the carpets. And I like to sweep carpet. It is fun to sweep carpet. Mm-hmm.

Kind of hard, though, and it kind of bounces up. Well, you know, it's all about the technique. You do have to, you do smaller strokes with the, you know. Yeah, I don't think it's like carpet at your house. It's like that carpet, like, you know, play basketball. It's not like a shag rug. Yeah. Yeah, you don't, yeah. It'd be tough to sweep shag. You said carpet, you play basketball? Parag B. Shaw. My name is pronounced Parag. You nailed it. I said it, Parag. Yeah. Parag.

When you watch other comics, do you translate the joke into something clean? Do you think that it could have been clean and just as funny if it was done like this? And are there times where you would suggest a clean version to a close comedian friend? I realize that your objective is not convert other comics, but I'm interested to see if you have any thoughts about other people's bits.

The only one I would say are not someone specifically, but there's times where you can tell, you're like, well, the joke would be clean if you just didn't curse in it. So you definitely see comics where you're like, I mean, that would be a clean joke and they're just cursing for no reason or for whatever. Maybe that's how they talk. But yeah, you could do that.

I actually was listening to a friend's, he sent me some jokes the other day asking what I thought. And one of them, I was like, well, there's no reason for this to be dirty. Your joke, you just said a bunch of things that made it dirty. And then he had another one where like the punchline was, you know, dirty. And I'm like, well, that's funny. And you can't change that to make it clean. Yeah. I feel like. Mm-hmm.

I guess I'm saying the same thing you're saying. If there's no reason for it to be dirty, don't have that in there. But sometimes dirty is the only way it's funny in a certain joke. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's, yeah, I would, you know, I think there's been times where people were, where it's like, you're, yeah, if you're close enough, some of it, I mean, look, you know, the specials we're going to be putting out next,

which I'm not positive, but they should be, they're coming. I'm hoping to come out something in March, Vecchione's. And I'll give you a big, big letter by no when he's coming. But like Vecchione's was like,

You know, it's like Vick Young was already basically clean. You're like, you could, you know, and when he comes on the road with me, it's like, yeah, you can just be, you know, he was not that dirty, but he's got dirty. He does have dirty stuff, but he was basically clean. And it was like, so he had plenty to be like, yeah, you could do a special. You're not going to lose much. You're not going to, he's not going to lose anything. And then, so it's, there's that aspect to it where you can just go, yeah, that is a need. Yeah.

this or you can you can you know yeah yes but it's there there's times where i've seen jokes where you go like that's basically a clean joke they can make clean and i don't know why they're cursing you know unless it's just the way they talk because some guys just some guys curse you go to new york i mean they just you know not all new yorkers but when i was you know a lot of people in new york i mean they just yeah they curse and they don't even everybody's current they're my parents are cursed they're like

Even if you do, the curse is going to be that much more powerful when you really need to use it. I agree. Yeah. But it's, you know, people are getting so conversational now that it's like they, they use a lot. It's when they,

Use it when they're cursing just to be, you can tell it's like they're trying to think of the next thing. And then you're like, I mean, there's no, you're just using it as saying like. It's like saying, uh, or something. Yeah. Yeah. New York, especially. I mean, like we got a friend, I guess everybody here knows Jordan Jensen and she is very funny. And I, she opened for me one time and it was like,

I told her, I was like, you know, just try to keep it relatively clean. And she cussed so much. But it was like, it really was like, you didn't even really notice it because it just kind of seemed to come so natural to her that it, I don't know, if I were to cuss a bunch on stage, it would be like, whoa, dude, take it easy. But with her, it just kind of flowed out in a way that, I don't know, you don't really notice it. Kyle Boynton. I just want to make sure.

I'm sorry, there's a photo that goes with this. Kyle Boynton. Noyle Boynton. That'd be a fun one. I just wanted to make you aware that I'm an instructor and baseball coach at a college in Indiana, and I placed this question on one of my quizzes for my team sports class. I'm not sure if this is more of a bash on Tom Brady or if this student truly sees the impact that Nate has had on the game of football. Either way, he missed it.

So if you're listening, it says it's a quiz. Which one of these individuals is not a person who has impacted the game of football? The choices are Tom Brady, Jim Brown, Jim Thorpe, or Nate Bargatze. And this student chose Tom Brady. Boom. Wow. Boom. This student gets it. That was loud. MJ. MJ. I'd bring this up golfing with MJ and Tiger Woods. Yeah.

I've impacted the game of football. More than Tom Brady. Absolutely. Tom Brady's too good. There's no impact on it because you can't even catch him. I got to think Kyle Boynton here is maybe not a great teacher. I mean, he's teaching a sports class here, right? I mean, come on. Yeah. Yeah.

I like it. I mean, no offense to your impact on football, but I mean, you know, you would think you would miss the Jim Brown or Jim Thorpe before Tom Brady. Yeah. My guess is that Stu did not read that question close. He did not. I've never heard of Jim Brown. I think they read it. Yeah. He probably read it. Probably dyslexic. Read it backwards is, which in these visuals had the biggest impact on the game of football. They still got it wrong. Yeah.

Heather Waldridge, I feel Dusty's pain in terms of pocket knives being denied. I always have a knife in my purse. While I was in the restroom, there was a lady that had not taken the tag off her dress. It was one of the cotton string tags, so I couldn't just pull it off her. I said, hold on, I have a knife and pulled my crazy knife out of my purse.

Her and her friend's eyes got real big and they looked at me like I was crazy, but I was able to cut the stranger's tag off her dress. Heather Waldridge. All right. My kind of woman here. Yeah. Hold on. I got a knife here.

They just run into you in the bathroom. She's like, oh, I was going to return the dress. And then she walks out to you, standing out there waiting for her. And then they're like, oh, we shouldn't have done that. Yeah. Like, you're almost like, no, that was a nice lady. Then she comes out and you're waiting for her. You go, hi, honey. And you're like, oh, good. You got that knife? That's the family. You got that knife. It was funny. You went to pulled my crazy. You just jumped down a line. Yeah. It's like your brain got to the end of that line. It just...

Yeah, pulled my crazy, but I went back to knife. Like it was almost maybe it's a little bit longer. So I thought. You start on the outsides and work your way in. I like adding it in. It adds an impact to the story. I pulled my crazy knife out of my first. Yeah. You don't read left to right or right to left. You read left and right to center. Yeah. Just kind of yank it. I grab what I can grab. I'm like a planet. That's how planets were made.

Yeah, just pulling stuff down. Just pulling stuff in. Gravitational pulls in the center of the paragraph. Maybe I'm picturing her. And so then I thought, pulled my crazy knife out. Yeah. Prince Starnes. Since Dusty spent the entire Man vs. Bear discussion throwing out random Eddie's. There's a lot of reading today. I can do okay. You've been killing it today, man. Well, you can go, but then it gets, yeah. I start getting tired out. And so, you know.

I'm like an old man that you sit down and go, that's a big day. Yeah. You're like, what did y'all do? You're like, we got the mail. Let's sit down. Let's do a little radio. We walked down to the mill. A little baseball on the radio. Went to the meal mill and head on back. He goes, cut the game on. He goes, it's not even baseball season. Well, just...

Still a little NASCAR on there. It goes, yeah, just me rocking, Bates just sitting there just every now and again hitting the pencil. Is that a thing, NASCAR on the radio? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I've listened to it. It's very boring, too. Yeah. That seems, yeah, that'd be tough. I'd listen to it.

Throwing out random 80s era WWF stars. I'd be interested in knowing who he thinks would be on the Mount Rushmore of WWF. Not WWE. Now WWE. He said now WWE. I mean, wrestling is so popular now that it's even hard to even say. But, I mean, you know, you got Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold. The Rock. The Rock. There's your three. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you probably throw in, I'm not throwing the ultimate warrior, but it's like you probably throw in the giant. Yeah. Yeah. So Jim Ross was on the herd, Colin Coward, and he asked him his Mount Rushmore. And he said, those three, the rock, Stone Cold, Hogan, and Ric Flair. Oh, Ric Flair. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah.

A lot of people like to act like Hogan is, you know, they try to like downplay him now, but he was like mega star. No, he's it. He's the one that made it. He transcended. It became mainstream. Yeah. He could maybe he's impact like Jordan. Yeah. Truth in wrestling. Yeah. You don't think like maybe let's get a kill to do another multiple choice question. Yeah. In what way?

He's as what he did for the sport. Jordan, what Jordan did for Baylor. I thought you mean he impacted Jordan. Like no, no Hulk Hogan. You don't get him. He does get mentioned, but Hulk Hogan is like Jordan tiger. Like if you talk to, if you never think about it, cause you just don't think about wrestling. Yeah. But if you went down and said, all right, what, who are the most famous people or whatever? And it would be, you know, you could be like Babe Ruth, Hulk Hogan, I mean, Babe Ruth, Muhammad Ali, Daryl,

Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan is, I mean, yeah, as big as you get. Yeah. He was in movies. The whole world knows him. It's just a name. It's so much that you know him that I don't even know if people might even think if he's a real thing or not. It's just like a word you know. He even had a reality show for a while. Seemingly ruined his life. It spiraled out. Yeah. But I mean, that's the most famous. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm.

Yeah, it's interesting. You could like, you don't really think about Hulk Hogan, but Hulk Hogan is, he could sit at a table with all of them and be like, y'all don't even, he's Elvis. Yeah. I mean, it's, I mean, you know, probably you compare him to Elvis.

Probably more than the other ones. I had a Hulk Hogan alarm clock when I was a kid. It had a little alarm. I don't think Stone Cold reached Hogan's. Maybe not. Maybe not. You could say The Rock is as famous as him now, but it wasn't because of Rex. Hulk Hogan was the most mainstream. I mean, he was...

It just didn't get bigger than that because every kid, I mean... And the greatest heel turn of all time. Yeah. For Hulk Hogan to go bad, unbelievable. Everybody loved it. Because all the little kids that used to eat vitamins and watch him are now like teenagers and we're like, oh yeah, now he's like bad boy Hogan. Yeah. It was the best. And he came back and then it's like, yeah. Joe Tuonino...

My son and I have an ongoing argument. I think that if ants were as intelligent as humans on average, that the ants would be able to take over humans and kill them all. There are 2.5 million ants per one human, and they are strong. My son disagrees and thinks humans would be able to take them out. What do you think? I think humans still win.

I don't know. If they're as smart as we are. Two and a half million to one? Yeah. Your entire body. I mean, like, that means, let's say it takes, I don't even know if it would take half a million to cover your whole body. How many do you think it would take? Just say if it's 500,000 ants covers your entire body. Like they could crawl on your body. That means it's every human, there's four kind of things that go together.

Well, I guess it depends like where are we starting from? Are the ants where they're at right now and then all of a sudden they get smart? Because we already got chemicals, right? So if the war just began, we could just start killing them. Yeah. Just massive, everybody kill all the ants. Yeah. Well, what does it mean for them to have human-

intelligence can they all of a sudden talk like human beings and communicate with each other i think it's like a father and son having fun and y'all are not and that's a part of it uh but the son disagrees no i think it's big if they had to fight right now i think they're all equal we're equal now they've learned as long as we've learned and tomorrow's the ant versus human war

So we're just talking humans versus humans the size of ants. In a way, but there's 2.5 million to one. To every one of us. To one human. But they're the size of us. No, no, no. They're just them. Yeah, I mean, they're the size of ants. They're just ants. But just like how many ants do you think it takes to cover your entire shoe up? But how many can I? A thousand? Yeah. A thousand ants? So I'm saying like, so 500,000 ants. So if there's one, if there's whatever the math of that is.

So two and a half million ants to one person. Yes. But it only takes 500,000 ants to cover one person. So that means it's like, it's actually- They got five times more. They got five times more. Yeah. So even if two and a half million ants covered you, I mean, I don't know if you could even get them all. But if you ever- It would be out to, it would be two feet thick. Spray gas on the ants? How much gas you're going to have? Then you could start poisoning you. But you would lose a few humans, but-

2.5 million covered Brian and then I doused him with gas and then it killed them all. Then we're down two and a half million. Yeah, but I mean, when they're on top of each other, it's not going to be like it's a single layer. I think it's like a thick layer on top of you. And then they're just – and they get inside of your head. They could sacrifice –

Two million ants they could sacrifice on a person. It doesn't matter to them. Even though they have the intelligence of a human, they don't have the morality of a human. So they'll just go in there and just... They just get inside of your body and what are you going to do? Gash your body? Yeah, so what if we lose 100,000 on each person? You never know where they're at. I mean, you could have 10,000 of them just underneath your bed and you wouldn't know. But could they survive in your body if they went in?

They're going to mess your body up. Their point is they're just trying to end us. But I just think that we would get, you know. They sacrifice for their queen. So if the queen's like, go get this person, then they just die. But I think if we were all out war against the ants, we would get really vigilant with it. And every ant you saw, we would. But even if you go spray a garage, you were in this business, you can't get rid of them. They don't just go, that's it.

They're still, they get everywhere. But we would go, you know, we wouldn't just be spraying the garage. We would go big time war on these ants. Yeah, but they're as smart as us. And some of them are just little small non-biting ants. Yeah, but they're as smart as us. So they're going to know, all right, I know what they're about to go do. And you just can't see them. You just can't see them. I like this conversation. Yeah. That's a photo that was recently taken of an ant up close.

This is an award-winning photograph of an ant's face. And I got to tell you, it looks terrifying. It looks terrifying. Now, just think if that thing had the ability to think like a human being. And they can lift your, I mean. That's the other thing. Yeah, they're exceptionally strong. Yeah.

I just think if we were like, all right, we're at war with the ants. You believe in the human spirit. Yeah, we got to turn it up and we got to go AWOL on these ants. I don't know. Now, the only... Without leave, we have to... We got to go wild on these ants.

I just don't think you would ever know where they're at. I don't think you'd ever know where they're at. Like it'd be hard to, they get underground, they get, they can just hide and then they can be planted. The other thing is too, you could go to the water, you'd go to the ocean, but then if they get on your boat, it's, it's bad news, but you would, you would go to the ocean. I guess you'd have to get out on water. But I think your saving grace of your human being is these ant colonies are not going to be, there's no central organization with the ants.

These colonies are going to be acting independently because they have no way to communicate with each other. So an ant colony in India is not going to communicate with a fire ant colony in Alabama, right? So they're just going to be these sort of independent groups moving around trying to take out humans. We have the power of communication with each other. Yeah. We can coordinate. We can combine our efforts. I like our chances.

I mean, there's just two and a half million to one. I mean, do the math on that. What's how many people are on earth? It's just past eight billion, right? So do eight billion. And then what's times two and a half million? I have it here. It's like 40 quadrillion or something. I mean, where are they dispersed across the globe? But you can pour gas into an anthill and then light it. 20 quadrillion. They're all gone. It's a number that's unimaginable. Yeah. Yeah.

We can relocate to an island. These ants can't swim across water. Eight million people can't go to an island. What about anteaters? We would train anteaters and they would be on our team. There you go. This is like Infinity War and Avengers, but there were so many of those creatures that they overtook us, remember? But anteaters would be...

I think it just never stops. It's just the sheer numbers for you. That seems to be the thing holding you back. Well, 20 quadrillion is not even a number. It's like it's so much that it's not even – and it's just the sheer force. I mean, just think if you had to fight 2.5 million ants. Yeah. Could you beat 2.5 million ants? I could. In a room. With all the resources of the U.S. government? Yeah, I think I could. No, no, no. It's got to be – I'm breaking it down just one-on-one. Okay. Okay.

You in a room with two and a half million ants. How big is the room? It also depends on the type of ants. Airplane hanger, I hope. If it's these little sugar ants, easy. I win. But if it's army ants. Fire ants. The army ants that you see in the jungles in Africa, they will tear you up. Now, those are the ones that are scary. Spectracide would be the front line of defense. Yeah, ants can't hide from spectracide. Do you think you'd get drafted?

Yeah, I think so. I think he'd be a general. You're talking about these kind of ants right here with these pinchers on them? Yeah, I mean, now those... Yeah, these are terrifying. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I've seen them tear apart animals on National Geographic. But just imagine if this thing had hopes and dreams and aspirations and ambition. But I think the ants would, you know, get jealous of each other.

And they would be like, well, the army ants are really taking over. And I don't like that. There's going to be some internal issues with these ants. Yeah. Yeah, but you're acting like we're doing just in general a great job as a country. We're holding this together better than these ants are. We're a mess right now. The ants are loyal. You think ants are sitting around having this discussion right now? I think there's loyalty. I think there's loyalty between ants. I think push comes to shove. There's loyalty among humans too. I have to believe that. Right now we're faced with the ant war. Somebody comes on the news tomorrow and goes, the ants have risen up.

They're smarter than us. We don't care about aliens. There's not 20 quadrillion aliens on Earth. We don't know. There's a lot of big space out there. It's true. And we started throwing trash at them. That's a good point. I think we could take the ants.

Yeah. You think you could beat two and a half million ants? I think so. I say no. Sugar ants? The sheer number would just overdo it. They're as smart. Anything that you can think of, they can think of. So just remember that. I would say give me- So they could figure out talking or they could figure out- I think 25 to 30 smart ants would take me out. 25 to 30? Do I get a weapon? They would take my gun. Yeah.

They would pistol whip me. 25 to 30. Yeah. Ants right now. He's not even talking about this fictional thing. I think you can find 25 to 30 ants that could take you. We can go out right now and try this. What's the biggest ant? There's also these ants called like a cow ant. And they're like a little bit furry. And I think they can sting. They're pretty scary.

Yeah, so there's two and a half. So just think about those. There's more of those because each ant, there's two and a half million ants to a person. So, I mean, there's- They have the giant Amazonian ants. 1.2 to 1.6 inches in total body length. What about the cow ant? Let's look at the cow ant. That thing is terrifying. Yeah. Sounds like a relative. And I'll be honest with you, what if they get the flies involved?

You're in big trouble. That's the other thing. You forget that most of these ants can fly. A lot of ants can fly. Yeah. So that's going to really change stuff. I mean, they- Look at that thing. This is a cow killer ant. Look at that thing. And that's a female velvet cow killer ant. It kills a cow. Is that what it is? It would seem. I don't think so, though. I never heard of that. I never heard of an ant killing a cow. This name is misleading because velvet ants are actually wasps.

These aren't even ants. Wow. But their label was an ant. But they would team up with the ants if the ants were smart. Yeah. Who do you think they're... Yeah, that's what I mean. You got to realize these ants... I mean, two and a half million ants came in this house right now. Yeah. It would be... We'd be done. It'd be a big problem. Yeah. And then you go outside...

And they're just two and a half million ants. And that's their territory. There's nowhere for you to go. Right. You're just always running into two and a half million ants. You have to go in the air. You just go in the air. But it would wipe out – I mean, if this was a movie, the first 30 minutes of the movie is just – it's killing half the population. Right. Just because you don't even know what's happening. So if you're lucky and survive –

It's going to be pretty low. You can go to Antarctica. Yeah. A can of hairspray and a lighter would take out a lot of them. How much? But you're going to have to have, I mean, just unlimited supply of sticky traps. Yeah, sticky traps. I could prepare myself as best I could, but it's going to be tough, man. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to get messed up. You're going to be exhausted. I'm very allergic to fire ants, too. If they get the fire ants involved...

I'm done. Well, what do you think? They're going to sit on the sideline? Well, fire ants aren't here in Tennessee. This is another question about global organization. I'm in Alabama. It's all fire ants down there. I'm getting lit up.

Tennessee, I like my chances a little better. So fire ants, I have a little info here. We're talking about insects today. Oh, wow. That worked out. Fire ants came here on a boat. You lined that last question up right there? I did. I did. That's good. Fire ants came here on a boat from South America, came to Mobile, Alabama. Wow. Got off, came up through Alabama. Are you serious? Yep. And now they're spread out in the Southeast. I think there are some in Tennessee now. That's kind of how we got here. Yeah. Yeah.

It's got to have my family. The Bargett's. Did you bring the fire ants? I might have. I've never seen fire ants up here. I feel like in Alabama, they're a problem. Like you're walking around and there's just. Well, that's the central there. That's where it started. In South Carolina and in Alabama, we sell a ton of fire ant killer. In Tennessee, not as much.

That's true. Who? Spectracite. Oh, okay. We. Yeah, still we. Once a spectracite, always a spectracite. I had dreams the other day that I wasn't hitting all my stores. Still a company man. Yeah. Now, do you guys know the difference between an insect and a spider?

The number of legs is a big... And body segments. You're both correct. Insect and arachnid. Spiders are part of the arachnid. So spiders or arachnids have eight legs. Insects have six. And then insects have three body parts. Spiders just have two. Their head, they don't have a special head. It's just on their body.

Who? Spiders. I'm all about insects. Oh, the head is on their body. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What about like a granddaddy long leg? Like our head is on our body. You're saying they don't have... Their eyes are just a part of their chest. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Like if their eyes were just... If we had eyes just in our chest. Yeah, just right here. Insects have a head, a thorax, and an abdomen. Spiders just have a thorax and an abdomen. Yeah. Yeah.

But then a granddaddy longleg just kind of like a little dot with eight legs. Yeah, they just get. Have y'all ever heard that they're poisonous? They're the most poisonous spider in the world, I think. To eat. Daddy longlegs. That's just a myth. Is it really? Yeah. According to whom? Snopes. No. Science? According to science. But they always said that their mouth wasn't big enough to bite you, but if you ate them, it would kill you.

That's what I heard. Yeah. I don't know about eating though, but I'm talking about if they bit you. Yeah. Or their mouth wasn't big enough to bite you. Yeah. I mean, look, their face looks like...

It's just a big nothing where their face is. It's two little eyes, barely a mouth. Just a granddaddy long legs. I was like, if you even knew if I could get a hold of you, I swear I would tear you up. He goes every day, he goes, you think you walk over me like that? If my mouth, if my dead gum mouth was a little bigger, I'd light your whole family up.

So insects have been used throughout history in wars to win wars. Yeah, but we couldn't take the ants. They're literally using them. We could beat the ants up.

In World War II, Japanese came up with a program where they dropped plague-infested fleas from the air. And they dropped them on some Chinese cities, killed 440,000 people. I mean, right there, dude. That's not... Right there tells you that's your answer. Because they used it in a war. So they would have been... And these are dumb fleas. These are not smart animals or insects. But plague-infested.

Huh? But plague infected. I know, but they're just your dumb run-of-the-mill fleas that don't know anything. And they killed 400,000 people. We're talking about ants that are smart, that are like flying the plane. Their own plane. They probably get their own plane. They're as smart as us. Tiny plane, yeah. And they make a body. And then they all start talking. But...

This has literally happened with dumb insects. But I think it's with humans behind them. So I think if the ants and the humans teamed up, they could take out a lot of humans. Yeah, but you are going to have that because they have the smarts of us. I think ants, if they even tried it being dumb ants, they could do it.

Because it worked with this flea thing. Why do we never hear about that? 440,000 people killed? Because of fleas. Yeah, and they were working on dropping it on Southern California when the war ended. They were going to try that on us, on San Diego. At least it was out there. There we go. Yeah, you just think about trying to get rid of...

You know, getting rid of insects. You just can't. Fleas are particularly hard. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to them a little bit. Yeah. You got to be like, listen. Here's a dollar. Just get out of here. Now, fleas serve a real purpose, right? Isn't there a reason we need them around? I don't know that. Are they decomposers in the way that ants are? I don't know that. Okay. They're good for our ecosystem.

They're good. Okay. What do they do? I don't know, but I hear that about every animal. Yeah. Well, some have no purpose. They're like, they're like your appendix. Like we could just get rid of them, but I know you can't just get rid of all ants. I assume that it would cause problems. Other insects eat them and that keep them going. Anteaters. Yeah. We're keeping ants around just for anteaters, dude. I hope they know how much we're giving up. I bet frogs eat ants and spiders.

Do ants have no purpose? Ants have no purpose. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they're decomposers. They break stuff down. What does that mean? They literally decompose things. Like if an animal dies, they eat it and rip it apart and break it down. So if you killed someone, you could put them in a bunch of ants. Oh, yeah. And it'd be, take a while? Not that long. Not as long as you'd think.

We used to do it. We'd be disappointed if the ants weren't interested in it. Yeah. Come on. You got to put some butter on you. Yeah, just right. I mean, yeah. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I was elementary school recess. We used to have a competition of who could leave their hand in the ant pile the longest. Oh, yeah.

And let me tell you, I won. And I was, like I said, very allergic to them. Wow. And it was a real big problem. I mean, I was swollen up like a balloon. I can tell you what, I would have gasped at an iPhone too if I knew that's what y'all were doing. That story makes so much sense now that I know. Your entertainment was just putting your hand in a pile of ants. Yeah.

Came from humble beginnings. Now look at him. It's about the competition. That's right. It's about you telling me you're going to, I'm going to let some kid beat me. From that to Notre Dame is impressive. That is impressive. Because I've done that a little bit too, but I didn't go to college. Who doesn't think? Dusty P's on them. I wouldn't even probably have paid attention to what Dusty said. I would have been like, yeah, of course Dusty did. So the deadliest animal in the world.

I think you guessed this on another episode. Mosquito. Mosquito can kill up to a million people a year. Scientists say throughout the history of the world, there have been 108 billion humans that have ever lived. 52 billion of them died from malaria from a mosquito. Almost half. Now, mosquitoes versus humans, if they develop the intelligence, we're done. Yeah, I mean, I think ants are in the same boat, but yes, mosquitoes you can't even see. Yeah. We'd make special glasses.

I bet that's the first thing you'd have to do. And citronella everywhere. And then you wouldn't want to... What? Citronella everywhere. That's what gets them? Well, you know, that repels them. Yeah. I don't know what that is, but the Gates Foundation, Bill and Melinda Gates have...

The Gates Foundation, they're pushing artemisin, and it's a new anti-malaria drug that's helping to keep people from dying from malaria. You know what I just thought of in my head? If your name was Bill, it would make sense too. Me? I don't know why. Yeah. Bill Bates? Bill Bates. I think I thought of it. It's the reason in my head I thought. If you were a Bill, you'd be like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. I don't know if I'd see another Aaron. It's like, this makes sense.

And then you're the one that you're like, you could be Bill too. Yeah. There was a football player, Bill Bates, played at University of Tennessee and played for the Cowboys. Yeah. And I would say in my life, more than next to Brian, people who mistake me called me Bill. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get his autograph? I did, actually. He's in the Tennessee Sports Hall of Fame. There he is, Bill Bates. Bill Bates. Bill Bates. Look at that. Yeah. How old were you?

I was a kid. They came. That's good. We're getting somewhere. I was in my 30s like sometimes. But they came and played a charity basketball game. And I got a bunch of University of Tennessee players. How did you get tickets to that? It was at Lebanon High School. Yeah, I know. I'm joking. You played, won a Super Bowl.

Oh, played in Super Bowl. Oh, wow. I think he is one of the guys that Herschel Walker famously ran over in college. No, he was a three-time Super Bowl champion. Yeah. Good. Pro bowler, two-time second team All-SEC.

Yeah. Guys, show some respect. As a coach, as a player, he was there with the Cowboys when the Cowboys were the Cowboys. Oh, yeah. Yeah. From Farragut. What county is that in? Knox County. Yeah. Oh, he's in Knoxville. High school, Farragut. Yep. Undrafted. Undrafted, too. He still played 15 seasons. We're overachievers. That's what we do. Old Bill Bates. Old Bill Bates. Is that him over there in the...

That picture? This is a different Bill Bates. This is Willis Sherman Bill Bates. This is Brian's high school graduation photo. Circa 1907. This is Bill Bates was the head football coach at Fairmount College, now known as Wichita State University from 1905 to 1908. So they have a history of being...

Great. Bates. Yeah, being great. Yeah. Carrying it on, guys. Carrying it on. I'm doing it. Yeah, you're the one signing the autographs. Look who's signing the autographs now. Bill. That's how he says it. He goes, Brian, calm down. Brian. Brian. Brian Bates. Brian Bates. That's how you sign it. Give me five more dollars, I'll give you the A. Okay.

I don't know. I didn't have the money on me. Scorpions kill about 3,200 people each year. Those numbers are low numbers. That's like, yeah. I don't even know if I would get, I don't think I might have guessed a scorpion to be a reptile. I don't even know what I would have thought. You think that's dumb? We should almost edit that out. I mean, out of all the stuff that I've said in my life, and I've topped it off,

I don't know if I ever thought a scorpion was a reptile. I don't even know how you would think that. I don't know. What do you think it is? An insect. I would have probably said...

Definitely just not a reptile, and you can go from there. You would have started from there. No, it's not a reptile. Yeah. Might be a mammal. Out of thought of insect, I guess. Well, it's not. What is it? Is it its own thing? It's an arachnid. It's got eight legs there. It is a wild thing, a scorpion. It is. It is crazy. So there was a... It doesn't remind me of a frog. Is a frog a reptile? It's an amphibian. It's a Gila monster right there. Yeah. Huh? Yeah.

It's amphibian, right? Yeah. Those are different than reptiles. Yeah, but they're so closely associated, the reptiles. I think the amphibian is that it comes from- But I can't have scorpions? They hang out. Yeah. They hang out. Amphibian is like a fish that turns into a reptile, basically. Like a tadpole? Yeah. Starts out as a fish and ends up- I know what you're talking about.

It's like where it grew up to where it's now. You go, I know where the house you grew up in. And then they're trying to, he goes, no, no, I'm from out here where you guys, you ain't from here. Yeah, you're from the water. You're from the water. That's right.

Made a change. So there was a Roman emperor that attacked Mesopotamia. I hope I said that right. There's more and more wars that people have used insects. I know. And on the other side, there was a 40-foot wall. They had a breach. And the other side, they were using scorpion bombs, just throwing scorpion bombs over the wall. Scorpion bombs? Just throwing live scorpions over there? Just put them in some type of makeshift bomb. Yeah, scorpions and throwing them over the wall. Well, why does there have to be a scorpion in there if there's a bomb? The bomb is the scorpion. What does that add to it?

Okay, that's what I'm saying. They just throw live scorpions over there? Yeah, but not only are they grabbing them in their hand, like they're putting them in something. There's no explosion.

Yeah. It's a ball. Wrap it on them. Put them in like a hamster wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Probably some twigs or some, they tie them up and then you throw it. And it kind of breaks. Yeah. And then the scorpions are just loose. Yeah. You got to put it in some cake. Pretty good relationship. Oh, there's cake here. Yeah. Like a king cake. Yeah. Yeah, but with a scorpion in it. You got to have a good relationship with those scorpions and make sure that they're going to go do what they're supposed to go do. Yeah. Yeah.

You just hear people go, what's the crack? Crack. You stamp on them. They go, he's idiots. You just hear them talk. You guys are throwing snakes at us. Brian Bates. Brian. These reptiles? King Bates comes over. What are they? What are they throwing turtles over at us? It worked. They eventually had a retreat and they did not breach the wall. Wow. Whoa.

And then there was a dictator in Uzbekistan who had a, they called it the bug pit. And he would throw his prisoners down in this 20 foot deep pit with these crazy insects. And they would, these insects would just bite people's skin and it was just torture them. One guy was down there for three years. Three years. I want to be used to it. You know, like you just get like, you don't even like you're feeling maybe a 10th of what you're actually getting.

I don't even know how he could survive. Now, that's an argument for the other side, for humans being ants. Because if a guy could survive that for three years. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how many he was throwing down there, but just enough to torture the guy. Oh, they kept throwing bugs down there. Yeah. They probably did enough to keep him alive. Was he tied up?

Now he was down in a pit and then this guy came and rescued him and they called him and threw him down there with him too. He spent two years down there. That sounds like you describing that. You work at the local ale house in the town. You go...

I heard they got a guy over there, prison, bug prison over there. And he goes, you hear it? That other guy broke him out, dead gum. I got to throw him in there too. And he goes, you want another one? What's an ale house? Like you get beer. Like a tavern. Like you're at a tavern. They're like the letter L. It's just the way you said it sounded like it was a small town. Like I could see you as a, you know, you're the town crier. Yeah. And you just, as you walk around, you know, you walk in, maybe you don't work there. You sit next to him and he goes, did you hear about that bug prison?

He goes, yeah. Guy got out. He threw that guy and he got him out. There's two guys over there. Can you believe that? Can you believe that? All right. Well, I'll tell you, this city. This city. I'll tell you what. I don't know. It's not the town I grew up in. I'll tell you that much. There's the bug pit right there. It's pretty horrifying. So he couldn't just kill the bugs?

I mean, if you keep throwing bugs, you can't. Yeah, they don't send you down there with spectracide. Yeah. I just think he would just smash the bugs and eat them. They don't have a dusty that comes and sprays. I guess you're right. I mean, he probably eventually killed them, but each one takes a bite or two out of them before he can kill them. But I'm just saying, he's just down there. Was he asleep when they throw the bugs? Yeah.

I think he's in a dark pit. It's dark. Yeah, it's dark. Even if it was light, I don't think you're... Well, if I'm in a pit and it's light and you throw a scorpion down there, I'm going to just go in. I think he's throwing a bunch of buckets. He's throwing buckets. Yeah. I think they probably started with one scorpion and then they go, that's not...

He got that one pretty quick. He goes, all right, throw two more down there. What'd this guy do? Any word on that? I mean, back then, who knows? Looked at, like, painted the wrong house. Stole some mail. It didn't take much. Yeah. I mean, you were going into a bug prison.

If there's a bug prison in your town, you're probably going to go in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think anybody that puts a bug prison in place is rational. Yeah. That's true. That's true.

In 1989, California had a sudden invasion of Mediterranean fruit flies called med flies. And scientists were like, where are all these med flies coming from? And then this group that called itself the breeders sent a letter to the local newspaper saying, if you don't stop your chemical spraying, we're going to keep unleashing these fruit flies that destroy your crops and everything like that. And it worked. They stopped. After three days, they stopped doing it.

Nobody still knows who the breeders are, but they threaten to keep doing it and releasing these med flies. Wow. Wow. The breeders, meaning they're breeding fruit flies. Yeah, I guess. That's what they call them. Fruit flies are about the most frustrating. One of the more frustrating. Yeah. Yeah.

Mosquitoes are very frustrating too. Deal with a lot of fruit flies? When you deal with them and when you are amongst them, you got to leave the place. Where are you at? Where do you hang out with fruit flies? Applebee's. Go eat at a restaurant. That's where I'm dealing with them. Go eat at a restaurant. I just ate at a restaurant this weekend and there was fruit flies.

I mean, they just come out of nowhere and they like dive bomb you and you're just like, you're just having to swipe it. Is that just a fly? Like a gnat. No, no, it's like a gnat. Oh. But it's like, they're always, you always said fruit flies because they would always be by the bar. They had like the lemons and limes and all that. There'd be fruit flies. Is that a fruit fly? Yeah, these are fruit flies. So like by where they keep put all the stuff, you know. Little cherries. Cherries. Yeah. And then there's just fruit flies would be over there. And you'd always be-

It's just like they're annoying. Yeah. That's like in South Carolina, they have no-see-ums. And that's like little gnats that bite and they just will swarm you. You can swap, but they just come right back. And they're called no-see-ums? No-see-ums. Because you can't see them? Yeah. I think that's a real term for them. No-see-ums. Like those cow killers? Yeah.

Well, yeah. Yeah. So during the Cold War, the United States was looking at ways to use bugs as warfare on Russia. So they did some experiments here in the United States. One of them was Operation Big Buzz, where they dropped 300,000 mosquitoes on Savannah, Georgia. Didn't tell anybody about it.

And they were testing to see if they could put yellow fever on them and see how far they spread out and could maybe kill people. So they did this test and they dropped 330,000 unaffected mosquitoes on this town. The government did that? That doesn't seem right. They did.

Savannah is a predominantly black city. During COVID, when they were trying to get people to get the shots, they wouldn't do it. And some of the longtime people were saying, look, I lived here when you dropped mosquitoes on us and didn't even tell us about it. I'm not going to trust the government. I agree. I mean, why would you? That's insane.

Yeah. And why are we doing this? Because we were going to do it? We were going to use it as maybe as warfare on Russia.

And so they were testing to see if they could put yellow fever mosquitoes and drop it somewhere and infect a lot of people. I mean, dude, how this is not just the biggest story on earth. I know. It's kind of crazy. Well, I'm shocked that I didn't even know the Japanese one where they killed 440,000 Chinese people with fleas. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. They did a few of these.

test. A couple of them in Savannah. One of them was called Operation Big Itch. And this was fleas. Determine if fleas could survive if you dropped them and put something on them. This was in I think Utah. They did this testing. And the fleas got out in the plane. Bit the pilot, the bombardier, and observer. And so they had to stop doing it because the fleas got loose. 200,000 fleas. Where are you even getting these fleas at?

flea market you think you think flea market is they sell fleas you think they sell fleas you think they sell fleas yeah where are you getting 200 000 fleas some labs you breed them in a lab yeah some scientists that we're supposed to trust is in a lab putting he's also one of the scientists that's the well i'm a scientist you go yeah but you're

You're breeding fleas. Yeah. And pour them on people. Yeah. What are you doing working on? Well, we're going to- Trying to put malaria into fleas. We're going to drop half a million mosquitoes into Savannah, Georgia. Oh, are we at war with Savannah, Georgia? No, but we think, God forbid somebody does this to us. Yeah. That's great. So let's do it to us to see. Yeah. We want to know what it'll do. What it'll do. What were the results of that?

Well, it says going forward, they used guinea pigs after they actually started biting people. They started calling humans guinea pigs. It says Big Itch proved successful. Tests showed that not only could the fleas survive the drop, but they also soon attached themselves to the host. So it looks like it would have worked. The fleas only were active for about 24 hours. So I guess they retire pretty quick. What about the thing in Savannah, though? What do you mean the fleas...

What do you mean they were active? Well, I'm just reading that there, but I think it means maybe fleas attach themselves to a host. Yeah. And then after 24 hours, I don't know if they die or they just stop doing it. And you got to just hope that they don't breed and I guess. Yeah. And completely destroy the town there. Yeah. Well, I guess that's what the US was hoping that would happen if they did it, if they dropped it somewhere. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

It's just wild, man. It doesn't sound right. I have more questions. I just trust the government so much. They also looked at dropping caterpillars. This was in Peru. I don't know if everybody's hearing about that news story on the radio.

And that's where you're at Channel 5, and he goes, you know, they drop cow pillows, just boop. Got to get my pencil. In 1958, they released 600,000 mosquitoes in Avon Park, Florida. We've been doing this to ourselves for decades. Operation Dropkick, this is called. Good heavens. So next time a mosquito is bothering you, remember who's at fault here.

the United States government. Yeah. What's human experimentation in the United States? I mean, just a ton. Yeah. Yeah. The caterpillars was used for the war on drugs. They were going to be dropped in Peru. Because they become beautiful like butterflies and everybody just gets off drugs because they go, what a beautiful place. Yeah.

Yeah, bring some peace into the world. Yeah. Now they're going to drop them on the opium fields to eat up all the poppy seeds or whatever. Okay. It's kind of a good way to end the war. Yeah, I'm all right with that. I don't know. I mean, anytime...

You still got to go, when were they going to do this? As late as 2002, they were looking into it. I mean, look what the government's already done dropping bugs, and now you're going, I think their message just got better going, no, we're doing it for the opium. Yeah. And then you want to be like, I don't know. Are you? Yeah, are you? And it's not worked if they did it. Yeah. There's a lot of drug problem now. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I guess they tried it and it didn't work. I don't think they're doing it now. Probably sprayed pesticides on those open fields. Yeah. And they're like, hey, we got a crop to take care of here. Yeah. I always saw you as an anti-pesticide guy. Well, I am kind of anti-pesticide now, but I, you know, but I mean. You had to make some money. Yeah. And Owen's going to hire...

The hard part about the people that will work pesticide is there's the people that don't believe in pesticide, but you ain't going to get another job inside of a building, you know? That's exactly right. Yeah. You got to make the money while you can, you know? Yeah. That is a guy that's willing to spray just stuff around his body.

Smell it, all that. You? Yeah, I mean, I really just sold it. I mean, once in a while, a bottle would break. Yeah. But I was just like telling people that my stuff's the best. Yeah. I didn't grow the drugs. I just sold them. Right. Exactly. I wasn't doing them. I was selling them.

Do you do pesticide at your house? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I still do. You know, I like, because I don't, you know, there's no need to hire bug guys when you can just spray yourself. Mm-hmm. Sure. Because you know how to do it. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty easy. I mean, they make it seem like it's complicated. So you feel good about your house if the ants come to life? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm ready to go. I'm ready to combat ants at any time. Mm-hmm.

What about Japanese beetles? Well, the Japanese beetles are a real problem. I mean, I don't have them around here that I've had to deal with, but they make nets, Japanese beetle traps, but you have a little lure in there that brings them to the trap. So you just bring them all to your area and then you trap them. But the question is, are you bringing more than you would have otherwise? They just swarm, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

We used to have what you called June bugs, and they say you could take a June bug and you'd tie a little string around one of its legs and let it fly around. I've done that. Like a kite. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I've done that. Cockroaches have been around for 300 million years, and they would survive a nuclear war. You guys ever heard that? Yeah, I think I had a joke about it. I think you did too. I remember seeing that. Yeah. Yeah.

About nuclear war? You said something like, do you know that or do you just know that we can't? Look it up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they always say that about cockroaches, that they've been around forever, that they could survive a nuclear war. And I'm like, yeah, maybe a lot of stuff would. Let's find out. Yeah. Yeah. They would. Yeah. Why do they think they could survive? Something about just they can handle a high level of radiation. Yeah.

And they've got examples. When the bombs were dropped in Japan, they found perfectly healthy cockroaches from 1,000 feet away from where the bomb dropped. Just minding their own business. Just like, what happened to the food I was eating? They can survive a month with no food or water and two weeks with their head cut off. Two weeks. Very frustrating two weeks. Yeah. Just what a mess. Yeah. For the head and the body. Do they operate independently? Like, is the head still going? I don't know. I don't think so.

Two weeks. Now, there's 14,000 different species of ants. So that could help us because they got to all get it together. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're not going to be friends. They're going to end up fighting each other. You know that. Yeah, but I think their first goal is to take over us. And then they run the world. And then from there, it's the inner. But they have the same bond. We have unity. They have the same bond.

That's true. But let's say this, though. What if there's a group of ants? We've been stepping on them for years. We've been asking for it. Years. What if there's a group of ants that is on our side and it's like, we actually need the humans. The humans create a lot of things that we eat. Uh-huh. Yeah. Like Planet of the Apes. You ever seen that? Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen all of them, actually. The old and the new. But they have crops and stuff like that. I mean, I don't know if we're creating. It's like everything will just grow up and then they'll just eat the grass. But what if there are ants that have been living off the landfills or something and they're like, we actually have grown to need the humans. Yes. And now we're going to defend them. So we have a symbiotic relationship. Yeah. Yes. There have to be a bunch of them because there's 20 quadrillion of them.

I mean, that's so many. It's an unimaginable number. It's a lot. 20, like, yeah. I always thought, we might talk about this one. If you could pick to have a penny of anything, what would you say? But I'd say a grain of sand because then you'd have an unimaginable number. But you could say ants and be like, you're doing good.

You're doing great if you're 20 quadrillion. Yeah. At $40. What would be a penny of every human though? Like 8 billion. What's that? How much money is that? 8 billion pennies. 80 million or something. I'll take it. Yeah. It's not as crazy though. If someone said that, if they told you to do this, if someone said, all right, a genie comes and goes, you get a penny of anything. And first guy goes, humans.

The second one's like a grain of sand. You're like, damn. Yeah, yeah. Because then you're back to as poor as you just were. Yeah. If they give you, here's your $80 million, and then they go, here's your quadrillion dollar. You're like, I mean, get out of here with your $80 million. Like, you won't be poor. You won't even be able to ask for stuff. Yeah. $80 million. Nothing. But it's like, that guy would be super rich, but I would still have $80 mil. But if...

In comparison to him, I'd be poor. I'd just be like, I'm going to live in a different part of the world than you. But I wonder if each of you, I mean, you just sit there just going, you have $80 million. You're like, you know people that have $80 million. There's people that have $80 million. Yeah. That guy, he's the richest ever. Yeah, he's almost just as like an arbitrarily rich.

Yeah. Just infinite number. But now there's a target on his back. Yeah, but you go, that guy could be like, I'll give you a trillion dollars, just quit talking. And then he wouldn't even notice that's gone. Yeah. Because he has 80 quadrillion. So key would be to talk a lot around this guy. Yeah. And go, I wish I would have thought about it. I didn't know we could say grain of sand. I would have said, you know, stars. I would have said something like that. I was trying to be nice. You just got to complain enough.

Yeah. And you go, all right, dude, here's a billion dollars, trillion dollars. I just want to be done with this. Yeah.

Would you have to pay taxes on that, you think? If the government found out that you had a genie, they'd be like, well, we heard about your wish. Yeah. You got to give the taxes. Yeah. Yeah. 40%. You could probably just, yeah, you would just be like, nah, you could just buy an arm. You just go, I'm not going to pay taxes on it. You just take over America. It's good. Yeah, the world. I mean, you just go, I'll pay, you know.

You could probably pay people a million dollars to be. I'll give you $150,000 a year tax-free and be my army. Do you accept pennies, though? Can I pay in pennies? Can I pay in pennies? It's all in pennies. Might I pay in change? Yeah. That's the only downside. Yeah. That's the downside. Do you think that guy could defeat all the ants? I mean, you need like a year to get prepared.

Just go up on your penny mountain. Yeah, I think he would have to live on some...

He'd live in the water. He'd have his own island. He'd have his own island. And those ants can't get across water. I don't care how smart you are. You can't swim across water as an ant. But if there's so many of them. If they're smart as us, you'd find a way. They'd build their own little boat. What are they going to do? Blow up a life raft? No, they'd take over a boat. They'd build an ant bridge. There's boats everywhere now. Everybody's dead. So the ants have a way. They look up the schedule of the ferry.

And then they're like, well, the leaves are 3 o'clock. If you can look up the schedule of the ferry, they can look up the schedule of the ferry. Or they go to a laptop and type it in? No, they can go wait for a ferry. They just take over the boat. I don't think they're waiting in line. I don't think they're just going. Ants can build bridges, though. They link themselves to each other. So in this hypothetical, they not only have the intelligence of human beings, they have all of our knowledge, too.

I think they're a way to learn it. I think they way to learn it, but they're starting from golly, we're 30,000 years ahead of. Yeah. But they can dig into our research. They can Google. They're smart enough to Google. Okay. They're smart enough. All right. Wikipedia. They're smart. I would say they're just equally as smart as us. So it's us versus human brains and human brains and ants. That's tough. That's tough. There's just so many, but they're that little. So that's the, that's the thing. Yeah. Hmm.

So the shortest lifespan of any insect, the mayfly, it lives 24 hours. That's fun. It's a tough day. It's a good day. You live the life that you've been given.

Live every day like it's your last. That should be the Mayfly slogan. Live every day like it's your last. You never know when you're not going to be here. You get hit into it. 40 minutes. Imagine killing a Mayfly. Yeah. It's like he only had a...

If a mayfly could let me know it's a mayfly, I would let it be. Just let it ride out. But how do most of them die? Old age? They just, they're born, they breed, and then they die. They have heart attack? Yeah. Cardiac arrest. They get too excited. They fly around too much. Yeah. Do insects have hearts? I would say yes. I would think so. I don't think they look like ours. It looks like more of a robot thing inside of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, here's a grasshopper. It's got a heart. It doesn't look anything like our heart. We're just agreeing to call it a heart. The heart seems like it has three, and it's kind of in the back. Yeah, where some other stuff is. Yeah.

Well, that's why they can make all the noise in the back. Yeah, they're like... And those legs. That's how their legs get... They get going. You ever seen the front of a grasshopper? It's like a drunk. The back's like, come on, man. Get it together. I love how the diagram is kind of like, yeah, it's in this area. Yeah.

Heart's around here. Around here. Yeah. There's a squid inside of this. I'm not sure. Maybe the heart is the whole length. Oh, no, that's aorta. Aorta. Aorta. Mm-hmm. Yeah, the heart's somewhere around there. Maybe it is the aorta and the heart are all one. Being an insect's got to be just a panic of just every day is like,

Oh, such a big day. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You can't take a day off as an incident. There's no day off. You really can't. You can't. You can't go, son, I'm just going to rest today. Yeah. Watching football. But these ants, they all have a point. Like there's worker ants and there's the queen ant and they all have a role to play. And I hope one day to stop that. I think you introduce...

Human intelligence, the human ego, the human attitude. A lot of those institutions just go out on the drain. They're not going to follow a queen. Not blindly. Not blindly, no. England still does. But they eventually agreed that queen, you're not really doing much. But the unity that we have that you're saying we would have over the ants, they would have that over us.

We've been doing way more to the ants than they've done to us for years. So they're going to be mad. But you're saying also they'll have egos, so they'll be infighting. Yeah. I'm not going to be a worker ant. I don't think they're going to be a perfect unit. Yeah, so say a billion of them have egos and they fight it off. There's...

Still 20 quad, say a quadrillion of them. There's still 19 quadrillion. So, I mean, like, it's just, you know, like. But the Queens are going to be on a power trip. That's what I think. But it's like the military. So, like, they're militarized. So, they come from a military background. So, it's like, follow the, so it is the, we have the egos because you're like, we're not, if we were all in the military, we'd be like,

Yeah. I think it'd be much different, but we're not. So everybody's coming from all these different things. The ants are very militarized. You wake up, it's like, this is what time we get up. Everybody alarm goes off. Yeah.

Yeah. We're hitting it. But I think there's no leadership structure in place for these ants. The queen. Collectively. Those are for individual colonies. There's no main queen. Yeah. There's no overarching. But there could be. I bet one of the big ants becomes a main queen. Do you think they'd do it democratically? They'd have an election and then everyone would be happy with it? I think there would be a war of the ants. There could be an alignment. I think it would be about, hey,

hey, we need to get rid of these humans. And then maybe there's a point where they go, we could use the humans to get rid of the ants that become a problem because they can start becoming a problem for the ants. So then maybe there's a side group of ants that are like, you know, they got protest signs of being like, well, you know. Yeah, they're against war. Yeah, they're against war. The military industrial complex of these ants. Eventually it would get, you know.

I think there will be a war of the ants before they went to war with the humans. And then while they were decimated after the war, we go on the attack. And just think the breeding of them when there's no threat of, I mean, it's just 20 quadrillion becomes 40 quadrillion overnight. Yeah. Imagine though that the ants just became- Because now they're doing it with purpose. What if they just became our friends and the ants came in here and-

We're on the podcast. They had little microphones. You better hope so. Yeah. Just like the Geico commercial. Yeah. Get a little microphone set up here. What's that? Male ants live a few weeks. Worker ants, between one and three years. And the queen can live up to 30 years. Wow. How many babies does she have in there?

years. Millions. Millions? I think so. This is another part we're not thinking about. So being with that lifespan all of a sudden gains consciousness. I think they're grappling with existential dread the whole time.

I'm going to be dead in a week. What's the point? But you look at these – look at some other countries where it's war-torn their whole life. But they're not living a month. They turn – The drugs. Yeah, but even – Drugs and alcohol. Yeah. But humans even can get to where like life doesn't mean what it means to like us in a house and like you get – so it's – But do you think if every human being on earth knew they were going to die next week, there'd be –

So much war and bloodshed. But if we knew something was the reason we were going to die, then we would unite because none of us want to die. So like ants could, if they get it, they go like, we're not going to, we have to know the answer as smart as we are. So we go, we got to fix this ant thing. And they're like, they're coming after us.

So we had to take over. Then those ants would be like, we're only going to be around a few years. Why would we do the bidding of this queen who's going to be around for 30 years? I think the psychological dynamic is- I think they would learn how to live longer.

Because then just like that, they become smarter. So then they're like, well, they're not dying from falling off cliffs. They're dying because their bodies are built to, it's just the way they're built. They die that young. But they would find the right supplements. They'd get their supplements. Eat athletic greens. Every morning we jog. AG1. AG1, we jog, we do stuff like that. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Fun to think about.

This has been, I mean, I've loved this discussion. I mean, the ants versus humans war is, I want to see the movie. Yeah. It'd be a good movie. Yeah. I can't wait to see it. It'd be a good movie. Did we read all the ads? I didn't have one. Yeah, we had two. We only had the two this time. Yeah. Okay. I only remember one being read. I guess that's it then.

all right that was a fun one that was a fun one uh all right so this is uh next so this comes out next week and so monday i think 31st that's tuesday i think right yeah yeah jade red 31st amazon prime uh it will be i don't know the time so i don't know what amazon does you know i know uh

Netflix does like 3 a.m. or something like that, or midnight Pacific, 3 a.m. Eastern. So I don't know what Amazon does. So I should know soon what time it's going to come out. But January 31st, Amazon Prime. Go check it out if you can. Tell people. Hope it's fun. It's exciting. Yeah. Yeah.

It'll be good. You'll see a little Derek in it. You saw earlier. A little Derek and Abigail make an appearance. All right. What about your son? My son? Man, Chase, people still ask. We haven't been selling merch either at shows. Some people have seen that. We do it online. We sell it online. Merch worked out. Maybe we would do it again, but right now merch just wasn't. Comedy, it just doesn't work as good.

For how much we were having to bring. Yeah. The...

It didn't really. It doesn't scale that well. Yeah. Yeah. It just would. But we're still going to be adding merch and we got stuff on the website. We're doing that kind of thing. So we're still going to be, we still, you can still buy merch and do all that stuff. We just haven't been doing it live at shows. That didn't really make sense at the moment. So, but Neighborhood AT, Hello World, Amazon, Prime Video. And yeah, yeah.

So go. It's the big one. So go check that out. Awesome, man. This Saturday, Waukesha, Wisconsin at Fox River Christian Church. Next Saturday, no, next Friday, Lexington Opera House with Dusty Slay and Aaron Weber. All right. Nice. Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend. Good Nights Comedy Club. Then I'm in Lexington with Dusty and Brian. Then I'm in Omaha, Nebraska, Charlottesville, Asheville, Texas.

West Bend, Wisconsin, Lowell, Arkansas, Nashville, St. Louis, Lexington. I'm everywhere. Boom. Come hang. I'm going to be in Grand Rapids this weekend at Grand Rapids, Michigan at Dr. Gren's. Great club. I love it. The last time I was in Dr. Gren's, they said they were going to close and then they did not close. So I'm very excited and I'll be back.

And then Lexington with Brian and Aaron. And then Atlanta, Georgia. So it's going to be two hot weekends, even though it'll be very cold. Are those your first theater shows, Dusty? I think officially, yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. There it is. Yeah, so it's going to be great. It's awesome, man. So let's make it a success so we can do more of them. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So that people don't show up and go, ooh, maybe jumped there a little too quick, huh? Mm. Yeah. Yee-yee. Yeah. Yee-yee. One guy, yee-yee. Yee-yee. Yee-yee. You said the middle, right? Yee-yee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. As always, and Joe and his son, solid question. We didn't talk about the ant thing the whole time. That was the whole episode, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We love you. And yeah, have a good week and see you next week. When do I go? Yep. Oh, just whenever? Yeah, just whenever you're ready. I'm so used to the music intro. For some reason, I thought you played it in the room.

Nateland is produced by Nateland Productions and by me, Nate Bargetze, and my wife, Laura, on the Audioboom platform. Recording and editing for the show is done by Genovations Media. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.