Ep 76: Going Pro Is Easy, Picking Which Sport Is Hard
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Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today, we talk about...

I totally sat on my balls. The fact that we're not sexy TikTok stars, we're fucking blowing it. Don't ruin a good story with the truth. His dick is a shovel cock. Here we go. Start your engines. We're back. I don't want to wait for this part.

Welcome back. I just blew a booger on my microphone. Oh, God. Oh, Kyle's back, baby. That's fucking gross. Oh, man. Look at these people. Look. Adam, is that stuff you were drinking last week? Yeah. I'm back on the sauce. Dang it.

Did you settle on a flavor? Blueberry? Or what's this one? This is more of like a raspberry. Man, were you thinking about it all week? Guys, guys, I joined the USA Pickleball Association. Are you serious? This is the way. Oh my...

Association. Yep, I joined. I joined, and the reason I joined is because I'm going to try and start competing in tournaments. Oh, fuck, dude. Are you really? Yep. That's tight. Wow. I'm so into this. Can I tell you something, Kyle? I'm so worried for you because I remember thinking in college, I remember being like,

I'm pretty good at badminton. Like, in high school, we played it a bunch. I was always... Badminton rocks. Maybe the best in our gym class. No big deal. And then my homie Toof, Alex, we would go to open badminton at Wisconsin and go to these gyms. Sure.

And we would play each other and it was fucking, it was a good time. We had fun. And then these dudes from Asia, where it's a real sport that a lot of people play, we're like, do you guys want to play doubles? And we were like, okay.

Okay. Okay. Hell yeah, we will. Destroyed us. Sure. Well, yeah, I'm completely planning on getting my ass handed to me on a silver platter, baby. Okay. And is that fun? Well, I got to start somewhere. I'm in a long game here to try and be professional by mid-50s. So I have 15 years to get through all the ranks and stuff. Yeah, that's true. That is a long, long time. Yeah, I'm not in a rush. I'm very much just kind of going to start...

So...

seeing if the world is for me. Kyle, have you watched any competitions? Have you looked at any level of play outside of the people you're playing with in Toronto and our homies' 60-year-old parents? Have you looked outside of that? Yes. Which, by the way, I did play our homies' 60-year-old parents and I got stomped the other day. 60-year-old parents? 65. I think they're 65. Time to go. You've got to be part of the association now.

But I do think you're starting somewhere. You'll get to play more games. You'll be more invested in it, I feel. I have a question as well. Is the uniform involved? What's the protocol as far as that goes? Can you wear a tank top? Yeah, you can wear whatever you want. You can design your own player, which is what I'm going to do. Design your own player? Yeah.

Like a video game? As if he's a human video game, yes. So what are you doing? Rolling up on a motorcycle? Wearing steel-toe boots? I don't know, man. I don't know. Is it going to be less about the actual play and more about how your guy's backyard wrestling? Yeah. The ring entrance? Yeah.

There is some of that. There's some of that going on. I feel like I'm going to roll with all like, uh, you know how you get the free like stuff from working on projects and stuff like this right here, like a workaholic season six. I think my whole outfit is going to be past projects. Oh,

Okay. And no, they'll be like, no one will know. Yeah. They'll never question it. I know, but it's going to make me smile. And like, this is not about like, it's just about me doing something fucking strange for myself. Kind of. Yeah.

I'm into it. I hope you're hella good. I feel like that's a pattern with you. This is a pattern. You're a searcher. We talk about you behind your back and you're a searcher. Okay. Is this wrong? That you're a searcher? No, no. I search. Sure. You're looking for new and then you

You absorb everything you can from it, and then you move on. Like you used to surf. Yes, exactly. I go into a world. I go hard. I try and learn everything about it, and then I move on to the next world. Exactly. Maybe you are Keanu Reeves to harken back to last week's episode. Yeah. We're a dead ringer. You're the Matrix. You go in. You download it. You know Kung Fu. Dead ringer. And then you move on to the next. Kyle, do you think you've found...

the thing that you're gonna stick with till you're 60 like is this feeling very real to you yeah this is a long see you just got into it and you're saying like i'm gonna be in it into my 50s and then i'll be i'm worried about the knees no this is this is really well thought out because you guys know like i surfed for a while that's that's a little dangerous you get underwater you get turned when the waves get big it gets harder you have to be a great swimmer and very athletic

You know, and plus all the barracudas that you're scared of. Is that why you stopped? Did you have a scare? Well, I stopped surfing because, yeah, just like kind of was like, well, I've been in the water a lot. There's there's stuff that can like bite me. There's some sharks down here. So really, you got scared of surfing because you realize that there's sharks and you're like, I've been in the water enough. Right.

Odds are. No, it was like just critical mass on the world. I was like, okay, I'm done with this. I'm done with figuring out what the lineup is. Done with it. Figuring out. I was done with all the politics within the world and just the scene. Right, because there is like people get fucking salty if you surf their waves and shit, which I always hated about surfing. It's a hard part of the sport. It's a very hard part to get past. If you're good, everyone lets you go, though. Right, man.

I don't know if that's true. It is true. It is true. If you rip, everyone goes, all right, well, fuck. All right, you can surf here, bro. That's the hard part because if you're just mediocre, where are you supposed to go? Well, what are you supposed to learn? Huntington Beach. It's like when Chappelle shows up to the improv. He's like, I'm going up now. And everyone's like, yeah, you are going up right now, even though everyone else was like, there's eight other people that were going to go up. He's like, no, they're not. But that one, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. That one just, I guess I just had enough of it and I moved back to the Valley too. And that was, didn't make it easy. Yeah. That's the other thing. Like surfing, if you don't live on the beach is such a pain in the ass. You got to wake up early as fuck. Dawn patrol. A lot of time. A lot of time. You got to really want it. You got to really love those waves. I just. Is the East Bay area a big pickleball area?

Is that pickleball country up there? I don't know. You know, I think it's like kind of moving around. I'm just looking at the tournaments. There's a lot in Southern California, Newport Beach, and, you know, down there. Oh, he's coming back. Here he comes. Oh, dang. Welcome back. You can stay at the house, brother. Exactly. I can come down on professional athlete business now, which is kind of tight. Okay. That'd be tight. I like it.

I like that. I love it. It's not professional if you're not getting paid. Okay, well, athlete business. Is that what it is? But can you get paid in gear? Because I feel like I can get some gear and then that's like pro, right? You can be sponsored. Yeah, you can be a sponsored athlete. Then you're professional. Yeah. All right, cool. Cool, man. I look forward to that day in this journey. Get on that. Yeah, nice. I'm excited for you. What random sport do you guys think you could... You have the skill set enough now that if you put in...

five years of like really dedicating yourself to getting great, do you think you could go pro? None. Texas Hold'em. Poker. You're saying poker? You really think? Yeah, cards. Are you really that good at cards? I think if I put in like five years of work... I just pictured Blake going...

Or whatever the fuck. I also like to live dangerously. Your tells are so big. Right. I feel like the people that are great at cards have a great math brain. And then also. True. And then also, like, you have to be able to, like, you're pretty conservative. Like, you're not. Yeah. Yeah. I don't put it all on the line. You're pretty risk adverse. Okay.

Shut up, bitch. I don't know if I see that for you. I also have trouble keeping a straight face. Yes, I know. If you had a full house or whatever, you would just be like... You would have to lean into that. You'd have to lean into that. That's how you bluff. Okay. My dad is the worst card player, and he thinks he's good, and it sucks. You want people like that at the table. I know. I know. We play cards with each other, and when he gets a good card, his face literally goes...

And he goes, ooh. He goes, ooh. And I'm like, buddy, so you have the king? You were just dealt two aces. Man. You got pocket aces? You got the king then? He's like, ooh. I don't know.

I don't know. I guess the only reason I came out the gate with that is I played in a lot of online tournaments during the real shut-in COVID times. And I was pretty good at it. But then again, no one can see my face because I'm playing on an iPad. Right, right. But it was very fun. I remember you being good. Animated guy. Dude, you would have to play in like a mask from...

I don't know. Any movie with a mask. From Squid Game. Squid Game. Next time we get together, let's play some cards. I'd love to play some cards with you guys. Oh, I love playing cards. I would love to play cards with you boys. I didn't know that about you. I remember you being good, Blake. I remember that. Thank you. You would take the table. You could do it. I'm an okay card player. Let's do it. Let's get together. Let's put some real money on the table. Yeah, I'd play. That shit is fun. I'm not that good at poker. Hey, if we're going to play Norwegian poker, count me in.

What's that? What is that now? What's that now? It's something my grandma taught me. That's probably not even really Norwegian poker, but that's what she called it. And it's like you have four cards in a square, like face down. You can look at the bottom two once, and then you can't look at the top few. So you have to have a memory. Yeah, it's a memory game. And then you draw cards, and you basically try and get the lowest score.

you go through the deck and you get the lowest number. It's not really cards. It's like for absolute tiny children. Sure. That's cool. Sure. Let's play that. Let's play that, dude. Dude, I feel like it could be the next pickleball. Dude, I'd be really good at war. I'm really good at war. It's kind of like

Or go fish. I think mine would be foosball. I think. Ooh, that's a great call. Because I'm good at foosball. But then I've gone and like when I was in New York, there's like a few bars that you go downstairs and it's just like 50 foosball tables.

Yes. And people are just playing. And so me and my buddy Zach Leonardo, we were down there and we're playing. He's decent. And he's pretty good too. And we like rolled a few people and we're like, oh shit, maybe we're the best here. And then this guy came up and –

just annihilated us. Like, truly embarrassed us. And I'm like, he was doing things that I didn't even know you could do in foosball. Right. And it makes me... The hand-eye coordination is insane. Yeah. It makes me go like, oh, I don't have that skill set. But if you go, I'm dedicating five years of my life to get great, maybe I could get to the level, you know? Yeah. I wonder. Because I had a similar thing with Anders where I thought I was pretty decent at badminton. Don't tell... This isn't for the pod.

Oh, what are you talking about? Batman, dude. Batman. The shuttlecock. I was really good. I was nice with it. It's Minton. I was nice with it. I thought it was good. Shuttle what?

Shuttlecock. Cut the commercial. His dick is a shovelcock. But then you see people who are actually good and people who are Olympians and it's like, oh my god, I'm not even scratching the fucking surface. Of badminton. That's why out of respect for people who are excellent at this shit, there's nothing that would, at this point in my life, five years of training or whatever, nothing. What about dominoes? Just plain bones. Like the ones where you line it up?

And you push it over? No, not like that. Well, it's not out of respect. I mean, it needs to be something that you have a skill set, that you have a base, that you dedicate your life. You no longer have children. You no longer need to make money. I know what theirs is. You just can spend all day, every day getting better at this thing. Yeah. You got nothing.

No, I don't think so. You have no hobby? What about like anything, any skills? I got yours, dude. Okay. Slot car racing. I bet you could get hella fucking good at slot car racing. I can see you rolling into the slot car. Dude, that's what's up. You know, like the little ones on the track with the controller? Yeah.

So like remote control cars. Durs is not feeling it. Basically. Durs is not feeling it. I guess I just – I have zero – I don't have that bone in my body to like jump into something hyper-passionately anymore. We're like – I just don't have that bug. You're going to have to go through your kids. You've lost the will to live. I've lost the like I'm going to get professional at this. Like at this point, it's like no. I don't have that anymore. Wow.

Like paintball would be fun. Oh, there we go. Okay. There we go, baby. But then you see these guys at paintball and you go, oh, yeah, no. It's just the equipment. Once you have the same gun as them. No, it's not. Have you seen these dudes? I mean, I have. It's gear and time. It's not gear and time. These guys are fucking professors. A lot of it is gear. There's plays that they draw up and all this stuff. That's time. That's learned over time. But then there's execution. You got to be good.

That's also learned over time. And we would be, guys, together as a team. We would be paintball superstars. I feel like paintball, I would get in on that with you guys, like straight up. Fly anywhere in the world to play paintball with you guys. I would get in on that. You're saying it's gear and time. Everything is gear and time. Exactly. That's what we're saying. Take those out. But there's a next level thing. If basketball is a gear and time...

What the fuck are... No, basketball, there's not a lot of gear. Yeah. Basketball, you just have a basketball. Shoot big cock. You gotta have fucking Jordans and you gotta have a basketball. That's the gear. No, but paintball, you have like... And then the time of practice. The barrel and the fucking hopper and all the shit. Okay, skiing. Skiing is gear and time. Are you gonna be fucking...

Peek-a-boo street. The shoes do not affect your game as much as the paintball gun, the marker affects your game. If you have a shit marker, which is what they call paintball guns, you're not going to do anything. Good job, Blake. Okay, great. So you have the best gear. Good job. If you're not good, the best gear doesn't matter.

But in five years, I think you're arguing something, which I don't know why, because it's, I think you can be good at paintball in five years. You said it. You said professional. Everyone here, you said professional. That is true. And I don't know. I'm not saying you have to be the best. You don't need to be the Michael Jordan of paintball. You just need to be on a team that is a professional team that you guys tour.

I think in five years, you don't have a family anymore. This is a make-believe world. You don't have a family. You don't have a job. This is your job. Wait, did they die in a tragic incident? Like, does he have that? Can I use that? Yeah. No, this is a fake world where we don't have...

responsibilities where we could just dedicate our time to get good at the thing. We have unlimited time. Also, we also constitute... We said that to get pro, you have to be sponsored. So this is just getting somebody to send you gear in your hobby and then you're fucking pro.

So that's what we said. We could all do that tomorrow. Sure. Okay, so let's change the value of pro. Let's change that. What is that? Being paid money. You're being paid money by either... You have to win money or pay... You have to win money? Can you win money? Yes, win money at a competition or your government is paying you to train or...

there is a money contract from a sponsorship or a league. Okay, okay, copy. Do you think like bags? Do you think cornhole or something? I feel like if you practice that a lot, I feel like you could get pretty fucking good at it. Sure. I know what Durza's is. I know what Durza's is. What happened to paintball?

What happened to paintball? Are you ready? Paintball seems fun, but I'm still... Paintball is the best. I'm into doing a team with you guys and actually really trying this. It hurts so much. It hurts so much to get shot. Hey, I would love that. You know what we do? We do it at the live show. Yeah. And then if anyone gets hit in the audience, that's on them. Right, that is true. It's like a Gallagher show. Yeah. We're just showing our skills. Sign the release. Sign the release. Blake, what's your thing? What's my thing for you?

You become a dog show competitor. You're a dog show guy. Oh my God. I'm a dog or I run around with a dog. No, you have a dog. You bring your dog to dog shows and you win that motherfucking shit. Dude, you could do this. My makeup woman, Leanne, she's won the championship. She's won the Westminster dog show multiple times. Oh my God. Look at that. She's a pro and she has another job. And next time you see her, go, hey, my friend...

He could become what you are in five years, right? And she would kick you in the mouth. No, the dog is harder than paintball. No, I bet she would say, yeah, if he dedicates five years, he could be professional. If he dedicates himself, I bet she would. You'd say, bring it on. Like, look at these guys who play spike ball now. It's crazy. Hold on, because, yeah, we covered, like, bowling you can get to, but, like...

What's up? How do we get to an actual dog show and view this and see what these people even do? Because I don't even know what it is required to be. You got to get the dog. You got to get them. It's not easy. Blue Bloods. I got three dogs and

they know how to sit, man. All right? And stay put. This is a lot of time we're talking about more than paintball. But I could see Ders breaking a dog. I could see Ders doing the things required. Someone threw a dog. He would show no love to the dog. It would just be all training all the time. You know how they put out little treats for them when they do something right? I just put out my bare hand and everyone thinks I'm feeding them. Shut up, bitch!

How do we go to a dog show? I want to go so bad. I used to go to dog shows as a kid. Blake, you act like it's the craziest thing in the world. You could just go to a dog show. What do you mean? It's on ESPN like five times a year. They're at convention centers usually. Oh, I want to go so bad. I want to go. Evidently, you don't want to go that bad or else you would have already gone because they're very easy to go to. Yeah, it's pretty easy. I did not know that. I didn't

know it was a thing until Corona happened. I saw it on TV and I'm like, this looks so fucking fun. You didn't know. What about Best in Show? What did you think Best in Show was about? You thought that was a made-up world? He watched that with his eyes closed. You lose!

You lose. We just caught Blake in a lie, a little fibberoo. God, that movie's so good. Flowers to that movie? I thought it was super niche. I didn't realize this was an ESPN event and there's actually an audience for it. I didn't know that that was something you could do. I thought you had to be a part of the show or invited. I didn't even know that was something that was real. Can you just stroll up as an audience member and smoke weed? What?

Wait, you're just talking about watching though, right? I'm talking watching, but. Oh yeah, you'd buy a ticket. If you gave me five years, I'll be the best watcher. Dude, birdwatching. Can you go pro with that? Can you be a pro birdwatcher? No, because I got to be all in. I got to be passionate about it. And you love dogs.

I loved dogs as a kid. My wife's allergic, and now I hate dogs because I know that if I pet a dog and I go home, and then my wife's like, were you at a dog? You have to hate dogs. This is perfect. This is like your man cave. Durs has nothing in his life that brings him joy. Durs, you have the coolest backstory to become a pro dog show dude. Yeah, totally. It's basically like you're sneaking away to train this dog at night. Yep, yep. You keep your dog in your man cave.

because your life's allergic, but that's how you get away. You have to get in a hazard suit to trim it and stuff. It's like you're the dark horse. He does the Gattaca shower after training. Just the 12 monkeys getting scrubbed down up the butt. Bruce Willis, 12 monkeys getting scrubbed down. Where the fuck have you been? Where the fuck have you been? What are these scratches about, honey? What the fuck are these scratches about?

bristles from I was cleaning the other day. It's a juniper bush. I was hanging out with Blake. I had to comb Blake. Juniper bush outside. He got the claws out. Ran through some rose gardens. My bad. If you asked me 20 years ago,

I would have said like I could get into those like tough mudders or whatever. Those like obstacle course things. But these days, I just – I don't have that speed. Oh my god. Yeah. Well, that's hard. When it's truly about like physical ability, it's hard. And that's all I care about. Like I was thinking like, oh, rowing. But then like I look at people's times who are like in the Olympics and they're still like a minute and a half faster than my 2K and I'm like –

That's crazy. I mean, could you even get through a tough... Like, what is a Tough Mudder again? How long are you running? Because that shit always looks... We could all get through a Tough Mudder. Yeah, I could do it. Speak for yourself. How hard are they? They're tough. They're tough, bro. They're tough, Mudder. I feel good. I think we could all get through one. I don't think we would win, but we could get through. Should we do a team Tough Mudder? You know they do teams. I would love to. I would love to. I would love that. Nah. Nah.

Oh, shit. You can find me at the pickleball court. No, I would do it. I know I would hurt myself doing it, but I would do it. Oh, interesting. Well, what is the harder one? What's the notch up? Like the Roman one or whatever? Or what was it called? Like Spartacus? Yeah, Spartan run. Spartan races. Those are essentially the same thing, but I think you do throw like a javelin.

No, that's tight. Okay. So you have to practice that, which I think is... Dude, there you go. I'm into that, actually. Also, what an awesome business idea that someone was like, people love CrossFit and shit now. Let's just put it in mud and give them... It's like an adult obstacle course. Perfect. And then make them pay us

Yes, sir. And then they're all going to post it on their Instagrams and bullshit to being like, look what I did. Right. And then you just, you took a hundred dollars from them to let them run through mud. Yeah. Have a bar with beer there afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. That was like that. What was that one where you would run a whole fucking marathon and then they just throw like color paint on you at the end. And then, so you're, you get your picture and you're all in like rainbow paint and everything. And it's like, it's like a,

the color run. Anything that's Instagrammable is yeah. Yeah. Where they're like, Hey, take a picture of yourself with mud all over your face and let everyone know you're a weekend warrior. Yeah. Perfect. Do we kind of start around where it's like, uh, it's like difficult sand, pretty easy mudder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Like a mud walk.

Yeah. Mudwalk. Puddle jumpers. Yeah, I like a mudwalk. I'll do the mudwalk. You have to wear special boots and then the mud gets stuck to your fucking shoes and it gets heavier and heavier. We had a mudwalk at summer camp. You did? You guys have never been on a mudwalk? Never been on a mudwalk.

You go to like a legit, like muddy, swampy area and you just fuck. Like a legit one. Yes. Like a legit, like real mud. We're talking real mud here. Like literally mud. Like up to your waist. What? Up to your waist? No. What are you wearing? That's dangerous. And you're like trudging and crawling through. So you would walk through a literal swamp.

As a child. This was a thing at my summer camp where you'd go on a mud walk, right? This is in Michigan, so it's not a swamp as much as it is just fucking dank, muddy woods, right? But there's all kinds of snakes and shit in there, right? I mean, maybe, but not really. Are you wearing waders? No, no, no. That's the whole point is you just jack your shoes up. Shit your pants. Jack off. No, you're not naked, Kyle. Okay.

You just say you're naked, you jack off. Weird, wild stuff. Wait, so your shoes are getting stuck in the mud. Yeah, it's getting heavier and heavier. People lose shoes. You got to lace up super tight. And then you get fully muddy and then you walk back because the little mud area was kind of off campus where the cabins are. And then you walk back as a cabin, you're all muddy. Everybody sees you and they're like, oh shit, looking crazy. You like go and hug counselors and all that shit. That literal shit. Yeah.

Yeah. And so like, what is it like the more muddy you are, the more you think like girls are going to like you and shit. Exactly. Like he's crazy. Like, Oh my God. So you're like rubbing mud in your hair. You're like, Hey, what's up Becca or whatever. Yeah. There's always the one guy who's who eats it in front of the girls to be like, I'm crazy. And they're like, no, no, no. And then you go to the beach part of like the lake right there and you all get it in your clothes and like the mud comes off. Yeah.

Was this like a lot of boners? Your boobs are huge. Yeah, this is great. That's hot, dude. I like to do it. And that's a mud walk. And that's when you get nude. That is funny. Like as a kid, as a little boy, like how many things that you would do that you're like, chicks are loving this.

Oh my God. They're loving it. For example. Oh dude. Mud walk. Like, like we used to ride bikes and then just like, just like ride down some stairs in front of girls. And like they give a shit about me like riding my bike downstairs. Cause you're jackhammering. Yeah.

But just in your little boy brain, you're like, oh, they're going to love this. Reagan, Brittany, check this shit out. Meanwhile, it's just me going down six stairs. You like that? You like that? That's pretty crazy, right? Not really. Just skidding out in front of him. Totally. What's up? You almost hit me. Ow, a rock hit me. Ow, what the fuck? I totally sat on my balls.

Kind of remember just doing like big jumps down hills to impress girls like at the top of the hill you just like run Like in your shoes or on a bike no like just jumping like running and like Jumping and you get like air cuz it's like you're going down and then you roll a little bit and get back up and be like Yeah, and in your head you're like that was insane. I look like an explosion was going off behind

Yeah, and you're like, they had to love that. And you're looking over at them. They had to love that. And then you go get the hairspray and put it all over your hand and light it on fire and be like, look at me, look at me. So you're the guy who ate the mud, for sure. No, I didn't eat the mud, but I lit myself on fire. I'm not eating mud. Kyle, did you have soaps? Huh? Did you have soaps? Weren't they called soaps? Yeah, dude, soap shoes. Remember freestyle walking? Of course. Remember how fucking hardcore freestyle walking was?

Of course, dude. Do we remember it? Of course we remember it. Of course we remember it. So soaps were like they had a grind plate on the arch of your foot, right? Yeah, right in the center. It's like blading because that's where you would do the grind in the middle of the two wheels. It was like rollerblading without the roller.

Wheels or anything cool at all. Aggressive inline skating. Wow. Now, did you guys see freestyle walking for the first time in person? That's my thing. Or on the MTV special where the guy was a freestyle walker? No, we were already doing freestyle walking by the time that came out. Yeah, we were ahead of the curve. Well, my brother was an aggressive inline skater, so he had all the grind plates and everything. And he had Heelys. And he had Heelys.

And he had not Heelys. These are not Heelys. These are soaps. And this is just people who hung out with rollerbladers that didn't rollerblade, right? Yeah, essentially. No, so the rollerbladers could do it at school during lunch and shit. So you can hit rails where rollerblades are not allowed. Wow. This is why rollerblading died out, by the way. Because they were like, we could do this at school. And everyone sees them do what this is and go, okay.

Just wait till after school. You guys are dorks. Yeah. Okay, hold on. Wait, just pause. Pause. Have you seen people hit rails? Have you seen people hit rails on these soaps? It's pretty sick. There's a guy who does it on... By the way, blading is back in a big way. I'll say that. Blading is back. I live on the beach. What?

Rollerblades are back in a real way. That's different than aggressive. I bought mine during the pandemic for shizzle. That's different than aggressive skating. Aggressive skating is the grinds and the clunkers. Hey, I'm with you. I had some grind plates. Here he goes. Did I ever grind? No. The first time I did it, I almost re-snapped all the bones in my legs. So I immediately stopped doing that. I'm pissed now. What happened, Adam?

Almost had a re-snap. Yeah, I fell hard when I put on my brother's skates thinking I could do it. It's not easy. And neither are the soaps, okay? And neither are the soaps. You like cross your legs to do it, right? Oh, yeah. You could do that. Yeah, you could. That's one of them. Yeah, that's one of the skills. That's not the way you do it? No. You can go like this. You just go at the same... We have to land at the exact same time or else you slip out. It's sick. Check out some vids. It's sick. I'd love to. So Austin Anderson...

One of my groomsmen, you guys all know him. He got soaps in high school. He never rollerbladed in his life. And he was like, dude, I got soaps. Check this out. And I once again think it was the – Give me five years. I'm going to be pro. I once again think it was the type of thing of him going like, oh, chicks are going to love this. Wait until they get a load of me with these soaps.

And he jumped up on this rail and slipped. And I think he like broke his tailbone. Like he landed. It was like, no, it was like just like violently injured right away. Like I feel so many kids got hurt with those goddamn shoes. Adam real quick. Um, is Austin doing any acting? No,

Currently? I don't know. Because my kids threw on a movie the other day called The Weenie Race International. And it's like a straight-to-streaming movie in the vein of like, this costs no money. But in the credits, it said Austin Anderson. And we watched the first 20 minutes, and I didn't see him yet. But I was like, is Austin in this movie? Yeah.

No, I don't believe. Could be a common name. So I think, yeah, I think that's just a pretty common name. Yeah. I was going to be hyped. He was in the episode of The Strike, season one of The Strike.

Workaholics. I think there's a little kid named Austin Anderson. I remember talking with Austin about this. He was bummed about it. He was like a young pop star. And so when you look up Austin Anderson, it was like this kid singing at Universal. Oh, like the Yodel Kid? Oh, so he must have been one of the kids in this movie. Yeah, maybe. Because it's literally just kids talking and telling bad jokes. And then every seven minutes, there's dachshunds racing. And I was like, give me five years.

And I can race a dachshund. Absolutely. Oh, I do think that this Austin Anderson that I'm looking up is the Austin Anderson from back in the day that was trying to... Now he's 27 years old. He's not a child anymore. Right. Does he have like eyes that are far apart and like a swoop hair? Yes. George loves him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. George loves this guy. Big, big, big...

Big, big, big fan. He's his manager. I'm describing him. Are you his manager? Like really sexy, blue eyes, kind of wide set, kind of really cool. And you got to check out his new show, Weenie Roasting Awards.

No, weenie racing international. His cool swoopy hair. Swoopy hair is back. I feel... WRI? Swoop like the Bieber cut? Yeah, the Bieber... But it's the forward one. Like, it all comes forward. What? And then goes out. They do the... All the TikTok kids where they go like... This shit...

And they just like snap their fingers and like just put their elbows out. I feel like K-pop stars kind of rock that look too. So it might be. It might be. It's the all forward hair and like it goes out. I feel like I could pull that. That's cool. Those guys are so sexy. Jimmy Neutron, baby. I feel like Ders and I could both really pull that look off. Oh, yeah. The forward.

Shut up, bitch. Right about now. I mean, I got a haircut. This is like straight out of the pool. I haven't showered in four days. The fact that we're not sexy TikTok stars, we're fucking blowing it.

Blowing it. I'm kind of faux hawking. Yeah, you look good. Is this cool? Yeah, you guys look fucking hot as hell. Ders kind of has a devil lock. He's kind of going misfits. That's cool. You got to lick your lips too, like you're ready to fucking devour something. Yeah, a lot of lick-lipping, man. Lip-licking. A lot of lip-licking. Hardcore rapper, but he's glossy. A lot of lick-lipping. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't know what you're saying.

Okay, five years. You want to know what I'm going pro at? Fingerboarding. Where is this going? Fingerboarding? It's fingerboarding, baby. Tech Dex. Get me sponsored. I bet I could get paid five years from now. Do they still have tournaments? You could get paid by Tech Dex right now, Blake. Yeah. You just...

The fact that you just mentioned tech decks. Right. You're getting so many tech. They're sending you a check. That's what I mean. We're all pro. I just made $5 and got 10 tech decks sent to my house off just mentioning it. By the way, the fact that you think you could get there, you show no respect for these people who are so good at flipping little skateboards with their fingers. No, it's actually really hard. Tech decking is super hard. It's hard. It's really hard. That's what I'm saying.

By the way, the level of respect Durst thinks that we need to give to tech pros as a pickleballer, I love what Durst is saying. I've been there. Dude, five years? As someone who...

Like I devoted my young life to swimming and got to a certain level. That's a sport. It doesn't need to be a sport. That requires so much more. I love what Durs is doing. I'm talking about something. I'm talking about something. I dedicated myself. I got to a certain level after however many fucking hours, like whatever kind of specific physical things that gave me any kind of advantage or whatever.

There were still people that were so much more elite than me. And I took 15 or whatever, 20 years. But you could go pro in beer chugging or – But this is – now you're talking about – so my kid just got the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh, he loves that book. It was really cool. It was like longest hair, longest fingernails, fattest twins. Yeah.

Fat as cock. Now it's like... Biggest, fattest cock. Most gaping butthole. Not in there. Not in there. Weirdly. Longest... Now it's like longest underwater juggling fucking whatevers. And you're like, that's not a thing. Yeah. It's too specific. And so what you're talking about is, yeah, I could be the world's best... Beer chugger. Balance on one legger. Key drop to other hander.

I'm a man. I could do this for years. You have to be able to go pro. There has to be like you get to a certain point and you get paid for it. Hey, Mercedes, get at me. Tech deck. Presenting the new electric Mercedes Andersholm key drop. Well, say no more. He's the best key dropper in the world that we've ever seen. From one hand to the other hander. You want me to do it? Okay, I'm here. I'll do it.

What if I picked up archery? Do you think if the first time I picked up a bow and arrow... Gina Davis. You know Gina Davis was in the Olympics for archery? Yeah, totally. Really? God, what a babe. And I got a bow and arrow over pandemic. You got a boner over what? Yeah.

Cut to commercial. And you were. Gross, gross. Cut to commercial. Not a boner. Kyle, you were like a natural. So I'm like, if this dude worked on it every day for the next five years, maybe Kyle, like he was born to be an archer. Right. I think I could, for skeet shooting, I think I could go pro skeet shooting. Go pro being a shooter. In five years. I'm a very good, naturally I'm a very good shot. I just don't go enough. I think if I did it every day, I could be very good. That's good.

that's cool that's a good one professional level professional level not the best okay so here's i guess here's the thing what do you think you couldn't do if you have five years in every day oh yeah i keep hearing these things i'm like i could do this i could do that anything athletic anything athletic like i don't think like i'm too old at this point like my body won't get to the level like i won't be a professional basketball player or

whatever. But like shuffleboard, you could do darts. You could do foosball. You could do pool. No, I suck. I'm not naturally good at darts. So no, I don't think I would be. Okay. What about pool? I'm not that good at pool. Yeah. So no, but foosball, I have a base.

that I know that I'm starting off already far enough ahead that I think in five years, if I really dedicated myself, I could. Right. Didn't some homies do this with curling where they were like, we want to go to the Olympics. What sport do we think we have the best chance in? And they started doing curling and they actually made it.

made it to the Olympics? Made it. Or went to trials or whatever? I think that was bobsledding. I think it was Jamaica. Yeah, it was pool runnings and it was... Jamaican bobsled team. No, you're right because curling is probably a pretty like... That's the most easy access, I would say. And the fact that... Especially if you're from a country like...

Canada. Well, no, that's very hard. Oh, yeah. Mexico. I don't know. Jamaica. You know, Jamaica or something. You're a stupid dumbass. If you're from like Republic of Congo or fucking where they're like, no one's doing it. You're like, I'm going to go. Jamaican team, you know? I don't know. Somewhere where it's easy. Like the coldest country.

In North America. Unreal. How long do you have to live in a country before you can compete for them in the Olympics? You just have to be a citizen, I believe. You have to be a citizen, yeah. How long does it take to be a citizen? Depends on the country, right? For you or for me? For me. For my long-haired ass. For me? Yeah. I don't know.

Because I'm like, could you game the system where you're like pick sports in countries that aren't represented and like be in the Olympics 10 times throughout your life? Yes. That's not what it's about. Yeah, but this is what people do. This is what... So I know a handful... I swam with a guy in Wisconsin whose parents are from Poland. So he swam for Poland. Even though he was born here, he's got global citizenship. So he was like... And he's very, very, very fast. I think he finaled at the Olympics. But like...

He probably wasn't going to make the team if he went to the United States trials. So he like,

forfeited that and then went to the Polish trials and was their fastest guy and went to the Olympics. I noticed a lot of basketball players do that too. A lot of people do that. They're in the NBA. They're good, but they're not going to make the NBA dream team. The USA team. But has anybody, who has been on the maximum amount of country teams for the Olympics? Has anybody done three countries representing or four? I'm sure. Yeah.

I need to know who's got the Guinness World Record for that. Yeah, that sounds like it belongs in the new book. There we go. And by the way, loved the Guinness Book of World Records. Dude, I was trying so hard as a kid to get the pogo stick record. That's what I wanted to get. We know. Your brother told us. Have we talked about this on the pod already? No, I don't know if I remember this. At Adam's wedding, we were talking about something. Your brother was the all-star, by the way. I'll give him the crown. He gave me the

Fucking baby neutral. Did you not hear about it? Kyle, you heard about this, right? I don't know. Your brother comes up and he goes, we were talking about something. He goes, I mean, shit, my brother, I always looked up to him. He had the world record for pogo. He said, I had it? And I go, what? Yeah, he said, you had it. And I go, what? When? And he goes, when we were kids.

And I go, how old? And he was like, he was like 12 and I was like nine or eight or whatever. And, and I go, Kyle had the world record for pogo sticking at 12. He goes, wow.

I go, no, he didn't. And he goes, yeah, no, he like, he like slept leaning up against the wall. The whole thing was that you just couldn't get off the stick. And I go, Adam knew a check baby. Your brother lied to you when you were super young and impressionable and you've got this your whole life. And he goes, no, it's impossible. I go, think about it.

He slept leaning up against a wall on a pogo stick and his face fell off. Oh, what a sweet man. And he was like, I got to text him. That was from the tequila, right? Yeah. I think, I don't know, something. But he's a storyteller, man. There's been plenty of... No, he's a story believer. You're a liar. There's plenty... No, but he also does a lot of like filling in blanks to make it awesome.

in his mind. Big Fish is. He Big Fish-es you. Yeah, it's Big Fish. Big Fish is like what, that was like our family movie. Like when that movie came out, we all looked at each other and we're like, that movie fucking rocks. Worst movie. Because it's all about Tall Tale. I love Big Fish too. I saw it twice in the theater, dude. That movie rocks.

So bad. Yeah, that movie kicked butt, dude. That's one of my favorite movies of all time. I didn't recall liking it. It's a bad movie. It's a fantastic movie. No, it rules. And also, it didn't come out when we were kids. We were adults. Utterly forgettable. Absolutely memorable and just touching. There was a big fish, I believe. Yeah.

There was a big fish at the end. There was a truth to it, and there was truth to all the characters as well, but the fabric in between all of that was made up, you know, embellished, if you will. However you need to explain it. So we think he made this story up about you being this pogo pro. I think he knows that I wanted it.

when I was eight years old and we were in Korea. Or do we think that you might have told him this story when you were really young and he put that little kernel back here and was like... No, we're only two years apart. That's not happening. Then he's an idiot and found out how dumb he was. No, he just plays. He just plays in reality. He's just playful. No, dude, his heart broke when I was like, think about this. No, it didn't. He was drunk. He was acting, bro. Trust. I guarantee this. No.

He played you in that moment. I guarantee this. So Durr's was the one that got pulled. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's the fucking biggest reveal. Oh, shit. Durr's just got big fish. You got Nuan checked, bro. And that's why you don't like the movie, motherfucker. He'll take it all. You just got Nuan checked.

It's the newest punk. You might get near a check. In this universe you guys are creating? I love it. My family always says now, don't ruin a good story with the truth. That's what their shit is. What? That's bad, dude. Are they QAnon? I know. I know it's not a great place to live, but that is something that is a... It's going around the fam. Your family says this? It happens. Huh?

Your family says this? Yeah. Who? At what point? Like when? My ma says that. When is she saying this? When was that? Were you like laying in bed and she was reading you stories and she was like, you know, speaking of stories. It's a family motto. Whenever you're telling a good story and you kind of embellish a little bit,

And then somebody calls the other person out. Then you're like, hey, man, let me tell my fucking story. That's basically what it is. You know what I mean? Like, there's no reason for you to cut in front. This is a ride. Hey, and Kyle, I agree with that. I love that about your family. I think that's fun. I'm creating a ride for the people who are listening right now. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, but when I hear your story, I go, that's a lie. Like, when I hear Adam tell a story, and I'm like, I was there. It wasn't that crazy. But guess what?

Guess what story you just told. And then like, you know, it keeps going. Yeah, it's not as fun though. It's cool. Yeah, it does keep going. Like how when you're sitting watching Big Fish and you're like, is this over? And no, just it keeps going. Shut up, Big Fish.

Bitch! That's weird. Why don't you like that movie? That's a trip and a half. I gotta watch it again. I thought it was stupid. I thought it was bad. I get all of those adjectives, but what's up? I thought it was like... I didn't like the tone. What happened to you? What is it? No, what is it? I didn't like the tone at all. The tone of magic, like fairy tale? The like, hi, I'm a guy going from town to town. Oh, you're tall. Oh, you're tall.

I remember a tall guy. It's a Tim Burton movie. It's Ewan McGregor. Ewan McGregor, Albert Finney, Billy Crudup. Finney kills it. Jessica Lange. Crudup kills it. So do you not fuck with Tim? I mean, that's a good impression. I fuck with Tim Burton hard, bro. That is one of the worst Tim Burton movies for sure. It's a departure. But what? You like Big Eyes better than that? I'm sorry? You like Big Eyes better than that one?

What's that? I don't even know what big eyes is. What the fuck is big eyes? It's another Burton departure, man. Oh, so you're lumping big fish with big eyes. Oh, we're talking departures. No, I'm just saying it's a departure from his regular tone. I don't think it was that big of a departure. It seems like it. No, he's goth and dark. Normally, he's very much more macabre than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a macabre storyteller. I get what he's saying. Macabre?

Yeah. Abramacabra. Macabra. Macabra. When somebody does something bad, just calling it a departure is kind of a cool way to put it. It's fully excused. That's not what I'm saying, though. That's not what I'm saying. No, I know. I know. You're saying Tim Barton has a very specific tone and look. But it is cool to say departure as like a... Tom Martin. Tom Martin. Yes. Tom Martin. Who said Tim Martin? Blake. Blake.

The fact that I'm 100% always the one to say words wrong, the fact that Blake just said it, so pumped, dude. Tim Burton. Look, I love Tim Burton, and I was so pumped to go into that movie. And then when it took its departure to bad movie land, I was like, no, thank you. You're out of your mind, bro. Now arriving, bad movie.

Now arriving, bad movie land. So you felt betrayed by The Departure. Yes. That's what you felt. You felt betrayed because it's not a bad movie. Edward Scissorhands is in my top 10 probably. Yeah, that's great. I love that movie. That movie rules. Oh, it's fantastic. So you felt betrayed. You like a certain flavor? Pee-wee's Big Adventure, both of his Batmans. Yeah. I like a certain flavor. Yeah, don't change the flavor. Don't change your Burton flavor. You want that to stick. You want that black licorice marshmallow cucumber. That is...

Sugar watermelon. Marshmallow. Baby. Cotton candy marshmallow. Yeah. I mean, I would argue that like Beetlejuice is amazing. Beetlejuice is one of the greatest movies ever. What an awesome concept. Fact. Nightmare Before Christmas. Nightmare Before Christmas. I don't fuck with Nightmare Before Christmas. Batman 1 and 2.

Yes. Nightmare does not resonate with me in... I think we've talked about this. It's kind of boring. Yeah. We did in Christmas a little bit. People love it. And to me, I'm like, it's fine. And then you were like, it's the dude from the thing. And nobody cares. Danny Elfman. Genius. Yeah. Genius. No, that's cool that it's Danny Elfman. They fought for that. Yeah. He fought for that. Yeah.

Huge, huge win. Genius stuff. He did. He did. Elfman fought hard for that. If you guys want to listen to a short podcast, it's called Song Exploder. Look up Song Exploder with The Nightmare Before Christmas with Danny Elfman. It's a nice look.

He's talking to you guys listening because we're not going to do it. Yeah, because we're not going to do it. If you're a Nightmare Before Christmas fan. Oh, Song Exploder's cool. It's solid. It's like 15-minute episodes, and if you like the artist, it tells you how they made the song. Oh, my God.

I already know how they did it. Goodbye. Any takebacks, giveaways, flowers? Dead ringers? Do we have a dead ringer? Got any dead ringers? I feel like there is stuff I want to take back. Oh, you know what? I got one. From the ref hair today? That's what I'm looking like. I

I'm going to take back the fact that I said I would be a good pro finger boarder in five years. You're right. That is way harder than I thought. I don't think I would be very good. I don't think I have the patience for it. It's like a video game kid. The best people are like 14 to 18. Yeah, I don't have that stamina. I'd like to give my flowers to Durs for not believing in himself at all to get at a pro level in anything in the world.

I think that has some stick-to-itiveness. And most people, I would say 99% of people, would just kind of go with the flow and pick a thing that they think maybe they could get good enough. Not theirs. And that's our level bottom. Flowers to you, my man. I'm not saying I couldn't get good at something or even better than most people. But to be a professional...

You're pretending like there are people out there that are amazing at something. Yes, yes, yes. They would be your fellow pros. So don't try. Never try. Yeah, anything in the world. I think we went over that. I can definitely... Dropping keys on them.

You're going to be the dude with the quarters on your elbow. Well, that I can do. I can do that already. That is so much fun. But now let's get into that. Because the guy who has the world record of that stacks like $2 and change in pennies on his arm. Oh, so you stack quarters on your elbow and then you catch them. You stack whatever. And then you do this move. And A, genetically, you got to have some paws to catch that much change. I'm very good at this.

Yeah, well, you have wide elbows. I do. You got to be able to stack all those coins without them falling over. You got to have the stamina to keep your arm like this, the flexibility. Oh, God, so hard. I'm very good at this. Guys, we have to wrap this podcast up. The fire alarm is going off in my home. Kyle, you got any dead ringers? Somebody cooking. Keanu Reeves, baby, right here. Another one. Pick another one. Matrix Reloaded, dog. Hit me up. You see me in the streets. What's up, Keanu? There's another dead ringer, though, right? What? Oh.

I don't know. By the way, as far as our track record, I don't like saying celebrities' names and dead ringer in the same sentence. Yeah, they will be next to die. Yeah, it's true. So you just murdered Keanu Reeves, basically. No, we keep naming people that die. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Also, RIP to Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet's relationship, and that's on us. Oh, shit. Sipping tea. We

We were like family man now. Right when we were talking about them juicing. Yeah. How he juiced her up. Yeah. And this was another episode of This is Important. That shit's important.