Shownotes Transcript
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Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?
Hello and welcome to Watch Where Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelkirch, and joining me today is the one and only Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? What's going on? Hi. Hi. Hi. Last recap of Southern Charm of the Season, everybody.
Yes, this is it. Someone actually just asked, they said, oh, we were really hoping that you'd recap Southern Charm in our city. But guess what? Southern Charm, this is it. There is no more Southern Charm recap. It's going to be dead by next week. Sorry.
Alright, but to that end, we are going to Boston, Detroit, and to Chicago next week. So on Thursday, we will recap Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. On Friday, we're going to recap classic Vanderpump Rules. It's not about the pasta.
over in Detroit. Go look that up. That's season six. I think it's episode seven. And then on Saturday, we are going to recap Summer House, which is having a blazing hot season. So good. So get your tickets at watchforcrappins.com. We are also going to Texas. We're going to Austin and we're going to Dallas in May. Those will be phenomenal shows. We always have a big crowd.
great fun rowdy time there. So please don't miss out on that. And then we will be in Las Vegas, uh, mid May for our very first ever Vegas show. So I know that's going to be one to remember. So watch your crap is.com for all that. Patreon.com slash watch your crap. And it's to get access to our bonus episodes where we are currently recapping the white Lotus and,
So check that out. The finale is this Sunday. And we also have Crap is on Demand, where you can watch us, not just listen. So you can see our smiling faces, and we're waving at you right now. Ronnie's smiling and drinking from his hydro jug. So that's all of that news. And today we have, as mentioned, here it is, part two, the final part of the Southern Charm reunion. So here we go, where we left off Vanita and JT,
were fighting and he was acting-- - Big moment. - Big moment. He was acting like he hadn't been, hadn't ghosted her and being ridiculous. And she's like, "You want me to get my phone? I will get my phone." - "I will get my phone." And she storms out of the wrong door on the set and she's like, "I'm gonna leave looking cute."
And she goes to her room and she's like, "Give me my phone." So she gets her phone and she comes back. And I was really excited because I'm so confused over this timeline still of Vanita and JT dating and what she's got on her phone and what these receipts prove. And last week I said, "Okay, I'm gonna hold space for Vanita basically being completely, like this whole thing making sense." And I still don't know what that means.
I still don't really get it. I mean, I guess I get the timeline. I just thought these receipts were going to be more than they were. They were really built up to be huge receipts and they weren't. Yeah. So she's like, you said I ghosted you and your feelings were hurt. Well, October 29th. So she's reading and she says, it would be helpful for us to link up and talk. And Lava's like, wait, so this is after the trailer drops? And JT's like, yeah, well, because we were seeing each other every day and I reached out.
to be caring to you. I want to text my care to you in text form. I sent an emoji and that emoji, it was of a bear, which rhymes with care because I was saying I'm bearing for you, but I was really meaning I'm caring for you because you have to rhyme. Which is a cartoon, isn't it?
Care Bear. That's a cartoon our children could watch together one day. And I just wanted to be caring to you. You understand what I'm saying? So she's like, um, well, on that text on the 29th, I said, I need to take some time right now. A boom.
Boom so that was me telling you I was taking time which means I'm not gonna be talking to you and he's like but then I called you multiple times Didn't I text you didn't I call you did I text call your face time Jeevan? All right. What's up? Joe? What's up Joe? I tried every way I could and she's yeah that weekend when I was on a break from you and he goes Yeah, so what does that leave me in the dark?
In the dark, reaching out every day. Where'd she go? It's a grab.
of boobs in there. I'm in the dark grabbing things. I didn't know if it was you, I didn't know if it was her." She's like, "We were on a break, okay?" If she says, "I don't want to-- I need some time to myself," and then you are hounding her over the weekend, like, that's how you make people not call you back. If someone says, "I need to be away from you for a moment," and then you call them, you've now added, like, a penalty day. Every time you call someone or text someone when they said they want some space, you add, like, a penalty day of-- of--
silence and i don't think he seems to realize that that's like yeah that's not ghosting you yeah that's not ghosting you sir sir now no one asked the question why does she say in an interview on ryan bailey's podcast when this trailer dropped and all this stuff happened that he was the one who ghosted her
'Cause that's what she said. So that's why I'm still confused because none of the real questions are being asked here. I need to be asked about the timeline that she has set forth in social media since all of this happened. I'm very confused. Now, am I confused that JT is a douchebag? No, I am not. JT is still 100% a douchebag because he's like, "What?
What? You said you needed a break and then you turned into Casper. Where'd she go? Where'd she go, Marat? By the way, another cartoon our children could watch together. Could watch someday. Let's bring back the real Ghostbusters. Wonderful cartoon. So then he's like, I'm in the dark. I'm reaching out every day that weekend. And she's like, well, you said, just want you to know my mind is on yours. And I didn't text back because I was at a wedding, my best friend's wedding. I was...
forcing someone to sing karaoke when they weren't comfortable and then it turns out that everyone liked her when she did that and I was really upset about it. And I didn't have my phone and you know, he said, got it, I'll let you be. And he's like, yeah, and I said, I'll let you be. A week of not caring.
So who doesn't have their phone at their best friend's wedding? How else do you take pictures and like make Instagram stories? Yeah, you're an influencer. I mean, if your friend invited you, she wants you to tell your followers how cute she looked in her wedding dress. What kind of best friend is this? Maybe it was like a fancy wedding where everyone had to like valet their phone. So then I'm like, "I'll be taking your phones. This is a wellness event, Pam."
- "I need my mom at the wedding." - "Pam." - "Stop it, Pam." "Well, you should hold that there. Look out for the suicide millions." So then, Vanita's like, "And then?" So I guess, so he said, like, "Fine, I'll let you be." And then-- - He goes, "A week! A week of not caring! A week!" - We're like, "Oh, come on." - Yeah, so she, a week, he didn't hear from her for a week. Which, by the way, if she says, "I need some space,"
A week is like nothing. That's like someone saying they need space. A ghosting is when you reach out to them. They don't even say that I need space. They just, they go away. That's the ghost. If someone says, I'm going to go away now, that's not someone disappearing into thin air. What's the opposite of ghosting? That's like corpsing. You're literally like a bot. You're like, you have corpse me. You know where they are. They're just not talking to you. So then, so then she says that like,
He said, like, he reached out, whatever it's like, "I just want you to know your mind is on mine." And then the very next day, he posts on Instagram a picture of him with the girlfriend. So, it was kind of like a fuck you moment from him. Well, and by the way, this was because the girl-- So, he was dating Vanita, and then she got messages from the girl he used to date saying, "Fuck you," to her, telling her off.
And then, so she took a week off and then he was like, "Okay, you wanna take a week? Then I'm choosing that girl and I'm putting it on Instagram." So super mature. And how can that little beaver keep two women on the string like that? How? How does he have that many? That's the power of television. I'm telling you, the power of being cast on television that it has for these men is insane. - That's true.
So JT, he keeps on saying, my text messages were me showing care for you, which it sounds like he's like messing up some sort of like therapy talk. Because a lot of times when I go to therapy, you know, I talk about like, and then this happened and this happens. Like, well, that was actually a gesture of care. And so like in the context of therapy, it's like, okay, if you say that's a gesture of care, it makes sense. I don't think you're ridiculous. But if I'm talking to you and I say, I just texted you, which showed that was me showing care for you.
I'm not going to, I don't want to hear that. That's not a gesture of care. It just means that you were fragile and you wanted someone to say, you're not in trouble. Yeah. Like, why would you post that? And Levis says, I mean, is it that Vanita hurt your feelings? And then, so you got revenge on her by like posting this other girl. He's like, no, no, not at all. Okay. But after a week for trying for someone I care about so much,
I said, I can't sit here in limbo. I've got two balls in the air. What kind of juggler would I be if I didn't catch at least one of them? Am I right, guys? Am I right? And Sally goes, after a week, a week, that's seven days. So this moment of conversion brought to you by Sally. I was proud of Sally for getting that one. I was proud. I was proud. It's the first time anyone on Southern Charm probably has ever been able to make that connection. So Vanita's like, okay, look.
If you had just said verbatim, "Listen, I know you're taking time, but I've got stuff on my heart and we need to talk immediately because there's an expiration date on this other Instagram ho." But you did not. You did not give me that.
Well, he did text you and say he care. I mean, why is that? I don't think that she should even give him this out, is what I'm saying. Like, no, there's no way that he could be with you. Then you get yelled at by his ex-girlfriend, and then you take a week off from him, and then he suddenly announces that he's with that girlfriend. I don't think there's any way that he could... There's anything that he could have said that would have made that okay, and stop giving him that out. I don't like it. Also, can we take a moment? You know who we have not given shit to?
the girlfriend, who the fuck are you calling up Vanita and yelling at her? Like, your issue should be with Jarrett, not with Vanita. And, um, like, and you should also, you also won. You won in this situation. You wound up with him. So why are you hounding her, you know? I'm sorry, I think that's... Because I think what's happening is, well, she says, the girlfriend, this is, I don't know her, obviously, but from what I read on, you know, or from what I hear from the bitchiest housewife of all time, Sashore Medea!
She said that she went to dinner with Bunny and Vanita. So, Vanita knew that they were girlfriend and boyfriend. And then she continued to pursue JT during the season, which we kind of saw, even though JT was making it sound like that was no big deal with this girl and he still hadn't decided all of this stuff.
So, I think the way that JT is presenting it to this other girl is like, "I told her I had a girlfriend, but then on camera she kept flirting with me and trying to make things happen, and I wasn't doing anything, and it's just, you know, I don't know what's going on, but she's probably trying to make me look single on the show, and na-na-na-na-na." And so, he's probably making Vanita sound crazy to where this girl's like, "You stop fucking with my boyfriend." Like, I don't even know that this girlfriend knew that he was actually technically dating Vanita.
I thought the girlfriend was probably like, "We need a break. I need a break from you. This is too much." And so on his break, he's like, "Fine, you're not calling me back all day, Vanita."
None of these people are interesting enough to have this kind of Rashomon situation happening with their relationship. Yeah. True. But I think the road leads back to JT both times, and he is the douchebag in this situation. And you're right. I think that both of them should be mad at him and not each other. That's right. So, Leva...
And she goes, "They're just both super hurt." And Andy's like, "Well, where do you go from here? Hopefully out the door. I'm bored with this." And JT's like, "Well, I would like to get that friendship back." "Well, do you want to be friends, Vanita?" And this is where I was like, after all of this, all of these previews of Vanita being like, "I'm getting the receipts. Here's my receipts. You're a liar." I thought she'd be like, "No, fuck this little fucking guy." But no, she doesn't. She pauses and then goes, "Yeah.
Yeah. And do you want to date him still? Long, long pause. Yeah. Yeah. And Madison's like, oh, my God, that's very honest. You know, sadly honest, disgustingly honest. Gross. Honestly, disgusting. Honestly, this is horrible.
I was like, "You made us wait all this time just to be like, 'Yeah, I want to date him still.'" "I can't. I know, I can't. I'm trying so hard, Medina. You know, I like you. Deep down, I really do like you. I just-- your choices." So she's like, "But I'm not going to allow myself to work on friendship with her in the picture because I know that she doesn't like me."
So that's a weird stance to take, like break up with your girlfriend or you can't be friends with me. But if you break up with your girlfriend, I'm gonna date you. It's like, what? So JT is like, well, step one is being here today and seeing you in person and lots of tiny little fragments of my face in your dress. Man, we just need to take it one day at a time. Too soon, I just came out with my alcoholism storyline, bro. Sorry, Craig.
I was just referencing the television show one day at a time, which coincidentally our children could also watch together one day. It was very wholesome. This is it. This is it. This is life. The one you've got. Let's go have a ball without drinking though. I don't drink anymore. So Andy's like, I didn't say eight ball. I didn't say eight ball. Okay.
One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Well, despite JT being on the F-Boy hot seat this season, he was proselytizing on truth. Now, Austin and Madison, did you coordinate your polka dots as JT alleged? That was hilarious. Well, let's roll the polka dot footage, guys. Let's roll. Whoa, we're both wearing polka dots, Madison. That's a strain right now.
I called her and I was like, you want to get back together? Let's wear polka dots. And JT's like, well, I will own that and I will walk it back to Poppy. And Andy's like, all right, a conspiracy theory that Austin cheated on Audrey Lava. And she's like, well, for clarification, I did not say cheated. He said he had been dating Audrey a year and that was a timeline. And I apologize to Austin because that's not what I meant.
Yeah, I said he's been seeing a lot of girls, Andy. It's totally different than dating. Am I right? So I'm off the hook on this one, guys. Thanks.
So Austin's like, "Okay, okay, well look, I had met Audrey six months prior to being in an official relationship with Audrey. So I knew Audrey, but I wasn't like official with Audrey, so." Okay, so you were seeing a lot of other people during that time. So why are you villainizing Leva? She wasn't lying. Also, Audrey, run, run, Audrey, run girl, come on.
Are you in love with her? I am! I am. She's just like a darling. So, and he's like, what every man says when he's in love with a woman. She's such a darling. What a darling right now. What a darling. This darling is insane right now. Love my darling. You sound like such a dad. Oh.
Come over here, girl. Get me some more drinks towards the golf cart. I'm over here. The blue golf cart. Come over here. You're a darling. You're a darling. She's a goddamn darling.
So Andy is like, all right, conspiracy theory number three, the only one we actually care about, that JT called Miss Patricia a bitch. Now that does not exist on camera. And Miss P said on Instagram that she no longer thinks he called her the B word. So who here thinks he really called her the B word? I know he did. I know he did. So whatever. Whatever you guys want to think. Craig's doing his full arms on the back of the couch now.
you know, thing that he does when he gets like super temper tantruming. He's like, I know what you did, whatever, whatever you want to think.
He's like holding the couch with one arm so that way he's like, "Hold me back, bro." So then Madison, Sally, and Austin raised their hands and JT's like, "Craig, you really hurt my feelings, bro. I mean, no audio found. You look like the handsome boy that cried wolf." And Craig's like, "Thank you, I am handsome, but I don't care. I don't have a dog in this fight."
You started the fight, Craig. You are the dog in this fight. You're the dog. You are the wolf. Oh, you cried wolf. You cried handsome, handsome wolf. You cried devastatingly dimple in the chin, handsome. God damn, you're a prince.
-Woof! -Gregg does look very handsome in this reunion. I am gonna say. He always looks handsome. That's how he gets away with everything. He's adorable, he has a great little smile, and he gets away with whatever the fuck he wants to, and he will continue to for the rest of his life. 'Cause he's one of those people that even when he's all old and scraggling, he's gonna have sparkly little eyes and dimples and that smile, and he's just gonna get away with everything, you know? Yeah, he really has aged well. So, um... But take the J-- Hey, JT, take the bitch stuff out.
the stuff you said was way worse there's nothing to take out craig is on inside something the first place no i'm saying take that out of it the stuff about madison the stuff about austin the way you called leva fucking whore i didn't even say where'd that come from
I don't know, why'd you talk so much shit about Andy Cohen? It was so mean. I can't believe you'd say that to the host of this reunion. What? Now you're just making stuff up on the fly. The way that you told America you were going to start putting 20% tariffs on everything so they were all going to go broke was cold. Wait a minute!
That ain't me. Prove it. Prove it. But see, the thing he's saying, he's like, okay, but take the bitch part out of it. The rest of this stuff was even worse, but they've already addressed that other stuff. He's already admitted to that other stuff and that stuff is over. So no, it's not worse. This is the thing you lied about. And this is the worst thing because it's like the producer of the show, Whitney. And it's his mom. Like, yeah, that could get him kicked off the show. It's time for a commercial.
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We know when it comes to finding balance, the more choices, the better. Okay, Shep, I have a question. Did Craig misrepresent what JT said at your golf outing? He's like...
Gosh, I'd say about 90% of it was spot on. And Craig's like, okay, so 90%. You're a bellish. No, no, 90% is a good thing. That was nice of what you said about it. Yeah, 90%. That's like still an A. That's great. Sorry. I thought you were coming at me. I'm so scared of you.
You're like one of my favorite Shakespeare characters, Hobanian. Sometimes you tell a tall tale.
And so JT's like, "Wait, are you serious right now? You're gonna say I called her a bitch? I mean, what's the 90%, Craig?" And Shep's like, "I mean, come on, JT. You played this moral outreach game on us. Like, we can't tolerate this behavior from a friend." And Craig's like, "Yeah, you know, you said we were enabling Austin to cheat on his girlfriend by staying friends with him. I mean, come on."
Yeah, but Craig also... But Craig kind of uses the same argument later in the episode, right? Yeah, Craig-- I mean, Craig's a fucking liar and a hypocrite. If I'm friends with Austin, I'm enabling my behavior. So JT's like, "Shit, I'm a jerk."
JT ruined himself in that first episode. He just ruined himself. I mean, he did this to himself, not the Patricia bitch thing, but he did all of the rest of this to himself. In one episode, he fucked up his entire life on this show. What a dumbass. Yeah, he really came in thinking that he had, like, momentum behind him and he was gonna do a thing and he messed up. So he's like, "Shap, you're gonna allow them just to roll you like this?" And he's like, "Gosh, I don't care. All right."
- All right, all right, I don't care, I don't care. So Craig, let's talk about your relationship with the truth. On Watch What Happens Live, you said you would never lie on camera. - Yeah, and I spy on every single word of it. - But there's a montage of you lying. He's like, "Yeah, okay, roll the tape. I'll show you, I'll walk you through it. I'll walk you through it and show you what not a liar I am." - It's like I hold Queen Elizabeth on her deathbed. I've never told a lie.
Yeah, I was sitting here on my hairy worm and I was like, we're going to the place where I get to finally clear my name of being a liar. And that's how I became the most successful pillow salesman in all of Arrakis. So then Andy's like, well, we made this really hilarious montage of you lying for Watch What Happens Live. We're like, why waste it? Let's show it again. Come on. Let's take a look.
And it is just a montage of Craig lying his ass off. I mean, constantly lying the whole like, "Well, okay, well, I didn't pass the bar exam because I didn't get my diploma." Isn't that what he said? Like, "I didn't finish just because I didn't get my diploma or something." And then he goes to his parents and he's sitting with Whitney and Shep and he's like, "Yeah, well, I mean, come on, guys, I passed the fucking bar." And they're like, "Uh, did you?"
Yeah. So, I mean, just over and over. I think I never said that I passed the bar. And then it's like him saying, I passed the bar. He's like, I totally graduated. Well, I never graduated. So Andy's like, well, you lied about graduating. He's like, well, I still like...
Define graduating, 'cause like I walked, I was just like one credit short. Like, so you didn't graduate. And Shep's like, "It's okay though. You're an Adderall person. You're an addict. How do you need to say-- Look, that person was a mofo. It's okay to be fallible."
Listen, I made you use Adderall as a crutch, so now you have to use that you used Adderall as a crutch as a crutch! Don't you understand? Now you'll have two crutches, and you can walk! Do I need to show you how to do this? It's year 10!
Just as Shakespeare wrote in his seminal play, The Sisters Rose and Swag, sometimes a wall clouds your judgments, and that's okay. Well, I would never say anything on camera that could impeach me at the end of the day. You get nothing for nothing, and that's the life of the poor. It's like, Craig, you fucking moron. They just showed a whole thing of you impeaching yourself, sir. Yeah, yeah.
Speaking of, how is he not a politician yet? That's his next move, right? Craig's going to be like mayor of something or a politician or a congressman or some bullshit. You know that's coming.
Tariffs on pillows. So Andy's like, well, Austin, what is Austin's relation? What is Craig's relationship to the truth? He's like, well, it's insane. I won't ever call Craig a liar because I'm scared of him, but you are an embellisher. We have things that we're going to talk about soon, so we'll get to that. Let's throw out a commercial. Hey, that's my job. But we sound the same right now. Yeah, we do kind of sound the same right now.
So Patricia arrives and Rod sees her. He's like, whoa, the queen has landed. Wow, the queen is here. Wow, everybody. She's like, they don't realize I know all their secrets. She knows the biggest secret of all, which is where is Ryan? And why do we not get any? Why do we not get to press this cast about what the heck happened?
with that whole barbershop situation. It doesn't even come up on this reunion. - That's true. That's true. How could you not even have Ryan for a little cameo for that? That's nuts. - Well, that's probably why he probably chose not to come 'cause he didn't wanna get involved in that mess. He's like, "I'm not gonna talk about that. I already spoke my truth and I don't have to be embarrassed on national TV about it anymore." - Yeah. - But I feel like it's a big deal.
Yeah. So Vanita takes a drink over to JT's room. She's like, "I brought this as a truce." "Oh, Vanita, the respect. Drink. Have the bartender make a glass of self-respect, please, 'cause I can't." Well, to be fair, it has sugar in it, and he's like, "This could kill me." So...
Yes, have some self-respect, but at the same time, like, well done. I didn't realize it was Sugar. I thought he was saying, you tried to kill me, joking that she was trying to poison him. But that's funny. She's like, here's this micro-spar as a truce. That's how I took it, because he was like, my alarm might go off or something like that. So he's like... Okay, then respect is back. A solid murder. A solid murder attempt. Okay, I'm back in.
the producer's like are you guys flirting again well i'm just trying to be good how is your mother it's like oh god snooze i love that rod uh rod has nothing to say through this whole reunion except like little offhand comments like kind of off camera when they're not filming he just walks up to jt he's like so are you ready for miss pat to apologize because she's right over there have fun yeah he spends a lot of time going um
To be fair, all Rodrigo has done this season has been leave a poker chip in his bag and then later on leave his cufflinks back in Charleston. So he's dealing with a lot of forgetful moments and that weighs on a person. So Miss Bad, it's your first reunion. She's like, "First and last. By the way, whoever did this set is genius. I mean, just like my house, fake antiques, a painting in my house, an aging Peter Pan."
It's probably going to inherit most of the money I made. Wait a minute. You forgot the radiator. You're leaving me in your will? Hey, you forgot the radiator that we tie Randy up to overnight.
Don't you have the dog crate that Randy sleeps in that's usually right by that antique chair over there? We used to call it Chauncey's Home RIP. So Andy is like, "Well, it's Whitney's home now. Hard to believe this show graced our screens over 10 years ago. Wow, such a change from the baby face lawsuits. Let's take a look back."
So we see young Shep and young Craig and others. It's like the sizzle reel, right? This isn't even from the show. This is just the sizzle reel of the show. And Whitney especially looks, I mean, they really do all look different. And I have to say, 10 years has been rough on most of these guys. Good Lord, do you guys just ever put on sunscreen? Now, I don't look like I did 10 years ago either, but I don't look that different. I mean, good Lord.
Whitney had that haircut that I used to hate. It was like that middle part thing with the long bangs. He looked like someone had a broom over his head that he parted the way so he could see through it.
10 years old and these clips. And so did Craig. Yeah. And I do commercial real estate, but I don't really do shit. Yeah. And Craig is like, yeah, you know, I always say that my wife isn't born yet. That's a joke. When Craig was struggling so hard to be just like the other guys, he's like, yeah, I'm, I'm a super rich and I love dating young chicks.
And then like Patricia's like, she's like lying akimbo. Isn't that the term? Lying akimbo on like a Ottoman with like some little nibbles nearby. And she's like, I'm used to being filmed in my boudoir. These gentlemen are good luck and accomplished, rich, not even married little scamps.
So then Shep talks about wanting a family, but there's a window. The window should open soon, but it'll probably close in about 10 to 12 years. And they're like, oh, the cast is like, it's so awkward. It's been 12 years.
So, um, now we're back and Andy's like, Craig, you said your wife hasn't been born yet. Is that true? He's like, she's in middle school now. Ha ha ha ha ha. Or maybe Madison said that. Yeah. Pat's like, well, Andy asked Patricia, uh,
how she looks so great. It's like, well, you know, speaking of people who haven't been born yet, I just go have Randy go to the hospital and take stem cells from fetuses that are on hold. And that that's always really helped.
So, you never know. Craig could end up having a wife that I've already used to use in my gorgeous face. I could have some of Craig's wife right in my forehead. You know, I came to Charleston to retire and eat bonbons and Whitney wanted me to do five minutes and then it was like five minutes more and five minutes more and next thing you know, I'm on this show full time.
Yeah, I can't believe this show even lasted. I think it would be like most of Whitney's career choices, you know, and be a flash in the pan. But here we are. I said, who'd be interested in this cast of reprobates and their misdeeds? Wow, you're using words that only half the cast even understands. Hey, Sally, how many minutes is an hour? 57. See?
So I subtracted commercials, Andy. I'm a brain surgeon.
So, then we go to... That's it. They're like, "Okay, bye! Bye, Miss Pat!" Jesus, that was a plane ride. That's all? So then we go to... We didn't even ask if she forgives JT. Like, we didn't even get that question. That was like the biggest thing of the season, right? Did they ask her? I know, they did. They should have had like a moment. But I think that's... I kind of get the sense that she's like, "I'll come on the show, but I don't want to get embroiled in any of the back and forth or anything like that."
I was impressed JT didn't try and give her a cane, just like as a joke. Like thinking, "I'm gonna make this hilarious. I'm gonna offer her the cane again to see if it's okay." He would have done something awful like, "I'm gonna give you the cane and then I'm gonna get down on all four so you can hit me on the B-Honk because I've been a bad little boy." Like he would have done something awful. He'd be like, "Here's a cane, Miss Patricia. Oh, well, how sweet of you. Another kind..." Well, this one has bitch inscribed on it, so... Well, at least he's up in his game.
So Andy's like, all right, well, Craig, you said Whitney was playing a joke. Did you think you'd be on the show for 10 years? He's like, well, three years was the goal. And he thought that. Yeah, Paige said the same thing. I must mean it. I must mean it.
So Patricia's like, yeah, and Patricia's talking about how she loved, like how she would invite Madison to the early parties. And she's like, two of the guys tried to hook up with her. And it was, of course, Craig and Shep. Yeah. They failed. Well, hey, why'd you say on Watch What Happens Paige was mean to Craig? And she's like, well, I took a lot of criticism for that from people called the Jiggly Squad. And I said, why are all these chunky women coming after me?
But you know, they're mad at me because I'm not a career oriented woman, which is just not true. I've always worked. But my point was it was dismissive and boarded on rude how she said it. Okay, so is that better? Okay, she's not mean, she's dismissive and rude. So there you go, jiggly ladies. Okay, you can stop Instagramming me now.
What was so funny to me about this reunion was that they cut several times to that Watch What Happens Live episode where Patricia said that Paige was mean and Austin said that there was... They kept cutting that episode. And that was the episode where we were bartenders. I know, they cut to the most handsome part of the whole thing. They cut to it ten times. I'm like, how did you not
Cut to the two guys in the back going like this. "Hi!" Going like this. Or maybe you were doing-- You were going with the fingers. You were going like this. But, like, I just thought it was so funny that, like, every time they cut to it, like, just to know that, like, we were technically, like, three feet just to the side off of the frame. It's so funny. Like, we're just sitting there smiling. We were just sitting there permanently smiling 'cause we didn't know when the camera would be on us again. So we're like...
That was also the episode that Patricia said when he said, "Are you mad JT called you a bitch?" And she goes, "Well, to be honest, I am a bitch, so it didn't really bother me that much." Yeah.
So now we, this season, bye Pat, for real now, bye. So this season we were introduced to two new Southern Bells, Sally, Molly. Unfortunately, we couldn't find someone named Dolly or Mally or Sully.
or bollywood molly you said charleston men or peter pan jerks you suck at life she's like yeah i mean do you guys watch the show it's like that times 100 so like what do you want from me and then he asked her about like um her body image and all that stuff and she's saying you know it's just like hard to accept a new body and people online are just like really mean and that's just like really effective
Well, just a piece of advice. People on the Internet are mean whether you're thin, fat, young or old. It's the Internet, not you, because you're fucking gorgeous, ma'am. Yeah. So then Andy asked about the cupcake moment and she says that Whitney apologized. But I don't know. I kind of wanted more comeuppance for that. And Craig is like, I was like, dude, WTF?
Brian Moylan quoted you quote. Here's a Brian Moylan quote. I'm going to read from his recaps over at Vulture. Wow. Tubas. What a goddess icon. Mother. Holy. What do you think of that?
Yeah, well, music is beautiful and it changes you and like it can bring together like it can bring together a far right MAGA and also a gay liberal vulture reporter. And that's what's so important about a tuba.
Is she a far-right MAGA? No, she isn't. I just was making that up. I wasn't saying she was. I was just saying that, like, I imagine there's somewhere in the world there was someone, a far-right MAGA, who liked it as well. I was going to say, on this character, probably not far off, I would guess. I just made a joke without a setup. It's okay. No, it's the...
I was just like, "Damn, Molly? Of all the people, I didn't expect Molly." So Molly's like, "Yeah, music is beautiful and it changes you and it has no calories. So that's great." And Andy's like, "Well, I was impressed how the group was so into it. Remember when Shep stood up and lifted up his shirt and said, 'Look at my titties. Hey, play your tuba for titties.'" And you did. So he lifted his shirt up and circled his moves around the theater. That was fun.
Well, as Shakespeare once wrote in the seminal musical The Heidi Chronicles, "Tuba is there because tuba doth aphilia hear and feel, and therefore may the baritone sounds of my instrument fill your bones with love and joy, and may your pretty little freckled tuba always find joy in all the things you ever do."
So, do you think that someone playing the instrument is sexy, Shep? Are you gonna maybe think that's sexy? And he's like, yeah, oh my gosh, anybody playing any kind of instrument, banjo, I don't know, tap on a table, I'll fuck ya. Great, great stuff, Andy. Put two spoons together, put two spoons together and bang them on your knees and we're gonna have a good time tonight.
I don't even care if you have any teeth, whip out a harmonica, I'm in. Just take a rubber band and put it between two fingers and pull it. Wow, that counts. All right, well, next up we've got, go play the national anthem on your armpits. I don't care. Leon Locken's like, nailed it. Get over here, lover boy.
So, uh, I had something completely unbelievable that the internet does not believe at all. And frankly, I don't really either Sally saying she's a spine surgeon. Oh, motherfucking hell. Okay. Sally, what do you have to say about that? She's like, well, you know, people think I'm just there if the robot malfunctions, but I'm the only person touching the robot. Okay. Everybody. So now the surgeon may be doing the surgery.
but you know i'm the one with the robot that places screws in your spine and taylor it's like rolling her eyes taylor's like taylor our resident robots like you never touch me she's like um as someone from the robot community sally's like yeah i'm just the only one touch of the robot which
You know, until you've blown a robot into the parking lot of the Great American Steakhouse, you really can't comment on my career. I mean, at first it was the shock of my life, but you get used to it.
So, Andy's like, "Well, hey, you've gone through a lot of men. How'd you end up getting with Shep?" I was like, "Damn, Andy." And... Sally says that he slid into her DMs. And is Sally the only person to ever kick Shep out of bed? And she's like, "I did, I did. You know what? 'Cause I was ashamed of myself. 'Cause I'm not someone who has a one-night stand." Okay, could we tell the blow job in the parking lot story?
Please. Come on, Sally.
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So he's like, all right, Taylor, we got comments that you were bothered by the hookup. And she goes, well, she can do what she wants. But she was saying that Shep was obsessed. No, he was just blowing up my phone. It's like, yeah, that's the same as saying he's obsessed. Whatever. And I'm still not with, by the way, and I'm still not with Andrew. Okay. Taylor said he's weird and he is weird. So I will have her back on. That's the one thing I will have her back on.
Yeah, she keeps trying to kind of be nice to Taylor. Taylor, what do you fucking care? You didn't prove her wrong that Shep was blowing up her phone. Why is that so unbelievable? She's young and she's blonde and she's thin. Shep blows up all of their phones, but Taylor is still so stuck on fucking Shep it's sad. It's sad, Taylor. Stop it. You are better than this.
So then it's Taylor's turn. Taylor stepped out of a nightmare last season when she was dating George Washington teeth over here. But then she stepped into a fairy tale. So are you still together with Gaston? A year and a half almost. Oh, cool. Wow, there's so much chatter about him. I would love to give you the floor to clear things up.
And we go, "Frank, that's the biggest deal ever." Taylor just going, "Um..." And then cutting to commercial made me laugh so hard. Fucking Taylor. He's an incredible human being and he treats me well and I'm gonna hold him close. "Okay, well, Shep, you called Gaston 'mid.' What did you think about that? And does it hurt more, Taylor, when someone mid calls someone else mid?"
I think about, I think talking about someone's looks is very middle school and very mean girl. And Shep's like, "I agree! I'm a little boy, I've learned my lesson!" Well, some might consider it midi-critical. Hippi-midical! -Midical? -Midical? West One-midical! That's the kind of medicine I do, Andy.
So he was like, "I agree, that wasn't cool. And Shep, you said that her family wanted her to be with you.
And is that really true? And he goes, well, that wasn't really fair to say, you know, it's just that I knew that her mom and dad and everybody in her family would just want her to be with me, you know, because I'm rich ish. So not rich enough to buy a house for gold digging people in the Bahamas, but certainly rich enough for her. I mean, my cabin's on a bigger hill. That's all I meant, Andy.
You know, I was at her brother's funeral. Sorry, I gotta go there. But her sweet, sweet granddad was like, are you and Taylor ever gonna get back together? And I was like, oh my gosh! And Taylor's like, I don't think he would ever say that. At this point, I just, I care about her and I'll never stop doing that. And if I could give her a great white tooth shark necklace every day, I would. Yeah.
You know, Shep, saying that is kind of low, I guess. But saying information that you got from her brother's funeral is lower. You didn't have to include that context. He could have just said,
I spoke to one of her family members and they said that. I don't know. So Taylor's like, well, what's frustrating is hearing you say you care a whole hell of a lot. Like, why didn't you care when you had your tongue down some other girl's throat while your finger was in her wet pussy while you were coming in her face? It's like, Taylor, Taylor. She always loses at the reunion. She always goes a little too hard. You're like, whoa, Taylor.
Yeah, she kept it pretty calm in this one. Of course, she didn't have Olivia on the other couch calling her the C word every other sentence either, so I guess she didn't have that to fight. So Andy's like, all right, well, one person who's had a lot to say about Gaston is Sally. Sally, why do you keep talking about it? And she's like, well, I stopped completely. I mean, she's the one who's continued to
go around town, you know, talking about me. And she's like, well, you're in a new friend group and you're talking about me and you're going around town. I'm going around town. That's crazy. She's like, yeah, you're talking about my boyfriend, but you're still running your mouth about me today, yesterday, the day before. I mean, it's like 23-6. You know what I'm talking about? Nonstop. You got nothing better going on in your life.
Yeah, but Taylor, if you date a man that half the town has dated and he's been a shithead to all of those people, they're going to talk about him. Sorry, you know, don't date a villain if you don't want your boyfriend to be villainized. She's experienced him and she has the right. She bought the product. She's not an unverified Amazon review. She has bought the product and she has the right to leave her one star. Sorry, date a better product.
Lev is like, "I think, by the way, guys, the whole point is that you came into her friend group," which wasn't even her friend group. She just sort of was, like, grandfathered in, sort of, by Shep. And understandably, that is, like, your experience. And you talked about a guy she hadn't even introduced to the group yet, even though we all knew who he was, because Gaston's really been with, like, everyone in Charleston. So it's understandable from both ends, you guys. I'm so glad Lev is here to lecture everybody about more shit she had nothing to do with. Like, what the fuck?
Leave her alone. Leave me alone, lady. So Taylor is like, "You don't have to scream it to the mountaintops. It's to our friend group." And Anne is like, "Well, Sally, do you want to have a relationship with Taylor Anne?" "Ha! I'm gonna keep on saying Taylor Anne." And Sally's like, "No, not while she's dating Gaston." So basically, Taylor thinks that she's gonna get married to Gaston and she thinks it's gonna happen within a year.
and they're gonna have a terrible relationship happily never after and by the way we have no evidence that Gaston has even said that to her she's just like she's put on the spot like do you think you're gonna get married she's like I think well when do you think well I think maybe this year like you're you're dating another chef ma'am yeah yeah sorry
Alright, well this season, Charleston's resident Martha Stewart, aka Craig, I just have to clarify that because I see a lot of blank faces here on the studio, attempted to live out his suburban dreams with a brand new pool and a side hustle as a beekeeper. But at the end of the season, Craig was stung when his queen
abruptly left the hive and he was left with no honey, but a lot of allergies and also some wax. - And there was a long montage to show us Craig and Paige, just so we don't have to go through it all. Just imagine this for 10 minutes. You're stupid, shut up. Okay. - Ew. - And montage. So, all right, well, Craig, I know we have to discuss the breakup, but first I wanna know how's the sewing business going?
It's really good. I'm about to launch a new concept that was really difficult and took us three years of like workshopping, but circular pillows. That's right. No more stopping and turning 90 degrees on the sewing machine. We're just going in a full circle. It's really hard, but we're happy for it. Yeah. No one's ever done it before, but you know, I'm happy to be the first man on the moon, Andy, which is also round. So, Randy.
We are sewing individual moons into pillows going forward. We're gonna be using a zigzag stitch. It's very exciting. Well, you got more, you got some flack this season for being concerned about your image more than your friends. So what do you think about that? And Chef's like, "But I mean, there has to be a balance, right? Why look at me? I have only friends and no business. That's called balance, Craig."
You know? You know, if Craig had been a bit more communicative looking back, maybe he could have sent a long text talking about the freckles on my lips and then making a bum mo at the end like, thank you for listening to my TED talk. Well, then, you know, that would have helped a lot, but you did have your talk with Austin on the beach, and that was very nice.
So Andy's like, Austin, did his relationship with Paige, oh, sorry. Austin, did his relationship with Paige cause him to pull back from his friendship with you? Here's your chance to do what you always do on this show, gentlemen, and blame the woman. And so Austin's like, well, you know, to get in a relationship like Craig was in, I mean, there's no shame to make that person your number one. But, you know, I mean, when did things go wrong? I can't even tell you, Andy. It's insane. It's insane.
It just shows he didn't even lean on any of his friends. Shep was like, well, you know, third-party friendships are really important to us. Third-party friendships? What the fuck is he, like a Facebook consent form I have to fill out? Is this a reject all cookies situation? Third-party friendships are very difficult when Apple is tracking your every single move. But I think, do not track!
Do not track! Taylor's like, I'm sorry, but you already hit that checkbox. I think his anger was dug in so deep with her that maybe it wasn't a healthy thing in the end for him. Well, my only way to get to where I wanted to get on my journey was to really isolate myself. And I really liked having someone at home to go to, even though it was more of like
a drawing that I made of her and put on my couch, so she didn't come to Charleston anymore. Yeah, like, I'm going through a really hard time, so to stay at home and then not have my prop that I've worked so hard to get to my house there really hurt Andy. -Really, really hurt. -Andy goes,
"Well, looking from the outside, it seemed like you were setting up a life for the two of you that only one of you was interested in. Let's roll the clip." And so you think it's gonna be another montage of Paige being like, "Disgusting." But it's literally just her at the bee farm being like, "Ew. Bees." It's actually literally like Craig saying, like,
"Wow, like, we're getting honey." And she's like, "Or you could just go to the store and get, like, a normal person." -Yeah. -It's like a honey clip. Yeah, but that was the-- that was the whole scene where it was just so clear, where he's like, "Look, look at this goat. Like, we're gonna have goats." She's like, "No, gross." "Okay, but, like, goats are like children. We can't wait to have children, right, Paige?" And she's like, "Disgusting." He's like, "Oh, my God, I'm so glad we're on the same page." "Even your name is Paige."
So Andy's like, do you think there were signs you missed in the relationship? And this is a rhetorical question because all of America says, yes, there were big, huge billboards. It's like, well, the funny thing is that like I was working on myself to stop reacting to signs, which is why I had so many traffic accidents the past year. It was really rough. He's such a fucking weirdo. What does that mean? I'm working on myself to stop reacting to signs. What does that mean? That's like the dumbest thing you could possibly do.
And he says that she stopped visiting in Charleston because she was quote unquote too busy. No, not quote unquote. Not quote unquote. She's too fucking busy to be flying every weekend to see you because you won't leave your goddamn store, sir. Okay. 60 show tour. Yeah. So he's like, and she didn't come to my Nashville store. That's weird. She should have gone. I mean, that is kind of weird because she was too busy. Quote unquote. It's not weird.
it's not weird it's not weird if you don't like the person if you don't like the person it's not weird well then break up with them i mean if you're not even going to go to your boyfriend's store that they opened that is weird yeah but i think that again obviously yes you you should like if you're in a healthy relationship like it's it's of course we're not in a relationship you'd come to my store you know yeah but it's just so funny he's like i was totally blindsided
This is just like tangible, like this is just like bricks of evidence to just put on your lap. I can't believe it. Yeah. Quote unquote too busy is kind of the problem with you, Craig, you know? And he's like, yeah, it was so confusing being in a relationship sometimes. Yeah, because you kept telling her the things that she is and she kept telling you that she's not those things, Craig. It's confusing because you were trying to implant what you wanted onto somebody instead of listening to what they wanted. Yeah.
- You see? - But what's also funny is how, like, he is-- he basically is shaming Paige for being too busy with her career. The whole thing is like, "You have to prioritize our relationship. You're too busy. You're not spending time." And yet this is the exact same thing. What Paige is doing to Craig is the exact same thing that Craig does to his friends.
where he's like, "I've got to focus on my career. I've got to focus on my job." So maybe he's doing that because that is how his processing was happening to him. But it's, you know...
you know classic craig hypocrisy so then he goes into this again which i still don't believe yeah she was like i'd like you to get me a ring i think it's time i just i don't ever hear those words coming out of her mouth i just don't hear it i don't believe it so he says he had a four carat elongated cushion cut made with half carat diamonds around the band and then after she got he got the ring she was like no you need to wait until i announce the business what business
I don't know. Do you know what you're talking about? But looking back, it didn't feel right, you know? And so he's gonna take it back because I don't really give jewelry like my friend over there. And Shep's like, "It was a Megalodon tooth! The other one was a gray white course! How many times do I have to explain it?"
All right, Andy, recently on Watch What Happens Live, you alluded to rumors that Paige moved on with another guy that were substantiated. So Austin's saying, you know, this is the clip to Austin on the show saying like, yeah, no, those are, no, no, the rumors are like real. She moved on. So now he's like saying, well, I shouldn't have said that because like, I don't know the girls day to day, but it looked like repetitive dates. And like, that's why I thought it doesn't seem like a rumor, you know? You know, at one point,
Three different outlets, three different gossip writers corroborated a story. Now, did they get... Were they just quoting each other and sourcing each other? Perhaps. But if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it might just be Ken Burns' seminal documentary, The Vietnam War. Quack!
Do you mean like those ducks in that sweet cartoon with Scrooge McDuck? Because our children could watch that one day. All right, shut up JT, your segment's over. Paige responded to the accusation. She said, "The narrative took a turn really quickly that I cheated. Let me say this here and now, I did not cheat on my ex-boyfriend. We were broken up for a full month.
and I didn't say anything because he asked me not to say anything." And Craig goes, "That's not true." Yes, it fucking is. You even said yourself that she broke up with you right after Thanksgiving and you didn't believe it and didn't want to talk about it. So you really did not, you really did not say you want to go public with it. Then why did she have to text you and tell you that she was going to go public with it a month later, Craig, if you had never-
bullshit so and he's like do you think that she cheated on you i'm not even like i'm not like i can't i'm not going to even think about talk about anything like that and so shep is like well what do you think andy you saw the little reports the sweet little freckled reports and andy's like well that's an hr issue ha
okay we don't have hr here but craig said craig is acting like well i'm not even going to talk i would never say anything like that i'm just not going to talk about it hinting that yes she might have cheated but meanwhile he just said that she broke up with him right after thanksgiving and she wasn't rumored to date this guy for a month later so you you
You can't have it both ways. You're admitting that she's telling the truth, yet hinting that she's fucking lying, Craig. This is why Craig's a piece of shit, you know? And he keeps looking down like, "I just can't believe it." Yeah, you can. She broke up with you a month prior. Oh, my God.
Yeah. So, um, well, Kyle and Amanda recently defended page. You unfollowed Kyle and Amanda. Well, they said there is something wrong with how I'm handling being broken up with. And like she broke up with me and I protected her to the end of the earth. But that ended the day that you cut me out of your life.
Yeah, and he's like, yeah, they said that it's my fault for not going on every little Reddit thread and defending her. Those weren't little Reddit threads. Those were huge news stories, as your friends just pointed out to you, sir. For you not to even come out and say, no, this is bullshit, she didn't cheat, is shitty of you, if you want to stay friends with her. So then...
douche from BagsRMyLife, 'cause I live in Charleston, says on Twitter, "Women everywhere are gonna be pursuing Craig so hard after seeing how he cheated or how he treated Paige." I mean, telling a woman that she shouldn't have a career once she has a family, I mean, it's just so sexy, Craig. What do you think? Have you talked to Paige? And he's like, "No, she cut me out of my life. She cut me out of her life." - Yeah.
And Madison is apparently, he's, I'm not dating because I'm sad. And Madison's been sending him like girls and Craig is like, the dating thing, I feel like I kind of want to be fully healed unless a super hot girl comes along who used to date like Dak Prescott. But other than that,
Yeah. "I can't date." Craig, who's so ready for marriage that all he wants to do is find someone that he can immediately settle down with and have babies, is dating someone who's a young, in her 20s, influencer who only dates sports figures. Yep. That's really bringing your whole storyline truth to light here, Craig.
Yeah, and he's like, well, you know, like maybe you seem like maybe it's like a little relieved about not having to cover for anything. Well, I'm really sad, but there's a lightness to it because I did a lot of living by myself. And in my head, I was like.
One day we'll do this together. One day we'll get a whole bunch of bee stings getting a little bit of honey that we probably will never use together. And I was in love, not with reality. I was in love with the potential of what we could be. And I think I was blinded by making it want to work. Oh, well. That's the most honest thing he said. I was not in love with reality. I was in love with the potential of what could be. Yep. Okay. There. I won't call bullshit on that because that's the most honest you've been.
And you're the sucker for that. Sucker! So then at the break, Rod, of course, messy ass Rod, this is the only time he speaks. He's like, so Shep, when are you going to start screaming and yelling? Your turn's coming up soon. All right, I'll go back, sit over here and say nothing. I haven't had a chance to, but I'm healed. I had Ayugarshka and now I'm calm.
So Andy's like, all right, Craig and Paige may have dominated recent headlines, but the real love story has always been Craig and Shep and Austin. But this season has been a rocky road. Last season, Shep was struggling and the two of you were keeping him at arm's length.
And Austin's like, yeah, Craig has always been able to draw the line in the sand. And I haven't been able to do that. With Shep especially, he calls me and I'm like, this motherfucker. And I'm like, oh, don't answer. And then I answer. And I'm like, this is insane right now. I can't believe I answered. And Craig's like, why do you do that to yourself? And you're mad at him. I'm like, I know, Craig. It's insane. I can't help myself. I'm addicted to helping.
So we basically talk about how they got together and they started making it work again, and that Greg thinks it's so offensive that they accused him of curating his image. And he's like, "So insulting. I can't believe my friends would say that, you know? I was just working on myself. You know, where I come from, if you stop drinking alcohol, it's 'cause you have a problem with alcohol, you know?"
So to be fair, when we got to the Bahamas, Austin finally understood it when I told him I was having a problem with alcohol as I drank a full bottle of alcohol by myself from the bottle.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could have seen some signs, too, with your past. Like, maybe he does have a problem with alcohol, but, like, when I came to your house... And he stopped running. He started running stop signs, Andy. It was insane. He, like, saw no signs. Hey, I was working on that. Well, to be fair, I also didn't see signs. Unfortunately, both of us kept crashing our cars into each other. It was insane. But when I came to your house, I was like,
Surely out of like, Craig, I know you've been busy and I was hoping that you'd be like, look, maybe I've lost touch with some of my personal relationships. Instead, you looked at me and were like, stop spitting at me. And I was like, I can't help it, Craig. You used to understand that about me.
Yeah, and he's like, "You know, I'm just terrified of Craig." So you're scared of him? "Yeah, I'm terrified of him sometimes." And so Andy's like, "So, Craig, do you have a bad temper?" He goes, "I'm working on it. That's why I don't drink anymore on camera." And so Andy's like, "So is anyone else scared of Craig?" And pretty much everybody raises their hands. Everyone raises their hands. Everyone's like,
And we see a clip of him kind of having a fit at the table. They're like, "Why would you be mad?" And they show a clip of the table where he's kind of questioning people or whatever. But why didn't they show the clip of him walking into that room being like, "Oh, fuck this. I'm not poor. I'm not sleeping here. This is ridiculous. I don't have to share a room."
Yeah. Well, I thought the clip, I think, and then they also showed a clip of him when they went on their Denver or their Colorado ski trip and he was drunk at the airport. And Cameron's like, Craig, Craig, Gregory, why are you yelling? And Chelsea, are you drunk? But they should have, they should have shown him yelling about that being like having a diva fit.
um because that was from this season but yeah he's like out of control and then his response is you guys don't have to rub it in like i like you don't if everyone's terrified of you you don't get to be the victim to be like stop being mean to be stop being mean about how i'm like a monster to you guys that's not nice or fair
Right. So next up they show a clip of where Paige was saying, "Oh my God, you've got this guy Austin. What grown man complains that his friend wants to stay home and stop drinking? What kind of man does that?" And someone on Twitter called him a mean guy for that. And they're like, "Oh my God, yeah, that was really mean of Paige. How do you guys want it?"
Like, if she didn't ever stand up for me, you'd be like, "Paige never sticks up for him. Paige was so mean to him, but now Paige is sticking up for him." You know? Craig does say, like, "She was just sticking up for me." But everyone else is like, "Oh, fuck Paige."
Paige also hates Austin. Let's not forget how Austin massively screwed over Ciara, one of Paige's closest friends, and how Austin would come to the summer house and be a total asshole. And remember when he closed the door on Paige? - Yeah, oh my God. People do forget. - Like, "You don't get to close the door on me, okay? You don't get to do that. I will fucking kick your ass." So, like, she has never liked Austin, and so she's more than happy to find an opportunity to mock him, as she should.
So those guys haven't been supportive of their relationship either, Shep and Austin. They-- Every-- How many times has there been, like, murmurings about, like, "She doesn't come on the vacations!" Yeah, so next up is the podcast. Craig trying to buy the podcast for 30 grand. And Craig's like, "You know, I just, like, I get frustrated with Austin 'cause, like, I know his goals. And if he got like me and stopped drinking on camera, like, he could get there, you know? All he really needs is a good friend to, like,
do all of his business for him. Use his name to become a success. Like, you know, I really believe in him.
Well, do you think he has a, do you think he has, his drinking is holding him back? It's like, well, he doesn't have a drinking problem. It's like, oh, when you said I was shocked, shocked right now. Well, what about, or you said he was also Xanied out. Just to be clear, I don't have a Xanax problem. I do have a saliva problem. Craig will say these things that make me look like I'm the problem. It's me. And it's not the truth at all. And I posted something about getting mimosas on Sunday and Craig was like,
"Oh wow, somebody's in their party era. It's disgusting, it's insane right now." Yeah, well, I was disappointed 'cause you were drinking. Oh, shut the fuck up, Craig. Give me a break. On Sunday, having a mimosa brunch, come on. And he's, you know, so they do the whole like, "Here man, 'cause I don't, I was, you don't, sorry." Craig, you're like, "I don't wanna go out anymore." You know, like, "I get margs with rods at Santee's and we're home by eight o'clock and you're like judging me for it," you know?
Madison said to me the other day that like, and it hit me like a ton of bricks when she said this. She said, bottom line, Craig does not respect you. And Matt's like, I did say that. Yeah. Yeah. It was hilarious. Watching the blood just like drain out of his face in that moment as he realized the entire friendship was built off of nothing. That was just wonderful. He's like, well, I mean, I guess I respect him, but like seeing him drink makes me mad. Yeah.
So then Rodrigo gets asked a question, you know, does Austin complain about getting judged by Craig? And he's like, I mean, he's like, it's just like weird for him to be judgmental because like he's not hurting anybody. Like, what's he doing? He's just drinking. Like, what the hell?
And Lev is like, "He feels like you think you're better than him, and you treat him like you're better than him, and you're more successful than him." "Yeah, it's like you're in an ivory tower sometimes, like superiority!" Craig's like, "See, this is the stuff that makes me not want to hang out with him. Isn't it funny how Austin looks so small from where I'm sitting?" When you're really successful, the smaller Austin looks right now. "See, you're talking like you're in a tower again!" "Well, yeah, it's just like you're saying like I live in soap."
That's not cool. Like, I just remodeled my house, you know? And if you think I'm better than you, you guys just shouldn't be my friend then. You just shouldn't be my friend. That's such an obnoxious response. He's like, I'm really working on my anger. Oh, really? You don't agree with me? We can't be friends then. Idiots. Poor people.
Craig, who's like, guys, you don't have to rub it in that I'm a monster. And then Austin is like, you're condescending to me. He's like, well, maybe you deserve it. Then he rubs it in to Austin. I can't control the way you perceive my actions. Yeah, and Vanita's like, dude, he's trying to tell you how he feels. You're being rude. He's like, uh-uh, then don't be my friend then.
it's so obnoxious it's awesome like craig i've been battling with this and that's what i've been trying to tell you i don't know i don't know if i should be your friend like why continue on if i get backhanded for stepping out of line it's a crazy concept i don't know if with anyone else you're an ivory tower bro
Well, you admitted something really personal to Austin, and we love pretending that we care about alcohol addiction problems on this show before we offer our guests full bars and drink every night after the show. Okay, so let's talk about alcoholism. Craig, I think I have a problem with alcohol. Wow, that was so brave, Craig. So brave.
He's like, "Yeah, it's weird to talk about." And Leva's like, "Well, yeah, but, like, you know what? If you were open, this entire friend group would scoop you up and have your back, you know? Like, I just think, like, you have addictive personality where it's all Paige or, like, it's all work or, like, it's all whatever, you know? Like..."
God put or the universe put these guys in your life to have balance, you know, you need some balance, not new balance, which you cannot wear after 8 p.m. in any of my clubs, but balance Craig. And he's like, shut up. Craig's just looking at her like, shut the fuck up. We don't even like each other, Lava. You know, there's no world, no way. There's no scenario in the life where
the universe puts shep and austin into anyone's life so that way they can have more balance that's just it's just not the way the universe or anything has ever worked like those two are they are the glitches in the matrix so austin's like you know for him to open up to me like leva you can sit here and say why didn't you just say it but it's like it's hard for us to be completely open and vulnerable like and when craig opened up to me and made me made me emotional and like there's
There's a genuine care for Craig. Like fucking love you, bro. Oh God. So Andy's like, well, you, you changed your relationship with alcohol, but Austin's still terrified of you. What do you think of that, Craig? And he's like, I mean, I'm saying like, it sucks. You guys think that about me, you know, I'm going to work on it with new friends, you know?
And they're like, "Well, maybe you need to just be-- more communication." That's the buzzword today. -You just need more communication. - Yeah. No, it's not communication. You just saw what happens when Craig tries to communicate, or people try to communicate with Craig. So everybody's like, "Oh, my God, you guys should be so fun. You're like the heart of this show, guys." And Craig goes, "Well, maybe I'll have a celebratory beer with you." And Madison's like, "Uh-uh, we're drinking N.A. now. -Come on, man." - Hey... I just love...
Craig really milking, like, "I have a problem with alcohol. I'm an alcoholic. I can't-- Like, I couldn't be friends with you 'cause I'm an alcoholic." And he's like, "Maybe I'll have a beer with you tonight." - Like, wait. - Yeah. I know, like, you know, there's different approaches and, like, different types of sobriety or whatever, but, like, he really is milking the sobriety thing, but then very quickly, it's like, "Oh, I'm gonna have a beer."
beer and no one bats an eye because they all know like with Craig, you just don't know what you're-- Well, he could have meant non-alcoholic. But the problem with Craig and his whole sobriety thing for me and the reason I rag on it and don't with other people is-- well, I do some people.
But the reason I rag on it with Craig is because he literally used the word alcoholic and it's just bullshit. I just don't believe that he's quit alcohol. And he said multiple times he had a problem with hard liquor, so he'll only drink beer. And he's drinking less than he used. He's not going out and getting wasted, but he's still drinking socially or whatever. Okay, that's okay if you want to do that. But to be like, I'm an alcoholic and use that as like your kind of sympathy storyline when you're still drinking alcohol, like,
No, that's not how you quit drinking. It's just a mind fuck. And Craig just gets away with these little like, "I'm gonna let people believe by drinking non-alcoholic beers that I'm not drinking at all." And then if he's ever called on drinking or being seen drinking, he's like, "Oh, well, that's because it's just like I'm drinking less." Okay, so which is it? You know, it's just a Craig answer and it's just frustrating to listen to Craig.
lie over and over. It's frustrating. Yeah. It makes me crazy. So Craig is, so Andy is like, well, so do you think next year you'll have a girlfriend, Craig? He's like, I don't think you can plan that stuff. Literally, that has been your entire storyline has been planning out like every single beat of your love life and your future marriage and family. So, and then Andy is like, how about next month? Probably next month. Probably next month. Yeah, next month. I don't know. I've got to heal. I,
I've been hurt by Paige. I need to get into protective cocoon. I can't have a girlfriend. Wait, hold on one second. Oh, a really super hot girl just texted me. Yeah, I'm dating someone. Yeah, drop your life. I'm impregnating you. So basically it's like now it's the part of the reunion where everyone's like, oh my God, we can totally repair all of our friendships. And JT cares about people one day at a time, guys. One day at a time. Not seven days. Otherwise I'm finding another girlfriend.
Okay. Yeah. One day. And Vanita is like, well, I can't do much because he's dating somebody. All right. Right. Right now. So it's like, okay, great. We put a bow on that stupid ass controversy. And then Andy is like, well, Shep, I feel like it's a tradition by now. I'd love to give you the floor to have some final thoughts. Would you please take it away? Shep.
Well, auntie, look, look, everybody. We're all on a TV show. Who would have ever guessed it? And you know, being on TV so hard because people are so mean to us on the internet. They call me George Washington teeth and make Shakespeare jokes and stuff and shark necklace jokes. But you know what? At the end of the day, I'm a good little boy and you all know it. And I'm a better person now because I haven't fucked over any woman on TV this year and also got victimized by a
by a gold-digging slut in the Bahamas. So cheers to me, cheers to us, but mostly to me, everybody. If there are any 22-year-olds out there who want an old man who gets mailbox money, give me a call. Cheers! And so ends the season, the 10th season of Southern Charm.
and also our episode. So thanks everyone for being here and for listening. Go to watchcrapits.com to get your tickets to see us live. Only a few shows left, so don't miss out. And we'll catch you on the next one. Bye everyone. Bye.
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