113: Started Really Good and Ended Really Gareth
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And we are back! Showtime. Jake, should we tell people what the look is right now? Can we peel back the curtain a little bit? Tell them what... Why don't you walk people through the...

What are you wearing? No, Gareth. Can I tell that? Jake's wearing a t-shirt and a towel. I told you that before we started. But you just have a real good look. Well, it's called shower. And you're fresh out of the shower. Truly fresh out of the shower. And I will say, I don't mean to accuse you of having a fetish, but you could have put shorts on. There was time. I mean, eight seconds to put shorts on? I signed on. Well, here's the reality.

I got on the Zoom and you said, what is that look? What are you, a greaser? I said a grease monkey, like a mechanic. And I looked at myself in the Zoom and I thought, yeah, it's not great. So by the way, you as a greaser, they'd be like, hey, old man, no. Gross. All right. Listen, I got a little. First of all, wait, Shark, how's the weight? Are you heavy? Are you holding?

I weighed myself yesterday for the first time since the weigh-in. Put on Sev. Wow. You're not a heavy guy, man. You're just fine. I think you got extreme with the 180. Now get to a natural fighting weight.

Yeah, I feel like I'm in the sweet spot now. You are. You're just fine. We don't need him fighting, though, Jay. No. Fighting? Wait. Yeah, everything to him is a silly little fantasy league he's joined. Wait, well, because you're playing a lot more tennis. When was the last time you wrestled with Gus in the fake locker room?

Man, you are gunning with that curly hair today, cutie. I was waiting. Did the perm mess with your brain? Stop it, Grease Bunky. Because you look really cute. Is that what we're going for? Stop. Because I can sit here and just take it, but is that what we're going for at your age? I am mowing. I am knuckleheading harder than you today. And Shark, you've put on weight. Jake, you look funny. Shark, you're fat. Jake, you look bad. I feel pretty good. At a certain point, what are we going here with this look? Are we going for cute? K-E-W-T? Yeah.

We're going for cute rather than funny? Yeah. I would say your brand's funny, but go for cute. As you get older, you get less sharp. So I've got to lean into everything. Hey, in terms of life. No, no, no. Stay down. Eddie's wearing a jujitsu shirt and a towel. I just realized.

This is... Everybody, without further ado, enjoy the show. Wait, wait. No, I got to promote my stand-up dates real quick, so a little ado. Real quick, if you are in Denver, Colorado, I will be at Comedy Works at Greenwood Village this weekend, the 12th through the 14th. Then I'll be in San Diego the 18th, then Bakersfield the 20th, Manchester, Connecticut the 24th, Albany, New York the 25th, Syracuse the 26th. That's all September. Without further ado, Jake Segrist, what can you say?

Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? Good. We're excited to have you on the show. You're going to save the day for us. You're going to give us a call that we're going to get really excited about. So can we start and can we get your name? My name is Allie. Allie. And where are you calling from, Allie? Minneapolis, Minnesota. Minneapolis. And can you tell us something about yourself that might surprise us a little bit?

Ooh, I'm really into rollerblading. That's cool. That'll do it. That'll do it, Allie. Allie, Minnesota, you like rollerblading. What's the problem today? Tell us what you think we need to hear. Tell us what you want to tell us, and then end it with a specific question if you don't mind. Okay.

So, I am going on a weekend trip this upcoming weekend with a guy. And I've never done like a weekend trip away with a guy before. Okay. So, just thinking about, you know, like expectations and everything. But my main question is,

How do I get him to leave the room so that I can poop without him knowing? Oh, that makes sense. Allie, Allie, Allie, as a man who stayed in a lot of hotels, this, this is an eight. This is a beautiful, a beautiful question. Yeah. So Allie, walk us through this a little bit. So this is your first time taking a, a trip with a man. Is this your first big relationship?

yes okay all right do you have any idea what the rooms have you looked online to see what the room setup is yes so the first night we're staying at a hotel okay i feel like that'll be a little trickier it will we got a solution you do yeah oh yeah quick pause wait quick pause out before we go what's the hotel room solution shared room bathroom in the same spot

Well, you want me to solve this one right away? I mean, we could milk it, but I can just tell you the solve right now. Allie, you're looking at it all wrong, sister.

You're thinking, how do I get him out of the room to drop a deuce? No, no, no. You need to leave the room to drop the deuce. OK, they've got a lobby bathroom. There's a bathroom in the gym. You're going to do one of two things. You're going to say at some point you're going to get a little peckish and you're going to say, hey, I'm going to run downstairs. I'm going to grab us some Pringles or something like that. Do you want anything? Make it so very much so that he feels very secure in the fact that you're going alone. You're

You're going to go down there. You're going to run like hell. You're going to run to the shitter. You're going to get the deuce out of you as fast as humanly possible. You're going to hope it's a ghoster. You're going to give it a quick wipe. Then you're going to go to the ghoster. You're hoping it's very little residue. So it's just a quick hit or not one where you keep wiping and going, what the hell is going on back there? This is nuts. Yuck.

I'm sorry. You asked. Then you're going to go to the front. You're going to get a can of Pringles. You're going to get something else. You're going to pay for it. Obviously, this is adding a little bit of time, right? So you're prepared to go back up there with the story that when you were down there purchasing, there was someone in front of you purchasing some stuff and they could not get their credit card to work. Okay. This started really good. It ended really Gareth. So, Allie, what I will say, which I love.

Because you could also just say, like, you're going to take a call or go do something. Sure. I love the idea of early on the lobby, the gym. Make it easy on yourself for the hotel section. What do you think of that as an idea of, I mean, don't shit where you have sex with your boyfriend, as a saying. Right, right.

What do you think of that? I will say it does take me a little while. I get a little bit of stage fright when I'm not at home. All right. I got to pitch on that. I respect. What is it? You're going to go to the gym to work out.

Okay. Okay. And you're going to put on your workout clothes and you're going to go down there and you're probably not going to work out. Your workout is, but you will come back sweaty because you will come back having pulled the muscle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to go down there and do that. But the timing, what she's so, but what you're saying is you like to be in your own bathroom. It takes you a minute. Yes. Now let me ask you a question about this, uh, this gentleman of yours. How long have you guys been together? A few months. Few as in three or few as an eight?

Like three. Three. Okay. And how old are you? What age are we talking? I'm 30. 30. And how old is this guy? He's 37. 37. Okay. So I got to say at 37 years old, that's a lot different than a 21 year old guy. He understands the way the body works.

He's not just like you're not. You're not excited to hear him in there and hear the sounds that come creeping out from under the door. You're not fired up about it, but you do get it. Well, go ahead. Well, you do if you want to listen. I think it's you want a couple of these trips before you're introducing the fact that, you know, food also comes out of us.

I would say I disagree. I would say I like to believe we're all made of magic for the first year. And then you realize we're made a waste. The other the other move. OK, the other move. And this is tricky in its own right. OK, the other move is that it's time for you to shower.

You go in there, you run the shower, you drop the deuce. But it takes a while. And also you're going to be dealing with a strange flush sound. You're going to you're acknowledging that something else is happening. There is besides a shower. That's why I pitch the gym. Can I ask a question on the question, Ali? Of course.

Is it the fact that you're taking a dump? Is it the post-dump smell? Or is it the sound that could come out? If you had to get specific, which what is the nightmare of this? Because I get it. You're not on an island with this concern. Yeah, I'd say the sound. Okay. I don't disagree with that at all. The sound or the smell would be it. I agree. But the idea that somebody's going in there, fine.

But you know, you know, they're sitting on the other side just trying not to laugh because they can hear everything. I don't think that's true. I think that's what we all think is happening. I think he's watching, you know, he's watching like Bar Rescue or something like that. How about this, Gareth? How about this, Gareth? Ali goes...

Hey, I got to hit the bathroom. And he goes like, great. And in the background, you hear Taffer going like, I'm scarier than the Super Bowl or whatever that means. You got fruit flies in your liquor bottle. And then there's some guy in a little cute cap being like, I'm a mixologist. But here's what you don't want to have happen. While he's watching it in the background, you hear...

No. So there is a... You know what? And then you come out there and go like this. What crazy thing did Jon Taffer do this time? And he's like, I'm not worried about Taffer anymore. Yeah. I'm shutting you down. Someone's got to rescue this bathroom. Exactly. I'm shutting you down, Allie. Exactly. You're going to kill somebody! You just became the before version, and I need Taffer in here to replace you. Oh, man. So...

What about this? And look, is it cool? No, but will it work? Yes. And that is you bring a sound machine from your phone in the bathroom. Okay. I mean, I'm, I'm just pitching you Allie, cause we need you to win here. So I think Gareth gave you something really interesting. And that is what you could say. And I, I find this, I wouldn't do the lie. I wouldn't do the weird running around sweaty with Pringles and coming back. It's,

it's going to be a Gareth ending. And I don't think you want, I don't love the term Gareth ending. It's going to be great. You're going to come back up with Pringles. So sweaty and be like, so, okay, so here's what happened. There was a tornado. And then it's only as credit card. It's only if he says, I agree. But how about this? What do you think of this as an idea?

I'm going to go to the hotel lobby for a little bit. Do you want anything? And he goes, why? And you go, I'm going to go to the bathroom and I don't want to do it while you're in the room. And he'll go, oh, that's fine. And go, this isn't up for debate. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I've had the privacy of my own hotel. Okay. I've had this version too. And this is a workable version. This is if you want, I,

To me, I would want the one to two trip buffer before we introduce this. But I think you are within your rights. I think you are within your rights to say, so we're spending a couple of days together. I am going to have to go to the bathroom. So at some point I might say to you, go take a walk. So I feel comfortable. I think that. But also.

You know, the same thing is, is you don't want to be around while he's going to the bathroom, right? Yes. Correct. So you could create something fun. And that is the equivalent of putting a sock on the door in college. If you're having sex. I did that when I was pooping, but go ahead. Did you? No. But the idea of it that you could do is you could say, we are going to create a thing here.

And that is, we're not going to call it what it is. We're going to say, I might need to meditate in the room by myself for a while because I'm so spiritual. You mind taking off for a little bit? And the other one will go, I guess I'll use this as an opportunity to go to the gym so you can meditate. You're such an amazing person.

Right. It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be. Get out of here so I can drop heat into the toilet bowl. You could say, I'm going to read about the history of our great nation. I'm going to meditate. I had one. I was the girl who I ended up dating for a while, was at my place and was

We were hanging out and she was like, it had been established she was going to spend the night. And then at like 1130, she's like, all right, well, I should get going. And I'm like, what? He's like, I got to go. And I go, what do you mean? And she goes, I got to, I got to go to court. She goes, I got to go to court in the morning. And I go, what do you mean? And she goes,

I have jury duty and I go how is this not come up I was completely missing it I go how is this not come up and she goes amazing I just have to do jury duty and I was genuinely like hurt and it like 20 minutes into this conversation she goes I have to take a shit

and then and then so you dated you so then what we started doing was if one of us had to take a shit we would go i have to go to court in morning that's so funny so i think that by the way alley i think i think we've fallen onto the wind and that is you you gotta bring it up you get how do you feel about bringing it up to even get to this discussion does that make you feel weird

No, I think it's, I feel like it's fair. After a few months, you can at least say it, but I like the idea of like jury duty or something or calling it something else. Yeah. You know, you, you got it. So you've got to do something. And then what do you think? FaceTime with the president. And what do you think the other person does while that happens?

Do you want the other person to leave the room? Do you want the other person to put headphones on? Right? Because... I feel like leave the room. I like leave the room. You do? Okay. What kind of hotel is it? Is it a little shady for you if he's like, I got to do jury duty at 1 a.m. and you're like, just fucking take a dump, man. No, no, no, no.

Go outside the hotel. Sorry, I had some bad wings. I got to do jury duty again. You're like, it's not safe. I'd rather hear you fart, man. Or it's going to be great if he's like, I'm going to go get some Pringles. Yeah, exactly. Somebody, there was a tornado. But what do you, okay, you know, we've given you some thoughts, Allie. What do you think you're going to do here? You know, I think I'm going to come up with something to talk about it without having to talk about it. And then...

you know, have the other person leave the room just to be respectful and keep some sort of spark of romance alive. Let's do a, let's do a practice with you and me. What's, uh, what's your, what's your guy's name? Uh, we'll call him Dave. Dave. I'm going to be Dave. You be you. And let's see how you pull this off. And I'm going to try to not joke it up. I'm going to just try to keep it very real. That's why I got cut out of this. Just so you know. Okay. That's a fact. I want to hear how she does it.

Room service might arrive towards the end, just so you know. I think that's okay. Okay. Hey, Dave. Yeah. What's happening? Yeah. I was just wondering, you know, I, I feel like I need a little, a little time by myself. You know, maybe meditate, sit with my thoughts a little bit. How do you feel about maybe just, you know, doing a couple of laps outside or just getting some fresh air and I can kind of text you when I'm ready for you to come back. What?

Is everything okay? Yeah, I mean... Have I done anything? I'm literally just sitting here watching Bar Rescue. No, no, no. You want me to turn it down? You're great. I put headphones on. No, we're having a good time. I just... Agreed. I'm having a great time with you. I know. I just... I need a little bit of, you know, personal time just to take care of, like...

I'll be honest, bathroom stuff, but I'd rather not call it that. I want to keep this a nice, fun, romantic weekend. Can I jump in? This is Jake. Yeah, this is Jake and Dave. On behalf of Dave. This is Jake on behalf of Dave. I think you've got to set it up right before you start it. Okay, okay. I think you've got to say...

hey on this upcoming trip rather than talk about the bathroom i don't think you could just say hey man can you scram for a little bit i'm gonna meditate i think he has to know the plan ali i think he's got to be in on it right okay because what that felt to me as dave i was like either she hates me something's happening or i'm gonna come back and it's a surprise birthday party if i come back in the room just smells like shit a little bit i'm gonna be disappointed

Hey, could you do some laps? Yeah, why? Just because, can you? What'd we do? It just smells worse. What did you do? Undo it. Yeah, undo it. Whatever you meditated about was bad. What did you light? Did you get horrible incense? You meditated and it smells like one match and a huge pile of shit. Your sage smells like shit.

So, I think you've got it. See, that's what I went through when I was saying the court in the morning. I was like, it opened this conversation where I was like, is everything okay? By the way, because I think you were right there. Yeah, I was. And you're like, I can't let you leave. Did something happen? And she's like, I have to go to jury duty tomorrow and I have to leave now. And you're like, you're acting insane. She literally goes, I have to take a shit, Garrett. And I was like, ah! Just say that. I was like, what?

Yeah. So, Ali, let's let's start with the bring up now this time, Gareth, your Dave and Ali. Let's see what happens with you. Just bring up the discussion about the trip and the shits to see if we can get to a clean place with that. OK. All right. Whenever you get how much chemistry Goldie Hawn and Steve Martin used to have, House Sitters, a great movie.

Yeah. Hey, Dave, I got to ask you something. Sure. Go ahead, babe. So really excited about our trip this weekend. Yeah. Just wanted to, you know, set a little, a little ground rules that obviously we're both going to need to use the bathroom at some point.

But instead of, you know, like talking about it. I'm shocked Dave didn't just say, I don't take dumps. I truly thought you were going to say something like that. Dave had a great start, but now he's being serious. I've never had gas in my life. Just go grab Pringles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So keep going, Allie. So I was thinking, you know, if we need some time in the bathroom, we could just say we're going to meditate. So you don't really have to like, you know, bring it up, talk about it. Then the other person can just...

You mean go to the bathroom to... Right. Right, right. Okay, so you want us to call that meditation? Can you just do that while I'm in there? Meditate while I'm in there? Honestly...

One, it feels a little soon to do that in front of each other. And two, I don't know. I just, I like to be able to do that knowing no one else is around. I don't know. Do you have some sort of strange thing that comes out of you? I don't know, Allie. This isn't going the way I thought it was going to go. Why don't you and I, why don't you and I do it, Jake? Okay. Do you want to be Allie or Dave? Sure. I'll be Allie. Okay. All right. Ready? Yeah. All right.

Oh, gosh. And by the way, I almost think we do this at the first hotel. Oh, you do? I think maybe. I think maybe we're giving it a little too much. I think you might be right. So we're at the hotel. So quickly, Alan, what's the trip about? Are you going to a wedding? Are you doing something? Or is it just a little vacation? A little vacation, do some hiking. Fun. Okay, so you just came back from a really long hike. Yeah.

All right, you just got back into the room. Really got my insides working. I think I'm going to... I think I might take a shower in a little bit. That was a great hike. That was really beautiful. That was really special. Do you want to maybe shower up and then do dinner? Or what do you want to do? Yeah, that'd be great. There is just one thing. I didn't know how to actually address this, so I hope I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to make anything strange. Everything's fine. I know that, and I'm not even saying right now, but I know that at some point over the weekend, we...

Both are going to have to go to the bathroom for a little longer than a pee. And so I just for my own comfort, just because this is our first time sharing space in this way, I was thinking it would maybe be for me easier to do that if you could maybe just go to the lobby for 10 minutes just so I can have a minute alone. Yes.

What do you mean pass? I'm not going to sit in the lobby like a fucking hobo while you take a shit in the room. You can just go outside and make a phone call. You want me to just sit in the hallway on the floor? Not sit in the hallway. I'm not going to sit in the hallway like I threw you out of the room. All I'll be thinking about while you're doing it the whole time is this is the second she's taking a dump. It's not even about that. It's just about my comfort. And then what happens if I come back too early? Then I have to think about how long you dump? You could text me. We have these things called cell phones, so you'd be able to text me and see if I'm ready. You're bringing it in the toilet?

You're acting like that's just an Allie thing? That's a society thing. I don't bring a phone in a toilet room. Well, Dave, you're an outlier, and one of the things that I love about you is that you're an outlier. I'm not into you anymore. Fine, I'm kidding right now. I'm going to sit with the door open. I'm an animal. Good, because we're going hiking. I like animals. I've never been more attracted to you in my life. I'm going to go eat Pringles in the gym. So, Allie...

This rarely happens on the show, but everything we're pitching, I'm not liking because I go back to Gareth on this one. I'm coming home to Gareth, and I'm saying, even if you do the lie, I don't think you do. This talk is too early for me. I would be weirded out if we went hiking, and then she came back and she was like, will you stand in the lobby for 40 minutes while I take a dump? I'm like, and do what? Just take a shit.

But I think if you did the move where you said, hey, I'm going to run downstairs and grab some bottles of water for the vending machine so we have it in the room. We don't have to pay for it in here. And he'll go, I'll go with you. And you go, you know, I'm actually, I'm going to bring my phone. I'll go on. I'll text you if anything's up. And he goes, sounds good. And then you text them like, you know, get in the waters, going to hit the bathroom or whatever you're doing. I'm just down here for that. I'll be up in 10. He'll go, sounds good. And you just did the first trip.

Just be weird. And look, look, if he, if he finds this to be weird, it does open you a little more naturally to this conversation. And then you jury duty it. And then you do the jury duty. And then he said, but then he says, and I am hearing that I'm just not addressing it. No, I understand that you heard it. I saw you hear it. And I also saw you move right through it. I understand. I know. So what I will say is if this comes up into a talk,

Then that's a, the Gareth story with that girl is very charming. I mean, honest to God, Gareth, when she said the thing about jury duty and shit, what was the thought you had? You guys then made a game of it. Well, Oh, when she, I said, I literally go, I go, go take a shit. I go, go take a shit. She just goes, she goes, I just, I go, I'll, I go, I will shut that door and another door and I go, and you do your thing and no worries. Yes. But it became a charming thing. So I would almost say Allie,

weird out on this first one make yourself comfortable do what you need to do think of gareth when you're making up excuses if you gotta lie a little bit and you got stage fright and it took you 30 minutes and he goes what happened you go craziest thing the there was a robbery

And just make up the lie as you have time. It's even as you will have time while you're sitting there, you know, doing your business. A circus came through town. A circus came through town. What? The guy at the front desk had a seizure while he was checking out my Pringles. I had never done it, but I fixed it. What? Yeah, I put a wooden spoon in his mouth. Anyway, they said that I could have the Pringles for free. So now, Ali, we've given you a bunch of ideas.

Even though I balked on some of them, that doesn't mean you need to, obviously. So what do you think you're going to actually now do? Honestly, I feel like...

maybe it'll just be a talk about it and maybe it'll bring us closer. Do you want to do a practice talk with Kevin? Because Kevin might be the best name. So Allie, will you do a practice talk with Kevin? No, Gareth. I have a BFA in theater. A BFA in theater. We know. We know.

Okay, so this is a shark and alley alley. Will you just show us how it's going to kind of go as real as it can go? Okay. Okay. All right. Let's see if the hell this goes. All right. Hey, Dave. Hey, how's it going? Hey. Okay. So I have to be honest. Okay. I know we're going to be away together for a whole weekend. And I was a little nervous about it just because.

Obviously, we both live alone, so we both have all of our alone time, whatever. But I just was a little nervous about going to the bathroom in front of you. And just wondering how we can go about it just to make each other comfortable. I guess I don't know how you feel about it, but it just makes me a little nervous. Do you want me to leave? I mean, if you're comfortable with that, yeah, that might be the best. When I have to go to the bathroom...

Do you want me to leave? No, you can do it in the room. I can always, you know, go for a little walk or head to the lobby for a little bit. I think we should both leave. You mean the relationship? I think we should both leave and never talk again. I'm going to go. I think you setting it up as like kind of a serious thing. It's very disarming to realize you're talking about taking a shit.

I agree, by the way. Yeah. It's starting very sweet. And I was like, this is going to work. And then it ended in the way they're ending where it feels weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's a weird conversation. I mean, it's it is just kind of it's weird. Every relationship you have this thing where at some point you guys both kind of come out of the bathroom together and go, I poop. So, Allie.

We have made you do stuff a few times, then constantly told you it was wrong. Come home to Pringles, Allie. Come home to Pringles. Again, so to close off, what you're thinking of having the talk with him,

I think so. Maybe I'll try and crack a joke with it. Okay. So then why don't we do this? Why don't you please follow up with us after the talk before the trip? Absolutely. Okay. Cause when I'm, what we're all really hoping for is you, it went off great. It was perfect. The trip is this weekend. Yeah. We leave Friday. Ooh, I have an idea. Allie, you ever consider doing this talk via text? He's not like big into texting. He's, you know, older.

He's 37. We were having a great time. Shut up, Kevin. We were having a great time with you. Everything was going great. We've role-played, we've pitched, and now 37's old. Jesus Christ. Why don't you just boop with the door open? Garrett is nearly 50. Shut up, Jake.

What what Jake said earlier, you're 30, he's 37. I truly think he's going to go. Yeah, whatever you want. I don't care. Like he's not 20 and he's going to like freak out. I truly old. Yeah, he's an old man. He's an old, old man. So old. He's about nine years younger than Gareth. So let's do this, Ali. Will you please? So you're going to do it. You're going to have to talk with him on the trip or before.

Probably on the trip. Okay. Will you try to do something if you're comfortable with it? And if you're not, I get it. Will you bring out your phone and record it as a voice note? If you can, I would love to hear this conversation. That would be fucking awesome. However, and I am, Allie, as a person who has a podcast, please do that.

If he sees the recording, this whole thing gets a lot. I totally agree. So I would say, can we consider, have you ever considered wearing a wire? Would you wear a wire? I mean, how about a lipstick? Um, would you do this after the talk? Maybe when he asks you to go take a lap or when you have a minute, will you make a video telling us how it goes? It's a great idea. And then we could get the video and then we'll do a followup, uh,

And would you also make the video if he had, when he leaves before you start going to the bathroom, just the, I'm minutes away. I don't have a lot of time. Squander the time before we launched the rocket. Allie, you're the best. We appreciate it. We think this is going to work for you. I agree. Thank you guys. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

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That's helloalma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help. Hello. Hello, our friend. Welcome to We're Here to Help. What is your name? Where are you calling from? Age? Problem? And last movie you loved?

Ooh, okay. My name is Eric. I'm calling from the Atlanta area. I'm 26, and the last movie I loved. I just watched Legally Blonde for the first time ever, so that was good. Sure. All right, Eric, what can we do for you today, bud? Okay, so I've got some backstory first. So my girlfriend is from Australia, but she lives here in Atlanta, and that's where we met.

And we've been dating about a year now and I've been able to meet a few of her friends and family over the phone. Um, and there's this one friend she has, um, we can call him Daniel. I've talked to him a few times and he seems, he seems okay, but he does this thing where instead of calling me by my name, he calls me yeehaw, uh, like, like yeehaw giddy up cowboy. Yeah. Like, and, um, is he in love with your girlfriend?

That would be funny, but no, he's married. Okay. And so, you know, I guess like,

I guess he means it as a joke, but he keeps doing it. And, you know, I think it's like he thinks I'm just some dumb, bumbling American from the South. And like, I thought it was funny at first and I laughed and went along with it. But like, he keeps saying it. And he's like, even when I'm not in the room or not on the call, he calls me Yeehaw. So an example of him calling you Yeehaw in conversation, just so we hear it is you, your girlfriend are on with her friends.

And you're talking and you're like, oh, we went out. And he'll just be like, is it right, yee-haw? You had a good time, did you, yee-haw? All of that was just so you could do your Australian accent? No, it wasn't. We've done too many of these. I was like, is this going to be a joke or a question? I was like, just the accent? I'm just trying to make sure I want to hear your accent. All of that just to do the voice? No. We don't get new listeners. All these people have heard all of ours. I'm not doing it for that.

Yes. All right. So keep going. So we, no. Okay. So, okay. So he calls you this, he's being a little bit mean. You're getting a little annoyed. Keep going. So we're actually taking a trip to Australia later this year. Okay. So I'm going to get to meet him in person. And, um,

My like my question is, I don't know how to handle it. Should I like should I try and show him that I'm not like dumb American or like should I lean into it and go like super hard? And this is an interesting question. It is. This is a tricky one because this is the how to handle a mean joke. And and I think what I would say is.

There's not you know, I don't think you're gonna get I don't think you're gonna be like I'm really smart I'll show you you never sound you don't you don't sound like you're not a yeehaw. Yeah, so it's like he's not doing it because he thinks you're stupid He did it from the get-go because he thinks you're from Atlanta He thinks that's the south and he thinks you're American and he just he now does it He thinks he's charming and it's so I think we got to do a fight fire with fire exactly where I was going I think you've got to come back with a nickname. That's equally kind of annoying hundred percent on the same page and

It's if somebody comes at you. So if somebody starts a mean joke at you and you don't want to play along at first, you just go like, all right, then they do it again. You go like, okay, then you do it again. And you realize, oh, they're not going to stop.

So then you just do to them what they're doing to you and it gets uncomfortable. You're basically, you're just, what you're gonna, what you're trying to do is one of two things. Either make him go like, oh, okay, I can tell by the tenor of his nickname that that's how it feels to him and it's uncomfortable. Yes. Or you're just going, all right, asshole, you want to play nicknames? Let's play nicknames for the rest of our lives. There's two things that could happen. One, he could go,

you know, you're calling him matey, you're calling him croc Dundee, you're calling him outback, you know, you're calling him shrimps on a Barbie, you know, you're going, every time he says anything, you go like this. Now that's a knife, you know, and then boomerang, boomerang, uh, kangaroo, looming onion, kangaroo boy. Yeah. Uh,

so and either he's going to come back and you guys are going to get a little gnarly or the other things that happens and this is what actually happens with gareth and i is we'll keep going and then one of us will laugh and you'll go like that was a good one yeah because then you could just enter a buddy thing where you go like you're not hurting each other's feelings he's calling you yee-haw and you're calling him kangaroo jack yeah and then you go back and forth and one of you says something you both start laughing you go like that one was good and then you move on yeah so but there's a

fine line because it might not be that dynamic. It might not be, but it's going to be better than you being like, prove I'm not. Hey, never do that. I'm not done.

You know, like, it's just not going to be a good one. Would a dumb guy know 9 times 7 is 63? Like, you're going to get on the other side of that rainbow and be like, ooh, that is not. Then everybody's going to go, hey. Everybody's going to go, okay, yeehaw. And then he's going to start calling you like. No, behind your back there, they're going to go, Eric's a real yeehaw. Like, he does not understand Daniel's jokes. Like, I thought he was like a southern gentleman, but he's kind of like a weak man. He's like a real freak show. He's a real weirdo. So 100% never take a silly mean joke and go, I'm not that. Yeah.

You can't shout your way out of this bag. What do you think? I don't want to be that guy. No, that's not you, Eric. But what do you think about, you know, fire with fire a little bit? Yeah, I like this idea. I think it could work. And like you're saying, like if he if he's if he's bonding with it, we could like make a game out of it. Yeah. But by the way, also, if he's not, but he keeps going, then fuck him, too. I got an idea, too. Why don't you how long are you going to be there on this trip?

We'll be there for like a week and a half, two weeks. How long are you going to be around Daniel? That whole time you're going to one city? Yeah, one city, but probably not that whole time. It might be just like a night or two nights. That you'll see Daniel?

So yeah, we will see him. Here's what I'm going to recommend. Why don't you make two t-shirts, one that says Yeehaw and one that says whatever name he has. And the second day of this trip, you'll give it to him and you guys can both wear it out. Like you've got nicknames. You can solidify it as a friend. Oh man. I think that could work. That's awesome. Hold that as a, uh, if then type contract. Yes.

If the first half wins... And his shirt has a little pouch on the front of it. Then do the second half. Okay. Yes. Yes, it's a very... I hear that story about Will Ferrell when he auditioned for SNL. He was like, he had his meeting with Lorne Michaels and he decided he was going to put a fake million dollars in a briefcase and put it on the desk and go...

I think this will help influence your decision. And he gets in there and he has the meeting and then he's like, the vibe's not right. And he just did. So he takes it out. Yeah. But then he has a second meeting with him. He's like, this time I'll do it. He brings it in again. There's another meeting with him. He's like, right. And so he just went in there twice. But that's right. Because so I need the room as well. I love the idea of the shirt and solidifying that we're friends if it works. Now let's think of the nickname that you could call them. And then we're going to do a little run through where Eric, where, uh, um,

you get to play you and Gareth gets to do his Australian accent. Oh, I don't, I don't really want to, but okay. Okay. Then we don't have to. No, I'll do it. It's not necessary. We'll just move on. No, I'll do it. Okay. And then we'll see how it plays when he calls you. Yeah. And you call him that and we'll just feel it out. So let's think of,

What nicknames that we threw out earlier did you like that you could actually see yourself calling them? Because you're not looking to insult everybody. It's going to be a bunch of Australians. Yep. Yeah. I liked... I think you said, Jake, I think you said kangaroo boy or something like that. Kangaroo boy. That one hurts. By the way, that would make me feel uncomfortable. Definitely get the shirt with the pouch. If somebody called me kangaroo boy, I'd go like this. All right, I won't call you yeehaw anymore. Don't call me kangaroo boy in front of others. Yes. It is. It's demeaning. Yeah. Okay. So...

You like, you want to try kangaroo boy? Yeah. Why don't we try it? Okay. What's your girlfriend's name? Uh, her name is Steph. I'll be playing stuff. If you're comfortable with that. Of course I am. But Steph has an accent or did she go to international school or some dumb shit? My guess is some dumb shit. Uh, what's, uh, yeah, we know she does. We're talking about the person playing her. Absolutely. She does. So question to you, Eric, Daniel's girlfriend is named what? Oh, good.

I think her name is Shanice. Hey, Shanice. Shark, you just booked. Yeah. Yes. So Shark is Shanice. I'm your girlfriend. You are playing you. And Gareth is playing the villain in our story. Daniel. Hello. Hello.

We're not talking pre-show. Gareth Reynolds, SAG-AFTRA eligible, hands willing to shave. Say your height, 5'8 1⁄2"? 5'6". 5'10", 32 years old. Jake Johnson, 5'6 1⁄2", 215, not willing to shave because I'm afraid it won't grow back. When I get naked, I look like a big, weird toddler. 46, going on 62.

I'm trying to put a bunch of stone animals in my yard. My wife isn't having it. I would love to swim with wild turtles. Hey, nobody goes in the pool. Can I just make it a turtle zone? All right, thanks for coming in. You're very welcome.

How'd you do? I don't know. I might have booked. I didn't do any of the sides, so is that normal? I don't think actors ever do the sides. We just do our weird intros and they ask us to leave and then our agents drop us. You do your intro for five minutes and then they say thank you. Get out. I think I'm acting. I don't know. Let's do it. We now go to Australia. Yep.

Alright then, it's good to see you. Good to meet you in person finally, Yeehaw. I've been waiting for you two to meet, actually. Yeah, look at Yeehaw. He must be a bit strange being all the way over here in a strange land. We've had a wonderful time. Let's not get on each other. Yeah, alright. I wasn't. What's up, kangaroo boy? How you doing? Kangaroo boy? Is that Yeehaw coming back at me with a bit of kangaroo sass?

Yeah, why not? I'm enjoying myself. You guys got a lot of kangaroos out here. Well, all of you know I don't have a kangaroo, so I don't know if that's what you're insinuating. Oh, you don't? Oh. Okay, stop, stop. You're being way too sweet, and you're letting him steamroll. He's coming at you aggressively. You're coming at him aggressively. I'm like the jacked kangaroo. Yeah, so you can't, he goes, kangaroo boy, you can't go, I don't know, it's just a stupid thing I tried. I'm just yeehaw. You're not yeehaw.

Whatever energies he's bringing to you, you're bringing at him. You're winning this exchange. You're making a generalization about an area that he's in you know nothing about. And if he's being rude to you, you don't like him. Fuck this guy. He's making you feel uncomfortable. Fuck him. It's one night. This guy could be a prick. If he wants to be nice, let's play nice. If not, don't play nice. I will shave. All right. Should we go again?

Whatever, however we see the character. And we are back. And what have you got to say, Shanice? My favorite ACD song is Bick and Blick. It's actually ACDC. Shanice has been drinking wine in the car all day. No, I went to international school with this woman. You don't think either of you did. Maybe you two should have a chat. We went there in London, didn't we? That's right. And then our closest friends were from- Shanice, did you call ACDC ADCC? ADCC? ADCC?

All right. Yeah, Dan, I wouldn't align yourself with her. She's not got the best time. She's my best mate. No, she's not. Hey, Yee-Haw, what have you been doing? Yee-Haw, you've been having a good time out here. What do you think of the way we run things out here in Australia? Yeah, kangaroo boy. I'm having a good time. Kangaroo boy? Where does that come from then? It's coming from Yee-Haw. No, I don't even think so. Yee-Haw can get it right back. Yeah, I don't even explain where it comes from. He's calling you Yee-Haw. He knows what he's doing. He's a fucking kangaroo boy. Look at him.

He'd shit. Let's start from the top. I don't want any explanation, any niceness. Your view in him is fuck this guy. He's kangaroo. But I think also having a chuckle along with it is helpful. But he's kangaroo boy. All right, then. Yeehaw. That was the flight in takes forever. I bet you're a bit upside down now, aren't you?

Yeah, what's up? What's up, kangaroo boy? It's good to meet you in person, finally. Shark, why did you die? Because you made a mistake. All right, one more time. Well, well, well, Yeehaw. Heard you lost your luggage. It's a problem for you. Probably left your lasso inside of it, haven't you? You got any shirts for me, kangaroo boy? I lost my luggage. I might need to borrow some. Great. Kangaroo boy? I don't know. You need one of my shirts. Where's this kangaroo boy? It's me, is it?

Although I don't know if you'll have any shirts that are my size. It might be a little too big for you. You are a bit of a yeehaw. Get out of here, you little rascal. Pretty good, Eric. That's good. And what you did there was if he's jabbing at you, never go like, well, your jab definitely hurts a little bit, but the reason I'm jabbing back is because you punched me. Actually, let's say he says this. If I offended you with the name Yeehaw or something like that, is it where you're saying something like this?

Not at all. Great. I'm not offended at all. Great. There we go. Good. That's good. Eric, I think you're not, and then you're having fun with it. And then for you, what you guys do in the South is you guys can actually handle a couple of ribbon a little bit. Take it easy. But whenever he calls you yeehaw, instantly you're calling him kangaroo boy. Yeah. Yeah. Take it. I think also the other thing is like when you travel to other countries, you know, you just gear up for a little of the business. You're just going to get it.

I mean, you know, so just to Daniel, give it, laugh it off and give it back. Eric, how you feel it?

I'm feeling good. I think I can definitely do that. We know you can. I think you got this. Do not in the moment start softening up. If he's jabbing, jab back. If he starts going nice, then you go nice. If later he goes like he calls you by your name, well, then you can drop kangaroo boy. Yep. But you are just mirroring his vibe. Be okay with any of those outcomes. Who cares? Yep.

Yeah. And I still really like the idea of the t-shirt. I think that's hilarious. Yeah. Get a pouch on his if it says kangaroo boy. And when you're down there, man, represent us. The red, white, and blue. That's right. Don't take any shit. Okay? Don't forget who we are. We've got military bases in pretty much every other country. Let them know why. We're the United States of America. And don't sneak any animals in there. You can go to jail for a long time. Yeah, it can be pretty serious. Ball eagles and cheeseburgers.

Sure. That's a list of two things. We appreciate the call. Keep us posted. Let us know how it goes, buddy. All right. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate it. Thanks, Yeehaw. Okay. Thanks, Hangar Boy. There we go. Perfect.

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Hi. Hi, welcome back. We know who you are. We actually don't. We know your follow-up. What's your name? And what was the... Yeah, my name's Allie. I was the one that called about the weekend getaway and getting the guy out of the hotel room. Oh, great. Yes. This is where she's going away with this guy she's been with for three months. Yep, she needs some poop. How does she get it out? So, Allie, walk us through...

In the end, I remember we had a bunch of pitches. Walk us through what we said that you liked and then walk us through what you did and then tell us what happened. And take your time. This is a good one. Yeah. I mean, I think I liked Gareth's pitch the most when he told me to, you know, use like the lobby bathroom. Yeah.

And that's just leave, go to the lobby. Make up an excuse for snacks. Go to the lobby, take your poop, come back up and go, boy, they got it. And not bring it up to them. Just say, I got to go get snacks. Well, yeah, yeah. I got to go get Nutter Butters, drop a deuce, come back up, go. They didn't have them, so I got Pringles. Okay, so that was the one you were going with, and what happened?

Yeah. Because Jake, you wanted me to maybe come up with like a code word or something. And when I role played, you were like, and it wasn't great. Yeah. So funny, because I thought we left it in that you were going to have a adult conversation with him before the weekend. Right. I don't remember. Yeah, I thought that we landed on what did we land on that?

Yes, but I didn't do that. Okay. That is where we landed. Yeah. Going to the lobby just to take dates out is crazy. It's great. I've done it though. Yeah, same. Yeah, but I thought it landed there where she was like, I'm going to be a grown up. I was like, good for you. Is that how we ended, Allie, that you were going to chat? I mean, it did kind of take a turn that way. Okay. Walk us through what happened. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah.

Yeah. So first night he was in the shower and I was like, perfect golden opportunity. So I ran to the closest bathroom and I was back before he was out of the shower. Swear to God you ran in the hallway.

What's that? Did you run in the hallway of the hotel to the bathroom? Was there ever running? Or was there a brisk walk? Speedwalking. Was that because you wanted to get away with the crime or because this was an urgent matter? Fair. I wanted to get away with the crime. Incredible. So you ran, you went to the lobby, you found the lobby. And what's your anxiety level when you're in the bathroom? Yeah.

it's also by the way i would imagine as someone who works at the front desk of the hotel you're very familiar with this totally right you're probably like yeah there we go a bunch of sweaty women's script new couple okay so the first time you you briskly walk you make it happen you get back to the room he's still in the shower

Yep. Wonderful. So then, you know, he was doing a long shower was taking a dump. Correct. Cause that's the other thing. Take a long fake shower. So then the next couple of days I actually just got really backed up and I was kind of in a lot of pain from holding it. So, yeah. So I did end up having the adult conversation with him and I was like, you know, I just got to tell you, like,

I really need to go to the bathroom and it's just not happening. And he's like, all right, great. What can we do to make this happen? Sweet guy. So we went and got some coffee with actual real milk. We were going to go get some Miralax. How many days were you blocked up? Was this a month long trip? What about the lobby plan? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're just sitting there in prison pain. I get stage fright. So it wasn't going to happen. Okay. So you just knew I need to, I need to take this out of my control. Yes. Yes. But he was really nice about it. And I did end up having the adult conversation in kind of a different way. Okay. How'd it go? What happened?

Good. So you said, I'm going to have this. And so we're now building up towards you drink coffee. You got some whole milk in your system. There's a rumbling in the tunnel. What happens next? Yes. It did work while we were out at a restaurant. So also very great. A great. So you just go, I got to hit the bathroom. You go.

to the bathroom were you in there for a long time you know i walked yeah i wasn't in there for a long time but i walked out and he just looked at me and said success and then i got a fist bump so i think that was sweet guy i like this guy i like this guy a lot too because it shows two things one that he's very comfortable with this situation and two that he's he cares for you and he's a problem solver i'm liking his reaction i love his reaction success i will say

The fact that we had a call before you went there about this and it still ended up in you talking to him and we were talking about going to get Miralax. Yeah. It's quite a twist. Yeah. But but then some question to you, what happened back in the hotel room? Did you ever take a dump in the close quarters?

I did not. Okay. You just lost. So did you, after that success fist bump in a restaurant, did you hold it until you got home? And we need you to be honest. Have you gone since? I did. You held, you just held it. Okay. Yeah. But it was only like another day. You should be going every day to be honest. That's how you become regular. Don't hold it. He fist bumps you. You should feel freedom now to go. You've had the conversation. So where are you guys at now?

The hospital. Yeah, I mean, we're good. We haven't had another trip yet, so we'll see what the next one is like. But you guys are still hanging out. Yeah, but this is a wash. Yeah. You did it. Just once you do this once, it's over. You're good now. But she didn't. You're not here in the end. They went back to the hotel. She held her dump until she got home. I'm aware, but I'm telling her now the hard part's over. No, it isn't. The hard part would have been if

The restaurant, that's what I mean. It's a wash. We're in exactly the same spot. Next trip. We're in a better spot. Well, we're in a different spot. Apparently. But she. It's a half win. Because you took a dump in a restaurant? Well, because he knows that she dumps. Yeah, but did you have to go to the bathroom again afterwards where you're sitting in the hotel room and you thought like. Yes. Yes. Allie, did you hold a dump in? No.

Our show's falling off the rails. Kind of. Allie, your plot line is really taking us. So you're saying we're in a better spot. She's kind of holding it. We wanted the end of this trip to be, we have a system. All right, Allie, here we go. I think we need to, I think we need this. We don't do this much, and I would never do this, but this is what I'm going to say. I think the next time you guys are hanging out and you have to go to the bathroom, you don't hold it.

And you tell him he needs to go take a call, go watch something online for a minute. Turn the TV. Here's another good one. Turn the TV up real loud and you go to the bathroom and you've got to do it because we need to get through this phase. And you're going to be for the next. You're not going to be enjoying yourself. Yeah. It's not about trips. It's just kind of about if you're together. Have you gone to the bathroom at his house?

I have not. Have you had to? Of course she had to. She's holding it until she gets sick. Jake's right. You have an assignment. Allie, you have an assignment. Okay. We'd like you to take a dump at his house and then follow up with us. Title. I don't care how you do that. Of shirts, merch. You're not listening to any advice we give. So however you want to do it. But now we're out of the advice business and we're into the Allie business. Yeah. You got to take a dump at his house. We're Dr. Filling. You have to do it. Okay. Okay.

It's time. Okay. And when you do, and you have the conversation again with him, he already knows you're going to the bathroom. Yeah. And if it happens and it's success and you feel good about it, just leave a quick voice note and just send it to Kevin. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Okay. And if it's a story call in, if not just say it happened, it's over. It was cool. And what, you know, we'll say in the audience, we'll say she's okay now. Yep.

You're in a good spot. All right, I will. Finish the mission. I'll work on it. Thanks, Allie. I will do my best. Bye, Allie. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

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