And we are back.
Jake. So you got the flu. The legit flu. Tested and everything. Tested. Yep. I got these tests that tell you flu, COVID, all that stuff. And I thought I was like, I hadn't felt good for a couple days, but I really didn't think it was flu bad. Right. And then I like went to like water some plants after I took the test. And then I saw like one in the other column and I was like, oh no. And it was flu. I was like, shit. And so how long are you out with the flu?
This is probably day four of it. But it felt very validating. I was like, oh, yeah, okay, that makes a lot. I was like, yeah, because I have felt like shit. Yeah. But, I mean, everybody's got something right now. It is a crazy era. Yeah, there's just, it is, we are, I don't know, it's not good.
But it's also like I got the flu shot and obviously since I got the flu, it's a miss to some extent, but I feel like it helped me out a little bit. Yeah. And then one of the things they prescribed, I...
Like I was telling my girlfriend about it and she like Googled it and she's like, they might be discontinuing this nasal spray. And I was like, wait, what? Like this guy gave me a thing. And she's like, why don't you look stuff up? I was like, uh, I did, but I decided to try it anyway. Speaking of, uh, you just have to put faith in others. I got a colonoscopy yesterday. Oh, I got to get one soon. You got it yesterday, huh? Yesterday, Garrett. Oh, buddy boy. Yeah. And drugs are good, right?
The drugs were incredible. I heard the drugs are, like, you're like, hey, you want to do another one? Let's do this again in April. Well, I kind of had, I told my wife after, I'm like, I'm a little less scared of diseases and sickness because I'm going to lean into the morphine and the drugs. Yes.
Is that what it was? It was morphine? No, it was... I'm not going to try to pronounce it, but it starts with a P. Yeah. As Eric Edelstein told me when we had lunch yesterday, brother, it's what got Michael Jackson. It is. That's what the doctor... That's...
That's really what, yeah, I mean, he loved it so much. Well, I get it. You need a Conrad Murray. You need a Conrad Murray to come over every couple days and just kind of juice you out. I need a guy. So you had lunch with Eric after the colonoscopy? Yeah. Quite a celebration. Well, here's what happened. The prep of it. And Gareth, you're of age.
Well, I mean, I know. So it's not how you see yourself. It's what your body is. I think I have to get one in the next 10 years. By the way, you have to get one now. So what would be funny if a doctor said to you, does a doctor ever say to you when you get there, age, height, weight, and how old do you portray? No, I just, I go 35, 6'2", 130 pounds. And he goes...
45, 5'8", nearly 200. Correct. Yes, that's right. By the way, it is a really funny thing of if doctors went along with how you see yourself. So Jake Johnson, 6'2", probably like 38 to 42. Probably about 180 and I'm going, mm-hmm. Yeah, you're like linebacker, LSU. All right, Mr. Johnson. Very high IQ. Step up by the scale. Very good stuff. All right, quiet. Stop talking, please.
Just poking you with a stick. But I did have a, you know, it was one of those awful moments because you're getting wheeled into the room. And it's a machine. They've got so many, they're making so much money sticking these cameras up people's butts. It is one after the other. I felt like a Ford on an assembly line. Is it covered in like plastic?
The camera? The whole tubing. I'm not watching. But don't you... What kind of pervert are you? You think you're going to keep your eyes back there? It's not a show, you creep. No, but I mean, I want to see it before. I want to be like, you guys scrubbed it real good from the last guy, right? Yeah.
Can I see what, may I have a look at it? I want to do like the Gordon Ramsay hotel hell. I want to go through it with like a little Q-tip and be like, can I get my, can I get my black light? Hey, not to be, not to be an asshole here or sorry, but can I see what's going inside of me? Can I hold all the yards? Yeah, no, it was different than that. You go in, um, the prep is so intense. It's you clean yourself out. It is. Did you kind of wing yourself off in your house in your own little zone?
I mean, no. My wife had something to do, so I was still kind of... I was just in mid-conversation. I'd be like, hey, guys, we got to finish homework. Excuse me. You'd be mid-trying to be a normal person and then just more than racing. And that's one day of that? Two days. Two days of that. Well, it's a full 20. It's really one day of that, but before you're stopping food.
So you're stopping solids. Like, it's a whole thing. So there's no food, really, the day before. So it's low. It's, what is it? It's the first thing you have to do is you have to stop eating fiber stuff. So you're eating the weirdest foods. Such as? Such as it's like all pasta and like all the stuff you're told not to eat, you're now allowed to eat. That's kind of cool. Like literally a doctor says like, feel free to have cookies.
And you're like, what is happening here? Slamming cookies and then race shitting out of every room. I was eating white bread being like, well, I'm doing what the doctor told me to do here. Is dad okay? Dad's fine, honey. A doctor told him to eat nothing but white bread. That's why he's running up the stairs to poop so much. That's why he's screaming. That's why you hear him screaming. And then a water falls out. I'll tell you the mistake that I made. I thought, you know, in terms of we're guys who give advice on this show, we're
I thought, you know, like everything, well, you're kind of first option. So you take the first option. I overthink and then mostly make a bad decision. Yeah. I have a question for you. When would you schedule your procedure? Open schedule, all times available. What time of day are you scheduling the procedure? First available. That's what I did. So let's say the first available is 830 in the morning. You taking it? Yes. That's what I did. Why is that a problem? It's a huge problem.
Why? Because the drink you take to clear you out is split in half. Then the first time you drink it starts... By the way, I'm glad you said first because that's what we would have pitched.
Somebody smarter would have pitched later in the afternoon. Well, I didn't know about the drink. So the session is this. So the reason we did bad timing is you have to drink a potion. The potion tastes terrible. Not a medical. No way they're tossing that word around. That's what they said. I go to this school. Who did you go to? An apothecary? Harry Potter.
It's my doctor's Harry. Dr. Potter? So you take the drink all, so if you have, you're supposed to do two parts of the drink. What do you do in the morning? So, well, here's what happens on the drink. So the first time that you take the drink is at about like 2 p.m. Okay, day before. Day before, which is fun, right? So then you know what's going to happen after that. You got a few hours where it's pretty intense. Well, guess when the second drink is, Gareth? Uh.
Right before? No. How could it be right before? A night? So you're up all night? What the drink does is it clears you out. So what, you do it before bed? Nine? 1 a.m. Oh, no. So you're like a baby. Yes. And then are you up all night doing the beads? Of course you are. Imagine a fire.
hose coming out of your body. So you could have done 2 p.m. and then 9 a.m.? No, because then it would have been, no, if let's say you chose later in the day, then you do it like 5 p.m., then you go to bed, then you do it when you wake up in the morning, and you go from like 8 a.m. till noon, then you have the procedure at 3. So you're going in tired.
Gareth, I had about an hour of sleep. I was in another galaxy. But I didn't know what to do. I kept trying to sleep. I would lay down and I'd be like, okay, it's three o'clock. It's time for this old bull to get some sleep. And then all of a sudden, I'd go like... Grumble.
Beyond crumble. Red alarm fire. Sprint. Oh, sprint. Yes, dude. But that's the problem with the timing. How do you get to the doctor's office if you have to shit? Well, you get, so by the time it's over, so I drank it at one. By 6.45 in the morning, seven. You know, I was pretty good, but I was definitely nervous in the back of the lift.
I definitely had a game plan. Could you, you know, could you please pull over?
Oh, Jesus Christ. And when I got to the place, the first thing you do when you check in, I was like, is there a bathroom? They know. Yeah. Well, also, then I'm like laying in the little room. It's not even a room. It's just divided by curtains. Oh, God. So you could hear everybody else doing their little like pre-interviews in the other room. Oh. And I heard the woman next to me beforehand go like, I need to go to the bathroom now. I need to go to the bathroom now. Oh, my God. And I'm like, this is wild. The shit wing.
So then, okay, so then you go in. So then, you know, you get the IV. Yeah. You're sitting there. You pass out? Not yet. No, I don't pass out. I mean, it's not long. They're moving pretty fast. Right. And then I got, you know, you get in the little gown with your butt out. Sure. Great look. Gorgeous. Best possible. Showing your best feature off.
By the way, they're made to humiliate. Oh, yeah. Those gowns go above the knee to... They could come up with a way, yeah. I agree. It doesn't have to be this way. Make it a side thing. It doesn't have to humiliate this much. Like a slip. Then they put those little socks on you, too, with grip. Ugh. And then they... You're going to need those to run down our hallways to go shit your brains out of your ass. Then they wheel you into this little room where...
It just feels like an office room. Doesn't feel like a surgery room. Right. Yeah, I'm like,
This is the room, eh? Kind of expected more like an ER episode. Yeah, right. Where I was like, just four people with gloves on in a room, and I'm laying on my side with my butt out. Four people? Yeah, just like four random people with gloves on. And also, because of guys our age, Gareth, they were younger than me. Do you... That's humiliating in its own right, but do you... Is there an... It's hard for you to maybe have this perspective, but you're a famous guy, right?
Is there an added element there that they're seeing the backstage? It's not awesome. Yeah, it's not a great feeling. It's not awesome. We're big fans. I got recognized. In there? Yeah. Humiliating. That's the worst. Yeah.
That should be off limits. They should be like, look, this is LA. You're going to see some stars. Not the place for it. Yeah. The guy goes like, I love let's be cops. The guy goes like, I'm a fan of what you do. And I was like, thanks. You're not going to be a fan of what I do in here. I got to tell you, you're not going to like this performance.
So then you get in the room and they put the little thing on your, the nose and the guy goes, count to 10. The worst. Deep breath. It's going to smell a little bit like plastic. You're going to feel a little warmth on the IV. And I'm sitting there going like, I don't know about this. Always. I was like, man, I'm not into this. I'm hearing the bee.
Me, I'm like, this isn't my... Next thing I know, I'm in another room. There's a different nurse above me. Wow. I'm opening up one eye. The back one? She's saying... That's been opened. And she's going...
hi, everything okay? And I go, I have no idea where I am. I go, definitely. Yeah, definitely. You good? Are you good? Are you good? Is everything okay with you, actually? Thanks for coming in. Yeah. What can I do for you today? What's your name? How old are you? Where you come from? What's going on? What's your favorite animal? Favorite animal?
And then, you know, not only that, you're hearing all the people next to you going through the same thing. So there was this 70-year-old guy next to me going like, I'm okay, I'm okay. And I'm like, and then, you know, I guess one of my eyes was open and the other wasn't because she said, is there any reason your right eye is closed? And I went like. I'm winking. I was like, I don't know.
Because I'm hitting on you? I'm coming on to you, lady. Where am I? What's going on? And why does my tushy hurt so bad? Why is everything wet? Why am I? Why does it sound like someone's jumping in a puddle every time I shift? Everybody, enjoy the show. Bye-bye.
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We're going to solve your problem. It's been a wild day of calls, so let's keep it rolling. Can we get your name? My name is Jessie. Jessie. And Jessie, where are you calling from? Oakland, California. Oh, beauty. And how old are you? 31. Beauty. All right. Well, how are things in Oakland? Good? Feeling good? Happy? Things are good. I'm nervous. What are you nervous because you're dealing with two of the best problem solvers of all time?
Pretty much. So, Jessie, I got a question for you. Okay. What's your favorite band of all time? You like music? Oh, gosh. I do like music. That's like the hardest question. Okay. How about an easier question then? If you had a final meal and you were on death row, what would you eat?
That's a hard one. I'm really ready to tell you about animals. Pizza. Tell us about animals then. You're in a wild terrain. You choose it. You turn and you're being chased by something. You turn around and you see what animal? What's the animal you see? Oh, it's chasing me?
A hedgehog. A hedgehog. Man, you're really throwing me here. I was ready for one question. Well, you can't plan this. That's the idea. You know what she was waiting for? What animal would you be if you could be any animal? Or favorite animal. That's what she was waiting for. Is that what you were thinking of? I was ready for it. And Jessie, was the answer hedgehog?
Hedgehog or wolf. So I went with hedgehog because I really don't want a wolf to chase me. Love the shark. Shark, shout out. Somewhere right now, Kevin's got a hedgehog in his living room. Somewhere right now, Kevin just hit you. Oh my God. Shark and a hedgehog. I'm so jealous. That was the craziest reveal ever where he was like, this is Lamar, our hedgehog. I was like, what is going on? Okay, Jesse, 31. Oakland, hedgehog chasing you. Wolf possibility. What is going on?
Okay. So some background, about five years ago, my dad moved into his current house and my dad is, and this isn't like a border situation. It's just eclectic and sentimental, but he has a lot of like knickknacks and mostly photographs and trinkets around
A lot of them from his life, but mostly related to my sister and I and our life and our childhood and everything like that. Okay. Pretty much covering his home Florida feeling. So we have an image of dad. He loves you and your sister. Is your sister older or younger? We're twins. Oh, you're twins. Fraternal or identical? Identical. What's her name? Oh, cool. My sister's name is Dylan. Jesse and Dylan. You guys really close?
We're pretty close, yeah. Pretty close. Well, she lives on the other side of the country, so. Oh, that's intense. Do you guys have any of that good twin stuff that if something happens to her, you get a sense and you call and she's like, no way, I knew that. You're like, I had a feeling.
Oh, maybe, but mostly we have always just had some things lined up so that people ask us if we can read each other's minds, we can pretend that we can. Incredible move. It's pretty good. I've got twin daughters, they're fraternal and they'll pretend they'll go, we can do twin talk and then they just talk gibberish.
It's effective. We supposedly did have a language. Interesting. By the time I can remember, I don't know anything about it. But my parents believed that we were speaking before we spoke English. Absolutely fascinating. Truly. It is fascinating. When I was growing up, I was always so jealous of Twit...
Twins, you were like, oh, this is just the best. Yeah. Just your best friend. I was a twin. I ate him in the womb. Okay. And all right, so Jesse, keep going. So we've got a lot of pictures of you and your twin sister, Dylan, around the house, floor to ceiling. What's going on? Keep going. So then my dad has been dating this woman for a couple of years now. And recently, well, longer than recently,
You might expect. But last spring, I believe, she moved into that house. Okay. And this is where the issue kind of comes in, is that she has three children of her own. She's living in a museum, but she's moving into a museum of you and your sister. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And it got the most...
I would say this past November, my sister, her husband and I were visiting. And then my dad's girlfriend's children and their partners came and were visiting. So we were all in the house together. It was the first time I was meeting a lot of them. And there is not a single...
photo of anyone in her side of the family. Oh, wow. Is the problem that you feel awkward by there being no pictures of the new part of the family and you want to try to get more wall equality? Yeah, I feel like the call should be the new girlfriend's kids.
Yeah, I agree. You would not hear this from me. That's so you, Gareth. You would not have me calling and being like, I mean, how do we get more pictures of other people on the wall? You'd not hear that. That is not a Gareth call. We have this fake Sports Illustrated cover of me playing hockey, and we can't figure out where to put it. And these new kids are being kind of assholes about it because they're like, oh, the walls are filled with you. That's fair. I have sort of.
An ulterior motive. Okay. Well, first of all, what's your question? Well, so how to get him to give up some wall space. For these other people. For these other people. One, because it is awkward being in this environment with them and just acknowledging like all of the photos of me. Two, because some of the photos of me are really atrocious and I'd really rather give up that space for photos of them. That's the second motive. Yeah. Okay. That's, that's clean. Yeah.
That you want to get rid of some of those photos. Who he replaces it with? I've got a question for you, Jessie. Do you really care? Yes and no. They seem like nice people. They should probably have some wall space. And...
That part of me is like, give her some wall space. But I guess I don't really care. Well, the balance would be better if we're going to all be in the same place again, though. But here's what I'm looking to get to. The root, the center of the call, because if we're trying to help with two things, sometimes a friend to all is a friend to none. But if we want to get some old photos of you that you don't like off the wall...
We could do that. If we want to convince him to put his girlfriend's kids' pictures on the walls, I don't know. I mean, I'll tell you this. I never met my dad's girlfriend's family, and he tried to do it, but I thought, like, I'm already grown. So if his point of view is like, well, this is my house. I bought it. She's living with me. I'm not charging her rent. My walls are for my kids.
I'm like, I hear what dad's coming from on that. What's the age difference between you and the new kids?
Um, they're, I think they range about, I guess, like between 21 and 28. So they're grownups too. They're grown too. So, so we really could try to kill two birds with one stone here. We can try to get the pictures of you off the wall that you don't like, and we can try to get some pictures of them on the wall in place of that. Okay. This is what I would do. I would do one of two things.
I would... You don't feel comfortable engaging the new girlfriend at all, do you? I'd rather not. Okay. I mean, not that I don't want to talk to her, but I don't want to necessarily problem-solve with her. Okay. You want to problem-solve with us. You have good taste. You're smart. She hasn't heard the pitches yet. I would... This is what I would do. I would propose... I would do one of two things. First, crazy pitch. I would find a zone...
where you don't like a lot of the pictures on the wall, and when he's not looking, fake a fall into it and knock him on the ground. Could you just pick him up, Gareth? No, but you've got to shatter him. You've got to shatter him. You're talking about one of the hardest falls. You're talking about going to the emergency room. No, he's not there. You're faking it.
Okay. And Jake's pushback is... So I'm throwing them on the ground. Very fair. And then pretending that I did it without getting injured. Quick question, Jessie. Does your dad live near where you live? No. How far away? Ohio. The fall pitch still works. Because I was going to say, each time you go to visit, steal one or two pictures. Not bad, too. But it doesn't work with Ohio. Yeah. It would be a slow game. Yeah, like 15 years later. Where does Dylan live?
She's in New York. Oh, Jesus Christ. And where does the new girlfriend's kids live? Around the area that he lives. Oh, so they're all... So it's only when you guys go there do you notice this? Yes. Shit, Jesse. You know what I think you got to do? I think you need to talk to him and pretend it means a lot to you for him to clear a wall for his new stepkids. Okay.
I would argue also... Pretend it's emotional. What you could do is you could say, well, first of all, I don't want to involve... I don't want to pitch sponsors all the time. But Aura Frames is a good way... Go ahead. I hate to do this to you. Go ahead. So the one thing I have tried, aside from making little jokes to him about how he needs to make room...
For Christmas, I bought him an aura frame. I bought him the largest aura frame and it even matches the frames that he does have in his house. Every picture is framed like identically.
And he won't give her access. He won't give her access? He won't let her... Now, this is a next level. He's the best. Because this is what I was going to say. What I was going to say... What I was going to say is, why not approach him and go, Dad...
I think your new girlfriend would really appreciate if you put a couple pictures of her kids on the wall. A woman's intuition is never wrong. I can tell that would do you favors or I can tell she's rubbed by this. But we've already kind of confronted this and dad is like, no. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
I even, I addressed the frame to both of them and I like made a little comment in the gift that was like, hope this solves the wall issue. And then I was like, you've made sure to let her put photos on it. Right. You know what, Jesse, I got a pitch. Cause this is, this is going to be a different type of one. This is a tricky thing. And what I'm going to ask is we do a followup and we get dad on the call and we ambush him. I think that's not a bad idea. Do you think you could convince your dad to get on a call and,
And just do a podcast with us? Maybe. We're going to try to all talk about this. I do love him. I love him. We need to hear from his point of view. We're hitting a roadblock on this because we could pitch stuff like you're not close enough. Like I would do kind of what Gareth was saying about the fall into the wall. But what I would do instead is each time I went there, I would steal one of the pictures I didn't like. And because he's a hoarder, he won't remember. And all of a sudden he'll look and he'll go like, are 16 pictures gone?
but that has to be within like a two month period. It doesn't make, you're not going to fly there to steal a picture. Yeah. You're not going to like rent an Airbnb for three months in Ohio to slowly pull this off. So what I think we got to do is I think we got to talk to dad and get his POV. Did you text him, Jesse? Yeah. I'm not hearing back from him yet. What'd you say in the text? What are you doing? It's a strange intro. Well, cause we've had, this is also my parents, which if you ever tell someone, um,
Can you talk? It sounds very urgent, at least for my generation. And my parents love to send that message and I've had to train them out of it. So for me to say, are you free to talk would feel. We're the same generation. Oh, what did your dad say? He's at practice. For what?
He's in some bands. So let's do this. Rob, can we get her dad's info and on our next call try to get them both on? Yep. And then just wait to air this one until we talk to dad too? How do you feel about that, Jesse? Are you cool with that? I'm cool with that. You don't have to tell him what's going on. Let's keep it a surprise for dad.
But promise that you can tell him we're not going to ambush him and it's all meant for fun. You already called it an ambush. I know. That was a while ago. That was years ago. We're saying what to tell him. Yeah. You don't tell somebody they're getting ambushed. That's the whole point of the ambush. Telling him it's not an ambush is a big part of the ambush. Then he loses his job and then we ambush him. Yeah, we ambush him. Once he feels comfortable, the ambush. Got it. Got it. Okay. I will start that line. All right. Thank you. All right. We'll talk soon then.
Okay, thanks so much. Bye, Jason. Hello. Hello. Hi, welcome back to the show. Thank you. Can you remind us, because Gareth and I are in the dark here, who you are, what the call was, and where the hell we are on this one.
Yeah, so I'm Jessie. My call was about my dad's home being covered in what I consider an excess amount of photos of my sister and I and his girlfriend now lives with him and has three adult children of her own who are not represented in the photos. Right. And when you go back, you feel a little awkward. Yeah.
Yeah, well, there was one time where we like all were there together and it was just very evident that there were lots of photos of me and none of them. And that was the first time I ever actually met them. If I remember correctly, you don't live in the same city as your dad. So it's not an easy. I think the original pitch was slowly sneak stuff on the wall, but you're not there enough. Is that correct? Right. Yeah, correct. Okay. So what did we end on? What was our final pitch?
So ambushing dad was the final pitch that we got to. There was a bit, and I've thought about, and he's available. Oh, shit. So that is the plan that we landed on. Wait, explain ambushing. I don't remember that ending. Ambushing, like we talk to dad? Oh, yeah. He's on, you know, waiting room. Oh, shit. What are we talking to dad about? Oh, shit. All right, keep going, Chelsea.
Oh, no. This is big. This is awful. This is big for us. Okay, so, Jesse, keep going. I just got an instant stomachache. All right, so we were going to ambush Dad to say, can we get some photos of your new girlfriend's family up there? What did we do? What did past us do to future us? We screwed ourselves. This is Bill and Ted's in a bad way. Yeah. Here, Ted. Well...
There's a part of me that also was like, what are we doing? Because you both raised a good point of why do I care? The point was mentioned like, this is not like it would make more sense if the girlfriend's kids were calling in and they were like, Oh yeah, that's correct.
And I have since wondered why I care. You also reflected that it's actually kind of just sweet and that he, I think Jake, you were really on his side. I lost you pretty quickly because you just thought everything he did sounded sweet and like a good dad. So yeah, I like this guy all of a sudden. Huh? Wait, you just did it again. I've switched. All right. Keep going.
So, yes, he's in the waiting room and we can ambush him about the photos. Okay, but Jessie, before we do that, I just need, we take a lot of these calls. There's certain things I haven't re-listened to this one. This one obviously hasn't aired yet. Sure. Walk us through a little bit of backstory here again. So you, it's you and your sister. Mm-hmm. Uh,
Your dad raised you. Great guy. What are we calling dad again? I mean, we're going to need his real name. He's not going to know the game of fake names. Yeah. If I call him Carl, he'll be like, what the hell are you doing? What is this? What's dad's name? His name's Chris. Chris. So Chris has photos of you and your sister all over the walls. Mm-hmm. How long has Chris been dating his new gal? A couple of years. Two years? Yeah.
I think two or three. Okay. A few years. Okay. And how many kids does she have? Three. Three. And you're telling me there's no photos of those three kids on the wall? Correct. Okay. And they live together, right?
Yeah, and I bought him an Aura frame for Christmas, which Gareth, you were going to recommend, but I had already done that, and he won't, at least last I heard, he won't give her control over it or any ability to add photos. And when asked, he will say, well, she knows she can send them to me, and I might add them. And so because, Jesse, the premise of this show is we're here to help you, you want some photos of, what's his girlfriend's name? Gil. Gil? Yeah.
Jill with the J. Oh, I was going to say, I was like, gross. She's living in a garage in the back of, in the back of my, Jake, leave me alone. What's guilt? What's guilt? Wife's name again.
Alice. Alice, that's right. Good lord, Jake. Is there any photos of Alice and Alice's kids on your wall, Gil? Mostly, first of all, it's Gil. And most of all, there's no photos of Alice, but most of the walls are taken up with memorabilia from a long career in broadcasting. It's all photos of you, correct? It's all photos of me or journalistic moments that I've experienced. You with Muhammad Ali, there was a bunch, I remember. There were a lot of those. There was a lot of those. Yeah, that was from one fight, by the way.
Yeah, you weren't broadcasting it. That was the first selfie. Not a lot of people realized that was probably the first selfie. I was the only guy taking the camera on myself with Muhammad in the back. Cash is clay, but I respect him enough to call him Muhammad Ali. Amazing of you. Well, listen, you got to be a big guy. Boy, it's really good to be out the box. Let's get into this, Gil. What are your politics? Sure, let's party. What do you think of Ukraine? All right, we're going. We're going.
You don't want to get me started. No, we don't. So, Jessie, so we're going to talk to your dad right now, and the goal is to get your dad to agree to put some photos of Jill's kids on the wall, correct? Or to get this ugly photo of me with a weird hat off the wall. Is that what this is all about? Is this all just to combat a weird hat picture? There's always an answer right before. Jessie, answer the question now.
Jesse. Yeah. Shocking. Yes. Shocking. This is quite a revelation. Jesse, you fucked us. So Jesse, you smokescreened us. You smokescreened us. So is the real heart of this call to remove a hat from you? You killed us, Jesse.
Well, it's both. No, Jesse. Is it? Our show's humiliating, Garrett. The whole thing is to ask this woman's dad to release what now we're going to need, Jesse. We need the photo. We need the photo of that weird hat. Yes, we need the photo. Okay.
We need the photo, A. And B, imagine if we didn't just get that last nugget. I mean, we'd be talking to her dad like, look, she really cares about the second family. Yeah. What if we get an aura frame just for your girlfriend's kids? Would you be open to that, Chris? Yeah.
While Jesse's just like, I know where you could put it. Yeah, wasting time, wasting time. Boring, boring. There's a terrible photo of me in a weird hat. It could go where that hat pic of me is. Really fast, before we get your dad on, Jesse, will you explain what the photo's all about? Why you want to get rid of it? What is the photo? Let's just all visualize it together. Yeah. So when I was 18, so it's an old photo. I'm 31.
I did a senior photo shoot, but like the photographer I did it with would do two photo shoots at once. So you went to like several different locations. But so this other girl was there that I didn't really know. Like we went to the same high school, but I didn't know her. And she had this like fedora and...
And it was not anything I personally ever would have worn. But the photographer like really got on this kick that this one area and my outfit and this girl's fedora like needed to be combined. And so the photographer had me pose with the fedora and I'm like holding the brim. Oh, wow.
I'm like holding the brim of the fedora and like looking up. It's like a very posed, awkward, and it's something I never would wear. And he has it printed and framed. Oh God, this is good stuff. Garrett's great find. Well, I mean, listen, it's, she, she floated it out there. It's just great. You gotta get your nose on. But I, I think, uh,
Okay. Well, I think that first of all, let me just say this very quickly. That's why you don't take a picture you don't want to take. And I've seen you do this. I've seen you do this where it's like you're not going to say something if it's not because then they have it.
don't give them the cannon fire hey do the one thing where you hate really fast and then we won't use it if we don't like it yeah you won't use it if i don't do we're not going to tell the editor yeah exactly right um okay yeah let's bring chris in and let's are you feel ready to go and jesse when we bring your dad on i want you to start talking and explain everything you comfortable doing that oh gosh or do you want us to do it what do you prefer we can't just
Can we do it together? Yes, we can. We're here to help. That's our job. And I just sent the photo. We're bringing in her dad. Can we see the photo? Let's see it at the end. Here he comes. Hello. Hey, Dad. Hello. Chris, how you doing?
Great. How are you? Good. Thank you for joining our podcast. We're here to help. I'm Jake Johnson. This is my guy. Gareth Reynolds. Hi, Chris. Big fan. What are you a fan of, Gareth? The walls and photos? I love Chris's whole thing. I think Chris is a great guy. We're both big fans, Chris. Big fans. Everything we hear, we love. And so, Chris, do you know any reason why you're on this podcast today, or has your lovely daughter filled you in or no?
She has not, other than she did mention it had something to do with her sister. Oh, okay. So I want to start by saying this. The stakes are very low. This is not serious news. You got nothing to worry about.
Okay, good. So take all the anxiety down. We're going to be at a one on this one. This is going to be as small time as it gets, my man. That's good. That's my level. Me too. If I was on one and my one daughter said I have news on the other one, I'd be like, cool it with your small talk and tell me what's happening. So I'm going to tell you, the end of this, you're going to go, that's ridiculous. Welcome to the show. So Jesse, you want to start filling your dad in a little bit about what's cooking here?
Yeah. So, it's not about Dylan. I lied to you. It is about the fedora hat. She's done that to both of us.
That's the first time she's ever lied to me. No, it isn't, Dad. No, it isn't, Dad. Great fish. You just fell for it for a lot of years, my guy. Okay, so keep going, Jessie. It's about the fedora picture. Okay, keep going, Jessie.
It's about this 13-year-old picture of me in somebody else's hat that needs to be taken down. And what would you like it replaced with, Jessie? Well, I did try to come on here and pretend that maybe I'm a better person than I am. This is shocking. My suggestion is that it could be a photo of Jill's children, but really it just could be anything else of Jill's kids.
So that they can be represented. So Chris, we're going to fill you in on how your daughter lied to us. She called in and the original premise... It's the first time she's ever lied to us. Well, we've got that in common. The original premise of this was my dad really loves me and my sister and his house is covered in photos of us, but not of his girlfriend's kids. And I think there should be some of them.
And we thought... So we spent an episode, some of the episode, trying to solve that problem. Maybe she could take a picture down and replace it up. Yeah, we were pitching an AuraFrame. We love AuraFrame. We were pitching AuraFrames, maybe just of her kids. There was some odd pushback, if memory serves. But anyway, we're in what we call a follow-up. So this is like the second call.
And we knew that... We knew very early we were going to talk to you today, so we were kind of, you know, prepping to tell you what's going on. As we nudged, I wouldn't even say pushed. I wouldn't even say... I wouldn't say pushed. Jesse slowly and subtly revealed that... What the call is really about. That this picture that she's pitching, this aura frame, could probably go in the spot where there's this ugly hat picture that she hates. And slowly, with a little more digging, we discovered that...
The magnanimous gesture of putting pictures of Jill's kids on the wall was maybe not what this was about, but we just hate that goddamn hat picture. So we're going to you, Dad. What do you think about the weird fedora hat picture? What do you think about retiring it? Now it's your turn to talk, Chris.
I'm a big fan of that picture, honestly. I don't know what her issue with it is, but she did mention it when she was here. But it's been very near and dear to my heart. Okay, that's nice to hear. And so you're saying, and so what's that? We've got the picture ready. Maybe now's a good time to look at it. Yeah, we can maybe weigh in with it. Yeah, okay.
Okay, hold on. So we're seeing the photo. This will be on our socials. Yeah. It's definitely a photographer's choice. Also, Jesse, what is that facial expression? It feels like the sun's in your eye. I didn't want to wear the hat. Okay. I'm going to be honest.
It's worse than I thought. I'll be honest. When she was describing it, I sort of thought she had it at chest level. Was holding it. Was holding it. You're actually wearing it with a jaunty top of the morning to you gesture. But you have a stomach ache. It feels like you ate something bad. Yeah.
And your stomach is not in a great zone, but you go like, but before I run to the bathroom, let me take this quick pic. Yeah. So, Dad, what do you love about this photo? This is near and dear to your heart. What do you love about it? And then we're going to let you talk, Jesse. Well, I wish I had it in my hands right now so I could like go details. So it's the, it's a plaid fedora cap. Yeah. Gotcha. It's just, it's your girl. You love her.
And she looks beautiful and her eyes stick out. And I don't know. I just have always liked it since I first saw it. By the way, Jesse, I'm back to, I like this guy. What a dad, what a winner. I knew coming on that that was going to lose you. Yeah, it's tough. But let's go to Jesse for a second. Okay. So Jesse, why do you hate this pic?
It's just a lot of better. I can't answer. Yeah. Gareth, why should she hate this pic? It's the jaunty tip of the weird fedora. It is. It's like you can tell she's in discomfort with this proposition from the photographer. Okay, you know what we're going to do, Gareth? I have an idea if everybody's comfortable with this. Chris, do you mind if Gareth pretends to be your daughter for a second and sees if he can convince you to take that photo off the wall?
Well, that's kind of weird having a guy try to convince me he's my daughter. Tris, believe me, once I get into character, you're not going to feel weird about it. You will. You'll feel worse. Jake, please. Jake, please. Jake will probably try to jump in as a landlord or something. That's his thing. Can I ask one question before we start, Jake? Yeah. Sure. Do we have any more pictures from this session? There's tons. Okay. All right. Great. All right. I'm ready to start. With the hat or without? Without the hat. Okay.
tons without a hat okay unfortunately about five more with a hat okay so then chris at the end of this when you have the thing with gareth we're going to ask you what your final decision is okay okay hey dad yes hey it's me jesse your daughter your voice has changed matt listen life's changed dad and that's kind of where i'm headed with all this
I love the aesthetic of your home, first of all. And I think it's great what you and Jill have built here. I just love it. Hey, it's me, Jill. I would speed this up, honey. Quiet, Jill. Because it is a follow-up. Yeah, I understand, Jill. Relax. What did I tell you, honey? I'm going to go back in the sauna. Yeah, go back in the sauna. Or not honey, dad. Jeez. Whoops, that was bad. Listen, the picture of me with the fedora on the wall, I don't love it. It makes me look awkward. I don't like that that's maybe if someone comes to your house, their first introduction to...
who I am. I'm not a fedora person. I was wondering if you could replace it with a different picture from that shoot. Maybe one without the fedora. Maybe you and I could pick it together and it would be nice to go through all those old pictures. Before you answer, Chris. Ooh, you would love to do that? I was going to say before you answer, before you answer, because you're right there. Jesse, will you do a quick pitch to your dad now?
Asking him to replace that picture, the reasons why, and maybe a solution? I feel like I could do that. Okay. I've already lost myself where if he likes the photo that much, maybe it just gets moved with different, less prominent shelf. Hmm.
Or it stays. I don't know. I'm losing my own argument. Well, no, it's important to you. So I think, listen, your dad sounded open to something like that. Jesse, we had it. Dad, I was just trying to give you the way dad had already said to fake Jesse. That sounds wonderful. We could pick one together. Dad could still keep this picture in his room or someplace else.
We were right at a moment. Go ahead, Chris. I can always move it to my studio and I would be happy to do that because then I can still see it and you don't have to be embarrassed when the rest of the world who is never here anyway comes to see it. This is so many better photos of me. Yeah.
It means that I like the picture too because it's a picture that my mom had all the way up until she passed. And that's where... Oh, well, now I really lost my argument. You're done. It's over, Jesse. I'm 100% with Chris. Sorry, Jesse. Not only do you keep the picture, Chris, I think you should blow it up and make a wallpaper and cover all your walls with it. No, Jake, Jake, overcorrection. I'm 100% with Chris. Overcorrection. Jake jumps fast. Hold on, Jesse. Your next arm tattoo, Gareth, is going to be this.
By the way, anywhere here to help fans who have written and you have had some, what should I get tattooed? It should be this picture. We've got, no, no, Jake, no. Jesse, that's not going to happen. I've been waiting for the right first tattoo my whole life. Get it right on your calf. Jake, you just jumped ship so fast. This is what I would pitch.
Why don't we, what about this as a last ditch pitch? Okay. What if we get another aura frame and we put in there a number of pictures of Jill and her kids and in the aura frame, we put this image as well. So it's on a rotation. Or here's another pitch, Chris, and you, then you decide what you want to do because your daughter has made it very clear. If your final decision is you keep the picture where it is,
I think Jesse's fine with that. But what about if we move that picture with the hat to your studio and then we replace it going back to the original call with a photo of maybe all five kids. And then next time Jill and her sister are in town, you guys can do a fun, silly one where all the five kids get together wearing fedoras. Okay.
What about that? All five of the kids doing that pose and that goes on the wall. A trauma fedora callback. And this one goes in the studio. What do you think of that? I think it'd be a great idea. I do too. A top of the morning from all of them. A top of the morning from all of them. Jesse, the weirdest contract in the world sits before you. Your father has signed it. Will you also put your John Hancock on this paper?
He's going to do the Irish accent. That's my fault. Now that's on me. No, Chris did it. I know he just did it. Yeah, he likes to do that. What do you think, Joyce? Are you going to sign this? Is this going to be our weird bell ring? That can be the weird bell ring. You're going to do it.
Okay, great. Then can you do something? I might look more sick in the new one. So, Jessie, you have to do this then for the show. You've got a run point on this. When's the next time you're going to be with your dad and see him? He wants to know the answer to that question, too. I don't know. It's going to be a while.
It'll be a long follow-up. I mean, we're across the country. That's true. That's true. Okay. So then what we'll do is we'll plan for the final follow-up after you guys get together and you guys all five do that photo. Sounds good. Oh, God. I think I made my problem worse. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. It's called We're Here to Hurt for a reason. Chris, are you happy with this?
I'm very happy with that. And I would be even happier if it happened sooner rather than later. It feels like Chris called the show. I'm with Chris now. I know. You completely jumped Jesse's ship. But Jesse lied to us. In the middle of it, she said, I don't even have my argument anymore. I got to find the winner here. There were some missteps, and I think a big one was...
When you revealed that this call was actually about the fedora picture. We didn't have a lot of lead up to figure this one out. So Jesse, you're an absolute winner. Chris, thank you. Thank you. You guys seem to have a lovely family. See each other soon. Please follow up with that photo of five, Jesse. It will be so good.
Okay, thank you so much. Thank you. We appreciate it. And I'll be moving the picture upstairs today. Hey, okay, that's a big win. No, you can leave it. Oh, what the hell? Jesse, he wants to. It's upstairs. Jesse, just a little consistency is what we're looking for.
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I'm good. How are you? Good. Can we get your name, please? My name is Brian. Brian. Brian, where are you calling from?
I'm going to be vague. I'm calling from New England. Brian, I'm going to ask you really quickly. Are you okay? Are you on the run? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm a little stressful. So we weren't going to do the call, and then I was like, oh, okay, I can let my guard down. And then two seconds ago, I got an email like, oh, we can squeeze in. We're back. Yeah, I'm a little frazzled. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Baby, be frazzled. Be frazzled. Let's just jump right in. You take over. Let yourself run wild. What's the problem? Where are we at?
All right. So here we go. So I'm sitting in my office. I work at a super small community college in New England, as I said. I work in like athletics and student life. So I got like students around all the time, like stopping in my office. Like most of my day is just hanging out, chatting with students, which is great. It's fine. A couple of these students decided that they're going to leave
a fish on my desk. A real life fish. A beta fish. Like, you know, the ones that come in a little cup? Yeah. So they thought it was a funny prank. And I'm like, oh, that's kind of clever. Which is fine. But then I'm like, okay, now what do I do? Like, you guys taking this back? And they're like, no. It's your fish. You gotta take it. So my problem is now...
I have this fish and I mean, I did some research. I'm like, okay, I can handle a bait of fish. They come as a cup. It can't be that hard. I did a quick Google search. It says, get a little fish tank. It'll live and you feed it food and it's fine. Um, the problem comes in. Apparently our college here has all these fish experts and everybody now that comes to my car, it comes to my office is telling me that I'm mistreating this fish and it needs to have a filter and it needs to have a
a heater and it needs to have a bigger tank. And, and I didn't even want this fish to begin with. So I'm like, now what do I do? I mean, fundraiser fundraiser. Great, great opening pitch to all these people who are giving you community notes, community, let them know, throw a little money in the till. Yeah. You know, I would say, go ahead. You go ahead, Brian.
Well, I thought about that. I thought about putting a suggestion box and I would have it go straight to the trash because my trash cans are out there because I think I'm just more annoyed with them. There's just so many ideas. Yes. And it's... You know what? I mean, I've... Brian, it sounds like you're at the end of Goodfellas with this fish. Like you sound like you are spent on this whole fish experience. You know what I would say?
Try to give someone else the fish. Some of these people. What happened, Brian? Well, there's just, I'm pretty sure I know who gave it to me. And I tried, I'm like, hey, can you take responsibility for this? He's like, oh, no, I don't know. I don't know. I've tried. Everybody that comes with suggestions, that's my first thing. It's like, do you want it? You can have it. You can have all of it. You can have the tank. You can have the little rocks. You can have all of it.
But it's not a bad idea, but I just can't get it. I don't have any takers. I've tried. Brian, here's what I think. I think you're stuck with the fish. I think – I know it. I know it. But here's what I would say we're not going to do. I don't think it's take your suggestions and shove them up your ass, right? But I'm like you in that if someone's given me a suggestion without –
And then I don't need to hear it. So what I would do is I'd put a sign out front that says, suggestions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they stink. And then I would write, but if you think I'm doing something wrong, bring me your suggestion in physical form. And I'm happy to put the fish in the tank that you provide.
Okay. Because if somebody comes and goes, you need a filter, get out of here. If they go, I bought you a filter, then you go, install it. Now it's got one. But this is a community project. I'm not going out and buying a filter and figuring it out. If you want rocks, get the rocks. The opinions are like assholes is a strong start. What if you did what's called like a fish raiser?
And you, that sounds like we're cutting the fish, but a fish dash razor, um, where you put on there almost like people have those like Amazon wishlists where you put the things that you're looking for, uh, like a registry. And these are things that the fish, you didn't want the fish. You've ended up with the fish. Here are things you're told the fish needs, uh,
and put a little, oh gosh, yeah. So we have a photo of the fish and it's just in like, it looks like a little thing of Tupperware.
Well, I did move it. I put it came in and actually I sent that because it was 50% off when they bought it. So I think it was already on its last leg. Um, but, uh, but I have it in a bigger tank now. I did put it in like a, I don't know, a two gallon or one gallon tank. It's like a little bit bigger than that. But you're getting suggestions of what you should do with it, right? Yeah.
Oh yeah. Lots of them. And they're worried it's thick. They're like, Oh, it's got to fin rod. It's a, I, my biggest worry is like, if I keep ignoring him, I'm going to end up with a protest on campus. They're going to call Peter or something. Well, there's a couple of things. One, you know, I understand being like your fish's skin is rotting. Let's try to, let's try to make a U-turn on this situation. Hey, my man, it's dying. Yeah, it's dying. So let's save Brian. Have you named the fish?
Well, no, they put a name on it. They put my name and Junior on it. So they're calling it Brian Junior. Brian Junior. So Steve Berg, friend of show, has a cat named Steven Junior, which I've always loved. I think that's great. I would say, listen, outside of the worry that you're going to get a protest over this fish,
I would say, why don't you try to make the fish a thing that is not going to be a problem for you by doing something where you are asking for these certain things. You could post a picture of Brian Jr. I would say lean into the Brian Jr. Yep. You know, put up a couple
things around that explain what's going on. You don't know how to take care of a fish. Someone just gave you a fish, but you are where you are now. You want the fish to be okay. These are the things you need. If anyone has them or can acquire them, that would be appreciated. That way you kind of cover your bases either way. But I think we're all rooting for Brian Jr. to turn the corner. One more time really fast, Brian. What is the specific question again?
well I guess my specific question is I mean it really is just like what should I do with the fish because in my mind I'm like part of me just wants to like flush it and like be done with it because it's literally sitting on my desk but then yeah I know I get in trouble and where do I invest in it's really not that expensive I mean we're talking like 25-30 bucks for like a
tank and a filter but more of it is in my mind it's the principle like i didn't buy this fish i didn't want this fish but let me ask you a question brian what do you actually need for because so the there's a bunch of kind of side streets on this it's people are giving suggestions uh you don't know what you want to do with it do you kill it do you give it to somebody else so our pitch to you is
Just get a nice cage and a nice little tank, nice filtering system, a couple of stones at the bottom, one of those little treasure chests so it can swim around. Make it a nice little environment for it. The little guy's probably going to die soon anyhow, but let him have a nice run. Now, is that...
Is that answering the question of what you're looking for? Because then if it's a question of the money, we can look, I could Venmo you money for that. No, it's not that it's more the principle. Like, again, I go back to like, I didn't want this fish to begin with, but I do. I, I don't disagree. I think you're right. I think I probably just need to like suck it up and, and, and, but I would, I would, but I would lean, I would lean in.
And I wouldn't just, like, I would lean in and give Brian Jr. the greatest life possible. I agree. Yeah, make it a community fish. Make it a community fish. Maybe we get some help. You know what? Why don't we do this, Brian? Why don't we come up with an email you could send to the community? Do you have an email list you could send out? I do. So let's do this. I do. It would be a photo of the fish.
Then you write, Brian Jr. has been dropped off at my house or dropped off at my desk. He is without parents. He's without a home. I have decided out of the goodness of my heart to be Brian's father. I am a first-time fish owner, and I am lost. If anybody has an old tank at home,
Please bring it in. If anybody knows how to set up a filter, if anybody has any stones or they want to bring something for his tank, please donate immediately. The bigger the tank, the more toys, the better. Brian's a sweet little fish and he deserves a great life. Let's, as a community, give Brian Jr. the life that Brian Jr. deserves.
And then sign it, Brian Sr. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. And then that's a great letter. I think that's right. Donations accepted immediately. I would put a picture so that people can see that maybe he needs the help. I put a picture of him in his small tank. That's exactly right. I've seen into that a little bit. Willing to accept old tanks. Yeah. So there's probably somebody there who's like,
I had a bunch of, you know, I had iguanas, but I don't use it anymore. Well, guess what? Fill it with water. It would be great if Brian Jr. was in a massive tank. Yes. Well, my office isn't that big, guys. Brian, we're getting a big tank. Just get in the passenger seat. Let Jake drive. But, Brian, what do you think of a letter like that going out?
I think that's a good idea. That way, at least I'm not annoyed with the situation of going out and buying a tank that I'm just annoyed with. Let's do this really fast. Can you pull up on a screen and start writing an email? Yep. Yeah, I started before, but you're talking way too fast. Okay, but then I want you to actually write it.
Yep. And just as you're writing it, say it out loud. We'll get a sense of it and then make sure you attach the photo and then send it off. See what happens. Got it. So we got Brian Jr. has been dropped off at my desk. He has no parents, no siblings. He's all alone. Good. He needs, I should say he has no house, no home also. No parents, no siblings, no proper home. He's a foster fish. He's got nothing. Yeah.
And you've decided he'll be yours. Yes. No, I've decided he'll be ours. Yes. There we go. He needs a proper home. He needs a proper home from this community. From this community. I've decided he will be ours.
Okay. If you have any of any fish
Fish-related... Fish-related items. Yeah, fish-related housing. By the way, fish-related housing. Fish-related housing, i.e. a bigger tank. A tank. A filter. A heater. Those weird stones. Heaters. A treasure chest that opens from a skeleton. That weird little net thing. Yeah, the net thing. Okay, a tank. Filter. Then I would put something in there. Heater. And then you could just write ETC.
Then I would write, in the past few days I've gotten to know Brian Jr.'s story and he has not had the easiest journey. I've gotten to know Brian Jr.'s story. But he deserves a great ending.
He was 50, I should say he was 50% off when I met him. That's great. Excellent. Title. Excellent. Okay. That's good. Okay. I think I got it. Let's hear it. All right.
Brian Jr. has been dropped off at my desk. He has no parents, no siblings, no proper home. He's all alone. I've decided that he will be ours. He needs a proper home from this community. If you have any fish-related housing that you would be willing to donate, i.e. tank, filter, heater, rocks, please let me know. No, please donate immediately.
Donate immediately. Okay. In the past few days, I've gotten to know Brian Jr.'s story. He was 50% off when I first met him. He's had a tough life. What do I go from there? He's had a tough journey. He's had a tough journey. Let's make this second half of his life glorious.
Gareth, what do you think? Yeah. Okay. Glorious. I would also make sure you attach the picture, and you could even say at the beginning, you know, meet Brian Jr. Yes. He was dropped off at my desk. I think that's right. Yep. Got it. And then I would write, time is of the essence. We don't know how long we have with this sweet, sweet boy. Please donate immediately.
Before his life is 100% over. All right. I don't think we need that last part. Okay. It's starting to turn ransom. The sweet, sweet boy. It's getting a ransom tone. Okay. Okay. You got it. The sweet, sweet boy. Yes. Sincerely, Brian Sr. Sincerely, Brian Sr. Great ending. Sincerely, Brian Sr. Sincerely, Brian Sr.
And then, you know, you attach the photo and send it to, and then you could write, they all know, everyone will know where to donate it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can just, I mean, they'll know where the email came from, so they know where my office is on campus. So just, yeah, I would say just donate it here. You could leave it outside or inside. Yeah. I think we're in good shape. I do too. Yeah, I think so. I feel good about this. Yeah, you feel like I'm like, you sound calmer. You sound less stressed out. You sound calmer. I don't know.
Yeah, I am. I am. I feel good about this. Well, Brian, send the email and let us know what happens. We're definitely at Brian Jr.'s corner. A hundred percent. All right. I'll make sure that you guys get a copy of the email that goes out so you get the picture and then the full effect. All right. All right, Brian. I hope somebody steps up to the plate. I think they will. I think they better. And you too a little bit.
Take it easy, man. Okay. That was nasty. We didn't need that. That's not nasty. He was talking about flushing it four minutes ago. He's not gonna. I know. He was desperate. All right, Brian Sr. Thank you. See you. Thanks, guys. Have a good one. Yeah, bye. Hello.
Hello. Hi there. Welcome back. Hi. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. We know you're a follow-up, but we don't know who the hell you are. So could you remind us who you are and what your call was and all that good stuff? Sure. So my name is Brian, or Brian Sr., and I had some students that dropped a fish off in my office. Oh, nice.
You were the man who hated the fish. Yeah. I would have been burdened with it. Hey, senior, I've been thinking about this one. Will you walk us through the situation again, even though we might attach it, it's always nice to kind of recap, and then what we advised and what you did?
Yes. So, the situation was I work at a small college and some students just decided to drop off a betta fish that they got for half price at a pet store apparently. They had a 50% off discount thing on it. They just dropped it off in my office and
I thought I could do the right thing, and I got a little container, and I had them in a little bowl. It was a reasonable-sized bowl, I thought. But I had a—and then I—a bunch of students just felt like I wasn't taking good care of the fish, and I kept getting students that would stop by and give me a hard time and hassle me about he needed a filter and he needed lights and he needed a heater and all kinds of stuff like that.
So that was where it started. And so you all, you guys' suggestion was to kind of put it back at the community and say, hey, this fish needs a proper home. So let's see if we can, let's see if anybody wants to like help out and go find a container for them, all that stuff. So that's where we were. We emailed everybody this suggestion and request. Oh, we did. I think so, right? We sent it out to the community. Yeah, yeah. We sent it out to the community. Oh, right.
Yeah. Oh, this is Katie Nolan. I have his email here. I have his email if you want to. Wasn't this the Katie Nolan one? The same day, but we didn't do it. Okay, it wasn't with her. Okay. Okay, so, Gareth, do you mind reading it? Hi, folks. This is the email I just sent out. Oh, this is your setup. Okay, here we go. Meet Brian Jr. Brian Jr. has been dropped off at my desk. He has no parents, no siblings, no proper home. He's all alone. I've decided he will be ours.
He needs a proper home from this community. If you have any fish-related housing that you would be willing to donate it, we'll fix that in post, i.e. tank, filter, heater, rocks, please donate immediately.
In the past few days, I've gotten to know Brian Jr.'s story. He was 50% off when I first met him. He's had a tough journey. Let's make the second half of his life glorious. Time is of the essence. We don't know how long we have with this sweet, sweet boy. Please help. Sincerely, Brian Sr. Brian Sr., this is excellent. It's great. So...
Get ready to ring the goddamn bell. Brian, what's up? What happened? Well, so yeah, I mean, it was pretty quick. There's some students that are right away. And I'm pretty sure it was one of the students that was responsible for dropping them off in the first place. But they went and found a container.
He's got a nice little place now. There's some plants in there. There's a light in there. Can we see a pic of Brian's new life? Oh, we got it. Oh, okay. Still tiny. But he's a little guy. No, no, no. This is nice. It's better. This is a big little, you know, it's a big smaller house. It's like a two bedroom. Oh, yeah. He's got rocks on the bottom. He's got a real plant. He's got a nice plant in there. And he's got the filter and all that stuff.
Yeah, it's got a filter. It's got a heater. It's got a light. Yeah. So this was donated by the community. Everybody put this together. And how's Junior doing? He seems to be doing great. He's still alive. He eats every morning. Are we seeing any physical improvement? You were saying he looked a little ragged. I think so. The students seem to think so. They stop by and they're like, oh, he looks great. He's got bends.
No, he's not dead. He's alive. Okay, okay, okay. That little spook. In the photo, there seems to be a fish at the top at a weird angle. On the other one, we've got him at the bottom swimming. We've got options. He's alive. Brian, is there any way to just get a picture of Brian Jr. with a picture of today's paper? Swimming. Swimming with today's paper.
This is great. No, this is a big win. This is a big win. And how are you feeling overall about having him now? Are you having maybe a little more investment in your partnership? I'm going to be honest. I don't know that I am. I mean, it's fine. He's over there. I mean, I feel like you guys picked up on it. I don't really care about this fish. But you know what you did, and you know what this community did, and what this show did,
Sometimes it's not about you, senior. Sometimes it's about junior. And we didn't give you a better life. We gave junior a better life. And the community dropped this joke on your lap. And you said, it ain't a joke. It's junior's life. And they said, you're 100% right. Here's a tank. Here's a heater. Here's some plants. Here's some cute flowers. Here's some weird rocks. And junior's going, my life ain't bad.
A week and a half ago, I was in a little plastic bag, but look at me now. I agree. And I, dare I say, I think it would be a very nice gesture for you to maybe send out a follow-up email to everyone and just be like, hey, you know, we really stepped up. I want to show you Brian Jr.'s new abode. I have an idea, Gareth. Go, babe. What if the email's from Brian Jr.? Oh, God damn it. Yes.
Hey, everyone. Now that I'm feeling better, I can finally email. Yes. Wanted to say thank you. Are you into this, senior? Sure. Let's type it up. Will you open up the email? The sound of Alvin grudging. Yeah. Let's keep this in mind. Gene is a young guy. Yeah. So spelling doesn't have to be perfect. Punctuation can be weird.
Okay. I agree. Hi, everybody. It's me, Brian Jr. No punctuation, no caps. Yeah. Got it.
And maybe spell Junior with two O's instead of a U. I am a fish. How about I am fish? I am, by the way, there's no punctuation in this whole thing. Yes, agreed. I'm Brian Junior. I am fish. I like new house. I like new plants. I like my food.
I love dad. I love dad. I love dad. I love you. Can I have sister?
Wait, if you put two betta fish, they fight to the death? Never mind. Get rid of it. By the way, listen to the fish doctor all of a sudden. Yeah. Merch. Fish doctor. How about this? How about this as a last line? Thank you. I love you.
Um, bye. Well, how about this? How about, love what I have. If you have anything else, okay too. Yeah. Love what I have. Want more toys. Want more toys. And then why don't, instead of thank you, why don't we say tank you? Yeah. Oh. And then Brian, when you're ready, will you read it back and,
Do you mind creating a voice for Brian Jr. on this spot? Don't think about it. Don't question it. Everything is wrong and everything is right. Yeah, he's a cutie pie. Remember that. Channel his little red ass. Okay, let me look at him over here. See what he looks like. Okay. Just get going. Who cares? Get on your knees.
Hello, everybody. It's me, Burl Allen Jr. I am fish. I like new house. I like new plants. I like love rocks. I love dad. Thank you. I love you. Bye. I love what I have. I want more toys. Thank you.
By the way, there's definitely some corrections we made you didn't do, but I think it totally works. I think this is perfect. I think the voice note is perfect. Perfect. I think you send that email. You're about to push it. Okay. Well, I was going to say, do we send the voice note along with it? I knew it. No. And then I was like, too far. Yeah. He's still working. Like people are going to be like, hey, we should probably go check on him. What's going on? Do you see the attachments? The attachment's not okay. Senior, are you going to send this email?
Yeah, I think I can send it. I can send it. Can you send it now? Just hit the send. Don't forget photos of Brian Jr. Oh, yeah. A new photo. That's exactly right.
Yeah, I'll get an updated photo. Okay, perfect. And then send it off. Will you follow up with us again? Yeah, obviously. We've got to find out what people think about this. Because it's madness. If you get new stuff now, what we're trying to do now is we're here to help Brian Jr. Yeah. Let's just give this fish the best possible life he can until, you know, lights go out and then he just becomes part of the whole consciousness. And by dare I say, I think we're breaking you a little bit, Brian Sr. I know you're saying nothing's changed. He's falling in love. That
That art's getting a little bigger. My kids get on me on this because there's all these Instagram memes of dads who didn't want the dogs, but then they spend all the time cuddling with them, and that is my reality.
My kids will come home and I'll be like, I hate these dogs and no one's around and they're both like on my lap licking my face and I'm petting their stomachs and they'll catch me. Catch you. You're like, no, get off of me. Get off of me. I'm the guy who didn't want these. Come on. So, Senior, will you, when you're ready, send us the email you sent to everybody with the photos? Yep. And quick question for the group, to you too, Brian, and you too, Nat Attack, Natalie. Should we include the voice note?
I don't think it's necessary. I don't know if I can do that. From a professional standpoint, I feel like it was just that. I don't want him to get fired. Okay. Senior, your thoughts?
I don't want to get fired. I think you did a wonderful job. All right. The bubble sound was awesome for sure. But like he said, it is a job. Okay. I get it. But it is with college kids. Jake, do you think you should attach it?
I know if I got this email and I was one of the students who gave him the fish, which is a natural role for me when I was in school, especially if I have a cool teacher who I like, who has a sense of humor, and now we're doing bits and it's connecting me to the school and I'm caring. If I got the note, I'm very happy. If I got the voice note and
and I just ripped a bong, I might die. Now let me, let me tack another reality. Let me attach another reality to this email. Let's say you're one of the students and you don't love Brian senior. You play this, you play, you play this boss. You're right. Wait, Jake, I'm a, I'm not, I'm actually on the road in Tulsa, but are we ringing the bell? Cause I think I got a bell sound effect to stand in. A hundred percent. All right, let's see what this does.
I heard nothing besides you nodding happily. Okay, it's playing. Oh, it is? Okay. Then it'll be there. Hey, Brian, thank you so much. Will you send us the new thing? This was great. Follow up, please. I will. And by the way, way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Thanks. Appreciate your help, guys. Sounds like you're in pain when you're talking to us. Do you put it up on that, Jake? Yeah, I just did. What are you feeling, my man?
No, I feel good about it. I do feel good about it. Are you happy? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm happy. I don't know about that voice note. I'm a little... We're not doing the voice note. The voice note, we're not doing it. Okay. Yeah, yeah. We're just doing the email. You feeling okay? Because it sounds like someone is putting their knuckle in your side when you're talking to us right now. No, no. I'm good. Okay. You're good. We're good. Everything's fine. All right. Good. All right, buddy. Good stuff. All right, bud. Thank you. All right. Thanks, guys. Yeah, have a good one. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hey, I'm Wayne Brady. And I'm Jonathan Mangum. And we're two big improv nerds who get a chance to play and make stuff up on shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway or Let's Make a Deal.
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