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On a Wednesday with very special episode. Feels like a Thursday. Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Long joins us. We finished the calls. We did. Great calls. Great calls. I'm excited for people to hear this. This is a banger today. Yeah. I had a teacher in, I don't want to say her name.
Who had a flatulence problem in junior high. Describe, was she a trapeze artist? She was, she taught... How is this teacher going to know we're talking about her? She, well, I know. Now I'm worried because she was a language teacher. She was a French teacher. And the first day of school, she had a Southern accent. She said, I just want you all to get the giggle. I know this can be a funny subject, but I have a gastrointestinal... And looking back, I feel...
Really bad for this bird, you know, and so of course it was tough job to have that though around kids It's seventh eighth grade come on man And so she said now I I have a condition and it causes me to fart a fart quite often. I
And so I want you to all, I know it's funny. Today, you can laugh all you, you can get your giggles out because from now on, there's to be no laughter. So I want everyone, well, I know. So what do you think happened? Every time she farted, you died laughing, got in trouble every day. Well, the first day that we could laugh, of course, you don't want to laugh when it's like, oh, it's, if you have permission to laugh, it's like. It's less funny. It's much less funny. But when you can't laugh and there's a guest. It's the funniest.
And it was in Connecticut in the wintertime, she'd have to leave the window open. Oh, poor lady. I know, I know, I know. I had a baseball coach in seventh grade or eighth grade. We were like, there's a group of us, we were on like starting to get good. And so it was like no more parents. Yeah. They brought in a guy in from Chicago who used to like play a little ball. Wow. And because we were good, the problem was, some of us, myself included, had an attitude problem. Yeah.
We didn't take the game as seriously as Coach Mike wanted us to. You don't say. And we're good. We're not that fucking good. Yeah. So let's go. So it was now he's going to run this, and if we're going to be good, we're going to be good. And me and these two other guys were just goofing around one day. And he sat the whole team down and was giving us the kind of yelling that only comes around a handful of times in your life.
He had that like Irish face, red face. Wow. Yeah. I fucking drove here for a minute. Like Ed Harris. Yes. Yeah. Drill sergeant. Where you're like, whoa. Whoa. He had. Do you want to laugh? No. I'm scared. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. This wasn't someone's dad. Yeah. Looking back, it's probably 26 year old guy, but at the time he's 50. Yeah, totally. He was like, he was an adult man. Yeah. But I was like, it's crazy. I was, I mean, also, you know, a thick two 40. And at the time I think I weighed like 70 pounds. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, he could break us all. Yeah. And then go get lunch. So I was like, yeah, no, I think this is the best way to get through to me. I was like, yeah, no, I'm going to run faster. I respect everything he's saying all of a sudden. And,
And he was squatting down and he had, back then, a look that was connected to the 70s, but people still rock him in the 80s. And that was just sweatpants cut. But he had a hole right where his chote was, and I'm not joking. And his legs were a little spread. And I didn't notice it because I was so intimidated. I was looking down and my buddy goes, you can see what it looks like. He's like, gumballs, gumballs. He goes, chewed gum, chewed gum, chewed gum. And I go like...
Huh? And he's like, gumballs, gumballs, chewed gum, chewed gum, chewed gum. And I go like, Mike, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. And he goes, in between his legs, pink chewed gum. And I look and you see a section of his sack. Yeah, yeah. It looked like chewed bubble gum or like turkey neck. Of course. Justin.
I was so afraid of laughing because I had already blown my ability to laugh. Oh, man. I was having a bad practice with attitude. Yeah. So was Mike. Yeah. If we laughed then, I'm going to get beaten up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or so yelled at to a point where I thought, I can't. I saw his red nuts. The,
That takes such, I know you. That thing. And I know that the level of fear that is required to not laugh at red nuts, exposed red nuts. And what? They're sitting there. And at that age, 13? Oh my God. Also like. I was a boy. I hadn't even gone through puberty. It's the funniest. I mean, we're talking today, we're going to be talking about body parts and stuff. It's a dream. It's easily the funniest. It's the best thing. It's still the best thing. It's the weirdest, funniest part of the body. It's the weirdest.
but i remember sitting there and i was looking at the bubble gum and then at some point somebody went like you heard in the back like and i was like uh-oh and then somebody else was like and then there was an eruption and i honest to god in my memory i don't remember what happened i don't remember ever practicing again yeah the season baseball was over for me at that point so i don't remember we might have finished the year i have no memory besides
The laughter starting and me can't catch my breath being like,
Because once other people are doing it, you can't get it. It was an out-of-body experience of joy. You're floating. It was like, I'm in the middle of the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm so happy. I bet. It's disassociating, especially at that age. God, I had a coach that reminded me of that. And he wore such high... I don't know what I would have done because I was so scared of him. I was so intimidated by him.
I ran into one of his sons recently and they said, you know, he's got real, I asked about how's your dad doing? He said, they said, he's got many heart attacks. Awful. I thought, well, yeah. He was such an angry guy. He would get so worked up. I was playing right field once and I was terrible, you know, and so they stuck me in right field and there was a ball hit directly to center field. It was easy fly ball center field and,
Everything slowed down. I thought it was mine to catch. I was gonna be the hero. Right into the center. It was like, yeah, the chariots of fire thing playing like I'm running.
And the next thing I remember, I collided with, and I heard the center fielder like, what are you doing? Like him trying to call me off, like the coach trying to call me off. Stop screaming at me. And in my head, it was like, go Justin. And I'm like, and I collided with him so hard. Like a brick wall. And the next thing I remember is just waking up to the coach's
voice just screaming at me. What? And the ball, I saw the ball, my like, just trickling in front of me. Oh no. Because the center fielder was down. I'm like, what? Screaming. I mean like, I was 14 years old, but I was tiny. Yeah. I was tiny too. Yeah. Yeah. I was always the guy holding the class sign. Oh yeah, me too. Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. To this day, when I took, I just did that show with Max. Yes. The neighborhood. And to this day, I go, they go, just what do you, I kneel down. You kneel down. Yes. By the way, I always think I got to be in the middle and I'm always going to be humiliating the teacher goes, Jake, you want to hold the sign?
I'm like, no, I want to stay in the back with the ladies because I'm taller. I'm not 3'11". You are, though, Jake. Yeah. Yeah.
You're the littlest. Yeah. And in school, when they would line you up from smallest to big, and it would be like the guys, the girls, all girls. And then they'd go like, Jake's even littler. Jake. I'd be like, hey, Sarah, move to the right. I'm all the way to the left. Jake, I didn't know this. My whole class, Judy Belotion, the one person in my entire class who was shorter than me. I swear to God. And Judy, I see her every once in a while. I thank her every time I see her. It makes sense with our personalities. It does. Look at me. I'll tell you another thing. Yeah. How late were you in the puberty game?
Oh, late. Me too. Like 17. Yeah. Yeah. So I had a... I was driving a car, you know. Late in the puberty game? Yeah. You better have a wicked tongue to talk yourself out of situations. For sure. So I had a thing where we were all... My high school had a... We had to swim in class. Puberty game. And I was sitting there...
Next to a couple of goddamn grown men. Yeah. Matt Walker, if you're listening now, Matt had a full beard. Oh, yeah. Chest hair. Yeah, like seventh grade. He was a man. Yeah. This was in high school. Oh, yeah. This was like freshman, sophomore year. He was a man. Yeah. I was sitting around a couple of men. I was a boy. It looked like they were babysitting me. Yeah, yes. But we were competing for the same ladies. Yeah, yes. And he'd be like, man, I really like Alexis. And I'm like, hey, buddy, she's mine. Yeah.
And he's like, no, she's literally not yours. You're shorter than I'm like, I don't know. There's five age. Yeah. And he's like, literally I've been through puberty, but he goes, we're sitting there next to each other. And then he goes,
Whoa, and I go what he goes dude. You don't have like any hair on your bottom And I go and he wasn't as being a bully. No, I couldn't understand what he was seeing Yeah, he can I go like yes, I do cuz I did have some leg hair. Yeah I had like baby chest hair, but there was hair I looked in the mirror at it and I go no true and he goes like no dude weird two other boys who were also fucking hairy gorillas and
Justin lifted my arms up. We're scanning my armpits for nothing. And it was at that moment I was about to be revealed. So you want to know what I honestly said? It's a condition all the men in my family have. I swear on my life. I go like this. By the way, my dad didn't raise me. I didn't even know what the man looked like with his clothes off. And I go, yeah, I go, none of the guys in my family. And Matt Ward goes, really? And I go, hell yeah. They're like dolphins. I go, yeah.
i go that one i go it's crazy i was like yeah i go none of them not one hair and then they feel bad no they were more like whoa i didn't even know that was the thing and i was like yeah
yeah, it's actually not a big deal at all. But yeah, my dad, and they were all like, whoa, it was such a weird love thing. They all stopped talking about it. There was like a weird pause and someone's like, what are you guys doing for lunch? And I was like, I would rather pretend I had an issue genetically than just go like this. Hey guys, I'm just a little further behind. Yeah. Isn't that funny? Give me six months. Yeah. Yeah, I know. And then you have to keep it up because then they see you like, then you start getting hair. By the way, the funny thing about that age,
all forgot one day i just was here and nobody went like hey what about that genetic condition you have no one cares but for me i was like when i started going through people i was like no my chest is some hair and i'm like nobody cares i know i know jake i tried out for football freshman year because my mom was like okay you can do it she thought i'd outgrow my desire to play football by then i was four at the way and i was four foot ten i weighed 89 pounds in high school
in high school and so and the rule was my favorite new realization yeah me too the the rule was if you made made it through the two weeks of training camp you got to be on the team it was the jb team but you got to be on it and that's all i wanted i just wanted a uniform a uniform i wanted the helmet i wanted the jersey and the girl you know it's good you know that's all i thought about cool guy and i made it through and and the guy closest to me in wait tan gonda if you're listening shout out thank you he was a
like 115 and we'd have to do these suicides. I'd have them on my back up and down hills. And like, I'd come home at the end of each day and I mustered enough energy to just answer my parents when they were like, how was it my mom's worried, like cutting care, how was it? And I was like, it's okay, good. I'm just gonna head upstairs for a second. And I would shut the door and I would puke
because I was so exhausted and like, you know, I made it through two weeks. I was so proud of myself. And the coach, Richie Magney, pulled me aside. He goes, come here, son. I want to talk to you about it. I'm like, oh, what position is he going to give me? He goes, listen, let me tell you something, son. You're not going to play. And I go, no, no, I know. I'll ride the bench. I'll be a backup, cornerback or something. But like... I'm on the team. I need the uniform. And he goes, you're not going to play. I go, yeah, I know. If someone gets injured though, he goes...
let me tell you something. If the whole team rides to a game on the bus and he goes, and you happen to drive separately and God forbid that bus gets into an accident, you're still not going to play.
And you know that feeling that you're the guy in football. I could feel the blood flowing, the heat and the like. And he goes, son, we got a great wrestling team. And he goes, and you'll be in your own weight category. No one will be in your weight category. So you have to forfeit every game. You'll win all the games. And I said, yeah, but it's the same time as football. He goes, you're not going to play. And he has six.
And so that's, so I tried wrestling for like a day and I was like, this is weird. And like some stranger. I tried wrestling until I quit. Yeah. And that's why, so I started acting. That is, we have a very similar arc. That's funny, Jake. I didn't know that. Neither did I. Hey everybody, stick around. I know that was a long intro. We got a great show. These calls are killers. Justin, you're the best. Yeah, the best. You are. Enjoy the show, everybody.
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Hi, good. Good. Can we get your name, please? Sure. Mandy. Hey, Mandy. That's a great name. Oh, Mandy. Thanks. Hey, Mandy. Mandy, you got a special one today. You got Justin Long. Hey, Mandy. Wow. Hi. You don't have to pretend. I felt it. I felt it. Right now, that's sweet of you to feign excitement, Mandy. No, Justin. I think it was exciting. Mandy, do people sing that song to you when they meet you?
No, just you. That's another old person thing. And what is it? You sing people's names? Oh, man, it's a Barry Manilow song. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an old person thing. Did you see the Neil Diamond clip where he's making out with a lady he brings up from the crowd?
No, but I just saw Bon Jovi do that. By the way, you and I have been sending each other a lot of incredible Instagram clips. Oh, I love Neil Diamond. I'll send it to you as soon as we get out of here. You're going to die. Like older Neil Diamond? Yes, older with a slightly younger woman. He's saying, you'll be a woman soon, girl. And then at one point he goes, she's ready. Mandy, where are you calling from?
I'm calling from New Orleans. Oh, I love it. Parkway. Parkway Po' Boys. Oh, yeah. Those are the best. Maybe the best. You ever had a Gator Po' Boy? Gator Po' Boy. I've had Gator Nuggets. Gator Nuggets. Gator Nuggets. At Giacomo's, right, Mandy? Yeah.
Yeah, those are good. I had a night with Jacques, Jacques Emo, the actual, and we got drunk on chartreuse and just, it was the first time I wore a beanie. You remember when beanies were really cool and I tried to, I was like, maybe I could be a beanie guy. Maybe I'm a dock worker. Maybe try to be a blue collar looking guy with five easy pieces.
And he took the beanie because he said, it's not you. And he gave me a bottle of chartreuse. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I never really. Yeah, that was my beanie day. But that's a great place, Giacomo's. Mandy, New Orleans. How old are you? 33. 33. What can we do for you today?
I am calling in reference of my grandma, Meemaw. Meemaw. Yeah, she's in her 70s. She has a lot of time on her hands, and she likes to do online shopping with that time. The problem is that she doesn't know how to work the internet. So there was a period where my mom was helping her, but she had to cut her off because it just...
became too much. And I somehow have gotten roped into this and I think I need Joel's help with it. That would have been me.
Around Christmas time, she asked me to order some things for my kids for Christmas and she would send me the money for it. And that was fine. And she asked for a few other things for me to order just for Christmas presents, which I was like, okay, that's no big deal. Fast forward since Christmas, I have ordered dozens of Amazon purchases for her.
Not just purchases, but I've had to deal with returns, customer service. You're becoming her goddamn assistant. Yeah, you're her shopper. Printing out return labels for her, keeping track of who owes who how much money. It's gotten to be a lot. Yeah. The latest kind of escalation of this is...
She asked me to buy, well, first, I think she's telling me some secrets and I think she has somewhat of a man friend that she's trying to impress. And she asked me to buy her $150 wig off of Amazon. Wow.
Which, this is a part of the problem. Wait, hold on. We might need a photo. I got to tell you, I'm liking this turn. Uh-huh. Because I thought it was going to be one setup. Yeah. But in the setup I thought you were doing, there was nothing to do with the wig. Yeah. Are you with me, Justin? I was like, all right, this is about you're being taken advantage of. Yeah. We got to talk to Meemaw. We got to say, hey, cool it with the shopping. Yeah, it's taking a turn. The wig. Yeah. Okay, Mandy, keep going. So Meemaw wants a $150 wig. The thing with the wig is that...
She doesn't know about the internet. So I look at the link. It has like four reviews. It has two stars. There's no like pictures of other people who have purchased it. It's $150. She's on a fixed income. Like I'm feeling bad. It's a bad way. But yeah,
Well, then she also tells me, don't tell anyone in my family. By the way, that is a joke wig. Wait, what do you mean it's a joke wig? Yeah. Like a clown wig? Like a joke, like a surprise. Like I have a wig now. Does she normally wear a wig, Mandy? No, she doesn't. So she has a full head of hair.
I mean, of grandma hair. Yeah. Explain to me what a joke was. What's with the young lady's hair? Because you mentioned there's a man in the picture maybe and she's sharing secrets with you. What does the wig have to do with the man? Is she trying to play a prank on him or trying to turn him on? Is it like a cute little bangs? Yeah, I think it is probably to woo and impress people.
the man and I think she doesn't want to share that and so she's masking it as a joke okay Mima I need a little bit of info on Mima what age we talk are we talking 60 70 80 or 90 or 100 she's in her 70s okay beginning of the later half I think she's like 72 okay she's just starting the sevens spring chicken so yeah what do we know about this uh gentleman caller
I know that he lived in the neighborhood, that he has a recently deceased wife, and that Meemaw kind of approached him to offer him comfort during that time. Oh, Meemaw a dog. Meemaw a dog. Game, no game. I'm so sorry. With that in mind, what do you think I look like in this wig?
Meemaw's getting down. You're going to need some comforting. Yes, I like that move a lot. And is the wig, would you describe it as kind of a younger looking wig? You have to get turned on for the comfort. Like a blonde or a bangy? It's a brunette, very wispy, short wig. It's a sex wig.
You'll just call it what it is. It's the drawer next to the bed where it's got some props. Right. Meemaw's got some props. Is your question, can you borrow Meemaw's wig and is that weird? And the answer is borrow it, man. Who cares? They were cleaning out my grandma's drawers before she passed. Is this a true story? True story. And they found a gum, what she described as a gum massager.
And it was, you know, it was vibrating, of course, and it was a gum massage. So everyone in the family was like, a gum massager? It made it worse because then that became the thing that everybody spread around. Like, who is a gum massager? Everybody who knew was like, ugh. It was bad cover. Next to my dad's bed, we've owned a big thing of Vaseline and a dildo. And what? A dildo. No kidding. Yeah.
Next to his bed. In like his little... Because my dad is a sensei. What's going on here? I love your dad's... Get out of here. This is not what you think. Hey, Dad, these two going next to your bed. Stop it. So...
Meemaw wants a wig. It's not what you think. What is it? You have to explain it. Then it's incumbent on you to then offer. It's none of your business, but it's not going where you think it's going. You and your brother are making this discussion. Oh, yeah, it's our fault. Yeah, we put it there. So, Meemaw, so, Mandy, were you able to say to Meemaw,
listen, you know, it has four reviews and this is like, you have to look at the reviews and the number of stars. Like, have you had that tutorial or attempted it? I feel like she's so lost on technology that that feels impossible to even explain that to her. So Mandy, here's what I need you to do for us then. This is, unless, did I cut you off too early? Do you have more set up?
The only other thing that I want to add is that I am her first grandchild and her favorite grandchild. Okay. And so whatever solution we come up with here. It just seemed like a kind of a flex on everybody else, but cool. Just in case you're. It needs to be like, I stay in Meemaw's good grace. Okay. I thought that was just in case other people in your family listened to this episode. There is one more thing I want to add. I am the prettiest in the family. I'm the coolest. I'm the strongest. I'm the best. Oh,
Also, fuck you, Jerry. Don't cut that out, please. That'd be cool. To my cousin Jerry, eat my dick, man. I'm the man, you're not the man. Feel free to put that in the trailer for this episode. But you guys produced your own show. So it's important to you that you and me, Ma, we do not want to offend her. We don't want to hurt her.
Right. Yeah. So then Mandy, what is the specific question we can help you with today? The specific question is how to cut her off because I feel like it's not slowing down. It's just increasing and also becoming more personal. So how do I either stop or slow down her demands? Yeah.
But is it the demand? Is it the... Okay, so it's not... So the wig thing was just information that's not necessary to the question. Yeah.
I'm glad you mentioned it, though. Me too. Yeah. But just in terms of what you're asking. It's just an example of the pre-question. Of the nonsense she's buying. Now I understand what you're saying. And so it's like $150 for a, like, even if you do want to turn them on, like, let's get to know this new, this gentleman of color first. But also, like, in terms of the question, like, who cares what she's buying? It's not a money problem. Well, she's saying it's frivolous stuff. It's like, it's useless. It's like a stuff store. Yeah, but is Meemaw broke? Like, is this...
Nanny, this isn't a money thing. She's on a fixed income. She shouldn't be spending $150 on a wig. Definitely not. It's all in all confusing. She's got to save up for that Gator cheesecake at Giacomo. Have you met the young man that is courting her? No, I have not. But the thing we're looking to do here is how do we... And I'm glad you said that thing about keeping the relationship good.
Because this is complicated. Yeah, it is. Because you have become, you are her fingers into the internet. And she like, and by the way, when we all first go through our first internet bender. Oh my God. It's incredible. My grandma lived to be 104. Yeah.
And I asked her, what is the biggest change? Because I was fascinated by all the things she had seen. She went to Italy when Mussolini was in power. Crazy. She was alive before the first pop-up toaster was invented. I mean, like, crazy stuff. Crazy changes. They had an ice man who would bring... And she said, without hesitating, she said... And she was sharp up until the end. She said...
the internet. It's just exponentially, it's like shocking what it did. Shocking what's happening. Yeah, and to your point, Mandy, like whenever I would try to teach her about technology, not that I know much about it, I'm a real nutty, but I knew enough about the internet, there would be a new thing, you know, technology would have advanced. Like by the time she figured out DVDs, it was onto something else. Something else jumps.
But I know, and I also know how delicate that relationship is and how important it is. But this is tricky. It's tricky. How do you broach it with her? But so what we're trying to do, and I just got to get the question, at least in our head, as clean as possible before we pitch. How do we get her to stop asking you to buy things on the internet? Yes. Okay. You don't want that responsibility anymore.
Right. And there's too many other strings attached. He's also asking about other websites. It's growing. The demand is growing. You are just, you're not looking to change the relationship. You're not looking to fix her spending. You're not looking to do anything with her and her new boyfriend who just died and she offered sex for called it comfort. We're not judging the fact that she's got a wig that is a younger lady's wig.
that she bought for $5.50, but it's low rated on the internet. None of that has anything to do with it. It's just, how do we get her to say to you, I'm done asking you to use the internet for me?
Yes. Okay, that's doable. Not to get hung up on this, it was only rated by four people. It'd be a nice way. It might be a great way. We just don't know yet. Yeah, sometimes people, yeah, for the wrong reason. Maybe it didn't do the thing they thought it would. It wasn't funny enough or sexual enough. And what have you done so far, Mandy, in terms of what have you tried to do? Let's get a sense of Meemaw. What's her vibe? Is she bitey? Is she sweet? Is she playful? Is she a rascal? Um...
I will tell you that I used an alias today because I wouldn't want Meemaw to ever know that I'm talking about her. And I can tell you ain't from New Orleans. Yes.
Because you ain't got that thing in your voice. I know that just by listening to you. We a couple of New Orleans boys. I'm on that bio there. Manny, I ain't never heard anybody from New Orleans talk like you're from New Orleans. Honey, I've been trying to find New Orleans in you, but I can't find it. There's no swamp coming out of that microphone. I'm like, where in New Orleans are you from? Connecticut? New Haven, New Orleans? Is it New Haven or New Orleans? And so here's my first pitch.
I think you say to her, hey, just FYI, similar to Lent, I'm doing a no internet April. And go, it's something that everybody's doing.
It's like what you've got to do with the internet is you do like, and you go like, oh, it's, I guess. And she goes, oh, I haven't heard of it. You go, well, yeah, right. Cause you don't know how to use it. But what people do is the way they do a dry January, the way they do something like this, you go, I, we do no internet April. So I'm just taking a break just FYI. So don't email me. I use my phone, but for texts and calls. And then if she goes, would you buy something for me? You go, well, I can't, I'm not buying anything. Yeah.
It is deceptive. Well, of course you got to lie a little bit. I mean, you got to crack some eggs to make omelets here, baby. A gator omelet, of course. Cajun omelet. Spice in there. Just to start, Mandy, when you hear that, what are your early thoughts? Yeah, what do you think? I like the suggestion, but my fear is the longevity. Oh, she'll just wait a month. Yeah. Yeah.
Are you hoping that she just forgets it and moves on? I'm hoping she finds somebody else. Okay, then let me, this might correspond to, this might be a nice segue for my pitch to you, Mandy, which is, because I went through this with my parents and I tried this and had mixed results, but I think it might work in your case. There are college kids who, this is like second nature to these millennials now. Right. And you can, and,
They like money and you can hire them. And it might be cheap to hire them as an IT specialist and assign them to Meemaw. And Meemaw, this is your IT person. Use them sparingly, of course, and hire them for a couple hours to just get Meemaw all set up.
with and then somebody that she can text if she's in trouble yeah but justin this is a huge fee for mandy that'd be a fee yeah can your family all go in on it together and can you can you you know can you commiserate with your family about and say like listen i this has been i've been saddled with this i know i'm the favorite in the family and i'm the best looking and the strongest but i but but i've been unfairly saddled with this responsibility mandy when you're hearing this what are you thinking
Can we all pitch in and get Meemaw an IT guy or girl? That idea would be good, but my family, I don't think could be it. Like, I think Meemaw has done this to everyone in the family and they have all had to cut her off. And they also get like really frustrated with her when they're like, the button is right here. Like trying to explain the internet to her that they think it's just a
her problem. So don't think they would be willing to outsource it because they think this is not something that we should outsource. I got a weird one. Tell her the internet broke. Huh. Huh. I'd like your cleanse one. I think if you say you have a lifestyle change and I'm not, it's for my mental health. Yes. But what about Mandy? Internet breaking? Mandy, what about if we go a little bit weird on Meemaw?
When I first say that, what if we do something where we say, or we get her to believe, buying on the internet is bad? It's not going to happen. She's too into it. She loves it. Mandy? She does love it. I think it's more believable that the internet's broken, though. Yeah.
- Okay. - I feel like I could get her to believe that. - Here's what I'm thinking. - But this new suitor is gonna convince her otherwise. - But here's what I'm thinking. And Mandy, if this is not something you're going to play to your Meemaw and potentially film her watching, then it's not worth doing. - Oh. - But if this is real, we could go down this road.
What if Justin and I made a clip of something that it was the announcement that the internet is in fact breaking? Yeah. Time to get off. It's taking a break. We are cutting back on internet purchasing or something of the idea that these internet, like what is something that would really like trigger Meemaw? A scam? A scam.
a scam or that like this, the products they're sending, the wigs are like the wigs are horses hair filled with lice. You know, like what could we get her that could scare her off and go like take a break or that maybe it's like an addiction. You know, me more better. Tell us a little bit about me more. Cause maybe what we're thinking of doing is how do we scare, you know,
You got to tell a kid not to touch a stove, but you don't have to put their hand on the hot stuff. Right. You just scare them away from the heat. Does Meemaw have any ethnic biases? Like maybe if we said the wig came from a certain country and... This feels like a dangerous zone for our show, yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Because you know the tone that we're trying to do here? Yeah. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean, though? I'll say if we try to convince her that the internet is broken and that it's a mass issue, she's the type of memaw that is going to post that on Facebook and she's going to want to shout it from the rooftop and people are going to comment and be like, that's not real. Imagine if our video was all over the place. I don't want my hands on this. I agree with you. But it could be that my account
- Ooh. - It's broken somehow. - Wait, hold on, Mandy. - Should we act this out? - Wait, hold on actually. Yes, but you might have just nailed something.
What if you say something broke on your account and you can no longer make purchases because there was an issue with fraud? Yeah. Because she won't understand the math of this. Yeah, a fraudster from some country. It doesn't matter which country. And what we could do is we could make a voicemail calling you saying,
And you could just send that to her and say, hey, I just got this message. I'm going to take a break buying anything from online. I got a message from the Internet. We could be the fraudulent fraudsters. Yes, but we could also be representatives of the Internet. Oh, I see. And that her account on the Internet has a call center. Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? And that what we have found with her spending, there's been fraudulent spending. Yes, exactly right. And so we're going to have to freeze her account.
in order to make sure that her money goes back. But there has been something that's been linked into her account and these scams. So for now, we highly recommend no purchasing for a while and to check your bank accounts and change all your passwords. Yeah, we don't want to scare you, but... Yeah, look, there's been no money taken. Yeah. But in the internet...
We have found on these internet channels. Your internet is sensitive now. Your internet is sensitive. So we highly recommend you don't do any purchasing from any of these accounts. Mandy, what do you think of that as a plan? I think that would be perfect. Let me ask you this. Do you think you could participate in that video without laughing though?
Probably not. Yeah. We'd have to do it separately, I imagine. Yeah. Or we'll see. We might have to do a couple of takes. Okay. I think we could do it. I think, how do you, so. So it wouldn't be a video. It would just be the audio we would send. Okay, good. We could do it. But the audio would be this, then, Mandy. You say, hey, Meemaw, FYI, you know, I got contacted by the internet and it turns out my account is
We're calling from Palo Alto. We're reaching out to inform you that there is a vulnerability in your internet and we would advise you to stop making purchases. I already, too late. By the way, yes. But that kind of voice. And exactly right. And the purchases, you should stop buying online indefinitely, perhaps go to stores. And then while you're talking, think about giving Meemaw some notes on what she should do. If you have purchases, I saw here there was a wig purchase. Mm-hmm.
Perhaps you could do that in person. They have wig shops where you're at. Yeah, and also, or maybe you go the route, you want to support local businesses, especially in a place like New Orleans. Well, we don't want to say New Orleans because there's no way that Mandy's from New Orleans. Right. But does that... That part's true. Are you? And do you call Meemaw, because I know a lot of Southern, Meemaw is a fairly common name for a grandma. Do you actually call her Meemaw?
Yes. Okay, great. Okay, so Mandy, if we pull this off and we get like a minute thing, are you going to try it? Yeah, definitely. She would definitely buy into if she hears something that's official. Official. We have to sound official. It's got to be the internet is broken and you should be on a freeze for three to six months.
Yeah, that's right. And just take a long break. And we're sorry to report this, but take a break. Official statement. And then how are you going to get it to her? Are you going to call her? Are you going to email it to her? What are you going to do? I go to Meemaw's house every Wednesday to watch Survivor. So... That's sweet. So you'll just... Yeah. Is there any way that you could film...
watching this? And I know it's hard because it's on your phone, which is where the thing's going to be, so we need another thing. You need a friend's phone. But can you... Yes, I could arrange that. And can you do that in a way where Mima has no idea so she's not hamming? Yes. And we have to hope that this gentleman caller isn't internet savvy. He's not. He sees through this. He's fallen for the wig routine. But it might count. That's the thing. Yeah. He's like, oh, yeah, it's just your... Well, now you look younger than hell. Yeah.
Look at that full head of youthful hair. I could have sworn yesterday you had different hair. It don't matter. Nope. I like it both ways. Wow. I'm needing a little bit more comfort. That's a real looking wig there. I'm going to leave a nice review I think you can do on that. Two out of five stars. I ran my hands through it. Felt like a real thing. I'm going to put that on there. Got lice. So let's try this, Mindy.
Is there any information about you that we could beep out of the show that we could say at the beginning that helped make it seem official? Uh-huh. You could say my real name. Yeah, what is it? You've been trapped. This was a setup.
So really nice. Get back to me. Y'all are dead. By the way, I agree. I'm afraid of me. No, I don't want to. So, and then what's your last name? And I'm only saying that because I think it's going to make me mom, make it feel more real. Say it again. Okay. So then Rob obviously knows he's not going to forget. He'll beep all that out. So now, and then just so we know the setup, cause it'll change how we do it. Will you,
Tell us what you're going to say to Meemaw before you play this. I'm going to be like, hey, Meemaw, I got this weird voicemail from, I guess it's from people at Amazon. And they said that they're putting a freeze on my account. Oh, dear. But listen to this. Okay, great. And you can just play it right there on your phone. Yeah, I have it right here. Okay, you ready? Okay.
do you want to start us um i want to go from a nice like a okay who would it be is that too soothing is that you think justin's voice is going to work like this you can give some direction we are calling from the internet the internet center yeah here in palo alto california but you gotta hold on i can't be interrupting we gotta do it clean yeah okay so how's that voice
Mandy, you happy with that? That's kind of professional, yeah. Okay, three, two, and let's try the whole thing under two minutes. Okay. Three. Are you taking over at some point? Sure. Okay. Give me one of those and I'll start going. Okay. Three, two, one. Hello, man.
My name is Cliff Peterson. I'm calling from the Internet Call Center here in Palo Alto, California. Unfortunately, there's been activity on your account that seems suspicious to us. We advise a three to six month freeze. Three to six months at a minimum, because what we're talking about here is you got to stop using the Internet here because your information has been leaked.
It is an issue that we are concerned enough to have made this call, and we are hoping that none of it has gotten out there. Well, yeah, but Cliff's calling you from headquarters. I'm calling you from NOLA. And I'm here to tell you, your online purchases...
It's seen everywhere. That's right. Hagen is our local representative on the ground where you are. And he has alerted us here in Palo Alto. And we have decided that we need to make this phone call. We got to make this night and easy. Yeah. We got to start going to local play. You want to buy a wig? Buy a wig.
You want to buy a sandwich? Buy a sandwich. But you can't buy it online anymore. You can't be using Amazon. You can't be using his website. You can't go to Target.com. You go to Target. Yes, we advise in-person purchases. 100%. And everybody using your account is vulnerable. That's right. So we hope this didn't scare you. It was not our intention. But I also hope that family is scared of you.
Because your information could get stolen. Your money could get taken. You could end up with nothing. That is true, Hagen. So we hope this message finds you well. And thank you so much for heeding our advice. What do you think? We lost her. We lost her.
I'm feeling, before you give yours... I like your guy. I like your guy. I think together it was a hell of a team. I'm feeling confident it was the Internet Call Center New Orleans, but your vote's the only vote that matters. How are you feeling?
I will say when Hagen came into the scene, that I personally stopped believing, but I think it would make Meemaw believe more. That's why I did it! Yeah, yeah. Because I was thinking, this is really great, but this is some California stuff. Yeah. This is the call center. I'm just a Meemaw from New Orleans. Yeah, you want... I want her to go, I'm not doing that anymore. Yeah, you want the real...
But we got both. Yeah, we got both. So, Mandy, do you think this is something you would actually play? Do you think it's going to actually work? Yes. And I think that y'all have the information where you referenced buying a wig. That will put her on even more alert that it's real. Like, oh, they know that we got a wig. So I'm feeling very confident in the success. Will you please film me while watching this?
Will you really do that? Because that would be the funniest. That would be the funniest. Meemaw going, and then keep filming her reaction after. Like, what do you think, Meemaw? Because if she goes like, I'm not using the internet anymore. We've won to such a degree. And if she says thank you to you, could you imagine the victory we're having here, Mandy? The part of that video I'm most excited about is when Meemaw's face changes when your voice comes in. I want...
I want to see how she processes Hagen. So, Mandy, you've called in, and I got to tell you, this one was a little tricky. Yeah. But I think we landed someplace pretty great, but I need to know from you, where are you at here? What are you going to do? Yeah, I...
I wasn't confident y'all were going to be able to find a solution just because it is so nuanced. It's tricky, but I think we nailed it. But I do think that this was perfect. I feel really good, too. And I'll also say, just in terms of if you ever call in another show like this, in terms of the setup, you don't have to mention the wig. Mandy just took us down a super weird road. You know what I mean? I'm glad she did. I'm glad you did, too. Because I'm getting a visual I would love. Don't you want to see a picture of the wig? Yes. And me wearing it. Has she worn it publicly yet?
No, it was something that was opened and then she asked for a return. Oh, you had to go to, you had to go return, obviously, because you're her online shopper. She just put it in a box and sent it to the, she didn't go to the wig shop. Well, she probably went to Whole Foods, right? Is that what you did, Mandy? Oh, is that where you returned? Yeah. Yeah.
I think she brought it to the FedEx, but I had to share the wig so that y'all saw how much the demands were increasing. Mandy, if I'm honest, I just said it to tease you, but I'm glad we got that piece of information. I just did it for the joke. She did it as a joke, but also to turn on the gentleman caller. Yeah, that's exactly right. I like your natural hair. So we, Mandy, we need you. You don't need to go fluffing yourself up. We need you to follow up on this one.
Okay. This video is important. If it goes sideways, you got to film that too. And if we have to, we're going to bring Mima on and here's what we can do in case it goes sideways. We'll apologize. We'll apologize. Okay. And we'll say we called you. She has no idea how podcasts work.
Okay, I like that. Like an old radio show. Yeah, she'll go, what's going on? We'll go, we found this out. We called her. We did it. We bullied her into it. We're the bad guys. Don't say it's a podcast. Say it's a radio show. It's a radio show. I don't mean to be ageist, but we don't have to confuse her. Well, it's a radio show on the internet. Yeah. It is what it is. It's true. Podcast is a fake word. It's true. Rob, what does podcast mean? Podcast. I'm wondering where that came from. It came from Apple. Yes. Yes.
So please follow up, but we're not going to leave you on the hook on this one. If it goes south, we'll help you. If it's a big win, which is what I think it'll be, we all celebrate together. See you down in the islands. Thank you. Bye, Mandy. Bye, Mandy. Thank you. Bye. Thank you, Dale, very much. Can we get your name, please? Hi, I'm Stone. Hey, Stone Fury? Stone. Have you ever seen Windy City Heat? Yes.
Windy City Heat. No, I have not. I'd recommend it with a name like Stone. Stone's voice is the kind of thing that I needed for my caller from the internet center. From the previous one, yeah. Hey, Stone, could you say you're here working for the internet and it's broken? Can we just audition your voice for that? I...
This is Stone. I'm here working for the internet. Oh, my God. By the way, it's actually really good. I want to re-record mine. Hi, this is Stone. Because it's got to be slightly more... This is insane, but we might want to send Rob... Yeah. ...her a second option. Stone, can you really quickly say, Hey, my name is Stone. I work for the internet. Meemaw? No. Mandy. Mandy.
Your account has been compromised.
You need to stop online purchases immediately. We know about the wig. We know about your purchases. Can you try that? Or some version of that. In your own words. Don't be word perfect, but it's just the voice. What you are, Stone, you are calling, you are from the internet. Yeah. Oh, you know what? We'll make this a follow-up. Yeah. Stone, because then we'll play both. This is a follow-up, Stone. We are following up to make sure you seriously take this message seriously. That's a good follow-up voice. Go ahead.
Hello, this is Stone from the internet. I'm calling you today because you have purchased too many wigs online and need to stop purchasing online wigs.
It doesn't get better than that, honest to God. That's incredible. Really good work. It's like he is the internet. If I got that call, I'm not buying anything on the internet. I'm not going anywhere near it. I'm afraid. And then I'm going, Stone, have you seen my history? Because guess what? A guy looking like me broke in and looked at that stuff last night. I hate that stuff. He left a dildo by my bed. Stone, where are you calling from?
i'm calling from stanton virginia virginia first of all you got a voice like an angel yeah what a voice uh and how old are you stone i'm 28 i'm pretty sure wow young guy wow wow you have a it's very is the word stentorian i've never heard that word in my life so yes
I don't think anybody in the last 40 years have heard that word. So, Stone, Virginia, 28, what can we do for you? My mom used a word with me the other day. She goes, I miss having badinage with you. And I had to look it up, and it's just that kind of playful banter. Yeah, fun word. Sorry, Stone. Yeah, my mom has said the same thing. You know, Jake, I really miss having badinage with you. And I go, yeah, me too, ma.
Speaker 0 : All right. Stone 28, Virginia. We're having some botanage with you. What can we do? Speaker 5 : Oh yeah. So my friends think I have a foot fetish, but I most definitely do not have a foot fetish.
Okay, thanks for the call, my man. We'll talk to you real soon. Okay, your friends think you have a foot fetish, but you don't have a foot fetish. Definitely don't. Do you mind if I underline you definitely don't? Okay, so then we need a little bit more help on this setup here, then. Yeah, why do they think that?
Because on my wall it's covered with pictures of feet and I only masturbate the feet. And the only thing that turns me on or gets me up in life is feet. Yeah, but fetish is an ugly word. What does fetish mean? Is that like bonnage? So Stone, let's start in type verse A. Why do they think you have a foot fetish?
Well, when I was in Vegas, I started this joke where we were competitively drinking and doing like a drinking game. And like I lost the drinking game. So I had to drink this like nasty thing. And then I went to the bathroom and I threw up. And when I came out, no one asked me questions. So then I made the joke. Hey, guys, I'm so glad you're here.
I didn't throw up in there because I definitely did not throw up in there. And then they were like, did you throw up in there? I was like, no, no. So that became a joke. And then we played a different drinking game called cheers to the governor, where you have to make rules as you count to 21. Yeah. We did something like that. We used to call it asshole. Oh yeah. Oh, that's what assholes. Oh yeah. We called it asshole, but it rolls to the governor. Yeah. Oh, that's what they call it. Or close, but keep going. Yeah.
Well, I made a rule. I was drunk. I just thrown up. You continued playing. Like a number we had to like, like kiss like someone's foot or whatever. That was your rule? Yeah. Yeah. What made you get there, Stone? What the hell? Yeah. That's what I would be thinking. What made you get there, Stone? Yeah. Yeah.
I'm trying to put myself in a position as one of your friends. I'm trying to put myself in your position here, Stone. Yeah. We're all really drunk. A bunch of guys in Vegas. I go, if you hit 15, we got to kiss each other's feet.
How come, Stone? And then try not to get hard. Yeah, exactly. Let's see who gets the hardest when we set each other's toes. I'm just trying to get to, we're with you, Stone, but we just need the honesty here. Oh, I got you. So where did we get? We're drinking. I think the barf thing, I get it. You're doing the reverse. I didn't puke. You puked. I get the bit. We're playing along. We're having fun. You keep drinking. Your thing is, if you hit a 15 in the game, you got to chug this and kiss one of these guys' feet.
That was the pitch? And that was just, you're thinking like gross out. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, ew, what the fuck? Like, don't do that. And I was like, oh. Did you say please? Wait, what? Did you go, when they said ew, go, please, just once. Yeah.
Come on, it'll be really funny. Just try it, especially you and me, Mike. They were like, do you have a foot fetish? I'm like, no, no, I definitely don't have a foot fetish. Oh, but you would establish that joke. Okay. Exactly. Now, like, okay, so you did the... It became a meme. Now, like, people are actually, like, editing photos that I've been in. It's, like, pictures of me, like, eating feet and shit. Oh.
Oh, now I see. There's a picture. Okay, now I get it. Now you can't get out of there. Oh, you see the picture? Yeah. You know, I...
First of all, this is great. This is great. I like that you have a bucket. There's a pail. It's like a kid's bucket. What's wrong with the... I know, but he doesn't have a foot fetish. Right. There's nothing wrong with it. Nobody's here is judging him. But I'm saying even the joke, it's like kind of a funny... It's bringing your friends together, I'm sure. I know, but... You sound like a guy that can laugh. Oh, yeah.
I know. Stone has a sense of humor. And Stone, it's very clear, and that's why we've been teasing you a little bit, that you have a sense of humor. But you don't have a foot fetish. So God forbid you meet somebody and it spreads. And it's like people are, you know, where there's smoke, there's fire. A lot of times there is, which brings me to my question. Can we go back to that moment in Vegas, Stone? Yeah, I'm back. You barfed. You're feeling better. You got a couple more drinks in you.
It's your turn to make the rule? Yeah. Yeah. What was your hope? Well, there's more history, I guess. Go ahead. Because I was in a physically unfulfilling relationship at the time. That doesn't help where I'm going with this, my man. I think that hurts your case. Yeah, exactly. You're now talking about being sexually frustrated, yeah? Yes. And you're with a bunch of your boys in Vegas? Yes.
And pushing for some... Well, not just boys. Boys... Oh, and ladies. Yeah. Oh, so you want... That happens nowadays, Jake, yeah. I'm singing Boston. By the way, I'm a pile of ashes. I'm humiliated. You've killed me. You're totally in the right... Ladies are allowed in Vegas. I'm about 140 right now, and I feel like I live in black and white. You burned me. Nice job. You got me. So, here's my question stone. Now, let's just talk honest. Okay.
When you said, because I've done this bit when you're all drunk and you also kind of want something to happen. Sometimes it's something just slips. Yeah, but also, was there somebody's feet you wanted to kiss? Well, I mean... That's too long a pause. I agree. Stone? That's too long. There wasn't someone specific, but... You wanted to get close to Stone. Hold on, Stone. I guess I wanted some intimacy and like a... You're the best, Stone. Like a...
Like a subtle way? I don't know. You know what I mean? I do. I know exactly what you mean. But we went specifically to feet, my man. I think I know what's in his head at this point. Because I thought it was like playful or something. He's trying to keep it innocent. And he's thinking the opposite of a foot fetish guy, which is what's more innocent, what's the most innocent part of the body. No, I'm getting that. It's a foot. It's like, who thinks of that sexually except for a foot fetish person? That's like saying, but here's the equivalent stone. He's the opposite of a foot fetish guy. But if you're like, I'm going through a bit of a lonely period. Yeah.
I was with my friends. I was drunk. And I said, whoever loses, somebody has to fart in their face. And you'd go, why? And you'd go, I don't know.
I was a little bit lonesome. It's the lonesome part. I wanted somebody to sit on my face and you go like, stung. But farting, that would be, if that were. Feet in Vegas? Feet, but it's kissing feet. But you got to take the socks off. It's about a hundred degrees and you're walking around casinos. Is there a chance you're going to land on, like, yeah,
Yeah, there's a chance you're going to land on somebody else's foot. That's not the person you want to be. He was pretty open. Yeah. Did you stone in? No, there's not one person in this room judging you. I forgot about this. Yeah. Was the thought of it that, and we're going to get to how we fix this problem, but I just don't think, we're just not there yet, my man. Uh-huh. You got a foot fetish? No, I do not. You ever done the dirty by yourself thinking about feet? One time. You ever Googled sexy feet? No, never, never.
And like, yeah, when I am like, you know, doing the deed or whatever, like they're at play, but they're not like the main course, you know, it's like, you had me in your life. I'm saying you keep having me and then you lose me. And then you veered into the fast lane stone. You have a foot thing, dude. It comes to, at what point does two feet come into play? Never.
But it's not like I see someone's feet and I'm like, whoa, boner. It's like, no. No, I know. I know. But I think there are degrees of foot fetishness. I have a question for you, Justin. Yeah. This is for Justin Long now for a second. I'm going to be very honest. That's Justin? Oh my
Oh my God, Stone! We started so fast. I never introduced Justin Long. Thank you, Stone. I heard that compliment. That's really nice of you. Yeah, this is just my bad. We got so excited about your voice. I've never... Well, wait, no. What were you going to ask, Jay? Because I think... When you are doing the deed, are feet part of it? Yeah.
Feet? Wait, no, not you, Stone. We know your answer! Stop! You're like, yes! We know where you're going. I'm just trying to get a gauge of a different person. That is one of the fetish, because I know it's a fetish that people often talk about. In fact, when they think about, like, oh, a sexual fetish, they go to foot fetish. That's one I have no connection with. To be feet, not that they're
I guess I'm just not crazy about my own feet. I don't want anyone near my feet. Okay. You know, like in a way that is, I don't, I concentrated sexually on my feet. We're talking about, you're looking at an internet video. Oh. Feet don't come into play. Yeah. Stone, when you're looking at an internet video and there's a couple of people in bed or part of you like, Ooh, look at that part of the body. Look at that part. Ooh, look at the feet.
All the way to the bottom? Yeah, I guess if it was a spectrum or whatever, yeah, I guess feet would be at like a two or a three or something. Out of four? Out of five.
Okay, out of 10. Okay, two or three out of 10. To me, feet are an easy one. But there's other things I'm way more attracted to, you know? I don't know if zero is an option. Yeah, zero is an option. People have ass fetishes. Well, yeah. So look, nobody is saying your only fetish is foot. Yeah, you don't go right for the foot. Yeah, you're right. And nobody's saying, hey...
to stone-like butts. But I don't know. They're saying stone's also got a thing with feet, and what you're saying, Stone, is I do, but it's getting blown out of proportion. Exactly. I don't think it qualifies as a foot fetish. But you also don't want another meme where you're holding on to some random butt with that face you're making there, Stone, because... I think I like that better. So I think what it is is you do have a foot fetish, but the group is taking it too far. You're not like a foot weirdo.
Yeah, I mean, like, no one else jokes about, like, other people's sexual things, you know? Yeah, but nobody else in the game tries to bring their sexual thing into the group in Vegas. Or did they?
Oh, I mean, some people are like hooked up in Vegas. So yeah, maybe. So give me, let me help you. Cause now we've dug in pretty deep, but the premise of this is we're on your side stone and not only just the premise, the truth is I feel like I'm on your side. Yeah, for sure. So we're going to pitch it and it's just the truth. So we're going to pitch on this, but give us a, you're a funny guy. What kind of zone do you want here?
I don't know. Maybe give us comeuppance to some of my friends. Or maybe even start a better meme, you know? Okay, I get that. So when he said meme, I was like, well, it's not literally a meme, is it? And then it is. But it's a way to say then you have a foot fetish, but also everyone's got to chill out. Yeah, I know. What's the big deal? And it's not a fetish. What's a lesser word than fetish? It's a foot fetish.
appreciation yeah or what if we what if we did something of yeah i'm into i'm into feats actually but out of 10 it's only like three but i'm into other body parts way more like butt would be wait hold on i got okay let's go let's do this yeah out of 10 out of 10 so you got a 10 count stone and like like slices of a pie you can't go past 10 you get 10 slices
Okay. How many, we're going to say three slices are feet. So you have seven remainder and we can change this. If it's just that, you might want to change the foot one. Okay. Hold on. All right. So then out of 10, tell me what, what, what butts are. Butts? I feel like that's the sauce. It's like, yeah, it's like, I don't know. I guess six, maybe five slices. Okay. Five slices. Five butt slices. What are breasts?
If you say that's the sauce again, I'm going to fall out of my chair laughing. If everything is the sauce and everything is five, I'm going to explode. That's the sauce right there. What about feet? If you go, damn, those are the sauce right there. Stone, we're hanging up the call.
No, feet would be like a garlic topping or something. I don't know. It would be like something extra. I understand. I like how he... And I'm starting to... By the way, sadly, I think I... It's a garlic topping. I don't think you're off. So you're talking about... We're talking about butts are five. It's equally pungent. Yeah, we're talking about breasts are... Where are we going with breasts? Breasts, yeah. Breasts.
Breasts? I don't know. I like my metaphor better. I'm sorry, Jake. But yeah, breasts are like the crust, I feel like. Okay, but out of 10, how many slices? Out of 10. We got 10 slices of pie. Yeah, I mean, like three, three and a half. Yeah. Okay. So we're left with one and a half. And so what do you think about feet? Remember, we got mouth, we have hands. Yeah, and we can keep adjusting this. Yeah.
I guess like, like a 0.25 or I guess. Yeah. Okay. You might not have a foot fetish. Okay. Okay. And then what about face?
Face? Oh, wow. That's the sauce. Oh, God. I didn't even consider the face. What's face? I know, but this is what we're going to do. We might just send this. Here's what we're going to do for the meme is we're going to do a big slice of pizza and send this to your friends. You want to know the truth? Here's the truth. It's going to be what you really feel.
And then it's going to go to the bottom. If you call that a foot fetish, you're an idiot. Okay, okay, yeah. So we just put... 1.5 face and then that'll be it. That'll be the order. That's not 10, though. Oh, shit. So far we have 5 for butt, 3 for breast, 1.5 for face, 0.25 for feet. So how much weight do we have left?
Nine and a half. We have another .25. What's the last .25? .25. Equal to feet. I'm excited. So we have to add another category, right? No. Just another body part. Stomach. Okay. Fingers, armpits. Armpits, nice. I guess. What about stomach? Hair. Hair is what?
0.25. 0.25. Okay, so now I'm going to read this back to you, and I want the truth because we can adjust. From top to bottom, he likes it. All right, great, great. So when you are thinking about what turns you on, Stone, and what you like in a sexual partner, five slices out of ten slices, it's their butt cheeks. No butt. Can you mind if I say butt cheeks?
Yeah. Thank you, Stone. Justin's childish, but Stone, it is what it is. You're not talking about the underneath hang-ins. You're talking about the butt cheeks. I think he's talking about everything, Stone. You don't want to like... The whole butt, right? Yeah.
We're not talking about the whole... It's okay. It's just semantics. I agree. Let's not get lost in the underneath hanging part. Just like underneath the butt, those little levels. Butt levels. He's 28 years old. He's just looking for some cheeks. He's just thinking about slapping cheeks. Okay. I don't want to put words in his mouth like he likes to put feet in his mouth. Look at that face. That guy is just thinking about the cheeks. That's not just cheeks. He likes it all. He likes it all. Okay, so then three out of ten...
You're like, I'm very interested in the breasts. Yeah. Is that correct? No, just three. Oh, three. Okay.
Shockingly low. Make breasts and butts four because I feel bad. Breasts are four. I feel like I'm down the middle. Okay, so this is interesting. That's taking me in a direction that I'm going to be shocked on the next one. Your partner's face is now less than 1.5. Now, for face, we're talking 0.5. Sexually. I'm talking about being in bed with somebody, Stoney. Yeah, the mouth is the gateway. You're talking about the face is a 0.5. It's so close to the feet.
It's so close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. If face and feet are this close. I got to give it a slice. Wait, Stone, did you end up being intimate with the person that you were hoping to be in Vegas? No, they all teased him that night. No, no, no. But this year I went and I was attracted to somebody. And then I broke up with my girlfriend. But then, yeah. Okay. The chemistry wasn't there.
Yes, exactly. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Okay. Stunt. I would love to turn this into fucking Dr. Moore, but we have a job here. So are you willing to minus five on butts and go to four? Yes. So, okay. Give it to face. So let's do, yeah, give it. So four butts, four breasts. Take a slice from butts and give it to face. And now a full one, which is so low, brother, for face.
And so now you've got, oh, let's do, so we can do, how about 1.5 for face? All right. Yeah. And then 0.2. That's moral. No, stone, stone. I want the truth, my man. I'm just your lawyer. But what I want is the truth. I can't represent you without the facts. I just think that can't be true that feet and face are the same. I can't believe that to be true, but maybe it is.
Okay, it's not true. It's not true. Yeah, yeah. No. But when you go to Vegas and you see a girl's face, are you thinking like, yeah, let me see her feet. Same. Why is she covering up her feet? Yeah. Okay, so. All right, all right, all right. Here's what we're going to do. You're going to 0.5 off of both butts and boobs and put that on the face. Okay, so that's going to be 3.5 for each of those? Yes.
yeah and then we are going to get to 2.5 on the face okay so now i think this by the way i'm feeling good about this if you are so here's what we got now but 3.5 breasts 3.5 face 2.5 nice hair 0.25 feet 0.25 if you say i have a
Foot fetish, you're an idiot. That's it. Boom. Lawyered. Lawyered. And then we end it with boom, lawyer. And the top is Stone's sexual...
Yeah, I can't believe you even want to know about this. No, Stone's fetishes. Stone's fetishes. What do you think of that, Stone? I can't believe you even care, you weirdos. You're my fucking friends. But because you do care. Yeah. And it's that picture in the background. Yeah. But maybe instead of the feet, he's holding the chart. A butt and a boob instead of feet.
Or the middle of it is just the chart. Oh, yeah. That's good. Yes. Oh, I see. Right? With his hands. That's perfect. Yes. It looks like he's holding a chart. And so he's holding the chart. Yeah. Hey, Rob. Do you know how to do that? If he sends the original photo, we can do that. Can we get the original photo and then we can send that back to you?
Stone's sexual fetish pie. Yeah, and I like that. And Stone, how do you feel about that as a rebuttal to try to change the vibe of this foot fetish that they try to have? Because you don't have a foot fetish. He did request comeuppance. Is there not enough comeuppance in that? You tell us, Stone. You happy with this?
I'm so happy, honestly. So then tell us this, Stone, because we're guys who obviously love follow-ups and we're producing an internet radio show. What can we do for our show? How can we get their reaction? Is that going to be on an email chain you send them? And then you'll just send us screen grabs of people's reactions? Or do you want us... Or, you know, you could do... You could say, if you have any reactions, please leave them as voice notes. Or how about this? How about this? You know what we could do? What?
he could post it on his Instagram or Facebook, and then we could have a reading of the comments below. That's a great idea. And some of them will probably be pretty funny. And would you be okay if we posted it on our social medias? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Can I post it on my Discord? Because that's where all my friends congregate. You're going to tell me how old I am again. Hey, man, I can't believe girls and guys were hanging in Vegas. What the hell is Discord? Do you mind if I toss it up on my platypus? I've never heard of Discord. You can type it on that fake website all you want, my man. It doesn't exist. All right, sweet. Stone, you're a winner. Thank you for calling. Please follow up with us.
Yeah, I can't wait to see the new me. And thanks for taking the pie chart seriously. I think we got a good picture. And I will say this now. As a guy a couple decades older than you, you do not have a foot fetish. No. Are you a little weird with feet? Yeah, 0.25 out of 10. Whatever. It's a body part. But out of 10? 0.25. Yeah. So if somebody goes, you have a foot fetish, you go like this, I guess, 0.25. Yeah. And they'll go, what does that mean? You go, look at the meme, you dork. Yeah.
And they'll be humbled. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Don. You're the freaking best. You're the best, buddy. Hi, everybody. Producer Jesse here. If you want to see the memes from this episode, go to heretohelppod.com or check out our Instagram at heretohelppod to see these gems. Bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis.
All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.