177: Duo Ling-Crow & You Got Nudes (with Nick Kroll)
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So we're back. We're here with Nick Kroll. I just did a bunch of propofol before I came in here. So then we might hit a period. Propofol is the colonoscopy drug, yes? If you're lucky. I was lucky. I just had it.

Yeah, me too. What'd you think? How many polyps did they find? None. How about you? None. I don't think any. Now that I think about it. Now that I heard you, I don't think any. Well, what they said to me is honestly was, you have a beautiful asshole, my man. And I went like, thank you. When does the exam start? And he goes, you're in an alley in LA, man. I know. This isn't the place. So hey, first off, thank you. Once again, thank you.

You got some polyps? You can be honest. I can be honest about the polyps? They described it, they said it looked like nerd rope. You know, like nerds when they're all like bunched together on like a long gummy. They said it looks like nerds on a rope? Yeah, nerd rope.

That's bad news, dude. Is it? Ain't good news. I don't know. As it goes, any news is good news. Not with help. Is that what it is? What they say in show business and help. Any news is good news.

Over, under, do you think we're going to be good at this together? I think we're going to be really good at it. I won. Yeah. I'm feeling slap happy to start, which is problematic. Is it? Yeah. I think it's good. At a Sunday night, my kind of vibe was, I'm in tonight. Right. I got a weird stomach ache. I got a juice stomach and I had some weird dairy in a smoothie at year one today. Yeah. They gave me a free one. Oh, congrats, man. That means you're up $170. It was because of some membership and I go to my wife and I go,

I go, must have been here a lot. Yeah. If they're just giving me a weird. Yeah. Here's a, here's a Haley Bieber, a $300 smoothie. My daughter got one today. How was it? She said, uh, beyond delicious. And then because she is a fan of Haley Bieber, which is exactly what I've planned.

which means I've done everything right. She starts, as she's drinking, looking like this. And I'm like, oh my God. It's happened. As a culture, she knows as a little girl, to be Hailey Beamer means you look like this as if the Instagram photo's here. Yeah. And you drink it. You're drinking it one way and your eyes are the other way. And I would look at her and I was like, she did that. And I was like, wow. Yeah, it worked.

The Baldwins win again. Thank you so much. Isn't it amazing that Haley Bieber is Billy Baldwin's daughter? Stephen. I'm sorry. I said it wrong. Stephen Baldwin. Can you imagine being the least of the Baldwins? Still, what an honor. Number two on the call sheet to Pauly.

you're behind yeah but no who's the fattest baldwin danny he's the oldest one yeah he's he's the baldwin that i've always looked at and gone like he took the hits though you know what i mean like you're thinking he's the oldest like yeah he's the lead blocker yeah open it up for i know but he took all these stuff

Yeah. Because he's Alec, but like 15 too much. Yeah, yeah. He's got a Long Island 15 on him. Yeah, but Alec can pull it off and you go like, he's really handsome. And then you look and you go, kind of bulky. He's a thicker guy if you look at his hands. If you look at his body, you're like, I don't know. He pulls it off in Beetlejuice. Yeah. But at certain angles you go...

gina davis in that movie you like that she's a beauty yeah his chest hair and face i go now that's a good looking man him walking down the stairs i go that's a kid from long island it's all about how you shoot him but

But that's not a kid who grew up surfing. Certain male babes, they grew up surfing. Their bodies aren't perfect. Owen Wilson. Yeah, sure. Owen Wilson falls downstairs at every angle. You go, besides the nose, that guy's a movie star. Your nose looks a lot like his. I know. I know. But I have Alan Baldwin's body. I have Baldwin's body and Wilson's nose. No, but he's the guy I've always looked at. I'm like...

I can't believe you're right on the line. And then his poor brother, you go. Yeah. But you know what, Al? You've had discipline. But then Billy, it comes together sleek and like a panther, Billy Baldwin. Too much, right? Too hot. Flatliners, he's too sexy. Yeah. The smile comes too easy. Yeah, but it's like. So it's trickier. He looks like a murderer. But my money's on him as far as a life goes. Billy Baldwin's the one. If I had to choose which life I'd want. Yeah.

I mean, obviously, Alex would be real fun right now. She's the best character on planet Earth. Yeah. She's one of my all-time favorites. Yeah, she's a real winner. Yeah, and now whatever happens on social media, she gets so offended but pretends to with her tone that she doesn't but defends it. Yeah. Everybody is so mad at me. You're not understanding. This is how I put my foot. And then some little kid in the background goes, that's how mommy sits. Yeah.

Have you watched the show? A little bit. Yeah. I haven't gone deep in it. Yeah. But I've watched it. Every episode, a couple times. But I'm not getting deep. Yeah. But I don't get deep in it. I guess I've seen a little bit of it. Yeah. I've checked it. Have you? I don't, I mean, I'd fall asleep to it and then my, I got a shower, I got a shower screen. So I watch it in the shower, you know.

And then I get it. And then I, you know, I get that. I got one of those hotel ones in the mirror. All right. Okay. You ready, Rob? It's just on the phone in the shower. It's not great. The plastic bag doesn't work. I don't care. I don't care. It's a great show. Yeah. All jokes aside, I know we need to take the call. It's a great show. Yeah. But I don't. I'm so happy for them. Yes. Oh, she's so lucky. Bed, bed, bed.

Hand-Date!

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Episode of We're Here to Help is sponsored by the crisp, refreshing, angry orchard. Listen, guys, there's a litany of things we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. Don't get angry at Piggly and Moe and say that it makes no sense and nobody would fall for it.

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Get angry, get orchard. Please drink responsibly. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hero Bread. Hero Bread is awesome. It's very easy to fit into your lifestyle if you have health goals. Bread helps you pack on the pounds. Hero Bread steps in, saves you. That's why they call it Hero Bread. Hero Bread is absolutely delicious. I eat it on a regular basis.

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And Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Hello. Hi, can we get your name, please? Yes, Nicole. Hey, Nicole, how you doing?

Hey, how are you doing? Hey, I'm Nick Kroll. Hi, Nicole. I'm Nick Kroll. Holy shit. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nicole and Nick Kroll. Well, I'm going to tell you what. We're also recording at night, Nicole. We never do that.

It feels different. You never do that? No, we always do like nine in the morning and that's the truth. Really? Yeah. Are you guys tired then? No, we're excited. We're feeling alive. We're recording at night. Yeah, but also Nick and I have been talking about getting a beer together for 15 years and this is our first hang that's not at an event. Absolutely. And we were just talking about the Baldwins. And we don't have a beer between us. Okay.

But he did just get a colonoscopy. Yep. Oh, okay. I'll tell you my colonoscopy later, Nicole. Where the polyps are a real thing. Later? Okay.

I'm constantly worried about life insurance coverage. I won't speak of it publicly. Nicole. I would love if that was real. And the thing that is always on your mind. Yeah. All jokes aside, Rob cut that out. Nicole, how old are you? 32. 32. And where are you calling from? Vancouver, BC. Oh, I love Vancouver. Vancouver. Love Vancouver. Yeah, I love Vancouver.

Love everything about Oregon. Nicole. No. Nicole, he's joking. Nicole, this is Nick Kroll. I'm joking around. He's just doing a bit. Where is Vancouver? Not Oregon. I know what BC's all about. I guess we're similar. We're similar. I gotcha. Nick, really quick. What is it all about? It's about Banff. What else? It's about Stanley Park. It's about, yeah. It's about, it's about, um...

It's about the Redwoods. Nicole, what's going on? What can we do with you? What can we do with you? What can we do? What's the issue today, dude? I'm tired, Nicole, but I'm going to pull it together, goddammit. I'm excited Nick's here. Let's go, Nicole. What do we got? Okay, so my dad loves animals. My whole family does, but loves animals.

And over the last 10 years has been, has become increasingly interested with crows. With, sorry, I didn't understand. Crows. Crows. Hold on, Nicole. Wait, Nicole, this is Nick Kroll. Your dad's obsessed with crows? This is Nick Kroll, dad obsessed with crows, yes. Okay. And you are? Nick Kroll. And Nick Kroll's dad is obsessed with crows.

I'm a crow. Nicole's dad is obsessed with the crows. Okay. Sorry, go ahead. Dad loves animals. Lately obsessed with crows. Sure. Crows are fascinating. Yeah, they are. They are. For sure. They're very cool. And like the session, it started off normally. Yep. Like he was feeding them. He was feeding them every once in a while. He was feeding them every once in a while. Yeah. And he would leave out like water for them and stuff. It was normal-ish.

And then he named a few of them that were coming around the house. Did he name any of them? Yeah, he named a couple of them. It was Russell and Judy. Did he name any of them Nick Kroon? No, unfortunately. Fucking idiot. Go ahead. What is he called? He's got a Russell? Russell and Judy. But we never knew if they were actually the same crows. He just random crows would be Russell and random crows would be Judy. Okay.

So, but one of the Russell and is Russell Crowe. Is it Russell Crowe, right? I didn't put that. Is it like a heavier? Yeah. A heavier Crowe makes you listen to his music after rap. Yeah, exactly. He smokes. He won't say his lines. He talks about a nest he was in 10 years ago.

like still be can still sell a movie but it's like it's weird financing and then judy crow what's judy crow what's judy crow yeah

Nicole, do you think he did it because of the actor Russell Crowe? 100% not. Not. Oh, okay. No. I was with her. I think you just found out. I just thought she was like, I mean, wow, that's amazing. No, I was with your dad. It was just randomly Russell Crowe.

No, that would not have been his profile. Okay, Nicole, I'm totally with you. It would have, if your dad was doing themes, the other one would have been a crow. Yeah, and you wouldn't. It would have been Cameron Russell. Yeah. No, no, definitely not. Okay, so great. Yeah. Okay. If he gets into like other animals, like a bear, what do you name it?

You know, grills. Okay, let's get back. Bear grills. Okay, let's get, stop it. Stop. Nicole. Stop freaking out. Stop freaking out. It was a joke. You can stop laughing.

I was joking. I was just joking around. We'll have to cut out all the laughs. Okay, Nicole. So Russell and Judy, your dad names them the two crows, okay? Yes. So he would like go out in the morning and in the backyard and like call for them or whatever. They don't respond to the names obviously, but this is what he was doing. And this was the first sign of my mom and I being like, okay, this is a little weird. Yeah.

So over the last year is when it's escalated a bit because, well, I mean, this is like the issue. Every time my dad goes outside, every single time, whether it's on a walk with my mom or I, or he's on a walk by himself, he is calling at

at the top of his lungs. For Russell and Judy. All around the neighborhood. Dad. Nicole, can you give us a taste of dad's crows? No exaggeration. I knew you were going to ask. I know, I have to. I'm putting you on the spot, but you can do it. Yeah, so I can't do the gargle that he does. Like he is shocking, but my best, this is my best. It's like, oh, oh,

Like that. Can I? Can I? I know you want to. Can I see Nick, see if he can top it? Yeah. So this is your dad for a walk. How old's your dad? My dad, like, I don't know exactly. I think he's like 68, 69. Okay. Respect that you don't know. Yeah, but it's cool that the first number I came to mind was 69. Yeah. It's my favorite number, Bill. Has been for years. I respect it. So, Nick. I respect your father. You got a crow, my man? Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, did it just come out as you were in your head seeing if you had one? I was just finding the timber on it. Pretty good practice. Sure. But it's her dad as a 69-year-old Canadian man. Yeah. Going for a walk. Going for a walk with Nicole. Shall we go for a walk? Okay, great. Russell Crowe! Russell Crowe! Russell Crowe!

Judy. And Judy as well. Cameron. Cameron. Cameron Crowell. 10 out of 10. Nicole. That's a little more dolphin-y than I want it to be. I want to take out a little. The top was pretty good. Nicole, your thoughts.

No, it was good. It was good. And it was closer. He had a better, better of a gargle. So it was closer than mine. Great. Yeah. I can take some, I just want Nicole, you to know, I can take a little gargle off it.

Okay. No, it was good. It's like, but it was like, it sounds like a, it does sound dolphin-y, like a little bit more crow, I guess, but it is hard to do. Like I have been trying. Thank you. What are the crows saying back? Like what's, what are, is it a dialogue? That's part of it is that they don't respond to him at all.

Like, this is not like, oh, that's my friend calling me. It's none of that. He's trying to connect. Nicole, these crows remind me of talking to you and your mother. Quack! Quack! Quack!

All right, so Nicole. So you think he's putting a little quack on it? All right, hold on, Nicole. We got to do this really fast. You got to close your eyes and you got to be the judge now. Nick and I are each. Separated from our voices. Separated from our voices. Close your eyes. Promise no setup.

Fair enough. Absolutely. You do a better Canadian. You do a better Suri. No, I'll do Suri. No. Nothing. I won't do a goddamn thing. Or you do Suri and yours, then say Suri, point at me, and I'll do mine. What am I saying? Nicole, you're judging which one does a crow that is more realistic and closer to your dad, okay?

You're going to get two options. It will just take really fast. No setup. You're just going to hear it. Yeah, you're just going to hear two crows, and then you go, one was better, one was worse, and you say it, and we're going to move the hell on. Yeah. Okay? Ready? The first one was much better. The first one was much better. Can we try one more time? Yeah. Because I didn't expect that to come out of my mouth. Okay. I was in gladiator mode.

Which crow was better? The first one. So we're going to split one and one and we're going to move on. All right, Nicole. It's all right. So your dad is really into crows. He's named some. Lately, when you go for walks with him, he's just crowing at them. Not ideal. Obviously, you didn't have to say they don't crow back. We knew they didn't.

Does he feed them? He tries to, yeah. Nicole, can I ask this? Is he summoning spirits from somewhere? Is that part of it for him? That's interesting. A lot of people say crows are connected. Crows and owls. Crows and owls. I don't believe so, but maybe. All right, Nicole. So you're walking down the street. Dad's crowing at crows. Then what?

Yeah, so because he does this all over the neighborhood and he does this by himself, like I've been coming back from the store to my parents' place and you can hear him from a block away. And you know it's him. It's not great. It doesn't sound like a crock. So the neighbors have started... Really fast, Russell. Really fast about what are we calling dad? Dad Jim. Jim. Jim, a guy who had a job or Jim, the kind of stay-at-home guy who does projects in the basement? I'm not judging Jim. I just want to get a sense.

Yeah, yeah. He's retired, so he's at home. He's doing a lot of home projects. I'll tell you what, in between gigs, when you got some time off, COVID, the strike, were you doing great, Nick? I was doing great. I was thriving. Do you know how many decks I built? How many? Zero. So what did your dad do for work? Seems like it doesn't matter, but it might matter when we get to pitching. Mm-hmm.

Uh, I mean, like he's not working now. What he did before. Yeah. Just trying to get a sense of Jim a little bit. I mean, if Jim goes in a little bit of a hard time. Was he like a truck driver? Was he a computer engineer? Computer engineer. Was he a carpenter? He helped people that were injured in the workplace find new jobs. Okay, cool. Okay. Helpful guy.

That's a very Canadian job. Yeah, it is. Isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So problem at work. Well, can I help you find new employment? Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's it. We also have that here in the States. Do we? Yeah. It's not like he just volunteered. It's not like he was just walking down the street saying it and someone said, Hey, would you like a job doing this? You're great in the park. Yeah.

You're just wonderful in Stanley Park. So, Nicole.

Your dad's walking down the street. He's talking to crows. They're not talking back. I'm not seeing this as great so far, but it's because we've been interrupting, but I'm not seeing a big problem yet. Right? Yeah. So it's because of the calling around the neighborhood and everything that neighbors, I've seen them cross the street when my dad's coming. I've heard a couple of people walk past our house and the, one of the women whispered like, yeah, something about,

Dave is a little off. He seems a little off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a little off. Um,

My mom, like the children that walk past the school to, or walk past our house to go to the school across the street. Yeah, I get this. Or like giggling about them. Yeah. That's not great. This is embarrassing. So essentially the question is how do I get my dad to stop calling around the neighborhood? Yeah. Let me first of all compliment you, Nicole. It was a heck of a setup. Yeah. And you landed the plane. Yeah, absolutely. So, Nicole.

So the question and the whole idea of this is dad's got an obsession with crows. How do we get your dad to stop crowing on the walks because people are starting to talk a little shit and it's getting weird. And you're a little worried that dad's turning the corner from I love my dad, Jim, to retired Jim who's getting weird. And look, we all have our passions. Yeah.

But you can't take your passion and start crowing down the middle of the street. Is it emblematic of larger quirks that he is exhibiting? Or is this like it? Is this like his main thing that he just crows? That's a good question. I mean, that's his main thing. Sort of like he likes to be important, you know, like around the neighborhood. So he definitely...

He likes to be in court. Like, there's an owl that's down our street right now, and so he's, like, calling the city to make sure that everybody knows that there's an owl there. So he's very involved. But what's with the crow? I get a guy like that. He's just a hands-on Mr. Helper. Yeah. He's probably bored as hell. Is this new for him? Like, is this different than he used to be, or is this all, like, new behavior? Yeah.

As far as talking to animals, no. Like, with the dogs and cats we had growing up, he will have full-on conversations with them and everything. So that's not new. But it's good when it's leaving the house. It's bringing it outside of the house. Yeah, yeah. Nicole, that is very funny. It's bringing it outside of the house. Yeah. And by the way, that is very important. Yeah, it's good to know that you're like...

This shit is fine indoors, dad. When you're talking to Nichols and Ronnie, it's not okay walking down the street and thinking like, we are like, you and your mom are fine with this behavior. Or you've tolerated privately for a long time. We were fine when it was in our backyard. You know, we're fine. Did the dogs and cats talk back? Was it getting positive reinforcement? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So, okay, good. And what are your thoughts before we start pitching? Cause there's going to be a lot of different routes we can take on this one. What are your thoughts about a straight shot? Because I think tell me what happened, please.

Yes. So with me, like I, I'm not out to embarrass anybody. And so I just said, dad, you know, like this is, this is a little much. Oh no, no, it's fine. Like he, he's definitely a good person. Yeah. Keep going.

Yeah, he's definitely the sort of person that he just thinks whatever he wants to think. Like, he's in his kind of own world. Yeah. And then with my mom, she said to him, like, okay, we'll go on a walk together, but no cawing. No cawing. That's so humiliating. Could you imagine your wife saying that to you? Hey, I'll take a walk with you. Great, I'll take a walk with you. No trying to talk to crows. Yeah. I go, what about crawling? But...

as soon as my mom said that he just doubled down i just walk up to people i go hey it's nick i got a small crow that's cool i'm a little crow

This is nighttime vibes. It's like sexy. All right. So that's interesting that you have literally, your mom has said to him, I will walk with, and what does your dad say when he is told we can walk, but please don't crow at crows? Cause I got to tell you, Nicole, that's shocking. It's shocking. This is actually, I'm starting to understand the problem. Okay. Yeah. He'll totally dismiss it. And then go in front of your mom. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, he'll double down 100%. So maybe there could be something, and I'm just planting a seed of a pitch, but I don't have the second half of it. But maybe we could get in your dad's ear about the idea that using, because your dad, I'm sure, knows how smart crows are. So the thing about crows, which I'm sure your dad has got obsessed about, is that they are so smart. They have unbelievable memories. They do revenge.

If they don't like you, they come to your yard for years. Like you don't mess with a crow's brain. Sure. So he's probably on a kick like they're great. Maybe you could say you have to be careful crowing because you actually might be insulting them. Right. It's like people who get those Chinese tattoos. Sure. Like it means harmony, but it really means like eat a dick. Yeah, yeah. Like dad, just be careful because I read that a crow's brain is so intense that by going ca-caw,

You're not saying gibberish. You're literally, they go, dad, they speak a language. Yeah, it's about intonation. So we can't get their intonation right. But also, you are saying something.

Yeah. So you just think you're making a sound, but it's like if an alien. You could be making an enemy for life. You might be saying like, fuck you. Yeah. And that, if he's really in the brain of a crow, could trip him out. It's not clear how long these crows can take the high road. Yeah. But think about this for a second. This fucking Danny, this fucking guy. This fucking guy says fuck you to me one more time. I'm telling you, Danny, I'm about to split.

I can't keep doing it with this dope. I can't keep doing it with this guy. But let's think about this. Justin, this is the perspective I'm trying to get in your dad's ear. Right, Nicole? What does he think he's doing? Sure. He thinks he's like bonding with them. Right, but how? He thinks he's communicating. Yeah, he thinks he's communicating and like letting them know that he cares about them. Nicole, let me bring this up to you then.

Does he speak Crow or has he ever studied it? Or has there ever been any text about the language of Crow? Yeah. Does he know how to speak Crow? Is he like into bird calls or other birds? Like has he ever gone birding? Does he have a specific device that was somehow created, which is impossible to create, that you can actually communicate to a Crow using their language? Because Crows are so smart, they won't even let you study their brain. That's not where I was going. Okay.

You couldn't even do a duoling crow. Also a sponsor. Also a sponsor. But do you see the road I'm trying to get to? Your dad is trying to pretend they're in a heightened thing that he's in and you and your mom don't get it. But what he actually is doing, imagine this in English, if a bird tried to communicate with us and just went like, yellow monster! Yellow! Green! And you go like,

And it sounds like English, but they would just be like, it's gibberish. You know, there was this really funny song. I saw it on Instagram, but an Italian rock star, you might've seen this in the late sixties, early seventies. Yeah.

Who sounded kind of like the Stones Yeah yeah yeah He did a song He was an Italian star And he was like Everybody here likes everything English Yeah So he did one in English But it was all gibberish Yeah yeah yeah It's a fucking banging song Yes But it's gibberish There's a great Italian disco era Where they're just like Watching Not even VHS's of us

and like putting it together. It's so funny. But they're so fucking Italian and groovy in the 70s that it all works. You know? That's the one. Please do some more. I'm dying for you to do it, Nick. I'm sorry. Does your dad...

Is this a pitch? Okay. Do you allow your dad to walk around with a wagon, a red wagon, with a boombox on the back with this... That is it. So here's what we need to do. Nicole...

The funny thing is, is it is that it's a banging song. Yeah. Yeah. And like that one, like honestly, like what it's kind of what Nick does. And then there, but there's like cool guitar and drums and you're like, it sounds like a stone swing. He's speaking gibberish. Yeah. So here's what I'm going to recommend. We could either try to find it. I can look around and I could email it.

but I want you to show the video of this Italian thing to your dad. I want you to explain the concept. But before you talk about crows, what we're trying to get your dad to do is go like, that's insane. Right.

Right. So you look at that man's beat. Yes. What we're trying to do is we're going to, we're going to get him to watch an Italian singer sing gibberish and he's going to go, what? And you go, yeah, I heard this podcast and they were talking about it and they were saying like, but it was a popular song and you can Google it. You go like, it be was a hit, but it was gibberish. They didn't understand what they were saying.

And if you can get him to go like, that's so stupid and crazy, then go imagine the point of view of the crow to what you're doing. You're speaking crow gibberish. Yeah.

Can I pitch another? So that would be one is play this Italian classic Rock Gia Brist to your dad. Yes. And let him know that that's what he's doing. What he's doing to the crows is, yes, entertaining, but too ultimately silly and remembered for silliness. Exactly right. Not for genuineness. Exactly right. You're not actually communicating with anyone. So dad, if you want to do this,

You're just doing it. You're weirding out the neighborhood. You're weirding out mom. Mom's asking you to stop. And you're not talking to crows. If anything, the crows are making fun of you. Yeah, you're a fucking joke. Dad, you feeding the crows, wonderful. Yeah. You sitting outside and bonding with them, spiritually wonderful. You trying to speak their language turns you into a clown in the community. I guarantee it. And...

And these crows, you said clown because I did want to, we did, I was going to name my show Crawling Around with Nick Clown. Truly. But now here we are. Do you have like a ring cam or anything? Do you guys have like a ring cam? No. Have you ever filmed your dad doing it? Yes, do it on your phone. What's that? Yes, film him on your phone. Film him on your phone and show it to him or film it on your phone. And show it to us. Show it to us. Quick question, Nicole. Do you have any footage of your dad doing this?

No. Oh, that's so great. I only emailed you guys like two days ago. I didn't know how quick this was going to go. It mostly doesn't, but this is a good problem. But I also think, I mean, this is what AI is for. But you could also go around and interview some of the people who are talking shit about your dad and then show that to him and be like... I'm afraid of that hurting dad's feelings. Nah, go hard at him. What does this have to do with AI though, brother?

That's what I'm saying. Then you don't even have to do the interviews. Oh, you creed. You creed. Fake paper. Or how about this? Who is that? I've never seen that person. Can you get clear pictures of the crows? You send it to us. We will AI a conversation. This guy is an idiot. You've got to be kidding me. This guy is not speaking crow to me. It's all fucking crow to me, this guy. There's not one word I understand. Yeah.

So here's my question about that, because there's actually something one I like for the show and two I like is a backup pitch. Before you do anything helpful, can you try to just film him?

Yeah. Yeah. Because I think it'd be really fun and really funny. And we'll air it during this thing too. We'll post it on social media if you want. We can blur your dad's face up, but I guarantee he's not following our Instagram account if he's talking to crows. No. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's not. But the idea of just getting footage of a Canadian guy walking down the street, if you could get that for us in a nice wide shot. Nice wide, but then cut in. If you can get coverage. And then get coverage and then come around. Yeah.

And let's get your reaction. Let's get a little B-roll too, just trees, cars. Also, if you've got a C-camera, get people in the neighborhood. Split off. Split off C-camera. Go get some sort of interviews around the neighborhood, men on the street stuff. So what do you think of these two ideas we've kind of given? Because here's what I would do. I personally wouldn't do the – unless it's AI, I would maybe do fake AI people talking shit on them. But I do know this. If my daughters brought that to me one day –

And we're like, hey, dad, you know this weird quirk you have? And I go like, I wouldn't call it a weird quirk. Go on. And then they go, here's a bunch of people talking shit on you. Hey, what's up? Please do it. Please do it. So now this is me in Canada watching clips about my weird quirk.

Yes, I know that guy down the block. Yeah, he's always crowing and it's very weird and off-putting and don't like it. Wait, your AI movement is amazing. Pardon me, but I don't like what he's doing.

I think it's weird and I don't think the crows like it either. Sorry. Really good stuff, Nick. Thanks, man. The two things. What are you thinking? What zone are you in? What are the options? The options are show your dad this video.

But honestly, like that would hit home for me. And I think logic wise, it could hit home for your dad. The other is camouflage yourself and film him and go, Hey dad. Yeah. You need to see what you look like. Yeah. Because I, I know you think you're talking to them and they're talking back. Oh,

Ask a neighbor if you can go in their house and get a POV from the neighbor. So it's like you're filming from somebody else's house and go, I know what you think you're doing, but you're speaking gibberish to crows. But here's what you're speaking in English in Canada. Yeah. You walk up to their house. You knock on the door. You say, hi. You know the creepy weird guy who crows and crows all day long?

I'm his daughter. Can I go up to your second floor? Can I come into your home under your second floor and clandestinely film someone? You know that guy, that weird guy who grows? I was talking to Nick Kroll, and he said... He said what Nick Kroll said, but he was with Jake, whose last name is... The guy. The guy's last name, Johnson. Oh, my God.

What do you think, Nicole? Out of those two, you happy with one of them? It's possible that the second one of filming my dad and having him see what it's like for other people, it's possible that would work. Again, it could go the total opposite direction. I agree. He's like, look how great I am. Yeah. Because I have tried to hit him with logic before as far as other...

bird watching stuff goes and it's like he he's a brick wall like do you want to show him like have you showed him like the birds like movies about crows does he like maybe i have an i have an idea i bought him books about crows yeah i haven't done that what if we write a fake letter from the city

Oh, wow. That would be amazing. Saying like, hey, you know, we know what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with it in theory, but you're harassing. What did we refer to? You're harassing the crows because they don't know what you're saying to them. And we've studied them a lot longer than you. And even though what you're trying to do is nice here, pal. It's not what they need. It's like a lady walking down the street and construction workers yelling all day. They're just trying to raise their families. They're just trying to mate.

And there you are screaming at them all day and you're scaring them. Right? Oh, you're scaring them. Yeah. Hey, you know, very real wave friend. You're scaring the crows. We'll use an aerial font, but it'll have a little tilt to it for Canada. What do you think of that? I like that a lot. You do? What do you think of either us writing it or you writing it and we created here? What feels better to you? Mm-hmm.

See what I'm doing here, Rob? I think if you guys write it. Sorry, Rob. Okay, so let's come up with it. Nick, will you take the first stab of being the Canadian government, the city? Are you in Vancouver? Where are you?

So my parents are in Vancouver. I'm in like, I don't know if you guys know, but like Burnaby area. I don't know what you guys know about. I'm like 30 minutes away. Shout out to Barnaby. Okay. So what we're going to do then tell us if we get this right and we can run it with you over email after, but we want to get the address, right. We want to get everything. And then we'll just send it to them in the mail. Dear. Yeah. So, so from the city council, the city council, dear Jim,

from everyone here at the City Council. -Excellence. -We acknowledge that you are an important part of our community, that you've made great contributions. -Sweet. -We feel lucky that-- We feel great that you want to have such a strong connection to nature, but your communication with the crows-- Pardon, but it needs to end.

Keep going. Why? It's making neighbors feel a bit uncomfortable. They're worried that you're summoning crows. Many crows. Thousands. A murder of crows. And that's what you call a group of crows. A murder of crows. We're worried that you're bringing an absolute murder of crows who will come invade Vancouver. A city ill-equipped to do it.

We offer so much here in Vancouver. Beautiful seaside views, wonderful seafood, amazing Asian cuisine. But one thing we cannot tolerate beyond giving methadone to junkies is an absolute murder of crows taking over our city.

You know politics never comes first. Especially here in Canada. Especially here in Canada, where we let... Cut. Sorry, okay. New letter? No. We're right there, we're right there. Okay, okay. Nothing's more important than community, and we value your... No, I take that back.

How are we doing? Is this real? Yes. It's great. Okay. We value your contribution to the community, but the crowing at the crows needs to stop immediately. We ask for your participation or your acceptance of this. We are not looking to, we're not looking for any further correspondence. Thank you so much. Thank you.

And then we'll say Vancouver City Council and we'll find no names. We'll just find them like that. Vancouver City Council, like Ryan Seacrest. What do you think of that, Nicole? And it's literally going to come in the mail. The problem is it's going to come from Los Angeles.

No, you can put a different return address. Oh, we can. Okay, great. One of us will run it up there. Yeah. Nick will run it up there. But so we will email that. We will literally send a hard copy to your dad.

Mm-hmm. So now you've got... Can I just... Please. Could you get photos of him from somewhere? Like, this is when you do want to sneak up to someone's second floor. Yeah, and get him doing it from the... Get him doing it and have... But the photos are printed on that weird, curly, sort of shiny, like, parking ticket place.

Yes. Rob, is that something we can pull off? As best we can. Yeah, as best we can. You know what I mean? Yes, I know exactly what you mean. You feel like it's official paper. Right, like official shitty paper. Yes. And you could also put those little shitty pictures on the letter. So on the one page of this letter, because at the bottom of it, they're on it. So you just go like, oh, they have proof. They have pictures of it. And then maybe do a photo of like a murder of crows. Yes.

Or there's like a thousand crows. Hold their hands up and be like, what the fuck is this guy saying? Or we could also do an AI photo of crows that have taken over a town. So it's a town overrun by crows. Because this option is we're saying to him,

We're afraid you're feeding them and calling to them. You're going to bring so many in. Yeah. And like, here's what would be another pitch is like you get one of the ferries coming from Vancouver Island, right? Absolutely covered. We AI a murder of crows, just like all on a boat on their way to the mainland. Why aren't they flying? You don't need to take a boat. That's how pissed they are.

This fucking guy, Danny. This fucking guy. I'm so mad I can't even fly anymore. What time's the next ferry? So, Nicole, I think we've actually given you some solid options. We're here to help. Yes. What are you going to do now? You talk for a little bit. Let's get a sense of where you're at here. You're the star. Yeah. So, I like the letter. As you guys were doing it, like, I'm...

fairly certain that if he if it comes from like city council he 100 will write back like no question in my mind what if we do it anonymously yeah if it's anonymously that'll be better he has no idea where it's coming from so rather than you tell us so if it's anonymous is it from the neighborhood is it what is it where is it from

What would not be good. And then, so we just have to put a little sweetness in there cause no one's looking to hurt dad's feeling. So it's, we're all fans of you. We're all fans. Yeah. Everybody likes you around here and your spirit. You're the best with that in mind. What we're afraid of is you bringing a

murder of girls to our lovely little community Jimbo or whatever his name is and it's too much thank you for the call follow up with us but we're gonna do a letter so we're gonna email you and it's gonna be now that it's not from the city it's even easier it's gonna be an anonymous letter and we'll run it by you before we send it to you okay

Lovely. But when you follow up, this one's going to be a victory. Your dad's going to stop. And we're not going to shame him. No, we're going to make him feel empowered. Yeah, and also that his power might be too great. The one thing I will pitch is that, unfortunately, the letter is anonymous, but it's clear that it's coming from chipmunks. So then he starts talking to the chipmunks.

Thank you for the call. This is Alvin. Thank you, guys. This is Alvin. I got two of my brothers. Theodore is over here. Listen. Look. Hello. Hello. How you doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing great. Glad to hear it. What's your name? I'm Jean. Hey, Jean. Hi, Jean. It's Nick Kroll. Hi, Nick Kroll. How's it going?

Fabulous. Great. I'm excited to get some results here. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. You've got to be a big fan of Jake. A massive. Gene, where are you calling from? Chicago, Illinois. Get the fuck out of here. We're in Chicago.

I'm currently in Andersonville. I'm from Evanston, though, your old neighbor. I lived on an apartment on South Hinman, 740 with my mother. I lived on Hinman and Keeney for a long time, too. We were fucking neighbors. Really? Dude, see, kinship. Nick, where'd you live? Where'd you grow up, Nick? New York State, right? I grew up in Ike Barinholtz's house. Oh.

Also in Evanston. Yeah. I think he was Chicago, wasn't he? Yeah. Let's move on. Nick doesn't like to talk about anything personal stuff. Yeah. I hid in Julia Louis-Dreyfus' hamper when she was at Northwestern. I was four years old. I loved being in there. He was a wonderful college actor. She was at all the plays. All the plays.

She's still very funny. Yeah, she's very good. So, Jean from Chicago, and how old are you? I am 32. 32, and... You had a little hesitation in telling us that you were 32.

Because honestly, I don't think that I'm supposed to be this young at forgetting my age. My birthday's in June, but I had to think about it for a moment for whatever reason. It does get embarrassing. Yeah. Have you noticed that time is hurtling past? Yeah. That you can't believe we're back. I'm falling and I'm about to hit my face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My birthday's in June and I cannot believe I'm in striking distance of my birthday. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you have your birthday planned out? Yeah. Are you a big birthday guy? Yeah, I do six days at Disneyland by myself. I get six days to myself. No kids. No wife. Just the ride. I do the same thing. I do showbiz. I do junkie cheese. I do all the arcades. All the...

Oh, the muffins. Just you and Mickey going wild. No kids. Yeah. It's my day. It's my week. A lot of mothers do Mother's Day. What? A lot of moms who do Mother's Day, they go, all I want is a break. Yeah. That's my birthday. That's Christmas. Yeah. That's Thanksgiving. I had them all. And I go to Dave and Buster's, and I challenge other people's kids to games. And I love it. I compete. So, Gene, Chicago, 32, Evanston, what's going on? What can we help you with today? Yeah.

So I recently moved apartments with my boyfriend of about five years. We lived together beforehand, but he moved onto my turf into my apartment. So this is our first neutral ground and he has got awful atrocious taste in art. And every time I shoot down his art, he takes it as me shooting down him. Everything represents him.

no matter how horrible. I know, but also I got to say, Jean, I got to say, and I know we're going to get back to you,

You are shooting them down. You are. I am. One thousand percent. And art is in the eye of the beholder. I know it. His ten ways that beers are better than girls art is fucking funny. But it is. Yes. An FBI. Yeah. I don't know if he's a boob inspector. I mean, it's funny. He's got a how's your ass been poster. Oh, wait. This is it. Oh, this is the art? Okay. So, Jane, we're seeing a photo. What is that? Is that Cartman? Cartman?

Partially. It's Cart Wad. He's a cross between Cart Man and Neat Wad. Oh, sure. And my boyfriend's name is Nicholas Segetti. And if this doesn't work, I will put him on blast and shame him into this. And.

And when you got this, it was a very... There was real hostility at that point. That got hot. That got hot. That got Chicago is what I like to call it. Yeah. Got a little mean. Yeah. But I loved it. Well, it's a little bit fresh. We're having a game night right now at our place. Okay.

the guys that like, I'm literally in the car right now sitting on Clark street. And, uh, I used to work on the guys team and yeah, Sam, look at us. We're, I'm just following you soon enough. I'll be sitting where you are. Absolutely freezing in a car. It is really cold and I can't be on the, on the car speaker. I got the phone pressed. I got a blanket over me right now. But give me a second, Jim, just cause I, but Jim, give me a second. Cause I interrupted. So you guys just moved in together. Uh,

And he has this terrible taste in art. And there's a lot of this kind of like bad pop culture art around.

It's a variety. Jake, I apologize in advance. He really wanted to hang a Bears fans parking sign. I know. He wants this like man cave sign. I know. I've allowed this three by five foot boxing panda. Okay. So you're dating an absolute parody of a man from Chicago. Yeah.

Yeah. And I'm not, he's so he's from Vegas. And so I was kind of like, he's aspirational. He's been, he wants to live this Chicago dream. He's dipped the French meat. Now he's in. So what question for you? He wants me to die inside. Yeah. So, all right. So Jane, so essentially what the question is, is then how do I get him to take all this art down? Is that correct?

Yeah, I guess like, or find neutral ground between this and normal. People keep complimenting it too, which is driving me insane. But that doesn't matter. People compliment the wrong stuff all the time. So you, but they do. The stuff that people like a lot of times is the worst stuff. So we can't go to a third person's point of view. This is between you and him. So when you guys were separate,

what's your style? And then do we have more photos of his style before we start pitching? So do you have images of your stuff, Jane? I literally, I told my friend that I was doing this and she's just sent me a photo of the guys that are at our place doing game night, admiring his art on the wall. Can we see it? Yeah. I like if she's like,

My art tastes different. It's just like, it's just like huge deep, it's pictures of huge deep dish pieces and hot dogs with tomatoes. I do have, I do have a very cool thing of like the original L like system from like 19 something, 58. So do me a favor, Jean, really fast. I can figure out a way to. Yeah. Tell me, just let's take a second. Tell me, paint a picture of your style and then paint a picture of his style.

Thanks. I just want everything to feel very light. So it's, I don't know, like right now I've got like some, it looks like almost like what you would put to, this isn't going to sound good, like patch up a wall, but it's in designs on like a nice light canvas. I've got some colorful like cartoons of our dog. I've got, I've got like, I'm pretty varied in it.

And, you know, I feel like you've got some like wood that you've painted. Do you have like wood that you've... She just plowed right through me. I mean, I'm plowing through you, but I'm just... Sorry, Chicago. Okay, Chicago. Chicago. How do you say Chicago? Chicago. Chicago. Yeah. Do you have like wood that's painted white?

You know what I mean? Like, you know, that's like trying to keep it light and airy. It's like, Oh, like would you paint a natural, like a built in white? Yeah. Oh, I hope not. Do you have like old, is it like a 90 year old building and everything just has like a white coat over everything?

I mean, I do have paint all over everything with the landlord special, but not my doing that. Okay. So I'm just trying to get a sense. So your style, Gene, is kind of neutral. You got a little bit of funk to you, but you kind of just want it to look like, and I don't mean this as a mean thing, I'm painting a picture, but like something that could possibly be like an Airbnb. Yeah.

Totally. Right? But that's what it's like. I don't want my place to be – I don't want my art to be the talking piece. Yeah, so that's what I mean. So your kind of place looks like you're like light pastels, a little funky patch art thing. So I'm not talking about a terrible Airbnb, but you go to a nice Airbnb and you go like this. But I don't want to get there and go, this guy's got some weird taste in art and I'm staying here. Right, but I'm also like there's the Airbnbs that you go to where – I've been going to where it's like –

This lady's very interested in roosters. That's agreed. Like there's like themed Airbnbs where it's like, it's a lot. But you're choosing that. Always. Correct. Always choosing the rooster house. If you got something specific, I'm staying in your place. Yeah. If you're theming it, whales, roosters, motocross. So I did email over the photo of the men admiring this giant panda painting. Okay.

It's sizable. So there's that. So there's a bunch of people at your house. Yeah, keep going. How do you like his friends? They're my friends. So they're all right. Oh, by the way. Oh, that's a great look. By the way, I have no problem. Is that a panda with hooks? It's a panda with boxing gloves. Is it a dog with jeans on? So that is the panda with boxing gloves, correct? Correct.

Yeah, and he keeps saying, like, oh, that's me. I'm the panda. I love to box. I haven't seen this man box in our entire relationship. I asked him if there's, like, a timeline on passion. Does he eat bamboo? Yeah.

He's a massive bamboo guy. Gene, this is amazing. Can I ask, though, the guy in the middle, the friend in the middle? So there's a guy in a beard drinking a beer. There's a guy in a hat. Then there's somebody else leaning against. Is

Is he, is the guy in the middle? Okay. The guy in the, in the green shirt drinking the beer is the purveyor of the art. Yes. That is Nicholas. That's your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's, he's very proud. That's the man of the house. Yeah. He's proud of this painting. Oh yeah. He's like, he's acting like he's at, at, you know, museum of contemporary art. He doesn't look like a boxer, but he does look a little like a panda. Yeah.

For sure. He's like a little red panda, isn't he? I got to say this to start, and you're not going to like it, Gene. You're supposed to be on my side. I'll just remind you before you start. I know, and Gene, I'm going to end up on your side, but by being your friend, the premise is if they call, we're on their side no matter what. So I'm on your side, but I like the panda. I like the panda too. If I'm at that game night and I got that host going, check it out,

I would way rather see this. Like I'm seeing the gray walls and the white finish. That is all that trim is painted white. Yeah. So I'm like, it's, it's got the light airy look that you want. I'm seeing the throw pillows have that clean look. I'm like, you want him to take that down and put what? Like a generic piece of art there.

It's just any time he wants to bring anything in. I know it. It's personal. That panda is him. Cartwad is him. They're all self-proclaimed.

He wanted to get this really tacky guitar-shaped art. He wants to feel seen. Yes. He's trying to express to you and his friends who he is. This is me. This is me. I'm a fucking man. I am sort of Meatwad slash Cartman. And with love in my heart, he does look a little like...

Meat, wine, and carpet. Totally. So he wants, and he feels like a pan who's a boxer. What he's saying to you is he's, I'm tough, but I'm sweet. Yes. And I, and I, and I, I, I'm, I got a, I got a, yes, I'm tough, but I'm sweet. And so he's trying to come at you in his place. He's trying to come out of in that way. Like, look like, I know. And I can't be tamed. But Gene, do you get, do you, you obviously understand all that? Yes. Yes.

1,000%. I've been told it's me many times. Yeah, but for you, you're like, I don't give a rat's ass. I don't want to see how this artwork. How much common space do you, how much space is there in the apartment? Like, are we looking at the, like, we're coming from, like, the TV room, looking into, like, a dining room, and then, like, what are we looking at here? How many rooms? Yeah, so we got a one-bedroom, one-bath. At our old place, we had a spare room. Right. So I just kind of, like, shoved him and all of his stuff into the spare bedroom. You're in a tough spot.

And he also, this is going to sound rude, he also has an old Lazy Boy. It's from 2002. Oh, jeez. And it looks like it's from 2002. His dad died in it. And I hate that, too. Oh, my God.

I know. It's okay. My dad's dead, too. I'm not trying to keep his stuff around. You are so Chicago. I feel like I'm at Thanksgiving, and I'm 14, and you're an aunt, and I'm going, whoa. Whoa. You just said, like, yeah, your grandfather died. Oh, what, are you going to cry? So did mine. Yeah. And I go, you're right. The fucking dog died. Your dad died on this lazy bit. What are we going to save it? That's what goodwill's for. Yeah.

His body leaked. It got into the gears. It's a shame. You know when somebody dies, they let out juices, baby. Those juices are on the Lazy Boy. Your dad ain't. Your dad's in the ground. Yeah. Your dad ain't on the couch. He's actually on the shelf. He's on the shelf not far from the Lazy Boy. Okay, here's...

So rephrase, because now we've got a very clear setup. This guy is holding on to everything. You hate it. You're also what I like about you, and when I'm not nervous on this call, you're not a pushover. He's not dominating you. No. If he's a panda with boxing gloves, you're a goddamn grizzly with boxing gloves. But he's winning, or at least, let me ask you a question. Bottom line is, you're all bears. We're in Chicago, right? 100%. I got a question for you.

Of the wall space slash art slash furniture is 100% of everything, right? What percentage is his? Because there's only two of yous. Is it 50-50, honey? Are we talking 60-40? What are we talking about? No. Right now? Yeah. Word? He's in a spot. He's in a spot.

He's got 60. I got 40. And he's got a lot of knickknacks, too. I'm not even going to get into the knickknacks. Gene, I'm talking about everything. If you looked at your space and you looked at everything, every knickknack paddywhack counts here, babe. Right now, we're trying to figure out a deal. You've got to give this bear a bone.

He might have enough bones. We might have to take some away. Yeah. But we got to give him a bone. But if he's got 10 bones, we got to take five back. Sure, we got to take them away. Because here's what we need, Gene. We got to make him think that he's getting the next one. Now we're talking. Here's what we got to do, actually. That started off as a bit of these two old salesmen, but here's what I think we need to do. What's his name again? Andrew?

Nick. Nick. I wasn't even close. And I was 100% confident. And by the way, it's the name of the person, the other person you're talking to. I was going to say, but I'm sorry. We won't throw him under the bus. All right. What's his name again? And you are? Andrew. Andrew. Have you guys met? That's how I try to find out your name. I ask her. You guys know each other? Hey, call it. You know this guy? So here's my question. Here's what...

Would you be happy, now we want the truth before we start getting into this, Gene. If it's 50-50 between you and Nick, you happy with that or no? And be honest now. Can you live with it? I would be happier if we could, yeah, I'd be okay with it. But I'd be happier if we could just find neutral art. If we could find some, the panda, honestly, I'll be honest with you, I told you.

He's not going to... He just doesn't want neutral art. He needs... But what was that last thing you just said about the panda? The panda's growing on me. It's just when... Because now we're in a spot I've gotten because he also was like

It's all basic. It's boring. It doesn't strike up a conversation. I don't have a problem striking up a conversation, so that's not really my concern. Right. But we need neutral. We need things that are both of us. I have a pitch. Yeah, I like it. Go ahead. I'm here. Go for it. So what he wants is things that strike up a conversation. What if the art you pick strikes up the wrong kind of conversations? I'm down. You want to send me some giant nudes of you? I'll put them up.

No, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking more like a fox taking a dump on ice. He would like that. He would like that. The bottom of it says, go fish. I'm looking for something where you walk into someone's house and you go, what's that, my man? What you got up there? I got a pitch too. Does he have funny t-shirts? Could we get him some funny t-shirts to start a conversation?

Like, put the art, let him wear the art. He doesn't shut up. He doesn't need help starting a conversation. I have an idea. Okay. I have an idea. All right. And it goes off your idea of... Nudes of Jake? Nudes of... What if we... What if we did this? Nick and I take a bunch of photos today. We do different poses. We make posters. And we send it to you. And you hang up. I don't know if this is the place...

if this fucking schmuck deserves it this panda express yeah but jake and i've been taking pictures of ourselves oh my god nick oh nick you're a genius jake and i have been taking pictures of ourselves and sending them back and forth for i'd say 10 years if we go back to the first one nick we've been

We've been taking really low angle, truly repulsive pictures. The worst photos you could take. The worst pictures you could take of yourself. And we have...

We've been loosely communicating over the last 10 years largely through these pictures. That's exactly right. But big life events. I'll make a gallery wall of that. I would rather have that than this. Okay, but this is what – so this is a very real pitch all of a sudden. We got to make sure we actually have them. Yeah. Because my – I mean, I'm out of data. Yeah.

So I got to clear the phone every couple weeks. You need to offload them. You can just send them to me. So here's what we're thinking on this. Can we just, by the way, I don't remember her name. Jean. Jean, can you pull back on what I'm feeling is some like a little bit of like just send me the pics? Yeah. Like I need to come to this on my own and I don't want you to make, I don't want to feel your aggressiveness about getting Jake to send you pictures of him. Okay? Okay.

Okay. All right. Can you promise me that? I promise. I won't compromise. I won't compromise. But I think this has actually turned into something great because this is a real bit that we have done for so long. Send it to Rob. I don't have Rob's number. I can't give him my number. Okay, send it to me. Yeah, no, I'm kidding. I'll send it, Rob. So, Gene, we're going to, you know what we might actually do? We might email them to you too right now.

Can you look at them on your phone as you're talking? I'm looking at the last two that I have. Rob, I'm going to, who do I, can I, hold on. One second, Shane. This is an incredible pitch. Now, if this is, is this something you're kind of interested in? Like you guys, like I'm down with it. And we interestingly have no photos up there. It's all art. So then here's the kind of pitch we're going to try to do. We're going to send you a lot of these photos.

And then what is the move here, Rob? Should we make posters and send to him? We should get like Framebridge to do it. Let's get Framebridge to do it. Okay, perfect. We will figure out and we will get a company to frame these and we're going to send them to you and I want you to put a bunch on your wall and we're going to give you too many. And so when he says one less, you go, I'll take one down if you take one of your things down. Do we want to show...

I mean, this is so... Jean, does this sound good? Jean, you are getting... Yeah, I'm 1,010%. Okay, good. This is a... Do you have... Can you put it up? I have only brothers. I'm the only girl. I'm all about a prank, too. Okay. And I'll commit to it. Jean, this is not a prank. But I'm going to give you credit, Nick.

I fully forgot about this. You did? No, I don't when I do our photos together. I forgot about it here. Yes. To pull that into this pitch. Right as we're talking about photos? Yeah. Incredible, Dick. I think this feels like, but I want you to know, Gene, this is like a very personal thing that has been between me and Jake exclusively. And nobody else? I mean, I've shown it to so many people. Sure, of course.

I exaggerate. Who did I show it to? Nick and Nick Lachey. I'm so glad to be one of the boys in this situation and find a home for your photos. It was with the contestants on Love is Blind. You were? Yeah, James. Oh my God. He showed it to Debbie. How do you know the hosts? Nah, it doesn't matter. That's fucking cool as hell. Yeah. I go to the bars out in Minnie. I was out in Minnesota. We all go to the same bars. Fucking super cool people, man. Fucking actually really cool people. Yeah.

This is just, I'm not joking, a smattering. This is, these are one of each of us from like, we have, I'd say, Gene, over the last 10 years, we have like 20 of these each. When one of us has a life event, it'll be there. Congrats, man. I hope everything's going good. Yeah, it's, and some of them are pretty successful.

Any of them do it. Oh my God. Holy shit, Gene. So we have a solution. What we're going to do is we're going to send you a bunch of these photos. Um, and we'll have them framed. So sexy. But here's how you, but Gene, here's how you win. I think when you put these on, you have to take down one of the ones you don't like of his and,

And say, like, that's the trade. Does that sound good? Fine. Yeah. Let's do it. Does this solve the problem? By the way, this is a real walk down memory lane for me because I'm, like, looking back and I'm like, oh, I miss that water bottle so much. Oh, sorry. Okay, so, Gene, we've got a winner. And then when you...

Will you do us a favor? Yeah, I'm going to send you photos of it. Will you send photos of the next game night when people are standing around these photos? I'm looking back to see where they start.

Yes, and send photos of them on your Facebook page. This is a big one. And send photos of them hopefully enjoying this. Did you see this? It's so hot. You look so fucking hot. Thanks, brother. You guys are going to be so psyched. Yeah, we're sitting in the bedroom. You got nudes. You got nudes. Perfect.

You're getting your nudes and you're getting provocative. I miss this fucking WNYC water bottle so much. It was square. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like WNYC, like perfect oh hello nonsense. Yeah. This thing was a square water bottle. Fits in nothing. That's what public radio is. You know what I mean? It's like, here's this, do you have a square tumbler in your car to put your water bottle? Then get this red WNYC water bottle. The wrong shape for any car you'll ever be in.

But perfect to fit in your nook in the library where you rent books to read. Hey, Jane. Yeah. Follow up with us. We're going to, Rob's going to be in touch with you. We're going to send you stuff. This is a big win.

This is a big win for you guys. I'm very excited. Me too. And also, just quick, in general, he, you know, also remember that part of the fun of your relationship is this push and pull. So don't forget that you like part of your shtick with each other and your friends is that he's like, what? It's a fucking panda playing bear. But this is going to take it to another level. Yeah.

Hey, Gene, do me a favor, though. Don't tell him the solution. Does he know you're on this call right now? He knows. Okay, so then say it went well and go, what was the solution? And go, you'll see. You'll see.

Oh, yeah. I told him. I said, we need to pull in the heavy hitters. And he was like, I want to read what you told them. I want to make sure they understand where I'm coming from. I was like, it's not about you. And so I'm going to go back in and I'm going to be like, you'll see. You'll see. Just wait. Film the unveiling. Film the unveiling. Yes. By the way, that's right. I would like to see him seeing it. Yeah. I want him to.

And then maybe for the follow-up. Are you looking for artwork in your bedroom or no? Like, is this part of it? Is your bedroom still unfinished? We don't have any artwork up in our bedroom. If you have some tasteful items that you would like, we could go in there. You know something we got in mind? This would be... You know, do we have any...

It should be pretty good for the bedroom. Like, do you have a wall when your bed, when you pop up that you look at and you're...

I mean, I'm down. Our neighbors are pretty chill. I could put it on the ceiling if you want it to be what he sees when he opens his eyes in the morning. All right, we're going to win on this one, Jane. This is going to be a very, very... Should I be sending more pictures along? No, no. But for the pod? Yeah, let's just do a bunch. Yeah. I do have mine too. So, Jane, we're good. We're going to be in touch with you, but... I'm not joking. Okay, Gene.

All right. We'll talk to you soon, Gene.

Wait, before you go, I do have one suggestion. Okay. You guys were struggling to find a name for your followers, and I think you came up with the ones and twos. Yes. And I think it should be the further a dudes. Okay. The further a dudes. But then that's the dudes. I don't want some people, unless dudes is then dudes is males and females. Yeah. I call my lady pals dudes all the time. I like that. The further a dudes. Okay. I'll throw it out.

Just something, just a little help from me back at you. I appreciate it. And returning the favor. I'm really excited to see the new design of the place and share it with you guys. So thank you. I appreciate you. And again, I don't want to ask too much of you, but I do, can you get your hands on the Queer Eye production crew to come in to just shoot the reveal? Okay.

Here's what I'd like. Here's what I'm going to ask. That's my next call, actually. Is I want a wide of each room where the art is, like a wide picture, just a general picture of it, where the art lies now. And then I want a same angle once you've finished all of the pictures.

Like when you change the art. Yes, totally. And then we can do like a star wipe to what like the new room looks like. Like when they, you know what I mean? They make over the house and then your boyfriend walks in and then I want that filmed and I want, yeah. And the tears start flowing and his life has changed forever. You got it.

So tell me what you got going on, Nick. Okay. You got adults? I got, so I got Big Mouth coming out on May 23rd and then Adults on FX that I produced and directed some of. How are you, man? It's so, I think it's going to be a great show. It's like 20-somethings in New York. Fun.

and these Ben Cronigold and Rebecca Shaw created it five really fucking funny young actors and how'd you like directing it?

I loved it. Yeah. I was, I had, it was also cause I produced it. So I've been involved with it for like four or five years. So it was, it was nice to then actually go and do it. And it was fun to do it and not have to be on. And, and they were all great. It was really fun. I think the show is really funny. It's like a real FX kind of show, but in that kind of, in that tradition of like,

If the girls and girls were living in Brooklyn, now these kids have to live in deep Queens. They're living at one of the kids' parents' house, and they all live there together. First place out of college. Cool. It's funny. And then...

So that comes out on FX on the 28th and then drops on Hulu that night, all eight episodes. So FX and now Hulu are doing it together. FX for Hulu, yeah. Or however that is. And then I got a movie coming out the next week called

June 6, me and Andrew Rannells called I Don't Understand You. We're a married couple and going to Italy for a family vacation. We've been trying to adopt a baby, Amanda Seyfried's baby. Okay. She's not playing a character. We're trying to adopt actually Amanda Seyfried. It's a documentary. It's a documentary. And so who directed the one with you and Andrew?

uh this couple brian crano and david craig it's lightly based on them like adopting their son and then like a italian vacation that goes off the rails so basically we're a couple we go to rome and then we go and it just goes off the rails and it's like a very it's funny but like kind of suspensy a farce

Uh, and, uh, we shot nights, uh, for a month in Rome with, and I had a two year old and, uh,

You lost your mind. I lost my mind. I lost my mind. Yeah, for sure. So please see this movie. You're going to see a very weird film. It ultimately was a very challenging time in my life with my young family. And so please go to the movie theater where it's being released to see it so that I can justify what was a very stressful, complicated experience, personally speaking. Yeah.

I loved working with Andrew. I loved the film. Very hard experience. Yeah. We would shoot nights. And then I would come home at like five in the 45 minutes outside of Rome. Pass. And then come back and go to sleep at like 5 a.m. Wash like rain and mud off my body. And then my son, who was like nearly to just...

freaking out at seven in the morning. So I'd get two hours of sleep until, and he would scream. And down in the, we were living near the Spanish Steps. You know, like there's like the center, which is an incredibly beautiful place, but like Times Square. You know what I mean? Like it was like- - So loud, so crazy. - So like tourists, thousands of tourists at all times.

And we had a beautiful apartment. It was really cool. But we were at the top. We could hear everything. Just like a busker playing an electric violin all day. Coldplay. All hours of the day. Oh, my God. Seven in the morning. So we had this vision of what this movie was going to be. And it wasn't that. No. It was...

It was a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare, but it was because I also then had amazing times like with my son and like these, yes, of course. Great Saturday. Great Saturday. You know, you could also do, just go to Italy for six days. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got those three projects. I got those three projects. I also read there's a new animated show on Netflix. Oh yeah. We're doing a followup. They got the folks that I made a big mouth with, uh,

Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Jen Flackett. We're making a new show called Mating Season. Fun. About animals dating and fucking. Fun. Yeah. Nick, you're one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Man, I really appreciate you saying that, Jake. Say it back. Jake. Say it back. End is strong. Johnson. That's my name. You're one of the, this has been fun, man. This has been fun. Say it back.

Say it back because I can edit out all the middle. Let's just do it. Nick, you're one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Jake, you're one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Rob, cut out all the middle stuff and cut out me saying it to him. I'm getting ****. Cut that part. You can bleep it if you want. Blur out the mouth. By the way, let's start the thing with him saying that to me. Say it in the middle and the end.

You are fucking so funny. This has been so fun. It's so fun. We got to go get a beer, man. We got to get a beer. Yeah. Yes. Non-alcoholic. I got a lot to tell you. Are you an NA guy? No.

I do like non-alcoholic beer. You do? I weirdly like it. Yeah. Yeah. You still get turned bright red when you drink beer? Yeah. And I get hives. Yeah. Yeah. You use Celia? I'm actually going through, no, but I have an allergy thing. Yeah, I know. We've talked about that. We've talked. And it's getting worse. I know. Mine is. And I'm like really trying hard. Buddy. I'm like doing all this stuff. I know. And I'm like, I'm literally eating nothing and I'm like. Yeah. Literally a full on attack. Always. A constant. Constant. A constant fire. Yeah. Fred fire. Same. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Nick, that's it. Oh, also New Girls season five coming up. You won't believe what the guys are up to. All right. Here's the deal about Piggly and Moe.

It's just got to be in moderation. You know, my grandmother used to say everything in moderation, even virtue. And now it's everything in moderation, even Piggly and Mo. You know, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's OK. Just just don't overdo it. Even chocolate stops stops being awesome if you eat too much chocolate.

Anyone who didn't appreciate what Piggly and Mo were doing just weren't capable of understanding their undeniable chemistry. I mean, they very well might have saved that grandpa's life who wouldn't stop giving himself heat stroke. They stopped someone from using their roommate's vaginal scrub on their face. I need more. I want a spinoff. This is Dylan from the Pacific Northwest. Long live Piggly and Mo. Hey, if you guys can save Piggly and Mo, that would be great. Piggly owes me five bucks, so...

do with that information as you will they're my dogs they save my life let's save theirs hey guys this is reedy from canada i just want to say i love the show so much and uh we're doing some re-listens and i gotta say let's get mary holland back man her back and forth you guys is so funny just fits right in i'm huge fan of the show love you guys oh yeah and fuck pigley and moe

Hi, Gareth and Jake. This is Lauren from Arkansas. I love your podcast and think it is hilarious. I am a therapist in the Central Arkansas area who recently had a conversation with my dad about how...

the temperature affects your sleep because they like to sleep at about, my parents like to sleep at about 75 degrees. So instead of going for Piggly and Mo, I just did a quick Google and Cleveland Clinic and WebMD both say that the ideal sleeping temperature is between 60 and 67 degrees. So my idea is that instead of Piggly and Mo, which if you Google them,

a bunch of Piggly Wiggly stores show up, a quick Google would have served in this particular case. Anyway, love the podcast. Hope you all have a great day. Bye. Dear Mr. Reynolds and dear Mr. Johnson, first I must say your podcast is awesome. Regarding this business with Piggly and Mo, people must realize it's just a show. It's all just a bit. It's all just for fun.

I think they should stay, and I'm not the only one. So take my advice and listen to my words. And I think I ran out of things to rhyme. Goodbye.

Hello, Jake and Gareth. Longtime lister of the show, but I felt compelled to call in with my voice note here and just audibly gasped out loud on my evening walk when I came to realize that both of you did not know who Aragorn from Lord of the Rings was. Just appalled. I thought you were my people. I'm from the Midwest. I'm from the Milwaukee area. I love hearing the banter of like,

The Packers, the Bears, you know, the usual stuff. At one point, Gareth talked about Brown Deer Road. I went to Homestead High School. This is all like in my universe. And then my dreams of being my people are shattered.

I don't care if you're into fantasy or not. I'm not. They're good fucking movies. How can you be in the entertainment industry and not have seen these at least once to at least appreciate them as good films? I am totally devastated, totally disappointed. I really hope you both do your homework. If you like Star Wars, I'm guessing one or both of you like the Star Wars trilogy, you're going to like these movies, at least some.

face value. Please, please, please make an effort and watch these movies. I think your fans will appreciate it. Thanks.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com/heretohelppod. - Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. - And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new HeadGum podcast called

here to make friends. - Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called "Dead to Me," which is a show about murder. - But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. - Which can really happen, and it has happened to us! - It's true! - Because life is imitated

art. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now we're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett. Wow, I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. And Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life. Yeah, take it out of the podcast studio and into real life.

Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Uh-huh. Careering. Yeah. And why we love Thelma and Louise, and it's the greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.