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We're here to help.
And we are back. We got a Gareth special Wednesday release. I've missed these because we've had a lot of guests. Yeah, I think, you know, well, you and I were talking and trying to curate these a little bit more, but I agree. I think it's... It's fun. It's fun. It's a fun way to look back. And look, if you want to complain, complain. But...
But Jake, for this one, I wanted to do a full episode featuring Kat. And to answer anyone's question, not Kat.
Mrs. Gingerbread because it felt like we had a lot of the gingerbread going on. A lot of people hate it. A lot of people are upset. A lot of people loved it. I still love it. You know what's been fun about season two and what I appreciate about the community? What? They've gotten very vocal. Yes. Yeah.
But those who love stuff, the debates have been fun. It's just making it, it's a whole different galaxy, but it's been fun. I think since you said that the show returned because of the outpouring, I think people realize there is a...
Oh, yeah. Democratization factor in this show. And there is. And we hear you. Because we're making it up as we go. We're doing a lot of these episodes. Yes. So a full cat episode for me, Jake, starts with, and it might not be in this order, but the calls, the first one is maybe...
It's got to be up there with my favorite you calls. It's a cat one. Yeah. Do you not remember the one where you really came out? You became a dad. No, nothing. The cat one for me is always you and Jose.
No, this was a caller who called the show because she had found herself in the midst of a problem and she needed someone to talk to her and set her straight. And while I was probably pitching certain ways to wean her cat off of the cat's addiction...
You decided that yelling was the best approach, and I think it ended up working the best. It's the girl who fed her cat her earwax. Oh, my God. And her cat was craving the earwax. This is disgusting. Disgusting, and we don't need to bring you back. This is disgusting. You were disgusted, as we all were. And what were you...
I don't remember what I was pitching as much. I just remember the second you started. I wouldn't even say you pitched. You just shut down. That's not a pitch. And it worked. I think it was what she needed to hear at the time. Hey, Nat Attack, is there any chance we could reach out to her and see if she could just send a voice note of how she's doing? Yeah, I'll email her. Great. That's great.
The second call is one where basically there was a cat. I believe the name was Sushi. This is a great idea, Gareth. Who kept watching. Watching, it's the sex. The sex. The sex.
And if, and I won't get too deep into it, but, uh, but it's sushi. This is a great idea. Sushi was watching them have sex. And, um, I mean, sushi like to watch. Yes. Sushi like to be the cuck. Um, and then the third one, uh, is about a cat named Cat Reitman. Uh,
The cat. We love having on the show. And this is Kat's first call on the show. Was this the cat, the dog and the rat? That's exactly what it is. It's those three. And I think it was when I think her appearance was one where we started going like we'd had guests and we obviously were into that. But she came in and she was so fucking funny. Totally right. That we were like, holy shit, this is just really fun. A lot of fun.
What a great idea to do cat-themed, GR. A cat-themed episode. You just changed the game a little bit. Well, I think people will like it, and I really think everybody's winning on this one. So this is the Wednesday re-release. These are the cat-centric episodes. Enjoy the show.
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Why don't I introduce you to start? Okay. Okay. Hello. Hey, caller. Thanks for joining. Jake has been pretty bad at the intros today, so we're going to let him handle this one. I give to you now Jake Johnson. Jake? Hi. Hi. Hi there. Hi. What's your name? I'm here. Hi. I'm here too. What's your name? My name is Aubrey. Aubrey. Aubrey with a B? I mean. Or D like a Plaza.
I'm in a solid not funny zone. But it's become funny. Okay, for you. It's great for me. Starting the call with, hi. She's like, is Kevin? I don't know who this is. She's like, does somebody else talk? Yeah. So Aubrey with a B. What city and state are you in? I am from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Whoa.
Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Milwaukee, the good land.
Great state by a great lake. You know, my brother had his bachelor party in Milwaukee. Well, you have Wisconsin ties. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I love Milwaukee. Could be a show title spinoff. Great city. Wisconsin ties. Yeah. Okay. Where in Milwaukee do you live in, Aubrey? So I was in River West for a while. Sure. And I'm on the outskirts. Oh, beautiful. So I'm on the River East.
That's great. Good for you. You drinking a lot of beer out there? How old are you? Hell yeah, I'm 25. 25. What's your favorite bar? Let's give him a shout out. Art Bar is my favorite bar in Riverlands. It's amazing. Art Bar? Hey, everybody at Art Bar, if Aubrey comes in, can we please give this woman a free drink? Yeah, maybe a shot. Do you take shots, Aubrey?
I am definitely more of a sour beer girl. Okay. All right. Well, give her a sour beer. All right, Aubrey. Hell yeah. What's the call about today? Is it okay? I feel like drinking. Go ahead, Aubrey. I would love a drink. I would drink. It is, what is it, 11? Yeah. I would drink. Same. Okay, go ahead, Aubrey. What can we help you with?
Yeah, so I have an orange girl cat. She's really, really sweet, but really freaking amazing. Do you need me, or is this just a Gareth call? Go to the car, Jake. I'll handle everything. So I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I got a big fat cat, and I'm a little bit lonesome, and I wear a vest. Gareth? So I am Gareth's algorithm. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm Garris Algorithm the person. You are Garris Instagram. Honestly. If you were four random people with not a lot of teeth from another country singing, you would be mine. Okay, keep going. This is great. Orange Cat. Orange Cat. What's the cat's name, Aubrey? Yes. Her name's Lovie, like say Lovie. Okay.
It's cute. Yes. So a while back, she started digging into my bathroom trash bin and she pulled out my Q-tip and she licked it clean off like a freaking popsicle. So this is what I'm saying about animals is they're disgusting. They're not our children. You've got friends who've done that. Keep going.
So I'm like naturally a curious person and I was like, why the heck do you like earwax? And I fed it to her directly from the source. If this cat talks, I'm moving in. Hold on. Hold the fuck on. Yeah, you confronted her. Hold on. Yeah. Don't blow past this.
You got a big old fat cat named Livy. It ate your earwax and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat? Yeah, I was really curious to see if she'd eat it. I don't know how I missed that. I think I was so enamored that I didn't hear that part. This is animal abuse, is it not? Well, it's...
Well, it's hard to say, Jake. I mean, it's certainly, I don't know. This is real Wisconsin behavior. In Wisconsin, they call earwax the head popsicle. 100,000 people in Green Bay are like, why is your guy being so mean to the Kelly? Why is he throwing a flag on the play? Let him play. You got food in your ear. Give it to your animals. What are you going to do? It's just going to sit in your head. You know, they say money doesn't grow on trees. Well, food does grow in our ears.
All right, so keep going. Okay, so you give the cat some of your ear candy. I'm going to barf. So supposedly it's a protein thing. Shut up. It's actually not bad. Shut up. No, I swear. Aubrey, shut it. Don't you spin this, you mad woman.
So you're claiming you have a protein source in your ear for animals. Yeah. So then why doesn't everybody do this since the beginning of time? I'm going to start. After a gym session, just start eating from your ears? Or just pick your ears and just feed it to random dogs and go to somebody's house and do this food source. Oh, my God. You're a beautiful cat. Do you mind if I just pick my ear and feed it? It's a protein source.
I'll tell you what they're going to do. They're going to knock you out. Sit. Good boy. Here you go. All right. So keep going. You pick your ear. You get a protein. Yeah. So she's obsessed with it. Like she'll come to me and she demands it. And I'm at this point. I'm at this point where she gets mad if I don't do it. And it's obviously weird and I need to stop.
And so I'm like, what is something else I can give to her? It's also like a bonding moment. Jesus Christ. Are you asking what other thing on your body you can feed the cat with? Cat food. I just need something else to give her that's just as special. Cat treats. So here's what I really feel like this call is. Aubrey, you and I were vibing. We were connected. We were on the same page. And then you're feeding your cat from your head. You know what I really feel like this call is, Aubrey? What I honestly in my gut feel?
I feel like I'm out with Gareth and he's introducing me to his new girlfriend. And I'm sitting there and we're all talking and you're telling it and Gareth is drinking a red wine laughing going like, yep, I get it. And I'm going, these two fucking banana head...
deserve each other. Or it's like this where I'm like, look, I met a girl. We have so much in common. She's great. She's great. She's a cat. She's way younger than me is what you should say. She's way younger than me, which is great. Which is great. Like I'm like, like I'm dropping references that I think she'll know and she's like, what's Wayne's world? Like, it's great. Do you know what I'm saying? It's just,
One thing. Little thing. Little thing. Just, again, not a flag. What is it, buddy? Well, she just... Wait, let's do this. Okay, yeah. Aubrey, we're going to play something out really fast. All right. Let's do this for real. Okay. All right. So Gareth and I are at... Hatching up. Great record today, man. Yeah, that was really good, man. Really fun stuff. You know, my girlfriend... Well, not my girlfriend, but this girl I've been going out with...
Oh, yeah, yeah, the Aubrey girl, the young one. Yeah, yeah, she really likes the show. Fine, we should have her on. Yeah, I mean, I think she just wants to come down and watch the taping one day. I don't know if she's ready for the camera. You know, she doesn't have a vest. But, you know, the thing is that, like, everything's good, dude. She's from the same place as me. Like, we go out drinking. She's from London? No, from Milwaukee. But aren't you from England? Are you just kind of fake Wisconsin? It's a confusing origin story. I'm not even sure, to be honest with you.
But it's a bit of a mix match. Hold on. I'm sorry. One second. Yeah. Can I get another beer for me and whatever? I'll have a Malbec, please. So, yeah. I'm so sorry. One second. Thank you so much. Yeah. Of course, I'll take a selfie. Really? So you like that too? Yeah. Wonderful. Oh, you like New Girl? You've watched... Have you seen the last season? Oh, okay. They have it? No. Or they haven't. Didn't really register them. I'm so sorry. Hold on.
Nice to meet you, Steven Spielberg. I'd love to talk projects with you. Oh, Spielberg, eh? Hello. Keep going. I'm so sorry. Hold on one second. Jesus Christ, you can't go out with Jake. Hello, business manager? Yeah. It's done what on the stock market? Well, I guess we need to give all- What's the stock market? We need to give all that to charity because that's my vibe. Okay. Clearly there was no one on the other end of that phone call.
So, she's great. And she has this cat and I love this cat. Her cat's name is Lavie. C'est la vie. C'est la vie, exactly. So, French, which I adore. It's the language of love. I adore. Okey dokey. And so, it's great. One thing is that the cat and her, I guess, they've developed this sort of thing where she feeds the cat.
her earwax, which I don't love, but I'm also willing to kind of like, like, I really like her. Like everything about her is great. Again. I mean, she likes sour beer. You know, she's down. It's pretty, she's great. We're hanging out in river West when I go back. So, but, so there's all that, but she's, yeah, the cat, I guess, pines for the protein. I guess there's a lot of protein in your earwax. Nobody would know that.
Obviously, but she's feeding the cat her earwax. And I mean, I'm not saying like she like there's, you know, she's got like a special nail, like she calls it the digger. And so she takes the digger. I don't think you need to invent stuff. This story is as weird as it gets. Aubrey, before the digger part, how did you judge you?
Oh yeah, it's weird. I completely own that. I'm a weirdo. So the question is now how do we get out of this? Jake, allow me to just push. Aubrey, do you have a specific finger and nail that you do it with? I do not. Oh, damn it. It's really spreading the wealth over there. So Aubrey, the question is now, we've set it up, we're all three on the same page, we got to get out of this behavior, correct? Correct.
Yes, yes. And it can't just be a cat tree because she doesn't care about that as much. It's like she's obsessed. So I got my first pitch.
Go. You've created a crack addict. Yeah. You don't say to someone you love who is smoking crack all the time, well, let me give you less crack, or let me give you heroin, or let me give you this other pharmaceutical drug. You know what you do? You handcuff them to a radiator.
Let them sweat it out for four days as they barf in a bucket. And then when it's all over... You're talking cold turkey. It's a fucking cat that's locked in between the walls of your apartment. Cold kitty.
you just say no okay come on and when the cat gets close you go no and when it goes to your ear you go we both made a lot of mistakes but it ends now i don't care how we got here we got here because of my bad behavior but we're gonna get out of here because of my good behavior aubrey how long has this been going on good question
Um, it's been about two years already. Jesus Christ, Aubrey. Aubrey! Now listen to me. I'm way too old to be a partner. I'm talking to you like you're my child. You listen up, young lady. Are you out of your fucking mind? Your feet are cut. Earwax for two years. You stop this right now.
We're not doing three pitches. This is a one pitch call. Aubrey, stop feeding your fucking cat your earwax. You hear me, young lady? I think we got a clip. I mean, we definitely got a clip. Aubrey, do you? I'm talking to you now like a dad. Do you hear me? This is out of line. She can hear you very clearly. She's got nothing blocking it. Aubrey, this ends today.
Oh, my God. I'll tell you what, honey. I'll drive up there with your mom. I'll take the cat from you.
Mom and I will be there in the Oldsmobile. I'll leave Chicago after work today. I'll be there by 7.15. Okay? I will take that fucking cat and I will bring it back to Des Plaines where your mother and I now live. Do you understand what I'm saying, young lady? It ends today. It ends today. If you stick your finger in your fucking ear and you give it to this cat one more time, Livvy belongs to me and your mom.
Am I crystal clear, young lady? It ends today. Say it back. And the other thing I want you to do, are you near that cat? I'm not. Okay. The second you get home, and honey, I had to do this to you when you were a kid about some of my yelling. You look eye to eye to that cat and you apologize for your behavior.
You say to that cat out loud, and I got certain friends, Eric being one of them, that believes animals can understand English. And he talks to them like they understand English. And then he goes, they're smarter than you think, brother. And I go, are squirrels smarter than you think? And he goes, you ruin everything. So I want you to look in that cat's eyes and I want you to say, I am sorry for my behavior. We are in a world of trouble together and I'm going to be the adult and get us out of this.
Aubrey, I think I needed to hear that. Aubrey, you are in a cycle of madness and we need to pull you out before it gets worse and worse. Who knows what else this cat's going to be begging to eat out of your body? How old is the cat? It's going to be dead soon. She's four. So half of her life she has been thinking that eating ear amber is normal. Yeah.
Yeah, I honestly, I had little pitches like you can pretend the treat comes from your ear, but I think Jake is right. Let's hear your pitches. Well, I think if you, I think you maybe you're doing the Indiana Jones, you know, you've got the idol in the bag of sand. Again, a reference. You're going to have no clue what I'm talking about on Aubrey, but some of our. She's like the movie with Sean. Yeah, exactly. She's like the crystal skull. Yeah. No. Okay. We're talking. I think we're talking Raiders of the Lost Ark. So.
Maybe what you can do is get like a you know some kind of little like treat that is like a little package that put in your ear Well, no, you're you just put your finger in the treat and then you fake dig in your ears So we don't have to put treats in your ear because then you could be going to a rapid care and then you're sort of Showing the cat that treat and you could kind of do that for a little while, but I think when Jake's right That's just methadone. But do you what we need to do? Do you have any other little guys because that's there's a fun thing to that. I
That's really it. You sold me with your rage. So I don't mind. I do think there's something really funny about putting them fake in years, but I still think that you got to just go cold turkey. Aubrey, what the hell are you going to do here? We're back to you here later.
Yeah, I think I just need someone to tell me to knock it off and just quit cold turkey. I mean, it's gotten to the point where like other people know about it and it's weird, obviously. And they're like, yeah, it is. Yeah. So at the end of the day, you know, look, we're not really judging. If you knew everything that the old Garf man and Jakey J has done with stuff out of our ears to even begin, you would realize you're not the weird one. We are. Yeah. But it is time to stop this shit. And by a week and a half,
From right now, this thing's gotta be a distant memory from your past when you went down a weird alley. But it's time to go to the street where the street lights are on and people could see what you're doing. Yeah, unfortunately, Aubrey, I think we all know the truth and Jake hit you with a heavy dose of it. And it's time to stop, not just for you, but for the cat and just for anyone who you get close to. This is a flag. This is not great. So will you follow up when you have executed this
If there is a backlash from Livy, which there will be, because you've created an addict,
But when she's out of her phase of addiction, will you give us a happy ending update? And maybe we could get a video of the process of kind of getting her off the junk. Yeah, that's interesting. Maybe a video of Libby pining for the junk. If she's going after your ear, will you film on your phone you telling her no? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's a great idea. Absolutely, I will. Hey, Aubrey, we wish you the best. Good luck. But it ends today. My God.
All right. Thank you, guys. Thanks for the call. Thank you, Aubrey. Oh, my God. Bye-bye. Take care. Bye. That was fucking incredible. Hello, this is Aubrey with an update on my cat who loves earwax. I did stop giving it to her from the source, and she slowly...
Eventually she stopped biting me and pestering me. But I have noticed. So we recently got a new cat and his name's Baloo and she eats his earwax instead. So I don't know if that's a win, but at least she's not eating mine. Hi, who's this? This is Maddie. Hi Maddie. How you doing?
I'm good how are you good this is Jake and you're on with Gareth the Garfman Reynolds hello Gareth hello Jake hey Maddie how are you so Maddie what can we do for you today what uh what's the issue at hand what can we try to crack open as the three of us all right your partners in crime here we're on your team what do we got so the other night my cat was in my room while I was
doing the deed. And ever since then, he has been just nonstop humping me and I'm not, I'm not sure what to do about it. When you say the deed, is this, is there a co-signer on the deed or is this your mortgage? There's a co-signer. There's a co-signer. Okay. Cause if the cat watched her masturbated, then started humping her, it's a very different question.
Then the cat's saying like, I'm right here. I am right here. I love you so much. Yes, yes, yes. Because then it's not a question of jealousy. It's a comment on love and loyalty. Arguably a bigger issue. Yeah, motherfucker, I'm in love with you. Let's go. I see that.
Put down that fucking flashlight. I am in love with you. What were you looking for? So you had somebody over. You guys did what came naturally to you two. And your cat, what's your cat's name? His name is Sushi. Sushi. And how long have you had Sushi? Three years. What's this guy's name? If you don't mind me asking.
His name's Riley. Riley. Riley and Sushi and Maddie. He will be listening to this. Let's be honest. Is the thing that Sushi saw you and Riley do, were you guys pulling out some moves that were new to Sushi? Great question. Was there something about this session? Was this a special event? Was it special? Exactly right. Yeah. You know, it was...
It was a good one. I mean, it just felt like he was more ingrained in this one, you know? You talking about Riley or Sushi? Yeah, we got to use names. Sushi, Sushi, sorry. Okay, Sushi. So it seemed like you and Riley were really connecting. It was going well. Both of you were performing at a high level. And Sushi was into it. He was invested and...
At that point, I was like, I can't really just stop this to kick him out. He screams at the door when I lock him out. It's a mood killer.
Okay, so the cat is a little possessive of you to begin with. Yeah, to begin with, yeah. Really quick pause, and then we'll get back into it. Gareth, I know you have a tattoo of your cat on your arm. Thank you. You're impressed by it. Has Jose ever watched you have sex with another? Five.
Follow up question. Does Jose scream to leave? I'll answer Kevin's first. No. Thank you. Everyone would want to be part of the show. And he has. And he's yeah, I mean, but not in the way ever where
I feel like he's in any way observing something he enjoys. He always looks like what's going on. He looks freaked out. Yeah. As anyone would be if they saw me in the act. Can I ask a question, Maddie, about this? So you and Riley have sex. Sushi watches. Riley leaves. How soon after that does Sushi make his move on you?
Yeah. That was probably like an hour or two after. So a couple hours after Riley leaves, sushi goes, my turn jumps on, you start pumping. And what do you do, Maddie? You just shove that little puss off. Yeah. Cause, cause he starts doing it and I'm like, Oh, he's just making muffins like usual. Um,
Sorry, real quick, let me jump in here. For those of you listeners like Jake or other people who maybe are not familiar with making the muffins, a.k.a. making the biscuits, depending on the regionality of your cat, that is when the cat will get on a blanket or something soft that they enjoy. And they'll be sort of Jake, please. We're trying to keep it all. This one's for the kids.
And the cat will start to sort of use their claws and they'll kind of, like a baker would knead the dough. They'll kind of start kneading the blanket to prepare it for themselves to sleep in it or rest inside. And you thought Sushi was making the biscuits when he started humping Batty? Yeah.
Yeah, because it was like, it was a new motion. Yeah. Yeah. Biscuits. Quick pause. Has Riley come back for a second time? He has come back. And he's aware of the new situation. Did Sushi watch round number two? He may have been in there. Oh.
Oh, wow. Okay. Great question. Let's label a great question when we hear one. Great question. Thanks. So Sushi has now, can I just ask again, how many times has Riley been, how many times has Sushi watched you and Riley have sex? Over, under, is it five? Probably under five. Okay, under five. So more than two? Yeah. More than three? This is...
I would say three. I would say three. Let's go with three. So can I ask you a question, Maddie? This one's now, I hate to be, Sushi seems to be a little predator and I don't want to be on the predator's team here, but can I ask you a question? Yeah. If I had sex with my partner and a dog watched and then later the dog tried to fuck me,
i don't think i'd ever have sex in front of the dog again yeah no that's because i would say i think i'm teaching this dog to get on top of me maddie you've done it three times without an adjustment what's happening here i know okay that was probably the second to the last time and i think
I think it's just like, I just forget he's there. And you're right, you're right. I need to make this adjustment. So I think I got a zone, unless Garf, you want to jump in? No, I think I seem to be chomping. No, I'm ready. I have some thoughts. So I feel like we've got it. Well, okay, this is what I would say. Since the situation has happened thrice,
Has your relationship with sushi remained the same? Is there awkwardness? Are you loving sushi? When I say loving affectionate towards sushi more or less? I think, you know, keeping my distance a little. That's heartbreaking. Because I don't want that relationship with my cat. But that's not what sushi wants. This is. No, no, no. I just, you know, we're working through it. I think in order to work through it, what I would suggest is you there's
Look, doesn't help that. I'll be frank. Your cat now knows how to fuck. But what I think will be helpful will be if your cat feels like they're it's not like I if I put myself in Sushi's headspace, Sushi's like, I'm losing you. And Sushi's wires are all crossed and crazy. And so Sushi is doing what Sushi can do to keep you.
And then the fact that you're maybe allowing some distance is driving. By the way, you doing this emotional cat POV talk with a painting of a cat behind you is an out of body experience for me. Thank you. Thank you, Maddie. You can't see this. He has a tattoo of his cat on his arm and behind him is a painting of his cat. And he's talking about how
the cat's point of view is afraid of losing him. Yeah. This is just the most emotional I've ever seen the Garf man in my life. Oh my God. You're in it. I'm cooking. So I think the worst thing to do is for you to allow...
sushi to think like, oh yeah, there's a difference now. So what I would suggest is that you overdo it with kindness with sushi. Lots of affection, lots of love, make sushi feel like there's no worry that sushi's gonna lose you. And on top of that, I would suggest maybe a little, I mean, we've all seen dogs do it. They'll curl the blankets up and they'll go to town. I would suggest maybe a little sushi pal.
A little, you know, a little stuffed animal. Let me finish. A little stuffed animal we'll call wasabi or something like that. Just something there that if sushi needs a...
What kind of level of perversion are you pitching here, you creep? A little fuck toy for him? This is a bifurcated pitch. They make masturbating toys for animals and people bite them? They have animatronic cats. Oh, my Lord. Well, I mean, I'm not saying we get a real doll for the cat, but I'm just saying maybe a little outlet...
for the sushi push. That's all really good emotional advice. And I think that could work. Here's another solution. A spray bottle of water. And when the cat gets on you, spray it. No, no, no. Go get out of here. Sushi.
Get out of here. Stop trying to fuck me, you weirdos. I'm not opposed to a, like, sushi no. Sushi no. Yeah. I think it's sushi no. Gareth, what you're pitching is this. Sushi no. Go make love to that weird toy I got you named Wasabi while I watch. Because we live in a world of weirdness and madness in this apartment. I'm pitching. I'm pitching. You're creating a cat masturbating temple, you weirdo. Pass.
I'm pitching Sushi, no. But Sushi, it's okay. I love you. Okay, listen, but hold on. Now let's go. You went in the POV of Sushi. I'm going in the POV of Riley. I go there for the fourth time. She's like,
hey that was so fun you want to get in bed and I go yeah we get in bed it starts getting on the cat starts watching she goes hold on sushi no sushi go to wasabi yeah I'm talking about a sushi and I as Riley go Riley no Riley out of here
I'm saying we do the sushi no for the sushi humping. I'm not saying we need to stop the act. How about this? If you're Riley and you go to a woman's house and you go like this, oh, is that your cat? Oh my God, it's fucking that pillow. And she goes like this, oh, that's Wasabi. It's his fuck toy that I got him. Walking out...
No. Yes, I would. If I went to someone's house and there was a dog openly humping a pillow and I go, hey, man, your dog's humping a pillow. And he goes, I know I got that pillow for her. It's a fuck pillow. I'll go, what? No, no.
So in the end, Gareth recommends you give this cat as much love as you can. You get it. You give it a little fuck toy. Right. And when it tries to hump you, you go, no, but then you instantly fill it with love.
I recommend Riley comes by and gives it some attention. You never allow the cat to be in the room while you have sex and you definitely don't get it a fuck toy. Now at the end of the show, what we like to do is what do you think you're going to do? I think, I think I'm going to take this all in. I'm going to, I'm going to just firmly shut him out the door. I'm going to give him some love. I'm looking at him right now.
Okay. Yeah. What's the vibe? What's his vibe? Yeah. What's the vibe? He's in the corner. He's sleeping. Okay. He's faking. He's faking a little pervert. He's tired. He's all wiped out. He knows you're on a Zoom. He's like this. I'm flying. I'm all glitter. Once you hang up, I make the move. Sushi strikes. So you're going to show Sushi some love.
You're going to block sushi out of the room. Yes. And is that it, Maddie? Is that where you're at?
That's where I'm at. Thank you guys. Thank you so much for the call. Keep us. I'm very invested in this one. And I don't know if it's just because I have a cat too and a painting of my cat behind me. But please let us know in like a month or so how this develops, please. I'm curious to see what happens with the break. Okay, I will. Thank you, Maddie. Yeah, thank you guys.
Hello. Hi there. Thank you. Hello. You are on We're Here to Help.
You've got Jake Johnson, co-host. You've got Gareth Reynolds. And we have an extremely special guest joining us for your call. So you should be very excited. Okay, truly, one of my, this sounds bad, but maybe one of my oldest friends in the business ever. A friend of mine who I met on the forgettable show, The Real Wedding Crashers.
But she is unforgettable outside of that. You have the great Kat Reitman joining as well. So you've got three heavy hitters with advice. Hi there. So can we get your name unless you'd like to change it? We're offering a pseudonym and we just get your age and then we'll get into how we can help you.
- Sure. So I'm gonna use the name Sally because like Sally O'Dally, I'm 50 years old and I live in the great state of Western Massachusetts. - Okay, love it.
And Sally. Wait, the great state of Western Massachusetts? Yeah, Jake. Yeah, we are. It's a whole other world out here. Well, the state is Massachusetts. Pick up a paper, Jack. All right. All right. I'm excited to go to the big battle between Western and Eastern Massachusetts. What a fight. Don't go there. Not on this podcast. Don't do that. You know what? You're right, Kat. We're not political.
We like the West and the East side of Mexico. It's a civil war. Fighting for the lobster and the fucking tea. Never surrender. Okay, Sally. So why don't you tell us why you're calling it?
All right. Well, I've been with my now husband for about 22 years. We got married 11 years ago. Thank you. We raised a pair of twins together. They're now out of school and going to work. Boys or girls? Two boys. Boys. As Bert Kreischer would ask, conjoined? Are they fraternal or identical?
Or connected. He literally asked, we did his podcast and he goes, cause I have twins too, Sally. He goes, you guys got, you have twins? And I go, yeah. And he goes, are they conjoined? Oh my God, that's a great follow-up. I'm going to use that. So you got twin boys and they're fraternal or identical, Sally?
they are fraternal okay i also have two adult daughters but they're from a first marriage okay okay no i don't count those they don't exist are they conjoined can we have them no okay can we have them is that what you ask karen yeah just i know a guy he's the best he's the best uh okay sally so what's the problem sally
So it's not really a problem per se. So when we first got married or got together as a couple, my husband was a virgin. He's a very shy person, very introverted. He's fresh out of the Marine Corps. And so here we are, fast forward all these years later, we've had an incredible marriage. We're very happy. We love each other. Yada, yada, all that great stuff. And
Back then, when we first got together, I would routinely want to sort of say, you know, maybe we need to slow down. You should go experience the world. I had all the experiences and you haven't. At the time, it wasn't something that was important to him. I love where this is going, Sally. So do I.
Keep going, Sally. Keep going, keep going, keep going. But back then, I had even said to him, you know what? Listen, if we're going to do this thing and we're going to be in a committed relationship, I need you to know that at any point, if you feel the need to go out in the world, try something different, you get a hall pass, right? Wow. Who did he bang, Sally? Okay.
Nobody. Honestly, it was like we'd forgotten, like I had forgotten about it, but clearly he hadn't. So about a month ago, it came up. It came up. You brought it up or you brought it up?
Well, see, that's the tricky part. It sort of accidentally came into my line of vision. So he had asked me to check something on his computer. This always starts this way, right? Here we go. By the way, that is your third intense here we go, Kat.
I'm waiting. I'm desperately waiting. I know, but you are really ready to get mad. Your catchphrase on this is, here we go, with Captain Reitman. It's a pod within a pod. Yeah, here we go. I'm dying for a spinoff. I'm dying for a spinoff. Yeah, yeah, here we go is the spinoff.
So Sally, how do you accidentally find it? Walk us through that. And what do you find? So all I did was I went to type in the search bar, right? He asked me to go on my computer, just hop in my email and just forward this thing. And I just like opened up the browser. You go to type into, you know, the...
bar, put an address in and you know, it always comes up with like history or like recent and it was very innocuous. It was something like how to remind your wife about a hall pass. And that was it. So I,
It's the only thing he's looked up for months. Yeah. I'm sure. Oh, yeah, right? So how do you approach him about it? Is this the kind of thing that you just casually were like, you know, do you admit that you found it? Yeah, good question. I did. I did. We're very open and, you know, and I just said, hey, you know, when I was sending you that thing, I happened to notice and he got really embarrassed. Of course he did. It's embarrassing. Really flustered.
Right. And I'm just like, listen, like, if this is something that we want to do, he goes, okay, hold on a second. He's like, you offered that to me over 20 years ago. He's like, clearly that doesn't count.
And now it's like a new thing. He's like, how does it make you feel? He's backtracking. He's backtracking. Hold on, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, as a guy, I know his move. He doesn't Google it to say like, it's the last thing I was thinking about. We shouldn't even be thinking about it.
Where is this coming from? Check my second Google search and it's how to tell a wife that the hall pass she mentioned I want nothing to do with. How does that mean a hall pass Googled? That's not what he Googled. By the way, what can we call your husband, Sally? Let's give a name. Oh, let's call him Jack.
Jack and Sal. My question, and I believe more importantly, here we go, is do you think Jack was curious about like, hey, I'm just trying to awaken...
you know, my Frank and beans or is it, I saw someone, I connected with someone and I purely am interested in her being the hall pass. And does that worry you? Does that excite you? Where are you with it? Ooh, if it's that, that's dangerous. By the way, Kat, that was my first spit take of this podcast we've ever done. Yeah. Here we go. On the computer. Yeah, that was a real here we go. Kat, how are you already holding up merch for here we go with Kat Wright? Okay.
Imagine. I just tell him my plan. And I'm like, here we go. And Kat Reitman. Here we go, Kat Reitman. We're here to help. My problem with the original podcast is they just didn't ramp it again. You know, they can ramp it all the time. Sorry. Sorry, Sally. Jack, why did Jack bring it up?
do you think or did he admit it so oh yeah well actually so he owned it right so he was like yeah i did do that search he's like i was just looking you know it was like we had that conversation a long time ago he's like we're gonna do this he's like he's like i think we should have a fair like talk to a therapist first and just make sure that we're both cool with what's gonna might happen you know and i i kind of engaged his interest in it like um
I can tell you his interest 100%. Sure. I said like on a scale of one to 10. 10. A thousand. A thousand. I mean nine. I mean six. If your feelings aren't hurt, 100,000. He's at a nine? Okay. Sally. He's moments of nine, but usually like a two. Like that was his sort of.
Yeah, the second after he masturbates, the second it's done, he's at a two. About an hour later, he's back to a nine. Catherine, you had a here we go. What was your here we go? You know I'm rampant. I can't stand not rampant. Sally, I'm going to ask a very intrusive question, and feel free to tell me to F right off, but
How's the sex? I mean, I imagine you've been married a significant... Hot. It's good. Okay. You feel satisfied? We are very hot for each other still. Yeah. My husband's gorgeous. And the marriage is good. Everything else is good too? Yeah.
Yeah. I'm going to jump in here, Sally. So you guys have brought up a hall pass, which takes us to right now. What is the question for this podcast? What can we help you with, Sally? I guess the question is,
How number one, how can I convince my husband that I really am on board? Because he seems to have lots of reservations, which is normal. I think so. I think Jackson doesn't want to ruin his love story. Doesn't want trouble.
Yeah, part of it to him was like, you know, he's like, also on the other side of the same coin. How many people do you know can say that? He's like, we just love each other, you know, and it's like, because our marriage is good. And because we have a good open communication.
He feels that it's, you know, if we were ever going to do it, now's a good time. Right. The kids are grown. We're both happy. Okay. You know, and he extended the whole path to me too, which is hilarious. He's like, okay. So the number one thing is how to convince, how to convince him that you're okay with it. And then two, is there a second part to this of, if you do go forward with it, who does he do it with?
Can I just pause? I'm just going to pause because I have a feeling both of these very, you know, progressive, open-minded, awesome guys are going to say absolutely convince him to do it and then find the person you want to bang. And my God, what a world. But
My concern. Here we go. Here we go with Sia. By the way, she's smoking a Capri cigarette right now. Yeah. Listen. Listen up. I just have just ashtrays everywhere. And books behind you that are so dusty. Here we go. So dusty. Here we go as number 10 on Spotify right now. I'm coming for you. We're just recording this right now. It's live. It's live.
I've got six podcasts going at all times. It's all fucking live. I just can't wait to get off this so I can get onto another podcast and blast jazz. Listen to me. Listen to me, Sally. Sally, here's my concern. And I'm not going to pretend like...
A lot of very healthy marriages have had a moment where they discuss like, you know, I'm in this for the long haul. At one point, would you consider this? Here we go. Opening the marriage up, trying this, trying this. Here we go, here we go. But what I always come back to, and you can call me closed off, is,
Once you go and dip your foot in that water, what's to stop you from going, hey, whenever I got that itch, I just go do it again. And does that in any way, like, and I know you're being cool and you're being awesome and he's a virgin coming into this, so you're trying to, like, expose him and that's so open-minded and cool of you. But is there any part of you that wants to honor yourself for a sec? Ooh, yeah.
here we go and just think about does this spoil the pond yeah so you're saying dipping your toe into this might spoil your beautiful pond that you've got with him is that where you're going with this cap i guess so i mean you keep saying how beautiful your connection with him is that the sex is still i know yeah it's great relationship are you sure you want to mix that up is maybe that's what you need maybe that's not i don't know
Yeah, I mean, that was my, that's my big concern, right? I mean, that's what I shared with him almost immediately. You know, okay, we're on the one hand, we're all great and everything's fine. You know, so why would you want to risk putting a wrinkle in that? I'm going to go in a slightly different direction here than where Kat was going. And I'm going to go with this. Here we go.
My version is not a pre-cigarette. It's a cigar and like a whiskey. Because guess what? Here we go. And I'm on the radio every fucking morning. Let me tell you what guys want here, Kat. By the way, we have a spinoff, Kat, without Gareth. And it's the gal taking the guy take. Yeah, I was going to say. I just got iced out. Here we go with Jake and Kat. No, my nickname is the dog.
Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs. And I'm the rat. No, no. Come on, let me work. Did you say you're the rat? Yeah, let me work. Little bit of cheese. Listen, you're embarrassing yourself a lot. A little bit of cheese. The rat doesn't get in bed. Come on, come on. I really, I need this more than anyone. Stop it. So Sally, here's where I'm going to go with you.
This man, he's fallen in love. He seems to be a great husband. You seem to be a great wife and you guys seem to have a great thing. What I would be nervous about is because when he has sex with somebody else, he's going to go like, wow, that magical thing I do with Sally, I can do with others. Right. Right. And then, you know, you might get addicted to as rat as Gareth says, it's the cheese. Right.
But there is a professional path because you cannot get addicted to paying somebody who you know doesn't like you, you know is not interested, but it is a professional service.
So I would go, if you're going to go down this road, do not meet a random woman where he's like, dude, we got coffee. She likes the same movies as me. Pass on that path. Right. You've heard from the cat. You've heard from the dog. It's time to hear from the rat. Let me cheese it up and hope that my neck doesn't get snapped by a contraption that outsmarted me here, Sally. Sure.
Shut up, Garrett. Hey, dog, get out of here. Rat time. You're in the hole with the rat. We live in the walls and Sally, pull up a mini stool because I got a matchbox. I sleep it. Kevin cut all the rats.
By the way, the rat right now on Spotify, 2,804. So things are not good on the ratcast. Not working. Not good on the ratcast. This is what I would say. I think everything that has been said is true.
What a generic statement, Rhett. After all that setup, it's all true. What a rat. I just want cheese and I want to live in your filth. Poor Sally. I just want to promote my sponsor.
Obviously, if he is looking for this, he wants this, right? So I think to some extent- It's gonna happen. Yeah, I think it's there. It's gonna fester. I think you kind of have to honor it to some extent. You seem to have a great attitude, not only about this, but just about all of this. You're very understanding. Are you?
Are you kidding on her? He's trying to be liked so that his podcast numbers go higher. What I think you got to do is find a rat for yourself. No. I think the way to do it is to...
Yeah, be included in the process. And I think to what Jake's saying, I definitely think you want to make this as detached as possible. And so that's what I would do. I would just go some professional. I don't think and the good news is I don't think anything like that to him is necessarily going to open up a Pandora's box, especially if you guys are being so healthy about it now.
I think that will just kind of give him a taste of what else is out there. You say you have a very healthy sex life and a very sexy health life. So I think that it's going to be like just a good way for him to scratch that itch and not really worry about it from then on. So I think like...
I might honestly like my gut would be like, you know, I would I would feel more worried than you do. So I just think go the route where he can kind of just get it out of his head and you can talk about it healthily and he's not going to be able to form some attachment. So so I think you do honor it. And I would just go the route that Jake is sort of pitching the dog cat respond. I see you wanting to respond to the rat cats and rats. I think it's a look. First of all, you never trust a rat. Anyone knows that you don't trust rats.
You kill them. You kill them to get them out of your house. I think this is a can of worms, Sally. That's what I think. If you were my close friend and I feel like you are, don't get weird about it. Here we go. Here we go in the worst way. That's a different process. I think it's a can of worms. And I think that
Like, everyone I know who's either opened their marriage to a threesome or, like, just this one time or the escort. For me, I feel like there are so many ways of sexing up your sex life with your partner that doesn't...
open up this can of worms and I'm sure you've already explored it and it sounds like you already it sounds like this is going to happen like dog said so I don't want to I don't want to step on it I would just uh I would just keep communication lines open yeah and uh you know so Sally you've heard kind of three options here what do you think you're gonna do if we do go forward with this
it's definitely going to be with a professional, but Kat mentioned something about, you know, bringing something home to spice it up. So maybe I'll just come up with some creative interludes for us and like, you know, just divert the attention away to something else. Like, but I'm open to it. I mean, obviously we're invested in this story. So if you can keep us posted, please, you know, maybe we could do a follow-up. I,
I would say keep us posted if you go the third. But if the follow-up is like, we have even bonded more than enjoy it. Yeah, just enjoy it. But if you guys go a third. I'll update when there's an update. Yeah, if there's a real update, we're very interested. And Sally, thank you so much for the call. Yeah, Jake wants an update if it's a ratings winner.
Thanks, Sally. And thank you, Kat, for joining us and helping us. Remember, listen to Kat's new podcast. Here we go.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.
We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.
All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon. And Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new HeadGum podcast called...
here to make friends. - Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called "Dead to Me," which is a show about murder. - But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. - Which can really happen, and it has happened to us! - It's true! - Because life is imitated
art. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now we're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett. Wow, I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. And Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life. Yeah, take it out of the podcast studio and into real life.
Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Uh-huh. Careering. Yeah. And why we love Thelma and Louise, and it's the greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.