Heaven's Waiting Room
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Trigger warning for this week's podcast episode. There is talks of gun violence and other acts of violence. Hey guys, welcome back to Friends and Enemas. I have a very special guest with me today. Do you want to introduce yourself? Hey guys, I am Nydia. I'm a hospice nurse. I think you might be my first hospice nurse on. That's exciting. That is exciting. How did you hear about Friends and Enemas? I...

been following you since I was a nursing student myself so I'm fangirling still I can't believe I'm next to you it's okay so that's kind of how I found you and then I found that you had a podcast yeah and yeah that's really it yeah honestly this season I just started wanting to like

talk to other people, you know, other nurses or other healthcare workers. Not always, but some guests are not healthcare workers. But I just wanted to start telling other people's stories with their experiences. And you have a really great story. That's why I wanted you here. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. So first of all, introduce how long have you been a nurse? How did you pick hospice? Kind of get us into that. I've been a nurse for, let's see, 21, 22, 23 years, kind of now. And I've

Why I wanted to be a hospice nurse, it's a whole story. But I think I started, well, I started as a neuro nurse. And then I was there, like everyone says, like you need your first year as a new grad experience in the hospital. And that's kind of what I did. And I didn't really like the unit. I love the people. People were great. And finally, I

I kind of just turned into like hospice. It's a bit of a story there. But then hospice like, oh, my goodness. Once I found out about it, I just loved it so much. I actually saw a nurse that was really happy to be there. Really? And I asked her, like, why are you happy? And she's like, it's like, do you even work here? She's like, no, I'm a hospice nurse. I'm like, what is that?

Tell us more. Yeah, tell me more about it. She's like, oh, yeah. And so she gave me her number and then I texted her and she called me and she said, well, hospice nurse. And she explained everything to me. I was like, how do I apply and how can I be that? And that's kind of how I started hospice. And then I applied for a job and they interviewed me. And it's kind of how I got hospice. That's cool. Yeah. Can you kind of run us through what's a typical day for you as a hospice nurse? So usually have you a caseload. So I would say like hospice.

sometimes i run between like 17 and 20 patients a day uh no no no not a day but like that's my caseload no that would be crazy no no no that's a lot and it depends on acuity so you can either have four to five patients that you have to see a day the flexibility of being a hospice nurse is what i love so much about it so today like i got to see patients early before you

you know, coming here and then I have one more to go see afterwards. But you kind of play around it and it's just the beauty of hospice too and flexibility. And I would say like,

Some hospice patients are in homes and some hospice patients are at facilities. So if you're in a facility, you can easily see up to like six patients because they all live in the same place. Whereas if they're in a home, then you have to drive. And that's why a lot of nurses don't like it because you have to drive to go see your patients. So it depends. But four to five should be the usual. More than that, it feels kind of like a lot because you do spend a good amount of time with them. Okay. Okay.

Is there anything you could tell maybe a nursing student listening that wants to jump into hospice? Like you said, you have to start with maybe some bedside knowledge first, get some experience there and then kind of look into it themselves.

Do it. Just do it, yeah. Just do it, honestly. At first, I'll be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do hospice. I am known for being like a pretty sensitive person and I didn't think I could be. Yeah, I didn't think I could be. I was really shy and...

I wasn't sure if I was going to be okay seeing patients, family members, you know, pass. Yeah. And I had a really good experience with a hospice or hospice patient in the hospital that made me also want to do hospice. Oh, yeah. And...

for any nursing student, like if that's what your passion, honestly, just go for it. I don't know that they might require like six months of experience. I don't, I actually don't know. It's probably different for each. It's probably different for each company. And I feel like sometimes nursing is such a shortage that I don't, I feel like

Yeah, yeah. Regardless. They need somebody. Yeah. So I think, yeah, just go for it. Okay. I want to take back. You're not the first hospice nurse I had. You just rang. Like, I just light bulb moment. I remember. Do you know who hospice nurse Julie is?

She's a, you should look her up. Okay. Yes. I've had her on too. And something she said resonated with me with hospice nursing. Like you said, you weren't sure if you were going to be able to handle it because people are dying. Like that's the point of hospice. Yes. But when you were neuro, were you neuro ICU or were you like neurotelly? Neurotelly. Okay. Because I think something that we find

at least something I didn't realize as a nursing student going into nursing, I'm thinking I'm going in to help people. I'm so excited to help people. And then once you get into the hospital, you realize most of the time it's a business, it's profit over people. And there's sometimes not a lot you can do for people, whether it be hospital boundaries or family obstacles that you have to like navigate. But something with hospices, people are like,

people are wanting to die it's time for them to go and you kind of get to let them die with dignity yes and like I don't think that happens oh not that it doesn't happen in the hospital but a lot of times people are dying without dignity in the hospital and I think that's what turns me away from ICU bedside I'm not burnt out yet but I can see in my future I'm like no that time will come because unless change happens in the hospital and that's something that's pretty about

Yes. You know? I love it. Yeah. And I did have a pretty big experience with a patient. That was my first patient in hospice. Oh, wow. I was in my neurotel unit and I had had this patient for, I don't know, she's been there for like three weeks at this point. And I remember they're like, they assigned me to her. And...

Oh man, that day was so hard. I got to work. I had a nursing, not nursing, a nursing preceptor. She was doing, she was almost about to be a solo nurse. So it was very helpful, but we, we were short staff. So I guess for a different state of like, oh, that's nothing, but we had five patients, but their acuities were kind of high because they knew they had a nurse and a nurse preceptor. So they gave us kind of a bit of a heart caseload that day, I remember. And

First things first, you have to go say good morning, introduce yourself. I'm your nurse, Nydia, yada, yada, yada. Yeah. And have my student. And my patient said, I want to die today. Oh. And I was like,

yeah like it's like oh that works here good morning yeah and she said i'm done i want to die today oh and i just remember like honey are you sure like what's going on she's like i just i don't want to do it anymore oh i'm so done yeah and she had been my patient before like a couple times i had her on my shift so i was like really so you kind of know her too yeah and i was like no and i

I was like, okay, let's talk to the doctor. And they brought our palliative team. And that was really hard because I never... Now that I'm a hospice nurse, this comes easy. But mine, I was like eight months new grad. And having to call the daughter to let her know...

your mom wants to die and you should probably get here. But I didn't say it that way because I always imagine like, how would I want someone to tell me that my mom is dying? So I remember specifically making that call to the daughter and saying, are you sitting down? Are you driving? Like I wanted to make sure she was safe first. And she said, I'm home. I'm with my kid.

And I said, well, I have some news for you. I just want to make sure that you're doing okay. She's like, yeah, what's going on? Just like your mom. She knew she was in the hospital. She wants to die.

And I don't know if you want to spend her last days with her. Little did we know she was going to die within like three hours. Oh, well. And she said, yes, absolutely. Let me figure out child care. She couldn't. And she actually brought the kid with her. And she made it to the room. And at that point...

We had to call respiratory tech because she was in a BiPAP machine and we had to unplug her. And that's when the first times that I had to do morphine and loracepam, like every 15 minutes, those were the orders. Yeah. And in a way, you almost feel, yes, you're helping this person. But I'm like, am I doing it? Am I doing it? You know the word? Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, why am I, what am I doing? My nursing student, she's like, I don't know what I'm doing, Nidia. Like, I'm so scared. I'm like, honestly, me too. Oh, yeah. But we can be scared together. And so calling her the daughter was extremely hard. And then seeing her, another family member, a lot of family members gather. And so it was a lot of emotions. And the hospital at this point, they don't,

don't they don't really care yeah within two hours that her passing I had another patient in the same room that was really hard and I don't know she eventually passed

But pushing medications, taking off the BiPAP, leaving her in a small little six liter nasal cannula. And those those memories, they'll never go away. Yeah, they'll never go away. And she'll always be in my mind. And even after my shifts, I would see her room and remember her. Till this day, like I remember her name, her daughter's name, calling her daughter, everything.

But I do know that she wanted her wishes and we were able to accomplish that. But it was still really hard emotionally for the family because one of the family members was screaming and crying. Oh, yeah. That's always hard. Yeah. He had just lost his mom. And then there's me, the nurse, of like, please, please calm down. Yeah. I really I really don't want screaming. We don't want to.

affect any other patients and how do you tell that in the midst of grieving exactly so it's just really really hard but in a way that made me love hospice and it gave me a different perspective her daughter because it was her son and her daughter her daughter had a really good experience and she's like so grateful for the care that we had given her her son was just having a harder time

And it's just to tell you that people grief differently. People see death really differently and they perceive them differently. But it is as a nurse at the end of the day, you have to put your emotions in the side and just

Give them support. That's what they need the most. Yeah, that's such a good story, honestly, because I think it does kind of highlight what we go through as nurses and that we don't get a break after that. You have a patient coming almost guaranteed. And it is hard. It's really hard. I remember one of my first deaths with a patient was.

As a new grad, my patient, she was passing and her family member came in, didn't say anything. It was like her son and her grandson came in, looked at her and left. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, are they leaving? And so I went to talk to them and he was like, I can't be in there. And neither could the grandkid. They didn't want to be in there. And I was like,

Okay. She's she's you were left. I was left with them by myself and I was hysterical at the time because I was like this can't be normal. But like you said people do grieve differently and just like we're not used to seeing death. Some other people are also not used to seeing death even like family members or maybe they are used to it and they just have to remove themselves.

How they cope. How they cope. Because at first I was extremely judgmental, like who leaves their family member to die alone? But in their head, maybe she's not there anymore, you know? And they... I still have a hard time with that. I still do too. I do too. But I was like, at least I can be here, hold her hand while she passes, even though that was extremely difficult. And I will say that was probably one of the first times I was like...

I don't know if I want to do this. This probably isn't for me. I was injured too. Yeah. It was so hard when she passed. My charge nurse actually came and said like, are you doing okay? How are you doing? And I remember like, you know, shedding my tears. I'm like, no, it's okay. It's okay. I need to

Just have a new patient who just had a transplant and we need to help. We need to, you know, be okay for this patient. So within two hours, we had a brand new patient. And it was a Saturday. So there was no nurse management, no one to check on you. And I was like, this is it? I just, you know, I just have a new patient and just move on? Just move on?

Nothing? Traplin? Nothing? And they're like, no. Just moving on to the next one. So that's why I don't like hospice in a hospital or when a patient becomes hospice in a hospital. I'd rather have them

Yeah.

It's not. It's part of the process and helping them breathe so that it's not like agonal breathing for them. Sureness of breath. Yes. Anxiety. It is to help them. But I understand the feeling of being like, I think as a new grad. As a new grad. Absolutely. No, I'm like, please give me all the medications. I want to make sure that they're not in pain. Exactly. I think that's my number one rule.

If a hospice patient or if a patient is in hospice, never ever let them have pain. Yeah, absolutely. They're my main rule. Yeah. Never have pain. But yes, at that point when I was a new grad, I was like, I don't know if I'm doing the thing. It felt so wrong. I know. I know that exact feeling. But then like with experience, you're like,

Oh, no, this is this is correct. Yes, this is helpful. And it's even if I know like some the only reason I'm bringing it up again is because a lot of people who listen are not health care workers and I want them to know it is helpful to give them these medications. But when you're new, it's scary because you're just you're still learning as even as a graduated nurse with their past their NCLEX and everything with your license, you're still learning. So it's like, wait, what?

But it makes sense in the end. Yes, it does. It does. Just encourage everyone, if your family member is in hospice, just so you know, like nurses do feel for them a lot. Absolutely. Well, kind of pivoting subjects. Yes. I noticed you were telling us that us, me and my assistant Ariel, you're telling us that you moved to the U.S. when you were 17. Yes.

I did. Can you kind of tell us, if you want, tell us about your background. You're from El Salvador. Tell us about you. Born and raised in El Salvador, if I may. I know with the accent. I like the accent. I need to work on that. Yeah. So, born and raised in El Salvador.

I moved to the States when I was 17. So what a journey now that I think about it. I'm like, man, it really was hard. But I'm sure I'm just so glad that I'm here. But at the same time, so my dad ended up getting his green card around like, this might be 14 years old. And so at that point, I kind of knew I was going to move to the States. I just didn't know when. And because I was underage, my

My mom was married to my dad, so therefore I was going to get a green card too eventually. So I ended up getting my green card and my mom said, okay, we have to move. And at 17, you're just at a stage of life where you want to be with your friends and your family. I was a sophomore in high school, so it was really hard to move to a new country, make new friends, and learn a second language. Yeah, absolutely. All those things, they were really hard. So we moved to the States and...

Things were not easy. My mom, she pretty much was like a single mom. My parents had pretty much separated at that point. They were no longer together. Oh, wow. So my mom and I were just, you know, pretty much on our own, really. And I remember having to have like a... I went to high school and...

And then afterwards, I would have a part-time job to help her pay the bills. Because, you know, it was just the two of us. And I was like, I hate it here. I want to move back home. I want to be with my friends. I actually went off social media because seeing my friends have a good time, I was like, it was really hurtful to me. Because you missed it. I missed it so much. FOMO. The culture. Yes. Culture, friends, family. And...

You know, just overall, like moving to a whole different country is so hard. I can't imagine. I can only imagine. You can only imagine. You know, I'm like, wow, it's impressive. But that's why I'm like excited for you to tell your story because I bet other people can relate. Yes. And believe it or not, there's so many immigrant nurses, a lot of bilingual nurses and immigrants.

It's just to show that everyone has a different story. So I moved to the U.S. and helping my mom as much as I could with a part-time job after high school and going to nursing school. At first, I wanted to be a dentist. Okay. And that was my goal. And my goal was never to move to the U.S. I was going to be a dentist in like South America. Yeah. That was my dream. I wanted to be a dentist in like Chile or Argentina. Yeah.

just go and explore. But then, you know, my parents like, no, you, this is an actual opportunity. You should,

Most definitely. Well, you actually don't have a choice. My mom was like, you don't have a choice. You're coming. Yeah. We're not leaving you here. You're coming with us. Yes. And I think a lot of Hispanic children would understand, like, you must follow your parents' rules. Yeah. So I did. And nursing was not my plan A either. Mine either. Yes. So when I found out about dental school in the U.S., I was like, it is really expensive. And dental school, it's one really hard to get in.

And two, it's really expensive. And that's when I found out about nursing. And I was like, well, actually, this kind of checks all my boxes. Like, I love people and I love taking care of people. And I already wanted to be in the health care field.

So nursing just kind of was like, wow, this is a great plan B. Yeah. I loved it. So I ended up applying for nursing school. Wow. And this was like in Maryland. So I have to move to Arizona. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Maryland, California, Arizona. I lived a lot of places. So moved to Arizona, found out that there is a bilingual program here in Arizona for nurses. Very cool. So I applied to that. And-

that's how I got accepted into nursing school because I speak English and Spanish. Yeah. But primary is Spanish. 100%. Yes. Yes. So primarily Spanish. But if you want to get accepted into this program, you need to have fluent Spanish and, you know, also know English. So that's kind of how it worked out. But it was not easy. It was not easy. And I think that for everyone who moves to the States and they're like afraid of

You should be in a way, but that also helps because there's so many things that you're going to have to go through. But at the same time, just keep in mind that you're not alone. Yeah. Because there's a lot of us. Yeah. And that's why whenever I was reading your story, I was like, I feel like this would be so important and encouraging to other people. I hope so. Because I'm from Oklahoma and born and raised in Oklahoma. And Oklahoma is beautiful.

a very nice place but also there's not a lot of culture it's a lot of white people and you don't realize that until you start moving and traveling and going to different states so my husband and I decided to travel nurse very excited we went directly to California where there's many different types of cultures yeah everyone it seems like is at least bilingual and I'm like I'm

I'm behind. Hablo poquito espanol. It's adorable. I was like, I got to catch up here. But it was really impressive because we met a lot of nurses from the Philippines, Argentina, many, many, many places. I couldn't even name them all. And they all go through similar things that you've gone through as well as

Like, what's their future? How is it going to unfold for them? But you can kind of tell us about yours. And I'll be honest, like when I moved to Arizona, actually, I hated it. I remember thinking to my mom, I'd say to my mom's like, mom, like why the desert? Yeah. There's nothing here. I remember coming down the airport. I'm like, there's just nothing like I don't see a single building. Like there's a lot. And actually that was in Tucson. I don't know if you've been there. I haven't been to Tucson yet. So that was that first airport experience.

and got oh wow so the drive was desert everywhere oh wow I was like I hated it here little did I know I was gonna love this place and find my husband and my best friends and you know it just turned out to

I love it. I love it. So if you're scared of new things, you never know what it's going to bring to your life. Yeah. And I never thought in a million years, you know what I'm saying? But like in so many years, I was going to end up here and loving it. Right. But because like your path ended up changing and not changing.

Not so much for your own like free will, like you were going with your parents, you had to, you were a minor, all the things. But then it still worked out for you in the end. And it's probably because you put yourself out there. You didn't stay like a hermit and stay never going out and never trying new things or, you know, doing what's best for you and your future. Because I think something else with nursing is...

A lot of people think you have to start it because it's your passion. No. It's just not true. I hate that so much because it's not my passion. It doesn't mean that I don't. You're still a great nurse. Still a great nurse. I like taking care of people. That's the easiest part of the job is taking care of somebody. The rest is kind of the hard stuff. Yeah. But it doesn't have to be your plan A. It can be your plan B, C, D, whatever. Yeah. As long as you're working hard and going through all the motions. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. And trying new things. Yeah. And what you said, like, make sure that you might be scared, but you got to put yourself out there. So I joined apps like meetups. Yes.

I remember being like, okay, this is completely out of my comfort zone. And I'm not a super social butterfly sometimes. And I was like, okay, I have to push myself because one, I need people. You need community. I need community. Yes. And I need to know what else is out there. What am I capable of? Even though I'm so, so deadly afraid. So that's kind of how I did it. And even the language barrier, yeah.

I would say this, my parents did. I was so fortunate enough that my parents were able to pay for private school. Oh, wow. So I did know English prior to moving to the States. Not a lot. I mean, you can ask anyone now who's close to me. I was so shy. And even like saying a sentence, I would be so scared. I was like, what if I said that word wrong? Or what if I can't properly say what I'm thinking? What if it sounds weird? And so it took me a lot of reading books.

A lot of pronunciation, how to spell a word. I would just watch so many YouTube videos on how to pronounce words because I wanted to make sure people could understand me. So if that is one of the reasons why you're scared, sometimes people are like, I don't know if I sound okay. I can't speak it. I'm like, just go for it. Just do everything you can. I agree. Being on the other side of it, I know that some people can be hateful to people who speak different languages, but I feel like

crossing my fingers that we're moving away from that. But being on the other side of it, whenever I hear someone trying to speak English and they always say, sorry, it's I'm so they apologize for it. I'm sorry. It's not very good. And I'm like, girl, you can speak more than one language. You're way smarter than most of us already. What do you mean? You're sorry. You know what I mean? But I feel like that's a great perspective. It is. I'm like, you're you're smarter than me already. You can speak two languages. Look at you speaking it. And I know exactly what you're talking about.

So like, you're fine. Yeah. I feel bad that they even apologize. I'm like, why are you apologizing? The stigma, huh? The stigma, I said. I'm like, we should squash that. No, you're absolutely right. I think whenever I hear an accent or someone talking their native language, I'm like, honestly, that is a sign of...

just empower and almost because that means that you probably are not from the States. You're probably an immigrant and you have a big story behind you. Oh, yeah. That we don't know. Yeah. No, I completely agree. Do you care to talk about being woken up at gunpoint? No. 14 years old? Okay. But this is the first time I actually share my story. Really? Well, it is the first time I talk publicly about it. My close family and friends do know about this issue that happened until this day.

I struggle with like PTSD. And for those who don't know, like post-traumatic disorder. Yeah, absolutely. At 14, I was woken up at gunpoint. I was in my bedroom. It sounds horrible. And it was horrible. I mean, I was about to say it's pretty horrible. It sounds horrible. And it is horrible. But I remember waking up. My dog was barking, barking, barking, barking. And I just remember what is going on. And I just remember seeing a man walking.

in my house and I was, we have a two-story, we had a two-story home and I just was like, why is there a man in my house? Like usually my parents will tell me if like a plumber is coming or someone's visiting. I don't know. And my dog wouldn't stop barking. So that was kind of like, I don't know. In a day. In a day. Yeah. And finally this man approached me and he had a gun and he was like pointing it at my face and

And he had a bandana. So to this day, I'm just like so grateful that nothing happened. Yeah. Nothing. And, you know, you think the worst things now. But in the moment, I was like in so much shock.

I just remember not understanding and just following commands. And he told me to grab my dog. Oh, yeah. So all I remember is like I grabbed my dog and I just went behind him because he told me to go downstairs. Oh, wow. And so I grabbed my dog, my dog in my arms and my dog's like barking, screaming, not screaming, but barking loudly. And I just go behind his back. And as we're going downstairs, I feel his gun pointed at my in my back.

And so I'm just, at that point, I was just in complete shock. And they said it's in our living room. Us? Is it you and your parents? So us, quick question. Us, it was me. And by...

We had a housekeeper that day. She was helping us clean the house and she shouldn't so happen to be there. Oh, no. And unfortunately, my friend had just got dropped off like five minutes prior. So the poor thing ended up being in that situation too. Oh, wow. So it was kind of a few of us. My parents were not there. So it was kind of planned, I think.

This, for security reasons, can go too much into detail, but the housekeeper probably had to do with the whole situation. And we just, at the moment, we didn't know. So my poor friend was in my house. And so we made it to the living room.

They put towels over our faces and they didn't tie my hands, but they tie my brother's hands. So my brother ended up coming downstairs from his room too. And funny thing, he had his blanket and they just used that to cover him. Oh, wow. And so my brother and I were not very touchy siblings and none of that matter.

But he was the moment I felt, and this is when I get emotional, the most love from him because he sat down next to me and said to me, like, it's going to be okay. Aw, you're making me cry. Right? And he said to me, like, it's going to be okay. And we're not huggers, but I remember him, like, hugging me and then they tied his hands. So we really, I was next to him, but I didn't really get to be with him. Yeah, right. But in a way, it was nice because I knew I had him. No matter what was going to happen. No matter what was going to happen. Yeah.

Sorry. Don't be sorry. I'm a crier. Yeah, me too. And so we didn't know what was going to happen. What I do remember is we had someone who was making sure that we didn't move, that we didn't do anything. He was downstairs taking care of us, if you may.

And in those moments, like, you just don't know what's going to happen. And you realize, like, how important and precious life is because I remember being a 14-year-old and saying to this man, take everything you want. Just don't take our lives. And it sounds funny now, but he was comforting in a way because he said to me, if you shut up, we won't kill you. It's not funny. It's just like one of those things you're like, okay. But I was like, okay.

I didn't say a beep afterwards. You're like, I'm going to trust you on this. So, you know, we got to deal with humor now. Right, right. So, yeah, that's what he said to me. And so after that, I completely shut up. I didn't say a single thing. There was an important portion of this whole story. My parents had a

lockbox if you where they kept like very important documents and actually to this day I don't really know what they really had but I knew it was like important stuff might have been like our passports and stuff like that and only one person aside from my brother and I knew where it was and it was like hitting in the house and

They ended up finding it, of course. And to this day, I'm just so grateful that that didn't... I don't remember listening to this, but my brother's like, yes, they said this. And they said, if you don't give us the password, we'll take in the girl, which is me. And I don't remember this. To me, that was shocking. Hearing it now, I'm like...

How did I, how did I not hear that? Your brain like expected you to like black out. Black out. I don't remember him, them saying that. Wow. And my brother, all I remember is my brother crying and just hysterical, like just being like, don't do anything. This is what I remember, like him saying, don't do anything to us. And he said to him, like, we don't have, I don't have the password. I don't know what you're looking for. Take it.

take it with you we just don't have the password and that's when our housekeeper said please if you please just we don't have we don't have any information just take whatever you want that's all i remember what it felt like hours honestly it was like 45 minutes to an hour that they were in our house taking everything i mean our house was empty by the time they had left everything was empty um

So they finally left. And my brother remembers like, hey, I don't hear them anymore. So I probably should go check in the house.

And that's where he just went over every single room. And at this point, his hands were tied. Oh, wow. So they didn't tie the ladies. Oh, I see. So they didn't tie me. So that's how we knew we were able to untie him. Yeah. And all the rooms were a mess. I remember that. All the rooms were a mess. They had taken everything. But you know what? I'm just so grateful and blessed that they didn't take our lives. Yeah. And to this day, I'm here because...

that didn't get to a point where. A point of escalation to do something like that. Anything crazy. Yeah. So my brother said to me, I'm just glad they didn't take you. And I'm like, what do you mean they didn't take me? He said, they said that if we didn't give them the password, they wouldn't, they would take you. Oh, wow. And I was like, what do you, what? Like, when did that happen? I don't remember any, and I might've been in a state of shock. Absolutely. So I, that's why I don't remember. Absolutely. We call my parents, I mean, my parents were hysterical. They were

Rightfully so. They were so scared for us. They were so scared for my mom. My mom was so scared for us. My dad was so angry because he was out of state. He was already living in the U.S.,

So my brother just was kind of like the man of the house at that point. And to think that he was so young, he was like early 20s. And the fact that he had to, how scary it is to go around each room thinking, you know, you could get shot. But he still did it because he was like, I don't hear anyone. And it's my job to make sure that the house is safe for us. Is this your older brother? Yeah.

Yeah. He felt like it was his duty to protect. Yeah. His duty to protect him. And I just remember, you know, praying and just being so grateful that nothing had happened to us. But till this day, I battle with PTSD. Yeah. Rightfully so. I think anyone would. Do.

Do you want me to tell you like how that is? I do. I would love you to run us through PTSD and what that looks like for you. PTSD, for anyone who's going for that, I just want to say like there's so many people going through PTSD. So many people have it, especially our veterans. And you need a lot of therapy. Yeah, absolutely. That's how you cope with that a lot of times. And a lot of times you have to face your fears first.

To get better from PTSD. To this day, I... And you have to know your triggers. For me, my triggers are being left home alone. And my safety is having a dog. Yeah. Because I relate that to the dog that woke me up.

was the creature that let me know someone was in the house like telling me there's a danger yeah and so to me having my dog I always you know I just find it as a safety they're like your emotional support my emotional support my safety my if someone breaks into the house I have 0.3 seconds to leave the house yeah you know so um you need to figure out what your triggers are you need to figure out um or talked about it with your therapist a lot of times like how do I

get better from this what are what are some things that i can introduce myself into that can help me get through the ptsd so my therapist was like well first and foremost like you need to set up like a good security system and that's what has really really really helped me okay um

alarms, security system, cameras in place, your door, your front door, if you forget to lock it, it locks automatically. So a lot of those steps I need to take to make sure that I feel safe in my own home. Yeah. Even though it was in a complete different country to this day, like it's just to show how you're

really plays games on you. So sometimes even when an Amazon delivery driver knocks on my door or leaves something by my doorstep, I'm like, when I catch myself, like, breathe and check the ring camera and make sure all the alarms are on. It's something that you battle with every day, and I think it's something I might take to my grave. It's just slightly with the years gets better. Unfortunately, my husband...

He's so funny. We were just newly married. He knew about this, but he didn't really know to the extent of how to help with the triggers. He came home early one day, not knowing that I was home. And the poor thing, he tried to call me, but I was like sound asleep.

And I just remember him opening the door and it was probably like 630 because he was working an early shift and I was my day off. So my inside trigger was like, who the frick is getting inside the house? And so he thought it's so cute. He thought it would be a really cute idea to just sneak into bed and be with me. You're like wrong. Completely wrong. So he did that.

And I just remember hearing someone open the door and my dog, but surprisingly we didn't, oh, we didn't have a dog. So that's why I didn't know what was going on. So he opened the bedroom door. And at that point I'm already like 911 on my phone. Like something's happening. Like what's going on? You know, like what am I supposed to do?

And it was my husband. And I just remember just crying out loud because I was like, don't you ever do that to me again. He's like, what's going on? And I'm like, you know what's going on. And I remember him hugging me and I haven't felt any. That was the first time I've ever like shivered from crying and from being so emotionally exhausted. And just being like, please, like, call me, yell, knock hard on the door, do anything to let me know because it just triggered me.

you know the images from when i was a 14 year old and i just remember him hugging me to like i'm so sorry i will never do this to you again i love you and i was like loving him deeply love him but it was so angry and i was too imagine the things like i was in my flight fight or flight state at this point i was like either i run i just when he opened the door i was like who is it like

do I need to run or do I fight? I remember thinking that. And the moment I saw his face, I was like, just, I just melted. I melted. And I was like, thank you. It was him. Yeah. And so those are kind of triggers that have happened. And we have set rules in our house. Like, even if it's your home, like, you really need to let me know before coming in. Because the reality is like, you don't

You just don't know how your body's going to react. If it's even safe for him, because, you know, what am I going to do if I see someone that I don't recognize in the house? And now that we have set up things in place, I'm like,

I could have, you know, I could have done things I could have hurt you. And I would never forgive myself for that. Yeah. And vice versa, too. I just he doesn't want to do that to me. But it was an accident. It was a trigger. Yeah. So that being said, you know, security system has been so important to me and really therapy. I'm talking to my therapist about, hey, this is what happened. And just kind of figuring it out, like how to move on from here.

And time really does heal. But thankfully, I never have to be on medications, but I have definitely have to do like

what do they call it? I forgot the kind of therapy, but like kind of like not. Think about where you were and the things that you could have done in the moment differently. Yeah. And apply it now to your life. And so that you feel safer at your own home. Yeah. So a lot of people struggle with PTSD. And unfortunately, it's something that I will potentially struggle with for the rest of my life. Yeah. But I've come to terms. Yeah. Well, like you said earlier, I know this was about...

Coming here from another country, like you said, you're not alone. You're not alone either. I struggle with PTSD as well. Not nearly what you went through. But it's just interesting how we all can go. I always say pain is relative. We all can go through something and it's so painful to us. And then you hear someone else's story and you're like, wait, but that's worse to me or that's not as bad as mine. But pain is relative because we all go through something painfully.

that's hurtful or harmful. And I struggle with PTSD too. And I don't think that you should minimize your hurt to anyone because just because someone has it easier or difficult doesn't mean that what you're going through is not as hard. It's not like you're not feeling the same pain. Yes, it hurts. Absolutely. But something that's helped me too was therapy, 100%. And I know therapy is not accessible for everyone, but I always tell people, look on TikTok.

TikTok for free therapy because there are licensed therapists on there that will give information and I know it's not like you're in the session with them but it's one free avenue but therapy really helped me with like building a toolbox is what we call it and like

when I'm going through my triggers, we pull out a tool. Okay, what can I do for this? Is it deep breathing? Is it, do I need to leave? Do I need to, you know, what is it that I need to do from my toolbox? But I have it because my therapist is like, how do I feel safe? Exactly. How do I feel safe? Yeah. That's a great way to put it. And just be mindful that your body,

it speaks louder than words. Absolutely. If your body is racing, that's not normal. If your body is like sweating a lot or your body or your heart, you feel like it's raising your chest pain. Those are signs of sometimes anxiety, sometimes your body's telling you, I am not, I'm not feeling safe. Yeah. And sometimes that you're right. That means leaving something

Or that means I need a second to myself. There's so many ways. And also friends, really just talking about it and feeling a sense of community has just been so important to me. Yeah. You're not isolated. You have support. Yeah. That's really important. Yes.

What is something, I mean, you kind of already told us, but like if someone out there is struggling with their mental health, whether it be PTSD or something else, what's like some words of encouragement? I feel like you're a really good speaker. You have good things to say. I feel like people could really learn from you. It sounds cliche, but talk to someone. Yeah. My mom struggles with depression. Oh, gosh. It's okay. I do too. And yeah.

She struggles with that, but there was a point in our lives where she struggled really hard with that. And we just didn't know what it was. I think in the early 2010s, mental health wasn't a thing. No, you're so right. It wasn't a thing. So my parents just thought that she had an acid reflux. She was in the hospital for...

So many other conditions, little did we know it had to do with her mental health. And so she needed the right medications, but she needed to pretty much advocate for herself. And so any words of encouragement is like, please, please, please, from the bottom of my heart, you might not know me, but take this. Just advocate for yourself. If when you don't feel safe, like tell someone. Yeah. Or someone, whether that's your family, whether that's your friend. Yeah.

You'd rather do it publicly than do it alone by yourself. Absolutely. Because you just never know what good can come out of just telling someone. So just making sure that even building just a community or have a good support system.

I am a strong believer that sometimes friends mean more than family. You choose your family. Yeah. And I've learned the hard way. My friends really have made such an impact in my life. And if you can tell just one person about what your struggles are, I think I hope that person helps you. Yeah. And like you said, unfortunately, but sometimes...

Yeah, sometimes. Seriously. Sometimes, not everything. Sometimes, not all the time. But sometimes knowing that someone's going through something similar really helps. It does. Whether that is finding a YouTube video of like, you know, how to even start with a therapist. Because sometimes you don't even know. What if you don't have insurance? Like, go online and be like, find a therapist near me. And a lot of people are not want to invest on therapy. But I can tell you sometimes it's just...

What's more important to you in the long run, your mental health or your budget? That's so, so true. We put therapy in our budget now like a utility. Yes. It's a piece of our bills every month because it's what keeps us like maintenance. Yes. 100%. It's kind of like a car. If you're going to put 50 bucks on your monthly budget for your car, put aside, you know, a little bit of that for your mental health. Absolutely. Yes. I love that. Thank you.

Something my therapist actually brought to my attention is something called a, quote, highly sensitive person, end quote.

And I looked into it. There's a book. And it's pretty much, to sum it up in the best way I can, it's about people who have been through things, whether now they have PTSD from it, anxiety from it, et cetera, but they've been through something really traumatic in their life. It's made your body highly sensitive and aware. Do you ever feel like because of that or since that, you have like a sixth sense to things? Yes. Where you're like, oh my God, I know. It's interesting that your body remembers. Yeah.

Like the body tells, there's a book on that too, but the body, your body remembers. Yes. And so like you're very sensitive now and it's probably because of that. But then it's kind of a beautiful thing because you're hyper aware. Like I'm super hyper aware. Yeah. Especially like if I'm alone with them, when I'm with my husband, I'm like...

It's fine. I know. You can cross the street. I don't care. You know, I'm a target. But when I'm alone, I'm like, exit, exit, exit, exit, where I can hide. Yes. Yes. And that's, I think, part of being a woman, but also part of something you went through. Part of being a woman. You got it right. Yes. Because my husband...

When like he's my airport daddy. He's my I'm passenger princess. Whenever we're going anywhere, I don't have to worry. Yeah. Because I got my man with me. Yeah, absolutely. He can worry. That's his job right now. But you're so right. Like when I'm not with him, I'm like, OK, there's the exit. If I go and sit in the bathroom stall, I'm like, who could be watching? Who is about to try to harm me? Like hyper alert. Yes. Isn't that interesting? It's very interesting. And I do think that you don't have to go through something like what I'm through. Yes. Yes.

to be that way because I think it's so important, especially as females, to

You don't know who's next to you. No. You really don't. So that's why I'm like, exit, exit. I just need to make sure where I can hide. And unfortunately, that's how it is sometimes. But yes, 100%. Yes, I'm a sensitive person. I want to, I'll have to find the title of that book to send you because it's, it's really interesting. The more I read, I was like, oh, there's people like me out there that understand the feelings I'm going through. When I see someone cry, I cry. Oh, when you were, that's why I was like, oh.

I'm going to lose it. I like to say I'm a frequent crier. Not a frequent flyer yet, but I'm a frequent crier. I will cry. And I used to try to cover it up. But honestly... Don't you hate when people tell you like, you're too sensitive? Oh, yeah.

Listen, that makes me so mad because it's not something I can help. I can't either. I can't just not be not sensitive. No. Tell me not to cry. I'm probably going to cry harder because now you made me mad. I'm a little angry now and I cry when I'm angry, happy, sad. It doesn't matter. Yeah. But I will be a crier. But also there's nothing wrong with it. Nothing. It's a natural thing that our bodies do to release the stress. Like it's fine. Yeah. I've been told like

Exactly. Hands on hips. Yes. Yes. No, I agree with that. And that's...

This is totally kind of off topic, but when new grads come to me and they're like, hey, I was talking to, like, let's say they have a bully on the unit and they want to talk to them. They're like, but I know I'm going to cry. 100% me. Do it. Cry. That's okay. Anytime I talk to somebody about something difficult on the unit, I am going to cry. Yes. You know? I am that way. It is what it is. And also, use it as your advantage. It's kind of a superpower. When you cry and you're talking to someone else, it makes them uncomfortable. Yeah.

horrible sometimes yeah yeah it makes them uncomfortable makes them feel either for you or about what they were doing to you so like who cares yeah honestly who cares being emotional i think it's an under you know statement sometimes yeah it really is a power to you it's an underrated superpower because when you're in a situation like wouldn't you want someone to feel how you're kind of feeling yeah when i tell the story to someone if i see them feel emotional but i'm like oh

they really care for me. Yeah, exactly. They're really feeling what I'm feeling. And I'm able to connect even more with that person. Whether with someone just looking at me, I'm like, all right, well, that sucks for you. Nothing there. And I'm like, okay, then I don't feel comfortable sharing anything anymore. I completely feel the same. I'm like,

It's not like you have to cry, but I need to feel you're engaged. Yeah. It's like, OK, like there's connection. Yeah. You said. Yeah. Emotional connection. Absolutely. That's great. Well, I'm going to move on to something lighter in the episode. Do you want to hear a few funny new grad stories? I would love to. OK, let me find them real quick.

I like new grad stories because they tell us we're all human. Do you want me to tell one? Do you have one? It's so embarrassing. If you want to tell it, I'll tell you one of mine if you want to tell me one of yours. Okay. Ready for this. This is so stupid. No, I want to know your new grad story.

We all have one. That's the point of them. We all have one. And I actually just told this to my husband. And I love how I'm getting more comfortable. Yes. Good company. I was just telling my husband, I was like, probably Linda would ask me about my new Gretz story. And I was like, I have the perfect one. So my patient had just, oh,

oh gosh, just thinking about it. I just finished getting a spine surgery because we were in neuro unit. Okay. And he had, I mean, it was a zipper from like neck to bottom. So his poor thing didn't feel a lot in his back. Pretty much from his neck down, he's like numb. He didn't feel much. Okay. He's like six, six. I'm not kidding. And I'm like five, two and a half. That matters. Your bite size. Yeah, it's like fun size. And he said to me that I need to go to the bathroom and obviously we need to help him. But

For security or safety reasons, I asked my CNA, would you please come and help me? And so we both got him out from the bathroom. And prior to that, I remember him saying like, oh, you know, the gown is really small on me and kind of, you know, sorry that you get to see like all my back. No, I'm your nurse. It's completely fine. So he gets up and we're both helping him to get to the bathroom. Lindsay, I don't know, why in the heck was I thinking? His gown was open. He put

booty cheeks were there. He has a zipper in his back. My mind just went, oh, grab his gown instead of closing it and just put it in between his booty cheeks. You just folded it. I folded the gown. One, two, put it

He doesn't feel it, though. He didn't feel it because he was so numb from his surgery from the neck down. That's hilarious. Because I was in my head. I'm like, I'm trying to protect his privacy. Okay. And he's so tall that the gown was like barely under his bums. Like I just went...

And my CNN was like, what the frick are you doing? And I was like, I actually have no idea what I just did. You were just going through the motion. And so he just didn't feel it right. And then when he is about to sit down, I have to take it out. So he sits down and me and my CNN were like trying our hardest not to laugh. We're just like...

Finally, we put him back in bed and we got out of his room and she had to tell everyone. She's like, you don't know what this girl did. And I was like, I swear to you, like, it's not like I wanted to. Like, it just came naturally to just do that for him. Tucked it in. Tuck it in. In his booty cheeks. Privacy reasons.

That was my new grad story. I think that's hilarious because you were caring for him. That really was. It doesn't harm the patient. You were literally thinking two steps ahead. Like, how can I keep his booty? Privacy. Privacy. Dignity. You know what I'm talking about?

What did that mean? Stuck in his gown and his booty. Well, I will tell you, I've never heard that. Never heard that. I think that's hilarious. God, do you think so? That is... No, that's hilarious. It haunts me till this day. I bet it does. It does stay. And my husband would be like, remember what you did to the patient? I'm like, stop. Like, stop. That's so bad. No, because I have to tell my husband that story whenever I leave. Please do. Because it's hilarious. Because sometimes you get them and I'm like, okay, this is bad. Yeah. That's not like bad. It's just hilarious. Yeah. Because it was all with...

With a good heart. A good intention. Yes, good intentions. A really good intention. But I can just picture you talking to Emily. Yes.

I didn't realize. It was my scene. I was like, why did you put it in there? And I was like, wait, why did I? Why did I do that? She's probably watching you like, girl, what are you doing? I didn't realize a single moment that I was doing something dumb. It happens to the best of us. That's why I love these stories because everyone has at least one. And like just the other day at work, I'm not a new grad anymore. I mean, I'm not the most seasoned nurse. I'm only a five-year-old nurse, but...

Not a new grad. Yes. But I go into my patient's room. I just got report. I get report that she's a blind patient. There's a sign on the door that tells us she's blind. I go in there. I'm in the ICU. So we're doing assessments. I'm going through the motions, you know, head to toe. And then I'm like, can you open your eyes for me? And she does. I'm like, OK, look at me.

And she just starts doing this. And I'm like, look at me. I'm over here. And then she went with her hands. And she's intimidated too, so she can't talk. And I was like...

You know what? I am so sorry. I forgot you're blind, huh? And she was like kind of giggling. So I was like, OK, thank God. But hey, it's like, look at me. Not at the moment. It happens to the best of us. It is what it is. It's actually so funny. She's like, no. She literally went like this with her hands. My bad. It just clicked. Yeah. You can't see me. No, but I get these write-ins a lot now and some of them are pretty funny. I would love to know.

And some of them I don't read ahead of time, which can lead to them having to be erased from the podcast because I'm like, no, that's bad. So I'm just going to pick a random. I do think Ariel mentioned that you wanted to know some Spanish, too. So let me know after if you need any help. Ariel's learning Spanish. And I was like, only speak to me in Spanish from here on out. But then when she does, I'm like, wait, I don't know what she's saying. It's too much. Yeah.

OK, this one says I'm a new grad at 42 years old and work with a girl who is in my cohort. She wanted me to come check a patient scrotum because she thought he was developing a pressure ulcer. And she also wanted me to look before asking the charge about it. Not like you can throw a Mepilex on there because it's a scrotum.

So she goes up to the charge. This charge nurse is in her mid-50s and no fun and is trying to sound really professional, but forgot the word scrotum and said, quote, I think my patient has a bed sore in his long paws. Ball sack? Ball sack? I just about died on the inside because, girl. No.

And you know that like someone who's not fun is like, it's called scrotum. No. No. Not a ball sack. No. But honestly, I feel like I might have said that too. Like if I could, if I can't come up with the word, I'm like. The thing. I feel like, hey, sorry. Whenever I was in nursing school.

We had a professor or an instructor who was not super fun. And she didn't like certain people. And you could just tell. And one of the poor girls in our cohort, she didn't like her. Like, you can never figure out exactly why. What is the problem? But whatever. Well, when she was telling a story about her clinical, she said the patient vomited. And the instructor stopped her and was like, you need to say emesis.

I was like, girl, now ball sack. Okay. Like we're in a professional setting. Maybe not. Maybe not ball sack. Really? Emesis. Really? You want her to use the word emesis? No. Like sit down. It's not that big of a deal. Take a chill pill. Take a chill pill. I was like, ew. Ew. No. Okay. I'll read another one.

This one is, okay, this is my favorite oopsie as a new nurse. Here we go. While waiting for my license to go through, I was hired on a COVID unit as a nurse intern. Basically, we're in charge of vitals, med passes, glucose checks, simple tasks to help the nurse. So me and my nurse had five patients. Kind of sounds like you with your nursing student. One of them has severely impaired hearing, but not completely deaf. And one was legally blind.

I already know where this is going. Right.

Tell me why. I just knew she was going to do it. I just knew it. Realizing this was my blind patient and not my hearing impaired patient, I was instantly mortified and started stuttering so bad. I had to quickly leave the room. Embarrassed to the point of almost crying, I went and found my preceptor and told her what I did and asked her...

her again on the verge of complete tears can you please go in there and do her morning meds i'm so embarrassed i don't want her to see me crying and blushing my nurse looked me dead and deadpanned how is she going to see you if she's blind cue the full torrent of tears it happens it happens stories similar to this like it happens to us it's and it's like

You can't help it. No. You're just human. You're human and you're new. At least you're new. Yes. At least you can say I'm a new grad. Yeah, I can't say that anymore. I'm like... I just think these are cute though because...

It just tells everyone like, yes, we all mess up. I have little ones too that I'm like, gosh, I don't know about that. Yeah. Or you always messed up. Like even if you don't want to, like it's just going to happen. You're human. But I just love new grad stories. I do too. They're my favorite. Yes. So if you guys are listening, please send me your new grad stories because I love reading them on here.

But that's all I have for today. Thank you so much for having me. You're welcome. Do you want people to find you on social media? Sure. Okay. And if so, what do you know your social media off the top of your head? It's called showgirlfinds. Okay. It's fine. It'll be in the description. Sounds good. Okay. Thanks for coming again. Thank you so much for having me. I'm still fangirly over you. No, we're friends now. It's fine.

Okay, guys. Bye.