248: What Are Your Rights in a Healthy Relationship?
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What would you say are your rights in a healthy relationship? Like, what kind of things do you have the right to actually be experiencing? And what are the responsibilities that come along with those rights? Today's episode is going to be an open inquiry into the essential ingredients of a relationship that can stand the test of time. And we're going to help you figure out what you've got and maybe what's missing.

But first, just a reminder that we're here to support you in having the best relationships possible. So if you're finding Relationship Alive to be helpful, please consider a donation to ensure that we can continue. Just visit neilsatin.com slash support.

Or text the word support to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. You can choose whatever feels right for you and every little bit counts. And this week I'd like to thank a bunch of supporters because it's been a little while since my last episode.

Thank you all so much for your generous and in many cases ongoing support of Relationship Alive.

Now, if you're looking to take your ability to communicate in relationship up a notch, then I have a couple things for you. The first is a free download of my top three relationship communication secrets. When you put these three simple things into practice, they'll make a huge difference in your ability to stay connected, no matter what you're trying to communicate about.

To download the free guide, just visit neilsatin.com slash relate or text the word relate to the number 33444 and follow the instructions.

You can also still sign up for my full Secrets of Relationship Communication course, where I break down all the ways that you can impact the communication in your relationship for the better. So instead of wasting your time trying to change things that won't make a difference,

You'll learn how to get leverage so that you can influence the communication in your relationship, in all of your relationships for the better, without the other person having to do anything other than respond to the new ways that you're learning to communicate. If you're interested in the course, just visit neilsatin.com slash course, C-O-U-R-S-E.

Lastly, if you're still on Facebook and looking for a supportive community to talk about relationships, make sure you come and join the Relationship Alive community on Facebook. Okay, that's it. Let's get on with the show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Satin, and it's really good to be back with you.

You may have noticed that I haven't been recording as much lately. And that's on purpose, because after so many years here at Relationship Alive, I decided that it was an important moment in my own evolution and in the evolution of this show to step back and look at all the things that we've talked about over the past number of years, over the past 247 episodes, and

and see if there was some way to distill that information so that it can be even more clear, can make even more sense. And if that can bring you a little bit more joy or spare you a little bit more pain, then I feel like I'm doing my job. And let's face it, there's been a lot going on in the world. Depending on when you're listening to this, we've been in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic. And as always,

shocking and challenging as that has been in so many ways, it is also for me personally been an opportunity to really pause and recalibrate in terms of life in general. And for that, I'm grateful, despite all of the challenges that have also come along with it, because let's face it, this has been a challenging time in so many ways.

If it hasn't been challenging for you, that's awesome too. Don't feel like you're missing out. That's fine.

So I just wanted to address, yeah, I've been putting out fewer episodes and that's on purpose because I don't want to just churn things out for you. I want what comes across the inter airwaves, the inter tubes. Well, you know what I put out there that it's worth it. I'm not just here because I like hearing myself talk. In fact, I generally don't like hearing myself talk.

So I want to ensure that when we're here together, that it's with real intention and purpose. So to that end, I've been working on a list of what I think are... I've been tentatively calling it the relationship bill of rights. But that's not totally true, because for one thing, along with...

Right. There are responsibilities and it's hard to have a conversation about the rights that we should enjoy in relationship without also talking about the corresponding responsibilities. That being said, it's a it's a work in progress. And so I'm inviting you to listen and listen with with a critical ear.

What in this list of the rights that you enjoy in a relationship, in a healthy relationship, what resonates with you? What challenges you? What do you think is wrong? What do you think is missing? I want to know. So as always, you can write me. My email address is neilius, N-E-I-L-I-U-S, at neilsatin.com.

Because we are all part of this conversation, the conversation about what relationships even should look like now. We've mentioned on the show that we're not having the same kinds of relationships.

intimate relationships that people were having 20 years ago, 50 years ago, 200 years ago. In many ways, they're the same. And as a culture or as individuals within our culture, we are evolving in terms of what we want, what we expect, what kinds of pain we're willing to tolerate and what we're not willing to tolerate.

There's a beauty in the way that our world has allowed us in many ways to become more independent because that independence gives you corresponding freedom, freedom to choose if you are going to continue to show up for the relationship that you're in. At the same time, we're all inextricably linked. We are interdependent.

And if you don't think you are, then you're missing some key connections between you and the world around you. But we're always in relationship with others. Whether we want to choose to be in an intimate partnership or not depends a lot on your own personal goals and what kind of experience you're looking for in life. It's a legitimate choice to decide that you're not going to do that.

or that you're only going to do it selectively, or that you're only going to do it for limited amounts of time. Likewise, it's totally a legitimate choice to say, hey, I want to sign up for a relationship with you for as long as possible, you know, until the day one of us dies. And that's a good choice, too. All the choices that are possible in the broad spectrum of relationship choices are

bring with them their own joys and their own challenges. We're not going to talk about all of that here today. I'm going to focus on when you are choosing to be in relationship, though I suppose you could look at most of these and think about your relationship with yourself as a way of not only learning

trying to discern what you're looking for in relationship with others, but in terms of how you treat yourself, how you show up for the one relationship that you will have from the day you were born until the day that you pass away. And that is your relationship with you. It's probably the most important relationship you'll ever have. So anyhow, that is the context for the conversation that we're going to have today.

As I mentioned, it is, it will be evolving and I welcome your input on this. So I'm doing my best to look at the total landscape as I see it and identify things that I think are going to be meaningful for you. But if you think I really messed up, then let me know, you know, with kindness, right? Like let's, let's have a constructive conversation.

So without further ado, let's talk about the Relationship Bill of Rights. And as we go through, I will touch on the responsibilities. As you'll hear, most of these, we could have an entire podcast episode on each of these individually. So...

there's going to be a lot to cover here and I'm not going to possibly be able to talk about all the nuances of every one of these, but we'll, we're going to cover a lot of ground. And I think at the end of it,

You are going to realize if you're in a relationship or if you're referring to a past relationship, you're going to realize what is working or was working for you. And you're going to also get a sense of where things aren't working. And so a list like this can be a great diagnostic tool for you to identify what's working well and what maybe not so much. Yeah.

I also want to note that as I was going through this, I recognize that I have an implicit bias toward a particular kind of relationship. And that bias is reflected in the rights of relationship that you are about to hear.

If you want to have a relationship that is functional, meaning that's just based on like mutual, like we're both paying the bills, we're both doing the housework, we're both raising the kids and otherwise like.

We don't really care too much about each other or, you know, it can be like pure business. Then this list may not resonate with you. And that will be interesting for me to hear. Like, what are the things here? Are you like, well, that sounds good, but it's totally impractical or that sounds good for other people, but not for me.

What you might find is that when you hear something, you're like, that sounds good. And I don't know if that's possible for me in my current relationship. That's another possibility. Those are questions to be answered on other episodes of the podcast. And in fact, we've spent a lot of time addressing the challenges, the problems of relationship for that very reason, so that you can get more toward a fulfilled state of

relational harmony that's reflected by this Bill of Rights. All right, I'm going to dive in.

So and these are these are happening in no particular order, though, as the list gets more and more refined, maybe we'll we'll make it into a more logical progression. But these first few that all go together, I think they really do represent a foundation for where we start in relationship.

So your first right or rights in relationship are to be seen, accepted, and respected for who you are. Not who someone wishes you would be, whether that's just their projection onto you because they imagine you to be a perfect being, or whether it's because they find all these faults in you that they want to fix, or

No matter what, even if you're on a path of growth and in your relationship, and we'll talk about that in a minute, you are who you are in the moment with all the things that are awesome about you and all the things that suck about you. And

If you dwell too much on what's awesome, then, well, that's generally a reflection of narcissism. If you reflect too much on what sucks, then you're going to be depressed and despondent. However, having a healthy perspective on both of those things, along with the things that just are, maybe that are neutral, that's really important for you, both in terms of...

up as you are with with integrity in your relationship and and also because it's just what is and there's a lot of suffering I think maybe someone like the Buddha was taught spoke about how suffering is kind of the gap between what is and what you wish were happening or what you wish weren't happening

we can get into a whole philosophical argument about acceptance of present circumstances, etc. That's not where I'm going with this. Where I'm going is simply that you have the right in your primary intimate relationship, should you choose it, and honestly, in all relationships that are important to you, that you're going to make central in your life, to be you, right?

And for the other person to see you fully, to want to see you fully, to accept you as you are, even if you have faults that drive them crazy, they don't have to like it. They don't have to choose to be around it. We'll talk about that in a minute. But to wish that you were someone other than you and then somehow hold you accountable to that, that is a recipe for disaster, my friend.

That is definitely headed down the wrong path. And to be respected for who you are, to be held in esteem as an equal person. Along those same lines, we want your growth to be encouraged. So if you are in relationship with me and you see ways that according to you, it feels like I'm falling short, then it's not like you have to stay silent about it.

But I do think that it's on you to come up with constructive ways to talk to me about it. Now, I cover that, a lot about that in my communication course, ways to be an invitation to challenging conversations that get you to a new place.

It's an important skill to develop and it is a skill and it's not something that we're always good at. Or you might be good at it with certain people and horrible about it with other people. And that's a reflection of our own abilities and how we are growing in our lives. But I'm not saying that you have to put up with things that you don't like necessarily.

I'm just saying that you have to recognize that the person you're with is who they are. And if you want to engage with them in a conversation about the things that don't work for you, then it's on you to find ways to do that that are generative and supportive and feel good.

Why? Well, because if you don't, if you just come at your partner with judgment or animosity or dog being dogmatic or condemning them, then it's not going to go well.

So I'm setting this all up because I want you to succeed whatever success is. I want you to have the best shot at those conversations going well, being more intimate, more connecting. And the way to do that is to find positive ways into conversations about things like that. And one great way to...

Enter that conversation from a positive place is to be anchored in being willing to accept the person and before you as they are sometimes when you really go deep into that you might Discover that you don't really want to be in relationship with the person who's right before you or that You want a different kind of relationship with that person and that's fine, too and

What I want for you, though, is for you to have the experience of being on the receiving end of this, the receiving end of being seen, being accepted, being respected. Yeah.

Because that feels pretty good when it's there. And when it's not there, it feels horrible. And as an individual who has sovereignty and agency in the world, it's hard to choose that over and over and over again. The more you feel like you're not seen, like you're not respected, like you're not accepted, well, the more you're either going to try to fight for that or you're going to want to get out of there.

And so that's why I think it's a right in your relationship. It's a right to be seen, accepted and respected and to have your growth encouraged in a way that's at its core supportive and based in that foundation of being held in esteem by your partner, even if it's challenging.

Now, one thing I want to mention here is we could also, instead of calling this your rights in relationship, we could sort of call it the things that you're entitled to in a healthy relationship. So it's important to notice that all of these are reciprocal. As much as you are getting, receiving in your relationship, it's important for you to be willing to give as well. In an ideal world, things are reciprocal all the time.

It doesn't always work out that way in practice. And yet the reciprocity in a relationship, your ability to be generous with each other is something to pay attention to. Because if it gets too skewed in one direction or another, then it's not sustainable for the long term. So something to pay attention to. But I want to bring that up because...

I want you to be thinking about this not only in terms of what you deserve as a human in your relationships, but also what your partner or partners deserve as well. And that might help you identify the obstacles also in your relationship, either the obstacles that...

You have that you're experiencing that keep you from granting or giving these rights to your partner and also maybe what the obstacles are for them being generous with you around certain things. Sometimes you've got to give a little in order to get a little.

And sometimes that can also become a really unhealthy dynamic, right? Where you're giving, giving, giving, and you don't get anything, right? We don't want to always be giving with the expectation of receiving. But if you're giving, giving, giving, and not being fed, well, it's not sustainable. And in the end, if it's not sustainable, it's not going to last anyway. But why would you choose that for yourself?

Okay, I think I've gone off about this enough. We'll probably come back around to this topic anyway. It's time to move on to the next right that you have in a relationship. And I touched on it just ever so barely in what I was just saying, which is that you have the right to change, to grow. You don't have to stay the same as you always are. And again, neither does your partner.

And correspondingly, it's worth remembering that the way that you change will probably have an impact on your partner, on everyone around you, but especially your partner. So yes, you are free to change. I want you to change in all the ways that you want to change. And just remember that as you change,

It's going to bring things up for the people around you. And so part of changing the responsibility that comes with the right to change is the responsibility to be aware of your impact on others and how those changes are affecting them. It doesn't mean you have to not change. It just means that you have to be involved in dialogue with them about it.

And the way that you hold the ways in which you are changing and growing can have a huge effect on the paths that your relationship will take because change, while it's essential,

It's also scary. Change butts right up against the certainty that we want to experience in our relationship. You want to know who your partner is day in, day out, and they want to know who you are. And if you start acting differently, then that is going to rock potentially the stability that underpins your relationship, the safety.

That's why people are so often resistant to change, right? Because they start to feel unsafe. Who is this person that suddenly wants to take tango lessons and travel to other parts of the world and whatever, right? Who is this person? Are they still there for me?

So it's important, it's on you when you're exercising your right to change to just be aware of the impact and to always remember your obligation in relationship to connect, to be relational. It doesn't mean you have to shapeshift to be there, but it does mean that you need to be aware of the impact that you have on others.

Okay, we've got some emergency vehicles passing. Someone is having an impact. Someone is being impacted in their lives. I hope that they are okay, wherever they are. So the next right that we have in relationships is...

And this you'll see these all actually go hand in hand with each other. Yeah, actually, it all kind of fits together. It's a good puzzle that all the pieces I think make sense. Maybe you don't. Is the right to be met with curiosity? Yes.

The right for your partner to want to know more about you, to not make assumptions about who you are, to show up with a question for you instead of a statement. Now, there's a practical reason for this, several practical reasons. The first of them is that when you

When you or your partner shows up with curiosity, it actually adds energy to your relationship. It keeps things alive to have questions. The statement, it's like if I just say something, like right now I'm going to tell you it's important to have curiosity in a relationship. Boom. Boom.

It may not be possible to go anywhere from that unless you decide you're going to argue with me about it or say, yeah, that sounds great. I like that. But if I say something like, is it important to you for me to be curious about you in our relationship? Do you see how the question creates movement? It keeps the journey going.

In improvisation, and we've talked about improv on the podcast a couple times, there's this whole exercise that's based on being a yes to whatever your improv partner throws your way. To be a yes. Now you can be a yes and, like, yes, that sounds great, and what if we, on our way to tango lessons, we stop to get a bite to eat at the local, I don't know,

rap shop burrito joint, right? So I didn't say no to your tango lessons. I said yes and. So that's an important reason for having curiosity be in your relationship. It creates movement and energy. Another reason is that if you are in the process of changing, that if your partner is able to meet you with curiosity, then that will help alleviate their fear about your change.

or their judgments about your change. And same for you, if you're able to meet your partner with curiosity. Curiosity is such a foundational element, I think, of healthy relating that it could be a podcast all its own, like so many of these things. But I think you get the point that you have the right in a healthy relationship to be met with curiosity and to do the meeting with curiosity.

Every right has its corresponding responsibility. So along those lines, you have another right in relationship. And that is that if you are met with curiosity or if you are showing up with curiosity, then you have the right to receive the truth as it impacts you or as it impacts your relationship.

Now, this gets into really interesting philosophical conversations about inner sovereignty and the right to privacy in your relationship. And that is maybe a conversation that's outside the scope of what we're talking about here. This question of, well, do you have the right to keep things private or does your partner? And

I think that where that right to privacy gets gray is around the ways that whatever it is that you're holding in secret, let's say, actually impact your partner, impact them, impact their choice to be with you. And this is an area that might be different based on the relationship that you're in.

So wherever you arrive at in terms of the level of openness and honesty that you and your partner want with each other, my request to you is that you end up there as part of a collaborative conversation, as part of being curious about what each other needs.

And not that you make assumptions about it. It's when you start making assumptions about those kinds of things that you can get into trouble. Now, along with having the right to the truth as it impacts your relationship, you also have a responsibility. And I guess this responsibility is a corresponding right as well. You have the right to have your truth received with openness, right?

With respect, with recognition that this is your experience. And likewise, you have the responsibility in receiving the truth from your partner to show up that way as well. This can be really hard if you are sharing truths that...

triggering or that touch on your trauma or that get at the insecurities that one of you experiences in your relationship or that undermine your safety. If those are the kinds of truths that you're sharing, it's really helpful to have a container, maybe even a third party like a relationship coach or a therapist to help you hold that in a way that stays positive, that stays open.

I'm not going to lie. Those are some of the most challenging conversations that you can have. And the rewards of having them are deepening intimacy, deepening closeness, deepening vulnerability. If you can do it in a way that doesn't take things personally, that replaces judgment with curiosity, right?

And where you find ways to respect each other, to assume that you're each trying to do your best, even if the things that are coming up are things that are hard, that you recognize that it's just about each of you doing your best. So if you can operate from that place, it's much easier to have the challenging, truthful conversations in ways that do build intimacy and connection.

So just to clarify, you have the right to receive honest answers to your questions, to your curiosity. You also have the right to have your truth welcomed respectfully and in the spirit of collaboration instead of conflict or animosity. And those are your corresponding responsibilities as well, right? That's part of the reciprocity that I was talking about earlier.

to show up that way, to show up with openness, with love, with what you offer, and with how you receive what is offered to you. Along those lines, let's talk about our next right. Our next right in relationship is the right to ask for love, to ask for your needs to be met in the ways that are most meaningful for you.

This gets into a whole conversation about your love languages and your need languages, I guess, and awareness of what your partners, how your partner wants to be loved and wants their needs to be met. This brings up questions around what if I want something that my partner can't give me or won't give me or doesn't want to give me?

Or vice versa, what if they want something that I don't want to give them? Well, now you're going to be in a conversation. And in relationship, I think generally it works out better if instead of those kinds of things living in secret, in silence, that they have the spotlight shined on them, shown on them. Anyway, you get the picture. That they're under, they're open for conversation, right?

And that you come up with collaborative solutions around how you're going to deal with those things, right? Is there something else that could work that you could say yes to or that your partner could say yes to? If not, do you change the boundaries of your relationship so that you don't live in silent resentment or quiet desperation, right? I don't want that for you. I don't want that for you. I also don't want that for your partner because it's living in those boundaries

Silent resentment is a recipe for a relationship that, if it does last, gets more and more distant, less and less loving and generous. Or those are the very kinds of things that often end up spiraling out of control to where you just decide, I can't take this anymore. So...

On its surface, you having the right to be loved the way you want to be loved and to have your needs met the way you want them met. Like, yeah, of course. Like, that's that's what relationships on some level are all about. Right. That's why we come together. Well, that and maybe the next thing that I'm going to talk about. And.

it comes with a great responsibility to hold your needs and your partner's needs with respect and to be willing to collaborate around them. So along those lines, we'll move on to the next right, which goes along with that, which is the right to receive pleasure. The right to receive pleasure from your partner, right?

And, yeah, I'm talking about masturbation. I'm talking about making choices that are within the boundaries of the relationship that you've created, but choices that are about you feeling good. So, yeah, I want you to be able to receive pleasure in all its forms in the ways that you want it. And I want you to be able to receive pleasure in all its forms in the ways that you want it.

You also have the right to be given avenues for giving pleasure to your partner. I think this is a place where it does feel really good to give as well as to receive, right? It's amazing to be able to give your partner something that lights them up, that makes them feel good.

And yeah, I'm talking about emotional pleasure and intellectual pleasure, but I'm also talking about physical pleasure, sexual pleasure, intimate pleasure.

And I've worked with couples where one partner is really shut down in that way and doesn't know, like they're perfectly happy to give pleasure to their partner, but they're not as willing to receive pleasure. And that actually can be a huge problem for the partner who wants to give, who doesn't necessarily want to feel like it's one-sided. They want to be able to give as well as to receive. So that's one.

That is definitely a right for you. And the responsibility that you both have is to talk about what feels good. And when things don't feel good, to talk about that too. So that you can always be shaping the ways that you give and receive pleasure to amplify it instead of making it problematic. While we're talking about love and needs and pleasure, I want to talk about the fact that

I just want to point out that I think you also have the right to be cherished in your relationship, to not just be seen and respected and accepted, but to also be deeply, deeply valued for who you are.

This is where so many of the things that we've been talking about today come in really handy because if you are being seen, accepted, respected, met with curiosity, if your honesty is being welcomed and asked for and received, etc., then you are setting up this positive feedback loop where your partner can love you more and more.

And it's also a disposition that we can take towards our partners to cherish them more and more, to always be looking for the things that we love about them, that we appreciate about them. And in the ways that often our partners' quirks initially attract us to them and then potentially repel us from them,

Can we come back around to appreciating those things in ways that endear them to us? It's a frame of mind to be willing to cherish your partner, to say yes to their bids and how they show up in the world. And I think it is your right in relationship to receive that and your responsibility to give it as well. Along those lines...

We have a few more rights and responsibilities to talk about. But before we do, I want to take a moment to fulfill my responsibility to talk about the amazing sponsors that we have for this week's episode, because I'm so grateful for them and their support of Relationship Alive and because each of them has a special offer for you.

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So let's get back to our relationship rights. I believe that you have the right to have your fears taken seriously, your opinions taken seriously, your desires taken seriously to be taken seriously. I suppose that this is an extension of being respected in your relationship, respected as a sovereign being, right?

who has your own perspective on life. Especially when it comes to fears, though, it's important that your fears be taken seriously. Now, that being said, it is your responsibility to also take your fears seriously and to be engaged in the process of assessing whether or not they're legitimate.

Or whether you are being held hostage by some trauma from your past or some condition that's making you more fearful. Or if there's something going on that's not about your partner, but that's about you, it's on you to take care of that.

And it can be really helpful for you to be honest with your partner about your part in things, your part in your own fears, so that they don't feel like the burden is on them. But likewise, if something is up for you and you're worried about the security of your living situation, the security of your relationship, etc., generally, it's

It's, those things aren't based on nothing. They're based on something. It could be the smallest grain of truth. You know, like, take something big. If, let's say, you're afraid constantly that your partner is having an affair. Well, I'm not saying that you have that fear because your partner is having an affair. In fact, odds are that they probably aren't having an affair. However, you could, your fear could

Yeah.

It's actually not about cheating at all. It's about something else entirely. Or when you dive deep down into that, whatever that fear is, you find like, oh, this is actually because, you know, classic example, one of my parents cheated on my other parent.

And I had to keep that a secret. And so not only was that a painful situation that I had to witness, but I have all this stored trauma because I wasn't able to talk to anyone about it and to be honest about it. And actually, that's not about you at all. It's about my fear about relationships, my fear about where relationships will ultimately lead. So...

Have your fears taken seriously and be curious about them. What is the deeper grain of truth? And I don't want either of you in your relationship to be held hostage by the other person's fears. And that's something to be really aware of because our tendency when we feel fearful is to want to control the circumstances so that our fears don't get realized. But the

But the irony is that the more that you try to control the circumstances or the more you try to control the other person, then the more likely it is that your fears will actually come true. Maybe not your exact fear, but some aspect of it. Because life doesn't like to be controlled. Life likes to grow and blossom and sometimes in unexpected ways. So how do you say yes to that? How do you meet it with curiosity?

And how do you share your fears in ways that aren't about putting your partner in shackles, right? How do you show up collaboratively? I guess you're probably getting the theme here around your fears as well as your desires, as well as your opinions, as well as your needs, as well as, right? All these things.

And I want them to be addressed. I don't want you to have to live with them being hidden. So to that end, I think that you also have the right in relationship to experience a collaborative environment. Let's just tackle this one head on.

Whenever conflict arises, whenever challenges arise, you have the right to be met not with an adversary, but with someone who is on your team and wants to come up with a solution that works for both of you. This is super important when it comes to living in a relationship for a long time that's going to keep thriving.

You have to be able to work together. You have to be able to respect each other and be on the same team. The collaboration doesn't happen if all these other things that I've mentioned aren't happening. It's really hard to collaborate if those things aren't happening. So you see how all of these things work with each other.

But at its core, the collaboration is so crucial. You could just say, like, you have a right in relationship to be a collaborator and to be collaborated with. And you could almost stop there, right? Because all of these things are prerequisites for that. But it's crucial. And that's why I'm naming it explicitly and naming all these things explicitly. So along those lines...

you have the right to, in the spirit of collaboration, to receive genuine, heartfelt apologies when things go wrong. You have the right to have your partner not just say, I'm sorry, but to actually make amends, to take actions that show that,

That it registers for them exactly what happened and how to make sure that it doesn't happen again. And to have your partner take responsibility for their actions, which is such a huge part of a successful apology, of successful amends making, is for them to admit their own agency, their own choices, right?

Their own decisions, even if it was just a genuine mistake to be for them to be willing to say, wow, I really I didn't think that through. And and I'm sorry, you know, and but that's on me that I didn't think that through. It's not on you. Right. How many times have you been in a situation where something went wrong and your partner apologizes, but then like.

After the apology, there comes the like, well, but this is why I did that. Or the defensiveness, the explanations, they undermine the effectiveness of the apology, right? If in the end, your partner is just going to blame you for what happened or blame the world, then how are you safe? How do you know that things won't happen again? You don't. So the responsibility here is,

is for you to also be willing to apologize and take responsibility, to recognize that in every single situation, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say every single situation. And this is challenging because it gets into that whole like don't blame the victim thing, right? I don't want to blame the victim.

I just want us to not be trapped in victimhood. So with any situation, just take a minute and look at it and figure out if there's something that you can also take responsibility for. If your partner, we're going to give you a yeah, but you did this or yeah, but the world, blah, blah. Can you head that off at the pass and also take responsibility for that?

This can be really challenging in situations where there's abuse going on. I'm just going to name that right here. Right. If there's like genuine abuse going on in your relationship, how are you responsible for that? Right. I'm going to just posit that you're just responsible for continuing to be there, but that doesn't make it OK, right?

What the other person has chosen to do, the ways that they've been abusive, it doesn't excuse their behavior. That's what's so interesting about this stuff is that we get we can often get trapped in this feeling that like somehow if I if I take responsibility that it it means that it's like less of a mistake that they made or that I'm saying it's OK what they did.

And that's not the point. The point isn't to make someone else's poor or horrible choices okay. It's really about reclaiming your agency. And I've witnessed this. I've experienced it to some degree. Thankfully, not to an extreme degree, but I've seen how challenging it can be to make the choice to leave a bad situation. And yet...

that choice does exist. The choice may come with lots of challenges, right? The challenges of your safety or knowing where you're going to live or making sure your kids are safe or the people you love, et cetera. Like if we're talking about a really extreme situation, it's not simple. And I just want to remind you, if you are going through something like that,

That at your core, you do have a choice and you do have resourcefulness and you can find people to help you because you don't have to do it on your own. That's true for the most extreme circumstances, as hard as it can be to see in those moments. And I'll just admit here that I haven't, there are moments I haven't experienced. So I'm only speaking from what I've experienced.

I hope you hear that my heartfelt desire for you is to simply find the place in you that feels like you are in charge of your life, wherever that is. I've gone off on a bit of a tangent here. So I'm going to bring us back around to apologies, amends, taking responsibility. You have the right to receive that from your partner, especially if they've fucked up bad. And you

You will help the situation if you find your part, if you also, or for things that are totally different, if you show up in that way. And I suppose the responsibility in an apology is to find whatever it is you need within you to find peace with whatever it is is being apologized for. It's on you to not live in resentment. It's on you to not hold a grudge forever.

And if you find that you can't do that, then that's something to be taken seriously. That might be a sign that the path forward isn't so clear or something about the relationship has to change. Let's consider this one of the many things that we've touched on in this episode that we could go on for an entire episode about. And we probably will. We're going to revisit a lot of these over the coming months. But I hope you get the point that when things go awry,

I want you to be in a situation where your partner takes responsibility for their part in it. And for your benefit, I want you to feel like you can take responsibility too. And if you're in an environment where you're being respected, that's possible. If you're in an environment where you are being judged or undermined, then it's really hard to take responsibility because you're going to already be feeling pretty low and

And your partner, by meeting you that way, is just going to make you feel lower. And that's going to make you less inclined to do it. And if the situation is reversed, it's going to make your partner less inclined to do it. Okay. Along those lines, you have the right to reveal yourself in the manner of your choosing or the manners of your choosing to not be forced into anything.

Perhaps a better way to put this is that you have the right to make boundaries in your relationship with others to decide what works for you. And the invitation here is for you to be really clear about the boundaries that you're making, to do it with intention and to recognize when a limit comes up for you, when you just have kind of reaction to something, to step back and think, oh, is there a boundary that I need to make here?

And then not only can you make it within yourself, but can you be clear with your partner about what the boundary is? And the responsibility here is that when you make boundaries, your boundaries have an impact on the people in your life. So how can you show up with kindness and understanding and compassion around the ways that your boundaries impact

create issues, right? Make the boundaries and recognize that boundaries have consequences. Sometimes they're good. Sometimes they're bad. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's challenging. And if it's challenging, then it's incumbent on us to show up for that challenge in a collaborative way. Perhaps a simple thing that I think I skipped over when it comes to making boundaries is

is to be able to... You have the right to take space when you need it. When you need space to process, to work on things, you have that right. And you have the right, which kind of goes hand in hand with that, to not be abandoned. To not be abandoned when you're taking space. And also to not have your partner take space in such a way as it abandons you. So you'll find...

If you've tuned into these conversations here on Relationship Alive, that, again, the best way to take space is to have it be a dialogue, to take space in ways that has defined boundaries so that it creates safety for everyone.

If you need space and you say, hey, I need to not talk about this for 24 hours or I need to not talk about it for a week or I just need to be alone for half an hour, then I can say great. But if you're like, I just need to be alone or I just can't talk about this and it's sort of an indefinite, then I have no idea if if.

I'm going to see you again if it's going to be addressed again, et cetera, et cetera. So the responsibility in the space taking is that we take space and recognize we're still in relationship. So we take space in a way that gives us our space and maintains the safety of the connection that we have with the other person. So along those lines, when decisions are made,

relationship, you have the right to be considered as much as you want to be considered when those decisions are being made. So if you're not being considered, then you have the responsibility to voice that you want to be considered, right? It may not happen automatically. If we're operating from a place of being an autonomous sovereign being in a relationship, then

We might feel like, well, I can make the decisions I need to make. Right. That's part of making boundaries, for instance. However, as we've talked about, a lot of these decisions do have impacts on the people around us. So if you are making decisions, then it's a responsibility to make.

consider your partner in the ways that they want to be considered. And if your partner's making decisions, you have the right to be considered as much as you want to be. Now, often relationships will agree on certain domains where the partners can make decisions without considering each other. That could be something as big as spending money. Like, you have your money, I have my money, we spend it however we want. It could be

what's going to be made for dinner. It could be vacations. Sometimes people agree like, okay, this is your domain. You can do whatever you want. Or this is our domain and within it, we can do whatever we want. Again, it's just important to have those conversations. And along those lines, if you're choosing to be in relationship, then I think you have the right to have a shared envisioning

of your life together, to be, to participate together in that conversation about what you want, what you each want, and where you're headed, or where you think you're headed, because, of course, those things change all the time. You have the right to be engaged in that.

conversation, to be asked what you want your life to be and to be doing the asking and to have that be something that you are both participating in. It's like the master level of collaboration. What are we even doing together? And where are we headed? And what do you want? And what do I want? And can we make that happen? Can we make that happen together?

So many of these other things become a lot easier the more you're collaborating, the more you are creating that shared vision, and the more it's something that you give attention to over time.

And as you change or as your partner changes, you meet those moments with curiosity, not with – and maybe the first thing that happens is you have fear. You're honest about your fear and then you meet the fear with curiosity. You see how all these things fit together, right? It's kind of a beautiful picture overall. Yeah.

And perhaps the final right that you have that I'm going to talk about today. And again, I invite you to think about what of what I've said do you agree with? What do you disagree with?

Are there additions that we should make here? I want to know. So just a reminder, my email address, neilius, N-E-I-L-I-U-S at neilsatin.com. Let me know. Make an addition. Make a subtraction to the an amendment to the Relationship Bill of Rights. I've lost track of how many we've had so far. I know it's more than 10. May not be much more than 10 at this point.

So the last right that you have that I'm going to talk about today is the right to be supported in the things that are important to you. So this takes things a step further. It's not just being accepted, not just being respected, etc., but to be actively supportive, to have your partner be.

Tune in to your goals, your desires, and to actively be involved in participating in the question of like, how can I show up to help you achieve what you want to achieve? How can I make your life easier for you? How can I help you have the things that you want? You have the right to be met that way and...

the responsibility to show up that way? How can you support your partner in the things that they most want, that they most desire for your relationship and for themselves? Do you know what's important to them? Do you know what they're moving towards? Do you know what would bring them the most joy? And how can you show up to help them have that in ways that

are supportive for you too. I'm not talking about sacrificing yourself so that your partner can have what they need. Now, there may be times in relationship where we do that. Hopefully, those are times that are collaborative, that are represented by conversations that you're actually having

So that you're making choices together and not assuming that, say, you're going to sacrifice now and they're going to sacrifice later, because that's an assumption that may not come true. So I invite you to be really intentional about this process. And sometimes you just know and you can just show up and you can just do the thing that makes your partner's life easier, that gives them a leg up, that...

If nothing else just shows them that you value who they are and what they want and you're behind them, you don't necessarily have to do anything other than just to say, hey, I love you and I love that this is important to you. And I just want you to know that I've got your back and you do what you need to do and just keep me posted. Right. Especially in the ways that it impacts me. But I support you in the things that are important to you.

Along those lines, I support you in the things that are important to you, which if you're here with me today, you probably think that relationships are important to you in some way. So I'm here to support you and help you out. I hope this conversation has been helpful, not only in...

identifying the things that are going well in your relational life or in your relationship with yourself, and also the things that you maybe want a little bit more of. And if those things become clear, let me know and we can focus future episodes on how to address those things specifically.

I want to thank you so much for being here, for being part of this conversation with me, for showing up with me here. And this stuff is so important. And I want us all to proceed with care and reverence for the grand experiment of how to do relationships better and better and how to look at the ways that we fall short

with openness, with generosity towards yourself and generosity towards the people who are in your life who maybe didn't do so well and to do our best to just evolve and grow and to be creating something better and better every day or enjoying what we have because it's awesome as it is or enjoying

If we really don't like what we have or we recognize that what we have ain't working, to find ways to change it respectfully, responsibly, but to take the action that you need to take. How we define success is really up to us, not to others. All right. Sending love to you today.

And I will be with you next time here on Relationship Alive. Take care.