Day 179: Discouragement, Distraction, Despair
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I'm Fr. Mark Mary with Franciscan Friars of the Renewal and this is the Rosary in a Year podcast where through prayer and meditation, the rosary brings us deeper into relationship with Jesus and to Mary and becomes a source of grace for the whole world. The Rosary in a Year is brought to you by Ascension. This is day 179. To download the prayer plan for Rosary in a Year, visit ascensionpress.com forward slash rosary in a year or text rosaryinayear.com.

R-I-Y to 33777. You'll get an outline of how we're going to pray each month and it's a great way to track your progress. The best place to listen to the podcast is in the Ascension app. There are special features built just for this podcast and also recordings of the full rosary with myself and other friars.

On behalf of myself and the whole team here at Ascension, we wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who's helped support this podcast financially. Your generosity is so appreciated and helps us to reach as many people as possible. And if you haven't already, please consider supporting us at ascensionpress.com/support. Today we are meditating upon and praying with the first Sorrowful Mystery, the agony of Jesus in the garden with help from a painting.

entitled The Arrest of Christ, Kiss of Judas by the artist Giotto. So our artist today is Giotto di Bondone. I don't know a lot of these names, so I'm looking them up how to say it, you know, and they're saying it in the accent. And so I feel a little ridiculous, but Giotto di Bondone is my closest I can get to it. And that's the name. Giotto is what I'm going to call him. So anyway, he's born in the year 1267. He died in the year 1337.

And he is known as the father of Renaissance art. Giotto was born near Florence and he rose from humble origins. Tradition claims that he was a shepherd boy discovered by another painting while he was sketching sheep on a rock. Giotto trained in Florence, revolutionizing medieval art by rejecting the rigid Byzantine style in favor of naturalism and emotional depth.

So our painting today was done in the year 1305 and it is a groundbreaking fresco from the Arena Chapel in Padua. This work marks a pivotal shift from medieval stylization to proto-Renaissance naturalism. Giotto's depiction of Judas' betrayal is celebrated for its emotional intensity and innovative composition. And now a description of our painting.

Sticks and torches protrude against a midnight blue sky carried by a restless crowd. At the center, a man in a draping yellow cloak, Judas, steps forward and envelops Christ. His arms and cloak surround Jesus as he leans in, his face nearly nose to nose with Christ. His lips are pursed, primed for a kiss. Christ meets his gaze with a solemn, penetrating look.

A gold halo encircles Christ's brown hair. Throngs crowd in towards the central embrace with tension and confrontation. Some faces are fully rendered while others recede into the agitated mob, visible only as the tops of heads. Soldiers, noblemen, and commoners alike. Peter, also marked by a golden halo, aggressively welds a knife. Brow furrowed in anger, he strikes the ear.

of a man whose arm is raised towards Christ. So as I'm looking at our painting here by Giotto, I gotta say, it kind of makes me uncomfortable. It does make me uncomfortable. So the discomfort from today, it's gonna be from looking at an uncomfortable truth about ourselves. And the truth is that, like personally, today looking at Judas in this painting here, pretty quickly I think to myself, where Judas is,

I could still end up. I could have done it. Thanks be to God, right? Thanks be to God, I'm not there and I don't have any plans of ending up anywhere close to there, but I could. I have what it takes. And to be fair, like, I think I want to back this with some authority. This isn't a novel sentiment before a sinner, right? The great Saint Augustine,

writing in the early fifth century. So this is an ancient text, right? In Sermon 204, he writes, "'Do not say, I would not have done what that man did. Say rather, if God had not helped me, I could have done worse.'" And this isn't specific to Judas, but just about a sinner. But I think this holds up. "'If God had not helped me, I could have done worse.'"

And now just maybe to pull from another like authority, another source, and it's something I've referenced here before, and hopefully I'm like doing it justice. But my understanding is someone who has been in recovery, right? And who's been working the steps. When they're at a meeting and they hear someone else share their story, like even if they never did what that person did or never went as far with their addiction as the other person did, they're not there listening, thinking to themselves, well, at least I never did that. They think to themselves, right?

Yeah, I get how you ended up there. It could have been me. I could have ended up there too. And I believe that there's something true and healthy about getting to this place. While yes, we do have to balance it. You see, when we look at the greatest of saints, right? We can't think of them as other than us. Like we have the same humanity. We have with grace, like what it takes. Also, when we look at the greatest of sinners, right?

We can't think of them as other than us either. We also have the same humanity and we have without grace what it takes. Now I'd like to do a little exploring of this and what might've happened in the life of Judas. Like, and how did he get here? Admittedly, it is a bit of speculation, but I do think some of these operating principles like will be true when they're applied to our own lives as kind of like a what to look out for.

In my working hypothesis, I could believe what happened to Judas was this. It was like a movement from discouragement to distraction to despair, starting with discouragement. I just have to think that when Judas was called and he started following Jesus, it was sincere. And he felt chosen and he felt seen and he felt loved by Jesus. He was fascinated by him. Jesus was giving him something that he was looking for, something that he needed.

Likewise, I do bet it felt good being part of Jesus's chosen group and the attention that they would get when they traveled. And we have every reason to believe that he experienced God's power at work in him as he was one of those sent out by Jesus two by two. But along the way, something happened and it can be as little as him not liking the person Jesus chose to send him out with when he sent him out two by two.

And this whole thing of like, hey, Jesus knew I didn't like this guy. I didn't get along with him, but still Jesus put me in this situation. This doubt that leads to discouragement of like, I don't think he actually cares about me at all. Or maybe he wasn't fitting in with the rest of the 12 or he didn't get the attention or he wasn't growing as fast or he wasn't as powerful as the others. I don't know the specifics. I don't know what it was, but something happened. Something happened that he couldn't deal with or push through and

And then he became disconnected and potentially disinterested from the person of Jesus, like who he was and what he was doing. There's nothing in it for me anymore. And so this gave way to distraction, right? Because he was there, but just wasn't open. He wasn't invested. And so he had to do something with his time and he chose distraction. Most likely he gave his time, attention, and energy to managing the money purse. John chapter two, it tells us that he was the keeper of the money bag.

And maybe that's what took his time and attention and became the lens through which he saw everything. Like we have attested to in John chapter 12, when Mary breaks the jar of expensive perfume to anoint the feet of Jesus. Like he doesn't see anything beautiful. He just sees a waste of money. Like he's distracted. And this became his reference. And I could just see this happening, that he's in a city where a bunch of healings happen and he's just not seeing it and he's not getting it. But instead he's thinking, this is awesome.

I bet these people are going to be extra generous tonight. Or perhaps he's thinking, oh, we're going to eat extra well tonight because that was a nobleman's daughter who Jesus just healed. And of course, just hours before his kiss and betrayal in the garden, he was at the last supper. But surely his mind was elsewhere, thinking about what he was about to do and the money that he'd receive. He was disconnected from Jesus. He was disconnected from himself. And he was like fully distracted.

And what I'm spending time here is this, is we have to be aware of this happening. Like it's possible for us to get discouraged with Jesus for what he's doing or not doing in our lives. Or do you get discouraged with ourselves? Or simply just to know what Jesus wants from us and to just say, no, like I'm not going to do it. I don't agree. And I don't want to do it, but we'll stick around. You know, maybe we'll go to mass. We'll still call ourselves Catholic. We might say our prayers, but we're just not connected.

We're not expecting anything from Jesus and we're not willing to give anything to Jesus. We're not trying to grow, be sanctified or healed. We're disappointed, disconnected, discouraged, distracted. We're going to give our time and attention to other things. And we can live our whole lives like this, being around Jesus, but having no relationship with him. And of course, Judas's story ultimately ends with despair as he regrets what he did.

He returned the money. But in part, like what happened here was a door opening because he actually came to his senses for a moment. He was no longer just distracted. He was able for a moment to actually look at himself and what he had done and who he had become and how far he had fallen. But he put a period there. He never allowed his eyes to return to Jesus who could make him new, who could restore him, who could lift him up.

even here, even now. And he despaired. And he who betrayed his intimate friend betrayed his very self. My prayer is that our reflection today for both of us, you and me, it is like a field of unsettling, a field of discomfort surrounded by, like enclosed in a fence of hope. It's good for us to see ourselves as we are and to be reminded of what we are capable of.

And I think it's helpful to do a little examine to see the ways in which we are discouraged with the Lord and our walk with him or the ways we're disconnected and distracted. But like we go to these places with the Lord, with Jesus, knowing that he can heal us and he can restore us, that we can always begin again. And he loves, he loves when we begin again and that there is no depth to which we have fallen or no darkness in which we could be enclosed.

that Jesus won't come to, to seek us out, to bring us home, and to make us new. So we end today not focusing on the crimes of Judas, nor the sins of our own doing, but the mercy of Jesus. Jesus, protect us. Jesus, lead us not into temptation. Jesus, restore us. Jesus, we love you, and we trust in you. Now with Mary, let us pray. In the name of the Father, and of the Son,

and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. All right, friends, thanks so much for joining me and praying with me today. I look forward to continuing this journey with you again tomorrow. Poco a poco, friends. All right, God bless y'all.