I Almost Died | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 199
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This week on Two Bears, One Cave. I cried so aggressively. You did? It's not cool. My tits look perfect. I trimmed up my chest hairs and I get turned on by myself. I did his name out, but he goes, Hey, everyone will know who that is, bro. No, they won't. 100%. Excuse me.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. It's a good thing.

Welcome to the hardest-hitting news show on the internet. We're going to go over some real hard-hitting stories today, some things going on in the Middle East.

New laws changing in China. Of course, the situation in the Ukraine continues to develop. With me, as always, is... My name's Joe List. Okay. Hi, Joe. What's up, Mark? How you doing? Hey, it's good. Comedy. What's up there, Jew face? Um...

We want to start this episode by saying very clearly, me and Joe List are fucking friends, okay?

I want, I just, I've talked to Joe a couple times. I want everyone to know, Joe and I are friends. That's what friends do. Friends can berate people irrationally. Yep. And get drunk and say wild, crazy shit. Tom and I are friends. Yep. Tom and I had a conversation today that was uncomfortable, but needed, and we learned. We learned. We learned. We learned. I'll tell you what I learned. What? I am really bad at replying to people. Okay.

But no, but I'll be very real right now. This is uncomfortably real. We had an issue that was bothering both of us. And what happens, we weren't talking about it. And we were texting and going back and forth. And then if we did call, it was at a bad time, like I was on an airplane or he was in his Porsche, you know, whatever.

And I said to him, I said, let's come in 30 minutes early and have a conversation. We walked in and it was uncomfortable. It was really uncomfortable. And by the way, we've done that twice recently. And I'm telling you what I say, I feel so much better about our friendship because of those. And if you don't do those, then you get fucking stuck in a hole of your own imaginary thoughts. Can I tell you something? Please. I didn't do those for 42 years.

For real? Yeah, I really didn't. I'm so happy to have conversations, honestly, to have conversations like that. And you do have this thing where, it's so funny to relate it to this for me, but it'll make sense to you. I think conversations like that are like cold plunging in that they're...

They're worse in your head than they are in, like when you do them, you feel so much better. But in your head, you're like, man, I don't want to fucking do this. Like you always like people avoid conversations like that. I don't believe that anybody is instinctively good at that in life. I believe it's a matter of practice. I believe it's a matter of either you were doing it when you were young because you were led well to do it.

or you avoid them in which case it's so much harder because you you avoid them and you get in the practice of avoiding them and if you get in the practice of avoiding those conversations it's really hard to switch things but i've been practicing them doing them more and more for the last couple years and i think all my relationships are better because of it you know i i sat last night and i said uh

I said, I don't want to speak out of emotion because emotion is the thing. So the facts are the thing that fuck with your emotion. And all of a sudden your emotion gets out of control and it starts changing the facts on you. It starts making, like you were saying it to me, I'll share it. And then if you don't want to put it in, he goes, you go, uh,

I, when you don't return my calls, I start create, what did you say? I create narratives. I create stories in my head. I, you're not the first person that I've done this to. I think when you don't see a person, in other words, you're not talking to them regularly. You, you know them, but you're not communicating. You have something you want to talk about. You don't, you don't talk about it. You avoid it or it just doesn't happen. You're not even on the phone talking. Your brain, your,

everyone's brain creates like a story of what is happening and the more that that that that length of time goes where you don't communicate the stories just grow like your brains just do this yeah they and they form stories and and usually what it leads to is you getting more emotional you creating like your own internal drama about it and then i told you every time i see you

And especially if we need to talk and we talk, I always feel so much better. And I remind myself that I like you. Yeah. That you don't want to throw my head through a wall. I didn't say that. Quote unquote, throw my head. I did not say that. Or a dresser. What did you say? Oh, you said it about Christina. You wanted to throw, when you first, you loved her so much, you wanted to throw her head through a dresser. That is something I said back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But.

I said that I also go to very violent places and thoughts in my head. I do not know how you have a career. What do you mean? The idea, when you think those things, those violent thoughts, I just go, okay, where's the fun Tom at? How do you write a joke? I want to fucking cut her eyeballs out. You haven't seen my new stuff. Yeah.

I know you're really good at having those conversations. I am not. I avoid it. I don't like confrontation. I want to say this. I don't enjoy confrontation either. What I do, what I do think the difference is for me now is, is just seeing the necessity to have those, you know, to, and to go like, if you're bothered by something, if something's making you uncomfortable, like I said, dude, I didn't do this for like my whole life. But what I realized is that you get like, when I called you,

like a week ago or whatever, I was like, I just got to talk to you. I like knowing what people, what make people uncomfortable because I don't realize I'm a bull in a China shop. And so Leanne says, I cast a large wake. And so I've lost friendships because I don't know what I'm saying. I say wild shit. I fucking, I, uh, I,

I don't see other people. I don't, I just start, I just don't. It's a crazy description of oneself. Yeah. I'm just like, I'm like, huh? I didn't, I didn't know you were getting upset by this. And then all of a sudden, by the time that happens and I'm taught, I can talk specifically about a couple of people. By the time that happens, they're so fucking angry at me that they'll never forgive me. And I don't even know that I've done something wrong. And I'm, and I'm like, fuck.

And then even when I try to fix it, I make it way fucking worse. And so I, I'm, and then, and then God forbid I get emotion about it. If I get emotion about it, it's because my feelings got hurt. And if my feelings got hurt, I turned into a fucking pussy stamping cunt. And I, and I'm, and I ended that I'm not proud of. I don't like the way I behave in those things. And so I like that you, I like that we are,

let's come in 30 minutes early and talk. Yeah. And I just was like, and trust me, I burned it to the ground. I was like nine times. I was like, I guess Tom doesn't want me in Two Bears anymore. I guess Tom wants to do Two Bears with some Daniel Riccardo. Old Danny Riccardi coming out to Austin to live with his best. Oh, maybe Brad Pitt and him want to do Two Bears. Maybe. I was like, that's what he's doing. He's trying to sniff me out so him and Brad Pitt can do Two Bears. I haven't talked to Brad in weeks.

Hold on, Bradley Cooper's calling. But no, but that's so important. So I just want to say to everyone, Joe List and I have talked many times, many times since. We're going to do a podcast, and we will hash out my behavior. My behavior, as represented by Ari Shaffir in that past episode, I suggest you go and watch it. It's pretty fucking funny. It's pretty fucking funny. It's pretty funny. It's also funny even a second time to I saw a part of it with you, and you were like, no, no, that didn't happen. Then you're like, yeah.

It didn't happen. Okay, I'll tell you what didn't happen. I didn't eat pizza. Okay, that's one of the things that bothered me. Because we had sushi while we went there, okay? There's a lot of this story they don't know that would fill in the blanks. Joe DeRosa and I got blackout drunk and ate awesome sushi and then got Thai food from everyone else because we felt like we were taking too long.

But look, what I do is I firehose people with me. That's a really good way to describe yourself. Dude, I firehose the internet. Oh, I feel like I should stop talking. I feel like I need a month. I can't, you know, I'm losing my voice just because I talk too much. I talk way too fucking much. No way. I know. I wish I was like you and had nothing to say.

Yeah, that's true. I feel like I have an Asian face. These glasses keep falling off. An agent face? Asian? Don't Google it, people. Don't Google it. No, but Joe List and I are cool.

We should call him. But everyone support him. He's got an hour on YouTube that's fucking awesome. He's a brilliant comic, and he's the sweetest guy. The only hookups me and Joe have is we don't like similar foods, and I drink, and he's sober.

And my baseball swing's way better than his. I plant my back foot. He does not. He doesn't want to hear my advice. But if you look at my swing versus his swing, and you can pull him up. I mean, there's no contest. Wade Boggs said I have one of the most beautiful swings he's ever seen. That man knows baseball. He sure does. Yeah, I hit a home run. I hit a home run at my fucking high school at 50 years old. Can you imagine that? Yeah, it's pretty nice. I just went out in front of a bunch of children, hit a dinger, went yard. Yeah.

But that's the thing about like, even like now I'm busting balls with Joe List and people may take that as like a serious thing. Yeah. It's just you having fun. It's just us fucking around. It's what comics do. Mark Norman's a cunt. Now that guy. Yeah. You don't even know. You'll find out though. Okay. Cool. Is your tan real? Thanks for noticing, Tom. No, I spray tanned. And I will tell you that it is now a part of my regimen. It is part of my regimen.

Have you ever spray tanned? No. Let me pitch it to you. Okay. Everyone looks great when they come back off a vacation, right? Yeah. Everyone's like, ooh, where were you? I have a little color still. Yeah. You look great. You come back and everyone's like, whoa, you look rested. Yeah. And the problem with that is skin cancer. And...

You gotta spend, no one wants to spend time just laying in the sun cooking. I'd rather get shit done, right? So we're getting ready to go to JFL. Leanne's gotta wear a strapless bra. We had to go accept Comedian of the Year. It's not a big deal. Sorry, sorry? I accepted Comedian of the Year. It's a award they give to the best comedian of the year. And I had a pretty great year. So...

It's not a big deal. It's like they only give one out and it's like Kevin Hart won it, John Mulaney, Bart Kreischer, whatever. Yeah, yeah. So you're a comedian of the year. Congratulations on that. Thank you very much. My speech was more than embarrassing. Why?

Everyone else because they give a bunch of awards and everyone accepts the awards and everyone fucking murdered like they go up with a set list Yeah and just destroying rose people in the room and fucking kill Ronnie Chang just fucking destroyed and may Martin killed and and then and then I went up and I started to talk and I started crying and I couldn't control it and I heard a girl in the back go. Oh No

And I cried so aggressively. You did? You can find video of it. It's not cool. We have to get that. I said, I was like, I was like, oh, hold on. Please look for it. Hold on. You're about to get the best. All the people that make memes that I love, that I love are meme makers. I want to give you a gift. I want to give you a gift.

Nadav, you'll see the picture when you find it. Type in Bert Kreischer first pitch. Tom, I have this printed in my man cave. It is the worst picture that's ever been taken. Just images, images, go to images, go to images.

Far left, far left, far left. Look at my fucking stomach. Look at my Ninja Turtle stomach. With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When Mint Mobile says $15 a month,

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insane shirt goes viral it went viral and you missed it and i was so grateful i was so fucking grateful when was when did this who fucking knows you don't know when that went viral i was i was doing the wait it's on msn it's saying that this photo went viral everything about it went viral wait hit it what are we doing no just no let's go back to the other story insane shirtless first pitch goes viral okay let's it's

My stomach, it's because my fucking stomach looks absolutely fucking disgusting. That's so crazy. Saturday's matchup between Cleveland, Seattle featured one of the most unique and strange first pitches in recent memory. Comedian Bird Crush was asked to throw out the first pitch. He did so.

uh early season games can be quite cold sunday's game was no exception temperatures around the mid 40s this didn't stop chrysler from shockingly taking his shirt off to throw out the first pitch which is one of the bits he typically does during his comedy shows video of the pitch emerged on social media which captures the crowd going wild once chrysler took off the guardians jersey to throw the pitch the pitch itself was pretty awful hitting the dirt well ahead of reaching the catcher behind the plate regardless

Crackshot certainly made an impression on the MLB world. Many offered their opinion on Crackshot's moment on social media. Unfortunately, this moment, blah, blah, blah. Is there any more about that? You can see the video. It's just, it's horrible. But that picture, that picture is the worst of it. That picture of my body's fat catching up to my body.

It is so bad. Your stomach does look crazy right there. I mean, it doesn't look real. It doesn't. It doesn't look real. And you look so happy. I don't know what's, I don't know there's sharks underneath me. I'm the one guy going, in the ocean, great. Yeah. It's the most embarrassing. I saw it, my Georgia saw it.

And was like, oh, oh, no, I just thought she goes, oh, buddy. I go, what? She goes, you're not going to like the way you look. She goes, baby walrus is happy, but baby walrus is all over the place. And it's fucking the most embarrassing. How long ago was this? I don't know. Who knows? I mean, a year? No, no, no. Fucking recent. Oh, OK. Yeah, it was in it was in April. OK, OK. It was before it was after I did my special. So April, May.

So, this is why I'm pitching spray tans. Okay? Okay. So... So you're going to... All you said was you're going to do this and that Leanne was like, I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt or something, right? And if anyone can find the crying video of me accepting that fucking award. Find that. JFL, Burt Kreischer, Committee of the Year acceptance. I go up. What happened, Neil Brennan gave me the award and he...

He was very funny, but at the end he was very touching. He said things that made me feel really good about myself, which isn't that hard. And so I started crying. I told Mae Martin, I go, I bet I cry. I'm going through a thing. And she was like, you'll be fine, you'll be fine. And so I started crying when he gave the speech. And as I'm crying giving the speech,

I get up on stage and I grab the award and it was heavy. It was like a real award. And then I realized I thought about, and I didn't, I don't know if I said that, I didn't say this, but I thought about all the times in Montreal that I was absolutely nobody. And then the times I thought I was somebody, but found out I was nobody. Like, and one of them is I, I shared it with someone afterwards. Do you remember the Montreal where you must, something was going on with you and you had like crossroads,

crazy heat and you changed agents at Montreal. - Yeah. - And you were the buzz, the talk. And I was your friend and I was listening to your thoughts

knowing that it was happening for you, hyper aware it wasn't happening for me, but celebrating you. So one good thing that we've had as a friendship is we've been able to celebrate each other's successes without them reflecting on us. But you still leave Montreal going, I got to do something with me. I got to do something. I got to make something happen, man. I'm fucking 45, 44 at the time and nothing's happening for me. I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm not doing standup. I'm not doing specials. And then,

to go and get to a place where you go to Montreal and you're the belle of the ball and everyone's just saying congratulations on everything and every young comic knows who you are. All the old comics know who you are. And it was just like all that built into me sobbing, crying, not making any fucking sense. Oh my God. Not making, just like this, Tom. And this.

me it means me it was so fucking bad and did you see the um uh you know the roast is done every year at jfl no what did they why you didn't know that no you don't know that they do that every year no uh the the state of the industry we're like yeah and uh uh you didn't see it no or hear about it i didn't hear any of it this year it was um jessica kershaw jessica kershaw yeah and she's

What did she say? She did jokes about... Well, she does jokes about everything. But she had a bit about you. Oh, great. No, it's... Look, if you're doing... That fucking... Was it good? If you're doing well...

then that's when you get. Yeah, that's when you get lit up. I mean, she has a bunch, you know. I mean, the whole thing, for people that don't know, it's like the state of the industry where a comedian goes and basically shits on and makes jokes about everything that's big in comedy. Whatever's succeeding in comedy. Yeah. Oh, Matt Rife must have gotten destroyed. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is what you want.

You definitely want to be the person they're talking about on that because that means you're doing something good. But at the same time, you can be that person. And some of them are accurate. Some of them are like, I remember watching ones when like, uh, like where you're like, you're like, yeah,

Oh, fucking. I like Jessica a lot. So this is one of the things. I mean, these also live online, so you can watch the whole thing. Oh, cool. Yeah. I was never on Bert's Fully Loaded Tour, but I have been on cocaine in a Walmart buying beach chairs, so I get it. Also, Bert takes off his shirt to cover his phone to not see all his missed calls from his family. You got him.

That's fucking great. Who sent those to you? Everybody from up there. Oh, for real? Yeah. No one told... I was in the room below her. We went to one of the best fucking restaurants, Joe Beef's in Montreal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Man. All right, back to spray tans. Okay. Spray tans. Spray tans. Spray tans. So Leanne's going to wear a strapless dress to go there. Leanne looked fucking... Hang on. Leanne looked fucking...

Go to Leanne's. Go to my Instagram. You'll see a picture of me and Leanne at Montreal, I'm sure. Leanne's will definitely have it. And so Leanne gets spray tan, and immediately she turns into a different... There, look at how fucking good Leanne looks, Tom, with the spray tan. Yeah, she looks great. Can you zoom in on her tits? Look, she wore this fucking... Look at me. I look like I'm trying to buy a young lady on a fucking yacht. Yeah.

So Leanne looked fucking amazing. Immediately we have sex the next night, 'cause you gotta sleep with clothes on and everything once you get spray tanned. And it was like fucking a brand new person. It's like getting to fuck someone you haven't fucked.

I was like, I'm banging a Puerto Rican. This is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. But she talks with a redneck accent, which is odd. But that dress on Leanne looks so fucking hot. She had a little center where you could see her cleavage and her tits. Oh my God. But so I get spray tanned. Go to my Instagram and I'll show you my spray tan, how good it looks.

And immediately what it does, Tom, is it hides all your little flaws that you see immediately when you take your shirt off. It hides all your little flaws. Scroll down. Scroll down. That's my spray tan. Yeah. That's me spray tan. Click that. How good do I fucking look spray tan?

I'm dark as fucking shit. And with that outfit, all of a sudden, all the golds pop on you. Yeah. Like, look at, yeah, that's for the Top Soft World Tour. You can get tickets for it right now at burpburpburp.com. And so you go in. I don't know if my tan's still there because it only lasts like a couple weeks. Yeah. See if you can see my tan line. No, you have it. Yeah. It's still very much. This is the aggressive one. Look at that. Really nice. And so. Thank you.

But you go in with, Leanne did it naked. Fully naked? Fully naked. Girl comes in and just spray tans you and then touches you up. What did you wear? I wore a thong.

I wear a thong and then you put all the- - Do you pick your shade, how dark you wanna go? - Yeah, yeah. - Were you tempted to go pretty dark? - I said, "Pull me over for no reason at all. "That's how dark I want." She's like, 'cause Leanne goes, "I don't wanna go too dark." I go, "I wanna go dark. "I'm going darker next time. "I'm gonna go as dark as I can "and then work it backwards from there." I'm doing it again when I get home. Spray tans are awesome.

So then you get spray tanned, you put on all these clothes, you go to bed, you wake up the next morning, you take a shower and you rinse it off and then you get out of the shower and I looked fucking horrible.

Your arms look bigger, more defined. That's why bodybuilders use it. My shoulders were popping. Like my traps would pop. My tits look perfect. I trimmed up my chest hairs to make me more defined. Yeah, you've done that to me too. Yeah, it's awesome. And then you get naked and I was like, I would see my tan lines and I get turned on by myself. And dude, getting Leanne naked, all of a sudden, her whole body is tan. Her whole fucking body. Should we do butthole too? Note.

- No, no, but it was crazy because little things I'd never do much, like I started doing, we were having sex one time, we were having sex like crazy, I told you that. - You did. - We ended this thing where she decided to start dating me again and it has been often twice a day. - What do you mean she's dating you again? - She started dating me. She said at one point, she said, "Now that the girls can both drive, I can start drinking." I was like,

Were we not supposed to be drinking? She's like, well, you know, something happened to him. They couldn't drive. We need to take him to the hospital. I was like, oh, is that how that worked? Yeah. And so, but she started having cocktails and she got a spray tan and like, and like we're having sex spray tanned. And then I'm like, oh, I want to do it from doggy style. Yeah. See your ass tan. Like I've always seen this white ass that's never seen the sun. Yeah. I want to see it tan. And it's seamless tan all the way up to her neck. I'm like,

Oh my God. It is the sexiest. It's like getting to have sex with a new person. A Dominican person. Yeah. And then all of a sudden the tan goes away and you get the same old chick and then I'm getting tanned again. And Leigh-Anne's like, I'll never do it again. I go, I'm doing it every fucking two weeks. She doesn't want to do it again? She only did it for this event. And you know what it did? What it does kind of crazy is it pulls out, it highlights all your skin damage, all your sun damage.

- The spray tan does? - It does. So like if you have sun damage-- - Sun spots or something. - Sun spots, it really makes them brown as fuck. And so it did that on Leigh-Anne's feet. She didn't like her feet or her stomach right here. She got burned as a kid and it kind of bothered her. - But you were like, this is-- - I fucking looked so fucking hot. It looked so hot and I looked fucking beautiful.

yeah yeah no i i hear it i mean it i'm telling you right now we should definitely get spray tan together they do your whole fucking head you want to do hair laser removal from where like assholes and back or something yeah i would do it i would i don't need hair on my asshole hair my asshole don't you want to have it lasered off i would i'd laser i don't know if that would hurt so bad no it doesn't hurt that bad i would i would get i don't want it on my taint or my asshole yeah let's get it lasered off

I don't want it in my underarms either. You can get that lasered off too. I think I've broken my underarm hair and they smell forever now. You know that's a thing. What is a thing? Underarm hair can get a fungus on it. When you smell like bad, you can't get rid of it. That hair smells bad forever. Really? Yeah, and you guys shave it off. I've never heard of this. Google it. Okay, smell bad forever. Jesus. Look at that search. Meat bacteria. Look at his search.

Fungus that makes armpits smell bad, smell bad forever. Smell bad forever. So it gets onto your armpit smell. Why do armpits smell, permanently smell? Go. It's the hair. It's the hair. Hit the first drop down. Sounds like bromhidrodrosis, where bacteria and sweat glands are responsible for causing the bad odor. There are two types of...

Bromhidrosis. Apocrine? What? Jesus Christ. Found mostly in the underarms, breasts, and groin. Or another one found all over the entire body. Okay. Why do my pits always smell?

There we go. A bacteria infection of underarm hair follicles. Wow, so that's a real thing. Yeah, John Manns told me about it. You can get a funk on your hair and the hair gets thick almost. So no matter, even if you put deodorant on? It's just the hair, the smell's there. It's waiting to show up. Wow. So you gotta shave the hair off and get brand new fucking hair. Have you ever had it where you've looked at your- Get brand new hair. Have you ever seen the hair right here, right? Like on the side of your balls? Uh-huh. And it's got like a, it looks almost like it's got-

It's thicker than normal. Okay. It's a little more fragile. It's a little more... Different texture to it. Different texture to it. That's the hair that smells. That's why your balls smell all the time. So you got to shave them to get that smell off. Or steam them. You can steam your pussy. Type in steaming pussy. Type in steaming pussy. I think a different image is going to come up. I hope so. Steaming pussy. Steaming pussy. Vaginal steaming. There we go. What can I use to steam a vagina? Vagina.

Dude, chicks put a boiling water and then they steam their vagina and it burns off like a bad pussy smell. Here's what you do is like if you have a stinky old pussy, you get a bowl of boiling hot water and you just sit in it. Oh my God. And then it'll cure that right up. Princess Anne did that. What? Princess Anne. Type in Princess Anne steaming pussy burn. Princess Anne, huh? Yeah, isn't that the one that was Margaret's sister?

Who? No. Maybe it was Princess. I don't know what her name was. Princess. Vagina. Oh, so there's burn. Oh, look at that. Gynecologists are saying that vaginal steaming is nonsense. Oh, for real? Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow told me about it. Personally? No, I think she's hot. Gwyneth Paltrow? She could use a spray tan. She's very fair-skinned. Is Christina fair-skinned or tanned? No, she's fair, but she...

she can get a tan. You know what I mean? Like I have to go in, I go in the sun. I'm doing it every day with SPF 50 on. And then I do that every day for like 10 days. I start to get like,

Like where it looks like a tan. If I don't do that, I just turn red. I just burn. Really? Yeah. Wait, that's crazy. Because you got... I got a lot of Irish DNA, though. Really? Yeah. So when you were at the beach, you just put on... Like 50 or 70, yeah. Every day? Every day, yeah. Fuck, what about your kids? Do they burn tan? They get...

Julian is just like me. He has fairer skin than Ellis. So yeah, lather him up for sure. If I was... If I had... I have little girls. But if I had...

I have little girls. I would get them spray tan instead of having them go out in the sun. Yeah, yeah. No, we put on the SPF like religious. I've been horribly burned, and I know how fair I am, so I always try to go real crazy. I don't get burned. I mean, I'll get burned, and it'll show up, but I don't burn. Like, I get pretty dark, but I know I'm going to get skin cancer because I just stayed in the sun in Florida all year with no sunscreen and a Speedo. I have horrific sunburn memories. Wow.

Oh my God. I remember my lip burns bad. Do you remember, did I ever send you the picture of when I sunburnt my lip in Hawaii with Georgia? Yeah, I do actually remember that. And it was swollen like this and I couldn't. So if you're going to go out in Hawaii, you don't put SPF on at all? I'll put sunscreen on.

Head? On your head? No, I wear a hat. I just wear a hat. But your face? Yeah, later. I'll put sunscreen on if I'm going out. On the water? What I usually do is go out for like an hour and then I'll go, I need sunscreen. By the way, have you seen the footage of Rick Rubin surfing? No. No?

Rick Rubin can do 100 push-ups in a row. Rick Rubin can? Yeah. I saw a thing of him surfing, and I was like, yo. Matt McCusker has a new hour. Keep going. He does. Yeah, he does. Speed of Light. It's on YouTube. Hit that one. Hit that first one. He's doing some funny stuff, but check him out. Check him out. Hold on. Look at him. He's goofing around, right? Yeah. But he's like, I don't know. I just was surprised to see Rick. He's tearing it up. He's doing like...

standing on one leg doing fun like that's not your first time right like he's moved he's switching positions on there i mean it's not that he looks like a pro but i'm just like impressed rob machado hit me up about going surfing at a wave pool i think in texas there's one in waco yeah he was like yeah you want to go surfing are you texted the right fucking guy yeah he's like let me know when you're gonna go you know rob machado is oh google rob machado so i'm gonna i may i may be getting this incorrect

Rob Machado is a part of, there's a whole group that all showed up in Hawaii at the same time. I want to go to that Waco place. Okay, let's make it. Rob Machado, it's me and Tom, we're going. So I'm going to, and I apologize, Rob, if I fucked this up. So there's a whole group, Kelly Slater's age, that all showed up in Hawaii at the same time. I think the Irons Brothers were a part of them. But like Rob Machado. 25 years ago kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. Type in Kelly Slater's friends or posse, gang, something like that.

But they all took different paths. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. The Pipeline Posse, Project Four. It's funny, they all have like a class. Keep going. And so there's a documentary on it. Good. There we go. Let's keep going. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Oh, never mind. So there's a bunch of them. And so Rob Machado was the first person to become what? There he goes, Momentum Generation. It's the Momentum Generation.

So Kalani, Rob... These guys are all buddies? They're all buddies. And Robichado's the one right in the center. And so they all kind of took different directions. With the hair. Yeah, yeah. Gorgeous fucking hair. These dudes are all badass surfers. Yeah, and they're all like... They all grew up... They all came out to Hawaii at the same time and kind of became best friends. And they're all badass surfers. But...

But Rob Machado was one of them and and if I'm not mistaken Rob Machado was the first person to start saying I don't care about professional surfing I'm gonna go out and just start filming it and making DVDs and put it out there and just do badass shit and just People buy that and so he wants to go surfing and so I'm fucking in and me and you were going surfing with Rob Waco, Texas fucking Waco, Texas Waco, Texas. Is that where it is? Mm-hmm Oh fuck. We're gonna chip in Joanna to hang out with us hit the

The Waco surf, you know, whatever it is. Shane Dorian. Oh, Shane. You know, Shane Dorian is right. Yeah. Shane Dorian's sons about it. Shane Dorian is a big hunter too. He's friends with Rogan. Yeah. I met, I met Shane. Really? Yeah. I flew with him. We went to Vegas together and we, um, yeah, that's the place there.

Is that the wave pool in Waco? Yeah, that's the wave pool in Waco. Shut the fuck up. It's like automatic waves just coming. Let's rent it out for the fucking day. You can do that. Bring your boys. Yeah. Let's fucking go. I'm going to, oh, well, never mind. Waco, you'll get Chip and Joanna out there. Are you friends with them? No, but they got to know who we are.

There's no way Chip Gaines doesn't know who the fuck we are. I missed, I had such a good time surfing. I would love to do that again. I'd love to do it somewhere like this. It would be fun as fuck. Yeah. Where did you go surfing? In Oahu.

Just on vacation? Yeah. I love the ocean. I love the ocean. I love the ocean. I do. The ocean, I'll say this. There is no substitute. Lakes are cool. Rivers are cool. All bodies of water, there's a really cool thing about being in water, but there's nothing like the ocean. You're right. It's like I look at those...

This guy tried to swim. I saw this on Instagram the other day. This guy was like doing a record-breaking attempt of a swim across a lake. It was like 10, 20 miles or something. And I was like, boo. I was like, no predators. Fuck off. Bro, can I tell you something, though? Yeah. Even in this stretch that I was swimming in. What do you mean? Were you swimming in open water? Every day. Hang on. Hang on. Start this all over. Walk me through these swims.

Because open water swims are legit, especially out in that water where you don't have control. And at least on three separate days, I was like, I'm definitely about to die. So hold on. You're starting the story way too into the middle of it. So I would go walk on the beach. And what I ended up doing was...

This first time I'm looking at the, so the, this, the waves break differently. If you don't, you know, they don't all break the same, even in, even in the same stretch of beach, the way that the, the, the sea floor, it like goes the way that the, you know, the tides obviously change every day. Wind is a factor. So there's windier days. So there's this stretch that I would walk on the beach every,

And as I'm walking it one day, I was like, I really want to go get in the water. But it's, the waves are coming in and they're crashing pretty hard. Yeah. And, um, and I see that there's nobody swimming. And there's, and there, and, and I will tell you the number one mistake made is underestimating the power of the ocean, especially in the Pacific. It's humbling. Um, so, well, I should say this one day I get in the water and I, um,

I just kind of get in, swim around a little bit, and get out. It's something that I did in Greece when I was on tour in Europe. That's so funny. I did too. It was so amazing. It was so fucking awesome. And the water was cold as fuck. Freezing. And so it was like this thing where, you know, I remember I was with Kirk Fox and with Sean. Sean's so funny because he's such a tough guy.

fit guy but one thing everyone has their thing he hates cold cold anything hates cold weather yeah yeah he likes it he likes it 110 so he was like this water's gonna kill me he would get out and I would stay there we just swim around with Kirk and then it'd be like now let's now let's start our day right doesn't like you feel so good best way to start your day so remember I did that

I took a boogie board and I went out there, rode a wave in, and then I put Ellis on one and we rode one in. And he was like, that was fucking awesome because it like threw him. Yeah. And then I tried to get Julian on and a wave smacked us and it spooked him. He got freaked out. Yeah. So I was like, all right, we're done with that. Next day, I'm walking along the beach with...

I go like, I don't know, man. Like, let's say I take a 10 minute walk and then I just go, I'm going to get in the water and swim back to where I started this walk. So I know how this story, I know the middle of the story and how it ends. I'll tell you the, I'll tell you the, the two craziest parts of this. I ended up doing this multiple times, right? Like almost every day.

Because of the stretch of beach that I would do this on, getting into the water and getting out of the water were the most treacherous parts. Oh, yeah. Because the seafloor and certain parts would just disappear. So you'd be walking, and the water would be at your knees, and you're going out, and then you're underneath. It just goes from two feet to eight feet, right? And then when that happens...

You have waves that if they're already broken, you have to go under because you can only go over if they're starting to break or underneath it. But if they've already broken and they're coming in and you try to face it, it not only fucks you up and spins you, but...

But the current of the water that has already broken comes back. So they meet each other and like, we'll spin you out. So that happened to me a couple of times where I sucked in water and I was like, fuck. And also I was doing the really smart thing of just swimming alone and not telling anyone where I was. That's a smart move. Yeah. A lot of people that say that-

That's the best way to die. They always say, if you're going to go to the ocean, go alone. Don't tell a soul. So it's the dumbest way to swim, if you haven't picked up on that. Obama's chef just died that way. Yeah, dude. Doing stuff alone. Doing stuff alone on a paddle board. And he fell and hit his head and didn't have a life preserver on. And he drowned. Either that or...

Allegedly, the Obamas killed him. Yeah. There's that story too, which is... I've heard that. I've heard that. And by the way, this is the second chef they've lost to drowning. Drowning? Yeah. Yeah. And it should be pointed out, black-on-black crime is really serious, Stan. I thought you were going to say, it's kind of ironic that it's the white people drowning and the two Obamas are fucking on the beach. Yeah. On the beach. I fucking...

So I do one thing I like to put if I'm going to swim in a pool and like really do laps. I like to put in those those plugs because I swim laps in a pool sometimes. Okay, but like I was a swimmer. I mean, I was, you know, I was on a swim team when I was a little kid. Okay, so you can swim. I can swim. There's two types of people people who can swim and people who know how to swim. All right, right. Like there's there's people edit his name out.

thinks he can swim and he cannot swim. You know, edit his name out. He cannot swim. This I heard and I laughed so fucking hard. And he said to me... And then I laughed harder that you said how, like, he was like, why is that funny or something. And he goes, and he goes, and by the way, edit his name out, but he goes... Everyone will know who that is, bro. No, they won't. He's like...

No, edit that out. He said to me, no, this is so horrible. He said to me, he was shocked that I knew how to swim. That's crazy. We're also, I mean, so when I was a kid, we would always go to this like, you know, like city pool when I was in like Ohio. Yeah. Like in summer, that's what you did. Every day you went to the pool. And it was just like, it was a huge pool. It had like a section for like,

Little kid diving, and then it had one of the platform dives. One of those fucking...

10 meter dives? Yeah, dude. Those are no fucking joke. Those are terrifying. By the way, they are one of the scariest accessible things you can do in this world. And you really can knock yourself out jumping off of that. That shit will fuck you up. But we would just spend the entire day there. And then it had the snack stand where you'd get a Snickers or ice cream or something like that. And that's how we would spend our days. So we'd swim. My older sister was a really good swimmer. So when she was on the swim team, there was always like...

there's competitions like during the season or whatever she would place like in everything. Yeah. She, I only think I ever placed in where I was like, I came in first, second or third was actually a backstroke.

That's what I placed in. But I, you know, I would do breaststroke freestyle. I don't think I ever, I don't know if I ever competed in butterfly, but. I challenged Maddie Smith to a freestyle swim in Australia from out. We were out on a boat pretty deep and we'll say we'll race to the thing. And I'm, I can, I know how to swim and Maddie Smith smoked me.

she can fucking was she a competitive swimmer she was a competitive swimmer her whole life those people are other level there's like moves you do when you know when you know what you're doing where your hand enters the water this way and you go like this yeah and then when you see like basically everybody who can

can kind of swim can do freestyle but when you see like a motherfucker do butterfly who knows how i've never been able to do butterfly butterfly and kickflip they have these great they end up getting these crazy lats yeah they look like fucking it's it's really something they have like a shell on their back dude so we go back to you and the beach because so this is the thing they say about the malibu the malibu triathlon is that the hardest thing people have is getting out of the water

bro because the way the waves break and how deep it shelves off and then i ended up seeing some too i ended up seeing some people because i i started to do this every day it's like you know so the first time i get in i i have my watch i set my i look at my watch and i'm like i'm gonna swim down to this rock and i'm swimming i'm swimming and i remember the first time i was like man i'm starting to like

feel the fatigue. Yeah. A little bit. Not like I'm done, but like, I'm like feeling the burn. And I look down, I've been swimming for six minutes. Right. I was like, fuck. And so,

I end up swimming more. I make it down to the area that I was going for. And I am cooked at that point. I was like, shit. Because here's the thing that happens in the ocean that doesn't happen in a pool. Is I'm doing breaststroke. I'm not going to do freestyle in the ocean. My ears are going to get so full of water. That's when sharks attack you. Yeah. So I'm doing breaststroke the whole time. And I'm like,

you get with the way that the currents are is that you're doing it and because you could look at a house and like you're swimming you're swimming and like a minute later you're in front of the same house because the the ocean like starts to bring you back you get caught in a little riptide yeah and then you got to let it and then when you really feel it moving you is when you actually have to like stop for a second you don't want to fight it and like and like basically tire yourself out yeah so you let it bring you back and

And then when you feel like you're out of that current, you're like, okay, you start going again. I mean, it really, it really wears you out. So I do that, do that. And then I realize, okay, I'm going to go in now. So I, it's a whole thing of like swimming towards the shore. And then that's the crazy part. Cause when you get towards the shore, now the waves, like when I'm doing the long part, the waves are breaking for the most part to my left in front of me.

But once I'm going in, they're now breaking this way. So at first you're like, oh shit. And so you go under this one. Well, now you're back out again. Oh, fuck. And you're just going deeper. You're going deeper. When you finally go, okay, I got some room. You start to go in and you can kind of like,

you're gauging when to go under a wave. So like sometimes it would come, you go under it, but then like you just, you miss, you see it, it has broken and you're like, fuck. And you don't get down in time and it knocks you. And I had a sun shirt, you know, like one of those swimming shirts. And it, it knocked me so hard that it pulled the shirt up over my head.

And so I was like, and like, you know, I do a, and I get kind of, I get like, I got like panicked. I was like, oh, calm. And then you try to stand and there's nothing there. So you go down. I can't believe you're doing this in fucking Malibu. This is where great whites hang out. Dude, I finally, as you're getting out, here's the worst part is you finally get your footing and you're like, okay, I can, I can hit the ground.

You get a break in that the wave is now in front of you, but as you are starting to get out, the wave that broke in front of you comes back and it pulls you back in. That's what everyone gets fucked up on the Malibu Triathlon. And they say, at secret time, I have a buddy who's like 5'7", and he said, there's a certain height where you can't get your footing.

So you're just caught in a thing that pulls you out and breaks and pulls you out and breaks. And so by, you know, the 10th time that I did this, I had experienced already like some panic of like, I think I'm going to die out there. So I should try it again. How far do you think you were swimming? Distance wise? Yeah. If you had to put a face on it.

Well, I would increase it. So I did it like, remember when you were coaching Nadav on how to do a marathon? I would do it like that. So I, you know, swim for 10 minutes. The longest that I swam in the open water was 30 minutes. It's a very long swim. It was a pretty long swim. Yeah, because that's not in a pool. In a pool, 30-minute swim, you're taking breaks, holding onto the ledge. Yeah, there's just out in the ocean. And I was doing this like...

Well, the thing that occurred to me when I did the 30-minute swim was I was like, if I just like, I would remind myself, I remember one time actually Joe telling me this about MMA fighters. He goes, when a fighter is fighting in like the UFC, like a pro fighter, he's like, they all fight, like the ones who know, like the real elite fighters, they fight at like 65, 70%, right? Like that's the rate that they're fighting at.

Like an amateur goes, wow, they go like 100%. And then gasses themselves out. And then so these guys know when to like hit the gas, dial it back. In my head, I was like, do not swim all out. Yeah. You know, swim at a casual pace. And so I was like trying to just keep be consistent but moving. But I remember a few times being like, don't freak out right here and gas yourself out and then just be stuck in the ocean, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but once I had done this a few times, then on certain days I'd be out there and I would see like a family going like, let's get in the ocean. I just watch. I'd be like, and I would see the dad be like, hey, I go, you know, those waves are going to.

are going to be something to deal with. Like, it's going to smack the shit out of them. He's like, oh, appreciate that. And I was like, okay. And then I would just watch these kids get, like, thrown upside... And then come out of the... And I was like, you know, just...

telling you that I've seen this a few times. It was something that like you would see people, even adults get like caught up in, in how unexpected things can turn out. That's my favorite. Those are my favorite videos to watch. People getting fucked up by waves. Seriously? Go to kookslams.com.

kookslams.com is one of my favorite things kookslams.com no go to kookslams just on instagram and you'll get better kookslams kookslams it's the fucking best it's my favorite thing is that's kookslams jesus christ k-o-o-k not cockslams k oh there you go cockslams is a whole series cockslams has a series

Okay, just go to... Those legs upside down? That could be something there. That's probably a pretty good one. Oh, that guy gets... I've seen this. This guy gets fucked up. Oh, my God. Yeah. How did he get launched that way? He's doing a slip and slide. Oh. Oh, man. Wait, go to the ones where they're standing on the... Any beach one. On the shore? Shoreline? That's on motorcycles. Oh, there... Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that sucked for him, by the way, for sure. You can really break your neck this way. By the way, the dumbest thing I did, though, was go alone every day, right? That's pretty... Go away. Watch this kid get fucked up on this. Go to the left. Go to the left. Watch this kid get fucking worked. Watch this.

Oh, both hands. So what's crazy about the ocean, when we were in Clearwater, remember that house in Clearwater we had a long time ago? Yeah. I would do my jog down the beach. Did you ever see Tom Cruise there? No. He has a house there. For real? Yeah. I think I know which one it is. Really? Yeah, I think I have a picture of it.

You're like, I don't know anything about it. I think I have a picture of it. I think I do have a picture of it. So I used to do my jog, and I jog in the mornings. Evenings, I do a four-mile jog, but in the mornings, I do a mile jog, and then I get in the water, and I'd only go up to my waist and then swim at that depth back because I didn't want to go too deep. Atlantic, by the way, way more chill. It's the Gulf. The Gulf is a bathtub. But I remember one time...

Swimming and feeling really great and not paying attention to where I was and I lift my head out of water and I am fucking way over my head. I just swam out.

And all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, fuck this. And then I start getting nervous about sharks. I'm terrified of sharks. Terrified of sharks? Oh, my God. I'm terrified. Have you seen that fucking clip of the Great White? It's like the best footage ever of a Great White with a guy in the container that they lower into the ocean. No. This just was from... It's unbelievable. Wait, what is this? And it comes... Dude, it's...

It might be that the second, the new, that might be, is that the one? Let's see it. Yeah. That's from like a year ago. Let's see it. Hold on. Oh boy. I don't know. Because I feel like it's actually a newer one. Hold on. This doesn't look good. Look how big that fucking shark. That's a huge great white. And he's like, oh, cool. And it has an open top. That's not a cage that's closed. That's not a cage. That's a casket. Yeah. Yeah.

he's like look at the shark let's tap this thing and see what it does scroll and see if this thing attacks him uh right to go to the peak right there is where right there is where everything oh yeah that dude and then it just now it's already in attack mode yeah and it just shattered that cage i mean wait what did it look like from behind

And then, look, he fell out of it, dude. He's trying to get out of it. Oh, shut the fuck up. How much would you shit yourself if you're doing that? Look, he's trying. Oh, my God. That's fucking hilarious. He looks like a postal worker trying to get away from a pit bull. I know. It's so crazy, dude. And he's like, guys. All right. Fuck it. I'm going to the boat. I'm going to the boat. And then that's got to be the scariest part of your whole life. The swim to the boat in open water with a great white.

Oh my God. Does he make it? No, it rips him to shreds. Oh, this is the guy or the girl? I don't know. I'm not sure actually. Is it a woman or a guy that did it? It's a guy. It's a guy. That's a guy? Well, I'm just saying. Yeah, I think that's a guy. Wait, is the other footage that we almost clicked on, is that another one? Wait, have you ever seen the girl get her leg bit off? By a shark? They were in, yeah. What is this one? Massive Great White, 3 o'clock.

Shark attacks fucking freak me out. Oh, and this is, is he in a pro he's in a proper cage though, right? Or no, I tell you what, I wouldn't mind going to Guadalupe Island and swimming with great white sharks in those cages. Those sharks are fucking massive. It's crystal blue, but it's a three day boat trip to get there. Where? To Guadalupe Island.

Type in Guadalupe Island. Wait, does this thing attack the cage? No. No? It's fucking clickbait. The shark is biting my cage. Yeah, that's lame. It's clickbait. Yeah. Go to Guadalupe Island. Shark. Shark diving. Shark diving. Shark diving. Yeah, there you go.

Look at these fucking the sharks of Guadalupe Island. It takes three days to get there. It takes three days to get there. But just they're fucking tons of great whites, tons of them. And they're all fucking right there. There's nothing around. And you get face to face with great whites by going in the cage. You get in the cage. Everyone goes in the cage and you scuba dive in the cage and they put you low as fuck in the water. They put you like 30 feet down.

It takes three days to get there. I want to do it so bad. Are you scuba certified? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't like scuba diving. How come? Gives me claustrophobia. Yeah. Like, I don't mind. It's like every time I go scuba diving, I never went scuba diving for fun. I went scuba diving for TV. Yeah. So like the first scuba dive we did was at...

90 fucking feet so I'm like everyone was I was always catching I was I always felt like I was catching up with everyone to do their fucking dive I never got to do the dive I wanted to do which is like a 30-foot dive in coral reefs yeah it's like beautiful cool I don't need a wetsuit I can just enjoy myself I don't have fucking fear of sharks and fucking orcas how about these orcas attacking boats

Oh, I've seen a video of a... I didn't see an orca attack one. I saw... Orcas are teaming up, breaking boats up in the open water, ripping off their udders, their udders, their rudders, their udders, their rudders. No, but orcas... So wait, did you see the video of the orcas saying... Orcas, like... One orca was like... What was... You said orcas were saying. Oh, orcas... No! This orca just went up to a boat and was like... What's up, man? No, it was like this. It was like...

And they were like, huh? He's like, this way, this way. And then they're like, what's wrong, baby orcas? Look, orcas are breaking boats apart. Look at this. They're going in and they're hitting the fucking udders, rudders. And they're fucking, and then they fucking just tear up the boat and these boats are sinking. Really? Yeah. Are they eating the people on them? I don't know. They're just fucking destroying the boats. I think they found out about SeaWorld.

Managing to remove the rudder. Look at that. Wow. And so they're sinking these fucking boats. Wow. Yeah. Look at this. And so they're going in having to rescue people and it's orcas doing it. Here's the other thing. This baby orca comes up to a boat and it's like this for real. And then they're like, what's up? And it's like this way, this way. And it takes them to its mom who has a net. It goes over and look, this is more orcas attacking boats. You ever seen orcas hunting great whites?

I think I'm one of the nature. And orcas hunt them for fun. And the orcas will also bite their tail off and then play with them. Really? They'll bite their tail off and then it'll fuck with them. I've seen the orcas going after like a blue, like going after a massive whale.

Where they team up. Do you ever see when they get a seal on a piece of ice and they all swim at it and dive and then a big wave knocks the thing off the ice and it slides off? Dude, orcas are motherfuckers. They also punt seals. They hit them with their tails and they go through the air and they're like...

And then they're like, oh, it's definitely dead. Let's eat it. Do you think part of SeaWorld's like, see, we weren't all that wrong. Yeah. We should be capturing all of them. They should be in captivity, yeah. Baby orca. Hint. Oh, love. Look at that. Oh, I love this. Look at how terrifying to be a seal and be like, hey, wait. Oh, fuck, man. Everyone out of the water. Yeah.

That's top of the food chain right there. Orcas? Yeah. Is there anything better than an orca in the... Look at that. Did it just punt a seal? Yeah, dude. Oh my God. What the fuck? By the way... What the fuck? That seal is not okay. No. No. No, the... I don't think there's anything that's better for killing in the water.

The only thing that likes to kill, it's not the same type of animal, obviously, but it's just polar bears. Polar bears love to kill. Polar bears will just kill you because they want to kill something. They're not like, oh, there's a necessity for food. Dude, I'm telling you.

Fuck. I want to see an orca eat a polar bear. Go back. Go to that search result. Go back there. Yeah, hit that. What's up with the bloody face there? Yeah, oh, that guy got attacked by a fucking... Whoa, look at the... Ooh. I just had a grizzly with two cubs come at me from about 80 yards, and I sprayed the shit out of her with bear spray, and then I went on my face and protected the back of my neck. She got my head good. I don't know what's under my hat. My ear...

My arm. I don't know what's going on in there. And then my shoulder. It's ripped up. I think my arm's broke, but legs are good. Internal organs are good. Eyes are good. I just walked out three miles, and now I go to the hospital. This guy used to walk three miles out there. Burst spray doesn't always work, but it's better than nothing. Oh, my daughters wanted to go on a fucking...

On a hike where the fuck we were. We were in Bend, Oregon, driving home from Fully Loaded. Yeah. We were just on the gorge and we're going to drive home. Yeah. All the way. And we go to Bend, Oregon and Georgia and Daisy and Isla are like, let's go for a hike. And I was like, no, guys, this is where you get attacked by a fucking bear. We're not in LA. This is bear territory. And they're like, dad, bears aren't. And I'm like, that's who gets fucking eaten. And let me tell you something. I'm faster than every one of you bitches.

And I will be the last one that gets fucking eaten. You'd leave them behind, right? If a bear's running? I would trip Georgia's friend Daisy and grab my daughters. And run. I'd kick her knee and be like, sorry, Daisy. You had to happen. Good luck. All right. Happy birthday to my wife, Leanne, who had her birthday yesterday. I love you so much, Leanne. You're the best thing in the other world. In the other... You know what I mean. In the other world. In the other world. In the world that doesn't exist, you're number one. What if I'm dead right now? And then she's seeing this whole... In another dimension? Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. Bill, that's nice that you're telling her that from the other side. Hey, baby, if you're watching this right now, I'm dead. I loved you. You meant a lot to me.

and uh what if i now no i'm gonna take this out i'm not gonna die well also like what do you want her to do don't mourn me for uh five years at least five years five year chutzpah what's it called chutzpah chutzpah shiva shiva i want a five-year shiva at seven days i want to i want a seven-year shiva i'm gonna it's called the bird shiva where you mourn them for seven years i love you love you

See you guys next time.