The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
02:02:52 Share

My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. The Two Bears 5K is this Sunday. Come join us at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay, Florida. And if you haven't trained, don't worry. I ran the LA Marathon with no training. You can run a 5K with zero training. Bet someone in your office right now that you can do it and beat them with no training. Make it fun. Go to TwoBears5K.com.

Sign up. Join us in person in Tampa. It is going to be a day of festivities. It's a celebration. Every fitness level, every celebrity level, it's a party. There's food. There's music. It's a great time. If you can't join us in person, you can do this virtually. You will still get your shirt, your sweatbands, your medal. Go to 2bears5k.com right now and get on the field with us. Come join us. Come run or do it at home. Just do it. Do it. 100% at the field.

My grandfather used to always have a pen in his, if he ever wore a suit, which was only to like funerals and things, he was born in 1902. Was he really? Yeah, he had a pen in his outer jacket.

And he said, that was the style at the time. And my grandmother was like, that wasn't the style. She's like, you did that so people know that you know how to read. So they would wear like, just have the pen, like a reading brag. That's why I carry these around. So it looks like you're fancy. He's a reader, huh? Yeah. What's the last book you read? I can't, I literally can't do it. And I've always thought I was sort of a smarty pants. I haven't read a book. I can't, I honestly can't think of it. Wait, wait.

Nope. Wait. Nope. There was a... We were on our honeymoon. There was a woman. We went to a really nice place for our honeymoon. And there was a woman reading a book. And I've never seen Leanne spit fluid out of her nose before. And the woman said to Leanne, Hey, I think Bert would like this book. Leanne said, spits a drink out of her nose and goes, Are there pictures in it?

I can't remember last time I read a book. It just doesn't come up. Do you think books are going to be gone one day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soon. Very soon. Yeah, very, very soon. How do you... I mean, I wonder if I would... Maybe I should at least get into Fifty Shades of Grey or something that maybe is going to fill that, scratch that itch of people getting boners and stuff. But I haven't tried it yet. I'm always impressed when neo-Nazis read Mein Kampf. And I go, wow, you read it? That's crazy. Yeah.

You read the whole thing. We were at, okay, first of all, I know there won't be books pretty soon. We were at me and Ken Marino, and we went on a bike trip in Italy. That'll give the shortest version of the story. There's probably more to it, but I'm going to give it real short. And we're at this swimming pool. There's sort of nice Masseria Hotel out in the, you know,

And the lifeguard at the pool is reading Mein Kampf. We see. And he's like a young guy in a Speedo. Just so it's like you can kind of see his dick. And he's also reading Mein Kampf and everything. The whole thing feels weird. Yeah. You know?

And I'm the kind of guy who's always just like, hey, let's not mess with the guy who's boners out and he's reading my comments. Let's just let it, you know what? Let's let him be, you know? But Ken Marino, as much as I love, I love confrontations. I love it. I hate them. I'm almost, me and your neighbors almost had a thing. We'll find, we'll get into that in a minute. That's why people can say racist things to me and I just go, cool. You don't like confrontations? I hate confrontations. I love them. Are you serious? I love it. Are you serious? It makes my wife crazy. Oh, Leanne likes confrontation. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I think also people don't expect it from me. Anyway, Ken Marino went right up to the guy. He's like, hey, what's going on with my cab over here? What's going on? He's like, I'm a for history. I'm a maker for history. I'm a maker for history. I'm a maker for history. He's like, no, you're also, but you just got super Nazi vibes too. Hey, cheers, by the way. Cheers. It's nice to be back at your beautiful mansion. I walked into the neighbor's mansion by accident. That was, this is beautiful. That's really nice. Almost became part of a,

An accessory to whatever they're doing over there. The only thing you can call what you become when you hang out over there is you're an accessory now. Oh, it's all the same color car, all the same type of car. So many white vehicles. White. Hey, wait, can you buy Mon Conf on Amazon? I want to see how many five-star reviews it's got. For my struggle? Let's see. Mine...

Kampf. Kampf. Minecraft. What's Mein Kampf? My struggle, for those of you who don't speak as much casual German as I do, I feel like I speak great German until I'm in Germany, and then people look at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 4.4 reviews, 2,000. Jesus, don't put my book up. Shut up, Adolf Hitler. It's got 4.4 reviews? Damn it, that's really good. What? That's...

4.4 stars. That's as good or better than my actual screenwriting book. Put your book in. My screenwriting book? Let's see if Mein Kampf has better reviews than your book. Oh, absolutely. It certainly has more. Putin is brilliant. Unable to beat the US in NATO ballot. Oh, my God. These reviews are fucking awesome. I feel like, shouldn't you go right on a watch list when you're doing a great review of Mein Kampf on Amazon? Shouldn't you be right on a watch list? What? Just like, ding. Good read. Literally, your doorbell, your ring doorbell should just go like, beep.

We've, Amazon's received your very, your glowing review of Mein Kampf and we just want to see what you're up to. Dog Breath 101. First, let me say, I bought this as a gift. Who the fuck do you give Mein Kampf to? I had hesitant feelings about ordering the book. I don't think I ever hesitated to purchase a book, but for me, this was it. I'm not sure what the book's content are, but the author helped create pure evil on humanity. Okay. Okay.

So he's awful the same as the weird, there's a lot of weird guys in Speedos who are like, I just need to know the history. Oh, this one go, but he gives it four stars because the delivery was ASAP. You know, whenever I want my, whenever I want someone's comp, whenever I want Dynacomp or someone else's comp. This is crazy. Just read it. But look up, you can get, look up reviews of anything. Look up, um,

You know, passages from the Bible, there's Bible quotes, you know, that'll be like, judge not lest you be judged has one star. Hey, did you watch the women go to space? I've thought of little else. I'm so glad. I have so many thoughts. Oh, did I? Yes. Yes, I did. Can I polarize everything right now? You loved it. I loved it.

I cried. Okay. I cried and my dad was watching it. I want to hear so much more about how that made you cry. Okay. Okay, I'll tell you why. Okay. This is for real. Now listen, as a comic, I'm a contrarian. I love that you're going against literally every thought thinking person in the world right now on this. That's why I don't talk about politics because all of my opinions are very true to who I am and how I feel and they're always very sensitive and they're always very raw. No, you're a good... And so...

So this is what did it for me. I wouldn't be here if I thought you were as scary as you seem. I'm going to take another sip before I overshare. Well, let's go because this could be... Oh, Jesus. By the way, hang on. I watched it on replay Sunday morning, right? So I already knew the ending.

Why? Why? I'm on the treadmill, and my dad's in my gym. My dad's at my desk. I'm on the treadmill, and I turn it on, and you see the Kardashians and Oprah, and everyone's sitting in the waiting room, in the viewing area. Let's be honest, the dudes who are piloting the thing. Have you seen a picture of all the guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We keep that real quiet. Yeah.

So, and I just thought, I thought, okay, maybe I'll write a bit about this. Let me watch it. And so I start watching it. And they start to take off and I go, that's pretty cool, man. Rockets are pretty fucking badass. And then this is what got me. The flower. No, no, no. The tiny daisy. No, I...

I only saw the exterior shot. I never saw interior. I never saw any interior. I only watched exterior. So it was the speed and the height is what got me. And then I started going like, they're going like 1,200 miles per hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're at three, what?

1700 miles per hour and they're at they're at like they are in the three hundred and thirty thousand feet in the air and I just started going like holy shit what a crazy experience what and and life wasn't guaranteed and I was I was thinking about the fragility of life sure and then and that's all these things yeah I got emotional and my dad's watching he goes this is fucking stupid did you cry at this I cried

I love that you cried. I cried yesterday, by the way. Why? I cry all the time. I cry a lot. You know, for a guy, I love confrontations. Like, I do love confrontations. We'll get into that later. But I think it's good. You've got to cry. Because if you're not crying every once in a while, you could get scary. Yeah. Although when I start crying, it can be a little bit scary.

I'm Irish. You know, the Irish. We're just dramatic. We're melodramatic about everything. Do you think they had... What kind of underwear do you think goes under the spacesuit? These specific spacesuits. Oh, I guarantee it was branded. For sure. It's Kardashians. It's got to be Skims and Spanx. Skims and Spanx. Skims and Spanx. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Got to be. Yeah.

By the way. Got to be. Immediately bring Playboy back. Do a fucking photo shoot of all them naked. Yeah. I'd buy it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm only looking at two. Yeah. No, no, I'm aware. You just said all of them. And I'm like, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't mind seeing Amanda win. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of crazy, though. Like, it's kind of like.

Playboy used to be better than everything we have now. It used to be, it would just be like zipped with a little like, you know, like we used to, everybody didn't just used to like point their butthole at you this first second you see every day. Yeah, there's too much. We used to have a little bit of class and it used to be a little bit of like, it wasn't all just, we're going to open with buttholes. Do you remember how sexy? You didn't see buttholes, I'm going to be honest, at all. You never saw a butthole? I went my entire life.

For a long time, without being confronted, I'm going to go ahead and say buttholes became confrontational at some point in the last 15-ish years.

We got real confrontational. Yeah. About like... Something. I'm not really sure when that happened. The sexiest was... Old-timey stuff. Old-timey tan lines. Old-timey tan lines. No one has tan lines anymore. Old-timey tan lines. Tan lines were so sexy. Right. And everybody's just like, oh my, you caught me over here by the tree. I'm just like doing it. It's not like, oh wait, I'm going to see if this jug of punch fits in my butthole. Which is what I think we've gotten to. We've devolved into...

Butt stuff. You got into a place where you got to look for something on porn that is so bizarre. You're like, what is that? You almost want to, you want to go search like upbeat or cinematic or friendly, friendly, like not.

and, you know, everybody like, when did we get? Cock torture is, shows up on my, I don't know what I clicked on one time. You got cock torture? It's, dude, I, every time I get like, because I'm a point of view guy, it's POV, POV, cock torture. POV, POV, milking table. And I'm like, ugh.

I was like, I wish I could reset my fucking history. You probably can, can't you? No. I can't do it. No. Can you believe that there's parts of this country they want you to put in your driver's license and sign up for an account on Pornhub? That'll happen. People are going to get right on that. Yeah, there's a milking table. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's exactly what you think. It's exactly yeah, by the way Just heads up if you ever get a massage and there do have that hole in the center do not get a massage I've never got a massage like that. It's literally never come up. I've never been asked to even about that. Yeah, I'm always shocked Can I always tell you I think I can trust that we're the same type of guy. I think so. I think we're both very probably Highly sensitive highly creative highly like big criers big criers. Yeah um

I'm always almost offended, somewhat blown away at guys who ask for hand jobs and massages. It makes me very sad. It breaks my heart that you think the world is that transactional, that you can just go, hey, what about a little, huh? And I was on a... I do that at the dentist, but that's different. She's Russian. It's cool. It's completely different.

I actually, at the dentist, I was like, the last time I was there, I was like, it's so crazy. I don't like let a lot of people put their fingers in my mouth. Oh yeah, it's weird. But they just randomly, people just put their fingers. Let me just get in there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always blown away at guys who can do that. I think it's just crazy. Well, I feel like the odds of somebody being like, no, it was like, you know, could it's what, what an amazing bummer that would be. What, what lack of backbone do you have? You're like, okay. And then now you've, now you've, you've crossed that bridge.

Life in general can be chaotic, but if you're in charge of order fulfillments for an e-commerce business, you know that it's its own special kind of chaos. But with ShipStation, you can count on your day-to-day remaining calm. You never need to upgrade. ShipStation grows with your business, no matter how big it gets. Lead your business into the future with smart features and automations

that boost efficiencies and save you time. It is the fastest, most affordable way to ship products to your customers with discounts up to 88% off UPS, DHL, Express, and USPS rates, and up to 90% off FedEx rates. Deliver a better customer experience with industry-leading scalable features that help ensure accuracy, get shipments out.

the door fast and keep customers happy with automated tracking updates with your company's branding. I'm telling you right now, we use ShipStation. We've been using it for a long time. And my sister used to do this all by herself. And now it's so much easier. It is so much easier. And we have zero,

Zero chaos in our order of fulfillments. Calm the chaos of order fulfillment with the shipping software that delivers. Switch to ShipStation today. Go to ShipStation.com and use code CAVE to sign up for free trial. That's ShipStation.com, code CAVE. Ship. Let's see if I can catch it.

All right, listen up, you beautiful, high-functioning party animals. The Two Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida, May 4th, is sponsored by the first beverage built to outpace the party, Light Strike Hard Refresher, an excellent source of your 5% alcohol that you need daily. Light Strike isn't just a drink. It's a goddamn survival tool. It is the perfect party pacer. Dude, I love these. This is why you have the opportunity now

Why choose between fun and function? This hydration-inspired cocktail brings its own self-care to the party with a crushable mix of coconut water, sea salt, and 5% alcohol by volume. It is non-carbonated, gluten-free, and a great alternative to those fizzy hard seltzers or the sugary canned cocktails. Light Strike comes in a resealable sports drink bottle, giving you control over how hard you want to go. Want half now, half later? Not a problem. Want a little more alcohol? No.

Put in a splash of porosos. That's what I do. Light Strike Hard Refresher is launching nationally this month.

with two flavors. This is lemon lime, and they've got another one, orange mango. They are both phenomenal. Drink them cold, drink them over ice, and I'm telling you, they disappear quick. It is crazy, and it is a great way to start the night. I'm telling you, I had two of these the other night at my sister's backyard, and I didn't even feel like I was drinking. I started to feel like I was hydrating, and all of a sudden, a little bit of buzz kicked in. Then I had my third with the Spassoporosos,

These are awesome. Learn more about Light Strike at DrinkLightStrike.com or follow on TikTok and Instagram at DrinkLightStrike. Light Strike, hard refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol. So I've been going to the gym before I go to the office. And while it's great for feeling good, it's good for your health, it's not so great for smelling good.

And every time I go to the store to pick up some, you know, men's body care products, it's always boring. It's always the same options and they're no good. So I went ahead and tried Cremo. Cremo's deodorant delivers 48-hour odor protection crafted to the same barber-grade standards as the rest of their lineup.

Quality without compromise. Now you can elevate your routine with two new signature scents. The Italian Bergamo is bright and bold, blending Bergamo and narrowly blossom and fresh. Pallo Salto delivers a deeper, more refined vibe with smoky Pallo Alto. And it is absolutely fantastic.

I gave both of these a try. I fully endorse both. You smell great. People think you're a better person. So head to Target or Target.com. Find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italian Bergamo and Palo Santo scents. Once again, that's Target or Target.com. Yeah, that's a bell you cannot unring. Hey, how about playing with this boner? No, thank you. Well.

Now where are we? We cannot unring this. I just said I can't imagine what a week back when you'd have to jerk them off. It's me. I'd be the person. If someone was like, hey, do we get a hands up with this? I'd be like, all right. I don't want you to like me. Yeah, of course. I need everyone to like me. So what was your take on the astronauts?

Because I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party. Is everybody saying it's a waste of money? Everyone's livid. Okay, yeah. The internet's hot take is that you're not astronauts. By the way, they weren't giving that money to the library anyway. It was not going to the library. It was not going to the library. It was not going to books.

Which, as we know, is not a thing. So it wasn't. Yeah, I thought Gayle King made a good point where she was like, yeah, it wasn't either or. Like they definitely didn't like cancel an opera for this. Yeah. You know, but OK, here's my only take on it. OK. If everybody did it and didn't say a fucking thing about it, much cooler.

Yeah. Instead of coming back and kind of shaming us, kind of making us be the dicks. They're like, well, you guys were all, we left. We thought you'd be cool. We came back 11 minutes later and you're still dicks. Yeah. Like that was a weird take. Yeah. The take that we, that we ruined it was weird. I thought we ruined it. Yeah. It's our fault that we didn't like it. Yeah. It is a little bit our fault that we didn't like it.

Well, you know what? Fuck you guys. I was like, oh, that was bold. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what it was? This is what I don't think sometimes the internet can tell you what they find gross about it easily and derivatively because they know what other people are saying. And so they give a hot takes. They feel like that's what the internet's giving. But I'll tell you what was what they couldn't articulate properly. It was that.

These women, when they walked out of the space shuttle, space astronaut. The blue origin capsule. Which was unscorched. They each gave. It has a screen door, basically. Yeah, that was a pretty light door. Hey, hey now. The door is made out of like straight up paper mache and it basically does this.

Okay, it looks like an RV door. Uh-huh Little thing but I'm not I'm not a conspiracy guy the door was weird the The each women and it started with Katy Perry. Mm-hmm gave their I have a dream large One man step for mankind a moment like they each were like they were like ready to be immortalized right and I

a closer connection to love. To love and gratitude. What would that feel like? Other than just taking MDMA. Did they just take MDMA? Because MDMA is fucking great. By the way, acid would be... Asphond can be scary on occasion. But if you can give me acid in 11 minutes? And then it goes away in 11 minutes. Do you know how often I take that? Chef kiss. Yes, chef kiss. 11 minutes and I'm...

I'm assuming you didn't watch all of the interviews in their entirety. You got all the footage and everybody in the things now. So the best is, and I'm paraphrasing a tad bit...

Amanda Wynn was, is one. She's a real astronaut. No, no. Oh, no. No. She's an advocate, a lawyer. Oh. Yeah. So she's a women's rights advocate. Oh, great. Okay. She was, I just read the story. She was sexually assayed. Is that how you say it, Mel? I've heard that too. It's not, it's terrible. At Harvard. Oh. She chose not to press charges right away and then realized within six months that, so she's an advocate for women's rights, right? Good for her.

But the interviewer said, do you feel like this has healed your trauma? And you watch this Amanda Wynn go, like, you think I'm cool with my right now? Like, what? And it was so bizarre. What an insane question. Yeah, like, no one was prepared. There's Amanda. Yeah, there she is. But no one was prepared for, like, I just, you know what got me emotional? It was like, I bet the world does look peaceful when you look at it from up there, and it's not. It is. No, it's a real bummer to come back. Yeah.

It's like if you come back, it's like the guy's two doors down where literally something's up on Earth. Yeah. Like there's some stuff that's up down here, guys.

It's crazy. Like this, I got emotional watching this thing land that I go, that I'm seeing something like this happen in my lifetime. That's crazy. This would be terrifying. Yeah, that is a lot. You know, it reminded me mostly, I was like, you know, you could also do the big shot in Las Vegas on the Stratosphere. Have you done it? Oh, yeah. It's the best ride in the world. Yeah, it scares the shit out of you. It's one of the best rides in the fucking world. In the world. Yeah, we're not a sponsor of the show, I don't think. Get on the fucking big shot of the Stratosphere. It's insane. It is insane. You see planes over the...

Eye height. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. I think it would probably be neater than this. It also is technically faster and less expensive. There's a lot of rides. I've done a lot of rides. There's Fox Canyon. Type in Fox Canyon, New Zealand. They have a...

They have a free fall ride, like a rope swing, which I'd argue is probably just as cool. Oh, I know what those are. It literally drops you and you just fall and then swing. Are you with two people arms next to you or just by yourself? No, you're by yourself. By yourself. And then they just drop you. But at first you feel like you're dying for a second. For four seconds, you free fall. It's actually, I'll be honest, scarier than skydiving, which I've done. Because skydiving, you don't get a sense. You step out of an airplane and you're kind of going...

But you don't feel like, oh, the ground's racing at me. You just feel like you're in... You know? Yeah. But on those, you get a sense that the ground is racing at you, which is a very different feeling. And they do it backwards. I'm not doing that. Where they hold you. I'm not doing that. I'll tell you right now. This is one of the most intense feelings I've ever had in my entire life. Fox Canyon, they had you on a chair. It was called the chair of death. And they lean the chair back. And so like, you know, when you fall on a chair, but you fall...

That thing. Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, that's very scary. This is intense. This is intense. And by the way, probably just as... I would love... Would you go to space if they said, all right, here's the deal. We're going to... On the DL. 100%. Why? Claustrophobia. I'm a severe claustrophobe. Like? Bad. Bad. I guess when I was a little kid... So when I was a little kid, I had a security blanket that I... Believe it or not, for a guy who cries a lot and loves to start fights, I don't know what's wrong with me exactly.

I talked to my psychiatrist on the way over. He's like, best of luck. But I have a very good psychiatrist. Shout out to my psychiatrist who's amazing. So I had my little security blanket and a backpack that I went with everywhere in the world. And we were in Iowa and we went to these caves that these people had, like a farm there. And I got stuck.

for a while. Remember like Winnie the Pooh getting like stuck in the tree kind of? Hold on. Yeah. Like stuck in a cave? I got stuck in between in the entrance of a cave because I had my security blanket in the backpack. So I'm like stuck and then I start to panic and I panic and I panic and I panic and I don't think I'm going to be able to get out and I can still feel that feeling basically every day of my life now. Yeah.

Can you watch spelunking videos? Oh, Jesus. The scariest. Have you seen the movie? 127 Hours? Well, that one. That's the one where he has to cut off his arm. Yeah. The one with the girls where they go below. My God. It's really intense. They go below and there's weird monster men down underground. Five girls in a cave. It is unbelievably amazing. Spelunking five girls in a cave movie.

Five girls, one cave. Spelunky movie. The Descent. The Descent. You've never seen The Descent? No. Fuck, it's great. For real? It scares me at a level... The Descent scares me at a level that no movie can scare me at because it taps into a fear of mine so deep-rooted that I can't...

Get out of it. Descent. Don't like it. I've done a ton of spelunking. And I like it. I hate it. I hate it. We were in a cave in New Zealand where, I mean, I'm claustrophobic as well. So what were you doing in there? For TV. Oh, you were doing it because somebody was filming it. Yeah. That's the same with me. If you film shit, I'll do it. Yeah. Yeah, like jerking a guy off in the thing. Like...

Chair, like whatever. Be like, oh, we're filming it? We're filming it. We're filming it. Oh, yeah, I can do that. I can do that. That's different. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. So. Drinking this guy off in a cave here? Hilarious. Let's go. I was unaware of how tight it would be. And so they bring us into a huge cave and we zip line down and it's everything's fucking wide open. And by the way, I'm seeing like Asian people in inner tubes to the right. So I'm like, OK. That seems fine. It can't be that bad. Yeah. Yeah.

They go to the right. I go to the left. The guy goes, all right, let's get into the birthing canal. Nah. It was a crawl space where the water was here and you had to crawl out. Nope. And as soon as you got to the other side, it was a different world where everything was tight. Everything was shimmy. And then this is the worst part. They said, it's loud. There's a waterfall. It's loud as shit. And they're like,

All right. Hold your breath. No. And then climb up the waterfall. Do not. You'll get to the top. He'll grab you. Let him grab you. And so we go behind the waterfall, right? Take a breath. Yeah.

Turn around and as soon as you turn around the waterfall is not hitting your head you climb up the waterfall The guy grabs you you don't realize what happens He puts you in a cave where you're sitting crisscross applesauce hunched over and the waters to hear now the tops to hear and you're just going This isn't what I signed up for

We went to the salt mines in Germany, in the mountains outside of Salzburg. This is not me and Ken Marino. Every trip I just want to picture Ken. There are a lot of trips of me and Ken Marino. Hey, we pass the wine over here. Keep going. So we went to the salt mines. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if I can do this. We had like a van driver. I don't like to drive in Europe ever. It's just not a thing I do. So we had a van driver, and I asked Uber at the van driver. I was like, okay.

I was like, how? He's like, so it's a little train, you know? You get on a little train and you duck down and it goes into the mountain. And I was like, okay. And I'm trying to do the math and I'm like, I can probably do that, right? And I said, Hubert, how long is the... It's not long, right? He was driving you and his name was Hubert? Yeah, his name was Hubert. Oh, Hubert. Hubert. And I said, how long is the drive into the salt mines on the little train? He's like, oh, it's not very long at all.

It's not a long at all. It's maybe 10 minutes. I was like, 10 fucking minutes? I'm going to be hunched down in a little ball on a child-sized train going into the salt mines, which it turns out is where they hid all the art in World War II. Really? Because they knew it was bomb-proof. The salt mines are so old.

that they knew, like, when Hitler stole everybody's art, which is a big part of the plot, you know? And he was like, let's put the art. There you go. That's it. There you go. Yeah, they're showing you where that they're... Okay, don't go to the website. It shows you a nice big room. This show is sponsored by Factor.

Make this your best season yet with nutritious two-minute meals from Factor. Eating well has never been this easy. Just heat up and enjoy giving yourself more time to do what you want. These meals are so awesome and so easy. Get outside instead of prepping and cooking indoors. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat, perfect for any active lifestyle with Factor.

45 weekly menu options. You can pick gourmet meals that fit your goals. Choose from calorie smart to keto to protein plus and more. Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfast, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. It's easy to savor more this spring. Factor Meals packs in the flavor with none of the fuss. I'm telling you, I always have at least six Factor Meals in my fridge at all times.

And it is so nice to not think, not think about what you're going to eat. Because I'll tell you right now, that's when you get off your diet. That's when I get off my diet is when I go there and I have a bunch of options. If I don't think and I just know I got a factor protein plus meal in there, keto friendly, I can cram it. Dude, they're awesome. Which one did I have the other day? You know, I did the other day a little cheat meal. It was, I think it was cauliflower, rice cauliflower with a Mexican beef. And I put a fried egg inside it.

Get started at factormeals.com. I'm fantasizing about food I've already eaten. Get started at factormeals.com slash bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's bears50off at factormeals.com slash bears50off.

Bears 5-0 off for 50% off, plus free shipping. The only thing more important than achieving a dream is protecting it. And protect your family by securing their future with life insurance from Policy Genius. Policy Genius makes finding and buying life insurance simple and ensures your family has a financial safety net should something happen to you.

With PolicyGenius, you can find life insurance quotes that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options are 100% online and let you avoid unnecessary medical exams. I have to tell you, as a husband, as a father, it is one of the things you are

absolutely have to do if you want to take care and protect those who rely on you. You have to get life insurance. You have to look around and see where you can get it. You can compare quotes from America's top insurers side by side for free with no hidden fees. Their licensed support team helps you get what you need fast so you can get on with your life. Secure your families tomorrow so you can have peace of mind today.

Head to PolicyGenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's PolicyGenius.com.

Once you put on an outfit, that means you're going to be touching stuff. It's fucked up. Yeah. It means you're going to be touching stuff. With a number, it means maybe they need to find your corpse. It's like, why does this have a number? Don't worry about the number. It's no problem. I'm just putting you on a little train with a number. Okay. Well, this has never gone well before. In Germany? Never. Literally, this doesn't go well, but here I am, and I just paid 80 euros. That's the little train that I was weeping on.

That's it. Little train, me weeping on a little train, just curled up in a little bowl. There's a, there's a cave in Austin. Will you type in a cave in Austin? And, uh, I don't even, I wish I had, I wish I had stolen all the things we did. This is it.

And so they said, we're going to go spelunking in this cave. And I was like, cool. I mean, this is a tourist cave. There's a fucking stairwell. Actually, no. Is there a gift shop? Yeah. It's a gift shop. You're fine. Handicap accessible. You're probably fine. It's huge. It's wild. And then they take me to a manhole cover. And they're like, this is how you get in. No, it's not. Never. I wouldn't know how to say. There's no we're never doing this. And you never do that. Manhole entrance. No. Never. Never.

Never. And... I have a... It's weird. I think the social medias have figured out that I'm afraid of dying in a cave underwater. So like every fourth story that comes into my feed is like...

They made the biggest mistake. They didn't know. What they didn't know is they thought it was air. It was different kinds of water. Yeah. And these motherfuckers took off their masks a mile below the surface of that fucking thing. This rappel into this cave. No. They lower you on a wench. I think that might be it right there. They lower you into a wench and they tell you. So I'm a bigger guy. So they said for you, you're going to have to have one arm down, one arm up to fit in. And-

They go listen. This is really important halfway through you're gonna see a huge room It's gonna look it's gonna be filled with stalactites. It'll look like Superman's lair now if you're panicking You're gonna think maybe I'll stop here don't because if you stop there We can't get you out cannot get you out So he says so what you need to do really all the way down is you have to keep going and then they're gonna Have you at the top it's gonna open up you'll be at 90 feet you're gonna be at the top of the cave and we'll lower you down the rest of the way and

I wish right now there was a little part of the screen where you could see my heart rate right now. It was, you know what I thought of the whole time? I swear to God, and this is, we're of the same age. You're going to remember this. I said, a guy went in upside down to save baby Jessica.

Maybe baby Jessica? No, of course I remember baby Jessica. When we were young, kids used to fall down wells all the time. All the time. We had more wells. Our porno was lighthearted. Yes. We had lighthearted porno. Kids lit themselves on fire? Sometimes. No one ever lights themselves on fire anymore. No. We had lighthearted porno. A kid in a well that we could be rooting for. Yes. All the time. These days, if one of these kids fell in a well, I'd be like, fuck, you know what? That kid was probably an asshole. Why wasn't he on his cell phone? Then you'd look at the kids' socials and be like, no, that kid's an asshole. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that well. You know what? Round one to the well. Yeah. Claustrophobia videos. Claustrophobia out of all the phobias. So I got a fear of flying. What's your other phobias? Flying? Horrible. I got to fly to New York tonight. What scares you about it? Just that you die right away and you don't have anything to control it. That's the best part about it. The best part about it is that you die right away. The thing about the cave, you will be alive in the cave for a week and no one will know.

No one will know. No one's looking for you. Do you want your death? Instantaneous. Really? I'm walking next door. Two doors over, right? One more time, I walk down the driveway with like the eight white Range Rovers. They say, come back one more time. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro. What do you need? Huh? Whoa, whoa. I just walked out of the property like this. Hey, bro. Okay, bro. Okay. No, death instantaneous. Absolutely. Really? Yeah, the best. You want to linger? Yeah.

And some sort of death? Like, airplane death is going to be fast. I actually thought in the past year, we're doing the safety video? Like, what's the safety video? Like, honestly, why?

Yeah, we got to do it, right? We should just do a moment of silence. Just literally just do something. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Right now, I should be the safety video. Let's just take a moment of silence because if it happens, there's literally no chance. Yeah, there's no chance. I feel like nothing will. Yeah. And if it does, look, it's going to be chaos. You're going to remember what I tell you right now anyway. No, I'm going to be shit in the bag. Yeah. In fact, we recently landed one of these upside down in Toronto and y'all just fucking filmed it. Like nobody did shit other than film it and make it into a funny goof. So you know what? Fuck it.

I don't want my death to be the all-female astronauts where America celebrates the failure. Like, that would be the worst. Who died where everyone just laughed? The last time that happened?

I think it's been a minute. Yeah. Where everybody was like literally laughed. Good. Like it's so... I can't remember his name. I'm just... Let's not dig too deep into it. Okay. I feel like I know his name a little bit. But there was a very, very busy Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that my friend was the receptionist for. And he drove off a cliff in Malibu while filming a post. He drove his like very fancy... That was it. Goodbye. He is gone.

But he was literally being like, come on in for double lips and kisses. We're doing the buns as high as you want. Gone. Dead. Dog. And the dog lived. No. It's the best story. Are you serious? Yeah. If you don't have faith in anything, the plastic surgeon who is shooting a funny Instagram video in his very high end car that went.

Off the cliff dog lived the guy who created the segue cliff. That's the fucking cliff Oh, that's that is genuinely that is like I mean miss horrible Well, what if follow the funniest deaths like you died something like really funny way like segue segues. I'm chef kiss I mean you create the segue when you run it off a cliff the guy who invented the guillotine I think was like the third guy who got guillotined. No, I believe I

Very early. I believe maybe that's apocryphal, but I think the guy who got guillotined, the guy who invented the guillotine, very shortly after. Be careful what you invent is what I'm saying. I think. Did he? He guillotined himself? Oh, he did not.

No, he lived to 75 not fucking this planet 75 and 1800s. Oh, that's like a thousand right now. That's like a thousand Yeah, it's very very very old right now. I always I always think about like Like Rob's Pierre Where he guillotined so many people and then he got guillotined because like I go You know, there had to be a time where he was like this will never I mean this never I'm killing it. I'm

I'm the guy who guillotines people. How are they going to fucking flip it around on me? Guillotine, you know, you live for a moment. You know for sure. You do. It's been proven. You have to. Like the head is still screaming. If the blade is warm, especially, you're going to live for a second. Would you rather be hung, shot, guillotined, or beaten by a crowd?

Oh, being by a crowd is the scariest one to me. By far. Yeah. And it happens a lot. Even just sort of trampled, I don't want to be. You know? Oh, my God. Trampled? I've been in those situations where it's claustrophobic. No, I don't like it. And the crowd's moving you. No, no, no, no, no. And your feet aren't touching the ground. Nope. Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no, no. Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no, no. My beautiful son made me go to something on the south side of Chicago last year called Summer Smash.

which is like a hip hop show on the south side of Chicago. That sounds safe. Everybody has their butts out. It's all butts are out. Again, this is my butthole thing where I'm like, I don't want to. Oh, it was the scariest place I've ever been in my entire life. My son got caught into the crowd. I couldn't get. There's also no cell phone service. And then it started hailing because it's Chicago and it's fucking crazy. Yeah. And I couldn't find my son and I was very upset. And I ended up going, I was a bit of a Karen. Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a Karen in this situation. I just went like up to the front of the stage. It's good to be recognizable sometimes.

I mean, it really is. Because people assume, especially the way that sometimes I present myself, which is authoritative. I'm like, hey, I need to find my son right now. And they're like, oh, hi. Oh, hi, Mr. Dangle. What's going on, Dangle? Do you want to come on the stage? I'm like, yes. Yes. I'm like, yes. And then some other kid looks and they're like, is he supposed to be on the stage? I'm like, yes, I am.

I've lost my son. I've lost my son. By the way, everyone lost their son, but I have a mustache and can just get myself in the place to go get him back. So I did get him back. That's hysterical. But I don't like the idea. I don't like crowds at all. I'm not good at it. Tom mocks me for using my face sometimes to get things. Why? He just goes. He's jealous. I've done it so many times. Pete's seen me do it. What's the best thing you've gotten with your face? Oh,

And this is going to sound so horrible. So horrible. I can't wait. A hospital bed. That's horrible. Wow. Yeah. I learned it was... I learned that getting recognized was... Was the bed for you? No, it was for Tom. I said to Tom... Oh, but Tom wasn't famous enough. No, no, he... Tom's pretty famous in our world. Tom's pretty famous, but for whatever reason... He's visually famous. Famous by name and his comedy and then visually famous are two very different things. I'm more visually famous than he is. You're visually famous. Yeah. And so...

He broke his arm, broke his leg. It was during the height of COVID. The height of COVID. The hospital's packed. No one's getting to bed. And Tom is, his arm is not attached. The bone is broken. It's dangling. His knee is not attached. And he's in so much pain. And he spent the night out of the hospital. What were you guys doing? Playing basketball. And so we, I said, Tom goes, they said, it's going to be a few hours.

What the fuck? Okay, this is a very weird world that we live in. I just told you that story. And somewhere, someone took a picture of me there. Looking for your son at Summer Smash. This is the saddest and most upset I've ever been. And I didn't know. Of course it's documented. I was literally weeping and screaming. And I was like, this guy is cool. While I was looking for my son, I stood up on this little box. People came up and they said, are you doing like a meet and greet? I was like, no, I've lost my son.

Oh, so we can't get a picture? And I'm like, of course you can get a picture. I love being famous more than I'm worried about my only heir is getting smooshed up against. That's great. Central C. Central C was the best at that show. Central C, big ups.

My daughters don't like that I'm famous and we went to a football game. My oldest daughter. Yeah, until it's fucking awesome. And I pulled up in the car and I said, I'm just going to park back here. And Georgia goes, you're going to need passes. I said, I should be fine. Usually I'm fine. She goes, what do you mean? I said, watch. And I pulled up and I was like, what's up, buddy? And he's like, oh shit, the machine. Go, just go ahead. Get out of here, machine. I was like, thank you. And Georgia's like, where are you going to park? I go, it doesn't matter. Leave it running. Yeah.

You're fucking famous. Yeah. But the one I did with Tom, we were in the hospital and they go, it's going to be about three and a half hour wait. Genuinely sad. And Tom, his face drops. Are you in Los Angeles? Yeah, we're in San Jose. You can't go to the hospital here. It's tough. Oh, yeah, yeah. I went with a broken arm one time too. During the height of COVID. During the height of COVID. The highest COVID ever was. Yeah. Those...

Everyone in the waiting room has COVID. Everyone does. And they've been shot. It's chaos. It's a perfect storm. Hey, did that COVID suck? Well, guess what? Good news. You also have a bullet lodged in your... That's him in the hospital.

And so I said to Tom. Tom's a good, I really like Tom a lot. Yeah. He, the guy goes, it's going to take about three, three and a half hours. That's pretty fast. Find a seat. And I said, really? And the guy goes, it's chaos. The lady's saying it's chaos. Yeah. And I look at Tom, I go, I can fix this. I look in the back and I look for a nurse that looks like he'd like me. Right. And I dropped my mask like this. Guy lights up and he goes.

And he sees Tom, I go, pull your mask down. Does he do the international symbol for, are you here with Tom Segura who broke an arm and a leg? No, no, no one knew what happened. So I go, Tom, drop your mask. Tom drops his mask. He goes, oh shit. Comes over and he goes, hey, I got a room for you guys right now. Boom. And we're like, all right. And Tom goes, you just fucking showed him your face? And I was like, yeah. And so we got him into a bed. He was like, yeah, there's beds back here, but it's just too chaotic out there. Have you ever seen that study that they did that there are certain chimpanzees would rather

Look at a picture of a chimpanzee that they know that has high status then eat food You're that chimp in this scenario you are the chimp that people want that the chimps will look at a photo of Instead of get a treat because you are the treat

to that weirdo and I hope you gave him a beautiful beautiful handjob on the milking table oh I did no no no for sure no no you get a hospital room for sure milking table which goes straight down these all the nurses came back to hang out with us they were like this has been chaos it's this is oh what happened then they all sat in our room it was kind of I was kind of like we did a meet and greet for the hospital yeah of course you're doing yeah and they're like yeah this is fucking nightmare man I mean this is fucking crazy I've never seen anything like this and then they're like what happened to you Tom COVID because I was playing basketball broke both have

Have you never seen it? No, but he's a fragile little man, I guess, because he's a big guy and he seems strong. Do you want to show him? Do I want to see Tom Segura's arm and leg break at the same time? That's pretty crazy. That's like the character from the Mr. Glass, they call me Mr. Glass, from Unbreakable kind of thing. Here. I don't think I want to, I don't know if I want to see this, by the way. It's pretty bad. Here's Tom, great beard. Nope, shit, no. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Fuck. Oh, fuck. Sorry. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God. You can feel it. It's broke right there. Yeah. You know, he broke his arm right here in half. No, not here. In here. Right here. In the humerus. Jesus Christ. Ironically. That is. It was not as funny as a humerus break would be. Oh, my God. Oh, you can feel he's screaming. He's screaming. Oh, Jesus Christ. No. Sorry. I don't know why. I just unwound it for him. Sorry. We just need it. Oh.

I love the people that go, they're like, Bert, you should never move that arm. I was like, yeah, okay. You be in that situation. Like, be in that situation where your friend's arm's bent backwards. And keep it bent backwards. And just, and go, we'll leave it there for the next 30 minutes until they get here. But the whole point is, like, with the broken bone, you gotta set it back. Like, the only time, I've broken this one a couple times. And...

you have to push it back into place. That's all the orthopedics are mostly the person. I've had a lot of doctors tell me I did the right thing and then a couple, you know, a couple, because Tom's had nerve damage and they go, well, then Bert caused it. I go, no, no, I think it was his falling and breaking his arm in half that might have caused it. I mean, I love the guy, but that's one of the lamest things I've seen a person do, honestly, ever.

Yeah. It's spectacularly terrible. It was crazy to be a part of. He's also going real slow. Like, is that in slow motion or is that, he moves that slow? No, he was so fat then. Oh, he's already out. He's already down. His center of gravity went up. No, no, no. This knee exploded. The knee exploded. Oh. The whole knee exploded. And then he tries to catch himself with the arm and the arm snaps and breaks in half.

Yeah. It's crazy. That fall changed his life entirely. If anyone's looking for a pivot moment in Tom Skirr's life, it's this moment. Watch out. Ow!

Has anybody said, I know he broke his old body and it looks like he almost died, but has anybody mentioned that he doesn't, he should have dribbled at least one time because he's also traveling. He's a hundred percent. Like I just, I'm not, I don't want to be a dick. Look, yes, you broke your whole body and you travel. It's crazy because of this, he got into, because Leanne that night, we go back to his house and pushes is a comfort.

trauma person. Like if bad stuff happened, push wants to make you feel comfortable. She's not going to be like, like lands brutal, but his wife, Christina is like comfort. She made Tom, uh, biscuits with Nutella. Oh,

And she goes, his will make you feel better. And Leanne saw he couldn't use his arm, he couldn't use his leg, and he's eating Nutella out of the jar. She's like, you're about to get fat as fuck. I think Tom's girl heard that and was like, I will not get fat as fuck. And his weight loss journey started that day. And ever since then, every day I saw him, he always looked better. That's good, because it looks like at that point in his life, a bird could have killed Tom. Yeah.

And I'm not talking about a raptor or a scary bird. I'm talking about any regular bird. And if a bird got in the venue, Tom's dead. Oh, he is. I mean, he was. That Tom. Yeah. That Tom traveled with hot sauce in his pocket. It's my favorite thing. He always had hot sauce on him. He always had hot sauce on him. He does got hot sauce? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a different Tom. He'd eat like a fucking lunatic. I like eating like a lunatic. Oh, God. This whole thing is. And then you made some money off it. Good. You got him there and he's crying. He's on it. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, what is it? Right after I met you, the first time I met you, first time I met was Pink Palace. We had an idea we're talking about last time, which I like, which is that we open a retirement home that just is the Pink Palace Corfu. Yeah, that's where Leanne got. Leanne's been talking about retirement homes nonstop. But we so we do one where you get every day you get there and they give you a little bit of Molly. And like there's a there's like a pool that's kind of gross.

Yeah. And just like, and then you live as long as you're going to live. Like how long would we live at the pink palace? 10 days. That would be, you know, you know, it's not like, you know, there's a Swiss machines where you go and you get in and it executes you. You've seen these little pods you get in in Switzerland. No, you have not seen the Swiss pods where you can get in and go, go, go away. No, it exists. It's a totally real thing. Absolutely. Or somebody could put you in it, I guess. But yeah, Swiss pod, Swiss,

Swiss Suicide Pod. There you go. Wait, how do you die? They look pretty sharp. It looks like Blue Origin. It looks a lot... It looks exactly like the Blue Origin. I mean, if you have the outfit on, that's it. The Swiss Suicide Pod, which, by the way, best band name really ever. Swiss Suicide Pod? Swiss Suicide Pod. Wait, how does it kill you? It's a suicide capsule. It just fucking nags you to death. It just doesn't open. It just doesn't open. It's just frustrating until you are like, look, I wanted to kill myself.

God, it looks sharp, doesn't it? Are we putting some money, we throwing some money at this? I don't think the exterior design needs to be as high end. It's fucking sharp. Yeah, it's good looking. It looks great. Yeah. Which is a little bit of a bummer because every time you read, the second time you use it, there's been a dead person in it.

So there's automatically been a dead person. If it works. If it's a good one, it smells like death. Jesus. I mean, it's dumb, but it's one of the greatest. It's flooded with nitrogen, reducing the oxygen levels rapidly. It's like doing whippets. It whippets you to death. They die in 10 minutes. 10 minutes? I could die faster. This does sound a lot like Blue Origins. And it also sounds like whippets. And you could die from whippets probably fairly fast. Why wouldn't they fill it with whippets? They do. Is that nitrogen? Yeah. Well, nitrous.

No, nitrogen and nitrous oxide are two different things. Are they? I don't know. Again, I'm not a doctor. I definitely would look into it before I got into the suicide pod. This isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. The way I'm looking at this, it seems like you could get in a McLaren F1 and do whippets. Same experience. Yeah. Identical experience. I think they haven't thought through enough things.

Like, I like when you, like a finite retirement home where you go, where you go, hey, we're coming in, but you're not going to live forever. No. So let's dump all your money into it and let's blow it out. And we'll time it out where your money runs out and you die that day. That day. And by the way, we're never going to tell you what day. You were on a little bit of Molly and it was weird. You put on a fur swimsuit, just like Pink Palace. Do you know what I want, Dave? You got the music of Ace of Base blasting and just like. Dude, I never liked people that didn't like Ace of Base.

Like the people that we shit on the fact that... Those songs slap. They slap. And the girls are hot. The ace of bass. We talked a lot of shit about you. No, we didn't. I didn't talk shit about ace of bass. No, but I watched those Tridels talk shit about ace of bass. I was like, this song's fucking good. Fuck, keep talking. Keep talking, motherfucker. I want... Here's what I really want. You ready? I want a... Find a... I want a blow it out rehab. Right?

So for people that are sober, they just want to run at it one more time. They give you like a solid week of just getting fucking loose. And then they cut you off. You go into rehab for 30 days. That's the way it often works, though. Everybody I know. I guess people just aren't paying. Everybody I know that went to rehab, that's verbatim what happened. They blew it out for a week.

And then they thought the trees were FBI agents outside the house. And they're like, I think this is probably rehab time. I'm going to cut this off sharp right now. I wish they did rehab light where it was like sativas and white wine.

Yeah, you know, it's not, you dip your toe. Yeah. We're not getting fucking crazy. No, no, no, we're not going crazy. Yeah, we're going to teach you moderation. Yeah, we're going to do social stuff. Casual social stuff. Yeah. Like, and you know, you play with a horse or whatever, you know, like chew it, something that they do in those VFs. Yeah, you have a sparkling wine and you get to hang around with a horse. That's a pretty good life, actually.

By the way, they got to rehab because I got to get a surgery. And I was looking at like, because my biggest thing is, not booze, but food. If I get a surgery, I'm going to balloon up because I can't work. If I can't work out, this is what I look like working out every single day. No, you look good, by the way, right now. You look really good. Thank you. I mean, I know you look good. That's why I didn't mention it because you're tan and you're, yeah. Yeah.

I know it'd be in working and you're doing your thing. Yeah. Um, but I want, I want to go, there's one that's in Malibu that you can promise. You can part, no, you can party at it. You can party at it, but it's like they monitor your food intake. Like they monitor, they have chefs, you prepare your meals. Physical rehab. It's like a physical rehab. So you can party, you can take edibles, you can do whatever you want. I mean, I don't know if they bring edibles, but.

I would say if it said something, something rehab and then in the slogan somewhere it said bring edibles, I'd be like, this feels a little fucking sketch. I looked at it. You know what? Bring edibles. I think I read what I wanted to read. There's no way they're saying that. I read what I wanted to read. We should always see what we want to see. I was like, the guy who invented the guillotine, dead by a guillotine. It's funny because the place I'm going to get fixed, they said, please bring edibles. Please? Oh.

No, so I like it. Here's our idea. It is based on one of the grossest party places in the world that we love. Pull it up. The Pink Palace, Corfu, Greece. Pink Palace, Corfu, the first place we met. I don't technically remember because the next day, you know, I laid down at Vespa at 55 miles an hour. Yeah. I slept on the beach that night and sleep. You weren't married. No, no, no. Single guy. Single guy. Look at it. Single guy, which is a big part of the room. Oh, I had an idea. We were joking. I was joking about this with Ken Marino thinking, okay,

Is this a fun game show where you would host it because we met you at the Pink Palace and we have to, as 55-year-old men, recreate every day of our 20-day trip to the Greek islands that we did in 1990, what is this, three, two, three, four? 1994. So we have to do everything we did. So like your day starts with like Box of Uzo in the sun. Yeah. And then Pacamarboro Lights. Yeah.

And then you got to like, I love eat a hot dog off their grant. Like everything. It's just like you have in the challenges just to see if you live. The answer is we would not. I love there's no way we'd live. Pink Palace. I don't remember. It was not that nice to my recollection, but our our retirement version will be.

- Wouldn't it be fun to be retired there? - I can't remember the pool being that clean. - Nobody goes by the pool, 'cause it's also on a beach that they're not showing in that, oh dear, that was kinda more, yeah. Yeah, Pink Palace. - I got jealous of Dutch guys there. - Dutch guys run cool. - Dutch guys are so fucking cool. - They run cool and their English is perfect. - Yeah. - No, they're already like-- - And they sound sensitive when they talk. - Yeah, they sound sensitive, and then they drift into English and it's perfect.

And they're just sort of Dutch and cool. Yeah. They're used to getting places on bicycle, you know? Oh, yeah. They're used to getting places by bicycle. I always say I'm bummed that I'll never have that experience to live in the Netherlands and like ride my bike through the city and my girlfriend's tall and she has like blonde hair and a scarf and a backpack. You have that kind of money. You could do that. I know. You could cosplay that for like a week. If you had to pick a second wife right now, what would you go for? Just nationality.

Secret family. Secret family. I get to have a secret family right now. Well, hold on. Now, if we're going secret family, I'm going Asian. I'm going communication. I'm going India. I'm going getting out of this country. I'm doing completely, yeah, palette change. Oh, yeah. I'm going Indian. I'm going low cast, good looking, doesn't realize her worth, flutter with cash. Oh, my gosh. You know how much you could look so rich if you just come in. You're like, yeah, I got a pizza. What? Can I say that we're almost exactly describing the movie called The Man Who Would Be King?

Oh my God, look at how hot Indian women are. No, no, no. This is not a secret. I don't think this is a secret. It also stars, speaking of, a guy who married a very beautiful Indian woman, Michael Caine. His wife Shakira Caine is in the picture and you'll see her in some of the photos probably. Like one of the most legendary supermodels. Is that her? Yeah, that's Michael Caine's wife. So, Man Who Would Be King, kids, this is a fucking movie, but it's kind of what we just described. It's these two weird weirdos.

And they decide to go over the mountains into this, like, find these people that have never really met. There's this tribe over the mountains who's never really met anybody. Yeah. And they're like, we'll go and convince them that we're gods. It's a little bit like what we're talking about right now. Yeah. Yeah. The weird thing is we have more resources to really do this.

I mean, I kind of think I'm like misusing my money. Oh, I know you are. I've looked around your house. You are misusing your money. I'm just trying to keep up. Instead of going to Southeast Asia, to India and proclaiming yourself a god, which I think is a very solid plan and I can't find any holes in it. It doesn't work for them for a bunch of reasons we won't get into, but they're really close. For real? This movie fucking is. Is this a comedy? No, but it's very funny.

The man who would be king. Based on, I believe, an old Rudyard Kipling. Please don't drag me if I'm wrong, but it's your old Rudyard Kipling story. Michael Caine, fucking amazing. Sean Connery. Michael Caine is Sean Connery? This is one of these movies with fucking mutton chops. Look at this. Oh.

That's when movies were a thing. Now people are making a movie like, hey, do you want to come? Where are you shooting? Like, oh, it's in a... Bring a sandwich. I'm like, what? Bring your own sandwich. Do you have an outfit you could wear to be in the movie? I don't want to fucking bring an outfit to be in the movie. It used to be movies like this that would take a year. Yeah. You go to India and fucking... Did you ever shoot a movie on film? Oh, of course. Really? Yeah, sure. I'm in two Christopher Nolan movies. Wait, which ones?

Memento and The Dark Knight Rises. Wait. Both on film. Hang on, hang on. Of course. Hang on. Let's talk about Memento. Yeah, sure. Maybe the best movie ever fucking made. Ever. Ever made. Ever made. Ever. All right. And that movie. I love that you forgot that I'm in it, which is sort of a subplot of Memento. I can't remember who you are in this. There you go. Look at you. Wait, who did you play in this? I'm a character called Doctor, who has no name. There you go. There's me in Memento. God, you look so different. I'm a real boy. I was a boy. That is 98.

8 or 99 or something like that. But that's the joke. The joke is in Dark Knight Rises, when I turn around and I'm Bruce Wayne's doctor, the joke is, oh, isn't that the same doctor from who's testing Sammy in Memento? That is the joke. Christopher Nolan, very funny person. Really? Absolutely. Yeah, totally funny. He's cracked me up a lot of times. Never met him. You won't get lovelier and funnier and always on film.

Always shooting really oh yeah, yeah, he's I'll tell you what memento one of my favorite movies. It's crazy tenant I'm I think I'm the perfect intelligence for the people that make movies like I think if you're smarter than me You already get the ending before it and if you're dumb than me you can never get the ending I'm the perfect yeah right in the middle. I'm right in the middle. I like the perfect window Yeah for making a movie or go

Now is when they'll figure out he's dead. And you're like, oh, shut up. Like, Memento, I've watched that over and over and over again, just trying to figure it out. And go, oh, yeah. Apparently, as told to me by the...

The script supervisor, who's an amazing script supervisor, he worked on Reno 911 a lot too. Same prop guy, although we have a lot of the, oddly, Reno 911 weirdly shares a lot of the Christopher Nolan team. You can't tell from Reno 911 necessarily, but like all the people who do, like Guillaume Deloche and Steve Gerke, all these guys who work for Nolan also come and do our show. And so Memento, what I'm told, is a movie that starts in the middle and goes that way.

I'm like, oh, right. I didn't really know that either because I'm in it. I'm like, yes. Starts in the middle and goes that way. Somehow. I don't know. What is the – okay, in Memento, he – I'm dying to know if there are people that have never seen Memento because it was kind of like a low-key hit. Low-key, but – and quick shout-out, his movie before that, which is called Following –

Fucking amazing also. What's following? Following is, Christopher Nolan's, to my knowledge, his first full-length film. Really? Called Following. And it's fucking wonderful. What's the main message? Well, no, in the movie, he has no memory. He has no, like, short-term memory. Well, no, he has no memory memory. Every day's new to him, basically. It's like, no, it's like 50 First Dates, but...

And everyone's kind of using him in a way. Yeah, so he writes stuff on his body. And it's Guy Pearce, and he fucking looks cool. And what's his name? Joey Pants is in it. Oh, yeah, Joey Pants. He's the, I'm not going to say too much about it, but he's a character in it that's of interest. Carrie Ann Moss is so fucking beautiful. Character of interest. Yeah. Stephen Tobolowsky, I got a lot of scenes with him. Stephen Tobolowsky, I ran into him. He's a good crossover between Groundhog Day and Memento, speaking of, because he's in both.

He's Sammy in Groundhog Day. And he's also the guy that goes up and goes, Phil, Phil Connors. God, what a great fucking movie. You could intercut those two movies. It'd be really fun, guys.

You keep going to Sammy and then you go to him and he keeps meeting Bill Murray. Phil! Phil Connor! And then he's back in the fucking chair with me being like, I didn't kill all these people. What is it about those movies that I love so much? Like a movie like Groundhog's Day or Memento or even anything time travel-y. Anything like in the tenant where you can watch it back and forth. It's a thrill. I mean, it's such a thrill to see like, now that you know how this plays out, what do you change?

You know, that is a little bit of a, you know, it's definitely like a wish fulfillment of like, what will you do differently now that you know exactly that the way it unfolds in Groundhog Day is so magnificent because at first he just fucks around and he's mad and then he gets really great at the piano and then he finds out what to say to Andy McDowell. Like, yeah, he just fucks around at first and then he keeps getting better. He figures that, you know, which was definitely fun.

There's a dreamy young guy Pierce there. Yeah, mementos type, but do check out, I see you got the tour bus parked outside. You're on the road in a little bit. Throw up, or you could even do as a double feature. Throw up memento, but then throw up following. Type in following. Following Christopher Nolan. It's just the word following. I don't know if it's legally his second picture or his first picture, but it's fucking great. What's the premise?

See, this is, I think that, so, okay, soft pitch, okay? This is an app I think me and you should design. Okay. Okay. Me and you, we get along pretty well. We do. We're very different, but we're very similar. Yeah. Like, you're smarter than I am. I'm not sure that's true. Yeah. No, you are. You're smarter. You can do homework. You can do, like, you're really good at being a grown-up.

But there's a real questions we could dig into later. There should be an app, right? Not like Grindr or Tinder. There should be an app where you can make new friends that are adults. And don't jerk you off through a milking table. But you go like, you type in your interest. Or they might, but like, it's not...

We're not putting it up first. It's not the first thing that's going to happen. We might go see a movie or some other stuff. Because even talking to you when you go, oh, have you seen the following? Have you seen the man that will be... You know so much more stuff than I do. And I go like, oh, this is going to be fun to get to know you for real. So I can text you and go, hey, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. But we also don't read books. So we're on the same page. Can't read books. I've written three novels and one screenwriting book.

Screenwriting book made the bestseller list. My first novel made the bestseller list. I don't read books at all. If someone was getting into Hollywood right now, would you tell them just don't? I'd say I hope you have an amazing TikTok. I hope you have a lot of followers on TikTok. Yeah. And I hope you're doing really funny, great stuff.

Yeah. And also there isn't really Hollywood, so congrats. But I mean, welcome. Do you get, I get really upset with, I'm a ride or die Los Angelinos. Like I'm, this is my city. I live here. I raised my kids here. It'd be great if we filmed here. Yeah. It would be great. How is this going to change? Memento was filmed here. Was it? Yeah. Oh, I would love to go. I would love to do a Memento tour. Reno 911 Miami was filmed on like two blocks behind your house here.

The end where we're driving around the old folks home. Yeah. The golf cart chase is all at this fascinating little retirement community. Have you not been over there? No. It's curious. There is like a retirement community. If you get to the golf cart chase at the end, it was filmed basically on this block on the other side of this block. There is a real, that's it. It'll come up. There's a real, real interesting scene.

little retirement community that's still there. And it's called like Boner or something weird. Wait, is it? Is it? On... I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. That weird little place. Yeah. That's where we shot the end of the Reno moment. Are you serious? 100%. Dude, that place looks so fucking cool. It's a long sequence, but if you fast forward... Oh my God, do you have the entire movie up on YouTube? Oh. That does happen. We made the movie Hell Baby and the day before it came out it was on YouTube. I'm like, really? Oh, fuck. How'd that... Just fucking... People just put it up.

I got in a big fight with a guy once. I got in a big fight with a guy. You know, I like confrontations. Yeah. So Night at the Museum 2 had just come out, which me and we wrote. And a guy, are you on Facebook? I am. Yeah. I used to be on Facebook and I used to take everybody because it was just like a thing of like, fuck it, let's all hop in. The water's fine. Yeah. Maybe we'll all get on the milking table. I don't know. So it was on Facebook and it was just all well and good. My wife was eight and a half months pregnant.

And I'm sitting around one night and she's going to bed. She's eight and a half months pregnant. And I'm like, I'm just going to stay up and check Facebook one second. What's going on on Facebook? And I get a note from a dude who's like, hey, just saw Night at the Museum 2 here in Cambodia on a DVD. Didn't love it. I had a lot of thoughts about how you could have made the movie better. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then I go back to the red wine. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

I'm like, motherfucker, you're telling me you just want you watched a bootleg copy of a movie that I wrote and then felt like you needed to reach out to me to tell me that you didn't like it and how it could have been better if I'd thought about it harder and worked on it more. I was like, motherfucker, the movie came out in America today. Yesterday, you're watching a DVD in Cambodia today.

Now, that's fucking, you just fucking pirated a movie and you're shitting on me about it. I was like, fuck you. And I write along like Jerry Maguire, like angry. I'm like, you have taken my time. Like as an artist, I don't care what the fucking money goes to Fox anyway. But I was like, but time, I spent time and you've stolen my time. Ding, fucking send it. And I get a note. And then like a couple minutes pass where I'm still not going to bed. Now it's midnight or one-ish.

I get a note back. Well, fuck you too. Like I get the furious note back of like, boo-hoo. I'm going to go cry to Darth Vader. Why don't you tell Darth Vader and Fox to come fucking get your royalties back for me, you bitch. It was so angry. And then I write back again. Yeah.

Because I'm doing this Facebook Now we're doing Oh, a guy in Cambodia who did not like Night at the Museum 2. Let me tell you about the fucking life of a fucking writer. And I write like another fucking Finnegan's Wake Back again about fucking the struggle finish the fucking bottle of wine, slap it closed and I'm like fucking Facebook, man, fucking motherfuckers. And I go up to bed, it's now about three now that I've written so many mission statements to a random dude in Cambodia.

And my head hits the pillow and I'm fucking so lit from red wine. My face is burning up. And Jenny puts her arm on me and says, I was like, wait, wait, what? She's like, my water just broke. We're having a baby right now. And I was like, I've been in a fight with a guy on Facebook for six hours about how he didn't like Night at the Museum 2, which I'll be honest, has some, you know, there's some stuff.

Like, some of his notes were kind of valid. Some of his notes were valid, and I'm like, fuck. I'm like, oh, man. Okay, you got this. You definitely have the spins. You're literally about to have a baby. She ended up going into labor for a real long time. So there was like a whole day passed. But stay out of the fucking comments, guys. You don't need to go check on how people on Facebook feel about stuff. Don't check.

Nothing that will never, at least to nothing. I do like that as a...

either a game show or a podcast of just someone that knows nothing about making movies. Just telling you everything. It's called I've Got Notes. And you just bring out. Everybody does. You're like, Bill is a truck driver. His favorite movie is. What kind of truck? Like a truck. No, no, no. Yeah, but no. Like a semi. Yeah, let's not do that. Let's do it like he's a car driver. He's an Uber driver.

No, I don't like that. Like what? See, this is just fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody just ruins... You ruin everything before you even play it out. It's so easy to fucking go like... I remember... You take stuff down fast. I shit on a movie one time. I don't fucking remember what movie it was. What movie just for fun? Was I in it? No, no. I'm in a lot. I know what movie... I'm in a couple pretty bad movies. I'll tell you what movie bothered me. And I kind of just casually shit on it. And it was Ferrari.

I actually didn't see it, but I did see House of Gucci. The House of Gucci. I got so many. We could talk for hours. I love everything about the House of Gucci. I love it so much. House of Gucci. Does he love it too?

He loves it. This is the reason I stopped shitting on movies. Because Tom loves House of Gucci. He hated... He's also right. He hated House of Gucci. But he's wrong. Okay. Hold on. We're calling Tommy. It's terrible. It's the worst movie. He said it's the worst movie he's ever seen. You could see Adam Driver look at the camera and be like, they gave me $25 million. I'm not going to not eat out Lady Gaga for $25 million. Come to Italy and eat out Lady Gaga. What part of me doing this movie did you not get? Right.

And then on the days off when I'm not eating Lady Gaga right in my face, I'm going to dinner with Al Pacino. This is a good movie. He was so livid about House of Gucci. It is a thing. Really? It's worth it. I gotta watch it. I gotta watch it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Throw it up in the bus. I gotta watch it. I bet I end up liking it. I think you're gonna like it. I think I'm gonna fucking love it. Because every once in a while, Adam Driver, I feel like... You know how Clint Eastwood in Smoking the Bandit used to look at the camera and be like...

I love that. I'm the bandit. Yeah. Well, the bandits in it again, Adam driver a couple of times in house of Gucci kind of goes, you're like, Oh, he's basically like saying like, I know, I know, I know. Is this per, is this movie perfect? Was I just eating out Lady Gaga a second ago? Yes. Yeah.

Am I obviously getting paid full freight to be like goofing around in the Italian Alps? Yes. Full freight. Tom was livid about this movie and I just made a movie and I realized how much work goes into a movie and then I was like... Movies are impossible. It's impossible and then I was like, well, I'm not going to shit on movies anymore because I can't...

I can't forget which one was the last one. The last one I gave comments about was Ferrari because Enzo Ferrari's... Oh, no, I saw Ferrari. This is how terrible I am. I saw Ferrari. Okay. Yeah. But his wife didn't look like... His wife... Nobody does. Didn't look like that. So I had a hard time connecting why he'd ever cheat on... What was her name? Not Sofia Vergara. Penelope Cruz. Penelope Cruz. Why would he ever cheat on Penelope Cruz? Especially with the other chick who I didn't think was that hot.

trying to remember who the other chick is. She's more off the beaten path. I mean, it does fall into the expression of that. That's what she looked like. And then that's what they have her as I go. No, I get why you'd cheat on her.

Come on. I didn't know the difference was that much. That's pretty pronounced. That's my problem with representation in movies is they go, they can't cast Scarlett Johansson as a trans female, but they can cast fucking her as... Everybody gets hotter in movies. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you saw the Dylan picture recently, but... My daughter loved it. No, it was amazing. Really? Yeah. Two things. Dylan doesn't look like that. No. And Joan Baez did not look like that.

I was like to my son, I'm like, we were never dreaming like, hey, please show Joan Baez in her little cotton underwear walking around the kitchen. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. No, that was never something we were dreaming about back in the day. No, she's one of the most beautiful women in like the history of the world. But of course, if you have Timothee Chalamet, you can't just like, yeah. Yeah. You can't have a normie. No. You can't have normal people. They all look weird next to each other. See, there's the normals. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. To play Joan Baez. Mm-hmm.

Jesus. Joan Baez has got to be psyched, right? You've got to be like, what? Neat. Wow. Do people, everybody perceives me like this? That's what you saw? Whoa! My self-esteem's in the gutter. Fucking slam dunk. Holy shit. Is that real Bob Dylan? That's real Bob Dylan and real Joan Baez. God bless them. They've given us so much. What a gift they've been to all of us and everything they do. But...

I'm not dreaming about them in their underwear. You know? No. And you cut to Timmy and her, and I'm like, hey, let's get all these guys trotting out. Let's see Tim running around there, and what's he doing? What was the movie they shit on at the Oscars a bunch? They were like this. That was their joke movie that they were shitting on this year. They always shit on Ben Affleck movies, and I love that dude.

What oh air was what did you see it's the air, but it's outstanding Put it on the fucking bus. Yeah a Ben Affleck's air five out of five stars No, literally no one saw it. He always delivers for me. It's great incredible and he's amazing in it and very funny He's he plays the the Nike dude and he's bonkers and he's fucking all chef kiss chef kiss. Yeah him in the town of

Town's great. Yeah. Yeah. He's great. What was the movie everyone was shitting on this year? What was the movie everyone was shitting on at the Oscars? It's got to be...

It was not Amelia Perez, which was the crazy one. I didn't watch any of the movies. I believe that about you. I know that you didn't watch any of the Oscar movies because it's a little bit like reading. It is. It's definitely a little bit like reading. It's a lot like reading. Especially the ones in Spanish. It's literally, I've heard your Spanish and it's not good enough to understand Amelia Perez beginning to end. Yeah.

It wasn't that. It was not Conclave, which was actually excellent. Rest in power. It's crazy that it's happening right now. That's actually a great picture. Did you watch it? It's about the Pope? Yeah, but it's way better than you think. It's almost like a murder mystery dinner. I swear. Really? They should have pitched it as murder mystery Pope dinner. I think the branding of these, you could dummy down the branding. If you just made, okay, make the trailer for that. We used to do that. For real? Yeah.

used to do that yeah there used to be trailers that were like made movies seem like more fun yeah make a trailer versus kramer dude yeah it's like make a conclave trailer trailer that's meant for frat houses yeah we were like do you like do you like dudes in white dude they're gonna burn out the white smoke will only come out when what you thought the clan was bad and white check out these motherfuckers i'm still here all these bros substance was uh

Oh, I like The Substance. That was a... A Wicked. Everyone trashed Wicked, but I think they trashed the marketing. That was just because their press tour was nuts. Their press tour was crazy. There was a lot of hand-holding and they all were saying that everybody was holding space for something, which I don't know what that means. I still don't know what it means, holding space for stuff. I don't know. I mean, all I can think of is

I really don't know what it means. I don't know what it means. But it started to get said a lot during that. And I actually loved the movie. It's way, way, way, way, way too long, but it's a lovable movie. I fell asleep in it. It's way, way, way, way, way too long. I went with my daughters and my wife. I got high and I passed out. Well, yeah, you're in a nice air-conditioned theater. Snored out loud. That is such a meme. You snoring during Wicked. I hate to say it. It's a perfect meme. It's just like the screen of like, and if you care to fart.

As someone told me lately. What about the press tour for Snow White? It's magnificent. It is fun to get to see. This would be sort of a funny TV show because there was at one point, did you see Death on the Nile? Wait, like the original and the other one? No, the more recent one. I've watched all of them. I'm a big Hacker Get through Christie. Of course.

God damn, we have a weird amount of overlap. So the fun part of Death on the Nile is that by the time they shot the movie and by the time the movie came out, about half of the cast had been canceled or done some unbelievably crazy shit. Army was eating ladies, allegedly eating people's

He never has eaten people's butt. Army was maybe, he was talking about eating people's butt. Russell Brand. Russell Brand. Gal Gadot had come out and been like, Israel will kill. She was like, Israel will kill you all and you're like, you're all bow down. And I'm like, the press person must have been like, whoa, hey, hey, hey, guys, guys. I thought I was a little bit fucked with the- Don't tell who the killer is. Hey guys, let's all stop being dick.

And the opening scene of, so like the army stuff about him, like sort of getting into like cannibal stuff, allegedly, had just come out. And the whole opening is a dance number where he's licking Gal Gadot and like, he's Pepe Le Pewing her in this dance number. And you're like, oh, this is like foreplay. I didn't see this one. You know what I saw? I saw Murder on the Orient Express. Yeah. You saw the one where only one guy was canceled.

Wait, who's canceled now? He's uncanceled now. Who? Johnny Depp. Oh, yeah. At the time, he was a little dubious because we didn't know how that was going to sort out. Yeah. You know? Josh Gad is fucking good. Oh, one of the funniest people of all time. The only time I ever saw a show where my face fucking hurt was the original book. Have you seen Book of Mormon? Yeah. I saw it with him in it. With him in it. Wait, did I? Would I have seen it in LA with him in it? No. Okay, no. No, you saw it at the Pantages with a funny little dude who's very funny, but he's not Josh Gad. Josh is something else. Yeah. Yeah.

But there's Josh. Yeah. Stone Cold Genius. What were we talking about? We always talk about musicals. I know. You don't know him at all. Yeah. Yeah. I know Lin texted after that. Yeah. Lin-Manuel, when you called him Lin-Emmanuel Miranda. It's okay. My buddy, my buddy, my buddy, Billy, Billy Gardell had a TV show called Bob Hearts Something. I have been calling it Bob Loves Danny Amendola.

I thought it always looked written out like Bob Loves Assholes. Bob Loves Abishola. It's an absolutely insane title for a show. It's crazy that it was successful. It's almost an abuse of power to just be like, Bob Hart Abishola? Yeah.

Come on. I've been saying Bob loves Danny Amendola for so fucking long. And he said it the other day and I went, I've been saying the wrong fucking title. I literally look at it and go, Bob loves assholes. Okay, wait, can I tell you something? How do you not see that? Can I tell you something that I learned yesterday? It's the only thing I can see. And you're going to, everyone, is anyone listening downstairs? Every single human being is going to mock me for the rest of my life. I don't know if I will, but okay. It is...

If I looked at this, I was like, how much does this cost? I'm crazy about that. Oh, don't worry about that. If you worry about this palace that we're in right now, next to the dudes who might... You should check that I make it to the car. My friend. I might have to walk in your car. You're a little nosy. What did you hear? Peek-a-boo. Hey, peek-a-boo. No, no, I see you. Come here, peek-a-boo. I was walking by the vehicles and I'm like, did Bert win the lottery again? What the fuck happened? Because there's these luxury vehicles, but everybody's sitting in like a weird plywood...

thing in the back like talking about stuff this is a weird neighborhood to be to be fair he was very nice yeah but there was a vibe oh yeah of what do you think if they walked into our front yard of me and you talking what do you think our vibe would be hey hey hey uh-uh no let's see they were the nice guys yeah i walked into a weird like mafia den and they were very nice whereas if they come up here i'll be like what do you need burt for

No, like what do you need him for? I love that you love confrontation. I fucking hate confrontation. I love it so much. My wife does not love how much I love it. Here's the thing. So early in New York when the state, we all got beat up on the streets in New York all the time. It was a very ordinary thing to happen. We moved to New York and it was 1988. So it's like the movie The Warriors. It's fucked up, you know?

That was when all the subway cars were covered in graffiti. It was just a scary time. So once you've been beaten up in New York a couple of times, something changes in you, I think. And you stop... For me, I stopped being afraid of physical confrontations. Really? It doesn't scare me anymore. Wow. No. Two really amazing ones. I did not win or throw punches or anything, but I just came out the other side of them. And it sort of gives you a little...

It's a thing of like, all right, let's see how this goes. And then you find out, this is the other scary part, nobody wants to be in confrontations. Nobody does. So I was writing a recent example. We live in Wisconsin a lot most of the time, and we rode our bikes to the movie theater. And me and my wife and my son are riding our bikes back from the movie theater, and there's a car. We're in the exact proper lane that we're supposed to be in for the bikes. A little car honks as it comes by us, and a dude screams out the window, "'Fuck out of the road!'

And then he gets stopped at a red light. And I'm coming up. I pull right up, his window's open. I lean in the window. And I say, get the fuck out of the car right now. He's like, I'm... Did I say something? I'm like, get the fuck out of the car right now. One of us is gonna die right here. And I don't care if it's you or me. So get the fuck out of the car right now. And the next thing he says is, Tom? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like...

you're friends with the chief of police and so am I. I'm also friends with the chief of police. And I was like, okay, okay. So we know when the cops come, it's going to be a draw. Yeah. But get out of the car. And he's like, I'm so sorry. He's like, most people are not ready to be corrected. And people are driving around screaming at people on bikes, children and things like that. And people, like we got into a world where everybody is like, I didn't like your movie. I didn't need...

but people don't get corrected by adults as much as I think they should. When I was a kid, you get fucking corrected all the time. I'm from the West side of Chicago. Old Irish guys would just fucking hit you in the head and be like, fucking knock it off. Yeah. People would tell us to knock it off every day, all day. No one's told like a whole generation. No one has said knock it off about anything ever. Oh,

Oh, I remember getting pulled out of my window and beaten by a grown man. Of course. I was 16 years old. He pulled me out of my window. Okay, were you being a dick, though? Yeah, I was. Okay. See, so you know what? I honked at him. I cheer for this guy. He was pulled over at the movie theater to drop off his kids. Mm-hmm.

And I was pulling up. It was Hyde Park. I pulled up behind him. And then I honked it. And then I honked at him. And he was like, this, go around. And I honked again. And he said, go around. And I pulled up next to him. I go, learn how to fucking drive. And I pulled up. And then I got to the next light. And he walked to my window. And I was talking to my buddy, Sal. And I said something, like, where are we going? And Sal goes, oh, shit, he's here. And I went, what? And he...

He pulled me out of my window and started punching me in one eye. Just punching me in one eye. And he was like, learn how to fucking drive. I'm going to fucking, and he pulled me out. Sal jumped over, jumped onto his back. I love this guy. He threw Sal off. My buddy Adam Rieger got into the front seat and drove away. In your vehicle? In my vehicle. And you're just on the street? We were on the street by the

bank just under the interstate and this guy beat the shit out of me and Sal. I'm team that guy 100%. And man, I never talk shit to people anymore when I was driving. You know, it's interesting. And this is where my wife really gets on me because like stuff like that will happen. Yeah. Because I've also, but I've also like, and she's like, someone's going to shoot you. She's like, what if they have a gun? I'm like, they better.

And she hates that the most. Yeah. She's like, they're going to have a gun. I'm like, they better because I'm going to fucking... Otherwise, this is over right now. But the fact is you find most people...

I've just forgotten how to have sort of manners and stuff. Like we used to have manners about everything. Like things were manners, except for you honking at the guy at the thing. We mostly used to just like... You were taught manners. We were taught manners. In that moment, I realized, okay, I'm not the biggest man out here. You forgot your manners for a minute. Yeah, I'm a kid. I think I'm tough because I got a car. You just forgot your manners. We had a squatter in front of our house. We live in... He was in a camper and...

and the neighbors, these type of neighbors that you saw over there, came over to me and we were just-- - We're going to set this guy on fire. - No, they said they-- - No, no, but we're gonna make it look like you did it. - No, they said-- - Whoa, whoa! - They said, "You need to get him to move. This is your house." - Okay. - And I said, "Yeah, I'm not good at that." And they're like, "What do you mean?" I said, "Like, I don't know. I'll try." So I knocked on his door.

And I was like, hey, man, you can't park here. And he was like, yeah, yeah, I can. And I was like, no, you can't. And he's like, no, limitations of stat. And so I was like, I don't know the policy. I just was like, hey, man, we're building here and we don't want you here. And he was like, yeah, you can go fuck yourself. I'm staying here. So I looked at Leanne. I was like, it's not going to happen. And now we've escalated. The guy comes, the guys come over and they're like, what did he say? And I said, he's not moving. And the one guy goes, the machine can't get him to move. We can move him.

They went. I assure you those guys could get him to move. Do you know what they did? I don't want to know. I don't want to be an accessory. Am I an accessory after the fact if you tell me on a podcast? I think so. Okay. Something happened. They brought baseball bats over and they started destroying his camper van with baseball bats. And when he came out, they beat him with a baseball bat and then they moved it for him.

They put him in it and they moved it for him. See, that goes a little beyond my thing, which is just like manners are good.

I was kind of getting at like, hey, manners are good. And we diverted into like, let's start murdering folks. I had a neighbor. Let's randomly murder the poor. You ready for this? I don't know if I'm going full. I'm not full murder the poor yet. I don't like confrontation. I had a neighbor who a guy was breaking into our house during construction, breaking into our house. And he caught him. And he held him at gunpoint with a gun in his mouth on the corner of the street until the cops came. Yeah, like you do. Yeah.

And I'm just like, I'm not that kind of guy. I had a guy when we lived in the middle of Hollywood, we lived on Vista Street, like right by Astro Burger and Fat Burger at Santa Monica. Yes. And I looked at one night and a guy bolt was bolt cutting our bicycles. He'd come into our property through the gate and was bolt cutting the bicycles off our bicycles off the front porch of our house.

And I did the logical thing, which is I grabbed my BB gun rifle. I'm in like a suit. The jacket was off. And I started running and chasing him and saying, motherfucker, you did it now. You're going to die. You're going to die. He threw the bikes instantly. Yeah. But I didn't care. I was going after him. And then he got almost to Melrose, basically. Vista or Melrose and Gardner. And I lost him. Can't get him. The bikes are gone. And I'm walking home and I got like a rifle in my arm. That's when the first...

search cop searchlight hit me. Are you serious? It was seven cop cars and the helicopter, seven LAPD cop cars and the helicopter. There was like 16 machine, 16 sawed off shotguns pointed at me in the street. I was like, I was, oh yeah, I was chasing. And like, you don't get to say right then as you're walking down the street, like dripping sweat with a suit, like, can I tell my side of the store officer, let me say how I see it from my point of view.

You're like, no, you look like a fucking crazy person with a gun running down the street. Yeah. Yeah. They shot, what's his name? The lead singer of Weezer's Wife. Bass player. Bass player. Yeah. I want to know way more about this that we don't know yet. There's a lot of holes in that. It's a huge fold from, okay, just casually. No, there's a lot of stuff we don't know about that. I do know from my experience with LAPD.

And they see you with a gun. And by the way, I'd thrown it on the ground already. The second the spotlight hit me, I'm like, oh, fuck, this looks bad. This is not a good look. The optics are sort of terrible. As I'm like, officers! Let me show you the real me. You have lived so high. Now you shall live so low. Yeah, it was a bad night. But by the way, great night to be famous.

Yeah. The best. When you actually didn't do it, because I actually didn't do anything. Yeah. I was actually chasing a guy who had robbed me, but I was being a little bit of a dick about it. And I was also screaming, you're about to get murdered and things like that, that are like, I was screaming things that were unseenly, you know? So, but I do think that guy probably thought about next time he was like, I'm going to fucking steal a bike from a guy's house. I'm like, you know what? Once in a while you're going to roll the dice and you're going to get a little Irish guy who's sad.

and loves to just get into it. You're going to get a Smiths fan who's like, hey, the Smiths aren't making any more records. I could be getting into that McLaren Swiss capsule or chase you. You can't predict who's going to beat you up. That's the best part about it. That's also the best part about it. This is a weird thing because you're a big tough guy and you've probably always been kind of a big strong guy. It's actually, I think, sometimes in situations where people are being a dick and I go like,

I do the, like, you know, whatever the thing is that I do, which is like I get real. The one thing I do is I get quiet. There's nothing scary. Like guys, you know, like, fuck you, I'll kill you. That's not scary. But when you lean in on it, you say, no, come here. I need you to come here for a second. It's so much scarier. See, it's a thing you can cultivate. And maybe you cultivate it if you're a little guy. I'm five foot eight. I'm Tom Cruise height. So like maybe you cultivate more like the like, look.

And also, it works 90% of the time. The trick is, 10% of the time it doesn't work. And the 10% of the time it doesn't work, you are completely fucked. Because you're like a little guy who's basically an actor from musical theater pretending to be a badass. No, but you're a good actor. Yes, and it works, again, 90% of the time. You're a good actor, a good writer, a good producer. All those combined. But that other 10, that other 10, you're really...

You're it's it's milking table and you're not on the you're not on the good end. You're on the other end of the milking table. Oh shit. What? I live here now. Oh, yeah. I hate confrontation. Jill Shriner, bassist guy Shriner was shot by police. That's crazy. I don't want to comment on it because we really don't know what happened. But from my point of view, as a guy, I know a lot of cops.

Whenever cops ask me to do stuff, I'm like, I'm one million percent. You want to do that? I'm like, fuck yeah. Do you want to come to the thing? Yes, of course I do. Done. Yeah. I know they hate when you brandish guns at them. It's like one of their top five. They really, really, really, really, really, really don't like it. They've also been driving for like 11 hours in scratchy pants with like ammunition that's like basically destroyed their kidneys and their hips hurt. And like they just got told like they don't get Christmas off.

And they're like, everything sucks. And they're like, oh, hey, by the way, you probably can't understand. Somebody's going to have a gun over their house. All we know is that they hate you. What? I don't know. You're just always, everywhere you go, people are like, fuck you. It sucks. I can't imagine how bad of a cop I'd be. Oh, I think first day, I'm like Denzel on training day. Just like PCP, doing stuff, making Ethan Hawke do PCP. Oh, I would definitely...

there would be a lot of times where i shot people yeah for sure right yeah i was like wow that didn't go the way i thought it would i i hear you first instinct oh i i'd overuse my power i don't want to hear about your whole bam yeah i was my favorite you ever hear uh and this is this is the kind of cop i'd be they asked dmx one time he got arrested you ever hear the story he got arrested at the airport he arrested for impress impersonating a federal agent

And they were like, how did that, what happened with that? DMX did? Yeah. Oh yeah. So he was like. Was he dressed up like X-Files or what were you doing? So you can buy, my daughters just asked for these. You can buy a.

sirens to put in your car. Oh, yeah. No, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to do it the way DMX did it. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah. And DMX was like, he goes, he was at the airport. He was running, madly for a flight, madly for a flight. And this Asian dude's going mad slow in front of me. So I hit him with the lights. I pulled him over and he didn't pull over. Dude's not respecting my authority. And they're like, but you're not a cop. He goes, yeah, but he didn't know that.

He should have pulled over, so now I had to run him off the road. This is a great story. And they go, but don't you not have a driver's license? And he goes, no, I don't have a driver's license. And they're like, you still drive? And DMX's response was, catch me if you can. Okay, and then it seems like they did. Neat thing about it, got him. Got him. The second part about it, he threw an Asian guy under the bus driving slow? Yeah. You remember OJ in his first interrogation with the police?

No. He throws an Asian driver under the bus too. For real? Yeah. Go watch the whole thing. Dude, can I tell you that documentary blew me away? I always believe in innocence first. Of course. He really killed them. Allegedly. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to get in trouble with OJ. Well, the civil... No, you're not going to get in trouble with the civil courts. But I watched that documentary. It is... It's spectacular. Yeah. It's spectacular. Now, I know the world doesn't need two guys who look like us saying that probably. Yeah. Yeah. But...

Yeah, it's spectacular. I have a buddy who owns a lot of OJ memorabilia. Mm-hmm. When his stuff... And they said, you could buy the glove. I'm just going to wait this one out over here. I'm going to hang out for a second, then I'll jump back in. Well, then the argument would be... But here's what I'm going to say. Okay. Okay. If you're an OJ fan and you really believe that, it's not his glove. Yeah. End of story. End of story. He very clearly said it didn't fit when it... They just said...

He started doing this really weird bit. Don't take your arthritis medicine. And he also started doing this really weird bit where things were just like, oh. It's like what I do with condoms. Oh, dude. No way. It's not working. This will never, ever. If you're going to make me get this on. Yeah. Yeah. The documentary was neat. He's doing weird. He's doing. No one's ever done jazz hands that hard. Yeah. It's like the hardest. It's like the full Bob Fosse. Like, you can't.

Oh, we're going to get, no. That's okay. Nobody, everybody probably, anybody who thinks that like you and me are going to like come here and be like, you know what? OJ got a real bum shake. I don't think that, they're not, they're not watching. No, no, no. They're not. No, they're not. This will never come. It's crazy when you look at all those. It will literally never come up in their feed that both of us are like, eh, seemed, yeah. Oh, I'll get in trouble for crying. I already know. You can highlight what people are going to not like, and I'll get in trouble on this podcast for not hating the female astronauts.

But you made me a slightly better person because I'm like, well, what do I hate about it so much? And the answer is the outfits are cute. Yeah. If they're at your Halloween party, you'd be like, oh my God, you guys are so cute. Like, it's cute. The money wasn't going somewhere else. No, it didn't go. I know it was. It was again. The choice was not books. Yeah. The choice was not like tuberculosis hospital or this. Yeah.

You're making me... No, you're making me really think about it now. I always say, don't underestimate what a Karen we actually are. Like, everyone looks at, like, Karens, and they go, fuck that lady. And you forget that you are a couple cocktails. I know. I'm definitely a Karen a lot of the time. You heard about me doing the guy with the bike stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm rooting for the guy that was going to kill you. Yeah. Yeah. I am...

The only thing that saves me from most Karen moments is that I've had a mic on the majority of my adult life. Well, there's that. And so you recognize that you're, I always feel like everyone's always listening to me. I love Karen videos though, man. I love it. I mean, I just can't stop watching that stuff. My favorite one, have you seen the girl get chokeslammed?

No, it's the best one. Where? State? What part of Florida? I'm guessing. No, no, no, no. What part of Florida? No, no, no. Oh, not part of New York. It's called Karma Karen. Karma Karen. Karma Karen choke slam. Body slam. Just say Karen body slam. Okay. In Toledo. In Toledo. Toledo, Ohio. Is this it? In Toledo, that's it. This is so good.

Oh, no, it's... Oh, my God. I've watched this a hundred times. I already know exactly what this is. I hope she's okay. Oh. This is... No, I've seen it so many times. I fantasize about this kind of shit. How is this kid so good at a body slam? Because this kid's, like, got some moves. Oh, this is from a different angle. I've never seen this angle. No, this is the angle I've seen it from. This kid's, like, got a full jujitsu, and he's just like, the answer is no. It's, like, it's kind of nice when you see somebody just go full Dirty Harry. Yeah. Here he goes. Three, two, board. Oh, smack, and...

You're down. Oh, man. Doctors always say, try to land right here. Doctors always say? Try to let this part of your spinal cord and your brain connect at 300 miles an hour with ice, with Ohio ice.

And pavement. It's crazy. I feel like we've regressed. So when I was raised, you weren't allowed to hit women no matter what, right? Wait, wait. You still are not. Definitely not. Yeah, I know you like sports and everything, but no. But Karen videos like this, we watch and we go, yeah. That's different. Even if you got hit by a girl, a woman. You're supposed to walk it off. Yeah, so I went to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at the Sundome when I was like 17 years old.

And my buddies all got into a fist fight. You're supposed to let girls hit you. And this girl. It is the law. Big tits, blonde, probably 5'10". Starts beating the shit out of me. I mean, is that the girl that got slammed? Again, I'm on her side.

And she got me to a place where I fell in between seats. I couldn't move my arms to get them over my face. And she's just punching the shit out of me. And I'm just scratching, not scratching. Just when I'm like this girl grew up in like fucking Pasco County, like just unleashing on me. And I'm happy for her. And I was like, someone please punch this woman. Someone please punch this woman.

I got the shit kicked out of me by a woman. And then I remember we got out of the fucking Sundome, and they're at their car. What did you do, though? It was... I've never been an instigator on fights. I'm always the guy that makes the smart-ass comment that sets it off. You know? So what was the situation here? I'm sure it was my friends fucking with these older rednecks, and I made the comment of like... I really don't remember that fight. I know for a fact...

I got punched one time. I mean, it was so, so clean. Lambda Chi ATO. We're at Yanni's. This is two days after the officers got acquitted for the Rodney King. And I dropped in. Can't we all just get along? It's just too soon. Maybe it was too raw. And I got punched hard as fuck. Whose side am I on in this one? Two days. Give me a second. Two days after the fucking... Theoretically...

It was so good. Theoretically, it works. I mean, you fucked up by saying it. I go, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys. And I mean, they're in the face. Can't we all just get along? Right after, right after the Rodney came, he had just said it. Man, this is like topical before topical. These are guys that probably hadn't even heard it.

And fucking boom, I got punched hard. You know what? It's weird. You might have been going to get punched no matter what you said. I think I was getting punched. He was just ready for like, here comes this motherfucker. Have you seen this motherfucker with the flip-flops and the thing? I'll tell you the worst one. The worst one. You just added his name out, but his name's important to the story. Can we? Okay. Just when you hear the name, you can picture him. No, no, no. You got to picture him.

I wonder if you can find him online. Anyway, he was a beast. He was our captain of our baseball team, and he is just fucking jacked. He is one of the biggest men I've ever seen...

Cuban, thick neck, huge arms, big chest, big legs, fastest dude, the most natural athlete I've ever seen in my entire life. He's the captain of our baseball team and we are screwing around and he goes, Bert Kreischer, shut your face. And I go, okay, give me a second. Perfect. And he doesn't like it. And he's like,

And he goes, quit being a smartass. Like, well, what's better than being a dumbass? And he comes back and he starts a fight. Me, Sean Kent, Sean Hooker, Troy Kent, Dean Kent, Joe Shwell, and Jimmy Cook all get on this guy and they pull him off us, right? And now it's six of us, okay? One guy. One guy. That's how manly this guy was. So we're all warming up, baseball practice. We're warming up and they say...

Don't worry. He gets like that sometimes he gets hotheaded when he comes out. He's probably gonna just apologize to you You know what he's gonna do. He's probably gonna pull you aside have a talk with you He's the captain the team I was like cool So we all get done warming up and we're walking back into the dugout and outcomes Freddie with a baseball bat and we're like, oh he's probably gonna wanna he's gonna probably ask you to throw some BP to him I was like, okay. Yeah, sure. So then they go we'll give you guys some time So they five walk away and Freddie just comes up and no crap hits me with a baseball bat

In the head? Not in the head. In the arm. I block it with my arm. I have my glove on and I have a ball in my hand. I'm trying to punch him with a ball in my hand. That's a bruise for like a year? One of those deep... It didn't break it. No, no. But it...

Five guys. That's a bruise that's like black, purple. Jump on me and him. You know what's so crazy? In a fight, you don't feel it in the moment. You feel it later. All of a sudden, a day later, you're like, why is my ear hurt? No, I never felt. Yeah, I never felt. In any fight where I got beat up, I never really noticed it. Yeah. You don't notice it. Well, the one thing you notice when you're really getting the shit kicked out of you is that you pee your pants, usually. That's the one thing you notice. You're like, why am I peeing my pants? Oh, because one dude's choking me on the ground, and the other guy is...

Beating me to death this guy beat up six of us. He beat up six of us I don't think I'm not on this guy's side. I think shut your face I think funny stuff should be funny funny. Funny stuff is allowed. Here's the problem. This is thing was something else This is the problem This is why you gotta be really careful whenever you make jokes about MMA guys Because not all MMA guys have senses of humor you think I know for a fact I know for a fact again doctors always say

Fuck with this part of your brain as much as you possibly can. Like, whatever you do, if you're going to fall or hit it thousands of times, make sure it's the frontal lobe, which includes creativity, your name, things like that. Make sure that, like, you just keep fucking, keep it awake with solid bone contact.

You're supposed to get punched. I'm not a doctor. I'm Batman's doctor and also the doctor in Memento. But you're supposed to get a hard concussion to your head in life like once. And I believe my friend who's an actual neuro guy is like, it would be better if you didn't get even that one. It would be better. But for sure don't get a bunch. You got to be careful with MMA guys. You got to know that they have a sense of humor if you're going to make jokes. Because some guys really don't have. They're like, yeah, I didn't.

Do you choose that life if you're like the funniest guy in the room? No. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to see if somebody can knee me in the eyeball. You know what's so funny? Until either he or I die. Joe told me to get into jujitsu because it helps with confrontation. Well, because you feel like...

It probably brings great calmness. I think it's the idea that you touch, like even the idea of like touching another guy and wrestling with them makes me uncomfortable. I go, I'd rather just sit in the corner. The idea is hopefully that you, most things could get settled very quickly. Yeah. I would love just a nice conversation and apology and just go, I'm sorry. I never should have said that. There's been a couple of guys where I like, I'll get texts and they're like, yeah, don't make a joke about that guy. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, cool. Nevermind. Guy's dead to me.

Yeah, that's a different thing, getting in cages to fight and stuff. As much as I love being a dick and also Karen-ing out on people sometimes, but I'm also not a Karen. I don't think. Is this what all Karens say? That they don't think they're Karens? I think so. I think we're all ultimately Karens. No Karens think that they're Karens. They all think that they were the good guy in the story. Yeah, I was in therapy with my wife when we were talking about rage issues. She's going through menopause. Oh, no, I've met her.

No, you, yeah. No, I met her. And our therapist goes, is there something you can say to her in a moment of rage that'll calm her down? And I went, yeah, let me, like a safe word. And I go, okay, like, hey, you're acting like a fucking idiot. Is that a good safe word? She's like, no, that would just make her more mad. I go, everything's going to make her more mad in a rage moment. No one has the wherewithal to be like,

You're right. I'm overreacting. Did you enjoy couples therapy? I love it. Oh, it's good for you. I love it. We just go and the lady basically tells us like, oh, yeah, he's a fucking lot. And you're what are you doing now? You're fanning his fires and he's a thing. He's stopping people on the street and we could do couples couples therapy. He's a fucking

Well, that would be easy. It's like a swap. No, no, no. I go in with you and your wife. It's like a keep party, but you guys go. No, we all go to the same therapist. And we bring our other therapist, and then we all bring, it's like a powwow. It's like an awesome orgy of getting your shit together. Oh, you would love this shit I bring. So we compete in therapy. So we declare a win. I don't think that's a good idea. Yeah.

Uh, again, Batman's doctor, Dr. Memento, we compete in therapy is not, is not what you're, it's no. My therapist, my therapist the other day, uh, literally licensed psychiatrist or therapist. I don't know. What's the question? Uh, can they prescribe medication? Oh, I want one of those. That's a psychiatrist. Fuck. Let's go to a, can you do couple psychiatry? Uh, can you? Hmm. That's a great question.

Where they go, you need Adderall, you need Xanax. This all gets sorted out. You pick the two best recreational drugs just by chance, which I don't think is an accident. Couple psychiatrists and they put you guys on the same drug? Other than straight up ecstasy, you're like, I don't know, what's good? Xanax, Adderall. So can you do couple psychiatry? Probably. Actually, I'm not sure if you can. You can do couples therapy.

You know, you go to couples therapy and it's a lot about you feeling like, well, yeah, oh, great. I'm okay. No, Leanne. Everybody's mad at me. Leanne trains for him. Oh, she's ready. She has a therapist just so she can win couples therapy. Again, the win thing. Do you know what she did the other day? She goes, we have therapy tomorrow. And I said, nice. And she goes, you're going down and then did double guns. That's not the way. Verbatim, not the way that's supposed to go.

That's just not, there's no way that's the way that's supposed to go. I smoked her so fucking hard this last therapy. This is not what you're supposed to be doing. She brought up one that she thought she was going to win. I'm just glad that we are not mad at those space origin ladies. I think that's a great way to close this podcast out. I think that, now who's the next, like, who's the next? Going to space? Yeah. It's got to be someone uncancellable, like 50 Cent. Logically, logically, if this was the ladies group,

I think the next group is Aerosmith. They're going to say Arabs. Just from Arabs. Aerosmith. I think it's Aerosmith. Who's the weirdest? It'd be fun to do like the who's the male equivalent to each of these. Like what? Who is the weird one? We could do that very quickly. Oh, my God. Who is the male equivalent to Gail King? Gail is Neil deGrasse Tyson, except he's an actual physicist. But he's also on TV a lot.

Who's the other judge? Don Lemon. Don Lemon. Don Lemon. Who's the other Judge Judy who's a guy? Oh, Judge Joe Brown. Yes. Judge Joe Brown is one. Okay. Okay. We're filling our perfect new spaceship. Okay. Judge Joe Brown. Oh, my God. I'm taking it. Kid Rock. I think we're nailing it. This is a home run. This is the best. By the way, I like this. Yeah, I like this draft. Hang on. Space draft. Are we doing all dudes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Okay, all dudes. I mean, I think you got to put...

So you need someone who's like a super, super, super liberal. God, I wish Pete Rose were alive. Anderson Cooper. Oh, okay. Is he your gal? Yeah, he's probably a gal. He's your gal, right? Or Al Roker. Oh, that's so perfect. Al Roker would be great. Of course it's Roker. Al Roker would be great. And it's the same suit and everything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets off and he does the same, the whole... Kid Rock, Al Roker, Judge Joe Brown. We need an Asian guy. Literally, can I give the... Is there a GoFundMe? Bobby! Bobby!

We send Bobby Lee. Well, there's actually none. Then it gets good. Bobby's actually great. If you send Bobby. No, it's too good. It's too good. We got to dial it way, way, way, way, way back. Let's go way off. We don't want top shelf hilarious. What? Ken, Ken Jeong. Ken's also really funny. And he's a doctor though. So he could be like, he'll test tampons. I know, but he's too, he's too legit. Yeah. You need Asian. Oh, what about Scott Lynn, the basketball player, Jeremy Lynn?

Don't know him perfect. Okay, yeah. Jeremy Lin, and he's just an advocate for something. Just rando. Yeah, we get randos. And then you need a trust wife, like Lauren Sanchez. Oh, Stedman. Is Stedman still on the scene? Is he alive? No, he's alive.

I just noticed that nobody talks about him anymore. Yeah, whatever happened to Stedman? He definitely got sort of like, you know that thing at a Japanese company where they don't fire you, but they keep moving you into the darkness and like they put you somewhere weird where you're just looking at a wall and they're like, oh, you're not fired. You just don't, you're not in the sunshine anymore. We'll just let you be. We sent Jesse Itzler.

Remind me. You know Jesse Itzler? Remind me. His wife created Spanx. He's an entrepreneur, but he'd be a good guy to go. He created, and he's like, he had David Goggins. There's a solid argument that what Spanx has done for the world, was it a good thing? There's a, I mean. No, no, visually. Visually, yes. Visually, yes. It is crazy when you get your wife naked and she has Spanx on, and you're like, that's what that was? That's what that was. It is crazy. Because you'll see people and you're like, you are, what the, this is.

It happens on a lot of bridesmaids. Where you're like, all these ladies seem like very normal. Yeah. Yesterday, we had to go to that weird lunch and everybody was normal. Now, nobody's normal. No. No. I saw my wife put in... Everybody's got an exoskeleton. Yeah. A sexoskeleton, let's call it. It's a sexy exoskeleton. But it feels like, yeah, it does feel like you're going to get a lot of like... I mean, you know me. Even in my shorts, it's like Pillsbury. You know when you open the crescent rolls and it... Yes. Yes.

I got a male spank top that held your chest in and your stomach in. And it worked until someone touched you and they're like, did you just have surgery? And you're like, no. I get a lot of weird ads that are like, your man boobs are ruining your life. And I'm like, what? How does my phone know that? I don't know.

I think I have body dysmorphia in the right way, in the wrong way, where I look at my body and I go, nice. And then I'm like. Oh, that's great. And then everyone's like, not nice. I saw my wife putting on lotion naked today. And I thought to myself, that's what a woman's supposed to look like. Mm-hmm.

But I go, that's not what they put it out there. And I thought Peter was going to... They put it out that you need a sexoskeleton. Yeah. Yeah. You put that woman in Spanx, she looks like a fucking... I mean, she looks good already, but like, put her in Spanx and it's a different fucking piece. Mm-hmm. No, it's a very different thing. That's what I was wondering. Is it a great thing that's happened to the world? I know. We should all just be cool with our bodies. Mm-hmm.

It's a great question. But also, I want to find out where you make the men's thing that does this. I got it at, there was a store in a mall that was made for television. You ever seen that? What's it called? I've seen it on TV. I've seen it on TV. It's called literally something like I've seen it on TV. I've seen it on TV, and I bought it in there, and I was like, this works so well. Yeah, it's just weird products that they can't legally sell anymore because something happened. I wore it with a collared shirt because that's when my stomach always is a problem, in collared shirts.

And I gave a guy a hug and he's like, oh, whoa, what happened? Whoa. What are you talking about? And he's like, did you have surgery? I was like, huh? Because it's hard. It's hard as a rock. Yeah, that's what you want. But the question is, so what's a better idea? By the way, I'm getting to a point where I go, do I open a second bottle of wine? What's a better idea? A pill that makes you feel great about your body or a pill that makes your body great? Ooh, that's a great ethical question.

I think there's zero question. And here's why this is an instant answer. Okay. The one that makes you feel like it's great because no matter how great your body gets, you won't feel good about it. Okay. And here's a quick story I'm going to tell to that end that I think tells a lot about human nature. Okay. So I was in a movie a long time ago with Sam Waterston. You know Sam Waterston? Workingest actor in the history of the world maybe. Sam Waterston. Hundreds of movies. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know who he shows?

And I was walking across the Paramount lot because I was working on something with Ed Helms. And I'm walking with Ed and I see Sam Waterston's coming the other way. And I'm like, Sam! He'd played my dad in a movie. And he's like, Tom! He was great. And he saw me with Ed. He's like, what are you doing here at Paramount? And I was like, oh, I'm writing a movie for Ed. And Sam Waterston said, when did you quit acting and start writing? And I was like, oh, Sam, I was like, I never...

I was like, I've always been a writer. I was like, I never, I never quit acting. I just said, you know, like acting is just such a, a ruthless career. And Sam Waterson said, when I was like acting as a ruthless career, Sam Waterson said, you're telling me. And I was like, okay, the actor who's worked the most in the history of the world said, excuse me. What I said was acting is an unreliable profession. And he said, you're telling me.

And I was like, okay, you've literally worked every day that I thought. So like, no matter what level you think you're at, if you're doing it right, you're probably going to think that you're not crushing it. You're probably going to think there's a level that you're not at that exists. I only know that because the workingest actor in the world was like, I get it. I was like, oh, yeah.

that's so crazy i feel like that was stand up i always look at people coming off stage that are stand-ups and they go i crushed it i killed it i destroyed and then i'm like wait i didn't feel that oh delusional comics i've never no delusional comics i always walk off stage i was like a little i go straight to facebook i'm like did anybody in cambodia hate the movie please tell me if you hated the movie hated the movie oh everybody hated the movie and a lot of times everybody hated the movie

That's real handy. It's not always hard to find the, yeah. Yeah. Dude, thank you for doing this. You're the fucking best. You are the fucking best. You're like my new favorite friend. Like I really enjoy your brain and I know that you're so different than I am that it's like, it's so fun when, I can't wait. I'm going to watch the following and the Covenant. What's the one with the priests? Conclave. Conclave on the plane. Please put on Man Who Would Be King. Man Who Would Be King. And then let's go do that.

We just go, take all the money, get all the resources. There's got to be a couple countries I could put a pen in. There's some countries where people have never heard of us. Yeah. At all. Until they do. Until they do. And they're like, just someone comes on vacation. Like, can I get a picture with you? And they're like, how did they know who you were? And then they bite your ear and blood comes out. No spoilers. And then they watch our body of work and they're like. These guys are not gods. This is the guy. No. This is the guy that conquered our country. Yeah.

Reno 911. Fuck this guy. He's a bad teacher. Or they fall in love with you once they see your body of work. You create, you all of a sudden. That seems very unlikely. He performs with his shirt off. From Boat Trip? Boat Trip. I'm in Boat Trip. I don't know why we shot it in Cologne, Germany, but we did.

Show business is a struggle, guys. Show business is a struggle. You're telling me. The only easy day in show business was yesterday. You're the best. Thank you for doing this, man. Great fucking episode. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.