Ep. #06: Making a Long-Distance Relationship Work
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Having some like ground rules about relationships, especially long distance relationship, that's really, really important. We will call every night, even if we're like really busy, we will call for like 15, 20 minutes just to like check in with each other to see how the other person is doing. And also I think do not fight over text. After I started dating my boyfriend, I just realized how different one person can interpret the same text.

Hi everyone, welcome to Bei Chao Nan Diao. I'm Melody. I'm Victoria.

Today, we'll be talking about how to keep a relationship going at different stages of our lives, specifically how to keep a long distance relationship going and our viewpoints on that. Our guest today is a dear friend of both of us, someone we met from our previous organization and one of the smartest girls we know and currently happy in a long distance relationship right now. Welcome, Ashley.

Hi everyone, I'm Ashley. I'm now 21 years old. I'm in college in the U.S. and I have been dating someone in a long-distance relationship for the past nine months. I feel like I'm very much not an expert in this scenario, but I think I'm really, really happy personally and I never thought that I could actually be in a long-distance relationship.

So I would love to share some of my stories with you guys. And then I love Melody and Victoria. And thank you guys for inviting me. So we're really happy today to have someone like in a happy relationship. So we hope like everybody can be in a happy relationship and share their love stories. So Ashley, first question, how did you and your boyfriend meet? And why did you decide to start off this relationship knowing it'd be a long distance relationship? My boyfriend and I met in...

Christmas or Thanksgiving of 2021. So basically that year, year of like 2021, I just returned back to the US after staying in China for like a year and a half because of COVID. And in China, my life was actually very turbulent, like very up and down because I had like a situation with someone for

the summer right before and then he was someone who's like much older than me so he was like we can't date and then it ended kind of badly to me so I kind of

like lost all of my self-esteem when I came back to the States. And I was like, I'm just going to focus on myself for half a year. But then someone recommended this dating app called Hinge, which I highly recommend to everyone, to me. And then she was just like, oh, I met my current boyfriend on Hinge. You should like try to get to know more people. So I just started using it. And then kind of like when I was in New York for Thanksgiving match with my boyfriend,

And it's really funny, like when I first met him, judging from his photos, I thought he was like someone Korean and until he started like speaking Chinese to me. And we found out that like we have really, really similar backgrounds and values. Like, for example, we both grew up in China and then both came to the US when we were like 14 or 15 to boarding school.

And then I feel like on a spectrum of being fully like an ABC, like fully American to being fully, fully Chinese, I feel like we're both somewhere in the middle. So I think that's how our values and the ways we communicate really click. And I feel that we almost also have really, really similar hobbies. We both love singing and then we both are big foodies. So we love exploring restaurants in NYC and BC together.

And I think like the timing actually for us to kick off this relationship was really important. So I go to school and remember like it was like Omicron, like end of 2021. And my school was like virtual for a month. So I stayed in New York City to try to see like what's happening between us. Like does this guy want to like start a relationship with me? So I feel like if it were not for this extra like three weeks that I stayed, I feel like we'd

would not have had so much time to get to know each other and truly know that like we can start a relationship and then finally what's really funny is that the last day when I was in New York he took me to the Empire State Building and I think I knew something was going on because during our second date we're gonna go and then he was just like oh the tickets are too expensive and then this time he's like do you want to go to the Empire State Building and then he got me tickets and then so on top of the Empire State Building he was like do you want to be my girlfriend

And then I was like, yes, of course. And then what's really sad about it is that after that day, I just went back to Georgetown, to DC. And then we immediately started long distance because school started. So that's basically a spiel of how we met. I've talked to so many people about this story because I just love how we met in like an information heavy, digital heavy stage. That's wonderful. Oh my gosh. And so romantic. I'm just like visualizing how he's

Sounds like a proposal, but basically asked you for your hand for to be in this relationship. Yeah. Remember, Melody, like we talked about this before in this time, like people don't really ask this question to like, will be my girlfriend and your boyfriend take it so seriously and take you to like special location, ask you for this. So just from a friend perspective, I just want to ask Ashley. So are you happy?

Yeah, I think definitely. I'm really happy. I'm very content with my life right now because

Okay, one of the examples, I can't stop talking about my boyfriend in front of other people. Every single person in my life right now knows that I have a boyfriend in New York City. Like even like the personal trainer that I just got at the gym knows about my boyfriend. Actually, people don't think that it's annoying. Like they think that it's like really natural and we're really cute together. So that's why we have our own like fan base. And people are like, one of my friends was like, can I be the head of your fan base? Yeah, it was really funny.

And I think like, especially for my close, close friends who saw me growing out of the toxic situation I had in summer 2021, like they know that like I've been through like so much and I was so like not confident about myself. So a lot of people say like, I'm in a very much more like a better condition. Because like before I was always like reaching out to them and be like,

I feel so bad about myself, like, and to cry. And then now they're just like, you're like, really, really happy. Like we can tell just from you talking to us. So I think that's a really good sign. And I think another thing is that, like, I think my boyfriend has been a very good support system for me because there, I see a balance in our personalities. I am a,

Like Victoria knows this. Like I'm a very emotionally volatile person. My boyfriend is always there like a good support system for me. Like he knows when to say something that's like rational and comforting and when to just like goof around. So he's like very, very patient with me when I'm going through this like kind of important stage in my life.

And I think most importantly, like, I don't have to be someone else. Like I can feel that I'm truly accepted because in my past relationships, I've always been struggling about like me not being good enough, me not being like accepted by my other half. But now that I can finally feel that I'm like truly accepted because my boyfriend, he affirms me a lot. He talks to me about and say like, you're so good. Like I'm really happy. Like, so we know that

we're both happy in this moment. So I think that's really good. And I never thought I could like actually do that. I love that for you, Ashley. I'm so happy that you're happy. And then, I mean, I feel like you're literally glowing and it's radiating through the screen right now. Maybe it's the lighting in this room. I'm glad. So how would you say your communication styles are and your love languages are? These are two topics that

we've talked about in previous episodes and would love to hear how you guys have defined that or whether or not it's something that you've communicated about in order for your relationship to be so strong today.

Definitely. I think love languages are so important and I feel that being open about it and being open about your needs is really important in a long distance relationship because sometimes you can't really perceive each other's cues. And in terms of my love language, I think all of them besides gifts are actually really, really important to me. But personally, I prioritize word of affirmation because

As I've talked about, I tend to be pretty insecure about my abilities and my personality sometimes. So hearing about how my other half loves me and respects me for being who I am is really important for me. I also think act of service is really, really valued in my personal opinion. I want my boyfriend to show that he cares about me. For example, back in April, he was feeling really down one weekend and I just immediately ruled

flew over to New York City to like see him and make sure that he's okay. And then he did the same thing for me too, like this year. So I think that kind of like service is really important for me because that, I think that shows that we really care about each other.

I think my boyfriend, I think he really enjoys quality time. We love eating out when we see each other. We love bar hopping. That's how actually we did our most dates at speakeasies in NYC. And we also love exploring museums, doing some kind of activity. So every time we're together, I feel like we're always doing something fun. It's not like you're in a hotel doing a staycation. We always do some kind of activity together.

So it kind of made me insecure because I feel like we can't like have fun together in like a long distance setting. Right. So like how we communicate that and how there's like a slight difference between me and my boyfriend's like love language. I feel like that's something that initially made me like kind of insecure about. But now that we're like more open about it, I think we're doing way better on like communication.

knowing what each other want from this relationship. I know there are like stories like, because long distance relationship is really hard to keep and you are have some like agreement with your boyfriend. Talk about like the pros and cons in your like long distance relationship. I will start with the cons because I feel like that's what most people associate with long distance relationships. I think number one,

Like, I just get so lonely when my boyfriend is not with me sometimes. Like, for example, like going to parties on campus and seeing like other couples like making out with each other in front of me. I'm just like, I'm so lonely. Like, where's my boyfriend? Like, I miss him so much. Other like couples who are not doing it.

you like run into each other on campus where like, you can just like text him and be like, oh, I'm feeling really down. And then he'll just be here like in the next 10 minutes. But for me, like every time we're with each other, we spend like 24 hours like together. Like we just never leave each other. And then suddenly it's just like,

oh, I don't think he's like 100% available for me anymore. So that's actually a con. Yeah. And then also, I feel like I'm really insecure sometimes. And I've actually communicated that with a lot of people. Like if my boyfriend is a really bad example, but like if my boyfriend is not replying to me, I see like hooking up with another girl. Like, what is he doing? Why is he not replying to me? And then sometimes like,

when he's really busy, like during like our video calls, like FaceTime. So he'll be like, okay, actually I need to go to sleep. I like 30 minutes, like a 30 minute mark. And I was like, no, I want to talk to you. So I was just like, what the heck happened? Like, why do you want to cut our like time short? But like afterwards, like,

spending some more time with him over the summer. I know that he's like really, really busy because he's applying to law school at the moment. So I think like we should just be more transparent to each other. So that those are some cons that

I've seen and I think pro as I mentioned like the quality time aspect is really good when you see each other for example like I am currently in New York City and then we went to we've been like bar hopping to our favorite bars going to explore the city I think that aspect quality time

like the kind of like the surprise element when you see each other like you know that like time is really really precious when you're with each other so you try to show I always try to show him like the best version of myself and also I think you you have more things like look forward to I'm going to a concert together with him in two weeks we're going to like Mayday's concert which is really exciting for me so you always have something to like look forward to like I have this app called like

days matter on my phone which is like a countdown for every like important date and I always have this date that says like oh like when we're gonna see each other next time and it just feels so like happy for me when like the date turns like zero or like one because I know that I'll we're gonna see each other again yeah I feel like

she's just like selling this long distance relationship to us truly actually is so in love yeah yeah okay so most of our listeners are already in the workplace they're no longer in college but how do you balance your busy life I mean you still have heavy workload you still have

studies organizations to join on top of this long distance relationship and so how do you prioritize your time and how do you prioritize the relationship to really keep it going and how often do you guys see each other

I think we're really, really, really lucky. So our distance is like, we're on the same coast. We're both on the East Coast. He's in New York City. I'm in Washington, D.C. So if I want, I can just take the next Amtrak out and it'll be like three hours and then we'll just see each other. So right now we try to see each other at least every three weeks. I think now like our frequency is more like every like two weeks at least because I think this year, one of my friends

personal goals is to really find out that what I'm prioritizing at the moment. And I concluded that for this year is to look for a job for the summer and my relationship, because I know this is the last year that my boyfriend will be in college. He's a senior in college. So I know that these two things that I'm prioritizing.

So once I notice, I feel like it's more comfortable for me to choose to give up other things so that I can maintain my priorities. For example, I quit some of my clubs in college just to make sure that I have like ample weekend time so I can travel.

And I think another thing that I think we're both struggling is like how much negativity, like personal negativity you bring to this relationship. Because I'm the type of person who's very vocal about what is happening in my life. Like, for example, if I like, if I messed up an interview, or if I like,

hate this girl at school or something I would just be very vocal about it so I think there was a period of time when my boyfriend and I were both not doing too well I like job search and school and like law school application so during our face time we'd be like oh my gosh I'm so tired I don't want to talk to you like but like share some stuff out I think really it's really important to be like transparent each other and like share your life out and just to be honest and like

ask the other person like how she's doing or like how he's doing. Like there's gotta be something interesting that like you guys can like bond over with. I think like finally like having some like ground rules about relationship, like especially long distance relationship, that's really, really important. We like kind of have a pack with each other. For example, like we have to see each other at least like every three weeks. So that's like one of our packs. And also like if you look at each other's messages, like just reply.

We understand that each other is busy, but if you know that another person is texting you for something, if you see it, just reply. It takes one second. So I think that has made our relationship and our faith in each other more secure.

I just feel like I'm lecturing everyone, but like I'm really not experienced. This is my first long distance relationship. So yeah, take this with a grain of salt to all the listeners. Yeah. I think the texting, all of it, I was like nodding, nodding, nodding, except for the texting one.

where responding right when you see it, maybe because for me, I don't text back very frequently. Like I see a lot of messages that are always popping up on your phone or if your phone is connected to your laptop, like the messages are always popping up. So it's not like I don't see it.

But I feel like I don't respond because I feel like it's going to distract me from whatever is happening at the moment. And so I want to be able to sit down, take an hour just to respond to those messages and be at a place where if a message comes back, I'm able to respond again. Because otherwise, if I respond to this person, then that person is going to assume that I'm available at that moment. You know what I mean? And so I'm wondering for you and your boyfriend,

If you're responding to messages, is it kind of just like, hi, like, like, let's say, Ashley, you sent me a message. So next Friday, what are we going to be doing after the Riverwalk? And I see it. Should I just respond? Hey, as a notification to say, like, I've read it, or should I actually respond to that?

This is something that my boyfriend and I have been like struggled with a lot because we have very, very different texting habits. Like for me, for example, like I'm, I'm going to go into marketing. So it's like a very like fast paced industry. So I'm very used to like responding to the messages like right away when I see them. And my boyfriend being very non technology savvy, he's not really good at responding to messages.

So I think like I got more comfortable because like in a long distance relationship, like you kind of want to know like what each other is doing. So I'm getting more comfortable with me, like just texting him like 10 times in a row. I'll be like, oh, there's a tree at Georgetown. Like, so cool. We're like, oh, Biden came to Georgetown. Here's this motorcade. Like, so cool. And then I'm used to like, just like sharing it and get my like thoughts out without like

him actually replying. And then when he's available, he's going to text me. I feel like I've gotten more used to like

what melody you were talking about and I think responding to it right away it's not like right away I think for our definition right now it's like when you like see it and when you're like available just like respond like obviously like don't text each other during class or like during like an interview or something like that but like if you like see it and you're available like please reply to let the other person know that you're available I think

I think like for girls like "分享" you something like really important every time you see something interesting beautiful just want to share with someone you love or someone you like right it's not not necessarily you want to hear from him like right right away but just like you just probably know like I saw this or like I ate this I just want you know right and I'm thinking of you at the moment which is why I'm messaging you and sharing this exciting moment with you

That's right. I want to ask you for like some tips for like how to run a long distance relationship, even though like, I know this is your first like long distance thing, but like, I think you're doing really well. And like you're two of you are doing together trying to make this better, make this work. I think the first one is very cliche, but I think it's very, very important. Please have some routines with your other half and be communicative. Like for example, like

we will call every night even if we're like really busy we will call for like 15-20 minutes just to like check in with each other and also I think like do not fight over text because I feel like after especially after I started dating my boyfriend I think like

I just realized how different, how differently one person can interpret the same text. The way that he sends messages sometimes, like I just can't get like what he means, but like what he's implying. But for me, I feel like I do a better job at like communicating like my and my emotions over certain words. That's just how we're like different as people. So obviously don't fight over text. Like I think fighting in person,

It's better than fighting over FaceTime than call and text. So if you have a conflict, like work it out, but not over text.

do not leave room for like interpretation. I think that's kind of like going off of what I just said, because like, I think in a long distance relationship, you can't see each other or like look at each other. Like, so you can't like really get other person, like the other person's cues verbally or like physically a lot. So like, do not leave any room for like interpretation and guesses. So like be communicative about your needs.

And then I think another tip is to have something to like look forward to together. Plan your next travel. Like we're going to Cancun together in two weeks and that's been on our radar for a long time. And we're both really excited about it. And then finally, make an effort to see each other. Like obviously don't like,

put your future completely on the other person's like like hands like so those are some of my takes on long distance relationships and please audience take this with a grain of salt yeah I thought it's not only for long distance relationship right like most of them are like whenever just you are in a relationship that's good tips because you you need to communicate with each other you need to be honest with each other just explain yourself don't don't make people like yeah

second guess what you're meaning, right? Just no matter you are in, cause like, even though people are in the same city, it's hard to meet each other. Cause like life's busy, work's busy. So sometimes like, I think for adults life, even though like in the same city, you're having a relationship, you're, if you're not living together, right. That's also feels like long distance relationship. Then you need to know how to like, how often you meet each other and how you work together to make this work. Anything else you want to share?

Yeah, actually, for one thing, to every person who's listening to this right now, like, you will find your true love. For a long period of time, especially after my traumatic summer swing, I hope he's not listening to this. Like, I was like, traumatized. I was like, I will never find love again in my life. But after that time, I really took the time to try to know what I'm really looking for in a relationship. And luckily, met someone who's

willing to offer that to me so I think to truly be in a relationship you have to know like what you want and what you're looking for first let me ask a question how long after you're like traumatized and until you find your like boyfriend

I would say three months. But again, I'm 21 years old. I'm in college as a fast paced environment. So I rebound relatively quicker. So what did you do during those three months to really find yourself and kind of get over that situation? Yeah.

So I was really trying to know what the people are like in my university. So I came into my college thinking that I really need to take some time to find friends. So on the weekends, like bonding with different groups of people and going out for like lunch or dinner, I think I really got to know some of the good friends at that moment. And that's how I built my support system. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's really good advice. I think I did something quite similar because I went to China with my ex because he had found a job there. And so I was kind of like, let me follow you. It's really exciting. We're in our early 20s. Let's do this together. And so I had to really reestablish myself by connecting with the community members there and just like participating in different organizations or just like reaching out to different people in order to kind of

develop a new relationship with China. And so yeah, I think that's a really good advice, finding your support network wherever you physically are. I also want to share about because we're not in a relationship. And I think we're both very happy and how to be happy where you're not in a relationship, like, actually just share it, right? Like, you will find your true love. So while you're waiting, or while you're living yourself, like even in your life, what would you do?

I didn't bounce back as quick as Ashley, like three months, boom, back. But I truly am so happy to be single right now. And it's been a while since I've been single. But

I think like now I am so happy because I've been able to find new hobbies, find new interests, read books, really explore myself and just like meet so many more interesting people. When previously I felt like I was lost.

I'm just stuck in this box identity or box frame because you're like constantly going through this routine with only one other person. I mean, there's definitely still ups and downs for being single, right? Because like there's going to be days where people are going on trips, like weekend trips, and it's like everybody's coupled up and you're like, dang, I can't really go on that trip or I could, but then I would have to find somebody else to share the room with or something. Right.

But I think on a day-to-day basis, it's been really freeing to be single and not feel like I have to compromise for anybody else and not feeling like I need to report to anybody else either. I'm kind of just like responsible for myself. And so it's something I quite enjoy right now in my stage of life. But eventually, I do want to find a lifelong partner who I can love and

do the activities I'm currently doing with as well because I think eventually I'll be quite lovely if I continue living this lifestyle myself how about you Vic I think like we're a lot similar like like we're both enjoying our single life and just trying to find hobbies and reading books like make new friends and like interesting people and also at the same time I feel like you're

You have the time for yourself, right? Like spend time and money on your body, your brain, as well as your face. Like go to the gym and go to the park and hike. There's a plenty of things, even though I'm like, I'm kind of like stuck in China, but like there's a plenty of things you can do. Like even you are just like being single. I'm in a current phase of like change change.

for yourself, not for others. And when you become better for yourself, you're naturally become better for someone else. So happiness is just not, you don't looking for happiness from other people. Just make sure create happiness for yourself. Then you can create this happiness for other people. And yeah, I'm trying to be like, you know,

Okay, let's end our episode with three questions we normally ask our guest speakers. So first one, Ashley, how do you feel right now? I feel great. Honestly, it's so good to see you guys doing this podcast because I know you two are the people that I like really bonded with at the previous organization. So it's so good to like see you guys like and how like you're how well you're doing right now. So I feel great about that. Yeah.

And what is something you are grateful for today? It's very early on in the day. It's like 10 a.m. Something that I'm really grateful for today is I'm with my boyfriend right now. I'm in New York City and I know that we're going to embark on a great day and a great journey with each other today. Other than that, what are you energized about for today? Hmm.

Oh my gosh, like I think everyone's gonna laugh at me, but I have this math midterm for next Wednesday that I really need to study for. So I'm very energized to do that because I did kind of horrible my first midterm. So I'm too cry. Very realistic problem for college adults. Best of luck on that. Thank you.

Right. Well, thank you so much, Ashley, for joining us today on Beit Hanandia, Cultural Collision. It was a pleasure having you on and so happy to connect and have this conversation today. To all of our listeners, stay tuned on Wednesdays to chat with us. We still have so many more exciting topics lined up, as well as some guest speakers who will be joining us. So stay tuned and we'll be chatting soon. Bye. Bye.