I Just Found Out I Have a 27-Year-Old Daughter
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Well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the ancestries and 23 and me and stuff like that, that I have a 28 year old daughter that I've never met. Oh my goodness. You had no idea? No idea. No. Yo, what's up? What's up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney show, taking your calls on your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I'm so glad that you're here.

Real people going through real challenges all over the globe. Let's roll out to Tuscaloosa, Alabama and talk to Mark. What's up, Mark? Hello, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right, my brother. How's things going? I'm just living the dream. What about you? Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're 100% not living the dream. It's fantastic. You guys still struggling after the big, well, we won't talk about college football. All right, so what's going on?

Oh, well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging into ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that that I have a 28-year-old daughter that I've never met. Oh, my goodness. You had no idea? No idea. Wow. No idea.

And one of my family members has met her and talked to her. And she does not want to meet me at this moment. Okay. And maybe never will. And I was just wondering how, you know, I might get through this if she doesn't. Because, you know, I really hate the thought of anybody in the world hating me or not liking me. Yeah. So it's kind of a struggle. Who's the mother? Just one of those...

19, 20 years ago, one night staying, quick things, you know. Man. So how old is this young'un, 20 years old? 28. So it wasn't 19 or 20 years ago, it was 28 years ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, I got you. 29 years ago. Okay. Do you have biological kids? Yes. Okay. What are you feeling right now?

Well, you know, my regular life, I feel pretty good. I have nothing, you know, nothing to complain about that. But, you know, just thought of somebody, you know, thinking that I might be a bad person, you know, and not want to have anything to do with me because something somebody else might have, you know, said to them, you know. So I wouldn't want to meet you if that's what your concern was. Okay. And here's what I mean by that.

Because you would be needing me to make you feel better. I accept. If you told me, I have a daughter, and my heart just expanded. It did. I promise you it did. I want to meet this person. I want to look in her eyes. I want to see what she looks like. I want to know all about her life. I didn't expect this, and here we are. And I missed 30 years, and I got a lot of catching up to do. Then I would be all about that.

Well, I do because when I found out, you know, I felt like there was a piece, something missing for years. And I felt it, but I didn't know what it was. And as soon as I found out, I promise you, I felt it. Have you reached out to her? No, I haven't. I don't know how to. Your family member won't give you the contact info? Not at the moment, no. Why? I don't know. That's stupid.

But, you know, I've done some digging and talked to other people. I do know where she's at, but I don't want to feel like, I don't want to know. Listen, bro. The stalker, the stalkerish thing. You're her dad. Just reach out to somebody out of nowhere, you know, hey, I'm your dad. Yes, yes. Get away from me. Well, give her, at least give her the chance to say that. Okay, so you think I should do that? Are you kidding me? Yes. And I would do it gently.

Because this is probably a huge, clearly is a huge. Okay, number one, I don't fully believe you're a family member. You don't believe that? I don't believe they told me. What kind of scummy family member wouldn't tell you, hey, here's how to get a hold of your daughter that you didn't know you had? What a control freak of a jerk. That's lame, man. I'm mad on your behalf. That's number one. But forget all that. Maybe let's pretend this family member is telling the 100% truth.

Yes. It don't matter. You know how to use the internet. You know how to call somebody, hire somebody for crying out loud. You have a daughter out there. Yes, I do. Like I said, I know where she's at. Okay. Here's what I would say. I've looked. I would start with a letter, and I would be- But I do not have an address to send it to. I think you'll deliver it to her front door, dude. I don't know exactly where she lives. Okay, then hire a private investigator. Within 24 hours, you'll have all that information. It's going to cost you $1,500. Okay.

Okay, so you don't think you believe I need to reach out and not be scared to do it? Bro, this is your daughter. But if you go in there and say, hey, the thought of you being mad at me, I just couldn't live with myself, then I wouldn't even acknowledge the letter. Right. If you sent a letter that said, I just found out the wildest, most amazing news. I have a daughter that I haven't met for 30 years, and I didn't even know you were here.

We found out through 23andMe. I'm stunned as you probably are. I don't know what stories you've heard about me. Here's about my life. I feel like another chamber in my heart just opened up. And I feel like I got a lot of catching up to do, but I also realize this throws a huge grenade in your life. Here's my contact info. Here's my cell phone number. I don't know how to do this right because I've never had this happen. So I don't want to smother you. You see what I'm saying?

Right, and that's another thing. I just don't know how to do it. Lead with that. There's not a roadmap for how do you say hello to a 30-year-old child of yours that you didn't even know you had because you had a one-night stand, and your partner that you had a one-night stand with just didn't tell you? Right.

And I would put clear in the letter, not trying to CYA already, but put it in the letter, I had zero knowledge that you were around. And if you can go back to the date, I had a one-night stand. Oh, I know the date. I know where it happened. I put that in there. I had a one-night stand, and I've come to find out 30 years later that I've got a baby girl, and my front door is wide open.

Okay. And I also realize you have your own life, and if you don't want to talk to me, I understand. I'll be heartbroken, but I want to honor and respect you. Well, that's what I needed to hear. I just needed a little push. What are you nervous about, man? Man, I'm always nervous about everything. How come? I know why my whole life. Are you nervous with your own kids? Sometimes. Okay. It's okay to be nervous about stuff and be anxious about stuff. I'm that way. But...

If you need to today, Mark, do me a favor. How old are your kids? Well, I've got a 22-year-old son and another daughter that's 27. Okay. Call them today and say, hey, your old man's nervous, and I'm kind of an anxious guy, but there's one thing I'm not anxious about, and that's how much I love you.

Oh, I tell them all the time how much I love them. They have no doubt how much I love them and my grandkids. Do they know about this other person? Yes, they do know. What'd they say? They're tickled. Yeah. They didn't say, dang, Dad, getting around back in the day. Well, that's what my wife said. Yeah. I'm just telling you, man, go storm the gates for your daughter.

Well, that's what I needed to hear. Thank you. Yeah, you betcha. Hey, will you do me a favor? If she reaches back out, will you holler and let us know? I sure will. Thank you. Let us know how it ends. And if you're on the other end out here somewhere and somebody knocks on your door, sends you a letter and says, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm your sibling. I'm your dad. It blows up your life, I know, but consider reaching back out. This world needs more coming back together than it does anymore blowing up things and moving further apart.

When we come back, we're going to hear from a woman who's wondering if she's in a relationship that's real or if it's just a booty call.

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Hey, John. I'm super, super excited to be talking to you. I'm excited to talk to you. What's going on? Well, before I get to the question, I do want to put a shout out there. You've been walking with me for the last two years as I navigated a divorce after 27 years, and my sister turned me on to your show. So I just want to say thank you. Thanks for being with us. Sorry about your divorce.

Well, you know, I'm a better me now. Awesome. Awesome. But

But I wanted to, I especially wanted to let your listeners know when you talk about treating it like a business transaction and when you talk about not talking bad about your ex to your kids, you're 100% accurate. And so on this side of things, having done it that way, I don't have any messes to clean up. I have a great relationship with my kids. I've lost 80 pounds and I'm in some of the best physical conditions.

and mental well-being of my life at almost 50, well, 50 years old as of yesterday. Lee, you're a gangster, dude. It's all due to you guys helping out. But my question is- Hey, if you keep getting older, you're going to be as old as Kelly one day. Well, you know, it's not a bad thing. I'm excited to be 50. I've been running around with fabulously 50 on my car, so. That's amazing. All right, so how can I help? What's up?

Well, I kind of dipped my toe into the dating pool about six months ago using an app, which was great.

It was good and bad. And it was an incredible six months, and I feel like I wouldn't trade it for the world. I grew a lot. But I found that when we had our times together, we shared weekends together, it was incredible. It was peaceful. There was great conversation, all of that.

But then the in-between times, he would go completely silent. And I know you talk a lot about behavior being a language, and it just got to the place where after 30 days of not hearing at all from him, I decided to call it. And that was very hard. And I'm about a week out grieving all of that. But I just am struggling with a woman at my age. I feel great where I am in my own life.

But I want to share life with someone, and it's not easy to know how to do that. Yeah. So, wait a minute, Lee. You said you dipped your toe in it. It sounded like you went all into it. It was pretty great. Okay, so what was it like being with somebody new after being with somebody for 27 years?

Well, totally different than what I was used to. He smelled so good. And I know that sounds weird, but he did. Gross. And so just, yeah, he's totally different personality. He's very calm and secure in his life. He was 12 years older than me, which was also kind of weird. But. So he's still married?

The guy that I dated? Uh-huh. No. What was he doing during the week? He had been divorced also. Where he wanted to avoid you? I don't know. I really don't. We lived about 45 minutes apart, so...

He's a monitor on a school bus just as a way to hang on to benefits until he can retire from a very good job. He's very secure financially. Everything's paid for and he has a good retirement account. So it was everything that, you know, on paper you look for, especially later in life. But I don't know. I don't know why he went quiet. It could be that I was too much for him. Yeah.

It could be that he wasn't really ready to commit to anything. I don't know. He committed to some pretty wild weekends with you.

Low key, but yes. Yeah, I mean, all we ever did was just kind of hang out together and watch TV and enjoy each other emotionally and physically. Ew. Ew. I know. That was healing for me, though, because I honestly thought I was broken for a really long time. No, I know, I know, I know. So...

Let me circle all the way back. What's your question? I guess I struggle with...

I know it sounds weird, but I struggle with putting myself out there. I love people and I love meeting people. And I have no problem on a casual level. Just like the girls at my coffee shop, they all know me and I know them and all of that. But to take it to another level, other than using the dating app, I really would like to try something different. And I just don't know where to do that.

I think. Wait, go ahead. I feel childish even just asking the question, but. Okay, why? Probably because I grew up in a religious culture that you did not date unless you absolutely planned on getting married. And you didn't do that until you at least were out of high school. Okay, you're 50. Let's just call that. I know. Let's just call it. Okay, you're free.

Yeah. You're free. And... But I don't know how. I know you don't know how. And in a over-sexed dating culture that's just gone insane, you're going to get yourself hurt. And you know that. Yes. Yes. And so there's a balance between like...

Some guy has to call your dad and court you or whatever that wildness is and whatever. Right. And has to come over to your house in a covered wagon with a staff and be like, I knock three times for four goats. I don't know what happens. Like, there's that. Yeah.

And then there's like 50 year old Lee, like out here on Broadway in Nashville in a pedal tavern all by yourself in boots and like short jean shorts just going, I'm fabulous in 50. And you're just rocking it onto the break of dawn. There's a balance there too, right? Yes. And so I think, and can we just, can I like be super direct? Yes. You kind of just got your heart broken. I did. You did. And so trying to fab 50 over that, that sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. You had a picture of, I'm going to be careful this time, and I know what I'm looking for, and I'm going to date carefully. And you ended up hooking up with Dan, the bus driver. And you became a weekend booty call. And you're like, no! He has a retirement account. Yeah. Yeah.

And then he just ghosted you all week until he wanted some weekend, what'd you call it? Emotional and physical. He smelled nice. Right? Okay. So here's the thing. Here's what I want you to do. A, don't pretend that your way of navigating the world, which is kindness, laughter, and what's the right word? Bubbliness.

That is both your way of navigating the world and that's both your way of protecting yourself from the world. Fair? Yes, very fair. You smile and things away, right? Yeah, I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs first. That's right. And that's why I would love to hang out with you because you're awesome. And I would leave feeling better about myself, which is cool.

Right? It's both and. So I don't want you to pretend that your outgoingness and your kindness and your fun with the people at the coffee shop is the same thing as letting your heart get trampled by some guy for a quarter of a century. And then you decide to put yourself back out there. Those are two different things. Okay. Okay? I want you to protect your heart with the seriousness that it deserves.

And how do we do that? We're going to start with what are non-negotiables for me. And burning down your childhood will not give you peace. No. And I recognize that, yeah. Looking at your childhood and saying this, some of the stuff was nonsensical. Some of the stuff was idiotic. And some of the stuff I actually buy into now. I agree with it. And so saying, here's going to be my rules about sex. Here's going to be my rules about dating. If you don't call me in three days, I'm moving on.

And I get to move on because I've been in unsafe relationships for a long time and I'm not doing that again. And I get to have my heart broken and I get to be sad and, and, and. Does that make sense? It does. It does. And I've recognized a lot of that. I really kind of deconstructed the way that I was raised and brought it down to kind of the foundations of what I want to hold on to and what I want to let go of. Perfect. Perfect. And then...

I guess one big thing I've heard at least, I wish it wasn't this way, but it still is, is that like the rules are all different now. Oh man, they are. They're just all different. And so it might be that you got to ask somebody out if you see them and like them. I love, love, love that you're getting off the apps. I think they're catastrophic. I think there's such a disaster. But also then you're like, okay, what am I supposed to do? Just ask a stranger out in the coffee shop? Yes. Or where do you work? Do you work, Lee?

I do. I've been a massage therapist for the last 16 years. Okay, don't ask anybody at work at all. No, no, no, no. It's unethical. Now I'm the director of education for a massage school. Okay. So is there a possibility to meet somebody at work? No. Not at all?

Not at this school. Okay, not at this school. You answered that quickly, so I trust you. It's putting yourself in positions, whether it's at a local church, whether it's at the YMCA, whether it's at your local coffee shop, whether it's at your office, at places where you can meet people and you can have a joint interest and you can say, hey, let's go get coffee.

And I've been looking at things like cooking classes and different things that I think would be a lot of fun. I just am a little limited in my area. It's a pretty small town. So go do it all. Yeah. And don't do it for Lee. Don't do it for some perceived ROI. Yeah. The greatest dating advice I'm hearing on the streets these days is,

is don't hit the streets looking for the right person. Hit the streets to make yourself the absolute best version of yourself possible. Otherwise, you end up squashing, you end up selling out, you end up compromising in ways that you don't like, you end up trying to become something you're not because your end goal is trying to catch somebody.

Yeah. The other side of that is knowing, dude, I am lovable as I am. I am marriable as, and I'm going to make myself the best version of myself. What does that mean? I always want to take cooking classes. I'm going. I always want to take karate classes. I'm going. I always wanted, I'm going to start volunteering at the library and reading to little kids because I love watching them laugh.

You see what I'm saying? And it's going to feel like there's not an ROI on that. And when you're in those environments and you see somebody and y'all double take each other, one of you has to have the courage to say, Hey, I think you're handsome. You go get coffee with me. Oh, that's a little daunting. Of course it is. Of course it is. It can't be, it cannot be more daunting than making out with a bus driver. Well, you know, I,

Dude, I used to drive a bus, so I'm just joking. That wasn't as professional. I know. I'm just playing. Seriously, I used to drive a bus for extra money. I have high, high respect for bus drivers. But here's the thing. 100% of your next steps are going to be awkward, and they're going to be full of risk, period. Yeah. All of them. And so do you want to risk? What I'm about to say is going to sound harsh, okay? And I know that. I'm kind of being provocative, but do you want to risk being 70%

and alone with a story that I didn't, I didn't, I just didn't want to be awkward. Or do you want to take a shot at having some adventures with the cooking class and starting a lawn mowing business? And I'm just making stuff up, but like, I don't know. It'd be hilarious to be the massage, massage and lawn. So whatever. I don't know. But like, like, do you want to get out there and live this wild, fun life? Cause you only get one shot.

and I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to ask you out. And I'd rather be 70 and be like, dude, I asked that to everybody, and they all said no. I hate men. Then I would join you in that. But my belief is if you're putting yourself in these situations at 50, you don't have any kids, you can go do stuff on weekends, you can go have some fun, you can go have these amazing things, amazing life-giving moments that that's where you're going to make eye contact with somebody, and that's when one of you has to have the courage, and at this point, it's probably going to be you.

Yeah. I wish that wasn't the case, but I think that's going to be the way it is. Well, and I want that. I want to be able to grow that way. I've spent the last two years really exploring my own boundaries in living, I guess you could say. Absolutely.

and enjoyed broadening my, my horizons and everything. It's that one. One still makes me pretty nervous. Yes. Let that nerve. You would, there'd be something weird with you if you weren't nervous. I'm nervous for you. Like I'm cheering for you so hard, but I'm nervous too. Like, Oh gosh, hope she doesn't ask somebody out and he's mean to her. Like I'm nervous for you too. Yeah. But, but, but what, what are you more nervous about? It's just choose your heart.

It's really hard to be 50 and want to have a companion just ride or die and to not have one. That's really hard. And it's really hard to go take a cooking class by yourself and sign up for hot yoga by yourself and to see somebody and say, hey, would you like to go get a drink? That's hard too. Both of those paths are hard. The question is, which heart are you going to choose? Yeah.

And the hardest of all these things is really saying, this is who I want to be in my back half of my life, values-wise, and I'm not going to budge from these. And then here's some of my beliefs, and I would love to have them challenged by somebody new and exciting. Does that make sense? It does. Can I tell you, I'm rooting for you so, so much. Thank you. Oh my gosh, Lee, I'm rooting for you. You have to, have to call us. You have to call us when you get some magic date.

I can't wait. I'm excited for you. But write down those things that you believe and those things that you value. Sign up for a few cool things, a couple of cool classes. And by the way, take a woodshop class. I don't know. Or pottery. Remember Ghost? Kelly is always singing that song. Oh, my. We're like, Kelly, we get it. We get it. Actually, you've never sang that song. But she does walk around and be like, you guys want to make pottery together?

Oh my gosh. Lee, you're my hero, dude. I love you. All right. Next, we hear from a man who received a letter from his mom after two and a half years of them not talking. We'll be right back.

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Hey, how's it going? Dude, rocking on to the break it down brother. What's up with you? I'm sitting in a parking lot outside a factory talking to you. That's not creepy at all. Not at all. Not at all. What's up, man?

So I'll just jump into it. It was a little over two and a half years ago when I last had any significant communication with either one of my parents. And it was about three or four weeks ago now that I got a letter kind of out of the blue from my mom just saying, hey, what have I done? Can you help me?

I want to talk to you. And is it okay if I reach out and talk to your daughter? So it's her granddaughter that, I mean, nobody in the family has had any communication with my parents for like two and a half years. What happened? It was, it was a long time coming. So I was one of the guys that makes you mad when he doesn't stand up to his parents and just kind of is just kind of like,

I'm going along trying to keep everybody happy, letting my wife take the brunt of it. That was me for the first, and I've been married now for a little over 20 years. So she beat up your wife a lot. It was never proving.

Oh yeah. It was, I mean, before we even got married, she made the statement, one of these days, um, your wife's going to come between us. Um, and it was just, it was, it was, it was bad. But my mom on the other hand said, Hey, if you y'all ever break up, we're, we're, she's moving in with us.

You're on your own. So yeah, very, very good. Dang, dude. Wow. Okay. So what was the big event? Something happened two and a half years ago that you just said, we're done. Yeah. It finally came to a head. So my parents live about 13 hours from us. They'd come down to visit, um, cause they do that every once in a while. So they came down to visit and then, um, we were, they came to a show. Um, my, my wife and my mom, um, at that point in time had almost,

almost no communication. Um, my wife would like cordial saying hi. And that was about it because she was sick and tired of being ripped apart. And we were trying to just like get along for the sake of, I don't even know what at this point, but they came down, watched a show, then went to, um, an archery tournament with, um, that my daughter was shooting in. My wife and son were sitting in the bleachers and my mom was cheering for my daughter. Well, the way they shoot archery in this particular event is quiet. So my son just looked over and said, Hey Nana, I've,

we don't cheer. It needs to be quiet while they're shooting. So my mom thought my, thought my wife put my son up to saying something and she got mad.

And she pouted and sulked and just made everything really like awkward. Then the next day we had a soccer game. My son was in and my mom sat on the sidelines, crocheting and knitting for the entire game. Didn't even, didn't even look up once game was over. They were getting ready to leave. Um, and my son came off the field and he came off crying and I'm like, what's wrong? And he said, man, I didn't even pay attention. She doesn't even care. Um, and it was building that, um,

Um, my mom played favorites. My daughter was a favorite. And since my son was on the spectrum, man, she couldn't communicate with him comfortably. So she just kind of didn't. Um, and everybody in the family saw it. So, and, and I let it go. So I got on that one. I let it go, but it got, it came to a head that day. And I just walked up to him and I said, before we try and say this goodbye, we'll,

We got to talk because my son's really upset. And at which point in time, she's like, well, what do we do? And I said, well, this is what happened. And she goes, I don't need this effing crap. Got in the car, slammed the door. And then they drove away. A couple days later, I tried to have a phone conversation with my dad. And all he did was yell at me and tell me how much of a problem my wife is and how horrible of a person I am.

So I backed away from that conversation and just, I ended up sending him an email saying, listen, if we're going to go forward, we need help. We need to get somebody, we need to get professional. We need to get a professional involved because we can't talk this out on our own. His response was, well, if you can't talk to me, a counselor is not going to do any good because I'm asking you the same questions they are. And I just said, that's what it's got to be. And the last message I got from him was have a good life. Dude, I'm sorry, man.

I mean, on a positive note, the past two and a half years. They've been amazing, huh? Absolutely freaking amazing. Yeah. I mean, I've been in therapy for a year and a half and my wife and I, I mean, we're finally building our marriage because her parents aren't any better. We haven't had any communication with them in close to a decade after my father-in-law threatened to kill me. Yeah.

So it's just us on an island. Can we all just call out it's not supposed to be like that? Yeah. I didn't realize it until recently. Yeah. And can we also be honest, just son to son and guy to guy, God almighty, it'd be awesome if your dad picked up the phone and just said, hey, I see that you're raising an amazing daughter and special needs son. I'm really freaking proud of you.

That'd be great, but that call will never come. I can't wait for it. No, I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. But it's both and, right? Yeah. Like, it's been a... It hasn't been a great couple of years. It's been a drama-free couple of years, which right now feels great. I would agree with that. I hate this for you, dude. So what did your mom's letter say? It just said, hey, I...

I've been going through feeling like I've lost my son. She, she did. Yeah, absolutely. But, but she also wanted to say, I don't, I don't know what happened. I don't know what we've done. I've tried to ask your dad and he won't talk about it. Um, I would forward the email that he sent back. Okay. Well, let me say two things. One, you do not have to have conversation. And that's what I've been even debating on. I have a rule in my life that I only have conversations like this with people who can hear them.

And I only speak to when I can be heard. I don't speak to just have spoken. That's why when events happen in the world, I don't comment on this show very much because people can't hear it. They don't want to hear an opposing side or they just want to mind what you just said for are you on my team? Do you hate the right people? That's why I avoid it all.

And so I've been, I learned that from you and I've been, I've been, I've been actually implementing that in my life and it's, it's been, it's been good. Yeah. I mean, nobody cares. Like, right. I don't want to speak just so I can be like, I was on this team now, unless it's some like grave injustice and then I'll speak my mind on it. But I, yeah. So if you don't think they can hear you, the fact that she's saying, I don't know what happened. I feel like I lost my son. Like, yeah, you told me to F off and you closed the door and drove away.

And then when I called back out, dad told me to have a good life. Yes, you lost your son. You told me to leave like directly, not even behaviors of language. Like you told me to leave. And so if there's some, if there was a letter that was like, oh my gosh, I realized I pit you against your wife. I was wrong. Like I realized X, like I messed this up and I want to start from ground zero. I would honor that. I would. And I might be a sucker, but I would honor that.

But even just you telling me what that letter says is more of like a backwards, like, I don't know what happened. I just don't know what happened. And my guess is that's kind of her move your whole life. Oh, absolutely. She throws a grenade and she's like, what? Oh, that was it. Yeah. Like she tells you your wife, and that's just Gaslight 101, right?

I realize that now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. It was, I mean, I thought I had a normal childhood, but yeah, a year and a half of therapy is kind of opening my eyes. There's nothing better than a therapist that goes, hey, that's not supposed to happen like that. And you're like, oh, thank God. Really? Yeah. Dude, it's your call based on that letter. I don't, I'm not super optimistic. If you want it. Neither was I.

Because, I mean, the thing is it didn't say anything about

My wife or my son. It literally was, I feel like I've lost my son. And can I talk to my granddaughter? Yeah. Same old. I talked to my, I talked to my daughter about it and she's like, uh, she's going to have to like apologize to everybody before I'm interested in talking to her. How old is your daughter? I thought it was 19. Okay. So she's old enough. Yeah. She gets it. Yeah. She's 19. My son's 16. Yeah. And I bet she's a fierce defender of him too, isn't she?

Yeah. Yeah, you don't mess with her brother. I freaking, dude, I gotta tell you, one of my favorite people on the planet is older siblings or younger siblings with a special need, brothers and sisters, that are just walking around with a knife saying, I dare you. I dare you. Dude, I love that.

Good for her, man. Like, hey, yeah, grandma, if you want to be my friend, you're going to have to say sorry to my brother. That's awesome. And it's not helpful and it's not respectful, but it's awesome. You get the difference. Oh, absolutely. Here's the thing I want you to be weary of, and I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you in this situation, I probably would not reach back out because it's the same old, same old. And even that hint of, I feel like I've lost my own kid is making it your fault.

And I don't know what I did. It's always been my fault. Exactly. And so the thing I just want you to be weary of is no matter how much healing you do, the fantasy of that phone call coming is always going to be there. There will always be a seat at your table for one of those demons saying, but maybe this is the call. And it's simply not going to come. And if you've listened to this show for more than five minutes, you know, I believe in redemption and people changing more than anybody else. That call is not going to come.

Yeah. And so the fantasy, you want it to be an olive branch so bad. And let's be honest, dude, nobody likes the thought of their mom just hanging out to dry, sitting at home. Of course she misses her son and I feel bad about that, but it's not your job to circle back and become a Xanax for her. You've been making her feel okay for your whole life. It's just not your job. It's her job. Yeah. I don't know, man. That's the best I can give you, man.

I'll support you whatever you want to do. I think just the fair and honest and right thing, both for your wife, for your daughter and your son, and then for your parents. And nobody's going to take my decision to treat people with dignity and respect, even if they don't respect me back. Um,

is if you do reach back out, with that communication comes a roadmap. Here's what must be true for us to have relationship. And if you want to take these steps, my front door is open. And if you don't, then you are choosing with your actions, with your behavior to not be in relationship with us. And that's what that's going to be. Golly, it breaks my heart. I'm so sick of families breaking up. Just breaks my heart, man. When we come back, I'll answer one of your money and marriage questions. We'll be right back.

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Rachel Cruz and I are hosting another money and marriage getaway over Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. All new stuff. In fact, we were just talking through it the other day and it's going to be off the rails. It's a weekend here in Nashville. It's two and a half days. You pack up, you get some babysitters and you fly across the country. You drive and you spend a whole weekend with me, Rachel Cruz, some special guests, some fun friends of ours, some neighbors, some...

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pretty much next year. We know that, but it just sells out so fast. And so if you've got birthdays coming up, if you've got summer vacation stuff and you're not gonna be able to go and you just want to buy tickets, or if you already want to get Christmas presents early, February 12th through the 14th, put on your calendar 2026. Early bird tickets are $749. Prices will go up, so get your tickets now. Two and a half days in Nashville, Tennessee. It's gonna be just so great. It's so fun, man.

All right. Here's the money and marriage question at money marriage. One of the cool things is you get access to me and Rachel tons and tons of Q and A's so that you leave with your questions answered. And we have some anonymous boxes in case the question you want to ask is pretty tough. Um, although some people ask us some pretty direct questions, just, just live. Oh, have you, you heard some of the, some of the questions people ask, just stand up there and ask.

Should we circumcise our son? You're like, okay, I guess we're doing this. I guess we're doing this one. Yeah, people ask some questions that I'm glad that they feel comfortable enough to ask, but that I was shocked to find out that they were asking them just in front of everybody. But that says a lot, that they're comfortable enough in the room, and that's pretty awesome. Yeah, we do work pretty hard to make it a comfortable place for people just to drop their shoulders a little bit. All right, here's a question.

Can you provide some tools to help my wife when she feels like a burden? Sheesh, this is a really big question because...

It could be all over the map. Somebody could be struggling with major depression. Someone could be struggling with catastrophic anxiety. It could be all kinds of things people are wrestling with. They could be struggling with some sort of addiction disorder, any number of things going on with somebody. And so they know every time they walk into a room that everyone has to bend their world to make space for them. So that's number one. Number two, and this is the one I'll spend most of the time on,

Maybe your wife has just learned. I'm not going to ask for help because he rolls his eyes. I'm not going to ask for help because he goes, I'm not going to ask for help because he's always coming in talking about how tired he is and exhausted he is. And everybody at work is always nagging him. And then he plops on the couch and grabs a beer and turns the TV on, or he just sits there on his phone or he disappears into the bathroom for a 45 minute pseudo dump. Even though he's no human can go to the bathroom for 45 straight minutes. There's just not that much chacha. Your small intestine is not that big.

but they just go hide inside their own house, inside their own bathroom. And a wife just learns his life would be better if I just left him alone, which over time becomes, I feel like a burden. Or it may be that she doesn't want to reach out to friends for help, or she doesn't want to go to a counselor because money's tight right now. And, and, and, and all of this stuff is this idea that the world would be better off without me.

Almost always this is a story that comes from childhood. When a parent said, my gosh, this is so expensive. My life was so fun when you weren't here. Do you have any idea how much fun we had before you were born? Do you know how expensive college is? You're wasting my time. I cannot believe you didn't make straight A's. It's some kind of story that somebody learns early on that their role is to make sure everybody else is okay. Their role is to just put their head down and be a small child.

And then when you become a spouse, a wife or a husband, then you're carrying half the weight of this family. And some, in fact, you're never carrying half the weight. Sometimes you're carrying 20% and that's all you got. Sometimes you're carrying 80% because just of the season you're in. And you feel like I just, it would be better if I just disappeared here.

And so a couple of things I've learned is to not address the burdensomeness head on. That's for a therapist. And so if you are struggling with addiction, if you're struggling with depression, if you're thinking about hurting yourself, you got to go call somebody. And if you're married to somebody who's struggling with those things and they won't make that call, you got to make that call. Be willing to risk short-term chaos in your relationship for somebody still being alive, for somebody getting the psychiatric help that they desperately, desperately need. Beneath that is,

Here's a couple of ways we're going to quote unquote practice teaching somebody they're not a burden. And we're actually building out a marriage app just basically for this thing. It's going to be amazing. It actually is amazing. I've got the beta on my phone right now. It's really amazing. But it just starts with a simple, hey, how can I love you today? Oh, don't do it. No, no, no. I'm going to do one thing and I'm going to pick it. But I would really love it if it was something that would really help you out.

And if you make this a regular practice, you put it in your phone, you do it every single day. Hey, how can I love you today? What's your picture of tonight look like? Well, I've got to go to the store and I've got to do this. Let me go to the store for you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right, here's the deal. I'm going to the store. I'm going to take a picture from the Kroger Republic's parking lot. I'm going to send it to you and I'm going to go in there and shop. And you know what happens when I buy groceries with just me. Send me a list because I'm going to stop by and go.

And you walk in the door, even though you're exhausted from work, even though you're working overtime and you're fried, even though you've got so much going on, your mom's giving you drama and your sister's, you walk in with a smile on your face and you're like, I'm home.

Sometimes it's just turning on music in the car and singing really loud while you pull in the driveway. Sometimes that's just saying a quick prayer. Sometimes that's using the hallow meditation app, whatever you got to do to walk in the door so that you can, I'm here and I got the groceries. Guess what else? I got dinner. Guess what else? I got flowers. Here's the third thing you can do. So that's what your picture of tonight look like. And how can I participate in this? How can I love you today?

And then the third thing is constantly, and this is the one time that love language stuff, normal stuff makes my eyes roll at the back of my head, but doing things on a regular basis with joy in a language that your partner can hear it and absorb it. So if gifts is the language, I'm just going to grab a flower. I'm going to grab a little trinket from the office. I'm going to get two flowers.

Reese's Pieces cups out of the jar on the way out of the office. I'm going to take them home and drop them down. I'm going to constantly do these little drips of, I see you, and I love you, and I see you, and I love you. And then the last one, the fourth one is SOS, skin-on-skin contact. Hey, honey, can I have a 30-second hug before we go to work? Your nervous system calms my nervous system. Hey, honey, will you put your hands on my face and just look at me for a second?

It makes all the trouble in the world go away. What you're doing is you're asking somebody to borrow a little piece of themselves for you. And over time, the story, the narrative of I'm a burden, they would be better off without me, it withers away. Because in real time, they're seeing their husband get 30 seconds of just a hug and his shoulders drop and his whole body kind of goes. And so you can't say, the world would be better if I wasn't around because it's not. I feel how I'm bringing him peace in the world.

So that's a few things. If your wife feels like a burden, the first place I would go is to the mirror. How am I contributing to this? If you're like, dude, I'm not, I'm not. Cool, then maybe we need to get some professional help. Maybe you need to say, hey, would you come to a marriage counselor with me? I want to be the best husband I can be. You're amazing and I want to match this and I'm just out of skills and I'd love to be really good at this and ask them to come along with you. So that's a couple of things you could try there. There's so much underneath the question. Somebody feels like a burden and it can be

borderline or fully suicidal or it could just be I don't like talking to you because you're annoying and there's a big spectrum there. Hopefully some of those tools helped. Thanks for loving your partner well. Peace.