TDS Time Machine | Jon's Returniversary
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From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Welcome to The Daily Show. Happy birthday, honey. Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Thank you very much for coming tonight. Hey, guess what? I got big news. This is it. This is the final episode. What a night. What a big, big night. A short time ago...

The first Republican presidential debate wrapped up in Cleveland, and I think you'll all agree with me, it was incredible. So articulate. And because of that, even though it is our last night on the air, I feel a responsibility. But yet we all still remain alive. Last night on the air, I feel somewhat of a responsibility. Nay. Nay. An obligation. An obligation.

to devote the entirety of our last show to our standard post-debate full-team coverage. And so, standing by tonight, outside of Cleveland's Quicken Arena, where the debates were held, we've got Jessica Williams joining us with the Bush campaign. We've got Hasan Minhaj. He's with Scott Walker's campaign. That's right. Jordan Klepper. Trump! Jordan Klepper will be covering Donald Trump...

And I want to ask you guys, what are your impressions of tonight's really interesting debate? Oh, man. John, I... Uh-huh. Walker, also, solid. Uh-huh. And I can't believe Trump took out his penis. I... Late in the debate.

It was a surprise to everybody. Now, obviously, our coverage is a bit limited. We've limited it to the top three candidates due to the size of the Republican field relative to the size of our current stable of correspondence. So, unfortunately, we can't really... John! John! Oh! Awesome. Awesome. Thank you. Oh, this

This is an enormous-- awesome. Thank you for spontaneously appearing in Cleveland to help us. Yeah, I'll take Kasich. Oh, great. Thank you. OK, so that's-- OK, we've got four people covered now. And now, Patrickle is also-- thank you, Al. Who do you want to cover? Oh, I get it. Al, you're Latino. Cover Cruz or Rubio? You disgust me, Stewart. No, Al. There's six remaining candidates. Take whoever you want. I'll take Rubio, please.

All right, well, at least we can cover five people. And that would be... Look at the contributors in here. All right, John Hodgman, Louis Black, the contributors pitching in tonight. Thank you so much for lending a hand to our coverage. John Hodgman, why don't you take Rand Paul...

Lewis Black, Chris Christie. Oh, I get it. Lewis, you're an angry asshole. Cover Christie. You disgust me. What? Oh! This is amazing. We were almost there. Kristen Schaal, thank you so much. This is... I got to tell you something, though. You're really dressed up for a debate. You look lovely. Well, John, you're still here? I thought Trevor had started by now.

What? All right, you too. All right, all right, eight out of 10 candidates. Eight out of 10 candidates are covered. Sam, I've missed you so much. Thank you for pitching in tonight. No, John, thank you. There's no one else I would fly to Cleveland in August to help cover. I mean, wait, I'm sorry, who's left? Ben Carson or Huckabee. Oh my God, ew, no. All right, oh, damn it. Nine out of 10.

Damn, so close. It would have been great if we could just... I don't... I don't know what to say. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Steve... Steve Carell. There's a lot of applause here in Cleveland. That's right, John. Tonight, I heart Huckabee.

Steve, I gotta say, this is... For me, it's very touching that you would come back after 12 years and do this. I never left, John. Becoming an international superstar is just something I did while waiting for my next assignment. We've all just been waiting, John, the whole time. You've been waiting the whole time? I can't... It's a long time, John. Where do you get off? What? I have two children to raise. And I have three. That's...

Wait a minute. Has everyone, have all the correspondents just been waiting around? Like, it's been 16 and a half years. That can't be. What about, like, Vance DeGeneres and Mo Rocca? Are they... We're here, John. They couldn't be here. We're here, John. Oh, my God! I can't believe you guys are here.

We're here down on Wall Street, John, ready to do our signature dollars and cents coverage. It's been so long since... since that bit was done on the show. I can't believe you guys are here to just now do a financial segment. Yeah, well, apparently there wasn't much financial news to cover. This... this past decade. All right. Well, that's-- you know, you do the best you-- David Tao! Hey, what's up, buddy? What's up? Wow.

Oh, man. Hey, Dave. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Let me tell you something, John. You've done it. Thanks. 16 years of great TV. Thank you, sir. Next Stop Podcast. Podcast. This is unbelievable. How far back are we going to go with these reports? Okay, so we have time for one more question. Right there. Yes, you. The old guy. Oh, hey, Matt Walsh, Dan Bagadol. It's me, Jon Stewart. You're on my show now, not your show.

What? What do you mean, our show? Veep. You play the congressman. Matt's the press secretary. But before that, you were a correspondent on The Daily Show, so I was expressing happiness that you came back here. And we're done here. Thank you. Guys, guys, I just have... I just want to say one more thing. Hey, hey, ask and answered, asshole. Yeah, you f***ing face. We're done here. All right. Excuse me, John. Excuse me. What? What are you doing? Yeah.

Oh, my God. This is amazing. Yeah, I thought I'd stop by, 'cause I got nothing else to do tonight. Nightly Show got bumped. Sorry about that, Larry. Black shows matter, John. I apologize. Where's Jones, anyway? Jason Jones? Oh, you didn't hear? He's in Georgia filming a new show, Larry. Why don't you throw to him? That's not gonna work. It will if you believe. Oh, Jesus.

All right. I didn't know that. Well, let me try it. Let me see what I can do here. All right. That's weird. Let's see if I can do it. Let's go to Jason Jones. That one. Thanks, John. Let me just say I am so happy you're going to have some well-deserved time off to watch my brand-new television show, The Detour, on TBS. Well, obviously, you must be busy, so I'll let you get back. Thanks for asking, John. It is a hilarious new comedy show coming soon on TBS. Thanks. Thanks, Jason. The Detour, TBS.

What an oddly cross-promotional move by... Hey, John. Hey, what's up? Do you want to leave the show, man? Oh, right, you played Olaf, the snowman in Frozen, right? That's right I did. I'm a show business god, John. Among eight-year-olds. Disney money, bitch! Wow. Wow. Wow.

John! John!

This is intense. So many, so many old faces. Rob Corddry, I can't even believe you're back here. Rob, come here. Give me some sugar. No, no. Rob Corddry, everybody. Wow, I can't. I'm like knocked out here. I didn't want to do this. It's very embarrassing. It's just that everybody here, you guys, you're like family. You know, especially you, John. Thank you, Rob. I appreciate that. You're like the brother I never had.

Thank you so much, Rob, except I think you have a brother. I think... No, no. I don't think you're right about that. I think you have a brother, Rob, and I think his name is Nate, and he actually was a correspondent here, too. Nate Corddry. No, that Nate does not ring a bell. No, it was... Me. Rob, it's me. I think you do. I'm Nate Corddry. I'm your brother.

- Come on, Cawdrey! - Come on, Cawdrey! - Come on! - I told you to wait in the car. In the trunk of the car. Go! I am sorry, John. You should check in with your other correspondents. - All right, I will. Wait, what's that sound? I'll check in with another correspond- Lord Vader? Is that you? - Steward, I am more machine than man, twisted and evil.

responsible for the deaths of billions of sentient beings. But it has come to my attention you have been comparing me to Dick Cheney. That seems a bit harsh. I just thought there was something Sith Lordy about you and him, and I just thought that's... Let us be clear. There is the dark side, and then there's whatever he calls his sick thing. No, I didn't mean it. The fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate...

leads to shooting your friend in the face. - Thank you, Lord Vader. Wow, that was intense. A sick lord as a correspondent. You know, speaking of shooting, let's go overseas to our Middle East correspondent, Bassem Youssef. Bassem, are you there? - John, I knew that they would eventually get to you. Who's shutting you down? The White House? The secret police? Thanks, Obama. - No, no one's shutting the show down, Bassem. I'm leaving 'cause I want to. - Whoa, that's it? - Yeah. - What a pussy.

John, it's me, Michael Che. Hey, what's up? You know, Michael, it's great to see you, but you were a correspondent for like two weeks. I don't know if it warranted a full cameo. You know, it could have been maybe, uh, it's nice to... Oh, well, maybe some of us just like changing jobs before the ass groove in our desk chair is old enough to vote.

That, I gotta say, that hurts a little bit. You know, I tried to do a good thing and let you do some bits for us and then we could go through and get some... Actually, actually...

Hey, Trevor. What's up? Could you give me, like, 20 more minutes, and then we'll... Oh. Oh, I'm... Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's cool. It's great to see you. You're gonna be great. I'm so excited for you. Thank you. Oh, one more thing, just real quick, if you don't mind. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's... Good job, man. Thank you, brother. I appreciate it. We'll do it later. You know what? That reminds me. It's not the first time that they've had to re-tailor the suits here. You're finally getting canceled, John. I hate to say it, but...

I knew you were going to run this thing into the ground. Well, it's good to see you too, Craig. John! Olivia Munn! Olivia, how are you? Congratulations! Olivia, thank you so much. So nice to see you. Of course, congratulations. You didn't have to bring me a cake. That's lovely. Of course I did. It's your 70th birthday. Not my 70th.

First of all, it's not my birthday and I'm not 70, Ashley. Oh, what is it, like 75? No, you do not look 80. No, it's not. It's neither one of these. This is lovely and I hope it's not anyone. Come on, John. I've come to take you out of here, buddy. Hey, man. What's up, girl? Riggle, what are you doing? Put me down, Riggle. Uh-uh, no way, Jose. You're coming with me if you want to live.

We're having a nice celebration here. No need to go rambos. You sweet, naive, frail, tiny, little... Yes. Did I say frail? You did say frail. Do you have any idea the trail of hate that you've left behind? Roll 212. I'm Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's. Brought to you tonight by Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart. It's like your TV threw up on your face. I'll never forget you, Jon.

but I will be trying. Good riddance, smartass. Don't go. Come back. John, I'm being sarcastic. And just when I'm running for president. What a bummer. See you, pipsqueak. What has nine and a half fingers and won't miss you at all? This guy. John, I just don't know what to say.

I'm sure you'd be missed by somebody. - You know, there are a lot of things happening around the world that keep me up at night, which is why I've relied on you to put me to sleep. - Have fun feeding your rabbits, quitter. - I'm Jon Stewart. I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So long, jackass. - That stings. I'm not gonna say that didn't sting a little bit. - That was awesome. - That's up, baby.

-You look great! -Thank you so much! It's so great to see you, Ed. ♪ And it's wonderful to see you ♪ I-- I-- That's right, you did love to sing. I do. I like to sing, I like to make movies with my friends, and of course, I have my real passion, which is running the Rocky Mountain Institute for men who get more distinguished and handsome as they age.

I've heard of that. And actually, it's kind of nice that you're here because I'm going to be having some free time. Perhaps I could stop by the institute. Just for a quick visit at the institute. No. All right. I mean, yeah, I guess you're right. It just doesn't... John! What the... Is that... I know that voice. I know that voice. Is that... Why are you? Where are you, Wyatt? Hey! Wyatt!

I can't hear you for the crazy applause. -Yeah. -Are you across the street? Maybe. Well, you look like you're right across the street. Are you coming over? I'm thinking about it. I got some balls. I got some balls in the air. All right. You good? Yeah, I'm good. You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'd love to see you. I think about it. My social media's blowing up. -I hear you. -Yeah. -What the-- -Hey, John! Let's check in one last time to Guantanamo Bay

and longtime detainee, it's Gitmo! Hey, Gitmo! - What a great day! - Oh my God, Gitmo! - Gitmo and Jon Stewart! Hey, come here for Gitmo! - Yeah, Gitmo, I got some news. I'm leaving, but they didn't really ever close Guantanamo, so it's not like, I mean, I'm going, but you-- - Gitmo not leaving? Only Jon Stewart? - Yeah, I-- - We'll get you out of there, Gitmo! We'll get you out of there, I promise! - Billy!

Yeah, yeah.

I HAVE TO SAY, JOHN, WORKING HERE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. I HAVE SUCH GREAT MEMORIES STARTING WITH MY VERY FIRST DAY. LET'S JUST DIVE IN. I REMEMBER FOR BREAKFAST THERE WERE EGG SANDWICHES. I CHOSE THE EGG WHITES. THAT'S AN INTERESTING CHOICE. I'LL TELL YOU WHY. YOU'RE GETTING THE PROTEIN. YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING THE PROTEIN. BUT ALSO YOU'RE LEAVING YOURSELF OPEN FOR A SECOND SANDWICH.

So that's why I went with egg whites. - John, listen, this is all fascinating. We're gonna have to pick up the pace just a smidge. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, John, we can't. When something's important, it's worth taking the time to discuss it in depth. I'm talking 15, 18, even 20 minutes if necessary. Otherwise, what are you really doing? - No, I hear you, I hear, but eventually we do have to go to commercial, so it's not-- - Hold on, what the is a commercial? What are you talking about? You're talking madness, boy.

Wow, this is amazing. I have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing. That's it. That's all I have. My thanks to everybody over all these years. When you look at the talent that's passed through these doors, it had been hard to screw this show up. I just want to thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It meant the world. Thank you. Thank you.

It's so insane. And it's insane because, you know, I understand. Calm down. I get it. I get it. But thank you. Just a moment. It's John. It's John. It's me. It's really you. Just a moment. Aren't you forgetting someone, John? You can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam. Wait. Who's Sam?

I am, John. What am I, Diane? What is this, Cheers? Well, I don't understand. No, John, don't you see? You're Frodo. Wait, you're Sam, I'm Frodo. How am I Frodo? Why aren't you Frodo? John, one of us is adult size and does not have hairy toes. Oh.

And John... Oh, point taken. John, like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage to the Undying Lands. I'm just going to New Jersey, Stephen. For 16 years, you and your basic cable fellowship of funny...

clutched that ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of Mount Doom. We didn't trudge so much. It's just, what's the ring in this metaphor? The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor for power. A power, a power to be a player in the world of media and Washington politics. Yeah, but I don't really want that, so it's not that... John, you know who else didn't want that? Frodo. Your words, John. Thank you.

Frodo thought surely Saruman would know they meant to destroy the ring, but I don't have to tell you what Gandalf said about that. You're just going to tell me, though, aren't you? He said, and I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it verbatim if I wanted. He said, he said, my fellow Americans...

It has not entered into Sauron's darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather than wield this hideous power. And in Gandalf's metaphor here, power also stood for power.

I just want to say that I am so touched that everybody could be here tonight, and... Me too, John. Is there a party or anything? Because I brought a lot of people from CBS, and I told them that I know you. Yes. There is a party, and you can go to it. Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right back. Actually, John... John...

Actually, no, please sit down. Actually, John, we're not quite done. Just a moment, John. No, you can't stop anyone because they don't work for you anymore.

Huge mistake, John. Please don't do this. It'll be quick if you just hold still. John, I've been asked and have the privilege to say something to you that is not in the prompter right now. Please don't do this. Here's the thing, John. You said to me and to many other people here years ago never to thank you because we owe you nothing. I thank you. That's right. It is one of the few times I've known you to be dead wrong.

We owe you, and not just what you did for our career by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made. We owe you because we learned from you. We learned from you, by example, how to do a show with intention, how to work with clarity, how to treat people with respect. You are infuriatingly good at your job. Okay? All of us. All of us.

who were lucky enough to work with you, and you can edit this out later. All of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours, and we are better people for having known you. You are a great artist and a good man, and personally, I do not know how this son of a poor Appalachian turd miner...

I do not know. I do not know what I would do if you hadn't brought me on this show. I'd be back in those hills mining turds with Pappy. John, you know by now I'd have Dung Lung. Okay? So, John, and it's almost over. All right. I know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people whose lives you changed over the past 16 years...

Thank you. And now I believe your line, and correct me if I'm wrong, is we'll be right back. We'll be right back. Ready to optimize your nutrition this year? Meat Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal service. Factor's fresh, never-frozen meals are dietician approved and ready to eat in just two minutes. Their chefs handle the shopping and the chopping, delivering fresh, fully cooked meals to your door. All you have to do is heat.

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I don't have anything for you. We've seen the correspondence. We've met everyone who works here. And now I feel like I should probably say something. So maybe one last time. Maybe a little camera three. Bullshit is everywhere. Are the kids still in here? We'll deal with that later. Bullshit is everywhere.

There is very little that you will encounter in life that has not been, in some ways, infused with bullshit. Not all of it bad. Your general day-to-day organic free-range bullshit is often necessary. Or at the very least innocuous. "Oh, what a beautiful baby. I'm sure he'll grow into that." That kind of bullshit in many ways provides important social contract fertilizer. It keeps people from making each other cry all day.

But then there's the more pernicious bullshit. Your premeditated institutional bullshit designed to obscure and distract. Designed by whom? The bullshitocracy. Comes in three basic flavors. One, making bad things sound like good things. Organic, all natural. Because factory made sugar oatmeal balls doesn't sell. Patriot act. Because are you scared enough to let me look at all your phone records act? Doesn't sell.

So whenever something's been titled Freedom, Family, Fairness, Health, America, take a good long sniff. Chances are it's been manufactured in a facility that may contain traces of bull. Number two! The second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of bullshit. Complexity. You know, I would love to download Drizzy's latest Meek Mill diss. Everyone promised me that that made sense. Whoo!

But I'm not really interested right now in reading Tolstoy's iTunes agreement. So I'll just click agree, even if it grants Apple prima nocte with my spouse. Here's another one. Simply put, simply put, banks shouldn't be able to bet your pension money on red. Bullshitly put, it's, hey, this, Dodd-Frank.

Hey, a handful of billionaires can't buy our elections, right? Of course not. They can only pour unlimited anonymous cash into a 501c4 if 50% is devoted to issue education. Otherwise, they'd have to 501c6 it or funnel it openly through a non-campaign coordinating super PAC with a quarter. I think they're asleep now. We can sneak out. And finally... Finally, it's the bullshit of infinite possibility.

These bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We can't do anything because we don't yet know everything. We cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage vaccines won't cause our children to marry goats who are going to come for our guns. Until then, I say teach the controversy. Now, the good news is this. Bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy and their work is easily detected. And looking for it is kind of a pleasant way to pass the time.

Like an eye spy of bullshit. So I say to you tonight, friends, the best defense against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. We'll be right back. That...

is our program. Now, there are so many people to thank that I cannot plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy Central gave me this opportunity 16 and a half years ago. The people that worked here gave me this opportunity.

gave me the talent and inspiration to develop it over all those years. It's the most incredible place. Honestly, today, it still feels like a dream a little bit. And walking around the building today, nobody was making eye contact. Because I think there's so much love and pride filling the building right now that we just don't want to drown it in saline. So there's a lot of this. So the script is ready? So everybody's making moves.

salty goggles on. So I just, I can't thank the people who work here enough and I can't thank Comedy Central enough and I can't thank the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years has brought to us, don't think that the energy that you put out is not received on those days where we just feel like we don't have it. Well, I'm very fond of you as well, so...

It seemed awfully gravelly. I want to thank my wife, Tracy, and my kids, Nate and Maggie. Not going to look over there. For teaching me what joy looks like. And an artist I really admire once said that he thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience, a dialogue. And I really like that.

for many different reasons, but the main one is because it takes away the idea of finality. This is just, it's a conversation. This show is an ending. We're merely taking a small pause in the conversation. A conversation which, by the way, I have hogged, and I apologize for that. You, I never, I really...

I should have at some point turned the camera around and seen like, so do you guys have anything to add or anything? I've really been dominating this in a very selfish way. But I thought that was a remarkable way of getting to that nothing ends. It's just a continuation. It's a pause in the conversation. So rather than saying goodbye or goodnight, I'm just going to say I'm going to go get a drink. And I'm sure I'll see you guys before I leave.

So that's our show. I thank you so much for the privilege of being able to perform it for you, for the privilege of being able to do it. And so here it is. My moment is in.

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This is The Daily Show with your host, Jon Stewart. Welcome. Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Now, where was I? I'm excited to be back. I'm very excited. Good to see you guys. Good to see you guys. Why am I back? You may be asking yourselves. It's a very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes.

From what I understand, talk show hosts are granted immunity, so it doesn't... Doesn't make a lot of sense, but take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're going to have so much we're going to talk about this year. Obviously, elections. Maybe we'll talk about China. Maybe we'll talk about AI. Maybe something a little lighter. Israel-Palestine. Who knows? When you consider the election... Bravo, John. Bravo, frickin'-o. Bravo.

Well, well, well, it's Jordan Klepper, everybody. I didn't see you there. You must have snuck up. Shouldn't you be out somewhere talking to insurrectionists in a parking lot? Oh, biting, John, biting.

You must be so proud of yourself with all these little satirical bits exposing the absurdities of our political process. Well, I mean, it was fun. We had a fun day. We had fun making this stuff up. Oh, I bet it was. Did you save democracy yet? No, I didn't. Did your 90s brand of snark and both-siderism? Oh, George Bush is dumb! Al Gore's so boring! Wow, searing, John!

I wasn't really trying to save democracy. I was just trying to... All you do is brainwash voters into accepting a corrosive status quo when they could be out marching in the streets to effect change. Frankly, you disgust me. I can tell that from the tone of your voice. But, you know, Jordan, I'm here like once a week. Like, seriously, what do you want from me? Wait, you're only here once a week? Who's hosting the show the other days of the week?

The news team, Jordan. In fact, you're the host this whole week after I leave. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. That's you. It's great having you back, buddy. I got to tell you that. This is going to be so much fun. What we're doing here is important, John. I can't wait to change the world with you, my friend. Thanks very much. Really nice to see you. Thank you very much. Good to see you. Jordan!

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